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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Yesterday I went to Lake Geneva with my Co-Grandma, my DIL's Mom. We are close and have great fun together and are united by our beloved Children's union and now grandkids. So she has a friend whose husband recently lost his daughter to an asthma attack. She was in her 30's and mom to 4 kids, gone. The woman we visited recently married the father of this adult daughter who just passed away. She needed some ideas of how to best support her husband in his grief. We spend a lovely afternoon at her home and then in town over lunch and discussed the aspects of early grief and stages of grief and what partners who are not related to that lost person can do to support. Never an easy situation for our partners or for us...so  it was a good day to be with Beth, my Co-Grandmom and with Susan. I know that the road will be filled with jagged stones for their journey, but sometimes those pitches can be best maneuvered holding the hands of those you love.

Dianne, I like that screen shot. We are not alone...there are a multitude of others alongside.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Hi Group! I have been busy trying g to help my husband rebuild a wooden deck in the backyard. I can't lift, but I am good at measurements, and planning. The weather has been very hot and humid, and I had to go in the pool often to keep cool. No trouble falling asleep on those days. Then that was followed by tree trimming all around the yard as lower branches were making it hard to cut grass. I drove the wagon to put the cuttings in the woods behind us.

I was reminded of the similarities between Sherry's picture and the cornfield beside us to the south. I will include picture. All of this yard work just accentuates how much we miss Jared, as he always helped with those chores.IMG_20160810_103439.jpg

Susan, I am sorry to have missed John David's angeldate!  I always feel a special kinship to your angel as well as Laurie's as they along with my angel, all were "JD's". 

Here are pics of all the old deck wood, which we gave away, and the new deck, composite, so hopefully won't require a lot of future maintenance. We also hired the pooldeck redone, as it was chipping and peeling. New finish is supposed to look like "Tuscany slate". IMG_20160806_140151906.jpgIMG_20160806_140209015.jpgIMG_20160811_110119.jpg

We are waiting for the caulking crew to come and replace the caulk all around the pool. Also need to put our bricks back around the border.....work never ends, oh and still have to replace steps to upper deck. 

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Beautiful work Becky, my goodness it takes a lot to do so much. Good for you getting out there to be a part of it, knowing that Jared is sitting on your shoulder helping in his angel-ways. Lovely photos. I could enjoy a pool in these last two weeks with no rain and in the 90's. ICK.

Susan, we will welcome you home  when you come back from your big gathering, we will look forward to the stories from the JohnDavid times.

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Mermaid Tears

We are back in Brenham....had to hit the ground running yesterday....will post photos.....feeling blessed and running on empty....an avalanche of emotions...I feel as if I do not have a drop of adrenaline in my body....

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So glad that you are home Susan, but would love to hear all the stories that gathered in your heart this last week. I like the juxtaposition of 'blessed' to 'running-on-empty'. I get that for sure. The avalanche is sure to continue until you have a place to fit them all. Take your time, there is nobody with a clock standing watch. these are your stories and your emotions, you take your time.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Dee Thankyou for your advice  I know your right but I have to keep up the pressure on James's case I'm seeing the Police on the 25th to go over everything and I will have to go alone which is the worst part   But I can do this for Justice for James  I miss him Dee so much I can't believe it's been twenty three months without him   I'd do anything to have him back  xx

 

Hi Dianne thank you for all your support you've given. The words are just so true.  I'm approaching that dreadful day 24 months so scared how Kevin will cope.  He's doing good by the way out of bed and walking a little small steps a long road to recovery

I put the list up on the TCF Facebook page and so many thanked you as they all related to it and a nearly bereaved mother said that it made her feel normal again and that she wasn't going mad. Just wanted to tell you  Thank you xx

 

God Bless Xxxxx

 

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InHeavensKeeping

I thought I'd share this so beautiful xX

Missing you so much James I love you and you'll always be by my side mum xxx 

 

 

 

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

I recorded that same song, Georgina, along with pics of my Jared. Just a little over a year after losing him.

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Mermaid Tears

The secret world I live in...
Where others have no clue
Where pain lives on inside me
Where dreams went on with you

The secret world I live in...
Where memories are bittersweet
Where missing you is endless
Where life is incomplete

The secret world I live in...
Where tears now flow with ease
Where questions have no answers
Where I'm treated as diseased

The secret world I live in...
Where others think I'm fine
Where a mask is worn as armor
Where I look for daily signs

The secret world I live in...
Where laughter causes pain
Where happiness eludes me
Where I often feel insane

The secret world I live in....
Where I've learned how to deny
Where grief is never ending
Where forever I'll ask why

The secret world I live in...
Where you are always missed
Where sleep may bring a visit
Where your spirit does exist

The secret world I live in...
Where others have no clue
Where pain lives on inside me
Where dreams will not come true

I don't know who wrote this....but I copied this in 2014....I believe many parents build this secret world in which they hold their beloved child in ways the world cannot see

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Mermaid Tears

All my very sweet friends....will post more later....so glad and grateful for all of you that know my heart...and mind...

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InHeavensKeeping

Susan the poem speaks volumes. I feel most of the time I'm in a different world watching from the outside 'hoping' xx 

Dianne Thankyou. I didn't mean to upset you sorry. Such a beautiful song I hope and pray to see James again one day xxx

I hadn't seen Beckys video your so clever to make this up such a tribute xx

god bless xx 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Finally.....I have some time....the Angelversary....Angel Date...for John David in Port 'A'.....was beyond amazing and beautiful....family and friends gathered...I was surprised at myself for being 'emotional on the inside'....feeling overwhelmed ...feeling like a balloon stretched with so many good people...there for us. To have your eyes rest in every direction on family...friends...laughing and enjoying the sun, sky and ocean....it seemed to be like Christmas Every Day. I was so busy visiting...talking...swimming...playing...cooking...serving...hostessing...greeting...that I did not take one photo.....all the photos I am sharing was taken by others...I have some that have not been sent to me yet....they showed me the photos at Port 'A'....so will share them when they are sent...when we came home I had some business..(apartment) to take care of....then Jeremy visited friends...and we had get togethers before he had to leave...

Our plans were.....Daniel and I take him to the airport in Austin this morning...and then have lunch with friends in Austin....I got up early....bathed...dressed...make-up...fixed hair...cute outfit...cute sandals...then....Jeremy walked into the kitchen and I had a MAJOR meltdown....the tears flowed....(the ugly sobbing/crying).....I could not stop myself....I was crying for John David...crying because he was leaving...crying because I feel as if I have been holding on....holding it all in....holding it together....and...it all broke. All the parents on this site knows....when they are strong enough....when they aren't strong enough...to carry through. I knew in those moments that I was 'broken enough'....not strong enough to go. Daniel was very upset that I felt like I was just not strong enough to contain my tears. It is what it is. I will be strong again....but ....not today. These 'meltdowns' are so very normal.....they can come from out of the blue....but I know myself and MY grief well enough now....to allow myself....'a real crybaby time'....so...I stayed home. There were many times at the beach I could have had a real 'pity party'...but....with so many around..and the GRANDchildren....I did a great job of holding it in and holding on. I thought of all my sweet friends on this site that will nod their heads...and know exactly what I am talking about. They have been there...and are still there.

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Mermaid Tears

Handsome son Jeremy...Nonnie and her new little man....Uncle George teaching Wyatt....(we start them young)....Tay Tay...and Hunter Bear...way out in the ocean...thanks to zoom lens....Pibby and Travis....Jesse teaching his boy to boogie board....

for the record....I decided when I turned 62 I would never wear a bathing suit at the beach EVER....now that I am 69....it is still a great decision....I will leave the bikinis to the young....I still have fun....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I am totally living that secret world..know it too well.

Have had those meltdowns too. Some things are beyond our control...grief is a hard taskmaster.

Prayers of healing for those who are in special need...prayers of comfort for all here, and gentle thoughts for tonight.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Laurie....we are both in this 4th year of loss/grieving/living.....aren't we....??? can't begin to tell/say/let it know.....how it is...no choice do we have....

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Beautiful Beautiful sharing of thoughts, heartache, joy, and love...

Plus beautiful photos and poetry Susan, and yes, lovely music yesterday, and great screen-shots.

Those meltdowns come when they do to let us know and those around us, that grief takes a front seat when it calls out as it does and as it did for you today Susan. I am glad that you knew you could stay back and let the men-folk go. Sometimes the best thing to do with grief...is to get in it and let it unfold as it does...not pretty but it turns out to be necessary.

 

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Do Believe Dianne, that is the magic that your Son is able to convey, that he sits nearby. Dragonflies are considered the messengers from Heaven by the way. So so wonderful that he stayed nearby, watching you work, letting you know that signs from Heaven are indeed Heaven-sent. I love that last screen shot, that you remember when his heart stopped but yours continued...I remember that too. The wrenching pain that hers stopped while I stood telling her it was okay to leave...

Susan, that bathing suit looks a lot like mine!

Georgina, I am glad that your husband is beginning to recover, I thankful for that knowledge. Remember the care you need to take of yourself in addition to your Husband. Good luck with the ongoing investigation. I know that the two year mark lurks and twists your heart, it did me as well, most of us. Breathe and talk to James, keep talking.

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne....as for me.....I will take any....any teensy...sign....and in believing...it is so.

Dee...remember when I first joined this site...and it was you....that told me to follow my intuition...and yesterday....I 'listened'...all parents on this site needs to pay attention to what their mind/body/spirit is trying to tell them...to safeguard their emotional/physical/ spiritual health. I was really running on empty...with all the activity...travels..people...planning...shopping....and the Angel Date. I needed to 'cocoon'....and let myself recover....I still feel fragile...but at least I have a hand on myself.

Georgina....you are doing all the right things...you are looking out for yourself and your husband. We all know that the black sadness just doesn't want to let any light in...it is so heavy....that is why 'self care' is so very important at this stage.

Yes Dee....am thinking I should start a new line of bathing suits for women over 60.....in bright colors and pastels....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Found this song tonight, it was so moving it drew me in even though it is sung in a different language. After finding the lyrics in English I saw why, it was dedicated to the singer's friend who passed. Here it is, it is very soothing:

 

This song was dedicated to the loss of the singer's friend.

Daniels Joik by Jon Henrik Fjallgren
 
lyrics in English;

Do you go with me still, my dear friend,
Although I no longer see you?
Are you still here on earth,
Just as you remain in my heart?

I lie there and ponder,
Its a deafly soundless around me.
The tears break through and falls,
In the memories of you.

An angel that was left behind,
Has now got its wings.
Where do you fly now, my angel?
Where do you fly now?

Are you flying through the pearly gates, tell me?
Or to the worlds end?
Are you flying beside me?
Or am I alone now?

Where ever you are my friend.
Where ever the path takes you.
Promise me you'll wait there,
Until we meet again.

I hope you're happy now.
As i was with you,
The pain you have suffered,
i hope its now gone.

Soar free, my dear friend.
You're free now.
And until we meet again,
Farewell, my angel

joik is a traditional form of Sami (Norwegian, Swedish cultural) song

 

*********************

Thinking of everyone tonight...thanks to all who post...

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Hello to all Indigos........I haven't been on here for awhile.  Been pretty busy.

Susan----- Glad that John David's Angelversary went so well.  Lovely tribute to honor him.

Thanks for the great photos you posted of your family.  Always love seeing the pics you 

kindly post.

Georgina------thanks for that lovely saying.  So very true, and expresses our longing so well.

 

Laurie-----Also want to thank you for posting the song.  Beautiful lyrics.

 

Dianne------the dragonfly was surely a presence of your dear son. I'm a firm believer that

we have many times when our angels come extra close to us, and we feel them as we

listen with our hearts.  Many times when I go to the cemetery to visit David's and Lisa's graves,

the crows come around, light in the many trees, and begin their calls. I always think  my angels

are close by. I love the dragonflies when they come around.......butterflies also.

 

             A light went out on the earth for me

            the day we said goodbye.

            and on that day a star was born

            the brightest in the sky.

            reaching through the darkness

            with its rays of purest white

            Lighting up the HEAVENS

            as it once lit up my life.

            With beams of love to heal,

            the broken heart you left behind

            Where always in my memory,

            your lovely STAR  will shine.

                          by   Catherine Turner

   

Dee------Will your schools be starting up pretty soon?  My grandies

 will be starting Aug.22.   We've had some much-needed rain, so crops &

flowers, garden veggies are looking so much better now. I have a potted

geranium that I kept in the unheated sunroom over last winter......it was

the one that was on Davey"s grave all last summer.  It began to bloom

outside (in the original pot), in May......and has been blooming ever since.

Same thing with a gerber daisy.  They're annuals, but they seemed to thrive

and bloom anyhow.   I think Dave and Lisa has had a hand in sending us flowers.

 

     Sherry 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sherry, I think that Dave and Lisa did have a hand in the blooms as well. I have terrible luck with Gerber daisies...and they are so lovely. And the aroma of geraniums, especially right after you water them...so clean and refreshing. We have many geraniums on the deck and one or two come back to my classroom each end of summer along with several other potted plants that I bring home to roost on the deck each summer. So it all goes back and then we find room in the house for all that got larger over the summer that sits in the house in the fall and winter. We have many plants. I am glad that you are getting the rain too, as are we, trouble is that some places get too much too fast, but we are not flooded. We finally had a day with less heat and humidity today, and tomorrow should be good until the evening when we may be getting big rains again, those from Louisianna storms...Poor Baton Rouge...goodness knows that that whole area needs help now after their flooding. Sherry, I will start back on the 24th but the kids don't return until the 29th...my friend next door starts back tomorrow at the high school where she teaches...crazy early.

Laurie, that song is breathtaking and somehow, you knew it was deeply meaningful without knowing the language. Great instincts my Dear. You can hear grief as it erases the cultural and language barriers, it is grief no matter the language. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Susan, knickers and a long top in pastels would be lovely.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....thank you for the song....music has always been so universal...one common theme/subject in all the NDE experiences is the music that seems to come from every blade of grass...flowers...everywhere....it has always given me much thought...and now...John David's music is such a touchstone for me....sometimes I can listen...sometimes...I have to put it aside...

Sherry....I so believe that Mother Nature has to be a bridge in some way....I haven't figured it all out yet....but it has to be....thank you for your kind words...

Dee....can you remember 'where/what/how' you were in the 4th year...?

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Mermaid Tears

My GRANDson, Josh, who attends LSU in Baton Rouge is fine....he and his girlfriend drove hours and hours to come to be with us at Port 'A'....so grateful that all who hit the road to be with us for John David's Angel Date had safe travels.....this is an ongoing flood tragedy....Josh lives in an area that has not had the tragic flooding...so far....Mom/Dad/family keeping in close contact....

 

these are some of my favorite photos of Josh...an amazing and loving Big Brother....

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tobyfreefoot

so baby PRESTON CONRAD WARE arrived aug 8th.

all is well.

still not working. getting ready to apply for disability.

SUSAN that poem!!!

love to all you my sweet comforting friends.

i am still getting neurofeedback and other stuff.  have gotten some very useful applicable help from the therapist. 

xoxo

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Mermaid Tears

Oh Gretchen....I see that glow that can only come....when you hold your baby's baby. He has a strong name. Prayers of gratitude that he is here and healthy. Am glad your news of yourself is good....it seems like you are walking on the right path...and day by day....more light will come into your life. Having a good therapist is such a positive for anyone that is having issues like yourself. I have known some friends that seem to stay on the same track...and I have always thought that if they changed therapist...they might get on another level. Please keep us informed on your progress.

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Mermaid Tears

We lost our 'Sue Ann' this morning...she has had congestive heart failure issues....we knew this time was coming....last night she was restless and coughing and gagging a lot...and I woke up it seemed every hour to pet and soothe her....finally..at 3:45 I picked her up and took her to the living area and couch...she was panting very heavy...and could not get comfortable....I held her...and held her....I went to the restroom and when I came out she was laying by the bedroom door...so I put her back in bed with Daniel....she died around 7:30....leaving our arms...her warm bed...never our hearts. She had the 'best doggie life ever'...and was so..so sweet to all my GRANDbabies....I named her Sue Ann....(James Michener said it was the quintessential Texas name)....she was 13 years old.

 I remember going home for a visit around 1993....I went to 4 funerals with my parents...saying good-bye to people that had always been a part of the fabric of my life...I remember my Dad saying...'I have come into the 'years of saying good-bye'.....I feel as if I have come into them also....we had to say good-bye to John David's dog..Cowgirl a few months ago.....strange not to have a dog in the home.

Laurie...please send me the name of the medium...(I know again)....I did have her name written down...(somewhere)...I thought I bookmarked her website....foggy mind ...but....I now know for sure...I am ready to contact her. I knew I would know when the time was right for me.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Beautiful baby Gretchen...there is nothing sweeter in the world.

Sherry and Becky, I loved the nearly identifical pics of the cornfields....we have had good growing weather here.

Susan, thanks for sharing all the pics...I like the one with the dog on your grandson's shoulder...he is trying to get a peek too..

Dianne, thanks for sharing the poems and List of sayings the other day.  I posted  it in my other thread Journey through 

Grief, with a note how you shared it...many parents could benefit from reading that list I think.

Sending healing thoughts your way Georgina, and for your husband, Kevin...

Susan, I will send the name in your inbox...

Dee, I spent the last few days trying to get things sorted for the return of school for the Grandies...its coming fast.

Donnah, thanks for sharing the screen shot from Our Son Billy, I have read some of his writings before, it is quite comforting.

 

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Gretchen, congratulations that Preston Conrad is here. I agree with Susan, what a strong name for him. You look like a glowing Grammy holding this newest member of your family. Give his cheeks many kisses from all of us...his aunties. I am thrilled that you are feeling the benefits from therapy and from staying home...keep on keepin on.

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InHeavensKeeping

I thought I would share this God Bless xxx

 

 

I spent a few hours today with a newly bereaved mom whose child died violently. She said, "F*ck the world, just f*ck the world!" 

"In what kind of world do such tragedies happen?" she implores.

I have no answer. I sit quietly while tears fall copiously down her face. 

She said, "Can I do this? Can I live without him?"

I lean into her pain. She leans into my open heart.  Still, I have no answer. 

What I do have is love. And I offer to her all that I have.

And then, through her tears she looks into my eyes and says, "One day, one minute, one second at a time, right?" I offer an understanding glance.

"It is so raw, this grief," she laments.

Oh yes it is.

Raw and oft without answers.

************

Recipe for Raw Grief...

An expression of metaphor, and I imagine many like this devastated mom, will relate.

www.joannecacciatore.com

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Mermaid Tears

wow....the recipe for raw grief really touched me....'let sit for a lifetime'.....in this 4th year....I think I am picking up pieces of my shattered heart...and will create a mosaic of what my heart looks like now....

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you Laurie he's doing so good but just seems exhausted. I played the song for him such an emotional provoking melody beautiful words   Xx

Gretchen there's nothing like the feeling of that new life in your arms congratulations beautiful baby xx

Susan so sad for the loss of 'sue ann'   I know how hard it is they are a part of the family and just give their love and devotion to everyone.  Xx

Sherry I really like the star poem you shared   I always look to the sky for the stars  praying that James is there watching over us all ' a shining light to all ' xx 

Peaceful thoughts to all xx 

 

 

 

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tobyfreefoot

ah georgina the recipe it is all so true. you have gone a long way down this path since i spent much time here.

did i mention a book recommended to me while i was in hospital called "man's search for meaning" by victor frankl?

it is a brief biography by a psychiatrist / neurologist that survived the holocaust and then a description of the

therapy he developed called logotherapy

i have found it to be very helpful because i have struggled greatly with the bigger questions, the enduring questions

this book addresses how to find meaning without answers

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Lora....so good to hear from you....I know you work many, many hours each week...am glad you do come to read....I think the messages parents put on this site helps me in the way that I know I am not 'the only one'....a tiny blessing....a gift of Grace....that we can console...support....and help each other when we fall into a black hole...when one or a few having some really bad meltdowns...or situations and circumstances that make the grief journey even harder. I so remember you creating the stone for Cara....and now you have the right words to help another parent do 'the impossible'....

Dianne....so true...one cannot wrap their mind about this kind of grief...until...it happens...

Gretchen....I need to re-read that book.....read it many years ago....I think in a college class....when one 'has' to read books it seems that the words are just 'read' instead of absorbed...am glad you are putting the light on yourself...you are treating yourself to 'self care'....it is such a foreign duty to let ourselves come first. I realized that if I did not help myself first...I could not help my family...or friends.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Gretchen, I have also read, Elie Wiesel. He was someone I connected with as well. Victor's book is very good. Sending healing thoughts.

Lora, thanks for posting the song and the pics. I always think the Band Perry with Cora....

Georgina, good to hear of some progress for your husband and that the song was soothing to him. 

Dee, hope everything is quiet in Chicagoland...Milwaukee is having a lot of shakeup. My sister is very rattled by it all...I do hope they find a solution to quieting things down...

Dianne, so much truth in your words...

I have been off on some other planet this whole month it seems...today I looked up the date of my infant son Taylor's passing, it was August 7, 1987...it has always been blocked all these years in my memory...

Here is Taylor's picture taken immediately after his birth:

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TAYLOR JAMES- you are loved each day and will always be loved..

Laurie, I am holding you close as you travel the dates of your Sweet Taylor. Thank you for sharing his photo and date with us. Precious Boy.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....I think when all the people were telling you to 'move on' when Taylor passed was trying to help you along. I don't think they had a clue about this kind of grief. I don't know what age you were when he was born/passed.....but I think when we are 'young'...we do tend to rely on the words of those older and seemingly wiser. When Jesse David passed....you were wise in that you realized that there was another layer of grief deep within you that you did not get to touch. I feel honored in that we were with you..(on this site)...to help you open that portal and you could grieve and say his name...and you allowed yourself to mourn. The depth of our grief is the depth of our love. The depth that we honor and remember our child/children is the depth of our courage, loyalty and integrity in carrying on.

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Susan, I never told you how sorry I felt for you to say goodbye to your Dog. I wish her a place of great joy where she can run and snuggle and chase things without a care.
 You asked a few weeks ago, how I felt during my 4th year...it is hard to pinpoint at year 13 how I felt back then, but essentially, we were tying up our case against AMTRAK, (we lost) and our case against the city of Kalamazoo, (the whole roadway is changed due to our lawsuit- HOORAY) and finding a way to live without the fight for justice taking up our thoughts, actions, hopes. I was so ready to let it go, I needed to have grief to myself by then, I needed to learn to live with grief and stop the stress of court dates, out of town stays, and disappointments in court. Erica and Jon's daddy though, had such a hard time with life after our fight was done in the courts...he felt that he still had that piece: to avenge Erica's death, and when we were done, when the lawyer said it could go no further, we celebrated the changes we made in Kalamazoo, nobody would die as Erica did in that town again, all 5 streets that the tracks went through were changed to be safe once and for all...but Michael fell into a deeper sadness, he was without a cause. It was soon after the fight was over that he became ill with leukemia. He died two years later, on year 6. I miss him, and Jonathan certainly misses his Dad, his Sis. Now Jon busies himself trying to take care of his uncle, Dad's brother, who also has cancer...my Boy is a great care-giver.
So at year 4, I was finding a new rhythm to my life, Erica was firmly entrenched in my day to day by then and I got to find my time with her. You are carving out your space too, finding your steps in new ways. We constantly change in our years, finding where our comfort lies and how to protect it.

Lora, so good to see you and thank you for the sky photos. I am sorry that you have found yourself to feel other than your usual. You work so hard, perhaps you just need a bit more time to take in the quiet. I find I really need my quiet. I love the way you honored sweet Taylor.

Laurie, I hope that you are feeling the love. Yes, your area has found itself in some difficulties, so many people feeling disliked and treated poorly in Milwaukee, and really it is that way here and around our country. It is a fact that there are different treatments for different cultures...unfortunately, Blacks in this country have had a cycle of mistreatment and therefore, less apt to follow rules...bad schools, therefore, less graduations, less college and opportunities. I hate that we have not come further than this by now.

Georgina, I too love the recipe. It is right on. One day we will see our Kiddos again, we will hold them and they will be our bridge to that Other Place. Until it is our time however, we must take extra care and be good to ourselves.

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

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