Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Ricky's mom , Wendy

Thank you so much Diane.  I know it will never get better but the birth of Maddox will be a much needed Joy.  My daughter has decided that I can be at the hospital tonight.  I'm sooooo excited! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 68.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ericasmom

    9217

  • Mermaid Tears

    3803

  • daveydow1

    3002

  • shorty16

    2248

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Becky...all of us on this site will say prayers...in that you gain a tiny layer of healing with each sunrise...I do believe that grief can block healing in many parents...grief can block out all the sunshine and light. Please...believe in yourself and your healing. You are such a Warrior Mom...now I ask for you to 'fight for yourself'...your family and friends need you so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Blessings to all during this difficult season. Last Christmas was the first without my Momma for she passed unexpectedly in her sleep december 7 2015 & this Christmas will be my 1st without my SON Je'Barr this was his favorite holiday he's my first born & the eldest of my 3 boys he was only 24. Last Christmas was DEVASTATING & this year its a different kind of pain im not putting up a tree for the 1st time too many memories. Last year Je'Barr helped decorate the tree & I had to constantly send Momma pics of our progress this was both their FAVORITE HOLIDAY I just wish they would COME BACK I JUST MISS THEM SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & my BEST FRIEND passed away this march so i have no one to talk to & right after Christmas & New YEars is my son angel date january 16 toooooooooooo MUCH. HOWEVER IM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE I WISH THAT SOMEHOW ANUALLY WE COULD ALLLLLL MEET UP & GIVE  EACH OTHER A HUG :wub2:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Wendy...you are one brave Mama and daughter....I applaud you for your spirit ...and we will pray for you to have stamina in the weeks ahead. Please remember to 'self care' with all the burdens you have on you now.....the gripping grief and the challenges you face with your Mama. My.....what a gorgeous Mom you have...and what a devoted and loving daughter she has. The 'Light' you have in your life now is the miracle of that child....am so happy your daughter has decided to let you be at the hospital. I tell you this....there is something sacred when you hold your baby's baby. Thank you for sharing your photos. It gives us a connection to put a face on a name. We can reach out and touch each other with the words we post and the message we send is that you are not alone. We are here to hear you. Let us hear about the 'new one' and hang on to Faith with both hands.

ScreenShot2047.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Dianne...thank you for your kind words. As we get older....we hear others stories....I have been quite shocked to hear how some were raised. My Grama use to say..'sometimes they teach you how not to be'. I also learned that I loved and adored my Mama like my Dad did. I was the only child til I was 10...and my Dad would say..'Me, Mama and Susie had Bubu and Becky'....we were like a partnership. I have had many people to say I should write it all down..if for no one else for my GRANDchildren.

I am sorry that you and your husband are far away from your GRANDchild...she is a cutie pie. Children bring their own kind of magic...and we almost find ourselves really believing in that Jolly Saint Nick. I think and ponder on so many questions that have no answer. Lately....I have been dwelling on 'learning to learn the message or teaching in problems that we face'.....the grief we have...try to untangle the emotions..learning to stand still and let healing shine through the cracks in my life.

ScreenShot1186.jpg

ScreenShot1855.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thanks Dianne sending LOVE & PRAYERS your way. I'm going to the graveyard & decorate for Je'Barr & Momma she was a part of the better homes & gardens club & never had less than 2 trees every year & I don't want Je'Barr to not have a tree so i'm going there to decorate for them but not at home & I often sit in silence to listen for a sign from him I can feel him often but its just not the same as seeing his face or hearing his laugh or feeling his HUGE BEAR HUGS .........somehow I guess i'll make it thru:(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

JBMom....you have such a challenge in that so many loved ones have left this earth home. I am so sorry. Please come and tell us more about your boy. The first Christmas is a hard one. I just realized this is my 5th Christmas without my John David....how is that possible ? I am surviving...and you will, too. Please...just take it one day at a time....don't expect too much of yourself or others....especially his siblings. This will be a very raw experience for them. Just take many deep breaths...try to walk outside for awhile each day...Mother Nature has a way of sending healing light to your shattered heart. You will grieve in the way that your son was unique..honor him and yourself .

ScreenShot1848.jpg

ScreenShot1824.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have so much to tell and so much to read!! I also have something's screaming for attention. Know I think of you all throughout my day and you all give me strength and comfort I would have never had without you. Here is my tree flowers at forest's grave and the memorial at sunset. Hope everyone is managing to get through the preholiday blues somehow. I love you guys. Hang in there 

20161216_173042-1.jpg

20161216_171907.jpg

20161209_200426.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....the memorial looks amazing...with that sunset...Mother Nature...the quintessential artist. Your tree looks like a happy one...love wrapped up with paper and bows.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

We are traveling to San Marcos today....to celebrate a college graduation...Karson is the daughter of Suzanne...she and Randa have been BFF since 8th grade..Suzanne's Mom and I were friends, too....she died a couple of years ago...we miss her so much. Yesterday it was 80 degrees...today it is 29 degrees...in this part of Texas...we have the air conditioner on one day...the heater the next. I see where my Northern friends are having some very cold..snow...ice weather...stay safe. I was thinking this morning...if I lived up North...I was cram a basement with food for 3 months....I would not know how to drive in the snow.

Hoping all the parents will muddle through in the best way they can.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Gretchen, I can't wait to hear all that you want to tell. I love your flowers and Forest's site. Love is all around you/Him.

The memorial that I attended yesterday was heart-wrenching and beautiful. Magical in the words and spirit that surround Maya, the young lady who died last month. She was 2 weeks into her 18th year, she got to vote which was a huge thrill for her. Her illness came out of the blue in July and she was gone from her Earth home in November, leaving everyone stunned by her departure. But oh they sang; she was part of the high-school show choir, they sang Beatles songs, recited poetry, told stories of how she touched their lives....she goes on and lives within everyone she loves and strangers too, who happen to know of her. I wept furiously the whole time, I cannot attend many of these events because I really cannot contain my weeping. I hugged her Momma who I know through our school district third grade meetings, different schools but same district, and we hugged the hug we know, the hug of a Momma longing for the days before the loss.

It is 2 degrees right now...but sunny so that is nice, and the birds are clammering for the feeders.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan, enjoy your graduation! And please send some warmth our way! I woke up this morning to -33C. Tomorrow it is supposedly going to climb to -8C. A heck of a huge difference. I have never been a fan of extremes regarding the temps. Either way I prefer a more moderate and balanced clime.

We spent the day in the city yesterday running around trying to get some last minute things done for next week. I have always loved the last minute excitement of watching those shoppers panic. I am very much a person that shops early and then sits back.

I am thinking of everyone at this most difficult time of the year. Hang on with both hands.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dianne, I am sorry that the cold is SO DAMN COLD today and tomorrow too, but it will get to a more normal winter temperature on Tuesday and the rest of the week. The good news is; The first day of winter, the shortest day of all is this Wednesday, so from there in a very slow manner, we will build our daylight. A turning point. The sky is crystal blue and the air is boldly cold, I went to the gym and did my exercises in the warm water pool which I adore. The sun was shining in on a slant, and when I went into that part of the water in my back and forth trips, I felt touched by the intensity of the sun dancing on the water and the warmth one could feel in it. Ahhhhh.

The Bears just lost to The Green Bay Packers but it was close. I am encouraged to see a team that is starting to show some talent this year.

Susan, a good trip and graduation for your friend's Child. I know you miss your friend, she will be so glad that you are there as she flits from loved one to loved one,  the way angels do at big events.

Sandy, you okay out there in this frozen landscape?

Colleen, what about you?

Sherry, you in the below zero windchills?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dee, is that pool large enough to take all of us?   Sure sounds good to me.  Perhaps along with a warm Xmas coffee after. :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yes Dee we are surviving the "frozen tundra" of Indiana.   The dogs hate going out to do their business. Yesterday they kept falling through the snow and today, after freezing rain and sleet on top of the snow, they slide all over looking for a spot.   It has been at least a couple of years since we have had such cold temps,   Thanks so much for asking about us.

Yesterday I decorated a wreath to take to Sarah's grave site.   I went shopping for the items to make it and found tears falling throughout the store.  Then putting it together brought more tears.   This is the 5th Christmas. Sigh......    No one in my family seem to have the need to go there except the little girls and I take them whenever they ask, which is getting less.  But for me, even though I know she is not there, The body I gave birth to and loved is there.  There is a part of me that must make sure she has a gift.   It is hurtful that the only gift I can give her is a wreath, specially decorated for her, but I have a need to do it, so I do.        I took it out today and of course the grave is covered in snow and with the freezing rain I couldn't brush it away to find the grave site (The stones all have to be flat with the ground)   I trudged very awkwardly through the snow/ice.   I found the general spot and left the wreath and will go out when the weather breaks and the snow melts and move it into the proper spot.   Many probably think I am goofy, but they just don't know and it is what I have to do for my sweet Sarah.

Maddie just had her 10th birthday.  She was five when mama died and Becca is 8 and she was three.    Maddie was sooooo excited to be FINALLY in "double digits".   Her Daddy and Auntie Rachel planned a nice party for her.   She looks exactly like her mama when she was that age and her personality is just like Sarah's.  At times it is like reliving  time all over again.   We are so blessed to have the girls.   It is hard watching them go through the pain of her loss at every monumental moment in their lives,but they have many to help them through it and are loved so much.  It is all bittersweet.      I had someone comment on it being 5 years and questioned a timeline for closure.   I explained that there will never be closure, how could there be, she remains gone.   But I did try to explain that  this grief is forever part of me and it is my job to learn how to carry it  and continue to live my life in the best way possible.   The tears will continue to come at times.  Sometimes expected and sometimes completly out of the blue. Sometimes quietly and sometimes gut wrenching.  And that is ok, and when it happens I am learning to let myself feel what I feel, knowing that I will be ok.     There are those who may think I am "Stuck" but I am not, and I don't want them ever to be able to understand.    I am so grateful for this site and for all of you.    

Have a restful evening.

Sandy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kate, it is half the size of a regulation pool but big enough for the grieving parents here. It mneeds to be cleaned but I don't put my head in anymore, I have bad sinus issues so ears and nose don't do well with swimming anymore but I just love kicking back and forth on my big floating dumbell and doing some balance enhancing exercises. I do a lot of arm exercises and move the whole time in the water, about 40 -45 minutes. It is so peaceful to me, to my soul, especially when I cannot go out and walk on days like these; -10 this morning, actual temps.
And yes, we are in school.

Sandy, so glad to know you are fine, and that you are accepting of your steps in this grijef. SO glad that you can let folks know that there is no such thing as closure when it comes to grief. It goes on and changes over time but it does not stop. Your comfort with yourself has grown adn for that I am thankful, and your Pretty Daughter must be too. So amazing that the Girls are so big now. It is wonderful that Rachael is there with you all now. I hope that the relationship between she and her nieces grows strong and undeniably positive for all involved. How are her Kids? How is your Husband doing? Does he still have access to the help he has had in the past so that he has folks looking in on him and engaging him?

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Dee....water has such healing powers....that is why I always will have a pool....love to swim at night...under the moon and stars...for now...it is a no-no....we have a hot tub that we use in the winter that is attached to the pool....

Sandy....there is never a 'getting over it'...we simply have to go through it...our own unique grief journey that is as unique as our child. I, too, have learned that when that heavy grief comes...I bend to it....it is a way I can honor my place and my child in the 'NOW".....I think only parents that has this kind of grief can know what we are living. Your granddaughters are growing....as they get older and more mature...they will ask you many questions about that sweet Mama...and you will be the only one that can answer the questions like...'What was my Mama like when she was a little girl.....what was she like as a student....what was her favorite color....who were her best friends....where did she and her friends like to do....they will become so interested in what she wore to the prom..her first boyfriend..how did she meet their Dad'...etc.....it is coming...that day when they will want to know every detail of that Mama that loved them dearly. You will hold all the answers.

ScreenShot505.jpg

ScreenShot511.jpg

ScreenShot414.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

When They Die: The Scream of Their Absence

You wake up. You force yourself out of bed to face the day. You go downstairs, hunched over and desperate to remove the machete that seems to be lodged in your heart.

You make your coffee. You say hello to your baby boy. When you've managed to get your clothes on and collect enough courage to walk out the door, you see it. His favorite coffee mug. Her precious scarf. That ridiculous set of DVDs he never got rid of, even though he never watched them.

Or the memories attack you out of nowhere: her laughter is vivid, as if she's right in front of you. Or his touch has so infiltrated your mind that you can't believe you're merely imagining him. 

Then the bricks are showered down upon you. It begins to sink in, and there's no escaping it.

They're not here. And they're not coming back.

If this is your first holiday without a loved one, you may feel crippled with a debilitating pain that you can't quite articulate. It's both a physical and a psychological pain, and it feels more vivid and real than reality itself.

Despite everyone telling you how frantic things are this time of year, the grieving person faces a different experience of time: as the world goes by, time stops and refuses to move. It's like being caught in a vortex of pain, utterly trapped. You're not getting out of this one. You might as well be finished. Plain and simple. 

I've experienced the first time too many times now. Every time it was a **** storm of confusion and pain and longing and oh-dear-god-how-the-hell-did-this-happen. It didn't get easier. Every experience was like having an artery punctured and being left for dead. Only I didn't die. The bleeding just kept on coming. 

At the same time, there was one overwhelming experience that was always present with every loss: I became consumed with a surge of love so strong it nearly wrecked me. This was an aching love, the kind of love that rushes up throughout you, desperate to burst. Its intensity shatters you to your core, because you can't give this love anymore. Your loved one isn't there to receive it. The greatest gift in your being doesn't have a home, leaving this love to collapse inside of you with nowhere to go. 

This is the kind of love that doesn't feel good at all, but is necessary for your survival.

If this is your first holiday season without a loved one, you are probably experiencing your own version of this. This is anything but easy. It doesn't feel like there's anything to learn, you may have no sense of redemption, and no matter how grateful you may feel for the time you had with them, you're pissed. You want them back. And you have every right to.

I could give you all kinds of advice for how to deal with this, but that wouldn't serve you nearly as well as one simple request: as you feel your agony, your horror and your unbearable exhaustion, I ask only one thing: I beseech you to love, and love completely. 

I'm not talking about the airy-fairly, pseudo-spiritual "love" that's based on consumerist notions of feeling good, I'm talking about the kind of love that's borne of our refusal to bow down to apathy and hate. The kind that's fucking resilient, that takes a stand for what's right, and demands that you take care of yourself precisely when you want to throw in the towel and die. 

This is the kind of love that moves you to wrap your arms around your daughter, even though your son is no longer here and your physical faculties are numb.

This is the kind of love that compels you to reach out to your friend who's just been cheated on, even though you're in the middle of your own divorce and feel abandoned by the world.

And this is the kind of love that isn't based upon how you feel, but upon honoring your loved one's memories with every fiber of your being. 

It's time to practice radical gentleness. Gentleness is usually conflated with weakness, but that's a huge mistake. Gentleness is perhaps the purest expression of vulnerability. I'm not talking about taking a bubble bath and drinking tea and lighting candles while you treat yourself to a massage. Those activities have their place, but they merely treat the symptoms of our pain. We must submerge ourselves below the symptoms, reaching to see the part of ourselves that we don't want to face.

I'm talking about experiencing gentleness as an annihilation: a giant **** you to the regret, the self-hatred, the internal loathing, the seemingly impenetrable shame. This can only be accomplished with gentleness. Active gentleness. With yourself and with those are still with you. 

As their absence screams inside of you, meet those wails with the most urgent love you can muster. 

There are few things in this life more brave.

 
 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Memories of Steve from Christmas long past 

wishing you all peace this holiday season

image.jpeg

image.png

image.jpeg

image.jpeg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dianne, I can feel your heart hoping. I do think that our Kids are in the beauty of heaven, that the promise of our love combined with their endless love creates a space of complete peace. I do also believe that there are jobs for our Children, those that best suit their passions. I can't help but feel that Erica helps newbies to heaven...I just feel it is so.
 I love the horse in the house, we had one too, and that photo is precious.

Took a nice long walk before school this morning, it was delightful to be back outside, even though the temp was 17 degrees...that is 25 more than yesterday. I even took the kids out for recess which was a joy for us all, a cold joy but a good one. They are quietly working on story problems that I wrote, all of their names in the problems and all about winter break. I love watching their faces when they see themselves in a problem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Ricky's mom , Wendy

Just wanted to the joy of my life.  Please help us welcome our first grandchild, Maddox Crue.  He arrived yesterday at 2:26 pm. 6 lbs 15.8 oz and 19 inches long! 

20161220_101152.jpg

20161220_100512.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Maryanne...love..love those photos...I feel the love right through the screen....

 

Congrats Wendy....we had a 'new little man' born on Dec. 14, 2012.....it was as if God/Mother/Father of the Universe knew that I would need that miracle gift to hold...when my heart and arms felt so empty. Love that name....and a handsome little guy you have. So grateful you have something to bless you and yours.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
InHeavensKeeping

Becky the tree is beautiful I love the thought that JDis watching and part of what your doing xx. Your new grand daughter is such a picture God Bless her xx 

Dee thank you for your words of support I just love how you wrote about things I can really picture what your saying  and it helps me to continue to take a few steps forward   Xx

Wendy beautiful baby such a joy for you all I'm glad you were able to be there with your daughter. Xxxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hoosier Guy...I am sorry for your loss. I think you just answered your own question. Look at the picture of your son that you posted and ask if you want to make him proud of you. This kind of loss shows us what we are truly made of. This road we walk is just plain terrible. It takes a lot of guts to keep going. I bet you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang on.

Wendy, what a beautiful early Christmas present. He is adorable.

 

Thinking of everyone as Christmas fast approaches. Sending wishes and hope for a peaceful holiday. Kate

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
InHeavensKeeping

 

So sorry I don't seem to be able to post at the moment feeling I can't do this any more even finding it hard to say what I'm feeling.  I don't know what's happening

I was though thinking of thr story of Scrooge last night and when he's visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future and how like that it is for me; Christmas past full of happiness joy laughter and hope. Christmas present full of heartache despair longing yearning and tears  and Christmas future for all the Christmases to come going on like this with a broken heart and missing every stolen moments with my beautiful Sons xx 

Hugs and Hope to you all God Bless xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hoosierguy.........I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son in such a

tragic and violent way.   While we never want to see more parents

coming to this site, since your tragic loss, we are glad that you have found

your way here.  Please come back when you are able to.   Your loss is so

very recent, and your heart is broken,.....but at this site, you will find

those who understand the pain and sorrow of losing a beloved child.

Peace to you.

 

Georgina-------Yes......this time of year is so very difficult, with all the memories

we have of our darlings who are not here with us.   The pain is so deep.  

Sending thoughts & prayers that our love for our angels will somehow sustain

us and get us through yet another difficult holiday season.  Peace to you, my BI friend.

 

Dee------Our nights have been hovering around 10 degrees.....sometimes lower, but

no actual below zero temps.  It is to get warmer......in the 30's  soon.  Your exercise

sessions in the warm pool sounds just divine.  Very good for the muscles, and 'aching bones'

if you have them.  :)

 

Dianne-----Hang on......All of us in the Midwest..having been in the grips of a cold snap,

should see temps warming up some soon. I hope so.

 

Wendy-----Beautiful little baby boy, Maddox.  Congratulations!    Thanks for posting the pic.

 

Stevesmom----thanks for the nice screenshot that speak to the heart.  Also for the pics.

 

Susan----thank you for the insightful post. How I remember when that reality hit me.....

she's not here......and she's not coming back...Little Lisa.  And years later.....'he's not

here...and he's not coming back' .  I'm sure that this reality has hit each one of us all, like bricks raining

down when the numbness & shock wore off.  I pray that we can all somehow find some strength, and

comfort in our golden memories of our angels. 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hoosier Guy, I will write more later, I am just beat today. I want you to know however, that the place you find yourself, the aching more than you thought at this point...is normal. Most of us found that the first big layer of shock wears away at around the 3 or 4 month mark, which is right where you are. I was raw at that point, as though slapped again with Erica's death. There are many layers of shock, most of us didn't even really think we were under the protective coat of shock, but boy, when it wears off, it is like a bad trip. Hang tight, the only way through it is actually, through it. No going around it, no hiding from it, it simply demands your heart and soul to face it and learn from it. You will too. I am not saying you need to, I am saying that no matter what, you will learn from it. Do your Son proud, shine his light wherever you can, make some changes that you know he would smile from. I am so sorry for your deep loss.

Dianne, I mistakenly told you I loved the horse photo when in fact it was Maryanne. I apologize to you both. Looking forward to winter break...slow down and have time here to really visit.

Peace All, one day

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Hoosier Guy....the very nature and way you write...it is true...you are a strong old man....and a very free spirit....and those traits will always serve you well. But this kind of grief has no favorites. This kind of grief will go deep to the white, black, brown, yellow, red parent. This kind of mourning will paralyze the African woman living in a hut...the wealthy man living in a mansion....the celebrated artist living in California...the politician living in Washington DC....the nurse/Dr running down the halls of a hospital giving their all to help heal....this kind of grief is like 'the rain that falls on the just and unjust'. Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. The shock suit will fit very tight in the first two years. I can truly say that the biggest shock...or realization to me was the fact that I always thought I had such Super Human power/control....to keep my children from all harm. I had to come to grips that I only had Super Human Love. It is as if we are plopped own in a foreign country and do not know where we are nor do we speak the language...without a compass or map....we have to find our way on this earth home without our child. I call it the grief journey. This is a day to day journey. We come to this site to reach out and give care and compassion....the other truth I learned is that until you lose a child..there is no way one can understand this kind of grief. We all walk in the same shoes. I do hope that you/detectives can find who murdered your handsome son. I like your tattoo...my GRANDdaughter had a tattoo on her arm from a part of a letter John David wrote about her and her twin. My John David passed in 2012...I am still learning how to carry my grief. About the holidays....I so wish I could pole vault over them and land on my feet in January...but I have a large family...and must carry on and collect what stamina I can to create the traditions and make those memories for my GRANDchildren. Peace to you.

ScreenShot827.jpg

ScreenShot203.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Bob, I am sorry for the loss of your son, Jake. He is certainly a handsome young man...your stone work is beautiful. My son Jesse always loved houses like that. He had wanted to build a home out of stone at one time. May you find some Justice for your Jake. My son was killed by an inattentive driver. Ran over in his own lane of traffic. I had to work long and hard to get her even brought to trial (she was a meth addict but the dumb cops couldn't figure out to do a blood draw at the time of the accident). She was convicted but still is resisting, trying to appeal the case. 

May you find comfort and healing here. Sending gentle thoughts to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

that house is amazing...isn't it Laurie....something your Jesse David and my John David would have loved...small world...isn't it...?

Bob....I love...love that house...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hello All, I think of everyone here and am reading along. Just been working a lot and not much else. I am still going to our local pool trying to get my foot pain under control. It is much improved. My youngest son Thomas is still healing from his back surgery he had in October.

Time remains elusive for me, I do not want to admit how much time has passed since seeing my beloved son. And yet at times, it still feels like yesterday. Maybe the rawness of everything has worn off but there are still those moments that trip me up --  like seeing something that reminds me of him and I, or hearing certain songs. I remain sad. Losing 2 sons is unbelievable to me. I remain in the state of before and after, straddling that divide. 

Thanks Dee for asking about me. Sending love out to everyone. Prayers for you Becky.

 

Screen Shot 12-21-16 at 09.21 PM.PNG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Nice to see your post Susan -- we warmed up a bit here the other day. Not probably like your temps though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Bob, hey, you need to tell us what you are dealing with, in fact, I am very glad to be getting to know you in the last few days, you are very able to offer your story. Many have a harder time with that. I am like you in that: I told a lot about my Daughter's life and death right off, and then folks know what I was/am dealing with. That was 13.5 years ago. Erica died at age 19 when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Damn fuse was burned out...for 11 months! Yes, anger can definitely be a piece of the loss, it was for me as far as the lack of care the village put into keeping that intersection safe. Because of Eri, her death, our lawsuit, (4 years in the making) the crossings through Kalamazoo are all safe now, nobody will die as Erica did, in  that town anyhow. So I am an oldie here, me and Sherry have been here the same amount of time, staying as a means to letting whomever follows us, that one day you will find your steps. It definitely is fine to not be 'fine'. And when folks inquire or expect us to find the so called closure that our society thinks exists in loss...you can let them know that just as Nick's birth changed you forever...so has his death. And why wouldn't it. No, I don't mean we need to be brutal to others about it, but at some point, you will have to let some people go who insist you should be 'over' it. That becomes their problem, you have enough on your plate than to worry if your friends will ever get it, and faking happy-go-lucky is just plain exhausting. One day however, you will feel a new normal and your life will take on more things that please your spirit. I am so glad that you feel your Boy's presence, I have had the joy of Erica's presence in and out of these thirteen years and I am so grateful to her. I talk to Erica everyday, outloud, on my walks, before I sleep, right smack in the middle of the day and if folks think its crazy...again, that is their issue, not mine. I teach third grade in a public school outside of Chicago. This is where my kids grew up and went to school. My third graders know about Erica, not the train part, but that my Daughter died in an accident. They know all about my girl, that she did not like school, that she was funny as heck, that she was a very good skater, snowboarder, adventure-seeking person. I never have a day that I don't speak her name or get to hear her name spoken which is a gift to me. I have a fund at our school in her name so I also get to write checks with her name on them to help kids have activities in thier lives that they might not have been able to have due to financial issues. So there are ways to bring our Kids into our Everyday. That is where they belong...they LIVED! They will always live on in us and they will always be our Children.

Love your stone work and I love that you work with BEES! Have you read the book called The Bees? It is fiction told from within the hive by a female bee. It is AMAZINGLY great.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Please listen to this angelic Child who is autistic and hardly spoke until a teacher took a special interest in the girls talent: singing. Oh my goodness. I wept and am weeping again at this beautiful rendition of Halleluia.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Right On DIanne, it is truly a gift to share this piece of joy. That little person holds such passion in her message.

So glad that you liked it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Gratitude Doesn't Erase Grief

In your grief, have you been told by family and friends to be grateful? I imagine the answer is a resounding yes. If so, I'll be very clear: we need to stop this madness.

In the work I do with people facing trauma, I’m told over and over again how those around them just want them to be grateful. They might even make an attempt at utilizing the advice, but it almost always incites anger, not comfort. 

Promoting gratitude is one of the most misleading—and harmful—offerings you can make to someone in the throes of grief. Yet it remains as popular as ever; it’s become a mindless, pervasive drug.

It's well-meaning bullshit, but it's still bullshit. Why? Because it’s based on two fundamentally flawed assumptions: first, it assumes that gratitude has the ability to fix grief. Second, it assumes that grieving people are less prone to be grateful than those who aren't grieving. Both of these assumptions are ludicrous.

Gratitude and grief serve fundamentally different purposes. Using gratitude to wash away grief is like telling someone who’s received a cancer diagnosis to take an Advil. Their purposes are completely incongruous.

Ungratefulness generally arises in response to the trivialities of life, not life-changing events. The person who complains about every ridiculous detail of their job, or seems to be incapable of appreciating anything, is ungrateful. 

The person who’s lost the love of their life? First, they are often profoundly grateful: for their family, the friends who care for them, the love they receive. They may not actively show it, but it’s often there.  

Yet even this leads to a further assumption: that grieving people should be grateful. They shouldn’t. The immediate aftermath of tragedy is not the time to find things to be grateful for. It is a time to find solace not in happy things, but in grieving itself. 

This also addresses one of the most foolish assumptions many make about the purpose of gratitude: that it exists to make you feel good, which is narcissistic and ends up defeating the purpose of being grateful in the first place. 

Being grateful might lead to you feeling good, but that’s a byproduct of doing the work involved in creating the conditions by which you might find a peaceful heart. Cultivating a grateful worldview probes the depths of your being. It widens perspective, increases your capacity to listen, encourages self-reflection, and leads to a more honest, gentle disposition. All of these things may very well result in your feeling better, but how you feel isn’t the goal. 

A lack of gratitude is often the outworking of a selfish mindset, not the result of tragic circumstances. This is an important but often neglected distinction.

So the next time you’re faced with someone who’s life has been torn apart by loss, please do not tell them to be grateful. It’s useless and dismissive.

Being with a grieving person is profoundly uncomfortable. When someone attempts to come to the aid of a person in pain, they often try to mask that lack of comfort with ridiculous bromides. Gratitude is the most fashionable of these. Unfortunately it almost never makes it better. If anything, it makes it worse. The advice attempts to “get somewhere”, instead of honoring the pain that exists in the here and now. 

Instead of offering some sort of gratitude-infused platitude, stand with your loved one in silence. Be uncomfortable with her, no matter how awful it makes you feel. Listen to her, hold her, stand with her. Doing any of this will foster a thousand times more peace than any sort of gratitude exercise ever could.

Gratitude doesn’t erase grief. Nor should it. It is not an antidote to loss, nor could it ever be. 

You don’t honor grief with gratitude. You honor grief by grieving. 

 

I'm Tim, and The Adversity Within is a blog dedicated to examining the topic of resilience in the face of adversity, while inspiring readers to stand headstrong in their grief and fight for their own evolution. Living with cerebral palsy and epilepsy, I explore topics like post-traumatic growth, survival, and self-reliance. No one should face adversity alone. Subscribe to my mailing list below for free weekly writings delivered to your inbox, and follow me along on Facebook and Twitter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Becky, how are you doing these days? How did the procedure go? Hope the next few days will be more comfortable for you.

Dee, thank you for sharing that music with us. She is indeed a little angel. I have always loved that song.

Hoosier Guy, I have a fairly large garden and have always grown plants that attract the birds, butterflies and bees. We have read may reports lately of the dwindling Bee population. The Bees are always buzzing around our property as we never use any pesticides, etc.  

Leah, if you are reading...I am thinking of you at this time. Hope all is well your way.

Well, we shopped like crazy today stocking up on provisions for yet another predicted blizzard to start on Christmas Day. What the Sam? It sure looks like the North Pole up here for sure. Still, the temps are lovely. Today it reached a high of -1C.

Thinking of everyone this evening and wishing you all a really peaceful evening.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Nothing wrong with letting your mind wander...the scenario is one of justice, even if pretty violent. I think fantasizing about a rough end for the person who took Jake's life is quite a normal response of such an abnormal event in your lives.

Susan, I agree with the article you posted, though I am grateful for the time I had wiht my Girl...I sure didn't want anyone telling me that when we first were dealing with our deep ache. We simply do not teach about grief in this country nor in many others. Kids watch shows where everything is settled by the end of the half hour and all is well. They play video games wehre they get points for killing someone and in those games, the characters get another life if they can do some wild move...so there are very unrealistic views of death and the aftermath of loss is never discussed. I can honestly say that my students over the last 13 years, have a realistic handle on what families do when someone dies young. They can ask questions and I answer whatever I can as honestly as I can.

Gotta go to bed now, super emotional day today, very emotional. One of Erica's good friends came to visit which was super lovely but we cry she and I. There was a dress rehearsal today at shcool and as I have said, kids singing just makes me cry, I have no recourse. And one of my students told me a sad and worrisome story about abuse so tomorrow, I have to all the protective services. Heavy heart.

Goodnight All

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

One does not become known as the 'grieving parent'....but grief does change...that is why I call my grief ..the grief journey...where I started on this journey is not where I am now.....but grief does change you. It can be a slippery slope in not becoming bitter. I am not a better person because I lost John David...I was a pretty good person anyway...but I do have a deeper layer of empathy and compassion than I have ever had. I do not know how to explain it...it just is.

   I had to 'cocoon'....I cancelled every civic and social event..and stopped all my responsibilities to organizations....that was the best thing I did for myself. In this 4th year of the grief journey...I still have not re-joined but I have gone to some social/town events.

There simply is no right way or wrong way...you are the Star of your movie....the main character of your book...the bad news is time flies...the good news is you are the pilot.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello   to   all   INDIGOS.........the board is quiet at  these  few days.......I ,  so,  understand.

 

Hoosierguy........I'm glad that you have come back to this site.  We, as parents, need all

the help we can get, and there is likely no place else where you will  get the compassion

and understanding that you can get here.  Wishing you, so very new on this sad road,

peace & comfort and strength.

 

Davey &Lisasmom,   Sherry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
InHeavensKeeping

Becky the tree is beautiful I love the thought that JDis watching and part of what your doing xx. Your new grand daughter is such a picture God Bless her xx 

Dee thank you for your words of support couldn't of survived without it xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.