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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Christopher's Mom

Hi Joe's Mom,

Thank you for responding to my note.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't begin to tell you how much time I spend re-playing every moment of Christopher's life looking for where we went wrong.  What could we have done differently, I'm a social worker! I help other people's kids but could not help my own -  feel so much guilt and emptiness.  My eyes burn from crying so much -

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Christophers Mom, your loss and ache is so new and yet in some ways, must feel like a long time ago, because in that instant, your life before Chris died is a lifetime ago. Our lives are forever changed, as are the siblings and relatives and friends of your Son. I can't believe that you are already back to work,  hard to face the day to day so soon, but for some, it is best. I hope you have co-workers who will be flexible and caring as you travel this path. It is not a linear path, instead, we go up and down and return back at point A when we least expect it. Just hang on, we are here to tell you that you too will get through this deep deep grief.

You live nearby, I am in River Forest, Illinois. I lost my Daughter nearly 14 years ago, she was 19. You just keep coming back here, read and when you want, tell us more about Christopher, his life and his goodness. As far as guilt is conerned, almost each parent has some form of guilt, we none of us, could prevent our own Child from dying, no matter our job or our abilities. Your Boy will always be your Son...he will always love you just as you will always love him.

Peace,

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Yesterday I went to my dentist office, I had to get a filling. It's 30 min. away driving where I live .Since I don't drive or go anywhere anymore,  almost 8 weeks now, since  that nightmare happened, I was nervous going by myself. So my daughter came with me, what I really liked. After the visit at the dentist, we went to get some groceries at the store next to the dentist office. You know, I still don't go to town or in any store where I live. My daughter mostly talks a lot what is good, so she kept my mind of things . On the way back it felt  nice, to have a couple of hours, where my mind wasn't stock on one horrible place and I could breath a little. When we came in the village where I live, it hit me again right away. My throat closed up, my brain reloaded the pain, anger, sadness,........in a second. I trooped my daughter off ( she lives with her boyfriend ) , went home and couldn't even make it in the house, when I was sitting in the car in the garage, having a crying fit......don't now how long I was sitting there. It felt like that terrible day, when my son died, just happed. After I went inside the house, I was done with the whole world again. I went on the couch watched TV till my husband came home hours later. And yes like you said TearsInHeaven.....grief takes everything out of you.......

In situations like that, my loving son would have put his arms around me and tell me : " everything gone be ok , mom ", like he did so many times...........but his not here anymore.  I like to believe he does it from wherever he is now. Miss him so much, he was my sunshine everyday.

I'm so, so ......sorry for everybody on this forum , so sorry we all have to be here.

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tobyfreefoot

Ok my question is this. Now that I am not stuck in the horrible pit all the time how do I stay close to forest? It seems that the intense grief connected me because I could feel that overwhelming love when I was screaming with pain. Now that I am not living in the pit it seems my connection is gone. Where is my beautiful boy?

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Tommy's mum

There seems to be a slow increase in the newly bereaved parents where each story tugs at my heartstrings for their losses. However I am encouraged by the fact they have found their way here to this forum where we all help each other it is so important to have a safe place to share and vent and read. Also great is the encouragement given by parents who have been dealing with the death of their child for years and how they have managed to pick up their lives and move on in positive ways, that gives hope to those still in the abyss.

Tobyfreefoot Forrest is not gone you know that. He walks beside you every day encouraging you silently to make your life happy and successful and make meaning in his memory. I know what you mean when you say the screaming pain spoke of your love for him but that needs to pass so that you can focus on rebuilding a new "after". Our children do not want to see us in such pain anguish and distress but they also recognize that in order to heal we need to go through it so we can come safely out the other side. There will always be a vital piece missing we all gave a part of out hearts and souls to our loved ones to keep safe until the day we are reunited and can receive it back from them. That will be a joyful day but it is not now not here today. Honour your son in ways you instinctively feel is right. Helping others is the best way to honour them because helping comes from love and we all have love inside us that we long to share. I feel my Tommy gave up his life willingly for his friend because he cared so I need to care for other vulnerable and hurting people so the chain of caring is not broken. i was a nurse before, but I cannot return to that because of my disability limits, so I will volunteer for charities as I am able and then focus on getting a job again. I talk to Tommy often especially when I am struggling asking for him to help me because I do not have a religious faith. Nature is a powerful force and I feel peace when I stand by a stormy sea, watch snowflakes fall or creatures thrive, that is a form of therapy for me as I do not have talents for music, poetry or painting. (wish i did) You have not forgotten Forrest by healing you have acknowledged that life will go on after his death and that you will be able to look back and say "I acheived this for you, son. Your loss made me do things i never would have done had I not lost you. It has made me a stronger wiser, more empathetic human being and i will make you proud of me. Life as we all know can throw curveballs, throw mountains in front of us that seem impossible to climb, form thick choking mists of misery, extinguish light and take precious lives that we loved. But life can also have beauty, light, friendships and relationships, new lives and new experiences. We just need to battle on and not give up, not give in, give love to people around us and stay strong. You are just entering a new life phase, we are here when you doubt  and when you stumble. You are not alone ok?

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Tommy's mum

I fucking hate violence I fucking hate terrorists, I fucking hate people spreading fear and  tyranny. Apologies for my bad language people it is just I am British and when stuff happens like this terror attack in London it makes it more personal. I feel the same way for the USA where I lived for 18 years, that is my second home. Watching attacks in other countries makes me angry and sad too but that seems a little different less personal. I am sorry I am just ranting, where an action causes a reaction. Sorry.

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Rant and Rant Lesley and all those who have seen violence hit their country again. I am sorry. And the word you used, I use each day for I am a swearing woman. It makes no sense to take the lives of others when you are filled by hatred...it is not anyone's fault that you have so much to be angry about, certainly no the folks who had nothing to do with your life. Goodness knows those who die in such a senseless crime are leaving behind thier loved ones for what???FOR WHAT?

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Tommy's mum

Thanks Dee and Diane for getting my rage. I swear now more than I ever did "before" but normally I do not put bad language in any posts on social media. Today I am calmer and just plain sad.Sad for those lost and injured and sad for their families, and sad for the world we live in because we cannot coexist peacefully as human beings. The "for what" Dee is what drives bereaved people to try to change laws and promote safety issues highlighted by these tragedies. When you lose a loved family member sometimes you are able to be an advocate for someone else to affect positive change whether it be a highway or Amtrak issue, a medication error or hospital mistake,  forming a support group whatever so Good can come out of evil. For many many years in the UK we always used to say  "Love trumps hate"  (Trumps is a well known card game and the ace is known as the trump card because it beats all other cards) but that saying  now has a new meaning since the election, so I will try to adjust my vocabulary in case I accidentally offend anyone. We are NOT doing politics here!!! It is  interesting how the same thing can mean something else in a different country isn't it? I have had my moments in saying or assuming different things whilst living in the States all those years.

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tobyfreefoot

Thanks. You guys made me cry but helped me out a lot.

Tommy's mum lesley?  I swear all day everyday and I find the f word most expressive. I am outraged at all the violence everywhere but when it strikes here or the UK or france it somehow seems so personal and horrific. My ex (forest's dad) lives in Wales. I just went over summer of 15 and visited. I am so sorry to see this. I don't know how to stop it. 

I also have 4 kids forest forever 28 would be 34 and his sister 29 brothers 27 and 24 close to the same set up as yours. I also have no religion. I lack that wonderful faith everyone else hangs on with. I did have a psychic angel lady) give me messages that fit from forest so that helped me a lot. I live on 40 acres of woods so have that close connection with nature.

Thanks again lesley and dianne.

Here is a collage I just finished. Don't seem to want to do anything else.

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Tommy's mum

Tobyfreefoot I love that collage you are very talented. Glad you had a good old weep that is therapeutic in itself but it also makes you feel drained doesn't it? My son is 20, my daughters are 22 and 24 Tommy had just turned 24 in the same August he died. I don't work out how old he would be now it is too painful, so to me he will always be 24.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Hello to my Indigo family, 

I haven't been on here in months.  With the loss of mom 2 mths ago and Ricky's 1st angelversary coming up next month I'm a complete mess.  I'm having tons of health issues on top of it all.  Just want to stop by and wish everyone here lots of love and know that you're not alone.  20170105_175012.jpg

This is mom with her great grandson.  

The next 2  is of Maddox for his 3 mth pics.  I so love him! <3

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This one is my new tattoo I had done out of my mom's ashes to honor her.  

Sure do wish I could turn back time and tell them that I love them one more time. :(

 

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Dianne thx.  He is my only joy but daughter won't let me see him.  I'm just so tired of pain.  Been going through mom's things today and just lost it.  I miss Daniel, Danielle, Ricky, mom and my dad so much.  It hit me the other day that I was an orphan! :'(

I hate it that everyone is here going through so much pain! However, I'm happy I made it here to vent and know that everyone understands me! 

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Gretchen, I LOVE your collage. I adore the colors and the joy that springs from your work. I read what you said yesterday but had no time to write...my thinking is that when we find ways to stop the horrid pain, it is complete joy to our beloved kids, no matter where your beliefs lie. Their hope would have to be almost exactly what our hope for them would be if the tables were turned...think about what you would hope for your Kids if you left early...that they could sense your love in all they do, that they know that you are rooting for them and that they find as much joy in the world and in it, remember your love, take it with them everywhere they go. That is what our Kids want for us. Hanging onto the deep and darkest parts of their lives/deaths, isn't the essence of them. Hanging onto the laughter, the games, the music, the passions that helped them be so full...that is their essence.

Peace Dearhearts

Wendy, that little Maddox is beautiful. Hang on Wendy, you never know when someone has a change of heart and decides that you need to be a part of their life again.

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Does anyone know where Susan is?

Laurie, how are you?

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tobyfreefoot

Wendy the baby is beautiful. I hope someday you will be able to spend time with him. Years ago my sister in law had an encounter with a man in an elevator who had just lost his father and they both realized they were orphans. It must be an odd sad/lonely feeling. I'm sorry for this on top of the rest. 

Dee thanks for the praise. Here are the other 2 collages I have done since being on disability and wreath/pics for roadside site.

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Christophersmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Christopher, so recently.

As others have said.......there is little that one can say.  The pain is so great, that it's

hard to make it from one minute to the next when it is so recent.   Please, just come back

here and post/read when you feel that you can.  When you are on this site, you are with

people who totally understand.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Gretchen------I just love the collages......they are stunning.  Thanks for posting them.

 

Silky-----I am sorry for you loss of your dear son.  Please come back......everyone here

understands.  We're here to understand and help, if we can.

 

Wendy----Good to see your post.   Thanks for posting the lovely pics.  I love seeing

the photos.

 

PEACE   AND  COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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Sherry, what is new with you...all well? Are the crops being planted in your neck of the woods?

Gretchen, I love all three collages, the clothing on the clothesline is a delight. Your florals are lovely.

Silky, I remember those early days, when going somewhere took me from my deep seat in grief for a tiny moment, if only to pay attention to something else for a bit of time, but returning always meant returning to the last place I shared with my Daughter...but the sharpness of that ache will get less so with time, not fast by no means, but eventually. The first year for me was filled with sharp pain adn hair-pin turns of emotions. That is what going through grief is like...One piece of advice that many books will express; don't make any huge decisions in that first or second year of grief, there is already so much change in your life/lives, so don't make more. Many folks want to move when they lose someone...it often isn't the best thing to do. Sometimes we just need to find ways to be in our lives, as painful as they become, and struggle our way through time until we can find small bits of sunlight again. You will too, we have and you will too.

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Tommy's mum

Wendy. Maddox is adorable.It must be so painful not to be allowed to see him, I'm sorry. I also really like your tattoo that you got to honour your Mum. I have not yet found a design that "speaks" to me to honour my Tommy. I have looked at hundreds of designs over many months but feel I will recognize the one I am supposed to have. My whole family are anti tattoos so it will need to be hidden, also for jobs in the future. It will a tattoo for me not for anyone else so I don't feel the need to show it. i also want to have my  other 3 kids honoured in it because all my children are equally important to me.Sounds like you have really been hit hard with sadness recently. Losing a parent must be hard I don't know because I am lucky to still have both of mine, but I am also very close to them and see how a major loss of either or both would be very painful.Once you have been unfortunate enough to lose a child not a lot else seems to matter, however when there is another death in the family it brings up a lot of stuff/feelings that were thought buried. Death is a natural part of the circle of life, we all grieve because we just wanted longer with that person.

Gretchen keep using your talents to bring beauty into people's lives, it is healing for everyone.

To all our other Indigo members, stay strong, keep sharing, and hugs

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tobyfreefoot

My husband gets upset with me and thinks in over sensitive when I get quiet when he plays a lot of murder ballads and songs about death. I can't help but think of forest when the lyrics go on about being cold in the ground or never coming home again. We just had a big fight because he kept asking what was wrong and wouldn't drop it then got mad when I told him all those songs caused me to think a lot. He thinks there is something wrong with me. Is there? I have never liked those kinds of songs and really hate them now

 

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Gretchen, there have been other times when he has been insensitive to your heart...so I would say to him, I can turn the channel when a song comes on the radio whose lyrics are hard on my heart, but I just need you to know not to sing those songs around me. Passive aggressive! So what if you seem over-sensitive? I know that I am and probably always will be since Erica was killed. I really hate it when folks say: "What a train wreck" while describing something unpleasant, and I sit there thinking, do you know that My Daughter died when a train wrecked into her car? No, I do not think there is anything wrong with you,

 

Dianne, what a pretty screen shot. I love all the ways you have provided comfort to our Newbies lately. Look at how you are using your heart to help others.

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Deep Beats

She is a deep beat in my heart,

a part of my everyday,

a cause for my tears -both joy and ache,

she is the breath in

and the long sighs.

 

That deep beat in my heart,

that was added when she left,

is evidence of her presence,

protected always

in my promise to carry her everywhere

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tobyfreefoot

Dear Dee. Thanks. You know it wasn't one song. We were in his truck and he was playing an entire CD of murder ballads from the 20s and 30s. I was just biding my time waiting for it to be over. I was just quiet thinking of cold ground and death and forest and he just wouldn't quit needling me about what was wrong until I told him then things went crazy from there. Seriously as I yelled **** you and tried to jump from the moving truck but the door was locked lol. I realize I am still effected from ptsd but I have been feeling really well and doing much better but once again he pushed me close to the edge. I'm not trying to be melodramatic and I am not that over sensitive really but Jesus give me a break. If he just would have left me alone we would have got to town got out of the truck and moved on. Anyway thanks for your thoughts and your lovely poem. Peace out

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Gretchen that is really quite bizarre on his part. And just not nice. Sending gentle thoughts. 

Thanks Dee for the poem.

I still read here, I am sorry there are so many newcomers. May you find rest and comfort in the days ahead...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Still reading here, Ricky's Mom, what a lovely pic of your mom!

Tommy's mom, quite honest I swear now more than ever. Especially right after Jesse's passing and the trial. period I think that the intense pain brought it out...it was not at anyone, just swearing, especially when I was alone I would have swear fits -- that I had to be here, and my son was not. Every thing seemed so hard -- so insurmountable. This world seemed like a totally foreign rock, and what the hell was I doing here? I felt and still do, feel displaced in this world. I have not accepted Jesse's passing, neither do I plan to as long as I am alive.

I guess some would ask: Why? The answer I would give, is because I can...

...I got a kick in the ass from the universe...he did too. Again, for me,  I don't think that there is any merit in total acceptance of what has come to pass...but if someone else takes a different path...it is all ok...this is just for me. 

I recently just viewed "We Bought a Zoo" with Matt Damon. I did not realize it was based on true story of a man losing his wife. I thought it was unusual that the movie's main character actually described grief as it really is, without the usual super annoying platitudes. The real man, Benjamin Mee is from France, and there is a book he wrote. I might try reading it.

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Laurie and Dianne, acceptance for me has never meant that I am aligned with Erica leaving the way she did, at that young age. I accept the reality of her leaving, and I accept that I will always miss her, always carry her, and will one day see her again. I accept that life has continued to go by and that in it, some lovely joyful events...and in each of those I thank Erica and wish she were here: physically here, so that we could celebrate those good things together. I accept that no matter how much time passes, I will miss her fully, and will talk to her each day. I will always ask her to help direct my days, help me to make good decisions. That is just my take on acceptance.

Dianne, I am happy that you are feeling some of the healing that happens when you reach out to those who need your words/your care.

I know that our Children love us, and I know that our hearts are full even when broken.

Love to you Each, and hope for us all in our ache and loss.

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Tommy's mum

Acceptance is an emotive word isn't it? I agree with you Dee I have accepted my Tommy's death and that he will not be coming back but I will see him again in another life. i accept there will always be a piece missing in our family and that there will always be a before and after the accident.Your words are spot on.

Gretchen I too am affected by music and lyrics sometimes they are just too close to the bone for comfort aren't they? Sometimes music helps depends on how I feel at the time.I think it is good to let your husband know how you feel and try to be away when he plays the music that makes him feel better. You are just grieving differently that is all and thats ok. I am surprised constantly by the unpredictability of emotion it hits like a tidal wave and you never see it coming. Being back in the USA has sparked a lot of memories mainly happy ones, and it is safe being with dear friends who knew and loved my children throughout their childhood. We have had some sad times together but its all therapy!

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tobyfreefoot

Thanks everyone for your kind words. We have had a long conversation. We were both hurt so much by the music incident but I think we understand each other better now.

Speaking of music my favorite Dylan song is on the radio-it takes a lot to laugh, it takes a train to cry

Tommy's mum-it is nice to be with people that remember your kids from childhood isn't it? Kind of a comfort that they knew your child then and they realize how much you have lost. 

I talked to all my kids on messenger tonight. My somewhat estranged younger son contacted me first. Sent me a funny French pop music video to cheer me. And I had a dream of forest last night. One of the only ones I've had. I was buying some stuff for him and was loaning him money to buy an engagement ring with black stones like maybe black sapphires in it. That was all but I got to talk to him in that old familiar relaxed way we had and I got to sit next to him. So I feel pretty fulfilled tonight having heard from all my kids 

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I am smiling Gretchen. You really heard from all of your Kids today. Wonderful. How nice that visit with Forest. Magical the way those visit-dreams make you feel. Glad that you and husband were able to talk it out too. Good and Good.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Thank you all so very much.  I've been in my own pity party alot lately.  I have the most wonderful news! My daughter decided I needed to be in Maddox's life and now I'm watching him 3 days a week.  Today is my first day and I feel soooo blessed.  He is my pride and joy.  We had a garage sale this weekend and it was really rough going through mom's things for the sale.  I only had 2 car loads but it felt like a lifetime of memories.  I still have a 10× 30 stage to go through and my brothers can't do it, it's just too hats for them.  

Mary Ellen,your pain is so new.  We all understand what you're going through. The best advice I can give you is take each minute, day and week one step at a time.  You will get through this with help here.  I'm coming up on my Ricky's 1st angelversary on the 15th and it still feels like yesterday that he went away.  I have found comfort here even by just reading.  Share when you feel ready or just read.  It takes time to be able to talk about it.  There will be triggers that come out of nowhere and on those days I go get Ricky's blanket and just smell him.  Please take care of you cause this will take a tool in your mind and body.

 Gretchen, this collages are so beautiful. 

Thanks to everyone that shares there story, fears and happiness. This does help me knowing that there is a place to come without judgement.  

This is a pick I took of my Maddox on Saturday.  He is my blessing! 

 

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This is a pic of mom that came up yesterday on my timehop. I so loved our goofy times together.  This was right after she was diagnosed with cancer. 

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Wendy, how amazing! The turn-around of your Daughter's feelings, her need for you to be there for she and Maddox. I send prayers to the universe for helping us find our lives again...out of ash we find our roots.

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tobyfreefoot

My daughter is on her every few days rampage. My husband says it is cruel of her to threaten suicide all the time when I have already lost one child. Her mo is just awful. I love her and we can have great times together but her mental health is just off the charts and I have no control over it. She won't get on medication so she cycles through crazy every few days. Ugh. Wendy I am so glad your daughter has come around. Your grandson is precious!

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Back from my conference, and bit off way more than I could chew. I was NOT ready to be around all those people.

It was a blessing that I was staying with my sister, or I would have lost my mind. I did forget to take my anti-anxiety medication one day and that was a horrible day. I felt like I was losing all the threads of sanity I had left and went into full on panic mode. So exhausting and debilitating. Heart beating a million miles a minute, shaking like a leaf, unable to catch my breath. I'm glad to be home now, the flights were pretty bad too...

Wendy, I have a memorial tattoo as well.  It brings me great comfort to look down and see it looking back at me. It says, "But only for you it will be as if all the stars are laughing" and it is from the book 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

And it's from the part where the pilot in the desert has to say goodbye to the little prince;

Quote

 

Once again I felt myself frozen by the sense of something irreparable. And I knew that I could not bear the thought of never hearing that laughter any more. For me, it was like a spring of fresh water in the desert.

"Little man," I said, "I want to hear you laugh again."

But he said to me:

"Tonight, it will be a year . . . My star, then, can be found right above the place where I came to the Earth, a year ago . . ."

"Little man," I said, "tell me that it is only a bad dream--this affair of the snake, and the meeting-place, and the star . . ."

But he did not answer my plea. He said to me, instead:

"The thing that is important is the thing that is not seen . . ."

"Yes, I know . . ."

"It is just as it is with the flower. If you love a flower that lives on a star, it is sweet to look at the sky at night. All the stars are a-bloom with flowers . . ."

"Yes, I know . . ."

"It is just as it is with the water. Because of the pulley, and the rope, what you gave me to drink was like music. You remember--how good it was."

"Yes, I know . . ."

"And at night you will look up at the stars. Where I live everything is so small that I cannot show you where my star is to be found. It is better, like that. My star will just be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch all the stars in the heavens . . . they will all be your friends. And, besides, I am going to make you a present . . ."

He laughed again.

"Ah, little prince, dear little prince! I love to hear that laughter!"

"That is my present. Just that. It will be as it was when we drank the water . . ."

"What are you trying to say?"

"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You--you alone--will have the stars as no one else has them--"

"What are you trying to say?"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night . . . You--only you--will have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you . . ."

And he laughed again.

"It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh . . ."

 

My Nathaniel as a child had beautiful blond hair, blue eyes and was always laughing. I used to call him My Little Prince, and we read the story together. He considered me his rose, and here he is on my arm... always watering the rose and laughing.

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Silky,

The times you spend with your other children are precious, but I also find that they are hard as well. I mourn for myself, but also mourn for the relationship that the siblings wont get to have. I try to really enjoy myself, and often make a good show of it for their sake and cry later when I am alone.  For me, both of my boys were twins separated by a few years in looks so it makes it especially hard because I see so many things about my youngest that is a mirror of his older brother. I see his smile on my younger child's face. Sometimes it makes it very hard.

Gretchen,

Your art is beautiful.  I find great healing in art myself, and I love your collages.

I also have been having arguments with my husband. About little things, for me it's that I don't care very much about where dinner comes from, or what we are watching on TV, or what are plans are. I just don't care about small stuff anymore. I feel like I wasted so much time on little things and I just want to be near someone. Some times I just want to sit close by and not say anything. It's hard for him because he's so outgoing and engaging and I am feeling a bit disengaged. He sweats me over the little things, wanting me to have opinions and input and I really just wanna say idgaf and just continue to be. We hurt each others feelings unintentionally too with the ways we cope with the passing of our son. He wants to hang out with more people and I don't want to be around anyone really. Makes for some raw arguments and it can be difficult. My husband and I are thinking about seeing a counselor together. It might help us.

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DIVIANZ, IT SOUNDS LIKE COUNSELING WOULD BE BENEFICIAL. RARELY DO A COUPLE MOURN TOGETHER, OR SIMILARLY, THEY MOURN AS DIFFERENTLY AS THE TWO FOLKS ARE. FOR YOUR SAKE, THE SAKE OF STRENGTHENING MARRIAGE AFTER SO MUCH CHANGE, IT IS WORTH IT. THERE IS NOTHING EASY ABOUT GRIEF, NOT FOR  YOU NOR THE KIDS, NOR ANY OF NATHAN'S FRIENDS. I AM SO SORRY. MANY OF US WITHDREW INTO OURSELVES, NOT CARING ABOUT THE SMALL THINGS WE USED TO CARE ABOUT, AND THOSE WHO LOVE US JUST WANT US TO BE WHO WE WERE...PROBLEM IS, WE AREN'T THAT PERSON ANYMORE. WE ARE CHANGED AND WE DON'T KNOW IF THOSE SMALL THINGS WILL EVER COUNT FOR US AGAIN, WE DON'T KNOW IF WE WILL EVER WATN TO GO OUT WITH FRIENDS AGAIN. THAT IS THE WAY GRIJEF IS. WE JUST DON'T KNOW, BUT GETTING HELP IS A GOOD THING. IF FOR NO OTHER REASON, THEN TO JUST BUILD SOME TOOLS INTO YOUR GRIEF LIFE. I WISH YOU SOME GOODNESS. I LOVE YOUR TATTOO, THE QUOTE IS BEAUTIFUL. BLESS YOUR HEARTS.

 

GRETCHEN, I AM SORRY THAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS HAVING SO HARD A TIME. HOW ARE THE KIDS HANDLING HER MOOD SWINGS? SHE MUST BE SO WORN OUT FROM THE UP AND DOWN OF IT ALL. I WISH THAT SHE WOULD DO MEDS, BUT WE GET IT DON'T WE, KNOWING HOW DULL THEY CAN MAKE ONE FEEL. I DO WISH THOUGH, FOR HER SAKE AND THE KDIS, AND YOURS, THAT SHE WOULD JUST DO IT FOR NOW. WHILE THE KIDS ARE YOUNG.

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Devianz

My husband and I are very different in dealing with grief too. I understand what you saying, my husband needs people around him, he don't care going somewhere and starts crying or telling strangers that our son passed and so on.......Most people don't know what to say and are unconfutable, but he don't care. I just keep walking away when he does that. I don't want people around at all, I don't even go anywhere anymore if I don't have to. Yes everybody is dealing differently with grief. When horrible nightmare happened my sister, nice, husband and our daughter where here a lot. What was ok , they all family, but now hardly somebody comes by. I understand, there life goes on and our life stopped. Well except my daughter and her boyfriend, they come over 2-3 times a week. My husband went back to work after a month stayng home, his colleges are very helpful, he can talk to them ..........I still at home trying to get by day by day and most of time I don't want to see nobody, except my husband and daughter. Sometimes I go take a walk in the woods, but its always hard to come home.

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I feel the same Silky, I just want to take walks and be by myself and not have to share and open up to everyone. We all process differently I think and I know it's important to not discourage my husband from talking to others about the pain he's feeling just as he knows it's important not to drag me out of the house if I am not feeling up to being around others. I find walking by myself to be so comforting, alone in nature with my thoughts and often I take a small notepad and write what I am feeling. I am also finding great comfort in creating art, especially ceramics as the clay molds to whatever I want it to be and if I don't like the result, I can just mush it down and do it over again.

Dee,

I've been getting help myself, but only alone.  He doesn't want to go get help, as he thinks he can process it on his own.  I also tried Grief Share but it's very faith based, specifically Christian and I am not a theist myself so I found it hard to listen to others who have that comfort.  I've thought so much about faith in the last few months and you don't know how badly I just want to believe if it could just take a little of the pain away, but I just don't have it in myself to believe in a God or gods. I believe in the beauty of the world, and the beauty we can find in each other. I believe in the spiritual connection between people and what that power can do, one way or another. I try to see the good in people and only effect people in a positive way but that has sure been tested this year. Some days I feel locked in a catacomb surrounded by ugliness and decay. It makes it very difficult to function on those days and I feel trapped.

I envy those who have found faith and are able to lift their burdens a bit. Wish I could.

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I am having such a hard time today, I cannot stop crying, it is deep, painful, uncontrollable crying. I feel a longing for my son that I have never felt before, I miss him so much it hurts. I feel like I would need to talk to someone but cannot get a counsellin appointment till next week and no one else is around. So I am venting here. I thought the grief would be easier as time passes, but it has only been 3 months and 2 weeks, and I am finding the grief getting worse. I feel lost and hopeless, I cannot think of the future, as a future without my son is unimaginable. I don't feel like doing anything, it takes all my energy just to get up. I will try and go to a yoga class later if I can get the courage to go out, this might help put my mind to something other than my son.

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Hello everyone,

Sorry I have not been on here as I went through very hard time for a month. It has been 9 months and I was a little blind sided by another grief ambush. I don't see an end to this. Life has thrown me another loss. My dad passed away last week at 76 and I was just coming out of the hard time I was having. My body and mind feel so confused. I am not able to process or allow myself to feel the loss of my dad as I will not be able to survive it at this time. So I am doing what I call surface thinking, so that I can get through life for now. When my body is ready and stronger, I will allow myself to grieve again. My body has become so weak from the grief of my son and I am constantly sick. My goal right now is to become physically stronger before I can allow any more grieving. I really need no more death.I can't lose anymore family. I am terrified when the phone rings of what I might hear when I pick it up. Something strange happened when my dad died. I have been suffering so much with the loss of my son and didn't really care about life and didn't like the world, then my dad died and now I feel something completely different. Like life is very precious and I really need to start living it because I could be gone at any moment. I don't have control on when mine or anyone else's time is up. Who knows what I will feel tomorrow or in 1 hour or in a week. For now it is helping me.

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3 hours ago, Joe's Mom said:

I am having such a hard time today, I cannot stop crying, it is deep, painful, uncontrollable crying. I feel a longing for my son that I have never felt before, I miss him so much it hurts. I feel like I would need to talk to someone but cannot get a counsellin appointment till next week and no one else is around. So I am venting here. I thought the grief would be easier as time passes, but it has only been 3 months and 2 weeks, and I am finding the grief getting worse. I feel lost and hopeless, I cannot think of the future, as a future without my son is unimaginable. I don't feel like doing anything, it takes all my energy just to get up. I will try and go to a yoga class later if I can get the courage to go out, this might help put my mind to something other than my son.

 

Hi Joe's Mom,

Hang in there. Keep venting and talking to family or friend's that will understand. It will be easier some days and not others. It has been 9 months for me and I will go a short while of being able to function and not cry and then boom I get a grief ambush and expect it to go away and it doesn't go away as quickly as I would like. I just tell myself it is ok and completely normal. This is a super long process that we have go through and there is no way around it. They are our children and we raised them since birth, so I don't think we can expect this to be easy. They are and always will be a part of us. I know I am tired of being tired as well. I think it was at the 4 month mark when I felt a tiny bit better. I couldn't remember where I parked at the grocery store for 6 months as my mind was consumed of my son. I think it is very hard on our brain and that will take time to heal. I am able to function now but it is a lot of work to do everything that was easy before. So be easy on yourself and know it is okay and don't try to rush the grief you feel. But you must vent lots, it helps tremendously. When my body gets too worn out from all the grief, I surface think for a while to become strong. I have learned how to do this to survive. So I just don't allow myself to think deeply about it. When I start going there, I stop my thoughts and get back to the surface thinking. When my body is strong, I allow myself to grieve. This has allowed me to survive thus far. This way I have some control and my body can heal during that time. But I find  it important to make sure I allow myself to grieve when I am able. At the 8 month mark I felt as though I didn't really live my life that it was a big fog and I was just waking up, my house and yard a disaster from 8 months ago. I stood in my back yard and I could see how I was in the middle of planting plants at the time of my sons passing and everything was just left in my yard. It was like my yard had a sad story. Everybody grieves differently and feel different things. I just wanted to share some of what I am going through, so that you know it takes time and try not to get frustrated. You take care of yourself and know it is ok whatever you are feeling and going through and take your time. If you can find a support group through hospice, grief share, or at one of the cemeteries near you. I couldn't have made it without.

Cher

Ryan's Mom

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Double Grief Cher, so hard. Many here have gone through that as well but I do believe you received a gift from Dad or maybe from Ryan or both...that you woke up and realized you have to live this life now...a true gift on the heels of loss. I am sorry for your Dad leaving so soon after your Son, your TWO MEN of unconditional love, but there they are, hanging out together in the spirit world, loving you forever.

Joe's Mom, I had some of my biggest uncontrollable cries at the 3 month mark after Erica left, it was getting worse, sleep was getting more elusive, and my ache was acute. I think that the three/four month mark for many is a time when a deep layer of shock wears away leaving us rather raw and unprepared for the extreme pain that exists when some shock is gone. It was horrid but then it becomes something more. Not only do we lose some shock, we also have reality slapping us in the face that our Child is not coming back. The wold has gone on but we are stuck. For me, I was back at work, teaching third graders, 1.5 months after losing Erica. She died in mid summer so I went back to work when it began again, unsure if I could work. But as it turned out, I was saved by working with my students. It was their needs for 6 hours a day and also time on the weekends to plan my lessons...so certainly, this helped me find ways to live in the moment and a bit in the future with lesson plans. I was exhausted, there is no way our brains can behave as they once did, it does take time. The shock of losing a child is an injury to our spirit our soul, our hearts...we have to allow time to help us heal. Thinking of you.

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Thank you so much for your words of support, it really helps during these tough times.

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