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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...I take the AZO in the morning and it does not create frequency...just keeps all in balance.

 

Bob....please do care for yourself....I can see where a parent could 'white wash' their child after losing them. My Grampa use to say...'Do not speak ill of the dead'...but...to keep oneself in balance and truth I think it is healthy to see things the way they are...instead of the way you would like them to be. You keep your sanity that way. I do know you loved your boy....and that is the most important truth to hold near your heart. My Dad told me ..(after I had my first child, my daughter) that there is no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect child but unconditional love will make the wrong right. In the midst of raising 6 children...one girl...5 boys...those words really became a big truth for me.

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tobyfreefoot

Just dropping in for a second to say I saw the angel lady again with forest's best friend Susan. Sure enough she said sharp and Evans together. She said young man circling mothers day on a calendar and floating lots of hearts then a whole line of hearts like in a text. Then said something about an f and that some older relatives or something were having trouble keeping up with him but having lots of fun. I Had written about how hard it is for me with kids bypassing his age. Then some older men  with him laughed saying I'm getting older too. Laughing not at my wrinkles couldn't see them just because I was getting older too. Made some sense considering what I wrote. Afterwards Susan had me come to her car. She presented me with this portrait she had commissioned. I immediately started sobbing because it is about life size and the eyes are so perfect it was like looking right at him oh and it has been so long since I looked in his eyes. I hung it in my studio where I can "be with" him everyday

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tobyfreefoot

Bob I know I tend to glorify my son when it of course was not all good but that is the part my heart remembers because I love him so. One day I made a casual comment about him to my middle son who just looked at me and said "forest was an asshole" I was taken aback but then just laughed and said "yeah" made me realise that I probably represent him as an angel when in real life he was not and also his relationship with his siblings was far different than mine. He demonstratively loved me fiercely but the siblings had lots of ups and downs though he loved them dearly and visversa Your clearer perception of your son as a con but not the devil makes it easier to remember him as he was. I have known and lived with my share of psychopaths myself and have witnessed first hand the destruction they leave in their wake, but somehow they never become unlovable. I never could figure if that was their true selves I loved or they were conning me always. I am so glad your last time together was loving.

Tommy's mum I have the exact same issues with my other 3.

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Gretchen, that protrait is gorgeous and wow, so glad to hear that the angel-lady continues to be a piece of your healing. Wonderful. Good to know that you are out there Girl.

Bob, so your Son Jake was not always on the up and up, your heart still holds him as it always did. I think sometimes when we see some truths that are less than pretty, less than what pictures we painted, we feel cheated, angry. Anger is part of losses like ours. We get angry at the many aspects of their lives and subsequent loss. Its okay though, in fact it is normal in this new world that feels anything but normal. Try drinking your lemonaid without the vodka until you are finished with your antibiotics...allows the antibiotics to have their full strength. As far as your ex and older Son and all the aggravation, time may help this too, maybe. It may be that you have to clear the air with them, but it also may be that not answering their calls is message enough.

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Well done, Harry, William and Kate. It's about time that people started to speak up openly about depression. It's about time that people broke down these walls of ignorance. It takes courage and strength to be the first to step up to the plate. Maybe now the next generation will not be as stigmatized about talking openly of their feelings. Kudos to you all!

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WHOO-HOO to Lady Gaga as well, yes, the talk is finally happening, and these folks who are young and have been affected by mental illness are leading the way to helping the world know that it is OKAY to need help to get through hard times, or a rough life. I agree 100% Kate.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Silke, I did a lot of lounging around the first 2 years in my pajamas...my energy has come back slowly through it is not at the level it once was. 

Wendy, sending gentle thoughts to  you...at times there is only that deep soul pain, and not much more than rest and waiting seems to make it pass. 

Gretchen, beautiful picture of Forest...

Susan, I just got done with drinking my sisters concoction of lemon juice, home squeezed ginger juice, tumeric, cayenne pepper and a bit of black pepper...I know it is good for a person once they can choke it down...maybe Bob should give this a try.

:Lu Ann, I think that loss of identity is very common...we were our children's mom for how long, and now that huge chunk of our life is changed...I will say, that unless a parent goes through this, they are just guessing as to how bad it can be. It is hard not to be resentful at times of this dismissiveness...

Today being a Wednesday was just a bad day, just mad, mad, mad at the universe, at the idiot who ran him over...then I saw a volkswagen passat today...I owned one that he and I were working on the year that he passed...I remember how we took the trip over to a neighboring town that early spring...it was a beautiful world then...I think my coming up on my birthday it is just kicking my a**.

Bob, you might get a kick out of the pic below...one of his inventions...

 

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Bob, there are some bugs that need to be run out of town, pneumonia is one of them, I needed the meds and it still took a long while to feel good. I wish you healing.

Laurie, the photo you posted is amazing. I think that your Jesse had one hell of a sense of humor and obviously, creative in his endeavors. What fun. Wow, that drink you had sounds like it was hard to drink, but probably will knock any bugs out of the system. I am sorry that you are blue, but I sure do get it.

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Mermaid Tears
16 hours ago, Jesse David & Taylor Mom said:

...

 

Laurie...could not 'see' what was in this message....your drink sounds like it is a super detoxify drink...I also sprinkle cayenne pepper in mine...also...I forgot to mention I take a probiotic each day....and eat yogurt every morning.

How is your back ? Daniel is slowly getting better. I do understand your 'blues days'....there is always a special memory in each season...that triggers such a longing and yearning...wish we could time travel in ways better than our memory and photos. I think we deserve to have some time off and away to ourselves ...a gift to us from ourselves for the fact that we are surviving. We have to give ourselves a pat on the back and a hug...for how we have been so very brave....for no on else is going to do it. Jesse David was so very mechanically savvy...and creative...I know you miss your boy so much.

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Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....that portrait is simply amazing...he looks like he could walk right out of it and be front and center. It also seems to have a 'voice'....and I add...what an amazing caring gift for you from someone who is very empathetic and kind.

It can get very touchy when we deal with our other children...I say...'John David is not the only child I love...he is the only child that died'....

I remember the first December without him  I said...'I don't think I will put up a tree this year'...my daughter looked like she turned pale...and said..'Mom...we didn't die'.....and that really brought me around fast....in that I would have to learn how to  'grieve and let live'....complicated situation.  A couple of weeks after that I found this site....and I learned that my grief had so many common issues...and so many of my questions were answered by parents that had similar situations with their other grown children.

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Bob-------Sure hope that you will soon shake the pneumonia. Yes---"other people" can

cause us a lot of anxiety....even family members, but I think you are doing the right

thing by just stepping back for awhile.  Sometimes, the more we try to intervene to

make our point, or bring about harmony..... the worse the situation can get, I guess

  Take care

 

Susan-----the words in so many of the screen shots you post are a big help, and

do remind us that on this lousy road we're on........."being O.K."  is good enough.

as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said------we will never get "through" losing a child, but

will live with the loss.

 

Dee-------Lovely weather here....warm....with showers off & on.   Easter was nice....

 

beautiful weather for it.  Nice visit with family:)

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND  TRANQUILITY  TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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My girl is in heaven

Hoosier guy.   I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. YOU Loved him unconditionally and im sure he knew that. Having to wait for a police investigation must be very draining. But it sounds like u are working very hard to get justice for your son.  I understand your feeling to come home from work and had no support.  Please make sure you pick good people who won't desert you.  I had a lot of support and they just went all back to their lives and left me high and dry.  You r lucky to have found this site as early as you did.  Sounds like u need to look after that pneumonia and your health.  I'm sure you r a hard worker but may need to take some time off and look after yourself.  U have so many weights to carry and losing a child is enough with out all the other things u have going on.  Take care

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JD's Mom, Becky

Please pray for the Tennessee family that has had a 14 year old boy and his grandmother that fell into a fast flowing Creek in Grand Canyon national Park. They've called off the search today after searching since last Saturday. The mom of the 14 year old is a friend of  my niece. I am just sick thinking of the poor mom of this boy who watched as her son and her mother in law slipped and fell. The mom and her father-in-law had made it across. 

How many times have I wished I could have been with my son when he died, and now I'm thinking that witnessing it and not being  able to do anything about it would be another added layer of grief, and a memory that would haunt you forever.

Thanks Kate and others for the skatepark suggestion, but there is already a skatepark in our town, where Jared often skated. He was not in habit of skating on our rural roadway, and I guess I'll have to wait for heaven to know why he did that night! What we have done was to fight DelDot to reduce our speed limit, which we were finally successful with after two years, and also undertook the Adopt a Highway program on our road, where we pick up trash every quarter and they put a sign at each end of our road with his name and the Adopt a Highway on them. I also made two 4 foot billboards and put them at each end our road to try to discourage speeding. Will try to find those pics to share.

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Tommy's mum

Becky that is awesome changing speed limits and the signs. Parents can make a difference even while grieving for the benefit of others. It must b strange seeing your sons face every day on a sign but also comforting that he is watching over others safety. When my son was in the papers and on the news and online it was very painful but then that was when it was all new. Then in Jan this year it was repeated after Tommy s inquest and it still felt a bit shocking. Maybe I still spend time pushing stuff down to be able to cope daily. I have done lots of therapy which was v helpful.

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Becky, changing the speed limits and signs are a really helpful way to bring about positive change in safety for those travelling on those roads. Good for you! Awesome pictures of Jared as well! How is your eye doing? Hopefully it is starting to heal nicely.

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic accident and death of your friends. As far as being with our child at the exact time of their death...well, as a parent we all want to be with them to the end. As we all know that is not always the case. It can be very traumatizing to witness their passing. My husband and I are still pushing that night back in our head. My husband still feels him take his last breath as he passed away while doing CPR. It was just horrible. We focus on the wonderful memories that we have of him over his years and try to push that horrible night into the background. You can never really process it properly... and so why try? Just know that Jared is now in a awesome place of peace and love. 

I am beyond proud of the Royals and Lady Gaga for coming forward and openly lifting that veil of secrecy from the stigma that surrounds mental health issues regarding depression. After all, who has not over their life time suffered in some way... but was afraid to speak up for fear of being considered weak, or not quite up to snuff. This can be a time for huge change to take place. Why not now? When could it be a better time? People need to know that there is help out there and they do not need to face ridicule and shame if they do seek it. I hope that this cause that they are pushing will only continue to grow with support from those that will gain the courage when they see they are not alone. Strength comes in numbers after all!

We are enjoying a beautiful sunny day today. I can't wait for that lake to warm up to be able to walk along the shore in my bare feet. Wishing you all a truly peaceful day. Love to All, Kate :)

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Becky. What a wonderful thing you have done.  I'm sure those signs of your precious Jared turn lots of heads and make people think about their speed.  I too will have to wait til heaven to find out why Kira did not come down for breakfast first before she had her shower like she usually did.  Why that cardiac arrhythmia didnt happen right before or after the shower when we would have had a chance to save her. I agree with jeffs mom and Tommys mom, sometimes I just have to stuff those memories down.  I played that day in my head a million times. Sorry to hear about the Tennessee family.  So sad to think of all the heartbreak they have to endure.  I continue to stay on my couch everyday, always thinking tomorrow i may feel a little bit better, but I never do.  Reading all of your posts give me hope though.  Thanks for sharing.  

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Tommy's mum

Kate I agree with your comment on the Royals and Lady Gaga lifting away the veil of secrecy over depression an anxiety. The more people know about it hopefully the more educated they will become and more accepting. I hope that those suffering in silence because they are ashamed of not coping will step forward and accept help it will the best thing not just for themself but also for their families. Depression is very often not diagnosed and suicide is a very real problem that can come  along with it. This then causes a rebound effect on the grieving family left behind, they are bewildered and confused and angry and feel guilt that they did not see it coming. Coming forward and getting the help is a massively important positive step forward, it takes courage. The royal family are very human now because of Princess Diana's determination to bring up her boys in the real world and not a world apart as had happened previously. She was instrumental into bringing the Royal family up to date and more approachable, with kindness, love and the compassion for other people. William, Kate and Harry i feel will be wonderful Royals as they had a much better example of a normal loving family unlike their father Charles. Public figures whether they are Royal, pop stars, sport stars, movie stars etc can help enormously using their fame positively to highlight real issues that the public face on an everyday basis. Knowledge is power.

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Lou Ann, my point is that you must not stuff the memories down. We need to find the strength to face them slowly with help... and then using the tools we build... we learn to move forward. I do not push that night away. I have just learned after a long time that I try very hard to focus on more positive  memories. I know that is the way he would want it for us. I love the fact that they are speaking out. I wish they were here to give them a huge HUG! Tommy's Mom...I agree completely. Using your celebrity status to make positive change is a valuable and worthwhile cause. Their mother would be so very proud of them...as am I.

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Becky, I am so sorry for your friends, to have lost their boy that way is just too terrible. We know what they must endure now. To witness that loss is just too sad and too painful. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. As for you, I remember when you were able to get that speed changed in your area, and we celebrate that change because you fought long and hard to secure it. How are you feeling?

Kate, glad that it is sunny and warm at your home, today  we are much chillier than it has been, high 40's right now and cloudy Tomorrow, it will be a bit warmer and then Sunday back to the 60's which I adore. Enjoy the springtime delights.

Sherry, you probably won't get this chilly from this weather pattern because you are further south than we are. I hope your flowers are springing up and the birds are busy.

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My girl is in heaven

Hoosier guy.  So sorry your plans didn't work out tonight. I have given up on all my so called friends except one.  R u watching the hockey play offs. I'm from Canada so of course I'm watching.  Please never feel u r alone.  That's the only thing I have learned for sure is that we r not alone in our suffering.  U should not have to take dog pills.  Please look after your health.  It must be hard waiting for your justice for your son, but I'm sure it will come.  Please be kind to yourself. U r dealing with so much right now.  

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Rainie, I have not met  you yet, that I remember anyhow. There are however, a few days a month that I may not visit and perhaps you have posted and I missed you. I have been here nearly 14 years, my Daughter was killed in Kalamazoo, Michigan when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing. It will be 14 years this July. I see beneath your name that you have lost two children...goodness knows that your heart has been busted up too much. We have several other parents here who have lost two kids over the years. I am truly sorry.

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Bob, alone tonight but not forever. I agree, your friend should have said no, she has other plans, but a lot of folks don't know what to say half the time...No more dog pills. Please go to the doctor to get some help with your pain and your tension. Have you ever had an intensive therapeutic massage...it hurts but it gets to the crux of the issue. Yes, you balance but we get off kilter in grief, your health matters. I would like to think that Little Dude Grandson, will get to know you one day, and it would be nice if you were in good shape and healthy...good for you both.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ericasmom

thank you for ur careing words

they mean alot

i know they come from ur heart

RAiNiE

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Tommy's mum

Louann I have been through a lot of therapy and still am so when I said I stuff my feelings down I meant occasionally just to postpone them. I am not able to work because of my mental health and a disability so have the time to reflect and sort my head out the next day. keeping feelings hidden is not good for your mental health everyone needs someone to talk to. Wish we had the playoffs here in the UK I miss watching the Philadelphia Flyers, and both my girls played on the school ice hockey team.

Bob just do what you gotta do to keep yourself sane as long as its legal! Dog pills not a great idea, sorry you did not have the help from the VA I think they are overwhelmed with PTSD victims and the number of pain pill addicts due to their war injuries. There never seems enough resources to treat everyone. It is the same here in the UK however at least medical treatments are free thank goodness. If I still lived in PA I would be homeless and broke after all the surgeries I have had. Laying back and letting what will be will be sounds reasonable, some people just hang themselves with their words and actions, and truth will eventually come out.

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Tommy mom. I don't think of that day as often anymore but when I do I try to block it out.  I have been telling that story for 5 1/2 years now to my bereaved moms group and chaplain/therapist and just don't think I can tell it again.  But I just don't know what is wrong with me or what to do anymore. My husband and I both lost our jobs of 30 plus years because we simply could not handle our grief and lost our ability to concentrate. Employers don't care about you or the tragedy u have been thru.  We were both treated very shabily after all those years of work.  We r both a little too.old to find a new job so have had to settle for an early retirement. We have two other children who r out on their own. So we lost our child, our house, our jobs and most family and friends have all disappeared.  We wake up every day with no purpose or goals.just waiting til night time so we can talk to our kids if they r around.  It's almost four months of this continued spiral downward. I came off a pile of pills and am just on an antidepressant and sleeping pill now. I don't know whether to start another Dr or therapist (the last one sucked) and I wasted five years.  I don't know if I just need a good kick in the ass and get up  and start going again. Maybe volunteer at a shelter or something.  I have been down that long dark road where you have been, where you r sure there is only one way out. If I didn't still have my two other children and husband I would be with my daughter right now.  I don't know if I'm being lazy or am still depressed. I hate the city I live in.  Too many memories and I don't go out cause I don't want to see anyone I know. 56 is kinda old to restart your life again, but I have lost all sense of what I am even here for anymore. Maybe I should give up the counselling, just keep taking my two pills, and just keep posting here. You guys r far more help than some Dr who does have a clue what it is like to lose a child. So very let down by friends and family.  Well sorry to ramble, am just at a point that I don't think I can live like this much longer.

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Thanks Hoosier guy.  Beautiful tribute to your son.  My husband has our daughters name tattooed on his arm.  I agree, for some, like you and me, life hasn't been a bed of roses.  But your right there r no guarantees.  I just see these people with their perfect lives, who have never encountered any kind of tragedy and probably never will and wonder why the hardships don't get spread around a bit.  Some of us seem to get it all.  I too get little enjoyment out of life at all anymore and just settle for the small victories. Sounds like u didn't have much luck with therapy like me.  Honestly if they have not lost a child, how can they even have a clue?  I guess neither one of us r too old that we still can't have hope for the future.  I don't know what morels are but glad u enjoyed them. Small pleasures....i guess that's all we got.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh Lou Ann

my heart & soul goes out to you

you know. Everything you feel & even the consequences of your loss are PERFECTLY NORMAL

FOR A MOTHER LOSSING HER HEART

How does a mother go on when she's lost her heart?

like u I am on some meds

ive learns the ones that help or the ones that are worth the side effects

ive even or am learning how to talk to my phychiatrist to get the Meds that help for the ones that truly 

help me survive p,a net Earth are ones that he must write a new schrip to get the meds

he is the first professional Dr I've had and he has helped in that he empathizes and I know he cares

we have dialogs about the Meds he WILL RX for me and then doles them out stingily I feel

he is the only human who gave me the permission and affirmation in words

to find my own way and life and get outa the trap of my husbands family who have N VER SUPPORTED ME IN ANY FAMILY WAY EVEN BEFORE I LOST FIRST ONE.   THEN ANOTHER SON

since t have been seeing this Dr I have opened my eyes WIDE open to this family's fake Essex in caring

they only in word and deed care for their own kind.   I am and always be an outsider & invisable

before I lost the two sons who loved me I could put up with.  People please and appear as they wanted me to be

i learn all this how I grew up as a child who survived the horrors like a concentration camp environment is how my sister described it

i am thankful to god that I have not just took the road of bitterness and all the goes with it and one must work thru this

anyway

this site has helped me 

just recently I went thru what I call a dork night of the soul

but one person helped me with her kindness. 

I will always struggel

but  I will always also be victorious over all that would destroy me..

I know you

as I are a woman of great courage from the inside out

othetwise u would not be here.  Even today

courage is not easy.  It is a battel and some fall by the wayside

that I see why these sights are such oasises of life saving care, words of kindness and care and even sometimes

the truth that we need to help one over the hellishness of our losses

well

enought for now.  

I care,,,I have walked in ur shoes 

it's taken a long time for me to find my way thru numerous challenges of mind soul & spirit

forgive me for any and all misspells 

i am inserting

Rocky died  N a moron cycle accident

Ronnie died of suicide 

and my sons as youngsters 

RAiniE

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Lou ann and Bob, I had a marvelous therapist who never lost a child but understood loss and its affects on one's life/lives. She worked to help me discuss every aspect of Erica's life and death and worked on the whole guilt thing too. I don't think that all folks that 'get us' have to have lost someone too. I guess I have been lucky in that though I have had a lot of bad crap in my life like many of us here and everywhere. I was sexually abused by my father all of my life, and a few times by my big brother who was 9 years older than me. my parents disowned me when I finally spoke up which was when I gave birth to a girl...This is why kids rarely tell, we know that we will be let go of, I was let go of at 28...luckily I have my sisters and have since let go of my two unstable brothers. As far as perfect lives Lou ann...I do not believe anyone has that, there are always elements of folks lives that are uncomfortable or disheartening, maybe not as horrid as what we here have had to face, but nobody has a perfect life. If we were privy to those who maybe turned their backs to us, we may see that our problems emphasize their issues and make it very hard for them to balance their lives. I am not giving anyone a free card to step on us or our hearts but I think for many, they simply don't know how to talk about our loss or how to feel at all helpful or whole when near us. It does not mean it is okay, but we have a role in this too, we need to reach out to those we still want to have a relationship with and say what we are feeling. We need to make clear to those uncomfortable that we are changed the minute we have a child so of course we are changed by their deaths. We can never go back to who we were before having a child, we become parents and all of our reactions and actions have been transformed and so this is also true when we lose someone. If we are anxious and paranoid...well sure, that makes sense. But that does not mean we are not still US, we still are those people you hung out with that we raised our kids next to  yours, If my using my Child's name in many conversations, how is that different than my friends talking about their kids??? We sometimes and I know it doesn't seem fair, it is not fair, but we sometimes have to teach our friends and family how to be with us still by learning to accept our changes. I walked away from some of my old friends just because I could not take the petty **** that they felt was so important, but it was a hard thing to do...knowing that they would never understand that life is more than your affair you are having, or more than how much you spent on your shoes. As far as finding something to do: I think it is a great idea to volunteer somewhere whose purpose touches something in you: a food pantry, a dog shelter, a soup kitchen. Getting out and finding purpose gives shape to your lives, gives shape and energy to your days and we all need to feel we serve a purpose. I wish you goodness. I lost Erica when I was 47, it was summer, and went back to work when the summer was over, so after 5 weeks of grief went back to teaching, so I was lucky to have that job to return to, but I was unsure if I could still do that job, I was changed by a LOT, but that basic me was still in there, the person who loved to teach and loved to be part of a larger purpose. I am 61 now, and looking toward retirement in a couple of years, and hope to be able to volunteer in some capacity in a situation that is important in my realm. We have choices in life still, even though all of the control was taken from us when our child died, we have choices in how we manage this moment or the next, not a lot, but enough. WE can decide if and what we do with our day, and if we are lucky, we will keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Bob, I know the VA is not able to serve folks like they should with all the restrictions due to all of the crazy opiate addictions. I just don't want you to hurt yourself and of course am glad to know you are not laying in the middle of the road doing what dogs do. I got a chuckle out of that. I have lost so many friends to drugs however, and alcohol, that I just worry to hear you taking drugs that can harm you. I grew up taking drugs at a very young age, along with all the messed up kids I hung out with, lost many in my teens but later on, when I was grown and a responsible parent and teacher, some of my friends just could not shake their need for self medicating, which I get, but they are gone now.

 

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Sandy, thinking of you. You okay?

Sherry? It is soon Baby Lisa's birthday, how are you doing?

 

 

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Suffice to say that I don't think any of us have not been given a lot on our plate to deal with. Life is certainly not a walk through the tulips. I, too...can count more difficulties in my own life than I will mention on the site. I find that when I am at my lowest I look no further than to others that are giving it their best shot to rise above their adversity. The level of courage that some people show can often bring me to tears. One young man was interviewed on the radio within the past few months that suffered a spinal cord injury. He level of optimism defined reason. Yet that kid was determined not to let himself sink into a place of no return. Given his determination he has defied all medical prognosis and is starting to improve. Go figure. The positive mind can work miracles. I have a friend that has now died that had a daughter that suffered a major stroke in her early thirties. They said she would never be able to go home. Well, "the hell with it"  she said...she is now driving her own car that HAS BEEN OUTFITTED for her disability. She volunteers with other stroke victims. She has lost herself in helping others and is now remarried and living a happy life. Miracles do happen. You have to dig deep down within to rid yourself of your inner anger and hatred. Let go of animosities and let life fall into place. Nobody said it was easy. We have to challenge ourselves daily to face our trials. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail...or appear too. But the only failure is in NOT trying. 

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As I said...your choice. We each have to choose our own path. 

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HAVE TO HAVE HUMOR OR WHAT IS THERE???

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Hi,

Sorry I haven't been on for awhile. I have been reading and it is so, so sad we r all here. I lost my son 10 months ago and my dad 1 month ago and now my emotions are numb. I have to do everything for my dad's celebration of life and relive all the photo's etc. of 10 months ago and I can't allow myself to feel. His celebration of life is next weekend and I am doing the eulogy. I expect I may have a break down after that because for the last month I have not allowed myself to grieve anyone. I don't know how I am able to do this but I feel a break down coming and I sure hope it is not too ugly. 1 more week and I can grieve my son again, I miss being able to grieve him. Sounds weird because is messed up.

What I can say about my readings is this. It doesn't matter how we lost our child but the fact that we did and we can't change it. So everyone need to forgive and be forgiven for something and work hard on this one because it is harder than it sounds. If we can manage to do this we will have less stress. Stress will kill us as we all know. We all need to take care of our health now!!! I have realized this and I want to be alive for my husband and my children. I am going to fight this with all my mite to survive this nightmare.

Nobody is going to come to our house and help us, we need to help ourselves. Get out there and call your friends that you have. Forgive them if they didn't call. Maybe they r waiting for you to call. This is what I have started to do. Since my dad died nobody has called because they don't know what to do or say. It feels like they think I'm a freak, but this is not true. They too will have to deal with death and they just don't get it, but they know it is coming as their parents age. Still nothing like a son or daughter's  loss. I am planning a golf tournament for my son's 1 year and planning on making this a yearly event for people to get together and talk about my son and don't forget him and maybe we can raise money for a local charity and collect clothes for the homeless. On every occasion I buy things for my son's spot on his tiny piece of property that he owns now. I shop for him and somehow fill every occasion with him. I can't get anything out of sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself. What I can't control if functioning the way I used to, but I know if I keep forcing myself to do things this will probably return, at least I hope so. Be easy on yourselves and get out there and get help if you need it and see people. Your body needs it and make new friend if need be. Forgive some of your friends and trash a couple if you need to but replace them with better ones. Don't waste time, we might not have very much of it. Take Care!!!Also take care of the kids you still have and try to understand them, everyone is dealing differently and nobody is the same. Time to appreciate the kids & family we still have. FORGIVE!! DO IT FOR YOU!!!

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My girl is in heaven

Rainie.  Thank you for your kind words.  I cant begin to express the pain and sorrow I feel for you.  You suffered enough as a child but then to have two children taken away. Incomprehensible.  I am glad you found a good doctor.  They r rare.  I hope u have got rid of in-laws or found a way around them.  U do not deserve to be treated that way.  I don't know where u get your courage from but you r truly a shining example for all of us.  Your boys were very nice looking and im sure were just as incredible on the inside.  So you have two surviving children i take it from your picture?  Thank you for giving me some hope. Again I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boys.  Hugs. 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Eric as mom.  I am truly sorry for the horrible abuse you suffered as a child.  You had already had your share of heartache before u even lost your child.  That is way too much for one person to handle.  And yet u grew up to be a teacher and caring mother. I am glad u found a good Dr.  I don't think there r any where i live. All my siblings, people I used to work with and any one I still know from high school all have perfect homes, spouses, children, grandchildren, etc.  Unless they r hiding things very well, they all have perfect lives. It's hard for me not to compare myself. But like i said to bob, i just take comfort in simple pleasures anymore. im afraid I will never be able to have a relationship with most friends and family again.  I just cannot get past that they simple don't care.  Some hung on a little longer than others  but for one sister, all the rest are pretty much gone.i don't want to be angry though cause that is just one more negative feeling I have to deal with. I'm glad u have your sisters in your life.  I'm so glad I found all of you.  Thanks for sharing with me. And again am sorry for all the pain u have endured. If u have survived all u have perhaps I can too.  

 

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My girl is in heaven

Hoosier guy.  Thanks for reminding me of others suffering.  I'm truly sorry for all your friends.  I sometimes get so lost in my own sorrow.  At this web site we r all suffering the most painful loss of all.  And it does help me to know that I am not alone in my grieving.  You all r walking the same walk.  Hope your chicken was good.  I guess I'm the only one who has nothing better to do on a Saturday night than yap.  

 

 

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Lou Ann

it blesses me to know that on some way my words help you along the way.   That's why we need each other

i feel I know the only God who can bring good outa impossible life tragedies. 

Its difficult for me each day even tho it's been long enough since my losses that I can share and talk

even so I have to for myself thru each dayschallenges.   

And yes

i amfinding my way to freedom from the nightmare of my husbands family

dan has not lost his children 

and they are as distant from me as the rest of his family although for years I loved them as I do everyone I think are my friends

i am thankful even so for them and the grandkids

ive known dans three kids since the oldest was 9

i am thankful I only have to see them at Christmas and a few things times a year

it is hard seeing his family honor and pamper and remember dan at all the right times while I am only tilerated

anyway

i am sure we all have similar rxperiences

withoutmy Ronnie @ Rocky 

life is mostly just tolerable

mu ither two went the way of their biological dad and are virtual strangers

i have done all I can to change it

tjey only want to use me. 

And homestly

o would not let them on my house

kust the facts.    

 

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Tommy's mum

Louann it is the case of finding the right therapist and maybe your counselling started before you were ready and mentally fit to participate fully. I get Bobs comment about 25 year olds but mine was a fantastic lady in her 50's who just "got" me. When you get the right one you know because it feels safe to open up and be vulnerable. This site offers help non judgementally so if this is all you can manage its ok for now just keep posting and reading, the folks here are all supportive and kind. Taking pleasure is simple things is key to coming back after a death. That is why some people talk about their gardens or Nature etc or a hobby they have taken up. It's not trivia it is showing we can get up and take life by the balls again a step at a time, get out in the real world and make a small difference. It is thawing out after being frozen by grief, taking a small interest in something again and going with it. As for family and friend relationships we are all different, they are not always people we would have chosen we just happen to be related. Very often people walk away because as grieving parents we drive them away albeit accidentally. We become totally absorbed for a period of time as we try and heal and some people dont have the patience to wait until we re emerge. The power of our grief is horrifying to some and they feel helpless to deal with it so they back away. the relationships worth saving are those you know to be real and can be reconnected in time. It is ok to apologise and say"I know I lost my mind and I was just crazed with grief and I have not been able to be there for you or be around people but thank you for your patience and I would like us to reconnect again. I am not the same person I was but i am trying to get to grips with the **** that was dropped into my life and that was extremely hard." Honesty works and if someone walks away after you said that well it was not meant to be. We all lose relationships.

Dee I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child and thank you for being brave enough to talk about it. I agree that finding something to help others gives us the kick in the backside to get back into living which sometimes we need after being so introspective. It takes bravery to put yourself out there and volunteer etc esp as some people have already lost their confidence after being forced out of jobs, but I think it is a great step in the right direction. Finding a purpose says it all.

Bob you can be a jerk as you said yourself. Humour can get you out of a hole but can also offend. I hear pain behind your anger and defensiveness and see you deliberately poking to get a reaction from others. Not the best coping strategy but I guess it works for you. i am not judging nor criticising you just making you aware. this site is for all of us wounded warriors warts and all and we try to help each other. i guess I would like to see your softer side, maybe some memories that make you happy thinking about your Jake, the things you did together when he was younger, the things you had in common etc.

Cher I appreciated your insights, It has only been a short while since you lost your child but you seem to be doing well. No breakdown just a bump in the road we all have them. dust yourself off tell yourself you will be ok and keep on going one day at a time.

11 hours ago, Jeff's Mom said:

 

. You have to dig deep down within to rid yourself of your inner anger and hatred. Let go of animosities and let life fall into place. Nobody said it was easy. We have to challenge ourselves daily to face our trials. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail...or appear too. But the only failure is in NOT trying. 

True words Jeffsmom!

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

To my son in heaven;

21 years ago today, we were heading out to the hospital to await your birth!    If I could wind back time and do it over again, I would, just to have you here with us. We are so thankful for the time we did have though;  so many beautiful memories. Now we count each sunset as one day closer to seeing you again in heaven. Watch the sky today as we will be sending you some balloons!! We love and miss you so much Jared, our beautiful angel in heaven, forever 15. Happy Birthday !! 

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Happy Heavenly Birthday JARED, you beautiful Boy.

May there be plenty of music to fill your ever-loving soul and may all of our Babies surround you in a joyous celebration of who you are and who you will always be.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....sending you hugs...we know how this day has many layers of memories and emotions...please...keep taking care of the take care for your health issues....we want to see you thriving again. I also want to say that because you have been so ill....and so still...and so vulnerable...I think that is why Jared can touch you with his messages..signs....just like when one is asleep...the veil lifts and one can be open....I hope you get one today.

Becky....here are some photos of our new little man...I watched him on Friday and took these photos...he is the happiest little fellow..although now he is becoming quite the 'chunker' like his Uncle Hunter Bear...

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HAPPBIRTHDAY, JARED,

Becky, thinking of you today on this special day as you remember that wonderful day your sweet young man came into your life. Beautiful pictures. Thanks for sharing.

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Susan, will you just look at the smile on that little doll, What a cutie pie. 

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lou Ann ~

this thought came as I read one of Tommys moms resonses~

remember

you have suffered a tramatic wound to your body soul and spirit

you should be in the hospital hooked up to life support machines & covered in bloody bandages

but your not

your convelesing and everones healing takes as long as I takes and even look differently 

and just because it looks like or even feels like your not progressing

the healing starts from the INSDE OUT

SO A LOT IS GOING ON UNDERGROUND

AND IN THIS ORIGRESS IS WIRKING THRU AND WALKING THRU ALL THE GREIF BRINGS

EVEN THE FEELINGS OF HURT PAIN RAGE BITTERNESS ECT

THEY ARE AL PART AND NESSESSARY FOR US TO FEEL LOOK AT AND ADDRESS so that we can move beyond

even tho lotsa u'ds walk in the same shoes each shoe is a different size color style ect

be genteel with urself even as you walk in & thru the night

Rainie

 

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My girl is in heaven

Becky.  Happy birthday to your beautiful boy in heaven.  If we could only turn the clock back u r right.  My daughter was two years older than your Jared. Her birthday was January and struck pretty hard for us this year.  Wishing you the strength to get thru today.  The pictures are beautiful. 

Tommys mom and rainie.  Thank you both for your kind and caring words.  I know I have to do some real soul searching as I am living in a nightmare right now that just won't end.  Thank you all for sharing. 

The body of a toddler was found in Edmonton today.  They have made an arrest but they don't know who the baby belongs to yet.  Yet another set of parents to enter this long and painful road of grief.  

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Lou Ann, I saw that on the National last night. Poor little tyke. Behind a church... or parking lot by a church? Hope they catch whoever did this.

I just wanted to say that when I mentioned yesterday that it is important to let go of anger that I was in no way trying to diminish the horrible loss that people have suffered. While I know that anger is natural at the beginning... it can become like a disease after a while and eat us alive. It is definitely soul destroying. After a time we can use it as a crutch and we can not move forward in a positive way.  We then become bitter and filled with misery. Bob, I hope they find who did this to your son. I also hope that you will try to find another therapist that you can relate to in a better way. I hope you will be able to ditch the recreational drugs and stick to those that have been prescribed by your Doc. There is a softer side to you I am sure. That is the side that your new grandson will hopefully be a part of. Good luck.

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