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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Thinking of everyone as we begin yet another New Year. My goodness how can it be possible that another year has passed? We have had a quiet yet very lovely and peaceful few days. Our son and his family spent the holidays skiing in the mountains and so we were alone. At first we dreaded the thought of the idea. I have to say that it was probably the best Christmas we have spent since Jeff died. We are now at peace and just content to let it be. We kept busy with many different activities and also a lot of snow shoveling. <_< A two foot snow drift presented itself on Boxing Day on our deck. It was just crazy. Anyway, the skiers and snowmobile enthusiasts are beyond delighted. We have enjoyed several long walks, watched the entire Netflix series of The Crown and a few seasonal specials. Not much else happening here. I think of you all daily and hope that slowly your sadness will lift. Love to all, Kate

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Bob, that one sentence would be such a beautiful thing to let him know..." been thinking about my oldest son a little bit today . ive loved him since he was a newborn who fit snugly in only one of my hands . ( big hands , lol ) 

 -- The words you wrote are from the heart...

 ... we never know when that last time might be...I saw my son on a Sunday night and basically felt "prompted" to tell him how proud we were to be his parents, how much we loved him as we held him as a small baby, that Wednesday he was killed by some dumbs**t. I remember exactly where I was standing, how he walked out of his house...the total scene of that moment is forever etched in my mind and soul...

Looking back, I know that conversation was prompted by the Universe...or greater truths...

Dianne, thanks for asking...I have just been quietly reading along...

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tobyfreefoot

Well my long post went to that mysterious hole so never mind

Thank you to those of you who shared your faith and thoughts.

Kate I'm glad you had a peaceful holiday. I will always treasure your story about the lady in the restaurant because when I heard that from YOU i began to have hope. When I left the hospital I believed I would learn to live again but when I had my own experience with words I believed to be from the other side my entire paradigm shifted. Thank you for sharing that story. It has given me something to hang onto these past difficult years

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Thanks Gretchen, I have much to be grateful for. I hope that it did help to give you comfort and hope.

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Altering

 

I must shift the load I carry,

I will one day hold it like a jewel,

the jewel of my Child,

he/she isn't heavy,

but the missing is.

 

Nothing would ever feel so cumbersome.

I will feel the load shift when I hold it differently,

when I learn to allow my memory to carve a cradle in which to rock,

and when I teach my heart to beat to the sound of my love again,

and when I realize that the wind on my face, the moon in the sky are gifts from heaven,

and when I see that the seasons changing are still a miraculous event,

and when I hear my Dear Child whisper to me in my dreams,

 that all is well,

then that load will shift and I will wear her/him like the jewel that they will always be.

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Laurie, what great insight you have with your suggestion to Bob. A lovely thought attached to your own story, we need to mark our time here with our truest feelings, making sure that those we love so very much, know it. Indeed.

 

No Woman, no cry is playing, a song we sang at Erica's funeral. I am trying to clean my office, two days now, sidetracked by my own inability to finish anything!  Along the way I stumble through probably 500 photos which of course I had to look at and weep and remember and wonder how long that they had been laying in a heap. I am making progress, so this is good. Three garbage bags later.

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Georgina------Thank you for posting that lovely poem.  It's true.......marking

the new year is, and probably always will be,  different.   Peace to you.

 

Dee----Love the poem "Altering".  Such true words, expressed so eloquently.

It's in the 40's now around here, but we are to get much cooler temps by the end

to the week.

 

Kate-----Good to see your post. Your snow drifts must be lovely to look at, and a joy

to your son and family with their winter activities.  You stated that you have had a

peaceful Christmas, and that at this point, you are content to just 'let it be'.

 I feel the same as you.......we will always remember and miss our angels,

but are grateful when we can gain some peace.  

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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I lost my Son almost 9 years ago now, so this makes the 8th Christmas and New Year without him. I had an ok Christmas but New Years Eve I crashed. I have realized a plan B is something I need to plan for in the future.  He was always the first one I called with a Happy New Year Blessing. Most days I am alive, most days I can function at a normal level, finally got off the meds that made me unable. Holidays are the worst. Not helping the situation was being alone. I'm glad I found this forum... Your comments hit home with me I feel like I belong. I am new to this so be patient with me but I am willing to share my journey and will be interested in yours as well.

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Anything 4 U, I know that at 13.5 years after losing my Daughter, that grief is ongoing, a piece of us. If holidays throw you, perhaps that Plan B is something we can help you with. Often times, starting something new at holiday time can help turn it around some. Please do tell us about you and about your Son. We are a big and supportive group, so please feel free to post as often as you can and care to, we will respond.

Sherry, thanks, I do feel that we learn to carry our Sweethearts, in new ways, sewn into our fabric, no longer as hard to carry, just part of our everyday. Yes, warmer and foggy tomorrow and then by tomorrow evening, cold cold coming. This up and down is a drag...oh well, I have been so lucky to have this time off. Is your Daughter still enjoying her winter break or has she gone back?

 

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Bob, I think that  you are practicing what you taught, it takes many lessons and a lot of time and energy to get back up from this kind of grief, you are doing it, but we have nothing quite to measure it next to...my best advice to you and to all new to this or all who feel they should up their game; what would you expect from a friend experiencing the same kind of loss? Think about what you might tell them, then take that advice.

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InHeavensKeeping

I thought I would share song some of the words expressed my feelings and despair and it fells like that life was

"a million years ago" and I want it back and all it would bring. James xx

Dee love the poem 'Altering' so clever Dee to be able to write like this xx

Thank you Sherry and Diane and Kate  

Welcome Anything4u you've found a very special place xx 

Hoosier guy I so agree New Year' the future 'what was to be 'fireworks' laughter' happiness' parties'  celebrations "right in you face" day after day so tough X 

 

 

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tobyfreefoot

Good advice Dee. Your poem altering was beautiful. We all are at different stages of it but all altering.

Bobby and i were watching doc martin. his wife gave birth and I reached out and grabbed bobby's hand bursting into tears (totally not like me) and said I'm sorry we didn't get to have a child together but we got to have one die together. I was just sobbing. I told bobby what I needed was for him to hold me (we just discovered he is autistic, explaining the horrible doll in the car incident and his lack of friends or understanding of my grief) so he did and it was the most healing moment for our somewhat frayed marriage as I suddenly understood him and he was able to do what I needed. All along he declares love for me but he has no idea what to do about anything much involving intense emotions. Being told what to do, he totally brought it. Knowing he is autistic makes everything clear and gives me some keys to unlock the sweet heart he has inside. A wonderful way for me to start the new year.

Anything4you-I'm glad you have joined us. I am 5 and a half years in today. It has been a long long journey but after a hospital stay, a lot of on going meds, neurotherapy and spirit messages I am finally glad to still be on it. I hope I will never return to those dark moments of wanting to step off the path. Anyway greetings. Tell us more about your son.

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Holy Crap Gretchen! Oh my goodness, to find out that Bobby is on th espectrum is amazing, how did you find out? Wow, wow, what a difference in his life this can make, and already has...now you can direct him and he can learn from you and you can understand what does not come naturally to him...wow. Glad you liked the poem. we are after all, altered.

Holy Crap Bob! It's a holy crap night. I never knew that you had pain in your ribs and I am so glad that you went to the doctor and that your doctor was able to so quickly see it. Wow, fungal from the trees that you cut down? What kind of trees? Glad that your psych wants to help out, i hope that she/he can.

Georgina, great music. I know you want it the way life used to be, I know. Holding hour hands. Glad you like the poem.

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Hi to INDIGOS.....

Not much to say today....rather a quiet day for me.

 

Dee----Becky went back to her teaching K , on Jan. 3.  She did have 

a nice holiday break.:)  Has your school gone back after the Christmas vacation?

 

Georgina-----thank you for the nice song by Adele. Sending thoughts & prayers.

 

Bob-----Sorry to hear of your medical problems.......glad that you have

found out what the cause was.....(who would have guessed trees?!)   Hope

the treatment that the docs prescribed will fix the problem.

 

Peace     to   all.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Happy New Year......and all new parents that has found this site...I pray that in the year ahead...you will come to many 'firsts'....first birthday...first Easter...first summer...of your child not on this earth home. You will be wearing the 'shock suit' that fits very tight in the first couple of years. Those dates will hit very hard. Please let yourself bend into the grief...be kind and gentle to yourself....and know you do not walk this grief journey alone.

 Anything4you.....(love that name)....I am entering my 5th year on the grief journey....I find myself getting blindsided at times....thinking I have found a way to balance myself...thinking I have a little more control over the meltdowns...sometimes it feels like I am swooshing down a sinkhole without any warning. I think it is quite normal to allow ourselves a cry party...let those tears wash all the tiny and big memories that get tangled up in our day to day lives...and we simply have to let it all out. I have good days, better days, bad days and worse days. After I have a very bad day...and a good cry...or many...I find I feel somewhat spent...but more peaceful. It is a natural body release from the stress and grief.

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Sorry I had computer issues and could not log on for a while. I wish you all a peaceful New Year. Not a happy new year although I would wish happiness too it is just such a difficult time for all of us grieving families. I made it through like most of you, didnt have the heart to decorate my kids did it and the tree was left bare which felt right. This second xmas was even harder i guess because I am more aware this year less medication and no numbing shock. I sank very low a lot of tears and withdrawal but made it through. It was too icy to visit my special place I have had ankle surgery and am on crutches which made me feel so bad. New Year was better I stayed in with my cat and a couple glasses of wine. I don't believe in resolutions but my aim is to get better mentally and physically and begin to live life again. Any tips  anyone?

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Mermaid Tears

I have been coming to the site and reading...super busy...and I caught the first cold I have had in 6 years...congestion/coughing....and plus super busy with kids home from school and those home from college...and our Jeremy here...but today....Daniel took him to the airport in Austin to fly back to Oregon...he works for Nike. As many parents on this site knows....the good-bye we say now has a tinge of anxiety...fear...deep emotion....(and wanting to wrap that boy/girl in a blanket and place them in our living room...forever).....because we know there are those 'forever good-bye moments'....we know and have lived through 'the last time I saw my child'...it paralyzes our common sense...and distorts our vision. I haven't got a handle on that, yet. I do hide my thoughts...my heart that is thumping so loud you would think all could hear it....I calm my voice that wants to yell...'don't leave'....but....I was never the controlling Mama...I let my chicks fly...like my parents let me fly. So...I send them off with a big hug...a Mama smile and such pride in the caring and compassionate person they have grown into. I am guessing that after we lose a child...that 'good-bye will always have many definitions through the years'...for parents.

I came aware of that 'space'....they were here...they were gone. When my children went off to college...and then they would come home with a car full of dirty clothes, sheets and towels....there would be a bustle of cooking favorite dishes....a gathering and going out with their friends....many wash loads later...and folding and ironing...sacks of chips, salsa and cookies...the car packed...and then they were gone. It would leave me with a strange time gap....they were here...then they were not.

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Mermaid Tears

I think it a very wise decision to try and find that Plan B...or find a purpose. This doesn't mean writing a symphony....or the next great novel...but I do think writing your thoughts and feelings down gives one an outlet....write it on notebook paper or a fancy journal...it doesn't matter...it is just a way to get your thoughts out of your head and written down. I 'cocooned'...after losing John David...I cancelled all civic/social events....it was the best thing I did for myself...I did not have to put on that false face or try to be stoic. I could be myself...and give myself the space and time to grief and mourn. The first holidays I created wreaths...for friends, family and some elderly citizens. As all parents know...night time is hard....I decided that if our ancestors could go across America in Conestoga wagons and bake bread on the trail....I could surely bake bread in my kitchen. I tried many different recipes...learning about yeast..different flours...and finally found a recipe that everyone really liked...it is called Crusty Bread....very easy ingredients...it takes at least 12 hours to rise..(I would make up 3 batches at night)....the way you bake it is a little tricky...but it taste like a sourdough bread. So...I would do that at night....then bake the bread in the morning....and then pass it out to friends all over town. They so appreciated the home baked bread....I so appreciated the 'busy' and the 'giving'. (My friends were surprised...they thought that I would walk down the street butt naked before I would ever bake bread). Some may say this isn't a 'purpose'....but it kept me busy at night...and I had something to do and get done at night. Help me make it through the night. Insomnia was the worst symptom of my grief. I tried walking in the park...but there was a memory under every tree...so I bought a treadmill and put it in my guest bedroom and started walking 3/4 miles a day...I watch Netflix or Amazon Prime....it isn't a cure...but it helps...and I will take better. I know many other parents will have other ways in which they found a purpose or found that Plan B....I know they will share their experiences.

Love that poem, Dee....I never thought I could/would learn to carry this much heavy dark weight...thank you for all your support...'he ain't heavy...he is my brother'...

Gretchen....I read your post and thought of that song by Neal Diamond...Turn on your Heartlight....I do believe your 'Heartlight' is lit up....you say you have new eyes to see...and that is why you are 'seeing what is real and true'....

Bob...they say there are no coincidences...am thinking you are meeting certain people on your journey that can be your help/guides....I want you to have that beautiful GRANDson in your life.

Dee.... I read this...and thought of your sister and nephew...and all those children who are caught up with addiction...

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee Thankyou I knew you would understand thank you so kind xxx

Sherry thank you it's just all I can manage right now take care friend xxx

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Georgina, I can feel your ache and i know how hard it is to carry it throughout the days. It will get lighter, I promise.

Sherry, i am lucky enough to have the remains of this week off and go back on the 9th. We worked through the 23rd. I love having this quiet part of the holiday break off. No rushing about, just wandering through the time. I am grading and writing lesson plans, but I love this time to go to the gym, (warm water pool today) take long walks, visit with friends and family more...watch tv, and occasionally, take naps.

Susan, I know that it is a hard thing, to wish our loved ones well before they leave. We push down our worries in order to smile and give them the boost they need too. The siblings also know of goodbyes. I am glad for the great visits you all had. And yes, Plan B is a good thing to have, we find ways to switch gears if need be. It is okay to change the way you used to do things to better fit who you are now. We are not the same as we once were, the basic you is there, but there is so much added in what was taken away. I feel sometimes that I rattle when I walk, my jangled bones along with my repeated prayers, my inner voice yelling in my brain, the self talk when those voices get too bossy, the jewelry that I wear forever like a talisman.

Bob and Susan, I can smell the bread baking now...

Laurie you okay? Lora? Sandy? Becky?

 

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie is now working 2 jobs...to help her son get full custody of his son....this is an uphill battle for many fathers...(and very expensive)....and that is a real purpose...she did state that she could not have done this last year...another Warrior Mom. Grief does change. Grief does change us. I am happy that Laurie can carry her grief in such a way that she can help her other son. Lora was working 3 jobs...I think now she is only working 2. We all have different situations and circumstances. For some parents...having that job/work is a good thing, they can keep their hands/minds busy. For others...they need to take time off or quit the job and maybe find they need to go in another direction. I did 'cocoon' but I never let my grief come between me and my business..(I own a small apartment complex)....but it is not a 9-5...I have the best tenants in Brenham.

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tobyfreefoot

I had to work full time as a machinist 35 mi from home, help my bipolar daughter with her first baby 55 mi away and take care of my dad who was dying from alzheimers (I was his only visitor and attendee to his needs though he was in nursing homes)100 miles from home. (He did die 11 mos later) over the 5 years my daughter had 2 more babies. I was not one of those that needed busyness. I have a lot of weird issues like narcolepsy, severe arthritis etc etc. I finally was hospitalized with a nervous breakdown. I haven't been back to work since.  I am amazed at Lora and now Laurie. I could never have managed two much less three jobs. I admire their stamina but always worried a little bit that it will be too much. I know Lora has done it for a long time and seems to function very well. Laurie I don't know how long you have been at it but I hope your second job is not too stressful. I know how important those grandbabies are so I am sending strength and energy vibes your way. Some of the parents here are incredible people who accomplish so much while carrying their heavy burden. To all of you that even get out of bed - I am so proud of you. It is so hard to keep going everyday. You all deserve a survival medal. One that no one wants but that you all have earned so pat yourselves on the back for being strong enough to keep living for that unknown purpose that is out there waiting for you.

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Mermaid Tears

Bob.....even though what I write about the most is my relationship to my SONshine boy...and that is what I know the most....I do know and understand the heart to heart love a man has for his son/daughter. I had this amazing Daddy...and I still have his love and care all over me. When Daniel and I married..I had Randa, John David and Jesse....he had Jason and Aaron....we had a son..Jeremy. Daniel and John David were devoted to each other...John David was his 'go to boy'...Daniel was shattered when he lost that boy. Daniel had a top notch physical before John David died...nothing but his cholesterol was a tiny bit high. Nine months after he died..Daniel was on the operating table having an Open Heart quadruple by pass surgery. He had enough anger for four men...he carried his grief deep. Daniel was the Daddy...the partner that fixed it all....Daniel could not fix this for me. Part of his suffering was he could not help my suffering. I know you had that one of a kind relationship with your boy that was like none other....and I know that it was so unique that it can't be copied...nor would you want to. I understand about all the dreams and schemes that was a part of your and his world was shattered to the winds and it is hard to look beyond and try to fashion that world without him. It is just so damn hard. All we have on this site are our words of care and compassion....and the fact that we walk in your shoes. I do hope that Grandson will be able to get to know you...and you can have him in your life....what a win/win for both of you.

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Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....I do believe that you and Shannon had the worst situations ...and having to carry that kind of grief.

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I tip my glass in your general direction Bob. I am not against a buzz but can hardly drink more than a glass of wine these days. I was never much of a drinker, used to engage in other buzz materials, but no longer. At 60, I am finding my way with new aches here and there, have dealt with breast cancer, hope to never again have to do that, and am happy with my drug of choice: coffee-strong and black and red wine-dark chianti or cabernets. Once in a while, a vodka and cranberry with lime. I hope that you don't leave though Bob, your dark humor is what my sisters and I survived on in our strange upbringing. Glad you went to town for a good buy.

I am a tiny bit under the weather today, a cough and sinus stuff, so I am not pushing it, went to school to rearrange the desks and drop some graded stuff off and that is about the extent of my physicality today. Most days, I am very active. Just going to listen to the old bones today.

Yes Susan, Lora and Laurie both work a ton,. Lora needs to fill her time iwth work, bless her ability to do so and Laurie is working a second job to assist. They both have my admiration. Gretchen, I was so glad when you were able to stop working int he conditions you were, driving in really bad weather, working late hours and your body hurting so... in many ways, the nervous breakdown outlined what you needed to do to live in a healthy way for you. Tending to your heart/soul/spirit is key to living your best life. I know that Forest is smiling that big and lovely smile of his.

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Susan, forgot to thank you for thinking of my sister and her son who is addicted. He continues to steal from everyone who lets him into their homes, and my sis is just so sad, unable to put him out in the street...can't blame her but she feels her hands are tied. She cannot afford to send him to a good long term rehab and he has had three half-assed rehabs in the local area. I hate that her day to day is fraught with angst and worry. She rarely smiles anymore and has taken to drinking which as we all know, only makes things worse when it becomes a habit. Prayers...and I do ask my Angel Eri to please whisper or shout in his ear/face-get healthy again and stay that way. I know addiction is a disease, but I get so angry at times to see what it has done to my Sis. Matt has 6 brothers and sisters and he is no longer welcome in any of their homes, stole from his closest brother on new years day.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Dee for asking and to Susan for answering. Some days it is really hard, though it has become a bit easier. My first job is one I can call my own hours as I work for a friend's company doing database and account management. She did surprise me one time by using Facetime on my new Iphone, I didnt even know what it was and there she was and she could see me. Anyways, she was diagnosed with cancer December 2015, but is doing fine with the recovery.  I was hired in a hurry. The second job is in retail and I do have problems with walking that many hours as I stress-fractured one of my feet. Hasn't healed right. 

Dee, I think about how many times I see your girl's face when I log in here....I do think about each one's child here, something will spark a memory, I heard Cara's song the other day (the one by the band Perry) , I  heard a song that Georgina put out for her James, Lay me Down...and just other reminders of our angels here.

I am sorry your nephew is going down that road...it is so hard, I have a nephew too who has chosen some darker paths...

Gretchen, I am going to pm you. 

I too think of those who haven't posted in awhile...hope you are as well as can be...let us know!

*********************************

Bob, I think the woodstove idea is great...I sat by the woodstove a lot the first couple years, it was very soothing. I even slept by it on really bad nights/days.

I must admit Grief still rages, sometimes in calms down a bit, and sometimes it swells up again...I still throw fits of rage at the Universe...it just is the way it is. I live a dual life now...the outward me...and the inner me...

I had read just recently about how someone needs to follow their own leading in things of this nature...not to give in to what others may expect...for one never really knows how they would react until it is them...movement along this path takes its own course...its own time...it cannot be forced...

 

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You know Bob, no matter our families all around or living alone, somehow, we each of us...are alone with our grief. It is in the singular that we have to be to figure it out as best we can. I was terribly fearful of the future and in fact would not make plans beyond the day. I hated plans after Erica died, through my whole sense of order off and so the future frightened me as well. Once, a teacher wanted to plan a get together to write curriculum in the summer, which I do often...but it was coming up on the first anniversary of Eri dying...I said, if we plan it for next week I can do it, otherwise, it is week by week for me. She was aghast at my proclamation adn said that that was hard for everyone else. I said, oh gee, I am sorry that my inability to plan as I face the anniversary of my Daughter's death is an imposition to you!" Enough said. But I remained somewhat like that and still don't like to plan too far ahead for anything. It does not matter if it is irrational to others, it is ours. We own it. Eri gets it, so that is what matters. My Son had to find his steps, I could reassure him with love and being nearby, but he needed to figure his own work out. We are essentially on our own with it. That is why this place resonates so well, it is with others who truly know the incredible pain and all that comes with it. We really begin to benefit here when we are able to help lift the next person. I felt myself healing with that and pretty much felt that being here is sort of a role I needed to fill for me and for those who came after. There are always others that come after unfortunately.

I heard a good one today too Bob; in reference to the cop who jumped on the hood of his car and lassoed a calf on the highway...the broadcaster said: " save a horse, ride a cowboy." Loved it.

Burger sounds good, I made soup for tomorrow because I definitely have a honker of a cold.

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I remember Bob, about 1o years ago, telling some here that were new, that HOPE is key to going forward. WHile things may seem hopeless, tiny hopes can grow new and bigger ones. I am glad that you have hope. I was divorced too...my ex was burning mad at me, hated me for a time, but we always lived near each other, and eventually we became friends again, which was a great feeling, he and I had been good friends early in our marriage, but drinking got in his way. We were married for 16 years and when I ended it I worked hard to make ends meet, keeping the house and waiting tables, doing home day care, going to college, subbing, and finally a degree to teach full time. So life works out in weird ways. My own family sisters and brothers...I am close to my sisters, not heard from one brother in 3 years after he started his racist rant with me, I hung up...that was it. Other brother is a Jesus Guy, to the hilt, so I see him once, twice a year, which is enough. My Mom and Dad disowned me when Erica was born because that is when I realized I could not go there anymore with a girl to protect...dad was a pedophile. I also found out right after Erica was born, that my beloved niece had been abused sexually by my dad, so all bets were off. Mom told me I ruined her golden years. I loved my Mom but she was definitely in denial and could not face that she was married to a man who sexually abused children, myself being his longest victim.Both parents dead now, but I did not go anywhere near my dad's funeral...and I did not allow him at my Daughter's funeral. At least her life was not affected by him.  So no, things don't always work out the way that we envision, but somehow, we find ways uphill in order to get a view from which we came, and we see just how far hope and tenacity has taken us. You keep on truckin.

Dianne, yes, my nephew  has been addicted for many years now. He ws once a very talented musician, I so wish he could find music a way to replace shooting heroin.

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tobyfreefoot

I copied this off of cyndy green's site. she is the woman that gave me messages from forest. i thought some of you might be interested in it.

 

God, Angels, the universe are always talking to us. We either tune in, or tune out. Anytime you are ready, and decide that you want to “Know more” “feel more” “see more” Spirit, they will show up! Here are some tips to get you open and able to sense spirit…

 
  • Meditate. Pray and tell God that you are ready for the next step in your “awakening”.
  • Begin to control your emotions and thoughts, get control of the lower ego self.
  • Practice quietness and mindfulness. Unplug from your electronics during “spirit time”.
  • Watch the movie, “Celestine Prophecy”.
  • Read some great books: The Seth Series, by Jane Roberts, Conversations with God Series by Neale Donald Walsh, and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
  • Play in spirit energy as much as you can! Hug a tree, listen for spirit whispers, watch for repeating numbers; be light hearted as you open to sense the higher frequency world.
  • Try to clear your emotional baggage such as anger, hate, and lower frequencies that block up the very subtle energy centers to sensing spirit.
  • Create a sacred space in your home. Choose a chair, corner of your bedroom, or other area where you go and call, pray, to God/Angels/Spirit. Sacred space magnifies the connection.
  • Seek a spiritual group that you vibe to and join in on some group activities. Group energy magnifies spirit energy!
  • Get energy treatments to awaken and sensitize your aura.
  • Be consistent in your meditation and quiet time with Spirit. Once a week is good, twice a week is better!
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Thanks Gretchen, both for the information from the woman you saw, and for the photos of the curtains that now hang in your studio. Fabulous.

I am home today, canceled activities with friend for breakfast and some shopping I was going to do...this cold has a grip on me and my chicken soup and rest are going to help me get rid of it faster than if I go and do too much. Nap is upon me. Humidifier is on. My friend Pattie and I will reconnect another time, she quit teaching a year ago due to stage 4 melanoma and has been going for some experimental and new treatments every week for 9 months now, you would not know by looking at her that she was ill. She looks great, is taking very good care of herself, and has hope. There is that Hope thing again. She is the Mom of 4 young adult Sons and has a loving husband. Prayers are always welcome.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, sending prayers for your friend Patti. I would also like to add a thought to your earlier post.

Coming here allows for us to tell and re-tell our story in an understanding atmosphere. It has been a safe spot for me in this storm of life. Thanks to you and Sherry for staying on to help those who come after....

Gretchen, thanks for sharing the post from Cindy...I love Forest tee that says, This princess saves herself...I can imagine him wearing that and the reactions!

I am posting a song that was on my mind as I woke up this morning. Dedicating it to Jesse on finding his way "Home"....a song I have always loved...

 

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Laurie, I thank you for the prayers for Patti, she is being treated by docs that really have had great success with using ones own body to fight the cancer. I am very proud of her stance, her hope, her determination to try what she can to make life longer. Thanks for what you said, I do believe Sherry and I are of the same mind when we say we feel it is our hope for others that keeps us here. I too feel the sense of great warmth and family here. this is the place that allows us our time and individuality while at the same time, joining us in our combined loss. Love that song too Laurie, i must have sung it day in and out when it came out. Jesse is home, always in your heart and in his heavenly place with that big smile and his jovial laugh.

 

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Hoosier guy said......I'm trying to grasp the concept right now of spending less time worrying about the future and more time appreciating the blessings of today .

That was key for me.  It has been 8.5 years since my Brian died in a completely preventable car crash.  I did not see a future for a long time.  Until I found other parents that have also lost a child.  My Brian was only 16.  I decided to go out and find happiness.  I must say, we are a functioning family again.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

 

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Colleen so good to see you here tonight.How are you all doing? How are the kids? Husband? YOU?

 

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tobyfreefoot

Yeah bob sounds like your planning was great. Maybe the young woman and unborn grandchild may end up there or someone else that will bring in some joy or  comfort. I am sorry your son was so unexpectedly taken from you but that in itself makes it clear the most unfathomable things can happen and turn your world completely upside down. That can happen in a good way too. (and I hope it will) the most unimaginable thing could happen and make it seem that was the house's destiny. I know it will never be what your heart planned and it is probably hard to see it coming to fruition in some other way but you seem to be working hard to take life as it comes so I hope something, someday will help fill the void in your house and soften the pain you have looking at it now.

Colleen I am glad to hear your family is full functioning. I am so very much better now but I'm not sure my entire family will ever be fully functional. My youngest son stays away from the rest of us. My daughter, her family and my middle son are all close and beginning to let me back in, or rather they have  welcomed me back to myself. The wrench that this kind of loss throws into the family works would never be guessed by the "outside" world. I am so glad to hear yours survived and I think of you when I hear of other goofy actions kids take so unaware of the dangers. Love to you and yours. So nice to hear from you.

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New Year-New Hope

Let the wind sweep away my worries and fear-

wipe my doubts -

cast them outward to be shredded on zephyrs-

Let my insides rattle without this clutter-

goodness and hope drumming

off of my heart-

echoing through this old chamber-

singing its holy renditions----that can lift a girl-

lift a world.

I listen and feel this song vibrate from deep within and out to the streets.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie...thank you for sharing the song....I, too, will wake up with a song playing in my head....maybe our children are sending them to us...for that never happened in the 'before' life...that song would bring a zing and that homesick feeling. I remember driving along...Randa would stand right beside me...(that was before car seat belts and car seats for kids)...that song came on the radio and she sang it word for word...I was amazed...I didn't know she could do that. We can think of our boys..down the road...around the bend...over the mountain tops..across the sea....living in a wonderland of wilderness..creeks and streams...tall trees.

Colleen....good to hear from you...I am going to get a lady to make a memory quilt for me...(I was thinking I would do it..but..after seeing some that have been made..it will take one that is farther up the sewing trail and skills to do it right)...it is a slippery slope on this grief journey not to become bitter....I also think it takes a lot of courage to step into the light again...we also teach our other children...or friends and family...that life is for the living and we must not let this kind of grief define us forever. For sure...it will define us in the early years....and we must honor our mourning. We can give them skills in coping with handling all the bad things that get thrown at us from left field.

Dee...I do hope the treatments will be a healing for your friend. I remember with my Margaret Ann...our friendship was so deep and for so many years...it seemed to turn sacred. Her children and my children knew what we meant to each other. Our relationship seemed to turn golden...rich...everlasting in those last months. It is hard to explain...but I know she was there for my John David. Love that poem....a New Year...a  new layer of wisdom.

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tobyfreefoot

Thanks Dee. This world needs lifted. These hearts need lifted. Being free of a cluttered mind would help all of us move forward, clear sighted with focus and hopefully purpose. My mind is slowly being uncluttered. Even my house, for us. Purpose I am working on. I have always decorated my steel toed boots (I may have posted pics of my Bowie tribute boots) I am putting them up above the doors in my studio to some how inspire my creative and industrious side. I have my family's name quilt that has been around for decades, an Afghan made for us by a beloved friend when forest died and of course his t shirts and all my art supplies. I couldn't feel cozier or happier, more me anywhere else in the world. I'm hoping something great or useful or helpful to a community comes from it. At least finally I am in a place where I am ready to act, to be me again instead of so lost in grief I absolutely could barely move. I know so many of you are in that very dark hole. I have watched others climb out when I could not. I could not comprehend ever getting out. Before forest died I had suffered lifelong major depressive disorder. When that officer came in my house i disassociated and ended up with ptsd also. I don't know if this combination is why I was there so long or if everyone is in the abyss that long I just know it was horrible and hard and I was sure that was my new life, the new me but I have come back into myself. That same old crazy, excitable, go for it person may not be the same but at least she is back. Scarred, a little more thoughtful and subdued but at least I know it is her. I truly thought the "me" I knew was gone forever. Just telling you as I watched others get their acts together and I didn't I thought maybe their love wasn't as great or their relationship as close, but I knew it wasn't so and I just felt trapped behind a transparent wall of sadness. Wanting you to know I think all of you will get better. If I did anyone can.

  Bob yeah "been down so gd long that it looks like up to me" seriously thanks for the clarity. I hope you are able to get custody of your grandson. I know it will be hard - little babies and toddlers take a lot out of you  but the effort will be worth every bit.   

Pictures of my living room on a day I'm feeling good about it lol most people would run lol

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Love your living space Gretchen, and love even more, that you are sharing your world with us. Love your old globe on the coffee table. Are your dolls from your childhood? I have a smile knowing that your family is welcoming you back into your life. It is your life, you are making it work again. I am so glad.

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Susan, my friend Patti is doing immunatherapy so its cool, it uses her body to identify the cancer cells and destroy them. She is dealing with some heavy meds to help her be able to handle the immunetherapy, including some chronic pain in her spine. She is doing far better than she would probably be doing had she opted for traditional chemo. So I am thankful for all of the new therapies and knowledge coming forward from our research hospitals.

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tobyfreefoot

Dee-I am so sorry your friend is struggling so. They have come up with things that are surprisingly effective so much more so than in our younger days. I'm sorry I have not been reading much and I don't know your friend's prognosis but I do know your friendship is a very valuable comfort to her as she battles this horrendous disease.

The globe is mine. The dolls are my husband's, he collects them. The Indian doll he gave me as a gift. I do have some of my childhood dolls around the house though. This isn't the only room crammed with stuff lol. I recently found in a book my and my husband's style - maximal bohemian lol fits us perfectly

I took pictures of my boots. I'm a couple pairs short but this was one of the things my job did for me. Out of being trapped in a noncreative factory, desperation took over as I have to have a creative outlet. Needless to say I did not fit in well with my coworkers lol.

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Gretchen, you do know don't you...that folks would pay for such one of a kind boots...I would! This could be your next venture!

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Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....love your style....I veered from the decorating traditions...I do have furniture from Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles..(both sides of my family and both sides of Daniel's)..that I cannot sell..can only give to family...so...much of my 'style' is/has been dictated or handed down to me....but I now have a total eclectic home...I do love all your books...and more books. Books have always been my best friends..and now...I have some books that I have a child love for. I like the way you have used your boys T-shirts...

Dianne....I think New Years Eve is such a black day for us is because we are entering a New Year....but with the old tired pain of this kind of grief....New Years Day I woke up with the thought...'starting on my 5th year'....I try to focus on 'today...this day'....I also pat myself on the back for surviving and keeping Daniel going forward.

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tobyfreefoot

Susan-lol books! If you look through the doorway into my bedroom you will see another book case lol they are in almost every room including a shelf in the kitchen and every bit of my furniture has been handed down by family ha ha. 

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tobyfreefoot

Dianne. I am glad you are looking forward into the bright day. We may not always feel as good as we do today but today is what we've got so we might as well do the best we can. Moving forward today may put us in a place where when a dark day comes we may be able to see a little light peeking in the cracks. Any advances we make can surely be nothing but helpful when it comes upon us. Peace

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