Loss of an Adult Child

[InHeavensKeeping]

Leah I just want you to know I'm keeping you close in my heart and prayers as you go through th this difficult time. JaBoa' Happy Belated Heavenly Birthday. Xx

I wish we could all hug each other too. Dianne I love the pictures.

Thank you for your comments I was thinking you lost your beautiful Micheal two days after my James's birthday I hope they get together in heaven. Thinking of you and holding you close.

Hugs xx

[ericasmom]

JaBoa Sweet Angel Girl, you are in our thoughts as we send healing thoughts for your Grandmom. Please let her feel your deep love so that she knows that she is not really alone in this world. She aches for you and for all that is not as it should be in the family, please give her strength to take care of herself.

 

Leah, I am so sad for your deep ache, for the ways that you have to keep trying to hold everyone together...if I could, I would send you the money to just leave for a bit, to get a breather, to see other things and have some days that only belong to you...where you could rest and replenish, where others took care of cleaning and cooking and you could actually sit on a chair overlooking a pretty place. That is what I would love to do for you if I could.

You can't make everyone better Leah, even the love of a Momma cannot make her family behave and be responsible, much less a husband. I am pained by the ways you feel let down. I think that if you can, a meeting is in order where you tell the family who you will take care of, and how the rest need to step it up .

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....don't we wish we lived down the street...from everyone...to gather them up...with us....to heal....

[ericasmom]

Indeed Susan, right down the street so that those group hugs were actually possible in person...but since we don't, I am sending you all a hug filled with hope and love and a promise of goodness touching you again...

 

 

[rlolheiser]

thank you all for reading me...  all hugs felt and so appreciated

 

Thanks for your wishes for me Dee ...  money isn't the thing I need..  it never helps..  I know that..  I have told everybody .. they need to go.. asap, even if it isn't ideal.. because living here is no longer ideal..  as for me.. I try..  I don't know why or how.. but I will remain here to give to my son what he needs.. trying so hard not to live in fear of another blow up..   Can't promise anybody what my path will be..  I will always miss my JaBoa and the life that used to be..  and one day find a life that is carved out for me

 

Thank you again for reading  ((hugs))

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

this message has 100% truth....and message for healing....

 

we were put on this grief journey without our choice...and we get no map in this foreign land we find ourselves in...

 

what we can do is know we are not alone....

[Mermaid Tears]

I have over the top drama .....my gorgeous GRANDdaughter...Tay....

 

 

 

Ok.... I have a gorgeous GRANDdaugher...Tay...who is a twin with Hunter Bear...we have had much drama around our home....

 

she got this tattoo....

we did not know about it...until we saw the photos....

 

she took it from what John David had wrote...

 

she does grieve....she is so sad...so many in my family are...all I can do...is simply keep with what has gone before...

 

she wanted her Uncle John David to always be a part of her life...even if he left the earth home...

 

hard to me to understand...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is what she did....for her Uncle John David...

 

my amazing Tay....

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Susan, 

That is absolutely beautiful. I'm okay with tattoos. In fact, Zak and I are planning on getting our first tattoos together as soon as we both are sure about what we want. 

 

Leah, 

I've been reading and thinking of your sweet JaBoa and of you. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. 

 

I got two new goats tonight. I've been looking for a place to breed my girls before winter. I was finding people 3 hours away and asking more than I can afford. Today I saw an ad for two free full blooded nubian bucks. I couldn't believe it but I called. The guy lives near me. He breeds and had more than he planned on. I got my two little boys for free and can drop my girls off tomorrow for a 'date'. I will have babies in the spring! Sometimes things work out. 

 

I've felt an increase in my anxiety lately and my insomnia is back. I know it's the approaching holidays.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....my son, Jesse, told me that more kids have tattoos now.....and Tay and I planned on getting a Mermaid tattoo together...small ...somewhere on the back...this coming summer....I just wasn't...(and neither her Mom and Dad)...expecting one this large...

[Mermaid Tears]

Child

 

October 31, 2015

by Angela Miller

Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are needed. If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts forever, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.

1). Love never dies.

There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased children as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.

I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less. My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.

2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.

In my seven years navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.

3). I will grieve for a lifetime.

Period. The end. There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.” There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time where I won’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, milestone– should-be back-to-school school years and graduations; weddings that will never be; grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.

This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.

4). It’s a club I can never leave, but is filled with the most shining souls I’ve ever known.

This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known. And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors and thrivers. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.

Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you’ve ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime. Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into legacy.

Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You’ll be thankful you did.

5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.

Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone for this lifetime. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. Gone is still gone. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains.

The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.

6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.

Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It’s because they really, truly are. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don’t wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don’t have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.

7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.

Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact, though it took awhile to get there. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.

Because I’ve clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply: the love, the grief, the joy, the pain. I embrace and thank every morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.

I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.

Even death can’t take that away.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Susan,

I bet the size of it you was a bit of a shock at first! Such a beautiful tribute though. I love the mermaid plan. I jut am not sure what I want to do. I have a lot of ideas but if I do them all I'd be totally tattooed. One I'm really leaning toward is Trista's star. For her Birthday this year we had a star named for her in the constellation of Cancer.

The writing you shared is so true. Thank you.

I had a fire with the boys the other night. At one point Aiden took his little Buzz Lightyear lantern and told me to follow him. He led me halfway up the hill, where he laid down in the damp grass. He said... I thought we should come up here and say some prayers to Sissy. While we talk about Trista every day, it's been a whike since hes done anything like this. I said... Great idea! Do you want to start? He said said something like... Sissy, I love you and miss you but i know you're always with me. then he blew kisses to the sky. I took a moment to take my turn talking to her. The we both looked up and saw a shooting star. It was a kind of magical moment.

I wonder if the change of seasons affects the Boys too.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

 

 

[Everly]

.

[daveydow1]

Dee, Shannon, Laurie, Dianne, ........Reading your posts, and hoping to get

caught up.     (Been sick, but hopefully on the mend now.)

 

Georgina----I believe that all our angels are together in heaven.....especially

since all of us parents are so connected here in this world, through this site.

Everything is connected somehow, some way.  We will see our darlings again.

 

Susan----thanks for your writing of the 7 things learned since loss of a child.

Each point is so true.  Holidays......the empty chair.....etc.  Something we all

have come to know so well in our lives since our dear children left this world.

Thanks, also, for the lovely family pics.

 

Gretchen----thanks for the poem you posted. The words come straight from

your sorrowful heart, and they are so true.

 

Leah----Oh, friend,......I'm so sorry for all your troubles, and the pain you

have for the loss of sweet little JaBoa.  Sending heartfelt prayers for peace & comfort.

 

 

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, get better. What kind of sick were you? There are many things going around school, strep for one, stomach bugs...you name it and school will have it. I sure hope that you are on the mend and getting the sunshine today or tomorrow that we are enjoying. Colder but sunny which I love. How are your kids and grandies doing?

 

Husband and I took Erica out for a walk/ride on her tricycle and she directed us, go that way, go straight, turn now, go under the tunnel, now turn , oh look there is the Choo-choo park. Smart Kid, got us right to the park that she loves and had two adults all to herself. We had a great time with her while her Momma and brother were at a little tot class. My Son works all day on Saturdays, he sure wishes he didn't.

 

Susan, love the tattoo, though I am sure that the size threw you too. How did her momma react? I love the message that she keeps from her uncle, she carries John David everywhere and now many will ask about the meaning to her tattoo and she will sing the praises of such a fine young man.

I love knowing that Eri's name and symbols for her are inked onto feet, arms, backs and they cause folks to ask what is that about? Spreading the word of Erica.

 

Shannon, that story of you and Little Aidan on the hill makes me smile deeply, there he knew he could speak more freely and felt closer to the sky, and she winked at you both. Love is forever.

 

Leah, you are a strong strong woman who would love to have your life back. The other adults need to find their way now, let you live a quieter life.

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thanks Sherry I have to believe that or I couldn't go on. Susan thank you for sharing the article every single word rang true How I wish I could write like that I truly feel how the writer explainers things but I'm just not good at putting it into words.

The tattoo is such an amazing tribute I don't know if you remember but my youngest Went a bit tattoo mad she had James's initials tattooed on her wrist and ankle his name on the other wrist and copied his signature onto the side of her hand. She just wanted him all around her and felt it made him close to her.

Shannon how nice that you got the goats for free. My sister has two goats, she lives in the States. She absolutely adores animals They are called Pumpkin and Hector they are quite old now but such characters.

Xx

[Mermaid Tears]

Evelyn...he is the one with the blue baseball cap....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Evelyn, good to see your post. I think that we are indeed blessed by those special ties between our children and us...in your case, your mom and you...I too have a unique bond with my mom...she too has lost two like me, one infant boy and my sister at age 42.

 

Georgina, it would be nice to see your daughter's tattoo...I have thought about a small one myself, maybe an infinity loop with Jesse's name.

 

Shannon, it looks like your little farm is expanding. Baby goats are so adorable. We raised baby chicks from little once...they were a lot more tame than the average chicken.

 

Susan, thank you for sharing the article. Everything in it was so true. Her viewpoint was from 7 years out...it exposes to me what a fallacy that "time cures grief" is...like it is eradicated or something---rather I think one learns to "carry" this loss perhaps with a little more grace, but it is always there...I think in modern Western society, that there are many "truths" that are denied and repressed...death and suffering are taboo subjects...I have noticed in my study and observation of cultures from the East or more naturalistic peoples there an embracement of ancient wisdom that was passed down generation to generation....cultures where death is not so "sanitized" and where grief is often woven into various cultural ceremonies....perhaps in our modern world we have lost some of the basic knowledge that our ancient ancestors knew and embraced...

 

I think the grief book Shannon had recommended (by Francis Weller) referred back to these practices of peoples from long ago and why it appealed to me.

 

Also, thanks for sharing the family pictures and John David's writings.

 

Sherry, hope you get over the cold quickly...we have been drinking a mix of grated fresh ginger root, (you then press it though a garlic press to extract the juice and squeeze fresh limes...the hotness of the ginger acts as a natural decongestant.

 

Dee, how nice that you were able to get out for a hike with little Erica...Benton needs a lot of "park time" too, or else he gets so "squirrel-ly"...my mom and sister are buying both him and my son's daughter kid's Kindles for Christmas...with the Amazon Unlimited account there is a lot of access to many kids learning apps...plus I thought it would prepare them as schools are moving to having their school work on tablets rather than paper books... it is the direction things are headed.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I think children have such an innocence....and an open mind and heart...that they have this 'trust' ....

where we adults sometimes have to get out of the way of ourselves to tap into what is around us....

if we could become more 'childlike' I think we could see the 'all' and the 'universe' and 'spirit' through different eyes...

 

Dee....our new little man and his family came yesterday....and it rained all day....I had planned on taking him to the park...and of course, today is a gorgeous day....sigh....but am happy you got to have that time at the park with your girl. I love the age they are at. Well.....about the tattoo....my daughter was shocked...not at the message...but the size..and is fretting that she will never get a 'good job'....etc. We have decided to put it on the bottom of the list for now..and talk about it later. Let Mama cool down.

 

[ericasmom]

Laurie, it is nice to see you have been also busy with the Babies...they keep our hearts viable. How is your Daughter? Husband? Parents? You have been busy taking care of so many. Have you enjoyed the fall weather? I do agree that schools and all of education are changing direction...I am not fond of the testing and whatnot, so will retire sooner than I thought as I can't stand teaching to the test. A few more years.

 

Evelyn, what ever communication we can find from our BELOVED ones are goods that were left just for us. Gold and Silver can't stand next to that.

 

Susan, rest assured that in today's world, tattoos don't seem to matter as to employment...I have seen high end executives both women and men with visible tattoos, at least in big cities, piercings too, big gage holes in ears and spears in eyebrows and lip...just a different time and acceptance. The rules have changed in so many ways. She may one day be ready to make it smaller but right now it feels right to her to announce her UNCLE. So nice that you had time with Little Man yesterday too.

 

I am currently reading a fabulous novel by Celeste Nge, All That I Never Told You...wow, powerful as a family learns of their teens suicide. The pain described by siblings and parents is palpable, like ours. I love when a writer gets it right.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I have posted before...I am more like my Grama...and Randa is more like my Mom...I am not worried...Tay is shining through...if 'someone' wouldn't want to hire her...because of her tattoo...she wouldn't want to work for them anyway...she is our girl...she is her 'own girl'....she wanted to graduate a year early...she did....(of course Mama is feeling all the feelings that her twins aren't doing all the Sr. stuff together) and my heart hurts for her...so I love and pet on her...tell her all is going to be 'ok'...Tay is so much like me that we have this amazing trust between us. I noted years ago that in some families...personalities seem to skip generations.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion...thanks for the sharing on this site I have read some very good books.

 

 

Laurie....I felt the same when I read that article....that even 7 years on the grief journey....we are still on the journey...

I decorated for Halloween...and had the get together as I have had since living here....the kids go trick-r-treating and all the parents gather here....it is a fine party....the parents these days are so busy....and I can give them a break in that all they have to do is show up....and I take care of the rest.....but really....giving all those kids these amazing fun memories/traditions is so very important.

     Getting ourselves out there has to come with baby steps...doing the traditional things seem to be simpler....for all we have to do is walk in the same footsteps.

 

 

 

I took these photos before the big crowd arrived....and some ghosts I made for our new little man....

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I guess it must have been one of those nasty 'stomach bugs'.....not

sure, of course. Just glad that it's over with....(I hope).   It's harder to

shake it off, the older one gets.        Yes, it does seem like there's a lot of this

type of crappy illness going around.      Such a delightful time you had with little

Erica at the park.  Great quality time, spending it outdoors,  which children seem

to love more than anything.....being outdoors.

 

Shannon-----So nice that you had that special time with Aiden, and sending

love and prayers up to dear Trista.  Memories to cherish.

 

Evelyn-----Good to see your post.  Your notes to your dear mom, telling her

of how much you lover her is such a nice thought to recall.  She's always

with you.

 

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[lsj53]

HI everyone,   My name is Linda and I posted on here several months ago after I loss my 42yo son, Shawn, my only child.  He left me one year ago 11/3.  His birthday is 12/3 and then the dreaded holidays.  Last year I was so numb I didn't feel all much pain as I seem to be feeling this year.  The numbness is gone and now the rawness of it all is here.  He left me  two beautiful teen grandchildren but they live a few hours away so just see them every couple of months or so.  I miss them so much but seeing them is a blessing and a hardship knowing  their dad should be here for them.  They are both struggling with his loss especially his 15yo son who worshiped his dad.  It's all so hard.  I broke down this morning sobbing and yelling due to my hurting heart; those spells come and go.  I wear my mask at work most times.  I have no other close family other than a sister who is in very poor health and my friends seem to be so wrapped up in their own lives it's hard to tell them how I'm feeling. 

I think coming back to this group wil help me.  I'm still in counseling but sometimes its hard to find what to talk about, hard to explain but I seem to just tell "my story" over and over which helps to have someone to listen.

Hugs to all.

[Sholl1955]

Hi Linda,

I remember when the first anniversary came around after losing Sarah I felt the same way.  It was hard to understand but it felt even more painful for me too.   As hard as it is, I think that may be normal.  The shock and numbness are lessened somewhat and we enter another year without them.   This is a good place to come back to.  So many helpful and supportive people.   We are in this for the long haul but it helps to know there are those who "get it"    Have a restful night.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Linda, what Sandy says is so...the numbness and shock wears away and we often feel increasing pain for a long while, dealing with the absolute sadness and heartache. It is normal in this new life. You will not always feel as you do now, the hole in your heart will remain but you will learn to put the great things about your Son in there, and eventually learn to walk carrying him everywhere you go. Eventually there will be less acute pain but those spells still happen. I hope that your Grandchildren can get some assistance with their grief as well.

I go on and off to a therapist and Erica died 12.5 years ago. I find that there are times that I need to re-up for some time to just reflect and remember. Today I was thinking about how strong willed Erica was even very tiny and young, that thought makes me smile while at the same time tears formed. We live with a foot in two worlds, the world where we once lived and this new one where we aren't sure we want to live...hang on and understand that you will need time and space in which to grieve, it is a process and all processes take time. The only way through grief is to allow yourself to feel it and face it. We are here.

 

Sandy, it is good to see you here tonight. I am thinking of you and wondering how you are?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks, Dee, for the book recommendation! I downloaded it to Kindle Audible, and it's great! I have a hard time seeing tiny print, so this way, I can relax and listen as it is read to me. Haven't gotten very far yet, but it really made me sleepy, which is a good thing, as pain often keeps me from sleep. Love to all Indigo's, more later!

[ericasmom]

Becky, so good to see you today and I am glad that you are listening to this book. This woman really writes well, I look forward to more each day, though only get through about 3 pages a night as I fall asleep from the act of reading. How are you this autumn day? How is your Daughter?

[Mermaid Tears]

Linda...what you are experiencing is what I call the 'shock suit'....it fits very tight the first year or two....I find that it is like a protective kind of suit....for if we experienced all the emotions...all the memories...pain....at once.....we would have a complete physical/emotional breakdown...meltdown.

    I am in my 3rd year on this grief journey....I stay on this site for I do not have a circle of friends around me that has lost a child...and I need contact everyday with those that understand what I am feeling....without my reciting an explanation...

     Our 'spirit guides' on this site are the ones that have been here for years....and I am not ashamed to say how much I need them....they continually give me the support in that I can survive and carry on...even though I feel shattered and crippled and lost.

    The nature of grief is that I don't feel the same way....24/7.....my human compass left with my boy....

 

 

 

Becky....my Aunt...(she passed away a couple of years ago) had very poor eye sight in her Sr. years and she 'listened' to books....they were a lifeline of pleasure for her. I hope with each passing day you are getting a layer of healing.

[daveydow1]

Linda-----I'm glad you came back to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo).

Everyone here knows the terrible pain and sorrow that is always with

a person who has lost a dear child/ grandchild, or anyone who was

very close to them. The sorrow is always there....sometimes just down

underneath such a tiny bit, or other times when it hits like an onslaught

that makes us scream and cry out.  In time, it will get 'softer', as some

here have experienced, but it may help you to recall some of the good

times and wonderful memories of your dear son.  At this early point

on your journey....it may just serve to make the tears fall more, I know.

But, this journey is a process of taking some steps forward (no matter how

small those steps may be).....and steps backward along the way.  This

is the reality of this new road no one ever wants to be on.  Keep coming

back to BI....we're here, and want to help if we can....even to just listen

...which can be a comfort.  Others who have not experienced this kind of loss---

such as co-workers, some friends, even some family cannot fathom the

depth of this kind of loss.  Here, at BI,  we're all on the same journey...

even though at many different points on the road. I've been here at this

site for a long time....my son, David, was killed in a highway crash in 2003, and

my baby girl died many years ago at the age of 6 mo.  Please come back

to BI.  Peace to you.

 

Kate----How are you doing?  

 

Sandy---Good to see your post. Hope you are doing ok.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry

 

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted to check in and say thank you to everybody.  I feel blessed to have you all in my life.  I am  amazed by everyone here, from those who have been here a long time, to the people who have just started this journey.  There is always somebody here to give encouragement, hope, and just an ear to listen.  You have seen me through some lowest times in my life and I can't thank you enough, our angels have brought together incredible strength to get parents through incredible pain. 

 

I wish I was strong, so I could reach out and help instead of always take.  Something I have to work on, and believe me, I know I am a work in progress..

 

I am still on a rugged road and I don't know where I will end up.  I know that even if I fall on my face that even failing is not an option.. For the love of JaBoa her grandma needs to pick it up..  I am just slow moving, and not sure I am done with the fall. 

 

Mostly I just want to say thank you

[Mermaid Tears]

Leah....I wanted to remind you of what Dee posted when I first got on this site....

 

we are the bravest....for we have lived even one day after our child passes....

 

that is the highest level of truth ever....

 

I believe your circumstances...situation with the grown adult children you have living with you are bringing you down even more than your grief....

 

and my grief always goes deeper...and darker when I have a situation that is overwhelming in my life....it is only natural.

 

When you have more control over your living situation...I think you will find a lot of relief and healing.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Hi everyone. I've spent the morning reading here. This is such a hard month. Friday, the 13th, will be Matthews first birthday in Heaven. Then the 28th his first Anniversary. I'm now playing the "this time last year I was.," game. It's torturous.

My sister wants to come over for dinner Friday. I wanted to make Matthews favorite dinner, and release some balloons with my granddaughter.

As far as Thanksgiving, it was the last day I spent with him, even though I saw him briefly on the day he passed. My brother has invited us to his home, but I don't want to go. It's going to be a rough day.

I know November is hard for many here and all I can offer is ((hugs)).

As far as the legal matter, I did meet with the Prosecutor who told me they would not be pressing charges, and 7 days later I was informed by the detective from the local PD who has been wonderful, that he does in fact have a grand jury date of Dec. 3, so I don't know what is really happening.

All I know is its been an effort to get out of bed these days. I've no insurance, or I might consider getting something for depression, or seek counseling.

[Mermaid Tears]

Eileen....you do have your share of those mourning marker dates....and the holidays are upon us....I know we don't live down the street....but we are here to hear you....and you won't have to go it alone....we are here to let you know we understand the pain and that dark grief.

      I think you should be feeling very blue....this kind of grief is the kind that will make you want to stay in bed...on the couch...this kind of grief is very, very exhausting....I think counseling and medications are useful bridges to help many...but where you are now.....with his birthday...angelversary...holidays.....I don't think there is anything on this earth that can pick you up now....just know that many have walked in your shoes....and you can get through it. It is hard.

    I think there is a season for everything...and this is a time for you to mourn. Just bend into it....don't expect too much of yourself now....be kind and gentle with yourself.

    

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Sherry...we are doing ok. Sort of comme ci comme ca if you know what I mean. Just taking one day at a time is what works best for us. The weather has been very mild, but also damp and dull for the most part. I find I have to work hard at staying in a cheerful mood when the days are grey and misty. We are also coming up to the six year mark for Jeff. It honestly seems in many ways as if it  were just last year. Where does the time go? We have a new Prime Minister that has followed in his father's footsteps. We also have a new Cabinet that is gender balanced. Many new and younger fresh faces that offer much promise. Finally, we can get back on track  regarding the environmental issues. I see much to be concerned about living where we do.

 

Tomorrow is Remembrance Day and also Veterans Day. In our household it is not a holiday... but rather a day to honour all those that serve or served our country in order that we can enjoy the freedom that we do. My husband's aunt would have given him a stern lecture had he referred to it as a holiday. Her husband was killed in the war as were several of our family. The issue these days on the radio is about stores playing Xmas music and showing Xmas ads before Remembrance Day. Some of our neighbours have also started to turn on their lights. A tad early if you ask me. Still, I say that the boys would want us to enjoy our lives and that is what it is all about. To have the freedom to do what we like in situations such as that.

 

We watched Donald Trump on SNL...seriously? Why?

 

We headed into the site on Sunday and sat on the bench. It was so quiet and peaceful. I will go tomorrow and place a single rose on the bench in memory. Then home to bake my Christmas cake. The fruit has been soaking in rum for a couple of days.  I think the roof would blow if you lit a match.

 

The holidays are so very difficult for all those that have lost loved ones. Just being able to connect with those that understand can mean so much. I am sending love and warm thoughts to all. Love, Kate 

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....when you post....I feel as if an old friend sends me a hello....you were 'there' when I first came on this site....3 years ago....

can it be....that 3 years have gone....

since I lost John David....the clock has a different 'tick tock'....

[Sistergldnhair66]

Susan, thank you for your kind words..your always so comforting. You always make it feel OK to feel what I'm feeling when those around me are getting exasperated with my brokenness.

Kate, yes the weather and the impending holiday play a big part in being down. I dread these short dark days. It just started and I'm already pining for spring.

But I sure wish I could see/taste/smell that fruitcake. It sounds divine.

And I agree..Trump on SNL? But I felt the same when Hilary was on so....

Be well all.

Eileen

[TearsInHeaven]

Eileen, my calendar clock is ticking like yours and I know that the 28th is a day I dread.  It will be last day that I will have my newest memories of Michael. Last Thanksgiving we all spoke with him on the phone--even Piper jabbered on with him.  And the next day the hospital chaplain called... I, too, feel the same dread that keeps me from functioning.  It seems that those ahead of us relate the same tales of woe.  Somehow they survived the first year.  I know I take strength from Dee, Susan, Laurie, Sherry and the others with their always comforting words.  This gut wrenching ache is never going to go away. I experienced the same thoughts from Georgina and Francesca who's James and Michael passed so close to ours.  This whole month has been a daily "If I had know that Michael only had x amount of days left to live...."    I think Susan's description of the "shock suit" is so right on.  This hurts so much more because in the beginning I could barely think past the next minute.  Now I know what the beginnings of forever really feel like.  

[Jeff's Mom]

Eileen and Dianne...this initial shock that you are experiencing will eventually lift. I never thought I would ever say that. The first two years found me walking around in a state of disbelief. My feet barely touched the ground. The very effort of getting out of bed in the morning was monumental. My entire life and all that it was composed of was changed in the flash of a moment. I was happy... or so I thought at that time. This sudden and unexpected death of my son forced me into a cocoon. But like the butterfly I eventually emerged into a new person. All that I had considered important was no more. Priorities were completely altered. It felt odd but as I walked back down that path the other day it felt different somehow. The terrible pain had lifted and I felt renewed. The ache will always be there. That is simply how it will be. The empty chair at the special events. One thing that has helped me tremendously has been to hold onto two things. My faith and the certain belief that this separation is temporary...although it seems forever right now. It is but a fleeting moment in real time. You have not left your child behind. As a parent we know that could simply never happen. They are walking this journey alongside us as we go about our daily tasks. I try to close my eyes and envision all that brought laughter and happiness into my life with my son. I form a mental picture of a warm and comforting quilt or sweater that I make from these memories that I wrap around me. His presence seems so much closer that way. Take the special events and try to add a special and personal tribute or memorial to your child. Many do something modest  that becomes a tradition and it does help. Hang in there. You are stronger than you know.

 

Susan, thank you!  Put the tea on!

 

Kate

[TearsInHeaven]

Kate, I am not sure why I came back in here again this morning but I am grateful I did.  Your words are comforting in a time where I am feeling so much turmoil.  Thank you for your words of wisdom.  It is from you and others who have been on this path longer than myself that I try to take some solace.  I too have my faith, shaken as it is but I could never have survived this without it.  I know that someday I will be  once again with my son.  I was blessed to have seen an experience like that first hand.  To condense, a very close woman to me was seriously ill and dying.  I was with her right before she died and I "SAW" her reaction first hand when her previously deceased family came for her.  You could see it in her face as she looked across and "saw" each one.  It was the most surreal experience I ever had. This woman was like a mother to me  for my entire life and it was the most amazing experience to be with her when she passed.  Please understand that in my line of work I have seen many people die and never experienced it like this.

Thank you for sharing your experience and offering your comforting words.  It has been people like you here on this site that have helped me get this far.

[K's mom]

Thank you all for your blessings and kindness. I feel for each of you in your loss. I live each day trying to understand. Haven't found that yet, but so many stories on this site have given me hope. I know there's an answer, and we'll learn that one day. I try to stay strong in my beliefs, but falter. I am close to Caitlin's son and get to see him often. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that Caitlin had from kindergarten - it's just a 1"x1" square with her name and a star above it. I noticed this weekend that it was gone. I asked Michael if he had seen it, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It nearly broke my heart. He put his arms around me and said, I miss her mamaw. I held him close and said, I know you do, but she's with you all the time - your guardian angel.

 

I realized I had been so blindsided in my grief that I couldn’t see her in her son - her blue eyes, her hair with the widow’s peak; and when he held me, I could feel her.

 

No, this hasn’t ended my grief. I don’t think I will ever get over the pain, but I will put all my efforts in seeing that her son never wants for someone to hold him and tell him he looks just like his mommy who loved him to the moon and back.

 

God bless you all for being there.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I want to welcome you to this site....although it is one that no

one ever wants to end up on.  I'm sorry for your loss of your beautiful

daughter, so recently.  Here, you will find that others understand the

terrible sorrow, longing, and grief that come with the loss of a child or

grandchild, or other loved one so close to them.   Your dear little grandson

must be a comfort to you, while also bringing painful feelings of regret that his

wonderful mommy is not here to see him grow & thrive...... I'm sorry.

Please come back to this site and read/post as you feel you want to.

There are no 'rules' for posting. Some of us have been here for a long

time, while others come and go.  If, and when they return, they are

welcome as though they had been here all along. We all understand that

there are times when one just doesn't have much to say, and only wish

to read the posts.  All this is fine to do.  Wishing you peace, friend.

 

Eileen----Wishing you comfort in the times leading up to your dear son's

angel day.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

Kate---Glad you are doing ok.  Heard on the radio how the people of Canada are

happy that Justin Trudeau is now in office, and that some environmental

issues will finally be addressed.  Your Christmas cake sounds like it will

be a delicious treat.     Is it your tradition to make it every Christmas season?

 

Leah-----I guess we all have the sense, from time-to-time that we are weak.....

and we're probably right. No one can be strong all the time.  But, the very

fact that we are still going along in life, shows we do have strength.  I know

that sometimes it feels like just plodding along.....barely moving.....but still

taking those little steps.  Your sweet JaBoa is always with you because she

lives in your heart & soul.  That is a constant in our lives.......our darlings are

always with us, and we will never forget them, and know that we'll see them

again someday.   Peace to you, my BI friend.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

l

[flocicero]

Hi everyone, it's been a few weeks since I last visited. Life is so busy right now....I only have 9 days left in Indiana & trying to get the house ready for sale....have lots of work to wrap up & my mom came to visit this week! Holidays are approaching quickly & sadness is setting in.....

Linda, I know how you are feeling, I just got through my first year & the pain is still so strong....falling to my knees & screaming his name still happens....... My heart goes out to you.....tell your story as often as you need....I find that I do the same.....

Eileen & Diane, I am thinking of the two of you as the 1st angel anniversary approaches.....everyday you think of "what was I doing with my son at this time last year"? It becomes so overwhelming ....every minute....but you do get through the day....we have no choice....god bless.....

I just picked up a new book, found it at the airport subday while waiting for my mom to get in...the title is "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke ....haven't started it yet, hope to find some down time in all this craziness....has anyone read it? I hope it's good....

Going to share some chocolate red wine with mom now:)

Peace & love to all

Francesca

[Mermaid Tears]

will post tomorrow....many people...around me....

sometimes I feel as if I need to

'cocoon' again...

[ericasmom]

I have read everyone's words here, just have been too busy to respond adequately, will come back later today. Know this Parents/Grandparents; you are the strongest people both of heart and daily strength to come away one day from a Child's death. Your love will buoy you in the darkest of days, let it, you will not drown. The love you  carry is forever, none of that shall ever fade, you will not forget so let that worry go. We are all holding your hands and hearts.

[Mermaid Tears]

Rhonda......am so comforted in that you have a close relationship with your GRANDson....and believe me....you are very, very important to him and how he will go forward.

 

I can understand how a parent may not 'see' how the family members are suffering....this kind of grief can grip you and isolate you....and it is hard to even breathe...it is so exhausting and dark....

     I remember in 2012....it was sometime after Thanksgiving...and I made the statement to my husband and daughter...'I don't think I will put up a tree this year'.....

     My daughter got tears in her eyes and said...'Mom....John David died....we didn't'....

I was immediately sorry for what I had said....but the thoughts had been formed by my heavy grief.

     We walk a fine line some days when we are learning to carry and live on this earth home without our child....and gathering the other children in our arms.

 

I know now.....John David is not the only child I love.....he is the only child that died.

 

It was during the 2nd Angelanniversary that my eyes were more open to the grief of his siblings and friends.

It was then my son, Jesse said...'We all knew that if Mom could make it...we could, too'....

 

Remember.....none of us are Super Hero Parents....we are simply Super Human Parents...

[daveydow1]

Francesca----Know what you mean about the sadness setting in with

all the holidays approaching.  I guess we just have to take it a day at

a time, and hope that we can find some bit of joy in the days with family &

friends. May you find comfort.  Good luck with the move.

 

Just because we feel weak, does not mean that we are not strong.

 

Not much else to say today.......a bit melancholy, really.

 

 

PEACE  AND  BLESSINGS TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, welcome to this place of care and nurture, it is not what anyone would wish you needed to find, but your life changed as did all of ours and so here we are, taking care of one another. It is the hardest thing in a life, to lose our Children. I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered and that your Grandboy has suffered. Who does your Grandson live with since your Daughter died?

I think it is so special that he took that magnet just to have a piece of her close to him. That is what the teachers and friends don't understand all the time, the deep mourning a child feels for his parent is pretty much going to interrupt his other thinking for a while and they need to make sure of his emotions on a regular basis. I am glad that he has you.

I teach third grade so this is the view I have when loss comes to a Child's life. BUt you my Dear are Parent who has lost a Child and the absolute broken heart you are feeling is real. It will one day piece itself somewhat back together though it takes a long while and you must be patient with yourself just as your Grandboy will have to be with himself. No easy task.

I am wishing you a sense of your Girl this evening. Tell us more about her when you are able.

 

Those of you heading into that first angelverssary I am holding you close. There is nothing easy about ending that first year, the time factor alone is crazy to think about, but hang on, it is often the lead up to the benchmark dates that shake us to the core more than the actual day...somehow we feel every ounce of worry and replay each significant part of the event that stole your Child, sleep often becomes less solid, and we mostly like to isolate.

Everyone should feel able to say no thank you to invitations for Thanksgiving and the Winter Holidays as well, you can change your mind at the last minute if you feel it is a good idea, but it is also okay to stay home and eat oatmeal. I did that a time or two. Until we find our steps, you do what you need to do to feel less anxiety.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to share this.....I don't think anyone can quite say what is in my heart but I am on the 3rd year of my grief journey...and I knew early on...that I did not want to become one of those 'bitter' people....my Grama had many 'bitter' people that would come and visit....

   I could never figure out the why or how she could ever be so nice to them....

but when we are young....we are very black and white....right or wrong....

then.....we become 'grey'....

maybe there were things that happened to them and in those days...there weren't many self help or TV gurus to help us over those bad times....

 

anyway....this is the way I feel my John David....he is helping me...he is trying to keep me afloat...and not let me drink from the cup of bitters....