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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Thank you Tommy's mom. I'd like to share this poem that gives me comfort when I read it.

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Silky and Danng, what hardships you have been given...we certainly understand these days of early grief, and the twisted way it feels to live in a world without the presence of our Child/Children. Hang on with both hands as you find your way, and you will find your way. I know this because we did, we found a way to live through the early grief, minute by minute, then eventually hour to hour, later still, day by day and then we found our way to live a purposeful life after time wore on...Initially, ju7st learning to breathe and walk at the same time is a challenge, it is as though the shock of such a devastating event wiped out so much of what we knew, learned, wanted in life. We start over, though born into a heavy and dark place. I promise, 13.5 years on this road, that one day after much work and a lot of tears and breaks in one's spirit, you too will find the sun on your faces again, you will hear the birds in spring again, though maybe not this spring, perhaps next. We have the time to grieve, even if those around us don't understand us anymore, it is our grief, we have to be in it, we have to learn who we are in our grief. In all of that, you will find that your Child is always at home in your heart just as you are in theirs. Nothing destroys that connection of Parent and Child. That does nothing to help you right now I know, later though. Grief is a process, a long one, I will always grieve my Daughter, but I learned over time adn a lot of work, to live in the light that she left me, to shine her light as best I can. I am still here, so that is my job.

Come to us and tell us all you can or want, we are good listeners, and we are not afraid of your grief, we get it.

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Hello

My name is Aaron and my wife and I lost our 16 year old son 2 weeks before Christmas this past year. Life is fucked up . My wife has pushed me away and we are now seperated. Just wondering if there is some1 going thru the similar thing.  I just don't know what 2 do.

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Good Evening Indigos  Thank you for being here and providing me with the support and love I so needed when I lost my only child Stephen 10 years ago.  Dee, Sherry, Trudi  Oh how you helped me

Betty  

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Sweet Betty, so so glad to see you again. I have dearly missed you and would love to stay in touch.

Aaron, the way life is now for you is definitely f-up. Many marriages suffer after the loss of a Child...because we change so much when we lose a Child it is hard for a couple to be in sync with loss. I am so sorry for the loss of your Son, just 16 years old. Tell us about him if and when you are ready. I am also sorry that you are out on your own right now. I hope that you have a support system of friends and family. Coming here is a good way to have a place in which to let it out and ask questions as you are already doing.

When I lost my Girl, a long time ago now, my husband and I definitely went through some hardship, I needed way more time to myself after Erica died. I am sure that I pushed him away as well. I was so paranoid after Eri was killed that I jumped whenever I heard a siren, and it was hard on him. Eventually however, we found our balance, he understood the time I needed to be alone. He is the Step Parent to my kids, and he never had kids of his own, so in some ways, he could not feel the depth of my loss. I did not blame him for that. He was supportive though, in many ways and even became the one to explain all the legal stuff to my first husband and to me in connection with Erica's death. My first husband even came to depend upon my husband, which was really something for him to do. My first husband died 5.5 years after our Daughter died.

I went to therapy at the 6 month mark after Erica died, and that helped me immensely, and being here in this space was a most helpful place to spill my heart without worry of being judged...

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Tommy's mum

Danng I found that peom too and read it many many times it was a comfort. Use whatever resources you have. I have a file of just such quotes to feed my pain and soothe my heart on bad days, also a file of inspirational quotes for better days to keep a balance.

Dee you can tell you are a seasoned survivor your clear and insightful thoughts with truth and compassion are so helpful. The fact that your second husband helped your first so much shows how lucky you are to have him in your life. i am single and have often thought it would be nice to have a significant other to be there esp as my children are grown and live in different cities. A cat helps but not the same!! Guess I am a stereotype now..... crazy cat lady!

Dianne I knew exactly what you meant and it is a truth that has to be faced with courage and strength and one that can be hard to hear. However we need honesty we don't need people to wrap up their words in cotton wool or sugar them  this is life, this is the way it is now. I have commented before on your compassionate writing and how it has helped me.

Vonbalt/Allen there is a way to add your signature to your posts which is nice because it feels more personal rather than a site name or not if you prefer. I am glad you came across to join us as there are many people on this site.

Betty hi I dont think I have met you before. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can offer your insights since you have been doing this a long time.

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Hi everybody, this weekend was terrible, cried all day, just being in such pain and feeling so lonely. I wanted to be dead. Is that normal ? I don't know how to get on like that. Feels like getting worse. Maybe someone can write me some helping words.

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Silky, in grief, it gets worse before it gets better for sure. I would just say that most of us also wished to be gone after we lost our Baby. It is hard to proceed int his world without them. We wonder why we should, what is the point? But we are still here, and for some reason, I knew that that meant I needed to stand where Erica no longer could. I had to live as best I could as I inched along trying to scratch out a life again. But yes, it gets worse, as shock wears away, the pain both physical and emotional, gets worse. I remember calling my husband at the three month mark, I was at school and suddenly without warning, the layer of shock that I did not even know was there, fell away, and I called him weeping, wondering if I should come home...I was so bruised and broken at that junction. Like you, like all of us who suffer this horrid event in our lives, we are broken. It takes time to put our pieces back together again, and they will never fit as they once did, but they will fashion themselves in a form that you will come to love again. Promise.

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

still with this header, don't know how to remove it.
Hi group! I have been trying to read here everyday, but really difficult right now. Last week .my eyesight took a really bad turn.
 
My left eye, which had been the better of the two, suddenly became very cloudy and blurred, and the eye doctor,
who is a retina specialist, determined that I had a build up of fluid in my eye and did a laser procedure creating a tiny
opening in my iris to allow circulation of the fluids. It didn't hurt too much at first, 
but throbbed for hours afterwards, and if was last Thursday, the same day the viewing for my friend, Robyn,
that died of the brain anurism. My daughter took me and it took almost an hour in line outside the funeral home as
there was such a line of friends and co-workers there. It was good to speak to and hug all the family, her husband, her
two precious 13 year old twins, her mom and brother and brothers and sister-in-laws. Such a closeknit and
spiritually strong family. Robyn's husband, his brothers and his dad are or were all watermen in Deal Island, MD. Near where I grew up. I was exhausted and my eye really hurting by the time I got home.
 
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JD's Mom, Becky

Wow! The header is gone!! Really don't know how that happened!

I am so very sorry to see all the new parents here, just breaks my heart because we do know the pain of losing a child. I lost my youngest child going on six years ago.His name was Jared, and he was only 15, and was hit from behind by an impaired/ distracted driver (imo), as he was skateboarding just 1/4 mile from our country home. I found this site about two months after losing my baby, and the first person to respond to me and direct me to post here was Betty! Thank you so much, Betty, and so good to see your post! Dee and Sherry were here already, and some others that don't post anymore or not as often. All that were here listened as I poured out my heart in ways that I couldn't to friends and even to family. People just don't understand unless they've been through it. Come back and tell us about your children who we will refer to now as your angels, who still watch over you and whom we will be reunited with someday. I believe and trust in that with all of my heart and soul. 

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JD's Mom, Becky

Just wanted to share with you all the latest sign from my angel. This was the night after Robyn's viewing, and I heard this ringing a couple of days before, in the middle of the night and could not figure out where it was coming from. The first time it was an intermittent ringing, like a phone, but there is no phone anywhere near this corner. I decided the next time it happened, if it did, that I would record it! I haven't shared this with anyone outside of my husband and daughter, fearing they would think I'd slipped off the deep end. I haven't, trust me! You can see from the video that I was watching TV when it started, and turned off the TV to see if it was in anyway associated with the TV or speakers, but no.

 

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Hi,

I am new to this. First of all, I am so sorry for all of your losses. It has been 9 months since I lost my son suddenly at age 30. Nothing can describe this horrible heart wrenching, unimaginable pain that I feel. I have been to griefshare which helped very much. I was moving along okay for a month and then ambushed by grief yet again. I don't go a minute without thinking of him. I too am so exhausted from this grief and want it to go away. I think my body found a way to protect me for that one month because my body could't take it anymore. I am going to see a counselor tomorrow and I know this will help me. The hospice by me is starting a coffee group next week for parents that have lost their adult child, so this too will help. I all of a sudden feel immobilized and can't seem to function again. I was really hoping to move forward and am wondering if anyone can tell me if there is anything else I can do. The poems just make me cry so hard. Any affirmations or anything that will help on a daily basis?

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InHeavensKeeping

How wired I posted a reply on here the other day to you Dee, Diane, Leasley and Sherry and I can't find it. 

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Cher, all of the things you are joining and trying will eventually help you find your way...you are far stronger than you ever wanted to find out Dear. When we live one day beyond our Child...we are very brave humans, and we hunt and find a way to live again, a way that honors our Child and honors living well...You will find your way...time and those who get it will help you.

 

Becky, I am sorry that your vision is less than it was, but I am glad that you are staying in contact with your Doctor for sure. I love the ringing, LOVE THAT BOY!

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Georgina, maybe it got deleted somehow, I have lost posts as well. How are you Sweetie?

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InHeavensKeeping

I just wanted to see if my post were appearing don't know what happened.  So annoying 

i just wanted to say a big Thankyou to you Dee, Diane, Leasley and Sherry for caring about me and all the advice. I just wanted to say that the reasone I don't take antidepressants is because It's hard to explain but that I have to grieve, have to grieve and go through the pain to come out the other I didn't want to be numb and have no emotion.

Dee I'm doing ok Thank you I'm changed though Dee and I feel sad about that I used to be such a happy person even my life was hard I was happy. But now it's like I'm drowning trying to get my head above the surface and not making it. 

Im sad to see the new parents here.  I'm glad you've found us and I hope you find the comfort here that I've found without which I wouldn't of survived. God Bless x

Take Care much Love xxx 

 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Thought I would share this gxx

 

 

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Georgina, I get why you did not want to take anti-depressants, and even if you did, it is sometimes hard to find the right one, the right dosage. I never went on meds until about 3 years ago. I went along fine but when Grandies came to us, I worried relentlessly, just so worried about every little thing. So I went on Lexapro. I stayed on for about 1.5 years. I stopped feeling like ME. Though it helped me through a time I needed help with. No tears would come while on meds, and I am a crier. I missed my tears as silly as that sounds.

Georigina, no you are not the YOU that you remember, you are the new you with aches and pain, and a broken heart. Try if you can to embrace that James loves you fully with your ache and your pain and your broken heart, that will never change, but what he wants more than anything, is to see you find your way again. It must be so hard to climb out of that deep well that you were thrust into again, to do it once is hard as hell, to do it twice???I pray I never know. I am wishing I could build a safe feeling for you, like a ladder out of that well, into the light of day again.

Thanks for the Japanese bowl. So pretty.

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So sorry to see new parents here, and sorry for your loss.  Please come back if you can.

 Everyone on this site knows the heartache of losing a dear child, and extends understanding.

 

Georgina-------Thank you for your kind words.  I, too, did not want to go on antidepressant meds,

even though a Dr. said that I may have to take them for  a long time..  I just felt that I had to

'tough it out' somehow, and feel the feelings, and shed the tears that came along with losing a child.

 A broken heart just has to change a person......especially emotionally, and many times physically, as

many here at BI can attest to.  Thanks for the beautiful video of Japanese bowls, and

lovely photos & artwork.  Music beautiful too.

 

Dee------- I get what you mean about somehow  'missing the tears'.  Many times, I have felt like

this when in that deep dark hole, and wished that the tears would come pouring out to help, but

they did not come.  A terrible feeling , on top of the grief.

 

PEACE   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

 

   

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hello everyone, I am on my phone so reading and writing isn't what it should be. 

I am writing today in warning. Not reaction only that if this happens to you, act quickly.

On December 28 I had a heart attack. I was busy the week before and felt tired but not to the point of being fearful. 

I woke very early and immediately ran downstairs to make coffee. when I came back up stairs I noticed that my arm felt funny. it felt as if I had slept on one side all night so I rubbed it. in a very short time I realized I could not lift my arm but I could swing it back and forth . I did not have chest pain. somewhere in the back of my mind I knew  I should be taking aspirin but I wasn't able to get to it. my mind wasn't exactly clear and when I dialed nine-one-one I started to vomit. 

the EMTs. were  on the way so I called a friend of mine who stayed on the phone with me all the way to the hospital because I didn't know my cell phone was still on. 

I broke out in a cold sweat as I lay on the gurney in the ambulance and they administer two doses of nitroglycerin. 

I was taken to a local hospital that actually had a heart hospital inside. 

I remember wanting to go to sleep  but the EMT said" don't go to sleep don't go to sleep."

the world seemed rather quiet at that time. 

when I arrived at the emergency room there was a whole team of people waiting for me.

I was rushed in and had angioplasty and they placed a stent in my descending artery. 

as some of you know Richard died from an anomaly in his descending artery however his was most likely genetics and mine was due to poor choices . 

I stayed in the hospital for 3 Days.  Sarah  was running around and getting my medication and food when I was discharged. The poor kid. 

I'm feeling well. I was very emotional after this but as I read it was to be expected. I am now on 5 different medication as we're before I was on one. 

I just wanted to reinforce a warning for women to watch out for this. The arm. I am 56 years old. 

I haven't had a chance to read much but I'm very sorry to see the new parents here as well. 

please take care of yourselves for losing our child/children surely does break our hearts. 

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Wow Betsy, to see you and Betty in one week is truly amazing. But I am so sorry that you are telling us that you had a heart attack, grateful too that you have survived it and have a new lease on life. What do you mean your heart condition was bad choices...5 medications a day now, but that is okay because they are helping you into each next day. I am so glad that you knew what to do, calling 911 and calling a friend. Good thinking woman. Thank you for the warning. Women do experience heart issues differently than men. Keep visiting here so we can hear how you are and where life has led you thus far?

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5 hours ago, ericasmom said:

Cher, all of the things you are joining and trying will eventually help you find your way...you are far stronger than you ever wanted to find out Dear. When we live one day beyond our Child...we are very brave humans, and we hunt and find a way to live again, a way that honors our Child and honors living well...You will find your way...time and those who get it will help you.

 

Becky, I am sorry that your vision is less than it was, but I am glad that you are staying in contact with your Doctor for sure. I love the ringing, LOVE THAT BOY!

Thanks for your kind words, I do not feel strong at all. Weaker thank I have ever felt. But yes somehow I will make it through. I find it therapeutic to light a candle everyday at his grave site which we call his property. Also lighting a candle at a special place in my home and blow it out and say goodnight. As a mom my body and mind doen't know how to stop taking care of him so this helps.

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3 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Cher, it sounds like you are doing many things to help yourself. Grief doesn't let you go around it, you have to go through it. I certainly have many ups and downs....still cannot even say his name without tearing up.However, you asked for an affirmation and I have one I use every morning.  I still have my first thought every morning that my son is dead.  Brutal, slap in the face and I am unable to throw that thought in a bag and seal it up. But I now follow that up with this:

Today I will will inhale, the essence of your being to give me strength.

Today I will exhale a piece of my sorrow.

Becky, sorry to hear of  more difficulties with your eyes. What an unbelievable sign from Jared.  Perhaps he set off the ringing  to make sure you  could be aware of him and not miss a sign that you would have trouble seeing.  Smart boy that he is.....

Aaron, I wish I had words of wisdom to give but I am at a loss.  I hope that you and your wife can come together in your sorrow and be stronger together in your loss than apart and hurting alone. Respect each other's grief as it may not be shown in the same way but it is for the same reason, the loss of your wonderful son.

Georgina, a beautiful song as always----touches the heart.  Georgina, I understand wanting to not take medication to mask the pain. You have been suffering so much with all you face.  It always seems like The Compassionate Friends help you when you go.  Do they have weekly meetings?  Maybe if you cannot do an individual grief counselor  or use medications, maybe their group meetings regularly could help.  We all know that everyone's grief is unique and you have certainly had your share of complications from the law to your health --and your husband's. I am no physician or therapist  but maybe meds would give you time to get your strength back so you can continue to heal? We are different people than we were 2.5 years ago and we have to find our way.  I know you have it in you.

 

Hi,

Thanks for affirmations. I will definitely give it a try and keep working at surviving this unbelievable nightmare. I am at a point where nobody really wants to talk about it or hear me talk about my son. I can see and feel how uncomfortable they are when I mention my sons name. It is not like I am crying when I talk about it, I just mention something about him. It is hard not to talk about him as he has always been a huge part of my life and I am not comfortable not talking about him if something comes to mind. It is hard to pay attention and stop yourself from mentioning his name. So what now. Stop seeing my family because they are uncomfortable.? I refuse to bury his memories as well. So this only adds to my loss. Don't get me wrong, I do have great support from my hubby and my other son. But the rest of people are uncomfortable as they are not living my life, where all I think about is my son. They act like nothing happened. This is going to be a hurdle I will have to get through as well. Did you have this happen and if yes how did you handle ti?

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A poem you Newbies can relate to,  written early on in grief.

Weaver

 

 

Thread your beams through me

and fill me with your silver light,

I shall let your lumens free

distributing them on an otherwise

dark and cloudy night.

 

 

Weave me with your magic sheen

and hoist me by my aching soul

I shall spread your angel being

touching those who also ache

 by what happenstance stole.

 

 

 

 dee

 

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When I cry because of the pain and heartache, I wish so much for relief. But when I feel OK and don't cry for a while (few hours) I feel bad because I think I should be crying more. What is up with that? It's a weird feeling.

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4 hours ago, Joe's Mom said:

When I cry because of the pain and heartache, I wish so much for relief. But when I feel OK and don't cry for a while (few hours) I feel bad because I think I should be crying more. What is up with that? It's a weird feeling.

Hi Joe's mom

It is very normal. I think your body has a protective mechanism that comes into play sometimes when your body can't take it anymore. It is very important to know that everything you feel is normal unless you want to take action and hurt yourself and then you need immediate help. The most important thing I learned at my group was that everything I feel is normal and okay. Grief is a journey and can't be rushed, so don't expect it to go away quickly. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't better after a month. I wondered around in circles probably for 6 months and when I went to the store, I always forget where I parked my car. At the 8 month mark I was finally able to remember where I parked my car. For 1 month out of the last 9, I seemed to be going along okay, not crying etc. Well I believe my body found a way to protect itself because it couldn't take the stress and pain. Now at 9 months I have been ambushed by my grief again and feel in limbo again. I need to right a list to make sure I get things get done. otherwise I will be wondering around aimlessly. I always forget where I am going and have to work at remembering. I have never been like this ever. But I do notice changes, such as being able to find my car. It is a long journey and not a fun one, but one that we have to take. AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! 

Be strong and don't feel bad for anything you feel.

Cher

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Georgina,

I love the Japanese Bowl video.  I throw pottery on the wheel myself, and I love the aesthetics of the cracked vessel.

It's so funny, I've been doing ceramics for years, but it was only after my Nathan passed that I learned to embrace and then love all the flaws, cracks and finger marks in every piece that I create. Only now does nothing have to be perfect to be loved.

Odd, isn't it?

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi I know I've shared this before but I wanted our newbees to hear it this is a lovely version gxx

 

 

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5 hours ago, Cher said:

Hi Joe's mom

It is very normal. I think your body has a protective mechanism that comes into play sometimes when your body can't take it anymore. It is very important to know that everything you feel is normal unless you want to take action and hurt yourself and then you need immediate help. The most important thing I learned at my group was that everything I feel is normal and okay. Grief is a journey and can't be rushed, so don't expect it to go away quickly. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't better after a month. I wondered around in circles probably for 6 months and when I went to the store, I always forget where I parked my car. At the 8 month mark I was finally able to remember where I parked my car. For 1 month out of the last 9, I seemed to be going along okay, not crying etc. Well I believe my body found a way to protect itself because it couldn't take the stress and pain. Now at 9 months I have been ambushed by my grief again and feel in limbo again. I need to right a list to make sure I get things get done. otherwise I will be wondering around aimlessly. I always forget where I am going and have to work at remembering. I have never been like this ever. But I do notice changes, such as being able to find my car. It is a long journey and not a fun one, but one that we have to take. AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! 

Be strong and don't feel bad for anything you feel.

Cher

Thank you Cher for your feedback, it is very reassuring to me.

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2 hours ago, Joe's Mom said:

Thank you Cher for your feedback, it is very reassuring to me.

Also if you get into a group like griefshare and counselling at a hospice near you, it really helped me. 

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Hello to all INDIGOS.

I've been having trouble with posting, so am a bit mixed up on which of my

posts went through, and which ones didn't make it.  :angry: Sometimes the

previous post is still in the reply field when I want to post a new one.....

sometimes only half of it.   GRrrrrr  I hope this one goes through......hate

losing a post & having to  start all over again.

 

Silky-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son only 16 yrs. old.  Please

come back to this site.  Everyone cares, and understands.

 

Joesmom-----I hope that you can continue to come to this site.  I'm sorry

for your loss of your son, and that you have need to ever find yourself on

a site such as this, but it can be  a measure of comfort to know that you are

with those who can understand the grief of losing a child.

 

Dianne----thank you for you kind words, and for your posts that are so

filled with compassion and understanding . 

 

Aaron-----I'm sorry that you are having family problems after the loss of

your dear son. This is not uncommon for grieving parents. Sometimes

it just seems to be so difficult to deal with all the grief & emotions. I do

hope that in time, you and your wife can work it out.  Peace to you.

 

 Kate------Good to see your post.  I've missed you, but then I haven't

been on BI for short periods.  :huh:

 

Betty-----Hi, friend!  So glad to see your post.  I think of you, and wonder

how you are doing.   Do you still enjoy the park & squirrels, and take in

those lovely concerts?  I hope so.  Take care.

 

Bob-----Yes, this site can be very frustrating to navigate sometimes......( a lot

of times, it seems).  It takes patience......something that's hard to come by at times. :o

 

Cher------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son.  ( I may have missed your

original post....having trouble with the site from time to time).  I'm glad you

have come back. We need everyone's input on this rough journey.

 

Betsy------Good to see your post, and Rich's face, but sorry to learn of your

heart attack.  You are right......many times, women's symptoms of a heart attack

do not fit neatly into the recognized  category  that one reads about.  Thank goodness

you called 911, and that you were rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and that

the hospital had a team of heart experts on hand.  Thanks for your excellent and helpful post,

and I'm sending prayers for your recovery. 

 

Tommysmum-----thank you for your post and for the insightful words.

 

Becky-----Hope that your eye problems will be resolved soon.  Prayers.

  

Dee-----thank you for the poem "Weaving"......I remember it,....and find the words so 

true and inspiring.  Have you experienced any of the terrible weather/storms that have

hit the Midwest & Illinois?  I saw it on t.v.   Very scary.  We've been ok here. 

   

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Tommy's mum

Silky it is just so damn hard every day for a long time but it very slowly eases a little and then you read posts by parents who have had more recent losses, recognise their feelings and look back to see actually how far you have come yourself. It all takes time. I understand your pain and feelings of not wanting to carry on it all feels too much to handle. It is all too much to handle for a battered soul and grieving heart.But it will very slowly ease even if you are not aware of it. I know how hard it is to face painful truths and process facts but by facing fears and anxieties you gain the upper hand. I have suffered with agoraphobia since losing Tommy something I have never had before along with other crippling anxieties which seem so silly but make you incapacitated or handicap your abilities. I have barely left my house in all that time but yesterday I went on a bus then a plane to the USA on my own which is a huge personal victory. I lived here for 18 years and brought my kids up here. I am staying with my very best friend and family and have seen friends that I thought i would not see again because i had moved back to the UK.. You can do it!!

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

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Thank you Dianne and Sherry, I know that for me writing was/is a way to find my steps, and then knowing what it was to be early on this road, these poems may assist others. Poetry is not for everyone, but I have long loved it, both reading it and writing it.

To those new here, keeping a journal is one way many folks find is helpful, it does allow you to record what you are feeling at any given time and while that may sound like it has no merit, it can serve to fill in those blank spots that occur in our memories right after we lose a Child, but also for that backward glance to see how far you have come. Helping another on this site or other places you may belong is the glue for me. I know that in those early months of grief, if I responded to someone's achingly sharp pain in their even newer grief, I would get a sense of purpose, a sense of being able to share what I know that I never wanted to know...therefore turning my experience into something that may be useful for others.

Joe's Mom, that sense of needing to cry and then wondering why you are not crying???Just part of the whole puzzle of grief. There is guilt just by virtue of being a parent, it is born in us when we have a child, and if they die, goodness knows we have a new kind of guilt. And when we grieve, we think ourselves less loving if we go for an hour or a day or a week without tears when in fact, it is part of the process...it is how we learn to live again, anew. When we laugh our first genuine laugh, it can make some feel that they are bad people to be able to laugh when we lost our child...but we are allowing laughter as we allow our tears, as we allow our fits of anger and despair, we are human after all. I imagine our Kids hearing the music of our laughter, how it must make them smile.

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Tommy's mum

Becky sorry you are having eye problems, having a physical ailment surely does not help when you are going through getting your life back together after a loss. I am sure attending the funeral of your friend was difficult too because it brings up memories again. Sharing your signs is also positive thanks.

Cher pretty much all I can say is 1) Remind yourself it is not forever, it is just for right now. You will see your son again,one day i promise. Ryan is by your side always and in your heart.

                                              2) Try to just breathe. Sounds stupid but I could not catch my breath properly for months there was a permanent lump in my throat and I felt I could not ever get enough air in. Put your hands on either side of your waist, close your eyes and try and deep breathe in and blow hard out of your mouth imagining blowing out those feelings of anger or panic or stress. Do it several times until you feel calmer. May want to be sitting down. it makes you lightheaded sometimes.

                                                3) repeat out loud to yourself "I am ok I. will be ok .it's gonna be ok". you can help yourself by repetition and self belief. Remember you are in control of you, and you can, with plenty of practise ,talk yourself down from an anxiety or panic attack.

                                                4) take a multi vitamin and mineral every day. grief does all kinds of weird to your body and not caring about eating is common causing a deficit in nutritional value. Try and drink milk or drink a build up protein shake or smoothie if your stomach is in knots and you can't eat. My hair which has always been very thick and fast growing began to fall out because I was not eating right but after a couple months of taking a supplement it began to grow again and I felt better in myself and more able to cope.

                                                  5) You can never cry too much it's ok. Also there may be times that you just feel completely numb and uncaring of anything and that is kind of normal for grieving too. Go with it and don't try and force your feelings down. If you have somewhere private and open where no one can hear you, scream out loud as much as you want. I found screaming very therapeutic and only neede to do it on two occasions but boy did I feel better for it.

                                                   6) Talk, share with a friend/family/counsellor, write, sing ,whatever, but put your feelings into words acknowledging them. Sharing is really really important.

Dianne I love that you heard that voice of reason from your son telling you eternity is forever and that your family needed you. That was what it took to help you find the strength to carry on and live and that is powerful.

Dee I quote you here because you nailed it when you said

On 3/6/2017 at 0:41 PM, ericasmom said:

 I had to live as best I could as I inched along trying to scratch out a life again....I was so bruised and broken at that junction. Like you, like all of us who suffer this horrid event in our lives, we are broken. It takes time to put our pieces back together again, and they will never fit as they once did, but they will fashion themselves in a form that you will come to love again. Promise.

 

Silky hang in there you are doing ok just keep on focusing on an hour at a time and then it will be another day and so on and so on it will get easier but it does take time.

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WEll thank you Lesley, I knew back those many years ago, that I had to find a purpose again, that being alive meant I had to live my best life, stand where Erica could no longer stand, and let my tear-stained life stand for something.

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Today I feel like I need a vacation from this rollercoaster. I miss riding the little boats in "It's a Small Small World"

Every change that has come at us since Nathan passed feels like a freight train right through the middle of whatever we are trying to rebuild. One week after he passed, they started construction on a new playing field, tennis courts and running track for the high school that lasted 5 months of big vehicles, moving earth, sounds and smells starting at 7:00 am every day often until long after supper at 19:00... Then my mom got diagnosed with lung cancer right before Christmas, and now we lost 1/4 of our roof from the massive wind storms yesterday. So now we need to replace the entire roof.  Money is already tight from funeral expenses, lawyer fees and medical bills... It all feels so monumental, where I used to be able to work through these things in stride. It's so exhausting and some days I just can't handle it but there is no one else who can do it for me so I keep plodding along.

I need a month where nothing drastically changes. Apparently, that's too much to ask.

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A vacation from the hardships of life! Wouldn't that be grand? I live in the midwest too Divianz, lot's of roofing materials around town, glass, telephone lines, I am sorry that you lost part of the garage roof. Will insurance help out at all? If not, time to call out the neighbors for some good old fashioned help out thy neighbor. I don't know if that is an option, but if it is, take all the help you can get. Many of us feel as you do, one thing after another, and prior to our Child dying, we could take it all in stride, but after a Child dies, nothing comes easily, nothing allows the strength back in our bones and blood again...but time. Give yourself the time you would advise a close friend or family member if they too went through  what you are. We are terribly hard on ourselves, expecting so much from the broken pieces of our soul. Repair comes hard, but it does come. I stay here to make sure that you know that there are those of us long on this road who believe in the process of healing. We will always ache over these losses, they are life changing, but you will learn to incorporate them into your life. We morph into a person whose hearts had to be rebuilt and as I have said many times here on this site, that we grow our hearts even bigger in order to carry all that we have lost right next to all that remains. I liken it to a nest in our hearts, a shelter of sorts. It becomes a lovely thing that we always wear, our special angels sitting snugly with us in all we do.

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Dee, these were exactly the things I needed to hear today.

It's the house roof, and insurance will cover it, minus the grand for a deductible.  It's so funny though because I'm worried more about the sounds and smells and time that strangers will be around my house more than I am about the money. So weird what freaks us out after trauma like we've had. It's not that I care about the money, it's that I care about my peace and quiet. The winds yesterday unnerved me, not because of their destruction but because of the noise.

Thank you so much for these words. I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow and going to go into the studio to indulge myself in art. That's my zen place right now, headphones on, wheel spinning, just me and the moveable clay. 

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That's how I feel too, Dianne.  It's just one thing after another some days. Other days I feel like it's been awhile since I had too much on my plate.

I'm like you, I work from home most of the time. I try to go in to work one day a week at least but most weeks I don't. The nature of my jobs is one where I don't have to be there, so it's been a big blessing for me. I go to the grocery store at like 2AM too! It's so quiet and no one there.  I love it, just me and the stockers.

I'm sorry that your daughter has to move so far away.  I'm going on a plane to Portland for the big Ceramics conference there and I purposely took flights that were long stop-overs in Denver so I have time to get off the plane and get to somewhere quiet.  I also paid an extra $150 for first class so I don't feel so cramped. I think it will be worth it. Luckily, my sister lives in Portland and I am staying with her at her home or I wouldn't go at all. She's a social worker and a blessing to me.

Hopefully you'll get to visit often with your grandbaby and daughter if you can't be there all the time.  If not, maybe you can connect through Skype or Facetime and read beadtime stories or just visit face to face. Sometimes that is a comfort if you can't be there. My son's grandparents are 3000 miles away and they Skype us regularly just to feel like they are here.

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Devianz and Dianne, I have needed things to be quieter in my years since Erica died, hard since i teach 3rd grade, not very quiet job, but I think my walks are that for me now, a chance of quiet, just my steps and the trees and birds and the sunrise or sunset or high sun of lunchtime, depending on when I am walking.

Sleep well Everyone...a long day here but I am glad to read you all.

Bob, so good to see you and wow! things are progressing on the case, I am so glad of that for you.

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Dianne, have  you seen the new 6 minute short animated  film called PIPER? It is about a baby sandpiper, so beautiful. Your Grandgirl may get a kick out of the name. I have a Great Niece two days older than my Grandgirl, named Piper.

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Bob, when will this continue? Is  your lawyer hoepful?

Diane

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