Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks to all members of Beyond Indigo who posted here who haven't done so in a while. It was a treasure to see your children's face's light the screen.

Thinking of everyone this Mother's Day.

 

[ericasmom]

When you wake up on the 8th, know that a Child is celebrating you...you will always be his/her MOM. We will always be honored to their Moms, Happy Mothers Day...

 

Betty, I am glad to know that you are outdoors and doing your thing. Tell us what you have been doing if you can. Have you traveled? How is your Sister? Does the squirrel still stop by?

Becky, your yard looks lovely, the flowers growing are proof of spring, the pool is just plain wonderful. Our flowers are great too. The azaleas are brightly colored like yours, the anenomes dance in the breeze, and so many other flowers are about to pop open. Lovely lovely.

 

Carol Dear, so so good to see Mike smiling out at us today. I am so pleased to know that you are doing fine. I didn't know that Kameron was living with you, what a goodness for you both. I wish you a beautiful spring, and I know that you will find many heart-shapes that will signal your Two Mikes.

Peace All

[Mermaid Tears]

I realized years and years and years ago...that every day was 'Mother's Day' for me...I did not have to have a special day dedicated to being a Mom on the calendar...for when those babies were placed in my arms and hearts...I felt 'chosen'...'honored'....'blessed'....and I felt this rush of being of royalty...and like a Queen I presided over my kingdom of my home and babies...shaping a theme of everyday care..wrapping all my love around them.

This can be a shattering day for many parents...and as I have written before....John David wasn't the only child I loved...He is the only child that died. Two years ago I realized that my heart was already heartsick and heartbroken...Mother's Day could not break it anymore....I cannot grieve any deeper than I do on the other 364 days of the year. I do feel the broken circle. I do miss his voice. I do hear the broken chord of the song.

I do have to let my other adult children and grandchildren celebrate this day for me....I welcome their gifts , flowers and hugs and kisses. This is tradition and .........continuity and family. Each parent will find their own way in how they choose to heal those broken places. I pray every morning that HE will give me support and strength to sustain me and help me sustain my family. It is a learning process. We learn different ways in which we cope and carry this grief.

Sending healing and care to all the parents.

[ericasmom]

I am saying extra prayers that after a day of severe weather in Oklahoma and now Texas again, that all are safe and accounted for. Gretchen, Susan, Leah you are out in the plains as well, doing okay? Be safe and let us know how you are when you can.

 

Goodnight and deep sleep...

[StyleJ]

To all the mothers on Mother's day...My heart goes out to you..

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, StyleJ.....it is a Father that has lost a child to know how a Mother feels...we all walk in the same shoes now...

 

Dee....we are fine in Brenham, Texas.....we are in the sweet spot...I call it that cause we don't get those storms....but I do know Gretchen and Leah are in the path...

Has anyone heard from Kate...really would like to have an update of/from her...

[tobyfreefoot]

Hope I have a chance to go back and read later. Did check back and saw shannon's post. Glad country life agrees with you. Also it is nice to be understood about disassociation. It is quite hard to explain. took my mom on a road trip for mother's day. Went by and cleaned up the roadside memorial.  

I saw horses playing. I actually felt pleasure watching them! Susan I still have a before and after but with DP  I really had nothing at all. Not even sadness.

My good friend dates my boss so when weather got bad she called to remind him to get me when the sirens went off because I am in a room alone with really loud machinery and can't hear them. He did. One time everyone went to the shelter and I never knew until they came to say sorry we forgot about you lol. She said she is going to call from now on lol. Marshall's old girlfriend's best friend killed today on a car wreck. Nick cave says "the world is filled with suffering, it flows through life like water" seems like it is a never ending stream.

im so sorry to all new people here.this is a good place to get live and the kind of understanding that is so hard to find outside.

i found an email for Forest's 9 th grade teacher. She loved him so. So I sent her a message. She always called him fox, she immediately wrote back and said she wanted to meet with me next week.

also found someone to come out soon and look into repairing Forest's memorial

[InHeavensKeeping]

I feel scared to post nowadays as I'm so anxious I should be feeling better than I do by now. Twenty months (607) days and I feel more and more like I just want to join him 

Still waiting for the IPPC to finish investing their part in James's case. Then we've got the courts to face again. So scared just want the Truth and Justice too. 

Going to the TCF day in a couple of weeks. I think it's what we both need and crave understanding and listening among people like us. 

Gretchen I am going to James's roadside memorial today we always try to go on the 11th each month it's the last place he was alive.  

I prayed for all on your Mother's Day I know how hard this day is to be without our child. 

God bless xx

[Donnah]

 Hi all, like you all Mothers day was a bitter sweet day. Facebook has a memories thing and what popped up but a Dylan wishing me a happy Mother's Day a few years ago.

This time last year we flew to Rarotonga with Dylan and his partner and had a most fabulous time.

Today I received the hospital report and basically they feel they did enough for Dylan and his death was nothing to do with them. Needless to say I've cried an ocean again. My precious son should be here but lack of medical care and information means he is not. The flashbacks and guilt that I should have been able to save him exhaust me.

This week I received a special delivery. A wonderful lady makes glass Bracelet beads with ashes in them so I got a green one to match Dylan's car, I now have a tiny piece of him to wear wherever I go. 

sending hugs to you all xx 

[daveydow1]

YIKES------I'm so behind on BI.  I'll try to catch up.

First, I want to thank everyone for the lovely Mothers Day greetings. I know

that it  can be so difficult for everyone.

Becky-----Thanks for your kind words.  Also,  I love the Mothers day sentiment

with J.D's beautiful picture.  Your flowers are so pretty, and look so healthy.

 

Georgina----Must thank you for the lovely little poem for Lisa's birthday.  Very

heartfelt words,.....and comforting.  Also, thank you for posting the song of 'letters'.

 

Carol---So good to see your post.  Yes....the years go by, and the disbelief and

sorrow continues.  My.......Mike's sons are growing up! So glad they are in your life.

Ralph & Mike are with you always.......looking down with love.

 

Dee-----Your school year will be ending soon.   I hope that you have a nice relaxing

summer.  How are your flowers/garden?  It has been so cool/cold here that our flowers are

sort of in a 'holding pattern'.  Should warm up soon, though.....I hope. 

 

Laurie----thank you for the pretty Mothers Day greetings that you posted.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,.......Sherry

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi Diane thank you for your words they meant so much. I know your right I couldn't put my family through this I wouldn't it's just the day James died, that day, has changed my life forever.  I knew I would never be quite the same again.  That day has become my different yesturday and is permanently etched on my mind forever. I sometimes think I will die of sadness.

l heard about a lady who has recently lost her son from a lady who I've been talking to for months who works  in a charity.  I offered my support and she called tonight her son was killed when he was pushed off the road by a boy racer a witness saw the accident .  She was besides herself so raw with none to support her  she lost her mum and dad last year Luke was her only child  he was 30  she was desperate to find the answers  having problems getting the facts from the Police sounds familiar .  I told her about this forum, Road peace, TCF and Break  how the support is invaluable life saving at times and offered to chat any time she needed to  

Diane I think this helped me see how far we've come on this heart wrenching every second changing journey it's just so tough being stuck in this place waiting waiting for news and something to happen  

Take care Diane  xx

Sherry that's ok hope your ok xx

Donna loved the keepsake so special and heartfelt  

God Bless xx

 

[ericasmom]

Georgina, I do believe that right at the two-year mark, I had my loudest and longest cry, I fell to pieces as we approached two years, something about the very length of time, the very day after day, year after year of it all hit me hard. You feel as though you should be feeling stronger-better-more lively, but the truth of it is that you don't. Everyone is different. Court cases dragged out are also a drag on one's energy and sense of hope...all of the variables play into how we find ourselves after a given time, but I would say that most of us were feeling much the way you are now, when we were at that mark of time. Don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. One thing that may help you feel a bit more motivated or energized is to get outside each day that you can...find an activity that may become a hobby if you can, because doing that helps retrain our brains somewhat to take in something good and make room for it. The more we do that, the more room we have in our minds and hearts and spirits for goodness. It sounds like a simpleton's idea, but I do find that this adding to one's day is very helpful as long as it is adding something that is positive.

 

Sherry, good to see you. Yes, our gardens are doing well, many flowers liked the cold I guess but oh the rain...it has been very gray adn I fear that we are in the same rainy pattern as last spring when so little in the veggie garden did well. Not enough sunshine. Hopefully, it will change and become sunnier. It has been cool and we may get down to the 30's on Saturday night.YIKES! So anyhow, the flowers look beautiful, the white anenomes and the giant allium both reddish adn white are lovely, the Korean Lilac, the iris and the forget me nots, the bluebells...all so pretty this year. I hope it warms up for you too, I imagine it will, but who knows when???

Be well All,

[tobyfreefoot]

I saw where my daughter wrote to Marshall's old girlfriend how she still sometimes gets out her brother's things even though it's been years. Could that be right. I guess our difference in ages causes it to look differently. Time is relative and it doesn't seem like years to me. I am barely starting to heal a little but she is pregnant with her third child since then. It is good for her, seems si sad to me though.

I have discovered I am not that thrilled to have all my feelings back. Seems like DP was something I might like to be able to turn on with a switch. Seems like I'm feeling way too much now. I am tearing up at everyone's sorrows all day now and I can feel angry. I guess so long since I felt anything it all seems very intense. I won't let myself really think about Forest yet. I'm afraid I'll come unglued.

Someone gave good advice up there that your loved ones will still be wherever they are now when your time is through here so stay so those on earth won't have to suffer more grief. It is hard to use that for motivation but I'm sure we have to hang on for everyone else's sake. That is love I guess, it isn't easy.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Gretchen,

I understand that feeling of going from feeling nothing at all to everything all at once... I wrote about it once... the floodgates of grief... and there does seem to be so much sadness and sometimes I have to separate from the 'outside world' when I'm in a hyper-emotional place... no news, no facebook (I spend more time deactivated than activated and I'm not really sure why I don't delete it completely.) And I don't understand 'time' at all anymore.

Becky,

I loved the beautiful pictures of all the life blossoming in your yard... so pretty!

Mother's Day was bittersweet, in ways only a grieving parent can know. It was a beautiful weekend and my boys went flower shopping with me and helped me get Trista's garden looking pretty. I'm blessed beyond words to have them but my part of my heart and soul is missing. I know you all understand. Trista's irises bloomed that weekend though. They always bloom around Mother's Day and while I know that's the way of irises, no one will convince me that it's not my gift from my Girl. I need that.

Liam the baby goat is doing well... growing fast and catching up with his Sis. I don't understand why he was rejected. He's perfectly healthy but I guess because he was small. He had a herniated 'belly button' but that has straightened itself out. He's just the sweetest little thing... but it is time to start the transition to the barn. He's healthy, eating on his own, and he is, after all, a goat... with hooves... even if he does think he's a cat. When I wake up in the morning to him standing on my back and nibbling my hair... no matter how cute it is... it kind of hurts.

Zak's gf is flying in from NM to spend a month with us this summer. It will be odd to have another 'woman' in the house. As it is, except for my two little kittens... the house is filled with everything boy.

I've been working on the final plans for Trista's memorial stone. It's hard... very hard... but I will feel a relief to finally have it placed... and as you all know, it is a labor of love.

This time of year is hard... even going on three years. The world is as it was... the way the sunlight shines on the bright green leaves of spring... the scents in the air... the sounds... all of it can take me back so easily and I think... three years ago ... She was here.

I miss Trista with every single cell in my body. I try not to think a lot... I keep busy... but sometimes I can't help but let my mind go... and it hurts so much... but I think it's also important to allow it.

It's a beautiful day today but cold weather heading in. I'm holding off on putting my tomatoes, peppers, etc in the garden until after Sunday when we are supposed to see 30's again... yuck!

I'm going to post some pictures of Trista's garden. When we moved last year, one of the hardest things was leaving her garden. That garden was truly what helped me survive that first and second year in ways I could never explain. So many of the flowers were gifts from family and friends and more hours than I can count were spent there. I brought EVERYTHING and one of the first things I did, even before unpacking, was put in a garden here. I needed to have that space for her. Last year it wasn't much and the plants I brought were looking quite rough after three days of moving in the hot sun. I kept some in pots through the fall and winter and they are all thriving again. I still have a lot to do. I haven't even started on her lilies but her garden is coming together and creating this space for her is still as good for me now as it always was.

Sending much love to all and wishes for a peaceful weekend.

[daveydow1]

YIKES------I'm so behind on BI.  I'll try to catch up.

First, I want to thank everyone for the lovely Mothers Day greetings. I know

that it  can be so difficult for everyone.

Becky-----Thanks for your kind words.  Also,  I love the Mothers day sentiment

with J.D's beautiful picture.  Your flowers are so pretty, and look so healthy.

 

Georgina----Must thank you for the lovely little poem for Lisa's birthday.  Very

heartfelt words,.....and comforting.  Also, thank you for posting the song of 'letters'.

 

Carol---So good to see your post.  Yes....the years go by, and the disbelief and

sorrow continues.  My.......Mike's sons are growing up! So glad they are in your life.

Ralph & Mike are with you always.......looking down with love.

 

Dee-----Your school year will be ending soon.   I hope that you have a nice relaxing

summer.  How are your flowers/garden?  It has been so cool/cold here that our flowers are

sort of in a 'holding pattern'.  Should warm up soon, though.....I hope. 

 

Shannon----Trista's garden is just lovely. You've done such a good job of it.....and as

you say.....it was a labor of love, and brings you peace, comfort, and feeling your

dear daughter's spirit.  Love the little goats stories.

 

Laurie----thank you for the pretty Mothers Day greetings that you posted.

 

Babies, ........Peter..........Taylor,........Lisa.............Some of the littlest angels in heaven.

Bless their little white souls.

 

Sorry for the double post......not sure how that happened.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,.......Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[InHeavensKeeping]

Dee thank you I will try to follow the advice you've given. I just can't think at the moment but it all makes sense. I would love to do a garden memorial like Shannon, so pretty, I think that's why we go to James's grave everyday because we can and do put all our love and emotions into to it. I do sit there and listen to the birds and watch therm carrying on I love the robins ans always feel there a sign from James. I wish we could hear some news from our solicitor it seems to be dragging and I keep loosing hope. Is it so wrong to want the truth?  Thank you Dee. 

Shannon I love Trisas garden so pretty and lovely to have besides the house I would love that. My sister has a farm in an America she also loves animals and has quite a few including three goats she saved from the meat market. They are such characters always up to mischief.  I'm happy for you that everything is working out for you and your boys in your new home xx

Becky just love the picture so funny. The flowers are beautiful I love the pool now I see why you want the rain to stop xx

Sherry I love your quote for our babies. Thank you xx

My granddaughter is one now and just started walking She's definately Heaven sent !!! 

God Bless xxx

[InHeavensKeeping]

One of our Robins at the grave. Xx

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I am glad to hear that you folks were not in the storms path that week. Thanks for all the encouraging poems and writings you find to post. It was good to hear that your family was in visiting. I have not heard much from Kate, I think she and Ross has an upcoming trip to her other son this late spring.

Georgina, thanks for the pictures of your granddaughter. Love her shoes...that is such a fun age. I think of you often as this trial drags on, it is very draining.

Sherry, it is still very chilly and rainy here. A friend of mine told me that our milk prices are so low that they are dumping milk down the drain. Thank you for recognizing all the little babies that are in their heavenly home. It was good to see Taylor's name in print.

Shannon, the garden looks so inspiring. it looks just as beautiful in its new home as it did before. Also, sending gentle thoughts as you finish Trista's memorial marker.

Style, please come again and post as you are able. This place has been a lifeline to me and to so many others.

Dianne, thanks for posting about feeling Michael's words you felt impressed upon you. Those sharp, dark moments do seem to be a part of grief for many people.

Gretchen, I have a hard time letting in to much information about Jesse too...maybe feeling "frozen" is a coping mechanism built in...thought I read that you had cleaned up Forest's road marker area. Did the man who is supposed to repair Forest's marker come out yet?

Donnah, I am sorry to hear that the hospital is not responding much to your efforts on behalf of Dylan. Is there anything more that can be done. How special to have those glass bead made up to carry your son no matter where you are.

Becky, thanks for the pic of the squirrel...could not agree more!

Carol, how good to see your son's face light up the site. I am glad that your grandson is around for you and that you share that special relationship with him.

Dee, I agree more with the words you posted to Georgina, perfectly said. How are the grand kids? Haven't seen their pics for awhile, bet they are growing like weeds!

 

 

 

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Becky,

I so agree with the squirrel!

Sherry,

Thank you. Trista's garden definitely is a labor of love for me. Seeing the names of the 'Littlest Angels' touched me... I can't imagine. I know what's it's like to lose my Tris.. I know some here have lost two children... or only children... I just can't imagine... any more than I could have imagined being on this path before I was.

Dianne,

Thank you. Trista's garden has been a healing place for me.

Georgina,

I loved seeing the pictures of the robin... I love those little visitors. I have had tons of butterflies and every one of them makes me think of my Girl. Your Grandgirl is so sweet. What a little cutie! Your sister's farm sounds a little like mine. I have my three goats I got for dairy purposes but then my friend begged me to take Kirby... He was hand raised and bottle fed like my Liam and was about to go to Market... then she saved three bunnies... I told her if she keeps bringing me homeless animals I'm going to be rescue instead of a farm.

Dee,

I completely agree with making time to get outdoors as much as possible. I took that advice early on and it was so needed. I found some solace in Trista's garden... just walking was so important for me... still is. There is something about walking... no matter how tired I am... once I start I get in a zone and could probably walk for days. It's meditative. I also tried about everything... looking for something to help with anxiety and panic... cooking, baking, knitting, painting... some things stuck and some didn't but I did find things that truly worked for me and the creative process is, in itself, healing... I think.

My little man is sound asleep and my baby goat has had his last feeding so I'm settling in for the night.

Peace and much love to all.

Shannon

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, love all the photos...Georgina, indeed your Grandgirl is BEAUTIFUL, just precious.

Shannon, the Trista Garden is gorgeous, simply a testament to the love and growth that we experience in our lives because of our Children and the love that is for all time.

Becky, still laughing at the squirrel raising his paws to the skies. No kidding.

Laurie,, the kids are good, we were with them last night and they are the source of my deeply grateful soul...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

 it finally did stop, and my daughters boyfriend took me to the cemetery to start the expansion project I started planning months ago! The only thing I could do was tell him what to do, as I physically just can't do much of anything. I did hand him things, and put my foot on the landscape cloth until he got the spikes in!  I guess that's something.

 

We decided to purchase extra lots on either side of ours at the cemetery, and to finish it to match what we already did, so that in the future we will always be able to clean our family plot without walking over someone else's grave. We still need to go get the 8  foot long treads that will go on each side that you can walk on, and then will fill what's left with more black river rock, which is right now in boxes on my front porch! Then when we're done we will decorate around Jared's individual marker with the stones that were painted at his birthday party. These are the things now that keep me moving forward. Unbelievable that we are in our fifth everything without him here. 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi did anyone see this. Just seen them on Facebook. 

[ericasmom]

Oh my goodness Georgina, those are amazing images...Angels! They have reached Heaven.

 

Sherry, yes, our last day of school is June 8th, and yet there is still so much to teach, but I am loving my Kids and will miss them. We have many events to ready ourselves towards adn then there will be another set of report cards, which I hate. So, mentally and physically, I will be ready for the break. I look forward to it.

Edited May 15, 2016 by ericasmom
too big

[flocicero]

Well it's been forever since I last visited....the last few months have been so difficult. I've been in a hole trying to find my way out....I'm at the 20 month mark & I'm trying to figure out why things suddenly are worse ...,,,,or is it my imagination.....I cry on the way to work & then I work so hard so I don't have to think of Michael but once the day is over, I cry on my way back home....Diane I still have thoughts of getting a bottle of pills & ending it all....I just want to find my son but I know how much that would hurt my Christopher.....

shannon, Trista's garden is simply beautiful .....I want to plant a flowering tree in my front yard.....just trying to decide what I want...

my sister recently told me that she had gone to see a physic medium back in December because she's been struggling with a relationship.....the medium wanted to know if my sister had a son or nephew that recently passed because there was a young boy present around the age of 11-12...my sister informed her that her nephew had passed but he was 30 years old....she asked my sister if Michael had been bullied about his weight when he was young & if he had a difficult childhood....my sister wasn't sure & told her that....the medium informed her that the reason he was coming through as a young boy is that he needs to work through those issues.... I was shocked....Michael struggled with his weight all his life & he was bullied as a child & he talked about it often as an adult....his childhood was difficult ....my husband was difficult to live with at that time.....he was often verbally abusive.....

she told my sister that Michael wanted us to know his death was an accident, she also asked my sister if Michael had a child that died because he had an infant boy with him & they were very happy together......I believe Michaels girlfriend (the evil witch that let him die) had an abortion.....I remember Michael telling me he thought she was pregnant & I wasn't happy with the news because I felt he wasn't ready, he was still recovering plus I had strong reservations about her.....sometimes I think if I had reacted differently, he would be here....the medium also wanted to know if someone was with Michael when he passed because she felt there was a dark presence....that would have been her....she was there when he died & she never got help....she robbed him & left.....

how is it possible for this woman (medium) to have gotten all of this right? My sister never said a word to her about the situation.....I want to go see her but I will not let her know who I am or that my sister had been there.....I still get shivers thinking about it.....

good night friends....will try to get back soon.....Gods love to you

francesca

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, how big the Grandkids are getting already! It seems like they are always busy at that age...I had Benton chasing squirrels at the park, wow, can that kid run! I bet the kids are itching to get out of school about right now...

Georgina, thanks for sharing the pics. Many people find comfort and signs from the sky it seems.

Francesca, what a reading that was. I do believe there are some that have the ability to see the unseen. It brought some comfort to you to know life carries on, that is good. You may be interested in a web site called Helping Parents Heal managed by Elizabeth Boisson which believes in this approach. 

Susan, thinking of you today...missing your postings...hope all is well. .

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[ericasmom]

Georgina, your space for James is beautiful.

Becky, how nice that your Daughter has such a good man in her life, that he is so helpful to you with the cemetery designs. It looks lovely.

Francesca, my goodness, you and Georgina said nearly identical things, Dianne too, that it feels worse with time rather than better, but please read what many have said, tha tthe time frame you find yourself in, is for many, a very hard time. Approaching two years is an unbelievable reality, it is a reckoning in many ways. How can it be? How has this much time gone past without my Lovely Child here? It is a mark of time that sets us on our butts again, unable to figure out where in the world we are some days. But no, it is not time for you to go, even if you wish you could...there are others counting on you staying. I love that the psychic felt and saw all that she did, and I hope it gives you some measure of hope knowing that Mike is more than fine where he is. HE is. It does not change the terrible conditions under which he died, but it does let you know that he is still Mike and he will be awaiting you when it is your time. He will.

Laurie, yep, the kids are growing and I love being a part of their lives. We pick them up from daycare two days a week after I get off of work and take care of them until my Daughter-in-law gets home. My Son works till 9:00 PM those two nights each week so it is helpful to them, and a joy for us, though we are sore and stiff afterwards, nothing compares to the warmth in our hearts. Our Grandies chase bunnies, of which there are many this year.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Thank you all for your kind words about Trista's Garden... It is a comfort to me somehow and now that I've moved three hours away I can't get to her site at the cemetery as often. I used to go a few times a week. 

 

I also struggled a lot at the two year mark. It was so hard. And now at three it still is but different... I think only in that I might have a little more footing in carrying this grief ... 

 

Becky, I'm so glad your daughter's boyfriend was able to help with Jared's site. Please posts updates as you finish. 

 

Laurie, I bet your little grandson is getting big too! 

 

Thinking of the little ones chasing squirrels and bunnies made me smile. Aiden is 6 now and still loves to chase the chickens. 

 

Dee, your grandkids are too sweet. It was a strange feeling to see them so big... The passage of time still feels so foreign. It's wonderful that you get that time with them. 

 

Francesca, That does sound like an amazing reading. I also saw a medium. It was a good thing for me. The website Laurie mentioned was mentioned to me too by the medium I saw. I know it's not for everyone but I was glad I did it. 

 

Dianne, I'm happy Liam makes you smile! He does me. He came at a good time for me. Spring is hard. He keeps me busy and caring for him has been such a neat experience for me and the boys. 

 

I got two new little girls today. Daisy (white) and Clover (black). They are about the same age as Lilly and Liam.  The man I got them from said he sold 80 babies this year as house pets. One man wanted a goat as a travel companion. He's a truck driver. I guess Goats are the new cat! 

 

I think a lot of how much Tris would love this place and I wish she were here to see... But I believe she does... It's more that I wish I could see her. I miss her terribly. My insomnia has been back. I'm sure it's the time of year. I still at almost three years can't sleep without the television on... Something to distract my mind. 

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.  Shannon 

[TearsInHeaven]

 

x

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Dianne,

I'm thinking of you today and sending you love and prayers... I know these dates are so hard and bittersweet... missing your Michael... but holding close those memories of the day you first held him in your arms... memories we wouldn't trade for the world... Big hugs to you today.

Michael Michael Michael... saying your name out loud today in honor of you. Be close to your Mom today and wrap her in your love...

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

I have read all the above posts....Daniel and I went to New Orleans....he played in a poker tournament at Harrahs  for two days...I have been going to New Orleans since I was real young...my Grama loved flowers and in the 50's they would have 2 huge flower exhibits...they had many friends that lived in the Garden District..so I know the French Quarter like it was my second home..we lived in Slidell for many years..Daniel's office was in One Canal Place..so I packed a suitcase of memories...and I walked with ghosts.

I think it is normal to have thoughts of 'ending it all'....we have all been at that place....what we really want is for the pain and heavy grief we carry to be able to lay aside....take it off our hearts. This kind of grief is very, very heavy and dark. With each passing day we find ways to carry it. I think that going outside for awhile each day is very healing. I bought a treadmill for my house and walk every day....to help with the insomnia....the insomnia comes and goes...I simply have no control over it....I just take it as it comes.

The second year was like hitting a brick fence....the first year was the Year of Firsts....the second year dawned and I had  another year ahead of me like the last. I would still wake up each morning and wonder..'What will I do without you?'   then pray for strength and support to sustain me and help me sustain my family. I was facing another year without my boy and it looked like a black hole. I know that coming here to this site every day did help sustain me. I still need the support of every parent on this site.

Becky...what a gentleman that young man is to give that kind of help. Applause for him.

Shannon...love that garden. I see so much Mama Love. Mother Nature is covering you with her healing.

Dee....those babies are growing so fast....so blessed to live so close.

Georgina...she is a Darling Diva...

Laurie....what was the site you mentioned ? Please post again.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dianne....please give yourself a hug from me...I know how these marker days can be....then give yourself another hug for your courage...as Dee says...we are so brave to live one more day after we lose our child. I have had those tiny moments when I feel that 'all is going to be ok'...they are rare...fleeting...and I call them my Grace Gifts....I cannot reproduce them when I want....or when I need them....I do hope that in the stillness...you shall feel your boy close by.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thinking of you today Dianne on this very special Day.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Michael.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, here is the link to the Helping Parents Heal Newsletters. I read the stories that many bereaved parents in their newsletter submit which have been helpful. 

http://www.helpingparentsheal.info/#!links/c1yng

Good to hear about the trip over to New Orleans. I always heard about how good the food is there.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

[InHeavensKeeping]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Micheal. God Bless Diane xx

 

[ericasmom]

Michael, So Beautiful in All you Do, please take some time today to sit near your Momma and let her feel your presence...this day...no matter how bittersweet, will always hold the loveliest of memories; the day that brought you to your loving Family. Happy Birthday Sweet Man.

 

Dianne, lean on us as you travel these days- We have your back, we have your heart.

[TearsInHeaven]

x

[InHeavensKeeping]

Oh God I had another blip with this forum. For some reason I missed all the posts after the picture I put up of the clouds. When I opened the page I just put in the last number so I bypassed the replies on the page befor . So annoying . 

Thank you to you all for the comments about our grandchild she is indeed heaven sent. 

I feel as we get closer to the two year marker afraid, so anxious this grief is here to stay nothing will bring James back I have this yearning for James I can't explain  its just so overwhelming at times that I feel like  it swallows me up. I'm still waiting for the sign to come that he's ok. I want to feel with all my heart that we will be together again one day but I can't I'm so terrified I won't I know my faiths being really tested since this happened. But I do know I have so much to be grateful for I just miss james so much and cannot hardly bare my life without him. 

Becky the grave is looking amazing  x

Dee your grandkids are just lovely I love how you describe how you feel "sore and stiff afterwards "xx

Trista I love the picture of you baby goats with your baby boy xx

Susan Thankyou for the words "at that exact moment every single thing about my life changed forever" so absolutely true X 

laurie thanks for the link , the song such a beautiful version  and your words xx

Diane I really love that you had that moment of "ok" xx

God Bless Xx 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Dianne and Georgina and everyone else in that second year... being now toward the end of my third and looking back... I agree with what Susan wrote about hitting a brick wall. For me... when the shock first started to fall away... just a bit... and the though of 'forever' you both wrote about started hitting me... It was a really hard time... Everyone here is holding you close in our hearts, I know.

Susan, It was so good to see your post. I've been away from the site for awhile and have truly missed all of you.

This time of year is so hard for me... I am blessed that I have so much good to focus on... Homeschool with Aiden, all the end of the year stuff for Zak's junior year, baby chicks, baby goats... and I am learning... very slowly... how to carry this grief... But this time of year and getting closer to Trista's Angel Date does bring a lot of anxiety and I know it may always. I had to go to town today to pick up some stuff from the Ag store. Aiden didn't want to go and so he stayed home with Zak, who is 17 and more than capable of watching his brother for 20 min.. That trip to the store was pretty awful.I know it's part of PTSD. If the boys are both with me I'm usually fine...but in that 20 min. my mind imagined everything that could possibly go wrong. It's always a fear for my other children now.. I know I'm not alone in that but as I near the anniversary my fears go into overdrive. I made it to the store and back... fighting the urge to turn around and go home all the way.

Laurie,

Here is the screenshot I was telling you about. I just searched 'poems about grief' looking for something I liked for the balloon release on Trista's Angel Day and there was that Jesse David smile. It took me by surprise but made me smile.

Peace and Love to all tonight...

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Diane, Happy Heavenly Birthday to Michael! I hope all of our angels celebrated with him, dancing, singing, joyful.

Here is a poem I wrote in my first year of this grief journey,    and a favorite  picture of my boy,  I loved all the pictures of the kids and grandkids posted! Brings tears to my eyes to witness their beauty and their innocence.i wish my great niece's and nephews were closer by, as there is healing in spending time with them, as it gives me hope that goodness still exists.

 

 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Becky, That is a beautiful picture of Jared.  I love your poem. It's very much how I feel this time of year.  I'm very grateful for Spring and the busyness... for new life and warmer days and all the beauty that comes with it... but my Girl isn't here and that changes everything. This is a poem I wrote 2 years ago around this time... nearing the end of my first year without Tris. 

 

Demeter and Persephone, The Dance of the Mother and Daughter A Song of Spring for Trista

Arise from your sleep, Beautiful Child 

Come up from the darkness to greet the sun 

The deep sleep of winter is over 

The awakening has begun 

Your fresh rains will bring renewal 

To the barren lands of your Mother 

As the tears I’ve cried for you, my Love 

Will herald your arrival 

For it is only you who fills my heart 

With the love that lets the crocus bloom 

Your beauty, your innocence, your color and light 

Will give every blossom hue 

The Earth will rejoice 

And the flowers will laugh 

To see Mother and Daughter together 

Come take my hand, My Beautiful Girl 

Dance through the fields of heather 

Bringing abundance with every step 

Life will flourish in your wake 

Color my world again with your laughter 

And the beauty you create 

My heart was frozen in the bleakness 

In the absence of your light 

Now I cherish your return 

From our darkest night 

The iris will sway 

In the sweet breeze of your breath 

As you awaken your Mother 

From her wintery death 

You will embrace the land 

With your ambrosia wind 

And the sky is filled with rainbows 

As our sacred dance begins 

The Earth will sing at your return  

A song too divine for mortal ears 

But they will see and their souls will know 

As the butterflies return to fields

Shannon Lindstrom 2014

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, sorry you lost that post..

...for me at the second year it was still just a small step at a time...I find that there has been a lot of adjustments needed in my life to manage the anxiety...I do think sharing here...did and does still help me tremendously...there was a mom I recently met whose son passed in 2011, and she had no where to really share and talk about him...I do hope she visits here...

One piece of advice I read from another bereaved  parent...was "Everything helped a little, nothing helped a lot." I have found that to be true.

Becky, I really like that picture of Jared, that is done so perfectly. Love the softness in it. Thanks for sharing the poem you wrote...

Shannon, also thanks for sharing the poem you wrote for Trista...it suites her very well.  Is everything just about done for her Marker? 

About the screenshot...how incredible, the name above him looks like Julie, that was my sister's name, Julie Perry...it was her angelversary on Monday...I agree with the pics to the right of him too, the angels, he was my best friend... Thank you for sharing this with me -- it was very meaningful.

Dee, are you still having Erifest this year? 

Susan, how are things with you?

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Oh God just missing James so much. Thought I'd share this such pretty words. 

Thank you Laurie I really agree with this  statement "Everything helped a little, nothing helped a lot " so true.  I truly couldn't have of survived without all your support and the guidance given here Xx

God Bless Xx 

 

[flocicero]

Diane, I'm sorry I missed Michaels birthday......I know how hard that day was for you; I do hope you felt his love.....this second year is so overwhelming......

shannon, the poem for Trista is so beautiful ....so heart wrenching.......and Becky your poem expresses exactly how I feel......heaven, it's where I long to be .......

ive been attending a wonderful church across the street from my house ever since I moved back here to Wisconsin ....I'm also involved in a bible study every Monday night with a small group of women......I've never read the bible before , much less tried to study it.....I'm truly enjoying this.......I read somewhere the other night that it sometimes takes a tragedy to bring one back to God......I'm trying so hard to figure this out......I feel so incredibly desperate.....just so lonely without my baby boy.....

peace & love my friends

francesca

[TearsInHeaven]

x