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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Devianz------I , so, understand your need for solitary time.  After the loss

of my son in 2003,  (and my baby daughter years ago), I think I became sort of

a solitary person.  I am not a hermit;   and have other grown children.....

but I spend a good deal of time with my home activities.  I believe that your

work with ceramics to be a great help to you and your wish for quiet time.

I don't blame you for the flight arrangements you chose.........I guess that we need to do

whatever it takes to somehow try to keep ourselves in balance on this rough journey.  Peace to you.

p.s.   I've always wanted to visit Portland, Oregon.  My sister went there once, and

I asked her if she liked it.......she said    "No,.........too many  "tree huggers" .  :(  

 

Dianne------It's good that you are able to work from home.  I think that as grieving

parents we try to keep our heads above the flood of grief.  Being around too many other

people is very stressful.   Just the noise of everyday talk and activities causes stress

and a feeling of being off-kilter somehow.  Take care.

 

Tommysmum------Thank you for those very good tips.  I need to be reminded, and

these are things that can make this road a little easier.

 

Sorry for all the people in the path of the violent storms in the Midwest.

 

PEACE    TO    ALL    INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

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InHeavensKeeping

just can't believe it I replied to the posts you put up for me and there not there again. Contacted the site and it's because I write when I'm in bed at night I'm always so very tired but it's my only chance , and I must be falling asleep before I press 'submit' so typical of me. I hope this hasn't been happening a lot to me but not sure as I haven't been checking.   Sorry though. 

Thank you for your heartfelt words and replies Dee, Sherry, Diane and Leasly sorry for the delay I don't know what I'd do without my friends on here. I keep thinking I should be better than I  am 30 months today and it still feels like yesterday I've been having flashbacks just awful I keep asking God why but I get no answers. I still haven't dreamed about James or seen him in a dream I wish that could happen so much every since I've read all the different accounts on here. 

I lit a candle in church for all our Angels yesterday I think of them all together like us sorry I do write much I feel I need to try more ..

 I'm doing ok just getting through each day at work and then straight to the grave, I feel peace there, I sit and cry and think and just listen, my Robin will appear and sit with me, it always stops raining as soon as I arrive even if it's pouring down driving over, strange that, but it gives me the time I need after coping all day. 

God Bles xxxx hugs and as always Thank you for being you x 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

All, just a note to say I am doing okay. I am sorry for all the new parents here, I send you all gentle thoughts at this difficult time. 

I am including a link to the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter for Bereaved Parents. This April they are having their first conference in Scottsdale Arizona. 

http://us5.campaign-archive2.com/?u=d2de0c3d7d15b79c2cac9269f&id=8507ae57b2&e=75b92583f5

Thanks Dee and Sherry for all your dedication to this site. 

****************************************************************************************

Excerpt from an article in the Helping Parents Heal Newsletter

Written by  Beth D'Angelo - Helping Parents Heal - Hawaii Affiliate Leader

Death did not take away being his mother nor did it separate our love.  We carry our children with us in our voices, our thoughts, in the work we do with our hands and in the heart consciousness of being vulnerable, real and authentic in the presence of another.  I have changed my way of understanding what I now know; I have no regrets or resentments in the life I continue to share with Sean.  Life happened. My heart broke. I lost my smile and found it again.

I enter the rooms of loss and cry hard. I walk out of those rooms and bring love and hope to others until it is my time to return to those crying rooms. I go there because I can. I walk out — because I can. It wasn't always like this, but I have cultivated a life that makes it possible to live inside my story with grace and meaning.  I share my time with another mother who has lost their beloved child because every time I am in their presence, I see myself.  I see where I was and where I am today and if I can hold a torch for another to light their way, I am passing on the gift of hope that was given to me on one cold February night, when my light dimmed.

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And thank you Laurie for your constant hand-up to parents new to this site and to all of us oldies as well. I miss seeing you here, hope that you are okay, but I know that life changes have caused you to be busier than usual. I think of you often and say a prayer.

 

Sherry it is cold and our magnolia tree is trying to bloom a month early due to the warmth it soaked up a few weeks ago. I worry that if she tries to bloom now, the whole tree will have wasted her energy as we are in for at least 5 days of very cold and possibly snow, which we have lacked all winter.

 

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Georgina, I wonder if you aren't finalizing your responses due to falling asleep. Never worry about responding back...I think we all know that life has been mighty heavy lately in your life. I just like to know that you are out there. Is spring weather making itself to you? YOu know that not dreaming about James or seeing him in a dream will happen likely one day...but the fact that a robin continually hangs out with you and that the driving rain lessens when you get to the cemetery is a sign. Even though you feel peaceful at the cemetery, I think it may be important for you to know that you are not letting go of James if you don't go to the cemetery. Sometimes we get in our habits and we fear breaking them, as though that will cause something more??? Though again, I get it that it is peaceful there. I find the place Erica is buried is peaceful too, but I only go about 6 times a year now. In the summer I bring a lawn chair and hang out under the three oak trees that she is near. I draw and write and just talk to Her there...but I talk with Her everywhere.

I received a lovely message via email from a former student who is now a sophomore in college. He and I met up for coffee when he was a junior in H.S. as he was struggling to find out what he should do about college. He spent a year at a community college nearby but then went down to Carbondale, Illinois;  Southern Illinois University. He loves it and in his note he mentioned Erica. He said," I am lucky that my family is healthy and I can reach them whenever I need or want, but I know not everyone has that. I think of you and Erica and how difficult it must be to not have her nearby, but I know you feel her. Your loss of Erica and all of your lessons in third grade remind me to never take anything or anybody for granted, to live each day fully." I feel so lucky today for that message. He lifted my heart and made it smile.

I am wondering about Susan who has not posted in quite a long while. Anyone know where she is or how she

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee Thankyou. You give so much to us all always and it helps so much. 

Pits the 11th today and we always go to the scene on this date.  So very hard but we put flowers and little things that mean so much . It's the worse place on earth to me but the last place My beautiful gentle James was alive and so important to mark.  Also the driver who killed him passes as he drives his killing machine that way and I hope and pray it makes him think 'what did I do'. 

Our solicitor wants a meeting soon it a eight hour drive there and back so exhausting without going through the details I just hope we're able to get this longed for justice for James soon it's wearing me out. 

Dee I wondered could you put your 'shining light' picture up again it gave me such hope I thought the newly bereaved parents might like to see it. May I copy it and print it I'd like to put it in a frame xx thank you Dee. Xx

Diane 30 months for us today and I'm a mess I wish I was doing better but I keep getting flashbacks of the worst details it's killing me.  Do you sometimes think how on earth am I still here. I'm scared I'm going to get ill but I get up and take those first steps and keep going step by step. Xx

Laurie did you have the link to the story of the mum who lost her children in the fire. I found her keynote speech so inspiring and grounding and I would like to read it again. Thank you x

God Bless everyone be safe xxxx

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hoosier guy -- my sister in law and myself are in the same boat. 

Right after my son passed my grandson was born 4 months later. On May 15, the bad mom dropped him off (abandoned) him on my doorstep. I raised him from there but now the mom has decided after 3.5 years of being absent that she wants to be the primary and we are fighting her tooth-and-nail.

I have confidence in you! You can do it!

Georgina, peace to you as you continue the search for justice for James. I would have to check on the video. 

Also BECKY!!! great sign from Jared. 

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Tommy's mum

Bob sounds like the case is moving on I really hope you get justice and I cannot imagine how hard it must be to good cop that person. To have a baby in your life again would be good but would also take some adjustments. Laurie I did not realise you have a grandbaby that you raised too. I hope you can keep him in the family he has only known. Inheavenskeeping sorry you are having flashbacks so distressing. The grief road is full of bumps that catch us unaware and make us fall to our knees again but you get up again with skinned knees but not broken and that is the strength you have learned. I guess talking to the solicitor has brought up "stuff" and your mind is reacting. Not surprising that you are worn out its been a long time with no justice. dee magnolia is one of my favourite trees such stunning beauty. I hope the cold weather does not freeze the coming blooms. My friends house is in PA we have had a little snow which quickly melted but expect a winter storm on tues with 6 or mor inches which will damage her magnolia tree.I confess to being a tree hugger! Devianz one of the reasons I cut music out of my life for so long was the desperate need for quiet because my brain was so chaotic. Some days I could not even manage the tv it really disturbed my equilibrium. I image that is what it is like to be autistic, overwhelmed by noise sounds people conversation the phone etc. It was a dark time but I am learning to let music in again now. Hugs to you all there is much going on for everyone but I am hearing snippets or nuggets of hope and possibility that may change your lives in new positive ways.

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Leslely, are you still in Pennsylvannia? I hope that this trip has been a good thing for you. Yes, the cold after so much warm is hard on nature, and this winter has been very odd, no snow since December here, not what is expected. So many migrating birds back a month early so the cold is going to throw them off their game, not too many bugs to eat in the frozen surroundings, though the ground is not frozen...it will not be filled by insects in this kind of cold. I listen to music throughout the day, need it in my life, need to dance, need to sing, need to cry to the lyrics that sing out the pain of loss and the joy of love. But quiet I also need. Right now,, I need sleep so good night to you all.

Oh Bob, I am rooting for you in this battle. Keep fighting the good fight. I am glad for your sense of humor, it is what saves us in all of this.

Laurie, I am sorry that the battle continues for you too. Goodness knows how hard you have worked to provide your Little One a good life, nobody should be able to come in and shake that up. NOBODY!

Georgina, I will try to attach the Shaft of Light Photo here. This image was taken in the year that followed Erica's death...when walking through the forest preserve, I called out, Erica where are you? And a shower of light appeared at that moment. Lovely that she gave her light to show me my way...again and again and again.

Shaft of Light.jpg

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Bob, I love the photo you are using...your Boy is quite a handsome man.

Cold sunny day here, saw a blue heron down at the slough on my walk, so beautiful.

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Tommy's mum

Dee yes I am in PA for a month so experiencing snow. In southwest England snow is very rare and usually only an inch or two max so this next storm on tues is eagerly anticipated! Since my ankle is still broken I won't have to do any digging out either so I will sit with a hot choc or coffee and take in the beauty of Nature in its white purity. Nature is calming to my soul and mind. I also find your Erica's shaft of light photo inspiring, we all crave a sign.

Bob I so hope a good outcome comes out of your fight for justice it must be so exhausting and a rollercoaster of emotions, you are so strong and committed I applaud you. i broke just coping with my son's death and the nastiness of my ex stirring up our children I am so relieved that after scattering Tommy's ashes last year and getting the UK inquest over there will be no more things to attend and we can get back to a more even field. My kids have not processed their brother's death but they are all adults and will cope in their individual ways. We all have to concentrate on fixing ourselves because that is the only person we can change.

Coming back to PA is like coming home. We lived there for 18yrs and sorely missed being there. Seeing my old friends was amazing we just picked up where we left off almost 6yrs ago I feel blessed. I know I need to make an effort to find a friend base back in the UK something I have withheld myself from doing. I will not be able to work for a while longer because my ankle is still not healed darn it and I am out of  surgical options now after having had 5 operations. I will look at homeopathic remedies and have a serious rethink before undergoing a permanent fixation. My anxiety has eased since I have been here and I am enjoying being free of it.

 

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Lesley, I hope the winter storm is a beauty and that sitting in the comfort of an old friend's home watching it all around you offers you the peace you seek. I hope that in that time you begin to heal that ankle as well. Do you feel that moving back here to the states is in the cards? We woke to some snow today, the first snow since December and are in for more int he coming days, but nothing like expected out east toward PA and NJ. Enjoy.

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Good story Bob, love that the Now-Sheriff showed you some goodness that day, makes it much easier to respect the guy now. I hope your Guys find who is guilty right away and that you get some good Grandparent rights and this tiny little Man gets to know you. In you, he will hear his Daddy's heart.

Snowy and cold, more snow due tonight. Harder to take now after we had several days of 69 and 70. Oh well, hope the flowers and baby birds will survive.

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Have a good Pi day. Snowy and cold but very pretty here. Just got in from a walk.

Love to all,

dee

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tobyfreefoot

Just dropping in to let you know I have been busy in my new studio and think of you often. Grandees growing. Here are pics of my mom with the kids, my daughter who has been doing well for nearly a week now (she has pretty rapid cycling bipolar disorder) and my grandson, my granddaughter madelyn with her arm around Preston and visaversa and me holding lyra. I know too much sharing but other than you guys there is no where else I can brag lol.

It does help me a ton to have them. Until my hospital visit, an adjustment of meds and quitting my job i still had trouble being buoyed up regardless what was happening. Now that I no longer have that terrible disassociation disorder I can feel and give love again and it has helped so much to feel the love with these little people.

I know so many of you are having to struggle with the courts. That must be so difficult. I went to Houston to testify for Andrew's little girls (as only heirs) and even that tiny thing seemed like an ordeal. Others of you are first dealing with the agonizing pain and I am so sorry for all of you and wish you strength and the knowledge there will be a better day. I hope one comes soon. Some times you just get one day or one hour but take those moments to breath as easily as you can, rest and care for yourselves. Love to all 

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Hello to all INDIGOS......Not much to say today......not really 'down', especially......

just don't have much to contribute.

 

Dee-----We're getting snow now, and cold...., but I guess that the eastern states

are getting it much worse with many inches of snow in some areas.  We've had a

willow tree blooming its catkins for several weeks now....it always seems to be

early.  Forsythia was trying to bloom, and now this cold.  I hope your magnolia

tree will survive.  Weather is so out of whack. :(

 

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE  INDIGO FAMILY, AND A  RESTFUL NIGHT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry   

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5 years today.   These last weeks have been tough.    Usually her birthday has been the hardest  day for me, but today has been hard  It hurts so much.   I miss her so.  I will be ok, but have to go through this.   Tomorrow is another day.

Have a restful evening.

 

Sandy

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Sandy Sweetie, I wrote last night to honor your hard time on the date that was so devastating...but it is not here. I don't quite know what happened to my post...somewhere in the world, all of our lost posts are sitting in the clouds shouting out our love in pinks, greens, oranges, reds...perhaps making rainbows of love and honor, care and hope. Hope is the golden ring I think. Hope for those still here, HOPE for our aching souls to find enough light from our Lovely Ones to shine our way through.

God Bless you and the whole family on this anniversary, it is a benchmark of time  for sure. I am heading to year 14, but those 5 year increments hit hard because of what 5 years mean to any of us. 10 years, 15...

I hold you Sandy in my heart and each day I say, 'hold on friend'.

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Gretchen, how wonderful to see you all smiling out into the world, carrying the torch forward, and how grateful I am for your new-found light in your spirit. The Grandies are gorgeous and I see a bit of Forrest in those twinkling eyes. I hope that your Daughter can find a more even time in her life, how hard it must be to be so up and down on a regular basis. Prayers.

Sherry we did not get the amount of snow that some northern suburbs got, we only had about 3 inches, but 11 in some towns up north by 40 miles. Yikes.  HOpe the willow will be fine...

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InHeavensKeeping

Gretchen lovely picture of your family such happiness shown there.  I'm glad things are better for you. I agree with one day one hour at a time although one minute for me.

 I had a really bad break down today. Someone at work said something to me about James's case, inappropriate, and I had to cope until I could leave the staff room, other people were there, I was just in pieces and couldn't go to my first lesson but I had to pull myself together which was hard, I didn't want to feel that I didn't have the time to deal with my feelings but I just had to get on with it. We have a chaplain at our school she's just so lovely I spent some time with her but didn't want to take up too much of her time so I went and sat in my car it was a hard day today. 

I hope your all ok with the snow storm that's hitting you ? my sister was snowed in she lives in New Jersey she's hoping the power lines are brought down overnight.

take care God bless xxx

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Georgina, I am sorry for the ache caused by ignorant words. I know how cutting they can be. Going to gather yourself is a good thing to do. I hope too, that your Sister does not lose power. How long has your sister lived in the states?

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Dee she lived there for 26 years.  My mum and brother and three of my sisters went over at the same time. They opened English Tearooms over there. My mum and one sister have come back to England. My brother also but he died at age 61 in 2011. 

Im coming over again this summer, under duress, because I'm very scared of flying and last summer Kevin got so ill but my sister has fallen out with the family and only has me. She pays for my fare and really enjoys the company. She lives on her own, never married but has lots of animals who are like her kids.  3 horses, 4 cats, 3 goats and 4 dogs .

she has a beautiful house lots of land but enderlessly works to keep it all. 

Take care Dee xx

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Tommy's mum

Scholl1955 No matter how much time has passed certain dates have the power to bring us to our knees we all understand, stay strong.

Dee love that comment of yours below

11 hours ago, ericasmom said:

  I don't quite know what happened to my post...somewhere in the world, all of our lost posts are sitting in the clouds shouting out our love in pinks, greens, oranges, reds...perhaps making rainbows of love and honor, care and hope.

Gretchen love the photos what precious memories.

Inheavenskeeping I am sorry you were so hurt by someone's thoughtless and tactless words. People really do not know how to relate to grieving parents at all. grief makes others uncomfortable and do not realise how much their words can be like an arrow to the heart. That person was ignorant. However we are hypersensitive to certain things and more so at certain dates so our personal defences are already weak and easily breached. You handled yourself well, removing yourself and taking some quiet time to gather your thoughts and emotions is very sensible and shows an inner strength and stronger coping system. How great that the Chaplain was there for you at that difficult time. I think we are sent people to help us when we are especially vulnerable. You are there for your sister which is awesome. What part of the Uk are you based? I am in Plymouth close to my parents who are aging. One of my sisters also lives in Plymouth, the other in Texas USA ,and my brother in Minehead. I miss living in Pennsylvania but enjoying visiting here at the moment. We had about 10 inches of snow here its pretty cold.

Bob glad you could find something in my rambling words I

 

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And I am glad that you found something in my words that you liked Lesley. THe snow in PA must be a pretty site. It has been pretty darn cold however here, and I am anxious for the snow to melt to reveal what if any plants have survived. THey are mostly Illinois prairie plants so should do fine...

Bob, I am happy to hear that your Older Son wrote to you. As he travels the road of divorce, he may start to see the similar situations he is in to what you faced so many years ago. Maybe he can open up a bit to you now about the stress he is experiencing and maybe, just maybe, about the loss you both have had to face. While different for you each, Jake's life can help bridge some communication. At least I hope so. I come from a family of tangles, so I get not talking to members of the family for many years or forever...but for you, I hope that there is something there in yours and your son's relationship.

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Tommy's mum

Bob I had a very nasty divorce in 2001 and we still dont speak. I tried many times to get along with my ex for the sake of our kids but he refuses to play ball so I gave up. he is a really nasty man and has caused me lots of stress and anxiety over the years. Even tho he is a total selfish ass I encouraged the kids to see him and they have a pretty good relationship with him because I believe kids need both their parents. As they grow up they see things differently but know who keeps their word and who breaks it. My ex is extremely wealthy but refuses to give the kids a little to help pay for college. However I have also learned that the people who have very little always give more to others than the wealthy who keep it all for themselves. I am glad your son got in touch it is never to late to heal old wounds and family is important. I guess we have to accept that people act differently from ourselves even if they are family. We may share genes and looks but we are all individual and human. Anger is always a front for other emotions, whether it is fear, frustration  or sadness, it is easier to show anger than the other emotions as a defence mechanism a shield to protect our vulnerability.I echo dee when she says Jake can help to bridge the gap and help communication.

At the age of 52 I now have to accept that my badly broken ankle is a permanent disability. The surgeon has said there is nothing more that can be done and I will always limp and have pain. So I need to find alternative joys now that sports, dancing, long walks etc are off the table. I never got to parachute out of a plane either! Life is about accepting limitations and facing upto hard things and try to find joy in simpler things. i dont want to become bitter about my disability but it is very frustrating because it is so limiting. Employment opportunities are also affected so my future is pretty uncertain. Well we have all faced the worst thing that life can throw at us, the loss of a child, so I try to tell myself that having come through that I can survive anything. Some days that is easier to believe than others I still get bad days, doubtful and anxious times etc but I do believe that we all will come through this stronger in mind body and spirit because we still have things to acheive in this world.

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Bob, I hope that the detective is right, that when the walls feel they are closing in, someone speaks up. Tells the truth. Fingers crossed.

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Bob, your anger is real, its okay, it won't scare us away. Anger is part of it all. I get the double demons on your shoulders, after a life filled with 'stuff', we get demons. I have had my share. I am sorry that your cuz had such a hard time of things, and that he left a child that would never get to know him well. For some, life is far too hard. My Sis is going through a terrible time, her youngest child of seven, is an addict. Heroin/opioids/anything he gets his hands on. The old saying: A mom is only as happy as her saddest child, holds true in my Sister's life. She has 6 other kids and a myriad of grandchildren and even a great grandchild, but her depression is killing her...or she might kill herself from being so depressed. It is heartbreaking. I have had the busiest time at school, and now I must try to get all the report cards done and edited before Friday when they go home. I hate report cards.

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Tommy's mum

Bob I hear your anger and also pain in the "take me as you find me" statements, and the raw jokes masquerading as a fence to push people away because they are offensive to some people. Dee said it so well "it won't scare us away". You have every right to be furious and betrayed and hurt and scared and helpless because you know that taking revenge will result in a bad ending although it would be worth it to feel that sweet personal justice in your own hands. I am sure you are not alone there. As parents we would defend our kids to the hilt and I believe I could kill anyone who hurt my kids. That is scary because I am a very peace loving person and do not believe in violence. As for my ex believe me I did therapy years ago because I did not want to be a damaged soul or a victim. I dont spare a thought for him, he has his life I have mine. It is only when he upsets my kids with favourtism or unkind words or actions that I feel the anger and hate because HE does not deserve them and I feel partly responsible because I chose him. However they all need to make the best relationship they can with their father, stepmum and stepsister and it only makes me mad for a brief time. Then I shrug my shoulders and say to myself the kids are all adults they can figure it out, not my problem. I will be there as a soft place to fall a listening ear and an open home for them whenever. On the plane over to the USA I watched a little bit of the Frozen movie because I was bored and had watched the movies that interested me already. I plan to watch the whole thing tonight because it had a message for me. The message was LET IT GO. I loved the part where the princess runs away into the wilderness and totally frees herself letting her internal special powers go wild and revelling in that freedom after holding it all inside herself for so long. I imagine in the end she will learn to harness the power whilst being true to herself but I will have to watch the movie for the rest of the story, That gave me a powerful visual image of standing alone and freeing myself of negativity in any given frustrating situation by letting go of those emotions be it anger or sorrow or anything else to gain inner peace. That is simply it LET IT GO. Simple freeing peace. Strange that I found something so obvious in a kids movie but I believe there are always messages or lessons to be learned in life you just have to be open enough to receive them.

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Struggling day by day for 7 weeks now.....couldn't really write anything in here, most of time I'm too excausted, but keep reading  in here almost everyday. I still think there is no life for me anymore, on some days the hard crying stopped, but still don't feel any better. Yesterday as my mom's 80 th birthday, she has Demenz ,so some things she keeps forgetting.....My sister picked my mom up yesterday, she made a cake, had coffee, my nice, her husband and their 2 kids went there. Also my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband went there to see her. I couldn't go, it's too hard for me to see them going on with life and can't handle my mom asking me if she went to the funeral or who died and so on....At home I kept thinking about that Steven (my son who died) would have loved to go there. He loved it , when the whole family was together. And he always played my mom, till we all were laughing and hugged her and kissed her. So he was supposed to be there.

On this page there is a lot of anger written down and I can so relate to that . I keep thinking killing this woman , who had the methadone out in a juice bottle so everybody can get it , with all them teenager there. I'm so mad at so many people right now, even I never was a angry or violent person. Not at all. Wish the police be done with there investigation, but I guess it still takes some time. This gone be a long year.

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Today is 3 months since my son's death. What a difficult time I am having. I thought that I would be getting better with time, but not at all, the pain and sandness is gutwrenching. When will I start to feel better, when will I cry less? I guess no one knows. Its different for everyone. I feel worst now than I did a month ago. Maybe the realitythat I will never again see my son is starting to sink in. I am returning to work next week and dreading this. Not sure how I will go about my days without crying. Maybe work will be a good distraction... I'm wondering how long after their childs death have others returned to work? 

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Silky, 

Anger and rage are feelings I get quite frequently, alongside the sadness.  For me too, no one has been punished for causing the death of my son yet and it angers me so much I am nearly blind with rage at times.  I just want someone to do something about the fact that my beloved son wasn't there on my birthday, did not get to spend Christmas with us... doesn't get to text and call when he just needs to talk. Some days I just want to scream. Some days I want to do much much worse... But I try to be patient, and I find that the tears of rage burn hot trails down my cheeks that would melt steel. It's so frustrating waiting, and feeling hopeless that anyone will pay for what they have done.

The court dates are the worst days for me. I have to sit there trying not to stare at the murderer who took my son from me, while he lies and his mother gets to reach over the bench and comfort him. While they lie. While they try to pass blame. Sometimes I tremble with anger and I'm so exhausted that night that the next day I don't leave my bedroom.

Everyone talks about the sadness, and the sorrow is soul crushing.  But when your child, the one you pour all of your heart and soul into guiding and lifting up, is taken by someone elses hand... rage is the feeling I sympathize with the most. That's the feeling I get most often and the one that is the most tiring to hide. It's okay to feel that way, it's totally justified and understandable. I am sorry that we have to go through it and I wish that I could tell you that the anger subsides... I'm not there yet. I might not be until the trial is over, and maybe not even then. Maybe not ever.

*hugs*

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Lesley, I agree, there are messages all around us in which we find some priceless nugget to help us rebuild our lives. We find remnants of our former lives, like those whose houses are destroyed from a flood or tornado, a hurricane, picking up the pieces of a photo here, a document there, a memory found and kept close to our hearts...we rebuild. Knocked on our asses, but somehow, we get back up and start anew. I have many times found messages in movies and songs. The simplest things hold some of the deepest most profound information. I hope that you enjoy the movie.

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So odd, I just hit the send button on the message just posted, however I sent it last night, it did not attach and it was not here this morning, but what I wrote last night was sitting here just now.

Silky and Joe's Mom, all I can add is my hand to hold. I remember the three month mark quite well and I am on 13.5 years. The reason I remember it so clearly is that I was at work, I am a third grade teacher, and before the kids got to school I was suddenly stricken with a pain so strong I called home and told my husband that I felt like coming home. I felt quite suddenly, without anything triggering it, that the last layer perhaps of shock, had worn away and I was left standing with a burning pain in my heart. My arms wanting so badly to hold my Daughter, my heart felt re-broken. Shock had been shielding me though Ihad no idea of it, I thought I was feeling a ton of pain and missing, sadness so pure and deep, but then I realized there were other layers to loss and grief, deeper layers and more painful times. I did stay that day, proved once again that working with children saved my heart and spirit. My Girl died on July 14th, 2014 after being hit by a train on the 8th of July. I went back to work in late August when the new season was beginning. I was unsure as to my ability to go back to work, would I care enough to do my job? would I be too distracted by my grief to be a good teacher? There were no ready answers to those and many more questions, the only way to know was to go. Kids saved my life...they were a daily purpose, they kept me busy, they kept me creative, they kept my heart healing because kids are like that. I don't know if I could have worked at anything else. Some folks went back to work to find that they could no longer do that work and went in new directions. It  will unfold for you as well, you will either be glad to be back at work for the way it puts a frame to the days, or you will find you cannot be there right now. Different for everyone.

Divianz, the court dates were very hard on my spirit too, getting my hopes up that the railroad and the township would stand up and apologize for their lack of work ethic to let the fuse be blown and not changed...the township of Kalamazoo eventually apologized and reconfigured the stops for the train throughout their town. Amtrak did not even say that they were sorry as that would have been admitting guilt and they were not held responsible. Still pisses me off...but what mattered to me at the time is that nobody else would die at that spot again. I wish you well in those hard to manage court dates. Hard not to go nuts I know.

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Tommy's mum

Silky I hear you and your anger is justified you feel the woman has to pay for what she did and life is so unfair. I bet many of us have felt hatred or wanted retribution for the people who caused their child's death that is a normal reaction. Knowing that is not the way is the small sensible part of the irrational emotional brain but hey fantasies don't hurt anyone right? Investigations take time and we want instant justice and payback for our loss. I am so sorry you have to wait for an end to the legal proceedings. Waiting wears you down when you are already hanging to your sanity by a fine thread. You will be ok just keep on going and keep on going through the stages of grief I promise you will get to place that is more sane and peaceful but it takes a long time. Be brave.

Joe's mom £months is such a brief time since losing your son although time distorts. Some days feel longer others whizz by. I am 18 months on and still lose track of the day and date. There is no magic number it is not even like a jail sentence because in that case there will always a date that you will be set free to live in society and with grief it is for life.We are all unique human beings and no one can predict with accuracy when you see the light again and come back to living a life. The important thing is to accept your grief in all its many forms, anger,sadness,hatred,blame,regret whatever, and work through them. People who shut down their feelings and do not acknowledge them find they resurface many months or years later because they are unresolved feelings. Give your emotions a voice whether it is screaming in an isolated place, writing poetry or lyrics, playing loud angry music , ripping up newspapers,or writing random words on a sheet of paper. Experience and name those feelings, let them overwhelm you and banish them temporarily. I have cried so hard I have been sick, I never could have imagined the number of tears a soul could hold. I must have at least cried the equivalent of an ocean. But tears are healing, they are a physical sign of inner torment, let them free it's ok. from your own words it sounds like you maybe are not ready to return to work yet. Distraction is not a healthy option. Talk to your doctor and see if they can sign you off a bit longer, it is worth the extra time to build yourself up to face the world. I wish you well.

Dianne as always sound caring words of comfort you have a way with words that helps to heal others. Thanks.

Devianz words from a parent in a similar position waiting for justice or at least a verdict have power. To be able to reach out to other suffering parents when you are in the middle of it yourself is courageous and noble. Some parents make connections with others because you share a common bond and this is why this site is so valuable. Here we can open our hearts, bare our souls, speak our anguish and rage and slowly slowly make progress.All of us have been forced into suffering it was never our choice but we can choose to be present with our feelings and find strength we did not know we had to overcome grief. continue to be brave.

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I am doing my best, and if I can help anyone else going through the same type of thing then I am going to try.

There is so much inhumanity in losing an adult child. So much to go through and process. So much that doesn't make sense to us. The best we can do is restore some humanity to each other. To reach out in understanding, sympathy and kindness so that others know that they do not have to suffer alone. That we, even through electronic forums, have walked and are still walking the same paths that they are traveling down and understand on many levels the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that crash through our hearts while we try to process what has happened to us and to our children.

For me, I feel like someone had torn large swaths of pages out of a really lovely book. The story gets altered in the margins by the killers filthy hands and it's like he's written himself into our story uninvited and unwanted. It's so infuriating, but to throw the book away now is to lose the memories of our beautiful boy. The one with the blue eyes, nimble hands and beautiful voice. So I just keep trying to wash away the words written by the murderer with kindness to others and with the energy of my rage.

All I can tell you is to do your best to stay strong.  There will be moments, hours, even days that break you but you have to at least try to be strong. To carry your child's storybook with you so you can share his story as a cautious tale to others. As a way to reach out to others who may be carrying a book that is mostly the same. That is how we can continue to share the best part of our children forward. To give them the future that was taken from them. To let their spirit continue to move through other people and give them the light that our beautiful sons and daughters once carried within themselves.

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Dianne------I  was a nurse for a lot of years, then my dear dad got terminal cancer,

and I decided to take time away from nursing to spend time with him. As it turned out,

its a good thing that I did, because he died 8 mo. later, but we had some good quality

time together...just talking and reminiscing. I then went to work in the library, and retired

from that after my son, Dave, died.  Yes, I can so understand your visions of your dear son

in the ER, and the Dr. looking at the clock.  My son died in ER, and we were out of town

when the wreck that took his life happened, so no one in the family was with him when

he died.....but,..... the Higher Power was with him. I only worked ER as a fill-in, now &

then.  Glad that I didn't.  Not the area for me.  But, loved the newborn nursery. Great

little 'patients'.....:)

 

Bob-----Love the pic of your son, Jake..... he's a handsome man. Great story about the

truck and the sheriff.

 

Lesley-----Sorry to hear that the surgeons are not able to do much more for your ankle.

I hope you enjoyed the snow in N. England when you visited.  My brother lives in upstate

NY and he sent me pics of all the snow that came their way.

 

Gretchen----Thanks so much for all the lovely family pics.

 

Sandy----I'm sorry I missed Sarah's Angel Day.  I hope that all your memories of your

joyful times, and her smile warmed your heart.

 

Dee---We got about 6 inches of snow over about a 3-day period.  The lane was drifted shut

due to brisk winds one night & next day. Snow is mostly all gone now. The willow  seems to

withstand crazy spring freezes/thaws, so I think it will be fine.  Saw a flock of wild turkeys

cross the field the other day.  The blue heron is a beautiful bird......glad you got a chance

to see it.   On sunny days,  the birds think that spring is right around the corner, and will

sing & sing.  On gloomy, cloudy days........not so much.:o

 

Georgina-----Sorry to hear of your bad experience recently, .....where someone said something

that was inappropriate.  Yes, we need to get away from others for awhile when something like

this happens, so as to compose ourselves.  As you say, we usually don't have a lot of time to

devote to it, and have other more pressing things to attend to, so we 'soldier' on.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING     PEACE    TO    ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I am sorry to see all the new faces here, but this place was a lifesaver for me. 

My son Jesse was killed by an inattentive driver in 2012. She was unrepentant and ran away from the trial for a period of time. It was only after I mounted my own manhunt that she was dug up and kept in jail until trial. After she killed my son, she had a battery charge against her for attacking someone and was a meth user. There were many liars that made up tales to cover their own asses which we managed to overcome for that conviction.

So, I understand the rage and fury of it all. We went through a 2+ year trial. She was convicted but her sentencing was not enough. She still has not attempted to pay anything.

I would say things have gotten less "raw" but there is always the missing. 

I wish you all gentleness in this journey.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Ugly Shoes Poem

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

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Laurie,

Thanks so much for your words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling me Jesse's story.

For us, it's almost been 8 months so we are still in the pre-trial paper chase. It's always discovery hearings, and the defense stalling and dragging their feet. I was told to expect between 2-3 years before it is all settled in our case.

...

So yeah... those shoes are the worst pair I've ever put on. And so many miles to go before I sleep...

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Hello friends old and new. Just checking in as I like to do every so often. Andy's 6th anvelversary just passed. How is that possible?  Six years ago I was certain I would be dead by now, but I'm still plugging away! Life is good. Summer is coming! Always good for a happy mood. I still miss my beloved Andy, but I have learned to live with the pain. Can't wait to see him again! Sending love to all. 

 

Pam

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Christopher's Mom

My son Christopher died 2 weeks ago on March 2nd unexpectedly.  We are not even sure of the cause of death but suspect an accidental overdose.  It will be weeks until the coroner's report comes back.  I'm back to work but completely useless.  My heart is broken and I can't seem to focus on anything or organize my thoughts.  How do you live with this never-ending heartache?

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Dianne-----Thank you for your kind words......I ,so, like your description of Michael

going into a tunnel with beautiful light at the end, and waving goodbye....going to

a peaceful place.  I like to think of my son, David, in the same scenario.  We will

always mourn and miss our darlings, but they are just on the other side of the

thin veil ....in the other realm of peace where we'll meet them again....never to part again.

 

Pam----So nice to see your Andy's smile.  Yes, I agree,......we wonder how we can be

still carrying on with life after  losing beloved children...but here we are.....going on.

  And,  we will see them again.

 

Laurie-----What a terrible person.....the one who killed Jesse David.  So many times,

the person causing another person's death wants only to get away with it......and not

have to pay the price of losing their personal freedom.  There is so much anger and

frustration for the parents & other loved ones, when it seems to take forever for the

culprit to be brought to justice.  Very often, the parents are left with that awful empty

feeling, even when it's all over.  

 

Devianz------Such a sad story of your dear son, Nathan's,  untimely and violent death.

Thank goodness the murderer was caught.  Also, I'm glad that there is a lot of solid

evidence against him, so that he will most likely sit behind bars the rest of his life.

Getting justice for our beloved children can be an arduous task.  Wishing that the

end result in your case will be that justice is served.   Peace to you, friend.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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1 hour ago, Christopher's Mom said:

My son Christopher died 2 weeks ago on March 2nd unexpectedly.  We are not even sure of the cause of death but suspect an accidental overdose.  It will be weeks until the coroner's report comes back.  I'm back to work but completely useless.  My heart is broken and I can't seem to focus on anything or organize my thoughts.  How do you live with this never-ending heartache?

Hi Christopher's Mom

i am in the same situation as you, my son died 3 months ago of what I suspect is overdose. We have not gotten the coroner report, it will take months. I know what you mean by not being able to focus or concentrate, it is quite normal, I still have those problems. I live one day and one moment at a time. One crying fit at a time. It is the hardest thing to live with but hang in there. Wishing you well.

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