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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, ModKonnie....this site has helped me survive...I do not have a circle of friends that has lost a child...so I survive day by day....with the caring and 'knowing' parents on this site....

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Mermaid Tears

Donnah....I, too, cherish my photos...sometimes I wince...sometimes I smile....

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JD's Mom, Becky

Testing to see if signature shows up. It didn't work, but I was able to change my display name.

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Mermaid Tears

Donnah....love that photo of your boy....we blessed and released John David's ashes...(about 50%...into the Gulf of Mexico at Port Aransas, Texas...the other 50% went into urns for each of his siblings and us)....we return each August to 'love and remember' him...at Port Aransas....it was his stomping grounds when he was a teen-ager and forever....it is a good thing to have a place to go to that your child loved...and where happy memories are all around....

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Today's meeting with palmy hospital re Dylan's 'lack of' care was a waste of time. They had nothing to tell us the review hasn't been completed, they just wanted to introduce themselves and find out what we had to say. So I gave them my 22 questions/concerns etc. As we were outside leaving and discussing what a waste of time it was the hospital CEO was walking in stopped and asked us to come inside and speak to her. She seemed to take our concerns aboard more seriously and I left her a copy of my concerns. She is going to look into what's going on. 

Again I have slept till only 4 am. Then I lay awake thinking of Dylan. 

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Mermaid Tears

Donnah...your SONShine boy is very handsome and vibrant....he still is....all is well.

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I agree with Susan, Donnah, your Son is all heart and smiles. He is smiling on you now, always. I do so hope that the CEO listens well and does something to change the protocol in the hospital.

Peace,

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

Donnah, what a handsome young man! That landscape looks quite rugged. I take it he had a love of outdoors?

 

Susan, I love your picture with your fat bellied boy! So precious! I know what you mean about viewing pictures, how one day it's a blessing, and another will take our breath away. I found some dvd's this week of Jasmine and Jared when they were little, and I couldn't stop watching, but then couldn't sleep at all that night, and ended up coming downstairs in the wee hours and just broke down and sobbed. It still hurts so much. And I think sometimes it has hurt worse this year, in our fifth without him.

 

I hope all our regular members find their way in this new format.... Kate, Sherry, Gretchen..... Thinking of you!

 

The weather has been nice this past week, and I am making plans to work on our cemetery plots soon.I can't physically do most of it, but I am a good planner, and have ordered more blocks and stones to expand to include the extra plots we bought on either side of our existing plot. We are seeing a lot more "neighbors" there, and hope with identifying our borders that it will keep people from walking through, which has happened. and some of our flower arrangements and such have been trampled and even broken this year. I will take pictures when everything is here and we can begin work. I guess because taking care of it makes me feel I honor Jared by doing so, it does give me somthing  to look forward to.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....I found that 'post/photo' on FB....it is not me.....

I do understand how our cherished memories that are priceless...are also...painful....as for me I had to lift myself up...and all the 'precious' things...I decided was keeping me in a dark, dark place of yesterday...I did not put them away...just aside. I think for me...it was something I needed to do for myself..until I am more balanced. I live in two worlds of 'before and after' now...and I know for my emotional and physical health...I needed a break from that kind of longing. Of course, we have all the portraits, photos....and his ''chair'....and I am just like you....if I spend the day with my memories...I seem to have a harsh insomnia night. You have been a great teacher for all of us to maintain 'self care'.

Years ago....we would go with my paternal grandparents on one week-end....and then go with my maternal grandparents another week-end to the cemetery to have a 'clean the family plot'....we would take a large picnic lunch...and rakes..shovels..gloves and spend the day cleaning the family cemetery. In the early summer...it would really be a huge family reunion of sorts. My Grama Essie said that was the way a family honored their loved ones. Just as you think and say. Please post photos for us...you have done an amazing job of creating such loving tribute /monument/memory for your SONshine boy. Please post some photos for the new parents to see.

I worry if new parents will be able to find this site....if it posts the post from 2004....it is not easy to find the active ones.

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JD's Mom, Becky

One of the first things we did in honor of our son, was to post a sign by the very area of the road where he landed after bring hit and where he died. For the first month, the blood on the road was still clearly visible, as there had been a foot wide path from near the center all the way to the grass on the side of the road, and the neighbor that lived there gave us permission to place this sign.

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We also had to order a family marker and Jared's marker for the cemetery, as we had never even considered needing a cemetery plot.

FB_IMG_1458088278366.thumb.jpg.a549e9f53FB_IMG_1458088310707.thumb.jpg.4be4180f3 here is Jared's marker..

FB_IMG_1458089399350.jpg.07f4f83917491d1 Then we decided to install 4x4 billboards at each end of our neighborhood to try to slow the traffic as the speed limit was just too high for a neighborhood. 

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We have made improvements to the cemetery over time. I will have to locate those pictures.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....I am always amazed at the labor of love you and your family put into Jared's Memorial...and the seeking of justice...and your effort in trying to help the community in not having to have another funeral for a pedestrian...and the fight to lower the speed limit...which can only make the roads safer....

You are truly our Warrior Mom....how has the health issues been? Any improvement ? You were so vital and strong....let this be a warning to all parents that grief can cause severe physical and emotional scars. I do believe with Father Time...Mother Nature...and the care of a good medical staff....you will once again be that strong and vital parent. Well...for sure..'never the same'....but I mean I hope you heal and become healthy for your daughter and husband. You left no stone unturned.

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We went on Monday to our hospital meeting land were told that they had nothing to tell us as yet. They just wanted to introduce themselves.
We told them how loved and missed Dylan is and I pointed out the multiple failings I have found as a result of going over Dylan's notes and the times I was at appointments with him.
They told us "IF" they discover failings at the end of their review which a draft is not due until 16/4 then they will take action. 
As a result we have been left with no choice but to contact the media about Dylan's lack of treatment, let alone knowing nothing has changed for anyone else to avoid getting or be treated for a deep vein thrombosis in a timely fashion. 
Tonight we will sit down with a reporter and hopefully this will stop what happened to Dylan almost 3 months ago happening to others.

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InHeavensKeeping

I would like to think this is a messege to all of us from our angels Xx

God Bless Georgina X 

 

 

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Georgina,What a pretty song from Heaven...and I do think that if we could hear our Angels say something; it would pretty much be that...they are more than fine and we are the ones that need to find ways to keep on keepin on. They want that for us, and they are cheering us on.

 

Lora, how exciting that you will soon be in Chicago and with your Son. I am sure that it will feel wonderful to be with each other this weekend. You are such a go-getter, three jobs plus the help you give your family...I love my alone time too, always have needed it. Thirty pounds? My goodness Girl, did you do any special diet or is it simply your determination and busy life? The Grandies are great Lora I absolutely am crazy in love.

 

I am still not happy with this set up, I was directing three Mom's from my town to this site but then the site changed...it is totally overwhelming to people when they see 2005, as though newbies would know or have the energy to find the current page...

I am working with another momma of a lost adult child to join with other Moms whose losses are fresher than ours, we are trying to assist and answer questions and share literature and sites and whatever else we can. The Mom whose home it was in last week, our first week, is the Mom of Kathy, who drowned in Alaska. Kathy went to school with Erica and Jon, a year older than Erz, a year younger than Jon. Kathy died 4 years after Erica. Two of the Moms lost their Boys a year ago and one 3 years ago. Another Mom lost her Boy 15 years ago. I knew Josh as I knew Kathy. Kathy and JOsh were very close friends and they both attended the school my kids attended. One mom who may come lost her daughter  about 6 months ago. Her grandkids attended Lincoln where I work too, and I knew her daughter as well. There are many of us under the sky, finding our way and lifting up the next person to find their way.

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Well, Monday was the 4th anniversary and it was hard as always.  But, I knew that as I sat in that dark, lonely place and felt the pain, that I would be ok again.  The pain seemed  different, a deeper ache and kind of a resolve, knowing that this is going to come every year and it will hurt but I will go on for my family and for Sarah.   My arms ache to be able to hug her once more, and I know that one day I will be able to do that again.   Until then, I need to live for her and be there for her little girls.  This makes a person really exhausted.

Have a restful night!

Sandy

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Holding you close Sandy, and I am sorry that I missed your Beautiful Daughter, Sarah's Angel date.

Yes, a kind of resolve is a good way to say it, and yes, even our bones ache for that one who left too soon.

 

Sarah, beautiful loving Girl, Woman, Daughter, Mother, Sister, Friend-

You are held in the hearts and spirits of all who know you, taken with them each day as they go to and from daily routines, and you, it is you, that rides shotgun into it all, loved every second of each day. Making sure of them All. Hold your Pretty Momma's hand and let her know what a Brave Woman she is.

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Mermaid Tears

I really like what this guy has to say about grief.....

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JD's Mom, Becky

Happy St. Patrick's Day! My grandfather on my dad's side came to the US from Ireland as a teenager, so I think of him and my great uncle, who arrived with him. FB_IMG_1458239055514.jpg.21a58169410a04c A picture I created of my angelboy, Jared (JD). 

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....love that photo....so much love there....

Lora....I have print screen photos of 'our children'....I was looking through my files and saw your 'Cara'....and I winced and said a prayer for you...each of the parents on this site has to deal with our grief in our own way....we each have to learn how to carry it and go forward....you and so many others have been a part of my journey in learning how to walk this earth home without my John David ...and I pray that I have been a healing friend to all here. Good to hear from you...and yes...keeping busy...has become a positive for me....I have certainly learned some new 'skills'...baking bread, etc....and now I am venturing into a huge garden/landscape learning curve....I also have my apartments...but I have them at the point of being 100% occupied and just an occasional appliance/maintenance call. I know a person needs to have a 'purpose'...I am in this 4th year....and I feel like I am walking out of some cataclysmic earthquake that crashed everything down. There is a lot of ruins...but I am surviving. I hang on to faith with both hands. I know you and your son shall have a great visit...he needs you and you need him...together you form 'hope'...for each other. I am glad to hear your parents and brother are doing well....I know that helps you so very much...and a lot of the burden of care has lifted off you. Good for you in the weight loss...I find grief can go both ways....gaining weight from being paralyzed...losing weight in that you can lose all appetite. I cut fruit up in bite size pieces.. and eat through out the day and I know I have to eat nutrient dense food to keep my energy level up...and bolster my immune system. I find I need to be more of a cheerleader for Daniel...he went into a black mourning around John David's birthday. I think a 'Dad' finds there is no way he can 'fix' the problem..

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Mermaid Tears

I took this photo 3 weeks ago....thinking about my Northern friends....still having snow in some areas....

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Love the sayings you posted Susan, and I love love love, your flower display. Lovely. Our forsthia is starting to bloom, daffodils are about a week or so out, green wonders popping through the dirt. I love it all. My allergies are crazed however!

Thank you Laurie for the saying you posted as well.

Donnah, I wish you some answers.

I really do not like the way this site is set up right now and wish very much to at least have messages in order from latest to oldest rather than reversed...why is this not doable?

 

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I went to Palais Royal last week....and the cutest young girl waited on me...with a hair full of dreadlocks....and I thought of your Eri....so many of the signs Eri has sent you stays with me....every time a parent will post a sign they had from their child gives me a bubble of hope....

I am putting myself on another learning curve....this time...I am venturing into some gardening and landscaping projects...I have been researching for months....I was going to dive into it last year...but....my spirit was not up to it.....one does have to have some kind of Master plan/design....and I have this strong desire to be outside as much as possible....doing something. I am not much of one to just sit...will keep everyone posted....this is really out of my 'persona'....but am ready to dive into it. One of Randa's friends have a small ranch and her two boys brought me some cow manure (dried)....so I can make some 'manure tea'....I do remember my Grama doing that. If I can teach myself to bake bread....who knows. John David would really get a kick out of all this.

I agree with you....about this new set up....I am very concerned about new parents...and when they get on the site...they will see the posts from 2004 and may decide that this site is not active anymore....and I so remember how desperate I was when I finally found it.

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So we got Logans marker set thursday. It is beautiful but does not hold a candle to Logan himself. I'm still having a really hard time. My every thought is him. A lot of his friends showed up. Makes me miss him even more. But it showed me how much he was loved.

Well, I finally got his truck running really well. I will post pictures soon and then I am going to start on the body. Anyways, like I said before it will take a while but it will be the truck he dreamed of.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Susan, thank you for your kind comments on our cemetery memorial for Jared, and for his St. Patty's pic. I always love the pics or posters you post! The flowers are beautiful!  Some of the things it will take to improve and expand our plot have arrived, but the weather is cool and rain predicted, so not sure when we'll actually get started. My diabetes numbers are good. But what takes my energy is the meds for the neuropathy. It takes away the iintense tingling  and pain. But makes me incredibly sleepy. I am not able to get up in my van or to drive. And pretty much feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have only fallen once in the past four or five months, and this last time I didn't break any bones, so am thankful for that.

Wayne, I love the marker! It is beautiful! Still surreal, I know. Hang in there.

Dee. I too am very unsettled with the changes to the forum, and like Susan, wonder how many are out there wandering without help in this worse feeling ever imagined existence. I wrote about my concerns regarding privacy issues on the site, but no response as of yet. 

 

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Hi all, Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, Angel photos etc. Wayne the marker is really lovely. We have had a friend design a bumper sticker using Dylan's car photo with his arm just visible and the skids done on his driveway by some mates. The first ones arrived and I'm stoked. I still don't sleep more than 5 hours and 4 am is a lonely time to ponder. I'll attach the photos of the car, skids and completed artwork. Kind thoughts to all xx 

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I agree that the site is not user friendly and too wonder how many have left the site because it is so complicated and how many have never found it.   I hope someone can fix it.

Our little ladies spent last night and tonight with us.  The anniversary for their Mama was remembered by them as intensely as always.   It amazes me that they remember her so vividly and talk about her daily, many times a day.  They were only 3 and 5 when she left.   They both told their teachers on Monday that it was the day their Mama died.  They go to a good school with loving teachers and I am thankful.  Sarah was a teacher herself and loved her kids as I know you do Dee, and I know she is happy that her girls are cared for by these special teachers.   They wanted to take flowers to her grave today, which we did and we talked about Mama all day.  4 years felt like just yesterday.  Tonight we decided to have movie night and were going through the DVD's and Maddie came across a DVD made of her first year.   We have not looked at this DVD since she died and Maddie didn't remember ever seeing it, and it was very much bittersweet.    It was of course full of family and Sarah was front and center. Oh my goodness, she was so so beautiful and was such a wonderful wife and mommy and so happy with her little family.   My heart feels tattered tonight but glad to gaze at the days that were filled with such joy.   The girls were so happy to see pictures of their mama that they had never seen and it seemed a comfort to them to see her.   My heart breaks for them as I watch them grow up and having to navigate a world without their mother.  Every holiday, every school program, every big moment in their lives there is a big hole.  And they miss her in all of these situations.   But they are precious little ladies and we love them so much.   They are both peacefully sleeping right now and I hope they are dreaming good dreams of mama.

Thank you for letting me share my pain tonight.  You are the only special family that get it.  Please know that I also am so aware of how blessed I am and know that many of you grieve the loss of grandchildren from your child and I hope I do not sound selfish sharing.  I do not want to make anyone feel bad.

Have a restful night.

Sandy

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Sandy, there is not a drop of selfish in you...my goodness you are of course filled with the bittersweet of loss and love and grandchildren. I am happy that the girls were able to see new pictures of their Momma and that you were able to be a part of the experience for them. I am sure it was more than poignant. May they always know the love of their Momma and may you always also know that love coming from Sarah. I am glad that the girls have loving teachers. Vitally important in my view.
 Holding your hand and your heart Sandy, I am very happy that you came here tonight to share.

Becky, the cemetery site is very pretty, what are you going to add? Your photos are a special artistic avenue for your heart, your Boy in brilliant colors.

Wayne, Logan's marker is stunning. Wow. I don't even think it was an option in 2003 to have an etching like that of one's face, but maybe I am wrong. I just don't remember any until a few years later...walking in the cemetery I would begin to notice faces on the stones. Glad that Logan's friends are around you.

Donnah, 4 am is a hard time to ponder indeed. I had trouble sleeping back when loss was new to me as many here have. The green car is great, my favorite color.

Susan, I am glad that the dreadlocked girl reminded you of Eri. I think that it is wonderful that you are diving into a new artistic expression like gardening.

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Mermaid Tears

Donnah....what a creative idea...bumper stickers !!! Your boy is so very loved....love the design. Yes....the insomnia is a symptom of the grief. I said I made insomnia my friend...there is no way to fight it. I still have insomnia but it is 'better'....in that I wake at 4 instead of 2....I bought a treadmill for my house....exercise is helpful...I sometimes take an Advil PM.....or a benadryl....I feel as if I have to wear myself down. I taught myself to bake bread....I call it my 'grief baking'....I make up batches at night....the recipe I have the dough needs to rise at least 12 hours....so I bake it in the morning. The other thing I do is create small projects...if I can keep my hands busy....so much the better.

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Mermaid Tears

Wayne...what a loving tribute Memorial for Logan....and we understand what a surreal experience it is for a parent to have to accomplish that labor of love. Am glad his friends were there to show their love and give you their support. I hope keeping your hands busy working on the car will give you a layer of healing.

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Mermaid Tears

Sandy....I feel as if I have been on your grief journey with you...and I thank you for sharing with us. Every parent on this site brings another direction in the loss of a child. Your child was a vibrant and beautiful young woman with her love of teaching and a family....two baby girls...her world and heart was full to the brim. Yes...I have lost a handsome son....but that doesn't mean my heart can't break in another way when I learn someone has lost a child...and that child had children. I grieve for myself...but there is still a large part of my heart that can empathize and grieve for others. Each loss is unique like our child is/was unique. All parents on this site now are entrenched in that 'What If'.....question. It certainly beats in my heart...'What if one of my children dies and they leave children'....I have 14 grandchildren. John David was not married. I can certainly see where and how your grief has such a double edged sword that pierces your heart. Those precious little girls need you....and you need them...and together you can hold hands and form a circle of love and remembrance to help them move forward....your Sarah would want you to fill them with 'her memories' and her love...

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JD's Mom, Becky

Has anyone else submitted their thoughts on how best to improve on this forum??

Here is the link 

 

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Thanks Becky, I did this evening. I appreciate it.

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JD's Mom, Becky

They haven't replied to my suggestions yet, Dee, but I would hope, particularly considering they are now asking for financial help to maintain the forum, that they will address all of our issues. I can imagine how hard it is for you to open to those early posts... So sorry. 

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You're a doll Becky, it is that and the idea of how are we going to be a place for others to come who are brand new here???I would run the other way if I saw 2005 on the screen wondering if it was no longer current. I just think more can be done if it is going to maintain good people with big hearts.

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Thanks Becky,

I sent a message last night.  Hope they take it seriously.

Sandy

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Hello everyone,

Donnah, the car pictures are awesome.  So creative.  We each find ways to honor our kids.  Love it!

Wayne, the headstone is beautiful.  We did not bury Brian.  He is cremated.  We take ashes with us when we travel.  Brian told us he did not want to be buried and wanted to be cremated.  You will find some relief when you see "treasures" left behind by your Logan's friends.

Becky,  love the photos you create.  Hope you are doing better.  I think about you and JD often.

We are doing OK.  These change of seasons really throw me into a "what would Brian be like now" mode.  It is a bummer.  We are going on 8 years.  I can hardly believe we survived one day let alone 8 years.  I just want my old life back...

colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

Colleen, and anyone else that isn't happy with the changes of this forum lately, please post your thoughts here:

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Good morning my Indigo friends;

It has been a couple of years since I've visited this group, and two years more than that since I left the group in a fit of rage.  Yesterday I felt the urge to return and express my gratitude to those who were here when I found my way to this group during the deepest, darkest, hours of my grief. I have never suffered anything in my life quietly or graciously.  Never have I been more angry at my Creator than I was over the darkest ugliness humankind possesses when it was inflicted on my grandchildren followed by the death of their mother, my daughter.  The pain of losing her was topped only by the pain of what those young lives were forced to endure at the hands of a deeply troubled, tortured, soul.  Being told to forgive and trust the very God I held accountable for such ugliness inflicted upon such innocent little lives only fueled my hatred. 

I can't promise I will be any different when the next life's sorrow confronts my life. But, I can say that I am at peace, now.  Not only at peace, but joyfully at peace.  Who'd o' thunk it?

It is impossible to reflect on how far I've come without feeling deep emotions of gratitude and love for being guided to Beyond Indigo, the group's name before it became Grieving.com. 

My heart to those of you who are new to this journey. My heart to those of you who have remained faithful to this group by being a guiding light of hope.

Susannah
Stephanie's mom

 

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Mermaid Tears

Susannah....I came to this site in 2012...my beautiful..beloved...boy...John David passed in August of 2012...he was 42....I am in my '4th' year...and I am trying to find the balance between Grace and Grief......you sharing that you have found a place of being joyfully at peace is comforting. Right now...I feel as if I am in one of those 'end of the world' movies...I see nothing but ruins and destruction around me...and I survived. I am ever grateful to the ones that stayed on this site...I call them 'spirit guides'....they reached out to me with such care and they are farther along this grief journey and they wave to us...to let us know we can survive.

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Hello to all INDIGOS.......Wow!  Is this difficult to get to BI or what?  Sometimes I

can access the current page of posts....sometimes I can't.:(   Makes trying to

keep up with posts,  .... and impossible to reply in a timely manner.   Anyhow....since

I'm here now,  I am sending up thoughts & prayers to all Indigos , and wishing peace

and comfort to each & everyone.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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Steve s mom

Happy Easter Everyone

 

sorry I couldnt attach what I was trying to

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Susan, mother of John David,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son!  I'm only a few years ahead of you on this journey, so I can't speak to whether my newfound peace is lasting or not, therefore I'm afraid I'm not much of an example of hope.  I was consumed with anger and not shy about expressing it.  This change in me has only occurred this past year.  I remember thinking the 5th year was as hard as the 1st. 

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne....what you are experiencing is the 'absence of a presence'....I get drug down, too....when the family is together...we just have to learn to work through it...take deep breaths...and just day to day....what a 'cutie pie'.....love that name....Jesse is bringing Wyatt John today...they will spend the night...I know that feeling of 'no matter how busy we are'.....we have this grief. Enjoy your time with that precious little girl...and family...as much as you can. I know they are so glad you are there.

I made two batches of sugar cookie dough last night...will attempt to bake a bunny rabbit cookie cake so we can decorate it....(frosting, coconut, and a 3 year old little boy will be a labor of intense love)

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