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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Lou Ann-i had to make all those choices. Her dad didn't want any part of it. I saw her in the ER. He didn't. I saw her 2x before she left for donation and autopsy. I tried to get her brother to but he didn't, I think cuz her dad wouldn't. He regrets not touching her. We had the wake. I touched her repeatedly, the ER and funeral home. I kissed her. I didn't bear hug her. Idk why. I just touched her. We got to say one last goodbye after the funeral before they took her to cremate her. I took a chair and sat beside her. Touched her, talked to her. 

I am at laundry mat while my son is working. I walked to gas station and had a couple drinks. Haven't drank since October last year. Now back at laundry mat and crying my eyes out. I think I needed this release. Just wish I didn't have to drink to do it. It's the only time I can be alone and grieve like I want to. I guess...idk. My son picked me up. We are headed home

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Tommy's mum

Tinay please no apologies needed here. I get it I have done the same thing myself before just had a couple drinks in an evening to be able to let go. As long as it does not become a habit it is ok. i think because you have to work you force this brave face and coping front in front of people and it is not easy to drop that fake front when you get home. Maybe the alcohol loosened you up enough to let it all go and you did. God knows, this is a hard harrowing path we are forced to walk, it is scary, and lonely, and full of potholes, and mountains, family and friends drop out because it is too difficult and so we trudge on. But there will be an end we learn along the way the best way to navigate the rough spots, the times to stop and reflect and the times to push ahead. We learn to recognise the foreign landscape and know more about endurance than others, and then we get to the light. The valley where it is more peaceful and bright where we can choose which direction to go of our free will, where we can see colour again and feel some happiness. It is a long long walk but in the end we will all triumph just trust in yourself and take comfort from others who have walked before you. None of us are alone on this journey.

louann your post was soul wrenching i am so sorry. There was a lot of fighting to get my son back to the UK. My evil ex made things a thousand times worse for our family by threatening to just have Tommy cremated in Hawaii. It upset our children and I was desperate to see my son. I had not seen him for 4 years and then when I did it was absolutely devastating because he was dead. I had a complete panic attack and breakdown and could not go into the room at first. My Mum was amazing and took the lead. How could I be scared to see my own son? I was terrified bt what i would see. I slowly edged in and saw him and it was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I was able to talk with him and hold his hand and stroke his hair and kiss him and all I could see was the remnant of my little boy, my eldest son. I put a quote in his hand "Until we meet again" and left.I felt so guilty that i had been scared so I wrote a long rambling personal letter to him and went bak the next day with a rose from my garden. This time I walked in freely and felt more comfortable and knew this would be the last time for me. My kids went separately and although it was very scary and upsetting they are glad they had a chance to say goodbye. My youngest daughter acted like you not able to participate in anything holding it all in although she did cry. the ex then wanted to change all the funeral plans so we did. We both gave a eulogy. Even now he tells the kids I had it all my way, whatever. I was not even allowed to keep any of his ashes so last year Tommy was scattered over a high cliff into the sea. there is no point looking back and wishing you did things differently. You do the best you can as you are able with whatever you have got. Our children get it totally. they can see the heart within us ripped into pieces and how hard it is to carry on. They watch over whilst we try to sleep and see our torment and sorrow. They do not blame us for anything we did or did not do, they know we love them more than anything, and that is so difficult to let them go before us. They hold us up when we fall and celebrate our successes they are with us always, ALWAYS.

Dianne you have come so far and you are doing so well keep on going. There will always be dark days and times we stumble but you will survive and get back up like you always do. It is just the grief journey. However journeys must end and there is a final destination. These last few days I have felt overwhelmingly tired and depressed and not able to do much. No reason for it it just is. tommy's funeral song sings in my head and I allow myself some quiet tears then try and do something to distract myself. It is ok all part of grieving. i know there will be another day to be able to feel some joy and accomplishment, the sun will shine again and a new day begins.

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Hi All. Hey New to this site and/or new to grief...do as your heart demands, try to let the grief you are feeling out into the world. You are allowing yourself to unplug the storm that you otherwise keep locked in. It is important to let it out, not always at a convenient time, I know, but there is nothing convenient about grief. There really is no way to put off grief, it is there to be shed no matter. It will change over time and you will one day find ways to weave your grief into your everyday. There will come a day that when someone says how many kids do you have? You will answer without question as to what to say...I have two, but one of my Kids died. It is the truth and if others are made uncomfortable by our truth...well that is their problem. I think that when we say our truth, we are helping teach others that while we look like everyone else, our hearts are heavy, it is good for folks to learn to face grief that is not theirs. At least that is the way I look at it. As far as having a drink now and then, no worries, but if you feel you are drinking daily in order to get through the times, please find a bit of help...it is far too easy for our weakened spirit and bodies to fall victim to addiction. Those kinds of things will only make everything surrounding grief, harder. My sister's Son is an addict, and due to the daily stress of having him in this condition, she has also become addicted, to drinking every day after work and using self medication to sleep. I feel I have almost lost my sister to this sadness because she is merely a shell of her former self. Don't mean to lecture, but truly, your Children have hope to see you walking in the light that they are sending out.

Dianne, yesterday in class, my students were busily making Mothers' Day cards, I put out all the materials and instructed them to create a poem first and then create the card. They could choose a Haiku, a Cinquain, a Limerick, a Free Verse...and we had some music playing...lovely time, when suddenly I was overcome by emotion. My tears sprang from my eyes and I had a little weep time. The kids know me well and I said, " don't be afraid, I just need a Momma Day cry" and they said, It's Okay, my Mom would cry on Mothers Day too if I was not here. KIDS GET IT!

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne.....those marker days seem to have an energy of their own....and we seem to have little control....those closed portals in our mind seem to come open to memories that have been behind closed doors. I seem to have a clear walk down memory lane around a marker date. I guess it is a normal/natural reaction of a parent to remember the joy of that day so long ago. I do hope your vein issues are healed. Medical technology has come a long way in treating those issues.

   Dee....I, too, think young children have such a direct line to the heart of the matter...they have uncluttered minds and such simplistic hearts.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....Kate...Gretchen....thinking of you.

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My girl is in heaven

Tommy mom. Thank you. I'm sure i must seem like I am very cold unloving mother.i did place my hands on her at the funeral and kissed hér forehead. The thing is  I a total zombie, totally void of any feeling good or bad. People just thought I was going to faint all the time. But years or not no parents heart could have brokeore than mine. The only thing i could say to my daughter was i will be with you soon and that was my intetion on mote than one occasion. Thanks for not judging me.im glad you all had ypur farewells with your children

 

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all i could do was stroke her hair because it didnt feel like my child i got to see her loads in a&e but it was once in the morge and once it funeral directors as when she come back from London they was worried how bad she wud look but she never looked like my little lady or it was i didnt want her to look like her think it was the fact she was sooo cold 

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My girl is in heaven

A friend of mine who lost her only child to suicide two years ago, always says to me, "but we didn't get the memo on what to do if you lost your child, we didn't get the handbook".  

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Jeff's Mom

Thanks Susan for thinking of us. We have been very busy with one thing and another. I, too find that with Mother's Day upon us I always sink into a form of melancholy. Memories of happier times long since past, etc. Thank heaven for those memories. I have opened up my box of treasures and found one of Jeff's home made cards from school that I have placed on a table. Dee, you will never know how much I appreciate the time spent with his teachers making those cards when he was so young. Today they fill my heart with a real sense of warmness and somehow it brings him closer to me on this special weekend. I honestly feel that is does not matter how many years have passed we will always feel their absence on special occasions. 

Darcy, I remember how shocked we were to see Jeff at the funeral home for a private viewing. Nothing can ever prepare you for the shock of seeing them like this. I simply will not allow myself to dwell on that occasion. I fill my head with memories of better times. It takes time for the shock suit to wear off. It will start to lessen in time. I know it is hard. 

We found out this week that the eye surgery that my husband had last November did not go quite as successfully as we had hoped. I noticed on Easter Day that the growth had returned. His surgeon feels that it is cancerous and is scheduled to operate on June 1st. She is also hoping to start him on Interferon (sp) which scares me as he had such a bad reaction to his Folfox drugs and they stopped his chemo at four months instead of six. He is facing this as he does everything that he has encountered. It is what it is...one day at a time. No sense in blocking it out. I wonder if they will remove his eye? As the cancer spread to his lymph nodes you just can't know where it has spread to. Please keep him in your prayers.

We are off to Jeff's site shortly. The sun is shining, but it is still quite cool for May. I am sending warm wishes to all for strength and a peaceful day tomorrow filled with many beautiful memories. Love to All,

Kate 

 

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Jeff's Mom

Darcy, thanks for thinking of us. We just got home from a lovely walk into Jeff's site. I took some beautiful roses and placed them on the garden. I have to say that today I am just about done in. I am totally exhausted and can honestly say that I think I have reached the saturation point. I don't ever remember being this tired before. I plan to research the drug and ask a ton of questions before they start him on it. We'll see.

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kayla has a tree in a natural garden for other ppl who have passed on i just couldn't put her in the grounds i felt i needed to keep her 

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...good to hear from you...but have a sad layer for you and your best boyfriend about his eye issues. Do research the medication...and ask lots of questions...am sure they know his bad reaction before. You have been physically busy...and the emotional busy seems to wear on me now that I am 70...it is the inner stress....and it feels as if I am breaking out with measles on the inside sometimes. I am sure this latest news has used up all your 'good energy'...and now..it is time for you to rest.

Ah....the homemade cards....yes...we keep them...and they are more priceless than diamonds and pearls....John David made me a card when I was turning 30....all my family and friends were making a big deal of it and I guess he thought it was not a good birthday for me..and he wrote...'Mom..I will still love you when you are 30'......now my GRANDkids love to see what their parents made when they were young.

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Tommysmum...Lesley------thanks for posting the pic of Tommy. He is a handsome

young man.  I so understand what you mean about seeing him.  the shock of

seeing a beloved child dead is too much to bear, and just devastating.

 

Tinay----So thoughtful of your friend to give you flowers.  Yes,  our minds do not want

to accept that our child is dead......it's just too monstrous to face.....especially in the

early times when we feel like robots. We fight against it mentally,...and don't want it

to be real.  They say it's a coping mechanism of the mind. This may be true, but

it doesn't alleviate any of the pain & sorrow, really.  Peace to you.

 

AllenB----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son.  Please come back to this site,

and read/post when you are ready to do so.  Everyone here understands.

 

Dianne-----Yes,  the dates slip up on us, and we "feel" it before our minds acknowledge

it.   Michael's  birthday is soon.  At the beginning of May, I felt a strange sense of sadness...

out of the ordinary......  then I glanced at the calendar, and there was Lisa's birthday.  I visited

her grave and took a single pink carnation.  We always think of our children,  but those

special days are so bittersweet, as memories come flooding in, and tears will fall.

 

Dee------So nice that the kids are making Mothers Day cards. And  the tears you shed

are one more sign that you miss your sweet ERi.

 

Darcy12----I, too, felt as you did when seeing your sweet baby, and you felt as though it

didn't look like her.  (My baby, Lisa, died years ago from accidental choking).  I think that

the mind just does not want to realize the fact that they are gone, and it's no wonder we

would feel that way.  Wishing you peace.

 

Kate----Good to see your post, but so sorry to hear of your husband's eye troubles.  I

am hoping that the outcome will be positive in results.  So nice you went to Jeff's grave.

I hope that there hasn't been anymore theft or vandalism there.  Yes, the feeling of being

overwhelmed with tiredness is so understandable.....especially for you with all that you

and your husband have had to deal with.   Thoughts & prayers.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dianne, when I got sick in February -- and two days before I landed in the hospital I saw a distinct red cross formed by clouds/lighting in the sky---I knew something was going to be happening. I pay attention to these types of events now.

Allen, I am sorry for the loss of your son. It does not seem right at all to have this sorrow...may you take care.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

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I have come to understand how one shoulders their grief...yet there is a common path where we met and share the  love we have for our children and say their name.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Jeffs mom. Prayers and thoughts are with your husband.  He sounds like a very courageous man with all he has had to face.  I hope you get some rest. Peace to you both. 

Tears in heaven.  Very nice poem and oh so true.  Thanks for sharing.  

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Jeff's Mom

Dianne, how very kind of you. Your prayers are very much appreciate as are the wishes of everyone on this site.

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I have been busy all day with the Kids so I was not aware until now of all the posts. Kate, I am terribly sorry that Ross has more to face with his health, and it means that you too, have more to face. I am holding you in prayer, in thought, and in my heart as the two of you face this as you always do: united and with great love. I love how many folks here are sending their love to you and prayers out to the universe. Amen.

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May you all feel the love and deep spiritual connection to your Children today...reminding you that you will always be their Mom...nothing takes that from us.

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Tommy's mum

Once a Mom always a Mom remember that. Love and peace to you all.

 

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Prayers for the family of  a 16 year old boy who decided to jump off a train trestle into the river, with his friends yesterday...they surfaced in the river but he did not. Helicopters swooping low since last evening here. Prayers for we know what it is they will have to face.

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tobyfreefoot

Love to all of you today. Celebrate the joy of mothering and know once a mother always a mother and nothing can take that away. Today I taped a new tiny lock of Forest's hair in my locket while my husband was mowing as a quiet gift to myself. May you all have a peaceful moment of reflection today.

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Hi Gretchen, such a beautiful locket, I am glad and so must Forest be, that you gave yourself a quiet little gift. Good for you.

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Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....how I understand having that 'moment'...we don't want to parade or showboat our deep feelings...and I think your time with your boy is so spread out with all the parents....today...a busy day...and we gave Veto....John David's Zippy Monkey to him....it was in his Memory chest...for years....I took it out..opened it up...got all the old filling out...washed him...dried him...stuffed him with new stuffing....I know John David would approve ...for he would want that new little man of ours to have something from him....

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Mermaid Tears

John David's Zippy....his treasured stuff pal....it now will be loved by Veto....

Veto and Uncle Hunter Bear....

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tobyfreefoot

A perfect reincarnation for Zippy. Veto looks perfect too!

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Tommy's mum

mermaid tears what a loving gesture to Veto, very special and meaningful. I have my kids much loved childhood favourite toy in my attic. Tommy's was a handknitted scarecrow he called it "sarefro" because he was too little to pronounce it correctly! I kept their one favourite toy so they could show their own children one day. Tommy's will go in my Tommy box which will be there for his siblings and/or their children to come to look through.

Gretchen your locket is lovely. i too have a small snippet of my son's hair in a locket, and I also have his handprints. i just needed something physical as a reminder of my son besides old photos. I think as parents we need something more because we have lost so much.

Dee another tragedy for another family so sad. you are right we do know what the family will be facing and my hope is that either someone special comes into their lives or they join an online family like ours to feel support and care. Sometimes I despair over the amount of suffering in this world, especially when it hits a family or is to do with the loss of a child because that hits right home directly to my heart. We learn so much more from painful times in our life because they have a longer lasting impact and I guess we are all here to learn and to teach others the wisdom we have gained through our experience whatever it may be. being here on earth is a teaching experience for all of us throughout our lives. let us hope we can learn good things from bad experiences and help others who are following the same lonely path.

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Oh Veto, you are one beautiful Boy, you are making your Uncle so happy to adopt his old beloved monkey. Susan, how nice for you to do that, to restuff the monkey. I have a stuffed animal, well many, but one that was/is Erica's favorite, a dog with a spots. Erica named him: Wait for it: Rough Spot Paw. She looked at him as soon as she opened her eyes on the first day of 1st grade, and she said, " Oh its Rough Spot Paw?" He's had a few new noses over the years. One day not too long ago, Erica (little one) asked if she could take the dog into the room for privacy. It was Erica's (big) old bedroom. I love the ways our little ones carry on the traditions and connections to our Gone too Soon Kids.

Peace on this day.

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Christopher's Mom

It has been awhile since I have visited this site.  These past few weeks have been very difficult, my job as a social worker is extremely draining and I find I have NOTHING left to give at the end of the day.  My husband is retired so he is home and I am no help or company to him when I get home.  This school year doesn't end for another 3 weeks and working with students is just too hard.  I'm doing everything I can do to hang in and get to the last day.  I'm so hoping time off this summer will help me get myself together and be ready to come back in August with the commitment & enthusiasm I once had, my students deserve better than what I am currently able to give. 

My husband and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary in April.  Prior to Chris passing away the month before, we had planned a party and ultimately decided we would go forward with it.  We had a good time and it was wonderful to have all the people we loved in one room together for a few hours......but  Chris wasn't there and that was on my mind throughout the evening.

Mother's Day was awful,  truth is this wasn't the first awful mother's day - for the last 8 year or so they have all been bad.  Chris would be angry, or in a rehab program, or a residential facility or home but out with his friends not even acknowledging the day.  The  only difference this year was that I always had hope that next year could be different.  Now there is no hope that  things will ever be different, just this dark empty place that aches more and more with each passing day.....

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JD's Mom, Becky

Friends, I'm hurting today and I am not sure how to proceed or even if I should take any action, but yesterday, Mother's Day, after having a pleasant day with my husband and my daughter Jasmine, having put new baskets of flowers on my front porch, my Jasmine made me a beautiful cake, and I watched my hubby plant new butterfly bushes in our yard, and tired from just walking, came in and reclined to rest and my angelboy, Jared played some music for me from his photobox which hasn't worked for several years, and for that hour which his music played, I relaxed and thought of my 15 years with him. Later in the evening, my daughter rode into town, about 3 miles away, and saw the damned vehicle that hit and killed my son on a used car lot for sale! She took a picture of the VIN number and came home and compared it to the police report, and sure enough it's the same vehicle!!! I know the lot owner is not to blame in anyway, but you can imagine what it will feel like for us until the damned thing is sold, and we no longer have to look at it! 
It was bad enough the driver was never charged, even though she had alcohol and prescription drugs onboard ( no open container law here) but she spent the first three years speeding past our home in that vehicle like nothing ever happened. Finally this  last year we haven't heard anything from her after she tried to charge Jasmine with assault because they saw each other out publicly and Jasmine got upset and started crying. She wasn't successful in her attempt to cause more problems, as Jasmine was found not guilty. Now this! What the hell?? 
Thoughts, please. I wouldn't want to be the innocent person buying this car not knowing, but I have a feeling there isn't anything to let them know! Probably only the parts that were replaced, etc. Poor Jasmine went to bed in tears, once again. We have tried to rely on God to handle vengeance, but it gets harder and harder.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Mary Ellen, it may be that your job is too high stress...I hope having this summer off will give you the time you need.

Becky, I am sorry you saw the vehicle that killed your Jared for sale. I know how that would have stabbed me in the heart to see that. Hugs. (And it is hard not to think of the vengeance aspect.)

Susan, I was so startled to see your John David's monkey. I had one just like it when I was little....I am sure there is a lot of love passed on in that toy!

Kate, how are things with you and Ross? Sending prayers.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Mothers Day was awful. My husband and I got in a big fight, everything was just bad. I sent him out with the flowers I had bought, I just couldn't do it. It is my second child grave site! I am so mad at the universe!

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Tommy's mum

Christophersmom I am sorry you are feeling so broken up. Part of the grief process is also acknowledging that nothing can change in regards to your son. There is not going to be a next year or a chance to do things differently and that is a stark bare fact that is so painful. I know that dark empty place only too well. As you go through the process gradually the light peeks in and you will be able to face happier memories instead of longing for something that cannot be. just hang in there. Your job sounds stressful and you recognise you are not able to give 100% not surprising with the very recent passing of your son. having time off is really key to recovery time to cry, catch up on missed sleep, establish new routines, and concentrating on making peace with yourself. Congratulations on your anniversary, having a good husband beside you must really help.

becky seeing that car must have felt like a dagger in your heart I am sorry. It really is so awful having to see the perpetrator freely driving around as if nothing had happened and then to see the actual vehicle for sale. i would feel anger too and betrayal, but there is probably nothing you can do regarding the car. Hopefully someone will either buy it and take it out of town or it gets scrapped. It was the person driving it that was the cause ,and to not get any punishment for her dangerous driving and possession of alcohol and drugs is appalling. It would make me feel angry too. The most important thing is not to get involved with the person at all, even if provoked, because she tried to make trouble before for your family and it did not end so well. Easier said than done I know, I would have to clench my fists and force myself to walk away all the while wanting to scream at her and shake some sense into her. Unfortunately that is not our job to exert justice and the law would not take kindly to any action. It must be a terrible burden knowing she is out there free to live her life but if she gets into any more trouble with the law some justice may come down. they say a leopard does not change its spots or behaviours so you will have to keep back and wait for karma to catch up. i wish i had words of comfort to offer you, it is a very difficult position for your family to be in.

laurie that one day has the power to set off a firework display of emotions and to have two gravesites to visit must be so very very hard, I am sorry. Certain dates and times of year are especially provoking as we all know, it is a case of just getting through that day as best you can and starting afresh the next day. Being mad at the universe makes total sense. i was furious and I blame God, that is who I cannot forgive hence my atheism. I guess we all need someone to blame right? My eldest daughter was mad at evryone and everything for over a year because it is easier to mask deep sorrow with anger, but not healthy. She eventually chipped away at her anger realising it was misplaced and is more settled but she is still a ways away from being recovered because she does not want to talk about her brother's death. it will be a thin scab covering it until a time when it gets knocked off by some other big life event and she will need to face the trauma then. We both see that denial is not healthy but she is an adult who makes her own choices and i have to respect her wishes and be there for when she needs me. no one grieves the same way or for the same time. There is no right or wrong way we each have to find our own path and our individual way of dealing with things. My other daughter keeps it all very quietly inside and does not engage in talking about her brother she puts on a brave happy face to hide her pain. She worries me the most. My youngest son is quite well balanced I think. he has made some peace for himself and cried with his girlfriend and seems to have accepted the situation in as much as you can accept it. There should be a grief class where you can throw soft things and punch bags and kick the hell out of soft cushioned items to allow parents and siblings to alleviate their anger and pain in a healthy physical way and then get gentle support after. just a thought. I really hope tomorrow brings a better day, and then a better week for you. grief sucks.

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Jeff's Mom

Oh gosh, sorry to see that so many are struggling with various issues.  With  the full moon last week I find it always seems to send things into a tail spin. Moods soar up and down like crazy. Also, Mother's Day is always one of the hardest to get through. I'm glad it is over, but  will admit that it was not as difficult as I was anticipating. My granddaughters are real little artist's and painted me individual flower pots at school. I am over the moon and now just have to find a perfect little plant for each one. I just spoke to my youngest and it always brings a smile to my face hearing her little voice. She is such a cutie. They are ready to murder their dog however. He is definitely NOT a house dog. He is more of a sheep dog that belongs on a farm. That dog has eaten the legs on their dining room chairs, chewed the corner of an entrance wall, etc. Loony for sure! 

We walked into the site again yesterday. Then afterwards we headed to a few greenhouses to browse. I was in my glory and managed to do some damage for sure. Ross is handling his latest issue as he always does. Like a trooper. I am the one that is beginning to crumble. I find I am needing to sleep more than ever before as my energy is beyond sapped. I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. We had a quiet but terrific dinner last night and then watched a program called Dickensian. I am really enjoying it. Ross's way of dealing with things is to just get on with it and keep as busy as he can. I can't say how much I admire his determination not to give in to things. 

It was a beautiful day here today with lots of sunshine and very pleasant temps. I am organizing my gardens and planning my shopping excursions for flowers. Stay strong everyone and hold on with both hands. I hope things begin to calm down for all of you soon. And Becky, remember your health! You have to look after you as you have been through so much lately. Love to ALL, Kate

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I'm at work. I have this antsy feeling. I looked at clocked and realized it's the time my daughter started drinking on the Monday night before she passed on Tuesday. I want to start crying. What do I have to do, take Monday night through Wednesday mornings off? 

Yesterday was bad. I slept all morning till 1 in the afternoon.  Then tried keeping my mind off of my daughter and went to movie with my son. He gave me a card and a typed note, he knows I wouldn't have been able to read his handwriting.  It made me tear up. 

I'm putting the CD with the photos and video recordings on it in the mail to the law firm tonight. I really hope they take the case. 

I sent my mom a message on Facebook messenger wishing her happy mother's day yesterday and asked her to forgive me for not calling her. It was a rough day. She said she was having a rough weekend. She called me later and I totally forgot about telling her. She talked about her weekend and the weeping she was doing. I wanted to tell her I can't comfort her. I don't have it in me to be strong for anyone but my son. I couldn't though. I want to direct her to an online site as well but not this one. I'll have to look into more or find a local chapter she can attend.

I sent a screenshot of the official death report to my sister, since her husband so blatantly pointed out the "forensic pathologist in minnehaha county put positional asphixiation due to acute alcohol intoxication" on Facebook like they saw it. She hasn't said anything and doubt she will. She never does when she is wrong. It says: primary "positional asphixiation due to the face down position" contributory: "acute ethanol intoxication".

I miss her. It's getting harder. I know it will never be easy. I know I'm fairly new to this journey. I hate it, absolutely hate it, which I know we all do. 

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I also have a thumb print charm as does my son. 

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Home sick with a fever and bad throat and bad stomach, will write tomorrow. Love to All, hold on. We are here.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Well, thanks friends for letting me vent about seeing the car that killed my boy. We went today to the car lot and talked with the owner. He thought we were interested in buying it, so I asked if they had a "car fax" on it, and he said no, so I asked if he knew how many owners it had or where it came from. He told us that his son had bought it about two years ago and was now selling it and buying a bigger vehicle as he now had two children to transport. Oh dear God, we asked for the name of the seller and it turned out to be a guy that Jasmine went to school with, and so she realized at that moment that he also would have known my son, Jared. So I took the plunge and told the lot owner who was the first owner of this vehicle had been and what she did with it. He looked mortified! He wanted to know when and where that had happened, and we told him and Jasmine showed him the matching vin number on her phone, plus the pictures of the vehicle from the scene if the crash. No pics of my  son, just the car. Again, mortified. He promised to tell his son, who he felt would be most upset to know he'd been driving that vehicle for the last two years. Evidently even if they had gotten a car fax it would only tell you about damage, but not anything about a fatality. I just think that is messed up. I also told him how evil the first owner that killed my son had been towards us. He seemed genuinely sorry and said so, which is more than we ever got from her. I requested he try and sell it to someone far away, but who knows what will happen with that. I just really don't want to see it again. That was so hard, and I came home and felt like crap all day. Thank you, Susan, Laurie, Tommy's mom, and Kate for your concern. I'm trying g to guard my health but sometimes I feel like she might as well have killed me too. I don't think she has a clue what she has done to my family, or that she cares in the least. I do not understand that kind of meaness. 

 

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Jeff's Mom

Tinay, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. We all know how rough those first two years are. Each day is a terrible struggle to just get up and keep going. Replaying those last moments is something we all do for some time. As a parent we need to feel we were there for them up until the end. We ask ourselves what we could have done to perhaps prevent such a terrible thing happening. The bottom line is that there is nothing as it was her time to go. Please... as hard as this ...know that we are here and do understand how much you are hurting. We would take it away if only we could. Stay strong and just hold on to the fact that it will ease somewhat in time.

Gretchen...I love your locket. It's beautiful!

Susan, thanks for sharing your pictures. Veto is growing by leaps and bounds. That cheeky monkey has found a great new home.

Dee, stay in bed and self care today. I hope you will be feeling better by tomorrow. 

Becky, it must be so hard to have seen that car. I am glad that the salesman was horrified to hear what had happened.  Would you consider buying the car and having it taken to a wrecking yard? I do worry that your health will suffer from this added stress. Jared would most definitely want you to be as healthy as you can be. Take care of yourself! 

Dianne...how are you? Thank you again for your kindness. We are up and putting one foot in front of the other. I know that any prayers on our behalf can not help but be beneficial.

It is cloudy and cool today. Perhaps the rain in the forecast will freshen things up a tad. I am wishing everyone a decent day today.

Kate 

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Mary Ellen, I knew that this longer silence had everything to do with your sadness and the overwhelming sense of grief. Combine that with the demands of your job, holy cow! Can you take a leave of absence for the remainder of the year? It should have been offered by the school district, but since it wasn't can you find out? A teacher with our district lost her 18 year old this past winter...a terrible fast cancer...they gave her three days of bereavement. THREE DAYS! 3? Holy Crap. She is a single parent and cannot do without her pay and when we tried to give her sick days that we have banked...they would not allow it. They used to, not anymore. Amazingly callous behavior for a school don't you think? I urge you to use whatever means to get the days off and have your time to grieve.

Becky, the car sounds like a continuation of the nightmare but hey...you three can do this. You can move forward in such a way that allows your heart the freedom it needs. THat car didn't do the crime, that woman did, and the state did when they did not prosecute...Don't get me wrong...I know that it is hard to see, hard to know it is in the neighborhood, but good humans drove it too. Like the car dealership manager's son.

Tinay, I love the idea of a thumbprint on the charm. Beautiful. Forever.

Kate, I am glad for your outing to the greenhouses...and the quiet dinner. I know that Ross is a move forward kind of guy, and I know that you need to regain whatever strength you can in the face of upset. You sleep when you need and eat well. One day at a time.

Fever left but is coming back and I will see the doctor soon.

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Thought so...strep throat.

 

My Son went out in the woods along the river today to try to help out with the search for the 16 year old who lost his life in the river on Saturday. the helicopters have been quiet this afternoon after a busy morning up and down the river...boats with sonar are out with dogs aboard...prayer and hope for the family who now have to face this awful truth.

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My girl is in heaven

 Ericas mom.  I hope you are feeling better. There is a flu bug going around where I live.  Do you guys get flu shots where you live. 

Jeffs mom. I admire your husband's strength and courage to handle lifes crap.  I wish I could be more like that.  Hope you get some sleep, I know I had that back in the winter where I just couldn't get enough sleep.  I think things catch up to us once in awhile.

Becky.I'm so sorry you had to see that car again. Can the guy at least park it at the back of the lot somewhere where it isn't sticking right out when you drive by.  I have never heard anyone being as cold and callous as the lady who killed your son.  To have not even been respectful enough to find another route but just drive by your house everyday. And then to be so mean to your daughter. How does she live with herself.  I hope that car sells soon and you never have to see it again. I know what you mean, some days I wish God had taken me that day too. Please look after your health. Your husband and daughter need you. And Oh, I'm so glad Jared played music for you.

Tinay  I know how certain days and times can trigger your grief especially at the beginning.  Sunny Sunday mornings still bother me sometimes.  Hopefully that will get less important what day or time it is as you go on.  You shouldn't have to be strong for anyone right now except you and your son.  Other people need to be strong for you. You have shown so much strength to be. back working and dealing with all the lawyer stuff too.  I hope you get justice for your daughter.  I love the thumb print.  You are at a very difficult stage, just keep taking one day or even one hour at a time.  You have all my contact numbers, just let me know if I can help in any way, even if you just want to talk or have somebody listen.  I will be here. Take care

Tommy mom. Strange how all your kids deal differently with Tommys death.  I guess just like us parents we all have to find our way.  

Jesse David and Taylor Mom.  I can't imagine having 2 sites to visit.  You are incredibly strong woman. I hate the universe too.  I have no patience any more, I just want to tell everyone to get the hell out of my way. I have a lot of bitterness against the whole world.  I think were allowed to feel that way.  

Mermaid tears.  Beautiful pictures.  What a treasure for veto to have.  It will mean such to him when he is older and understands where it came from. 

Tobyfreefoot.  Lovely locket. I have some of my daughters hair that she cut off herself(and all her dolls) when she was little.  maybe I'll put some in my locket too.  

Christophers mom. I have heard lotsof parents on here who had to go back to work so soon after losing their child.  I am sure you are very good at your job, but you can only stretch yourself so far when you are grieving too.  I am six years in almost and that dark empty place still remains   it is just as time goes on you don't go there as much. Best of luck getting thru the next 3 weeks and hopes for a good rest. You deserve it.

Amyanne and rainie, you doing ok.  Thinking about you guys. 

I know I am fairly new here and dont have half the knowledge or wonderful way with words like you guys.  But i truly appreciate all of your posts.  I ready them all over and over. I have been searching for almost six years and I think I am starting to find my way home. Thanks to all of you. 

 

 

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Jeff's Mom

 

Dee, sorry about the strep. Take it easy and hopefully you will feel better soon. 

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Tommy's mum

Thinking kind thoughts for everyone struggling on this site with illness and grief. It is true when emotional defences are weakened illness can creep in and cause havoc with the body. Stress continues to diminish your immunity and we can get sick. Also the weather. In the UK we have had a week of solid rain and it is gloomy and dark. I have gone into hibernation mode and been unable to find any energy to do anything even inside. All I want to do is lay on the couch and nap. In the end I got my blue light out (SAD treatment) and sat in front of it for 2 hours in an attempt to get my mind and body moving again. It really works. i have to brave the weather to get my prescriptions and i hate going out in the rain! Some of you could really benefit from this treatment I think. I got mine off Amazon, it is the really big one that lights up a room so you dont have to spend much time in front of it.

Dee hope you feel better soon.

Rainie have not heard from you in a while you doing OK? I know mothers day would be especially tough for you.

Silky are you doing ok?

Devianz are you doing ok?

There are so many of us struggling I can't name them all personally but if you are reading posts and not able to post just know each one of you is important and cared about, you are now part of a caring community of parents who are figuratively holding your hands.

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Thanks for your well wishes folks, I am hit heavily with this thing. I thought I would get up and be fever free and less pain in my throat...NOPE! I am miserable. Oh well, hopefully after the third dose of penicillin I will be much better. I am in lots of discomfort I think due to fever and my throat is so very swollen. 

 

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Tommy's Mum,

I'm alright, thank you for asking after me. I've been here and reading but just don't have the energy to post. I'm having female issues, and have been stuck in a cycle now for 34 days, and they have tried several different hormones to get it to stop.  I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow but my iron count is super low and I'm in a lot of pain and discomfort. I wish they'd just take the whole thing out of me... it's certainly not going to do me any good at 45 years old. It's done this 7 times in the last two years but this time it's the worst I've seen. Saw a new doctor on Monday, but he was a misogynistic jerk who leered at me from over the tops of his glasses when I was describing my symptoms and pain in the most condescending way. Like it's all in my head. What he doesn't know is that I have an extremely high threshold for pain and I don't come to the doctor unless there is something really wrong.  4 years ago my appendix ruptured and filled my gut with 2.5 liters of fluid, I didn't go to the doctor until almost 2 days later when I couldn't pick my head up off the pillow anymore.  So physical pain is something I can tolerate a lot of.  This is different though. I know something is wrong but I can't get anyone to listen.

Mother's Day was particularly hard on me. A lot of weepy moments. My husband was very kind, making me breakfast and dinner and was just generally very aware and sweet. It was hard for him too. I don't expect Father's Day to be much easier.  While my husband wasn't my son's bio dad, he was there from the time Nathan was 3, so he was the only father Nathan ever knew and was so good to Nathan. He's a good man, and it will hit him hard. I didn't go out to brunch with my Mom, as I wasn't up for her drama routine. I told her I wasn't up for company but they came out anyway for a visit.  So I sat in my garden pulling weeds while talking to them so I could wear my sunglasses and they wouldn't see the tears. Mom could never respect boundries.

Dee,

Strep Throat sucks... Popsicles and Jello.  And lots of warm fluid. Chicken Bone Broth if you can find it and aren't vegan.

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