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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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hoosier guy,

I can definitely relate to the feeling of just not caring about myself or danger I put myself in. I try to be really conscious of that. I still take some risks now that I shouldn't, like putting myself in harms way for others. When Nathan was murdered, I made the choice not to drink at all because my mother is an alcoholic and I didn't want to fall into the pattern of escaping my emotions and feelings and using it as a crutch. I want to just go hang out at the bar, laughing and drinking and dancing with a devil may care attitude, but I know I feel that way so I just chose not to drink. It's a really tough spot to be in for sure, and you start to scare yourself a little because you find yourself in dangerous situations and you know you should care but there is this despair behind everything you do, so you just aren't paying as much attention to yourself as you should. I am very sorry for the loss of your son, there are days where I feel like I can't even see a future without my son in it.

 

janinedean,

The funeral for my son was a roller coaster for me, on one hand it was wonderful to see so many people show up and tell me all the positive things about my son, and on the other hand there were people whispering in the corners and passing judgements. It's important to take time for yourself and learn that it's okay for you to walk away for a moment.  It's okay to break down in tears and it's okay not to. It's okay to not greet everyone or talk to everyone. Make sure you have a close friend or family member who is strong for you that day to intercept anyone who makes you uncomfortable or talks about things you aren't comfortable with. That is actually a really important thing for anyone who has had a child that passes because there are always people who will say the wrong thing or go off on a tangent or story about how they "understand how you feel", and they don't. There might also be old relatives or old friends who show up (old girlfriends who will sob uncontrollably... you laugh but this happens) and that strong person can help move them along.

Make sure you eat, I made the mistake of not eating and nearly passed out.  I know it's hard but even if it's a nutritional shake (easier to keep down) it will help give you strength. I know it's hard to eat right now, I had a horrible time and lost 17 pounds in the three weeks after my son passed, and it took me a long time to get my stomach to tolerate food. Don't wear a watch, you don't want to be aware of how long you've actually been there. And if you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, make sure you give yourself space. Most funeral homes and churches have an out of the way spot for family members to regroup privately. Don't be afraid to ask for one.

It's going to be rough, and it's not going to go smoothly for anyone.  You expressed that you want to give him a good sendoff, but try not to pressure yourself that much, it's a whole messy deal and nothing will ever be perfect. Letting go of expectations is something I have definitely learned through all of this.  I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and hope that you can find some peace for yourself.

 

Tobyfreefoot,

Thank you for the kind words.  Everyone needs time to themselves and to process things here. It's hard to read some of the things because it stirs up things you've thought you had resolved within yourself but talking to others going through it is difficult. While none of our situations are exactly the same, we all know what it is like to lose a child and that is bound to bring up emotions and be a bit overwhelming at times.

I consider myself a survivor and a fighter. I find positive ways to channel my energy towards helping others, through exploring my passion and through my youngest son. I have taken up art (ceramics) and do a lot of volunteer work helping others. It helps balance me because I am constantly in court and have to face the murderer and listen to the hearings and address the issues constantly. I feel like if I fight back, and if I am there fighting the good fight, that's the best thing I can do for my son's memory. I'm learning to accept that I can only do my best every day and that some days I can do better than others and some days I can only do so much.  That's part of human nature and I feel like I can replace other peoples expectations of me by making a promise to them to try my best. It sure helps me forgive myself for the days that aren't so great.

 

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Devianz you are so brave. Losing your child is absolutely the worst thing in the world, burying them is soul destroying, but going to court and facing the murderer and having constant reminders and details being brought up again and again must be so tough. You are facing up to that evil person with courage and dignity and trying to get justice for your child, that takes a great deal of inner strength and I really hope for you that justice prevails. some people cannot get that justice and it breaks my heart for them because we all hope that the legal system in place will deliver. What it comes down to is not giving up until all avenues are explored because what we all love in an ideal world is for these events to never happen to someone else. I have emailed the university in Hawaii every six months and plan to continue to email them on Tommy's death date to remind them what happened because the windows of the dorm did not have safety locks on, and I will email until they come back to me and tell me these locks are in place. There is no more that I can do but at least I can rest knowing I did what I could, and remind them a very brave young man died on their campus and he is not forgotten.

Dianne Gretchen and Dee always wise words of encouragement hope and understanding thank you.

Jboasgrandma you have a lot going on even so long after your initial loss i hope you are able to feel better and are able to get back into work when you can. I too am on disability but am getting there slowly. I plan to volunteer at a local homeless shelter in a few weeks to build myself up to getting back to work in the future. It is still baby steps, and sometimes you have a blip that is a setback but then you refind your feet and keep on going.

There do seem to be quite a lot of newbies which makes me sad, each story touches my heart and makes me grateful for the support offered on this site. I have a lot more time than most to answer because i am not in work yet, and I am frequently inspired by the kindness of others in sharing their stories and how they cope. Each one of you is a brave warrior, battered but not beaten, and the time you set aside to help other people is very valued. thank you.

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Tommy's mum,

I certainly have days where I am not so brave, and I have awful nightmares and debilitating anxiety at times. I am lucky enough to have a job where I can work from home when I need to because some days I have every intention of going in... but never make it.  I do my regular routine, work-out, shower, smoothie, pack my things... and then my knees start shaking and my stomach gets super nauseous and I get serious panic attacks. Then I have to regroup myself and work from home. Work has been very patient with me, and I am blessed to work for a great company who allows family to come first.

I am not so sure it's bravery most days that I have to go to court.  I still have a lot of rage and indignation about the whole process. I think that's what drives me most, is that my son was murdered over a $60 debt. I have to look at the evidence, some of the crime scene photos... and yes, the images add to the nightmares.  There is video of the entire incident as well, but that's the one piece I will not watch. I am so angry about it all, and I don't trust the court system to do right by my son.  That's why I show up every day, so that the District Attorney, the judge, the clerks and the murderer all know my face, know that Nathan was my world, know that he was loved and cherished. I stand up for him because he can't and I am always there, in their face, angry as hell... gritting my teeth so tightly but hiding it behind words of grace and courage. I just want justice and I know it might not ever come, and I know it may disappoint me... but I'm waiting until it does and trying to keep up the fight as hard as I can muster. I can expect to be in court for 2-3 years, and hopefully my anger doesn't subside because it's really the most useful tool on days where my bravery meter is all tapped out and running on empty.

I am sorry about your son, and I do hope that you have some justice and peace of mind too in the end.  At least to know they changed something so it won't happen to anyone else's parent.  Much kindness and love to you and yours.

~M

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Yikes......I am so behind. :o  Will try to get caught up.

 

Wade-----So glad to see your post.   I think that it's not unusual for

us to think that we are 'ok' after awhile, only to have a setback, as

you mentioned.  As you said,  we are so hopeful that we can make progress

on this painful road.  It's the pattern of grief after losing a child.......several

steps forward, then some steps back.   So sorry for the recent death of

Brook's friend, and others.  These deaths are difficult to deal with when

grief is so raw & painful .  Thanks for the pic of the deer at Brooks' grave site.

 

Dianne-----So nice that you found the book and that it brought you so much

comfort & warmth,  remembering your dear son.

 

Georgina-----Thanks for posting that lovely song by the Dixie Chicks. I had

never heard it, and the words are so beautiful. 

 

Thanks to EVERYONE  for all the nice pics pics and posts.....I'm still reading.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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Hello to all INDIGOS.......

First...please excuse the first post....it keeps popping up in the reply field when I start to

type a new post, and can't seem to figure out how to get rid of it, (other than deleting it each

and every time) , so am posting it again,.....hoping that will fix the problem.:angry:   

 

Dianne-----those are such true words.  Others do seem to expect us to 'move

on'  much sooner than we are able.  Each grieving  parent must progress

at their own pace.....no right or wrong time scales.

 

Tommysmum-----My heart goes out to you in this heart-wrenching time.  We also

had to wait an extended time to have our son's funeral, due to the fact that motor

vehicle accidents in our state require an autopsy, and the local medical examiner

was not available, so our son's body had to be sent to the state capital to have

the procedure done.  The waiting was so sad and stressful.....as what you are going

through at this sorrowful time.   Sending Thoughts & prayers.

 

Leah------so glad to see your post, but sad to hear of your family troubles.  You have

been so very strong in all the years, but I pray that your health will improve.  Your

dear little JaBoa must be shining down all the time, to give you strength.  Please take

care of yourself, my BI friend.

 

Dee------such great weather we're having (though it does seem 'odd').  We have spring

flowers blooming by the sunroom.  67 degrees yesterday, and the warm streak is to

continue for the next few days.......then back to typical Feb. weather. Do you have the

same weather there?  On the plus side,....there are so many people out walking, biking,

and doing other activities.  I guess everyone just gets tired of winter and wants to get outside.:)

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

 

 

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devianz

thank you so much for your support and advice

im so glad i found the support of this website

my days are so up and down . i saw jake in his coffin for the first time today and that really hit me hard as it made me realise it was real

i know i have to survive for my daughter and husband and i know thats what jake would definitely want

i have started taking tablets from the doctor to help and i think they are taking the edge off a little .. i ve also joined a spiritualist church where im havng healing  - this keeps me calmer for a few days.

the funeral is a week tomorrow and i think im putting too much pressure on myself to get it right 

i realise i need to take it one day at a time rather than thinking too far in advance

 

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InHeavensKeeping

I just wanted to give a sad welcome to the new parents that have joined this forum. I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad that you found us though as the support you will receive is life saving.  'it was for me'. 

I'm still not very well at the moment just keep getting one thing after another and to top it all I've been told I might need surgery again   I'm so fed up with it.    

I haven't heard anything from the investigation that's running.  It's just so stressful, such a battle and just very unfair its enough to cope with this massive loss without having to fight for justice as well.  Sorry just so worn out from it all.  

I read the posts everyday you are all in my prayers and all our angels too. 

God Bless gxxx

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Devianz just do what you gotta do to get justice for your son then you can look back and know you did all you could. You are an amazing parent to show such spirit in fighting for your son who cannot stand up for himself i applaud you. If we are able to effect positive change in any way it is worth doing. it is dreadful that the court process is so delayed it means building yourself up each time and then coping afterward with the emotions. I am sorry you had to see crime photos etc and think you are very wise not to watch the footage, that is not going to be helpful to your recovery. There is footage of my son on the ledge talking his friend down and then falling and after long deliberation I also decided not to see it. I know everything that happened spoke to his friends the police and the ER doctor who tried to save him that is enough, I also have the coroner report and autopsy report which for me was helpful that is certainly NOT for everyone. you need to decide very carefully what you think will be helpful and what will be damaging to your mental health. We are all different and have different needs and coping strategies and that is ok.

Janinedean I hope seeing your jake was helpful. I had a complete panic attack at first and could not go in I was so afraid my mum came with me and was brilliantly supportive. It is such a shock it does become real and when I first saw his profile he looked like the little boy he used to be. Then I saw his unshaven chin and that he was my young man. We had not seen him since 2011 when we left the USA for the UK and he moved to Hawaii so it was exceptionally hard. I had desperately wanted to see him before but could not afford flights. His siblings also saw him at different times and said although it was incredibly scary and very painful it was a good thing. Everyone has to make their personal choice as to whether seeing their child/sibling will be right for them there is no wrong decision. I do think it makes it all real though otherwise we could have not accepted Tommy was dead. Medication can be very helpful and let's face it whatever helps just do it, you all have enough on your plate. As for the funeral do what feels right you won't be wrong because you knew and loved and raised your boy.

Ferrin we are all vulnerable and sometimes it can be too hard to put into words how you are feeling or be able to read other posts because you are too raw and in pain. It is totally ok we understand, just come back when you are feeling a bit stronger and allow us to help you if we can,ok?

Heavenskeeping sorry you are having such a rough time. I have had 5 surgeries in 6 months and I know how you feel it sucks.

dee here in the UK it has been really mild so much that I have frogspawn already in my pond and the other day saw a couple butterflies! My wild hedgehogs have not really hibernated and are eating up a storm. Spring seems to be here the days are getting longer and flowers are blooming hooray! It lifts my spirit a little.

To everyone else take care of yourselves and keep on going. I send good thoughts your way.

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Leah as always glad to see an old friend. I am sorry so much is still piled upon you. I am glad your granddaughter has come to you. As hard as that might be physically knowing she is safe is good and the "baby" being in a trusted place at least is reassuring. It is all so sad. I am sorry and hope your health improves. When you are gone for extended time I do wonder how things are going. Will be sending good vibes your way.

Dee yes I feel much better. Still have bad moments but they are moments not hours or days. I am able to refocus and carry on instead of completely melting down. At first it felt so different and like a betrayal. Like getting a grip on grief was somehow less love. But I know my baby wants me to live life to the fullest just as he did and know he loves me and I love him and all is well. I have to say I am more subdued and having to feel my way, especially since I am no longer working. Trying to get some kind of routine.

Ferrin I am glad to see you are still out there. Just reading can sometimes help a little. These early weeks are so unimaginable. You and your wife have been in my thoughts.

I am so sorry for those of you in the viewing/funeral process. I had to wait 3 days then my son's face was covered from his eyes down. I was warned not to touch his ear. I expected the worst but I leaned over to hug him I was filled with an overwhelming  rush of love and peace. I don't know if it was sheer relief of getting my baby back or his spirit helping me. That is what I felt it was. It was what got me through the rest of that week. I felt he was with me keeping me calm and feeling loved. It was weird and confusing but I couldn't figure out any other reason I felt like that. 

Things will probably not be perfect at the funerals because nothing ever is but the small details are not important. It is the love with which you are honoring your sons. The decision to not watch the videos seems like a good one. I was tempted to pull the cloth off forest's face. In straightening it I could tell there was a plaster cast under it. Also I did not request pictures of the accident on the advice of sherry. i think it was good advice. I Don't need any more fodder for my ptsd and crazy traumatized heart and brain. 

Ok my husband is having trouble leaving me alone to write . must go. Love to all

 

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Mermaid Tears

Leah....I do hope that as day by day goes by...you will be given a measure of healing....am so sorry to hear of family upheaval...but the children are safe...and that should bring you some comfort.

My heart goes out to the parents that are in the planning stages of funerals for their child...it is such a surreal act of love...do not try to reach a perfect ceremony...instead pace yourself and give yourself lots of care...take deep breaths and that way...your thoughts will be more clear. This is a time to delegate...let others do for you...shopping...running errands...if they ask what they can do...make a list of what you need and let them know. People do want to help...but don't know what to do...or what you need. Let family and friends support you.

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gretchen now you are no longer working you have more time as you said to refocus, refocus on healing your traumatised self. I understand that well, it has taken me 18 months to get to the start of the healing process and I am still pretty rocky. More emotional really. It is never a betrayal to start living life again, that is what our children want for us. You carry your son always in your heart and very soul and he is always with you by your side even if you cannot physically see him just now. Finding a purpose whatever it may be and learning to actively participate in living is pretty hard but it is worth it. We bereaved parents have so much to give. It shows on this forum, the care and concern for others, the little bits of advice, quotes and words from the heart from each member, and supporting the newbies who are at the start of their journey and need encouragement from the members who are at different stages. You are all so valuable, Mermaidtears, Dianne, Sherry Bob and Inheavenskeeping, and Jboas grandma. i read your words and feel comfort.

( I decided to sign my name at the end of my posts because it feels more personal, and less typing.)

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

Oh good grief, I do not know how to get rid of the header that pops up Everytime I try to post!!

I am so very sad today, as I got the news that Robyn, the dear young mom of the 13 year old twins s, that suffered the anurism, has died. I just really was hoping, after she survived the surgery and still in a coma after almost a week, that somehow she would beat the odds. I think that because my son, when struck by the SUV, also had subarachnoid bleeding, and I have always wondered if things had been handled differently, could he have been saved. I thought maybe, since Robyn got help quicker that just maybe her family wouldn't have to know this sudden and devastating type of loss, but they do. 

I will try to post later, cause right now I can't focus on much else.

 
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My thoughts to you All, those new, may you always know we are holding your hands as you find your way on this very bumpy and treacherous path. It will one day be a much smoother way, but it takes a lot of time, it is a process, just as all things in life that are worth our working through...a big process with many stages, not all of them linear. Be kind to yourselves, most important! Drink plenty of water to help replace the water you lose in tears and in worry. Try to get outside each day for a while, let the sound of outdoors becomes some of your background sounds. Listen to good music each day, it is the universal language and we can grieve and remember and do our chores in those beats and measures. Talk to your Child, I do believe that our Children can hear our voices, can feel our love, so send these on a regular basis...I think that it is healing and still talk to Erica and send her deep love each day, after more than 13 years following her death. Understand that while we all change in our grief and by our losses, many folks in our lives do not understand why we are not the same, and we are not the same. It is okay to say it, to let folks know it, and to say that you have no idea when it is you may feel like getting together if that is what you are feeling. It is okay to be honest with yourself and your family and friends...

To all, I am going to bed early, very tired. Sherry and All, yep, very warm here, 5 days in the 60's and 70's now, it is eerie but beautiful. The trees are budding and so pollen fills the air a lot earleir than I needed for my terrible allergies. Oh well.

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Becky, I did not see your post until this morning...I am so sorry for the loss of Robyn.,.her sudden leaving is going to leave her family and friends like you, in a whirl of emotions. You know just what it is that the family will be going through. I hope that while going through this new grief, you find ways to be very kind to YOU! I will send prayers and hope for her Children, for they will dearly need help through this sadness.

Gretchen, I am so glad to hear that you are finding better health all the way around, makes me smile. I know Forrest is grinning ear to ear, so proud of your new steps.

The high today is 75! What the hell is going on? I came in from a walk before school and it was already 55 outside. Nests are being built, geese and ducks are mating...goodness this is weird. Yes pretty, but weird.

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Becky I am so sorry you lost your friend and her little girls lost their mom at such a crucial time in life. It isn't an easy world is it?. I often wish I had been brought up Buddhist where you are taught life is suffering among other things. I would have been more prepared when it got so hard.

Dee We are breaking record highs. Our Carolina wrens that return to mud nests above my front door are already back. I love spring and summer and hate the dreary cold fall and winter but this does concern me a little. We had a couple record breaking cold days down to -4 but other than that not even frost. Very weird.  Flies at christmas lol. Not really funny as our bugs could be terrible. Planning to garden in hay bales. Easier for my back and arthritis, maybe will help with bugs? At least maybe scaling the bales will make them have to work for it. I am afraid the mosquitoes will be bad and west Nile is a threat (killed my uncle) and lord the grasshoppers and ticks when it is hot and dry THRIVE. As an organic gardener the grasshoppers can be devastating.  

Aw well it is a beautiful day and I am going to enjoy it.

Hugs to all and special thoughts to so many new people struggling to face the day. It will get better, for now just put one foot in front of the other as you get through the most heartrending days of your lives. Hang on come talk it helps. Love g

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...we know the dark days ahead for that family....we all know that empty spot of Mama will never be filled  We can pray that they have a strong circle of caring family and friends to support them.

I think as parents we all mull over different scenarios...the big 'IF'.....it is normal for us to let our imaginations stray over different outcomes. I have this movie that runs in the back of my mind...it plays the same scenes over and over....the main characters are 'woulda-shoulda-coulda'.....

Gretchen....when the shock suit does not fit tight anymore....and we are still standing in the ruins...and the light switch turns on....we see our family in a different light. We see that we..(parent)...should try to leave footprints on this earth home for them....let them have us set an example that tragedy can be survived. I also think there comes that fork in the road where the abnormal becomes normal. I miss the relationship I had with John David...and I know my boy would not have left me unless he had to.

Dianne....the changes that come are so subtle....but so deep.

Lesley.....I do believe that the thin layer of early healing comes when a grieving parent can reach out to a newly grieving parent. Nothing can prepare you for this kind of grief and dark and heavy pain....it takes one to understand one.

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Aw Susan I had forgotten I read that at one of forest's picnics. Breaks my heart still. Everything does if I let it. We really do soldier forth through every day.

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Becky that is sad news. My son also had subarachnoid haemorrhage as well as other injuries. As a former nurse i know that is a very peaceful way to go and also that had our sons survived, the devastation to their. body would have been immense and lifechanging  My son was very active so that was a blessing really, I know blessing seems a strange word to use but when you have taken a long time to go over and over things in your mind it gradually makes sense. The doctors would have done evreything they could have to save your son, I know because I have seen them crying when they have lost a patient, and especially when it is a child or young person.

Mermaid tears your words

2 hours ago, Mermaid Tears said:

We see that we..(parent)...should try to leave footprints on this earth home for them....let them have us set an example that tragedy can be survived.

 

How true that is I believe we have been left here because there is a plan ahead for all of us to fulfill, helping others with our own sad experiences, and the final goal is to reach a good place in our lifetime doing something to honour our children and not let that evil grief beat us. We are all stronger than we know. I love your quotes still have not figured out how to attach the jpegs so have to settle for my words which I hope are ok. I have plenty of time to be active on this forum because I am on disability and I hope I am not seen as taking over? I have a strong desire to offer comfort to others because of my own tragedy and to give back a little of the kindness that has been shown to me here. The newbies will all benefit from the care and compassion and understanding that is shown here every day and I try to encourage them to use this thread because we are all spread out otherwise and harder to keep up with.

Let us take the warmer weather and enjoy it, another season is approaching and the dark winter days will soon be gone, lightening our days and spirits.

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Mermaid Tears

Lesley.....on this site.....that really no one wants to be on....share as much as you can.....we have many that come here and read...and that is just fine...they may be so depleted in spirit...they simply are exhausted with grief....and need the compassion and care given on this site....to help them with another 24 hour day...as we know...sometimes we go minute by minute...day by day...

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Becky,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Those poor children, it's so rough on them. Many hugs.

Dianne,

It was a trying day for me. Long morning in court, only to find another scheduled for March 22nd.  And now the tentative trial start on September 11th of this year. A full year and two months after. I guess it's something but there are days where I wish there were no such thing as lawyers and the killers mom could talk him into pleading guilty like she wants him to.

It's days like this that remind me of the phrase: "God only gives use as much as he thinks we can handle... but I really wish he didn't trust me so much."

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So much for re-posting the pesky post from a good while back......it's STILL there.:angry:

When I try to reply with a new post, the old one is sitting right there, so I must 

erase it each time, I guess........a real pain.:wacko:

 

Dee-------Yes,  the weather pattern we've had recently......high 60's is very odd.  Our

trees are budding,  perennial flowers are coming up, and the willow has catkins on it.

Mother Nature is fooling everything into thinking it's SPRING.  The unseasonably warm

streak is bound to snap, and it'll be back to cold weather.   March might be a real lion.

 

Georgina-----I'm sorry that you are facing another surgery.  Grief and health problems together

is a very stressful and painful place to be in.   I'm hoping that some results, in your favor,

will be coming soon in the investigation of your dear son James'  death.   Wishing you peace, friend.

 

sherry

 

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Sherry, the weather has changed for today, but back up to warm tomorrow with a risk of bad storms...then possibly snow on Saturday but back into 40's and 50's next week. My allergies are very bad as are several kids in my classroom, too much tree pollen too early. Oh well, while it has been lovely to get outside so much, the facts are the facts, it is at least a month early. If budding trees get hit and stilted by frost now, the leaves will still form but there will be less of them which makes a difference down the road in the summer for nesting and for shade: as I always teach my students, YOU CAN'T HAVE AN ACTION WITHOUT A REACTION!

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mermaidtears thank you for that. I think those words "depleted in spirit " are so accurate. 

Dee the truth in your comment that "you cant have an action without a reaction" is amazing insight. how many times have I done something and had a minor meltdown because of painful memories or overexerted myself to feel I need to acheive something and then needed a sofa day to recover.

Devianz the wheels of justice turn so slowly I am sorry for that. Have you spoken to the killers mum or just heard her thoughts via your lawyer? if she wants him to plead guilty that just shows she understands their wrongdoing. How hard it is to be the parent who has lost a child but equally how hard it must be to accept your child is guilty of a horrendous act of violence against another human being. There are so many people on both sides who must be desperately sad. i just wish we could all live in peace and harmony and use words not violence. It breaks my heart that there is so much violence, selfishness, and anger in this world, when care and love and compassion are so much more effective.

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Mermaid Tears

Many times I have felt great empathy for that parent that has another kind of grief...when their child commits a murder. I read a story years ago...in the Houston papers of a Mother that turned her son in....now there is a combination of courage and heartbreak. It is such a normal reaction to protect your child.

I also have great empathy for the parents that are caught up in the slow wheels of Justice...for their child. Another combination of great courage and heartbreak. The mills of God turn slow...but they grind everlasting small. It takes a large amount of 'heart stamina' to walk that road....you do that for your child...and know that will be the last act of honor and love you can do for your child on this earth home. Also in a parent's heart is to try and right a wrong so another parent doesn't have to suffer your kind of grief.

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Susan, how is that Beautiful Grandgirl and her Son doing?

Leslie, indeed, no action without a reaction...which is a great teaching tool for my third graders in social studies, science, in social situations, and yes, in our ache of loss. I hope you never feel that you are posting too much, no such thing here, we love the many voices and hearts of everyone that joins us, yours is helping others and I hope in that, you feel a bit of healing. I remember so long ago, that the first time I reached out toward someone new on this site, I felt something mend deep deep inside. It was then that I learned that outreach, going both ways, was key to our lives going forward. Action/reaction again in play.

Leah Dear, so good to see your post the other day. JaBoa turning 21 did I read? Holy Cow, we have known each other for that long...my hope is that in finding yourself in the midst of family, that others pick up the call to work for the good of the Little Ones and that all of the work is not on you. I am glad that your little one is in the hands of someone who can raise him with the energy it takes, Lord knows, we don't have that physical or mental strength as we did as young parents. It is okay for you to have some down time if you can, time to find ways to be healthier and hopefully, happier.

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No such thing as monopolizing this forum! So many times when my heart was screaming in darkness I came here and wrote and wrote. No one complained. I got so much needed compassion and end the end made friends that have given me a boost when I faltered. reading when others are in the throes despair often either make me feel less alone or help me realize how far I have come and inspires me to lend a word that may help. It is a totally give and take place with love enough to cover all of us.

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Mermaid Tears

Our new little man is gaining weight...and just filled to the top with love...and this boy smiles more than any baby I have ever been around...Tay is an amazing little Mommie....so loving and happy....I think she changes his clothes 5 times a day....we received so many cute baby outfits. Heart full of gratitude.

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

Sorry about the header, still can't change it.
For those waiting for signs from your angels, they happen and are very real! Here is a link on FB that I just posted, hope you can access it.
 
I really believe that Jared wanted to comfort me, as he saw how upset I have been about Robyn's death. 
Thank you to all that have expressed concern for me and for her family. They are a closeknit family and I have no 
Doubt they will do whatever is necessary to help the twins through the loss of their mother.i can't even say those words without tears. I know their pain.
 
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21 hours ago, Mermaid Tears said:

Many times I have felt great empathy for that parent that has another kind of grief...when their child commits a murder. I read a story years ago...in the Houston papers of a Mother that turned her son in....now there is a combination of courage and heartbreak. It is such a normal reaction to protect your child.

I also have great empathy for the parents that are caught up in the slow wheels of Justice...for their child. Another combination of great courage and heartbreak. The mills of God turn slow...but they grind everlasting small. It takes a large amount of 'heart stamina' to walk that road....you do that for your child...and know that will be the last act of honor and love you can do for your child on this earth home. Also in a parent's heart is to try and right a wrong so another parent doesn't have to suffer your kind of grief.

It's difficult because she's flippant and inconsistent. She is one of those people who likes a lot of attention and needs a lot of drama and I'm not the one to give her either of those. I haven't spoken to her and actually have a no-contact order against their whole family due to some Facebook posts slighting my son and acting all hurt that their son/brother/cousin had to do it. It's all really ugly, and I actually deactivated my Facebook for exactly that reason.

She keeps sending her pastor to "talk to me" about sitting down with her and forgiving her because "she's really hurting." and I get it, but I also understand that she still gets to visit him on birthdays and holidays.  She gets to hear his voice on the phone. She gets to know that someday he might get out. I don't have that luxury. I am not angry with her, and I have empathy for her but I have just enough energy to keep myself and my family above water, I do not have time to comfort the mother of the man who murdered my son.

I actually had to take a no-contact order out against the pastor... it's the same guy who approached me AT the funeral and asked me to come outside and meet the mother to forgive her. And when I said no, the misogynistic jerk went to my husband to "talk some sense into your wife and guide her correctly" because apparently I am unable to make up my own mind and follow my own heart. He started coming by my house weekly and I had to finally contact the police. He ruined my son's funeral for me because I was so angry at the gall of the mother and the pastor I barely had time to grieve. It was a day to celebrate my son, not to focus on hers. It was an injury I don't wish to repeat.

I know that I will forgive her in time, for my own hearts sake but I am not there yet. Maybe after the trial and everything is said and done I will feel differently.

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Mermaid Tears

Devianz.....you were right in not talking to that Mother....how rude...disgusting ...that they would come to the funeral and she uses the pastor to talk to you. Well...please know....that these people are not 'right in the head'....and you were right in calling the police ...that pastor was harassing you...also the mother. What sickos. I read what some parents have to go through and deal with their grief and it breaks my heart. You are doing the right thing...keep on ignoring them. I avoid people that have a lot of drama in their lives....really...they have no drama....they make it up in the heads. It is an even harder grief journey when there are so many uphill court battles to face. We are here to hear you.

I was referring to parents that are NORMAL...and have to face/deal with the fact their child murdered someone's child. There are so many shades of sorrow...enough to pass around...we don't need to hoard it.

Kate....good to hear from you....you can give such an uplifting message to parents that are suffering...you let them know they can survive. Thank you for the kind words for our new little man.....

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Mermaidtears that gorgeous baby made me smile you are lucky to have such joy which helps to displace a little grief for you I hope.

Becky take care, when there is another loss another funeral it brings up a lot of "stuff" please look after yourself whilst caring for others.

Devianz I was just reflecting,that it must be difficult to be the parent of a murderer, by no means did I mean to imply that you should forgive that family.  No. No. Any one would probably feel exactly the way you do. How awful that you have felt so backed into a corner especially by someone who is from a church.  Forgiveness has to be earned and is something they may have to do without, It is your choice and yours alone, and  that family should never have tried to bully you. My children cannot forgive the friend who survived when they feel he was responsible for their brother's death, that is their own personal choice and I respect that. You are absolutely right you have more than enough to keep your head above water and how strong you are to continue to attend the court day in and day out to represent your innocent child. How shallow of the mother to think that spoken forgiveness is enough to absolve a terrible crime. Maybe she pushed you so hard in the hopes of lightening his sentence? I am appalled at her lack of sensitivity toward your family, she appears to be very selfish. How can the mother not get that she  has come out lucky? She will continue to see her son and you cannot for now, and I am so sorry for that., I wish it were different. I know none of us would wish this pain upon their worst enemy. Your strength, and  resolve just shine through from your words, a mama lion defending her cub. There is no greater love than a mother for their child/children and you are handling an incredibly traumatic time with  grace and courage. Keep on going, brave friend.

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Lesley and Mermaidtears,

I didn't think you were judging me at all, in fact it gave me the opportunity to really write down how I felt about it and share it so that maybe others would feel like it's normal to be resentful and angry about their situation and not be made to feel like you own them something.  You owe yourself care, and honoring your own feelings is so important through the grief process I think.  The one thing I am learning is to be unapologetic about the things I am feeling as long as I am expressing those feelings in a non-harmful way to myself or others.  I don't feel bad that I am not speaking to her or giving her my time, and I really don't feel bad that she feels bad. I get that she should but I don't have time to take care of her, and that's a trap I work hard to ignore because I have a very strong care-giving drive. I have always adapted to be what other need/want from me without thinking of myself but I have found out through all of this three really important things;

a. You need yourself as much as others need you, so take care of you so you can take care of others.
b. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you trust in the love others have for you and you deserve that.
c. People don't see you and your situation for who you really are and what you have done, they see you for who they are through the eyes of what they've done. Don't apologize for their perceptions and don't trust that they know you and your situation.

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Mermaid Tears

Devainz...I appreciate that you understood my words. I think anger is a catalyst in some situations. Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger can propel you to right a wrong...defend yourself or someone else. When anger is bad is when a person wants to hurt someone or themselves. I also have a definition of forgiveness that it will come or maybe it won't....that is between you...your spirit...your heart...your soul. I think you are right on...you are thinking good....you must have a solid foundation...I think you have a strong heart and spirit. We all know you have many down times...meltdowns...crying times...but you also have a lot of strength to carry forward. All of us applaud you.

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SUSAN, what a beautiful little Man you have in your lives. Taylor must be just joyous, that baby sure is. VETO, I want to hear you giggle.

Devianz, I don't know how you handled yourself so completely through the very narrcissistic behavior of the Mom and Pastor. Oh my goodness, I so admire your strength and grace in that situation. What did your Husband do when the pastor asked him to steer you to the right way? I too think that calling the police was good, it is not anyone's right to try to enforce their belief system on you...forgiveness may come and then again, it may not. I don't feel that forgiveness is the only way to peace. I have never forgiven my Father for his sins against me and the children he affected, but I am at peace with that decision. Forgiveness is as personal as your deepest heart, it can not be prescribed or expected. I feel for the Mom of that Boy who hurt your Son, but it was not right to invade that very devastating day in that way.

Kate have a lovely time at the celebration.

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne...how I love that....for that has got to be where we....as parents ...have to find where we are at times...wounded...still standing...so true.

and also.....you bring such an amazing message to all of us...thank you, Dianne...

Thanking each of you for the kind words for our new little man and his Mommie...

Dee....I do think when I am watching him and he smiles...I so expect to hear him giggle...for now...I will take his smiles...not knowing if they are coming from when he was in Heaven...or here with us....never know with these angels on earth....do we ?

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Yes Susan, I can almost hear him, that lovely sound that is emitted when they begin to giggle, they almost all sound like 'Snoopy' from Charlie Brown. He is precious.

Becky, I can't seem to see the amazing message as I do not have a FACEBOOK account so I can not sign into it...but I can gather the gloriousness of the event! How amazing that your Jared woke you with his music.

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

Dee, I have uploaded the video to YouTube, hope it works!

 

 
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Devianz I am glad you understood me, This is the safe place to pour out your heart to express fear, regret, anger, love anything you feel. Grief mixes up emotions so quickly it is hard to fathom. I know I experience several different emotions in a day and also think differently about the same subject. It can be very confusing but really it is your mind processing information. That is why nightmares happen it is your unconscious mind processing emotions or actions that the conscious mind cannot. We all have painful thoughts that we push away to keep on functioning but it is important to face them at a time when you feel strongest. I love your three things they are really accurate. As Mums and dads we are hardwired to fix things and be caregivers so it is hard for us to self care when really that is the most important thing to do. Also to realise that others do not see or experience grief in the way we do because we are all different people. I know my children have hurt me on occasion but I try to hear what they have to say and then do what feels right for myself. I know I can be crazy but losing my child turned my world upside down and my mind inside out. I want to talk about Tommy but i think they would rather not. My bereavement counselling ends next month which will be really hard, it is my safe place to vent and reflect and be able to say things I feel that I could not say to family because it would upset them. Sometimes it is hard to see how far we have come because time is so distorted. Some days drag others fly by it is weird. losing Tommy seems so recent and yet so long ago at the same time. Interacting with other parents here is comforting, also a safe place.

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Lora, how sad that you are leaving this site, and it shall never be as though you were never here, just as our world will never be as if our CHILDREN were never here. I feel your anger is very dramatic, and while you have made it very clear, if you came back to read at all after your call out on me, you would see that I apologized vigerously to the whole site for being political, even though being political is part of who I am. We are more than who we mourn, we are humans interacting in the world, and the everyday affects us and I have long believed that coming here to discuss what is on our hearts, minds, spirits is what kept so many of us, active members. We were free to speak our minds. I have since put away my politics which is like folding apiece of me up and silencing her. Sad to have to do that but did so to make sure I was not offending others but then what if someone comes here to say that they don't like the way I believe in heaven, or don't think it is right to call Erica my Angel, shall I roll that piece of me up as well? WE are humans all different and all able to share who we are here, and being so guarded as to not offend someones politics seems the opposite of our needs. I wish you well Lora, and I wish you'd stay and be a part of the group that you are, I for one will miss seeing Cara's beautiful smile and stories of your other Children and Family. Id' like to add,that many of our fights in court about our Child's death, including mine, is political in nature. I had to try to fight the railroads that essentially are owned by the federal government, and in Michigan, there is something called torte reform law, which prevents folks like me to sue entities like the railroads. The gun laws in many states allow those who should not have guns, to have them, hence some of the deaths on this site, the laws allowing criminals back on the streets after committing murder, is another reason some parents find themselves here, so like it or not, our lives and our losses are sometimes connected to politics.

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Mermaid Tears

I was raised in a very political...and complicated Texas family....I grew up with men and women discussing who would run for Sheriff...Land commissioner....Senator...Governor....Judges. A lot of money gave one a lot of power in any party. I could write a small novella on the subject. I am a complex mix. I have very liberal views..I have very conservative views/opinions. Many on this site will not be surprised that I absorbed them from my Grama. She was quite a force in her lifetime. I remember many years ago my beautiful and loving Mama would call me every day...back then to call long distance was still expensive...I mentioned one phone call that I was going to vote for Bush...she hung up on me and would not talk to me for 3 weeks. Yes..that Mama that adored every hair on my head. I can debate...the pros and cons....but one will never change a person's mind. There should be some respect for another's views but it seems lacking at this time in our America. My Grama was the one to tell me that I can have my opinion...but others may not want to hear it. Fair enough. Dee...I think your opinion/views was over the top for some on this site. Many sided with you. Many didn't. Many think our country has been headed in the wrong direction for many years. Many think it is not. Their call...their vote. I appreciate you apologizing. You have been a touchstone for me and all parents that come to this site. I do not believe that this should be a platform for political debate. The vote I cast...has nothing to do with my grief and John David.

Lora...I will always consider you a friend...who held my hand...on this grief journey.

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Becky, thank you for putting that lovely post together for me to view, it is gorgeous. The music from your Boy to You and the Family he will always be a part of. How ya feeling these days? Vision improving any?

Susan, I did not see many opposed nor, in agreement, to  what I said, it simply was a reaction to what was on the news and in our daily news. Unless I am remembering wrongly, there was little said after being scolded for my thoughts, little said after I apologized. I am kind of shocked that at this place of open-arms, that one should be quieted for her beliefs. Censored at Beyond Indigo? We many of us stood to tell Bob that while his beliefs about guns were different from our own, that his beliefs are welcome, that we wanted him to continue here with us,  but apparently, those feelings about our political world in Washington are not. Interesting to me when so much of what we all go through in our lives is due to the political system in our lives. Healthcare, Violence prevention, Rights for US Citizens, Rights for those coming ot our country...all hinges on the way our government works or does not work. I put my politics away as best I could but heck, if it is still cumbersome...well I don't what to say. I will not leave this place due to people feeling uncomfortable with what I have stated as my political beliefs, just as I would not expect anyone who has opposing religious or any other kinds of beliefs to not be able to discuss them here. It makes me sad to think that being honest about how I feel about the world at this point in time, can make you or anyone else feel that I was over the top. And just like I can not change the shape of this political landscape, I cannot change how you feel about my comments.

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Well said Dianne, and yes, I know that the conversations we sometimes have do not feel like the thing a newbie might feel is comforting or useful to their grief. I remember long long ago, we were trading recipes on this very site, and a newbie yelled at us for chit-chatting. But she later learned that our having been ahead of her on the road meant that we were not immersed in the daily horror of new grief, and eventually, she too brought her stories, her recipes even, and her life into our focus. She realized that reading  our stories of our lives and our beliefs she knew that one day, she too would  be able to find her life again. So yes, Dianne, no matter the opinion or the topic, it will change just as today changes to tomorrow. A pity really to feel that some items are now off the table for discussion, which tells me that respect for some depends on your alignment with their same core beliefs. I will walk on egg-shells a bit,  but I will not leave this place.

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