Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Becky....you will always be my Warrior Mom....when I 'met' you....and Laurie about the same time...we 3 had sons who used the initials in their name as their 'name'...JD.....we had a connection.....but you were fierce...vital...viable...courageous...in your 'battle' to bring justice for your son....and to try to get 'that person' off the road so another parent would not have to face losing their child. Now....your story is a cautionary tale for other parents in that this kind of grief...that goes into every part of your body, soul and spirit...can cause great health issues. That grief causes super great stress....in reviewing other parents....many have some kind of health issues after this kind of loss....it shows up in the first year....or more so in the 2nd and 3rd year of the grief journey. Stress can cause huge inflammation in the body and organs....a silent killer. That is why we tell parents to 'self care'...for you are the only one that can care for yourself.

Wendy....am thinking of you.....you have had a double hammer of grief....losing your son....then that amazing Mama....and I am sorry no one is beside you. Please...read an earlier post of mine detailing what I do to give my immune system a boost. Also...you were in the hospital....do they have any organizations listed that might help you ? Is there a Grief Meeting in your community ? We can connect on this screen...but I do believe it is so healing to have a human voice to communicate with. Maybe some churches have a grief circle. In some communities...Hospice offers grief counseling meetings for people who have lost a loved one. Please let us know how you are doing.

Georgina....please read Becky's post....when we did not hear from you...I was thinking you had had a complete 'Emotional/Physical' breakdown....for I fear you are headed for it. Your emotional issues...trigger your physical health. There is simply no way we can separate the two. I do hope you can connect with a Counselor...Therapist...Pastor....Friend that can help you get your struggles with the emotional balance more settled down. No....the grief is not cured...but maybe you will find some constructive ways in which to handle the deep grief. We are each so unique in our situations...family dynamics...environments...there is simply no answer to 'fit all'. But I do hope you will search for a way that you can get a grasp on a solution to help you handle the grief so you will not suffer with health issues. Your 'new GRANDdaughter' is gorgeous...those tiny hands have lots of healing in them. You still have many gifts to be grateful for...and many blessings with that circle of family you have. Do you still go to the grave every day ?

Becky....sending you this latest photo of our new Little man with my daughter and SIL....the GRANDparents....I am so blessed to be a GREAT Grandparent...

ScreenShot1024.jpg

ScreenShot1021.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 68.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ericasmom

    9217

  • Mermaid Tears

    3803

  • daveydow1

    3002

  • shorty16

    2248

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Tinay....what a beautiful name...Kiona.....where did you find it....? Hawaiian....? Alaskan ? American Indian ? I named my daughter...Randa.....I found it in 'Gone With the Wind'....a very old southern name.....

She is gorgeous....thinking of you.

ScreenShot1015.jpg

ScreenShot1007.jpg

ScreenShot851.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's Hawaiian. We spelled it different then how we pronounce it from Hawaiian perspective. We aren't Hawaiian.  Its pronounced key-on-nah.  We found it in a baby book. Her middle name is Leigh. I called her punky roo roo. She hated that but I found a t-shirt in her things with that on it and melted me heart she kept it. We didn't have the best relationship. I backed off and was waiting for her to come to me. That didn't happen. I know she loves me. 

I also have the same guilty feelings as others. I don't seem to cry a lot. The triggers seem to be less. I'm only 50 days into this and I'm scared I'm moving on too fast, that thought brings tears to my eyes. I know I'm not. I know I'm grieving the way I can right now. I also know I need to sit with someone, whether a pastor, councilor or a friend that doesn't know much about her case and just let it all out. Finding that time seems hard. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
ericasmom

Becky, good to see you today though sorry that the eye stuff has not been settled. I would probably have the same reaction to anticipating the treatment for it too. I am so wishing you renewed and strengthened vision.

Like Becky, it was after our battle was over in the courts that my former husband and father of my kids, got sick. It was after so much hurt and fight and let-down that Michael developed Leukemia, as though his battle for justice for our Daughter was  all that was left. He felt he had nothing left for her anymore and we did not win in court so I think he also felt he let her down, which of course he didn't. So like Susan has said and many of us here remind you, you must take care of body when soul and spirit are so depleted, they are not seperate entities, you are one with it all, one thing affects the other greatly. Boost your immune system as best you can and get outside as often as you can to just let yourself hear and breathe and be in sync with nature...it can act like a short revival moment, a reset button of sorts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

yes Dee....I remembered the story of your ex-husband....and just a few weeks ago....I learned of your bout with cancer...and that now....you can stop taking the medication for it....a huge success for you and your loved ones. I believe you found a sacred place within yourself to put your grief...your unconditional love...Eri's persona and spirit and cherish it there. You have a wise and wonderful treasure chest full of empathy and caring and compassion. The fruits of one bereaved parent that has learned to embrace earth and heaven as one....there is so much more than the eye can see.

ScreenShot958.jpg

ScreenShot946.jpg

ScreenShot943.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

My heart goes out to all of you who as if losing your child wasn't enough, you have had to sit through trials or battle the laws that should have protected your children, or efforts to get new laws or hold those responsible for your child's death accountable.  That's a whole other layer on top of your grief.  Your efforts to get justice for your kids is so inspiring to the strength and courage to battle on.  You are all heros.    

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
ericasmom

Susan, my holy place is hit with turbulence too. In fact recently I have been especially short tempered and quick to tears and quick to anger. I had to take a look inward, not always a pretty site, and see what was going on...part of it is just the amount of time that Erica has been gone and how dearly I miss her...some of it has to do with my increased anxiety...sometimes it just is on overload. I have to face it and take it on and make sure that I am giving enough quiet time or alone time...for me that is walking time usually. School has been extra tense this year, too many administrators making decisions that are bad for kids and bad for we teachers. I swear as I get older, my filter is disappearing and I say what is on my mind...all of it honest but that does not always go over well with those who are above me and would rather gloss over their short comings. Oh well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Dee....I think a couple of years ago I sent my highest regards to teachers....I have a friend that was an amazing teacher...and she told me...'I can teach any child but I cannot teach under ANY administration'......so....I know the page you are on....I was just out with one of my girls...Randa's friends is a teacher and she told me of her troubles at school. My anxiety seems to reach a tipping when I know a child...grandchild is going to be on the roads...and I just want to gather them all and put them in a corner...wrapped in a soft...safe blanket....and keep them HERE. But...that is not what life is about...and I cannot keep them from moving forward and living their dreams...just like I did when I was that young parent...that wild young child. Life is for the living. I am going to post my 'visitation dream' from John David as a Mother's Day gift to all the parents on this site....

ScreenShot1032.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Mermaid tears.  Can't wait to hear your John David story.  

Well I took everybodies advice about getting in the dirt.  I cut the grass, dug up some weeds and washed some Windows. I know, no big deal for most, but for me who has been laying on my couch for four months sinking deeper and deeper into depression it was huge.  I certainly wasn't happy , I know that word doesn't exist anymore, but I felt a little bit normal.  I found myself talking to my daughter and telling her its ok i wasnt forgetting her, i was just cutting the grass.  Sometimes I think though I'm really just putting in time til I can be with my daughter again. It did seem to help for a little bit just getting out my front door.  A few weeks ago I said to my husband as I looked out my window, I'm not sure, but I think it might be spring out there. Thanks for the advice.  I think I might try to do some more weeding and trimming tomorrow.  Two days in a row would be something.  Take care everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou ann, working toward something, whether it is clean windows or to pull weeds, is something that makes your body move, when our bodies are in motion for 20 minutes our brain releases endorphins, which are the chemicals that allow us to feel a tiny bit  better...more time moving, the more endorphins are released. Also, when your brain is involved in the act of cleaning, or pulling weeds, or painting or drawing, it is newly focused on something...as brief as it may be, it is a good thing for our brains to be redirected at times. Not leaving grief, never do we leave our Child/Children, we just veer off on a path that allows some other kind of activity or work. In order to honor our Kids, we do not have to only think of the ways they died, they want us to go beyond that because they are going to go along with us wherever we go. So think of it as taking your Girl for a walk or a jog or a bike ride. When you mow the lawn, your Girl is mowing the lawn too. And please just believe me when I say it; Our kids are grinning hugely when we learn to do things again. They are our biggest cheerleaders and want us to find our way outside again, into public again, perhaps working again...we do what we can in small increments and we find in those small portions, we repair some of our broken pieces.

So true Susan, I can work with any child, will love them and do my best by them, but boy, the lack of equity coming from the administration is just plain ugly. I am angry. And I am like you in that when there are changes in my family or someone is traveling, or a friend is ill, my anxiety rockets.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Louanne...yes....I did the same thing....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear God, Please Take Care Of My Little Girl

 

Dear God, please take care of my little girl,

The one with big eyes, and soft brown curls.

She was special, as you should know,

I really didn't want to let her go.

 

She touched the hearts of everyone she knew.

Letting her go was so hard to do.

Her smile could brighten up the darkest room.

I wish you didn't have to take her so soon.

Could you sit and rock her and read her a story,

She's probably afraid, please tell her don't worry.

Tell her mommy loves her and wishes she could be here,

But it won't be for many more years.

 

She loves to sing all kinds of songs,

Please tell her that she did no wrong. 

Would you comfort her and hold her in your arms tight,

And tell her she is missed every day and night.

 

Please tell her she is loved so very dear

I'll say it every day for her to hear

Her short life on earth is now completed

For lessons I'm sure you felt I needed

 

Tell her I promise to see her again someday

When that will be, I really can't say

I promise to make up for the time that's past

To hold her and comfort her, my arms at last. this poem reminds me sooo much of my little girl makes me cry everytime i read it 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Darcy12.. I was going to use that poem at my daughter's funeral. I ended up picking one that my niece wanted and a different one that the pastor either didn't get through email or just forgot to read. 

Along with her passing and advocating for her, I'm trying to make sure the fundraising monies get to  where they need to go. That's a feat all its own. The "friend" that has done them for me, I think she might be using some of the monies and just waiting till she can pay it back. Specifically the silent auction of donated items. I'm at my wit's end trying to find out if this is the case. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i found this poem just after my daughters funeral was so gutted. thats not easy if the friend is taking the money ur trying to raise because you have tryed hard to get that money for the charity i hope everything goes ok for you 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

I know there is a lot of anxiety building up with Mother's Day approaching....you are not alone on this grief journey...

ScreenShot1047.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Omgosh mermaid Tears...I shouldn't read these while at work :::::(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Dee being a teacher is just the hardest job with short staff and constant cuts in education, yet they provide such a valuable service to the community. Education is soo important for life. Well done you for providing that important service. I was a preshool teacher for 5yrs in the USA and loved it then came back to the UK and was a nursery assistant to the 2 yr olds. Being a Mum was a great advantage because I could advise parents on parenting issues as well as social skills and encouraging learning skills. You are not the only one with a shorter filter. I think that as we mature we are more able to stand up and cut through the crap, we are not easily influenced youngsters anymore. We have a lifetime of skills and experience behind us and being a parent you learn so many other things like multi tasking, time management, alternative communication negotiation etc so we have less patience for drama and strife. Also because we have had the worst thing in the world happen already we are a little burned.

Louann and mermaidtears glad you both got some garden action in. i find digging hard in the dirt and ripping out weeds and hacking back overgrown shrubs very therapeutic. i take my anger and stress out and also am able to create in its place a thing of beauty and colour and life. I talk to my son too and have bought more orange plants so that I can look out and see the colour of his bright red hair reflected in my space. by creating some beauty I create peace and also a space for the birds bees and butterflies which make me reflect on the circle of life itself. Hard housework sometimes works too scrubbing floors or washing windows I put all my pent up emotions into the task and often cried whilst I did it.

Darcy12 that poem is so heartbreaking I sobbed when I read it, and thanks also mermaidtears for the mother's manifesto also extremely poignant and very well written. We already celebrated mother's day in the UK in March luckily I was away at the time so it was ok. i got texts from my kids and cards when i got back but Tommy would always forget anyway!

Tinay I am sorry you think your friend may have "borrowed" the charity money how awful. Perhaps you could talk to them and say you are closing the fundraiser now and want to present a cheque to the charity. Give her a closing date a couple weeks from now so she has a chance to find the money. If she is unable to come up with it you can tell her you now have an option of filing a police report for theft. Facing a possible criminal history and bad publicity from stealing from a charity she may well be able to replace the money. What were you raising money for?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Darcy 12, beautiful poem.  Made me think of my daughter when she was little.  I'm sure your daughter is surrounded with love.

Mermaid tears  did you do anymore outside work today? I pulled dandelions for a couple hours and that was just my front yard.  What my yard looks like really isn't important to me anymore, just like lots of things, but it just filled up a bit of time.

Tommys mum.  That's nice that you plant orange to remind you of your son.  My daughters favourite colour was purple.  I have a purple ribbon off something from the funeral tied around my light fixture on my porch.  I'm sure people wonder why I have done that.  Just little things but mean a lot to a grieving mom. 

Tinay  i can't believe someone would be that low to take that money. Tommy mom has a good idea, that's what I would do.  I can't believe you are back to work so soon.  You have so much to deal with right now.  I didn't cry a lot either, but I have read that that doesn't mean we loved our daughters any less.  And just when you feel like your moving forward, something like a holiday or a memory trigger will come along and take you two steps back.  At least that is what I found.  I'm so sorry you have to deal with this money thing so new into your grieving but I hope you get it resolved.  Hang in there.

Ericas mom. Thank you for letting me know that when we do something with our time it doesn't mean we are leaving our grief or child behind.  I have no hobbies as my kids were my whole life and what I got so much joy out of.  The only other thing I ever enjoyed was watching hockey.  Of course growing up in Canada that was the entertainment every Saturday night. I haven't bothered much this last winter because of the depression but now hockey is into playoffs I find myself watching.  I am actually looking forward to the two games on tonight, but I feel so guilty.  How can you enjoy anything when your child can't enjoy anything anymore. It doesnt seem right.  Or if you order a pizza or go shopping.  Everything seems wrong to do. I don't know how to get around that. I can justify housework or cutting the grass as that is work. But, what about actually doing something that you get even a little bit of pleasure from?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou Ann-i came back to work 2weeks after. I have no choice. I have to pay my bills and keep the roof over mine and my son's heads. I was taking Tuesday's off. But I couldn't this week and will be getting OT as the other supervisor isn't cutting it. VP is having meeting with him tomorrow so I might be only supervisor for awhile. My bosses are very lenient with me. I am grateful for that.

Someone asked what the fund raising money was for, sorry can't remember who, it was to help with funeral/hospital expenses. We are waiting to see if hospital will be written off or taken care of by her insurance. The funeral-my dad paid over half of it and her dad's place of employment put a good chunk down too. There isn't much left to cover. I've been getting the fundraising monies as I just started this position the day prior to her passing. I would have been without income for a month. The 3 individuals involved, they are court ordered to pay the funeral expenses. So my dad and her dad will get the money back. However long that will take. 

As for the rest of the fundraising money, I just have to explain it's been a month since the auction and if I don't see those funds by a certain date, I'll let my attorney deal with it. She will probably come up with it pretty fast. I'm close to losing my vehicle. Ugh. Anyways. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You Were the Pride of Our Hearts
          

It’s so difficult to let you go
Though death’s left us no other choice
We’re mourning the loss of never seeing you again
Of never hearing your precious voice  

It seems that in life there are certain times
Which are more than 'simply unfair'
When our hearts search out for better answers
But cannot seem to find them there  

And such is the case at your passing
Contemplating the briefness of your life
All the great things that you still would have done
If you’d been granted a little more time  

It isn’t difficult to envision the possibilities
For look at what you’d already done
The difference you’d made in so many lives
In all that you had become  

Perhaps you were simply too good for this life
So God called you back to Heaven
That your life needed no further testament
Than the goodness you’d already given

But regardless of the reason
For why you had to depart
We will miss you every single day of our lives
For you were the pride of our hearts  

Thank you for being our example
Inspiring us through your courage and drive
We’ll cherish all the precious memories
That you lovingly created in our lives  

For truly, your life reflected
A wisdom that few, so young, can see
Yet your humbleness kept you from knowing
The legacy your life would leave  

Still we’ll miss you most for your love and your smiles
For they made our world seem so bright
And we’ll treasure each memory and moment
Every way you blessed our pathways in life  

And though we can’t quite understand
Why so soon you had to part
We’re eternally grateful for the gift of your life
For you were the pride of our hearts!

this is the poem I picked out for my precious daughter

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello friends,

Raining again here in Wisconsin...wow are we going to have some flowers!!

Darcy12 - This grief journey is a long and hard one.  We will never "Get over it."  Please discard the thought that "you should be farther along or feel better." You are fine right where you are.  Be kind to yourself.

Tommy's Mom - your words to others on this site are encouraging and elequent.  I enjoy reading your responses.

I would like to tell you about my experience with Brians death.  I had just received the phone call all parents dread. "Brian was in an accident...it is really bad...you need to get down here."

As I stood up to walk out of the room, I felt "something" go through my body.  This "feeling" stopped me in my tracks.  I could not believe all the feelings I felt in that split second of time. There was no fear.  I did not feel alone and I wanted to be there.  I had no idea what this feeling was until about 1.5 years later.  Another Mom posted on this site: " I felt her go through me when she died."  After reading that, I knew that is what I felt.  Brian went through my soul when he died.  Brian was happy, not afraid, and not alone.  I think of this feeling many times and it brings me joy in the face of such loss.

Thanks for reading.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Tinay....I love...love that poem....I sometimes cringe when I hear of the circumstances...situations of some parents when they are faced with this kind of grief....we had a Mom....who lost her beautiful daughter...Trista...and she had her 2 young sons with her....but...the 'family' she had...her circumstances...was just beyond awful...I wish she was still active on this site for she could give you and LouAnn so much wisdom....there is nothing I can do in a physical way...but I can be here for you...and hear you...

LouAnn....there is simply nothing wrong in enjoying small pleasures....in fact...it is normal...and healing....and it shows that your love for your girl is strong...and straight on....we don't get medals or ovations for being martyrs..or being stoic...no one will march you out on a stage with a plaque saying...'THIS MOM GRIEVED SO WELL'....my John David would be the first...to come down from Heaven and lecture me....for not 'being his Mom...and being ME'....

tommys Mum....I love that you find colors in nature that will reflect your SONshine boy....you give us such wisdom and heart lifts with your posts...thank you...

Mother's Day is coming....it will be a hard one for many.....

ScreenShot1049.jpg

ScreenShot1052.jpg

ScreenShot1048.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou ann, I remember feeling a bit like that after Erica died nearly 14 years ago now. I realized though, that Erica was all around me, urging me on. I felt her urging me into the world, and I felt the promise of her with me all the time. I talk to her still, everyday, I haven't let her go, how could I? I had to let the terrible day when the train hit her go though. I had to. I went out each evening right around the time of that last evening, for my evening walk. I called Erica that last evening, and we talked and laughed and bid each other love. I promised her I would send her a new skirt that I purchased that very day for her. Instead, she wore it to her own wake/funeral. But what I realized at around the 5 month mark was, I had to change the vision. I had to go out for my walk and do something other than replay the sequence of what occurred. I had to do this in order to let some light filter into my spirit. I know my Girl, she was rooting for me to quit reenacting the terrible phone call I received a half hour after my call with her. I had to physically do something different each night that i went out for a walk...call my sisters, ride my bike instead of a walk, ask a friend to walk with me, something that changed the scenario a bit and disallowed that same repetition of the night. Eventually, I was able to break the spell, the need, the obligation it seemed to replay, the neurotic repetition of negative, to a new way. I never left Erica behind, and Lord and Erica know, that that horrid night, is right there behind my eyes, inside my heart, imprinted on my soul, but that I visit it only briefly and occasionally now, allowing much more room in my memory for the goodness in Erica's life. And I do think that that is key, at least for me, to change the habit and then just to know and feel that you are taking your Child along everywhere you go. And you are. You will always be the Mom in your Child's smile and heart. Nothing changes that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 hours ago, Tinay said:

You Were the Pride of Our Hearts
          

It’s so difficult to let you go
Though death’s left us no other choice
We’re mourning the loss of never seeing you again
Of never hearing your precious voice  

It seems that in life there are certain times
Which are more than 'simply unfair'
When our hearts search out for better answers
But cannot seem to find them there  

And such is the case at your passing
Contemplating the briefness of your life
All the great things that you still would have done
If you’d been granted a little more time  

It isn’t difficult to envision the possibilities
For look at what you’d already done
The difference you’d made in so many lives
In all that you had become  

Perhaps you were simply too good for this life
So God called you back to Heaven
That your life needed no further testament
Than the goodness you’d already given

But regardless of the reason
For why you had to depart
We will miss you every single day of our lives
For you were the pride of our hearts  

Thank you for being our example
Inspiring us through your courage and drive
We’ll cherish all the precious memories
That you lovingly created in our lives  

For truly, your life reflected
A wisdom that few, so young, can see
Yet your humbleness kept you from knowing
The legacy your life would leave  

Still we’ll miss you most for your love and your smiles
For they made our world seem so bright
And we’ll treasure each memory and moment
Every way you blessed our pathways in life  

And though we can’t quite understand
Why so soon you had to part
We’re eternally grateful for the gift of your life
For you were the pride of our hearts!

this is the poem I picked out for my precious daughter

I am Crying as I type this! The poem you found fits perfectly to my Son.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Louann it is ok to take some time for yourself and do something you enjoy or take up a new hobby. being present and living again is what our children want and it is also a welcome sign to your other children that it is ok to move on slowly and not punish yourself constantly. I believe our kids are happy where they are, they are free from the sadness and bad things that we experience on this earth and they walk beside us every day even if we cannot see or feel them encouraging us to keep going and to be better people. I think of Tommy climbing trees, riding bikes and skateboarding as he was constantly in motion.The signs we long for can be very few and far between but their presence can be felt with a gentle breeze ruffling your hair or touching your skin,a sun peeping out after a rainstorm, a bird singing that lifts your heart, just random things that happen in life. It may be a song on the radio or a book you are reading, a sentence that someone has written to you. You just need to believe that it is not all over and you will be reunited again with your daughter one day just not for now. celebrate her purpleness! Plant purple flowers or buy a small piece of jewellry in purple to feel that connection against you or paint something abstract and beautiful with her favourite colours in them. Try crafting or photography there are so many guides on the internet,some crafts take only ten minutes. Perhaps making something beautiful and simple for your home will help you feel that unbroken connection between you and your little girl. It is about making new memories with a connection to our child ,something that makes us smile, just a little with fondness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Tinay I hope you are able to recover the money and be able to fix your car and pay off the funeral expenses.I love that poem, so beautiful. When we share something meaningful to us it helps others, touches a chord, sparks a memory and it is doubly beautiful because it is shared. It touched allenb and that is wonderful. Hope you are hanging in there allenb even if you do not post often, and this is for all of you out there, you are always in my thoughts.

10 hours ago, ericasmom said:

 But what I realized at around the 5 month mark was, I had to change the vision. I had to go out for my walk and do something other than replay the sequence of what occurred. I had to do this in order to let some light filter into my spirit.

 I visit it only briefly and occasionally now, allowing much more room in my memory for the goodness in Erica's life. And I do think that that is key, at least for me, to change the habit and then just to know and feel that you are taking your Child along everywhere you go. And you are. You will always be the Mom in your Child's smile and heart. Nothing changes that.

Words well worth quoting thanks dee.

Mermaidtears and Colleen thanks for your kind words. My hope is to connect with others in their sorrow and try to offer a little nugget of hope with honesty and compassion. You were indeed lucky to feel brian when he passed. All I felt when I was told was that I knew it was instantly true, there was no doubt that there had been a mistake, and that Tommy had acheived something so great, he helped to save the life of his friend and I was thankful another family had been spared the pain we were going through.

b42fb3dd1d97dd781bf3911648f2ff83.jpg.404de827e9f5accea8d01db4d36f614a.jpg637f2bc24bd63b89725a28682eaae893.jpg.f434bbcd5f68ab129c8abc1a918b1b65.jpg4f8f0fc6eb730c883bf676ad42f20672.jpg.98633840b41028a501268a658d468e69.jpg

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

AllanB.....am beyond sad in the loss of your 16 year old SONshine boy.....16 is such a milestone....a time to be happy...carefree..young. We have a Dad named Wade that comes and posts on this site....I hope he can read your post...and he can reach out to you. He lost his son, Brooks, and is still in deep grief. Tell us more about your boy....we do not have any answers....but we do have a lot of understanding and care.

ScreenShot1058.jpg

ScreenShot1057.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Allenb- I cry every time I read the poem. Today seems a day for me to cry. At least I work at a cubicle that no one has to see me 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tinay I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem pushy about you going back to work already.  I just think that is unfair to you.  I got six months off.  But then a couple years later fell into a deep depression again so after 29 years i got fired. Just a new young boss and had not one bit of sympathy that I had lost a child.  I think everyone I worked with thought I should be long over it and just thought I was a big screw up and got fired.  Two weeks after I got fired a union got voted in so this wouldn't happen to anyone else. I should have fought them on it but was too.upset.  After 29 years u just get escorted to the door with no card, gift, thanks for all your years of service just nothing.  Im glad your bosses are being good to you. And your poem is beautiful. It really speaks to the pain all of us feel.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou Ann- I didn't take it as you being pushy. Thank you about the poem. I need to post who wrote it. I forgot that when I posted it. Sorry if that made it seem like I did

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tinay, no problem. I just wish I could do something to help you.  I know what you feel like losing a vibrant, beautiful young daughter who had their whole world ahead of them.  I guess we grieving parents just need to hold onto one another. 

Tommys mum, Ericas mom, Mermaid tears.  Thank you all for your wise and comforting words. Even though I don't have any hobbies, I just embrace and try to enjoy the small victories  in life, hugging the cat (the last picture I have of Kira is holding that cat, she just loved her), talking to my son every night and telling him how much he is loved, texting my other son when he is not busy with his university classes and letting him know he is loved, talking to my sister in British Columbia (the only sibling who will still support me), knowing I have weeded almost all the dandelions in my front yard, and of course chatting with all of you. I am content to live a quiet life with a few small pleasures here and there.  I don't need anything big, wonderful or happy.  Thanks for reminding me she is happy and free and i will get to scoop her up in my arms again someday. You talk about those signs that pop up every once in awhile to let us know they are there.  I was laying on the couch(I'm doing more but I still really need to prod myself to go) and I asked Kira to help me get off the couch and do some vacuuming and there outside my patio door were two big puffy doves staring in at me.  I have never seen any doves around here before.  They strutted around for a short time then took off.  I got up and starting cleaning.  I am a lousy Gardner, I wish you guys lived close enough you could come over and help Me, but anyways am going to plant purple flowers in my garden this year for Kira. I too have had to let loose of that terrible day when I pulled her out of the tub, with the police tape all around the house, standing there in total shock as the fire men pulled away and began our drive to the hospital with the four of us not uttering one word all the way in.  Oh I can't believe I just went there.  I try to not think of it as much any more, but you are right it is right there in my heart.  You are so lucky you got that last talk with your daughter.  I can't remember anything that I last said to Kira. She was watching a movie and then went to bed.  When people say to me "But what would Kira want for you",  all I can think of is she is going to say "mom why didn't you get upstairs sooner and save me".  Well I'm starting to cry have to go. Thanks everyone. 

  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Oh Louann no, no, she would have said "Thanks for being my Mom. I love you but I have to go now see you later and be ok." She had no choice it was a freak thing that happened to her and neither you nor she could have prevented it. I am also encouraged by your recent words and actions. make sure you post photos of those purple flowers ok? Doves are a sign of peace and love and that is what your sweet girl was saying to you. Be at peace, forgive yourself you did nothing wrong ok? I had not spoken to my Tommy in a while, he was never good at keeping in touch. Because of his former addiction  and past behaviours,he was ashamed and preferred to keep in touch by private message. i know he also missed us desperately and was a bit scared he would break down a little by hearing our voices. i had to be satisfied with his choice of communication infrequent as it was. I finally persuaded him to skype me because I longed to hear his voice and see him again. We had not seen him for 4 years because we were in the UK and he was in Hawaii. Not enough money for flights. I had one joyous skype call with him it was incredible. His brother and one of his sisters happened to be home and were able to speak to him too. It went so well i arranged for another skype call in 2 weeks time and i was so happy to think we could communicate in real time and see each other as if we were in the same room. sadly that day he needed to leave a bit earlier to drive his friend to college and although i called him a bit earlier than arranged we were not able to speak. I guess he thought he could just call the next day and we could chat. That night he was killed and so I never got that skype call..... Breaks my heart but that is just the way it is. I still post on his wall on FB and when I see I have a message for a split second I still hope it will be my Tommy. It will be ok. We all have broken hearts but we will get through somehow and make our kids proud.DSCN1503.JPG.bcdcdfdbf2584e1d148299dab2bb4f8f.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't know if this is bad or not. I keep looking at my daughter's picture saying she's dead, she's gone. Sometimes I cry but sometimes I just go into something else. I talked to the law firm today. They want the pictures and video recordings and the court transcripts before making a decision. I think those will help them say yes. Now just waiting on CD from states attorney of pics and such, just have to resist urgent to look and watch. I was looking at going back to school for forensic crime scene investigation before she passed so that's where the curiosity comes in. I know I will regret it if I do though. Pray to God I don't make the make and look. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tinay, telling yourself that your Girl is dead, that she has died, is one way for you to absorb the truth of it all...not that you think it was all a story somehow made up, but it is a fantasy of all of ours in those early months that none of it is real. So you are entering a phase that affords you the reality of it all. Not that it is pretty, but you are preparing for what the pictures and CD will show. Half of us would look at the evidence, and another half of us wouldn't...totally up to you and either way, you will find a way to go forward. You will.

Lesley, what a handsome Man your Boy is. That beautiful hair, so vibrant in color. When did your Tommy move to Hawaii? I am glad that you had that skype time when you did. That is the little bit of gold that you will make more room for in your little heart-nest of grief and goodness.

Louann, I also think that your Girl, your Kira would say, Hey Mom, nobody loves me more, and nobody loves you the way I do. Thank you for all you do for us, for me. I am lucky to have had that call with Erica, and two days before she was struck, she surprised me with a visit with two of her Michigan friends...it was a special time for sure, and that was the golden thread for us in it all, there were many tiny pieces of gold in those weeks prior to her death. And many since too, but different of course. Like Colleen, who felt her Brian's spirit pass through her body...about a month after Erica died, I was taking one of my many walks and I was int he forest preserve. I was walking near the slough and suddenly felt something on my head, I looked up it felt as though something was poring into my head and when i looked up to see what it was...there was nothing but I stood still for it and it was a warm and tingling feeling entering my skull from the top and it warmed and tingeled all the way to my feet. I knew then in that moment it was the peace Erica was feeling and sharing with me so that I needn't worry about her. She was clearly feeling a beautiful and amazing peace. Since then, I know she is quite near when I get that same warm tingle in my scalp and sit smiling as it travels my body to my toes. I know that on those occasions she is right here in the room with me...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Came home to flowers for mother's day from a girlfriend of mine. They are sitting in a vase from my daughter's funeral on her vanity. Our kids grew up together. I can't stop crying

IMG_20170511_214534.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Tinay...what a blessing this is from your friend...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I hate that all of us are on this web site.  Seems not the be fair that our children pass before we do.. My Son passed 31 day after my Dad passed, Yes I was very sad at my dad's passing, but he was 81 years old, and that's the normal way of going thru our life's journey. But when  child that is " 16 is such a milestone....a time to be happy...carefree..young" man, that was so loved, liked and caring, leaves us in such an abrupt way, my heart is FOREVER broken. I do have a daughter that will be 21 next week, but this has truly broken all of us, (me, wife, daughter). We have each other. But a part of all of us is no longer there.   Yes the poem was so beautiful Tinay, I do think it fits well to a lot of our children.

15 weeks tomorrow since....    Life is so unfair :-(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i think thats what gets us all our parents pass but it is no were near as painful as our children our parents got to live a full life were as our children did not. i seem to find my self mothering childrenthat aint mine 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

dee thank you. Yes my Tommy was very handsome. i have never posted his photo here before as I am v computer ignorant. After many attempts I have figured out how to do the quotes thing but never photos. Somehow I did it with one photo and whenever I look in my cache for something to post he pops up. It makes me smile and cry a little at the same time. It is like he is saying "It's great you are on this site Mum and trying to heal yourself. I am ok and happy here and always with you."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Lesley.....I ditto what Dee said....what a handsome son.....always was...always will be....

ScreenShot1057.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

We all agree with you Allen....it isn't fair....and none of us had a choice in this. This kind of grief is very dark and heavy....grief is so exhausting. I felt as if someone handed me a 40 lb.bowling ball and said I would have to carry it when I ate, slept, walked, talked....forever. It is still heavy but one learns how to carry the grief...in other words...cope with the grief. I know how you and your family are shattered....just bend into the grief. Don't fight it...you don't get over it...you can only go through it. You can't jump over it...walk around it...and in going through it...just take it one day at a time. Cry..weep and wail. Hang on and wrap your arms around your family and grieve together.

ScreenShot597.jpg

ScreenShot655.jpg

ScreenShot656.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tommy mom.  What a handsome lad and a wonderful smile. I'm so glad you got that Skype time with him..i haven't figured out how to post pictures but will see if my son can help me.

Tinay  what a nice friend you have.  The flowers and your daughter both lovely.  Sounds like things are really starting to sink in. Ericas mom is right in the early months you  have this idea that it can't be real.  You have so many decisions to make about the legal aspects. I wish you luck in pursuing justice for your daughter. Please look after yourself. 

Ericas mom and colleen. That just gives me shivers hearing the stories of your children passing thru you. How comforting to feel thier presence. 

Allenb and Darcy 12 I don't understand the unfairness of it either. My daughter was only 17 and when I think all the goodness she would have done in this world and how much she had to enjoy.  And yet at 56, I sit here like a useless piece of crap.  I would do anything to trade places with her.  Oh God, how life isn't fair at all.  And yes hearts are forever broken.

Mermaid tears. You r so right that you have to go thru it. I ran from it as fast and far as I could, i also was over medicated where you still don't have to deal with It, but in the end it all catches up with you.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you Lou Ann. I sometimes don't want it to sink in that this is real. My son and I talked yesterday. I told him about crying at shows I'm watching. That I've had to step away. He says he has had to do the same. I told him I go and concentrate on other things so I don't have that gut wrenching cry while he is around. It's not just tears that flow. He woke to that cry when the cops were at my apartment telling me the news and heard it again at her funeral. I don't want to put him through anymore of those moments. The last time I cried like that I jumped in the shower to stifle it as much as I could, I knew he was coming home from work and I couldn't stop it from happening. Luckily it passed before he got home. 

I don't see or feel her around anymore. The signs I got were before we got her back from cremation. I know she is with me. I just liked the signs. I know her body was just a temple. The necklace is where I hold her dear to me everyday. Her favorite color was royal blue and favorite flower was daisies. 

I read a news article about a man who killed his 7 week old baby just recently. He lives 30 hour from my town. I started crying, cannot fathom what was going through his head. Mother isn't in the picture but I still don't get it. So sad. 

orca-image-1494132672714.jpg_1494132673152.jpeg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dianne, I am surprised that your doctor is in Illinois. How far is that for you to drive? I thank you for thinking of Erica when you spotted that pink sky, we have had some lovely pinks lately and each time, I am made to say thank you. I love that your Husband knows too, that these signs are nothing to brush off, they are real. I adore the sign you had recently: the orthodox cross. WOW! Your Sweet Son letting you know...all is going to be fine. He is with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Allen, I too am so sad for your broken heart. Yes, our parents are older, have lived a longer more normal number of years...sad enough to say goodbye to them, but to lose your Boy suddenly???there are no answers really, no way to feel like you can put one foot in front of the other with any ease...please tell us about your Son, about his life and his loves. Keep coming here as we hold your hands on this very hard path to walk...it is not easy but it is what we have been dealt and we can help you navigate. Hold on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Thank you everyone for your kind words concerning Tommy. he was a handsome lad and that cheeky grin would melt hearts. At least his grin makes me smile when I am sad. Tinay you have so much on your plate with working and the trial. I am so glad my son's death was not complicated I really could not have coped so you are doing amazingly. I had to avoid certain shows and could not watch a scene with CPR or in the mortuary or funeral scenes or people falling. I am much better now and can cope with those things, it just takes time and focusing on our grief to make some peace. Signs from our children are always welcomed they seem to be fairly infrequent but that is ok we know they are with us. please keep sharing it gives us all hope. that necklace is a beautiful connection with your daughter.

Louann is right you have to go through the raw pain of grief and not run away from it because it will catch up with you, you cannot avoid it forever. If it is not resolved grief can pop up again months or years later and create havoc in your life. You were unfortunate to personally experience that weren't you? Your job treated you very unfairly and cruelly I'm sorry.

allenb and darcy12 there is no fairness, we were just very very unfortunate to lose our children in the prime of their lives with so much ahead of them. I guess it is upto us parents to try and carry on their legacy caring for our other children/grandchildren and trying to make a difference to the world in our very small ways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tinay, be glad for the tears, (as strange as that may sound)embrace them, you are getting it out . Tommys mom is right. I lived through postponed grief and wouldn't want anyone to do what I did. I never cried, screamed, beat on anything, not one single tear even at the funeral home and cemetery.  I wouldn't look at her pictures, I wouldn't touch any of her things (I had my sisters pack up her room), I wouldn't pick out her casket, I wouldn't watch them lower her into the ground.  I tried to make a speech at her funeral but just rambled on and really didn't say much to honor her.  I didn't  hold her hand or touch her at the hospital.  I didn't pick out anything to be done at her funeral.  I went on like this for months and soon I would be going to a psychiatrist who loaded me up with 12 pills.  So then I really didn't have to feel anything or deal with my grief. I would stay like that for 5 1/2 years until I could not send a text that made any sense, I would repeat myself, I barely knew my own name some days.  This past January I decided i had enough of these pills and quit them all cold turkey.  I was very, very sick for 2 months and on Jan 21, my daughter's birthday I went to the cemetery and let out a cry that could be heard around the world. It didn't last long, but after all those years i let that gut wrenching scream out.  So after losing my daughter, my house, my job and almost all family and friends I was brought to my knees.  There were times I cried and I was always sad, but I never let it sink into my soul. Sorry to be so long winded but I just want you to understand you are grieving like you are supposed to.  On top of already feeling guilty I didn't save my daughter, I have to live with guilt and shame of how inappropriately I behaved.  I can only hope my daughter forgives me. I am so ashamed of myself and will ever have to live with this.  So go ahead and cry, you are doing what you should be.  I wouldn't want to see anyone else do what I did.  Hugs

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.