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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Thanks to all for your kind words. My perfectly healthy 17 year old daughter got into the shower one Sunday morning and did not come back out alive. I was washing my kitchen floor and taking piles of laundry upstairs and noticed her clothes laid out on her bed and the shower running.  At one point while I was washing my floor I heard a thud.  I paused and didn't hear anything more so I didn't think anything more of it. In going up stairs at one point I thought she had been in there awhile and perhaps she had come out and one of her brothers was in there. I quickly checked both my boys rooms to find they were in their rooms.i started pounding on the door calling her name and got no answer.  My son came running out and got the lock open and we found her in the tub   she was already gone.  The official cause of death was accidental drowning but one Dr thinks it was probably a cardiac arrhythmia.  If I had of responded to that thud I heard I maybe could have saved her.  I will always live with that guilt.  This is so difficult to tell this story.  In fact I think this may be the last time I ever tell it.  I go see a chaplain for counselling and go to a moms bereavement group and have been telling my story for over five years.  But I can never tell it without breaking down.  I feel safe telling all of you.  My precious kira was the kindest kid u could ever ask for.  She was always helping people.  She excelled in school and sports and was loved by so many.  Two nights before she died she told me she wanted to be a social worker.  I just want to trade places with her so bad.  When she needed me the most I let her down and will ever have to live with that.  This is so hard.  I can't text anymore.  But the world should know what a special girl she was just like all of your kids.

  

 

 

 

 

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Lou Ann, I am so sorry for the pain you have in your heart, in your life/lives. I truly believe that your Girl left before the thud, the arrhythmia taking her swiftly and without a single warning. There have been other parents here whose Child/teen left in the same way, walking to the car and down on the ground- gone. No warning, nothing that anyone could do...also thought to be arrhythmia. In fact one young lady was the same age as your Girl when she died. How have your Boys been since that time? Have they gone to therapy and have they found ways to live with purpose? The fact that you are crying when you tell the story is a very normal piece of this. I think telling Kira's story is good for you...Kira was a kind person who excelled in school and sports...she was a loving person...sounds like Kira loved her life with you and her brothers. It sounds like you provided her a good life. Of that you must know...she deeply appreciates. I am so sorry for the loss of your Sweet Kira...she will always be your Girl. Nothing can take that from you. And I would bet that she proudly looks at you and says, " that's my Mom."

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Tommy's mum

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Louann telling your story is so important. Keep retelling it because you need to get that anger guilt and sorrow out. It is ok to cry and keep breaking down we all do that is part of the healing process. Don't punish yourself it was a tragic act of Nature an unseen cardiac arrythmia and she would not have known a bit about it. She would have just suddenly consciousness and slipped away peacefully. Unless you had a defibrillator in your house there would have been NO chance at all to save her, and even a defibrillator can only work on certain types of arrythmias, so even that is not a certain treatment. You had no chance of saving her, even if you had been there sooner it would have made NO difference, I am so,so sorry. Please stop beating yourself up, don't cover yourself in guilt,  there is no need.  please just concentrate on getting yourself better and looking after your other children, because you are their mum and they need you too. kira will always be your precious daughter, she will always be by your side encouraging you and her brothers to recover from her loss. I encourage you to stay with us here on this site we will always listen to you and we all know the agony of losing a child, just post when you feel able and know you are not alone.

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My girl is in heaven

Tommys mom and Ericas mom.  Thanks for your kind and comforting words. I guess i have always thought if i had of went right up there when I heard her fall my husband could give her cpr til the fire department got there with their defibrillators. I have played it over in my head a million times.  Then it would be just like on tv where they start coughing and then are ok. You r probably right, the Dr said we also had the water working against us.  Maybe someday God will be able to tell me.  My youngest son also lost his best friend to suicide a few years ago so it has been really hard on him.  My oldest son is very strong person but neither boys or my husband talk about.  It is just too painful.  I am hoping this new antidepressant is starting to work soon.  Oh I couldnt live in the house where she died so we left our beautiful home we had built.  Sometimes I wonder if that was a mistake or not.  But I am where I am and just try to take one day at a time.  I am so glad I found you guys.  There is such a strong bond between grieving parents.  

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Lou Ann...last August I was sent for a MIBI test to detect the reason for an irregular heartbeat and shortness of breath. I was one in a million that had a very bad reaction. It is a two day test that they administer a dye and then take a scan of your heart at rest on the first day. On the second day they then administer the dye and give you a drug to accelerate the heart beat. I felt Ok for a minute then after the second drug was given I started to feel funny and faint. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back with my head down and my feet and legs raised. I don't remember several things right after that except to say that I honestly felt nothing at all. No pain at all. I just drifted off. They gave me a drug to counter the meds and when I woke up I was surrounded by a team of people. What I can tell you is this with complete certainty...there was no pain. None. 

My son died in our home. I have had many people say they could not stay under those circumstances. I however take comfort in feeling his spirit surround me. Anywhere I live I would have to live with the reality of his loss. Several years helps to soften the pain for sure. It does ease with time. Hang in there. 

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LouAnn----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Kira.  You have

found a good site where you can come and express your grief.  The guilt is

a part of the grief process, and all of us who find ourselves here, have felt it.

I think that it is, in part, because we feel so helpless with our child's death.  I,

along with Dee, have been here nearly 14 years.  People come and go on this

site,.. ....., they come as often,...or as seldom, as they wish. But

while they are here, they can feel safe in expressing their grief, confusion, despair, and

all the multitude of emotions that we have on this journey.   We understand.....because

we know the sorrow of losing a beloved child.

Please keep coming back to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).

Peace to you, friend. 

Tommysmum-----We, too, keep flowers and plants to attract butterflies, and bees. We

live in an agricultural area where heavy pesticides, and herbicides are used by the farmers.....

so we feel we need to give the bees and butterflies as much help as we can. :D

 

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Bob, we hope that the judge gets a solid conviction...I can understand this, "nothing is more demeaning than someone pissin on your leg and trying to tell you its raining .. " all to well. So many just lie lie lie, and doesn't bother them at all...we had the psychotic woman who killed my son lie her ass off in court...

Hope your bees get off to a good start...BTW my husband (also named Bob) is rooting for you...he works in the prison as a correctional sergeant and sees a lot...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

My back is slowly getting better, I will always have to be aware of the weakness in the lower region...thanks to all who asked. I want to try some gentle yoga for strengthening...I am researching Yoga poses now. 

Susan, in response to your story about your friend,  I think you are right about the grief taking her out. I have seen that myself in other forums, where all of a sudden the parent just gives out...cancer does respond to stressors...

Kate, let us see the garden once it gets redone..

Sherry, are you planning on planting anything this year? I saw some seeds the other day and thought of you...

 

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My girl is in heaven

Jeffs mom.  Thanks for sharing your experience with me. One Dr did tell me she just would have felt woozy and then lights out.  I never knew if he just told me that or not. Thats one small comfort i have is that she felt no pain.  Thanks again.

Daveydow1  thanks.  I have glumed onto anyone and anything for years to try and get the pain to go away.  I now know that that will never happen.  I have been let down by so many.  But you guys totally get it. Have you ever tried to talk to another parent who hasn't lost a child?   Put me down for the next 14 yrs too, or as long as I have. 

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Wow Laurie, that piece was so perfectly beautiful, thanks for sharing. That robin looks to be like Georgina's for sure.

Lou Ann, I am glad that you are feeling connected here, I think it is hugely important to be connected to others who have similar issues when you grieve. One way that I have coped is that I talk about Erica every day. There hasn't been a day I don't think, that Erica hasn't been brought up in nearly 14 years of her leaving. If folks are uncomfortable around my memories, then that will have to be their issue, I have enough of my own. So that has been my attitude all these years: Erica Lived! She will always be my Daughter and I will always wake to a day with her still actively in my heart. She lives on in us, we do good things and think of her and we carry on in her name and spirit. I write checks all year long with her name on them from the fund I have at school...and my third graders at school know all about Erica, not that a train hit her car, just that she died from a car accident...but they see her photo hanging in the classroom, they ask if Erica would have liked this project or that book???They know that Erica had a sense of humor and that she disliked school, that she was a good ice skater/skier/snowboarder...so when our stories can be told, when there are those who listen, our Kids stories stay alive, and nothing compares to that.

Bob, please take care of yourself...don't want you getting ill.

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Christopher's Mom

 Good Morning

i have looked forward to reading each new post on this forum and taking the wisdom and comfort so many of you share. It has been 6 weeks since Chris died and it seems the sadness and ache grows stronger everyday. 

I was able to go to the coroner's website and found that Chris died from an overdose of heroin mixed with fentanyl. Paul and I were so clueless! We knew Chris had struggled with drug abuse and bipolar ---teenage years were very, very hard for all of us. Chris would say he never tried and would never try heroin and now we find this- 

One of my biggest fears while waiting for the coroners report was that Chris died in pain or was scared from what I have found out it is more likely that he went to sleep and stopped breathing. In some bizarre way there is a little bit of peace believing this. 

Not sure what I do now Sunday is Easter and our first holiday and Mother's Day is right around the corner Chris was my only child what do you do on Mother's Day when your child is dead? This all hurts so much

 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

I so agree Dee....there are those that we simply cannot allow in our lives anymore...too toxic...and maybe before we had this kind of grief we could have withstood their petty problems and they being offended by every little thing....but after losing a child...we have to put ourselves in a safe place to heal. We really do have to find a way to live where abnormal can become normal. What I was trying to get across is I consider myself a very caring and empathetic person before I lost John David....but now I see with different eyes...and a new layer of care and compassion has grown on my skin and soul.

 

Lu ann....I think you may be dealing with what is called...delayed grieving...one of our sweet parents on this site...Laurie...(Mother of Jesse and Taylor)...lost an infant boy....Taylor....and her circle of friends all told her to 'move on'...am certain she was a very young Mother at the time....later when she lost her son, Jesse David, and she was engulfed with deep grief is when she realized she hadn't been permitted to grieve her son, Taylor, and the doors opened and she knew that she should honor her grief for her son, Taylor. It can get complicated....when  parents/parent has delayed grief but there is no time table to go by...I think we should bend into our grief...grief is normal when one has lost a loved one.

Laurie I loved that video...giving you support and hope that your back is going to keep getting better. Daniel has been very 'down' with his back...am beginning to think with him...he has a 'seasonal grief'....back problems become very critical around 'football/hunting season'....and now around 'fishing/beach season'....he is missing his boy and there is no pill that he can take to make it better....

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Christopher's Mom, I agree with what Susan and Dee have said. At the beginning we are trapped in our pain and need to know the details of our child's death. I personally feel that what has helped me to move to the point that I am now is to focus more on how he lived... rather than how he died. I did not reach this place easily. It took a few years and many special occasions to find a comfortable place to continue from. I, too... talk about Jeff whenever I please. I always will. When the kids were young at grade school they made many different cards, etc. I kept them in a box that I now refer to as my box of treasures. After a couple of years I was able to open that box and I now carefully choose a card on every occasion that was made by my son and place it alongside the others. It gives me reason to smile and remember those times. My husband and I also remember him by honoring his memory in other special ways. It really does help and becomes a tradition of sorts.

Laurie, thanks for sharing your story about the robin. How comforting it must have been for his family.

I spent the day in the city yesterday and the temps were absolutely wonderful. The temps reached 25C and yet this morning we are facing more ...wait for it now...SNOW! I can not believe this up an down stuff. A royal pain in the butt for sure. A typical Good Friday dull day. Tommy's Mom... I remember a few years ago we spent Easter in England with the boys. I remember how lovely the weather was and the fields in the countryside were covered with daffodils and beautiful baby lambs running around the fields. I hope your Easter weather is decent for you.

I do wish that I could offer the magic words to make this pain go away for those of you that are just beginning this difficult journey. We all know that there are really no words that can lift this sorrow as we would like. Except to say that we are all walking this road together. Hold on tight to all of your supports. Use them to your advantage rather than pushing them away. Stay strong and know that you are not alone on this Easter weekend.

Love to All, Kate

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Here is a poem I wrote about 12 or so years ago, I remember writing it and weeping as I felt each word drip from my heart onto the page...And the thing that has kept me going all these years since Erica died is...Erica LIVED! And so as Easter comes and then goes, as Mothers Day comes and goes, let your tears fall, let them rain down from your heavenly memories and know, that those experiences you had are yours, those cannot be taken. Our Babies Lived and live on through our hearts and our actions. What can we do to best honor them? Whose life/lives can we touch in lovely ways through our Child's name and memory? Plant some seeds and start a garden or join a  volunteer group to spend some energy serving others who are in need if that feels right, or simply let yourselves know that who you are now is a Parent who has been hurt to the core but who will rise in your Child's light to live your best lives here...not easy but it will evolve. Be kind to you, that is what your Child would insist upon.

Who we are

Memories take me by the heartstrings,

And guide me through the intricate maze

Of our lives together,

Where we were Momma and Sweetpea,

Where we learned about life through each other’s souls,

Where we cried from letting each other down,

and we laughed until we cried.

Where we began an adult relationship,

That felt so sweet,

All of it the fabric of who we were then,

A moment ago/ ten thousand years ago,

And who we will always be…

Deep in memory.

 

By,

Dee Conmy

 

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Chris's Mom, I am so terribly sorry that you had to find out the way you did as to how Christopher died. I am surprised that the coroner doesn't call you and talk to you in human voice. So many parents on this site and around the world are facing this kind of loss, and oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I have a nephew who has a strong addiction to heroin and has been in and out of rehab but returns to the drug...I only know the struggle from watching how this has affected my sister and how Matthew has changed. This is an epidemic at this point. I am glad that you know that your sweet Son did not suffer but left quietly without his knowing, You are so early on this rough road, I am very glad that you joined us and can find some assistance and comfort here. This is the place that I feel was thee most helpful aspect in finding my way after Erica died...and as Sherry tells, it used to be called a much more beautiful name which I miss: Beyond Indigo. We are far beyond blue aren't we when we lose a child. We are beyond indigo. But the Indigos will hold onto your hands and heart and do our best to lend our experiences to help you through. I went to therapy right around the same time that I found Indigo, at the 6 month mark, and certainly going to therapy helped me with the biggest piece of grief: guilt. I was lucky however, going to a woman who I first went to when Erica was born. I knew I needed therapy when Erica was born to help me deal with my childhood abuse, so I met my therapist upon her birth, and returned many times in between for help, and then went back upon her death. I have since gone back to her on several occasions to work through other aspects in my life. Sometimes we need new tools to assist us as we get older or have to deal with other family or friend issues. Hang on and keep on sharing your story. One woman I knew a long time ago found that Mothers Day was too much for her so she started a program of collecting goods for Moms who were incarcerated. She felt that Mothers Day must be hard on other women too, so she put her energy there and her work has been so very appreciated. Sometimes we ignore the holiday but it is hard to get away from int he media of course. One year I went to the card section of the store and picked a card out that I thought Erica would have liked to give me...we just go with the flow Mary Ellen, keeping in mind that the flow changes often.

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Mermaid Tears

Chris's Mom....beyond sad for your boy....there is such an epidemic...and what I hear...is that now there is some substance in the heroin that makes it quite lethal. You and 1,000's of parents are in deep grief with that common cause of death. It is sweeping across our American like a black wind. You asked about Easter and Mother's Day.....to be honest with you....for the first 3 years I wished every holiday could be cancelled..in my calendar. That is not possible and we have other adult children and Grandchildren and I just had to muscle through it ...for them. I knew there were traditions to be carried out....how would the young ones know if we stopped it all ? There are no rules...no right or wrong....there is no grief etiquette.....this is a time to listen to your instincts and heart and be very kind and gentle with yourself...and family and friends. I call this the 'shock suit' that fits very tight the first couple of years and it is a self protecting shield..so you are not overwhelmed with it all. Please...self care....this kind of grief can cause many issues with one's physical and emotional health. Drink plenty of fluids and try to walk outside for about 20-30 minutes each day. Do not try to see too far ahead....and don't expect too much from your husband...family and friends...they are in as much shock as you are and trying to live one day at a time in this 'new normal'. Many parents on this site will reach out to you with caring hands...and hearts full of compassion.

Dee....I love your poem.

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Dee, thanks for sharing your poetry with us. We always enjoy reading your beautiful words.

There is another topic that I would like to discuss and that is the importance of not losing the fact that we have other children that can be lost in our grief. I had a best friend that died at the age of twelve. We were kids a long time ago and hung out together doing everything kids of that age share. She had a heart problem that most likely could be easily managed in this day and age. At that time there was no cure. It was my first real brush with death. It made no sense to me. I was just a kid and wondered why she would be taken so young. She was the youngest of four children and her mother took it very hard. So hard in fact that she took her life a year later. I was horrified. I wondered what about the other kids. Another one of her daughters was over in Europe travelling after school as many did in those days. The days before cell phones, e-mails, etc. They had no way to reach her to tell her of her mother's death. When she arrived home she found that her Mom was also gone and that she had missed her funeral. She was broken to the core. She never actually recovered properly. How could she? We in our pain can forget that we have other children that love us and depend on us. They are also struggling with the loss of their sibling and often do not know how to show it. Talking and therapy can go a long way to healing. While I know that her Mom did not mean to push her other children away she forgot in her pain that they still were alive and needed her.  How very sad indeed.  

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My girl is in heaven

Christopher's mom.   I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. The first holidays and anniversaries r quite difficult.  But some how they come and go and u do survive them.  I am almost six years into my loss have just recently found this site.  You will find lots of love and support here as I have.  The rest of the world who have not walked in our shoes will never be able to understand.  I still just skim over the holidays as best I can but I don't have any small children or grandchildren.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com if you or a anyone want to connect that way.  Please know that u are not alone in your pain and grief.  We will all get thru this together.  Hugs.

 

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See why this is such a great place??? Everyone here reaches out...either in need or in reply to need. I am always made to smile and feel so a part of things after reading here. Glad you liked the poem, it's an oldie. Peace to All-and Hope. Hope is what helps us find our footing again...has everyone been privileged to a host of new colors offered? I love the choices.

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JD's Mom, Becky

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My daughter, Jasmine and I went to the cemetery the other day to clean and put things there with the Easter theme. Jared always loved Easter and I have so many memories of him just delighting in his Easter basket or running the yard to find the plastic eggs  we always hid for he and Jasmine. We filled them with candies when they were really young, then later we used coins. I still get caught off guard sometimes wondering what he would be doing if he were here. His last birthday here was on April 23rd, 2011, so this will be the sixth one without him. He would have been 21 this year. 

Thank you to all who have asked about my eyes. The left is still bloodshot but not as much, good grief that injection was a week ago! I hope my vision gets better at some point. It's hard to be positive about it at this point, as it's been months now. 

I cut the grass today, which I enjoy if I can just get on and off the damned thing without falling. I still have a lot  of problems with balance and with strength, also due to diabetes. I have been insulin dependent diabetic for thirty years now, and hadn't had any of these issues until losing my son. I have to agree with Susan, that at least I believe my health issues are a direct result of grief and stress from fighting for justice in a very unjust system.

Never in my life would I have believed this could happen to our family. My husband is retired from the military, where he served in special forces for 22 years, and his regular vocation is as school counselor, which he is now close to retirement from. I am retired from Corrections, and both of us have worked tirelessly with youth sports programs in our community for over 20 years. We are good people, minding our own business, helping kids and families around us, other than that, pretty much home bodies, we don't drink or smoke, and have done nothing but raise our kids and try to be good Christian examples to our kids and to the community. I still don't understand why and how we get no justice and this person who killed our son and altered our lives forever can still be doing anything she wants to, having kids, getting high and drunk, no change in her lifestyle whatsoever.

For those that are new here, my son Jared, was killed when he was 15, hit from behind by an IMO, distracted driver as he was skateboarding only 1/4 mile from our driveway. We know our son always walked or rode against  traffic on our country road because the road is narrow with no shoulders at all. The driver said he was in her lane and she didn't see him at all. We had to hire a private investigator that was a retired state police accident reconstructionist, who told us he thought the police had not done a good job at all in trying to reconstruct the crash, and he believed,as do we, that she crossed the centerline and struck him from behind. She had received a text message only moments before hitting Jared. Regardless of his report the police in our state would not budge. They didn't charge her with anything at all, even though she was found with an open container of alcohol and five bottles of prescription meds spilled onto the floor. We don't have an open container law here. They didn't test her at all, and as far as the text, she simply told them she didn't read it, and they just let it go! Far above all of that for me, was the fact that she was a registered nurse, yet did not touch my child as he lay dying, not to pray for him, not to comfort him, and not even to take his pulse!!  When she called 911, she cursed into the phone, saying she had fu__ing hit someone and they were so fu__ing dead. Laurie, I know what it is to deal with a liar, because that's all she has ever done. 

Bob, I hope and pray your son's case will be dealt with more fairly, and that justice will be done. It won't bring your son back to you, but I always felt it would help us, in that all of her friends, that don't know us, might know the truth. We know the truth, and we have had to put it in God's hands. I believe she will answer for what she has done, just hope I live long enough to see it.

I haven't told that much of my journey for a long time, but did in the beginning. Maybe that's why all my 'friends' dropped off.  This place was a lifesaver for me, because I could talk about anything and there was no judgement, only help and love. 

Much love to all here! Very tired...

 

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Becky, I am so sorry that you have had to carry such a difficult and painful load on  your shoulders. You must take comfort in knowing that as a parent that you have done everything in your power to find justice for Jared. I can not begin to imagine the frustration and anger that you are holding. It has definitely caused some major health issues for you. I feel that Jared at this time would want you to be as healthy as you can. He would most likely tell you to put down that load for a while and try to regain your strength and health. You decorated his site beautifully. Hold on with both hands and try to focus on your own recovery for now. He knows you love him and you always will! HUGS!

Becky, I have just had a brain wave...which sure beats a brain cramp!!! Why not concentrate on a fundraiser to build a skateboard park dedicated and named after Jared? A really worthwhile cause while providing a safe place for the kids to play?

 

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LOVE the skate-park idea Kate. Becky, I agree with Kate, your Son is holding you in his heart the same way you are holding him...You are a wonderful Momma. You and Jasmine did a great decorating job at his site. Jared is smiling and joyous at the decorations.

I woke to a 70 degree morning...amazing.My hsuband planted many astilbe he ordered and a new variety of day lilies yesterday and on cue, it rained last evening. I love when that works out. Now it is warm and breezy and I will be out in it. Yesterday I took the kids for a wagon ride in the neighborhood and then we went to the park. A gorgeous day for it and for me...wonderment!

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Tommy's mum

Louann it is perfectly understandable you left your house and Jeffsmom it is perfectly understandable you stayed in your house. We are all individual and have to do what feels right right for us there is no right or wrong. It is advised to try and not take on big life changing decisions in the first year because of regret after the shock of grief wears off, so postponing is a good idea. However is that always possible in the real world? possibly not. As for everything else we have to do in life moving house new job getting married divorces etc you make the best decision you can at that time with the information you have. Once something is done it is past and not worth rehashing over and over because it cannot be undone, it is already in the past. We need to look toward a future if possible.

Sherry it is great to meet others who try to look after and support nature. Bees and butterflies are essential for pollination beside being cute!

dee I love the way you keep your daughter alive in memory. i too talk about Tommy frequently, as he was a real person. Not many people talk about him including my other adult children but i think they discuss tommy between themselves. Your poem is lovely it is good when emotions can create something meaningful isn't it?

Christophersmom i am so sorry you found out the cause of your son's death was heroin and fentanyl it must have been a shock. our children no matter how close do not tell their parents everything esp if it involves drugs or illegal activity or trouble with the police. They do not want to worry or upset us. Also remember that heroin is extremely easy to get and very cheap esp compared to pills .(Adderall ritalin Vicodin percocet etc)Kids start on pills which are expensive and then progress to and get addicted to heroin because its much cheaper. Parents are none the wiser, It can also be smoked beside injection. Addiction is when you cannot live without the drug including alcohol and will take anything to take away the pain of withdrawal. It also could be your son had only tried it for the first or so time but purity on thr street is so varied that overdoses occur even among long standing addicts. My Tommy was a former addict and I didnt know he was on heroin for a few months it was a shock for me too. At least there was a cause of death some parents are left forever wondering if it was an inherited condition or something random. There is no easy answer for us parents in the end it does not matter so much how they pass its the fact they are gone from us. he would have just gone to sleep, no pain. as for making it through mother's day I don't know it will always be one of those painful dates for you but remember you have been a mother and had a son you loved for the years you had him, even tho it was not long enough.

mermaid tears good quotes always applicable. I particularly like the Harriet Schiff one and the Tim lawrence ones.

Dianne I agree with you. I always say I have four children and when they ask about Tommy I gently tell them he was killed in 2015. It is important to acknowledge their presence and existence because he was a real person for the short 24 years we had him and now he is a mix of memories but he is still alive to me just being in a different place.

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Tommy's mum

Sorry a bit behind with all the posts! Just want to say Becky I love Jared's grave it shows real love and thought has gone into tending and changing it up. It was nice that you shared more of Jared's story because not all of us know what happened and that you felt able to share more, thank you. In the UK we have started severe penalties for texting or using the phone whilst driving (hands free is legal but I dont agree with that either as its still distracting and you need all your attention on the ever changing road.) which is addressing a real danger that is commonplace in today's society of phone obsessed people.

Kate i love the skateboard idea too. Sometimes a fundraiser or charity etc can help focus a positive attitude after a devastating loss.

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Tommy's Mom...I agree that we all have our own particular unique course to follow. Some stay...some leave...our call to make. A skateboard park is exciting because it was what Jared loved to do so much. A project of that magnitude would take quite some time to raise the funds to build, yet it is amazing how things can build up quickly once they get rolling. 

We just returned from a wonderful hike. We had a really interesting storm last night. One that would make even Alfred Hitchcock take notice. It was so weird. I thought I was hearing things when I heard the distant rumble of thunder and saw flashes of lightening across the lake. The odd thing is that it is still covered in ice. It is breaking up nicely and there is some open water, but it was a summer rain on a frozen lake. The forecast called for wind warnings and ice formation build up. A really artsy formation. Gretchen would be in seventh heaven. We had temps that reached 25C or approximately 77F on Thursday and now they are calling for it to snow tomorrow. Give me a break...it's Easter. My guilty pleasure is a nice piece of chocolate...and tomorrow I just have to indulge. :D

Love to All, and Happy Easter to everyone.

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My girl is in heaven

Becky. So sorry about the loss of your precious Jared.i lost my 17 year old daughter in 2011 as well so am on the same grief time as you.  It is difficult enough having to bury a child, but to have to fight for justice as well must be very draining. It sounds like u have done everything possible.  I agree that grief effects us physically too.  I don't have any physical ailments that I know of but I feel I have aged a lot in these almost six years.  I really feel like I have slowly started dying the day my daughter died and my cause of death will be a broken heart.  I am 56 but feel a lot older. You and Jasmine did a nice job decorating.  I have a real problem going to the cemetery and feel guilty for that sometimes.  I just wondered where u think u are on this grief journey since it has been the same time as me.  Some days I really don't think I've moved on at all.  I hope u get justice for your son some day.   Hugs and much love to you.

Tommys mum.  There r days that I think Kira would not have wanted us selling her house and I feel regret for doing so but u r right we do what we think is best at the time. And it is past so we have to move on.  That is one thing I have a hard time with is that I constantly live in the past. Thanks for your encouraging words.

As always I am so appreciative of all your support. And yes Ericas mom I can see why this is such a great place to come to.  I wish I could give all of you a hug. I wish I could say happy Easter but I can't. I haven't said happy anything since Kira died. Wishing u all the best u can be.

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Oh Bob, I can see why your feelings are as they are...though as a Grandmom, I also see your ex-wife's. That is a hard one. I just hope that the detectives can follow the thread and get to its starting point, and I wish you patience.

 

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Mermaid Tears

I am up way too early....again.....have a house full of children and grandchildren coming over for crayfish...and all the fixings...have a lot of tiny strings to tie together...of course...I go back to that last Easter with John David..I have his last Easter card...our family has always been big on sending cards...am grateful.

Bob...wishing you peace and patience...

To all the parents...there are days I don't have enough pockets to put my grief in...it spills over...and I find myself in a place of longing and yearning. I am very grateful for each of you helping me on those days when 'I must be strong and carry on'....your care and compassion and understanding is very healing for this Mama's broken heart.

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Mermaid Tears

Wishing all the parents a layer of comfort...on this Easter Sunday...

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No matter how our Child left, no matter our belief systems...This day speaks of rebirth. Let your heart be born again to the possibilities that we are the vehicle that carries forth the promise of our CHILDREN.

Susan, such poignant words both your own and those on the screen shots. Thank you, and those photos of John David: priceless.

God Bless

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My girl is in heaven

Christophers mom.  I have been thinking about you all day spending your first holiday without your precious child.  This is my sixth Easter without my dear Kira and my heart still aches.  I always tell my self it's just another day without them and maybe do something different in your routine.  I've decided to not even go to my family this year with all their perfect, smiling happy lives. Do what feels right for you and remember the holiday will be over tomorrow and you can may be begin to heal a bit before you face the next one.  Please reach out if u want to talk and you are not alone in how you feel.  Take care

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To those of you sepnding your first holiday without your Child, I found I needed to change my holdiays even if just a bit or sometimes, a gigantic amount. I needed it to be different because it simply was different for us. Do what feels okay to do, if visiting family does not feel right, then don't. If family does not understand, tell them that you hope they never will but to please give you the space you need in which to find your footing. That is the best we can do and you know what???that is fine.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Ericas mom.  Although this is not my first holiday without my child, i really needed to hear what you had to say. Thanks

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Tommy's mum

My 3kids and my nephew who is like my 3rd son came down for the w/e which was great. We celebrated my daughter's and my birthdays late and hung out with my parents and sister. It is always good to see my children as they are either in college or working in different cities but always there is a missing link, a sadness under the laughter, a face missing from the family photos, a yearning in my heart. However I know I am very lucky to still have children and my heart is saddened for those who lost their only child/children. Everyone on this site is affected by tragedy and losses and I freely admit to crying over some of the posts and wishing I could do something to help them, no matter what your faith/ beliefs I wish you all peace today, another holiday is past and continued healing. The posts from mermaidtears are poignant and thought provoking thanks.

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Christopher's Mom

Happy Easter to all of you! Thank you Luann, Erica's mom and Tommy's Mum for sharing your experiences and wisdom. We made it to church today and I made it thru without crying then we met friends for brunch for a couple of hours and then we have been home together, quiet but ok.

I don't have any family in Illinois so there are no issues about visiting or not visiting family because to do that requires a plane flight . 

I don't know who suggested it but I really like the idea of doing something for other moms on Mother's Day instead of focusing on what I don't have.  Probably can't get anything together in time for this year but certainly going forward I can.

Mary Ellen

 

 

 

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Tommy's mum

Bob I get that you dont have peace yet the case is not resolved so the anger still burns inside you, and even if justice prevails the anger takes a while to burn out completely. The injustice of losing our children too soon will never go away especially when we see other complete families and when there are special dates when families usually come together. Lying is something I will not tolerate either been too much in my former marriage. Trust is earned and good relationships are formed with the bond of trust. Once someone lies it is difficult to believe other things people say. it is sad when family relationships break down and sometimes they cannot be repaired, both sides have to back down apologise and make efforts at the same time. i tried many times to get on with my ex for our children's sakes but he is unyielding so I gave up. As for stress it definitely affects you physically in a negative way hence your pneumonia. because your spirits are so low you become vulnerable physically to viruses and bacterias and taking care of yourself whilst grieving is a low priority.

Maryellen it is wonderful that you are feeling able to share your mother's day with others after losing your son. Sometimes by doing things for others we help ourselves and our spirit. giving feels good whether its financial or your time and to feel the appreciation of your efforts is rewarding. There are many groups of people in need of a bit of care, the homeless, the elderly, the incarcerated, the terminally ill, young people, addicts  etc all of whom would appreciate kind words and gestures of humanity. Love is what makes the world go round and a brighter place to live. Please update us on your plans ok?

My boys left yesterday and my girls today so seeing them is always tinged with a sadness when they leave. The house so filled with noise laughter and music chaos and mess becomes quiet and tidy and the washing machine gets lots of action with bedding etc. We took some nice photos this visit so I shall get them printed up and framed. My guys really dont like having their picture taken so its always a struggle and my photos in my house are really old so it will be good to have uptodate ones. They do not realise how important to me it is, how there will never be more of Tommy he will forever be frozen in time at 24.

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Bob, I hope that you take extra good care of yourself now. You need to take your physical health seriously and get the rest and nutrients you need. I wish you enough...and peace one day, certainly not now, too soon, too much undone. But maybe one day. And if you can keep one day as a goal, you will provide yourself HOPE.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Ricky's 1 st angelversary came and went and so did Easter.. I'm so confused cause I can't mourn my son and mom together.  They both passed on the 15th and it really sucks.  I took both to the lake with me and Ricky's girlfriend. I isolated myself yesterday and it felt good to not have to deal with the outside world.  I recently found out I am now a diabetic, have an enlarged liver, right side of my heart isn't working properly, I have something on my left kidney and they still can't figure out why I bloat up like I'm pregnant.  I'm so tired of everything.  

Hope all had a great Easter.  

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This is a video of my precious baby.  I soooo miss him!!!

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Mermaid Tears

Bob...this kind of grief can cause many health issues on your emotional and physical body and spirit. There can be grave consequences. A suggestion....you seem to concentrate a lot of thought and anger toward your ex and son...please try to concentrate on yourself...and be very kind and gentle to yourself to get your health back in balance. Take care of those bees....and keep reminding yourself that you only have control over yourself and how you handle/react to circumstances and situations. No one on this earth has control over someone else and how and what they do.

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Wendy-----So good that you found some time to yourself----away from the

outside world.  We all need these times of privacy---to be alone, and to

have our thoughts to ourselves.  I'm so sorry for all your health problems,

and pray that the doctors can help you.  Take care.

 

Susan------Thanks fo the screen shots with words of wisdom and hope.

 

PEACE  TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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Wendy, why in heaven's name would you know how to grieve both your Son and your Mom at the same time???We don't know how to do this thing, this act of grief, we just do what we do, we find ourselves scratching our stories into the rock and mortar around us, our stories are a part of us, we have changed, we are still named who we have always been, but we have changed by the births and by the losses...You are doing it Wendy, as best you can right now. Love the video of your Sweet Dear Son.

Sherry, hope that Easter was peaceful and brought some of your loved ones home.

Lot's of fluids Bob, rest and fluids, listen to the doctor on this one. I had pneumonia when I was much younger but still, I remember it as the worst I have ever felt...took me 5 weeks to fully recover, 10 days off of work. Weak as a newborn puppy. Body and Soul Folks, they are connected, when one is over-doing it, the other suffers too.

Mary Ellen, I am glad that you were able to get out and do a few things on Easter.One day at a time Dear.

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Been in the house science 3 days, in my pajama's, not getting dressed......just watched TV and did little things. Didn't feel like seeing anybody. Quiet around the house, guess all the neighbor's went to their  families . Had bad days, miss Steven so much. Eastern is now another holiday to think about the faith thing for me. I even hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. Is this all life gone be , little ups and bad downs.....Waiting everyday to here from the police, when the investigation is done. Starting to make me nervous. What if there is not going to be a court hearing ?

I'm going to go to the cemetery today .

I'm so sorry for all the pain and sadness and grieve on this forum.

I know you're sad, so I won't tell you

to have a good day. Instead, I advise

you to simply have a day. Stay alive,

feed yourself well, wear comfortable

clothes, and don't give up on

yourself just yet. It'll get better.

Until then, have a day.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Let this be a word of caution.....this kind of grief can cause severe health issues...it is subtle..but can be deadly. No one is going to knock on your door and take you by the hand and teach and care for you....you are the only one that can do all you can to care for yourself.

   Read what Becky wrote...just the other day....I call her our Warrior Mom...and she was viable and vital in her fight/quest for justice for her beloved son...when the trial/court session was over...it did not turn out the way it should have....in fact...she was so driven...we could have called her 'terminator Mom'. After it was all over...her body simply gave out....all the grief that is carried on the inside...did a lot of harm to I think every organ in her body...causing a great physical breakdown...she had already had an emotional breakdown....all of us do.

Now I read where so many parents are having multiple health issues and dealing with the emotional issues from their loss.

Wendy...I am not surprised you are having so many health issues...you had a double load of grief to carry...and that heavy load is breaking down your body.

Silky....you are doing just what you need to do....do anything that will bring you even a sliver of comfort. I tell people that if they want to lay on the couch in their panties and cry all day....do it. And yes....just have 'a day'...

I had to 'cocoon' ...I cancelled every social and civic event...I had to 'stay home' and care for my broken soul and heart. I had a most severe case of insomnia...(which is a common symptom of deep grief)....and of course...that caused all kinds of health issues...foggy thinking....no energy....no stamina...a stupendous case of 'What Is The Use' attitude....loss of appetite...lost the will to do or want to do anything.....aches and discomfort was present but had no definite symptons. I have always had the energy of 10 people....a real 'get it done' kind of person...have always been a positive/good attitude/happy persona. But all that did not help my grief...I realized I would have to focus on my immune system to keep my engine going. I will share with all the parents the things I do...all are just common sense..no exotic products or programs...just common every day things one can do to help bolster their immune system which will help all those inner organs working to keep my/your body healthy enough to combat the ravages of this kind of inner grief.

I drink a cup of hot lemon water every morning...I cut a lemon in half..and squeeze it into a cup of water...I sprinkle ground turmeric in it and drink it as hot as you can. Turmeric is great for inflammation. Hot lemon water is great for detoxing the liver and kidneys.

I take two AZO cranberry tablets each morning....in a woman's body....stress..(and this kind of grief) can wreak havoc on kidneys and bladder...making them spasm...and cause UTI's...

Drink a cup of Emergen-C...1,000 mg of vitamin C....

Drink at least a cup of Gatorade ...this will help keep your electrolytes in balance

I cut up 2 pieces of fruit each day...bite size..put it in a bowl and eat it all day...that way I am sure I ate 2...

If you are having digestive issues...try to eat lots of soups...your body won't work so hard to digest it...

Eat some protein each day

Walk around outside for at least 20 or 30 minutes each day

These routine things I do each day  help your immune system...and they are simple things....I just wanted to share to help any parent out there that are having health issues.

I bought a treadmill and put it in my guest bedroom...I knew if I could walk at least 3 miles every day..it would help my insomnia....it has helped....but I find that my insomnia is worse around my marker dates...holidays...family birthdays...and no amount of walking is going to cure that.

Wendy...I watched the video....I know you miss your boy so much...sending you hugs...

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Thanks Susan for the ideas. All really good and helpful ways to stay healthy. Do you find that the cranberry tablets have you running to the bathroom at night? I think I'll print out your post. 

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My girl is in heaven

I  I can't even count the number of days I have stayed on my couch, in my pyjamas, not looking after myself or my house, unable to walk across the street to get my mail.  Not caring what was going on in the world or even what the weather was like. So i totally understand  silky how you feel. Nothing seems to matter when u lose a child. I'm so sorry as well as losing your son you have to await a police investigation. I don't know how you parents do it that have to go thru investigations and trials.  I never say have a good day either, or happy Easter or merry Christmas.  In fact I don't really remember what it's like to even feel a twinge of happiness or hope about anything.  I think of my daughter almost all the time.  And while I always am proud of my son's accomplishments, I still always think but my daughters not here.  Mermaid tears, u r right this kind of grief just sucks the life out of you.  I just never feel well.  And u r so right that no one is coming to your door to look after you.  Wendy I am so sorry for all your health problems. Look after yourself.  U made it thru that very difficult year of firsts. Tommys mum and all who had an enjoyable Easter, good for u.  U give us hope for the future. Although I have to say that after almost 6 years i guess I don't even know what it means to be able to carry on, to have gotten thru your grief, maybe im there and don't even know it.  I think it was jeffs mom who said she is not the same person she used to be.  I feel that too, but I truly don't know who I am anymore.

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Tommy's mum

mermaidtears such good advice, taking care of yourself when you feel able to that is , is important. grief definitely affects the body as well as the mind spirit and personality. i too have aged significantly, my hair is more greyed and thinner but that is ok. We all have changed outwardly as well as inside. I am more reclusive, more reflective and my personality has become more muted. It is difficult to care about stupid **** and I roll my eyes inwardly about the pathetic things that people feel are important. I just have to take time to feel comfortable with the different me and learn to like the person I have been left with after losing my son. Louann you need to try and find some peace somehow so that you can live instead of existing. The life you have now is too sad you deserve more, you are worth more, please try to look for alternatives because life after loss is possible and you have so much to offer. Therapy and meds helped me through that endless grey time when nothing mattered nothing gave me joy noone could get through to me in my solitary prison, and I am grateful to be able to experience some colour and life and feelings again after so long. I dont take it for granted out of nowhere the sadness hits and i feel engulfed but after a good cry I can get up again and face the next day with a more positive attitude. Bob your rage is still so powerful and I get that you need the rage to keep up the fight for justice and to stop yourself from drowning. I also get that our children were human too with faults and failings and not sanitised and perfect after they died. Your honesty about your son is refreshing.None of us are perfect we are all fallible and so it is with our children. for those of us with other children it is important to not "angelize" our son or daughter because the siblings may feel they can never match up to that ideal, and to feel every conversation or family occasion is dominated by the absence of their sibling. Although in my heart Tommy is supposed to be there I try to outwardly show I am happy my other children are with me (which I am) and privately have a few tears when I am on my own. I do not want their brother's death to define them and it is hard when they dont mention him but I understand they are silently saying "We ARE here, enjoy us, be with us, we are alive. Don't bring us down by reminding us we are now 3 siblings not 4." They are right and I try to learn from them, being guided by what they say or don't say accepting that we grieve differently that different things matter to them or to me and making new memories.

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