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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Amyanne, Ericas mom is right. Just post so we know you are there. Whatever you feel like saying is ok. I don't always know if I am saying the right things or Not, I just know this site is a great source of comfort and strength for me.  Please keep posting.  Whatever you have to say is important.  

Sandy  I agree is better to have just a few close people you can count on then a whole bunch who just let you down. I feel you are all the new friends in my life. Although I don't see you, i feel like your sitting right here on my couch with me sometimes.  

  

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daveydow1

Laurie,  Dianne,  Dee,  Lou Ann-----thank you for your stories.  So many people

have spoken of their experiences with angels welcoming loved ones in crossing

over to the heavenly realm.  If others don't believe our experiences are real.....

we shouldn't concern ourselves with their opinions.  We dearly hold onto these experiences

close to our hearts.

 

Tina----I'm sorry to hear that your family are not supportive of you in your time

of grief, and great need of their understanding.  Many who have come here to Beyond

Indigo (as it used to be called), have said that this was their experience also, and that

it is so hurtful.  Just keep coming here to BI where everyone understands. Also,  your

plans to go fishing and mushroom hunting with your dear son, Grayson, will be a nice

time.  Enjoy the peacefulness. 

 

Dee-----Your garden club at school, with planting the seedlings with all the kids is a

wonderful way to introduce children to the earth, and all that it does for us.  We love

dirt too..... (we're surrounded with acres of it) :D. My husband is like yours......

happiest when he can get out and start digging/planting/ pruning.......anything with the 

garden and shrubs and flower beds.  Every year he plants some amazing sunflowers....all over

the place. :)

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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daveydow1

 

Laurie-----Thanks for the pic of dear little Taylor.  Yes,....we will plant a garden

again this season.  Sometimes my husband says he's going to "cut back" on

the things he plants......then when we go to Home Depot or a garden center......

he's right there getting seeds and plants. :D

 

Tina------thank you for posting the pic of your daughter, Kiona......she's beautiful.

 

   Here's a poem I found awhile back:

 

                    A light went out on earth, for me

                    The day we said goodbye.

                     And on that day a star was born

                     The brightest in the sky.

                     Reaching through the darkness

                     With its rays of purest white

                     Lighting up the Heavens

                     As it once lit up my life

                     With beams of love to heal

                     The broken heart you left behind

                      Where always in my memory

                      Your lovely star will shine.

                                              by   Catherine  Turner 

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Tommy's mum

One of the great things about this site is being able to read posts even if you do not feel upto sharing. Sometimes it is just too hard to write down the words that are in your heart but that's ok you are still part of our community here. Some of us ( like me) have more free time to post than others and I try to answer posts if I can because it is so comforting to have someone acknowledge you and feel there is someone out there to listen. It really helps to be able to recognize some of the thoughts and feelings in someone else's post and realise there are more people out there who feel the way you do, knowing you are not alone in this. Each tragedy is unique in the way it happened or the age of the child/adult child and what actually happened but we are all bound together in grieving, we are kindred spirits who know that awful loss personally. It does feel like someone is there with you holding your hand as Louann so accurately says. I lwas really interested to hear that gardening is scientifically beneficial with the mycobacterium etc, fascinating. i know it has helped me to heal a bit just being at one with Nature. I guess since losing the faith I had held previously, I have become more spiritual in my thoughts and outlook,, part of the "new me" that I am still getting to know. I have definitely seen signs and believe our loved ones are always close by us cheering us on as we make progress. As a nurse i have been with many patients that have died and there is a palpable energy that remains around the body for a while after passing, a feeling in the air, not something that is easy to explain, and that after a half hour or so it dissapates leaving a warmness and lightness in the air that many other nurses have felt and described, a feeling of peace. As individuals we all hold our own beliefs and faiths whatever brings comfort is good for the soul. It is just that i have experienced many more deaths as part of my former job that I have seen and felt things that cannot always be described accurately, just felt inside, and i have sat and held hands with  patients before and when they pass and it has been peaceful. losing my own child though was a horror I could not have imagined because when you try to put yourself in that parents shoes it is too devastating to even think about. still here we are, kindred spirits caring about each other even though we have never met or are likely to meet, it is a wonderful thing.

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ericasmom

Sherry, beautiful poem to share. I can see your Husband and mine alongside each other at the garden center: $$$, but if that what makes the man happy, go for it.

Sandy, I love your message to those new here, and your message to your Sweet Sweet Daughter Sarah.

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hi everyone im new on this page i lost my little girl a year ago yesterday i have been really struggling with everything including my preg all i keep thinking is ive let my little girl down 

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Tommy's mum

Hi darcy12 I am sorry you lost your little girl we all know that pain and the long lasting effects. It is a big step joining us and i hope you find the support here. We all care because we have been in your shoes and it does help to talk about stuff especially when sometimes family and friends don't seem to "get it". i don't know how you feel you let her down? These terrible losses just happen, out of the blue, so suddenly, and none of us could prevent it happening. As parents we do everything we can to keep our kids safe and loved and try to fix their problems, but some things are just out of our control. You said preg when are you due?

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My girl is in heaven

Darcy12. I too live with guilt that I let my daughter down. But in almost six years I think I've come to realize that all of us would move heaven and earth to have saved our child.  Life just happens sometimes.  I have only been on this website for a month but have found so much love and support here. Please know you are not alone.we all understand and are here to help.

Tommys mum. I just want to thank you for your posts. You have such a nice way with words. Your experiences as a nurse dealing with deaths are so meaningful.  I always have hoped my daughter would be there waiting for me when my time comes and you have convinced me it is so. 

Daveydow1. I absolutely love your poem. Do you mind if I use it for the remembrance piece to put in the paper in June. Sometimes I write my own but I love this one.

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baby is due 5 aug i just feel that i should have know something was wrong wit her she might have only been 2and half but she made friends with sooo many ppl. i no it sounds stupid but im scared the same mite happen to my 9 yr old and this baby 

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i just feel she is up there all alone an scared and i have no way makin sure she is ok

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi everyone thank you all for asking about me. Sorry I've been not very well.  Finding this life just too hard.  The strain of keeping going working watching everyone moving forward whilst I am just stuck in that moment forever.  I'm broken and I don't know how to fix me  I know I should be doing better by reading your posts and I think that's why I'm so hesitant to post because I feel ashamed. I love you all for being my friends and the only ones that care. 

God Bless xxxx

Missing my James so much. Never forgotten loved forever xxx

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InHeavensKeeping

Lovely words. 

 

 

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ur not the only one who cant seem to move forward we all get stuck in time and sometimes we are scared to move on and scared we will forget but we are all here for each other xxxx 

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Tommy's mum

Louann it is so meaningful to have you as a new member reaching your hand out to others already. this is what this site does, it allows us freedom to share and by doing so helps others as well as starting a healing within ourselves. Love is what makes the world go round and a nicer place to be in.

darcy12 your little one is not scared and alone i promise, she is surrounded by family who have passed on and by others who are just taking care of her temporarily until you eventually get there. of course you are scared the same thing will happen to your children that is so normal. I found myself get extremely anxious when my other kids left the house and they are adults, and still when they come home for a weekend then leave I find my eyes fill and that I am scared that will be the last time I see them. those awful feelings last only a few minutes but my heart pounds and it is because I already have that intimate knowledge of terrible loss from before. This gets better in time and is only sparked by deep love for your children.

Inheavenskeeping I have been worried about you and missed your posts. I am so sorry you are struggling so much and I hate that you feel ashamed of yourself. You are broken we all are, but broken can be fixed, sometimes a different approach is the way to go. You have suffered great losses and your heart is heavy and your spirit diminished, yet still the spark inside you is there, maybe not glowing as brightly as before ,but waiting for the right treatment or person to nurture you slowly back to life and regain the light. still in your deep dark place you offer words to others because you care, and that is why I want you to know you will be ok and we will be here to offer the hands of friendship to you. consider yourself metaphorically hugged! Ed Sheeran is a fresh insightful singer with an incredible talent for songwriting and lyrics, I love him and had not heard that song before, thanks for sharing. 

Dianne as always you know just what to say to each and every member, and your longstanding personal bond with inheavenskeeping demonstrates we are all here for each other, for the long run not just a few weeks.Friendship is an invisible bond that connects people together and we are here for a reason.

Daveydow1 the poem you shared is lovely, thank you. Sunflowers are one of my favourite flowers I planted some last week. The way they reach upto the sky and turn their faces to the sun is inspiring.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Diane. Thank you. I know your right and your words lifted me and helped me so much. I just love how you say James has Peter in his arms and are with us. I just need to believe it all the time I have moments where I do but I think I stop myself because I still can hardly believe he's gone forever still.  

Diane my Robins gone. I don't know where I look everyday but no sign of him. Does it sound ridiculous but I feel so sad. 

My daughter had another baby girl. Rosealie Jo another 'J' after James. She's absolutely adorable she came in a hurry 19 minuets active labour so Gemma was in shock and really torn. But I was there again with them and that meant the world. 

Thank you Diane xxxx 

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InHeavensKeeping

Tommys mum thank you such kind caring thoughts and words. I know I need to be around people that understand I've been so hurt lately with comments made a friend was puzzled why I didn't want to go out with a group of colleagues she said  you've got two lovely granddaughter s now which I didn't get because so has she and all her children as well. 

Take Care xxxx

 

 

 

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i know is has her little friend with her as he passed away 12 days after her guess it is just a inner fear i have 

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My girl is in heaven

Darcy 12  I know your daughter will not be alone or scared because my 17 year old daughter was already there when your daughter came along.  She was the kindest most compassionate person I ever knew despite her young age. She would have surely befriended and comforted your daughter if she saw her scared or alone. I know that she is up there helping anyone she can just like she did on earth.  My daughter died  very unexpectedly of a cardiac arrhythmia and I too worry about my other two children and even future grand children .but be assured your little one is surrounded with love

In heavens keeping. I am fairly new and do not know your story but i see you have lost two children , so sad.  What a beautiful granddaughter. She must bring you a lot of joy.  I too have been so broken especially the last four months but am so glad I came across this website.  I also had an incident with colleagues last Christmas where I decided i didn't want to go to a happy cheery party a few days before Christmas. The girl haveing it got so mad I was texting her for months and she wouldn't talk to me.  Why can't people understand that a bereaved parent might not want to party?  I hope you keep coming back. I had a slide back too but this group is starting to pull me out.  Take care.

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lou ann my little girl was the same she loved everyone young or old 

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

 I'm really sorry to hear of all the newbies.  Hang in there!  There are wonderful people here that really understand you.  

As for myself, losing my twins 32 yrs ago was a different kind of pain than Losing my Ricky 4/15/16. Then losing my mom in Ricky's room on 1/15/17 really took it's toll on me.  I've been in hospital for my heart recently and now they believe i may have kidney cancer.  My car is broke down and hubby is at work for 2 weeks. I have unfortunately found out who is there for me.  NOBODY!!!! My mind is running 90 to nothing and I'm stuck here at home with nobody but me and animals.  I feel so alone and ready to say eff Dr's and let nature take its course.  

Peace to you all! 

I can't really bless all due to the way I feel with God at the moment! Is there even one?

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

I do believe...our child/children are in a beautiful place...and in some way....are connected....

  In December of 2012...John David died in August 2012......I was awake...insomnia....and was looking up something else on the internet....and was 'guided' to this site.....I thought it was a coincidence...but now....when I have 'met' certain parents and the dates are so matched up....I do feel for sure...that a 'guide' led me here...I decided not to go to a grief counselor...the reason is there was not a grief counselor who knew John David....I did not want medication..I knew friends that had become Zombies Walking...and I knew I had 'to be there' for my husband and 5 other adult children and the many GRANDchildren...

  But this group....has helped me in ways that words cannot describe....there were parents on this site that have been here for years...I call them 'Spirit Guides'..they have been on the grief journey and they are farther up the path....but they turn to us and wave to us....to help guide us in this dark and heavy grief...and they let us know 'we can survive'......I was so grateful to learn I wasn't going crazy....I was just in deep mourning.

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My girl is in heaven

Wendy. Incomprehensible that you have suffered so many losses.  Please let the Drs help you.  You need to look after your health.  You know your passed on loved ones and the ones still here want that for you. I find it hard to have faith sometimes too.  Why would God let us suffer so much  and I just don't understand these people who get the perfect lives with never a bump in the road.  I know lots like that.  Please don't feel like you have nobody.  Everyone here cares.  And I am nobody at all, just a grieving parent somewhere along the grief journey but I will do anything I can to support you. I know what it feels like to be alone.  If you want to connect via email mine is ltaylor50@rogers.com.  Take care

Mermaid tears. I actually think I was on this website a few times in 2013 but found it so difficult to navigate I left it.  But I too don't know how I wandered on here about a month ago, I have no idea how I found it.  I was one of those walking zombies for years with a Dr who just kept giving me more pills.  It only delayed my grieving. I think too maybe our children are connected.  Maybe they watch all of us trying to help each other. 

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

FB_IMG_1494187554151.jpg.f53bcf39d5fd23516d86b9efc159a602.jpg

Love to all who are standing with me, this immensely strong group of parents that have faced the unimaginable and survived.

 

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ericasmom

Beautiful message Becky dear. How are you feeling these days? Vision?

Darcy, I am so sad for your loss, please keep on coming here to let us know about your Girl and about your life.

WEndy, I am so saddened to hear of your health issues and the blues that are so huge right now. I wish you the best of care...and I do hope too, that you will follow the doctor's advice and heal. I do believe in some divine being, but I have never believed that it was that being that took our children nor hand us our sadnesses...these are pieces of life and we cannot control them. All we get to control is this moment and in it, I wish you only good health and some people in your life that are good for you.

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ericasmom

Georgina!!! A new beautiful Roasalie Jo. What a gorgeous girl and so lovely to add to your sweet family. Yes, life is so tough at times and yet the beauty happens right next door to the sad...our hearts hold it all like a nest. Speaking of nests, this is definitely robin nesting time, I love what Dianne said to you about that, that it is time for the robins to guide their little ones, a message to us all. Both male an female take the same care of the nest, they take equal turns sitting on eggs and take turns feeding the young ones when they are here...they work tirelessly until the hatchlings are on their own, but that is not for a while. So probably, your robin is taking care of his family.

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i have found  being on here does help loads. have found not sleeping well at all. passed few weeks i have found soo hard. for the first few months i numb and just got on with everything as if i had missed placed her now im just lost

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Jeff's Mom

Grief never ends...

but it changes.

It's a passage,not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness,

nor lack of faith...

It is the price of love.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Darcy, I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful little daughter, Kayla. 

Wendy, sending you gentle hugs. I am so sorry for all the extra you have endured beyond the initial grief. 

 

crying is okay.jpg

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ericasmom

The other day I was looking for a figure to inspire my students, a person whose own life has been filled with adversity and loss and yet perserveres in ways unlike most...Chuck Close is just that person. I cried when I watched his short video of NOTE TO YOUNGER SELF. Chuck Close is a phenomenal artist, but had to really follow his heart against all odds. We can do this thing called grief, we have only the choice of hiding our selves from the world, or showing our true selves to the world. I think that when you choose that second choice, you help teach a myriad of folks what grief is. And as Chuck and so many of us can tell you...we find our way through the toughest times and find light again. We will always miss our Children, we will always mourn their leaving too soon, but we shine their light when we can.

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=chuck+close+writes+note+to+younger+self&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

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Good Morning Indigos  It has been 10 yers since i lost my most precious gift, Stephen.  Without your spport and care I would not have survived.

 Someone reminded me that the Mom who Had to" give one back" sufers the most and i agree.

Thanks Dee Sherry,Trudi, Lyn and all Inidgos for sharing your love and concerns.   

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hey everyone just been to see my councillor and im not looking forward to next week with her she wants me to walk though everything that happened on that bad day its killing me just thinking about it 

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Mermaid Tears

Darcy12...and other new parents.....when one loses a child....the shock suit is going to fit very, very tight the first 2 years...also....one will have very foggy thinking...and an imbalance...and insomnia...and there is physical pain. One will feel as if their emotions were on a roller coaster...and high anxiety will come and go. I am glad that you are going to a counselor....for it helps so much to be able to talk/confide with a human...(not just on this screen)..and hear a human voice. YOU are the star of your movie...your book....your grief is your unique story...and your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. There is no rush to a finish line...for there will never be a finish line...there is no time table...there are no 'right or wrong' ways to grieve....the only wrong way would be if you did harm to yourself or another. I do not know your counselor....but if you feel that telling /relating that bad day is already giving you high anxiety....then I think you should let her know that you just are not 'ready' for that. I do believe that there will be 'that' day when you feel emotionally stronger...and can do that. Later...I will relate a story of mine about 'being emotionally ready/strong' .....

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i know ita been a year a shouldn't bother me as much now but still feels like the first day i lost her 

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ericasmom

A year Darcy is a long long time without someone you love...one day is too long, so 365 days is crazy...and for us to feel at all able to move forward, we have to protect our very shattered parts. I know that the thought of retelling is scary, painful, and oh my heavens, feels like you are back there, but weirdly, you are back there all the time anyway. Sometimes, the motive for the therapist is to have your telling so that she can first of all hear your take, but also to understand the sequence and address the emotions and issues that surround your feelings. I agree with Susan, if you are not ready to do this, just tell her so. She is not your boss, simply your helper and she will need you to let her know when something feels too threatening. I might suggest, if you are able...to draw a timeline of the event and the subsequent months. Sometimes a timeline helps you see the amazing amount of evetns that have gone on in your life and how many things you have had to face and deal with. Sometimes, you are better able to see why you are in this pahse of things. Grief is not linear, a year is still the starting point, please give yourself the grace of time to begin to find your way. With a new child and young ones at home, you have a very full plate, and balancing it all must feel so exhausting. I am holding your hands.

BETTY! Oh my goodness, so good to see you but i am startled that this is the10 year mark of time that Stephen with that million dollar smile, left this Earth home. I see his smile and miss your presence even more. How are you getting on? Sister? Are you still attending Symphony? Is your little squirrel friend around? I miss you Betty. STEPHEN, blessings from here to your sweet self. Give all of our Angels a hug and a smile.
 

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she wants to get through it as soon as possible coz baby will be here in aug. i still havent told my daughter they think its a girl she cant even look at pics of her and her sister witch i can understand she is only 9 after all. im just given her time as i dont think she has ever grieved 

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Mermaid Tears

Betty.....good to hear from you....you helped me so much in 2012 when I was the 'new parent' on this site....we know you are still holding your sweet boy with all your love...and in your heart and spirit. Some may say....10 years is a long time....but to us....there seems to be no space or time. I still have the distinct feeling of living in two worlds....I have grown accustomed to having one foot in 'that was then'  and another foot in 'this is now'...Stay in Peace...Stay in Grace.

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Tommy's mum

Darcy12 you are in a bit of a predicament there with the therapist and i guess you just need to set aside some time and use your inner gut to decide what is best for yourself. I understand the therapist wanting to make some headway before your baby is born because you will then be sleep deprived and hormonal and trying to adjust to a new baby and its pretty constant needs, besides helping your daughter be a big sister again. That is a bit of a minefield in itself. Perhaps she is concerned you will not be able to make appointments easily with a new addition and possibly be a little concerned you may struggle a bit with a new baby because of fear of a repetition of what happened to your other daughter, although that is a very rare occurence. I also agree with Susan and dee that you are the person in charge and understand that you are unsure if you feel ready. I am not sure there is ever a time you feel you are truly ready, but certainly there is a more optimal time when you know it is going to be very upsetting, but you recognise it is right to begin to deal with what happened, and have the ability to involve yourself. Go with your gut instincts, and talk with your husband and family and friends as they may be able to gauge more accurately where you are emotionally, and advise you. You have such a lot on your plate bless you, I imagine it must be a rollercoaster of emotions for you with a new baby coming and still grieving for your other little girl, and caring for the emotional needs of your nine year old and husband. It must feel very overwhelming. I will be sending best wishes your way and keep you in my thoughts.

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I feel so terrible for not crying or showing emotion everyone expects me to and are just waiting for it to happen I have even been critisised for laughing or smiling and it just makes it worse 

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daveydow1

Hello  everyone....

Darcy12-------I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet little girl.  She is definitely

a little angel in heaven. ( my baby, Lisa, died at 6 mo. of age years ago). I like to

think of her up there in heaven with your baby girl, and all the other sweet babies

who passed from this earth.)   I'm glad that your have found this site.........we can come here

anytime, and post, or just read, if we don't feel like we have the words.  Please come

back....you are welcome here.

 

LouAnn-----You can use the poem.....I didn't write it, but noted the author's name,

so I think it is ok to use.:)

 

Sandy----So glad to see your post.

 

Dianne and Tommysmum------Your posts are so kind and insightful...  not only

new parents here, but to all of us.   Thanks

 

Georgina-----I'm sorry that you have been unwell.  Yes, we all get 'stuck' sometimes, on

this road of grief that no one ever wants to be on;  and one never needs to feel ashamed

when not able to find words to post.  It's part of this journey, and probably unavoidable.  Our children

who left this world too soon were our world, and still are, so it's understandable that we

cannot, at times, think of being without them. Such a harsh reality, I know.  Thank you for

posting the pic of your beautiful little granddaughter . She's  darling.  I know that you have

said that some other people are insensitive with their remarks, and it's so hurtful.  I think

everyone here has had that experience from time to time on this road.  I guess they are

trying, in most cases, to be positive......but it often comes across as a criticism, and can

cut deep.  I hope that robin will be found.      Peace to you, friend.

 

Dee------Yes------must  keep the men happy with their gardening hobby. And, you are right....

one can shell out  a lot of $$$ at garden centers.   :rolleyes:   But, it keeps them happy, and  the yards looking so nice.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Sherry thank you for your caring words. I do still think I'm struggling with the reality side of this. Just sit at the grave and Carnot imagine never seeing him again  just unbearable.  I am missing the Robin it gave me hope but I'd like to think of him taking care of his family. Xxxx

Dee thank you for your words for taking the time to help me.  Xxxx

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My girl is in heaven

Ericas mom.  The next time you need a hero to show your students you needent look any further than the mirror.  With all the tragedy you have endured in your life you are a shining  example to all that you can overcome adversity and still come out the other side to be a beacon of hope to others.  

Caz48 the tears and emotion will come. Your heart hasn't caught up to what your head knows.  It took me a long time for it to sink in what haopened.  And no one should criticize a grieving parent for what they do or don't do.

Mermaid tears. You r right that there seems to be no space or time.  Sometimes it feels like it happened a life time ago and some days like it was yesterday. I can still hear that thud, the one I didn't respond to that could have saved my daughters life. 

Darcy 12 the other moms have given you a lot of good advice.  I wish I had even have thier knowledge.  You are dealing with so much.  Good luck with your therapy whatever you decide.  

 

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ericasmom

Lou Ann, thank you, that is such a nice thing to say. My students know that my Girl died in an accident, though I never have told any of them that it was a train that slammed her car at a broken crossing. One child however knew that last year...his Momma knew and she took him to Kalamazoo Michigan to see his cousin play in a football game at Western University there, and she took her Son, my student, to the tracks and left pink flowers for Erica there. How sweet. But anyhow, thanks. I love showing the kids inspirational people that have found their way to integrating their hurt like many of us have done or on the way of doing...and live a good and purpose filled life. Lou Ann, as you still fight that blame and guilt, know that your Girl was probably gone before she fell to the ground. She felt no pain, and you could not have saved her. I do believe that fully and completely after meeting a few other Mom's whose children also died like your sweet Girl. I want you to think of the words you would say to someone who also felt guilty for the loss of their child...what might you say to that Mom/Dad? Now listen to those words. Apply them to your broken heart.

Caz-not crying has everything to do with shock and the way our bodies and brains protect us, during a huge trauma. The tears will come when they come, and some days they won't stop, but likely, you will have a huge range of emotions. Tell us about your Child when you are ready. We are here.

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Tears in heaven and Lou Ann. Thank you so much for your words. I wanted to post your last picture on my Facebook page tears in heaven but again, I thought of family and how they will take it. I don't know why.  I'll save to my phone and post it later. 

I have a brother that lives a few states away. We hadn't talked in over 12 years. He flew down for her funeral. Left that day and haven't heard from him since. I'm used to that. I keep picturing kiona at Christmas time. I didn't get to see her much but as I look at pictures and remember the gathering, looks like we are outcasts. I was talking to a long time friend of mine and made the comment that my family is selfish. She asked weren't they always? I realized that ,yes, yes they are and always have been. I do feel an odd weight lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it is now I can concentrate on my son and me. 

I get protective too. Maybe it's not right but I feel she is mine, my son and her dad's angel. That feeling may change. I don't know. When I was filling out thank you cards, I remember putting that I know she is keeping her baby blues on all of us and is dancing in the sky. Maybe it's just this moment in my grief that I feel she's ours. 

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and compassion

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I came in the room tonight/morning to write a post and saw my previous post didn't post. Ha. Not sure why. 

I hate Monday nights/Tuesday morning.

I received all the reports from the states attorney. I have questions why the coroner put what he put because the way he worded it seems like it should have been homicide/manslaughter. I have a phone  consult with a law firm Thursday to see about pursuing wrongful death suit.  If they will, I definitely want to know why the one boy started cpr (barely) then stopped then started again. That's the short version. Things seem weird too in their description of events but again they were drinking. I have hope that they will just for the fact of her being places on her face. Anyways enough of that. I feel I dwell on that too much. The unknown of if and how long she suffered. 

I have a lot of questions about what happens after she passed and what the bible says, but I need to talk to my pastor about it. 

I'm going to try and sleep. Night everyone

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caz48 i was just the same as you for the first 4 months i showed no emotion to what had happened i use to have people come up to me and ask y am i happy she has gone because i was always jokin with people. my only reason for acting like that was because nothing seemed real unfortunately you will get the day when it just hits you and it will hit hard 

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JD's Mom, Becky

http://sta.cr/2MiQ1 

Beautiful, soothing song, but my heart still aches everyday.

Dee, my vision is about the same, scheduled to return for another injection on the 28th. I had to cancel my appointment last week as I had an attack of IBS on my way to the appointment, and Jasmine had to turn around and bring me back home. I think I was so stressed because of the previous injection, it's a vicious circle. My next dental appointment is on the 22nd, to pull the last of my remaining teeth on top and they will give me the denture to replace all my top teeth. All if that because of a combination of stress and osteoporosis which was causing my teeth to break right at the gumline. There were no cavities, etc involved at all.

I know my rapid decline in health was a direct result of complicated grief, suffering the loss of my youngest child at only 15, and trying  to fight for justice at the same time. It was an uphill and nearly impossible fight, as police had dug down,  in not charging the driver because of lack of laws to support a charge. She had both alcohol and prescription drugs onboard, but without the open container law, they felt their hands were tied. We have also been working with our representatives to try to change that, but so far they don't seem to have enough reps or senators willing to back a bill to create the law.

When the statute of limitations ran out for bringing any kind of criminal charge,(two years) my body just began to fall apart. I was full tilt for all of that time trying to find witnesses or facts about the driver, etc, and teetered between the ups and downs of that; we found so much incriminating evidence of her drug use and loose lifestyle, which proved useful as leverage in the civil wrongful death suit, but couldn't be used criminally. I also located a witness by studying the highly redacted police report, which was like 30 pages long, when I noticed they forgot to redact one name, and I was able to locate that witness, however even though we and our civil attorney convinced the police to question this witness, for whatever reason, they did not believe her testimony. This witness told them that when she and her boyfriend turned  onto our road that it was light enough for them to see the driver's car in the middle of the road and the driver out running around her vehicle. She also told police that the driver stated that she'd just hit a kid. The police either chose not to believe her or I don't know what. They never really told us why they didn't consider this as proof that the driver should have seen and avoided hitting and killing my child. Months later, after no charges were filed, I followed up with this witness to ask what happened in her interview and she told me they acted like they didn't believe her, not even when she told them that she had given the same facts the night of the crash! She told them which officer had interviewed her, but for whatever reason, none if her testimony ever made it to any report!

There was a second witness, who lived very near where the crash took place, and she tearfully told us that she witnessed the driver cross the centerline of our rural narrow road and hit something in the other lane, then saw the driver when she got the car stopped, as she ran around in the road around her vehicle like she was crazy, and she stated that her impression was that she was high on something. She told the police none of that. Only said she had seen the woman around her vehicle and saw ems arrive. I don't know how she lives with herself. I feel like the police could have gotten the truth from both the driver and the witnesses, but were not motivated to do so.

At any rate, it's a cautionary tale as the result is the decline of my health, while the driver has continued with her life as if nothing happened. 

Susan, I always smile when you refer to me as "warrior mom" because  you recognize the fight we put up as well as the physical and emotional price paid for that undertaking! I wish we had achieved justice for my boy, but at least we know the truth. 

IMG_20170509_115405.thumb.jpg.fa031ef84c59151242800516ca60d38c.jpg

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Tommy's mum

Each of our journeys is so individual. We are fortunate there are many of us who share our stories in the hope that they reach out to newbies and give them hope for an eventual future, but also highlights the struggles some of the parents who lost their child years ago still face. I wish justice came to all who lost their children by the hand of someone else but I see that is not always the case. However the struggle to try and get justice is never wrong, it still highlights the faults in the laws and also stays in the minds of the lawyers who have fought for it along with the families. I used to believe in karma but do not anymore too many bad people seem to get away with things but I guess it is not for us to decide. I do believe that in time things get better and that we become advocates in other ways and help others. We find a voice that perhaps was silent before and a desire to find a way to change things for the better because although we are all wounded we have compassion and inner strength. love conquers all.388f87da0b2e2e3da7c0ec2d596a7ccc.jpg.d6e04fc91b26bb5b8a36ebb56b5710b6.jpg57968e804dddfaa5187baa9610261821.jpg.2af6612be0f6475803c52556bb9ec5e7.jpg

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