Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

What a joy to see so many wonderful faces and spirits glowing forth. And thanks Laurie for reposting Wade's lovely gift, the video. Thank you again Wade for putting together the images of our Beloved Children with the great soundtrack to their lives.

 

Kathy, I never commented I don't think, to your post a few weeks ago, my goodness Tavian looks great. So grown up. I am happy that you have found a home to live in that you like. I wish you a very good summer.

 

Prayers for my Sister and her Boy Matt, his addiction taking on an ever-increasing noise in their lives. My sis is afraid to leave the house for fear of returning to find him further ensconced in the world of heroin. Matthew has crashed two cars in a month. He lies, he steals from loved ones, he cannot own up to the sadness he is causing nor the depression he has...he is causing my sister to suffer from huge anxiety and she is nearing a nervous break. I love my nephew, but i do wish that my Sis and her husband could turn him out and tell him to find his way. He is 26. I don't know that I would have been able to do what I am suggesting, but I do not think that anyone could help Matt now, except Matt. If he admits his issues and will go to residential rehab, maybe then, but the cost is so high and his lack of taking any responsibility for anything that has gone bad...well it is just a crap-shoot.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....what heartsick for you and yours...it is like watching a loved one fall off a cliff in slow motion...and not be able to save them....

 

Laurie...if I can't (emotionally) watch the video that Wade created...can I still see it on your site ?? I don't know why it is so emotionally hard for me to watch videos...unless I am in a very stable and balanced place....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

Here are the photos from 'Pibby's 12th Beach Birthday Party.....when I was 12 my Mom, Grama and Aunts let me plan my party...it is a rite of passage in our family...I let Randa and we let Tay when they were 12....making many lists of who to invite, invitations, menu, party favors...and decorations..she even picked out the cake she wanted..she and I poured over catalogs and she helped with the ordering...we shopped in town....she planned on what/how she wanted to decorate...I stayed in the background giving support and some advice...and then Randa and I helped her decorate...we shall let her plan her future parties/get togethers...that way....when she is a young adult...entertaining will not intimidate her for small or large gatherings...I think she did a super job...and gee...everyone had fun....she chose Beach Totes filled with Surf Board, Flip Flop and Beach Ball suckers for party favors and we also took pictures of her with each guest and printed them and gave each girl a photo of her and Pibby....it was her idea to have a 'Photo Shoot' complete with Photo Shoot Props...the girls loved getting that personal photo....

    My Barefoot Contessa fountain is still the Star of my backyard....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

There are a 'few' I thought of when I read this....

you know 'who' you are.....

[Jeff's Mom]

SUSAN, I JUST LOVE YOUR PARTY PHOTOS! THE PICTURE OF THE GIRLS GATHERED AROUND HER CAKE SHOWS A SPARKLE IN HER EYE. SHE WAS  DEFINITELY HAVING THE TIME OF HER LIFE! YOUR YARD LOOKS AMAZING. GREAT JOB WITH THE DECORATIONS.

 

THANKS FOR POSTING THE ABOVE. HOW TRUE!

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

Thank you, Kate....this is the other party favorite....Pink Flamingo Drink Holders....Pibby and a friend came over the week-end before the party and had the first swim of the season...and they blew up all the flamingos...the girls loved that little pool toy...

[Jeff's Mom]

Gosh, I headed out for a short walk and then came back to see I had forgotten to log off.  C'est la vie.

 

Susan, that was a powerful amount of blowing up! They look awesome. Oh, to be twelve again.

 

Dee, I am so sorry that your family is struggling with this issue. They are in my thoughts and prayers. It is so difficult to have to watch as someone slips away from your safety net. Sending "HUGS". You certainly deserve all the support that you can get. Kate

 

The mosquitoes are horrendous. They came out in full force today after the rain on Saturday. Honestly, this is nuts. What next.  Better not say that. You never know.

 

Love to all, wishes for a peaceful day.

[tobyfreefoot]

wade laurie thanks so much. thought i could get through without crying. not there yet  

[wgreenlee]

For anyone who want to create an album on Indigo...

 

Here's directions on uploading and attaching pictures:

 

Creating a picture album:

 

1)  click on your profile picture

2)  click on "edit my profile"

3)  click on the "gallery" word next to your "settings"...NOT the gallery at the top of the screen (this one gets you to all the galleries made by members...although I like to look through them and make comments to let others know someone is seeing their pictures)

4)  click on "create a new album"

5)  click on "create new album"...then name it and determine the other options

 

Directions to add pictures to this album when you are on this posting page:

 

1)  click on your profile picture

2)  click on "gallery" below your profile picture...again NOT the one at the top of the page

3)  click on the new album you just made

4)  click on "upload"

5)  click on "choose files"

6)  find the file on your computer where you have your pictures and select them

7)  click on "review and publish"

8)  title, tag it (I use Brooks' name), and write a description if you want

9)  click on "finish and publish"

 

Your pictures are now in the album:

 

Attaching pictures in your post:

 

1)  click on "my media"...next to the smiley face

2)  click on "gallery images"

3)  click on the picture(s) you want attached and then "finished"...your picture will show up wherever your cursor was on this post...

 

then post whenever you are done with your post...lost of steps but easy....

 

Or you can send them to my email and will be happy to post them for you.

 

This is one of Brooks' best friends and she and her sister visit him every week.  Many times I've gone there and seen them listening to music and dancing with him, just like always.  These are the times that keep me going...knowing his essence is still with his friends and they REMEMBER him.

[wgreenlee]

"I want to see my family...my wife and child are waiting for me." 

 

Part of song from Iron and Wine, "Love Vigilantes," that I just listened to...shampooing my brother-in-law's carpet in Vegas...and tears start flowing.  Such a little thing to bring about so much emotion, but I will be ok...we will all be ok.  Tears are memories and I know they cleanse me...it is part of grief-work and it is ok.

 

As David said in the Bible..."I will go to him."

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...am so sorry you lost the 'change'....only certain ones know how sacred those small things are to a parent that carries this kind of grief....the ticket stub...the Drivers License...the message on the phone...the taco papers on the bottom floor of a truck...the stickers on the mirror...the first grade card...

priceless....

we hold on to the hold on....

 

I could not watch the video for I had a gathering on Sunday evening....and now...Pibby is at her 7th grade Cheer Camp...and my daughter brought her and two others to shower before they go to the place where they will spend the night and work on their skit....

    I sorta have to 'stay cute'....so I could not have a breakdown crying fit...I have had to be front row and center for over a week...with end of school activities...with my older twins, too...

 

Austin is going in for surgery tomorrow to get his tonsils out...in College Station....I am staying here for Pibby...(just in case she needs anything)....but he will be home around 3 tomorrow....so...now we won't have anymore of those dreaded sore throats that has been troubling him...

 

I was reminded of that song I think by the Gaitlin Bros. called..'I Don't Want to Cry This Early This Morning'....

 

thank you for the videos...I will leave it to you to create them...or my GRANDchildren...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Wade for the directions. I too echo what Susan said, sorry that the coins were lost. I know that the tangible things are difficult to let go of.

 

Thanks Kate and Susan for your thoughts for my Sister and nephew. It is as you stated Susan, a slow-motion fall and nobody can get under it. Everyone has tried, he just gets further and further into the world of heroin. It is terribly sad, but seeing my Sister so broken is making my heart ache for her. Thanks for your prayers and positive thoughts.

 

Kate, the mosquitoes are out in force, we have had a lot of rain, so they are getting what they need as far as places for eggs to gather in water. I am one of those people that gets bit often, so the spray is out for my walks and bike rides. I want to make a natural remedy to keep them off, but until then, the chemical kind is what I am using. Glad to hear that your Husband is doing well and that the doctors found a less severe kind of issue. HOoray.

 

I love the photos of Pibby's party Susan, it looks to have been a big hit. How nice to have her besties over and in the pool. Your yard is lovely.

[wgreenlee]

Gretchen...

 

As I was downloading pictures I watched Forest's videos and they were wonderful.  The video with all the special moments mesmerized me.  He so reminded me of Brooks and the video stuff I have of him...fun-loving...goofy...having fun with his girl...playing video games...so many memories.  Ashley seemed like the perfect fit for him, too.  Thank you so much for posting them.  There were times during the video I almost could see Brooks doing the same things.  I don't know how many times Brooks ran out of gas, but I have five...five...gas cans in my garage and they are all from him.  Those were good memories of Forest and I smiled...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, I am sorry that your sister is losing her son to addiction. I saw what my mom went through with my older sister, it was hard. HUGs.

 

Susan, later today I will put a link to the video on my other thread on Grief Healing so if any one wants to view the video later, they can...

 

Thinking of many today, Becky, Sherry, Georgina, Dianne, Shannon, Leah, Kate, Sandy, Wade, Eileen, Francesca, Gretchen sending gentle thoughts to all who come here...

 

Wade, Jesse was always running out of gas. On his first real date he took a girl out in a older pick up truck and of course he ran out of gas before the "date" even started. So it was an early evening for him on that night....

 

Gretchen, the video of Forest reminded me of all the young guy hang out activities that they do...In Forest's last photo, he looks so handsome... 

[Sistergldnhair66]

Susan,

LOVE those pics! Your yard looked fabulous and what a lucky little girl that her grammie is so "cool".  I hope I am still "cool" when my granddaughter wants to do things.  What a crowd! No wonder you were exhausted. 

 

Gretchen,

The video of Forest, and that pic..so handsome.  Thanks for sharing.

 

Kate,

The way we look at things "after" is what you said. In fact, I could have wrote that myself.  I have been saying the same things all along about priorities and things being so different now.  I'm so happy that your husband is responding to the treatment.  Prayers for continued healing for him.

 

Laurie and Wade,

Laurie thanks so much for putting up that video.  I cried of course, but I am convinced that me finding this place, and all of you, guarantees that our "Angels" have a similar bond in their new "home".  I can see them all gathered around each other, similarly connected. 

And Wade, thank you for putting that together. And also for your offer of making another with the new Angel faces.  Music to my ears, I would love my boy to be a part of something so special.  I can relate to the panic mode over the quarter and nickle. It's all we have left, those little things that were their's, and it reaffirms that they were really here, as sometimes, it feels as if it might all have been a dream. 

 

Dee,

I am so sad about your nephew.  I lived with Matthew's addiction for 10 years, possibly more.  If she doesn't have anyone that she can relate to, as only someone who has lived that life can truly understand, I am offering my hand to her, and you.  She can reach out to me. If you would like, you can private message me for my phone number. If not, I will continue to pray for those still suffering with the disease of addiction, including the family, as we all become sick as well.

 

So I stayed in NY this weekend for a little get together with my brother from Long Island.  My nephew works at a brewery here in NY, and we all met there on Sunday to support him, and have a visit.  It's nice to get together with family.  It's a little local place, the owner had this dream of starting a brewery, with all local grown ingredients. We sat outside at picnic tables, amidst all the hops growing in the field.  It was very relaxing.  

So yesterday and today are my granddaughters days at day care and I have today with nothing planned. It's not often I am home here in NY without her to care for. I don't have anything planned for myself.

 

Two weeks ago I went to my sister's and packed up Matthew's things.  I put myself on autopilot and her and I did it.  I had brought some Rubbermaid totes over for what I would like to keep.  It wasn't easy.  Going through all his clothes, and possessions, I, of course, wanted to keep everything. I know this is not practical.  I echo the panic that Wade experienced, as in this was their's.  To have some of their things.that the wore, touched, loved..it makes me feel as if it was not a dream, for sometimes I feel that maybe it was. For surely, something this tragic cannot really have happened. It wasn't supposed to happen.  How could we have a child, and then all of a sudden, they are gone!

Well, we put most of his clothes in garbage bags, (this was brutal), they are sitting in the room, as I want them to go to a place where someone will actually need them, and not just toss them in a bin somewhere.  He had many nice things, dress shirts and pants, from when he was in treatment and needed to dress up to look for work..I did save two pairs of his beloved Nike sneakers. And all of his treasured NY Yankee hats, that he had on his head everyday.  I could visualize him in those things, so they meant the most.

And there were soooo many papers, and journals from when he was in his treatment programs.  I have been reading through them.  He also had every letter or card I ever wrote him when he was in Florida, and these I saved as well.  I will read through these as well.  So after doing this...I began grieving for him hard again.  The finality of it all...it's excruciating pain, that only you here or someone who lost a child can understand.  Thank you for being here for me.  

 

So I will post a few pics of Matthew. I have a silly one. I was visiting him in Florida and we went to a giant Flea Market in Ft Lauderdale, and he made a t shirt...it was a fun day, and we laughed at the shirt, saying his therapist was going to have a field day with the shirt, because in treatment they teach them to be "other centered" and not "self centered" and this just was out of the park..

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...thank you for posting the video in a site I can watch it later....I will be safe to have a 'Mama Meltdown'...

 

 

Eileen...I have a story and poem I wrote about our Pibby when she was 4 years old....I so relate and many on this site do, too, to that pain of sifting through clothing and belongings....we had to clean John David's apartment out...his landlord was amazing....when he found out John David had passed...I had to call him...I finally got the story out between sobs...(for real)....I would actually have to put the phone down to collect myself between sentences and sobs...he told me not to worry....he was going to change the keys and when we were ready to come..to let him know and he would let us in..and told us not to worry about being in a hurry or paying extra rent...I was in some ultra space...it was if my feet did not touch the ground...zombie like...when we went to get it done...I must have been in some bubble....I did not cry or break down....until we got home...my safe spot.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I've been reading all your posts just love the idea,thank you Laurie of sharing all our photos of our angels and thank you Wade for collating them for us newbies this really means a lot to me.

I've been unwell the last few days I seem to be so run down. Cold sore throat .feeling very rough.

I will keep reading and post more tomorrow.

I Miss james xxx

I wish you all a peaceful night.

Georgina xxx

[Jeff's Mom]

Eileen, it is so very hard to sort through the personal things that belonged to our child. Many wait for ages to do it. Others have someone help them. Any time you get around to it will be difficult.

 

The pics are great. Love the T-shirt! Hope you had some time to yourself to just unwind today.  

[flocicero]

It's been a long time folks....been busy but I continue to read....this past Saturday marked 36 weeks since I lost my son Michael....some days have been worse.....why am I struggling with believing he's gone? I have his clothes packed but I can't give anything away yet....I may never be able to......I still have stale boxes of his favorite cereals in my cupboards....can't through anything out......

I feel so empty...can't seem to find the reason to be here , but I know my younger son Chris needs me......I've drawn further away from my husband, he didn't know how to deal with Michaels addiction so he consistently verbally abused him & I always tried to be the one to calm things but now I just resent him terribly for how he treated our son....I know how much it hurt Mike...I felt so helpless....now I just can't deal with being around him most of the time....I read that 80% of marriages don't survive the loss of a child....I've been married almost 38 years...got engaged at 16......how insane is that.....I tend to want to make things work but I really don't care anymore...

Thank you for listening.....I feel like whenever I do get a chance to be here, I'm just feeling sorry for myself....that's really not howi usually am.....my life has revolved around taking care of everyone...,.

Peace & love to all

[wgreenlee]

Someone asked me about my faith recently, and I thought hard about posting my response here.  I do not know how all of you feel about your "faith", but these last two weeks have been turbulent, and I think I needed to write this...not so much to help others...maybe it will...but mainly to help myself.  I do not want to go where I was before, because it was scary bad...so here goes...

 

I grew up Catholic and then married a "Southern Baptist" wife.  We had the most amazing church and friends in Las Vegas where we moved when I got my first teaching job.   We enrolled Brooks in a good church school and were so happy with them too.  When we moved to Carson City we found a nice little church and found another wonderful pastor and good friends.  I tell everyone that God and I are still close, but we're just not talking right now.  I know it's irrational, but I'm so very mad at Him now.  My "saving" grace in all this is that I know He understands.  With all the faith I have I believe there is a heaven and I know Brooks believed this, as well.

 

There have been too many instances since Brooks died where God has shown He is still there for me for them to be simply coincidental.  They have all been in moments when I just didn't think I could go on...literally...that's how bad it was.  I will tell you of one instant that is beyond my comprehension and I just didn't rely on faith, but looked at it analytically, too.  This was back on August 19 last year as Brooks' first Angelversary was coming up.  I was in a bad way emotionally so I went to work out at my gym.  I ran and ran and ran and cried the whole time.  I was so upset with everything...so angry...so depressed...so emotional...  Since I only had this cheap flip phone I was using Brooks' smartphone for music so I had both with me.  This was before I had changed my number to his phone.  When I got into my truck my phone rang.  It was coming from Brooks' phone, because it said his name.  I answered, of course, but didn't say anything.  The phone call then ended.  I became even more emotional, because I thought, "How stupid am I?"... I didn't even say "I love you, son."  I waited for my phone to ring again so I could say those words, but after five minutes nothing happened so I decided to head home.  I figured I must have bumped his phone somehow and that's how I got the call.  Brooks' grave is on the way so I stopped like I usually do.  When I got to the cemetery I made sure I had my phone in one hand and Brooks' phone in the other so I didn't bump anything.  I prayed and prayed that I would get another phone call so I could tell him I love him.  As I stood in front of his grave crying and praying my phone rang again and it was Brooks.  There was nobody on the line, but I talked and talked for about five minutes and told him everything I could.

 

Now, the part where I know this came from God and He allowed me this miracle.  Again, the contact information that showed up on my phone said it was from Brooks, and when I looked at his call history it had my number, but only 400-7465 WITHOUT the 3-digit prefix (775).  When I looked at his contacts for me the prefix was there.  When I looked at previous calls from him before he died, both my phone and his phone all had "Dad".  Nowhere on his phone had he just that 7-digit number without using the contacts. There was no way I could have bumped his phone and actually dialed those numbers.  If I had somehow touched a previous call it would have come up on his phone as being to "Dad."  Being skeptical because we "humans" don't seem to accept miracles anymore, I looked at every contact and nowhere was there a contact for "dad" under just the 400-7465 number.  I looked at calls he made to other people and checked their contact information and every time they matched.  The next day I went to the ATT store and asked them if a caller ID ever lacked the whole number typed into the sender contacts and they said "no."  The contact number would automatically be exactly the same on the phone it called.  I believe God made it an aberration so I would know it was Him.  I did not question it after that.  I have never since gotten another phone call, but I also have never since been in the state I was.

 

There have been other instances when I needed something healing, and Inexplicably someone showed up at his grave for me, or suddenly a post on FB would appear where a friend remembered him and said something to ease my pain.  Or someone here wrote words that fit perfectly in my heart.  And then, of course, the deer at his grave the other week...right when Renea and I needed it the most.  I have never seen them before...ever.

 

Why am I so angry with God?  As Brooks grew up I prayed fervently every night for my son's life...his safety...and later for strength for both of us to battle his addiction to drugs (a late addiction derailed a college scholarship to play baseball and interest from some pro teams).  He had "life by the tail."  I was there for him every step of the way through his baseball career...we were inseparable and both loved being together.  I was there for him through his addiction...he fought it at every turn and never blamed anyone else and continually made strides only to be sucked back in...many times I cradled him in my arms as he went through withdrawals and asked me to help him through it.  Finally he was accepted into a men's only Salvation Army rehab program that was pretty no-nonsense with a very good reputation...but so tough...six months with limited contact.  Most guys were much older than Brooks and had more serious addictions and didn't finish.  It was obviously religion based and we would see Brooks every Wednesday and Sunday at church for the first month, but were allowed no contact.  At the fifth week we went to the Wednesday service and they said Brooks and another man had left the program.  The counselors said it was over a petty thing, but Brooks and the other boy thought they would be sent out of the program, which would probably mean jail time for them.  So they figured they would leave so the authorities couldn't come and arrest them.  They didn't know it, but the authorities wouldn't have come anyway.  Dumb decison, but so is addiction.  I was devastated but Renea and I immediately drove around Reno looking for them.  Reno is about 300, 000 people so it's a big city, and we found them after only about 15 minutes.  I told both of them we were going back to the service and see if they would accept them back.  Both said it wouldn't happen, because they were told that at the beginning of the program.  I didn't care and believed God helped me find them so it would work out.  When we got back to the service they were just finishing up.  Everybody looked at us as we entered and many of the men nodded to us and smiled.  As the time came for prayer requests...you would walk up to the front and kneel and the leaders would take your prayers...I went up with Renea, Brooks, and the other boy, and we laid it out for God.  I needed Brooks to stay in the program, not because I was afraid of him going to jail, but because I wanted him to defeat his addiction and have a life that we could live together and enjoy.  After the service while the counselors and pastor were talking it over, almost every man in the program came over and hugged all of us, and told Brooks that he meant alot to them...I found out later from the counselors that Brooks seemed to make everything better for the older guys with his optimism about his future... his singing... his dancing... how he shared what addiction had done to him and us.  Even in the depth of his addiction he maintained a good outlook.  He didn't want to disappoint us and fought and fought to overcome it.  He already had a close relationship with the counselors and they could see him staying after he graduated to become a counselor himself.  The counselors were all previous graduates.  After everyone had left...although they were all waiting outside...the counselors came over with the pastor and told us that they were going to allow the boys to stay in the program, but they would have to start at the beginning again.  The pastor said they had never, ever done this and it was against the rules, but Brooks had demonstrated that he wanted to be clean and since we had come back to the service they thought maybe God was telling them something.  They told us that if we had come the next day or even later that evening they wouldn't have allowed the boys back.  I guess the other boy hadn't been doing so well, but they couldn't accept one back in and not the other.  Brooks said later that he eventually did leave.  When we left the sanctuary the men were still waiting and were so happy that Brooks was back in the program....clapping him on the back.  He was grinning from ear to ear.  I remember so vividly him hugging me and his mom and telling us how thankful he was for us and how he knew he was going to beat his addiction this time.  It was like the biggest weight was lifted from all of our shoulders.  Funny how life changes in an instant... So hard to describe that feeling of elation and knowing God provided that miracle.  Brooks completed the program, met Shauna and the kids, and stayed clean.  He drank a little at parties and stuff, but I remember him telling me it just wasn't the same and didn't feel the need to get high or drunk to have fun.

 

I thought everything was truly right in our world until he was killed.  With all the faith I had...from the essence of who I was...I thought that God had some important works for him, and everything we had gone through for the past five years had prepared us...prepared him...for something glorious.  I was so sure that my prayers were being heard and answered and I had my son back like before.  I thought I was the most blessed person on Earth.  Brooks and Shauna were perfect for each other, and he adored those kids...went to their open houses...talked with their teachers...the whole "dad thing" and he had purpose.  But then...from the moment I saw the officer at our door that terrible morning, my faith has been shaken beyond my comprehension.  How could all of that have happened...and then this?  So I am angry at God, but that doesn't mean I don't think there is a God...being angry at Him just reaffirms my belief in God.  I just don't understand!!!  My mortal mind cannot comprehend the death of my son...how he died...how God could take my only son.  But I know deep down inside that it wasn't God who took my son.  It was a man with a gun...maybe on drugs...maybe with mental illness, but not God.  I know that I am just lashing out at God, because that's all I can do.  He's the scapegoat...  How do I deal with that emotion?  It's so irrational in some ways, but so very real in other ways.

 

Now, all my faith tells me that my son is indeed in Heaven.  i believe that with all my heart and soul just like I know that God gave me 24 wonderful years with Brooks to cherish and that I will see him again.  It's hard to explain my feelings in words, even though I'm writing a lot of them, but one amazing day I will be with my son and we will hug like we did outside the door at the Salvation Army, and he will tell me thanks again for being patient with him and not giving up.  I get up every day and go to bed every night not praying, but telling God that I am holding Him to the promise of heaven and our reunion.  That is what I cling to on those days when life seems to hold no meaning and all seems lost in my world.  I tell Him I don't understand but I will be patient and I will see my son again and everything will be ok again.

 

Bad things happen in life and we are experiencing the most terrible thing.  I don't believe it is God's will.  My faith is absolute in God, even though I am shaken to the core.  What else can I do?  I think I mentioned this before.  I reached out to the family of the man who shot Brooks.  I sent a sympathy card first, then brought them a Christmas card, and on Brooks' Angelversary brought them a card, because it their son's too.  I think how horrible it would be to lose your son, and know that he took another's life on top of that.  Renea goes to a Christian book club at a church and the parents of this man bring donuts to the church every Sunday...they own a wonderful donut place in town...and they had mentioned to the pastor how devastated they were for us.  I don't go there very often now...too painful...but when I do I get a big hug and nothing really needs to be said.  I wonder who gets more solace from my actions...me or them?  

 

One of the reasons I made the original video of our beloved children was to remind myself that others were hurting like me, and that our children need to be remembered, not just by those close to them, but by anyone who came across the video.  God didn't necessarily answer my prayers before for Brooks, but I know his life will still have meaning.  His friends tell me that all the time...even after all these many months.  I am so thankful for this group...for what we share even in our deepest grief...no matter how long ago the loss.  I so needed that when I first came to Indigo and it was provided for me.  Took me a long time to find it though.  I believe I have it now.  As I am making a new video I see the children of those who were here before me, those who are new here, and even those who haven't been on here for such a long time, and I want you to know that they will never be forgotten...ever.  I have been reading all the old posts...so much pain...but yet so much love...for our children and for each other.  For me, personally, it is hard to explain how it effects me...my world before was a small, little bubble, and only certain people were allowed in.  I am so changed...as a person...teacher...even a husband, although I must do better there for Renea.  What I wouldn't give to just have a minute more with Brooks, but in some ways all of you here make it seem like I have that minute with him...that and more.  I just can't tell you all how blessed I feel for that.  Doesn't seem like I should feel blessed, but I am and I think that is the beginning of my hope.

 

Thank you!

[Sistergldnhair66]

Oh Wade, there are no words to respond to your heartfelt words. I nod, with tears streaming. We are connected, many strangers who might have never connected before this tragic event in our lives. Yet here we are in a world clouded by judgement, together where there is none.

Thank YOU.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Francesca, 

Never think you are feeling sorry for yourself. You're grieving the loss of your Michael, your Son. This is the place where you can say it all. 'Out there' we sometimes have to pretend to be 'ok' when we are anything but. We put on our brave face and smile through the tears to get through the day... for our other children, spouses, co-workers... but here you do not have to do that. We are all here to hear you. I also still have Trista's things. I would have left her room just as it was longer if it weren't for the move. Now her clothes are boxed but they will stay until I'm ready. Since this house is smaller and I don't have the extra room I've decided to take some of her 'treasures' and put them out around the house... something of hers in each room... her favorite teapot on display in the kitchen, her little rug with the rose on it that she loved... she picked it out when she and I redecorated her room together... is in my bedroom. How and when we deal with our Children's things is so individual. Just do what feels right to you. I read, and it was so early in my grief that I'm not sure if it was here or in a book or on another site... of another Mother who, when she had to move to a new house, set her Daughters room up there exactly as it had been in the other. There is no wrong way or right way. 

 

Wade, 

I also read your post through my tears. We aren't so far apart on the timeline of our loss ... just three months. I've learned so much about Brooks since you've come here and feel like I know him, as I do the other Angels... through the love of their parents. Your faith and your strength are an inspiration to me and I know to others. Like you, I believe that our Children are together and that we have been 'brought' here together to help each other through this. I could relate to so much that you wrote. I also had a period that was so dark that I wasn't sure I could find my way out. It's a place I never ever want to return to. I do believe that we will all see our Children again. I also believe that there is so much more than what we can see and know here and now and that our Children reach out to us to remind us of that when we need it most. I love that phone call from Heaven and I have had experiences too that are beyond coincidence. I too have an analytical mind about things and often look for another potential explanation but there is usually none and when it happens, there is this 'knowing' that occurs. Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read it this morning. 

 

You've been talking about 'grief work' and I have realized that I have not had the time... space... energy... to do much grief work... Not for a long time. I had so much on my plate and I realize... two years... with Trista's Angel Day just passing. I'm finding myself in a place where finally I will be able to rest and do the work that I need to do. 

 

Susan,

Pibby's Birthday looks like it was such a wonderful day. I remember those parties. Tris had outgrown that at 17 but when she was younger we always had a lot of fun with her parties. One year it was a Hula Girl party. All the girls got grass skirts and we learned to hula dance by way of a video. One year a fashion show for their dolls... I think I had as much fun planning it as she did having it. Lots of work though. Your yard looks so beautiful in the pictures. 

 

The other day I met Mrs. Willie... or Grandma as she says everyone calls her. She lives just up the road from me and she walked down to say hello and introduce herself. She brought me two hand crocheted doilies in pinks and lavender to match my house. She's a very sweet woman. As she handed me the doilies she told me she likes to keep her hands and mind busy... idle hands and all that. I recognized something in her before she ever told me her story. Maybe it was the comment about keeping herself busy... something I completely understand or how upset she was that the deer were eating her flowers because her flowers bring her so much comfort. I'm not sure what it was but when I showed her Trista's garden she shared with me that she had a lost a Son, in the military. She also lost a Grandson. Then I understood what I recognized in her eyes... A broken place deep in her heart that matched mine. She made it very clear that she is just up the road if we ever need anything at all. 

 

Yesterday was a tough day. My Sis and neice were in an accident. They are both ok but obviously shaken up. It happened in a way so similar to Trista's and it was my Sister's fault which had her even more shaken up than the accident. I spoke to my Grandmother and she said... I prayed as I do every morning that all my family would be kept safe today. It just goes to show that He does hear our prayers. It was the wrong thing for me to hear. I think she realized as soon as the words were out of her mouth because she quickly began to talk about Trista and her beliefs on how that could happen, in spite of our prayers ... Too much... especially right now... having just gotten through June 1st and now 11 days before Trista's 20th Birthday... 20... I wonder how she would have changed. The conversation became tense as I held back tears. My Grams has been such a support to me and as close as she and Tris have always been she has grieved so much too. She would never say anything to purposely hurt me. But it did anyway. 

 

I'm going to forget the remaining boxes for today and get outside to work in the garden aka the weed and thistle and clover patch with a fence around it. It will be ready for next year. It doesn't look so great right now but I'm seeing what it will be. I need some time with Mother Nature today. 

 

Thinking of all and sending wishes for a peaceful day. 

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, I just read your post and agree with the other comments. I have come to know your Brook's from your posts over these past few years. What an amazing and giving young man he was. Just look into his eyes in those photos. They say they are the windows to the soul. I see a smiling one that is filled with love and goodness. I mentioned the other day what an amazing place heaven must be. To have so many vibrant positive young souls. My bet is that they are sad for us because we are grieving. They are now happy and at peace. We are the ones that are suffering.  Love will never die and without a doubt we will eventually be reunited again. We just need to learn how to go about living for now without them in our lives. That is such a difficult thing to do. It takes a ton of courage and strength . Hold on with both hands.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I've thought about having a quilt made from some of Trista's t-shirts. Colleen had one done for her son, Brian, and it turned out so nice. I thought about trying to make it myself but I am not a seamstress at all. I saw this today and it looks pretty simple so I thought I would share it in case anyone else ever wanted to try it.

http://www.sweetteainthesouth.com/how-to-make-t-shirt-rag-quilt/

[rlolheiser]

Seeing the video of our Angels was wonderful, I couldn't view it before because I had dial up.  I cried most of the way through it because even though JaBoa's picture isn't there.. the songs that were played at her service were.  I had hid from the songs for so long.  I am not sorry that I heard them though, it kind of makes me think she is here helping me through mom's failing.  I went in to put her pictures up again, I followed Wades directions and cried as I had removed them at one of my times that I was so down, but forgot my pictures are on a different computer that isn't working.  Hospice has started.  Mom isn't eating, yesterday she had an orange and I actually got her up once.  Today however the only thing she has had is some water and she won't get up.  She calls me in constantly and falls asleep again.  My emotions are a rollercoaster.  This is the one place I can come where I don't have to do something for somebody.  People around here are so needy..  and so selfish..  Just ready to kick them all out.. and I know it is just my tiredness speaking.. 

 

I send out prayers to all the parents here and hope that you find your strength.. it isn't easy sometimes but lean on the wonderful people on this site and hold close to our angels..  we will get through  it  somehow   

[Everly]

Wade, your post made me think.  My phone had a 'dog barking' as a ringer for my Mom's number.  It was kind of an annoying dog barking sound... but I kept it because it was so distinct, I knew I would never miss her call.

 

Well we just disconnected her home phone a few weeks ago... I know, I called and had it disconnected... took me 7.5mo to do that... her phone number is no more

 

The other day when I was running... I was crying, thinking of my dear sweet Mom... when I heard that ring... the 'dog barking, that distinct annoying dog bark'.  I  swear.  I stopped... and thought "didn't we cancel her phone?.  Could my brother be at her house calling me?".  I took out my phone from my case and no call had come in.  I checked when I got home and sure enough her home phone has been disconnected.  Perhaps I imagined it.  Perhaps I did not.  I wish for the latter.. but I have got no signs to confirm that

[Jeff's Mom]

Leah, I hear you. I am really sorry that your Mom has reached this stage. You must be exhausted. Have your tried giving her a meal replacement drink? Something like Ensure, etc. or a protein shake? Make sure you allow yourself time for self care. Is respite available to you? I wish I lived closer to help out. You are right about this place...you are not alone. Prayers sent your way. Kate 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Leah, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. I'm sure this is such an emotional and draining time. Kate mentioned a nutrition drink. When my Grandpa was very ill that's about all he could tolerate. Boost and Ensure are the two I think he liked.

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am glad that hospice is there, someone who can help understand and take a bit of the weight off for you. I remember when hospice went into my Mom's home, they were there about 5 days before she died. They were able to assist with her pain and that was a big relief.

Prayers.

 

Wade, so much said straight from the heart, everyone here, including me, appreciates the words you found so deep inside, finding your voice amongst the pain, the grateful mixed in with the ashes. God bless.

 

 

[Sistergldnhair66]

Leah, so sorry about your mom. Try to rest when you can. If we were all able you'd have an army of hands to help you.

All I can send you is hugs..

[rlolheiser]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.

 

I have tried to give her everything, she wouldn't even drink the shakes when she was stronger.  It is so hard to watch her fade away.  I know I am not the first to go through this.  It just brings back the feelings I had when my dad passed,   I guess so much of my frustration is the people around me.  My husband is so cold about it, and my daughter keeps away.  My granddaughter is to frightened to even be in the same room with her.Siblings have the nerve to tell me how hard it is to sit at their house and worry.. and I am dumb enough to try to comfort them..  I am trying to take care of me.  I am not able to let anybody come in and do anything for mom yet.  I am so afraid I will miss something that only I can do.  I know it isn't right but...  I have mental issues I guess.  I do promise though to try to take care .. as much as I can

 

I do have to say I am so fortunate though because my 11 year old is doing so much more for his old mom...  he seems to understand me.. he isn't a talker or one to show his emotion.. but he is hugging me more so I am happy for that.

 

Again.. thank you so much.. it helps to read the words you write me. You are all so awesome.. God bless you all!

[TearsInHeaven]

Wade, the ability to pour out your rawest emotions to your son, yourself, your wife and all of us  was an amazing thing.  God bless you for working through the pain, the sorrow, the love and the joy your son is for you.  Your words have had a profound effect.  And your message from heaven was an incredible gift. Hold on to it and never let it go.

 

Leah- I only have prayers to offer you for your strength  and your Mother's comfort.  They are yours.

[Everly]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Wow, I can feel your anger. I do understand why you are so put out. I only know that as much as many are not able to handle this difficult part of a person dying...thank heaven...there are those that are able to stand their ground. Your Mom most definitely felt your loving care... and your presence was the best gift you could have given her at this last time of her life. While I understand your anger at your siblings...believe me...I do! Try to focus on all the positives that you alone accomplished. Becoming bitter towards them is a negative and destructive waste of time. Be proud of what you did. Know that your Mom is no longer having to suffer. If you can...try to focus on the better days that you shared in the past. Your siblings will have their own challenges down the road and things that they will have to face like it or not. That will not be your issue at that time. They will have to learn this on their own. Good for you helping your Mom. She undoubtedly knew how much you loved her.

 

Susan, how did the surgery go? here's hoping he will now be more comfortable.

 

Becky, as always...thinking of you and hoping your own health issues are somewhat improved. I miss seeing the pics of your pool pals.

 

Sandy, hope all is well you way.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lots of sharing going on....and there will always be a word or words where one can identify with...and know they are not alone with their struggles and grief....

 

Retz62 and Leah.....I can be back in that hospital room with my sweet little Mama in a nano second...and I learned a very wise lesson on that vigil....now when I 'look back'....and all of us do 'look back'...I know I left no stone unturned...not one regret....not one....for I did all I could in human form and love for her....I learned there were many things out of my control...but I concentrated on all I could control. I shined the light on all that was within my human reach for her. I also learned to have compassion FOR MYSELF....there are times in our lifetime when there is that page in our life book that is so...so sad....I allowed myself to be sad...down...spent...for there is not going to be a 'happy ending' to this chapter. I knew I was going to lose her. She was not going to be healed. I had to throw my denial out the window and allow the 'real' into my whole persona. My Dad, sister, brother and Aunts were in some kind of denial...and that was ok with me...especially my Daddy...the first day I got to the hospital...it dawned on me that me and my Daddy were sitting around her...adoring her....just as we did when I was little....we had taken our 'spots' as if on cue.

[Mermaid Tears]

Francesca...you are so new to the grief journey...please allow yourself a lot of beyond sad days, nights, weeks, months, years....this kind of grief is the kind that I think...one must learn to carry...for it is so heavy and dark. I think many parents are too hard on themselves...and expect too much from themselves. It doesn't matter when you go through your boys things....there is no time limit or stop watch...to tell you when to start or time is up. Many parents don't touch anything for years....and that is ok...we get no awards for being 'strong or stoic'....we get no medal for 'rising above it all'.....but.....we do get a measure of healing by being good and kind to ourselves...and gentle with our shattered heart. Many of us have other children and GRANDchildren that we must be responsible for and allow them in our circle. They grieve, too, and in their own way. Just take it all one day at a time and allow yourself to be simply human.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Nine months today I lost the best part of me my beautiful son. My heart is truly broken.

I miss him so much the smiles the cuddles the laughter and the friendship. James was one of a kind and the world is not the same any more now he's gone.

To me these words that Elizabeth Kulber Ross wrote describe my beautiful Son just how he was.

"The most beautiful people we have ever known are those who have a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....I have some thoughts to share with you....have to run...more later.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Georgina,

The nine month mark hit me really hard. I'm thinking of you tonight and sending hugs. I love that quote by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Got an e-mail from the attorney today. Got the report from the reconstructionist for the trucking company. They sent it June 1st. At least my attorney waited until today to send it to me. I guess it could be coincidence but I wonder if they do these things on purpose.. wait until times they know you will at your lowest... I know it's all just business to them. 

[Mermaid Tears]

It is late Shannon...we are with you....just like we have been  on your journey....just wanted to reinforce that with you...holding you and Aiden and Zak in our hearts ...thoughts..prayers....rough roads...smooth roads...we travel them with you....

[Sistergldnhair66]

Shannon, I second Susan. We are here for you. Hold on.

Georgina,

That's a beautiful saying. I know each month 'date' it becomes more difficult to fathom. Especially now being on the down side of the first year.

I called his phone today, just to hear his voice. The service is still on for the prosecutor's office to retrieve things from it. I hope I can find a way to tape his voice before I have to disconnect it.

[wgreenlee]

Your children are BEAUTIFUL!  

 

As I finish the video, I can't explain the emotions...loss...anger...pain...hope...love...tears...smiles...  I am getting to know all of your precious angels better and better...and they shine bright.  I feel so honored to be part of their life.  All the memories...I feel them like I was there...and I wish there were more.  I wish I could have met each of them.  There are so many things I would like to tell them.  My son has a family in heaven...of that I am certain.

 

Love to every one of you today.  Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life!!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Eileen, we recorded Jesse's greeting on his phone. I have it saved in multiple places. Here is the computer software I used, it is Audacity and is a free download

 

http://audacityfreedownload.org/

 

All you need is a microphone attached to your computer/laptop. It will record as a MPG3 file. I put my phone on speaker phone to record the message. We do still have Jesse's phone on as it is only $10 a month to do so as I have a Verizon account.

 

Wade, thank you so much for taking the time to update the video, it was so kind of you. I look forward to seeing the new version.

 

Retz, those final days can be so hard. My own mom and dad are getting there too. However, my sister's fiance had both his elderly parents passed 6 months apart and he is an only child. It was a tough balancing act between his job, maintaining both homes, and getting proper care for his parents. Take care of yourself as I saw the toll it took on him...

 

Susan,  "I also learned to have compassion FOR MYSELF....there are times in our lifetime when there is that page in our life book that is so...so sad....I allowed myself to be sad...down...spent...for there is not going to be a 'happy ending' to this chapter."

 

This is so true and allowing ourselves to own our true emotions is the best we can do sometimes.

 

Shannon, sending you gentle thoughts today as you work through the accident reconstruction report.

 

Dee, still sending prayers on behalf of your nephew.

 

Gretchen, Becky, Sherry thinking of you all today...

 

Kate, thanks for your words of wisdom. They are so appreciated.

 

And HUGS to ALL who visit here...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Will post more later

[Sistergldnhair66]

Laurie thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

Wade, thank you so much for doing that for our angels.

[InHeavensKeeping]

Wade I just love what you have written about all our children in heaven together. Thank you for doing the video means such a lot to all of us.

Eileen I hope you can get his voice recorded a lasting memory to hold on to we cannot even get into James phone or his computer or face book but that seems to be our luck nowadays.

Shannon I'm holding you close as you go through the report. We're waiting for the report the C I D have just carried out. Thank you for the quilt link a friend is going to help me make small chair ones for the girls and me. Xx

Laurie I'm looking into the reconstruction firm thank you for finding the link for me.

Susan Dee Gretchen Kate and to all sending you love and peace xxxx

[rlolheiser]

Wade,  Thank you for all you do!  You are such an inspiration to us.  I have come to think of our Angels and our online group as family.. it helps to think that my little girl isn't alone.  We can't find answers we look for always.. but we can always find somebody to listen to us..

 

I send out thoughts and prayers for everyone.  thanks for being here

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, thanks again for all of the effort you have put into the video. When do you go to Alaska? Salmon fishing sounds like  wonderful way to spend the summer. Have you watched any of the FIFA games? The city is swarming with tourists. Actually I noticed many new faces in Gimli this morning. As we are only an hour drive from Winnipeg I gather some drive up to check things out.

 

It was a wonderful day today. The weather could not have been more perfect. Warm sunny sky and a lovely breeze. I imagine people will be up by the droves this weekend. The lake is still a tad chilly for swimming.... but that won't stop the kids.

 

Eileen, I do hope you manage to have his voice recorded. If only I had done the same thing.

 

Tomorrow I finally head into the site to plant those crazy flowers. I will finally be able to rest properly once the area is fixed up to my liking. I noticed that the lady's slipper are blooming profusely along with some wild irises. How I love my walks in this area. It never disappoints.

 

 

Love and peace to all for a decent weekend.

 

Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, the flowers sound lovely, we had some ladyslippers in our yard and I was amazed by their intricate designs inside the bloom. Gorgeous. I know you will feel good putting those flowers into the ground at the spot, enjoy that time. Enjoy your walks. Today was quite chilly for June and rainy all day, supposed to be rainy tomorrow as well. Forces me to do some work around the house, like complete my thank you notes to my students...now I need to tackle some cleaning.

 

Wade, as others have said, you provide so much hope for everyone. I remember realizing that without hope, it was difficult to live and carry Erica's light about. It was during that first year that I realized that hope was in fact, the one thing that could lead us into tomorrow.