Loss of an Adult Child

[peacefulnow]

Thank you to all you responded to my entry about visiting Ian’s grave.

Dee, I love your choice of words ‘ my reshaped heart’.

Daveydow, thanks for sharing your experience about your first cemetary visit…and for your prayers.

Mamabets, ‘as I look up at night, I see many bright stars and I know and love them all, including your Ian’...what a beautiful thing to say.

Roslyn, you have a true gift for giving others encouragement.

Kathy, I’m so glad that you find peace at the cemetary when you visit Nate. As far as missing him very, very much…..I know, and my heart goes out to you.

Georgia, don’t feel cowardly about how you deal with any aspect of Maureen’s passing. There is no right or wrong way of grieving. Whatever you do, or don’t do, is okay…accept it without any judgement…because it’s the right way for you.

Patty, I apologize for my delayed response in welcoming you. I’m so sorry about your daughter Lori.

Deewithgreeneyes, please try to find the strength and will to overcome your health problems. You are a part of this wonderful BI family. We need you.

There is so much strength and power coming from all of you. We all have our ups and downs… and fortunately we’re not all ‘up’ or ‘down’ at the same time. Someone is always here to try to help another pick up the pieces. It’s remarkable. Not everyone can respond to every entry…some days it’s more healing to read others contributions and gather comfort that way. There is so much wisdom being passed along. Sometimes I intend to respond to someone, and one of you has beat me to it…and you’re so precise and articulate and right on target with your responses that I just let my response go. But I faithfully read what each and everyone has to say…and I always seem to find some tidbit of insight or information that helps. May everyone find some peace and comfort. Cindy

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow- You will be so amazed, as your time moves along at what seems to be, but isn't, a snail's pace, how all of us here will carry you each and every step of your way. There are those whose walk seems to be so much harder than mine- They have either lost more than one child, have a sick husband at home, are sick as well, and no matter what , they help me and find the time for me. This steady source of inspiration is called "our buckets overflowing with love", and it truly will be your greatest source of strength. When the days come that I am just too weary, the lonelier souls seem to find me and understand that HOW lonely we both are makes no matter- What matters is that we are together to get through that brutal moment...I love you and am here for you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For All- Remember, too- A new puppy can always HELP!!! xoxomamabets

[griffinsmom]

I go to the crash site, clean up, add flowers....people (his friends) actually go there- one of his friends lit a candle there on his one year- and another got his website address from the cards I leave...I feel like this is "where Griffin met God", and get some sense of something keeping it "up". I just am in awe of how difficult this is, and just how much love we really have for our kids. I can't say how much I miss Griffin- theres no words- and when I think of the rest of my life - Im so conflicted- having to be here for Gianna while "counting" my years...Basically, I love my son, and cant believe this has happened....and now I know that anything can happen to anyone, anytime. It's almost calming to realize the uncertainty of life- like giving up worrying about it all- like you have no control, or like relinquishing control...rambling, sorry. Maybe someone can relate.

[peacefulnow]

I just stumbled upon a rough draft of a letter that I had hand written to Ian on his last birthday. I just fell apart, completely undone. Unexpected things like that are just so painful. I think I’m doing ‘okay’ (relatively speaking) and then something like this happens and I realize how terribly sharp the pain still is. It’s right under the surface, waiting to reappear with a vengeance at any given moment. It’s only been ten weeks since Ian’s passing. I know I have such a long journey ahead of me, with many set-backs like today. But, the impact of it floors me each and every time. You’d think I’d be getting accustomed to it, but I’m not. Cindy

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow- Oh, boy... The letters!! Bless your heart, I feel your pain... I have come across so many that Danny has written to me over the years... Same, Same- Whether you have written to them, or they have to you, you become unglued. You completely become "one" again after this happens, mother and child, yet where are they? Know that the bond can not be broken, not even by death. Their spirit is so much larger than this life here. But, while in those moments of coming across "things", or "feeling" them so close you can almost touch them, hurts to the core. In time, I promise you, it will begin to bring you cozy cofort... I kid you not. Just keep coming here and you will see it and feel it happen... GOOD, GOOD, MOM!!! xoxomamabets

[heybud]

Hello, my name is Lisa, and I lost my youngest son in a single car accident on Christmas Eve. His name was Kelly. I am desperately trying to cope. I have been reading your posts for several days now, trying different age groups and feel that this one is better fit for me. My son was 18 years old, and we had a celebration of his life on January 4th, 2006 which was his 19th birthday. He was a good kid, with few cares in life and was making his way to manhood in a proud and honest way. As best as can be figured out, he entered a curve going about 15 mph too fast, lost control and flipped off the freeway to the freeway before. He died on impact. We were able to donate some. He is home now watching us from the living room.

I am surrounded by wonderful people: two other children, a husband who is trying as desperately as I to cope and great friends who are holding us tight while we navigate our way. Because my husband and I are both "Type A" people, most believe we are doing well.

I am wretched. I would like to spend my day screaming out loud. I am so sad. I see that some of you are finding your way back to some level of grace and joy in your life and it gives me hope that I too can find some.

Always, when I saw my son, I said "Hey Bud"...and so I have chosen that as a screen name....

in Kelly's honor,

Lisa

[julsmom]

Lisa, I am sorry that you have to be on this board, but it has been a source of hope for many of us. My 27 y/o daughter Julie, also died in a 1 car crash on 10/13/03 and died on impact. I still have some bad days but know that there are other better days. My husband and I have tried to help each other get through this with very degrees of success. We have both sought counseling separately. It has been difficult. Our surviving son lives 10 hours from us and that has been the hardest part of the grieving process for our family. May you find peace. Please tell us about Kelly when you can. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Hey Bud---Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Kelly.

You are at such an early stage on this journey, and

I don't need to tell you that the pain is so very

unbearable. You will find that many of us here at BI

have lost our children in highway crashes, but no

matter how a parent loses a beloved child, it is a

devastating event that changes our lives. I hope that

you will continue to come here to BI, and I pray that

you can find some measure of comfort from this site. I

have been on BI for over 2 yrs. and have found a wonderful

group of people who have helped me so much. My prayers

are for you & your family. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Cindy,

I read your post about finding a letter you wrote to

your dear son, Ian. Yes, I agree---these cards/letters

are a bittersweet discovery. They will make us cry

so much, but also will remind us just how much love

we had for our children, and their love for us. The

other day, I was cleaning out a cupboard and found a

Mother's Day card my Davey gave me. The verse was so

beautiful & meaningful. I cried, but thought to myself--

"Davey chose this card just for me". I will always keep

the cards Davey gave me. Hang onto those letters & cards

so that you can look at them often, and feel the love

from Ian. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Thanks you for your kind words. I'm sure it gives

you comfort to know that Danny's organ donations

have helped others.

Mom2Angels,

You are so kind and helpful to all of us. Peace to you.

Deewithgreeneyes,

You are in my prayers as your hospitalization comes

up. I pray that you will do well with whatever is

to be done. All of us here will be thinking about you.

Bless you, and peace be with you.

Griffinsmom,

I agree with you 100% about not worrying about what

life has to hand us. I have just given up on all

control in this life. I have come to realize that

I don't have any control over most things in life. I

feel better about saying whatever will be will be. Peace.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I have been thinking about you, and I hope you

are alright. Please come back to BI. We

miss you, dear.

[kirksdad]

Heybud, Lisa, glad you found us, this site has been a great help for so many of us going through this hard turn in life. I say go for the screaming. My son was killed in a single car wreck where he was the only person. driver, in the car. He died instantly when the car rolled on to him. Everynow and then I go out to this spot we use to hunt fossils at, it is out in the middle of nowhere, and I just stand and scream his name until I hurt. I always feel better after. Jim

[mamabets]

For Heybud- I am Betsy, mamabets, and I too welcome you with your world as you now know it to be, with all of the love and support that I now hope to give to you and your family. Please try to find your "way" to our Beyond Indigo Kelly... She is a real gem, and having had contact with her, too, has been soothing at times.

This is an impossible journey, it seems, because my 25 year old son, Danny left this world in June of 2004. Missing him remains the same, but so does loving my daughter, Jackie and my grandaughter, Julia... My sweet girls!! We love each other, and our Danny, still. Early on, the ability to "constantly" survive the every second, every minute, agonizing, torturous pain has come from the people here. You will always be understood, and you will never be alone. And, in time , the "sting" of the burn in your heart as a mother, will leave... I am so, so, so sorry that we meet under these circumstances, but my God, we all know you now, all to well. You are at the beginning of this walk, however, I would be dodging alot of this, if I did not tell you that there have been miracles in my life since his passing, and around his existence ,still... Just different and in a way that Danny now leads, with the help of all of his new angel buddies...Now, your angel joins them all, just like we join each other here... We will all journey on together now...xoxomamabets

[Artina]

Heybud,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your screen name is so touching- I call my living son by that name- a very special son. I lost my 19 year old son on January 4, 2002 from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident.

The journey has been very difficult; but has eased some. I live my life side by side with my grief- finding both happiness and grief in the same minute. It's the creation of a new world that I find myself in- one that doesn't hold itself to "being" just "happy" or just "sad" in a given moment, because I feel every cell in my body all at the same time. Life has become hopeful again... I find joy in my living son's eyes and my husbands love for both of us. We will make the best of this life we find ourselves in... and in time we will all be together again- I know it!

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For Artina- HELLO!!! It is always so wonderful to see you... You gave me such hope when I found my way to "here", one lonely night...I hope that you are doing well, as I think about you so much!! I love you ! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maskott- When is Matthew's birthday??? My heart is talking to me...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- I feel a birthday... When is Matthew's??xoxomamabets

[Artina]

Mamabets,

I'm doing okay. I don't check the boards everyday, but do try to keep up with them when my life allows me to. I am always grateful that somehow we are able to support each other- there is power in numbers!

Thanks for your support and caring heart.

Peace to you, Tina

[heybud]

thank you so much for your kind words. Our Kelly was as special as your children...and I am trying to make peace with his leaving us so soon. Kirksdad, my husband screams regulary in his work truck between jobs..he says he screams I cry...I am overwhelmed with missing Kelly...he was our last child at home, and laying in bed listening for his truck to come home at night is agonizing for my right now....I hope we find the grace to come through the other side...Lisa

[maskott]

Lisa...welcome. I'm sorry for your loss of Kelly. The first few months are an emotional roller coaster. From crying, to missing him, to not believing he's gone...by the end of the day, you are so tired. I know what you mean about people thinking you are doing alright. I have a co-worker who keeps telling me that I'm doing great. He doesn't see me crying on my way into work or my way home. He doesn't see me sobbing when I'm in the ladies room or a dark corner. He doesn't know that Matthew is on my mind from the minute I open my eyes in the morning until I actually fall asleep. Talking helps, and this is a great place to talk. There are so many people that have helped me and my husband (mattsdad) through the seven months since we lost Matthew. If your husband needs to talk to someone (or scream at someone) there are a few men on the site he can talk to also. Sometimes, the men tend to be a little quieter so if he needs to, he can contact mattsdad.

Betsy...Matthew's birthday is March 26th. We are planning a get together with his friends. I wanted to release balloons so Jeff suggested we go to the town ball field at 6:34AM (the time he was born) and release them from second base (the postion he always played). I thought that was a great idea. Scott and Kristin are even willing to get up early to do that. I know this week is going to be hard...I'm already more emotional than I've been.

BettyAnn

[kirksdad]

Lisa, you will find the grace. It is a long journey, but there is a life after the death of a child. It is a very changed life, but we make of it what we are able to. Time can heal the wounds, but the scars will always be there.

[mamabets]

For Kirksdad- It is always good to see you and hear from you here... I just told some friends yesterday... "There is life after the death of a child" I came to this site with some pretty good wisdom, but NONE when it came to losing a child. I thank God every day for all of you that have given me the wisdom when it comes to my Danny.. Without it, I have no idea where he and I would be, together in body, mind and spirit as we all journey on. God Bless You- xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Heybud- Just keep coming to this "family" of yours here and we will help your family through... I fell to the floor screaming when this happened to my Danny, and I,too, have been there since. I remember my poor husband, Dean, not knowing what to do with me, as my mother, who was here with us when this horrific call had come, and our Jackie and Julia were Florida bound... My mother hovered over me and my Dean said "Come on, come on, let's try to get up Bets... The floor is dirty"... God bless us all, when we feel your pain with you now- May we all remember, so we can help you ,as you try to forget the agony of those early moments. But, as you vent here, we all see that it is the being able to get through ALL of the hell ,that we don't want to forget, because it ALL keeps us connected to our kids... Believe it or not, it is in the remembering the horror too, that, helps us stay forever clear within the circle of their love. xoxomamabets

[kirksdad]

Mamabets, you said something that brought back those first couple of days. That was what do we do with the house it is a mess. I also had trash outside that wasn't going to be collected until about 5 days later and I had to call the city and ask if they would come and pick it up because with the people that would be coming over we didn't want trash sitting around. Strange how ones thoughts turn to cleaning with what we had gone through, but that is one of the mysteries of life. Weird.

[maskott]

Jeff and I had left for vacation when Matthew died. My son Scott uses the downstairs bathroom and I didn't have time to clean it before we left...how was I to know. I told myself I could do it when we got back. When we got the call about Matthew we had a seven hour drive back. People were already at the house when we got back, and honestly, the bathroom was the last thing on my mind. My mother in law asked Jeff where the cleaners for the bathroom were and he, of course, had to ask me. My first thought was "Do I really care if the bathroom is clean". I wanted to scream at her "I just lost my first born son...I think people will understand if it's a little messy." She cleaned it anyway. By that night, I started to clean for the days that would be ahead.

BettyAnn

[lorismom]

For Heybud - Lisa, I just wanted to welcome you to this wonderful group. I, too, am new here, but certainly not new to the pain that we endure when we've lost a child. My daughter, Lori, also died on impact in a car accident on 5/03/04. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Kelly. I'm sure you miss him dearly. Time does seem to ease the heartache a bit, but I think it's a loss that affects us so deeply, that we somehow just learn to live with a new kind of reality. You are in my thoughts. Take care, Patty

[daveydow1]

To Everyone,

I'd like to address the subject of screaming. I agree

with the others who said that they screamed, and that

it helped them feel better. I remember about 2 days

after we got the horrific news of our son,Davey's, death, I

just screamed and slid down the basement steps. It was

almost as though it was someone else's voice--not mine.

My husband helped me up and talked to me. I believe

that it is just a natural reaction to getting the most

devastating news a parent could ever receive. After all, we parents need

all the help we can possibly find. Peace to all at BI.

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- I was writing before about screaming on the floor?!? Well, in looking back now, I remember thinking that I was NEVER going to get up from the floor, because it was the only place where I could , maybe, just melt away and go to where Danny was!! xoxoxmamabets

[maureensmom]

To Daveydow1 and Mamabets - I haven't found a place to scream yet, but boy, do I identify with that wanting to melt into the floor. For me, it's the car and the steering wheel. It feels like there is this gigantic ball of agony between my chest and the steering wheel, and it's pressing me relentlessly into the seat, like I'm going to become part of the upholstery because there is nowhere else for me to go. It's very strange... Isn't it amazing that so many of these strange things are shared by a lot of us? I haven't told anybody about this carseat stuff because I thought it was too weird.

[julsmom]

I screamed the minute I heard of Julie's death. My husband had a hard time hearing the coroner on the phone. I screamed when I was alone and ended up with an anxiety attack and in the ER 6 weeks later. My husband for months keep punching the steering wheel. And in my head I know I still scream. May we all find peace. Lynda

[julsmom]

kirksdad - glad you responded on this board. I know you post on another board but keep up here. You give all of us hope. Thank you. Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{Hey Bud ~ Lisa}}} ~ Welcome to our caring group. I'm glad that you found us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear son, Kelly. Please be assured that, in time, the pain is not as intense or immense and all consuming as it is now. It will often seem to you that you will never feel any better, but you will. You have to feel all of the feelings and experience the enormous pain as you go through the "firsts," then deal with the reality of the "seconds," and gradually the edges of your grief soften.

My greatest comfort is derived from nurturing this "new" relationship with my son. He is still and always will be with me, just as Kelly is with you. Keep your heart open to messages or signs from Kelly, embrace them and incorporate them as tools to connect you to him now. I recommend reading: Hello From Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim and Life After Life, by Raymond Moody, M.D.

God Bless You~ my prayers are with you and your husband for peace and comfort ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[heybud]

mom2angels, thank you...I believe that we feel him here at home. When he is in the house, we feel a sort of peace...also, we had lived in this house just 1 year when he went, and since his accident we have had about 10 light bulbs go out..a couple very oddly (one popped out of the ceiling light and hit my niece, who was very close to Kelly, in the head!)...so I think his energy is here with us.

To all of you, thank you for welcoming me. I am struggling with communicating with my friends as they so badly want to understand, and understand that they can't. It is comforting to talk with people who, so sadly, know how much my husband and I and Kelly's sister Kati are hurting. Kelly's big brother has been out of state for 6 years, so wasn't as close to him as we are or his dear cousin Kristen is. The four of us find ourselves going over and over the night the coroner came to our door. My husband finds this beyond agonizing, while the girls and I find it theraputic in a sense.

In honor of Kelly,

Lisa

[mamabets]

For All- Remember, there is NEVER anything too weird here!! If we haven't felt all of this stuff by now, sit tight, because we will!!! That's what is great about being here... Story times make it always OK to talk about anything and EVERYTHING!!!! We are all sitting around the same campfire!!!! xoxoxoI love you all- mamabets

[danielsmom]

Hi Lisa,I am so sorry for the loss of your son Kelly.My son Daniel died on April 17th 2005 in a car accident,he was 19 years old.He was everything you could want in a son,he was my best friend. Just as you do I am always replaying when the police came to our door, it is an image that is engraved in my mind.As I approach the 1 year mark of his passing ,I still can't believe it.

I find this board so very comforting,so many people here are truly inspirational. I don't post very often,but everything I read here lets me know that their are people who understand exactly how I feel.

Take care of yourself

Wendy

[lorismom]

For Lisa – In addition to the 2 books that Roslyn mentioned in her post to you, 2 other books that my husband and I found helpful were “Lessons from the Light” by George Anderson and “Healing Grief” by James VanPraagh. I also think those are wonderful signs (the lightbulbs) from your son, Kelly, letting you know that he his near you.

For Cindy – Thank you for welcoming me here. It feels really nice to be among people who share this incredible loss and understand this pain that we go through. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your dear son, Ian.

Take care,

Patty

[rmcaggiano]

To Heybud (Lisa) and everyone here!

I don't know what to say to you, just know that "we" are "all" here and that "none" of us here can tell you anything right now, because really, there isn't anyone can say to you, NOT RIGHT NOW! I found that people that would tell me that " I would get better or to get over it or something", it was better for them to not say ANYTHING or to tell me that they didn't know what to say, would have been better for them and me, and in time, Lisa you will find that to be true.

I lost my son (Nicholas) May 8th, 2005 (Mother's Day)! Nothing has brought any sort of comfort of any kind, however coming to this site has indeed let me know that there are parents that know just what you and I are feeling and going through. As time has gone on, EVERYONE on this site has remembered my Nicholas and me, and even my grandson (Gunner). I'm not sure how I found this site, a few weeks after I lost him, I came upon this and then I realized that REALLY.........ALOT OF "US" AS PARENTS HAVE LOST OUR KIDS!!!!!!! I know it's not something "WE" ever think about or ponder, and as you well know now.........IT DOES INDEED HAPPEN! GOD FORBID!!!!!!!!!

Just know that EVERYONE ON THIS SITE KEEPS EVERYONE AS AN INDIVIDUAL!! They do remember "each" of us. That is one thing and the most important thing that keeps me here, I know that each and every parent here feels like and knows what you and I are going through, and as time goes on you will come to realize HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS! It's not something that "none" of us have ever experienced. Everyone here is right on track, not "patronizing" and trying to feel what you do.........THEY INDEED KNOW! (OBVIOUSLY).

It's a sad thing that ALL of us had to meet under these circumstances, undaunting pain, terror, suicidal thoughts, a feeling of desperation, WANTING TO SMELL, FEEL, TOUCH OUR CHILDREN.

Mom2angels, mammabets, daveydow, kirksdad and TO EVERYONE ELSE here.........

THANK ALL OF YOU AGAIN..........FOR "ALWAYS" BEING HERE FOR ME, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!! I'm so sorry we had to meet "this" way!!!!!!!

Lisa, never forget, everyone here is always listening to you and we will NEVER LEAVE YOU AND WILL ALWAYS BE HERE!

I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, YOUR SWEET KELLY! GOD BLESS YOU AND BE WITH YOU!!

Rose

[mamabets]

For rcmaggiano- I am with you always...I hear the hope that you have in spite of your pain .I hear in all of the posts of yours, this sweet effort-The willingness,in hopes of feeling better. But, it is amazing... No one is EVER in hopes of getting "beyond" this... We know that our angels are "Over The Rainbow" and we are all willing to go to any and all lengths to keep their memories ALIVE by coming here and talking about all of them, all of the time... What a great tribute to these fabulous kids of ours!!! I love you ...xoxomamabets

[heybud]

thank you so much for all your reponses...I have a question if I may ask?

How do you find ways to handle the fear of losing one of your other children now? I have always been the one in the house to be awake until the kids where in or had checked in from their apt's or friends house if they were staying. It was agonizing for me at first when my oldest went out of state to college as I didn't know he was "in and safe" for the night...I am now terrified that they are not safe. Kelly was taken in a car accident, and 2 months and 1 day later, his sister was in a terrible car accident, and walked away to our amazement. Her car was totalled with the engine pushed into the passenger compartment. I have to almost physically make myself put thoughts of losing the other two aside....does this fear get less with time and distance?

Lisa

[mamabets]

For Heybud- I think that feeling this is completely normal. My losing Danny came to me after a series of so many things, this being just "the end", for me, to the point where I just TRULY felt that there was no possible way that I could survive it. I have had a sense of "numbness" fearing the "What I would do if something ever happened to my daughter, my grandaughter, my dogs!! My husband has a serious heart condition, he doesn't exactly "watch it" and my mother just turned 80-" So, I feel that after something like this, it is completely normal to be feeling these feelings. Danny was a HUGE telephone kid, and the silence there has been just impossible to bear... BUT, easier with time... As I told a mom here today, the "sting" will leave the burn- This burning hurt will always find a way to be with you,because it seems way too raw, BUT the "sting" will leave. And, when there is that glimmer of hope, gradually this eases some. And, with some of the agonizing torture, as I call it, being lifted, more and more is gradually lifted as well. I know that my Jackie has felt so much... "What would I do if anything ever happened to Julia?" I can't imagine having to go through this again, although you will find in your travels here some who have... They have become such towers of strength... The numbers are very few, those that have lost again, but a car accident that totalled your daughters car right after this, my God... That was and is a HUGE brain jolt, not to mention what it will do to your heart. I am sorry that you are in this nightmare, but I am glad that you have found us...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Heybud- And, may you know that you can ask us ANYTHING... That is what we are here for!! You will get a multitude of responses, from a multitude of your new found loved ones!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Heybud,and Lorismom,i am so sorry for your loss,i too loss my son Nathan ,Jan31,2005,on his 21st birthday.I found B.I.a couple of months after Nathan had crossed over,everyone here has been so kind and understanding,for awhile i was coming on ,sometimes 3 times a day,just to find the comfort i needed,just to know i wasn't alone,and to read all the things that i was feeling,to have someone say NO, YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY! Everyone here is so kind and understanding,and we all on the same journey,and we are all at different points of our grieving,so there is always someone who can relate to whatever it is you feel,you will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[jscmom]

Hello everone! I haven't been here for sometime now and now that I am here I am so sorry to see so many new friends.

This morning I am writing as John's birthday is March 22 he would have been 24 years old. This is my 2nd year and it sure in the hell harder than the first year never thought that to be possible.

Last year we had the balloon thing with friends and family did the same for his angel day 10/10/04 but this time around I don't think I can even go to his gravesite. I have been thinking about this so much and my heart can't take it. This 2nd year is so much harder than the first yes the numbness has worn off but the pain in my soul is still so raw.

I just want my son back...

Thanks for listening...

Johnny's mom forever 22 memory-of.com John Correia Hartsell

God bless all of you

[julsmom]

jscmom - may you find peace this week. Yes the second year was so much harder.

Heybud - our surviving son lived and still lives about 10 hrs. from us. He lives alone and for the first year or so I was so worried something would happen. I wouldn't let him make the drive here anytime he wanted to visit. I made him fly. He eventually did make one trip by car. It does ease, but that nagging thought still lingers in the back of my mind.

Peace to all. Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Hi all,

I would just like to echo Kirksdads words here. Having lost two children in a span of 8 months, I never thought I would be able to go on, but guess what,its been almost three years, and here I am. I will never be the same as I was before my children died, but its not as bad as it once was.

There are tmes, moments, that are worse than others, but believe me, it will get better for all of you in time, never ever be the same, but you will find that one day you will laugh, enjoy little things again, and you know what? Its what our kids would want for us..

May you all find peace and comfort,

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[julsmom]

Stu, I'm glad you still read our postings. I am happy that you have find some peace and comfort. Are you still speaking out against drug use? Peace, Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Julsmom,

Yes I am, and it has been a big help for me and for the kids and parents I have spoken to..

[peacefulnow]

Welcome Lisa. I’m so sorry about your son, Kelly. My son passed away around the same time as Kelly. (Ian’s passing was January 6, 2006) I can’t answer your question regarding worrying about your other child…but I certainly can identify with that issue. I will be eager to hear other’s responses as well. I have four surviving children…ranging in age from 31 to 11. (Ian was the second oldest and was 29.) I am so fearful of losing them. Yet, I try to shield them from my fear because I want them to live their lives as fully as they can. But, it’s very difficult. I want to wrap them all in a safe cocoon and guard them with my life…keeping them as safe as I possibly can. But that’s not possible…and not fair to them either. But it is terrifying to know that it could happen again…how do you live with that sort of fear?!? It’s rough. I don’t have the answers. I wish you some sense of peace each and every day as you travel this long, dark road. There are so many wonderfully understanding and wise people here to help us…and I count that as a true blessing. Cindy

[peacefulnow]

To all of you who have passed the first anniversary (or more) of your child’s passing. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I have gained much comfort and insight from you all. So many of you have said that the second year is more difficult than the first. While that is a bit hard to hear, (since it has only been only ten weeks for me,) I do appreciate your honesty. And I can understand how that would be true…the reality must hit very hard at that time. I’m so sorry that all of you carry the burden of that cold reality…it must be overwhelming. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers. Cindy