Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Will post more later...

[Sistergldnhair66]

Hello All. Shannon, what a wonderful story at finding your new home. Trista was working some magic for you, I'm sure of it!

 

Susan, Love LOVE the flamingo's.  I have a secret love affair for flamingo's.  My first apartment bathroom was flamingo's. I had it all, shower curtain, rug, toothbrush holders, all of it flamingo's...they make me smile.  

 

Georgina, I hope you are healing from your surgery. I can feel your pain about finding justice for James. Its how I feel about the man that was with Matthew when he passed away.  

 

Wade, those pictures....gave me chills, and tears rolled down my face. If there was ever a sign from your dear Brooke's, that was it.  So peaceful and serene. I think that was  the message to give you, he is at peace, and Brooke's wants you to find your own.  I think we are all searching for that. To find a certain "peace" in our hearts of our dear children passing before us. 

 

I just had a moment.  I read so much about grief, there are so many aspects of it.  I just had a breakdown and for the first time, I felt anger. Tears, and teeth clenching anger, fists clenched.... it's so strange how it comes from nowhere. Just a flash and a complete breakdown, and it leaves as quick as it came.  Leaving you exhausted. 

 

Last week was 6 months, on Thursday.  I was just telling my sister how I read how some people feel so uncomfortable around your grief, that they pull away. Don't acknowledge when you make a comment about the loved one who has passed.  I posted two things on my facebook, one was an article about, What I wish Everyone would know about losing a child, and then someone wrote something to me about Not failing as a mother..beautiful article, that I will try to post here, and noone, noone commented on it, but when I post something like a recipe, everyone has something to say. Truly made what I said true.  Here is the article I read:

 

Four and half years after the death of my oldest son, I finally went to a grief support group for parents who have lost children. I went to support a friend who recently lost her son. I'm not sure I would've gone except that when I was in her shoes, four years ago, I wish I would've had a friend to go with me. Losing a child is the loneliest, most desolate journey a person can take and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience.

The meeting was a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, an organization solely dedicated to providing support for those who have lost children, grandchildren or siblings. The facilitator was a tall gentleman who had lost his 17 year old son eight years ago. He opened the meeting by saying that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay. Well, he couldn't be more correct: no one wants to belong to this group.

The group of incredible survivors included parents whose children had been killed by drunk drivers, murdered, accidental overdose, alcoholism, suicide and freak accidents. The children's ages ranged from 6-38 years old. When hearing the stories, I had a visceral reaction to being part of this "club," but was also humbled by the greatness of these mothers and fathers.

Most of what I share in this article came from this meeting, but also from my own experience of having lost a child and being four years into that lifelong journey of healing from deep grief. The following five tips can be your compass to help you navigate how to give support to grieving parents on a sacred journey they never wanted to take.

1. Remember our children.

The loss of children is a pain all bereaved parents share, and it is a degree of suffering that is impossible to grasp without experiencing it first hand. Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head on. But we want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was.

If you see something that reminds you of my child, tell me. If you are reminded at the holidays or on his birthday that I am missing my son, please tell me you remember him. And when I speak his name or relive memories relive them with me, don't shrink away. If you never met my son, don't be afraid to ask about him. One of my greatest joys is talking about Brandon.

2. Accept that you can't "fix" us.

An out-of-order death such as child loss breaks a person (especially a parent) in a way that is not fixable or solvable — ever! We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same.

Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with loss, and it's a solitary journey. We appreciate your support and hope you can be patient with us as we find our way.

Please: don't tell us it's time to get back to life, that's it's been long enough, or that time heals all wounds. We welcome your support and love, and we know sometimes it hard to watch, but our sense of brokenness isn't going to go away. It is something to observe, recognize, accept.

3. Know that there are at least two days a year we need a time out.

We still count birthdays and fantasize what our child would be like if he/she were still living. Birthdays are especially hard for us. Our hearts ache to celebrate our child's arrival into this world, but we are left becoming intensely aware of the hole in our hearts instead. Some parents create rituals or have parties while others prefer solitude. Either way, we are likely going to need time to process the marking of another year without our child.

Then there's the anniversary of the date our child became an angel. This is a remarkable process similar to a parent of a newborn, first counting the days, then months then the one year anniversary, marking the time on the other side of that crevasse in our lives.

No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of when our child died brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings (particularly if there is trauma associated with the child's death). The days leading up to that day can feel like impending doom or like it's hard to breathe. We may or may not share with you what's happening.

This is where the process of remembrance will help. If you have heard me speak of my child or supported me in remembering him/her, you will be able to put the pieces together and know when these tough days are approaching.

4. Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.

It's an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child with the desire to live in a way that honors them and their time on this earth.

I remember going on a family cruise eighteen months after Brandon died. On the first day, I stood at the back of the ship and bawled that I wasn't sharing this experience with him. Then I had to steady myself, and recognize that I was also creating memories with my surviving sons, and enjoying the time with them in the present moment.

As bereaved parents, we are constantly balancing holding grief in one hand and a happy life after loss in the other. You might observe this when you are with us at a wedding, graduation or other milestone celebration. Don't walk away — witness it with us and be part of our process.

5. Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable.

Our loss is unnatural, out-of-order; it challenges your sense of safety. You may not know what to say or do, and you're afraid you might make us lose it. We've learned all of this as part of what we're learning about grief.

We will never forget our child. And in fact, our loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness. We would rather lose it because you spoke his/her name and remembered our child, than try and shield ourselves from the pain and live in denial.

Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who have endured one of life's most frightening events. Rise up with us.

[Sistergldnhair66]

I'm in Pennsylvania for the weekend. I just received word from my daughter that the autopsy report came today, and is waiting for me when I get home.

Looking for prayers of strength today for when I read it.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Georgina, Dianne and Eileen, I can only echo what Wade wrote last night about sharing with other bereaved parents, it helps to read what others are going through and what they found works and doesn't work, and the telling of the raw emotions that come...only another bereaved parent truly understands. Eileen, will send prayers, reading the report is difficult. I could only scan parts of Jesse's...and it was still too much...

 

Karen, I am sorry for the loss of your son, Stephen. It is so soon for you, there are many layers of shock that keep us protected in that early stage. Sending gentleness for the day.

 

Kate, will send prayers for the medical tests. I have plants to get in the ground but so far it hasn't happened.

 

Dee, thanks for sharing the pics. My youngest son went back to work today, so I an now watching Benton (grandson, just over 27 months) all day. My son will be working 12 hour days 5 days a week, so this is a whole new schedule for us.

 

Gretchen, how is everything down in Oklahoma now that the weather has subsided, you sure had some bad storms...

[tobyfreefoot]

wade--so so so wonderful.it helps so much to see signs people receive. i really liked this line-.I learned that I am not crazy when I see a young bearded man in the supermarket who looks just like Steven and I follow him up and down the aisles grateful for a moment with my son.  a moment with my son i have done that

 

shannon  oh no! i missed trista's angeldate??!! i know from your stories of late that trista cannot be far away, guiding you and sending you such unmistakable signs!

 

karen--i'm so sorry for the loss of your son. my son died at the age of 28 almost 4 years ago along with his girlfriend when she fell asleep at the wheel on the highway and hit a parked semi.  this site has helped me through my darkest moments and is helping me move into the light again without leaving my boy behind. i hope you are able to find some comfort and direction here also

 

laurie-we all made it through fine.  was a pretty crazy season. we have some repairs to make but all is well.

 

kathy-nice to see you today

 

kate-will be keeping you in my thoughts

[rlolheiser]

I do so appreciate the inquiries of mom.  She isn't doing well right now.  Right now they are just giving her drugs to help her get through her day.  To try to keep the pain down.  Now I get to see very little of her.  Thursday we are due for the procedure to repair her aneurysm patch, that is if she even makes it til then.  I also worry that after traveling to the hospital they will say she is to weak to have the procedure done.  It is in God's hands, and all I can do is be here to watch and wait.  I really am not handling it the greatest.. but then how do you handle things like this.  How I wish I had a book to tell me the next step... kinda like wishing I knew what would happen after JaBoa left us...  So many questions unanswered  even after all these years...  How I miss her... miss my dad...  tired of going through this...

 

Today.. somebody asked my daughter how many children she had.. she looked at me and said 2...  my tears just fell...  when people ask me how many grand kids I have.. I have 7...  4 living with their mom in Bismarck, 2 living here with me.. and one living with God....  I know I am just a mess..  I hope it gets better.. It will.. time.. time is what it takes

 

Karen, sorry you have found your way to this site..  It is a great place to be though..  we can say whatever we need.. cause sometimes there just isn't anybody around to listen .   Please share your angel with us, we love to here about these wonderful souls who have joined our own angels.  My granddaughter passed away on Oct 30, 2006..  I was welcomed here as her grandmother and this site has saved me more than once.

 

Kate, Dee, Sherry, Wade, Susan, Gretchen, Georgina, Becky...    so many wonderful parents..  many more than I haven't named and cant think of names..  just so tired.. Thinking of you all.. and I carry you in my heart

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I just lost my entire post, too tired now to do again, will try later.

 

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Continuing to send prayers for your mom & your family. I can hear

the tiredness in your voice.....you have so much on your plate, and it's so difficult....

I'm sorry.  As you said....It's in GOD's hands.  Peace & comfort to you, friend.

 

Kate-----That is such a nice gesture to get a tree planted in memory dear pet, Annie,

who went to the Rainbow Bridge last year. It's hard to lose pets....I know.  I will

try to get some pics posted of flowers.  The photo app I have is not easy to navigate,

(or it just could be that I'm inept   )

 

Karen----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Stephen, so recently. You have

found a good site to come to whenever you want, and read/post whenever you

feel you want to.  Please come back to BI (Formerly called Beyond Indigo).

 

SWEET.......TRISTA  MAE.........AN  ANGEL  in  HEAVEN.

 

Shannon----Thinking of you and wishing you peace.  

 

Georgina-----Oh my goodness......your eye looks so sore.  Do take care of

yourself,  and wishing you a quick recovery.  Sending prayers.

 

Kathy------Jessicasmom...So good to see your post & pics.   My.....Tav is getting to be such a

grown-up young man.  So glad to hear that you like your new home.  Thanks

for the lovely pics of Tavian and the dear little kitty, Bella.

 

Dee-----Thanks for the pics.  The ones of the flowers came up nice & clear,

but was unable to get the cardinal ones......not sure why.  Anyhow...the flowers

are lovely, and your little grandboy,  Michael is just adorable.

 

PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

I keep this little note on my bathroom mirror....to help me through the really dark mornings...to find some light in the day...

[Sistergldnhair66]

Well I read the report. Was hard to read. It was as I suspected.. Heroin overdose. Sad today again.

[Mermaid Tears]

Eileen....now that you have read the report....and we all wish we could have sat by you in human form...just keep in mind that many parents on this site have had to do the same thing....and we are all here to hear you.

    I hope that you can put it away....out of sight....and just give yourself some room and time to grieve...just bend into it...and be very gentle with yourself today....treat yourself like you have the flu....I believe this kind of grief is like having a sickness...we hurt..ache...our joints ache...our heart breaks...we need to rest and take it easy.

    You know your boy would not have left you unless he had to.

[Jeff's Mom]

Eileen, I agree with Susan. Please try to look after yourself and put it on the back burner for now. You need time to grieve properly and time to focus on all that was wonderful about your son. We all dread hearing the exact details of our child's death. As much as we do not actually truly want to hear the awful facts we are drawn as a parent to know how they died exactly. It is very hard to hear those words. I personally will not let myself go there. I focus instead on all that was good about my son and the wonderful times we shared. I know this is a hard day for you. Sending warm wishes and "hugs" your way. BTW...thank you for posting the article on grieving parents. I nodded my head in agreement to everything I read. If only people could try to understand. 

 

Susan, thanks for posting everything that you do to help everyone on this site.  Please let us know how the party for Pibby goes. I am really pleased that your rain has finally stopped and you are now having a chance for things to dry out.

 

Sherry, we finally decided on a Shaughnessy Flowering Apple Tree. It has bright fushia pink blooms in spring and is very cheerful. Hopefully it will be planted by the weekend. Apparently the birds love it.

 

Becky, sorry that you lost your post. How are you doing?

 

Leah, I am so sorry that your Mom is at this stage. Sending wishes for comfort and a peaceful ending. Take care of yourself.

 

Karen, thinking of you today and how you are doing.

 

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Happy Biryhday Trista sorry it's late xxx

Shannon I'm so happy you and your boys have found a sweet new home to live in peace.

Wade Brooks sent you such a special sign all is well with him. I'm so happy for you xx

Dianne thank you. My daughter also said that James will be watching over Ellia her guardian Angel forever. I wish I could feel how you feel but I'm so scared where James is. I'm very confused I sometimes see his image in the clouds I look now all the time and his face seems to appear. Is that a sign? So what you said is very true for me.

Karen you've found such a place of kind compassionate people who have helped me through this grief journey I like you stumbled on this site while I was looking for help and parents like the new me. I'm glad you've found us.

Thankyou Kate my eye is healing very well just waiting for the byopsey results.

Eileen thank you for the artic all you posted. I felt every word. So true. Another Firm of Solicitors turned us down today they said they would make enough money out of the case as James wasn't married or had a child. I can't take much more of this. They are ruthless in how they think and brutal in how they talk. I'm sorry about your report your very brave to read it yourself we had to get someone to read ours to us and prepare us for the bad parts. I nearly had a heart attack when that was read to us.

Thank you Laurie I so agree with what you said '.only another bereaved parent truly understands'

Leah I'm praying for you, your family and especially your mum xx

Sherry thank you xx

Susan I love all the words Thankyou for sharing xx

Dee thanks for sharing the pics. Xx

God bless Georgina x

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

I think it is just plain hard to read any cause of death for a child.

 

Eileen, now you know. You said you had suspected the cause (as I did with my son). I hope you can rest your mind now.

 

I also agree with Mermaid Tears. I looked at the death certificate for my son once, and then had to put it away so as not to continually ruminate on it. I know I would have read and reread it repeatedly if I hadn't.

 

You are in my prayers.

 

Karen

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

Mermaid Tears, I really like that note you posted!

 

I believe God has a purpose for each of us, and every day I wake up (now, in particular), I think, "Oh...I'm still here. I guess You have work for me to do today."

 

Of course, many times I'm stumped as to what that is.

 

 

[Sistergldnhair66]

Thank you all for your concern. I tried to keep busy today with my granddaughter.

My mind now can't unsee what I saw and the graphic images of an autopsy kept peeking in, but I dodged them.I just want to punch someone.

Its very late, and I'm so very tired, and my little Aurora will have Grandma up bright and early tomorrow.

Sweet Dreams

[Jeff's Mom]

We woke up this morning to an intensely blue sky and the sun shining brilliantly. We sat and enjoyed a morning cup of coffee as we watched the flourish of activity outside our window. The house wrens are buzzing around like crazy. What a lovely sight and sound. I find that when things prove to be overwhelming I live in the moment... and I try to take one day at a time. It seems to work for me. When we heard the autopsy results from our family physician I tried to block it out. I knew that it was important that I knew about the details, but I also forced myself to focus on something that was not as painful. Remembering and surrounding myself with Jeff's  good memories helped tremendously.

 

We had good news regarding the CT scan. It was read immediately by a radiologist. He now has something that is not directly linked to his cancer. Diverticulosis (sp?) In part due to a weakened colon from his surgery. Very painful, but treatable. We were so pleased with the news. Today I will try to make it into the site to make a start at the gardens. Losing myself in nature helps with the worry and sadness. It is a form of catharsis. The woods are now filled with a very cheery yellow flower that carpets the ground of low lying areas. it is just stunning. And in early June the wild roses and wild daisies will be out.

 

I am truly wishing all of you a peaceful day. Love to all, Kate

 

  

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

Kate, that is good news. Diverticulosis isn't fun, but it's a better diagnosis than some.

 

Glad your day has been filled with beauty.

[TearsInHeaven]

Georgina--who better to watch over your beautiful granddaughter than her loving uncle James?  I too was frightened when we lost Michael and begged that God take care of him for me.  Basically I still do. But several years ago I had a "moment".  I was with a woman  who was like a mother to me.  I knew and loved her from the time I came home from the hospital as an infant.  I was fortunate( sorry bad word) to be able to be with her when she was dying.  She had lucid moments. The night before she died we had her in a lounge chair because she could not breathe laying down.In the morning when the nurse came in she grabbed her arm and said, "Am I in Heaven?"  The nurse told her no not yet and she says<" Oh thank God.  I was hoping it was better than this!" As morning turned to afternoon her organs were failing.  I was on one side of her and her husband was on the other.  She got this look on her face and she looked at each individual person in the room--but none of us individual people.  You could tell by her face she was seeing her family  come  for her--the family that had passed.   She smiled and said, "Howard that's my mom".  She grabbed her husband's hand and said I don't want to do this without you so hurry. (Ok he was older too)  and she was gone.   No religion, no instruction ever did more for my faith than that. James is good and while all of us wish we could undo what brought us here we can't.  But give yourself some type of peace once in awhile to know he is there.  Look at the beautiful deer for

Wade and his wife, --or the message on the house for Shannon.  Those moments are out there.  I think I put this here before-- I found this on Michael's birthday a couple of weeks ago.  It was how we always talked.  I know Susan always finds such poignant clips but this one spoke to me.Take care of yourself.

 

[InHeavensKeeping]

Diana thank you for cRing about me and James. I feel comforted by your words. I have showed Wades pictures to my family I think he was so very lucky to have a sign like that and I thanked God. I just love the story of the women how amazing to witness it made me chuckle her comment about is this heaven.

Take care Dianne I'll text more tomorrow I'm really tired tonight.

God Bless you all enjoy your evening xxxx

[Sistergldnhair66]

Kate, good news on the ct scan. What great pics, the gardens look lovely.

Dianne, what a great experience you had with your friend. Seems so very peaceful doesn't it? I want to leave myself open for signs for surely they bring comfort. Worse to feel they are separated from us forever. Matthew and I were so very close, I can't imagine he'd leave me stranded here alone. Its so very hard finding footing here in this new world.

[Mermaid Tears]

More later....I have this 'knowing' in me and about me...none of our children 'pass alone'...none...and not even death can separate us from our child...

[TearsInHeaven]

Eileen- I shared my story because this changed me so much.  It was so long ago--like 13-15 years ago.  I never knew it would be so important to me because who would have believed I would lose my son.  But it has been a source of comfort.  trust me I still cry, I still rant, I don't sleep, I don't eat well but somehow through all of that we know we have to go on. Like Susan said--we are never separated from our child.  It is a bond we never will break.You, Georgina and I are so close in our time frame having experienced our loss within a couple of months--and you and I on the same day.     I wish I had the perfect words or the right thoughts but it seems there really are no such things.  Just the chance to share and have someone to listen because every step makes a difference.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...am very happy...very....to hear about the CT scan....that health issue can be helped with a change in diet...my MIL had to quit eating tomatoes...because of the small seeds....I remember her saying it was such a favorite of hers...to eat fresh from the garden and still warm from the sun....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

Wow....I was exhausted yesterday ....I called it the 'Hangover from Pibby's Party'....will post photos...one of the Mom's came to pick up her daughter and she said..'My Mom has missed you so much...when are you going to living again?'..

     Her Mom and I have been friends for many years...and she and I were very involved with the fundraisers for our new Sr. Center that is being built here.....

    when I lost John David...I stopped/cancelled all civic/community/social events/involvement to cocoon....

Thursday night I mulled over what she said....and no....she was not being rude/mean....

 

It brought front row and center to me....how I have changed...and what parts of my 'old' life...the 'before and after' life...the 'this was then - this is now' life.....will I pick up and work into my 'new normal'.....

     I am still trying to find a balance in this new normal....as long as I am contained...within my home...or small circle of certain people....I know I can keep a balance.

Maybe this is 'living' to me now.

[Jeff's Mom]

How true...when I read those poems and words. I am no longer the same person. When  Jeff died he took a piece of my heart with him. That is a forever thing. It will not be whole  until I see him again. And for now.... I try to do the best that I can to get through the days. I try to take each simple little thing that gives some happiness and treasure those small moments. His death forced me to stand still and focus on the meaning of life. Priorities change. And I kind of like the fact that he helped me to see the importance and value of things that I so often took for granted. I feel more empathy and concern for others. I always like to think that I did before. But this is at a different level. I also have less patience for the insignificant whining of trivial stuff by others. Do they honestly stop to think before they talk? Do they know how lucky they are?  This place is where I can talk to my "angels" of comfort... where I can share a bad day and not be criticized or ridiculed for not "getting over it". That is not going to happen. I have crossed over in my own way. My life has been altered dramatically. Death surrounds me. I have come to accept that it is a natural process... and as such.... it is inevitable.  Because of that I also know that life is meant to be lived and treasured. Each day counts.  It is a blessing.

 

Thanks to everyone for your comments regarding my husband. The meds are very strong and are really having an impact. Yet, they are beginning to work. All good stuff! It is a very dreary day and the rain is torrential. I guess it will be good for the trees and plants.

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful Saturday.

 

Love to all, Kate

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Susan,

I understand the 'evolution' we go through. Things that were just don't fit anymore. We have to decide what to keep and what is no longer 'who we are'. Thank you for thinking of me and the Boys. Yes, we will be ok. I was concerned for us too and as a Mother it's one of the worst feelings to not know how you are going to provide a home for your children. I had a lot thrown at me during the deepest part of my grief and I felt at times completely unsure of how or if I was even capable of handling it. I did though and we are here. I stayed trapped in a situation much longer than I should have out of fear of not being capable. I will never ever feel that way again. The boys do love this place. They are happy and I know they are happy to see me happy... especially Zakery who has much more of an idea of what happened and what I went through. He's ready to go 'back to school' instead of online school next year to meet new friends here. I'm so glad for that. He's very social and needs that outlet. Aiden is ecstatic with so much room to run and places to explore. He's taken to having an afternoon nap again because he's outdoors running around so much, which is really nice for me to get things done. We've all gotten into an 'early to bed... early to rise' habit and I am falling asleep so much better. I've not had to have the television on one time to fall asleep since being here. The energy here is so peaceful. 

 

I'm glad Pibby's Birtday was a success and you got some time to recover from the Birthday hangover. 

 

Trista was called Trista Mae... or Sissy, Sis, or Tris. No one really ever just called her Trista. I love the way Trista Mae sounds and Mae is my Grandmother's middle name so of course, she always included it. 

 

Dianne,

Thanks so much for sharing that story. We had a similar experience when my grandfather was passing. He wanted to come home from the hospital. The doctors told him that he may not make it the 30 minute trip. He said he didn't care. As long as he was in the Ambulance and pointed toward home he would be happy. He did make it and my Aunt, who is a nurse, came and stayed and was in charge of his care. We all had a few days with him at home. Just before he passed we all left the room and my grandma and he were alone together. Laying in the dark, he said to her... Can you see the light? and she told him she could not. He said... I wish you could see it too. It's so beautiful... and then he passed. 

 

A few days later, I dreamed of him. It was so real... like a visitation dream. We were in the parking lot of the local grocery store... a place he liked to go and sit with my grandma and us, when we were kids, and have donuts and coffee in the bakery and visit with all the people he knew (which was everyone). He was driving a little red pick up that he'd owned when I was younger, before he retired and inherited my brother, sister, and me, and had to trade it in for a mini-van. He gave me one of his amazing hugs and said... I love you all. I've been watching and you are all going to be ok. It's time for me to go home. He got in the truck and started to drive away. Then I woke up. I just know he was saying goodbye to me... but just goodbye for now. 

 

I've missed him so much and especially with all I've had thrown at me after losing Tris. I've had so many things done by people I cared about and trusted and it would have been so good to have him here with me. He was the rock of the family... the one who made us feel as if everything was going to be ok when the world was crashing around us. Just to have him here to tell some folks in my life that ... If they didn't get their **** in a five pound bag they would have his boot up their ass... well, even though it wouldn't have changed a thing... it sure would have felt good. Sorry for the language but I had to write it exactly as he would have said it. It wouldn't have felt right otherwise. My Grandpa didn't cuss... at all... unless someone hurt one of his. Then watch out. Love you and miss you, Gramps. Hold tight to our Girl until I get there. 

 

Kate,

I just read your post and I agree with all you wrote... the deeper sense of empathy and compassion, new priorities and less tolerence for the insignifigant things and the negitivity of some. I love the pictures... so pretty. I'm really glad your husband is getting better. Sending wishes for continued healing. 

 

I've loved seeing all the flower and garden pictures. I will post Trista's new garden when I find my camera charger... so many boxes to unpack. I won't have much of a garden this year with such a late start but will be busy preparing for next year. I have lots of outside work to do with a property this size that has sat empty for going on three years but it is work I love to do and I am so grateful to have a place to do it! We have so many wild flowers though and it is truly beautiful. 

 

Thank you to all for the blessings and thoughts on our new place. I feel like we've finally found 'home'. I know I make it sound like a fairy tale but to me it is. It is so beautiful and peaceful here but I also see it through rose colored glasses. As I sit on the deck in the evening and watch Aiden chasing fireflies, I see 'Mine'. This is mine. No one else is in control, no one can threaten or bully me by holding anything over my head. Win or lose... for better or worse... this is mine and I will be in charge of our lives here. I did this... with A LOT of help from the Angels and my Sweet Tris. That I know with all my heart. I see her colors everywhere and in everything here. She's definitely with us. 

 

Eileen... and all others dealing with the report and all those really hard things, I'm thinking of you. I couldn't read the report. I started and I just couldn't. My Grandmother read it. I know it hurt her so much to do it but she did it for me. She knew I had questions. She read and told me only what I needed to know. It sits in a box in the closet. 

 

Gretchen, 

Loved the story of Forest's friend 'finding the spot' and what he wrote. Somehow... Sometimes... we do end up just where we're supposed to be. 

 

Dee,

I loved pictures of the flowers and of Erica Elizabeth and Michael. They grow so fast. Thank you for your words on Trista's Angel day. What you wrote touched my heart. 

 

Thinking of all today. I have lots of boxes that are calling my name but I ignored them and took a little break this morning. I'm thinking of everyone here and sending wishes for a peaceful day. 

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

When I first got the call about this house... I was so worried that something would go wrong. I'd already had a few 'perfect places' rented out from under me just before I could get to see them. I practically begged the owner not to let anyone see it until I could get there the next morning. He said... Don't worry... You're "in the circle". Those words stuck in my head. They aren't a typical phrase and for some reason I kept repeating them in my head. I felt like they meant something. I don't know if anyone else has had an experience like that or if I just made myself sound 'weird' but anyway, I googled "in the circle" just to see what up. The very first thing on the page was this song. The music is so beautiful and the lyrics were so perfect... I thought I would share it. Afterward I listened to other songs by Hungry Lucy and I really like them. I shared this song with my Grandma, she said when she sees Tris in her dreams it's always 'in a circle' like she is looking through a tunnel of some sort at her so this song really meant a lot to her too. 

 

The wind will drift and spread the flame
A spark will land inside your heart
You will never be the same
As ashes tear your life apart
Tragedy can make us stronger
But cannot be undone
If you wish it, it will happen
Fates aren't sealed for everyone
It flickers in the circle
A dance of life for you
It's safer in the circle
Where visions remain true
So often people judge those 
That they do not understand
The innocent are dying 
At those judging hateful hands
If only we can show them 
We do not wish them harm
instead we like to live life
Inside each other's open arms
We sparkle in the circle
There's fire in our eyes
So much magic in the circle
We're in need of no disguise
Be with me in the circle
You're always welcome here
It's safer in the circle
But do not bring your fear
I'll meet you in the circle
Within your own good time
I'll be here in the circle
Forever with you interwined

 

https://youtu.be/fwpu-Cmcra8

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, thanks for sharing about the house, such a blessing for you to finally have your own place to call home. Also, thanks for sharing the dream you had of with your Grandfather. Sending you gentle blessings for the day...

 

Today is the anniversary of a special walk that Jesse and I took while in Arizona on our last family vacation in 2012...

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Maybe we could share some pictures of our children this weekend or over the next few days???

[Everly]

OMG, I lost my Mom and am mainly on the other site, but I would love to see pictures of your sweet children!!  Reading everyone's posts here... gives me comfort to see how much you loved your children.  I don't have any kids, so I cannot relate to that love, but I know my Mom could... she loved her kids dearly which is why I am grieving so bad.

 

Hearing your love for your children gives me great comfort that my Mom was happy in her life with her kids... through your writings it helps me to know that she was happy and even though we are left with a deep hole in our life, it gives me some comfort to know her life was filled by her five kids.  However, she too lost a son, my brother committed suicide when he was 19yo, my Mom was 42... I don't know how she did it all.

 

Thank you for sharing, and letting me share on this site... and again, would love to see pics of your sweet kids.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...am glad to hear that the meds are giving him some help....I know that gives you a measure of comfort...and peace.

 

Laurie.....we understand those 'marker dates' that only a parent has....not the birthday or Angelanniversary...but specific dates that are written in concrete across our broken hearts...and in remembering...we feel a healing across our hearts...ever so slightly maybe...when we come to that crossroad where we feel blessed to have had that child and now those memories...

 

I will carry this kind of grief for having been blessed to have had that child on this earth home with me...

there is never enough time...

 

It is a good idea to post our photos....and let the world see those bright smiles and feel the energy of our child...

and that energy never dies...

 

Shannon...I love that song/words....for some reason I do believe you are in a 'circle of light'....where you should be...it is like you were meant to be there....lead to it....divine mapping....divine daughter...

 

My John David...

[tobyfreefoot]

laurie-what a beautiful picture!! everything about it!

 

it will be four years july 3rd i lost my beautiful son, forest. here is a picture of the last 3 years Remembering Forest picnic and decorating event  i annually post this video his friend susan made in his memory. so here is my "picture" for the weekend picture post. note he is playing peach which is on his memorial as is the radish he throws here. you can see it at the bottom of the center picture. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xl9BkHehbWQ  much love to everyone. 

[tobyfreefoot]

here is a beautiful video my friend made from the song there's a light by malford milligan. it has my favorite pic of forest just waking up at the end.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RasneIizZhk

 

and here is a picture taken 2 weeks before forest's death

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanks for sharing Gretchen...many of our children 'passed' in the summer....

I have always been a 'summer' girl....in fact...age has not taken that shine from that season...til....August 2012....

now...starting in June...I seem to have an inner time clock...remembering his last summer...countdown time has come..

John David and Jeremy...Port Aransas...1987

John David and Hunter Bear...Port Aransas..2011

John David, Hunter Bear and Me...Port Aransas...2011

[Mermaid Tears]

I so miss Margaret Ann....a Triple Crown Winner.....we always watched the races together....

 

John David and Randa....

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, I'm wondering if there Is any way that we could post the video that Wade made for us from a couple of years ago. I know that many do not have pictures of their children... as they are newer. He did such a wonderful job and took so much time to put it together. Thanks.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Laurie,

I love the idea of posting pictures. I remember that one of Jesse. I really love it. He seems so at home the outdoors. I agree with Susan about all those special memories and marker dates. Forever it will be Before and After and I would think... at this time two years ago and now I will think at this time three years ago... but we have those precious memories to hold on to. 

 

Susan,

Summer is different now, especially June for me. That countdown starts around Mother's Day. I love the pictures of John David. The beach pictures look like such a perfect time together. 

 

Gretchen, 

That picture of Forest, I swear he looks like a movie star and whenever I see the video he just seems like someone so fun to be around. 

 

Here are two of my favorites of my Trista Mae ( I think every picture I have is a favorite because each is a piece of her story)

 

 

 

This is the first picture (a selfie) taken after her braces came off. She took it in the car on the way home from the orthodontist. She was so excited to have them off. 

 

 

This one was taken by me the winter before. She wanted to go out sledding on the hill and I took my camera. It was one of the rare times she allowed me to take a close up picture of her and she actually smiled while her braces were still on. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks for sharing....All the pictures are so nice to see...and the videos....

 

I believe this is the video

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh geez...Laurie..thank you...more than thank you...I hope it is on the site tomorrow...I just cannot see it all now...I know that you and Wade will understand...I promise to be stronger tomorrow...xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thank you so much for posting Wade's video.  And a huge thanks to Wade for taking the time to put it together. I had to smile through the tears as I watched it. These kids were definitely having the time of their lives in the photos. Gretchen , your Forest always brings a smile to my face...as do all of the other kids. Heaven must be quite the place with all of that positive energy.  Laurie, Jesse was something else hugging that cactus! Ouch!!!  Shannon, Trista was such a sweet kid. I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of the new garden you plant at your new home.

 

Thanks everyone for sharing videos and pictures. Kate

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

Moving forward does not mean Moving Away...

 

 

I saw this on FB and thought of you, Wade.....maybe it was a breakthrough for another parent....

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

The video was so touching. Such beautiful, beautiful children having such a great time. Thanks for sharing it.

 

I've attached pictures of Stephen...as a child, at college graduation, and about a year and a half ago.

 

I miss him most on Sundays. We'd usually talk on the phone in the afternoon.....

 

 

Karen

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Karen, noticed the bike shop Cafe in the background of the picture of your son, Jesse would have loved that! Was Stephen visiting it? Also, thanks for sharing the poem on the other thread in this forum on songs and poetry...

 

I viewed the videos last night, so many highlights of our children's lives...Gretchen, I have always liked that photo of Forest....

 

Shannon, enjoyed seeing Trista Mae as a Winter Girl...

 

Susan, it seems like so many pictures of your John David are always with family, nephews, nieces. I love the pictures of him by the ocean....

 

Kate, glad I could find the video, yes, thank you to Wade for all the work you did in putting it together...say Dee's Erica hanging from the tree having a great time in it..

 

Sherry, thinking of you today...

 

Anyone new here, please feel free to post and share...

 

[ktlearn--Stephen's Mom]

Laurie,

 

Yes, in that picture by the Bike Shop Cafe....all my kids flew in for Thanksgiving (2013), and we were all together in that historic part of Missouri when I took the picture of Stephen.

 

He always wore that green hoodie...in fact, I mentioned the "infamous green hoodie" when I spoke at his memorial service.

 

I also snapped that picture of him because he had never had a beard before. When he and his sister got off the plane a couple of days before, I walked right past him and asked his sister, "Why didn't your brother get on the plane with you?"

 

Stephen had just finished telling her, "Watch...I bet Mom walks right by me!"

 

Ha, ha. I did!

 

P.S. The bike shop is on a "rails to trails" bike trail that extends halfway across Missouri. Did Jesse like to ride?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Karen, yes he was a bicyclist enthusiast and had planned some outdoor ventures with that in mind.

[TearsInHeaven]

To have heard so many stories and finally see everyone's beautiful children was so special.  I have attempted to add some pictures of Michael.  One was from his college days and he and MrT became friends.  One of his friend's dad was friends with Mr. T and he took all the roommates to LA for a weekend of college football.  I included one of Michael at his sister's wedding and one at his softball game.  Not sure about whether they will show or not but hopefully. Like you all on your sides, I miss him so.

 

 

[wgreenlee]

I have been really busy with "stuff" so I have missed so much on here.  I will create another video this week to add our new angels.  If you post pictures I will save them to my computer like I have been or you can send them to my email...wade405@yahoo.com.  If you have favorite music let me know and I will add that too.  This is good grief-work for me and I am more than honored to be part of your angels' lives.  I too think with our connection that our children are together.  

 

Renea and I are heading out to Las Vegas today to see her brother and then on to Minnesota with our families.  Then I journey on to Alaska again for the whole month of July to commercial salmon fish on the Cook Inlet.  Renea was fortunate to get a whole month of work at the Juvenile Detention Center so she feels better about me being away.  I wasn't going to go, but then we thought she could come up for a couple of weeks.  Now, this is good because we both will be busy, even though we will be apart.  I need that wide open ocean and the peacefulness it brings to renew my commitment to Brooks that "I will be ok."

 

For those new who I have not met...I am so sorry you are here...but this is the best place I know to grieve and share.  There is hope and I found it here.  Please share your children with me and I will honor them on the video.  The other video brings tears to my eyes every time, but seeing Brooks with all our angels constantly demonstrates the connection I feel here.  It does make me feel better knowing Brooks is with awesome people in heaven.  Sounds goofy, but it is what I feel and it makes this journey much more bearable.  With all the faith I have I think God is allowing us that connection for He knows our grief and how amazing our children lived their lives.

 

With all the steps forward I had last week there were a few backwards again.  One of Brooks' friends called me and wanted his number as he wasn't getting in touch with him.  Of course, reliving all those times when I had to tell people my son had passed made it seem like it just happened again.  I think that must be the same with everyone.  It could have just happened last week... I see myself in Rod's garage constructing Brooks' casket, and I can only think, "How could this be happening?"

 

And I lost Brooks' quarter I had been carrying around with me since I first picked up his truck where he was killed.  He had left me a quarter and a nickel and I had kept them in my pocket ever since.  I was frantic about it, but I lost it outside and just couldn't find it.  For crying out loud, it was only 30 cents... Why should something like that be so traumatic? I have since gone and checked a few more times but "nothing."  I remembered every thing about that quarter...the feel of it...the dinged edges... I don't know if I ever told this, but when I went to pick up his truck I turned on the radio and it was Renea's favorite Christian station.  Brooks was so into the rap that I find comfort knowing the last thing he listened to was God's music...

 

Brooks' phone finally kicked out on me so I had to get a new one.  It's screen was cracked, but Brooks had a Voxer message he sent to Shauna right after it happened so it was "his" crack.  I go back often and listen to his voice, and am always thankful I have those memories.

 

Dang, this grief-work is hard, but I will be ok...WE will be ok.

 

Heading over to see Brooks now before we leave.  I know his friends will visit him when we are gone...

 

Love and hope to all of you!!!

[Sholl1955]

Hi all. 

I don't know how to post pictures, but have so enjoyed the pictures of everyone's children..   I  found it amazing how many I recognized from being on this site.   It is like being part of a very special family.  We have never met, but know each other and our children.  While none of us would choose to have to be here, I am thankful for the support from everyone on this site... 

 

Have a restful evening.

 

Sandy