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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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I am so sorry I don't mean to be a depressant to anyone.. I had a breakdown.. I am sorry..

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My girl is in heaven

Oh amyanne, I wish I could give you a big hug right now.  Your Katrina sounds like a wonderful girl just like my Kira was. Always so concerned about others.  Usually young girls are more into themselves, but ours were just wanting to help others.  I don't think we will ever get our answer as to why them instead of us until we can ask God someday. I try to block out some memories too because they are just too painful.  I cant imagine the strength and courage it must take to raise those three girls and I know your daughter must be so proud of you.  We just need to hang on to each other and all the other wonderful people on this site.

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My girl is in heaven

Please don't apologize for breaking down. I think we all do that at one time or another and this is a safe place.  Also my email address is ltaylor50@rogers.com and if you want to connect that way too I will always be there. 

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Thank you Lou ann for your kind words.... I also feel like I didn't get to my daughter in time... 

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Dear Everyone,

good job standing for one another and yourselves. Bob, we have rooted for you, and we have ignored the ugly words you use about women...please understand we kept making allowances to encourage you to stay and share, but when you make fun of folks it just is tasteless. I hope that you can stop and reread some of what you have said here and realize, we are simply grieving parents, we share that with you, but we are not your whipping post. I forgot what you said to Susan last week when she shared music with us, it was just  very mean...you did not need to comment at all for that matter. Maybe your drinking and dog downers is having more of a negative effect on you than you thought. If you are able to be here with respect to others, then stay...if not, you need to find another place that placates to unresolved anger and disregard.

Lou ann, and Amyann all I can say to your asking why, is to try asking' how.' How do we go forward after so much sadness? How do we make the most of our Child's legacy while raising her children? How do we find time to grieve while raising these kids? How can I live my best life to honor my Daugher?

If you have to stuff it down on a regular basis AMYann, then you need to find someone to help you learn to allow your feelings. YOu will not drown in those tears, but you will be washed through by them. I understand the worry about the memories making you too sad, but those are the things that eventually, will bring you great joy. What about some counseling for you?  The reason why not you by the way???There are still things for you to do in this world, and for whatever reasons, you are needed here. Yes, your Girl was a great kiddo, look in the mirror at who raised her.

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Just wanted to stop in for awhile. Sitting at Brooks' grave and wondering how life could have taken such a hard turn. Three and a half years in normal time. A day...a week...maybe a month in my grief time. Just can't figure it out. It is peaceful here. About the only place I find peace anymore. Brooks would laugh at that, because he could always find the positive. He got that from me, but I just don't have that in me anymore. I see new names along with the old familiar ones. Those who's amazing compassion fended off the dark days. I hope the peace of this place finds it's way into your heart and soul to help you walk this difficult journey.

Found this in Brooks' notebook not long ago. He made it into a song too, but it is hard lately to listen to those. Everyone tells me I'm lucky to have those, but I don't feel lucky. I still think of all of you even though I don't really post anymore. It is just so hard. 

Who would have thought you'd be my angel, son. I miss you so very very much. 

Angel in Disguise

You're an angel in disguise
Can you help me find my wings?
I look into your eyes
and see what perfect love brings

I want to be your inspiration
The man to sweep you off your feet
The man to take your breath away
each and every time we meet

Would you show me all the things you love
and tell me where to start?
How to find the key
that will unlock your loving heart?

Can you see our future together?
Can you see how far it goes?
How far away is forever?
Does anyone really know?

Would you be happy in my arms
until the day we die?
I'll love you more each day
and never let time pass us by

I'll always try to keep that spark
as strong as it is today
I'll help you fight your fears
until each one is gone away

I'll never hurt you, nor love another
I swear it's true
You're my angel in disguise
I found my wings because of you
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Wade, how lovely to see this poem/song today...to see your name and know that you are out there in the world. I am sad that you don't feel that you no longer are optimistic, I get that. I have changed in that way too. We inevitably change in the death of our Babies. We rise up and find our footing, find ways to go on, move forward in each day a bit, but we are changed for all time. For me it has been with increased anxiety, I already was an anxious person but after Erz died, I became more so. I have to talk myself out of deep dark places but the good news is, I am glad to find each new day. I wish that for us all. I do find goodness in life and beauty and joy, but it will always be alongside the ache in my heart for Erica. Once again, instead of why, we ask HOW. How do we find purpose in our lives now? You probably are the guy that still shoulders everyone else's issues at work. You are that man who gave your Brooks such love and support, he is shining on you...and in this lifetime, it is what we have. You know what song was on just now while I was writing? How I wish you were here, Pink Floyd. Ain't that the truth...but for what it is worth, I do think our Children is with us somehow. Bless you Wade, your coming here today touches my heart in ways I cannot quite explain but to say thank you.

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Becky, your poem is a beautiful piece, and I do remember it from when you first found yourself here. Thank you for sharing your heart as you do...

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I seem to have an over load of anxiety also....it peaks and ebbs....sometimes comes all of a sudden....or creeps in and stays awhile.

Wade....I am on the 5th year of this grief journey...I call it a journey because I seem to walk it every day. Yes...we miss our boys...but there is one thing I want you to hold dear to your heart....the unconditional love you have for your boy...and how he loves you. Nothing can ever change that or take it away. Love is a verb. Love is not what you say but what you do. We get all caught up in the 'missing and yearning'...in all the 'wishing and thinking'...and there are many days we don't have enough pockets to put our grief. I have always been a very optimistic person...but there are days when it is hard to know the sun is behind the clouds. I don't believe we really can shed our basic personality but I do believe we can have a life changing situation where our basic personality gets a sharp adjustment. Losing a child can cause that sharp turn. In your case...Brooks was your only child...and I can so understand how hard it is for you to walk this earth home without him. He was your buddy...friend...partner...your boy...all rolled into one. We do get it. Stay in Peace. Stay in Grace. Thank you for sharing Brooks poem.

 

Amyanne....first I want to applaud you for stepping up and taking in your granddaughters to care, love and raise. In our Brenham town....there are many grandparents who are raising their grandchildren...due to parents being unfit...or using drugs...or in prison. I so admire those that keep the child/children in the family...and know that they have to re-arrange their lives to raise yet...another generation. It is a supreme act of love. I can only imagine how hard it is to do all that is expected to care for those precious girls...and to grieve for your daughter. There is another parent on this site that lost a daughter and she had two granddaughters at the time....she did not have to take them in for the Daddy was there....but how she grieves for her girl...and it is a bitter sweet kind of life when she sees her granddaughters growing without their Mama. I can see why you have so many of those 'bitter sweet' days....to see them grow and reach milestones without their Mama. I think there are many shades of courage...and you certainly do have that. I also want you to know it is 'ok' to have a melt down...the parents on this site have many....and don't ever apologize....this is the place where you can weep and wail....and we certainly can understand when the grief seems to overcome us in our every day lives...and it needs to spill out. Tears are a wonderful way to let the grief spill out....I think tears are healthy for us.

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Thank you Dee for your beautifully worded and eloquent posts. You are a port in a storm for all of us and offer such comfort to a hurting heart. 

Susan, your Veto is already breaking hearts. That smile of his is  heart melting for sure. I really love seeing sand sculptures. That was so beautifully done and very involved. We have a competition every August long weekend in Gimli. It blows my mind how intricate they are getting each year. So much fun to watch them making them.

Sherry, I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with your computer these days. Does it have anything to do with the lines outside? I always feel so cut off when ours is down.

Dianne, thinking of you and hoping your day will be slightly more peaceful.

Becky, what a beautiful poem. It is so good to see you on the site again. I hope you will continue to share more of your work with us.

Wade, as always it is good to hear from you. You have have been missed! Hang on with both hands. 

It looks like a sunny day today, but still really cool for this time of year. I can't believe how quickly the month has passed . Time to pick up the Cancer Daffodil Pins today and make the rounds. I am sending love and "HUGS" to everyone.

Georgina...let us know how you are doing.

Sandy...hope all is well your way.

Kate:)

 

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Mermaid Tears

MamaDukes....so you returned to the 'scene'....all the parents on this site knows what courage it took to take yourself there...and let all the thoughts sift through your mind and heart. We all have that intuition that will let us know when it is time to do or not do certain things. Listen to yourself.

And my heart goes out to all the 'new parents' that have found their way to this site...and have found themselves on this dark and heavy grief journey. My son, John David, died in August 2012.....one night in December I was looking something else up on the internet and was 'guided' to this website. It was like a lifesaver thrown at me...for I could feel my human body, soul and spirit going down..down...down. I discovered that I wasn't going crazy...I was deep in mourning. The parents on this site have been essential to my emotional and physical health in walking this grief journey. We will not have any answers for you but we do have hearts of care and compassion....and we can let you know....we survived...and you can, too. We all have different situations and circumstances but we all have the common shattered heart. Let us know about your child....about you and how you are doing...or not doing. It is 'ok' not be be 'ok'.....it is very normal to have breakdowns...meltdowns...and most important....don't let anyone tell you...'to move on'....you are the star of your movie...you need to put yourself first...and self care...I still have to remind myself to be very kind and gentle to myself. Don't expect too much of yourself or family and friends....just take this one day at a time.

 

Dianne....those marker days can really knock all the winds of reasoning out of you....we are here to hear you. I think you are right in seeing a small spark of light and that is 'Hope'....

I don't have time now...but will post my amazing 'Visitation Dream' I had of John David.....for I KNOW for sure he is in a most perfect place...and I want to give parents a dose of 'Hope'......

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I'm not placing much value or weight into the idea of "the first year" as I'm taking it one day at a time. Some days I have all my shizznit together, and some days I don't.  It's okay either way, as adjustment and change are part of my every day life since Nathan was murdered. Some days I am really very angry and spread that anger equally among the person who caused his death, his family, and my own self (and his bio father) for not being enough or doing enough to stop the tragedy. For a little while, I had a very difficult time discerning what was real and what was illusion/delusion due to the violent and traumatic nature of his death. I have significant PTSD since having viewed some of the video from the killing, and from the circumstances. I cry a lot, I mourn a lot and I work really hard on maintaining control over the threads that have unraveled since the event. Each and every day is a struggle to find little shreds of joy.  I've accepted that this is my life, because I really have no choice but to learn to adapt. Not move on, just work around the bowl full of poop that I've been handed.

But at no point have I ever lashed out or taken it out on anyone else, because everyone I know is dealing with it in their own way. We all deserve a little compassion and kindness when dealing with our grief. We are all harder on ourselves than any judgement people could pass on us. We may wear similar shoes, but they are NOT the same shoes... no one has the right to demean and belittle anyone else for any garbage label they want to apply. We are all human, we are all in this **** together and we should all be gracious enough to extend the kindness we would like for ourselves.

So, in short... if you can't find the grace within yourself to be kind with other people. Give it awhile. Don't type, just sit and think about how you would want people to respond to you. Then take out all the judgement.  And then speak. If you can't be that kind of human, please be considerate and stfu until you can. We all have enough to deal with.

A special thanks to all those who have reached out and been very kind to me.  I appreciate it more than you know and will be forever grateful to have each and every one of you in my life at a time when I needed you the most. This place makes me feel less alone, a little less crazy and a little more hopeful and I can't tell you how valuable it is. I am thankful and hope that sharing some of my experiences helps some of you as well.

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Tommy's mum

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Everyone is welcome here no matter your Nationality, colour, religious beliefs, gender, sexual preference absolutely everyone is welcome here. Let us not be distracted by mean words, retaliation and hurt feelings. We can choose to ignore posts that are unhelpful, offensive or that do not relate to our beliefs. All of us are angry. Angry that we lost a child, angry that our lives are forever changed, angry at the loss of potential and future for our child, angry at the people responsible, angry at the justice system. We are just plain angry and that is ok it is a normal part of grieving. This anger should dissipate over time and be replaced by more positive thinking. We cannot undo what has happened we cannot change the past but we can change the future. We can change how we feel and act and what all our children would want  for us is healing, peace, a measure of happiness and doing something to make them proud. maybe we should reverse the situations. How would we counsel our children about the problems we all are facing? What advice would we give them? We would hug them and assure them it will all be ok in time. We would seek medical help or counselling for them, we would do everything in our power to help them wouldn't we? So therefore WE need to do what we would advise our children, to give ourselves freedom from guilt, to seek help, to speak out, to give to others and not to live in the past. Our children were part of the future, now let US be part of the future in their places. As parents we set by example so let all of us in our own small way take steps toward healing ourselves and freeing ourselves from grief. We deserve it we are worth it.

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I have realized that this pain does not get easier... its here.. and will always be here..Someone I met at church told me that it does get easier as time goes on.. that I will learn to live with it.. they were wrong.. it does not get easier.. and I am still trying to figure out how to live without my daughter.. life is different.. I am lost without her..its been four years but that pain is the same as when I found out I lost her..I try to stay busy and I believe that's what helps, but now I am at a stand still so all the emotions are drowning me..I just don't understand..I keep pretending to my granddaughters that I am okay..this is just so hard..

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Hello my friends,

Jeff's Mom  I could not have described this site better myself.  I appreciated your words.

Lou Ann. All are welcome here.  We all travel different roads to get to the same place.  Our child has died.  We are just trying to breath.  Thanks for posting that

amyanne03  I can relate to your thinking of all our "bad parenting moments" and cringe.  But we are good parents that had bad things happen to us.  

Wade, Tommy's Mom, Devianz, Dee, and so many others.  I appreciate each of you for helping me to live again.  Life is different now.  We are going on 9 years living without our Brian.  I did not think we would last one day.  We are different people now and we have to get to know ourselves again.  That is a tough process.  So be kind to yourself.  The progress here is over years, not weeks or months.  

Love to each of you

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen.  Thanks for the welcome. I am so sorry you lost your son.  I see from your site that your Brian died the same day as my Kira, June 19th. But her year was three years later.  I will now think of you and your family now on that day too.  It is so encouraging to hear you seemed to have found your way thru this journey of grief.  You are so right you have to get to know yourself again.  I think you must have to reinvent yourself but I just can't find my way thru yet.

Amyanne I hear your pain. I know what it feels like to not figure out how to live without her. My whole heart and soul feel as those they have been taken from me.  I  am almost 6 yrs in and it took me 5 1/2 years to finally get her pictures packed away. Each one I looked at was like a stabbing in my heart and flood of memories.  So I worked on them for 5 1/2 years. Have you  had time to get therapy and maybe some meds .  As long as you get a good therapist they can really help you.  You r probably so overwhelmed with kids u don't have time to .  Sounds like u need a bit of a break.

As far as it getting any easier, hope it does but I really don't know.  I just know we need to keep putting one foot in front of another.

Devianz you are so right to put one front in front of other. I never found the timelines or which years were worse than others very valuable. I have always been all over map while trying to heal. I sympathize with your ptsd.  I hate quite a bite of it myself but it has gotten better.  There is medication for that.  I can't image what you have to live with. 

You are so right about finding the tiny shreds of hope each day.  I now appreciate even the smallest of victories.  Thank you for sharing.

Tommys mum

So inspiring to all.  And lots of  hopes for us newbies. Thanks for your inspiring words and giving us the encouragement to reach out for help.  I know I certainly need some. 

 

 

 

 

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Tommy's mum

Amyanne the pain will always be there, always, an eternal loss because where there is grief there is a great love. The difference is being able to learn to live again not just exist, and not let your loss define who you are. You are so much more than a mum who lost their child, you have strengths and weaknesses, beauty, skills and talents. You are a mother, grandmother, a daughter, maybe a sister, aunt and friend. You are so valued even if you can't see it, your words speak to others here who recognise them and perhaps feel a connection to you and be inspired by your honesty. Take time to find yourself again because you are worth it. We are all changed and I think we are all struggling to find our identity and self again because we are different now and don't recognise the people we have become. None of this was a choice we were thrown into this new life there will always be a comparison to life before loss and life after. Please look at some counselling and possibly some different anti depressant medication to help you, we all need any help we can get. If you have a faith the church often offers a non judgemental listening ear with sound advice. There may be groups in your local area or library. But still come here and post and be supported. sometimes by reading others stories you recognise how far you have actually come.

Louann I still cannot look at old pictures of my son too painful, we all have our timelines to deal with things. I have a few in my house of more recent times but cannot deal with any more than those. Its ok. I also have a Tommy box in my attic that I periodically put things in, a list with all his messages on, a few poems I have written over time, a pressed flower or two, obviously all the newspaper articles that were written about him, a few clothes etc. I still have a pair of his shoes in the shoerack and his favourite hoodie hung up in the hall so when my other kids come back our stuff together makes me feel we are all here. I know its silly but it helps me. i grow more orange flowers in my garden to remind me of his flaming red hair. still cant listen to his fave bands without sobbing but that is healing too.

Collen your kind words are so appreciated, i know each post is for us all but sometimes taking the time to address individuals is so valuable, such a personal message. Your journey has been longer than some and it inspires us all to be able to reach a different place in time.

Devianz your open sharing and honesty speak volumes. I am so sorry you have PTSD after watching some of that horrific video. There is also a short cellphone video of my son's death which after much deliberation I chose not to see , what has been seen cannot be unseen. However there is a therapy called EMDR which has been extremely therapeutic in treating PTSD. All of us have a minor form of PTSD after the deaths of our children but in severe cases like yours there are treatments available. You are not crazy well no more than the rest of us anyway!! I love the way you suggest taking out judgement and thinking a while before posting, extending kindness to others, SO true. We should never dismiss something that is important to anyone else. Not every post or quote or thought is meant for us that is selfish thinking, it could speak volumes for someone else.

Dianne Dee and mermaidtears I always look forward to your posts which are clear kind and hopeful.

Wade love that poem/song it took my breath away. Please try to post more, pain is from an injured soul and heart and when you help to heal others by definition some healing takes place within yourself.

For everyone else on this site know your posts are read and sometimes cried over, your words heard and your presence enhances this group of sad warriors, each and every one of you is valuable, thank you.

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My friends,

it took me 5 years before I could wear my Mothers ring.

this wound will not fully heal, but we do find happiness again.

so again, be kind to yourself.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

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Thank you so much for the kind responses. I try to be as honest as possible with people, without causing any harm.  I've done EMDR and it does help a lot. At first, I was having constant flashbacks and nightmares and went three days without sleeping or eating.  It was a waking nightmare as well, and my therapist suggested it. It helped quite a bit, but it's an expensive treatment around here.

Lesley,

You are so right about shifting focus from the future our children might have had, to sharing the light they carried so that others have a better and brighter future. Our children would have not wanted us to be full of sadness and sorrow all of the time. I think for me, it has helped to think of how I want to be remembered to people after I die, and I try to be that person. All of our children had lights that the world attempted to snuff out, but it lives on in us and maybe we can take that flame and light others candles. As hard as it can be sometimes, if I can talk to one young man about making bad choices and change his mind, then I am keeping Nathaniel alive in my heart.

Lou Ann and AmyAnne,

I am not sure you should expect it to get any easier, but it will be filled with less sorrow as you can make way for more joy. In the beginning, I tried to hide my feelings and be strong for everyone but I realized that I was harming my own recovery and halting my own journey. The path through this storm of poop is really treacherous and it's slippery and it stinks. It's never easy. Never easy to talk about, never easy to think about.  You don't have to fake it though. One of the hardest things I've learned in the last 9 months is to reach out for help. To ask others to help me do tasks, not because I am weak but because everyone needs time for themselves. Take time for yourself. Ask a neighbor or a family member to watch the girls, ask someone you trust to help out a little with housework, or making a meal or driving them to school.  Reach out and take others hands, it's okay to be stop being strong and need help.  It's okay to ask for it. For your own sake. Don't let anyone tell you to "get over it" or "learn to cope", you do it in your time and at your pace. Sometimes we forget that the beauty that was in our children was fostered in our own hearts and we are also beautiful. We are worth spending the time on, because as we know first hand... when the light of life go out, it casts a darkness over the all of the people who are in our lives.

Colleen,

You are right about it being a journey, and for me I'm only 9 months in. Each day is a new journey actually, and each day has new things we have to navigate. There is always a storm on the horizon that we have to learn to predict or shelter ourselves from and I don't think that ever will pass.  It's easier to watch the storm, and worry about what the storm might bring.  But we can learn to open our sails, cast our crew with good deckhands and healthy choices and we can feel the sunlight on our faces when we are looking in the right direction. The storm will never pass, but the sea is wide and the sky is endless.

 

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Tommy's mum

A teary day today. Sometimes that is the way it goes, Nothing in particular happened to spark it off, just that deep heavy feeling in your heart.

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That desperation of wanting to feel his hug and hear his laugh, to see his face and be with him.I call my other kids every week and we whatsapp pictures sometimes and I see them every 2 months when they come back to visit from college/job in other cities which is lovely but never enough. But I long for that call to be from Tommy to hear his voice and it cannot ever be again and it rips my soul to pieces. 

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My girl is in heaven

Tommys mom. So sorry you are having a down day. Sometimes they feel so close its like you could reach out and touch them.  I have two other wonderful children, but I know what you mean it's just never enough.  There's always an empty place and a hole in your heart. I know how sometimes there are triggers and other times it is just that yearning for them so much.  Something we want so bad but can never have.  Your kind words have helped me so much in the short time I've been here. I wish I could do something to help you. Please know I am thinking of you and sending hugs. I have those days too so like your posts says "me too". 

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Wade-----So good to see your post.  I, so, agree that we are not the people

we used to be after the tragic loss of our children.  Thanks for posting the

lovely poem "Angel in Disguise" which you found in your dear son, Brooks,'

notebook. It would be a beautiful song too.  I'm sorry that you are struggling.

I guess that we must get used to the 'yoke' of pain after losing our children,

and only pray that somehow theload will lighten some.  We will never forget

our dear children,.....and as long as we remember,.... they live in our hearts & souls.

Peace to you, friend.

Dee-----Your post was timely, and comes from the heart. It says what I would

have liked to put into words, but could not.  Thanks.

 

Kate------Well, the computer is back online.  You will never guess what the

reason is........there is a culprit causing the problem, says the phone company.

It is the lowly, common field mouse......he/she  keeps chewing through lines in

the quest to build a nest....then we are disconnected from the internet.

 It has happened before.  It is fixed for awhile, and then

Mr. Mouse (or Ms. Mouse ) get busy again, and off we go.  :(  Hope they

lay off for awhile. :o

 

Georgina-----Hoping you are doing ok.  We miss you.

 

Tommysmum-----I, so, relate to that deep, heavy feeling that dwells in the heart....

causing the tears to fall.  Thank you for your post of such heartfelt, and true words.

 

Colleen------good to see your post, friend.  Are you doing a lot of birdwatching lately? :)

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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I'm 37 days into the loss of my 19 year old daughter. Anything is a trigger for my tears. I've had about 3 nightmares. I don't remember them but have woke up crying and hyperventilating in one, crying in one and just a bad dream feeling. I walk around with that sad look in my face. The other 3 individuals involved in her death we're sentenced last Tuesday. Some people think light sentences, others think too much. I know what my new journey is in life, it's just getting things in action. I'm also debating a wrongful death suit on two of them. It's not about the money, it's about accountability and education. 

My mind has stopped going from one thing to another in quick succession. Thoughts linger longer. I heard from the eye and tissue bank the other day. My daughter's cornea's went to Honduras and Egypt. I had to leave work after that phone call. I want to listen to the songs from her funeral but don't because of my son. I don't want him to see me in that much pain. 

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Tommys mum.. I am so sorry you are having a bad day.. I understand that pain..and my heart is with you right now..

 

 

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AmyAnne, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl, but am thankful that you found this site.   You and I have alot in common.   My Sarah died March 12th 2012.  Her little girls were 3 and 5 at the time.   It has been 5 years and I agree that the pain does not get better and it does not go away, but we go on and do what we have to do and learn how to live with the grief as part of us, because we have to.  We are forever changed and have those days when the pain at times is as painful as the day they died.    For the first year we lived with my son in law and helped with the girls .   After a year we moved to an apartment but have kept close contact with our little ladies.    We know we are very blessed to have our grandaughters don't we?  But there comes a bittersweet with the blessings.   The girls are 8 and 10 now and are such beautiful people.  They are both so much like their mama in looks, mannerisms and ect and bring to mind long forgotten memories which cause happiness, joy and sometimes pain.  They both remember thier mama and talk about her every single day.   It amazes me how much they remember from such a short time with her.   She poured her heart and soul into her girls and it has remained so strong.   They love to hear stories about mama and to be told that they are just like she was.   But the bittersweet moments come often too.   Watching them find their way through every single monumental moment in their lives without her.   School programs where mama's are everywhere and taking pictures and loving on their friends, and their mama is not there.  Every holiday, Wanting her when they are sick or when they are sad.    As much as we hold them and love them we know it is not nearly enough.  But they know we love them.   We do have to stay strong for them, but I don't feel as if it is wrong for them to see us cry, and to let them into our hurt at times.   I think it gives them permission to cry, grieve and be able to talk about thier feelings and loss.    AmyAnne, I dont think we are one bit weak as we work to help raise these precious girls and you have the full responsibility for yours. It takes great strength and love to get through each day one day at a time.   It is ok for us to grieve in the middle of it all.   I mess up alot going through this unwanted journey for sure.   Just tonight I missed being able to go a play that my oldest grandaughter was in because my husband refused to go .   I became really angry with him and was frustrated and hurt because I knew it meant so much to Maddie for us to be there.    I couldn't let him know how upset I was as he has dementia and is not able to process why I was upset and I couldn't leave him alone.  How awful is that, to get so upset with someone with dementia??????    But it happens,  and I hate it when it does.    But we are human and have feelings and reach our limits sometimes.  I am definitly not going to make wife of the year for sure.        You are doing great and I know that your little grandaughters are so blessed to have you.   Keep coming to this site and share your heart.    The people here "get it" and are invaluable.     Have a restful evening..

Sandy

 

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Mermaid Tears

 Amy Anne....this is the parent I was telling you about in an earlier posting...Sandy...lost her daughter...and has these amazing granddaughters...so much like your story.....we find that many parents walk in the same shoes....we are not alone....and we can come together and share and care....

 

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AMEN to Sandy's words and Susan's affirmations. Amyanne, kids learn that it is okay to grieve through our grief. And Sandy, I disagree with you...you are Wife and Grammy and Mom of the Year, you carry so much on those shoulders and in that heart. What disappointment you must have felt to not be able to go, and none of us know or can comprehend the position you are in when in this kind of middle. You are one stronger than you wish you had to be, lady. Lady.

Susan I have been super crazy busy at work, this time of year is nuts...so many projects and events and so I never responded to your words the other day. I am sorry that you too know the increased anxiety. It is hard to find ones balance when anxiety starts to live inside of us. Hang on to the positives as much as possible. Think of your wonderful Essie's words, she's pulled us all through some of our hardest times. Wise words.

Sherry, glad that my words made sense to your heart. Are the crops going in this weekend?

Tinay, oh my goodness I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. I lost my girl nearly 14 years ago and she too was 19. My girl would be 33 now. Hard to believe that we can get 13 years down the road from the loss of our Baby, but we do. Right now, time must seem as abstract to you as it did/does to most folks newer on the journey. One moment at a time for you Dear. Take time to grieve and know that we are here for you, drink plenty of water so that your tears don't dehydrate you. My Daughter's corneas also were given to two folks the day after she died, but both in Michigan where she died. Tell us more about your Girl when you feel you can. you are in good company.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

The first time I came to this site I really had a nervous breakdown from losing my son. I actually laid in the same spot for several months too paralyzed to move. This is my second son loss. Especially early on, I would just wait by my computer to watch the posts roll in. For me, almost 3 years went by before the 24 hour mind insanity lifted. I do still have certain days/hours were I can go back to that state. The rebound is perhaps a bit quicker.

For me, part of processing of what happened to me and Jesse carried a great spiritual element. As many of the earlier members on this site know, I had many signs and premonitions before my son transitioned. Things that were outside of my world paradigm then but since my research into Afterlife science, I have found many others (parents) have had those supernatural experiences. 

Here are a few of my top books:

Waiting on Heaven: A Mother and Daughter's Remarkable Shared Death Experience
 Victoria Acree
Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare 
Carol Kearns
Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go
 Mark Ireland
 
All of the above books, I have personally corresponded with the authors. They have all confirmed to me that what they wrote about their children's transitions -- the supernatural events that can precede and continue on after one's transition are true. 
The last book I should mention is by Shirley Enebrad whom I also corresponded with. Here is a video that Shirley posted.
 
 

 
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My girl is in heaven

Tinay.  I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. To suffer the loss of your daughter and then the legal aspects too you must be so exhausted.  Is it too early for therap and medications. ? I hope you have lots of friends and family gathered around you. . It is so new and raw for you. Please keep coming back here and let everyone help you. These are wonderful people.  It sounds like you have a plan of action your looking at.  Good for you.    Hugs and take care. 

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Laurie, once again, you provide us a great video and resource. Thank you so much. She is so uplifting.

Lesley, sometimes we have to sink low for a bit and in that time, we find ways to rise up again. Our bodies/minds/spirits, have to give in to the grief in this way I believe, to be immersed for a time...I feel we often find nuggets of knowledge in those sunken days. You will find your way back to ground level.

 

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We are changed by the birth of our Children and of course by their death. We are changed, and so we find in our new selves what we can salvage of our spirit and what we can add anew. It is a long process, but all things that are worthy of our time are good endeavors.

 

Mining for treasures

A sleepless night,

I become a miner for sleep, searching for the right spot,

the right position, the right dream,

but keep coming up empty

so I decide to get up and try to string my words together

like semi-precious stones;

 

Citrine and green amber,

jade and carnelian,

capturing the absolute essence of the moments that created their color

their luster.

Circumstance under the earth-

metamorphic mysteries changing one thing into another through heat and pressure.

Heat and pressure, like grief and joy-

that which causes humans to morph,

 

 

those moments that caused us to change from one person into another.

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THANKX FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART DEE & EVERYONE HERE.  

THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE PEOPLE CAN SHARE ALL THE GOOD BAD AND UGLY AND BE VULNERABLE AND NOT BE KICKED IN THE ❤️ Or made to feel like a crazy person

and Dee ~ I am always a little barsed when I share my own pain But motivates me to know it helps 

people    

Rainie

 

 

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Tommy's mum
2 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

  We'll hang on but need to remember that you cannot erase an emotional memory. We just have to figure how to handle it when those memories surface.  We will.  That is why we have each other in this group.

Thanks for everyone's kind wishes, it helps to feel less alone when you crumble a bit.

 

 

 

Rainie you do have a way with words even though you have told us you have dyslexia and other disabilities, your words ring true. I hope you find your kind of people in the group. We will still be here for you. That photo made me cry it is so poignant. Been doing a fair bit of that recently. i have some disabilities too and it is interesting to see how people react. Most people are very kind if they see me struggling and will offer help but the other day a man shouldered past me so hard I fell into a supermarket chilled display, never stopped or apologised.

 

4 hours ago, ericasmom said:

We are changed by the birth of our Children and of course by their death. We are changed, and so we find in our new selves what we can salvage of our spirit and what we can add anew. It is a long process, but all things that are worthy of our time are good endeavors.

True words Dee thanks. I will find my way back to ground level again just feeling more fragile at the moment. Also love your poem.

 

 

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Thanks Lesley, I know that you will find your way to where you feel your strengths again, we really need to be miners I think, allowing ourselves that look deep down at our timelines, our lifelines. Yes, it can cause more tears, but those tears are necessary to our lives too.

Rainie, your life has seen so many hardships, calling them out is not a pity party but an acknowledgement of truth...do we find ourselves in our stories? Yes, we do, we find that we are still working through each day best we can. I hope that the group you found will be a great fit for your needs and please know, that your presence there and here is going to help others too. Yes, your words and thoughts and energy are a boost to other parents. I agree with Dianne, your entries here are allowing others to know you and your Boys. You have a voice here and it is listened to.

Dianne, I know that being in the mountains must have been hard on your physical selves, though I know that being with your Daughter and Grandgirl must have filled you in ways that nothing else can. As Michael's birthday comes closer, hold on...your Sweet Son is holding you too. There is nothing easy about this...sometimes we have to simply allow our sadness and grief. It is a fact of our lives, and some days we can keep it all woven together in the new cape we wear, but other days, the threads need to unravel. Just remember it is not weakness that find us in deep grief, we are the strongest people having lived one day beyond our Child/Children. Hold onto that thought because our Children are rooting for us to find new ways to live well. Our biggest cheerleaders.

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This will always be part of giving & receiving support

and I like the statement here that says

it helps us feel less alone when we crumble a bit :) 

so true ~~

rainie

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Mermaid Tears

I saw this on FB....and I thought of the parents on this site whose child died of overdose....so many parents are walking in your shoes...

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Tommy's mum

mermaidtears I saw that sad sad story too on FB and the fact you shared it to show support for parents going through the same ordeal is thoughtful. Sometimes kids think they are just smoking weed when in fact it has been laced with something else much stronger just to get kids hooked. It is a sick and evil thing to do, and I hope they catch the dealers and charge them with murder.

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Such a poignant reminder...thanks Susan.

I hope you and Gretchen are both safe after the tornadoes that ripped a path of destruction in Oklahoma and Texas.

Rain and more rain here, we are to have between 2-6 inches by end of today. Goodness knows our yard is a pond. My husband has to keep trying to fix the pump he hooked up a few years ago when the rains started to flood our yard. We are the lowest point on our block, so we get the runoff from everyone else. It is only 48 and rainy and cold.

 

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Mermaid Tears

We are fine in this part of Texas....but Canton, Texas was hit hard with tornadoes...and 5 died. Very sad. See many parts are dealing with heavy snow and heavy rains. It is very cool here.

With this horrific epidemic of drugs...and deadly ones at that...I have also wondered about the drug dealers....there is so much $$$ involved...they won't quit til they are caught..and there will be 10 more to take their place. The war on drugs was lost many years ago....there is now a drug dealer on every corner. Drugs are so lethal and addictive now that a person can take a drug just ONE time...and it can alter the chemicals in their brain...that is how potent the chemistry of the drugs has changed and evolved. I do believe that the stance to bring about more change will have to happen on a committed community level. People will have to band together ...residents...community leaders...school officials...law enforcement...in a town/community to save their little part of the world...and their children.

I have always thought that for the parent of a child in addiction is like watching that child slowly fall over a high cliff....your arms aren't strong enough to catch them...your feet can't run fast enough to reach them.

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i just told my sister that she is living in this kind of hell, each day wondering if Matt will be alive or dead when she returns from work. It is destroying her and he seemingly cannot do a thing about it, has been in rehab three times. so so sad. None of us can have him in our homes as he steals from us all. He is 27 and a ghost of who he was before heroin.

I am saddened for the folks whose lives were affected by the tornadoes but I am glad that you are safe Susan.

 

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tobyfreefoot

Ugh I am so far behind in reading. As I skim thru I see too many new names but want to welcome you here with open arms and hope you all find the same love, comfort and understanding I have found here. Know that we have all been in that deepest pit and loneliest hour and that our love stands with you in that darkness. It is all we can do but I have found that these parents just being there for me has helped me as I screamed and rolled and raged. They listened and cared and that has made a difference and I hope it will for you also.

Laurie I copied your list. Looking for enlightenment always. 

<3<3<3

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A few poems that I wrote many years ago...perhaps they will offer something to those new here.

 

Who have I become?

 

 

I am an empty vessel.

I am a dry riverbed right now, just stones and wisps of once greened plants, dry and forlorn, windblown and forgotten.

I am a place that feels barren and isolated by all that has been lost and while much had been cultivated and grown in that space, in that time, it feels beyond my grasp now.

I can’t see it through the salt-river that runs from me.

 I feel like that hollow stem I spoke of when she first left, the stem of a dahlia, hollow and stiff.

 Tension coursing through me like a white water, and killing everything in its path-caustic river.

I know that I will not always be as I am now, one day I will be green again, with purpose-

filled with life and hope again, and the dust will be swept away by a cleansing breeze of rebirth, of new starts, I will shake free,

but today, yesterday too, perhaps for a bit of time, I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer.

 

 

The mere notion of you

I am a dry riverbed now,

no water, no life,

no movement-

not always-

but right now,

yes.

 

I’ve used up my resources-

Replenishing has become a slow process.

Might I feel movement in my spirit again?

No time frame available for loss.

Only time.

 

But the mere notion of you,

Does cause a flutter

Does inspire-

Today

 

 

 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thank you Wade, Dee and Becky for sharing the poems.

Wade, what a treasure to have such a poem/song written by Brooks, it has a certain calling to it. I think of the picture that you posted of the deer beside Brook's site. I too have a hard time with looking at some of Jesse's stuff. It is hard to -- and hard to accept he is "gone ahead". 

Tinay, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, Kiona. I looked at your posts and saw her pic, what a beautiful girl.

Sandy, good to see your post. And Colleen too. Gretchen, may you find the book list meaningful. 

Tommy's Mom, thanks for the screen shots. "That desperation of wanting to feel his hug and hear his laugh, to see his face and be with him" so true.

I am behind reading here as I was at my mom's all week and had to work the last few days.

So sending out gentle thoughts to all who have visited this site. Prayers for restful sleep. 

 

 

 

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It makes me so angry, when I see or read things on Facebook or other media like the one Mermaid tears posted here. I deleted my FB account 3 month ago. This drug business is getting so bad everywhere , in Germany too. I see all the pain drugs cost to all them people taking drugs or never had anything to do with drugs , is so sad. I never thought my son's death had to do with drugs. He just was thirsty , being at a birthday party , had a sip of .....what he thought was just lemonade.....,unknown there was methadone in it . two more kids drunk from it, they spit it out, cause it tasted so nasty, but my son swallowed it already. They didn't know what they drunk, so later they went to sleep and my son never walk up after that. If one of them boys wouldn't have told us that the one boys mother is a drug addict, getting of the drugs with methadone , we never would known. We went to the police and they did an autopsy and they found methadone in his blood. After 3 month , the police investigation still going on , because they didn't found the bottle with the methadone in it. That woman had to much time , while everything happend to get rit of that bottle. So the police has just the boys story........I didn't even know before what methadone was , that it was a drug or what one use  it for. Now I know a lot about drugs. One get involved in it , even one has nothing to do with it....you know what I'm saying ! This drug business got out of hand a long time ago, the government should spend a lot of money in police, drug prevention ect., what they sure don't do here in Germany.

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Silky

i. Too.  Do not see the need to post the grafgic things that just recently were posted showing drug industry things.  What was the point to add to our already suffering parents when chikd had died no matter the ways.   I mean I'd never show a knarled car reck with a dead body in it here!!!

the fact we lost our child is enough to post.    I comment u for stating this.    Rainie

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Mermaid Tears

I fail to see what I posted as 'graphic'....I posted a plea from a parent to warn others about what happened to her son....we have many parents on this site whose child died from an overdose...and I was reaching out to them to let them know that many walk in their shoes.

Rainie..and Silky....what graphic thing did you see that I posted....and please be specific in what did I post showing drug industry things.

I have never 'added suffering' to any parent on this site....

I am really getting very tired of being attacked on this site...

 

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Sorry just saying how it came across so maybe the hint would come thru.    That's all.  Others also were just saying ~~<

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