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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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CARA, I missed your Beautiful Birthday. May it have been a beautiful party among all of our Angels, with music and endless joy, beauty all around you, like the beauty you exude.

Lora, I am sorry to have missed Cara's birthday, but here you are having found ways to get through her day, Thanksgiving, and now mourning the loss of Kitty, all while working three jobs. God bless you. I wish you some deep sleep and the sense of peace that comes to us from Angels.

 

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Gretchen, I am so sorry that you are looking for your dog, that he is missing. I am sending deep prayers that he is found safe and returned to you.

Susan, I love that you named your cat after your friend who passed away...what a lovely gesture. I know what you mean, it is hard to not call out the name of someone you are missing.

Georgina, you didn't let anyone down here...we all get what sometimes gets in our way of posting each day, it is simply life, and we are all of us, busy dealing with it. You have nothing to apologize for.

Love to All, sleep well.

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JD's Mom, Becky

So very sorry for those who have gone through their Angel's birthdays or angeldates, added to the stress of the holidays. My heart goes out to all of you, Lora, Georgina, Diane, Gretchen 

I am still having big problems with my right eye, and the drops don't seem to be helping. I go back next Monday, so will find out what treatment comes next. Very frustrating. Plus I had another tooth fall out day before yesterday, so went to my dentist yesterday, and it wasn't good news. My jawbone on top is so deteriorated from osteoporosis, that they can't put the crown back in, and now they plan to remove the other 5 teeth I have left on top, and make a denture. I will find out when I go eback how much that will cost. I hope insurance will pay some of it at least. 

Then I went to see my Diabetic Dr, and they called back today with my blood work results, and my sugar levels were great! Heart, lungs, kidneys all good. Isn't that wonderful? So even when I have no teeth, can't walk, and can't see ****, I will continue to live. Omg. I just don't know what to think anymore. 

The best part of my busy day yesterday was last evening, I was in my recliner and fell asleep watching the news and thinking of my Jared, when I felt someone tap me three times on my bare right shoulder, which woke me up and I said "what"? rather sharply, only to look around and realize nobody was there. I had an overwhelming feeling that it was my angel, just letting me know he was there and watching over me. I have had signs over these five plus years, but never anything like that! Wow!! I was telling my daughter, Jasmine about it, and we agreed that he would be laughing at my initial reaction. 

I went over to his urn, kissed the top and told him, "stay with me son".

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Right on Becky, it sounds like Jared was letting you know that after a hard day with doctors/dentists, he was hanging out with you...I love our Angels...I wish you better news for your vision and the teeth, it is so hard to manage these things...and expensive I know. I have told insurance companies that I will pay in full, but not on their pay schedule, on one I can afford. As long as I make a monthly payment, they see I am working in good faith to do just that. Peace Girl.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....you just take all this one day at a time....I do hope your eye Dr. has some solutions for you.....if not...can you go to another ? Sometimes a person has to search for the right Dr. for another diagnosis...and right treatment. I do hope you get some healing. Sorry about your teeth...but when the bone goes..it is time for dentures. Dentures have come a long way and many friends tell me they can be made to fit so very well now.

Remember about 2 years ago...insomnia had me sitting in front of the computer screen about 2 AM....and I heard a 'whistle' behind me....I still hear a 'whistle'...it is very random. I think our angels try to touch us when we are sleeping or distracted...so not to alarm us....just in a soft way. I know your boy is beside you. Sending prayers for your healing.

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InHeavensKeeping

Lora I too am so sorry for missing Cara's Birthday you make such an effort with us with the photos you create  and I know as Diane says that it truly helps knowing that others care and help us through.  I'm just struggling, so tired and worn out its so hard  I wish I could make a photo for you too  Xx 

Thank you Dee and Diane  for understanding  Xx 

 

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Georgina, just like our Babies, we are each of us a snowflake, made different by the manner in which we came to this earth and our loves and losses, each of us supporting the other in ways unique to them...you give us so much, I hope you know, your pretty graphics, sending music and verse...we create a circle of care and unity, always able to make room for our next member...our circle gets bigger but never closes.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lora, thinking of your sweet Cara tonight. These are some images that come to mind when I think of her. Thank you so much for all the beautiful graphics you share of our angels that warm the hearts of those here.

Sending love and a hug.

 

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Death does not end those special bonds that tie us to our children...and them to us....
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Good evening to all.   38 years ago today I was holding our firstborn daughter full of love, wonder and amazement at the gift we had been given.  I remember looking at her and telling her how I loved her and what a beautiful life we would have .   I remember wondering what plans God had for her future, what would she grow up to be.  Never in any of my thoughts and dreams for her did I even imagine that at 33 years old she would be taken from us.  Today is the 5th birthday without her.  It seems like yesterday that she entered our lives and it also seems like yesterday that she left.    My heart is heavy tonight and I miss her so.  But, I am also thankful for the 33 years we had together, and am thankful that we did see her grow up and become a 1st grade teacher.  We also had a beautiful life with her.  The birth of her sister,  Much laughter, tears and growing together.  Weddings, grandchildren and precious memories.  So while we miss her and my arms ache to hold her again, I am so blessed to have had you in my life Sarah Dawn and am so very thankful for that day 38 years ago when I held you in my arms.   I now hold you in my heart until we meet again.    I love you!       Mama. 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, I don't think I got the chance yet so say how much I enjoy hearing that the sea angel continues to give blessings out to others...thanks for sharing that.

Dee, I think of there was a poem you wrote about the beginning of winter that was shared once, do you have that? I think it was Footprints in the Snow...

Sherry, how are things with you?

Becky, I am sorry to hear of your physical ailments...I think grief is so hard on the body and the heart. I still feel like my heart "pinches" at times, and like I cannot get air. I am glad to hear that the exam for the diabetes went well though...

Kate, how are things up there? Shannon, Mary Ann, Colleen so many, I send out warm thoughts to all those Indigoes who have shared their beautiful children here.

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

I finally was able to log in tonight. I've been so busy with Aiden's home school and getting things ready for winter. I had my brother here... again... for a month and a half... trying to help... trying to get him in to treatment. He chose not... and things ended how they have been 'ending' for the past twenty years... it's hard. When I look at him I see my little brother... the one I raised... he always says I was his Mom... I guess that's why I keep doing what I do after everyone else has stopped answering the phone... but I had to let him go... again... for my own sanity. I had my niece stay for a week while she was out of school and then a week long visit from Nonny (Aiden cried when she walked in the door and said... I don't know why I'm crying when I'm so happy... ) So, it's been a busy and emotional few weeks. I know I've missed a lot. I read when I can (we also had our computer go down). 

I know I've missed some special days. I will have some time to catch up a little soon. 

I put my tree up before Thanksgiving. It was mostly convenience. I had to get a new one and I could either store it for a month or put it up. We put it up and decorated it for fall. For the days leading to Thanksgiving we added notes to the tree about things we were thankful for and read them on Thanksgiving. Now it's decorated for Christmas. I'm doing better this year. It's hard... very very hard... but I'm trying to be hopeful. I miss my Tris terribly and have been dreaming of her. Zak will turn 18 in February and will graduate this year. This is my last year, my last holiday season, where my child will still be a child. It's also been hitting me that we are nearing and surpassing all those milestones that I never got to see with Tris... that's hard to accept still...  But... my husband is well, for the first time he is here and healthy for the holidays... and for that I'm thankful... my boys are well and I want to appreciate this time for what I have. Aiden is 7. He is so excited about everything and believes in the magic. I realized how short a time it really is between when they really understand the magic and when they stop believing in it... just a few years really... I hope I have and will teach my kids to keep believing... even if it's a different kind of magic. 

I've met and been working with a local shaman. It's been really interesting. I keep trying new paths in this search for whatever it is I'm searching for. 

I'm really really tired. The past couple of months with my brother and with the holidays looming have drained me. I'm thinking of all and will get some time to catch up soon. 

Love, Shannon

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Staying the night with Allison tonight her marriage is on the rocks as usual husband out of the house.

The good news bobby called and my dog came home!! I had given him up for dead. Thought the neighbors shot him but I wrongly blamed them in my head. So the fact he is home and realizing the neighbors hadn't been responsible helped me through this awful turmoil the kids are going through.

Becky glad to see you. I definitely think forest and Jared are together and forest urged him to give you a big sign after seeing how I have been feeling :) so glad you got one loud and clear.

Shannon  so glad to hear from you! Think of you and tris often. I love the magic you bring to the world. This is my east window that fills my mornings with rainbows

This is me this morning. My twinsie pic with forest's lol.don't know why it is sideways 20161202_082752.jpg

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Sarah Dear, this day will forever mark the definition of JOY for your Momma, you came to her this day...Nothing in the world can take that poetry from your Momma's heart.

Sandy, knowing the pain and ache you have endured these many years, I am glad to hear that you are finding your way. I know that your Sweet Angel Girl is watching over her Girls, you and your Husband, her Sis and Children. While not here physically, she is a force of good in your lives for all time.

 

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Gretchen, you aren't kidding, you and Forest share a similar look indeed. How nice to look in the mirror and see his traits right there. I am thrilled that your Dog came home but so sad that your Daughter is dealing with the sadness of an un-well marriage. It takes so much wind out of our sails to see the unhappiness and to try to help out. Love your rainbow window.

 

Shannon, you sure have had a chock-full couple of months. I am happy that your husband has found his stride and is healthy and able to be with you Three. I am sorry for the way your Brother cannot heal and find his motivation to do so. My Nephew too, an addict who is unable to work, cannot drive due to his many issues and no insurance and who could trust him behind a wheel anyway? I know that his telling you that you were a mom to him only pulls on your obligati0ory and your actual love for him, but as you keep finding out, it has to be within him to find his way clear of drugs.

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Sandy knowing that sadness and love that pull on your heart as you remember your Sarah's birthday and life. The wishing for a longer time together the thankfulness for the sweet time you had. May angels bathe your heart in comfort

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HAPPY........HEAVENLY......BIRTHDAY.......ANGEL  SARAH.   SEND YOUR SMILE ON A

MOONBEAM AND PUT EXTRA LIGHT IN YOUR STAR TONIGHT,  TO WARM YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR  MAMA'S  DEAR  HEART.

Thinking of you, Sandy, and wishing you peace.  

  

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Laurie, thanks for asking for this...I hadn't read it in some time...you have an incredible memory to remember the title and everything....Written years ago in response to coming to terms with  Erica's death.

 

Footprints in the snow

 

Was a time that even my footprints in the snow could not lead me back home.

Though clearly marked,

the shell that housed my life, my belongings was simply that,

 

In that time, I was like a crab, searching for a new home

a bigger shell to house not only what was-

but all that changed in that tiny moment.

 

All that would become.

I needed to build a new home that could house the good right next to the tragic,

I needed a much bigger home in order to sustain my new life-

a foot in both worlds.

 

Eventually, the home was built though construction continues

an unending process I have learned,

and accepted.

And now my footprints in the snow lead me home,

lying parallel like railroad tracks to those first steps.

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Thank you for all of the kind words and thoughts .   I am grateful for everyone here and to know that when I can't share with others, that you are all here and you truly understand when the dark days come.    You are all very special.

Have a restful evening.

Sandy

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The snow is falling, our season's first, I am made peaceful by it, happy to see it cover the world around me, soften shapes, soften sounds. I walked through the building snow earlier, and now, the light that rooftops give off by being covered in white is simply beautiful. I feel it restores some sense to the world, when the season actually produces the weather it should. My Girl walked along with me, in me. I scooted my feet in a big field, writing her name in GIGANTIC letters to shine to heaven. Erica loved the snow. I walked past the hill that we used to sled down, and there were about 10 kids enjoying the newly fallen snow. That laughter and energy causes a light inside of me.

Peace to you All

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InHeavensKeeping

Sandy I'm sorry I missed Sarah's Angelversaray I hope you felt her presence near you throughout the day God Bless xx

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee Thankyou so much for your kind words and support.  You and others here have helped me so much at times when I have been at Rock bottom Thank you xx

i really love the poem too  and the way you decribe the first snow I can really picture the scene. James loved the snow too we don't get much here but he'd rush around getting everyone out in it no matter what the time just to enjoy every minute. 

I've been ill the last few days just do not seem to have the stamina I used to. 

I thought I'd share this I say the words in the chorus "when will I see you again" over and over.  Love to all gxxx 

 

 

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Sandy, I also missed posting yesterday but I do hope you felt some peace and were wrapped in the love of your sweet Sarah. 

I so love that writing, Dee... Footprints in the Snow. We haven't had any snow yet but my soul is craving it for the same reasons you describe in your last post. Your walk sounds so peaceful and beautiful. I also write Trista's name in the Snow.

 It's been a relaxing weekend. We needed it. After my last post my brother showed up at my house at 2 am, he was under the influence and with a friend (probably one of the last he had left). He had promised this friend $100 to drive him the almost three hours to my house. Of course there was no money and the friend actually felt bad leaving him to me but had no choice. It was awful. We got no sleep that night and my husband, who had to leave for work at 4:30, spent the next two hours looking up programs and buying him a bus ticket. He knew I just couldn't do it and he has a lot of compassion for my brother because he's been there too. But he also knows if he has any chance it will be because everyone stops fixing it for him. 

He didn't go to treatment but we tried. 

I've spent most of the afternoon just reading in front of the fire. I'm tired. There is rabbit stew in the crock pot and it smells wonderful. I'm reading the book by Victor E. Frankl... Man's Search for Meaning. I'm feeling very reflective. 

I pulled out Trista's holiday socks. I still wear them. She loved the holidays so much. I gave her holiday sweaters to her friends, her holiday earrings to her grandma because that was their thing and I wear her socks. I also painted my nails with her nail polish, Christmas colors. It may be odd that I do these things for her but i do. 

Gretchen, I'm so glad your dog came home! I've been reading about some of your recent experiences. I am so thankful that you shared them here. I love your Forest twin picture. I can see so much of him in you. I see Tris in the mirror sometimes and I'm so glad I do. I love those glimpse and the glimpses of her I see in her brothers. 

 

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Good to see you Shannon, and I am so sorrry that your Brother returned while using. So so hard to help/not help.

Glad you like the poem, I know you and I have- liking snow in common. you relax some more if you can, remember that thee most important person to all three of your Kids is YOU!

 

Georgina, James and the others are having a snowball fight on our behalf. I want you to lay down, take a load off, drink plenty of water and tea and soups. Treat yourself the way you would a friend, blankets and pillows, small meals and quiet. Rest Georgina, shhhh. Just rest.

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Mermaid Tears

Finally....I can get 'on'.....Lora and Sandy....I am sharing what I print screened for each of you....then...I could not get online....had to go out of town for the week-end...

I want each of you that has lost 'that daughter...that Baby Girl...the Pink Power of the house'....that I have a very sacred layer of grieving for you...as I have said before..I don't know what it is like to have lost a daughter...or an only son...there are so many shades of grief.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...thank you for sharing that poem again....I copied all the poems you shared...they touch me and all of us...in common ground we all walk. Where each parent and child have their own special story....there are some common parts of the grief story.

Shannon....good to hear from you. Am so sorry to hear that your brother is being torn with addiction. I think it must be like watching your loved one slipping off a cliff and your strong arms can't catch them...your feet cannot run fast enough. I am lifted up in that your husband is home...he is clean and healthy. That is a sign that prayers are answered. You have had to shoulder so much...am hoping that your trials and tribulations...your good times and joy...can now be shared. I will pray harder for your brother. I so understand why you wear the socks...and paint your nails...do anything that gives you a sliver of honoring that girl...your girl. I love the way you always address Tris as 'my girl'...that is the way I call my Randa. What have you learned from the Shaman ? Gretchen has shared all that she is learning and I so enjoy the learning curve.

Gretchen....I so see the Mama in the Boy....the Boy in the Mama. Good DNA there. So glad your dog returned. My daughter and family live outside town in Sandy Creek Estates...the homes are on 5 acre plots and have no fencing....they have had two dogs that simply vanished....we suspect they were picked up. You had a good ending to your doggie story. Sorry to hear your daughter is having family troubles...her saving light is that you are there beside her and helping out. I so remember when I started having family troubles...and I was living in Mississippi and all my family were in Texas. When my feet were on Texas turf...after 2 years of trying so hard to make it all 'right' again....and I was back with my parents, GRANDparents and family....I was so comforted.

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Susan-----thank you for posting those lovely screen shots.  they are so true and 

inspirational.

Dee-----Love your poem  "Footprints In The Snow".  We had a little snow last

week, but it quickly melted the next day.   My brother in Syracuse has about 20 inches

of snow in a storm not long ago.   He likes it, though.......good thing. :)

 

Georgina-------I do hope that you will feel better soon.  Sometimes it is so difficult

to keep on going, and when illness strikes, it is extra hard.  As Dee said,......take

care of your self, and get as much rest as you can.  Peace to you.

 

Shannon----thinking of you, and sending prayers for your brother.

 

PEACE  AND   COMFORT  TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, thank you for sharing the poems. As I re-read that poem, I have become aware of how much has passed since I first read that piece. The writing was a marker in time for me. We too have a lot of snow right now...I had to help my son and his girlfriend get tires for their vehicles today. It is the heavy wet stuff here.

Georgina, I am sorry it has been such a rough spot for you. They seem to come and then lesson for a bit. Sending you gentle thoughts. 

Shannon, it was good to see your post though I am sorry your brother is having such a hard time. Hugs.

Gretchen, I too see your son Forest in you. I love the pic of your front window with all the sparkle decor. Very warm and comforting.

Susan, thank you for sharing all you do. I missed your posts. 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....factor in my computer having minor meltdowns....(I think Daniel has it fixed now)....being busy....out of town....Christmas....has been the reasons I have not been able to post often. Here we are in our '4th year on the grief journey'....we have learned to carry our grief...our boys...in our own unique way. At the beginning when the 'shock suit' fits so very tight....the trauma of John David leaving this earth home made me feel paralyzed. This year brings a yearning and longing that surpasses the homesick feeling I use to get....when I was young and living away from my Texas home and family. Before I lost John David I would get homesick for my parents and Grandparents and family that had passed. I would back track in memory to our family home...and let all the memories come in focus. There were times when it seemed like John David was 'living away from home'....like when he was in the Navy. This 4th year shatters that perception. I do know he is in his 1st home.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, I would agree that the full reality of the passing of our sons has been realized this year. That this is the way it is; and that like you wrote above, that our children are in their first home whether we like it or not. There is less escapism this year. I look at the calendar and it is truly (and sadly) remarkable that this amount of time has passed since I last saw my son.

Yet in some ways, it still feels like yesterday, like he should be here.

***********************************************************************************************************

I have found myself still needing a lot of space of from other people. I am sometimes not very tolerant of other people's ideas of what suffering is, or when others complain about certain inconvenient aspects of their life, which to me are the equivalent of a hang nail. 

Last night my daughter came home from church after watching a film put out by a very popular christian film maker. The film just threw her into a bad tailspin. Basically, what was being peddled in the film is if you do the "right" things, pray the right prayers, or whatever, that everything will be just as it should be, all wrongs/tragedies in a person's life will magically turn around. 

Not so. 

It was not until this morning she was sort of settled down again. I told her to be much more careful of the reading or watching material that she allows in, especially of those peddling life philosophies or ideologies of what they think everyone's life should look like. I told her much of what people push is just garbage by someone who has no clue. 

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I am just quickly stopping by to say "Hello" to everyone and so sorry that I have missed so many special angel dates. With every special occasion we find ourselves drifting back towards thoughts of our beloved child. That is the new normal. I agree with Laurie in that we can not let others direct us as to how we should deal with this. As well intentioned as they may be...they will never get it unless they go through it themselves...and so they are not in a position to offer advice. With time we are expected to pick ourselves up and keep on as if nothing has happened. It makes it less stressful for them to witness. We all know that we will never be able to go back as if nothing has changed. It has. And so we slowly go about working through our loss in our own way. We make friends and also lose many. We irritate our families often as they just want to be able to go back to their own lives  without having to feel that they need to offer support. Their families are intact and it makes them feel somehow guilty. We keep getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other. Time passes quickly and before long the days turn into years. It still seems like only yesterday to us. We have learned new ways to cope and hide our pain. But the biggest thing that I have learned is that I can do this my way. I know I will see my son again. I know he is dead. I also know that this life is temporary for all of us. I lean on my faith when I am feeling at my lowest. I hold fast to the knowledge that I will be with him again one day. Somehow, that helps me to carry this awful loss and makes it bearable.

We have just finished our first official winter blizzard. As much as I hate deep snow and the cold I woke up to a magical scene. Everything covered in a carpet of pure white snow. It is really breathtaking to see. Perfect for Christmas time. I hope that this season... as much as it is a sad time for us all will also bring a form of comfort to all that are missing their child. Never lose hope. They are always with us. We will see them again. Love to all,

 

Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...your words wrapped up what many of us are feeling...and just as our relationship with our child is unique...we each find our unique way of coping...and hanging on to faith with both hands. Snow....wow.....your Christmas spirit fell from the sky.

Laurie....I was taught...by my family....that life is not fair. Please tell Christina that it is quite impossible to think if we 'think' just right...do 'all the things right'...work hard..and 'think' positive....that all will fall in place...your life will be wonderful and nothing bad or challenging will happen. That is myth. That is fairy tale. That is a crock. I do believe in positive thinking. I have always been a positive person...but that does not mean that my life has been sugar coated...or kept tragedy from striking. We are given two ears....you can listen to another with one ear.....you can listen to your inner voice with the other.

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Just signing in quickly to tell a story…

Today for science class Aiden and I were discussing solids, liquids, and gasses. I was explaining the changes depending on temperature and Aiden says… It’s kind of like when you go through transition. I said… What do you mean… transition? He says… Like when you transition from being human and you still exist but you can’t be seen the same way… like you’re not a solid anymore. It’s more like you’re part of the air… Like when Sissy transitioned.

‘Transition’ is not a word I would typically use when talking about Tris. I say she ‘passed’, usually because it’s something most people understand. I’m sure he picked it up somewhere but here I am focused totally on science… not thinking anything ‘spiritual’…  but leave it to Aiden. It meant a lot to me because I’ve been missing her so much.

More later, hopefully. <3

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Shannon, I think that Tris has been teaching her little Bro...I love that he made that correlation. What a Kid! What a Sweetie.

Susan, did you write that poem about the Nomad tribe? It is lovely. It speaks of our lives for sure.

Laurie, your Sweet Daughter...I am so glad that she can come to you and let you know what troubled her. We all have our own belief systems, it is not fair for others to state that this is the way...there are so many ways. We all know that great things don't always happen even when we follow all of the rules... we all know that losing a Son, Daughter, Sister and Brother means life just turned on a friggin dime, Your Girl lost the witness to her life, is the minister saying it is because she did not pray enough? Tell your Girl we have her back, we have her heart.

I am praying for the 36 young lives that perished in the fire in Oakland, California on Saturday. God knows, and so do we, how terror has filled the lives of those families and friends of the Angels who left so soon. May they be creating their art in the heavenly world. May our Angels have helped them...transition. (thank you Aidan for the good word).

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, Kate, and Susan, Thanks for all the notes for Christina. I am not sure of the rest of the conversation that followed this film, only that she felt like the rug was ripped out from under her. She has been struggling a little harder lately with her grief. Our other kids suffer too and it is so hard to hold the pieces together at times. 

Shannon, I like the word Aiden used too. His description was perfect. I said prayers for your brother and his struggles. My older sister had drug issues too, it was a hard long struggle, it just seemed like the drugs took her over. I do believe that at some point it just becomes an illness. 

Kate, good to see your post. I can imagine your snug home under that blanket of snow. Do you have a pic of Jeff's tree for this year? I know his angel date is nearing. Hugs. 

Georgina, Dianne, thinking of you both.

Sending gentle thoughts to all...

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon...out of the mouths of babes....comes the clear truth. I do believe our children...did transition..left the earth home...to their first home..in such a way. One can see orbs in photos....orbs of energy. I will try to post something that Gretchen posted years ago....

I found it...hope all can read it...

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral.docx

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Mermaid Tears

I re-read this often....hope all the parents will do their best to find 'hope' in this season...

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Hope is hard to find especially at the holidays isn't it? A reminder of who is not there with you which leaves your heart aching although you fake it all for the rest of the family.

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Mermaid Tears

Tommy's mum.....yes...hope is hard to find during the holidays....I start my 'dread walking' in October...and wish I could pole vault over it all and land on my feet in January.....but....I have my family....John David's brothers and sister and my GRANDchildren. John David would be the first to tell me...'Mom...get it together..for the family."   We have a large family...and I want the traditions to be carried on...so I move forward. I know that I am not alone on this grief journey and I find great solace in knowing how others are coping and finding ways to hang on. It never gets easier....I have learned how to carry the weight of grief better or like you say...learning how to fake it.

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Thanks Susan for posting the metaphysical talk, LOVE IT>

Tommy's Mum, you bet it is hard to find hope after losing a Child. For me, I had to start some new traditions to mark this new time without My Girl. I haven't had a tree but once since she died in 2003. I just am not interested in the way it feels to unpack those precious ornaments and wrap them back up again. I will give some to my Son who happily lives 3 blocks away with his wonderful family. My husband and I put a few new ornaments on the house plants, that's about it. Oh and we put a few glittery stalks in our stair-window boxes. I also go downtown every day-after-Thanksgiving to watch the Lions at the Art Museum receive their holiday wreaths around their necks. So that was something I started doing after Eri died, it is how I kick off the holidays. I go alone, go for a cold walk along the Chicago lakefront and find my peace.  I always adopt a family at the holiday time, have since the kids were little and that tradition still holds the magic of the season for me. I have my whole third grade class adopt a family and we shop online, the kids families donate money and we receive all of the gifts to wrap and deliver to a local church that delivers the gifts to the families. The money I spend is my gift to my husband...who wants nothing in the way of gifts except some good dark chocolate and a pizza. I buy a lot of fun stuff for our two Grandies, Erica who is 3.5, and Mike who is 2.  It takes time to find out what you still want to do, can still do. Let the family know if you can't do it as you used to, explaining that the thought of trying to replicate it could just make you too sad. Maybe you can all find a Child or Adult on a local list who is in need of Christmas help and do something like that as a new way to open your hearts to outreach. It is a win/win when we help someone else, we begin to find a bit of healing as we assist others, we feel the smile of our Gone-too-soon Babies.

 

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Mermaidtears i guess it'ss harder when you are on your own like i am. A reassuring hug from someone would really help but I make do with my ginger cat Spartacus!! my parents and fave sister live very close by and i am lucky to have them help and support me. I have just heard my nasty ex has decided to scatter our son's ashes in my home town after months of fighting with me and wants to do it dec 28th. That makes the whole holiday season harder huh? i dont feel ready but then i don't think i will ever feel ready so just gotta do it. It is a miracle in itself that he changed his mind i guess. ericasmom I decided to spend the money i would have on Tommy to donate to our local homeless shelter. Once Tommy was homeless in the middle of his addictions and he was helped by others so that will be my annual gift to him at xmas. i hope when Im better to volunteer there to give back to a community who so desperately want to be seen as human beings and not just losers. i also get tree ornaments every year and this year I want to start a collection for my kids to have for their own trees as they are grown up. My collection of special ornaments are ones my kids made over the years or ones they chose for me or ones I bought for them or places we have visited so it is chock a block full of memories. i ordered one for my son Tommy this year just with his name and the date he died on it that feels right. I try to keep our family traditions up too but every other year i have to celebrate early with my kids as they go to their dads. this year is his year so we will celebrate next sun instead. The kids have offered to put up decorations as I am having another ankle surgery on thurs and will be non weight bearing and in a cast for a few weeks. I used to love Xmas but now the joy and magic is gone and i fake it for my family. i know time heals and in time i will find the enjoyment again but I still can't get my head around the fact that Tommy won't ever be with us again for Xmas or any other celebration and my heart shatters again. It feels good to talk to other mums who understand how i feel and some of the quotes that are posted are comforting or thought provoking. i value people's comments and thoughts and am glad I found this site.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee.....I so remember the night I 'found this site'....it was in December. Tommy's Mum....insomnia comes with this kind of grief...and one night I was looking something else up on the internet....and this site came up....I do feel as if I was guided to it. On this site...many caring hearts and hands reached out to me....and I discovered I wasn't going crazy....I was just in deep mourning. This kind of grief is so very dark and heavy. This kind of grief is also very exhausting. My tree is like yours....all are ornaments the kids made....ornaments given from my parents...grandparents....friends....just a memory on every branch. We always get a real tree....and even that trip has become a hard trip....one where I take many deep breaths....swallow hard...and let our granddaughter, Pibby, pick out the tree and make a big deal out of which one to get....I want her memories to be fun and happy ones....not memories of her Nonnie being sad. It is hard but when we have a purpose...and that purpose is keeping traditions and making happy memories for our adult children/grandchildren....it gives us the energy to carry on. We scattered John David's ashes on the anniversary of his passing....in Port Aransas....on the Lydia Ann Channel...in front of the Lydia Ann lighthouse...he fished there many times. I wish you a day of quiet peace...it is a sacred experience....to return their ashes to the earth. I am sure your son ...who is in his first home....approves and will let his love for his family be known. I received a sign....and I knew it was from John David....I had asked that he let me know what we were doing. I hope your surgery goes well....we tell all parents to 'self care'....this kind of grief can impact one with many physical and emotional health issues. One of the parents on this site...I call her our Warrior Mom will be the first to implore you to 'self care'....she had to fight for justice for her son....he was run over by a distracted driver...and with her heavy grief..and all she did finally broke her health....she is slowly...slowly healing a tiny bit day by day. I had...and still have bad insomnia...I tried walking in the parks...but there was a memory under every tree...so I bought a treadmill for my home....now I walk and watch either Netflix or Amazon...it doesn't cure it....but it is better...and I will take better than nothing.

The world wide Candle Lighting is this Sunday....7 PM....

ScreenShot490.jpg

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TearsInHeaven

I haven't posted in a little bit but most of the time I try to read here.   Just kind of feeling out of sorts and disconnected inside.  Still functioning but just kind of weird. Probably the one- two punch of Michael's date and the holidays. Plus this cold weather.  I see where many of you enjoy the snow and cold but I never have been a cold weather person and the older I get the more I really don't like it.  Add on snow and I cringe! Fall and crisp-good.....Spring and new-good....summer and warm-ok... but winter and I never have seen eye to eye.

Laurie-thanks for gentle thoughts. With all that is going on in your life, I appreciate you thinking of me.

Gretchen- Forest looks so much like you!

Dee- your poems are food for the soul. Your words paint a picture.. .Even without being put into poetry.  I read about your Christmas ways and those too paint a picture to see.  Like Erica sitting on a star.... I will always have that visual.

Susan-as always your words and your collection of inspirations are a source of comfort and wisdom.  I think the one

ScreenShot476.jpg is probably where I am finding myself now. Thank you for finding that and for reminding us about the Candle Lighting tomorrow.  I would have forgotten.  I came across this site shortly after I lost Michael and all of you have been such a help to get me this far along.

Tommy's Mum- my heart goes out to you with all you have dealt with regarding Tommy's ashes. You can keep a small amount with you.If it gives you comfort, then it is the right thing to do. But know that he is always with you in your heart where no one can take that from you.

Soothing thoughts of bits of contentment ---my wish to all of you.

 

 

 

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tearsinheaven thanks. my children feel v strongly that they dont want their brother's ashes split so i can;t have any although that is my dearest wish. i need to let that wish go and abide by their wishes. I have tried to persuade them but to no avail. Because I tried to kill myself last year when I was demented with grief I have to show them that their desire is stronger than my own I have a lot to make up with them as I let them down so badly last year when I was so mentally unwell.Tommy will always be with me no matter what. I have a lock of his hair and his handprints and memories. I ca't look at old photos it is too raw still.

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne....I think it is VERY normal to feel out of sorts...sorta weird...I think all parents that deal with this kind of grief have that unbalanced way of going through our days. As for me....it is a learning curve to live in this 'new normal'....which is abnormal in that our child does not walk this earth home. We have to face each morning that the life we use to have is gone forever. That was then...This is now. When we have such a vast disconnect in 'the way we were'....it is like being plucked down in a foreign land...not knowing the language...having no map or compass. We have to find a new way to travel in this foreign place. We can call it coping..functioning. I call it surviving. Some days 'it is as good as it gets'...it doesn't get better. I have to 'pet myself' when that black cloud moves in front of my sun. There will be an instant memory....or a song...or a phrase that can catch me and I spiral down. I let myself sink...I allow myself permission to own and honor my mourning..sorrow...and missing my boy. Not all days are dark. I do have gratitude for my blessings and when the good days are with me...it energizes my spirit and lifts me and I can embrace my family with joy and happy times.

Dee....I remember the first December without John David and I made a statement to Daniel and Randa that I didn't think I would put up a tree that year...Randa looked like I had hit her with a frying pan....and she said...'Mom..we didn't die'. I so understand your decision not to put up a tree....for it hard for me to unwrap all those decorations that has a memory. I also had a strong urge to 'run away'....get out of town...go away..flee. I have that same 'flight' urgency ....but it doesn't come as often or as strong. That December I dreaded opening the boxes...I just wanted to 'go away' and not have to face it.

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Susan, for me that first December found Jonathan at 22 not wanting a tree...not at his Dad's nor my home. I made he and his Dad a book of photos, in fact the last day I saw Erica alive and well in July of 2003, I had all of the photos on the floor as I had planned to make she and Jon a photo album of their lives to give them for Christmas. So instead, I made one for Jon and one for he and ERi's dad. A labor of love at a very raw time. Michael, my ex, had a tree the following years until his death, 6 years after Erica. One year, Jon asked," hey mom, want to go out and get a tree?" And because he asked and was excited, I was excited too. We went out and found a tree and brought it my home, and we got the boxes out of old beautiful ornaments. and his old LGB train set to put around the tree. He did not stay that long to decorate, I think taht it was too hard. I decorated and he and his wife came over to open gifts of course, but on Christmas night, the tree simply fell down. I laughed, saying that Erica was telling me it was okay to not have a tree. I packed it all away, and that is where those little treasures stay. I will take a few out to put in a basket or a clear vase for decoration. I will take some to the kids for their two trees. We find our way...somehow we find our way. Thanks for reminding aobut the lighting ceremony, I too would have forgotten.

Tommy's Mum, I am glad that you find ways to help out in Tommy's name. For me, it is what I feel best about, the outreach. I feel Eri inside m heart clapping. When she and Jon were little we would pack grocery bags full of foods and plastic silverware and drive downtown to a place where many homeless folks lived, under the road, called Lower Wacker Drive. The kids and I would take the bags out and leave them where the folks could get them...always leaving some extra gloves and hats and hand-me-downs as well. We also always adopted a family to assist. Erica was the biggest cheerleader of that kind of helping out.

Dianne, I know that discombobulated feeling. I am sorry that things feel this way. I am also sorry that winter is not your friend. I know that if I did not like winter, I would have a harder time at the holiday time, but I love the way the sky takes on colors different than any other time, I love the quiet that winter ushers in, the long shadows on the snow in late afternoon. I love my long quiet walks iwth Erica in the snow. I am holding your hands and giving them a squeeze, I am hoping that you feel your Boy in all you do. Did Mike like the snow? when it snows later, go write his name with a stick or with your feet, so that his name glistens in the night.

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Since before Erica died, this has been my favorite Winter/Christmas song...when she died, 100 third graders sang it dedicating it to her/me at the school where I teach. This song sings my soul.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...thank you for the song...I so like to hear favorite songs from others...sharing this...

ScreenShot493.jpg

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Hello to all INDIGOS......I haven't been on BI lately....much trouble with my DSL

internet connection.   Had to have the AT&T  technician out yesterday......the problem

originates outside on one of the underground lines.  Seems the mice think that the

housing markers for the wires makes a neat little "nesting place".:mad:  There is so much

shelled corn lying around to draw them near.   The corn is  left up and down the edges of

the fields, coming from the harvest last month.   There is always some 'spillover' from the combine during the operation, and

from the transfer of the shelled corn over into the trucks to take it to the feed & grain storage facility.

The mice also chewed some of the wiring, which caused the internet & phone disconnect. This is the

second time this has happened recently. The rodents are busily finding food to store,  and shelter for the winter.   ARGggggg.:blush:

 

Dee-----Such a nice song, and so special that the third grade dedicated it to ERi....so wonderful.

No wonder it has a great special place in your heart.  Thanks for posting it.

 

Wishing peace   and   comfort   to   all     INDIGOS   at   this  holiday season.   It is very difficult,  I know.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

 

 

 

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