Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 68.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ericasmom

    9217

  • Mermaid Tears

    3803

  • daveydow1

    3002

  • shorty16

    2248

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, thinking of you today. Wishing you gentle thoughts.

 

erica2017.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Nice to see you Susan, was wondering about you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
InHeavensKeeping

Diane Thankyou for the Robin story. I definately feel that james is trying to tell me he's with me.  When I go to the grave now the Robin flies out and sits on the little tree next to me. Like Dee said he sings the most beautiful songs. And looks into my eyes. He will fly off to the feeder an then comes back to me. My heart sours when this happens.  Xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
InHeavensKeeping

Diane this is my Robin that sits with me xx

image.jpeg

image.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Christopher's Mom

Thank you for all the responses It's hard to believe a month has gone by since Christopher died.  The "numb" has worn off and been replaced by a constant ache, I think about him all the time & every picture of him brings on such intense longing to be able to hold him and hear his voice again. I'm attaching a picture of him, I miss him so much!

IMG_0491.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Christophers Mom, your Son is so handsome...I am holding your hand and hoping that as this numbness wears away, and that pain sets in, you know that one day it will feel different than now. One day, but it takes time and patience with yourself. As others have said, no timeline matters now...this is your life and you will make changes as you can and as you see fit.

Diane, thanks, yes, I felt Erica definitely had a hand in my good news.I love the robin info and what is funny, I bought a new pair of pajamas for my Grandgirl and they have robins all over them. So cute.  Divianz, Georgina, Lesley,  thanks, going off the meds just feels like a nice thing to be able to do...I was afraid the doc would want me on for another 5 years...

Laurie, thanks so much, I love that photo of Erica with her dog, Mazzy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Brokenhearted Mom, of course you are feeling as you are...we know how broken it is to be in these shoe. I just want you to know that we are here listening and holding onto you...onto each other because that is our hope now, to help the next parent up this giant hill. Tell us more about your Boy, what his life was like...share what you can when you can and keep on reading as you will see similarities between what youare feeling and what others are feeling. United by our losses but also united through our healing...slow and painful, but we do make strides. Hang on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Georgina...so love your Robin photos, that is one beautiful robin.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dianne----I, too, love the robin info.  They are such a lovely bird, and I think

they are loved by all.  thanks for posting.

Cheryl-----I'm sorry I missed your dear son, Tony's, angelversary.  I hope that

you found some comfort in your wonderful memories of him.  Thank you for

the lovely family pic you posted.

Brokenheartedmom------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. You are

right-----while we are sad, and mourn others' deaths......none will ever compare

to the shock, pain, sorrow of the death of a beloved child.  Please come back to

this site.  You are among friends who truly understand,

LuanneJ-----You have found yourself to a site where everyone knows the pain

of losing a dear child.  I'm sorry for you loss of your sweet daughter.   Other people

who have not experienced the loss of a child cannot know the lingering pain

and sorrow that it causes the parent.  They may urge us to move on, as though

it is just a matter of making upone's mind to do so,, but we,here on this site, know

that this is just not the true.  Please come back and tell us about your daughter,

when you feel you want to.  We have no 'rules'  about posting  here.

It is all up to the parent to decide how & when to proceed.  Many people have

just read the posts only  (myself included)  for a time, then posted when ready.  Each

must decide what is best for themselves on this rough journey.

Dee-----So glad you had a peaceful day on ERi's birthday.  She must have been

smiling down, as she always does, from her pink cloud.

Susan----Good to see your post.  We missed you. Glad that you found peace on

 dear John David's birthday.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Luanne, I echo all that has been said, your pain is yours, others cannot not feel it as you do and so they judge it...deeming it long enough. Grief is not like anything else, especially when it is grieving a child. Hold onto us, we will help support you. I am sorry that your doctor gave you too many meds, it is hard to sort through what is really being felt sometimes when there are conflicting medicines involved. Sometimes we need meds to help us feel calmer or able to focus...it is an individual as each of our children. I would love to know more about your beloved Daughter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Daveydow, thanks so much for the welcome.I did post about my daughter but not sure if it ended up in the right place? Do I just click on reply to topic when I post?  I'm glad i feel like I have a new bunch of friends.  Not sure what experience you guys have had, but all those people at the funeral and Church, the ones who said they would always be there r just about all gone.  That includes friends and family.I honestly thought they truly felt bad that I had lost my daughter, but now realize they were just thinking they were glad it wasn't their kid. They all went,back to their perfect lives.  And one by one dropped off the radar.  While it hurt me at first, I don't really miss them much now. None of them can comphrend what happened and that most of me died that day with her.  That no part of me will ever be the same again.  That even after almost six years I think about her all the time.  They don't understand the pain and sorrow that will be with me everyday of my life.  So I am glad I found some people who truly understand and don't put time lines on you or judge you.  We have to stick together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Daveydow, thanks so much for the welcome.I did post about my daughter but not sure if it ended up in the right place? Do I just click on reply to topic when I post?  I'm glad i feel like I have a new bunch of friends.  Not sure what experience you guys have had, but all those people at the funeral and Church, the ones who said they would always be there r just about all gone.  That includes friends and family.I honestly thought they truly felt bad that I had lost my daughter, but now realize they were just thinking they were glad it wasn't their kid. They all went,back to their perfect lives.  And one by one dropped off the radar.  While it hurt me at first, I don't really miss them much now. None of them can comphrend what happened and that most of me died that day with her.  That no part of me will ever be the same again.  That even after almost six years I think about her all the time.  They don't understand the pain and sorrow that will be with me everyday of my life.  So I am glad I found some people who truly understand and don't put time lines on you or judge you.  We have to stick together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tears in heaven , thanks, I get to loss of an adult child but don't see any times in the right corner, still I will keep trying. 

Ericasmom. Thank you so much for your kind words.  I have read about what happened to your beautiful daughter, Erica, and I am truly sorry.  What a precious girl.  I know all the gut wrenching pain and sorrow that you and the rest of the parents here live with.  Thanks for making me feel welcome. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Christopher's Mom

Thank you Erica's Mom and Tears in Heaven for your wisdom and caring. This feels like a safe place -- while each of our experiences are different the pain is similar and that provides me with real comfort, thank you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

I try to direct new parents to our thread in the hope they joins us for the words of wisdom from you all.There are often others who just read the posts because they are not yet ready to share and that is ok we welcome you when you are ready to  tell us about your children. Every story is unique and exquisitely painful, I often shed tears over others posts, but I also know that the responses will be compassionate caring and understanding. Each one of us has helped other parents sometimes without even knowing and this is a community I am proud to be part of.

I love the robin photos and all that they represent. I was told a couple of other things that indicate our loved ones are near to us, when you find a penny on the ground and also when you see a white feather. I guess we all look for signs that our children are near and that brings comfort.

19 hours ago, LuanneJ said:

. " Not sure what experience you guys have had, but all those people at the funeral and Church, the ones who said they would always be there r just about all gone.  That includes friends and family.I honestly thought they truly felt bad that I had lost my daughter, but now realize they were just thinking they were glad it wasn't their kid. They all went,back to their perfect lives.  And one by one dropped off the radar." 

What true words spoken Luannej and how sad because the fact that other people forget is true. As time goes on our losses become less significant to other people and we can feel forgotten. The thing to remember is our children were here and they do matter, their lives although cut too short were valuable and we know as parents we will never forget them, that is all the truth you need. We probably all follow the news on tv and in the newspapers and are horrified by tragedies, accidents and acts of war yet a few weeks later those stories are far from our minds because life gets in the way. I guess we are all guilty of doing that so it is not surprising that other people forget our personal losses. That is ok it does not diminish our children it is just reality and we have to learn to live with reality even if it hurts. On this site we can reminisce about our children and share our experiences with other bereaved parents who just "get it".

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
JD's Mom, Becky

Today, I went to the eye doctor to begin injections in my other eye(left), and evidently the needle hit a blood vessel. Omg, the pain. I came home and took a pain pill and have been resting the rest of the day.so hard to see anything. I really hope these shots will work. I'm trying to stay strong and not to lose hope and faith, but I'm really tired.

IMG_20170407_133409.jpg 

Dee, I also have missed Eri's birthday, and as you know I love to make pictures to commemerate our angels, but I just can't see well enough anymore. Makes me so sad. Also sad for all of the new parents here on the site. I used to post quite often, but many health issues lately have made that so difficult. I think of the members here so often, as we feel like family. 

God bless all indigo's.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Christopher's Mom...your son is such a good looking young man. I'm sure he made you proud.

Tommy's Mom & Diane...thank you for the info on robins. Really interesting. Lately over the past few years rather than robins I find that eagles often appear in my life. They frequently fly over the car very low, or I see them sitting in a group in a special tree. I get a strange feeling when that happens. I can't really explain it.  

Becky, how I miss your posts. I am so sorry that you are having so many health issues. Please keep in touch when you can and know we are sending wishes for a better tomorrow. 

Susan, how is that sweet little man of yours doing? I bet he is growing like a weed with a Mom like Tay looking after him... I'm sure he is thriving beyond words.

Thinking of everyone both old and new and sending much love and hope for a happier time down the road. Have a peaceful weekend.

 

Love to All, Kate

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Thank you Tommy's mom for making me realize that as long as we remember our kids that is all that really counts.  I have been in a really deep depression the last three months and only today have begun to feel a tiny bit better.  I know its because I found all of you.  Not only people who totally understand how I feel but also care.  You have all been there and totally get it.  Imagine that total strangers who care, but friends and family who don't give a rats ass.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Luanne, I think that is a common experience most bereaved parents go through. Those we knew continue on and jut do not understand how shattered our lives have become. 

Georgina, thanks for the pic of the robin...I noticed the difference between our robins here and that one...The red on the bird you posted goes further up on its face...

Becky, I am sorry to hear of your health issues. Getting a shot in the eye sounds just horrible. 

Kate, good to see your post, is the snow melting off up there? Today was a warmer day than most that we had in northern WI.

Tonight I had to go to my friend's grandson funeral. My friend just lost her husband in December, and we just recently got together about a week ago. She called me back the other day to say her grandson accidentally shot himself when handling his gun. He was a hunter but somehow the gun went off. My friend's children were raised with Jesse. Her grandson was Cole, and only 22. I am just exhausted but wanted to be there for them as they came to Jesse's funeral. 

What is odd is that  about a month ago I had a very vivid dream about my friend. We were together in this dream and it seemed like we were giving support to one another. We were also in a room that looked like a hospital room. About 2 days after the dream, I did wind up in the hospital, in a room similar to the dream. (I had a herniated disc and am managing better now). However, after I got out of the hospital, we went to a health seminar together and right after that the grandson died. I do believe in messages or Universal Guidance...and dreams are often the conductor of such messages. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Laurie, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and her many losses in such a short time. How very sad. Life life can seem so unfair. Make sure you take care of your back. It sounds as if you have had a really challenging time with everything. Our weather has been just lovely. I woke up this morning to a brilliantly blue sky and the sun is shining brightly over the lake. It looks like a wonderful day shaping up. Thanks for sharing about your dream. I believe in messages as well. Some people are more open to them however. It can give us such hope and comfort. When I saw the eagles in the tree it was as if there was something I was supposed to remember... but darned if I can... try as I may. It was very odd indeed.

Luanne, there are those in my life that I mention Jeff's name to and then there are several that I do not even bother with. People can surprise us with their reaction. At first I was angry and disappointed, but after several years I have learned to let it go and not let them get to me. They simply are not worth it. The support you will get will surprise you. It is a time for great change in your life and an opportunity to make new friends. 

Dee, I hope you had a good week in remembering your  Eri.  Hope the sun has come out for you to get out and enjoy the weekend.

Becky, how is your eye today? It did look quite sore. You have had so much on your plate to deal with lately. Hang in there.

Sending love on this beautiful day.

Kate

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Hello....it seems every time I think I have time to post...the phone rings...or the doorbell rings...I have been hostess to lots of company here lately...also have had many 'gatherings' at my home...my home is so suited for gatherings...and so centrally located...our daughter and GRANDkids host their friends here and this time of year our little town celebrates Confirmations...Graduation parties. Our small town recently lost a young man...who graduated last year...Class of 2016...our twins were in his class...car accident. We lost 2 10 year old girls...one in a car accident..the other a 'horse related accident'....the two were on the same softball teams..I am so grateful that our community knows how to circle the wagons and give care and compassion to the families. We, the parents on this site,  know there are dark days ahead for those families.

Laurie....I, too, believe in messages from our dreams...I will write about my 'visitation dream' later....how is your back ? Did you have surgery ? I am beginning to think that many parents have these ailments from the breakdown from the grief stress that is put upon us. I will write more in detail later. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on this topic. I know for sure grief can break us down.

Kate....our new little man is one of the happiest babies I have ever been around. We had him for a few days here in Brenham....his Mommie...our Tay got the flu...(the flu is still making a round this late in the season)....he sleeps from 10 at night til 5:30 in the morning....our daughter and SIL are beaming and grinning and delighting in their new roles as GRANDparents....and they bought him lots of Texas A&M clothing !! Posting some pics...the tattoo on Tay's arm is from a letter from John David....she was simply shattered when he died....I think those tiny hands have lots of healing in them...

ScreenShot939.jpg

IMG_9306.JPG

IMG_2828.PNG

ScreenShot896.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Laurie....so sorry to hear about your friend's loss...you will be such a comfort for her.

Dee....I did not know you were on a cancer medication....but....it is a gift...that you no longer have to take it...maybe no one else knows...but we, too, will think of it as a gift from your girl.

Luanne....I am going to post a story later...about 'friends and family' not being there but for now....I am so glad you found this place/site of care...I don't know where I would be if I did not have these friends who have supported me in the last 4 years. The best comfort is that all the parents  on this site walk in my shoes...I do not have a circle of friends that has lost a child around me....and I do NEED people that understand how my emotional and physical life is so far.

ScreenShot935.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Laurie, I am with you on what some dreams can bring; messages too un-developed at the time to change anything, but somehow a precurser. I had many of those in my life, and certainly the three in a row, and a fourth a week or so after the three in a row...all about something about to get Erica...the fourth one was a funeral for her at the church where we actually had her funeral. All of these came in the two months prior to Erica's death.  I am so very sorry that your friend's Grandboy was killed. Oh how very sad indeed. I sure hope that she can feel the love all around her.

I too think the robins are very different looking: Georgina's robin is shorter and more squat, so cute. Ours seem larger.

Susan, that little Man is so beautiful. I know that you must be so very glad for your Tay to be a happy Momma. What a sweet Child.

Kate, yep, the sun was all about yesterday and so we could finally decorate Erica's tree at the school park. It was a brisk and windy morning, but  the kids enjoyed the experience. And I love seeing her pink streamers waving in the breezes. Today more sun, and warmer...so glad as the magnolia's buds begin to fatten and begin to hint at opening.

Becky, I am so sorry that your eyes are still such a trouble for you. Never ever worry about missing a birthday, I know where your heart is, it is always with we parents and our kids...I just wish we could do something to make sure of your healing.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan, my goodness...is he ever getting big. You can see how happy and well loved he is by his smile. Sweet little love. Make sure he has a measles inoculation. They are making a comeback again after all of these years. 

Gretchen, you out there? I'm dying to hear what you are working on these days. Please share pics if you can.

We just returned from a lovely walk by the lake. We are dog sitting today for a neighbour who had to go into the city to attend a funeral. Scooby is a beautiful white retriever. He is an absolute joy to look after as he is so well behaved. Unfortunately they are calling for rain tomorrow...and I'm hoping it will freshen up things and maybe wash down the dust. Our spring flowers are so much behind most as we are further north. My tulips are only now poking up through the ground. 

I will try to post pics of the eagles in the tree if I see them again soon. What a crazy sight it is. The branches are covered with them. Have a peaceful weekend everyone. 

Kate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Jesse David and Taylor Mom Jeff's Mom Tears in heaven and Mermaid Tears

Thank you all for your replies.  I thought I was the only one who had family  and friends who had deserted them.  June 18 2011 the day before my daughter died.  That's were they all went back to.  Their normal happy perfect lives.  Of course my entire life was changed forever.  The hurt and pain that this has caused me was just one more sad thing I had to deal with.  My husband said I shouldn't be mad at them cause they just don't understand.  But the friends i dont ever want to see again and  the family i will keep at an arm's length so as not to get hurt again.  Thank you for giving me a safe place to talk.  I have a whole new outlook  on who my friends are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Dianne for the notes on eagles. I do believe eagles are one of the ways Jesse uses for signs. Even my sister-in-law noticed this...

Luanne, I have found this place to be my sanctuary...I can post here, and know that there are others that truly get it. 

Georgina, how are things for you? 

Dee, I remember your dream stories...my mom always references Dr. Bernie Siegels on this topic as when my older sister transitioned, he was one of the few writing on such topics, as of course was Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

Susan, thanks for the pics...the baby looks so happy...

Kate, do you have any plans this year for Jeff' site?

Cheryl and Silky, thinking of you...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Laurie, yes, those dreams were foreshadowing what was to come...and the sense of ERica not living long came to me about a year in front of the event, I spoke it to my friend next door and she was upset by it but I said i had to say it aloud, that I just had a feeling but I didn't know why. The feeling became more insistent as the year progressed.

So what is the prognosis Laurie, for your back? Do you have to do some rehab and do you need to wear a brace?

Kate, I can picture the pretty dog you are watching, what a lucky dog to go walking along with you guys. Your plants are probably about 2 weeks behind ours...it's very exciting.

I took such a nice long walk in the sunshine and wind today, this time to stores and bought three new books. I have to have books to read and I am a slow slow reader, so I either get them from the tiny little book boxes folks have out on thier lawns, or buy them. I cannot get them from the library as I take longer than the date allows. Reading disorder. So I walked to the bookstore and to a few other shops today...and I sat on the deck to read and write in my journal. Oh the blessed sunlight. And the plants are popping. We have already cut some daffodils, the bluebells are coming along, about a foot high with muted hints of what will follow...the trees and my allergies are budding and blooming, Time for some sleep, I wish you all deep rest tonight.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
JD's Mom, Becky

Thanks to each that asked about my vision, my eye feels a bit better today and I think it looks better too. At least my pupil is back to normal. 

IMG_20170408_083252.jpg

I'm putting drops in every couple of hours and getting plenty of rest.

Susan, those pics of your little Veto are just precious! I just love when you all post little kiddies pics, just makes my heart smile!

The weather here is starting to warm up, supposed to be in the 70's this week! I hope I'll feel up to getting outside. Gotta rest, doesn't take long for things to get super blurry.

Love and hugs to all!! 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Becky, ouch! Anything to do with the eye makes me nervous. It does look a tad better today. Take care.

Dianne, thanks so much for all of the info on eagles. There is actually an Eagle Fest in the fall at Hecla Island that is about an hour drive north of here. Bald Eagles are an truly wonderful site to see. Their wing span is huge approximately 80 to 90 inches. It takes four years for them to have a fully white head. I remember a couple of years ago driving past this particular tree while on the way to Gimli. I nearly did a double take. The tree was full of eagles just sitting sitting on the branches with the sun shining on them. It was an amazing sight. I saw it again not long ago. I have put my camera in the car and will take a picture if I have the opportunity again. Will post for sure.

Dee, it sounds as if you had a lovely day yesterday. Music to my ears. We woke up today to dull skies and chilly weather. The forecast for the week is very disappointing. These ups and downs are playing havoc with my perennials. They say that Easter day will only reach just above zero. Heck, I remember wearing my new Easter outfit to church when I was a child. It was always a lovely sunny and warm day. This weather change is not to my liking at all.

Laurie, I hope to adjust the gardens at Jeff's site this year. Make them slightly larger and fill them with some different flowers. There is to be a family gathering of sorts in July and they have not been to his site yet!!!!! Sooooooooo, it is about time. I want to really jazz it up. Hope your back is ok today.

Have a peaceful day everyone.

Kate

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kate, I know how you feel, just when the sun began to shine, we are told to look out for clouds, today is beautifully warm, very breezy and cloudy, but I am out on the deck with my laptop...doing some homework and hanging out with the birds. The Birch tree is beginning to get her jewelry, the little dangling seed pods that hang from her branches, they are just starting. As the season gets underway, they lengthen and drip like necklaces and bracelets from our tree. Love that. The daffodils are swaying in the breeze, tiny purple squill are up and dotting the yard, the forsythia is in bloom and my neighbors weeping cherries are in bloom, so beautiful Our lilac has buds and the tulips are about 4 inches up.  Tiny finch flit past and the cardinals are building new stronger nets for the babies. Nuthatches are waling down the river birch headfirst, love that acrobatic skill. Cutest tiny bird hopping in the plants right now, she is tiny grayish and tan, with an eye stripe of brown, some kind of finch I think due to size, but perhaps a migrator as she seems different enough looking from the others in the area. She is reaching up and snatching tiny flying things out of the air. Adorable. The robins are nearby, building a nest on top of a light fixture on our little balcony. I like them there as it is protected from big winds there.

Gretchen where are you and are you fine? I sure hope things are so good that you keep painting and experimenting with your art. Like Kate, I can't wait to see what  you show us next.

I don't know where my comments for Becky went...Becky, heal as best you can so that you can be outside in your upcoming good weather...do you wear protective eyewear when you go out? I wish you nothing but feeling  better.

Well back to grading math tests...kids are coming to dinner at 4:00. Better work while I can.

Love to All-old or new here, we are a gathering...a group of well intentioned survivors.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

dee love those descriptive words about Spring, Here in the UK Spring is springing! Lots of earlyflowers out, trees blooming and birds singing. Frogs singing and tadpoles are hatched in my pond. Butterflies are flitting around and it feels quite peaceful here. It has been sunny for a couple days now and I feel the urge to garden again something that I lost 18months ago when I lost my Tommy.

Kate What gardens are you doing for Jeff? It is good to grow beauty in this world which can be so sad for us.

becky feel better soon. Your eye looks so sore. i had a scratched retina once and it was really very painful, so I cannot imagine how you are feeling after injections.

23 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

As well as its ties with the powerful energies of the sky, Eagle holds a deeper meaning. From eagles we learn that life looks different from an aerial perspective. We need to take a new view on the challenges in our lives. If we don’t readily find solutions it may be because our vision is too limited to see the solutions that are so glaringly obvious. The eagles’ home is the freedom of the sky. He spends most of his time fearlessly flying high above, bridging heaven and earth. The vision they possess helps us learn to take a step back and view the bigger picture. We need to view the past and the present objectively, whilst looking towards the future. We need to open our minds and hearts to see past old, restricting beliefs that are holding us back. Eagle teaches us to courageously face our fear of the unknown, so we are then able to fly as high as our heart’s joy can take us. 

All of our beautiful children fly on eagles' wings.

 

Dianne as always your insights on eagles and life after death is so accurate. We need to all learn to fly again after being grounded by loss, taking several times to master the feeling of flight until we can soar again and face the sun.

Luannej I understand the anger and hurt you feel by being let down by people close to you. As time goes on I hope you can feel some thawing toward your family members. You are right they dont understand because they can't, but anger and bitterness are quite destructive emotions and to heal yourself sometimes forgiveness brings some relief. i was able to forgive the young man who essentially caused my son's death albeit accidentally, and after I was able to do that I felt a lightening in my heart because I know my son would have wanted that to happen. It took a while believe me but it was a good thing. I know when people hurt us we avoid them but sometimes opening yourself up and being vulnerable is a good thing. Just a suggestion, don't be mad at me, i am not judging you, just be true to yourself.

Laurie i am sorry that another young man you knew died so tragically. you are so brave to be able to attend a funeral, I have not been able to do that yet its still too raw.  Your dream insights or presights are interesting, i believe the mind is an amazing thing and that connections can be made in an unconscious state or in dreams. I still long for one from my son telling me he is happy where he is, but I think I block my mind because I am afraid somehow.

i have directed some more newbies to our site but understand if it is still to painful for them to post. Timing is everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Tears in heaven I absolutely love your posting of from the outside looking in..  that is just so true. 

Becky your eye looks so sore. Hope you heal soon.

Jesse David and Taylor Mom that is so sad to hear about your friends grandson.  I'm sure you will be a great support to her.   I remember going to another young persons funeral after our daughters and it felt like a scab being ripped off

Mermaid tears.  These are pictures of your grandson. How adorable. Reminders there are still some wonderful moments in this world.

 

Tommy mom.  Thanks for the advice.  I will be polite but will forever be hurt that people could not send a quick text or email or call or just something to let us know they were there. Like jeffs mom says there are those you just don't mention it to anymore.

To all of you describing your beautiful spring weather good for you. Glad you can enjoy it.  No matter how much the sun shines I just see doom and gloom. The warm weather just reminds me of that nice warm June day when my world was taken away.  May someday I'll feel the sunshine again.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Luanne...and other parents who feel as if family and friends have forgotten about you....I have a story...to share....

I have/had a friend who I have been BFF since 5th grade....I will call her G....she had a beautiful daughter named Robin...a little older than my daughter...Robin was diagnosed with melanoma when she was 25...(another layer to this is my little sister and Robin became close friends because both husbands were avid sailboat owners and they made many sailing trips together)....Robin died...I lived in Slidell at the time....I kept in touch by phone and we wrote letters back and forth...I 'thought' I was 'there' for her...I thought I was reaching out to her. G died 2 years after losing Robin....the death certificate said she died of cancer but now I KNOW she died of a broken, shattered heart. Deep...dark Grief was the cause of her death. Recently...when I was there and there and there...I found the last letter she wrote me before being diagnosed and in that letter...which I now read with new eyes...the same broken heart...I read her deep sorrow and she mentioned the fact that many around her seemed to have forgotten Robin....and the creep Son-in-law would not let her have the Wedding Album...(that is all she asked for)...I feel so very guilty in that I did not do enough to reach out with care and compassion...I let my sweet friend down. The only defense I have for myself is that a parent cannot even imagine how painful this kind of grief is until it happens to you. Nothing can prepare you for this. So....please forgive those who seem to turn their back on you...they are just ignorant of what you are going through. The only ones that can understand are ones who have been touched by this loss...and know what you are living as you walk this earth home without your child.

ScreenShot946.jpg

ScreenShot943.jpg

ScreenShot941.jpg

ScreenShot938.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan, it sounds to me that you were staying in touch wihich is so much more than many do with a friend who goes through a loss like the loss of Robin for G. Though I agree, those who back away...do so because they simply do not know how to handle the grief that lays inside of us, that changes us and that changes our relationships to everything and everyone! None of us understood the depth and enormity of grief until we were standing in it...struggling to learn to walk and breathe again...I had to back away from some of these people too, no longer being able to find any common ground from which to go forward. WE find our way, sometimes with our old friends and family and sometimes without.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Luannej I wish I could help take some of the burden of grief and loss away from you. I know too well how the weather and everything else seems meaningless. I dont think I even knew what the day was like outside each day for over a year because I was so shuttered in by grief. i struggled with agoraphobia and didnt care about anything so I do understand how you are feeling. i dont know what to suggest to help you heal except counselling and medication. Although talking about what happened feels like a scar being reopened and is very painful, talking about it gradually takes away the stronger emotions and helps you to move forward. i was sceptical at first because nothing would bring my Tommy back but it did make a big difference. I was able to talk about him with my counsellor when so many people dont talk about him because they are afraid to upset me, but i did want to and still do talk about him. i guess i am at a place where I start each day and continue on as best I can. I do push some feelings down because they would bring me to my knees and i would acheive nothing, and I still have up and down times, we all do, that is normal in the life" after." I feel that there is a reason i am here and i have to keep on fighting to find that reason. it is a hard struggle my friend. When some of us talk about the weather or things that may seem incomprehensible to others it is because we are trying to celebrate a little hard won happiness and show there is life after death that's all.

Dee you are right some relationships are worth holding onto and others fall by the wayside. it is up to us to make choices and decide who is going to be in our life and who we are better off without. Sometimes though as the grief subsides you have a change of heart and that's ok too.                                         

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Mermaid tears  what a sad story. But it sounds like you were very supportive to your friend. I have never asked anyone to hold my hand or go to the cemetery with me. I just needed to know someone was still there.  But they weren't. I feel like Ericas mom that I have no common ground and just need to back away. I have been let down by Drs psychiatrist friends and family. I'm glad I found this site.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Bob, I love that you are involved with bees...I love when folks are trying to restore our environment by adding homes and places for bees. Thanks for doing this, and what a great thing to nurture and to use up some of your energy. I am sorry that no arrests have yet been made...soon I hope.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Bob glad you are bee keeping. I love bees and plant bee friendly plants in my garden. They are happy little creatures humming happily about and I hate that pesticides are killing them off. I think caring for something is beneficial to our health when we are grieving. Hope the case continues well for you, sleep deprivation is only one symptom of grief and anxiety so taking care of that problem is good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Thanks Tommys mom for your kind and comforting words.  I am really confused as to where I am in my grief journey and was hoping someone could help.  When my precious daughter died, I totally froze.  I did not yell, scream, beat on anything. Not one single solitary tear from the time I found her til she was buried.  I felt nothing.  I could not comprehend or process what had happened.  I even tried to speak at the funeral and just ended up rambling about stuff and said nothing about how much I loved her and missed her.   I went on cleaning my house, shopping.  I had my sisters pack up her room.  I did everything but face what had happened. I carried on like this for many months. I then went to a psychiatrist who only gave me 15 min for talking but just kept giving me more and more pills.  I had a handful to get me thru the day and then  a handful to put me to sleep.  So I never had to deal with my grief.  I just walked around in a haze all the time not feeling much of anything. I ended up losing my job of 30 yrs as I could not concentrate. He then told me I was being stupid and delusional because I couldn't get over my daughters death. After five years of this I finally came off them and quit that Dr. (Last January) . Certainly I was grieving in those five years even with all the pills, but now I have more clarity.  I sunk into a really deep depression and have now started  on one antidepressant.   I don't know how I should feel after almost six years.  Someone gave me the name of a therapist dealing with complicated grief, but am not sure if I should go. I have so much guilt over not getting in that bathroom sooner where I may have saved her, the stupid speech, no tears  or breaking down.  Even what I chose to bury her in I don't think she would have  liked.  What must people  have thought of my behaviour.   My daughter looking down thinking I didn't love her. The only thing I did was promise  i would be with her soon. Then I couldn't even do that. When is it time to forgive myself for all these things.  I don't even know where I am at in the grieving process.  I am 56 and too old to be hired anywhere so am just taking an early retirement. She deserves to be here,  not me and I would do anything to trade places with her.  Can anyone help.  I don't know what is normal anymore.

 

,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou Ann, it has been a full seven years since my Jeff died. I am not the same person I was before that night. I never will be again. We all go about dealing with this in our own unique way. There is a cushioning effect that surrounds us at first. The shock is just too great to deal with at the beginning. I can only encourage you to use all resources at your disposal to help you along this horribly difficult journey. The meds are great if they offer a form of relief. However if they take you to a place where you are not able to function properly than you need to re-examine again the direction you are taking. Finding a new Doctor was a good idea. Why not give it a try by going to the therapist? Walk in with no expectations. Just remain open. The hardest thing to do is to forgive ourselves for past mistakes. Your love for your daughter shines through your writing in your posts. She most certainly will know that by now. What she was wearing is not of any importance to be honest. Your love will always surround her like a comforting and gentle hug. Hang in there.

 

Hey, Bob...good for you. I am a major flower lover and plant everything that is environmentally friendly. My property is alive with bees, wasps, butterflies, birds, etc. Bee Balm is a huge attraction to the bees. It looks pretty nice as well.

Sending warm wishes to All for a peaceful evening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou Ann, I am so sorry that your grief was kept back from you...at first by your shock, which many of us deal with, the numbness, the carrying on because we have to, but then the meds that over-medicated you and did not allow your grief to come forth. Many people keep grief at bay, through busying oneself or sheer will, but grief demands our attention eventually, and I guess for you, grief is knocking loudly on your windows, demanding your attention. Greif has to be reckoned with. Hold our hands and allow yourself to wander through those scary places like GUILT...no matter how our Child died, we all have it. We all have to face it at some point...if we want to live with any kind of hope again. Lou Ann, guilt and anger are part of our Child's death. Look at Elizabeth Kubler Ross and see that those stages of grief are not linear, they reappear and come back in different order when we have not yet found some of what we need to go forward. Many of us could not bare to be angry at our Kiddo, afraid that being angry at them will be disrespectful...but sometimes our kids died due to something that makes us mad and it is okay to be mad. Your Girl loves you- loves you- loves you. She wants you to find out how to live again, and you do too or you would not have found our place here. So you took that gigantic big step, and we are glad because we know that you need to go through grief in order to see it and place it in your life. There is no dodging it. Hang on to us because we get it.

How should you be feeling? Where are you on your path? It's okay to not know. So now the work you will do will perhaps help you find out. We will leave you bread crumbs to show you your way back here each day, you will not get so lost that you forget where you are but you do need to explore this side of your heart and spirit. I would say going to someone who specializes in complicated grief is good but you may be better suited to work with a woman...just because somehow it may be easier to connect. Can you tell us more about your Girl? I think that telling is part of it all. Tell us all you are able about both her life and her leaving. Your story is important, let the tears come full on if you feel them, they will stop when there are no more, don't be afraid. And if you are afraid that there will be no tears, it does not mean you are not grieving. Explore your life with us, and know that we will hold you up if things get really tough.

Kate, I agree with all that you said to Lou Ann and to Bob. I love bee balm, have three colors of it here, love it. My neighbors weeping cherry trees were covered in bees the other day, so that was great to see the pollinators out and about. READ: THE BEES by Laline Paull, amazing. It is fiction told from inside the hive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Louann You are on the right track. You coped as best you could back then by stuffing down emotions in order to carry on, but grief will always come out often years later because emotions can only be hidden for so long. What you have is unresolved grief often called complicated grief reaction or abnormal grief reaction and it is curable. Therapy is the best way just know if you dont click with someone after a few visits then find another therapist sometimes it takes a couple. Therapy is not so much them telling you what to feel or do its about you talking about what happened, your reactions and emotions or lack of and how you are doing/feeling now. It is unburdening your anger fear guilt anxiety etc to someone who will not judge you. It is about talking out your feelings, crying, raging whatever until those feelings are resolved more clearly. It will not take away your sadness, that will always be a part of you, but it clarifies things and puts things to rest. It is also someone you can tell your deepest darkest thoughts to which you cannot tell family members in case they worry excessively or think you have lost your mind. This thread is also a light form of therapy, trusting yourself to share as much as you choose with others in a neutral setting. sometimes just reading others posts is helpful as you recognize traits or feelings in yourself. It is about having the courage to stand up and say "I will not be a hostage anymore to grief. I will go through this and I will not only survive I will thrive. i will make my life liveable again because I deserve it and so do my family. I will make my life count for something because i am worth it." As for what clothes you put your daughter in is not important that was just her earthly bodiy shell,her spirit soars free wearing whatever she likes whenever she likes.

jeffsmom

9 hours ago, Jeff's Mom said:

L. The hardest thing to do is to forgive ourselves for past mistakes. Your love for your daughter shines through your writing in your posts. She most certainly will know that by now. What she was wearing is not of any importance to be honest. Your love will always surround her like a comforting and gentle hug. Hang in there.

I love those words you wrote. love and hugs go together. Sometimes I close my eyes and hug myself thinking of my boy and sending that love up into the sky it is a spiritual hug because I cannot give him one in person, but that's ok.

Dee your experiences with grief give very valuable insight to others thank you for that.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.