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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Ferrin (I believe you are the daddy) you are one day further down this road. At this point it feels no better than yesterday. One day as you look back on that first awful day you will know you feel a little bit better. Everyday is such a struggle at first. As Dee recommended keeping available ready to eat meals and snacks for you and your family is something you may want to request when friends ask what they can do for you. Self care is something you must force yourself to do. Being there for your other children is hard at this time. Keeping healthy at least you will be there in body as you work to try to be present for them emotionally. Your daughter that had the cold may be suffering from guilt also a thing that might be hard to deal with. As Kate said at this early stage there is little we can say but know we grieve for you and we are all wrapping you and your spouse in the tenderness of those who know. 

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Thanks everyone, I never knew the kind of loss you all have suffered til now. I feel so empty. And my wife and daughter are all I have left. We are all trying, but it's just so hard. I need all the support I can get right now. Especially from people who understand. It's a hurt that's unexplainable. 

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Diane-your amazing story of your son's knowledge and your husband's memories once again give me hope that there is far more to life than I was willing to entertain before. Science does tell me information is never lost and there is such a thing as entanglement of atoms and those facts are so crazy and to me supportive of spirit being nonlocal that I am buoyed up. When my excitement of my own experiences with the "angel lady" fades it is stories like yours that keep my head up and moving forward seeking joy.

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Ferrin,

I am so very sorry for your loss. We all remember that first day and are here for  you anytime.

Sandy

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Ferrin so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby/child is the most painful thing that will ever happen in your life and here all the parents understand how you are feeling and are rooting for you. The first few months are incredibly hard but there is also a cushioning effect from the shock, because no mind can absorb and process everything all at once. Each stage of the grief journey and there are several I am afraid, is painful and leaves you raw, but the end result is that you find some peace eventually and hopefully go on to be able to be able to live life again, being able to support others who are newer, and find a purpose, job or cause to celebrate your child. Allow yourselves time to grieve, no one gets a prize for being the strongest and in time can come back to bite you in the ass as there will still be unresolved feelings and emotions. Keep taking a deep breath and concentrate on one moment at a time one hour at a time. Accept help from family and friends, we all need support and a meal or shopping whatever is one less thing for you to try and focus on. just hug each other, losing Boo is so difficult to believe it seems like an awful nightmare, and one of you may be a liitle tiny bit more together than the others, and then it will be someone else who is a tiny bit more together, so you are all able to support each other at different times. Just because you are the dad and probably used to looking after everyone else in your little family, do not neglect yourself and your emotions because you are trying to be strong for everyone else. You have lost your little boy too, and grieving is an expression of all the love you had for him, the fear of how the future will be without him and the sadness of having his future cut so short and so abruptly. We understand your loss in a way that some other people do not because we have been where you are now, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, and come out the other side a lot stronger than we were.

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Today we went home for the first time, and we collected all of his favorite toys. We talked about all of the things he loved, and all the things we loved about him. We decided to keep his favorite things as keepsakes, and donate the rest to our local women's shelter. Although I think it will be awhile before we bring ourselves to part with it. Our daughter, has been a large comfort. She's so strong. She told us today that nothing could hurt him now, and she's only six. When she asked why Lex wanted to leave us, it let us focus on her. I think that helped. 

I just, am at a loss of words. Thank you for your kind words and support. How do I cope when it's quiet? When I have nothing to do but sit, and my mind wont leave me alone. 

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

 

Erica's Mom; Tears In Heaven, Mermaid Tears, and Jeff's Mom, thank you very much!!  She is just as beautiful inside as she is outside. Her spirit has always been humble. It was a great day.  I did very well on her graduation day.  She went to the graveside early that morning to talk to her Dad. He was always so proud of her.   I am so very thankful for this community of love.  You know I tried grief therapy but I am still not ready.  The couple of sessions I did have, the therapist asked me a question I couldn't answer at the time.  She asked if the actual day, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Tony's birthday was worst leading up to the day or the day its self.  The answer for me now is leading up to the day or the day afterward.  I do my best not to be sad on the occasion, but I found out it is not worth it, just cry when I feel the need.   I wonder why?  

Often I come into the community to read other people's post to see if anyone is stating they feel the same way.  Today, it has been one month since my father died.  What a 10-month ride this has been.  The closer it gets to Tony's angel anniversary, the more anxiety I feel.  My 'meltdown" was so bad last Friday, my family had to remove all Tony's picture and have me sedated. That was a 1st.  Very rarely do I even let my family see me cry. I have been the backbone for everyone else, that I fell to take care of my own mental health.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.  I wish you all peace.

 

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Ferrin, I am very sorry for the loss of your precious Boo!  Nothing prepares you for this type of pain as a parent.  You have come to right place to cry, vent or just to talk.  We all are here for you. 

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Cheryl, I do not feel you are rambling at all. You are simply telling how it is for you now, these days. In the months to come, the feel of the days will change, but that takes a lot of time, and time moves differently when grieving doesn't it? I think falling apart is what needed to happen, you needed everyone else to know that you can't always take care of everyone, that sometimes, you need tending after. As far as the lead up to the day of importance: most of us feel it is the lead up to that date...and I do believe it is the act of anxiety on us, the wonder of how will we handle the passage of time, the passing of a birthday or holiday that our Baby loved, or the anniversary of when they died...so very hard. We try to prepare for something we have no idea of, no frame of reference for, and so we spin our wheels in anxiety anticipating the DAY. The day usually passes in ways we are surprised by, but the lead-up is hellish. Be kind to yourself, you are a month out from that time, and so the anxiety is common now in this uncommon loss. Drink plenty of water, replenish your tears, squeeze some lime or lemmon into you water to give you some extra vitamin C, which is needed and depleted by grief...take care of the body so that the body can take care of you. Tony wants you to be as well as you can, I am sure, so take your time, be kind to yourself, and be as well as you can for now...which means you cry when it comes, you laugh when it comes, and you wander in your thoughts when you can.

 

Ferrin, your mind is not going to leave you alone for a while, it is bound to do the replay thing, and that silence...is so damn loud. The ticking of the clock is what I remember, and the drip of the bathtub faucet, I could hear them when sleep was impossible. I had to learn that time was no longer held what it did, it no longer was when I went ot bed, or when I ate dinner, it became an abstract that I just didn't manage well. If you can, try to keep some of your daily things going, the dinner time, bathtime for your Girl, that kind of thing, so that she can count on this part of life. There is a good book called; The Next Great Place, which is good for young ones and we old ones. It is the discussion of that Next Place we will live. There are many books to look for for your Girl, that will inevitably touch you too, about when a sibling dies. There is also a book for parents called: The Sad Book by Mike Rosen, who lost his Son to a similar illness as your Boo. His Son was a teen. Sometimes when we read others call to grief, we realize that there are footsteps that we can walk in from those ahead of us on this grief thing, and that can be a comfort to know that others walked here, and they found out how to live thier best lives in the face of their loss. This of course comes later, but for now, we are leaving our footprints to help you manage these first weeks and months. Being home is surreal after a loss like yours/ours. Write if you can in a journal to keep an account of your wonderings, your deep sadness, your hope.

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STEPHEN Sweet Man, sit upon your Momma's shoulders today and give her a strong sense of your spirit so that she can affirm your peaceful presence.

God Bless Stephen, you are loved Sweetie.

MaryAnn- I hope that there was a bit of magic on this hard date, a sense of Stephen and a sign of his love. Thank you for the candle for our Babies.

 

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Maryann thanks for sharing the valentine candle. I posted it on Forest's facebook page.

I noticed they have changed it from Forest Sharp to Remembering Forest Sharp. I don't like that. Maybe cause they are changing has page without his or my permission. Maybe because it reminds me he is dead and I post on it like he can see it. I guess they are in the real world but I like my world better and I wish they would stay out of it.

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Tobyfreefoot. I also post on my son's wall on Facebook sending him messages. They are for Tommy but also for his friends we use it as a communication between people who loved him. I find it comforting. Perhaps you could message FB and ask them to change it back explaining why? I am sure Forest can see your posts.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thinking of and praying for all. Just feeling so broken gxx

 

 

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Georgina-----thank you for the lovely song by Coldplay.  True words.

How are you doing these days?   I hope that you are doing a bit better.

Please take care of yourself.  Sending prayers.

 

Tommysmum........Such true words.....Thanks for posting the screenshot.

 

MaryAnn---Stevesmom----thank you for the beautiful  Valentine graphics.

Difficult days for all of us, but you brightened my day.   Peace to you.

 

Ferrin---------When a parent is so new to this journey, as you are......the

child who left this world too soon is constantly on the mind.  It's just a

phase that we must go through, I guess.  Your little daughter will be

a help to you on this road.  Children have a way of soothing the aching

heart.   Peace to you.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,........sherry

 

 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Sherry and Laurie...both of you lost a child baby and then and adult child...no one better than you can connect with losing that baby child...

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Crazy busy days, conference time with parents while teaching too. I will catch up, but thanks Georgina for the Cold Play, I love their music. I sure wish you were feeling a bit better but it will happen. How are your eyes? What are the doctors saying?

Becky, how are your eyes? I hope that there is some healing going on.

To All, I think of you all and say thank you to the heavens for your friendship.

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JD's Mom, Becky
On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

Still stuck with this header I see...
Don't know what that is all about, but just wanted to check in and let you know I have tried to keep up here, but my eyes are no better yet, and it's a blurry struggle. 
 
I want to share this link for support if a family close to me that is really going through it right now. The mom, Robyn, went on a trip with her two teenage daughters to Las Vegas

 

For a competition in

 gymnastics and when they prepared to leave for the airport to come home Robyn begin to experience pain in her neck and head and thank God her mother made the trip with them and was able to call EMS, but but by the time they responded she had had a stroke from an aneurysm that they say had been there since birth and she had no knowledge of. She is now on life support and it's too soon to know how much brain damage may have been done. Her twin daughters are only 13 years old. They had to say goodbye to their unconscious mom to return home to the Eastern Shore along with their grandmother. Robyn's husband and brother-in-law are there by her side praying for a miracle.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10202779878695465&id=1755288865 

I would appreciate your prayers.

Thank you Gretchen for those positive vibes I wanted to tell you that they did the same thing on Jared's Facebook page they created a memorial. The one good thing about that is that his page can't be accessed by someone Googling it as it is now closed for comments exedra only accessible to the friends that were already there. I didn't like it either and wrote them because I wanted to change some of the pictures but they would not allow me to change anything, not even after sending them a copy of the death certificate. What a world!IMG_20170216_123406.jpg I'm standing on the promises.

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Oh Becky what a tragic situation. My heart goes out to the family. Sending positive vibes.

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My first born son Nathan was murdered this last July, three weeks short of his 21st birthday.

It's been seven months. Seven months since I touched his face, seven months since I heard him laugh, seven months of adjusting and readjusting and then doing it again because comfortable is not a place I can find anymore. I barely sleep anymore, and when I do drift off to sleep it is often cut short by nightmares and flashbacks. They give me sleeping pills to help, but I don't take them because I don't want to get locked into those nightmares.  I want to wake up and stop them. I need to wake up.

There are times during the day where I feel like I am still asleep and it's not real. That it's just a nightmare and I can wake up.  The thoughts are fleeting but I feel detached from what is real sometimes and it really disturbs me. I don't know if that's normal or not, but I just have to keep going.  I'm the sole breadwinner in my family, and my husband and youngest son need me to keep going. Some days I feel like a fraud, like I'm not doing the best I can... it feels all wrong.

I get wrapped in guilt sometimes too. What could I have done differently? Did I raise him right? Did I teach him the right things? Did I do my best? If I had, he'd still be here... right?

The sorrow is deep. I keep a lot from my husband because he's a pretty sensitive guy who can't really handle a lot. Even though he was a step-parent, he raised my son alongside me since my son was just 4 years old.  It's rocked his world too, but I haven't had time to grieve. I wrote the obituary, I planned the funeral, I did the viewing, I deal with the court dates and the paperwork. There is no one else to do that without shattering.  It's not a choice, it's what needs to be done.  That's me, the strong one who gets everything done. It feels like a juggling act, but I'm standing on a pyramid of emotions that are fragile and wobbly beneath me and I feel like I could fall at any moment.  I desperately want to let go and just fall... let all those things fall where they may and let someone else clean them up. But that's not me. I can't do that.

I miss him so much. He was such a loving heart.

I want to think that I can just keep doing this, but I don't know if I have that superpower.  My one superpower was being a Mom, and I feel like I already failed at that once.

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Hey Midwest Mom, Devianz, juggling is what we do, especially the first year or two after such a devastating loss, such a heart wrenching event. We know, we get it, and I am so sorry that you are faced with it all. I am here 13.5 years after my Girl was killed at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan...train on car, to tell you that somehow, you make it...that one day it will not feel like it does now, that your super power is actually showing, you are a mom that each day faces the loss of your beloved Child, that is one brave act, day after day. That my dear, earns you a cape, all of us have them, because a parent who can live one day without their Child, is a very brave person. We live because we still are here, we live because our Children need us to live our best lives and shine their light where they no longer can, and we live because there are those other people in our lives that need us. Yep, it sometimes seemed a good idea to let go of it all and drop off the cliff, see who could come and take care of everything I take care of...only I don't want someone else to have a say so in my daily life, I still want that, and so I go on, you will go on. Breathe, drink a lot of water, breathe, and repeat. I did not sleep well that first year, it was hard to stay asleep, and yet I was so tired and wanted to sleep.

My Girl urges me on, little signs and thoughts are ways that she shows up in this world and lets me/us know that she is near,she loves us as we love her: always.

You hang on and keep coming here and read and write when you like, we are here.

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Becky, I am sorry that your friend is in such serious condition...what a sadness and prayers for she and her family going out.

I am sorry to see that your vision is still compromised. I am sending prayers for your eyes to HEAL.

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hi i lost my son 3/2/17 .i am absolutely distraught , it was a sudden death and they have found no cause .he was 20 years old. i dont want to live anymore but i have a 21yr old daughter and husband . please tell me these feelings get better and that eventually i will want to live again 

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Hi Janine,

I am so sorry for your loss, my son was also 20 when he passed. Those first few weeks are so hard, you go through cycles of deep sorrow and anguish, anger, questioning, and periods of unreality where nothing feels real.  It's hard to process and there were times that I couldn't bear living either. You feel so all alone all of the sudden, despite your husband and daughter being right there, because you are all a little lost but also don't want to burden each other with your sorrow.  It's a very thin tightrope, but what I can tell you is that you should talk to someone, your husband, a bereavement counselor, a very close friend, and tell them that you are having thoughts of suicide. I have found that sharing that with people opened my vulnerability up to others so that they could help me through it all. It all feels so surreal, and you start to become detached from everything.

Your daughter will need you, she will have problems processing through the grief as well. She will feel differently than you, but it doesn't mean her sorrow is not as deep nor will the pain be constant. My youngest son was 15 when his older brother passed, and he's gone through some periods of deep depression, rage, loss and sorrow. He's not much of a talker, so I have to keep an eye on him. But now he talks a little about missing playing guitar with his brother, and building lego.

It's an unimaginable pain to lose a son so early in life and so suddenly and without explanation. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and each day is a struggle to figure out what I am supposed to do. It gets a little easier to make it through the day, but the sorrow never goes away, and there are triggers all around you that will make you cry.  it's okay to cry that out, it's okay to be angry about the situation. It does get better, one minute, then one hour and then one day at a time.

Sending much love to you and your family, Janine.

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Dianne and Dee,

Thank you so much for the kind loving words. It means a lot to know that I am not alone and that some of the feelings I am having are perfectly normal.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I am sorry for my short response, but I do really appreciate that you both took time to read and reply to my post.

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Look at you Devianz, helping another newbie here on your first day with us...I think that your advice and words will resonate with Janine as you are just in front of her in this new-world, just like all of us here, even me and Sherry, just a month apart nearly 14 years ago, but one helping the other up, you are doing that now. And one day Janine, you will also do that. I am so so sorry for your deep pain and loss. Hang on with both hands and we will carry you whenever you need, we have your heartache in our prayers already.

 

Peace one day

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Mermaid Tears

have been so busy....have tried to read....but...I 'think' we have two 'new' parents on the site....none of us are professional counselors or therapists...we are just parents that has lost a child...some parents on this site has lost 2....I can't wrap my thoughts around that. We are here to hear you. Many on this site have been on this grief journey for many years...I call them 'spirit guides'....they are farther along the path and they wave to us...to let us know we can survive this journey. I attribute my sanity...what sanity I have....to them....we lost our beautiful beloved boy in 2012...he was the oldest son....he was 42. This kind of grief is very heavy and dark...at times I felt like I could not breathe...it was as if I had to come up for air. I also 'cocooned'....I cancelled all social and civic obligations...that was the best decision I made for myself....this kind of grief is so exhausting...and more so if you have to 'act normal'....this is not a time to be stoic....bend to the grief and cry all you want...this is the time for tears. I am better....but I am not the same. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself...your family and friends and your other children. We call it 'self care'....you will ask 'why' with every breath....and as Dee says...you will ask 'how'.....how to go on. There is no pat answer to any question a grieving parent can ask. Hang on to faith with both hands.

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Devianz  and janinedean I am so sorry for your losses.. It is still pretty new for you, I am 18 months on and have only returned to actually living last month. I had a massive mental breakdown and was very ill for months, not being able to leave my house, nightmares, massive anxiety, etc it took forever to come back to life but it is worth the wait.Then I broke my ankle very badly last may, had 5 surgeries and was totally dependant on others for months it set me back in my recovery. There is light at the end of every tunnel, you just have to grope your way through each day in the darkness, taking it slowly and you will come out the other side I promise. It is just sheer hell going through the process. I live on my own so had noone available to me at the early hours of the morning except my cat! My parents and siblings are wonderful and so supportive but you do have to make your own way. my computer and tv were there for me when I could not speak my thoughts or as a distraction to existing. In your situation you did nothing wrong you are not being punished **** just happens to good people and tragically good people are taken before their time. my son was killed trying to save his friend from committing suicide by jumping off a very high dorm room building at night. Tommy actually talked him down and they were coming back through the window when it shattered and they both fell to the ground. His friend although critically injured did survive but my Tommy arrested in the ambulance and despite frantic efforts died in the ER shortly afterwards. To combat my nightmares I obtained his autopsy and police reports and read them through, It was one of the hardest things i ever did but for me it was better than my imagination. I would list his imjuries in my head and tell myself there was no way he could have been saved because of those injuries and that he would not have known much about what was happening as your body floods with adrenaline and then the body shuts down. i could not have been there it was no one's fault it just happened. by facing those nightmares head on I beat them. It was not easy at all but I did it and my mind eased. The questions why? why my child? and what could I have done? and all those other questions are hard. Some cannot be answered. janinedean in your case it sounds like sudden adult death syndrome which just happens without warning.It is like an adult cot death. No one could have done anything it could not have been prevented. just be kind to yourself, try and rest, talk, cry, mourn, accept health and stop trying to take blame upon yourselves. You were both good loving parents who got a very very bad deal in life. As parents we take on too much of other stuff, try to fix things and make things better and in cases where we have suffered a loss we cannot fix it we have to cope as best we can until we gradually get stronger and more together. We now have to find a new normal, there will always be life before and life after we cannot change that, but we can determine our future by facing what has happened to our families, dealing with whatever comes up, and getting up every new day. Time heals that is true to a point, but you never stop missing your child or loving them, you just learn a new normal and try to honour them by getting through and finding eventually some peace and reason for living your life again. be kind to yourselves and know you are not alone, here you are among friends who absolutely "get it" and will support you every step of the way ok?

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Still have not been able to figure out how to post pictures and quotes. i saved them as jpegs in a folder but have not been able to attach them with the paperclip icon. I will keep trying or get one of my kids to help me on the phone because pictures paint a thousand words and I love the ones you post, they are really helpful, inspiring, thought provoking or healing. thanks

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hoosier guy welcome back! Your feelings about not caring about your safety are very normal. I think most of us have experienced that "whatever, so what if" kind of mood because the worst has already happened to us when we lost our child, and because we are grieving we do not consider ourselves as important in the scheme of things. However you are still very important to other people in your life remember that. just because you sometimes dont care about yourself (been there many times myself) does not mean you are not loved and valued and needed. You may be mentally battered and bruised, weary and sad but You are loved, needed and valued.

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Bob I recently tipped a bobcat up on its side in a mudhole out in the woods while blazing a trail. It was getting dark. After trying for awhile to get it out digging in deeper I got off and hung on it trying to get it down! I actually was just desperate and not thinking lol but I have been in that darkness where it didn't matter. Not moving on suicide but not caring either. I am generally past that but remember it all too well. Hoping everyone is able to get to the other side safely. There truly is a safer place than the one you're in. One you can live in and avoid danger because you want to live. It took me a long time. It seems longer than many on this site but my lack of spirituality probably contributed to my devastation. I know most people have some sort of faith, something to hold on too. I had nothing. After being hospitalized and put on an assortment of medication I felt much better. More willing to live. Then I had an encounter with a psychic that stunned me into changing the way I look at the world. I still have bad moments and run like a coward from some triggers but all in all pushing closer to 6 years I am able to live again.

Speaking of running apologies to those brand new here. I feel unable to reach out to you just yet as the pain and rawness of more than one new person at a time sucked me under and I couldn't go there but sending you love. Know this is a place of much comfort when the worst of it is upon you. I have been there and have survived and you will become a remarkable human that survives it also while forever having your loved one with you. It is a long hard learning curve but we will be here with you.

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Okay...step away from the bobcats...I sure do get what you are talking about, that sense of who-cares-anyway!!!What the hell is the difference!? That lack of concern for oneself after we lose a precious child-I am glad that everyone found ways to be as okay as you can be. Nothing easy about it!

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thank you all for your kind words . it helps to see eventually you can start to heal alittle . at present i cant see a way out  . I feel so heartbroken . the funeral isnt until the 28th feb and i feel very anxious about it . the undertaker says that it will hit me the most after the funeral  but im  not sure it is possible to feel more devastated and in pain than i feel now. I really want to give jake a good send off but dont know how i will cope. 

cant bear the thought of living like this for the rest of my life . 

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Mermaid Tears

I do believe all parents can relate to having that 'whatever' kind of living in limbo....it is as if you are between two worlds....one foot in one world...(before)...the other foot in another world..(after)....I remember it was like if there was a dead cat in the living room....I would have said..'I'll drag it out tomorrow"....your responses are all in the 'shock suit' that fits so tight...

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janinedean I also had a wait for my son's funeral as he had to be flown back from Hawaii and there were coroners reports to be done on each side. The waiting was really hard but it also gave us time to plan his funeral. His siblings and I worked it all out then my ex butted in at the last moment and wanted changes so had to do it again. One of my daughters refused to engage at all so I still ran everything past her anyway and just asked for an approval nod or not. just think what your son liked, what age he was etc. Do what you feel is right. Its a good idea to have someone in place to take over your eulogy or readings etc as it is a very emotional day. It is a very hard day to plan for but at least once its over you can regroup a little and have somewhere to visit. just keep taking it one day at a time, it is baby steps all the way and dealing with one decision at a time. take care

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Dianne no truer words!! Everyone has expectations. Even I had to learn not to expect myself to be better at a certain time. It is so hard to imagine someone could feel such pain until it happens to you.

To those new here I have shored myself up. I don't know your names or your children's but do know we have had a few new people join us. Wanted to open my arms and heart to you. I would like to hear about your children when you feel you can share that. These early days are so painful, so unreal, so unbelievable and I am sorry for your terrible grief. We are what my therapist calls survivors of child death since there is no word for our status. The key word though is survivor. I have survived. I can not say I am glad about it but I can tell you I never never would have guessed I could get to this this state of wellbeing. I no longer hate waking up nor sleep at every opportunity. I make plans for things other than necessities and one day you will too. Hold on tight. You will make it and we are here.

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Dianne, I agree with Gretchen, such truth in those words...I also love the Tim Lawrence that Susan posted about grief not being a disease.

Gretchen, I am glad to see you feel secure in your life.

Bob it is good to see you here sharing your take on grief. You are just steps ahead of our newest folks and I am sure that your experiences will shed some light for them.

Kate, Sherry, Laurie, Colleen, Lora, Georgina, Shannon, Becky, hope you all are well.

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I have meant to write sooner.  I do stop in to read and see so many new parents with their hearts broken.  Indeed you have come to the right place.. as even though I am not here very often I have received a lot of care and comfort here.

Today JaBoa would have been 21.  She has been gone longer now than the time I was blessed to be her grandma here on earth.   I still miss her as much as day one.  It is so strange.. my great grand son talks about her all the time and insists that we are having his party with hers.  He turns 4 on the 22.  Everybody says they do not talk to him about her, but he swears he knows her and that we can't see her, but she tells him things all the time.  I am not sure what I believe, but some of the stuff has been so right on he tells us.. I can't argue with him.. all I can say is innocence is great...  and I am not going to question the wonders of the world.

My life has gone through constant change..   and once again I am at the crossroads of JaBoa's mom being busted for Methamphetamine ..    all I can say is this time.. my heart is truly broken.  I have not contacted her.   I went at once to get her daughter Sena who called me crying that she was alone and her mother was in jail.  I wasn't gong to take the chance that she become a ward of the courts.  I contacted her father ..got permission and took her home with me where she belongs.  It will be hard, but I had to.  My grandson though is still to young for me to give him proper care.  He was with past foster parents.  They took him a lot for my daughter..  a strange relationship.  I loved him  enough to let him be.. I can't care for him .. just not healthy enough.    I don't know what the future will bring.

I am on disability right now, unable to work.. I want so badly to work again.  I keep hoping something goes right and my health improves.  I have lost some weight.. the dr. told me I better if I want to live.  I really do want to live so I will do whatever I need.  My marriage hopefully will be dissolved by next month.. we make better friends than married.  I still get to see my son whenever I want.. so that makes life good.

I don't remember who I was at the time of the accident, but I think I have become a better person.  I want my granddaughter to be proud of me.. I know that there are people all around me that have things worse and I have had to learn that...   My goal in life is stop complaining. 

It is good to keep in contact here.  Dee, Sherry, Kate, Susan, Gretchen.. so many more..  my memory is really become worse, Since being sick it has been one of the worst side effects of all things.  Sometimes when I forget something somebody says.. I wake up a couple days later. thinking Oh.. right...  that is correct...  and I am happy that I finally remembered even if it is a late remembering.

Not sure I make sense to anybody..  I just wanted to tell you I am still around.. quiet..  thinking of each of you and sending prayers..  crying.. laughing..   hoping that everybody find their footing in this world, its not easy.. but this site does make it a little easier to get through it.

 

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