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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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JAMES SWEETEST BOY/MAN, you are always a Son to your sweet parents who love you so fully. Just as you love them. Let them feel your presence, let them know that you are about. Help them to get healthy again. Be the light that shines for them, that beacon of hope.

 

Georgina, may you know that the love you and James share is a constant, and that you will always be his super-Mom. May you and Kevin find some solace in the day.

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Georgina and Kevin and family....hold each other close...this is a day of great sorrow and mourning and remembrance.

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Thank you, Lora....the Memorial was 'just right'....his family were somewhat 'wore out'....he died at home....Hospice was called in some time ago...they were just amazing. As I have said....it is never a relief to see a loved one pass on....but there is a relief that they no longer suffer. Bobby conducted John David's Memorial...he was a remarkable man...so talented....he wore many hats..and he wore them well. He will be missed very much.

As I sat during the Memorial....the 'trauma' I have felt for the past 4 years has evolving. That is the 'trauma' of that moment when your child leaves this earth home and that trauma is felt very deep...very painful...for years. Now....that truth has entered into my spirit by some way of osmosis....Father Time and Mother Nature has been my best partner. I still grieve....sometimes I wince....limp....fall down. I guess I can say I have survived my own personal 9/11. I did not have super anxiety about going to the Memorial. I did take some deep breaths and wrapped an invisible 'superman cape' around myself before going into the Chapel.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi I just can't tell you or express the comfort that I felt when I logged on and found all you messeges and pictures. 

Laurie I thank you and your daughter for the beautiful design and words xx

Diane 'Remember me' 'A Silent Tear' beautiful heartfelt words Thankyou Diane xxx

Dee I love your words 'be the light that shines........beacon of hope' I've clung to these words Dee Thankyou xxx 

Susan Thankyou for the pins I so agree with the being strong one  xx

Lora just love what you've done to James's picture  it's one of my favourite photos of him  I'm going to print this photo and Laurie's and all the messeges to keep to look back .

The day was a day filled with things I'd planned to remember what a special, kind, fun loving, happy Son James was.  Which we shared with his friends and family. The sun came out it was  beautiful day for a beautiful soul 

God Bless to you all   Such a caring loving kind group of people xxxx

 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Beautiful xx

 

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Hello my indigo family, 

Update: I'm dealing with Ricky's first birthday coming up Sunday the 18th and the hospital had decided to send my mom home with hospice care.  Plz pray for strength.  This is going to be a very hard task taking care of my 69 yr old mom and finding the strength to get through it all with Ricky heavy in my heart and watching my mom die within the next 6 mths. She went in thinking she had flu and found out she had small cell cancer in her lungs(4×6 mass), lympnoids and liver.  It is inoperable.  I've spent 10 days straight at the hospital and dilerim set in for 2 days that she didn't know herself or anyone.  She is finally back to her normal self now.  Dr's said that it was her way of dealing with the news.  It was too overwhelming  for her to grasp so she checked out for a couple days.  They said it can come and go. 

I know they say, God won't give you anything you can't handle, but damn, I'm about to literally lose my mind.  

Peace and Love to all! 

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Wendy....all of us on this site sends you our empathy. Only those parents that walk in your shoes can really understand your heavy and deep grief...but many of us have not had to walk where you are walking now....with the uphill challenge of caring for your Mom...and knowing there is no healing to be found on this earth home for her. I can tell you that hospice will be an amazing partner with you. They can even tell you things that you haven't even asked. They will be two steps ahead of you on this dark road. They will be there for you, too. I can see why you feel as if you are losing your mind. Do you have any close friends/family around to help support you ? If not, hospice will give you the names of organizations/ out reach groups that can give you support. Please do not try to face this alone. You will meet many people that have had even darker roads to travel. My Grama always told me that no matter how bad I think I have it....there are many that have it far worse. I have found that to be true. We are here for you. Please keep us in the loop...and let us know how your day/days are going. We truly care.

Your SONshine boy has a birthday on Sunday. It was a strange day for me when John David's birthday came...I had no way to send a card...a gift....a gathering to plan...to others...it was just another day....to me...a day of remembering when that handsome boy baby was place in my arms. I spent the day in quiet ...in memory and lots of tears.

With all of this on you now....once again...I want to remind you to 'self care'....this is very, very important for you at this time...drink lots of fluids...try and eat fruit every day...walk around outside...maybe in the morning and afternoon....you don't have to go far....just be outside and let Mother Nature wrap herself around you. We know your Mom will need lots of your time and care....but this is the time to 'put yourself' first...help yourself first...so you can help her.

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JAMES........JAMES........REMEMBERING YOU.....DEAR   ANGEL  IN  HEAVEN.

Georgina------I'm sorry I am late with James ANGEL DAY....(I've been having some

problems accessing BI.)    Thinking of you in your sorrow, and wishing you comfort.

 

Thank you to each & every one for all the wonderful poems & screenshots, songs, that

express the sadness and hope that we have for the loss of our dear darlings. I wish that

I could be more adept at posting these beautiful tributes, but haven't really taken the

time to try & learn how it is done.  But,  I, so, love seeing them. 

 

Susan----- Thanks so much for the screenshots..... I love the one with the dragonfly.

I learned to do canning from being in 4-H, and from my mom, who canned

a lot for our family.  It is a lot of work, but I like doing it.  Lots of large pans, kettles,

and canning equipment & jars to wash. I guess we do what we learned to do as kids,

and what we pick up along the way. :)

Wendy-------Thinking of you and sending thoughts & prayers for you, as Ricky's birthday

approaches, for your dear mom, and your family.  Peace to you, friend.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

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Yes...Lora...Mother Nature and Father Time....the Grace of God....and the many parents on this site...has been my partners in surviving...I, too, chose not to take medication or go to counseling....I would take Advil PM...or some other sleep aid sometimes...my son, who is the Dr. always talked about people being over medicated...and I could not Zombie out with my family around I had to support and be there for them. I did not go to counseling because none had known John David...but I have friends that did get some medication for those 'bridge situations' in life where one would need some help.....and many that go to counseling...for they seek support and help. I also am blessed with my family....my circle of amazing Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles that have left this earth home... I have a strong foundation.....and I realize that many do not nor ever have had...that solid foundation that still balances me and they left footprints on this earth home that can help guide me. I realize I will always have good days..better days...bad days...worse days. I guess many parents come to that road on this grief journey that this is our life and we have no choice in being on it....we only have the choice in how we travel it. We can become bitter...or better at walking and living in our 'new normal'....we can become better at carrying our grief....we can never...ever lay it aside. Colleen once said she made her grief her friend, now she is using her grief to help others. That was the first Memorial I have been to since John David.

 

Sherry....I can understand how canning would be so 'rich and creating'....preparing food from the bounty of the earth....which will then sustain our family and friends...I started baking bread....the nights were so hard to face....so I tried many different recipes....my family and friends were very surprised...one said they could see me walking down the street buck naked before they could ever see me baking bread. I am so proud of myself.....and in some weird...wacky...way....I honestly feel as if John David is proud of me, too. He was super in the kitchen and grill....he use to tell me that he didn't inherit that from me.

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I think you are doing an amazing work for yourself and family...in working for/with/around your grief...and missing that beautiful girl...and we do need that alone time to let ourselves have the time to mourn..and yearn.

I see such life and light in her eyes...I know you miss her with every Mama cell in your body and spirit...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Wendy, sending you gentle thoughts and prayers as this new crisis is arriving. You have found a soft place to land here.

I can also say to tell your story as you need to here...it is a safe place to share, no judgement, just fellow travelers forced on a path that can break the strongest person. We each carry our personal grief "pack" a bit differently, sometimes shifting it back and forth to find the least irritating spot to carry the load.

Maybe from the sharing here, you will find tidbits of "helps" that will propel you forward through the day...

....sometimes though all we need is to be "heard" and cared about...I have found many lovely souls here on this forum who have helped though the darkest spots. I would agree with what Susan said about the hospice care...don't be afraid to reach out to those resources for help from your community. 

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InHeavensKeeping

lora thank you that describes James perfectly he was a beautiful soul.  

I also said that I didn't want to become bitter it was something Susan said to me right at the beginning " you can either become bitter or better " I've tried to keep that in my mind but I do get envious if that's the right word , one of the mums I work would was so excited all day as her Son was going to propose she didn't stop every time her phone pinged she'd yell out everyone joined in. I felt so sad for the future I've lost and I felt envious. I hope that doesn't sound bad. Xx

Sherry thank you for your words of comfort. I think you do an amazing job on this site you have been such a comfort and support for me . Thank you xx

wendy take care of yourself you have a lot to deal with coming up on top of your loss God bless xx

i don't know how to explain it but I've felt worse yesturday and today very emotional back to thinking I want to join James literally working out in my mind how everyone would cope I'm trying I really am just so overwhelmed and still can't think if the good times it's always the accident and everything now associated with it including fighting for justice for James 

Xx

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, I am sorry for the loss of your dear brother-in-law, how is your sister-in-law coping?

Lora, just the other day I heard Cara's song played and thought of her...

Dee, I bet you are glad the worst of the heat is over. How are your grandies? I miss your writings, do you have to share that might be fit the change of seasons?

Sherry thanks for the caring messages as usual.

**********************************************************

I have been a bit busier than usual, this last weekend really put me in the pits. Maybe the month lead up. This past Saturday, I also heard of a family who had their third adult child loss, their son's funeral is today, he was my neighbor and his pallbearers are two of Jesse's friends. I believe their already deceased daughter is buried in the same cemetery as Jesse. It makes me take a different perspective on life when I hear these things...

I have found that I still feel that "separateness" from the rest of the world -- those who have not lost their child, that is. I do believe that it will always remain so. For me, I still take Lorazapam, on occasions when I feel the anxiety peak. (like this week) -- I have been prone to anxiety attacks before, so this has sent my body over the edge. At times, I will get into a fit of vomiting violently in the morning to the point of exhaustion if I did not have medication to handle this physical response and stop it. Finding the right physician is key I believe.

***********************************************************

I think of everyone here and am thankful for this caring group. 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

It's okay Georgina to have those thoughts...Maybe take a soft throw and sit down in your favorite spot with something warm to drink. Cry if you have too.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lora and others, you may find this video to fit you...I saw it awhile ago, and it is only now, I can accept some of what she is saying. It is a mom who is several years out on her journey and has had some time to process the initial raw grief:

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

Oh my, I have fallen behind in reading and posting. I have been very busy trying g to help ad much as I can, my husband, Jerry, on  his road to recovery after his surgery last week. He had always been so healthy, and it's hard to watch him moving so slowly and appetite so much less, etc, but he is making progress. He goes back to the surgeon today, and they will have the lab results. We are praying and believing that they got it all,and that the report will be good. 

Georgina, I do know how you feel, as we fought so hard for justice for our boy, only to be told that they wouldn't bring a charge unless they could adequately prove it, but it was hard to take that answer knowing there had been a witness, but because they weren't aware of that for so long and had already decided not to prosecute, that I feel they just didn't want to appear like they had made bad decisions. It's just gut wrenching to face that innocence in this world is not fought for, protected, or avenged. That's the hardest thing for us to let go of, the anger at the system. 

I know the awful longing that makes you feel like the only thing that would help you is to die and join them in heaven. I can't tell you how often I have felt that too. Jared was my youngest child. That I considered to be my miracle baby, as I was already insulin dependent diabetic and 41 years old when I had him, and having suffered through several miscarriages, I felt he was a gift from God. He had never in his fifteen years, had a broken bone, or a stitch even though he played years if baseball, basketball and football. I know, I know, I know.

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Much love to all, more later...

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Laurie-----Thanks for your kind words.  I, so, agree that grief can manifest 

itself in physical ways.....such as those you have.  I believe that medications

can help with anxiety, and the awful vomiting and other bad symptoms that

come about.  As you say,  it is an individual thing. Everyone has their ways

of dealing with the catastrophic task of navigating this unwanted road of

grief, and can only do the best that they can. Thanks for the video "a mother's

journey".  The way you described being on this road as a 'separateness' is an

accurate way to put it.  So sorry for the family who has recently lost their 3rd

adult child.  May they somehow find peace

 

Georgina-----Thank you for your kind words.  I know that you have been suffering

greatly, and I'm so sorry.  May your sweet James send you dear memories, and

a sweet smile to soothe the deep ache in your soul.

 

Lora-----Yes,  I agree.  The pain, loss, and yearning for our darlings can come on

like a rogue wave and flood over us.  I guess there is no way to avoid it all the time,

and of course it has a way of catching up with us.  There is no set time point.....it

comes & goes as it will.  Each person must deal with the 'coat of grief' in their own

individual way.   Peace to you.

 

Susan----Baking bread must be a wonderful diversion, and way to deal with the grief.

(I've never tried it). Can't think that I'd be  any good at it.....just have that feeling.

   So sorry to hear of your brother-in-law's passing.  Bless his family

as they grieve their loss.  I believe that this time of year can be particularly sorrowful

in ways........end of summer....summer's gone, fall is here, and winter will follow soon

enough.  I always feel melancholy at this time.  My baby, Lisa,  died in November.

 

Becky-------I see how Jared was, indeed, your miracle baby..... your being an older mother,

and health problems to contend with.  He is a a beautiful child.  I , too, was an older

mom when my youngest daughter was born, and know the feeling of joy to give birth

to the last child I would ever have.  They are such a blessing.   Thanks for the pics.

 

WISHING   COMFORT   AND   PEACE   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry

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Sorry I am still processing this. I can't quite figure out what to do with it. So stunned really. Been going to therapy and i am ok just really confused. Trying to find a way through this new life hit. Right when I finally decided I wanted to live. I still do but I don't know where I stand anymore. I really have had a hard time with that. I was just starting to figure that out when this knocked me off center.

However for the first time in my life I have been able to get up without help and without hating the person waking me. I have always had major depressive disorder and narcolepsy but it is possible I also have melancholia which causes morning depression. Even as a child I was too depressed to get out of bed. I can now and it is amazing!  Apparently the mix of meds they put me on has done it and it has given me a totally different world because I can actually start the day instead of dragging up to it hating every minute.

This is my son forest about 20 his best friend Andrew about 19. Both a little enebriated.  Now both dead at 28 and 32 respectively.  Who could have predicted such tragedy would strike twice.

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Gretchen....it is mind boggling...totally blank. To understand...it would be like hearing a language you never heard spoken...and trying to understand what is being said. In other words....for us on this earth home.....we...you....us....them....will never have an understanding. If these meds have you coming into a more 'normal' existence...I am happy you finally found a Dr. that could figure out the diagnosis and the prescription. I don't think there is anything on this earth home that will ever give you...me...us...answers to the question...'WHY'....

 

GOTTA LOVE THAT PHOTO....

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Laurie....I just watched the video....thank you for sharing....

"If there is one....there is some".....we learn we don't have to hoard our grief...there is plenty to share...this site is so important for me....

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Becky....I hope your husband has a healing recovery in every way....keep us posted about the lab results...

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Oh no Dianne....you are just learning to hear the 'tick tock' of this new normal you are living in....you...me...us ...them....are surviving...and that is as good as it gets....

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Yeah as good as it gets--Andrew's mom said"I see after 5 years you are still standing. That means in 5 years I might be too." I didn't dare tell her what all it would take for her to get there.

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Gretchen....I have learned...the hard way...that there are no words that can describe this kind of grief journey....

 

Becky....thinking of you....any results from the labs ?

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JD's Mom, Becky

Thanks for asking, Susan. We went yesterday for Jerry's follow-up and he got all the staples out, but no lab results. Now we wait until his next appointment on the 28th. He's still in quite a bit of pain, but they say it's normal, so we just take one single day at a time. 

Hang in there, Gretchen. I'm coming up on Jared's 5th angelversary, and other than here, really haven't had much opportunity to share my journey. Normal friends shy away from us altogether, like its an illness they might catch.  

Thanks to all here who wished Jerry well after his surgery.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Hello all, 

Here I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep and cry decided to creep in instead. I'm sooooo overwhelmed and about to fall apart literally.  My panic attacks have gotten worse & my nightmares are worse and now I'm dreaming of Ricky and my mom together holding Daniel and Danielle.  

Mom is home with me now but not on hospice.  Was told she couldn't be on hospice while receiving chemo.  Needless to say, I've been on the phone for past 3 days trying to find help getting the things we need for her now that her insurance won't cover.  

I feel like I'm being torn apart in different directions literally.  Ricky would've been turning 24 Sunday.  His girlfriend and some other friends decided to have a balloon release for him, now it has turned into finger foods, a deadmau cake I'm having made for him and afterwards we are doing the balloon release and going pokemon hunting.  He would've loved this game.  My husband and I play it cause it reminds us of when the kids were little.  

If anyone here has dealt with a double hit like I'm going through plz contact me.  I desperately need help on getting through this.  

Thx all and many prayers to you! May your angels send you sweet messages at the oddest times! 

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To my Beloved BI Family, I am off to bed but will write to you all tomorrow. I have been trying to catch up with reading and I find I am wiping a tear away with many of your words, many of your stories, the songs, the videos, the hope and the fear.

I have been overly occupied by my school district and the piles of work we have to do to teach this year. It is not good...but I will write tomorrow to touch base with you brave people.

Hang On Wendy, as chaotic and sad and confusing this time is with your Mom's illness and leading up to Ricky's birthday...goodness knows you are being pulled in several manners, not the least of which is that Ricky has not been gone that long, though I know it is a lifetime ago, it is also yesterday...so your grieving is necessary and yet, you have to put all things on hld in order to help out your Mom as she suffers with poor health. You are being pulled apart, it will take some huge strength to keep yourself feeling whole again. We will be sending you good thoughts and deep hope.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

To Wendy, my daughter had what she felt was a visitation dream a couple of days ago from my son. She felt he was communicating he has found his way "over there" and also she said her feelings of this vision were of great peace, with a supreme love that was holding him and permeated the environment. She lost some of what she had from the dream --- I told her it is important to be still right after waking when these dreams occur , pause and quick go over the dream. Then you can physically move and record the dream. Otherwise details tend to fade pretty quickly.

This video may also help you. It is from Pam Reynolds who was an NDEr (now passed on). It is the best (medically) validated one I have seen and gives insight into the death process. 

I am  going to have my mom watch it. We had a very scary incident of this last week, where she almost choked to death, and I had to keep a phone line open with her  and kept monitoring her until my dad arrived back home to assist. She is the oldest  left of her family of 10, the elder siblings having died many in a row in 2013. So I research materials such as this video below to assist in the eventuality of transition.

 

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Wendy, I have not been as active on this site the past couple of years. My son died almost seven years ago. What I can tell you is that this site literally saved my life. I was going through a  similar situation as yourself. After Jeff died my MIL was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer and was given little time to live. I took that opportunity to throw myself into caring for her for the year and a bit that she lived after her diagnosis. I can only liken it to being pulled towards a black hole. It took all I had to keep going. I also put off grieving for my son. What I can tell you is that after she died I then truly realized how exhausted and drained I truly was. There is no putting off grieving. I had to face it full on. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Many that I knew also drew away. It was too uncomfortable for them to witness my pain. They simply did not know how to help me. I was convinced that absolutely nobody could understand my pain. I was wrong. That is why this site is so important. People here get it. We are all walking this road together.  It is so important to realize you are never alone in this. Reach out to those that are willing to help. Some relationships will be forever altered... but that is life. It can be very easy to allow ourselves to become consumed with bitterness and anger. It swallows us up whole if we allow it. There is no time out in life because we have had a terrible tragedy happen to us. We have to find a way to keep going. One day at a time. Please pm me if you would like to talk. I truly do get it. Also, my husband was diagnosed with the same cancer not long after his mother died. Life can be a bummer at times for sure. I can tell you that we are still up and walking. We have learned to embrace the good times that come our way. And so it continues. Hang in there.

 

Kate

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Kate, it is so so nice to hear your view of those years...I remember when you first came and I remember how you doubted that you would ever feel happiniess again, but here you are testifying that life goes on and that the fight to find your life is worth the battle...for yet another new comer. Your good heart shines Jeff's light for sure.

 

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Lora, that photo of Cara is so beautiful. I think it is her absolute joy that shines through so deeply, she smiles it into us. Missing her is a given, aching, another given, but knowing her is the charm in your life, having that special kind of beauty in your life can never be taken away.

Laurie, I am so sorry that your Mom had a close call last week. How scary. I will listen to the woman you presented to us when I have a bit more time to listen. Thank you, I always find the resources you provide us a great asset. I love that the dream your Daughter had recently let her feel and see the peace that prevails in Your Sweet Son's World. When we are privileged  to feel that we must share it.

Sherry I know that you are enjoying the cooler temps now, but I understand the melancholy you feel as you wrap up the season. Facing the autumn can be lovely for some, but when it holds that loss in it's bare branches, your arms ache for your Sweet Lisa. Holding your hand as you walk.

Susan, I can smell the break baking, let's share it with some of the jams and jellies that Sherry put up this year and let's share a cup of tea or coffee as we go...wine at night. It s what we do here, we share our stories over the daily bread, in and out of our days we touch each other here, we save each others stories in our hearts and we know that our stories are archived in the hearts of others who like us...know the depth of ache and loss. We listen, we feel, we nod in agreement and we hope. We sometimes have to learn hope again, but those on this path ahead of us tell us it is good to learn hope again, and we do. We do and we learn so much for it.

Dianne, you doing okay?

Gretchen, I am thrilled that the doctors have found a way to help you see the day differently. Tell us more when you can but I smiled like a Cheshire Cat to know that you are able to love the morning. WOW. I wonder now, if my own Girl had the condition you spoke of, the morning sleeper she was, hated morning. So glad that you have that photo and those memories of your BOYS together.

Becky, my goodness you guys have had a lot to deal with but here you are doing it. My hope is that your husband and you find good health this autumn and have a sense of goodness all around you.

Shannon, where are you and how are you? Sandy, same question to you?

Leah, as autumn comes I know your heart gets weighed down as well. Let us know how you are.

Carol, Trudi, Bonnie, Colleen, Marcia, those of you from a long while ago, we never forget your stories, we never forget your ache and your joys. Would love to hear from you All.

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Thanks Dee. It is so important for us all to remember that the searing pain we first experience will not last forever. There is indeed hope that happiness will again enter our lives. I m ever so grateful to those that have helped me over those many rough patches. I could not have made it without their friendship and encouragement.

It was a lovely day here today. The sun is shining brightly and the leaves are turning quickly. We decided to go for a nice walk along the beach. We took the opportunity to sit on a bench along the way and just enjoy the warmth of the sun on our faces. I woke up this morning to the sound of shotguns going off as the hunters are now quite active. The geese are flying so low you could almost reach up and grab one. They are gathering by the thousands and it can get really noisy at times. The children in your class will enjoy this little bit of trivia. They fly in V formation to assist each other in migration. As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately behind. This allows the bird to fly much greater distances. They fly in families and when one bird becomes sick or wounded two others fall out to stay with the injured bird until it recovers or passes away. They can live from 12 to 18 years. One captive pair were recorded to have lived or mated for 40 years.

Laurie, I am really sorry to hear about your scare with your Mom. How is she now?

Wendy, I hope you will take comfort in knowing that this pain you feel right now will one day soften. There are really no short cuts to this process. Please do take good care of yourself.

I too think of everyone that have posted over the years. My heart is with you all that you have again found peace.

Kate

 

 

 

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Gretchen, I have always loved that saying, I received it on several grief cards when Erica was killed.

Dianne, what a great analogy about the oxygen and taking care of oneself.

It is true Wendy, we have to nurse ourselves through each day, making sure if we drank enough water, got some fresh air...eat small meals so that you don't become depleted and if you took vitamins or meds before the tragic loss of Ricky, chances are good you still need to. Grief in all of its forms is soul depleting and beats the hell out of our immune systems. I would go for a check-up when you can and just touch base with your doctor to discuss these concerns of how grief affects body. The mind/body connection cannot be disputed.  I went to therapy right after I found this place, it was at the 6 month mark. I needed to go discuss this ache with someone who could help me build some tools in which to cope. I have been here 13 years almost. It will not always feel as it does now. I promise you this. I lost my Mom the summer before I lost my Daughter. My Mom disowned me 18 years before, when ERica was born due to the sexual abuse my father inflicted on me...I told her I could not bring my kids around him, but that she and I could still carry on if I picked her up and brought her out with us...she refused adn said I was dead to her. So in some ways, she died when I was a young woman of 28, mom of two, disowned in order for her to save face and live in the lie she lived. But when she really died, I grieved again, for all that never was in those 18 years. I had no guilt however, it was she who left me, and I had made peace with that long ago. Guilt however comes into our lives with death, even if we academically know that we had nothing to do with the losses we mourn, we feel guilty for not being able to have saved them, to make them happier, to turn the sequence of events around...to be here beyond them. The events that brought us to these saddest of times were out of our control, or they would not have happened. Breathe.

Today, this special date that brought you Wendy,  the DEAREST BOY of your heart, is a good date. It marks a most lovely and beautiful time in your life/lives, and so  give Ricky that smile that he loves so much, and know that no matter the tears, he is smiling on you.. He is grateful for you, for giving him the life he had. Bless you.He will always be your Son, and You will always be his Momma.

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All that Dee wrote is right on spot....you will always be his Mom....he will always be your son...hoping this day that will bring tears and laughter...will be met with you holding on to all the good and sweet memories...let grief has his way with you...bend into it.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Wendy,

Sending Gentle Thoughts

and Caring Wishes on

Ricky’s Heavenly Birthday.

 

sendinglove.gif

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Becky, thanks for sharing the pictures of Jared. Continued prayers for healing.

Dee, my mom is okay, just her throat is a little sore. I ordered some soft foods from a company named Pea Pod, they are a home delivery grocer in my moms area will bring the groceries straight to the door. So she should have what she needs for awhile until she is feeling better.

Kate, good to see your post!

Sherry, we are still bringing in some food from the garden.

Susan, there is nothing better than homemade baked bread. It is a wonderful comfort food and makes great gifts. I used to that but haven't baked in years now. It is a treat.

Thinking of all Indigoes...may you find comforting sleep and take good self-care...

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Laurie, I hope that your Momma heals. We have PEAPOD around here as well...many families use this service. Honey is often a throat helper. I love the graphic of the hearts beating...beautiful.

I think of you all and hope. Hope, a short word, one syllable, but so so deeply huge a concept.

 

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i am feeling better and will get back with the program soon and quit being so selfish but i have one more thing about my own life i need to share. first my ex and i were in the visitation room together which was odd enough as he was also with me when i first went in that room with forest. but we had a long talk about signs. then later that day i was in hasting's bookstore and said to forest ok if i am suppose to be open to signs give me a sign right now. i had been trying to find an easy way to share a 34 year old obscure movie called koyaanisqatsi with my therapist. we had just talked about it. i walked over to a bin of used dvd's probably contained two or three thousand. i flipped through the first three rows and thought i'll give this last row one flip and ----KOYAANIQATSI!!  less than 2 minutes after i said that in my head.

then i went to this angel message thing tonight about a hundred or more people there. with forest's friend susan i wrote on my paper give me a sign and do you know andrew is coming? susan wrote give a message to your mom. they take the papers up to a woman that tapes her eyes shut and puts on a blind fold and she flips the papers around and touches them to her head and rubs them on her hands all very fast and fluttery. i moved next to susan so our presence would be stronger. the first thing the woman says is i have a sharp is anyone here with a sharp and susan stands up and says i am and she says there is a sharp and a forest?? and out to the side i get a mom...and i stand up and say me. then she goes on... a forest?? maybe a woods camping?? and she say this is a young man that passed too soon and he says all is well and when someone passes a spirit arrives we have a big party  don't worry mom everyone is here and we have a big party. then she goes on and says he wants his family to know he visits each of them but in a different way...then she says love you mom love you mom.

so how crazy is all that?? hmmm ms science has got to take pause....

 

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Oh that Forest, he is always always a FORCE of goodness. You have such a fine Son Gretchen. And you are not being selfish, not a word I would ever use for you.

Peace and Joy in messages

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