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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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And very well said Kate, These are the facts of this new world, that daily, we are seeing the lives of those around us change on a dime: can Grandmom stay here on her green card? Does Mom have to leave her children because she is not a citizen, but she works and pays taxes all the same? Can our town turn into a sanctuary town so that we can collectively protect those whose lives are hanging in the balance? How can this be okay? I feel like we are not far from when Anne Frank had to be hidden to stay alive. When news outlets are kept out of news worthy output from the White House, when a White House staffer can say that there was a massacre at Bowling Green and keep on talking as though it was real! It was not real! Amazing stuff, and now we have ships in the China sea showing our strength to them just in case...why? Because things were said that were provoking, just like things were said to Australia's leader that were provoking, and goodness knows, even if others don't agree, RUSSIA is at our back door! Invited by the way, by the person in charge.

Enough said, but these are real threats, real stories, not fake, real. And now we are asked to not bring these stories into this place so we haven't, but then Lora brought it back today, why? Why? So I have had my say, I shall go back to being the woman who knows you all through our collective grief, but share those other parts of our lives privately with those who are not put off talking about the world in which we live.

 

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Good evening all,

When I found this life saving site nearly 5 years ago in March I could not believe I was still alive, or that I could continue to live without my sweet Sarah.   I remember looking at those ahead of me interacting and sharing everyday things, amazed that they were functioning beyond thier loss.  I could not see beyond the big black hole that I had been thrust into.  But at the same time they were sharing with me at the deepest level of my heart and soul and throwing life preservers and hanging onto me  at a time when I could not see beyond my pain.   They encouraged me to come often and to share ANYTHING that I needed to and I would not be judged.   I remember being told that I WOULD survive this and I WOULD be able to get through the long endless pain filled days.  You know, at that time I did not believe it.  I just couldn't, but what I did know was that here there were people who were making it, who were not only getting through it but were able to see joy again.  It was evident in the everyday stories and sharing of life, not outside of their pain but incorporated into their grief. There was hope that someday I could be better, as those ahead of me were encouraging me I could and that maybe I would survive.     Well you were ALL right.   And without this site and the examples I have seen and held onto, I don't know where I would be.   Even when I couldn't write, I read, and have come to learn about all of the wonderful people here.  I have learned to love your children and think of them when something reminds me of their stories.  And I hope this happens when you think of my Sarah .  Keeping her memory and life alive.   Lora, I think we are close in this journey time wise and I am here to say it is still so very hard, but we cannot forget you or your sweet Cara.  Whether you are here or not we have those beautiful stories, pictures and your precious memories of your girl.   She will be alive in our hearts and minds.     It was also evident that from the start that we all have different belief systems and life experiences but that has been ok.      It is our loss that bonds us and it doesn't matter weather we agree.  I have seen love and acceptance and differences accepted every day.  Now we enter such a turmoil in our world and it is scary, and messy and horrible and it affects each one of us. Everyone, no matter what side we are on, are dealing with all of the turmoil on a DAILY sometimes minute by minute basis.   And yes it takes it's toll and it is part of us.   It makes us angry and vulnerable.     We can't help but share that with those in our lives, and those we interact with and love.  And I hope that does not change here.  In our world  instead of accepting each other as we are and respecting that we do not always agree, we turn away from those who believe differently and cut off relationships that are good and healing.   That has not been the case in this group everyone has been so accepting.  I may not agree with your political position,  and you may not agree with mine but there was a time that we had friends who were affiliated from both or all three parties and we were still friends.  Our political preference was just that our preference, not who we are.   I don't know when that changed.  I wish it hadn't.  (yep, I am old but I remember it:-)   So with all of this rambling I just want each of you to know that I will keep coming back to this family that none of us ever wanted to be in, to get strength, encouragement and friendship.   After all, the worst that can happen has already happened to us and everyone here gets it.       We can face the days ahead together because of who we are.     I love you all.

Sandy

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Another very well said piece, and I so agree, it is in the conversations that those in front of us on this path, have, that we see that others have found some semblance of life again, it is what offers us hope and encouragement, no matter the context, it is a group of people all suffering the loss of their children, but able to discuss something other than the loss even if only for a few minutes. Our political preference is simply one piece of us, not the whole 'us', and not unlike the religious preference or belief systems of each, they vary and there is a wide range; that is one more piece of who someone is, but is not the whole 'someone'. Thank you Sandy for loving us each, and for stating what you did so well, along with the others who spoke today trying to tamp down the angst, I feel I can go to sleep tonight with a less anxious heart. This has been a tricky scene and once again, I am sorry for the hard feelings my words may have caused.

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New day! It is almost sunny here but I see the clouds coming in from the west...however, it was nice to wake up to sunlight. I want to comment to the person, was it Devianz? Leslie? speaking about time and how mixed up it becomes. I think that the strangest and most abstract entity after Erica died was the aspect of time. Even while she lay in the hospital dying, 6 days of knowing she would leave but praying for a miracle, time was already twisted. I have to say that for the first 5 years it remained very peculiar but it still is in many ways after 13.5 years. The perspective of time and the way it passes is baffling to me at times. I know that in those early days, I was anxious for a new day to start because the nights were so damn slow, ticking so ridiculously slowly, and the nights were the most lonely time. The first two years after Erica died, I wrote a monthly letter to all of her friends and cousins, uniting us under the umbrella of  ERICA. It was a way to keep in close touch with the people she loved best and it was good medicine for me, for my soul. We struggled together and listened to each other, we shared music that reminded us of HER, and shared dreams of her as well as the little touches she added to everyone's world,. I have remained a part of the lives of many of her friends which has been very dear to me. Weddings and baby showers, a new Baby Girl born just three days ago, so Auntie Erica is smiling down on her sweet friend Bridget and her little Daughter. I can feel Erica's smile, that umbrella she shares so readily to us.

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Dianne I agree with your post when you said you found it difficult to read posts about other things that seemed trivial to you at the time and did not relate to you and your pain at that time. I too was a little surprised at some of the things that made members happy when I never thought I could be happy again. i too skipped those posts and just absorbed what felt good for me and my healing. Life does go on and now I appreciate just where those members had got to on their grief journey and how important to them it was to share some of the minutae of their lives because they were SUCCESSES!!! Those little things show that some people are able to find some peace finally and that is awesome.It was not for me then but it is more the case now because I have turned a corner myself and dont find myself drowning in sorrow every day like I was doing before. New people need to accept that although we share a lot of similarities and feelings, some of us have been doing this for a much longer time and are therefore in a much different place and are wanting to share their small victories over grief. We all take and give to this caring site, and being different people we will have different views and none of them are wrong. As you said we skip through the posts that do not feed our soul and another topic comes up.

Dee I dont think you should feel censured by referring to Erica as your angel and discussing your thoughts on Heaven because that is what you believe in. Other people on this site may also believe and take comfort from your words. I do not have faith myself but consider you are lucky to have that power healing you. Whatever helps us guys whatever helps.

On the VERY emotive subject of politics, I tend to err on the side of caution, and think it is probably not the best place to air views. I believe everyone has the right to feel the way they do and vote for someone they believe in and we will all feel differently that is ok. My very dearest friend of 18 years and I never bring it up as we are totally on opposite sides of the fence with equally strong and valid reasons, but i treasure her friendship more than anything. I choose to use my political voice on facebook. Also in actions such as signing petitions, donating to charities and supporting those who have been marginalised or oppressed, trying to use my power as a woman to make effective PEACEFUL changes. This election has been very stormy and produced activists on BOTH sides. We need to each be true to ourselves without being defensive or offensive, and as we used the power of our vote need to use our power to effect changes if we can. I guess we are in a very different time now where to state your political allegiance can be dangerous or damaging to your career as well as dividing families and friendships. Political beliefs should not have the power to destroy, we humans are better than that aren't we? Let us consider carefully where to use our political voices please. As stated above if I do not care for the opinion on a subject I will have to reign myself in and skip to a post which is more balm for my soul. My wish is never to offend anyone and if I fear I may have i apologise, and move on.

This site is full of wonderful caring people and I am grateful to be a part of that. it would be sad to be divided over a topic of conversation, and we are already people that are hurting in the worst possible way.

as daveydow  always says "Peace and love to all Indigos"........ I love that!

 

 

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Hi Everybody, my beautiful daughter Juno has just passed away. She was the most special little girl, she was 21 months old and just never woke up. I am utterly devastated by her loss and part of me still can't believe it is true. I don't know where I will find the strength to go on. I just want to be with her now. I am so worried she is scared or lonely or in pain and she needs her mommy. How do people get through this?

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Oh Tash, I am so so sad for your broken heart, so so sorry. It is not the order of things, losing one so young, so beautiful. I love your Daughter's name: Juno. Tell us more when you are able and wanting to, we listen, we care, we will help you find your way, just as each of us here have been helped along this rocky road. It is the most painful time in your life, please hold on...I believe our Children are surrounded by those souls and spirit guides that help them immediately to feel the peace that is that 'other place'.

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Lesley, thanks for your calming view of things, it is helpful to us all no matter what side of the recent discussion we reside. I was not feeling censored by my religious beliefs, I was only using that as an example to what censoring can do if we let each other censor our words and thoughts.

The sun has won over the clouds and the wind is singing through the trees so I am off for walk to see what I can see on a chilly beautiful Sunday.

 

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Ericasmom, I'm so sorry that any of us have to meet this way. Thank you for your kind words. I'm desperate to connect with people who understand. Before this happened it was my worse nightmare - now that it has it is so unimaginably painful, even my worse nightmare didn't get close.
Juno was so special, she wasn't a bit of trouble from the moment she was born. She was so loving and full of laughter. She was always doing stuff to make me and her dad and her big sister laugh. She would light up a room. Everybody who met her was just enchanted with her - she was magical. What a waste of perfect life. I would trade places with her in a heart beat.
Juno had a temperature last Sunday night and we gave her some medicine and put her to bed. She never woke again. I didn't check on her that night and I will never forgive myself. Maybe I could have saved her.
Juno and I had such a bond - she was my mini me. I told her all my secrets. She was also so pleasant - she never said no, her initial response to anything was yes. She was so easy going.
I don't know how to be there for my older daughter. She's 6 and she just wants to get back to normal but I'm falling apart in front of her. We're also having another baby, it's early so it is supposed to be a secret. The only person I had told was Juno! And now it's the last thing I want. How will I ever look after another baby after losing my precious little girl.
Life is so awful.

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Tash, it sounds like so many stories of kids with a strain of flu or meningitis that just ramps up without any warning, without anyone being able to know...the guilt of not saving her is a universal sadness that we all share, no matter how our Child died, we parents feel we should have been able to do something, anything! But we were not able to, there was no reason to think that a slight fever could be part of something more. Juno will always call you Momma and she will always be your Daughter. Nothing gets to take that from you. As far as your 6 year old, life has completely changed for her as well but from her point of view, she just needs something to remain the same. If at all possible, provide her the same bedtime, dinner time and school times as she was used to, though with flexibility as the loss of her Sissy takes on different iterations as she processes it. This is very tricky ground. Is there a social worker at her school who can keep an eye on her...family therapy might be an option for later on when processing this shock is at a different stage. Right now, life is awful for you, for your family. It will change over time and after a lot of work, but for right now, it is horrible. Please try to drink a lot of water to replace that which you lose through tears, try to accept help from friends and family, and let folks know that you need some time to yourself if that is what feels best right now. I am sorry for this terrible sadness, keep talking, keep telling. Juno's life was short but it sounds very sweet and very loving.

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Does it ever get easier? I feel like my life is over. She was my world. I woke up this morning and I'd forgotten. My husband thought he heard her in her cot and was half way out of bed to get her before it all came crashing down again.

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Dianne and Dee thank you for your kind words. In this turbulent transition time we all need to remain calm peaceful and dignified whist being active behind the scenes in the ways we feel best, One of the sites I visit daily and click on is care2.com/click-to-donate it is free and the sponsors donate to a variety of causes including breast cancer, the rainforest, the oceans, pet rescue etc It is one way i aim to try and change the planet in a positive way having little monetary resources myself.

Tashm the advice already given is very good. I would also add considering a multivitamin and mineral supplement that your obgyn recommends. This is because eating is difficult when you grieve and can be erratic and it is important that you self care and protect your baby. I could not eat well and supplements grew my hair back which had thinned and gave me more energy. your minime will always be with you in your heart and by your side you just can't see her for now. Accept all the help you can and allow others to give special time to your daughter when you feel you cannot. She will need love and treats and some normality when her world has crashed too. A new baby is usually an exciting time but for you must be such an emotional whirlwind  especially when the hormones kick in as well. It will give you a focus and more reason to rest and care for yourself because you know that new life is dependent on you. My sister miscarried a baby at 5 months and then got pregnant again almost immediately. ( a surprise) She said she struggled to deal with her loss and felt guilty for looking forward to having the new baby, almost as if she felt  she was leaving behind the one she lost. That is not true. Every child we are blessed with is special and there is always plenty of love to go round. you will rise to the occasion in true Mummy style and be there for all your children. i am so sorry that your  are having to deal with such turbulent and conflicting emotions when you have a little secret baby on the way. take time to grieve for your little Juno, she sounds like such a special little girl and do what you feel you need to lay her to rest. She is not in pain or scared I promise, she will be safe and watching over you and your family. i don't know if you have faith or not? If you do, make use of it and know you have a strong support system  there in place, if you don't have faith, just know you will see your little again just not for now she is waiting in the wings for you for when you will be reunited at the end of your natural lifetime. You are cared for and supported here. and you all just need to take it a few minutes at a time to get through the pain, then a few more minutes and so on and then that day will be past and so on, getting through each day and its events slowly. it will get easier with time but it is a long painful journey that we all know too well. Keep communicating and we will help you to be strong. You are already a Mum and stronger than you know.

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

Still with this header, don't know how to remove it!
Wanted to share that I noticed that a newbie has posted their story in the " comments and suggestions" section instead of here. I have posted a reply there to try to guide them here! 
 

Screenshot_20170227-133021.png

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Tash, Grief becomes what it must...it demands from us, but when you have little ones who are in constant need of care, your grief may be kind of altered...one day however, you will face it all and will find your way through it...no other way but through it. Along that treacherous path through grief, we learn invaluable ways to live our best lives in order to shine our Child's light. In doing so we come out the other end of grief, still grieving but in a different way, we learn how to live and fit grief into our narrative.( I have two children but one died, however she will always be my Daughter.) One day, but this is a process...it will go up and down and inside out. You will one day feel battered and another day okay enough, it is not linear. Hang on Tash.

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tomorrow is my 20 year old sons  funeral . i dont know how i will cope . i saw him for the last time tonight . i am aware that his spirit is all around me and that is giving me comfort . it will be 25 days since he passed tomorrow but it still feels as raw. since i have been taking the tablets the doctor prescribed i havent wanted to die all the time . i know i have to live for my husband and daughter but it is so hard. it would help if i knew why he died 

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Janinedean I wish you well tomorrow at your precious son's funeral. It is a very tough day but it is also perversely a small relief because all that worrying over planning it is done, You will do him proud. Feel the love for him and your family around you and take comfort that you will have done the best you can to lay him to rest.It is a big step and saying goodbye for the last time is just so very very hard, but just know he is not gone, he is still with you all every day. It is not a "goodbye "it is a"see you later on".. I walked out of the church at the end holding my son's photo, because for me one of the hardest things was the walking away. That way I could leave still holding my son physically in my arms. hugs

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I am feeling particularly vulnerable today.

Last night I was driving home from the studio and I could have sworn that Nathan was in the car with me, chatting and being animated. The tears just came and I had to pull over for a bit to have a good cry. I felt a bit like I was going crazy, and a bit unnerved at the same time.  I am not really a believer in Gods and spirits, I really only believe in the connections we share with one another and how those connections effect us. It could have been a flashback, as we had many conversations like that together late at night riding in the car. My husband is quite a gregarious man, and usually when the boys wanted to talk we'd go under the guise of errands so we could share without someone else interjecting.  I do the same with my youngest son now, and maybe it's a combination of both things. My youngest recently had his voice shift, and now they sound so much alike it's amazing. 7 months. In all his life, I never went more than a week without seeing him, whether it was vacations, camps, even when he moved out.  Now it's been 218 days and I still want to text him and talk to him as if he was still there to respond.

Anyhow, my thoughts are with janinedean today, and sending her all the courage I can muster. It feels like it was decades ago and yesterday to me.

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InHeavensKeeping

Finding life just so hard. Baby Peters anniversary today a grief that can't be spoken hoping and praying he's in the arms of his brother James. There was only a year between them James was one when Peter died I never dreamed I would loose another just can't believe my life   Sorry just not coping.

God Bless X 

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Devianz I know how you feel. My Tommy and I used to message on Facebook (he lived in Hawaii) because that was the way he felt most comfortable. He had  had major addition/sobriety issues for several years and had moved around a lot, getting different phones and sofa surfing so I had to accept that limited contact. I had finally persuaded him to skype video call me and we both loved it so much ( I cried nearly all the way through it because he was clean and sober and employed and happy) we arranged a weekly skype date. Sadly he was killed before our next call ,so that was our only one "live" conversation. i treasure that memory but feel so cheated because it can't ever happen again. I still post to Tommy on his FB it is a way for me and his friends to share things. I am sure Nathan was in the car with you, our children are still with us just not in the earthly sense.

InHeavenskeeping My thoughts are with you, i cannot imagine the immensity of your losses. I am sure James is looking after Peter and they are watching over you every day. Stay strong.

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TashM-------I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear baby girl.  As someone said....

there are no words to console you at this time.  The loss is just too much of

a shock.  I, too, lost a baby girl years ago...she was 6 mo. old.  Our son came

a year after Lisa's death, and now he is gone too.   I agree that having another

baby soon after the loss of the darling who left this world too soon can be

stressful, as we think all sorts of things, and wonder & worry about things.  From my

experience, the new baby.....Davey......helped me immensely in my grief.  I

came to realize that the love is always there for the one who passed, and lots of

love to go around, as someone mentioned in their post.  For now.......just please be kind to yourself, 

and come back to this site if you can.  Everyone here understands the sorrow

of losing a beloved child.   Peace  to  you, friend.

 

Janinedean-----Keeping you in my thoughts today....your dear son's funeral.

Peace  & comfort to you.,

 

Georgina-------Sorry that you are in a dark place now.  I guess that one thing

that is common on this lousy rough road is the  swoops and waves....like a roller coaster

gone wild.   Saying dear little Peter's name and remembering him on his Angel Day. He is

safe, and with James, his dear brother.

Baby Peter-------AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

 

Dianne and Dee----thanks for your words.   You have put into your posts, the

words that I want to say, but can't always come up with the right way to say them.

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry  

 

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Janine, I could not access our site from school today, I thought of you all day knowing how tough it is to walk through the doors of your Child's funeral, never wanting to have it, and then how hard it is to leave as you have to leave without him...I am so sorry for the pain and suffering and to still not know why???Dianne, I forgot that you had such a similar situation...my heart to you. Janine, when you are able come tell us how this hard day went.

Divianz, I do think that Nathan was in the car too, riding shotgun, like my Daughter does, and I so love when I feel her there, as though we can capture a moment in time. Magic.

Sherry, I think that the way yousay things is just perfect, we are all Indigos here, joined by our broken parts, and united by our rebuilding.

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Tommy's mum

I hope these quotes help all of you suffering parents. Lesley7355462ee3eb0e14b386b23c3e5624c7.jpg

 

6e2bee2ceb15be206e4135b3a7a4591f.jpg97922-self-healing-quote.jpg

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Baby Peter Sweetie, I know that you were near your Mum today, holding her hand the way she holds your love. Eternal love and unconditional love.

Georgina, hang on Dear, hang on, we have you in our hopes and prayers.

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Dee, Dianne and TommysMum, your stories helped a lot. Made me feel less like my mental state was unravelling.

Yesterday was super busy with problems at work (software update that failed several times) and at the house (sump pump failed and water was seeping in around the edges), so I was too busy to slow down and really be miserable so that helped as well. Sometimes that is a good thing.

Many hugs to you all. I start a group called GriefShare on Saturday, maybe it will help to be around others and talk about it.

 

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Tommy's mum

Devianz a group sounds a very good idea. I could not attend a group because of disability and moderate agrophobia so this online forum works really well for me. As long as you are talking and sharing and listening whatever is good for your emotional and spiritual health is definitely worth it. let us know how you get on with the group ok? Any resources that we can recommend to help others is appreciated. Thanks

Tearsinheaven I am glad you have had some signs from the beyond, they are very infrequent but help us to keep on going.

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee, Diane, Sherry and Tommys mum. Thank you for your words they gave me comfort and I know I need to keep going and be stronger. I'm a mess, finding life so hard and yet again I keep loosing the 'hope' I get so lost in this grief there seems to be no let up and I think it's because if anything else happens I just X aren't seem to cope will it. It's hard to explain. Do you think I'm ill ? I'm so sick of people not talking to me about James, I know Peter died a long time ago, but they were my babies and I'll never forget ever, but people just don't say anything and I'm struggling with this as it hurts and breaks my heart a bit more day by day  

A warm welcome to our newbees  so sorry for your losses   It's place we never dreamed of belonging to but I've made such caring friends who live in my world. I'll post more tomorrow  thank you for your kind thoughts and support

 I've attached a song for all and especially our angles xx 

 

 

Much love Georgina X

 

 

 

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Tommy's mum

Grief is very sneaky and unkind. It forces its way into your day to try and make you break down, lose hope.give up. But you are stronger than that Georgina. Take some time to reflect and cry then pick yourself up again. Your loss won't change but you can change how you react to your loss. Hugs538867b259249aaa60bb177d47431251.jpg

 

07f5a575db473a41a059136bd3682898.jpg

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi all. One of James's friends posted this today and it lifted my heart and spirit to know how much He still cares for James. I thought I'd share it. Gxx 

 

Hello G,

How are you doing?

I wanted to send you the below song. This is by one of my favorite artists and reminds me of James. The second verse has some beautiful lyrics that I hope resonate for you and give you comfort in knowing that you and James will meet again and that the lord has a plan for all of us!

I miss him terribly and wanted to let you know he is never far from my thoughts!

Send my love to the family! X

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Georgina, your Son's friend reached out just when it was most important to your spirit and soul. Bless his heart. James will never be forgotten my Friend, never will be forgotten. Your little Peter and his Big Bro will reside in you being carried everywhere you go in your heart and memory, until you can hold them again in your arms. And you will. Take them with you and talk to them as you go about your daily jobs. They hear you Georgina.

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Tommy's mum

In Heavenskeeping it is so touching that you received that lovely letter and video from james' friend. I think it is a fear we all have that as time goes by our precious child's memory will be forgotten by others as they hurry along on life's path, but that loyal friend is still caring for you all. What a gift when you have been struggling a bit more recently.

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Dianne, what a beautiful message both your words and the attachment.

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Tommy's mum

Dianne oh my gosh that picture is just so poignant. On Tommy's funeral order of service was a favourite photo of ours and the words "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" and that is what I try to use to buoy myself up on difficult days because the endless time between losing my son and seeing him again is too painful to think about. I will see him later and you all will see and be reunited again joyfully whatever your spiritual beliefs one day so don't despair.

Georgina As a former nurse I am concerned about you. I dont know if you take any antidepressants or not but they helped me regain my sanity which i totally lost after losing Tommy. I also see a psychiatrist and a bereavement counsellor and both have been very useful. It was a while ago that you lost your children and as time goes by with talking etc it should slowly ease a little. To be so wrapped in profound grief indicates that there are possibly still some unresolved issues concerning losing them. Sometimes people try a therapy too soon in the grief process and it does not work effectively because you are still dazed and cannot accept the loss properly. It is very painful but opening yourself up, baring your soul and throwing it all out there does bring some peace of mind and clarity. This site helps massively but actually meeting with someone and working through your emotions face to face is more challenging. It does take time but it is a one on one completely private conversation when they can see what you are trying to avoid talking about and helping you to open up. I believe we become so accustomed to "grin and bear it" for the sake of others and trying so hard to" be what we think people expect us to be like" especially as time goes on, that we do not always get to the real bare roots of our issues and they become buried. This seems to be a self protecting state to give us the edge on "coping" but in fact we are not coping and it comes back again later to bite you in the ass and kick you when you are down. This can become a cycle and really stops your progress of grieving. i have been to the edge of hell and tried to kill myself then was brought back by medical interventione etc. i was angry and resentful of that for a while because I was so tired overwhelmed and just wanted peace. Then I was dazed numb and uncaring of anything which was also a kind of hell because I have 3 other wonderful kids that I love very dearly, but I was too unwell to be able to see what I did have. I slowly became aware of the enormity of what I had done to my family and the horrors it caused them all and i had to work through my guilt. I now know I was very mentally unstable and so do they and the best way for us all is for me to show honest progress,( not bottle my inner feelings up )and commit to getting WELL.. They all see how I am much more at peace, more able to see a future ahead for myself and the steps I am taking to get back into the world and LIVING for the first time in a very long time. I was existing before not living, and believe me, there is a HUGE difference. I feel hope for the first time. I still cry and get emotional don't get me wrong, we will grieve for our lost children forever, but i see a positive way forward and ways to make my life and those I care about happier with happy memories to carry us forward without Tommy being there. It takes courage to recognize things are not right and strength to deal with them. We are all made differently and react to the same stressors differently. What I really want for you is your health. I want you to find the joy of your life again, to be happy doing what makes you happy and the ability to accept those precious children of yours are gone from this world but never from your heart.it sounds impossible, and I know crazy but it is possible and true. What a gift for our lost children to see us grow in strength and confidence and make changes in the world to benefit others. We lead by example as parents so let's show them we can beat grief and its strong grip and be a success story. Hugs

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Laurie, Colleen, Shannon, Kate, Gretchen, Becky, Leah, Bob, Wade, Susan, are you guys okay? Let us know cause we miss you and wonder about you.

Georgina, life is so so hard right now for you, the culmination of loss for two Sons has hit hard alongside the investigation into James' death...your health and your Husbands...please know that you have been brave, that each day you are brave because each day you find ways to live beyond your Child/Children, is the bravest act of all. I am wishing you a glimmer of James' peace, a notion that he wants you to be healthy. We had to put our case to bed at some point Georgina, we did not win against AMTRAK, but did settle with the village and the configuration of the tracks was changed which will save lives going forward. So we were lucky in that outcome but the fight was hurting my spirit, my soul, so I was very glad when we could walk away. I could have kept up the fight with the BIG Company, but I needed to go live a life, it is what Erica would demand, but also what I needed. I am holding your hand and heart and hoping that a tiny shining light comes into your world today in the way of hope and love.

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Hallo everyone, since the death of my 16 yrs. old son in January, I feel just pain , sadness, numb, paralyzed, nothing matters anymore. I know how you felt Tommy's mum.

If I drapp dead now  I wouldn't mind. Too much thinking, crying , what if's......I'm too just so tired and exhausted.

Good I found this forum side and know there're people know how I feel.

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Hi, I am new to this forum and looking for any kind of comfort in sharing with others who are going through the same thing I am.

My son Joe passed away December 19 2016, at the age of 24, and I feel so hopeless, sad, lost. I never knew that the body could feel such pain and deep sadness. I still don't know what he died of as I have not gotten the coroner's report yet, waiting on toxicology.... This makes it even harder. Joe had struggled with addiction for the last 5 years but had been recovering well in the last year. He did have an accident 2 weeks before he died, where he hit his head. So we don't know if he died of complications from his accident or if he relapsed and died of drug overdose. It is hard not knowing.

I just miss him so much. My life has changed forever and I am hating this new life. I sure hope that it will get easier. 

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1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Danng, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to come because it is frequented by compassionate people who know the pain, sorrow and grief associated with the loss of a child no matter the age or the circumstances. I am a couple of years into this sadness and loss----and like you we were not given a cause of death. Because he was alone it became a coroner's case and they did not release his body for almost a month. I will tell you that in the beginning, like you, I was so distraught from wanting to know WHY? You know after a while we didn't even care the reason.  I don't want that to sound uncaring but after a while nothing was going to bring him back. They tested him for all sorts of things including enviromental things with nothing conclusive. Again, nothing was bringing him back.  Nothing was bringing him back.  We mourn him, we miss every part of his being and always will. Joe is your son and always will be and your pain is with his loss.   You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.   Like I just posed to SIlky above----- A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

every grieving mother.jpg

 

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Thank you for your reply, and you are right, lots of what ifs. And its true, no matter what he died of, nothing will bring him back and I will love him unconditionally forever. 

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Tommy's mum

Silky it is good you found us but I also acknowledge that it is also really sad because you lost your child. The exhaustion is extremely common. firstly because you can't sleep or when you do you get nightmares, or you are afraid to sleep. secondly, crying and grieving is exhausting physically as well as mentally. I used to be in a complete daze not knowing what was going on or being able to hold any information in my brain, but  my brain was also too wired to sleep. That is because you have an enormous amount of very distressing thoughts to process and its overwhelming. The brain goes into overdrive asking questions, trying to retrieve memories of when you last saw or spoke to your child, having to plan funerals etc it is horrifying and that is all too much so you become numbed. that is your brain trying to cope and it is par for the course I'm afraid. After a while the fog clears and you are able to process a little at a time, clarifying in your mind facts and decisions as you very slowly realise your child is really gone. However just remember they are only gone from your sight, your son is still with you by your side and in your heart. He is not gone forever just for right now ok? So hold that in your heart.

Danng I hope that you do get some answers for your own peace of mind but we have all had questions especially "why" and"why my kid" ,and some you will get answers to and some you will not, and you will have to eventually accept that. We all lost our precious children through no fault of our own whether it was a traffic accident or fall, illness, murder or suicide. Eventually you come to realise that how they died is not really important, what is important is that they died. However I must add that in some cases laws were changed or road signs added or charges brought against guilty individuals etc, so sometimes there is a more positive outcome which is great if it happens. i guess initially we want someone or something to blame or to be angry with which is very normal. As time goes by the feelings and emotions change, you realise somethings are not important, or that it was wrong place wrong time, or you realise being angry is not helpful to your health and you settle down and go onto the next stage of grief. It is a very individual process some stages are missed or you go back to a stage which you thought you had dealt with. It is a desperately sad, emotionally and physically draining, life altering forever journey. but there will be an end to it although it takes many months. You have to endure the gut wrenching pain to come out whole in body mind and spirit and it takes great courage and being honest with yourself to do it. I get hating your new life it sucks totally and your life will be forever split into before and after. i am sorry you lost your son I lost my 24 year old son too. he was a former addict who did manage to get clean and that was even harder to accept for me because Tommy had beaten his demons and was doing so well and had a job, a place to live and a life that he was happy with. If your son did die because of drugs does it make it any worse or better? I don't think it matters how, but it matters that you lost him. but like I said to silky he is still with you by your side so don't lose hope ok? here we all understand what you guys are going through because we have been there, and we will encourage you to share when you can and feel you are not alone. You are not alone ok?

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