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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Wonderful advice Kate, yoga classes can just help you learn to take the edge off. Tai Chi as well.

I am praying for Ross, that the growth is nothing but a benign event. No more issues. Enjoy the nature walk today, we have that same amazing weather and we took the Grandies to the park and now I must nap to make up for my Grandaughter kicking me all night, boy is she restless. We have been overnight sitting since Thursday. My Son and DIl are in Mexico since Monday night...other Grammy had them for the first part of the week. So tonight they come home. This has been esspecially hard on my Grandgirl, not sleeping well, crying and having meltdowns. It is perhaps too long a time without parents for her. Poor thing. I am falling apart too, just too tired from a couple nights of little sleep.

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you for your support. I thought I'd share this so so true.    Xx

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Kate Dee I know your right I have to do something I just can't go on like this. I do take in the sights and sounds when I go to the grave everyday I think that's why I do it as it's the on,y place I feel a certain peace. Yoga I'm not sure about as I have arithis but I'm going to find something to do when I'm feeling more up to it. Thank you though for your support its so needed and really helps me. 

I didn't say but I was invited to the AGM of TCF this weekend they were having Micheal Rosen as a guest speaker "who is sad? Sad is anyone. It comes along and finds you". The Sad Book I was really looking forwRd to it I just love the people at TCF but we couldn't go as we had fraud on our bank and they took all our money we didn't have a spare penny to get to London we still don't have the money back yet and I'm just so stressed I can't seem to cope with anything else at the moment it pushes me to the limit.  

Take care xx

Ellia Jade xx Definately Heaven Sent xx

 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Wendy, sending you prayers of grace.

Georgina, also sending prayers that this situation gets resolved quickly with your bank. Like you need one more thing. 

****************************************************

Found this article on grief on another blog which is from the Huffington Post. Here is the link. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-e-steinke/stifled-grief-how-the-wes_b_10243026.html

Been working a lot, so am tired. However, I think of everyone here, and read along as it gives me a sense of comfort to "see" you all. Sending peaceful thoughts.

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Tonight will be 5 years when Steve cardiac arrested and began his fight for life for 8 days which ended on 11-14-11

I remember every moment of each of those days I spent at his bedside.It feels like yesterday .The worst time of my life that just keeps repeating over and over .I'm

going to go to bed tonight long before the time approaches and hope I can sleep thru those hours I forever awaken at  and cannot forget .

one of the attached is a poem of Becky's I hope she dosent mind ,I know she wrote it for her sweet boy ,but it also speaks to me ,of mine .

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Mermaid Tears

Maryann...I, too, loved that poem from Becky....a Mother's heart for sure....and many of us....put ourselves on that 'dread walking'....of the events...leading up to that day....how can we not ? It is a fabric of our lives now...and I think we should honor it....not hide it.

Georgina...I hope your banking situation will be worked out soon....we have had glitches...but our banking/credit card/ financial systems know when it is fraud...and it is solved upon a couple of days...although...we have never had 'all' of our money gone.

Daylight savings has come....such a depressing...dark thing we have no control over....

Laurie...I hope you can get some rest time...with the extra hours you are working...how is Thomas ?

Dee....I have slept with many GRANDchildren...and our Pibby is the worst ever...legs..arms..everywhere....

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Georgina, I have theSAD BOOK by Michael Rosen, he hits the nail on the head with his simple words and poignant images of who he is missing. I love the book. I am sorry that the bank crap has prevented you from this, and I will say a prayer that the whole ordeal is settled.
That little BEAUTY of yours is so dear to look at, her determined little face looking out. Thanks for sharing her with us.

MaryAnn, I know what you mean about living through those 8 days with each sound, odor, emotion...Erica lived for 6 days in a coma before she left, the longest days...and yet they went too fast becasue we knew that these were her last days. Lord it is hard not to replay it all. And so sometimes you should, especially when those images and memories are knocking on the door at anniversary time, it seems impossible to not. So allow it, just when the anniversary moves to behind you, try to not replay all that often, turn the channel if you can, so that you do not stay in that terribly sad time- whose ending we cannot change...My thoughts and care.

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Mermaid Tears

Georgina....thanks for sharing that photo of your Baby Doll.....I hope when you are having great anxiety....deep grief....and we can no longer keep those dark waves from washing over us than we can lasso the moon.....I hope that you can also see the blessings you have with your family. It doesn't cure the grief...but it gives us something to hold on to.

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Hello  to  all  Indigos.  I haven't been on BI too much lately.  Just

don't have much to say or offer,  I'm afraid.:unsure2:

 

Georgina-----I so hope that you can find something to help you

alleviate your insomnia.  It is so difficult .....when you're exhausted,

and needing sleep, and then having insomnia.  Sending prayers

for your peace and rest.  Thanks for the lovely pics of that darling

little girl.....so very sweet.  Also,.....for the "grief map".......so very

true, and I think that all of us here at BI can really relate to every

twist & turn on the grief journey.

 

Steves mom-----Thanks for posting that insightful poem. 

 

Susan-----Such nice screen shots.....thanks for posting them.

 

Dee------I was watching on t.v. when they showed the Chicago celebration for

the CUBS winning the World Series, and the multitude of people coming

to celebrate the victory. It was a hard-fought victory, and I'm glad for the

CUBS.:)  It's definitely a positive thing when a sports team brings home a

championship.   Downtown Cleveland was the same when  the CAVS won

their national championship.......millions showing up to celebrate. 

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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I know politics don't belong here, could offend someone...but I am so very sad that we have somehow elected a misogynist-self-involved hater as our president. How is this America when the man who now will be president can say what he says about grabbing women by their private parts...when he says that he can shoot someone on 5th ave and not lose fans, when he says that there will be no muslims coming into our country???Oh my sadness is huge, we have just turned a corner on a dark time. I feel as though I am in mourning, the way the country felt after John Kennedy was shot, the way this country felt after 911! the world just changed and we won't know when and if the dust will settle.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Hi all, and thank you, Dee, for asking about me. I am still recuperating from a fall from about a month ago, but getting on much better now. Still not seeing well out of my right eye, although the doctor saw some improvement this last checkup, and recommend to continue with the drops for another month. I can only pray my sight gets better, as it is really scary sometimes. Particularly outside, cause I can't clearly see what's on the ground in front of me.

Thank you to Steve's mom for posting one of my poems, and im so glad you could relate to it. I'm sad that I can't see well enough to do any new pictures of my son, as it brought me comfort to do so. 

Here is the very first writing I tried to do. Which was a bit more than a month after he was killed.Mother's Diary.jpg

Here also is one of the early pictures I created.

MomJDNearNova.jpg  Dee, I know how you feel about this election. As most of you know, I am a white woman married to a black man,  more than 30 years now, and had two gorgeous, special children, my youngest, Jared being killed just over five years ago, and no justice for his death, had already left me feeling hurt and like our justice system had failed us. Now I'm listening to my daughter, who was 26 this summer, expressing her fears of her future in this country. it breaks my heart. My Jared was so proud and happy when Obama was elected, he knew just how special it was. The 30 foot statute if Martin Luther King Jr. Was opened on the same day as Jared's funeral, and the pastor made mention of that in Jared's service. 

This picture took me days to finish, but is very special to me. I am thankful for these things I did accomplish while my health issues had not yet become such an issue.

JesusWelcomeJD.jpg

Thinking of all of you. Much love!

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I loved those pictures how did you get them made?

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Becky, I am so glad that you are able to post, I was getting worried after so long. I love your photos, you are very talented and we too, are very glad that you created these before your vision was so compromised.Blessings to you Becky, and may your family find ways to live in this post-Obama time coming up, in peace and in some sort of hopefulness for the next election. Amazing conversations with third graders...what is going to happen to our friend from India? What if my Mom hadn't gotten her citizenship last year? What will my Dad do as a lawyer to help immigrants get their citizenship? The kids know that this is a new day with some new rules going to be made, and that they are being made by a mean spirited man with absolutely no experience in government. So so sad.

 

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JD's Mom, Becky
15 hours ago, Tommy's mum said:

I loved those pictures how did you get them made?

Tommy's mom, I created them using a combination of Photoshop and also anither art program, Gimp,  to add the sunlight effects. It was tedious and a definite learning process for me, but it was good therapy for me too, working with the many pictures I have of my boy. I used to offer to do pictures for others, but am not physically able to right now. If that ever changes, I will make that offer again. 

 

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Dianne, thank you for asking after my husband. Yes, the surgery went very well indeed. It turned out to be a fairly common procedure. They were able to remove the growth and use a graft over the eye. He is doing really well! Still no results as to the biopsy... as it takes a little time to get back. My heart and gratitude goes out to the donor.  I know that special date is fast approaching and is a hard time for you. Will hold you close in thought and prayer.

Also, gratitude to all of the serving men and women who risk their lives on a daily basis in order that we can enjoy our freedom. How much we take for granted until we are at risk of losing it.

My heart goes out to Leonard Cohen's family. His gift of verse has created many songs that give us such joy. I particularly loved K.D. Lang's version of Hallelujah. Also, Jeff Buckley will bring tears to your eyes with his version. Jeff lost his life while trying to save a drowning person. Leonard was a McGill graduate and wrote several books of poetry when he was a young man. Rest in Peace.

Becky, I loved your pictures from a few years back. It is always good to hear from you. Whatever happened to your family of geese that lived in your pool?

Laurie, Georgina, and everyone struggling with so many issues at this time...sending a huge "HUG".

We are spending a quiet day today. I have my Xmas cake in the oven baking and have soaked the fruit for a full two days in Rum and Brandy. Gosh, if you lit a match the roof would blow!:D 

 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Thinking of you all over there.  I think your right Dee going into Unknown territory with this Guy very scary.  

Just wanted to say a big Thankyou for your kind words and thoughts. Dee I will post the TCF write up about Micheal Rosen I haven't read the book and I was planning on getting it at the event as he was signing it.  

Sherry thank you I'm trying some relaxation techniques I was given to help me but I must admit I'm struggling with them. I've just had another surgery on my face it's so sore so that isn't helping either. Xx 

Susan your right it does give you a focus and a peace but she lives so far away so I don't see her often. But she's just so lovely and my daughters expecting number two now ! It's hard though because every moment I'm thinking of James and how he would of loved her and what he's missing so so tough. Xx

 

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Hang on Dianne, that date is very difficult I know, we know. I am glad that the book you are reading is giving you some spark of belief in the mystical side of messages. I do so believe. Yes, change for the not good I am afraid Dianne, this change in Washington. How does one get elected when he dismisses a goldstar family, says he can grab women by their genitalia and makes fun of disabled people? He has called women pigs, fat, menstrual, and dogs. HOW has this happened?
 Apparently, Georgiana, many folks are taking to wear a safety pin as they are in England to help those who are in the sectors that Trump and or Brexit do not want to support...there by letting them know that those with a safety pin will help protect you, will believe in your lives. I liek this and hope to teach it to my students so that they can see a simple act of peaceful outreach might help change the conversation. I think we will bead the safety pins for beauty, to show safety is beauty. What surgery did you have most recently? The sad book is worth a read for sure.

Kate, so glad that your Hubby is doing well after surgery. Keep us posted.

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InHeavensKeeping

Diana the writing in the book really reached out to me I'm going to look for it and buy it. I too am facing the build up to James's birthday it's two days before Micheal's Angleversaray he would of been 32 this year just a boy still I miss him. I hate this time of year but hoping that time will soften  I know the yearning and ache will never go.x

Kate I'm glad your husband is doing well such a stressful time for you. I've just had a lump removed from my nose,by cell carcinoma, it's so sore my face is so scared as I have a lot of sun damage. Thank you for the hugxx I love the picture of the Christmas cake  xx

Becky I really like the pictures they show us so much especially the one where's he's in Gods arms so much comfort from that thought  take care of yourself X

Dee I thought I'd share the TCF write up from the Michal Rosen visit take care Dee you give so much of yourself to us xx

much love to all Georgina xx 

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Morning All, woke up this morning to a lovely sunny sky. Perfect for the Santa Parade in the city for the little ones. This is going to be a very quiet few days for us as my husband has to take it easy after his surgery. I have to say that I am so very proud of him. When I think of everything he has gone through over these past few years I can't believe his strength. Never a complaint or any whining whatsoever. We are both just so grateful to be up and about for another day. After having received tissue from a donor for his eye it gave us reason to ponder the gift that others give under extreme circumstances. How amazing that he will be able to see so much better due to another persons selflessness.

Georgina, I hope you will soon be feeling more comfortable. I know it is hard to imagine how our children are missing out on things. I like to think of Jeff as being right here along the way and fully aware of what is going on in our daily lives. I feel his spirit surrounding us in so many different ways. I have never felt as if he has truly left.

I am wishing you all a peaceful Saturday. Love to All, Kate

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Kate------I'm glad to hear that your husband's surgery went well....He's

a real trooper with all that he has had to deal with. I agree.....the song

by Leonard Cohen....."Hallelujah" is a beautiful song....One of my

favorites.    Sending prayers.

 

Georgina-----It's so sad.....I know....when life goes on, and we're left to

deal....on a daily basis..... without our darlings.  It's like a stab to the heart

when there are so many special occasions and events that we know our

beloved dears would enjoy.  It certainly is bittersweet, when we're glad

for our other children's lives, but always have that everlasting sorrow

deep in our hearts.  May you find some peace in the coming days. 

 

Becky-----Your writing is just beautiful.....coming from your heart, I know.

Also.....thank you for the pics, and I especially love the one you made of

JD with God....so beautiful, and made with love.  Wishing you comfort.

 

Dianne----We're holding you close at BI as Michael's Angel Day approaches.

Peace to you,   friend.

Dee-----In recent national events......I'm just disgusted:(.....that's all I'll say here.

 

WISHING PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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Sherry, thank you. The newest form of this type of surgery usually uses a sample of tissue from your own eyelid. In his case they needed to use a gifted donor. In fact, there was an article today in the Winnipeg Free Press regarding a sweet young man that lost his life only a month ago. He was just sixteen years old. God Bless him. At any rate he donated several of his organs when he was killed in a car accident. He has helped more than 45 people from his generosity. His eyes alone helped seven people. He continues to live on in those people. His parents are so proud of him...despite the pain they are experiencing at this time. A true gift of love.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thought id share this xxx

 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you Sherry. I'm trying to get everyone together for his birthday the last two we let off a firework and some balloons but nones replied yet . It hurts there all moving on feeling so terrible sad. 

Take Care xxx

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A good way to put it Sherry, such a sad state of things, so now we work to make sure of our next times...

Georgina, such a lovely song, thanks for sharing. And thanks for the write up of Michael Rosen...what  a good man.

Sleep well everyone, and if you wake in the night, say prayers for all those on your heart, and hopefully you will fall back to sleep with those sweet hopes in the room.

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I hope that everyone had a good day today, it was beautiful outside today, bluest of skies and in the high 50's. I took a wonderful walk this morning with my friend Marion, we did half of our walk in the forest preserve which was just perfect. I always feel my spirit coming together in the forest, a source of great unity for me. Super Moon is our in the morning.

Peaceful sleep and good Monday-

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Ericasmom it is grey in the UK and my mood always drops in the autumn winter with shorter days. just ordered a blue light for treating seasonal affective disorder which causes depression. anything that helps to lift my mood. Anyone tried it before?

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Mary Ann, Thinking of you today on Steve's Angelversary. Sending you gentle thoughts. 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

All, I have been reading along, you are all in my heart. I have been busy with the 2 jobs, with leaving little time for anything else. Thanks for all those who asked about me. 

Here is an article I found on Grief from an author named Warner:

In life when what we love leave us, it hurts. It’s not wrong, it’s not a sign of weakness, it is being wonderfully, deliciously human, with deep personal connections. Our grief honours these connections – however it shows up.

What picture comes to mind when you think of the word ‘grief’?

 

For me, it was a wan-faced ghost of a person, sitting, sad, alone in a room, with heart aching, empty and numb. The reality is that when we feel grief it is a very alive place. It is full of feelings that move and dance, one moment sadness, next heaviness, then a release, then back to sadness, perhaps eventually to a place of stillness.

Your grief is unique. So give it permission to be there. Feel its contours, how it is for you RIGHT NOW.

If it helps, imagine your loved one having many tiny golden threads of connection to you. Some link into your energy system, so you feel them; some will have influenced your thoughts; some will be spiritual, deep connections; and some will be physical, where and how they shared the same space with you.

In my experience you don’t lose the heart connection.

 

Honour every one of these feelings as they visit. Honour grief’s dark days and sadness, its heartache and tension and holding. Cradle it tenderly in bed if you don’t feel like moving, or let it dance wildly and shout at the moon in anger. There is nothing tame about death. It shatters every illusion, moves every still place to expression and stares you right in the face. It dares you to be real. Let your grief take you to this place.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tommy's Mum, I have heard about the blue light treatment. You may be low also in vitamin D. Another thing I have found is to find a hotel with an indoor pool, or whirlpool, with lots of windows for  natural lighting. In my area, you can get a day pass for just the pool area. It helps to have the sunshine and warmness on the body for relaxing, which is very hard in the struggle we all face.

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Jdsmom i will have to research photoshopping techniques thanks for the offer. jessedavid and taylor mum thanks for the reply vit d is essential i take a multivit and try to go out when it is sunny but the UK is not v sunny!!

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InHeavensKeeping

Thinking of you Stephen today xxxx God Bless Mary Ann xx

 

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STEPHEN......STEPHEN.....ANGEL IN HEAVEN.  SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING

YOU ON THIS DAY. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MAMA AND FAMILY TO WARM THEIR HEARTS. 

Stevesmom-MaryAnn----thinking of you and sending prayers.

 

Kate-----Bless that dear young man, and bless his family in their time of sorrow.  They

must find so much comfort in knowing that his gift gave so much to so many people.

They were not able to use any of David's organs because of the massive blood loss he

sustained in the wreck....we were told.  So glad that your husband came through it well.

Thoughts & Prayers.

 

Georgina----thanks for the beautiful song.

 

Dee-----Cooler days now....but still nice...in the 50's. Our fields have been harvested now,

so it's a clear view all the way back to the woods. Very nice fall.  Has the weather been

nice there ?

 

WISHING  COMFORT  AND   A  GOOD   NIGHT'S  REST  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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MaryAnn , thinking of you and your family as you spend this special day remembering your wonderful son.

 

 

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STEVE Sweetest Boy/Man,

Send your Momma a dream of you tonight, a visit dream, let her see and feel your peace. I know that it can go a long way to helping her find your light in each day. We mourn the dates that changed our lives Steve, but we are forever grateful to have had the time we did with you and all of the Angels. May you share your stories as we share ours. We raise our hearts to you on this SUPER FULL MOON.

Maryanne, somehow you got through this hard hard date...I hope that you felt your Boy nearby...sitting perhaps on your shoulder singing a little song. He loves you forever.

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Tommy's Mum, I have heard of the blue light, let us know how it works for you. Seasonal affect is a very real thing, and with grief on top of it??? Well reach for the light and if you can, an indoor pool area as Laurie has said.

Laurie, you are far too busy, I hope you get a break soon so that you can catch up with yourself. Thank you for your continual support of everyone here with the articles and advice.

Sherry, yes, th eweather has been nice, global warming or a fluke? Tomorrow we are outdoors at the Arboretum for 3 hours so this weather will make that trip good good good. It will be chilly but lovely and as long as the kids dress in layers, we should be good.

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InHeavensKeeping

Sherry you give so much of yourself to us I hope and pray for you today that your sweet child is close to you. Hugs to you friend xxx 

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      IN   LOVING  MEMORY   OF  MY  ANGEL  BABY

                           LISA   KAYE

       MAY 5, 1970-----------NOVEMBER 15, 1970

        BLESS   HER   LITTLE   WHITE  SOUL.

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                         SMALL   WHITE   COFFIN

                     

                      The mourners come,

                       each one set out

                       Along the way 

                       From chapel door.

 

                      To where the small 

                       White coffin lies

                        And preacher stands

                       One small red rose

 

                      Upon the lid,

                      To tell of love

                       And show the grief

                       Of baby dead

 

                       Which lies beneath

                       The coffin's wood

                      Which was a tree

                       And proudly stood

                     

                       But now it holds

                       Like vessel womb

                        A baby child

                        Within its tomb. 

                       

                               by Terry Collett

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Mermaid Tears

what a touching poem, Sherry.....thinking of you today....

Maryanne...sorry I am a day late....there just isn't one easy path on this grief journey...but we are here for you..and so understand...

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Sherry, you have always offered a gentle word and support to all of us. I am thinking of you today as you remember your precious little girl!

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InHeavensKeeping
On 12 November 2016 at 0:52 AM, ericasmom said:

Hang on Dianne, that date is very difficult I know, we know. I am glad that the book you are reading is giving you some spark of belief in the mystical side of messages. I do so believe. Yes, change for the not good I am afraid Dianne, this change in Washington. How does one get elected when he dismisses a goldstar family, says he can grab women by their genitalia and makes fun of disabled people? He has called women pigs, fat, menstrual, and dogs. HOW has this happened?
 Apparently, Georgiana, many folks are taking to wear a safety pin as they are in England to help those who are in the sectors that Trump and or Brexit do not want to support...there by letting them know that those with a safety pin will help protect you, will believe in your lives. I liek this and hope to teach it to my students so that they can see a simple act of peaceful outreach might help change the conversation. I think we will bead the safety pins for beauty, to show safety is beauty. What surgery did you have most recently? The sad book is worth a read for sure.

Kate, so glad that your Hubby is doing well after surgery. Keep us posted.

Dee sorry I missed this. Thank you. I recently had two suspect small lumps removed from my face. I have a lot of sun damage to my face it seems. I'm going to buy the Sad book I just wish I hadn't missed hearing him talk. I haven't heard about the safety pins Dee I will keep an eye out I like this idear and agree it's a start something xx

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InHeavensKeeping

I thought I'd share this I can really relate to every word xx

 

 

How to talk to a parent who is in grief. From someone who’s been there.

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The soul destroying grief of your child dying is only truly known and understood by those who have endured it. Four years on, I still glance down at my daughters grave in disbelief. Visiting my child’s grave is surreal. It’s almost like I’ve vacated my body and I’m watching someone I don’t know standing there putting flowers down.

Is this really my life ?

Only a parent understands the powerful bond you have with your child; that absolute undying love you have and that monumental desire that roars like an open fire inside you to protect that child at all costs. It is openly said that a parent will lay down their life for their child, but it is not until you have your own that you truly understand these fierce emotions. Parenting is wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Whatever you imagine it might be like to have your child die, multiply that by about a trillion and you’re probably not even close.

 

On the surface it appears society is accepting of this unbearable sadness and people are supportive and open to talking about it. However, in my situation I’ve been surprised by people’s genuine kindness and empathy as much as I’ve been repeatedly shocked & disappointed by their lack of it. It’s necessary for bereaved parents to be able to talk and, most of all, be able to talk openly. I’ve found it’s the only thing which dispels the trauma.

Sure, friends and family have been supportive, but it’s proven to be the case with me that there is a mandate as for how long their unwavering support, patience, understanding, concern and empathy lasts. The truth is, the situation is so unbearably sad that it becomes incredibly emotionally draining on the other person.

The realisation that they can’t fix your sadness sets in, the frustration builds because not even they can see an end in sight, then gradually it starts to impede on the happiness in their life. They haven’t lost their child so why should they spend all their time sad about yours?

Samantha’s daughter, Ella (image provided).

I will, for the sake of all the other parents out there with empty arms, write ten things I wish people knew about the loss of a child. Maybe one of my ten points might make a difference to a bereaved parent’s life.

1. Four years on I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day Ella died.

The only difference is I’m more skilled at hiding it and I’m much more used to the agony of my broken heart. The shock has somewhat lessened, but I do still find myself thinking I can’t believe this happened. I thought that only happened to other people. You asked how I was in the beginning yet you stopped, why? Where did you get the information on what week or month was good to stop asking?

2. Please don’t tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again.

Nobody wants that more than I do, but it’s something that can only be achieved with time. On top of that, I have to find a new happiness. The happiness I once felt, that carefree feeling, will never return in its entirety. It also helps to have the patience and understanding from loved ones.

3. Please don’t say ‘I want the old Sam back!’

Or, I can see the old Sam coming back! Sam’s not coming back. This is who I am now. If you only knew the horror I witnessed and endured you would know it’s not humanly possible for me to ever be the same person again. Losing a child changes who you are. I’ve been told my eyes look haunted.

It’s a strange thing for someone to tell a grieving mother, but it’s true – I am haunted. My views on the world have changed, things that were once important are not now and vice versa. I feel as though you’re telling me two things here. Firstly you don’t like the person I am and, secondly if the old Sam’s not coming back I’m out of here. By the way there is nobody that misses the “old Sam” more than me!!! I’m mourning two deaths here; my daughter’s and my former self.

4. If you chose to acknowledge my daughter’s birthday or the anniversary of her death on the first year, it’s terribly gut wrenching when you didn’t bother to acknowledge the second or third or fourth.

Do you think any subsequent birthday or anniversary is not as sad for me? It also says to me in very big neon lights that you’ve moved on and forgotten about my daughter.

5. Please stop with the continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children particularly my daughter.

Samantha’s additional three children (image provided).

Do I say this to you? Then why say it to me? I’ve buried my daughter do you seriously think I feel lucky?

6. It’s not healthy to cry in front of the kids?

You’re wrong. It is perfectly healthy that they see I’m sad their sister has died. When someone dies it’s normal to cry. What would not be normal would be for my children to grow up and think “I never even saw my Mum sad over Ella’s death.” That would paint me in a light that would tell them it’s healthy to hide your emotions when obviously it’s not.

7. I have four children I don’t have three. 

If you want to ignore Ella as my third child because she’s dead go for it but don’t do it for me. Four not three!

8. There are still some days, yes four years on, that I still want to hide away from the world and take a break from pretending everything is oh so wonderful and I’m all better.

Please don’t just assume I’ve thrown in the towel, or worse, actually be so thoughtless as to wonder what’s wrong with me. I still know I’ve married the catch of the century and my children are gorgeously divine and I have a beautiful house, but I’m grieving.

It’s mentally exhausting, especially raising three young children and on top of that maintaining a strong and loving marriage. Unbeknownst to you, I’m dealing with not just my own grief, but my beautiful husbands and my two boys.

It would be nice if you congratulated me on the state of my family because keeping it together, stable and happy, has been hard work.

9. I did notice.

To the friends and family that found the entire death and dealing with my sadness all too hard and held secret events behind our backs that were lied about, stopped inviting us to things we had always been included in and slowly ended our relationship thinking I didn’t notice.

Writer, Samantha Hayward. (Image provided)

I did notice. The only reason why I never said anything is because I’m not wasting my words on your shameful behaviour. I am thankful for something though – I didn’t waste any more time on people that were capable of such shallowness and cruelty. Please don’t fear. I would be the first one by your side if the same thing happened to you. That should give you some indication of how horrible it is.

10. Grieving for a child lasts until you see them again.

It’s a lifetime. If you’re wondering how long your friend or family member might be grieving for, the answer is forever. Don’t rush them, don’t trivialise their sadness, don’t make them feel guilty for being sad and when they talk to you, open your ears and listen, really listen to what they’re telling you. It’s possible you’ll learn something. Don’t be so cruel as to give up on them remember it’s not about you it’s about them.

I’ve been left repeatedly heart broken as friends that I truly loved and never thought would walk away from me tossed me into the too hard basket or – more hurtfully – the crazy basket. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped, comments on Facebook stopped and I get the same thing every time. “Sorry darling I’m just flat out”, “Let’s catch up soon” and “I miss you.” The list could keep going but I get it. I’m not the type of person either that is going to pursue a friendship I know the other person doesn’t want. Everyone has a conscience and thankfully I don’t have to live with theirs.

You would think there are a lot of articles that raise awareness of the awful process associated with grieving for a child, but even stories from other parents are a rarity. The sad reality is there just isn’t enough said or printed. You seldom hear through the media about grieving for a child and the impact their death has on all the various people involved.

It can destroy a marriage instantly, it can leave siblings hurt, confused and angry. Often siblings are too young to understand, they’re angry that their family is not the same and even angrier that they don’t recognise their parents. Losing their sibling is bad enough but so much more is lost for these siblings that is never recognised. I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been asked how my boys were.

You might hear about the gory details surrounding a child’s death in the media but that’s about all. There should be so much more written about this topic, and additionally it should be talked about more openly than it is. I’m disappointed not just for me but for all the other grieving parents in society that this topic is met with so much fear and silence.

The bottom line is people are uncomfortable with the situation and I really don’t know why. My feelings tell me it is such an horrific thing that most people don’t want to know about it. Maybe they fear through knowing so much they might become obsessed with their own children dying. Parents worry enough about their children already. Do they really need the added worry about knowing how your child died?

The grief you experience as a parent is unimaginable (image via iStock).

Without question, my daughter Ella dying suddenly has been the worst thing that has happened in my 37 years here on Earth. I doubt that anything in my future is going to top it. Actually, just between us, I beg and plead with God on a daily basis that nothing ever does top that experience, but the truth is I just don’t know.

I’m not a mind reader nor do I have a magic pair of glasses where I can see how the rest of my life will unfold. I just have to hope that nothing ever does, but I have a very real fear it will because it has actually already happened to me. I know without having to hold a psychology degree that having those fears is normal.

What I’ve endured, losing my little princess, has been so unimaginably horrific that I don’t think I would survive something like it again.

What I have had to give emotionally to get through it has dwindled away all my mental strength – just like twenty cents pieces in a kid’s piggy bank.

I’m broke – not broken – I’m broke emotionally. I know all the energy I’ve needed over the last four years has not just been spent on my grief for Ella.

It’s been on trying to get my friends and family to understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes. I’m angry about that. When I should have been grieving, I was defending myself.

I’m probably very close to being as angry about that as I am about her death. I wish I wasn’t angry. Lord knows I don’t need another emotion but I don’t know how to not be angry, especially with some of the things that people have said and done to me. I talk and talk yet I’m often never actually heard.

I’m not sure if it’s a lack of literature around or perhaps that people simply don’t want to read it because it’s so awful and they don’t want to know someone they love and care about it experiencing so much agony. I  personally know though, if I found out a family member or friend had been diagnosed with an illness or disease, or worse, their child, I would be on Google immediately finding out more about it and how I could help them the best. So why is it that this doesn’t seem to apply with the death of a child?

Most people just think they know. I find this extremely frustrating. The death of your child is the worst thing that can happen to a person, yet most feel educated enough to advise, to criticise, to lend their words of wisdom when they don’t know the first thing about it. Get over it? Why don’t we see if you could get over it first!

Most people wouldn’t know that when I meet someone new I instantly become uncomfortable and filled with dread. I know at any moment when I engage in conversation the question is going to arise about my family and how many children do I have? I would love not to have to tell them. Life would be a lot easier if I could take that path. However, I do have another child. Her name is Ella. She would now be four but she died when she was 19 days old. She isn’t lost – I know exactly where she is, she’s dead.

Ella is my third child and she deserves to be acknowledged just as much as my other children. I’ve lied before saying I have only three children, but the guilt that follows me around for days on end is just simply not worth it. I can actually hear Ella saying to me “don’t I matter anymore Mummy?” “Why were you too ashamed to talk about me?”

So personally for me, as much as I don’t want to tell someone I don’t personally know very well that my daughter is dead, the guilt of not acknowledging her is worse. I don’t have three children, I have four and my daughter is not my only daughter – I have another as well. It’s pot luck what their reaction is going to be. There’s no telling what they’re going to say. You just have to close your eyes, cover your broken heart and hope they don’t plunge that knife further in.

If I could have my questions answered on why people give so much advice on a topic that they know so little about, it would really help me. What has surprised me so much since Ella’s death is how little empathy there is in the world. Empathy to me is a no brainier. You just imagine you’re in the other persons shoes, simple yes? Apparently no. Just think how you would like to be treated and if you wouldn’t like it don’t do it. You never know what your life holds – one day it could be you wearing my shoes!

I hope this article about my personal thoughts and opinions helps at least one person understand to some degree what life is like for the bereaved parent ❤

I dedicate this article to my soul mate, Darren. I’m the luckiest girl in the world having you, my darling. I love you more and more everyday you’re simply perfect and after fifteen years my heart still skips a beat with I see you. My friend Natalie Donnelly & her daughter Eryn. To put it simply: she is an angel and if the world was full of Natalies, it would be a better place. Also my bestie Liv thank you for letting me be and never smothering me with pointless words. Love you both xx

Samantha Hayward is at stay at home married with four children. Tragically, 4 years ago her eldest daughter Ella died suddenly at 19 days to undiagnosed Viral Myocarditis.

Have you lost a child? What advice would you give when it comes to discussing grief with a parent? 

 

 

   
 
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no matter the years, no matter the time, the ache of your leaving is an ever-present weight, a sadness that wakes and walks and sleeps beside me. No matter the time.

 

God Bless you Lisa Baby, your sweet ways embedded in your Parent's hearts.

God bless you Sherry for the love you hold so deeply and dearly.

 

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