Loss of an Adult Child

[bkscher72]

Good afternoon everyone. Sorry I seem to be here so infrequent. Just life and kids keep me busy. I continue to read posts and such and I do want everyone to know I feel your sorrows and give you my deepest sympathies and support. Since I am new here I'd like to get to know everyone. If you are up for it and don't mind let's chat one on one so I can hear what brought you to this site since I have come in late under stably. I totally understand if you do not want to do this and I also completely respect that. Doesn't mean I'll stop sharing and such. And as it is as I'm writing this Ian is clucking for something so off I go. Take care and enjoy the 4th.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

Laurie....John David sent this to me....

 

Gretchen....I read your posts about your son-in-law....beyond sad....how many layers of grief can one carry...?

 

I am thinking of you and your SONshine boy....I know your family and friends will circle you with love...and everyone will be carrying their own precious memories....all of us are saying layers of prayers for you....

 

Laurie...how did the court date go ?

 

We all have those days when the sun cannot shine....I call them..'when all the boogie men come out of the closet'....it is just a fact of the human heart....when it can't carry all that sadness....it must fall down and rest.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

bks, we just post whatever is on our hearts here...usually someone will catch it and give a response....it is a combination of just talk (even the raw stuff), posting meaningful grief pieces, sharing our children, so it is an easy format....just post when you need to....

 

...I usually light a prayer candle for the forum...your boy, Ian, is included in that, hugs....

 

Susan, court date went okay...one more short day in Sept. and if all keeps going forward the jury trial in Sept.

[tobyfreefoot]

thank you everyone for thinking of me. it was a horrible mud bog. some people showed regardless. it was raining when i left. i was feeling really sad.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I've been having problems signing in all sorted now but felt so desperate when I could sign in. It's my lifeline.

I went to a meeting in London with Roadpeace the charity I told you about they a had a key note speaker there an Irish lady who'd lost her son in an RTA with an HGV her son was blaimed for the accident but she fought for six years to prove otherwise. Laurie ,she had a reconstruction like you, he hit her son head on at 8 in the morning but it turned out that the driver had most probably fallen asleep at the wheel as he'd been driving all night.

She was so kind and helpful to us gave me lots of I idears and help to pursue. She told me to be prepared to carry out the investigation by myself if I want the truth and a hearing in court.I felt a little flutter of hope when I left.

I'm so scared because my husband and I are apart I think it's because we're in so much pain and stress were just not able to get on. We're in different places in our journey.

I hope you got my message Gretchen from Wade. I'm praying for you and your family.

Sherry Dee Laural Wadw Laurie and Diane Thankyou for your thoughts and support.

I will keep you all in my prayers tonight God Bless Georgina xx

[bkscher72]

Gretchen, thanks for sharing the pictures. No matter how wet and how muddy it gets nothing will tear you away. That's amazing to see. What has helped you these past four years if I may ask? That's the part I'm dreading when it happens.

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina....do you mean your husband and you have 'separated'...emotionally and physically ?....

that is common when dealing with a child death...

 

but...if....IF.....you can just ride it out a little longer...

then the family doesn't have to deal with the loss and grief...and then separation of family....give it a little longer..unless you are dealing with physical abuse...

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, the photo of your Grandgirl in the mudpuddle says it all...gathering in honor of Uncle Forest...So dear. I am so sorry for your feelings of sadness, I am with you as you find your way.

 

Georgina, I am sorry that you and husband are on separate pages at this time, it is more common than not when a Child dies, no two people grieve the same way or in the same stages, the stages are not a linear thing, we bounce back and forth...and many men grieve differently than women, I am hoping that you both have time to grieve in the way that is best for your spirits right now. I am glad that you felt some hope after meeting with others who have lost a Child, it is sometimes in that piece of hope that we find more oxygen for the next steps.

[wgreenlee]

Out in the middle of Cook Inlet right now. Haven't had any time to check in. Sorry about missing special days. Goergina is having trouble signing in and wanted you to know, Gretchen, that she thought of you and Forest. Me too! Yesterday was hard, especially being apart from Renea. We talked alot though. She visited Brooks for me. Brooks' friend, Danny, is now living with us. He is using Brooks' room and he and Renea made it all nice for him. I know that was hard on both of them, but it looks good. Danny is really looking for a new start in life. He is tired of how drugs have controlled him. I hope being with us will make a difference. He has a graveyard job and that's good so he can use our car. I miss my boy more than ever when I am up here, but I have good people with me. Makes all the difference. Asked for some new memories on FB and Brooks' friends and even a few teachers responded. That was good for me. Well, we're looking for 'jumpers'...salmon that jump out of the water so we have a better idea of where their 'friends' are. Take care and much love sent to all of you!

[bkscher72]

Gretchen

I just realized this morning and had to look again to confirm, that you said this past weekend was very rough and hard for you.  As I said I just realized we share something in common.  I know we all on here do because of why we are here, but I wanted to share with you that my sons real decline with his disease began July 4th weekend 2009 and July 4th weekend 2012 we received a true diagnosis.  So I will always have you and Forest on the forefront of my thoughts every year July 4th weekend knowing when you lost him.  HUGS.

 

Brian

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen...I, too, think the photo of your GRANDdaughter against the stone speaks volumes to parents that are walking the same grief journey...it touched my heart in every spot....

 

Remember the 50th Wedding celebration I went to....well....when we returned from Port 'A'....he passed on July 2....the funeral is today....so I have also been with the family...and having little get togethers with other friends for Jeremy...he left yesterday....I felt the wind blowing through me all day....he is just doing so great....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Brian, I saw that you posted late last night. What a beautiful picture of you with your son.

 

I have had two child losses, one infant and one adult. My mom has had two child losses, one infant and one adult. After my older sister passed in 2002, my younger sister came down with a potentially life ending condition as well (8 days after my older sisters funeral her condition was discovered). My younger sister has stabilized in her condition, but still lives with a lot of medical care and medicines.

 

After posting in the grief forums for almost the entire time that my son, Jesse, has transitioned, I can say how different people seem to grieve even with similar loss types. I think it depends on your personality type, relationship with the child, how much loss one has had previously, and your views on spirituality. One can prepare in the practical manner for this transition, but how does one prepare the heart?

 

Even with all of the lead up of knowing there is going to be a loss, it is so much different than the actual moment. Only love and gentleness, and a touch of heaven in that moment can transcend it. Prayers for you, your family, and your beloved Ian...

 

Hugs.

**********************************

Here is a letter I received from one of Jesse's best friends mom, it brought a lot of comfort to me, just click the links to view:

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/gallery/sizes/1791-letter-about-jesse-page-1/large/

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/gallery/sizes/1792-letter-about-jesse-page-2/large/

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/gallery/sizes/1793-letter-about-jesse-page-3/large/

[bkscher72]

Laurie:
Thank you for your as usual very kind words.  Unfortunately that picture of Ian and myself is quite old, long before he really started with the major issues and had the trache and vent.  But it is one of my favorite pictures that I know I will cherish forever and a day.  Im so so sorry to hear about all the trials and tribulations you and your family has had to endure.  You mention spirituality and Im sure you can agree some that it is very hard to believe and have faith and such when things like this happen to people who are so innocent and have so much life left to live.  But its all a plan from the day you are born I suppose.  Im Jewish and we have a belief that the day you are born, your name is written down in the book of life and everything is set forth for you.  Even with that belief, it is hard to have faith for a G-d that would allow something like this to happen.  Yes I have cursed G-d, ranted and raved, screamed and yelled, punched and hit and anything else you can think of over the years.  My hatred for what is happening to Ian will never go away, some days are easier than others of course.  One thing that has helped us come to terms with his eventual passing is that we have made all funeral arrangements.  This way not only are our wishes taken care of, Ians wishes are taken care of as well.  This way also our parents dont have to worry about what we would want and such.  I completely lost my train of thought because I got a call here at work. So guess that means Ill stop right here for now, lol. 

 

Brian

[TearsInHeaven]

Laurie- What a beautiful letter and no wonder it gave such great comfort! Beautiful words surround the life of your son.

 

Georgina- I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband.This grief journey is a horrible road that we travel.

 

Brian- a beautiful picture of you and your son.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Brian, thank you for sharing. When Jesse very first transitioned, I borrowed some of the mourning practices found in the Shiva. I found I needed some of the structure and in today's culture of a "hurry up" mentality, I appreciated the formal recognition of a mourning period that this rich ancient tradition recognized. I also bought a prayer shawl from Isreal that I used for a period of time. At his immediate passing, I had someone with me that had prayer oil we used for annointment for releasement and prayer.

 

As far as anger, I too still find that a strong part of my mourning cycle.... I have found seasoned grief counselors recognized methods for release of anger, instead of the "stuff it" approach. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and others had specific release methods they recommended. Myself, I done my fair amount of screaming too...fortunately, I live in the country with no close neighbors except deer and my occasional bear visitor.

 

*******************************************************

 

Georgina, I hope that you may find some assistance with this organization, Roadpeace. Today, I dropped off the hard copy of the accident report that my reconstructionist produced at the District Attorney's office. It may not change the outcome from that day but rather there is a record of the true events of that day, which to me and to my son, is important. How I live from this day forward, is just a little bit at a time.

 

Dianne, thank you for the words about my son's letter from his friend's mother. She worded everything in such a manner that meant so much.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Article on Child Mourning:

 

The Passing of a Child

 

It is very difficult for someone who has not suffered the loss of a child to comprehend the total devastation that a bereaved parent feels, especially in the early weeks and months.

 

Some friends and relatives will feel so unable to communicate with you that they will stay away. The desertion may be temporary, and it may be long-term. If you feel strongly about a particular individual's absence from your life that you want to reach out, do so. But always keep in mind that your own well-being must come first.

 

(Note: I have lost many friends, it seems like once they found out this mourning was long-term or deeper than they thought, they bailed. Some forum members here have had a lot of support from friends, co-workers and family, I think it makes it easier.)

 

Suggested Guideposts

 

1. Do those things that give you peace of mind; not necessarily what others suggest or pressure you to do. ( I have had a lot of "helpful" suggestions/demands made to me along the way that were useless or when not followed, somehow I failed their standard. And most likely, they would not follow it themselves in reality).

 

2. Surround yourself with people who understand and make you feel comfortable; who know they can't fix things; who are compassionate; and who don't try to take your grief away from you.

 

3. Tell those who care about you what you need in order to survive (they do not automatically know); and accept the fact that not all relatives and old friends will be able to provide what you need at this time (so you may have to give some of them up).

 

4. Give yourself permission to do what you feel like doing, as long as you harm no one: cry alone, pray, scream, cry with others, withdraw, express anger, meditate, cry some more.

 

5. Grieve when and how you want to, rather than on someone else's timetable.

 

6. Do things at your own pace, in accordance with your own feelings, and therefore accept the idea that you may not be able to accomplish everything you used to--at least for now, though perhaps long-term as well.

 

7. Maintain open communication with your spouse and children, recognizing that we each grieve differently.

 

8. Look out for your own needs first; this is one time of life when selfishness is really okay.

[daveydow1]

Laural-----I agree, stories can be a comfort to recall, and when we hear

the stories of others who understand, then those words can also give

us hope and inspiration. No one can take our memories away from us. Peace to you.

 

 

 

FOREST........FOREST.......FOREST.......ANGEL  IN  HEAVEN.

 

Gretchen-----Wishing you comfort at this time....FOREST's  ANGEL DAY.....July  3

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[bkscher72]

Laurie, I couldnt agree more with what you said about friends and relatives not understanding some and distancing themselves.  For years, my wife and I keep telling our "friends", to me they are all acquaintences more since we never see anyone that they are never a bother.  So many have told us they dont call or come over because they feel they will be in the way.  Well thats the only way we will have adult interaction, is to come over.  We dont really take Ian out of the house and when we do its for special occassions which are few and far between.  As far as family, there are some that come over regularly, such as my in laws (UGH) and those that never really visit such as my parents.  Even though my parents live in Florida, I have stressed to them time and time again they need to come up more often to spend time with Ian because once he passes away thats it and they will regret not having that time.  But I cant control what they do.  I have to look out for my family and myself.  I know it will be very hard after because we will have to reaclimate ourselves to the outside world and Im sure we will have these feelings of people looking at us like we are strange, just they way they did when we walked around with a double stroller when the kids were born.  But of course no one is really looking at us that way.  One of the most frustrating things is when others try to give advice on how to handle things.  Also, people asking how we do it and that we are super people or something.  Well guess what, we really arent.  We are just parents taking care of our sick child as well as our healthy child.  Of course people will say how do you do it but trust me, anyone put in this situation will do the exact same things we do day in and day out without question.  And Im sure Id say the same thing to them, how do you do it. 

 

Anyway enough rambling.  Thanks for providing that list of hints on how to handle things.  Very helpful. 

 

Brian

[Mermaid Tears]

Yesterday...I attended the service at the church....but....I decided against going to the graveside services....but then went to the gathering....of course...I had Randa, George and all the GRANDchildren...except Austin...but was struck with the foreign feeling of being in a crowd ....was so familiar before I lost John David....my 'cocooning' was the best thing I did for myself I realized....I can handle a large group of people again...so many were so happy to see me....I got so many hugs...and of course....I stayed close...close to Mary Ann...(the wife)....I knew she needed me for support....emotional...all her children are amazing....they will not fail their Mama....the silver lining was so many of John David's friends were there....I think they needed to see me...talk to me....I heard some new 'John David' stories....

   You know the stories your kids will relate about what they did when they were young...when they are adults....can't get into trouble then...they are safe....and raising kids of their own...

   My boy is not forgotten....my boy is remembered....my boy is thought of....

I have been insanely busy....I am taking this day to recharge my batteries...have lots of loose strings to tie together...and bask in all the remembrances...

   I know that Mary Ann is going to need me for a long, long time....she and I are so much alike in many ways...same age..her parents were so much like mine....her 2nd daughter had a crush on John David for years....she understands my grief for she knows my children like I know hers...

   

Laurie....you have talked about your anger....I think anger when used right is a catalyst....for some reason...I have never had any grief anger....but...who knows ? It could come up later....

[ericasmom]

Thank you again Laurie for your wonderful supply of resources...you have a very giving heart, and Jesse inherited that from you it seems. I loved the letter that your friend sent you, that is gift for sure and shows once again, Jesse will not be forgotten. He causes smiles still and always will.

 

And to Susan, no John David will not be forgotten either and your being in the midst of those remembering was good for your sweet spirit. I know that your friend is lucky to have you near during her time of grief, and I am glad that quite by accident, you found you could be in a crowd again.

Rest now and be kind to yourself.

 

Sherry how goes it? Mom doing okay right now? We had some very hot weather and then some rain but nothing excessive so that is good. The garden is trying its hardest along with my husband's nurturing, to come back and show itself. It is very pretty right now...except for our two story Magnolia which is gorgeous each spring...the last few years battling Scale, a disease that can take it down and destroys the garden (all perenials) underneath..,it drips its 'honeydew' onto the ground or plants causing them all to turn black. It is ugly and this rainy season has made it worse than every before. We have had it treated several times over the years, but this time it may be too  much. How are the kids?

 

Kate how are you? I am thinking of the nice days you are hopefully having with time at the bench on your walks.

 

ALASKA man, so good to hear from you and know that you are in our daily thoughts. We miss you but are hoping that the activities aboard the ship are creating a space in which to find joy.

[InHeavensKeeping]

We have now learnt that the driver had a Bluetooth phone. We are trying to get copies of his telephone records for that day. He said he wasn't using this the police didn't check the records just believed him. I don't know what's going on any more Why was everyone so against James ? It just seems that way.

Thank you all for your words of support. We have been through so much together over the years. Like you Laurie we also lost baby Peter he was born a year after James. I just think we are so exhusted and grief stricken our minds are full of thoughts of James that we have no space for each other. I feel distant I can't help it I just hope we can survive this.

Thank you Wade for putting up my message.

Laurie what an amazing letter so heartfelt. Thank you for the resources there so helpful.

My school is holding a memorial service for James next week. They are going to plant a tree on the school grounds in his memory it's going to very hard, but so nice of them to do this for me. We have a small chapel on the grounds which holds 70 people where they will hold the service.

Very tired now. God Bless GEORGINA xxx

[daveydow1]

Georgina----Oh, how very exasperating & disappointing that the police would just 

take the driver's word that he was not using his cell phone.  that info should have

been checked out right away.  I did not know that you had also lost a baby boy,

Peter, a year after James was born.  You and I have this in common....as I lost my

baby girl, Lisa...(at the age of 6 mo.)....then David was born a year later.  We have

this sad fact in common.....both losing a baby, and an adult child. There are others

here who have had the same heartache.  The memorial service for James will be

such a fitting tribute.  I know that it will be difficult, but will help to have him honored

in this way.   Wishing you peace & comfort.

 

Dee----My mom is holding her own right now. How is your nephew coming along?

Sorry that your magnolia tree has disease that causes the dripping, and may end up

killing it, and other of your lovely plantings underneath.  Is there anything that can be done to help save it?

Our black-eyed susans have some sort of a fungus or blight.....black curling leaves,

and very few stunted flowers. My husband said that he noticed a large group of

black-eyed susans at the golf course near the clubhouse, and that they looked

just like ours.....blackened leaves, and stunted growth.  I guess that it may be

caused by the excessive rain we've had. Our honeysuckle vine is doing very well, though.  

 

Susan-----It must have been so uplifting to be at the gathering and have John David's

friends greet you and give you some John David stories.....treasures to keep.  Indeed......

your boy is not forgotten.

 

Brian-----I, so, hope that your family and friends will come and visit your family, and dear

Ian.  Sometimes people just do shy away from our sadness, I guess.  Wishing peace

and comfort to you & your family.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like you had a full day attending the services. I am sure your friend, Mary Ann, will appreciate the support in the upcoming weeks and after that. Also, as much as you gave comfort it sounds like you recieved: the reminder and gift that John David still is in their hearts.

 

Sherry, good to see your post. We did not put in a garden this year. I am just too worn down. Did you decide to put one in? I know we will miss the fresh vegetables though. Also, how is your mom doing? (Just saw your answer that got posted...

 

Wade, hope the fishing trip goes well. Jesse had talked about going on one of those fishing boats like you are doing....Hope all goes well for the young man you and Renea are assisting...

 

Dee, thinking of you as the angelversary of Erica is coming up...it is kind of a time warp thing with this kind of loss...
how are the grandkids doing? I have both my granddaughter here today, (she is 5). Benton is a little over 2 and of course stays with us most of the time (about 95%)...is much more to manage with the two of them here...Thanks for the comment on the letter...it is a treasure...

 

Georgina, do you need to hire an attorney for the records from the phone company or is this something you can do yourself? I think that is is always easier to blame the one who cannot speak for themselves...

 

Brian, one of the first thoughts and feelings that came to me shortly after Jesse transitioned was this need to shout from the mountaintops, "My Son Lived"...it was overpowering that need. I feel that it is important that recognition, that our child lived, he/she mattered...he/she is significant. To have others truly "SEE" from their inner  heart our child...from all those various stages thoughout their lives...infant, toddler, young child...I am sorry that others find it difficult to be able to support your family...I have come to think it is their own fear of their own mortality...and also witnessing people in pain....Have you found anybody from your local synagogue to be of help?

 

Kate, wondering how things are up there? 

[Mermaid Tears]

As always....we come together....

Sherry, Dee and Laurie....as you all have responded to the gathering....and yes...it did my heart and soul so much good to have people saying 'his name' in such a normal...loving way....there was no hesitance....just a  place and way that they could say his 'name' ....and I am sure they all saw me in a safe and inviting place...and they knew they could talk about him in a way that was normal....and that I was 'ok' with that....

in other words....they felt like I was in a welcoming way....

am sure that was the most important venue for them....to feel it was 'ok' to talk of and about him...

   more later...

Wade....thank you for sharing with all of us....will post a photo of Jeremy that looks like Brooks...

Georgina....justice is not easy for our children...is it? We are here for you....

[bkscher72]

Georgina - Just as Sherry said I am completely shocked at how the police would take the word of the driver that caused the accident saying he wasnt on the phone.  Maybe its just me watching too many crime show types things on tv and thinking that is one of the first things to do to investigate would be to include any and ALL circumstances that couldve caused the accident.  From issues with the car, the driver being intoxicated or on the phone, etc.  Its very sad to hear such a thing and just NOW its being looked at.  I really hope the records prove otherwise.  But either way just get the justice and peace for you, James and your family. 

 

Kate - we have talked with our rabbis at the synagogue and they have provided some spiritual advice and support and are always there for anything we may need.  however, im looking for the personal support.  from those such as you all on here.  a place to come and talk about my fears and all that is going on.  to listen to other peoples stories, what happened, how they coped at the time and how they continue to cope on a daily basis.  unfortunately no matter how much we look in the area and try to find groups, there really dont seem to be many. 

 

Dee - my thoughts and support go out to you as Ericas day approaches.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...our 'Spirit Guide'......you have been a touchstone for me....thank you....

 

Laurie talked of the time warp we find ourselves in when we have a loss of a child...and it is so hard to understand and explain...

 

we find ourselves in a forever 'Before and After'.....we go back and forth...up and down....grief is exhausting but the mental gymnastics of our minds is what wears us down emotionally.....this kind of grief wears us down physically....

 

going into this 3rd year.....the 'shock suit' has fallen to the floor....I now know...this is the way it is going to be forever....and at times I feel raw and transparent....we did not have a choice in this....and thus we feel we have no control...

This Is It.

 

We come to a crossroads on this journey and we can either become bitter or better. That is the choice we DO have.

How we do that is a very individual journey.....but in that we can share with each other is a gift and grace.

 

 

I am also learning to be 'who' I am now....there were so many times I said...'Gee...I miss Me'....for I was changing...but did not quite know how to understand it all....I am still evolving..

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Susan, "going into this 3rd year.....the 'shock suit' has fallen to the floor....I now know...this is the way it is going to be forever....and at times I feel raw and transparent....we did not have a choice in this....and thus we feel we have no control...

This Is It."

 

Yes, Susan, I guess that is where I am too...

 

...This is it...

 

It is brutal reality.

 

Thanks for the screenshots.

 

*****************************

 

Brian, (that was my posting about the synagogue) I was not able to find any resources in my area such as a face-to-face bereavement group...I did find some support from my church but that did not last very long...too much talk and criticism of our (my husband and myself) actions for pursuing justice...as we are in a criminal trial brought about by the state against the girl for negligent driving (she had a long history of drug use and bad behavior...tried to blame my son for the accident which our accident reconstructionist disproved...spent $5000 for the report...but I would do it again in a heartbeat.)

 

...And it was just easier to come online and post here. And I am not sure if I could have stood a face-to-face group...don't know why...

 

I do post with the thought in mind that perhaps in some small way, it will give others knowledge as to what they may face...it was from here I learned what to expect from having to face a criminal trial and it prepared me somewhat for the emotional fallout.

 

From reading posts of others sometimes they put into words what is rolling around in my mind but what I seem to be unable to capture....also, it does help to some degree to know what you are experiencing is also shared by others...that you are not alone in those feelings and struggles....

 

A saying I found for this grief journey from another bereaved parent was that "everything helped a little, nothing helped a lot".

 

True for me.

**********************************************************

 

Article from Huffington Post from the perspective of a sibling on losing her brother:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amanda-wormann/7-life-changing-lessons-when-my-brother-died_b_7544566.html?utm_hp_ref=good-news&ir=Good%20News

 

Now that this has all happened and my brother is gone, I feel like I have to be "superkid." Like now I have to be the best and do everything to make up for what he could have done. I feel like I'm my parent's last hope, and I'm just the leftover kid. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I have to take care of them. Did you ever go through that? I have so much to live up to, and I don't think I can do it.

 

I never meant to become any sort of expert in sibling loss. That's not a path anyone would willingly choose for themselves. But I've had a few conversations similar to this one with my friend Chelsea when she reached out to me a couple of years ago after her brother died. While all of our experiences are different, there's just not enough out there to help us make sense of life after our siblings.

 

Back in high school, I remember standing in the funeral home at my friend's wake. After hugging his mom and sister, I stood there thinking to myself, how will they live through this?

 

A few years later, I learned the hard way. I was living on the other side of the world when I got a phone call from my mom on Mother's Day telling me that my brother Warren died. He was only 24. It was unexpected, tragic, and I was all alone. I couldn't get a flight out of Tokyo until the next day and in those grueling, confusing and lonely moments I realized that the truth is, you just do. You just live through it.

 

In the days and years that followed it was a crash course in living life without my brother. I quickly learned that there were no books, no articles, no nothing. Nothing that could help me learn how to cope, know how to feel, or what to expect. No one really talked about the "leftover kid."

 

The truth is, when my brother first passed away I felt like it was all about my parents. Often I found myself and others focusing on the sadness and grief that my mom and dad must have been feeling. Sibling grief wasn't a thing, or at least that's what Google and the self-help section of the bookstore told me at the time. I was so wrong.

 

Our brothers and sisters are the first real relationships we have outside of our parents. He was my big brother -- my first friend and the first person I learned to play with, share with, and laugh with. He was the first person who picked on me, fought with me and taught me forgiveness. A life without him was never in sight. And I think that's the hardest thing to get over.

 

It's been 10 years now, and I learned a lot during those years. Ten years is a pretty long haul for someone who never thought they'd make it past day one as a freshly deemed 21-year-old only child. Since then I've been lucky enough to develop beautiful friendships with dear friends who also lost their siblings. They feel pretty lost and alone sometimes too. Why doesn't anyone talk about this?

 

Somehow I made it this far. Maybe not easily, perhaps not always graciously, but I am here. And if you're reading this, you are here too. It's my hope that these lessons I've learned can help you in your darkest days to find the silver lining. Even if it's just a small glimmering glimpse of hope, you can find comfort knowing that those we love continue to be our life's teacher long after they're gone.

 

1. You don't have to be the superkid.

 

For some reason or another, especially in the beginning, you feel like you have to take on everything and suddenly save the world. Your world is your family. And if you're like me, your immediate family is now just you and your parents. So in your mind, you have to save your parents.

 

Wait -- what?

 

Let me tell you right now: You can't save anyone. They are living and breathing just like you and I. There is no saving. There is only being. The biggest thing you could do for them is to be you, live and be present. Do the things that make you feel alive. Find happiness and help others. That's what they hope to pass on to you, and that's the fire in you. The best thing you can be will always be you.

 

2. Parents are human.

 

We spend our whole lives putting our parents on a pedestal, these are magical beings that have raised us after all. But as we get older and go through our own hardships, we come to see our parents as human. It's because they are. And in the same way that we need to knock off being so hard on ourselves, we have to become okay with the fact that our parents are human, too.

 

Coping with losing a child is something I hope I never experience in my lifetime, and when I look back on what my parents went through I remember all of the ups and downs of it all. There were times I could see they were grieving and coping in their own way, then grieving together, and now being stronger than I've seen them in years. I think losing a child can make or break a marriage, and I'm so grateful that my parents have pushed through all of this and have gained a deeper respect for each other in the process. They are my strength, my rock, and my inspiration.

 

3. Life goes on.

 

Sometimes it feels tragic to think about, but life really does go on. It's hard to imagine life without the people we love and how wrong it is that he or she will not be on the sidelines cheering for you as you move through life.

 

My brother didn't get to see me graduate college. He never knew the career I built for myself. He'll never be at my wedding or see me have kids. I'll never be Aunt Amanda to his children. He'll never be there to comfort me when the day comes that I have to say goodbye to my parents. This choose-your-own-adventure of missed milestones can be heartbreakingly overwhelming at times. But life does go on.

 

I have friends that never knew him. I have a boyfriend who never met him. I've lived in one of the world's biggest cities; I've lived in a teeny tiny cabin in the woods. I wonder what he'd be like, what he'd be doing, where he'd be living. I wonder what he'd think of me. I carry this sense of wonder with me in everything I do, but it's my way of keeping him with me while living a life I know he'd be proud of.

 

4. There is no such thing as closure.

 

The empty chair will always be there. In our family, we are reminded of it every time we have dinner at the kitchen table and every time the three of us go out to dinner and get seated at a table for four. Something and someone is always missing. But now I look at that chair and think to myself all I've learned, all I've gained, and how far we've all come. You will always be stronger than you think.

 

5. Be vulnerable and live your truth. We need each other.

 

In a time where we are carefully curating our life one filter at a time, it's easy to forgo our authentic self for the one we think the world wants to see. But it's our true authentic self who can make a real connection and impact others. That's the stuff that matters.

 

Being vulnerable is scary, sure. But want to know what's scarier? Sacrificing our story for the doubters and critics. We are our experiences, and every piece of us was born from something that happened to us along the way. Tucking away the gifts we have to share in exchange for a false self is no way to live. The best relationships I've developed were cultivated in openness, sharing the good, the bad and the ugly. This vulnerability makes us human and reminds us that we are not alone in our journey. We all have a story to share.

 

6. Make time for the people who matter.

 

Every one of us has the same 24 hours in a day, the same seven days a week, the same 365 days a year. It's up to us how we spend this currency of our lives. We can either feel sorry for ourselves or feel grateful for all the people in our life. We can keep feeding quarters into the meter of our false selves or spend it on the things that matter. The people that love you love you. They love the real you, the you you've always been, the you that you're continuously improving, and the you that you will become. Spend your time wisely.

 

7. Anything can happen. Anything happens all of the time.

 

Life is short, life is scary, and life is beautiful. Through loss, we are shown first hand how short it truly is -- how all of it can go away in a split second. Perhaps the greatest gift and struggle I've dealt with is knowing that and wanting to live every second. It's beautiful and paralyzing all at the same time. Sometimes this gift of knowing how delicate life is can start to feel too real. It makes you feel stuck, anxious, and scared of losing everyone you love.

 

In my relationships, sometimes it has made me hold on too tight and worry too much. Afraid to pick up the phone at times, fearful of bad news on the other end. I've even found myself trying to beat this game of life, to somehow solve it all and keep the people I love around me forever.

 

But in the midst of all of that, there are so many incredible surprises in store for all of us. Every morning we wake up is a gift, every step we take outside, every breath we take, every smile we share with a stranger, every time we catch up with an old friend. Beauty is all around us.

 

Vulnerability, kindness, and sharing our story is so necessary. Being you is the best gift you can give to yourself and the people you love, and as time goes on, you'll realize that the superness was inside of you all along.

 

Amanda Wormann is a Freelance Digital Marketing Consultant and Writer living in Waterbury, VT. She believes in family first and trusts that every experience has shaped her compass.

[Hopeful12]

Sending prayers for your peace. God bless you.

[shorty16]

My friends,

I have been reading and really enjoyed the letter from the sibling.

On Monday, we put Copper, Brian's dog to sleep. He was 14 years old and arthritis deformed his joints. Copper's pain medication became stronger next stronger. It was time.

Copper was 7 when Brian died. Copper looked for Brian for months after...it was heartbreaking. Copper lived half his life without his best friend.

Now our Copper went over the Rainbow bridge. I can hear Brian calling Copper's name. This is just really hard. Brian's birthday is Sunday.

All dogs go to heaven.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[TearsInHeaven]

Colleen- so sorry to hear of the loss of Copper. You can rest assured that he ran to Brian's open and welcoming arms and their spirits reunited.

 

Laurie- the article about loss of a sibling was so eye opening.  I have tried to "help" (and I use that term very loosely) my daughter but I do believe words such as these will go further with her own grief.

 

I have felt that coming on this site was such a help -- a help to know that there was someone to listen--- a help to know that there were those who were experiencing  the type of pain and trauma  that I was experiencing--- a help to have those who were further along this road offering insight, comfort, and support as you navigate through this frightening horror.  Susan, your thoughts of before and after were amazingly close to my theory of THEN and NOW.  Your inspirational sayings you always post have been something I needed.  Dee- your unique way to say all the right things  by sharing your perspectives on this road have been a comfort through many demon attacks for me.  You have left me with visuals to draw from in the dark hours.  Laurie, your kindness and thoughtfulness have been like an arm around my shoulder. Wade, you are the most genuinely kind person I have ever "not met" but feel like you have been a friend for years.  Gretchen, Sherry,Shannon,Laural you are such givers of kindness.Georgina, Eileen, our starts on this horrid road were so close together we share a bond. For others I may have missed please know that every comment, thought and prayer towards all of us is something to help make the next day, hour or even minute a little less unbearable.

 

Brian, this kind group will surround you and your family and give you some strength to face what you are facing and what lies ahead. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen...I so understand....we have John David's dog...Cowgirl....and she is now 12 and becoming very stiff...and her hind legs are dragging somewhat...not all the time...just signs of her becoming old...

 

 

I have a lot to share about dealing with our other children and their grief....

what I have learned...

John David is not the only child I love....he is the only child that died.

 

 

 

More later....as always....so grateful for sharing your research with all of us Laurie...

many of us on this site are facing the 3 year mark full face...

[LauraI]

Aloha everyone,

 

  Sending love and blessings to you all.  Colleen, prayers to you and your family.  Know that Copper is with Brian, and they are both watching over you.  Susan, thinking of you as well as everyone else here.  Having a rough time right now myself.  In addition to losing one son, my oldest son had a cardiac arrest last year January.  Fortunately, he survived after being rescusitated about 18 times.  He had to have a defribillator put in then, and it hasn't gone off until today.  His cardiologist stated it was just as strong as the incident that first brought him into the hospital.  Thank God the defribillator did what it was supposed to do.  Now, he's waiting to hear from his doctor about having his mitral valve repaired within the next week or so.  Emotions running a little high for me.  All we can do is think positive, pray and cherish our loved ones.

 

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

I was at work today clearing out a bag I kept at school from the previous school year and I found a little note book in there. I looked inside and James had written a note to me and one to his dad. It was such a shock. Just really loving words to us I didn't realise he'd put it in my school bag. He always sent me lovely messages and I was saying the day before how I missed his texted. It had to be James trying like only he could to reach out to us . I miss him so much.

Sherry I'm sorry I thought everyone knew about baby Peter. I just hope and pray, like I'm sure you do, that they are now together forever.

Laurie we are trying to get an attorney to help us but it's so hard. Unless they see they can make a lot of money they are not interested. Justice and right or wrong don't come into it.

Dianne I agree with what you say about the love,care and support that is freely given here with such love compassion and insight.

Brian I know I too cannot believe that this is the case but as many on this site can say we are the ones that have to fight and push for justice for our children. It's not enough that we are in the depths of grief we have to cope with all this on top. Just so hard.

Colleen so sorry Bout Copper xx

I cannot believe that James has been gone for 10 months this Saturday

I send all my love and hugs to you all

God Bless

Georgina xx

[Mermaid Tears]

Georgina....finding those little notes....how those small things become sacred things to parents....

and we find that when we are traveling this grief journey...we have another way of 'seeing'....

for me....the exhaustion of grief really slowed me down...and brought me to a standstill....many, many times on my knees.

I was sitting in some kind of classroom...learning a new language...learning a new way of living and breathing and being. One lesson is I see the miracle of how those small things are really the big things.

 

 

Laural.....after losing one child....all of us have heart constrictions with the 'what if'....I have to confess....I have a problem with that....how can we help but have that fear....that 'what if' for our other child or children ? Am very happy that your son can have surgery to correct his heart valve.

   Before John David passed....Daniel ..(my husband)...had every kind of heart tests done...(some more than once..because one of our son's is a Dr. and he ordered some done again)....all they found was his cholesterol was a tiny bit high....

   Then....9 months after we lost John David....he was undergoing open heart quadruple by pass surgery. He was very, very angry over the loss...he seethed with anger....his grief went inward...his anger festered.

   I mentioned the other day that I have not had any grief anger....maybe it is because he was angry enough for both of us.

    But that is proof that grief can hurt us physically and emotionally....

[bkscher72]

Georgina, I just read your post and even I got a chill.  Creepy, in a good way, how one minute you sit there and think something like you said you miss texts from James and then BAM you find that notebook with a little message from him.  Before Ian really and I mean REALLY took a turn for the worse I used to say things were just coincidence.  I dont believe that any longer.  I am now a firm believer things happen for a reason at specific times.  I believe I said when I first joined here, in the jewish faith, we pretty much believe that day you are born G-d writes your name in the book of life and knows when he will take you to be with him.  Until that time there may be coincidences but when it comes to huge things, like what happened with you, those arent coincidences. 

 

Reason I believe that now is because, as again I probably said before, Ian really started to show his true disease July 4th weekend in 2009 and we received the true diagnosis 3 years later in 2012 July 4th weekend.  When the kids came home from the hospital after being in the NICU for 3 weeks, Becca came home Mothers Day weekend May 10 and Ian came home May 11, 2003 (Mothers day).  The house we bought back in 2006, this one i think is the scariest and really made me start to believe, Ian was perfectly "healthy" in his way but our neighbor across the street is a Repiratory Therapist.  With Ians disease, the biggest concern that will eventually take him on is respiratory.  How freaky is that.  One more coincidence that I will mention is the kids B'Nei Mitzvah (bar and bat mitzvahs together) is next year, May 8.  Not only again is it Mothers Day weekend but the kids Hebrew birthday.

 

Colleen, it saddens me about Copper.  I feel the same about our pup Joey.  She is 17 and dragging ass, lol.  We have thoughts that one will go right before the other, Joey or Ian.  Really hope not because that would really devastate us but perhaps a good thing so they can go together and not be apart and help each other adjust. 

 

Laurie again a damn shame lawyers, at least most, are in it for the money.  There are the few ones that actually do seem to care.  Years ago we hired a special needs attorney to help us get some services for Ian while he was in school.  He seemed to truly care about helping us and he did help us.  But only we can truly advocate and fight for our kids, its us against the world.

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina: how good it was that when you needed a lift that you found that notebook.....that James is still present, surrounded by love...

 

Brian Ian's Dad: I came to understand that these are "meaningful coincidences" or synchronicities. It was not in my belief system at the time of Jesse's transition, but as I looked into why certain very pronounced events occurred that year, this was the term I found. I knew that there was a probable "exit point" coming up and so did my son, Jesse.

 

This has prompted me to do realistic research on end-of-life events, and to look to those who are "in the shadow of death" for an understanding of what happened. Actually, I am very driven to so. Some of what I and Jesse were experiencing in that year I found when talking with others -- who willing to share their sacred events -- that these things happened to them as well. I now proceed with a very different viewpoint of this temporary reality and the next.

 

What divine providence was present for your family when that home was purchased. May you feel Yahweh's guiding presence over these next difficult steps. Hugs.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

More later...thinking of everyone here today...especially of those approaching angelversary dates...

[ericasmom]

Hi All, I have been reading but quiet, not my usual chatty self. On the 3rd of July, 2003, ERica came over from Kalamazoo to hang out with her Oak Park friends and go see the fireworks. SHe had dinner with us prior to going. Our last dinner together. On the 6th of July I begin my sense of Holy Week. It was 12 years ago on the 6th that Erica surprised us with a visit with two friends we hadn't met before, from Kalamazoo. She was so excited to show them where she lived and we pored over photos and I was delighted to hear her stories from the photos, her take on the captured moments. We went to the garden where we hared a cup of coffee she and I , and she boasted about the plants that we nurtured, and I snapped three photos, that was all the film I had left. Three photos of Erica and Heather and Sarah, three friends having a great day. I felt so lucky to have this surprise visit. I walked she and her friends to her Dad's house three blocks away and she gave me a big hug and that was the last time I saw her as her, as the lively funny girl of my heart.

The 8th, just two days later, she was struck by a train just 30 minutes after we spoke on the phone, where we laughed and said I LOVE YOU before hanging up. I felt so good to hear the happy in her voice.

So this is my Holy Week, she was struck on the 8th and died on the 14th, and the magic and loss and the holy that came from it all surrounds me. I will share more later on.

 

I know that certain events were set in place, for those of you new here, I had three horrible nightmares in April and May of 2003, each time, something going to get Erica, but I could not see what. Then the 4th nightmare found me in a church at the alter saying, " this is not why parents have children, to bury them while young...NOOOOO, and when I awoke it was from my screams and I was out of the bed and my husband was trying to help me. My girl was gone a mere two months later.

 

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina--i love reading these special moments and know how much it must have touched your heart.

 

dee--pink for eri--i think what i just read was the most complete picture i have had of the tragic events of that fateful july. i am so sorry. it felt so much like my own. though my son died at the site it just has that overall feel of summer and love and freedom and liveliness and slam...so devastating such a wrong thing to happen in summer...ashlie's daddy posted that song "i never dreamed you'd leave in summer" you and i thought they would go then come back home...hugs and more hugs to get you through the week.

 

once again i am sorry i am so absent but now hospice is with my husband's mother. he is a ninja detatcher. in the middle of crisis he is offering coffee and trying  to get you to listen to some song on a record. the worse it is the more detatched he becomes.  i have to say he did manage to keep it in check well enough when forest died to not completely insult us all with his seemingly total insensitivity and disinterest. that said he is having a hard time with this.  his mother comes across pretty uncaring about everything and everyone too but since her husband died bobby has had lunch with her several times a week and they have become much closer. as close as two people that don't seem to have much feelings for people can i guess. (btw he does care about me though and it shows all over) bobby's motto is "you meet people, you move on" anyway he spent a little time sobbing in my arms today which finally seems like a human response.  i always feel like bobby and his mom don't care about anyone enough to feel sad. he was pretty sad over my dad dying but in general he just goes on, no obvious sadness.

 

it is weird, all my life i've cried at everything and now i cry at nothing. it is like forest's death coated me with shellac and everything just rolls off. like i said before about no automatic reactions anymore. i feel removed from everything.  it comes to me and then i have a somewhat measured response, like i am watching myself react. the day that officer told me and i lie screaming on the floor "it's not true, it's not true" i remember thinking--so this is how i react to hearing my child died. i knew it was true and i heard myself screaming over and over but there was this still calm other me inside observing it all. it has pretty much been that way ever since. my mother also has told me since forest died she has a lot of times that she feels like her soul is separate from her self. that she realizes this is a vehicle she is traveling in and not really her.  i'm guessing she is having basically the same weird experience i'm having. anyway that old me is never coming back.  even my boss recently said "you've changed since your son died. i can see it.  i remember when you use to cry over things, even things at work. you aren't like that anymore."

 

ah well i guess it's true "when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" -- h.s. thompson

 

brian--i think you were wondering how we go on.  you will find your way. it will suck totally i'm afraid. it isn't easy even now. it does get easier though but i understand what i was told by dee early on that i didn't get at the time--it becomes part of who you are.  i resisted that so long.  i thought i was going to get better, that my old fun crazed personality would come back full bloom again, it is not going to. i am just now figuring this out.  the grief and weight of it has become part of who i am. not that i'm consciously thinking about it all the time it has just fundamentally changed me. i didn't want to be changed but that it turns out is the price of love,  here is a poem i wrote recently. i never write poetry but i just woke up and wrote it down then dressed for work and left. seemed strange but it says exactly what it feels like to me now. btw this does not mean i never have fun it just isn't the carefree thing anymore, i watch myself choose the response even then. it is like i had to become a grown up over night.

 

I stagger under its weight,

this anvil of love,

tethered to my heart.

I set it down.

My arms ache from its burden.

I rest upon it.

It holds me up.

I try to move forward.

It pulls me back.

I never wanted it,

But I will never give it up.

My dance steps are shortened by my new partner.

Sometimes crushed beneath it,

I crawl out and drag it with me.

Slowed by my onus,

I try to accept that I will never run again.

I never wanted it,

But I will never give it up,

This anvil of love,

tethered to my heart,

My dead son.

 

love and enjoy your son as much as you can.  all these days and memories will sustain you through the rest. i have found the thing that helps me most is being around people that loved my son and aren't afraid to mention his name.  so many people avoid talking about him like it is going to remind me or make me sad. i always remember and i am sad but those people that talk about my son keep him ever present with us and that makes me feel happy. talking about him in a normal way makes it feel like he just didn't come to the event that day.

 

enough rambling on-now a bunch of misc pics

me making bubbles for lyra

pop bottles and unfinished stained glass to use on fence to separate us from hellatious neighbors and the start of the first frame

the flooding never stops--my newly repaired driveway yesterday lol

crazy toadstool after the rain

 

 

 

 

[LauraI]

Sending positive thoughts and hugs for all.  Trying to keep positive thoughts myself, in keeping my family and friends in God's light.

[daveydow1]

Colleen----I'm sorry that you had to have "Copper" put to sleep, but I know

how it is......the pets reach a certain age or condition, and it is "time'. We

had to have our 15 yr.-old cat, Brownie, put to sleep. She was about 8 yrs.

old when David died, and she would go all through the house looking for

him...meowing softly, like she was forlorn.  David slept in the downstairs

bedroom, so Brownie would always sleep downstairs. After Dave died,

she would not sleep downstairs anymore.....choosing to sleep upstairs

 where the rest of the family slept.  It was a sad day for us when she had

to go. "Copper" is now with his best friend, your dear Brian.

 I agree.....all dogs & cats go to heaven over the Rainbow Bridge.

 

Dee-----Thinking of you and sending prayers as the days lead up to ERi's

Angel  Day.

 

Brian---Thank you for your kind words.  Peace & comfort to your family.

 

Georgina----I agree with you....that James and baby Peter are together

forever,  and David & baby Lisa too..........together forever in heaven.

 

Laurie----We did do a garden, but there's been too much rain.  It remains

to be seen how some of the veggies will develop. Yes, gardens require a

lot of work, and sometimes we're just not up to it. It's my husband's hobby,

so he takes care of most of it.  I've been busy picking the raspberries....they're

about finished now...left some for the birds     My mom is holding her

own....thank you for asking.  I, too, agree with you regarding face-to-face

bereavement groups. My daughter and I went to one at her church, and

I couldn't say a word.....just sat and listened to others speak.  My daughter

didn't speak either.....maybe it was just too soon.  Later on, I came to this

site, and found it to be helpful, comfortable, and a good 'fit' for myself.

There are some great groups out there, where comfort & understanding

can be found.

Everyone must do what is most comfortable & helpful for them.

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[ericasmom]

Yes Gretchen, it was total and absolute devastation. While driving to the hospital, we still did not know that it was a train that hit Erica's car, we were told by who we later found out was the Chaplain, that she was in an accident and that we needed to come to Michigan. I told the person on the phone that they had to have it wrong, that I had just talked to Erica a half hour ago, but in that moment, like you, I knew what she was saying to me was true and I knew what those nightmares were saying to me too, I threw the phone to my husband and flew up the stairs knowing I had to pack a bag but could not for the life of me figure what should go in it. My toothbrush, my vitamins, two pair of underwear and that was all I could do because I was already building a nest of shock inside my soul. We had a two and a half hour drive to get to ERi. I remember calling her Dad and asking him if he wanted to drive with us, I didn't want him alone under stress, but Michael was a very private person and was not able to share this trip. We met there, in Kalamazoo, under the saddest time of our lives.

 

Colleen, your sweet Copper is running with his Boy, back to his Boy and Brian back with his companion.

 

Sherry, thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you and Georgina and Laurie, and all others like Trudi... that first light helping your Sweet Children cross over was their sibling who went before them.

 

Brian, I pat you on the back as you learn our stories and we learn yours, what a brave heart you have. Ian must be very proud of his family for helping him live his best life while knowing that he cannot get well. I love the dates and the connections as they do lead your story in that full circle.

 

I received a card soon after Eri died that had a lovely phrase on it; All living things on Earth live a full circle, no matter the time of their circle, long or short, it is a full circle, a full life.

[InHeavensKeeping]

It's a day of such conflicts today 10 months 48wks and 2 days. As I write this I can't stop thinking James would still be here now. I feel sick. I want to change it. We're just about to leave for the site where he died. We always go on this anniversary.

But also its my nieces wedding day. We have been in such torment about going. My daughters wanted us too be there I know they want us to take part in like we still go to the grave everyday and they worry about us. I always keep what Susan said a long time ago that "we have other living children too" I am really guided by that in a lot of decisions I make within the family.

So here we go off to where we lost one of the best parts of us and I can honestly say for me Most of my heart

Have a good day and Gid Bless Georgina xx

[rlolheiser]

well my friends.. I have been in here reading and crying and praying with you all.  I haven't been able to respond.. I have just been so overly tired and nothing comes to my mind ..   but it is over... as of 2 am mountain time my mama passed away.  Even though you know it is going to happen it still hurts so much.  Over the last weeks she has hit me, screamed at me..  fought me.. ignored me, but through it all I know she loved me.  I did everything I could do and she got to pass at home, away from the hospital, away from the fear of a nursing home. 

 

Losing mom is so not like losing our children, except I am reminded that they are somebody's children.  I know today she kept crying for her mama.. and it hurt my soul. 

 

I went into mom's room almost every hour..  I had last gone in around quarter to one.. and she was sleeping..  I laid down and drifted..  and began to wake up about 1:30 am...    (I did lots of little naps during the night cause that was her most active time(  I kept telling myself to get up.. and just gazed at the tv...   Pretty soon I heard a most beautiful sound.. reminded me of angel music.. whatever that is.. I can't describe it..  I went to her room and she was gone...  The angels came and got her.. I like to think that dad and JaBoa picked her up...  I know she saw a lot of them the past few days..wish I could have.

 

Coming on here I saw Dee's post  "all living things on Earth live a full circle no matter the time of their circle, long or short its a full circle, a full life

Thanks for that one.. I needed it..

 

Love to all..  my eyes are heavy as my heart..  God Bless all the Angels and their mamas and daddys

[Mermaid Tears]

Leah....

   'And the Lord came with strong arms and took her in the night'.....

 

You are wrapped in our hearts today....we know you must feel empty and exhausted...but full in all the right parts because you left no stone unturned....for all you did for your Mama and her last days on this earth home...

   We also know you will feel as if the wind is blowing through you at times....for your arms have been full of the care of her...and now...it will seem as if you have nothing to care for....but....you do.....and it is YOU.

     I was pondering the kind of grief I had when I lost my parents and trying to compare it to the loss and grief I have in losing my John David....it is hard to grasp the differences....I know I cried out to them so many times...'Mama and Daddy..I lost my little boy'....and wish so hard they would be here to comfort me.....but then....I would think....I was glad they did not have to suffer that with me....

    I will stay with my belief that our loved ones do not pass alone....Elisabeth Kubler - Ross...had a concrete belief that loved ones were there for them....I will hold to that with both hands...

    Wishing you peace and comfort and healing in the days ahead.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

Dee.....I can only have hope that we can be the touchstone for you....as you have been for everyone on this site...all the days....and the years....reaching us with your compassion...touching us with your understanding of that dark and heavy grief...

     and sending out those life jackets of 'hope' ....keeping us afloat when we are simply drowning in this despair....you knowing we feel as if we will perish under all that black sorrow....but you are waving to us....letting us know we can survive...you understanding that we will fall back...fall down....but you are not letting go of our hands and hearts...

 

We learn of 'our children' on this site...we absorb them into our circle...and now...I feel as if I am a part of your journey...counting and remembering those last days...

    I am holding you and your girl close to me....

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen...your poem really touched me...and spoke for many...

and I feel the same...in that I will carry this grief for the gift and miracle of having that child with me on this earth home...

 

I have said so many times...'I Miss Me'.....

 

I was so shattered.....now I am at this 3 year marker and I find a 'part' of myself on this journey....a little part here....a little part there....

     like trying to reconstruct.. my persona.....unless I find all those shattered parts....I will never be the total person I once was...

[shorty16]

JaBoa's Mom, so sorry for the death of your mom. As we know, our parents are suppose to die before us...not the other way around. Your Mom is now cradled in the arms of her parents, because all strife is gone.

Georgina, 10 months is not long after that terrible day. It has been 7 years for me. At 10 months, I was still begging God to take me and return Brian. My emotions and loathing for the driver (one of Brian's best friends) for driving so fast with my son and another boy on the hood of the car. I was a mess.

Please be kind to yourself. What I have learned is even if I show my face for 1 minute, people appreciate what a huge effort that is. i too have other living children. Michelle (17 when Brian died) a and Aaron (14 at the time). I tried so hard to let them know they are important also. Everything takes energy now. Hang in there my friend. The grief changes over time and makes life livable again.

Sherry, putting Copper down was such an agonizing decision. Today, I gathers Coppers things (less the colar and a few toys) and donated them to our local humane society. I also filled out a volunteer form. I want to be a kitty-cuddler. What every they need, I will do with a smile on my face and Copper and Brian, forever in my heart.

Love

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am happy for your Momma, she saw her loved JaBoa and her Momma too, and they helped her cross to that place where she can be free of pain and bodily restrictions. She is free. I know your heart will need to find its new place in you, holding yet more grief but also more love. You will need to rest and restore yourself even in the midst of so many needing you to do for them. You now need to do for you. I am holding you close as the grief begins and moves through your days.

 

Dianne, I thank you for your kind words.

 

Gretchen, the poem you wrote tells me that you are a poet, creating a beautiful rhythmic sound with words that touch us all. Had you posted this once before or am I dreaming?

 

Georgina, sometimes we have to make choices that upset our family or friends when we are deeply grieving. We have to do what is in our capacity to do, and one day, but it takes more time, you will feel able to make decisions without animosity.

 

Susan, even when we find all of our pieces we are never the same configuration as before, we have had to make room in us for all that is needed now, a big storage of memories that we carry all the time, and the grief takes up its own space right next to your heart, which is also made bigger after it shattered, bigger to hold all that life has shown you in the way of love. We find ways to integrate and change to accommodate to these changes, and when we do, we find ourselves walking a bit more confidently...secure in who and what we carry and secure in who we have become.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I so share your description of the change...we become. This 3 year marker has a lot of landmines on this journey...am sure you know what I mean.

 

 

 

Georgina....I was 'led' to this site one night when I was looking something else up on the internet....now I am sure I was 'guided'....at that time I had this huge instinct to 'cocoon'....but being the daughter, granddaughter, niece of some very strong women in my family that handed me the duty and responsibilities of 'what I should do...in and for my family, community and organizations'....I simply did not know how to 'drop out'....

   It was Dee that gave me my 'permission'....and to follow my instinct....and let me know it was for my own sanity and mental health that I should follow what I felt was in my best interest.

   It is normal when you have this kind of grief to simply say..'No, not at this time, Thank you'....and you do not have to offer a reason or apology.

    I did not drop out of my family.

I did decide not to go to two family funerals...but I did cancel every civic and social event/meeting/commitment.

   I will let you know it does take a lot of inner energy to work up a 'celebration mood'....we had a 'new little man' born 5 months after losing John David...and I kept the holiday traditions....birthday celebrations...for we have our other children that so need that.