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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Phew! So glad that Bobby is going to be okay Becky.

 

Shannon, so glad that you touched base here to let us know that you are out there. I am glad that the boys are doing well. It sounds like you three are holding down the farm quite well, it must be hard work but so rewarding too.. I know that your Girl is there with you, helping you all through the winter, knowing that spring will bring more light to your lives. I am holding your hand through these dark times Shannon, you will always be a part of our family here.

 

Gretchen are you out there?

 

Sleep well All, our Babies are tucking us in.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...very happy about that update on Bobby.

 

 

Georgina....I do hope that you can set aside all that bad info for awhile and get yourself some rest and balance. The kind of 'tired and worn out' you are experiencing comes not only from the physical but the spirit and soul becoming so very tired. Please 'self care' ...

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JD's Mom, Becky

WOULD U BE PREPARED?? What this missing family member episode has taught me? To make an ID card for each family member that contains their full name. DOB. Drivers License #, Ss#, physical description. Medical history, Current meds, vehicle make, model, tag # & state for their vehicle, current cell phone number and passcode to open that phone, and additionally, info on travel plans EACH time they are making a trip needs to be shared with at least one family member, and this info card kept in a location that all immediate family is aware of.

WHY? Unless the missing are elderly, sick, or a minor child, the police in each state have their own protocol as to how many hours to wait and what info they require to issue a BOLO ( be on the lookout) report or a missing person report!

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....we sometimes think we have all the info...and until something happens and there are many blank spaces...do we find out what we should have. Am wondering if all my adult children have all the info for their families.

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Mermaid Tears

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our Valentines party.....the pool water was too cool...and not enough time to heat it up so they played in the hot tub...

Wyatt John...Pibby....friends...Clara, Maggie, Travis....

What service...serving up crayfish poolside....

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Mermaid Tears

 

Posted: 2:36 p.m. Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2016

No one can imagine the heartache of losing a child without experiencing it.

The people who lead The Compassionate Friends of North Palm Beach know that firsthand, and their mission is leading other people to hope. A new lakeside sculpture and memorial garden will be a place for people to find that hope and serenity, they said.

Local artist Mark Fuller designed the garden’s sculpture of two hands in an open position, with the shape of a heart removed from the center of each palm. Between the hands, a heart with wings floats. The sculpture on a concrete pedestal is nearly 7 feet tall.

Theresa Iervolino said the area along the lake near the Burns Road Recreation Center will offer a more comfortable place than a dismal cemetery for her to remember her daughter, Jessica, who was 27 when she was killed by a drunk driver six years ago.

“A headstone is not beautiful, but that sculpture is pure beauty,” Iervolino said. “We can grieve there, and we can rejoice there.”

Local artist Mark Fuller designed this sculpture of a heart between two hands for a Compassionate Friends memorial garden at the ... read more

The Jupiter resident leads the local The Compassionate Friends support group for grieving parents with Stephanie Hesse, of Singer Island. About a dozen members attended the city’s Art in Public Places board to support the project Tuesday night.

Officials agreed to devote about $145,000 to the sculpture and garden, after which the crowd cheered and applauded.

Fuller, the artist, told the board he designed the hands in a praying position or a gesture of letting go. A loved one’s touch stays with someone, even as he or she comes to terms with loss, he explained.

“When you let it go, there’s a freedom to that, but it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting about it and it’s no longer part of you,” he said.

Dominick Capodiferro’s wife, Barbara, made the garden her life’s ambition. The couple lost their 27-year-old son, a Marine, to natural causes. Barbara Capodiferro died after a lengthy illness Jan. 12, but the project was close to her heart until the end.

“This has been her dream come true,” he said.

Mayor Eric Jablin said he visited Barbara Capodiferro a few days before she died, and she asked him if it could be done by Mother’s Day. He said he hopes to at least have a groundbreaking around that time.

The Compassionate Friends provides a “wonderful, wonderful service to the unfortunate people” in and around Palm Beach Gardens who have lost children, he said. The local chapter with about 40 active members meets 7 p.m. the fourth Wednesday of every month at the Lakeside Center, 10410 North Military Trail.

Iervolino said they’ve discussed adding a second meeting because of a growing need.

Hesse, whose daughter Linda died of multiple pulmonary emboli from medical malpractice 22 years ago, said she thought she was crazy at first. Being around other mourning parents diminished that feeling.

“I’m very grateful to all the people who helped me survive, and I want to pay it forward,” she said.

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This is JaBoa's golden birthday... we lost her when she was 10 ...  and it still hurts like mad.  JaBoa's mom and sister are having a real hard time this year, I think because of losing mom this summer. 

 

I always read all of you, and always pray.. just silent as I remain in a dark place, very few shades of gray.

 

I am really happy for those of you have found this site.  All of you are wonders...  from the ones here the longest to the newbies..   Losing our babies is so very hard and we are never the same, may you find the light to see and feel your angels always, that is the best wisdom I can give you.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Leah.....I, too, think the birthday markers are very hard on our hearts and spirits...is your situation/circumstances any better ? We hope you are finding a layer of peace and comfort in your life.

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I've been off BI for a few days due to the snowstorm, Monday night.

Our electric was off.....only about 6 hrs., but when I later came on

BI, the computer was all messed up. I couldn't succeed in reading posts,

 or posting a reply, so I just had to give up.  Seems ok now. :) 

 

 

Georgina------ Yes, I agree, it's a hard, hard task to try to get the

officials to give justice to the person who lost their life.  It shouldn't

be this way,.....but from my experience, and others here at BI.....it

is often very difficult to bring about the justice that our loved ones

deserve.  Sending thoughts & prayers for you and your family....and

strength for going forward on your quest for justice.  

 

Dee------How is your cold sore problem?  I hope that it's all cleared up 

by now.  It's 50 degrees here today, and all the snow is melting away,

sunny and windy.  Seems more 'spring-like', and after all......February

is half gone.  Birds are telling us that spring must be coming soon.

 

Leah------ Good to see your post.  Wishing you peace & comfort.

Thanks for the pic of sweet  princess, Jaboa.

 

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY,.......DEAR  ANGEL  JABOA.

 

Kate-----I agree with Dee------you have said it so well,  in regard to

the way we walk this journey, and the people we encounter along

the way.  Their lack of understanding, or indifference does hurt...

but somehow we keep on going, and keep our dear angels' memory

alive in our hearts.  They will always be with us until we see them again.

 

Wayne----You are right......it makes one wonder why people in law

enforcement capacity, and others are reluctant to tell the truth.

It takes real persistence to keep after them to do the right thing.

Keep asking the hard questions, Wayne.  Many times it's the only

way to get justice.

 

 

 

 

PEACE    AND    TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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Happy Birthday JaBoa!

You pretty Girl, smiling out at everyone today, the most important day! The day you were brought to the world and placed in the arms of those who love you. I hope that you sit with your Grandmom tonight, causing her to have great dreams of you, letting her feel your peace and freedom. Bless your Family and help them to see the importance in this world, to move forward in goodness. Your sweet Grammy needs goodness, please help her find it.

 

 

Leah, your sweet JaBoa is sitting right there on your shoulder, listening to your heartbeat, putting her love and devotion into you.

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Mermaid Tears

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I think this may be the hardest...of confronting who you are with who you are...

for me....

 

I always thought....gee...I missed 'me'....I finally knew...that I would never be the same....

Susan....that I was before....but where I found myself...or discovered myself....was never where I had left myself....

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InHeavensKeeping

Happy Birthday JaBoa sweet angel in heaven xxx

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thinking of you JaBoa on this Heavenly Birthday.

 

Leah, sending you gentle thoughts today and wishing you peace.

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Mermaid Tears

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a long time ago I posted that my Grama said...'as long as you dig in the earth..you will never go crazy'....

 

she was born in 1900......I always thought it was because a person was outside....and keeping your hands busy....then I read this article....I am always in awe of her wisdom...and how she knew 'certain things' that now have been proven....

 

anyway...yesterday I spent nearly the whole day outside...raking..pruning...potting...a 'spring yard clean-up'....got 4 sets of windows cleaned....I spent a lot of time walking through my mind....I was thinking of 'how I used to be'....going here and there...and after my 'cocooning' I am very reluctant to want to 'go out and about'....it is like my whole persona went into low gear....I do keep myself busy with my apartments...and now my 'creating' has become a very much 'need'....I started baking bread...I call it my 'grief baking'....I am still trying to wash it all out in my thoughts...

   I started watching this new documentary called 'Cooked' on Netflix.....maybe my instincts/soul/ spirit is simply returning to my ancestral DNA....we do have a profound shift when we lose a child.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you Sherry coping with the loss of James is hard enough without having to battle to get justice which should of just happened.

It's really taking its toll on us. But I couldn't stop now.

Take care xx

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Thank you for your thoughts and prayers... I just needed to remember her in someway.  I have not been able to travel to visit her at the cemetary.  I am hoping this summer I will so I can visit mom.  My family is broken in so many ways, started with JaBoa's passing..and I am not the person to put it back together.I can't even fix me.  I am well enough I get by, no complaints..   Thank you again dear sweet parents and angels may each day bring you peace

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi everyone it's so quiet on here tonight. Just thinking of you all and praying for our Angels.

God Bless xx

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I have been too busy lately at school, but will have more time as this day goes along. Hold onto your hats in the midwest, we are in for a big winter storm. If you are in the south, let us know if you are okay after last night's tornadoes.

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Leah....I find that my family, too, is still dealing with the loss of John David....in large and small ways....and I also get messages from his friends. We can do only what we can humanly do....and give ourselves a pat on the back that we have survived.  We are not super human....we just have super love.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Been busy here too. My husband's nephew Bobby finally got to his sisters house in Pennsylvania yesterday. It's still a mess and trying to help get things straightened out by making phone calls which my husband doesn't have time to do during daytime business hours because of his job he can't make personal calls. We still don't know where Bobby's car was towed to. I have made a lot of calls and left messages which to this point have not been answered. Thelegal system in the US is terrible. I don't know how it works anywhere else, but this week has done nothing but frustrate me and remind me how useless they really are. Bobby was actually moving back to Pennsylvania from Texas and had all his personal belongings in his car, which now we can assume is sitting on a tow lot somewhere. And hopefully its secured.

Happy belated heavenly birthday Jaboa, my thoughts are with you Leah.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Tornado watch here until 11 p.m. tonight.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....hope you find the car....the police are the ones that call the tow trucks...they don't have a record of that ? Here in Texas...tow truck companies are put on a 'call list'....and they are rotated so it is kept fair....that way the police have a record of what company picked up the vehicle. Please 'hunker down'....

 

Dianne....we got a little cool front yesterday...so instead of being 85...it is around 70.....a far cry from the weather you are having....

     your parents just let you go..?? Some things that are shared on this site makes me shudder...of the kind of childhood some had to endure. You seem to be a bright, intelligent and loving person....my Grama once told me that some parents teach their children 'how not to be'....

    I so understand how those little ones can provide such a circle of healing. Our new little man was born in Dec. 2012...it was as if God/Mother/Father of the Universe was telling me...'I had to take your beautiful, beloved, broken boy...but ...am giving you another one to hold in the earth home'....

 

Georgina...how are the health issues..??...I had shingles a few months ago...was not a 'walk in the park'....hope your daughter has a light case.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Thanks,Susan! Yes, Bobby had a paper with the Trooper's name and number, and I called and left him a message and he called me back this afternoon. He filled in a lot of info we weren't aware of, like that Bobby was having some sort of mechanical trouble with the car before the accident, where it wouldn't reach anywhere near the speed limit, and he was hit from behind by a trucker!! Car was totaled, Bobby "seemed" OK, so the Trooper drove him to a local hotel as it was almost midnight by the time he called a tow truck. He did give me the name of the tow co., and I got through to them and they said the car is on their lot and covered to protect it from rain, and I called and gave all this info to Bobby's sister in PA, she will follow up with the insurance co. And make arrangements to go get all his stuff! Thank God! She was glad I got that info as she has spent today making medical appointments for his follow-up care, as he is believed to have a concussion. Thank God he is OK, because his sister had already lost her 21 yo daughter to cancer about 10 years ago leaving her to raise two grandsons.

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Susan, what good advice for Becky in helping them find Bobby's car, thank you for your wise words, your ability to cut through the murky areas and spread some clarity for folks.

 

Dianne, while your parents caused so much pain, here you are standing for all of us in our quest and hope to be the best parent you can be, and grandparent.My family too was filled with abuse and secrets, the result of which caused me to live dangerously as a young teen, always home by curfew but doing things that made living on the edge take on new meaning. When Erica was born, my mom and dad disowned me because I finally told them that my children would not be near my father...a pedophile. My Son was 2 and Eri a newborn and I was 28, but essentially, no longer had parents. I stayed close however with my sisters, we all had to give each other the room to make our decisions where our parents were concerned and we respected that. I felt the abandonment in my soul, and began the long journey to getting perspective on how I grew up and what steps to take to make sure I don't fall back inot the bad habits I had developed as a young one...promiscuity, drugs, dating bad people...I was married at the time but that too was on thin ice as alcoholism ran in his veins.

So life was hard hard, but these kids of ours, we had/have them to stand for, to be great parents for. And so we find strength in knowing we were  giving them so much goodness and love, not fear and dysfunction.

How cool that you had such a bright spark in your achievements, I was the opposite. Terrible in school, but I finally learned how to learn. No scholar but grateful for the chance.

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Georgina-----Yes, it's true......keeping after the police and officials

in trying to get justice is an exhausting experience.....one that we

think we can't possibly keep up with, but  somehow, some way,

we find the strength to keep pursuing it.  I know that finding the

truth about James' tragic death seems elusive at times, but you

are very brave, and have the heart of  grieving parents in the loss

of a beloved child, and that seems to overcome all sorts of resistance

and coverup that those in charge of the investigation. They foolishly

underestimate the determination of a grieving family to get to the truth.

Sending thoughts & prayers for your strength to continue on in your

quest for justice for your dear James.

 

Leah----Glad to see your posts.  Thinking of you, and sending prayers.

 

Dee----You have bravely overcome some of life's most difficult

times when growing up.....and came out of it strong and with

a unique insight into seeing things as they were.....not as how

you would have liked them to be.  In losing your dear ERi, you

again have come to gain wise insight, and to share it with everyone

here at BI as we all walk the road that no parent ever wants to

be on. Thank you, friend.

 

 

WISHING  PEACE   AND COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom----Sherry

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Ok. So I have been doing some reading about signs. Two days after my son passed I had his phone in the pocket of my coat hanging on the chair in my kitchen. I was sitting in my living room and I started hearing water drops. I went to investigate what it was and found that his phone was making the sound. Then the screen started flashing on and off with a picture of the ocean and sky. Could this have been him telling me he was ok? I included a screen shot of it.

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Ok. So I have been doing some reading about signs. Two days after my son passed I had his phone in the pocket of my coat hanging on the chair in my kitchen. I was sitting in my living room and I started hearing water drops. I went to investigate what it was and found that his phone was making the sound. Then the screen started flashing on and off with a picture of the ocean and sky. Could this have been him telling me he was ok? I included a screen shot of it.

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Mermaid Tears

Very...very  tired...will post tomorrow....for sure...sorry..I am spent....

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JD's Mom, Becky
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Mermaid Tears

Dee and Dianne.....both of you stumbled, fumbled, reached and struggled...to rise.

I hear someone's story and can only think...'by the Grace of God'....your spirit found a way to find the right path...some do...some don't.

I have an interesting story to relate...but time is not my friend today...so will do it later.

 

Becky...I love the posting.

 

Wayne....I have had signs....and as for your question...

I think I would put that one in the bank...

I have read about how mediums get messages...and those on the other side sometimes use symbols...

the vast sky and blue sea seem to symbolize the great expanse of the heavens. Serene.

When parents post what they see as a sign...no matter how trivial...it sends a surge of hope to my faith.

 

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JD's Mom, Becky

Wayne, I absolutely agree with Diane. The first year after losing Jared, electronics seemed to be the mode of his communication with us as well. I would come downstairs to find his music playing from his photobox which is mounted to the wall on our living room, which takes a remote to turn on, and nobody else was even awake yet. In addition, we frequently had the security alarm for his window go off when nobody was in his room, much less opened the window. There were other signs that involved sunlight, such as a rainbow that appeared on my daughters bedroom ceiling, which hadn't happened before nor has happened since. One of these days when I feel well enough to be up at my computer, I will post some pictures of signs we've received.

Love and peace to all.

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Mermaid Tears

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Dianne....I just wanted to share what I believe....

I don't think God/Mother/Father of the Universe 'took' my John David...

I do believe He/She gathered him up and welcomed and received him...he was simply too broken for human hands to heal.

 

'And the Lord came with strong arms and took him in the night'....

 

No one has the right answer....or rhyme or reason...some days my thinking has balance...my mind races like it was on crack or acid....thoughts go all over the place...memories pop up and I go back and forth in the 'before and after'.... creating and keeping my hands busy seem to bring a calm to my mind and spirit.

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Wayne, I agree with everyone here, those signs are gifts from your Sweet Boy, we are recipients of these due to the great love our Kids have for us adn their need for us to understand that they are safe, they are in a beautiful place, they don't hurt, they want us to live where they can not. What a great message from your Son. Goodness knows that others may explain these things away as coincidence (no such thing) or by radio waves in the air, but there is a sense of our Kids when we are touched by these, we feel them near which is what I think, they want most...to let us know that they are near, and one day we will be with them again. One day.

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Susan, I agree with you, that God did not take Erica from this place, but instead provides a landing place filled with goodness for all souls that must leave their broken bodies...Erica was no longer here, she flew out of her body even though she was alive for 6 days, she sat on the bed-rail, like Tinkerbell hovering over my Girl as all of her friends visited her during her last days. I feel as though Erica waited until all that wanted/needed to say goodbye were able to make their way to Kalamazoo to do so. She looked so like herself those days laying there, and so the kids could all return to their lives with a picture of my pretty girl, looking like Eri sleeping...her dreads laying as they did against her collarbone, her beautiful black lashes touching her skin and the arch of her brows so graceful. Her big hands though, those were different because they were in fists, something the docs prepared us for, when brain damage is severe, the feet and hands curl over in a tight fist or ball, it was called Posturing. I didn't get to hold her big hands again, but I will always know the feel of her hand in mine, just 3 days prior to her being struck, we held hands down the street.

Oh Erica, I love you forever.

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Thank you all. At first I just wrote it off as coincidence. But the more I have thought about it I believe it was him telling me he was ok. I am still having a very hard time. I miss him so much. But I think this has helped me some. Also, yesterday, I was washing clothes from my own clothes hamper and somehow one of his socks was in the wash. I have no answer of knowing how it got there. Again thank you all for your encouragement. It means so much to me to know that there are people such as you that have been where I am now and have made it through the worst possible tragedy a person could endure.

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Dianne, I do think that some adults in our lives did their best to sabotage the lives of their children, it is extremely difficult to cut the ties of the guilt that has been instilled. I guess I believe in a benevolent God, not a punishing one. I agree, Susan has a wonderful way of stating it. I have taught kids that amazed me due to their resilliance in the face of so much crap at home, something inside of them allowed them to reach for what was good in the world and attain goodness in their lives even though there was nobody at home that loved or nurtured them...somehow they perservered, as you have. Your Boy left not for any punishment or anything you did wrong...

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Just stopping by to say hi to all.......my new job is going well & thankfully keeping me very busy......all this talk of signs from our children has me wishing Michael will send me one......I miss him so badly, it sometimes feels worse than ever.....my bible class is helping some....can't even believe I'm in such a class.....in two more weeks it will be exactly 18 months since I lost him.....still in disbelief......sometimes I just wish it would all end.......I want to go home to my son........

Peace & love to all

Francesca

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Wayne, I would say that is a sign, electrical devices are often used I have discovered.

 

Here is a video I found on another grief site. It is of an orb, spirit energy.  A father recently lost his son Tyler and was making a video of his son's favorite spot. Once he played it back, the orb was discovered on it. A very clear sign from that other side of life. I did not even know what one was, but have seen a few of them in pics and videos. Somehow, they seem to appear around transition points but still are a bit of a mystery.

 

 

Francesca, nice to see your boy's face. My daughter too found help from a church nearby her workplace. It has been a wonderful source of support. Work does help for some, I am glad things are going well in that.

 

Dianne, thanks for your thoughts...I am sorry to hear of such rejection from your parent's. Dee responded so well...

 

Sending gentleness to all...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, really identified with the last screen shot you posted by Tim Lawrence. Wise words.

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JD's Mom, Becky
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Hi everyone, I have not posted much lately. I am still experiencing complications from my surgery of last year. I have been reading frequently and think of you all. Thanks to everyone for providing music, poetry, and info.

 

I wanted to respond to Wayne's post of earlier regarding signs. When Jeff first died I was crippled with my grief. Two months after his death my MIL was diagnosed with the same cancer that my husband is now battling. I threw myself into caring for her and focused on her illness... as it provided a much needed distraction from facing the reality of what had happened. At that time I did however notice many things that were unusual. Some I must admit probably could have been explained...but others that in no way could we find a rational explanation for. Clearly, there is life after death. I do not have the time today to go into length about a few of these experiences...but suffice to say...they were very real. Meant to be taken as a sign of comfort and to give us strength to continue on this journey.  My son was letting me know that HE WAS INDEED OK! But I also took it as a slight nudge to keep going myself on my own personal life's journey. His new life has begun and I now have to continue on this journey using the new coping skills that I have developed from my lessons in losing the most precious thing in my life. My son. Things that are material can come and go...but relationships are what is of the most value in this life. Hang on with both hands and never lose heart. Keep your faith close and focus on the fact you will see your child again.

 

Kate

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Mermaid Tears

I want to offer a snippet of some upcoming writing, related to what I posted yesterday.

Our culture tends to treat tragedies as if they must be followed by a binary choice; what's called a false dichotomy. As in, it's assumed that loss is EITHER a gift or a tragedy; either a test or a shithole of pain. But that's terrible, reductionist nonsense.

Loss NEVER works like that. And it's important to note that whatever "gifts" or "lessons" we find (or don't find) after loss are OURS to discover; no one gets to dictate the terms of our loss.

You don't have to treat loss as some sort of test or gift in order to build new life after loss. In fact, it is often those who feel INTENSE PRESSURE to see their losses as lessons that end up buried in indefinite shame and fear.

I simply won't stand for that.

Loss is loss. That's hard enough.

It's easy to tell someone there's some sort of lesson in it.

It's much, much more courageous to acknowledge one's pain and stand with them, knowing that you'll never know the answers.

Our love is found in the chasm that exists between the questions our losses bring about and our vulnerable admittance that we'll never know the answers.

Yet we do know one thing: how we choose to treat those who are grieving. Answers and fixes and platitudes are bullshit.

Solidarity, understanding, and mercy are vehicles of tremendous love and power.

 

 

written by Tim Lawrence...

 

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JD's Mom, Becky
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