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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Dianne,

Thank you for making me feel less alone. Some days the sorrow is just so big it's unexplainable to people. It's simply too large to fathom.

For me it's been 8 months and I still weep sometimes. And lose threads of sanity. And would rather be alone.

Dee,

For me, work was just kind of a delay of the pain.  I had to go back pretty quick but at least they started to allow me to stay at home and work from there. I think I was making others really nervous and it was best for everyone (and my focus and productivity) that I stayed at home and worked from here.

Clay... clay is my resting place. It's the place I go to when I really want to feel and express myself. My work these last 8 months is like nothing I've ever done previously, and I feel like I am pouring myself into it. It feels really good to be up to my elbows in mud.

I did pick up a shirt while I was at the conference that said, "Mud-slinging Pyromaniac" and it made me smile.

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Tommy's mum

To all of you having a difficult time I am mentally putting my arms around you to let you know you will survive this, you will be ok and you will find living bearable one day I promise.At 15 months on from losing Tommy I turned a corner and found a purpose to living. I do not know where I am supposed to go or to do what but I do know there is a reason we are all here suffering, we all have something to acheive still in this world, some advice and love to give, something we need to do before we pass from old age . I have no clue where I need to be, or how my future will shape up now I am classed disabled but i am supposed to be here because my serious suicide attempt in 2015 failed and it should not have. here I am in March now and I got on a coach on my own, got on a airplane on my own and went back to my old home town in PA on my own. I have been with my old friends and talked more in the last couple weeks than I have in months and months. I have spent weeks and weeks in total silence before that ,ruminating over my thoughts and sometimes in a blank fog. So i have made progress. Am I healed? No far from it but I accept now that there is a reason I'm here.We do not have our reason for living revealed straightaway it comes about gradually. Are we chosen? I don't know, If so I wish I hadn't been but I am in this situation and I have to find a good reason in losing my son. I do not have faith anymore I believe in the goodness of people and the power of Nature and in helping people one person at a time. Do I believe in Karma? No if I did my ex would be punished for his many transgressions and continuing mean behavoiur. Do I believe in fate? i just don't know. I would like to know how other members think about this if anyone would like to comment. I am still on the learning curve myself and would welcome comments  to maybe help clarify my thoughts. At the end of the day I do not really care about fate kismet or god, I just know I have to heal myself and do something worthwhile for this world in some small way. My son's story of bravery went around the world, was in national and international newspapers and on the tv. I am a nameless nobody but a bereaved mother and that is fine i am ok with annonymity (prob spelled that wrong!) and if I can help just one person in amaeningful way then I have done something worthwhile, something my Tommy would approve of. I still feel lost I feel alone I am vulnerable but I have made it out of the abyss and for that I am grateful.

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My daughter keeps saying all this happened for a reason. I don't know , I try to believe that and keep telling myself it happened for a reason, but just to believe in something right now. I'm raised catholic, but after this horrible nightmare 2 month ago I don't believe anymore. In faced this week I'll get out of the catholic church. Would have done that already if it wouldn't be so hard to get out of the house........I got to go to the office here with my passport , so they can take me out of the system . Sometimes questions like is there a god.....come to my mind, but before I can really think about that the next questions are but why did he let that happen .......come up and that's when I start feeling exhausted even more and make myself stop thinking about that. My head is so full with thoughts about my son Steven missing him and all, I think there's no room for anything else in my head, except how to get through day by day. Right now it doesn't matter to me if there is a god or not or whatever it is, it doesn't change anything.

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I think that in those early times Divianz and Silky, that the whole idea of what your belief system is...is simply too much to face or figure out. Is there a God, such a huge question for any person, but one under the duress that the death of a Child puts one through is beyond anything else. If your faith in A God was strong before losing a Child, chances are you will find your way back to some kind of belief again...but it is shaken, of course. THose with little belief in an after-world or a GOD, have a different struggle. All of it struggle though. My thought has always been that God is not a HE but an energy of goodness and that God/Heaven are a place in which we meet up with the spirits that left before us. A place of great peace. I will say that having had this belief prior to losing Erica helped me then and  has helped me since. I know that the sese of our Kids and the messages we find from them reaffirms this for me. I have no connection to formal religion and was baptised Catholic but never believed in the doctrine. I had my kids at a Church in town when they were young that was basically an open and affirming place whose whole thought was in out-reach, in assisting others: non denominational.

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Tommy's mum

Silky you are totally right back in the earlier devastated days your head is just totally filled with anguish and you are trying to make it through an hour at a time or less. There is no time for thought processing outside just coping on the here and now. Through my grief journey as the shock clouds cleared a little I had to work through each stage of what happened to my son speak to those involved and get a picture of what happened etc. With my bereavement counsellor I worked through my nightmares my fears and anxieties guilt etc and came to a more stable place. Now at this stage of my journey, I think it is common to question faith and beliefs because I guess I am trying to find where I am in life, where my place is. I dont feel a need to have a religion but I know people who have faith and it can definitely help them. My youngest sister has a strong faith and it brings her comfort and balance and a focus. My other 2 siblings are atheist. What I do know is I have to adjust to my disability and conquer my anxiety and depression with a view to getting a job in the future. I am still learning how to be a stronger person after the death of my son, it will not define me but it has altered me considerably. I have changed mentally and physically but ultimately I think I will be ok because there is no worse thing in the world than losing your child. I hope that other members of our little family here will see how far they have come already and realise that their words are so valuable to others and see that there is a future and hope ahead.

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I just went to see the movie The Shack. While I am not much of a person of faith, I must say it has really uplifted my spirit, a real feel good movie. I needed something like this today, it eased my pain and sorrow for the time being. Makes me reflect on possibilities. I definitely recommend.

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Silky-----In the early days after the devastation and despair of losing a beloved

child.....as you have lost your dear Steven.....the mind just concentrates on the

child that left this world too soon.  I remember in those early times,.....I thought

about my baby,Lisa. (in 1970), and years later, my David.  I thought about them

24/7.  One's mind is not ready to accept the loss so early on.   Each grieving

soul must find their own way.  There has never been a book written, a sermon

given, or advice offered that can ever prepare a parent for the loss of their beloved

child.  The bond is so great......and the love;   and the connection will always be there.

Peace & comfort, friend. 

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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RIGHT ON Sherry, no truer words spoken.

 

Dann, glad that the movie raised your spirits some. Whatever ways we can feel a bit of hope, lets light into our darkened places and let's us know that we can one day let more light in.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Joe's mom, 

I'm glad that the movie raised your spirits.  I went and saw it last week but it had the opposite effect on me.  I cried sooooo hats and wanted to walk out.. it was too close to home.  I'm not a spiritual person since I lost Ricky.  I'm very angry at God! My husband read the book a few yrs ago and heard it was a feel good movie as well. However ,he didn't  remember alot of it and apologized for  taking me to see it. We are all very different in what makes us feel good.  

I hope everyone has a great day/night. Stay strong. It won't be easy ,but everyone here understands. To all the newbies, so sorry for your losses. Please read,vent,or whatever you want to do. This is a place that we all know the emotional roller coaster this journey is.  Some days will be better than others.  You're not alone ever! 

Here's my Maddox at 3 1/2 mths old while I was babysitting him today.  He is what keeps me going! I love this precious boy with all my heart.  20170329_131443.jpg20170329_135644.jpg

loooovvveeeeee his baby blues! <3

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Wendy, the photos are lovely. Enjoy these wonderful days on your little Man. I never read the SHACK nor want to see the movie...I have read many books that deal with death of a child or loss of sorts, but that one just doesn't appeal to me. Our grief demands different things from us each, we need to feed it and do what we can to find our new footing.

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Thank you everybody, good to now I'm not alone.

The book the Shack, I wrote many years ago and the one recommended it to me was the pastors helper, who also leaded the group for the communion my son was in. That's strange. And last year for no reason I gave that book to my daughter to read, because I thought it was a good book.....and now right after my son died , there's a movie about that book. If I believe, I say that's a sign , but I'm not. What a coincidence !!!!

My son suppose to be in Berlin with his school class this week. They planed for this school trip for a while and his teacher said that Steven put a lot of effort in it. I know he was looking forward to this trip, he kept telling me what all he would do there. Two nights ago I walk up at 12 am and had all kind of thoughts about that trip in my head. I got up , went to his room and couldn't stop crying . I kept telling him that he suppose to be in Berlin with his school class having a good time. Little things, big things, everything hurts so much.

I told my husband yesterday that I'm so angry at everybody and everything for no reason. I always been a compassionate human being, but now not anymore at all. Can't believe how this changed me and my feelings about a lot of things.

Erica's mom , I like the way you think about believe........my big question is : Is Steven in a good place, maybe better place now ? I really hope all of our children are.

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I am having a really shaky day today, and I have had to go in to work for a meeting which always sets me off kilter. Routines are comfortable for me right now, and I get really out of sorts when my routines are wrong. I have a lump in my throat and my heart is beating really heavy right now.  Meeting is in 20 minutes and it can't be over soon enough so that I can go back home where it is comfortable to cry if I need to.

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Tommy's mum

Joesmom  and Silky I am glad you found a movie/book that helped to lift your spirits and it was good of you to mention it. ANYTHING that can help us through these very dark times is valuable.

On 3/29/2017 at 9:54 PM, daveydow1 said:

  Each grieving

soul must find their own way.  There has never been a book written, a sermon

given, or advice offered that can ever prepare a parent for the loss of their beloved

child.  The bond is so great......and the love;   and the connection will always be there.

 

Those quoted words are piercingly accurate we each find our way, some take longer than others, the circumstances are all unique but at least here we can have an outlet to share and reminisce and offer support to each other. No one gets it like someone who has been there.

Devianz I understand your shakiness it hits me still frequently. Routines become comfortable because they can be done on autopilot without too much thought. Anything out of the ordinary becomes something bigger than it really is doesn't it? Some parents temporarily develop a minor form of obsessive compulsive disorder because the need to control something when your whole life has been shaken up and left you without control of so many things including your emotions and coping skills. We are like snow globes, settled and with a pretty scene then violently shaken, leaving us in a terrible snowstorm where we cant see our way and where to go, and blinded. Then the snowstorm settles leaving the landscape the same but also different. Each snowstorm subtly changes the landscape differently every time. There are familiar landmarks to guide us but they are sometimes hard to find. I am a very visual person so when I write or describe  I liken it to something, must be the hidden poet in me!

I had a very rough day yesterday, no reason just that welling up of sadness that spilled over into frequent tears. Unfortunately I was with a friend and not on my own where I could have just had a good bawling session and been done. Instead I kept trying to reign it in which sometimes is impossible. She is a very dear friend and let me explain my thoughts gave me hugs and shed a few tears alongside me. Even after I got home, everything set me off again, a kind message from a friend on Facebook, the sad stories on the news and even Chicago Med a show I love to watch! Today I feel more calm and able to do things, I just needed that mini breakdown to let out the emotions boiling away under the surface. You know how e all have to push stuff down to be able to function in the real world.

So keep on going guys togethere we are a team, rooting for each other!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hello my dear friends,

As I read the posts, my heart goes out to the new parents here.  My son, Brian died in June of 2008 at 16 years old.  He decided to climb on the hood of a car, with a friend.  The driver reached speeds of 68 mph, lost control.  Brian flew off the hood and hit the ground.  Brian died within minutes.  The other 2 boys walked away.  The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our house.  The driver is a convicted felon for homicide by negligent use of a motor vehicle at age 17.  He spent 4 months in jail.

I know we are living every parents worst nightmare.  I came to this site to find hope and I found it.  The best advise I can give is take one day, one hour, one minute, and yes, sometimes 1 breath at a time.  The future seemed dark to me, so I did not go there for a while.  I had to find happiness again.  

You too will live again, but until you figure out your place in this new life, be kind to yourself.  

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Colleen, so good to see you this morning, with Brian's face shining out at us. How are you? The Family? I am glad that you came to share your story with the Newbies here, the encouragement is palpable...your heart is giving what is needed.

Finally some sunshine, it has been 11 days since we have had any sunshine. I was starving for it. So today it is here, and the rainy pattern will probably continue next week but for now, thankfully, we have blue skies and light. Maybe the sodden ground will dry out a bit.

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JD's Mom, Becky

So last night I am watching a movie, when this ringing noise came from the direction of the corner where Jared's urn is...But almost as soon as I turn on my camera, it stops, but then when I turned the camera off, the music started playing from the photobox above, the song "mama"...Getting louder and louder until "mama, you know I love you", then stopped. I'm not crazy, I think Jared knows I've been really moody thinking about his upcoming 21st birthday! I love you too, Jared.

VID_20170402_030448667.mp4

VID_20170402_030518905.mp4

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Tommy's mum

Becky that is strange but also very comforting.

Hi Colleen glad you have made it through. Could you share what helped you please for our newbies so they can see there is hope and light again? To see that life can be worth living even though it has been changed beyond recognition? Thanks.

So it has been an eventful three and a half weeks here in the USA. Weird being back on our old stomping grounds again. I have driven around the schools my kids attended, saw the fields where they played sports, their favourite stores etc. Memories came flooding back in waves, mostly happy but sad ones too. One of the most difficult things was visiting their old pediatrician to request copies of their vaccination shedules which I had lost. I walked in and requested for the three of them. The receptionist smiled at me and said "I think you forgot Tommy's, do you want that one too?" My eyes filled up as I lowered my head and brokenly told her Tommy had died. She was mortified and apologised profusely and I hurriedly left and sat in the car bawling my eyes out. Another sad time was yesterday when I was buying Easter candy for my kids and told my friend I planned to mix them and give them to the four children. My heart skipped a beat as I realised I would not be getting any for Tommy. Simple things can hurtle us back in time and place, back to sorrow and tears. But then it passes. My heart will always ache for my eldest son, I will never stop missing him but I hope to go on and acheive something worthwhile in my lifetime no matter how small.

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Lesley, it is good for you to focus on your hope of making some good in your life. The way you are moving forward with your three kids, always acknowledging their Brother, your Son, is wonderful. Achieving something wonderful...the world is open to all the wonderful we can create...have at it, knowing that your sweet Son is rooting for you.

 

Becky, once again, Jared is letting you know that he is nearby, watching over you. Loving you through songs and signs so that you never have to wonder...My goodness, Jared's 21st birthday. I know that 21 is certainly a benchmark year. My girl always looked forward to 21, but never reached it, dying at 19. My Girl's Birthday is this coming Tuesday...4-4-84. She would be turning 33, which is very hard to fathom. My Sweet Erica Eileen. And the day following her birthday is my Grandgirl, Erica Elizabeth's 4th birthday. I know her Auntie loves that Little ERI came so close to her own birthday. Magic occurs all around us.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Becky, thanks for sharing the videos. I too had an odd happening on Saturday. I had opened both the doors on my patio, the screen and the actual glass door. I usually do not open this, it is the first time this season. I went to the restroom and when I came back to the dining room, both the screen door and glass door were shut. No one but me was in the house at that time. My daughter and I just watched your videos. Thanks for the share.

Dee, thinking of you with Erica's birthday coming tomorrow. 

Ricky's mom thanks for sharing the pics.

Sherry, I think what you wrote is right on,

 "One's mind is not ready to accept the loss so early on.   Each grieving

soul must find their own way.  There has never been a book written, a sermon

given, or advice offered that can ever prepare a parent for the loss of their beloved

child."
 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thinking of all Indigoes today, may you find some gentleness in the day and some moments of rest. It is okay to let the grief come in and to cry when you need to. Take it one step at a time.

 

 

someday.jpg

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Tommy's mum

Laurie that picture quote is just lovely. We will all look forward to our "someday". Glad you had a sign too, something to hold onto isn't it?

Dee I hope your angel day is not too sad and you are ok.

Dianne that picture is also lovely very peaceful.

Only a couple days left before my time in the USA is done. I miss my family and my cat but it will be a wrench to leave all my dear friends again knowing it will be several years before we meet up again.

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Happy Birthday Erica,

Your Mom loves you and needs your spirit around her today!

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Last Monday, March 27th was 1 yr since I lost my precious Tony.  It was a hard week leading up to the date especially, Sunday, March 26th.  The accident was a Sunday.  My grandchildren were just numb all day Sunday and so was I.

 We were able to go to the gravesite on Monday to remember his life.  It was so very hard. You see his oldest daughter was unconscious when they removed him from the car and she never got a chance to see him again until the funeral.  She took is very hard at the gravesite. My other son had been trying to be strong the whole year, but his brother's angel anniversary was too much for him to bear.

We put beautiful roses on his grave the whole month of March.  He deserved to have something actually living there.  

I find myself at his grave almost daily.  I just can't seem to let him go. He would say "Ma" come on now, get on with your life, because you made sure I had a full life growing up and supported my dream of having my own youth organization".  Well, Tony, it is much harder than you think. There is such peace at the cemetery. I know almost 90% of the people who visit on a regular basis.  We clean each other's love one gravesite if needed.  We sometimes just meet and walk around the cemetery admiring how much love is out there and share stories. 

Wendy, I have been thinking of you a lot, because your precious son's angel anniversary is the same day we buried my precious one, April 6th.

I am just so anger, which I know is not helpful.  This time last year,  I was with my daughter in love, picking out clothes to bury him in. OMG!

Tony, Mom loves you and wish you would come visit me in my dreams sometimes.  I do wish I could feel his presence, but I believe I have blocked so many emotions in order to smile and keep going, that I am numb. 

Cowboys Staff 293.jpg

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tommy's mom, there were times for me when someone posted something just what I needed. It can be so hard.

Cheryl, you will know what is right for you in regards to visiting the cemetery. My mom, visited her infant son for years on Memorial day, and later when my older sister, Julie, passed in 2003, she still visits her site several times a year. One couple up here when I was first visiting Jesse's site, have been caretakers of that cemetery for years. In fact, a small chapel was built on site (by the grandfather) for their daughter who passed in the early 60s. When I first went, I learned how to clean gravestones, so every so often I would clean up some of the long ago stones. An act of respect for those who have gone on. I admit, I seem to be having a harder time with going there now. For myself I have realized that life continues on for them, as it will for us once we lose our physical body. I identify with my son as still alive, just gone ahead. Even if I don't like it and cannot accept it. 

You will find as most, that bereaved parents live in a state of duality. What was, what is. The inward feelings and thoughts vs. what we have to put on for show to the outside world.

Some bereaved parents seem to come to a better acceptance point and get their "step" in this world. Some don't. No wrong or right in this, or better or worse. It just is what it is. 

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HAPPY   HEAVENLY  BIRTHDAY,    ERICA.   SOAR THROUGH THE

FLUFFY PINK CLOUDS, AND SEND LOVE,.....SUNSHINE,  AND MOONBEAMS

TO YOUR MAMA AND ALL THE FAMILY. YOU ARE ALWAYS WHO LOVED.

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Thank you everyone, for the good Birthday wishes for Erica. Tomorrow I will go to her site at the cemetery, I don't go very often anymore. I will not go to school tomorrow, I usually do teach on her birthday, but tomorrow is an institute day with meetings no kids. I can't see spending ERICA"S birthday doing meetings about the crazy crap being done now in education, I just open my mouth and get into trouble...so I will have a quiet Erica day and take your good wishes with me. I miss Erica, always will, she exists in my everyday, though I know that I cannot hold her physically, I sure do hold her deeply. Dianne, that image of my Girl on the moon is so perfect. Thank you ever so much.

erica eileen in a tree.jpg

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My girl is in heaven

Is this the right web site? Loss of an adult child

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Jesse David's & Taylor's Mom that quote is just beautiful. We'll stay in my head all day today.

Happy Birthday Erica. Them birthdays must be really hard, don't even wane think about I Ericasmom.

My dad's birthday was yesterday. He's died 2 years ago. I went to his grave and ask him to take care of Steven.......it was vey hard. My daughter went with me and after we went for a long walk and talked about everything. When I came home I was worn out. Day by day.

Wishing you all well

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....sorry I missed your girl's birthday...and it was your birth-day, too....a day to let yourself go back in time and memory...for we never forget the day our child was born....and the flood of happiness when we hold that child that grew under our hearts. This is a little poem I wrote for my GRANDchildren...for their birthdays...sending it to you and Eri.....

Mermaids sing their songs....At morning tide...and evening time....but on the day...that you were born...they sang their songs...all day long.

I spent John David's birthday in quiet....but was loved and supported by family and friends...his friends...and the friends of his siblings...I felt very calm and cared for.

ScreenShot146.jpg

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Mermaid Tears

Hello sweet friends....I have been there....and there....and there....and there. I only get on this site on my computer in my office....so...have read some posts....but not enough to keep up with all the new parents that are on the site now.

I lost my John David in August of 2012....one late night or very early morning...(horrid insomnia)....I was looking something else up on the net and was 'guided' to this site....and this was my life line....I felt as if my human body was going down...down...down....and caring hearts and hands reached out to me...and brought me up...and I discovered I was not going crazy....I was only in deep...deep mourning. I call the parents that have lovingly...and with great empathy...stayed on this site for years....our 'Spirit Guides'.....they are the parents that are farther up the grief journey than we are...and they wave to us....to let us know....we can survive this .

For the new parents....you will find healing and caring here.

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee sorry I missed your dear Ericas birthday. I lit a candle and said a prayer today that you felt her near to you yesterday.  You give so much of yourself to us all Dee I hope you had as nice a birthday as you could too xx

 

image.jpeg

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InHeavensKeeping

Sorry I haven't posted for a while I've been really struggling so much. Everyday is such a battle. I see so many newbees here and wish you all peace and goodwill.  This isn't an easy journey that we are all on and members of a club that none wants to belong to. 

I thank you Dee, Dianae, Laurie, Sherry for all your posts that have given a glimpse of hope and a reasone to keep going.  

Take Care gxx

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Mermaid Tears

thank you, Dianne.....as all parents on this site knows....sometimes 'life' leads you....and sometimes you lead your life...I don't have time to chronicle all that has kept me busy...and out of town...and in town..and out again....but....all is well. I like schedules and organization....but there are times one has to let go...and go with the flow and and find your gypsy heart...til it leads you back to the starting point. More later...I have discovered that without being in touch with parents that understand where my feet are on this grief journey...one has some deep conversations with their soul.

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Today is Erica's birthday so none of you missed it, though I appreciate your wishing her and me some good thoughts. I visited with her today at the cemetery and lay some pink carnations for her. I strolled the cemetery for about an hour and came home. We will pick the kids up from daycare and bring them here and have a little birthday time for Big Erica, and give some of Little Erica gifts to her tonight since her day is tomorrow.

Susan, I am sorry to have missed your sweet Son's birthday, but I just don't have that list anymore, usually count on others to remind me, with your not being here, I was worried about you. I am glad that you enjoyed a good ANGEL birthday though. So glad to see you today. My birthday is not till later this month.

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My girl is in heaven

Hi everyone. I guess reply to topic is how you start out as I didn't see a new topic button?  Anyway your stories are all so heart breaking. I wish I could give you all a big hug.  I lost my 17 year old daughter almost six years ago to an apparent cardiac arrthymia.  She was a very healthy and active girl with no medical problems.  A few years later I lost my job of 29 yrs due to my grieving.   I had a lousy psychiatrist who gave me 15 min, got me on so many pills I could not function, and then told me I was being stupid and delusional because I couldn't get over my daughters death.  I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. Any of you who feel like you have come out on the other side and found a way to live with your grief, how did you do it. Was there just a moment when you knew you could go on, was it just gradual so you didn't really notice or how have you done  it. I think about my daughter all the time and every site, smell, groceries, teenage daughters and mothers. Everything reminds me of her. She has been without her mama for almost six years and I just want to hold her again.  Any help at all I would so appreciate it.  I have a husband and two sons who I love dearly, but she is always missing.  I wish I could take all.of our pain away.

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Tommy's mum

Luannej hi you are in the right place! Everyone is different with grieving. For me it was a gradual process, very slow, just an awareness that I was having more "better" days. These better days were when I was able to function better, self care and not be crying all day and a little more reflective and in the present. This continued slowly and then I noticed I was thawing out and I was able to laugh a little again and see peace in Nature. Finally I was able to leave my house more and be able to decide that I did have a future and plan toward a volunteer job. I still have tough times but they are much less often and I can usually reign myself in after a little while and be ok. I still have some numbness of my spirit. Music and gardening are two of my great loves and I have lost enthusiasm for both but that is ok it will come back or i will find something else. You need to be very strong as a bereaved parent but you also need to learn to talk yourself down and to vow that you will make a difference and that you will not only survive but thrive. Easy to say I know it is definitely a process. Remaining in mourning is not a testament to how much you loved your child, it can become a habit, there is a familiarity with repeated behaviours or rituals. making a decisive step toward a future is not only beneficial for ourself but also for our families and friends. They have seen us shrivel up and disintegrate emotionally and have felt useless. There comes a time to stand upto grief and allow yourself the chance to live and thrive. Each of us will come to this realization at different times but its a conscious choice that you need to be brave enough to step up and accept the mission. The first year is the hardest, the second is hard in a different way, after that I have not experienced fully but I recognize that it will be ok. I hope everyone can find some peace and some strength to fight. It will be worth it.

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BrokenHeartedMom

I have been reading the posts on this site for the last few months. I don't even remember how I stumbled onto the forum. I lost my son on October 14, 2016. Even now, typing those words is practically unbearable. People seem to expect that now that it has been almost six months, I should move on. Others have. How can I move forward when the only thing I want in the world is to go back? My heart aches so much. I spent almost 39 years as Jeff's mom and never in all that time did we go six months without talking. The drives to and work are the worst. That was our time. He would call or I would call and we'd spend the time talking about everything and anything. We used to laugh that he was a fountain of useless knowledge. I lost my godfather to suicide many years ago, which was hard. I lost my dad to cancer 15 years ago. That was hard. My amazing, loving brother in law was murdered two years ago. That was hard. But none of that was like this. I find myself not wanting to wake up. I just don't want to do this anymore. I feel so broken and lost.

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BrokenheartedMom...I just read your post and I am so very sorry for your loss.  I think that one thing that everyone on this site will agree about is that we will never be the same again. As time passes we just learn new ways to carry our grief. Time is a great healer and the searing pain of those first few years start to ease somewhat. I do believe that losing a child is by far the worst loss of all. It is not the natural order of things. Nothing can ever prepare us for such heartache. Go easy on yourself. Let the tears fall and don't try to live up to others expectations of your grieving. Jeff will always be your son and while he is no longer here physically he will never leave you in spirit. Hang on with both hands.

Kate

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Cheryl, so sorry that I did not wish you a peaceful angelverssary, we all know how very hard it is to face those dates, especially so early on, but even now, July 8th is a hard hard date for me, and it will be 14 years this year.

Dianne, I love the robin information. They have always been my favorite bird, their song the very prettiest, greeters of the day and also the ones whose tweets are the last of the night. I talked to a group of robins yesterday in my driveway as I was getting into the car to travel to the cemetery. I pretty much told the Robins, thanks for being with me Sweeties. I always talk to Robins. Good news for me yesterday, went to the oncologist and she told me that I can be done with my cancer meds...it's been 5 years now, and almost 5 years of meds, so she said...you can be done. I am so excited, and to me, that was a gift from Erica.

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What a beautiful gift on Erica's birthday.  Happy Birthday to Erica and I am so glad to hear that you don't have to take the medication anymore.  Those kinds of medication can make you so run down and it will be nice for you to get some of those chemicals out of your body. What wonderful news, Dee.

BrokenHeartedMom,

I am so sorry for your loss, I am glad you spoke up and shared with us and I am so sorry for your loss.  I also lost my son just a few months before yours and it's been a living hell for me.  Moving on is something you will never do in the sense that others want you to, but you can start to slowly build yourself into something new, but different.  This is our burden, the parents of children who died. You expect to have your child around you your whole life, and suddenly something rips through those future hopes and dreams like a category 5 tornado and leaves a gaping path of destruction and loss where it goes.  These are the toughest days, where we try to put our house back in order. We try to find all the bits and pieces of the hope that once was and bring it all back together as memories. It's photo albums and journal pages, but don't let anyone tell you how long it should take you to rebuild your new home.  There are no insurance adjusters to come an assess damage and make payments to ease your suffering.  We have to put it all back together and sometimes that can even take decades.  And that's okay.  There isn't a magic window of time that you should be looking through.  Give yourself time, do it at your pace, one day at a time, one hour at a time, but be sure to take rests and take care of yourself. Let people help you where they can, but don't let them dictate how you should heal or set a timeline for you.  There is no normal. There is no "right amount of time". Just know that many of us are in towns just like yours, examining our homes that we destroyed and we are slowly building them back at our own pace. Sometimes people have extra materials here that we can share with one another.  Sometimes we have to borrow tools from each other.  Sometimes we just want to sit on what's left of the front porch and share together about our circumstances.  We all live in this town, it's our town. It's a town we live in and we grew up there and have family and friends there.  It's a tough journey and a lot of tough work, but our children would want a roof over our heads and a table to share dinners upon.

There is a great book I got after my son was murdered called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD. It's about dealing with sudden loss, and is one of the best of the books I either received or purchased myself after my son passed.

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Tommy's mum

Brokenheartedmom I am sorry you lost your precious son. None of us can ever go back to before that is the sad truth no matter how much we want to. By joining this forum and having the courage to share is therapy. Tell us about him and feel free to share your feelings. Writing those words about your child dying is very hard it makes it real. The next step is being able to say those words and I had a difficult time learning how to say them. I did it over and over again until I am mostly able to state my son died without breaking up. It is important to acknowledge and accept the painful reality rather than be in denial. I remember as a family we all kind of pretended Tommy was still away in Hawaii for a few months because it was an overload of information and too painful to process all at once. Recovering is a gradual process, taking the facts apart and dealing with them individually, making sense of what has happened. Shock incapacitates you at the beginning it is your mind protecting you from the horror and pain of loss. I believe the most important thing to remember is that our children are not gone forever they are gone for just now, and we will see them again some time in the future. Know that they are beside us every day, talk to your child and ask them to help you when you are struggling and acknowledge your child in ways meaningful to you and your family.

Dee I am so pleased you can come off your cancer meds, that is great news. You are a true warrior.

Kate your words are very healing and heartfelt. Helping other members with your own experience is valuable.

Dianne I liked the information about robins. Are there any other subtle signs that show us our children are near?

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