Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 14, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 Thank you, Dee.....I did not want Colleen to think I was judging her for having anger....for I believe that anger is normal...justified....and can act as a catalyst in some situations....anger used right....can be healing....for it can burn out ....and leave one spent. Anger can also propel one to right a wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted October 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Thank you all for the congrats on the new job; I'm so looking forward to going home! I was on the phone earlier with my son Chris and we were both talking a hundred miles an hour...finishing each other's sentences & being totally excited about all of us being back in the Wisconsin house where both my boys grew up....at one point in the conversation I had to stop & tell Chris that he had promise me he would be safe......I just have this fear .....I can't even imagine what I would do if I lost Chris.......he understands my fear because he has the same thoughts about me....he can't even talk about it......my boys & I have always been so close ....Susan, I understand what you meant & I'm sure Colleen does as well .....it is hard to face that fact, trust me I know....Michael was the one who choose to buy the drugs & ingested a deadly combination of pills that put him into such a deep sleep that he aspirated to death....it wasn't even a drug overdose according to the toxicology report .....I still have anger & hate for his girlfriend who didn't even try to save him....she knew what was happening....she was in the room with him.....but just left him......but in the end, he bought the pills, he took the pills .......very, very hard to accept....Peace & love to all......I actually feel a little lighter tonight...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Francesca....you said you were feeling a little lighter....that is good for you in so many ways....I think we all know at some level what is going to be best for ourselves when we are given this kind of grief that was not our choice...our only choices will be in how we carry/handle it.... for me.....I knew instinctively that I needed to 'cocoon'...to take myself away from my schedule/community events/organizations/social responsibilities.....when I found this site...Dee was the one that gave me my 'reason, solution, permission' by validating what I was feeling....it was the best thing I could ever do for myself..... I still 'cocoon' to some extent...and I have not gone back to my organizations...I am still trying to make this foreign land my home again...without John David....my 'new normal'....After having this kind of grief....it takes a lot of hard heart work to find our place again...I do believe we are so....so brave.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Corkys Momma Posted October 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 I've been reading all the posts and my heart feels a little better. Yesterday was a real bad day for me. It was my sons birthday he turned 45. I stayed in bed all day.Today isn't much better, it's been six weeks, that he was taken from me. I'm trying to figure out how to make sure that my oldest son is OK. But I'm not wanting to talk to anyone. I thought it would be better to express my self to all of you. I'm still not wanting to eat and my husband keeps pushing food at me. I'm trying so hard to not get angry at him or others . so I keep to myself and sleep.every moment of the day and when my eyes are open I see my son Corky. I pray that this pain eases some. But in my heart I know it'll never ease.again thank all of you for your words of encouragement. My prayers are with you.. Corkys momma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Corky's Mom.....we are all walking in your shoes....and staying in bed at this time on your grief journey is quite normal...for grief is exhausting....I did not have the energy to drag a dead cat out of my house...I had 'the WHO CARES'....and as for eating.....I, too, had the same symptoms....I had no appetite...and would gag trying to eat....but....you simply MUST practice 'self care'.....I would cut up fruit into bite size pieces and eat it through out the day....sip water....and Gatorade...that will replenish your electrolytes...stress always breaks us down emotionally and physically...and you can actually feel your heart breaking...keeping quiet is also normal...but also important is to let your husband and family know they are loved and that you know they, too, have lots of pain...no man is an island with this kind of grief. If it is hard to communicate with family at this time....just have a quick...quiet little conversation with them..letting them know you are in a place now where you simply don't have the words....but if they need to talk to you....then I think you should let them have a space to share what they are feeling. That way...no one in the family feels apart or shut out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted October 15, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 http://www.npr.org/2014/09/05/345796530/a-poet-on-losing-his-son-before-you-heal-you-have-to-mourn"Before your heal you have to mourn"I stumbled across this tonight. I thought I would share it. I hope you can all access it. The radio interview is really beautiful Peace to all Georgina x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 Before you heal, you have to mourn. Never a more true statement Georgina. I will try to give a listen tomorrow, thanks so much. There is only one way through grief and that is to actually go through it. We will hold your hand and your heart as you find your way through the intricate maze of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 16, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 this is something I read every morning...hope the message will help others on this journey.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted October 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 Mermaid Tears.You did not offend me. Here, On this site, I am with other parents who share my path. Their child contributed to their own death. We can openly talk about this pain without judgement.All my friends,Brian has been an angel for over 7 years. Over the years, I have recognized patterns in my grief. When the seasons change, I realize that time is going on without my Brian. The sadness is peaked during these times. Mikes Mom, reading your post, you understand my pain, along with many others here. I still cannot believe Brian is dead. We missed so much. I am rambling, because I miss my boy. I know you all here will understand.Colleen, Brian's mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 Colleen.....yes....all of us on this site understands without an explanation.... Since I have lost John David...(on this earth home)....I tend to second guess myself....and that has only started since I put foot on this grief journey....before....I was always sure of what I said...my plans...my thoughts...my decisions....and now....I seem to have this feeling of not being in balance....but that can be because I am so shattered...and I have to give myself time...to move slowly and pick up the pieces of me and put myself back together. How we miss our child !!! That is the part of grief that we will never heal. I guess I will just 'get use to the missing'....it will be a part of me that neither Mother Nature or Father Time can fix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted October 17, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 Georgina-------I, so, know what you mean about missing James,.....and all thethings you did together....his great smile. We especially miss the 'little things',the day-in-day-out things that gave us such joy. Wishing you peace, friend.thanks for the song---good words. Colleen-----Good to see your post. I remember when you came on BI, andhow a pain hit me to learn of the death of one so very young----your dear Brian. Susan-----You said "I guess I'll have to get used to the missing". Yes, I guessit goes that way. Also..... the pain in the heart won't be lifted until we seeour darlings again.....never to part again. PEACE AND SERENITY, AND A RESTFUL NIGHT, TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 18, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 18, 2015 I am in my 3rd year of my grief journey.....and still....there can be a situation that will take my breath away.... a memory that will make me go to my knees...the first two years it was extremely painful...to the max...a 10 on a scale of 'no pain being one'....'extreme pain being 10' the shock suit does not fit as tight....thus....portals are opening letting in some small...everyday kind of memories... and they come from left field...I have no control over the memory that comes...how it washes over me...and where...I was in the grocery store 2 days ago....a small memory came about him talking about a new recipe for brisket...the instant tears...I put on my sunglasses....and checked out...I was extremely low for the rest of the day after that meltdown...I think that is very normal....my down times aren't as long.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 From Susan's Post,"In time you learn to surround yourself with with those that give us strength and best understand how we feel.." I would say that is so very important, to find those that have a similar grief path to share with....it seems like child death is one of the most difficult to handle and bear.... Those unexpected moments that remind us of our children can really set off grief storms...I always try to keep my sunglasses nearby in public. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 And Laurie....we face the facts that our child's friends will move on.....and the fact that they lived will not be an everyday memory for them....for they are going to school...getting an education...forging new relationships...moving across the country....finding love...getting married...having children....and we will be the ones to remember our child...not to say they are in anyway unloving...uncaring...but...time moves forward...not backward.... I know who will always remember John David...I know, too, there are those that will move forward...and will have a tug at the heart...when remembering... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 Hey All,just got in a bit ago from a windy sunrise walk, now must scurry to get to school...busy weekend and warm temps with high winds for the next few days, very cold windy the previous several. Ah Autumn, how nice to not have to make up your mind... Peaceful day Everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 Dee.....hope you have a successful and quality filled week with the kids...I so understand the 'why' you went back to work after Eri left this earth home....children have a way of filling in the dark spots...filling in the time...instead of standing in empty... we have a slight dip in temps....cool in the mornings...but heats up during the day....rain is expected around the middle of the week...and boy....we need every drop... We hung the new large portrait..of John David and Hunter Bear....next to the one of John David and Jeremy...will post photos... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 I am just now able to function in a creative way....the first photo is the new art ...of John David and Hunter Bear...John David was 41...Hunter Bear was 13...2011the second photo is the portrait that I have had on my wall for years and years...John David was 17...Jeremy was 4...1987both were taken by me at Port Aransas.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 19, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sistergldnhair66 Posted October 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 It's been a LONG time since, I've been here. I've missed you all. I don't know why I didn't come back sooner, I just....I don't know. I've been in a dark place. Why is everything a dull gray. The month of August was a whirlwind. My son Sean, got married on August 29. It was a beautiful day, a beautiful wedding. I was happy and sad at the same time. Missing my boy. I'm just so very lost. I spoke to the Detective handling my sons case yesterday. He explained that the prosecutor who originally held the case for the county, was transferred. This prosecutor was very gung ho about the case. The new prosecutor who was assigned the case...is not. He does not want to go to grand jury and will most likely offer a plea to a lesser charge, or dismiss altogether. What a blow. He did give me the number of the new prosecutor, said I have every right to call and discuss it with him. I don't know what to say. Can any of you offer anything? Detective said it might help to put a voice to the case, at this point it couldn't hurt anything. I just know, my son couldn't drive, the dealer called from my sons phone, didn't know my son, but said he knew the boy he was with. And the fact that this boy drove past hospitals, and sat outside my sisters house for 10 minutes, not going to her for help, while my son was dying in the front seat. My nephew came home at the very moment that this boy was dragging my son's lifeless body from the car,....he was going to leave him in the driveway like a piece of trash...it is so very wrong!! Do any of you have an advice for my phone call? I'm glad to be back. Missed you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Eileen....happy to hear that your son's wedding was beautiful...and even the weather cooperated....but we know that at times of celebration....birthdays...holidays....reunions...there will always be a little shadow...a small black cloud hovering on the horizon....that has the shape of our child. I think it is normal...for us to have that combination of happy/sad at these events. We did not have a choice in this.....and really....we have no choice in our emotions for 'the absence of a presence' that we now live with. I have never been in your situation....but I think it would be a good idea to go and have a talk/visit/consultation with a Drug/Addiction Counselor. I am sure you would not be the first parent to need to have some constructive words of wisdom in which way you need to approach this situation. They can give you some help in how to form the conversation from where you have been...and a direction to how to present your questions/case. They can probably give you some facts that you haven't thought about. Where you are now on this grief journey....I think it is normal for a parent to see everything in gray....and to feel lost...it is as if we were placed in some kind of foreign country without a map....and we have to learn to balance ourselves in this 'new normal'.... I am in my 3rd year....some days are good...some days are better....some days are bad....some days are worse.I take it one day at a time. I hope I have helped you in some little way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Corkys Momma Posted October 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 WP_20151015_16_51_08_Pro.jpgWP_20151016_14_38_52_Pro.jpg I am just now able to function in a creative way....the first photo is the new art ...of John David and Hunter Bear...John David was 41...Hunter Bear was 13...2011the second photo is the portrait that I have had on my wall for years and years...John David was 17...Jeremy was 4...1987both were taken by me at Port Aransas.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 OnelessBengals...I am so sorry for the loss of your son. This site has been of so much help and comfort to me. Eileen, perhaps talking with the Prosecutor and seeing what his/her thoughts are for this case. It was good that your other son's wedding went so well despite the heartache. Susan, very nice framed picture John David and Hunter....it is beautiful. Found this blog I have been reading. http://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/22/rest-in-peace-my-angle-child-22-1-2013/ Sending peace to all Indigoes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Angel....Angle....quite a difference....where did that website come from....??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 I love those photos too Susan, they show the connections within your family. Treasures. Laurie, I will read the blog when I can, you always post such great pieces to share.Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members K's mom Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm K's mom. Her real name was Caitlin, but she coined the name K when she was about 1 because she couldn't say Caitlin; therefore, named herself K. She was my second child. My first was stillborn. After a year of trying to have another child, my doctor recommended fertility meds and Caitlin was born on May 20, 1988. She was beautiful as a baby and grew into a beautiful woman. When she was 20, she had a beautiful son. When she was 22 (in 2011), she was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. The doctors told us she had 6 months, maybe 2 years at the most. She immediately started chemo and went through 4 rounds before her PET scan was clear. Then in October, 2014, I got a call from her father saying she was at the Cancer Center for, what was believed at the time, a tumor in her stomach. On November 3, the doctors removed a 10 lb tumor. When the doctor came to talk to us, he said "all I can say is amazing. When we started the surgery, I honestly thought we would just have to close her up, but the tumor practically peeled away and we also did a total hysterectomy since that seemed to be the origination point." I immediately filled with joy thinking the cancer had tricked itself. Six weeks later we went to the oncologist's office for the results of her CT scan and was told it was in her peritoneum. My daughter asked, so I don't have any tumors, and the doctor said "yes, your peritoneum is filled with cancer cells." I asked what the next step was and the doctor said chemo. In January my daughter started chemo. In March, my daughter couldn't keep anything on her stomach. She went to the ER and they sent her to the Cancer Center. This went on for two months. In April, her father called me and said "you'd better come up." My daughter lived one state away. So I packed and left immediately. When I got to the hospital, I was surprised to see my daughter so gaunt. They had an NG tube in her nose and she was unable to eat anything for fear it would stop up the NG tube. We asked for consult with the doctors. They planned on a "vent," which what I understood was a tube that would be placed in her stomach via PEG tube insertion which reduces intractable nausea and vomiting. She was prepped and sent to surgery. One hour later, the physician came back and said the surgery was unsuccessful due to bowel obstruction - tumors. A myriad of doctors came in and out for several days. We kept asking what the plan was and never could get a straight answer. Finally one week after she was admitted, one of her pervious surgeons came by. He asked to talk to me in private. He said, "you do know you're daughter is dying." I replied, "yes, she's starving to death. What are the doctors going to do?" He said, "no, you don't understand, there is nothing we can do. The tumors have cut off her bowel and stomach. She has Peritoneal carcinomatosis." I felt the world crashing in on me. He said, "I'm sorry, but I thought someone had to tell the parents what was going on." I was angry, I was devastated. Why were we not told! The doctor said, "she has probably been told." I immediately called her father to come back to the waiting area. We called her oncologist and a rep was sent. She confirmed what the surgeon had told us. K's father asked if someone was going to talk to our daughter to explain the process. She said she would the next day after consulting with the oncologist. When Caitlin's father and I returned to her room, she looked up at me and said "I'm going to die, aren't I mom." She was 26 years old. Every memory of 26 years flashed before my eyes. I started to cry. She said, "don't cry mom, please. It's OK." We spent the next few days preparing her to go to Hospice. She just wanted to go home with her husband. We convinced her that it would be best to go to her father's which was nearby. We had Hospice come to his home. He had remarried, but it was all OK. This was our daughter and I would not leave her side. Caitlin came to her dad's via ambulance on Thursday, May 14 weighing 90 lbs - from 160 lbs in January. I stayed in the bedroom with her all day Thursday and Thursday night. Friday she seemed worse. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, but when she lost control of her kidneys, I lost it. I picked her up and sobbed as her father changed her bed. I cleaned her up. She looked at me and said, "please mom, don't cry." I told her I loved her. She always slept with the TV on, so I laid on the bed next to hers and watched her go to sleep. At 3:30am Saturday, May 16, I woke to find the TV off and my daughter breathing erratically. I jumped out of bed and grabbed her. I said, "Caitlin, please look at me." Her eyes were unfocused and not blinking. I screamed for her father and he came rushing in. We held her until she passed away - four days before her 27th birthday. It's been five months. My pain is as great as it was that day. I've been to grief counseling but found no relief. I can't go back to church because I don't understand why God has taken both of my children. I'm sorry for the long post, I just felt I needed to get all this out. I have a wonderful husband and family, but honestly, I don't think they want to hear or see my pain, so I keep it all inside. I just want to see my daughter in a dream or have some kind of connection with her one more time. I'm so desparate that I've scheduled a meeting with a medium. Any advice is welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 K's Mom...... I read your post.....we are so sorry to hear that your girl left this earth home...and we read your sorrow with each word.....I have to run some errands....but I promise I will return and send you a message...we know how heavy and dark this grief is....and it is exhausting. I lost my SONshine boy, John David, in August, 2012....he was 42....so we do walk in your shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 K's Mom your story touches me and I am sure, the others on this site. Your pain and anguish is the price you and all of us have paid--- but do not suffer it alone. So many are on this site that are at various points on this grief journey and are always ready to share, to listen and to understand. I am 7 days away from the 11th month of losing my son. It is unimaginable pain. Talk about your beautiful K whenever you can--and you always can here--- and talk to her. I have found that I needed to do this. Sometimes I just talk about everyday stuff, some days (ok a lot of days) I am angry that he had to die, but it has helped me at least feel connected. So maybe these conversations are just me but I will take whatever comfort I can find. My husband always takes the time after he cuts grass to sit in the corner of our yard and talk with Michael. It has been his grief handle. Michael's best friend tells me he does this all the time and sometimes he even thinks he has heard him chuckle! I am too new at this to be able to offer advice, I can only tell you what I have done. But, the others here are in various timelines--well, timelines may not be the right word but another escapes me. I have found this to be a place where you can share your darkest thoughts, your pain, your remembrances and even every day kinds of things. Eileen, I wish I had advice to give but I have none. The best I have to offer is a shoulder to lean on. Susan, thanks for sharing pictures and, as always the point-on clips you find. I am in Wyoming this week helping my daughter move in to her house. Her husband's job moved them here. I hope it is the shortest move on record. Not sure how I will deal with her out here. We were supposed to all move together when he got his assignment but my husband and I cannot possibly handle the winter. The 8000 foot elevation is really doing us in now. We came inches away from him getting a spot in Charleston, SC. She used to be 2.5 hours away and now she is 16. Sure wish I knew why God has decided to take my family upside down and rattle us around. And here we sit watching that calendar tick away to the dreaded 1st year mark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Corkys Momma Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 I'm K's mom. Her real name was Caitlin, but she coined the name K when she was about 1 because she couldn't say Caitlin; therefore, named herself K. She was my second child. My first was stillborn. After a year of trying to have another child, my doctor recommended fertility meds and Caitlin was born on May 20, 1988. She was beautiful as a baby and grew into a beautiful woman. When she was 20, she had a beautiful son. When she was 22 (in 2011), she was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. The doctors told us she had 6 months, maybe 2 years at the most. She immediately started chemo and went through 4 rounds before her PET scan was clear. Then in October, 2014, I got a call from her father saying she was at the Cancer Center for, what was believed at the time, a tumor in her stomach. On November 3, the doctors removed a 10 lb tumor. When the doctor came to talk to us, he said "all I can say is amazing. When we started the surgery, I honestly thought we would just have to close her up, but the tumor practically peeled away and we also did a total hysterectomy since that seemed to be the origination point." I immediately filled with joy thinking the cancer had tricked itself. Six weeks later we went to the oncologist's office for the results of her CT scan and was told it was in her peritoneum. My daughter asked, so I don't have any tumors, and the doctor said "yes, your peritoneum is filled with cancer cells." I asked what the next step was and the doctor said chemo. In January my daughter started chemo. In March, my daughter couldn't keep anything on her stomach. She went to the ER and they sent her to the Cancer Center. This went on for two months. In April, her father called me and said "you'd better come up." My daughter lived one state away. So I packed and left immediately. When I got to the hospital, I was surprised to see my daughter so gaunt. They had an NG tube in her nose and she was unable to eat anything for fear it would stop up the NG tube. We asked for consult with the doctors. They planned on a "vent," which what I understood was a tube that would be placed in her stomach via PEG tube insertion which reduces intractable nausea and vomiting. She was prepped and sent to surgery. One hour later, the physician came back and said the surgery was unsuccessful due to bowel obstruction - tumors. A myriad of doctors came in and out for several days. We kept asking what the plan was and never could get a straight answer. Finally one week after she was admitted, one of her pervious surgeons came by. He asked to talk to me in private. He said, "you do know you're daughter is dying." I replied, "yes, she's starving to death. What are the doctors going to do?" He said, "no, you don't understand, there is nothing we can do. The tumors have cut off her bowel and stomach. She has Peritoneal carcinomatosis." I felt the world crashing in on me. He said, "I'm sorry, but I thought someone had to tell the parents what was going on." I was angry, I was devastated. Why were we not told! The doctor said, "she has probably been told." I immediately called her father to come back to the waiting area. We called her oncologist and a rep was sent. She confirmed what the surgeon had told us. K's father asked if someone was going to talk to our daughter to explain the process. She said she would the next day after consulting with the oncologist. When Caitlin's father and I returned to her room, she looked up at me and said "I'm going to die, aren't I mom." She was 26 years old. Every memory of 26 years flashed before my eyes. I started to cry. She said, "don't cry mom, please. It's OK." We spent the next few days preparing her to go to Hospice. She just wanted to go home with her husband. We convinced her that it would be best to go to her father's which was nearby. We had Hospice come to his home. He had remarried, but it was all OK. This was our daughter and I would not leave her side. Caitlin came to her dad's via ambulance on Thursday, May 14 weighing 90 lbs - from 160 lbs in January. I stayed in the bedroom with her all day Thursday and Thursday night. Friday she seemed worse. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, but when she lost control of her kidneys, I lost it. I picked her up and sobbed as her father changed her bed. I cleaned her up. She looked at me and said, "please mom, don't cry." I told her I loved her. She always slept with the TV on, so I laid on the bed next to hers and watched her go to sleep. At 3:30am Saturday, May 16, I woke to find the TV off and my daughter breathing erratically. I jumped out of bed and grabbed her. I said, "Caitlin, please look at me." Her eyes were unfocused and not blinking. I screamed for her father and he came rushing in. We held her until she passed away - four days before her 27th birthday. It's been five months. My pain is as great as it was that day. I've been to grief counseling but found no relief. I can't go back to church because I don't understand why God has taken both of my children. I'm sorry for the long post, I just felt I needed to get all this out. I have a wonderful husband and family, but honestly, I don't think they want to hear or see my pain, so I keep it all inside. I just want to see my daughter in a dream or have some kind of connection with her one more time. I'm so desparate that I've scheduled a meeting with a medium. Any advice is welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Corkys Momma Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Ks mom, first I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'll keep you in my prayers. IVe all so lost my son 7 wks ago. He was killed in car accident. He was 44. What I'm trying to say is my heart goes out to you. A parent should never experience what you're have.I ve only been on this journey for 7 wks. But the ones that have been on here , and have shared with me their loss. Have really helped me. I don't know your beliefs . but I know first one we want to blame is God. But please don't let your heart go there, God promised us we well see our children again. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I've also lost my mom, sister, and 2 brothers to cancer.before I lost my youngest son. Ii only had to sons.my oldest son is the one who sold the car to his brother. And my youngest son only had the car 3 months.I've been told what the state police officer s says happened. But I went to the seen. All I can share with you is my pain and prayers for you. God bless you and please know we're here for you. Corkys mommae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Corkys Momma Posted October 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Ks mom, first I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'll keep you in my prayers. IVe all so lost my son 7 wks ago. He was killed in car accident. He was 44. What I'm trying to say is my heart goes out to you. A parent should never experience what you're have.I ve only been on this journey for 7 wks. But the ones that have been on here , and have shared with me their loss. Have really helped me. I don't know your beliefs . but I know first one we want to blame is God. But please don't let your heart go there, God promised us we well see our children again. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I've also lost my mom, sister, and 2 brothers to cancer.before I lost my youngest son. Ii only had to sons.my oldest son is the one who sold the car to his brother. And my youngest son only had the car 3 months.I've been told what the state police officer s says happened. But I went to the seen. All I can share with you is my pain and prayers for you. God bless you and please know we're here for you. Corkys mommae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 First Eileen, I sure hope that someone here was able to give you a next step in your search for answers and a bit of justice. I hate that your Boy was left as he was and certainly someone should have to own up to this. The dark place you are in is a normal space for this abnormal time in your world. It gets so dark before we find a hint of light again, but we do and you will. K's momma, I am so sorry for the pain and the ache in your heart and spirit. What a sadness you have, it is palpable and it is a hole in your life/lives. Your K will leave you messages when you are able to best receive them, sometimes they are tiny subtle things, sometimes they are dreams which feel like visits and leave you feeling 'high' all day. Sometimes you feel the message in a song that comes on or a bird that sits by your window, sometimes you simply feel the presence of your loved one, as though she is standing there alongside you. I sometimes feel Erica from my scalp all the way down to my feet as a rush through my body...an electrical energy in side. Love that. My Girl died at the age of 19 when a train hit her car at a broken crossing. Such different circumstances and yet such similar ache. I promise you that you will not always feel as you do today. I promise you that one day you will grin and laugh again and you will be filled by the energy of K. What a terrible illness she had to face, and you and her Dad faced it with her. No matter the length of ones circle...their life is a full circle and they lived a full life. They will always matter, they will always be loved and they will always love us.Do you get to be near your Grandchild? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Dianne.....I have read posts on this site from other parents that are really struggling with their grief....and also...many hard situations....and it is normal to ask...'WHY'....I am sorry that you will have to endure a separation of many miles away from your daughter.....and I have to agree with you about the winters in Wyoming....me being a South Texas gal...I shudder to think how I would make it. I guess I would have to have a huge cellar and fill it up....so I could 'cocoon' the whole winter. If it freezes here it only lasts about 24 hours....we are strangers to snow and ice. And we are here for you as you face this 'countdown'....you will feel as if you are walking in 3 feet of mud...and it is physically painful....I know now how very, very important it is for you to be extremely gentle and kind to yourself at this place on the grief journey....do not expect too much of yourself or family or friends.....this is a good time to read books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross......they were a great comfort to me...and still are. You mentioned a while back that you didn't know what to do on that date....well....I think one doesn't have to do 'anything'.....not a thing. My other 5 adult children.....gave me much support....and helped form the theme of John David's Angelanniversary...and many of his friends. If I had been left to my wishes...alone....I would probably pass the day just trying to breathe and sitting in quiet trying to keep my balance. There simply is no right or wrong way to get through that day....whatever you think will give you and your husband and family comfort, grace and mercy. At this place on the grief journey...you still have the shock suit that fits very tight...you still have brain fog....and great exhaustion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hi K's Mom, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you. You and Caitlin brought back a lot of memories, when I last held my daughter in my arms. My daughter's name is Kylie whom we also sometimes call K, also lost her to cancer, at the age of 5 on a New Year's day in 2014. We understand how you deeply grieve. The grief that we feel is as deep as our love for our child. This place kept me sane specially on the first few days of loosing Kylie. I wish this place can help ease your pain. A support group helps a lot. To Susan, Erika's mom, Lora, - Saying hello to you. I had problems accessing the site. Tried again this time. Regards, Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 K's Mom....I think there has to be some very special Angels that hover around parents that have to stand vigil over a bed their child is in....slowly seeing that child slip away. Their strong love...strong arms...are helpless. When John David passed....I was in disbelief that my love for my child could not save him. For some reason...I always felt like I could 'kiss' away all hurt. I could always make 'it all ok'... We learn that we never had Super Human Control....we only had Super Human Love.Now we deal with the aftermath....we learn to deal with this kind of grief. One cannot even begin to know what this kind of grief is like...until your child passes from this earth home. None of us are professional counselors...therapists....we are just parents that come to this site to hold hands with parents who walk in the same shoes. My son died in August...and it was in December that I was looking something else up on the internet....and was 'guided' to this site....many parents on this site have been here for years....I call them our 'spirit guides'...they are farther up on the grief journey....and they wave to us.....and let us know we can survive this kind of grief. This kind of grief is very, very heavy....and dark....and grief is exhausting. I felt like I could not even breathe....the physical pain could knock me down to my knees. I did not have the energy or want to even drag a dead cat out of the house. I 'cocooned'.....I cancelled every civic, social and community event....I stopped going to my organizations I belonged to...and that was the best thing I could have done for myself. This is not the time to be stoic....do not expect too much of yourself or family ...there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. Please know that this kind of grief can impact one emotionally and physically..we tell parents to 'self care'....drink lots of fluids...fruit....and rest when you can. I ordered every book that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote....her words were a great comfort to me.I did not go to any grief counselors...for the simple reason....they did not know John David...and I knew they could not help me.....I do not have a circle of friends that has lost a child....that is why this site is so important to me. I need the friendship of parents that understand what I feel. They give me hope.... I decided early after losing John David that I would seek out a medium....and I am....I knew I had to wait until I had more clarity....and balance.....my 'brain fog' was very thick. The 'shock suit' fit very, very tight the first two years...but I think that is the bodies way of protecting us. I still plan to visit a medium. We have 6 children...a daughter then John David and his four younger brothers....I have lots of blessings...and 14 GRANDchildren....even with all those blessings....I have this deep...deep grief. I have been trying to learn to have a balance between Grief and Grace. I take it one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Susan, thanks for your advice and kind words. I think you really hit it with "walking in 3 feet of mud". That really is what this feels like. I thought I was doing (forgive me) as well as I could be expected. I still am in tears multiple times a day and sleeping and eating just aren't there much. But when I was working it gave me a daily focus. My last contract ended at the end of August and I now have too much time on my hands. I am looking for another but with my travel restrictions the search is long. the good news is I was able to help out my daughter with all of her move but the bad news is all I can think about is how things have just gotten caught in a whirlpool. Maybe like Francesca I can get back on track with a job, put that 1st year mark behind me, and do a better job of handling my new life. I know it will be hard to leave here to return home. I live just about 20 miles from Chicago so we always have their weather and winter is nothing to celebrate. But tonight in Laramie they are expecting heavy snow. With my joint issues (and age) I just have a hard time handling winter. But leaving my daughter and granddaughter will be another heart wrenching moment. I just hope I have the strength to make it through the next 37 days. If I had only known last year that Michael would have only 37 days left to live... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members silverkitties Posted October 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 I normally don't post in this section, but I wanted to share this fascinating article from the New York Times with all of you who are grieving for your sons and daughters. It's an article on presidents grieving for their children: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/22/health/parental-grief-has-often-been-a-factor-in-presidential-politics.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&module=b-lede-package-region®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=0 It seems everyone, even the ones who are supposed to be strongest, has felt derailed by the emotions--to say the very least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Dianne, if you only knew that Michael had a number of days left??? you would have lived in panic and worry and he would have not understood, his life and sequence could not have been prevented by you, we are not super heroes, though we are super strong. Anyone who lives one day beyond their Child is SUPER STRONG. And because we are still here, we do need to find our footing, find our purpose, find our direction though that comes in time. Time is that old abstract now, it haunts us and teases us and laughs at us sometimes too. Time happens whether we want it to or not, it moves forward sometimes so slowly it is maddening, and sometimes so quickly we want to put our foot down to slow it, the way we did with our old bicycles...but truly time is also the only entity that will see us through to find some light again. Nobody is on the same timeline as the next person in grief, we travel it differently and yet, hit all those benchmarks nevertheless. One year is a hard hard mark, but I will confess so is 2 and 3 and so on because that date will always mark the saddest time. I also however feel that it was for me a very holy time. The pure love that poured out for my Daughter when she lay dying for those 6 days in Kalamazoo was a deep blessing. The stories that I was privy to from her friends who gathered in the Trauma Center each day and night, the vigils, the ways I could feel Erica in the room with us while her broken body lay down the hall, no longer able to survive. There is holiness in July for me, a sad and mournful time as it marks another year, but holy. Having your Daughter and her Family move so far away is terribly hard, I am so sorry. We just don't get to know why we must deal with so many changes, we are holding your hands and your heart as you learn how to live with this one too. I would also have a problem with the altitude, it took me a week to adjust to 8000 ft. in New Mexico many years ago, felt winded all the time and just when my body adjusted, our vacation was over. I think that having a bunch of time on your hands makes it very hard too, especially this early on, too much time for your brain to keep the rewind button on of the actual time of your loss, but for some, it is the best way, to just let go of responsibilities of work, while others need to have something to focus on each day. Is working a must for your family? If not, would you be able to devote some time on a weekly basis to a local charity or outreach program?I want you to know that this is typically some of the hardest times as the days lead you to that date, we get it, just come here and shout and scream, we really get it. Cherry, it is so nice to see your lovely Daughter's photo today and I love the way you reached out to the other Momma of a K. How are you doing these days? I hope that you are well, that athe rest of the family is good and that you are finding some balance in this new world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Thanks Dee. Each day is a tough one. But there's no other choice but to remain strong and hold on to the hope that one day we will be reunited with our children. I can relate to K's mom, as am also a K's mom. And every detail of Kylie's last day, I can still remember. And how Susan said that if we can just kiss away the pain and hurt that our children had. My friends just let me withdraw out of this world. Allowed me to grieve. My husband gives more time to our baby boy Kenn. I can see Kenn in so many ways the same as her big sister. If only he knows how much her big sister loves him very much. Kenn is already 2 years old. Kylie went home to heaven when Kenn was only 5 months old. I'd show him his sister's pictures and teach him to how to speak her sister's name. Wish everyone here to find comfort in remembering more of the good memories. Although it would bring us tears sometimes. I need to remember because I never wanted to forget about her. Even if people would say, I have to move on. There's no such thing as replacement. I love Kenn so much. Yet Kylie is not replaceable just like what other people would tell me. Love lots, Mommy Cherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Cherry.....so good to hear from you....and thanks for giving us an update....it is such a slippery slope we travel when we are on this grief journey....and bringing a balance of owning our grief...and loving and caring for our other children...it is a knee jerk reaction to the heavy grief where we want to shut out the world...and how our family and friends react. Moving forward does not mean we 'move away from our grief or child'....nor does it mean 'closure'....I think some person in Hollywood made that up.....for in the real world of a grieving parent....there is never...ever....'moving on'.... Silverkittles....thank you for that article....death does not discriminate... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members silverkitties Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 You're welcome, Mermaid Tears. I found that article via another one on Biden deciding not to run for pres. Everything got delayed because of his grief....and I could understand that all too well. My book and article were both due around the time my mom passed last year, I just completed the article a few weeks ago (which got delayed again cos I got seriously depressed around the anniversary of her passing on Oct. 4). Good news this morning--they accepted it. Now I have to finish writing the the book by December. But grief definitely interferes. It's hard to think straight when there are triggers all around you. I know when I was working on the article I was bombarded by memories of my mom in the hospital room when I was reading and taking notes. Ditto the book. I've tried to tell myself "WHAT DOES WEALTH OF NATIONS HAVE TO DO WITH MOM?" But to no avail. These were all in addition to the other daily triggers....seeing things that remind me of when the days we were out shopping or doing things together. Or finding a receipt in the purse from the hospital cafe when we visited her. Or remembering her last days around the "angelversary." Sometimes even the weather can set me off. I can only guess what it's like losing a child, someone you've borne and raised for years. I remember reading the letters of Lord Chesterfield--the one who wrote volumes to his illegitimate son: there is a painful, 6-month silence after his 37-year-old son died when he wrote to absolutely no one, not even his godson. I do not have any kids of my own, but have had to suffer the loss of 2 cats, a friend, and most recently, my mom: a mother, mentor, best friend, teacher all rolled into one. ()n the last year, as I became her caretaker, she grew more childlike.) I don't want to imagine what it would be like losing an actual son or daughter tho'....it must hurt like crazy. I am wishing strength and peace to you and everyone here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 : http://on.wbir.com/1S0Exk9 This story is beyond sad....but I want to share....I remember when the floods hit and heard this tragic story....I can't wrap my mind around this man's grief....but there is a story of hope in this article....and we hang on to every story of hope with both hands. Silverkitties....I lost my Mom in 1995....and then I lost my Dad 8 months later....I was devastated...desolate for a long time...and also felt somewhat orphaned and lost....when I gained my balance...I found the footsteps they had left on this earth home for me to follow....I think all parents want their child to not only survive...but to thrive. Wishing you peace and healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Silverkitties, Thank you for the article about the Sons and Daughters of presidents...I knew of many but certainly not all. I love that Joe Biden has turned himself away from the Presidential Race, I was relieved when it was broadcast that he said, "NO".Just looking at him and knowing the toll all the losses have taken on his soul, I say live your years out now enjoying the Grandkids and the life outside of the stresses of Washington. He has served us all well, it is time for him to be Joe. Dark gray skies here, windy, damp. Prayers for those in the path of Hurricane Patricia and the torrential rains that follow. Susan, I heard big rains are coming your way, please be careful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Yes Susan, I remember in May when this happened and I cried thinking of the terrible grief this man and the town had to endure. Prayers and hope. The other day there was a death in Florida that shook me up. A young man hit a person on the road, killing him and appaarently he took photos of the young many he killed. The police never issued a ticket nor did they do any drug testing or breathalizer, (shades of Becky's story here) and a few hours later or maybe a day, the photos the boy took were allover facebook and twitter with the words, this is the guy I killed.WHAT? And the Momma had to hear from folks that this guy posted photos of her son's body with this. WHAT i repeat. Why would anyone do this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Cherry----good to see your precious little Kylie's smile I agree....sometimeswe just need to withdraw from everything for awhile, and it is wise friendsand relatives who will let you do this. Dee-----That is so unbelievable that some moron would post pics on facebook,of a person he just killed. It is just unfathomable----the evil that it takes to dosuch a depraved thing like that. There must to be a special place in hell reservedfor that evil guy. Nice day here today......50 degrees and sunny. The treecrew came and took down two overgrown trees, and trimmed a huge oak tree.Now the backyard looks a bit drab, and empty without those two trees. Oh well......it was long overdue. Frost finished off nearly all the flowers lastweek. Leaves galore all over the yard. Susan-----thanks for the screen shots. The ones you choose to post alwayshave a way of saying what is in our hearts. Dianne-----I'm sorry you are in such a dark place. May your memories ofyour dear son, bring some warmth to your heart. It is so difficult to eventhink of him, and say his name without terrible pain.....I know....I'm sorry.Please take care of yourself. Silverkitties-------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear mother. It is alwayshard to lose a parent, and for you.... she was also your best friend. I , so,agree that it is sad to lose pets. I lost a cat a few yrs. ago, and still miss her.Have a new one now. Pets are a great comfort for the grieving soul. My dad died 21 yrs. ago, and my mom is in her 90's, in a nursinghome, and doing poorly in hospice. Sending thoughts & prayers to you, friend. PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Silverkitties, that article really spoke the truth, especially acknowledging the differences on how bereaved parents handle the child death going forward. There is no real road map for this kind of grief, it plays out how it does I guess . Thank you for sharing and for your consideration of us here. Dee, that is terrible and disgusting. I really think that there needs to be some revision to the laws that govern responsible driving and conduct after accidents. Too often those we elect for state govt are just off "living a lifestyle" instead of reviewing state statutes and updating them accordingly to the rules we need for society. (Where I worked previously at a high level health institution, saw too many political figures and their staff come through with that attitude). Also, one of the "star witnesses" against my son---during the course of the trial when his testimony came out it was obvious he felt responsible at some level for "setting up the accident" hence his rabid accusations of making up stories of the bat-out-of-hell driving against Jesse. (This old man was driving too slow and made Jesse pass him seconds before the collision) Lesson here is sometimes a "witness" may not be a "witness" but someone who needs to cover their own tracks for one reason or another. Sherry, good to see your post... have to read more...more later.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted October 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2015 Dee that's what happened to James. One of the witnesses started to video James dying on the road. The police did nothing to him either. We've never seen the video but it's out there somewhere. Made me so sick when we found out. I've been reading daily to keep me going. I'm finding life so tough like all on this site most days I can beardy breath and put one foot in fronof the other but I'm still here thanks to you all. I had to have my 13 year old dog put to sleep last night she became very ill over the last few days but didn't want to give up. I miss her she was very vocal always talking to us it's so quiet. I am doing The Great South Run tomorrow in memory of James. It's only 5k I running with my youngest daughter. We're raising money for the Charity " Road Peace" I put the link up a while back. We raised £2,250 so far. My older daughter, her husband, James friends and Cousins are all Running on Sunday that race is 16k there all wearing Tshirts with a picture of James and a saying he used to say to everyone"don't Sweat the Small Stuff" on them all I'll put a picture up tomorrow. This is my sweet dog I hope she's in Haeven with James having a run around a field with him. They were so close when he was here. God Bkess to all. Thinking of the newbies and praying you receive the support you so need here Georgina XXKIZZY.... affectionate, beautiful, devoted, gentle, good-natured, gorgeous, always ready to please A wonderful, happy, lovable, and trustworthy friend so very loyal, and kindhearted, very vocal loved her Food xx The best dog ever !With James now I shall Miss You My baby girl. Mum xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members silverkitties Posted October 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 Good evening Mermaid Tears, Ericasmom, DaveyDow1, and Jesse David's Mom. My first thought when I heard about the passing of Joe Biden's son was it's going to be next to impossible to run, even if his son wanted him to go ahead and do so. After all, he had already survived another tragedy when his first wife and daughter died years ago. It must truly horrific to go through it all over again. Grieving is never easy or predictable. For me, it ended up being even harder than I anticipated. Yet, when it's the person you've loved most throughout your life, I suppose it's not very surprising; even though I know I'm supposed to outlive her, that she lived a good 82 years, and that she deterioated in the last 7 months of her life. Mermaid Tears, I do so agree that "Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique." And as you've said earlier, it doesn't really matter how long the child has lived: we are all attached to the ones we love. And no one has any business dictating how long grief should last. Ericasmom, it's interesting that you now feel July to be imbued with a sense of holiness...I felt the same way at the beginning of October, although I'm still not really feeling the bliss yet. (Coincidentally, my mom died on Yom Kippur last year: how fitting, I thought, even though I'm not Jewish.) And yet, in some ways it's so appropriate....the trees in CT were especially beautiful last year with the vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows as if marking her passing . Btw, I agree with you, DaveyDow, and Jesse David's mom about responsible driving. I live in close proximity to a high school and you would not believe how people race down this residential street at over 40+ mph, even if it is a main street. There are school signs everywhere and yet no one cares: worse yet are the aholes who use their phones while "cruising." I always feel like I'm taking my life into my hands when I cross the street. Disgusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted October 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 Eileen, It is so sad to read how your boy was left to die, so callous .....sometimes I feel nothing but hate for such evil people .....my Michael was left to die by his girlfriend.....the detective & prosecutor are of little help......I hope you have better success...K's mom, I'm so very sorry about the loss of your precious daughter.....your story is heart wrenching........we all feel your pain here....the unbearable grief is well known to all on this site.....I too plan to connect with a medium at some point.....it's been 13 months for me tomorrow ......the grief is heavy and unending at times.....you mention your daughter had a son, he must be 7 years old....I hope you are able to see him often ....please tell us about your daughter and your grandson.....Well, my last day with my current job is November 20th , just 4 more weeks in Indiana & then I will be back home in Wisconsin to be with family & my precious Michael.....we've already moved lots of our furniture but we still have so much to do.... I don't have to worry about rushing & getting everything out, I still have to prep the house for sale.....just want to be sure I have what I need to start work...I wonder why I'm still having a hard time dreaming about Michael....I want to see him so badly but it doesn't happen....my younger son Chris dreams of his brother every night....one of his last dreams was so vivid ....he said that he asked Mike if he could touch him & he did...he said it felt real that he actually could feel his brother....he wakes up and is confused ..not sure if he's awake or still sleeping & dreaming ....he misses his brother so much...it's heartbreaking....Susan you mention that the first 2 years were still so painful with a scale of 10 for extreme pain....I'm still there ..in extreme pain...falling to my knees , still begging God to give me my boy back .. Just to hold one more time...I never got to say goodbye.....Mike didn't know he was going to die.....my son wanted to live....sometimes I feel that the pain should never go away ....Tired....going to bedPeace & love to allFrancesca Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 A proud Nonnie..(that is my GRANDmother name) moment.... my GRANDson, Austin got this message yesterday....he is a Sr. at University of Texas....only 10 were chosen for this...his Mama...my daughter has a degree in Journalism....when he was young...I told him I wanted him to write like Somerset Maugham.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2015 Georgina....we so understand the 'other kind of grief' when we have to say good bye to our pets.....we have Cowgirl...John David's dog.....Daniel says she is the smartest dog we have ever had....she is now 13....and getting very stiff in her hips/back legs....we are now taking her for shots every week....and dog food that cost $85.00 a bag....to tell the truth...I don't know how I will handle my husband when she goes....he is so attached to her now ...I will just take it one day at a time... Laurie...I so agree....your elected officials should/could look at other states on new laws that need to be passed for the good of humanity....and their states....for law abiding citizens....we seem to be in a foot race with technology...and we are losing. Many cities in Texas has passed laws forbidding using cell phones while driving...I don't know why Texas can't pass that law for the whole state..... America is still a Car Society....I remind Daniel of that fact when he rides his Harley...people don't look for motorcycles. Right now...he flew to Phoenix...to meet our son, Jason, who was there for a business seminar...they rented Harley's at this place in Scottsdale and plan to ride north to Utah..in the mountains.... of course...my reaction is to say 'don't do it'...but....I have never been one to tell my loved ones 'what and how' to do anything...if they are following what they want to do in heart and spirit. I know I don't want anyone to tell me 'what I can or can't do'.....I am very independent...and allow my loved ones to be also... but....I do have my heart in my hand when they ride... Dee.....it is raining now....and we have lots coming....I have loved ones all over...going to Baton Rouge...San Antonio...Austin....Houston...and I just wish they would stay put..... We seem to develop a 'Morbid' mindset......the 'WHAT IF' cloud is over our shoulder 24/7......if I let it get entrenched and gallop with my fear that 'something can happen'......my anxiety goes off the charts.....and I have to talk myself off the ledge....sirens have a different sound now.....I guess that will be a part of my DNA forever.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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