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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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tobyfreefoot

Susan I didn't see any drug industry things. I saw a plea from a woman whose child died with a picture of the heartache she endured. I even considered copying what was written underneath and posting it on FB. You're cool with me (I think we are at opposite ends of the political scale that is why I don't bring my politics here lol) I realize some people may be very sensitive to this but two kids the next farm down died from some powder from china. The 20 year old that brought it to the party lost his 2 best friends and is now in prison for manslaughter. Your post was a word to the wise it takes one tiny bit of some unknown substance. Many people think an overdose is an over dose but that isn't always the case kids need to be forewarned.

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ericasmom

Susan, perhaps this image was too much for others whose children died in this manner...don't know, but I appreciate the honesty of the Mom who posted it and for you to post it too, our children are leaving at a very quick rate due to drugs. Back in the 1970's, when I was a teen experimenting, at first it was fun and stupidity, then drugs took many of my friends, another portion of them contracted hep from sharing needles...so I saw the really ugly side of drugs. I was lucky to back out of that world in time.

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Jeff's Mom

Susan, thank you for sharing that with us. It was shown on our National news the other night. The truth hurts doesn't it? We are forced to face the very sad reality of seeing with our own eyes what we often try to block out. This mother was brave in sharing such a personal  and painful moment in her attempt to shake people up to the reality of the dangers of drugs. Poor kid. Listen, my opinion is that they need to hunt down these dealers and throw them into prison and throw the key away. Life without parol.  I know it is hard to see this picture... but if it stops one kid from a bad ending then it is worth it. Thanks again, for sharing.

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Same here, Dee. I'm pretty lucky to have survived.

I think the epidemic now is so wide-spread that it's hitting all areas so hard. So many easy to obtain opiates that lead to really strong addiction and have such a high incidence of abuse. I cry for all the parents that have to go through that and my son was heading that way if he didn't know it at the time. I lost a lot of friends in the 80's as well, and I only stopped myself when a very close friend died.  Now it's different, it's everywhere and so prevelant and the drugs are more addictive than ever. I have already talked to my younger son about drugs and can only hope for the best.

My heart is crushed for each of you who have to go through it. My county has an initiative called 'A Way Out' where anyone can walk into almost any police department and ask for a way out and they will be free from prosecution and they find treatment for them.  It's that bad here and I'm in a more affluent suburb of the city. I've been getting more and more involved in it, solely because I don't want any other parent to go through what I am going through. It's a different kind of loss, but equally profound and devastating.

Many hugs to all of you, I don't think any harm was meant at all by the posts. Knowing Susan's past posts, I am sure it was only out of compassion.

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Tommy's mum

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Dee your poems are great.

Silky I understand you may have found the FB post painful but everyone has the ability to scroll down if you don't agree with a post. I have done it myself choosing to not respond because it goes against what i think or believe but also because I respect other people's views and know we are all vulnerable and hurting and so dont want to cause offence or pain. Not every post or quote is for ourselves it may ring true for another parent who has been in that situation. I believe we are all agreed on the damage drugs cause to the family and friends not only the person who takes them to deal with the pain in their own life. We are all in the different stages of grief too, some have become more accepting and reflective and open to forgiveness some are still very raw and angry with everything and almost everyone, some are just numb and closed in and not reactive either way. All of those stages are normal we each have to find our own way. Your reactions are totally true I would have been furious at my child dying that way and knowing that someone else was responsible. i hope there is some resolution with the police investigation for you all.

Rainie I get that you felt uncomfortable too, maybe we should stick to just posting thoughts and quotes in future? just a suggestion.

Mermaidtears your heart was in the right place I get totally what you were trying to say. please don't feel attacked, you posted what you felt was right, but everyone has different opinions, this is a discussion site. some people will react more strongly because it touches them in a very personal way and we have all reacted in a knee jerk response when a bit fired up haven't we?

We are all agreed that drugs destroy lives and if we can be part of the solution by writing in our local papers or emailing the legislators then that will be good. i too am glad that my kids are all older now although i did educate them from a young age. my tommy also did drugs for a few years it started off innocently, peer pressure etc and bucking authority, but it took him over and he was addicted for a while, so i know firsthand how devaststing it for everyone and how it can spiral out of control very quickly. Then there are the kids who are not addicts who innocently take something believing it to be something else and react badly or die,also tragic.

Devianz I think that county programme sounds excellent i wish more counties offerred it to help addicts befor it is too late. i also agree that no harm was meant by sharing the post it was definitely out of compassion.

Jeff'smom they def need to hunt down the dealers and throw away the key, they are selfish evil people who are only in it for personal gain and dont care who or how many are hurt in the process.

I appreciate everyone who posts here on this site. Their honesty and desire to help others is clear, that is why we are here to share and care. As in every part of life there will be differences in opinions i guess we just need to communicate effectively to ensure we can all move on positively

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Hello

Somewhere I heard that May 1 is Bereaved Parents day.  In honor of this, we light a candle for all those that left too soon and for us left behind.

Sounds good to me

Hello all.  Is anyone else's mood affected by lack of sunlight?  Wow, we have had more rain this Spring than I remember in years past.  Hope the sun is shining by you.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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ericasmom

Colleen, Super cloudy and dreary here for three days, and our yard was deeply under water, but there were hints of blue sky and I was able to get out for a few walks, my students had outdoor recess so it is getting better..slowly.

Kate I agree that drug dealers need to go away for a long long time. Sadly, there are so many and yes, the heroin, the opiates, are so much more addictive than in the past. I can't remember which parent who asked, " would you post a photo of a car crash?" My answer is yes, if it will help the next person realize not to text and drive, drink and drive, to wear a seat belt...our local high school will sooon place a crashed car on the lawn of the school with a sign about driving distracted...they do it just before prom to really get the idea across. Yes, if one child like my own could be saved I would post a photo of the car she was in when it got rammed by a train...
 

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daveydow1

Hello   to   all  INDIGOS.

Tinay-------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, so very recently.

No words can offer much comfort in this early time for you......the pain and

sorrow and shock,  are just too great. I hope that you can return to this site.

Everyone here shares the one common denominator of losing a dear child/children.

Please come back, you are welcome here.

 

Rainie-----You have said the same thing that I had said nearly 14 yrs. ago when I

first found my way to this site.......You are right...that this site is a place where you

can come and express all the roller coaster emotions that befall us after losing a

child.   I guess that other people ....(those who haven't lost a child)  have no way

of comprehending the sorrow, anger,  pain, and despair that we must deal with

after our children left this world too soon.  Peace to you.

 

Dee, Wade, and Becky-----thanks for posting  the poems.

 

Lesley-----Also, thank you for your post....well-worded, and has so much wisdom.

 

Dee------Fields will be planted next week....if they dry out enough.  so much rain,

and violent storms lately.  I feel so badly for the people in Texas and Oklahoma

with all the twisters there.

 

Susan-----Praying that the tornadoes did not hit your area.

 

PEACE      AND    TRANQUILITY    TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

 

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Jeff's Mom

I know that in Driver's Ed the kids are shown a video of  the aftermath of a car crash. A wake up call for kids to realize that this is serious and bad things happen if they become reckless. 

Dee...your poem hit a nerve. I saw much of myself at the beginning. We walked into the site over the weekend and you won't believe it! For the second time someone has stolen the infamous pail that we water the flowers with. We keep it hidden behind trees down the path in the woods. Guess we will have to find another spot to hide it. Honestly. it defies the mind how someone can sink that low. What is the point? They have taken driftwood, designer rocks, etc. I mean it is a ten minute walk into the spot overlooking the lake. I had a dream about both of my boys last night. Gosh, how I miss them. 

Colleen, the weather here has been up and down for a full year. We had a wonderful weekend and it was quite warm and sunny. The long range is for a hot and dry summer.

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Kate

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

...

 

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Mermaid tears , I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend or attack you at all. I just wrote down what I think about the drug industry. I know you meant no harm.

.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

When I first came on to this site almost 5 years ago I was met with open hearts and warm kindred spirits. At that time, oldies were Dee, Sherry, Mike's Mom,, Trudi Colleen and a bit newer,  Kate , Becky, and Gretchen were here. Through their kind actions and listening hearts it made what was most unbearable a lighter load. We celebrated our children's lives together and helped each along the past 5 years. This meant that we who also stayed on, wrote to many broken hearts, as one will notice the number of posts under our names.

I treasure those who have walked with me this coming up on the 5 year mark. You all made a difference in my life. Immensely. That too is why I stay on. We had had those come on afterwards we tried to lend a hand to as well. Shannon, Wade, Georgina, Steve's Mom MaryAnn, Michaels Mom, and so many others. Their children, all precious.

It is to honor our children and their lives which is why this thread has stayed strong for so many years. Dee's daughter, Erica, and Sherry son, Davey transitioned the same year as my older sister, Julie (killed and left for dead, 3 cars ran her over, only one was found -- the rest fled the scene.).. Julie was in May  and Erica in July with Davey in June.  

Susan, has posted so much to new parents with an open kind spirit. I felt I had to say that. She also made some items to send out to my daughter, who was in a dark deep depression at the time from losing her brother -- which I still have Susan's treasured gifts in my home. Another was sent to my mom, also who lost 2 of her children. 

Here is a pic similar to some Susan posted in our earlier days.

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I just got off the phone with my sister. She said she is here for me, whatever she can do to help me move on when I'm ready. I just wanted to scream "I'll never move on". I held my tongue and asked if she googled how to help someone with the loss of a child. She said no. I said, I'll never move on, I will learn to deal and live with the pain. 

I got resistance when I talked about a wrongful death suit. In tired if trying to explain to most family members why I feel the need to pursue this. I'm not trying to be vengeful. I see it as a stepping stone for mandated education in our state. My daughter was a unique case. Postural Asphixiation with alcohol involved. Only one in my state that was positioned that way, which led to suffocation. Every other case the person ended up putting themselves that way. My daughter didn't. Then when she was moaning, states attorney said sounded like she was asking for help, a boy instead took pictures and snap chat videos. I guess I needed my sister in my corner but not going to happen. I realize everyone has their own way to grieve but she was my daughter. I'm starting to get angry.  If they can't be on my side then don't bother talking about it. I know they are trying to help. They are not. 

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Mermaid Tears
I so identified with that brave, valiant hero Mommie....there she was in the ruins of grief....but wanting to reach out with a warning...and a caution...for other parents. When we are hit...with this kind of grief...and we are shattered...the shock suit fits so tight..and our minds are foggy...it is hard to see beyond. You and I know how very physical this grief can hit you...it does feel as if your heart is breaking...and this brave Mommie still had enough brain cells to issue a warning. We do not want another family...to go through what we are thrust in.
 
 
I am on my 5th year of my grief journey....and I still need other parents who walk their own grief journey to help me...give me insight in how they survive....or they feeling a lift of that dark blanket of mourning ? I get much consolation in the fact that you..they know what I am going through...without me explaining...on holidays...marker days...interaction with family and friends. In truth...I can find my balance in just knowing another Mommie is out there and has the same way of thinking and feeling. My mind still goes back and forth and back and forth....in 'that was then....this is now'....sometimes that can be very exhausting. I cannot control that. I have one foot in yesterday and another foot in today. Maybe one day I will be able to reconcile that balance...or lack of.  You give me great insight...and so many others....in ways to cope.
 
I also identified with that Mommie...crawling in bed with her child....I so wish I had been with John David...and I could have held him....I was there when he took his first breath...and I wanted to be there when he had his last on this earth home. I hope her posting was shared many times....for I think the right person was there at the right time to read it...and save them a life time of grief.
 
Silky....I think the information you gave us on this site was very cautionary information...regarding methadone..and one day....when you feel you have more balance you may share what happened to your child...and it will help another parent. We are here to help each other....and support each other when we are having a meltdown...a bad day...a bad week. We are also here to let each other know when we are having a good day....a bright spot opens up....we receive a sign.
 
I like to hear of your family....your flowers....your job...after all....we all live and walk on this earth home...and by sharing our experiences and good or bad situations...we become more real....and our child/children becomes more than just a name. Sometimes I feel as if I 'knew' your child...

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Tommy's mum

good quote dianne. i often google quotes about anger or grief or pain and just reading them makes me feel better and more understood, I am still adjusting to my new normal and getting to know myself again after literally losing my mind with grieving.

My sister has just finished her 4 day trek up Machu Piccu in honour of my Tommy and is raising money for our local charity which supports the homeless addicted and mentally ill. I am so proud of her acheivement and a very worthy charity is going to benefit. I am trying to find life after death and positivity after negativity its what he would have wanted.

Laurie that picture is worth a thousand words, and I love that you demonstrated to the newbies that we are here for the long haul not just a couple months, supporting each other.

Silky it is ok if that post upset you and to voice that, because we then can be more aware of sensitive subjects ok? Anger is a powerful partner in the journey.

Kate it is appalling that humans can steal from sacred very personal places it saddens my heart that they can stoop so low.

Sherry thank you for your kind words I have a strong desire to help others on their journey and find it also helps me to heal.

Tinay it is impossible for others to see our point of view even if they are family because they just dont understand. Your anger is totally justified and I applaud your efforts in trying to change the laws. if no one tries it will never happen right? Family often try and stop us from taking action because they think it will upset us more especially if plans dont go our way. What they do not understand is that we are trying to stop this happening to anyone else's child because we first hand understand the devastation of losing a child. i encourage your fight because ultimately whether you are successful or not you did your absolute best and fought for justice for your child and for others. It is not revenge it is highlighting a huge flaw in society and holding people accountable for their actions or non actions where life could have been saved. You are not ready to move on because you have a battle to fight. Moving on comes much later down the line. Part of healing comes from knowing you did everything you could for your child even after death.

Colleen hi. For me many days are bereavement days but then conversely some are not.I find candles very spiritual too. Light is very important especially to those in our position. Light signifies an end to yet another sleepless night, a new day a fresh start, and is also proven to freshen the spirits. I have been using a blue light to help me with SAD which has been good. We get a lot of rain in the UK!

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ericasmom

Thank you Laurie and thank you Susan, your words touch that place in our still-beating hearts, reminding everyone on this journey, that we have work to do...that we are still here because we have work to do.

Tinay, I am sorry that your sister cannot fully embrace your pain, your family however cannot fully understand and you would not want them to, for fully understanding would mean that they too, lost a child. You can tell them that you need them to listen and to be there for you, but that as far as advice, to please not give it unless it is asked for, for you have to follow your own path now...one that seeks justice or answers for your Girl. May you find the answers you seek.

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ericasmom

Kate, the first three years after Erica died, just about everything I placed at ERi's gravesite, disappeared or were shredded by the stupid giant mower...so I put nothing there anymore unless it is flowers in my little metal holder. So sad that things get taken from our precious sites, and that yours gets taken from the forest itself...amazingly sad.

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Mermaid Tears

Tinay...many parents on this site has had to grit their teeth and fight for justice for their child...and they had to go it alone. We are here to hear you and will support you in any way we can with our words of encouragement and understanding of the 'why' you are doing this. Trust your 'Mama Intuition'....I find as time goes on it is a great guide.

Kate...am sorry you have to face this kind of human blight...we will never get an answer to the 'why'....we all know your strong spirit and this will not keep you for doing the right thing in how you honor your boy.

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Jeff's Mom

Susan, I am pushing my sleeves up and going to work organizing a new layout for Jeff's garden. There is to be a small family gathering of sorts this summer and I hope that some of the family will be able to head into the bench and have a quiet visit. Heck, whomever did that has met their match! :angry: I hope that Jeff stirs them up a bit  if they get the notion to try it again. As it is located in such an out of the way place it is the only way that we can water the garden. 

Has anyone heard from Georgina? Hope she is OK.

Thinking of everyone and thanks to all for poems and pictures. Love, Kate

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daveydow1

Hello   to   all  INDIGOS.

Lesley------Your sister's trek up to Machu Pichu  is such a wonderful way to honor

your dear son, Tommy.  After she finally got to the top,....she was so close to Tommy...

going up, being at the top, and coming back down.  He must have had a big smile .

 

Susan----Thank you for the screen shots. I like the one about spring, and I think we all

could relate to the line "caught between forgetting and remembering".  

 

Dianne----Thank for your kind words, and for the screen shot.....so true.

 

Laurie------I'm sorry that your dear sister left this world too soon in 2003, in a tragic accident.

A lady I know recently lost a son.  This is the 4th child she has lost over the years.....two

babies,  and two adult sons.  She is elderly, and has serious health issues.  She says that

her faith has been her rock all these years.

 

Tina------I wish you success in getting justice for your dear daughter.  Others may not

understand why bereaved parents only want justice for their children, but it's as Dee says.....

they cannot understand unless they have lost a child too.

 

Kate-----Sorry that someone steals your little watering bucket. That is so upsetting when

jerks steal from the graves that we so lovingly decorate.  Parents put so much thought,

planning, time,  and emotional strength into this endeavor,  only to have jerks just come

along and steal from the graves.   It takes a real lowdown creep to do such a thing.  I hope that

the thievery stops.

 

PEACE    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Dee, Sherry for your words, and Tommy's mom as well. 

My daughter has an "adopted" grandmother in our area who she is very close to. Recently, this woman found herself at death's door. A surgery that went way wrong.

My daughter was able to talk with her tonight as this woman had what is known as a "near death" experience. We are just writing down this woman's words and she is still processing it as well. She said that there were two points close to death that she arrived at, the first she was met by two loving guides, she does not know who they were. The second time she almost bled out, she could see an angel in her room, praying, so could the nurse.

I plan on talking more with her to find out any other tidbits. As some may know, Jesse and I shared some very Other side experiences before he passed. Also, for awhile, there was a string of deaths in my family that were preceded from visits from loved ones that were transitioned on. So, I know, no matter what, that love carries on. 

 

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ericasmom

Laurie, what a great inspiration that the woman 'grandmom' was able to relate her experience with you and your Girl. I have long believed and have seen too, evidence of angels in the leavings of our family members. Little Man Taylor and his Bro, Jesse. So handsome and so loving.

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Jeff's Mom

Laurie, that was exactly what happened to my MIL. Remember how I mentioned two people that came to her room the last days of her life. She asked them to leave as she told them she had no intention of going anywhere. She was beyond stubborn throughout her life and thought she could control when she left. They told her that they were there to help her. She asked them to leave and called the head nurse to have them removed. She told us she heard that story constantly on the ward. Also, Jeff came to visit her at the end and she was so pleased to see him. She then called the nurse to escort him out of the area as he had never been there before he told her. After his death I had many signs that were given as a gift of support and help to continue on. But nothing more convincing or moving than the Tea House experience. When I had my operation to remove my gall bladder I had extreme difficulty breathing after they removed the tube down my throat. I remember at one point standing at the base of the bed while two nurses were working on me. I watched as they did their stuff and I can tell you I heard every word exchanged in that recovery room all at once. Every bed and person that was thinking, or saying anything... I knew and heard every word. I heard a nurse at their station tell another one not to sit in a particular chair... as the surgeon who I gather was a prima donna always used that chair and didn't like others to sit there. I heard another nurse telling an elderly lady at the end of the room in her bed that she was having difficulty with her IV and apologized and the older lady telling her not to worry. Every word and thought was there for me to hear. I also knew I had no pain or fear. None.Yes, there is most definitely an afterlife. Our children are at peace and surrounded by much love. 

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Jeff's Mom

 What wonder and beauty awaits us. What we need to take from this is the fact that this is a temporary separation and we will one day be reunited with our beautiful child. It will happen! Stay strong and never lose heart. It is real.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie...Dianne....Kate....I so needed to hear your stories this morning....thank you.

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ericasmom

Love the irony screen shot. So true for so many. As far as Angels and signs...I absolutely have long believed in another place. After watching the sky change to pink that last day my first husband was alive...after 6 or more days of rain that march. I told him when he was still able to hear and speak that Erica would come to him in a burst of pink. He had little to no belief system, and he was so scared to die...what if there is nothing he said. There is though Michael...Erica is waiting for you, she will be the first person you see and then there will be your old friend Doug, your Dad, grandparents...He said, I sure hope you are right. THat last day, we pushed Michael's bed to the window, we knew it was his last day, and at the very end of the day, the very dark grey and raining sky began to clear just before sunset. It cleared completely in about 15 minutes, and the sky was a fabulous PINK and the sun was glistening through the raindrops...Eri came in a burst of PINK, and then Michael died. His funeral as it turned out, was the following Saturday, which was Erica's 25th birthday...there is magic even in the very saddest times.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Kate for sharing your Near Death experience and the end of life experience of your MIL.

Also, Dianne, for your angel story. In the string of transitions that hit our family in May of 2013 there were so many that came back for their loved ones. 

Dee, I look to the sky myself for signs, how bittersweet for Erica to light the sky with PINK on the day of her dad's homecoming.

Susan, thank you for sharing the screenshots. They are so you. 

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My girl is in heaven

I have been going to a grief counsellor/chaplain for five years.  One day in her office she told me to imagine a gold string attached to my finger up to my daughters finger in heaven and imagine she was trying to pull me there this with this string. I looked up and there in that tiny office was my precious daughter in a long red gown with gold trim . She was looking straight ahead and her hair was blowing slightly in the wind. There was the gold string tied to her finger down to mine. While she never looked at me she had a peaceful look on her face.  I don't believe in mediums or any thing like that.  And I probably wouldn't have believed anyone else if they told me such a story.  I can still see her if I concentrate. My chaplain told me today. Most people don't know what's waiting for them but I do. And I know that some day she will tell me it's ok I can come up with her.  I can stay. But until then i just have to do my work here on earth , look after my husband and boys waiting til I can scoop her up in my arms again.  This took about 5 1/2 years in my journey to see her like this.  But I could see her so clearly , my precious angel was there.  And no one can convince me otherwise. Our children all there waiting for us.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

I so believe you Lou anne...and all the other brave parents on this site....I will post my ''visitation dream"....and I know my boy is in a 'beautiful..magical...place"...

thanks and ever so grateful....once again for all the parents on this site that understand me...console me...help me...care for me....

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Tommy's mum

Yes our children are all there waiting for us wherever you believe their place is above the earth. I firmly believe that also that they walk by our side watching over us and hoping we will be recovered and make a positive difference in this world no matter how small before our time is done and we can rejoin them.  I have seen as a nurse, dying patients who are happy to see their loved ones who have gone on before them, many times. No one dies alone they are always taken by the hand of someone they knew and loved before and pass peacefully. Even with a traumatic death, the body shuts down, pain stops, consciousness is lost and they pass on. My son had a traumatic death and was grieviously injured, but the ambulance men said he became calm and lost consciousness. He had a couple friends who died young and I like to think they collected him on their skateboards! I had a couple near death experiences myself but don't remember a light or anything about them. It just was not my time to go. The hardest part about grieving besides missing our children is going on with living after them, and trying to find acceptance of our new life the "after". I have changed so much I am not the same as i once was, but I guess its a work in progress to adjust to the new me and to find my place again, to get familiar with myself and to find a new reason for being here.

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Mermaid Tears

tommy's mum....I love the..'I think they came and collected him on their skateboards'.....only a parent can wrap their sorrow around some thing magical...to give yourself a lift.

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My girl is in heaven

.Mermaid tears. Thanks for believing me.  I look forward to hearing your visitation story. It means so much to me to have the support of people like you.

Tommys mum.  I am so sorry that your son was hurt so bad. At least a small comfort that you know he was calm and then drifted off.  I'm sure the skateboard kids were there for him.  You are so right that the hardest part is living without them , trying to figure out who you are now and why your here. I too am forever changed.  I can't believe some of the things I used to fret about or thought were important. I just cannot figure why God would let me stay and take a beautiful vibrant 17 year old girl who had so much to offer the world. It doesn't make any sense.  Maybe we will always be a work in progress, searching for who we are now.  

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Mermaid Tears

I went to bed last night with all the stories around me...Lou ann....and Laurie...and Kate and Dee...I went to bed with a 'hope'....this morning I heard the 'skateboard' story from tommy's mum....I sometimes feel as if I can 'see' ....or find a port hole...or a door...or a page that has an answer....when I hear stories from parents that give what they have. It is late here...and I have had a very busy day...but will post the 'visitation dream' from John David when I can give it relevance...tomorrow when I am fresh and fully awake. I do want/need to share it.

Dee has said....we change...to make room for the grief. I am forever changed...as of today....I do not know when I will stop evolving...and can recognize the me that is now me....

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ericasmom

And Susan, we never stop evolving, we keep on keepin on. It is our journey and in it we continue to change. We wear our grief knitted into our being...in that we enter each day with our Babies woven to us, never left behind. We never leave them nor does their love and constant care leave us behind. Journey on!

To those new, I will write down my Erica sky story when I have some time this weekend.

PEACE- I promise.

Sandy, you okay?Georgina? Shannon?

 

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Tommy's mum

It is hard to fathom why young vibrant children with their whole lives full of potential, skills, and personality should be taken so early from us, leaving behind jaded, sorrowful parents who have already acheived so much in their lives. Hard for the siblings left behind and also the new siblings or grandchildren who grow up without that other child being in their lives, and also because they have grieving parents who find it hard to find the joy again. Everyone's lives are forever changed, and it is hard not to immortalize our dead child. Sometimes i wonder if my other kids are a bit tired of hearing about their brother, so I don't say too much about him. I know that I love to see them and try desperately not to show I miss Tommy because as they have said before "You still have us Mum. Be happy we are here". and of course I am so happy to see them but there is that permanent part of me that still wants to see Tommy too. that is the sadness inside. When he died my life just stopped and i could not find any interest or happiness or care for anything. It was not a conscious choice it was as if i just withered up inside. As Tommy had died I could not celebrate life and growth. I have been working hard to live again and be alive and find joy in small things. Finally after almost 21 months I began to find my passion for gardening again and have been spending time in my yard planting and caring for my flowers and shrubs. It was if my spirit was in hibernation and has just now begun to show itself and I am grateful that i once again have something that nurtures my soul. I am able to celebrate the cycle of life again and to enjoy caring for and nurturing plants and supporting nature because that is important to me. We all need to try to regain a love for something that was important to us before, any hobby, art or sport, or musical ability or even find something new that will help to fill that empty inner void. Hopefully this will stop us being half alive and help us to become better stronger "new" people.

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Mermaid Tears

Soil Microbes and Human Health

Did you know that there’s a natural antidepressant in soil? It’s true. Mycobacterium vaccae is the substance under study and has indeed been found to mirror the effect on neurons that drugs like Prozac provide. The bacterium is found in soil and may stimulate serotonin production, which makes you relaxed and happier. Studies were conducted on cancer patients and they reported a better quality of life and less stress.

Lack of serotonin has been linked to depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar problems. The bacterium appears to be a natural antidepressant in soil and has no adverse health effects. These antidepressant microbes in soil may be as easy to use as just playing in the dirt.

Most avid gardeners will tell you that their landscape is their “happy place” and the actual physical act of gardening is a stress reducer and mood lifter. The fact that there is some science behind it adds additional credibility to these garden addicts’ claims. The presence of a soil bacteria antidepressant is not a surprise to many of us who have experienced the phenomenon ourselves. Backing it up with science is fascinating, but not shocking, to the happy gardener.

Mycrobacterium antidepressant microbes in soil are also being investigated for improving cognitive function, Crohn’s disease and even rheumatoid arthritis.

How Dirt Makes You Happy

Antidepressant microbes in soil cause cytokine levels to rise, which results in the production of higher levels of serotonin. The bacterium was tested both by injection and ingestion on rats and the results were increased cognitive ability, lower stress and better concentration to tasks than a control group.

Gardeners inhale the bacteria, have topical contact with it and get it into their bloodstreams when there is a cut or other pathway for infection. The natural effects of the soil bacteria antidepressant can be felt for up to 3 weeks if the experiments with rats are any indication. So get out and play in the dirt and improve your mood and your life.
 

My Grama...Essie....use to say all the time...'As long as you dig in the earth....you will never go crazy'.....now thanks to modern technology she has been proven true.....so dig in that garden....there is a healing in Mother Nature....

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Mermaid Tears: I will agree with you on that. I remember when I was little, I didn't like pulling weeds. I started to enjoy it as a teenager. When my kids were little, I would sit in our yard and pull weeds. It was a daunting task but I was able to relax, think, just all around felt better. My kids would join me and I would turn the music up and we would sing and pick. It didn't last long for them as their attention span wouldn't allow it haha.  I think I need to get back to playing and picking. Actually, just being outside in the sun will help. My son, Grayson and I are thinking if going fishing and morrel mushroom hunting. 

I am finding my family is falling off the face of the earth when I need support the mist. All immediate family except one niece. Im tired of explaining why my son and I act and feel the way we do. Tired of explaining that we will never be the same. It's time to separate from them and go on our journey together without their support. They keep asking if I am going to a counselor. I keep telling them I'm not ready and I have other support person. I finally asked my mom if she is seeing a counselor. No response. She told me to let everyone grieve in their own way. I told her I haven't stopped them. I isolated myself with my grief the day they left from her funeral. I said it wasn't healthy and I will no longer do it. They need to let me grieve in my own way. But I've said all I can to them. They are on their own as they have left me and my son on our own. 

Sorry that is long winded. Probably garbled too. Just so worn out. 

I will talk more about my daughter Kiona as time goes. I'm at work right now and don't want to start crying. 

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend. It's going to be in the 80-90's here. .loves to everyone

My beautiful sweet angelFB_IMG_1492958979501.jpg.6e360489f19cdccca257cea88c2bd0fc.jpg

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ericasmom

Kiona is beautiful Tinay. Plain and simply beautiful. We all do grieve as we must, individually different as each person.

Susan, I agree with the emotional lift and boost we receive when playing in the dirt. I love dirt. I am the head of our school garden club, right now we have seedlings in my class windows as well as two other classrooms, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, beets, peppers, basil, lavender, rosemary, peas, beans...so hopefully the sun will shine all weekend as the cloudy days really affected these tender babies. We hope to plant them in our garden beds in two more weeks. My husband is his happiest when working in the garden, which he does from dawn to dusk on days that allow. We have a beautiful perennial garden and I grow the veggies in our neighbors beds since they are at their cottage most of the summer...and I take care of planting all of the pots and window boxes. Ahhhhh, spring.

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My girl is in heaven

I like the idea of digging in the dirt. I am no good with gardening but have enough weeds to pull to last me all summer. I envy you parents who live in a warm state. 80s and 90s. Wow.  I live in ontario and it has been rainy and cool for a straight week.  Anyway I will definitely try the dirt thing as I have no hobbies as kids were my hobby but with the loss of my daughterthat was shattered.

Tinay I am right there with you about family. Unfortunately for me it took 5 1/2 years to realize I was not going to let them hurt me anymore.  I have 4 siblings and only one will support me. Some will hang on a little longer then others I found but eventually they all go back to their lives, friends too.  They keep thinking the old you is coming back but you won't ever be the same. They will tell you life goes on , you need to move past it , all kinds of things, but they don't even have the smallest clue of what you are suffering thru.  I spent years being hurt with them showing no support for me where i was in my journey.  I know there are some that say we need to forgive them, but not me.  I am doing what I need to to survive. I thought to myself one day, where did they all go, then I realized they all went back to the day before my daughter died and just kept going on with thier lives.  But you and I can't do that our lives have been changed forever. Anyway just wamted you to know you are not alone on that one.  I have got so much help from the other parents on this web site.  Hang in there you are doing what feels right for you. If you ever want to corresponds thru e mail, mine is ltaylor50@rogers.com.  

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Tears in heaven and Lou Ann. Thank you so much for your words. I wanted to post your last picture on my Facebook page tears in heaven but again, I thought of family and how they will take it. I don't know why.  I'll save to my phone and post it later. 

I have a brother that lives a few states away. We hadn't talked in over 12 years. He flew down for her funeral. Left that day and haven't heard from him since. I'm used to that. I keep picturing kiona at Christmas time. I didn't get to see her much but as I look at pictures and remember the gathering, looks like we are outcasts. I was talking to a long time friend of mine and made the comment that my family is selfish. She asked weren't they always? I realized that ,yes, yes they are and always have been. I do feel an odd weight lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it is now I can concentrate on my son and me. 

I get protective too. Maybe it's not right but I feel she is mine, my son and her dad's angel. That feeling may change. I don't know. When I was filling out thank you cards, I remember putting that I know she is keeping her baby blues on all of us and is dancing in the sky. Maybe it's just this moment in my grief that I feel she's ours. 

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and compassion

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tommy's mom - thank you for the sharing how one never dies alone. You must have seen a lot during your time as a nurse...I am not sure if you are still working in that field or not. I think patients open up when they realize someone will listen. I know since my daughter and I practice openness regarding these experiences, we hear experiences first hand. It has helped some. You may like to view Diane Corcoran, she was a combat nurse in the Vietnam era - I think Army branch. She was a Colonel at the end of her career and has done some great NDE research.

Lou Ann, thank you for the telling of the sacred visit from your precious daughter. While you will always have that missing, there is a comfort in seeing your precious loved one. 

Susan, I was missing your Grama Essie stories and her wise tidbits. 

A friend once said that Flowers are food for the soul. I think so. 

Sherry, are you doing a garden this year?

Tina, it is still so early for you. My counselor early on had recommended me making a "safe spot" in my home. For me, I chose a overstuffed chair in the corner of my living room. I got a soft throw and put some things like special teas and meaningful books there. I would retreat there when I felt overwhelmed. It was some good advice to make it through the early days.

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amyanne03

I haven't been on here for about a week, but I want to thank everyone for their responses to me.. Honestly I just can't find the right words to say back to you..I will type something then erase it..I am sorry because everyone  that has posted something back to me has helped me so much..and I am so thankful for you all.. I read the post and I can relate to everyone..I want so bad to be part of this continuing conversation, but the words are so hard to find... 

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amyanne03

I do know that I am going to make a day for me and my granddaughters to go pick weeds in our yard this week... Thank you Mermaid tears..

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ericasmom

Tiny sparks of hope are filled by courageous hearts and minds. If you can find that spark from time to time and realize that it is in that you will find the next...you will grow your capacity to learn to find your life again.  I am so happy to read your sparks of hope here today.

Amyann, you never have to feel you need to reply other than to let us know that you are out there. Many read for many months before they feel comfortable in their words...everyone of us different than the next. Like our Kids.

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Sholl1955

Good evening all,

As I read tonight I can remember the early days, and the pain that comes with not only the loss that is beyond anything words can describe, but also the loss of those who held such significant places in my life and heart.  Those that I KNEW would ALWAYS be in my life.  There was no question in my mind that they would be there for me in the days ahead.   But......  I was wrong.  Some of these people were close family and some were close friends.   Some of them I believe couldn't handle my pain, in fact my sister told me that very thing.  Some wanted me to be "over it".   Some wanted me to be "my old self".  And some just didn't know what to say, and I think I made them uncomfortable because if it happened to us, it could happen to them.  And some were grieving in their own way and some were just plain selfish and I could no longer focus on their needs. It was so very painful to need their support as they walked away.   For those who are dealing with that now, I know that it hurts so much.   But I also want you to know that when you are farther along you will be able to look back and see that even though there are those who stepped away, there are also those people who will come into your lives that you never expected, would be there for you .    We are changed, and will never be the person we were before the loss of our child.    For me, I find that I am now ok having just a couple of people that I am close to.  They are the ones who have been here for the duration who have walked through the darkness with me without demanding anything and not needing to understand.   I also have found that I prefer more alone time.  The one relationship that I couldn't let go, which was the most painful of all was that for a time my youngest daughter turned away.   It was her way of grieving for her sister and she still struggles but is back in our lives.   So please keep coming here and sharing whatever you want to share.  Sometimes just reading with those who totally understand is very helpful.  And know that you will get through this one step at a time.  I didnt' believe that at first. Sometimes you take 2 steps forward and then slide 5 steps back, but one day you will look back and see that the intervals are longer and that you are making progress.  And know that we are here for you and that we understand.

Have a restful night.

Sandy

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Sholl1955

I miss you tonight but I miss you every night

As I look at the sky, and the stars I imagine you on the other side of the stars wondering what you are doing.

My mind imagines you joyful, at peace and enjoying things that are beyond anything I can even imagine.  

You know we will be together again.  I know it too, but I am impatient!  My heart does not want to wait. 

But, I have a job yet to do here, and your sweet girls are part of that job.   You are proud of them I know.

I love you Sari Bear.   Have a good rest.

Love Mama

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