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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Susan and Dee-----I agree, that this site is troublesome:angry:......lots of quirky things

happen when trying to post.  I, too, wish that they had just left the site format

as it was. At least we all pretty much knew the ins & outs of it,  and how to navigate

it.  Now.......well, it can be a real bear to deal with.  The complications and 'glitches' makes

it difficult to have continuity in keeping a smooth thread going....which can mean

so much.   I agree, Dee,.... Joe Biden is a hero.

Georgina-----Glad you had a nice visit, and are safely back home.  Yes.....it would be

our dream to have our darlings back with us.   How we wish.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmon,   Sherry

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Mermaid Tears

I have had some 'alone' time...with everyone in Colorado....as for me....I do 'one day at a time'....when I first came on this site...it was Dee that told me to just take deep breaths and take one day at a time...and on some of those 'one days' I will do good to take one minute at a time...how true. I plod along. Before I tripped along. Before 'that day that changed my world'....I did not really live in the moment...it was like I could fly through the day. Now...I plod along...trudge along...'dread walk'...I am balancing myself better....but....I can't live fast anymore. I have to take my time while my mind is racing from yesterday...to today. Before...I could meld the past..my parents...grandparents....loved ones...that had passed into my persona and hold them close..close to my heart and spirit. This is another kind of grief. This is truly learning to survive in a foreign land. Survive not only for me but for my amazing sweet family. My Dad is the one that told me there was nothing perfect. He told me so I would not have a false god to strive for. I would not be too hard on myself. I would not compare myself to others. He also told me I would meet many that were richer, smarter and prettier. In looking back, many can weave a picture of all being perfect....I love that song..Kodachrome...'when I look back at all the crap I learned in High School...I'm surprised I can read or write'....we can all give a rosy glow on the past and tweak it to make it shine. John David was not perfect...I was not a perfect parent..but we learned together. As parents I think we all come to that crossroads when we realize 'this is real'...we have no choice but to move forward with as much grace and faith as we can and be there for our families...and as Dee says...to stand in our child's light and honor their spirit and memory the best as we can. A photo of our Hunter Bear...he is like a John David clone...he is at the top of Pikes Peak...

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Dee, I’m doing ok. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I’ve had a lot going on the past few weeks but things seem to be settling.

On top of that I’ve been working on Trista’s memorial stone… and having a really hard time.

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....the world needs more people like you....we realize the toll it takes on our physical/spiritual personas to take care of extra people and troubling times when we also carry this kind of grief. We don't have to tell you to take care of yourself FIRST...for you are already aware of that. You know your limits. I do hope your brother finds a soft place to fall...and that the family can get a foothold and find themselves a place to call home. Drugs not only take the lives of so many...drugs also creep in and touch innocents in such sad and bad ways. I had to write a letter to one of John David's friends this morning...tears slowly making tracks down my cheeks...I am still not emotionally stable enough to hold back tears...I just let them flow...I know how emotional it must be to create a memorial stone for your child.

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Doing a little dancing in the kitchen tonight to blow off steam... it's something Tris and I always did. This song makes me think of her. WE did a Glow run 5k in her honor after she passed so some of the graphics have meaning too. Just wanted to share. <3

 

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Here it is 2 am and I'm awake! Sorry I haven't been on in a while.  It's been rough for me lately.  I'm taking it one day at a time, which is all any of us can do.  I want to let everyone know I am thinking of each and every one of you daily.  I wonder how you do it day in and day out then I think, they have no choice! Our Angel's would want us to be happy and carry on but some days are hard for sure.  I miss my Ricky, Daniel and Danielle so much! I feel so lonely all the time.  My mom came and spent the weekend with me this past weekend and I actually enjoyed it.  She is worried about me with my depression and panic attacks.  Me? I have no cares! I have lost everything pretty much! Yes, I'm ranting.  Bare with me,I feel like I need to do this.  Still not talking with my daughter but found out she is having a boy.  I'm so hurt by not being able to have a relationship with her or the baby due to fear of her using the baby to hurt me.  I miss her so much but I know this is what I have to do for my own sanity.  I just really don't care about anything or anyone.  I can't handle listening to other people's drama so I have isolated myself to the house.  My dogs have suffered from losing Ricky and I feel bad but can't seem to get back in the routine of doing things with them. Some days I feel like I need to find them other homes so they can have the attention they so desperately need and crave,then I think, what would I do without them.  I don't talk to anyone but them.  I don't journal in fear of someone seeing it, I haven't done counseling cause I can't talk to someone that had no clue what I feel.  I'm not sleeping even with 2 meds to help.  My health is getting worse and I just don't care! I went to cardiologist today and they said I have decreased blood flow to my heart and I was like, ok whatever.  My husband worries about me too.  I've lost what few friends I had.  I just want the pain and emptiness to go away! It makes it hard since I haven't worked in 2 yrs and can't muster up the energy to even look for work.  I've given up on taking care of myself too. I don't know! I just felt I needed to get some things out.  Thanks everyone for all your support! 

To the new parents: you have come to the right place! You can vent here! It doesn't matter if your sad, angry or lost, we care and we understand! Don't give up! Your angel's are with you everywhere you go.  There is signs that they are giving you, just be still and listen.  

Prayers to all! 

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Wendy, you listen to the song above as many times as you can and really listen to those words, NEVER BE ALONE. I know it feels you are, but those Angels are sitting with you, trying to tend to your heart, the broken places and the physical toll it is taking on you. Let those dogs be a reminder that going outside with them is as good for your spirit as it is for theirs and imagine the smile on Ricky's face to see you outside again, trying. Trying. Grief is exhausting but one thing we learn is that it is also damaging to our health if we don't fight to stay alive. Fight to be healthy to stand in the light our Angels have given us, each day. Why bother???Because you are still here, you are still here, live it for those who are not and live it well. You went to the cardiologist, so it must be of some concern to you. You enjoyed time with your Mom so there must be some light seeping in in tiny cracks and fissures of the armor that you have put on to cover your true self. We all put it on, but eventually we take a little bit off, let the hurt rant and scream its way from your heart to the ears of us to the sky, to the forest, everywhere you can. Letting it out allows breath. Allows a tiny amount of relief. Tiny as it is, it grows. It grows if you make sure of it. You are early on this journey but you have lost so much prior to losing Ricky, so your body/soul are reacting to the cummulative losses, the entirety of this tragedy, and now your Daughter leaving you out, another loss. I have you by the hands and am walking outside with you...we don't know what will come, but we know this: you are still here and one day you will hear the birds sing again.

Shannon, thank you for the vision of you dancing in the kitchen, the song has stirred my kitchen dancing memories and I appreciate the timing very much.

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Mermaid Tears

Donnah...I , too, listened to the song with tears running down ...thank you for sharing.

Dee and Dianne...every word you shared is profound truth...in the way this grief journey is traveled. I have said before...when I found this site I realized I was not going crazy...I was just in deep, deep mourning.

Dianne....I also 'hear' a message sometimes....some words come to me out of the blue...it is as if an answer to a problem...a solution...a rhyme or reason..it is comforting to me....I was sitting in front of the computer around 3 in the morning...(insomnia seems to be a very common issue with parents)....and I heard a 'whistle' coming from behind me....so clear...my boy was near.

Wendy....we are here to hear you. I am so sorry that your daughter has put up a wall...to keep you out of her life for now. I have learned that the one thing we can always count on is ..change. Nothing remains the same. I do not understand the 'all of all'....nor can I predict what or how your daughter will or won't do in the future but I do know that this is the time when you MUST give yourself your 100% attention. You need to be very kind and gentle with yourself and find your best way to travel this grief journey. Re-read the posts...and yes....get yourself outside in Mother Nature.

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words.  The song is beautiful and made me bawl like a baby.  I'm very jealous of the angel's! I just want my babies back! 

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Mermaid Tears

 I am approaching his Angel Date....such pretty words...

some time ago...I was reminded...or came to know...that his Angel Date did not...could not...bring me any more grief or heart 'break' than any other day on the calendar but...I do find that there is some 'other' new blanket that does start to cover me when this time comes...I call it 'dread walking' because no matter...I start to relive the days that approached the 'date'....like holding seashells in my hands and turning them over and over and over...just holding them close...not being able to put them down and away....turning the memory over and over and holding them close...and not being able to put them down and away....

thanks for sharing that Laurie...you always find such good things to read ...from others traveling this journey...

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Wonderful read from Dee Collingo Laurie, you do always give us just what we need. Thank you.

The song was lovely, and if it allows your tears, then play it and play it to wash you through. There will always be more tears, but sometimes, that gigantic cry is a way to allow oneself to fully grieve. For me it was a Neil Young song, I Want to See You Dance Again, Harvest Moon. I played it one morning before sunrise many years ago, and wept and kept playing it until i had no more strength and no more tears for the day. I was rinsed with salt water and to me, our salt water is holy water. Let it flow.

Susan, yes, like Dee Collingo, that day is inevitably going to play itself over and over, a loop of events that brought you to this grief. It is part of your process now, our process, and it is necessary.

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Right On Dianne! I know that you are not looking to be political, but it is just so ludicrous to suggest he has sacrificed...ugly.

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Susan--------Thinking of you & sending prayers, as John David's angel day

nears. The way you describe the days is  perfect.  It's so very difficult, when

we wish only that they were still with us.  Thanks for those great pics of 

your outdoors-loving family rafting, and of Hunter Bear on Pikes Peak.

The pics are a great keepsake, and they all look so happy in the activities.

Dianne----You are right......and I agree.   Those who have not lost a child

can't rightly comment that way unless they've "walked a mile in our shoes".

Dee------Becky will no doubt have to sign up for substituting this coming school

year, as she has had no luck getting a position......but she says she's ok with that too.

I'm so depressed about something that happened two days ago. I was listening to my

stereo, and one of the speakers was not connecting the way it should. While back of the

stand, (which also held Dave's t.v.), I bumped the stand, and the basement floor was a bit uneven,

the stand tipped enough to cause the T.V. to fall off onto the floor.  The sattelite cord connection was

ripped out of the back, and the T.,V. is now broken.  It fell 'face-first' onto the concrete floor & cracked the upper

corner.  It's not as if it were a valuable t.v.......not even a flat screen.....but worked very well, and

was so nice to watch in the basement family room .....so cool down here when it's in the 90's

outside.  So I guess I will just have to get rid of it.  Just being sentimental, I guess.  I asked myself--

"what would Dave do about it?"   I'm sure he'd say  "just pitch it, Mom".   But it's easy to cling to

the articles that belonged to our dear angels, isn't it?

 

Wendy-----Good to see your post.  Yes,....this rough road is bad, and sometimes it's worse.

Keep coming to this site, where everyone understands.    

Shannon---Thanks for the song....So nice.

 

WISHING   PEACE  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

SHERRY 

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Sherry, I sure do understand what it feels like to lose an item that once belonged to our Child who isn't here. I am sorry, but you are right to ask, what would Davey say? In doing that you kind of bring his sensibilities to the front and can feel his energy in the matter. New tv on the horizon? I am sorry that your Daughter did not get a teaching position yet, but my first position came in September one year when I was subbing...just being in the right place at the right time. It will also provide her a variety of grade levels to look into and classroom models to investigate. I loved subbing.

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Jesse David- Sweet Handsome Young Man, the absolute beauty of your Momma's love...Please sit upon your Mom's shoulder today, feel her heartbeat and let her know that you are near...You are so dearly loved and missed.

 

God Bless you Laurie, may this day bring you great messages from Jesse.

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Happy Birthday Jesse!   Thinking of you and your family today, Laurie.  I went back and searched for this video that you posted, a tribute to Jesse.  As I watched, I could imagine our children in the car riding around listening to music celebrating this day.  Of course they are singing along to the songs and eating Taco Bell.  Beautifully done.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Lora for posting Jesse's video. It means so much.

Also, thanks to all who recognized Jesse's birthday today. Here are some pics...

jessesideview2016.png

jesseback.jpg

jessecactus.jpg

JesseMyBeautifulSon.jpg

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Somedays I just dont know how I am going to feel...the fluctuations are so wild, up, down, all over the place.

Just trying to get through the day. 

The beautiful tributes here mean so much...I know each one of us so long to hear our child's name. 

In less than 2 weeks, Taylor James passing day is. I think of where they are...what they are doing.

I can see the gang up there having a Taco Day too. 

 

MissEverythingabout you large.jpg

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InHeavensKeeping

I have some bad news Kevin had a Heart Attact on Saturday. I phoned him Sunday as I was still in the USA and he sounded unwell . I immediately hung up and phoned the emergency doctor. Phoned him back and told him to call an ambulance but he wouldn't. It took four attempts and my daughter who lives in London to rush down to see him. 

When the paramedics got here he was having another one.  I was so stressed I thought I would die. I couldn't stand being so far away. 

When I got back I went straight to the hospital he was laying in bed and the doctor was just getting him to sign the Consent form.  He then started having pains and numbness in his arm again and they rushed in him into theatre they said he was having another one. 

I just couldn't believe it. He's had stents put in but he's very poorly. They said its partly due to the stress of loosing James. He's still in pieces and struggling with the way we've been treated. He just can't take it. 

Just wanted you all to know. So worried and anxious. So exhausted I haven't slept much since. 

God Bless X 

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InHeavensKeeping

Happy Heavenly Birthday Jesse.  Be near to your mum today xx

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Georgina, I echo these same hopes and prayers...may Kevin heal and recover from this terrible health scare. I know that you must be exhausted and so I will hope that you get some rest and just know we are holding your hands and hoping that the doctors are able to help Kevin. You are very insightful into your Husband Georgina, to know from a phone call that he was dangerously ill...my goodness.

Prayers being sent and hope is flying all around.

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Susan, Yesterday our angels celebrated with Jesse David and surrounded Jesse David, Laurie and family.  Today, they are with John David and your family.  They are telling him that you are going to be okay and hopefully you hear them tell you, John David is as well.  Thinking of you and your family.   Thank you for sharing your journey and John David with us. You are loved and missed John David.  

John David.jpg

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John David, may you sit smiling sweetly on your devoted family as they gather in your love, your wonderful Momma. Help your Momma feel your presence as often as you can, let her know today though, that you are more than okay, that you are soaring, that you are beyond joyous. Thank you John David, for being such a nice person, such a lovable boy/man and a great example for the young ones in your family.

 

 

Susan, we know the play-back you might be in right now, but we also know of your resilient heart, your everloving self.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks to all of my Indigo Family to make yesterday go by easier. I appreciated the thoughts and loving gestures by all...and Lora, Dee, Diane, Georgina and Sherry for posting some special items. 

This is a hard road to walk, (sometimes crawl), so I appreciated everything that was done. 

Thinking of everyone today. 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Ricky's mom, Wendy, keep on posting here as you are able. I have found so many helpful caring hearts. Sending gentle thoughts...

Sherry, I am sorry to hear that the TV was ruined. I understand how that can feel like another loss (had something similar happen) and it really threw me into a loop. Hugs.

Gretchen, how are things going with the medication? Are you able to find help? Is there a possibility of finding a substitute prescription that insurance might pay for?

Donnah, good to see your post...

Becky, thanks for sharing the thought that Mothers are Forever. How is kitty?

Shannon, how are things for you? And the farm?

Dee, already got a letter in the mail for school coming up for my grandson...it seems like school just ended and already starting up again in a few weeks!

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Yep Laurie, school begins for many in two weeks, for me not until the 24th for three institute days and students on the 29th. Goodness the time flies past so quickly. HOw is that Grandboy of yours?

I am happy that the tributes here helped you through yesterday...boy some of you guys really know how to use the photos and collages. Lovely. And now you begin a new day, holding all that you love inside of you at all times, and they carry you too.

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Georgina, sending healing thoughts for hubby your way. There has been quiet a lot in our news over the past 5 years about broken heart syndrome since the Christchurch earthquakes here in New Zealand.

I try to keep an eye on my hubby as he has heart issues and im sure the stress of losing Dylan has had negative effect on his heart health. 

This weekend we have Dylan's partner, Caitlin's 21st. As with everything it is a time to celebrate life and lots of our family will be attending as they have adopted Cait. She is an amazingly strong girl and we are blessed to have her in our lives. I often say "I lost my son but still have my daughter. "

 Someone posted the below on a Facebook page I follow and I want to share with you all.  It resonates with me. 

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John  David.........saying your name,  and remembering you.....dear Angel in Heaven.

Susan......thinking of you on this day, and sending prayers.  May your sweet memories

of John David flow through your heart and bring you & your entire family comfort to the soul.

 

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Donnah----- I agree......that there really is something to the broken-heart syndrome,

and how it has an effect on one's health. I'm glad that you have come to this site.

thanks for posting.   Peace & prayers.

Georgina----Sending prayers for you & your husband.

This is our cornfield......(if the pic comes through.....have been having trouble posting again) :huh: 

Sherry

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Corn-roast at Sherry's place...WOW! Sherry it is looking great...have you enjoyed any yet? It must take a lot of watering on your part. I am glad to see that your photo posted nicely. HOT HOT HOT adn storms that dissipate before reaching us. So a lot of watering here.

Brokenhearted is a state of both spirit and therefore body...we must all be careful to be extra good to ourselves just as our Babies would wish for us. Thanks Donna for your reminder of the reverse living our best life.

Today my Son asked me to come by and go through photos with him. I knew that it could be extremely emotional for him, but he held it together and we went through many, hundreds with Erica and she and Jon's Dad, (also died). He got choked up on a few, and damn, I did not, which has more to do with being on a medicine that really curtails my tears. I kind of miss my tears, but I do appreciate the way it also helps me with anxiety. The photos were a treat to my soul. Erica has been gone 13 years and Jon is just looking through some of these boxes. God Bless the Siblings as they have these partners in life that simply go away...and nothing is simple again.

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What a very quiet time here these last few days. I am thinking of you All and hoping that you are finding some peace.

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Dee-------The corn is agricultural field corn for animal consumption,.....acres of it.  The fields are  sprayed

with pesticides, and herbicides, by the farms that rent the acreage from us.  If we

want sweet corn.....we get it from area farm markets. There are farms around here that raise acres of

sweet corn, though.  They start it in rows, under agricultural plastic, in spring, when it's still pretty cold outside.....then

the plastic is removed when the corn grows to about a foot  tall......about in early May, and they pick it

in July......in time for corn-roasting season. Know what you mean about going through pictures that squeeze the heart.

Glad that Jon wanted to see them, although understandably sad for everyone. I keep so many in frames all

around the house.....never far from a pic of Dave or Lisa.   Cooling down this weekend.....so nice. We need a

break from the blistering heat we've been having. We have gotten some pretty good rain in the past few weeks.....

off & on, so good for the field crops etc. I guess temps are to go back up next week. A real hot/dry summer.  :cool:

 

Dianne----thank you for posting the 64 things.  I know that many of us definitely relate to so many of

the points.  I agree.....with point 55.....'Sometimes it's OK not to Cry'.   I, like Dee,  sometimes miss the tears.

They will  still fall, of course, but maybe not as often.  But, the reason they fall will always be there in the heart & soul.

 

Board is pretty quiet lately.  I've had some problems with posting......hope the snags work themselves out somehow.:(

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry    

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Dianne, what a cohesive list you have provided and so important especially to those newer to grief, though great reminders for those of us longer on this track. I love # 64,it is what I try to impart when I talk with parents or children who have lost someone...nothing you do will ever diminish your love...too often guilt for the possibility of being happy gets in the way of being happy for fear it means they are forgetting...love that one. I also love the reminders that 'people will try'. Yes, people we love or have loved forever may try to tell you how to grieve or how not to grieve or that the length of time is too much, or that you have changed too much...people try to mold you into who you were before-and we all know that that is a major FAIL. We are not the person we were before, we are changed and if the changes are too disturbing to those around us, it needs to be their problem, not ours. We contend with enough.

Yesterday I presented a writing workshop to teachers at a local college. Just an hour long workshop and as always, I speak of loss. I tell briefly about ERica because inevitably, someone in the room is also dealing with loss or will or they are teachers who don't know how to cope with loss when a student is dealing with it. Sure enough, at the end of my presentation, a young woman came to me and said that she lost her brother 2 years ago and in her tears we hugged and I wrote down my phone number for both she and her Mom and invited them to visit our site. We are never the only ones are we?

Sherry, wow, that is a lot of corn. We learned a lot about pesticides this school year with 3rd graders, finding reasons why there are so many dead zones in lakes, rivers, and oceans. Often it has to do with runoff, which is a terrible thing. But, as I pointed out to the kids, what if you are the farmer, what if you depend on these crops to sell in order to raise your kids well, what then? Would you use pesticides too? It is that dilema we live with.

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InHeavensKeeping

Susan so sorry I missed John David's Angel day. I hope you had a lovely time with your family as you gather together to remember your sweet boy.  Xx

Thank you all for you prayers and best wishes for Kevin. He's so poorly still just seems to be exhausted. He's not allowed to do much for the next six weeks he's feeling very low . The problem is he was so depressed and in pieces about James and stressing over the case and not understanding why and now he's worse I'm just so worried and completely worn out. 

I had  an appointment with the Police about our case but had to cancel it I wish I had gone on my own it took so long to set it up but Kevin didn't want me to go alone and I didn't want to put him under more stress worrying about me. 

Ill catch up more tomorrow just so tired. Take care everyone I can't believe it's twenty three month on the eleventh 

God Bless xx

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Hello all,   It has been quite awhile since I have been on the site so I have alot of reading to catch up on.  I have missed some important dates for many.  Please know I do think of everyone on the site, even though I have been away.   It is as if we are all connected forever through the loss that we share.   Wendy, I do want to share with you that I so understand your pain, as you deal with your daughter turning away from  you.   My daughter Rachel did the same thing when Sarah died.   She built a wall around her self towards me that I didn't then nor do I now understand.  I think it is how she was grieving.   I do know it hurts so so much, and I felt like I had lost both of my daughters when  Sarah died on March 14th 2012.    In the 4 1/2 years since  we lost Sarah,  Rachel has had 2 more children and they live 2 hours away from us.  Then about 3 months ago she and her husband began talking about moving and he started looking for a new job.  Well..... long story short,  They are returning to Fort Wayne to live.   And over the past month I have seen "glimpses"  of our "old Rach".    She has begun reaching out and I see the wall around her starting to crumble.     I cannot explain what has happened.  I do know that they want to be closer to Sarah's little girls who are now 7 and 9.   So as I remain cautious and do not want to push her, I am inclined to believe this is how she survived and worked through grieving the loss of her sister, who was her best friend.    I know you are hurting so bad Wendy, and I understand the added pain you have with your daughter and you are in my thoughts and prayers.   Please keep coming and sharing your feelings and your pain.   I remember being right where you are and the wonderful members here helped me through those days and still help me through the hard times.      

Susan, as I saw the pictures of your family white water rafting it brought memories back of my Sarah.   She went with her class on a Senior trip in high school and they went rafting and she was terrified, but after she did it she loved it!  We have pictures of her doing it.   The memories made me smile.   I can't believe she has been gone 4 1/2 years.   I miss her like it was yesterday.

Dee, I am glad that Erifest was a nice day.    I am sure that your summer has flown by.   Maddie and Becca go back to school this Wednesday the 10th.   It seems to get earlier every year.     Like, you we have not had alot of rain here either.

Have a restful night,

Sandy

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Georgina, all I can hope for is your health to improve alongside your husbands. You have both found that stress can completely destroy our immune systems. It may be time now for you to heal, and while I know that the investigation is your fight, your hope for justice, your health is way more important to your Angel's wishes. For now, please rest and recover.

Sandy, I love the words that you gave Wendy, the hope is in your words. It has been a long time coming hasn't it? You have worked so hard these 4 years in grief, in caretaking your Husband, in trying to have a relationship with Rachael, and with seeing your Grandies, along with working full time. My hope is that your Daughter and her Family can indeed move nearby and start a new and loving relationship iwth you.

With love

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Dee----You are so right....that modern day farming is a problem that we all live with,

especially with the advent of all the new chemicals that are used to grow crops.

We live on a hillside where the crops are planted....(ours, and many other acres belonging

to other larger farms), and there is a valley nearby with a nice creek running through pasture fields

for horses.  The creek used to be so alive with spring peepers frogs singing out in early spring

as their eggs are lain for tadpoles to develop. In the past few years, the creek area no longer

has that lovely sound of the spring peepers that we looked forward to hearing in March.  It is now silent; and sad. 

 Heavy use of chemicals in farming equals good yields,.... food to feed the world. 

Stop using the chemicals, ...yields go down..... food prices go up.  One can see both sides of

the problem, but what could be the solution?  I've read in ag papers and magazines that the

chemical companies are trying to develop sprays etc. that are less harmful to the environment.

I hope they can do so soon.

 

Dianne-----I know the feeling.....when you look into a mirror, and see yourself, and wonder

who you are anymore. .....Everything has changed, and we feel like someone roaming in

a foreign land.  I'm so sorry you are in this dark place.  Keep coming back to this site,

where everyone understands this....(often better than anyone else.) Thoughts & prayers.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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Dianne, I would say that you have already reached many here with your posts, you have helped those newer to our site, you have provided us all your love and support and your hopes. You give us food for thought as you did with that list...and you have given us your trust which is priceless of course. I do so hope that your Daughter will be able to find a way back to the area again, fingers crossed. Like Sandy's Daughter, and many of our Kids who lost their Siblings, it is a long and difficult road for them. The loss hits them at a different junction in thier lives and I do believe that in order to continue forward in their  lives, they have to shut down the loss for a time. It is only later on that they can open their hearts to the ache and magnitude. It is a self-preservation kind of thing I think. As I said, Jonathan and I sat at his table looking through photos and telling stories just last week, photos he had not looked into for 13 years. He felt it was time and asked me to do it with him. Last night the kids came for dinner and Little ERi got wet at the water table and asked for something to wear...I put one of my t-shirts on her to act as a dress. It was my Erica's shirt, a lavender t-shirt with some colorful pinwheels on the top. I gave that to my Erica when she was 18...now Little ERi wears it as her nightdress. A circle of sorts that makes my heart happy, and JOnathan even smiled at the thought that Erica was wearing Auntie Erica's shirt. It takes time for our young ones to find thier way in the complexities of loss. God bless them as they do.

Sherry, it must be very hard to make a living these days as farmers. I tip my hat to those who farm, and I am thrilled when driving through farm country, a tiny fantasy of mine as a child was to live on a farm and feed animals each morning and grow food. So funny cause I adore the city, but there is that space and beauty a farm holds.

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