Loss of an Adult Child

[MissKylie]

I wish to say Happy New year but i know how hard to understand the meaning  of those words now.

 

Few hours from now will be my daughter's first year in heaven, it was January 1st when we lost her.

 

Thanks to everyone in this site who helped me to get through this year.

 

Susan, Dee, Laura, Sherry, Kate, Ted, Steve's mom,  Sandy, Colleen, Shannon, Lora, Wade.. and all others ..forgive me if I wasn't able to thank you enough.

 

 

 

My dear Kylie, i wish you watch over me tonight.

 

Kylie's Mom- Mommy Cherry

[Guest]

Cherry, thinking of you and your family, for tomorrow and holding you close.  Kylie holds a special place in my heart with all of the angels I have met here on this site.  

 

[ericasmom]

KYLIE Sweetest Little Angel, you have been heavenward for one year, your Momma misses you each and every day. We know that you are proud of the strength she has found to move forward, knowing that forward never means forgetting. You are with her each day as she is with you. We know you are loving your family in ways we cannot see but feel instead. Blessings to you beautiful One.

 

Cherry, we are holding you close.

[Mermaid Tears]

Cherry......we are all on the same page as Lora....your Kylie has touched our hearts and kissed our spirits....that smile can go for miles....

     I know we as parents want answers to our questions....at the beginning we have a 1,000 questions....and then we come to the part on the grief journey where we have only 'ONE' question....'Is My Child Doing Well?'.....

    for we never ever leave the parent's heart behind....we are geared to care and protect our child and see to their well being...

    I remember when it dawned on me that 'having a baby' does not create the 'Mother'....it is the 'doing'...feeding...getting up every 3 hours...bathing...holding..and all that goes into caring for that baby...the sacrifices...

    I told people that if someone put a baby on my doorstep and I 'took care' of that baby....that baby was 'mine'....

 

When our child is lifted to their first home...and is not in the earth home.....a parents heart...arms..habit of caring...and all that goes into raising that child.....it is still a part of our lives....and we don't know where to put all the energy of caring...

  and all we want to know is...'Is My Child Being Cared For'.....

 

I will pray that your Kylie will let you know she is being cared for in the Arms of God/Mother/Father of the Universe...and you will find some peace....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

Please remind yourself...and to 'self care' yourself...

[Tbearw58]

Thank you all for the love and caring, I get to have my gandaughter today and for 3 days love her so much. Had a dream today right before I woke up Nick was getting breakfast in the kitchen and I had a conversation with him and told him I miss his hugs so he gave me a big hug and I said I love you then woke up I think it is a great way to end this year for me dreaming of a big hug from my Angel. I hope all of you here new and old can find some comfort in the coming new year. for me I will always cry and hurt missing my son Nick, but with that said I go on knowing it is what he would want for me. Love and hugs to all of you today and all days in the new year to come.

[Mermaid Tears]

Ted....I had a 'visitation' dream from John David....it was an amazing experience...and so different from a 'dream'...and when I get real....real low and beyond sad...I remember the dream....and every time it brings a warmth to my heart and a smile to my spirit....

    So....hold that dream close....it could have been a visitation dream....and the end of my dream of John David...we hugged, too.....

  Am so glad you get this time with your GRANDdaughter....those little hands have a lot of healing....

[Mermaid Tears]

We were talking about skiing the other day.....passing this photo I received.....this is my handsome GRANDson, Hunter Bear...they are in Lake Tahoe.....will be home on the 2nd....

[ericasmom]

He looks like the cover of a Ralph Loren Ad. SO handsome.

[ericasmom]

TED, so fabulous that Nick came to you and you could let him know how you miss him and that he gave you a hug. That sounds like a visit to me and on the day that starts a 3 day visit with your Grand girl? I would say that Nick is letting you know that he is always with you and proud proud proud of his Daddy.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Dee....as you know....all GRANDchildren compliments are golden words...

[tobyfreefoot]

finally out of bed. thanks for your well wishes. just took this cute picture of one of our cats-pippi- and she lives up to here name, sleeping on her sheep.

i have been trying to reach the girl i worked with. i always liked her though most people didn't. she was a little unusual but sweet as can be.  her son lived with her. he was 26. his father also committed suicide. a mutual friend contacted me from california to tell me she had called and asked her to find me and ask for prayers. i know you all have her in your thoughts.

got some pics moved on to the computer today.  here is the candlelighting for our babies earlier this month.

for those of you new to this site i found my first new year's hard to let go of the last year my son was alive.  it is easier now. another year further from him or maybe closer to him...i don't know.  i'm so sorry, i wish i had answers for you. as my son said...it is what it is.  that isn't much comfort. thinking of you all.

i wish i was going to be with my kids or grandkids tonight but bobby is off and we will light a fire while i continue to get well. love to you all. here are pics of my grandies also.

[tobyfreefoot]

ted-i just read your dream visit.i am so happy for you!!

 

my new year's wish for all to have a dream like yours!  MUCH LOVE

[daveydow1]

KYLIE.....SWEET    ANGEL   KYLIE.....REMEMBERING YOU, DEAR CHILD.

Cherry----Thinking about you & your angel, and sending thoughts & prayers.

 

 

Dee----So nice that you encouraged your kids to learn to ski.  Some parents

could try to dissuade their children from skiing, due to their own personal fears.

I'm sure Jon and ERi  enjoyed their experience very much, and became

good at it, too.  While being afraid of heights....I never tried snow skiing, but did

take quite well to waterskiing in the past.   .   No big plans for tonight...New Years Eve..

for us.  Husband & I will enjoy a quiet evening at home with snacks & a movie.

Any special plans to celebrate, for you?  

 

Ted----I'm so glad that you had that wonderful dream of your son, Nick,  and the

greeting & hugs that you experienced.  Dreams like this are what we parents

all hope for. I'm sure you wouldn't trade that dream for anything.  Whenever the

dreams (or other signs) come......they are treasures to hold next to our hearts.

 

Susan----You are so right......those lovely dreams & connections we have with our

dear children, who left this world too soon, are held tight and they are like our little

"dream library"  where we can go and 'check out'  the warm inspiring memory....filled

with love.  We can get the memory & feeling of the connection anytime we like.....no one

can take these golden treasures from us.  They are ours forevermore.

 

 

Gretchen---

Thanks for the lovely pics.

 

PEACE , TRANQUILITY,  AND  A  SOFTER   NEW   YEAR , TO   ALL   INDIGOS. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

 

   

[Steve s mom]

Happy New Year everyone.

[Steve s mom]

sorry forgot to attach

[Jeff's Mom]

Ted, so happy to hear that you had a dream visit! How is your cold?

 

Cherry, it was great to hear from you again. Goodness, has a full year already gone by? I will be thinking of you and your family over the next few days and sending love and prayers.

 

Susan, that is one good looking young man on those skis. Sarah is a real dare devil with absolutely no fear of heights whatsoever. She always loves to push the envelope. Her younger sister is much more subdued. Dee, you have the right idea there. Our son has always encouraged the girls to try just about everything at least once. Once again, I have to say that those babies of yours are absolutely precious.

 

Sherry, same thing here. A quiet night planned. Last night spent eating toast and drinking tea. I am having gallbladder problems and looking forward to having the darned thing dealt with for once and for all. We have started to watch House of Cards with Kevin Spacey. I gather we have missed two seasons so far and have a lot to catch up on. Maybe we will watch a program and then the New Years Eve Gala from Lincoln Center. The conductor is Bramwell Tovey who was the conductor for the WSO for several years before moving to Vancouver.

 

I always love seeing the photos that are posted by everyone! Thanks for sharing.

 

Wishing everyone a better New Year. Love to all. Kate

 

 

 

 

 

[shorty16]

I want to wish all my Beyond Indigo friends a happy and Healthy 2015.

For some, the loss is new and the pain is so raw. For you, I send a special hug of understanding. Please know you are not alone. We are here to offer guidance on what to expect. You are not going crazy, you are grieving.

For those, like me, who have been on this journey for almost 7 years, I wish continued growth and understanding of what our life is now, because of the death of our child.

For all, please smile. our kids are so happy, warm, not sick anymore, and they do see us and are around us.

Love

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

Wishing you each a Happy New Year.    This site and each of you have become like family to me.  None of us want to have to be here but I don't know how I would get through some of the days that going down this road requires without the support and encouragement that is found here.  

 

Kate, my mom is in rehab right now and she is not liking physical therapy at all.   She is being a bit ornery and keeping the staff on their toes.   Kelly caught the nasty flu last Saturday and I now have it.  He is not feeling as bad as he did, which makes it a little easier caring for him as well as myself.  This is an ugly strain and present over most of the country.  When I worked in urgent care for 20 years I never caught the flu but now that I have been away from the front lines for 2 years..............   Everyone take care and try to stay away from it if you can, and don't forget frequent handwashing!       Our temps have turned colder but I think that is good, maybe it will kill some of these stubborn germs.

 

It is about an hour until the new year.  Warm thoughts and blessings to all.

 

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, just got home an hour ago from a wedding of a dear friend of my Daughter. It was lovely. It is very very cold here, yikes.

Kate thanks for the grandchildren compliments. Gallbladder, what a drag Kiddo, sorry.

Speaking of that Gretchen, the photos of the little ones are precious as is the photo of Your Boy. Prayers for the woman you spoke of.

Lora, wishing you a good and peaceful year.

Sherry, a nice quiet evening sounds great.

Maryanne, peace to you Sweetie.

Sandy, I wish you and Kelly to feel much better real quickly.

Colleen it is good to see you here tonight.

 

I hope and pray that the new year bring some solace to your lives some peace and knowledge that our Babies are more than fine now.

[MissKylie]

Hello,

 

Thank you all for all your sweet thoughts and prayers for  my dearest Kylie. Seems like yesterday when I last held her hand and kissed her cheeks. Sometimes I'd wail like a baby and sometimes, I felt numb.

 

Good to know you attended a wedding Dee. Inspite that my friends know am grieving, they never stopped inviting me to parties. Which at times, i'd deliberately decline. But one of them asked me to attend their wedding. It helps a lot to have people to support and understand as nobody would like to be with a downer, but they continue to just be there.

 

Ted, thanks for sharing your dream visitation with Nick. Our love to our children extends beyond this world and having a dream visit from them really means a lot. My daughter would also visit me sometimes. There are days that she'd just sit and smile, waiting for me to recognize her and come to her..And i'd tell her, "thank you for visiting me, i thought you already forget about me" and she'd just smile and give me a hug.

 

 

Lora, Cara's mom, I really love the collage you made for my girl. I posted it in my facebook and made it as my wallpaper in my office laptop. Whenever people ask me how many children i have, i'd still respond, two. one baby boy with me, and 5- year old girl in heaven. And then, other moms would admire my strength , but if they only knew that we have no choice but to remain strong as it's the only way to rightfully be with our children again, to be with them in heaven.

 

 

Sherry, Kate, yes, it's been a year. It's really hard and i'd stop thinking about the time and focus on the moments we shared together. The bond of mother and daughter. I tossed a coin in the wishing well, that when it's my time I want to be with her.

 

Susan, thanks for sharing the picture of your handsome hunterbear.

 

Last night, i dreamt of Kylie's floral shoulder bag, the kind of bag that little girls would bring back and forth with their girlie stuffs. It's pink and floral and I opened the zipper to put her crayons inside. I wonder what that dream meant, But it seems like she wants to tell me that she loves me and still remember our love.

 

Love and peace to all,

 

Kylie's mommy- Mommy Cherry

 

 

 

 

[MissKylie]

Hello,

 

Thank you all for all your sweet thoughts and prayers for  my dearest Kylie. Seems like yesterday when I last held her hand and kissed her cheeks. Sometimes I'd wail like a baby and sometimes, I felt numb.

 

Good to know you attended a wedding Dee. Inspite that my friends know am grieving, they never stopped inviting me to parties. Which at times, i'd deliberately decline. But one of them asked me to attend their wedding. It helps a lot to have people to support and understand as nobody would like to be with a downer, but they continue to just be there.

 

Ted, thanks for sharing your dream visitation with Nick. Our love to our children extends beyond this world and having a dream visit from them really means a lot. My daughter would also visit me sometimes. There are days that she'd just sit and smile, waiting for me to recognize her and come to her..And i'd tell her, "thank you for visiting me, i thought you already forget about me" and she'd just smile and give me a hug.

 

 

Lora, Cara's mom, I really love the collage you made for my girl. I posted it in my facebook and made it as my wallpaper in my office laptop. Whenever people ask me how many children i have, i'd still respond, two. one baby boy with me, and 5- year old girl in heaven. And then, other moms would admire my strength , but if they only knew that we have no choice but to remain strong as it's the only way to rightfully be with our children again, to be with them in heaven.

 

 

Sherry, Kate, yes, it's been a year. It's really hard and i'd stop thinking about the time and focus on the moments we shared together. The bond of mother and daughter. I tossed a coin in the wishing well, that when it's my time I want to be with her.

 

Susan, thanks for sharing the picture of your handsome hunterbear.

 

Last night, i dreamt of Kylie's floral shoulder bag, the kind of bag that little girls would bring back and forth with their girlie stuffs. It's pink and floral and I opened the zipper to put her crayons inside. I wonder what that dream meant, But it seems like she wants to tell me that she loves me and still remember our love.

 

Love and peace to all,

 

Kylie's mommy- Mommy Cherry

 

 

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, it is good to hear that your mom is now in rehab. Being a bit ornery is also a good thing in this case. It just shows she is fighting to get better. Remember my story about Helen and the go to we had with her? Never underestimate the power of the human spirit and the will to live. Sorry that you have come down with this awful flu bug. I imagine that you are quite run down with the stress and worry of your Mom and Kelly. Now it is time to take good care of yourself. That's an order!!!! You know the routine...rest, plenty of fluids, etc.

 

Cherry, the pictures of Kylie were adorable. What a sweet little girl. I am glad you are feeling surrounded by the love and support of friends. That is so helpful and does help tremendously to give us strength along this journey.

 

Dee, a New Year Eve wedding. How lovely. I am sure it was beautiful. I remember many years ago when we were at University a couple that were friends of ours were married on Christmas Eve.... in the small chapel  on campus. The night was magic. The bridesmaids wore lovely dark green dresses and the chapel was decorated with red and white poinsettias. It was a perfect setting.

 

Wishing everyone a year that is filled with peace.  Dee... you are correct in that out children are more than fine now.  Love to all. Kate

 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

 

for some reason when i saw this last night in the novel i was reading it struck me as my new year's resolution. somehow i will look and find peace and happiness in the simple lovely things in life if even for a short moment of everyday to make my life worth living and my son, Forest Sharp know that in spite of my grief that i will live my life to the fullest, the best that i can. unless you have lost a child you can't possibly understand the strength it takes to make yourself take another breath. tragedy does not take away our blessings but unfortunately blessings also don't take away the pain, we have to battle that ourselves and each find our own way. my wish for all of you this year is that you are able to find if even briefly, everyday, joy in living. i love you all.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I am so happy to read that you found a way to live with more joy and purpose. Wonderful.

 

photo of husband and me from the wedding...

[Amber'sMom]

Happy New Year everyone! I'm very new here and don't know exactly what to say but I love reading all of your posts and seeing pics. You encourage me and I thank you for that. My prayer is for God to richly bless you all.

                                                 Love to you all,

                                                                   Sandy, Amber's Mom

[ericasmom]

Amber's Mom, how are you today? Tell us more about Amber and about you when you feel up to it. I am so sad that Amber met with violence. Sadness for you all.

My girl Erica died at age 19 11.5 years ago now. Her car was struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We are sprinkled along a timeline here, and each of us have our hand out to give you a lift whenever you need. Never worry about who is who as you will begin to know us by our Child's name and our posts. For now just read and post when you like. I am glad that your being here feels like the right place.

[flocicero]

Happy new year to all, hope you had a better day. I finally forced myself out for a walk with my two pups, I have 3 bichons but the oldest can't go for walks anymore. It was so good to be out & actually exercising a bit, my legs ache! I went from doing spinning classes 5-6 days a week before Michael passed to 4 months of barely getting out of bed; amazing how quickly one can decondition as one gets older.

I may actually sleep tonight. I also got my hair done this week too- felt good after 4 months of neglect. Michael visited me in my dreams a couple nights ago, it was wonderful. We were all together with his dad & younger brother doing what we loved to do best as a family, cooking up an Italian feast! He looked so happy, smiling his beautiful smile- I miss him so desperately, sometimes I'm not sure if I really grasp that I will never see him again especially if I'm having a better day. I don't know how to explain that. Going to bed a little earlier tonight, hoping to have a more restful sleep. Good night all.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Last night, another teen, this one a 19 year old boy, was hit and killed as he rode his skateboard, pronounced dead at the scene. This was in Dover, DE, and already there are stupid people commenting on the news report, blaming this boy when we don't know all the facts yet!! Makes me ill. I had to comment as some were just rude and ignorant!

 

http://bit.ly/1I2vPLN

 

Here were a couple of the remarks posted:

 

Craig Lindsey And who can do anything about an 19 year old adult who decides to skateboard in black clothing on a risks with no shoulder. As sad as it is the young man determined his own fate.

Like · 9 hrs

David Hunt New laws are not necessary. Eventually the laws of Darwin will stop it

Like · 1 · 8 hrs

• he family involved, again it's a painful call to get. Other parents please teach your children where to ride and to be safe. Don't always take the right of way. Sorry for your loss.

  Like · Reply · 10 hours ago
  • 

     

    David Hunt He was 19. He didn't need to be supervised

     

    Keith MacFarland It's sad for the family. My condolences. . But when will people start THINKING.. night its dark. Don't dress BLACK with no lights and reflective material on. Smh..

    Like · Reply · 4 · 9 hours ago

     

I wrote:

 

I am a grieving mom of a 15 year old boy lost in this way three years ago, and am once again appalled at the heartless comments found here. People are so quick to assume this young man must have been doing something wrong, and that is not necessarily true, in DE, a skateboarder is considered a 'vunerable user', the same as riding a bike or on a farm vehicle, they are supposed legally to ride in the lane of traffic, and drivers should be responsible for what's in front on them, as they are the 4000+ lb. vehicle with HEADLIGHTS. DSP will report anything less than WHITE as dark clothing, when they should also be looking at driver inattention, and to possible impairment as reasons. My heart goes out to his family and friends, and my prayer is that he is resting in paradise.

 

What is wrong with people? 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...thanks for sharing..... am always in 'wonder' about people that get married on a holiday....but...for Christmas and New Year the flowers and magic are already in place....I had a friend that got married on the 4th of July....because she wanted her husband to remember their anniversary......you two look as if you wear your 'Joy' well....

 

Becky....once again as many parents on this site know.....how heartless some people can be.....

   and 'we just wait for the karma to kick in'....

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Cherry, I'm sorry I missed Kylie's Angel Day. I know how hard those days are. I hope you felt the love of your sweet girl all around you. She has touched my heart too.

Ted, I love that you had that dream visit from Nick. I'm so glad he was able to show you that he's close.

Aiden is doing much better. Other than a little head congestion he's back to his old self again. Now I'm sick. I got through New Year's Eve with the kids. I had a lot of fun things planned. We had a count down poster and each hour they got to peel a tab to see the activity for that hour. We made noise makers, hats and masks and had a ballon dance party and a glow dance party as well as a costume parade. The kids all had a blast. Yesterday (was it only yesterday? It feels like days ago) I woke up sick sick sick. I spent the whole day in bed. Thank goodness my Grandma was here to help with the kids. It feels like the flu. Today I'm up. Not moving well but moving. Hopefully the worst is over. I have to wonder about the timing of illness sometimes. Influenza A is going around. But it's like I pushed my self so hard to get through the holidays and as soon it was over my body said 'ok! You're done and you're going to rest whether you want to or not.' I feel like I've slept more in 24 hours than I have in a year.

Sending hugs and love to everyone today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....the same thing happened to me on John David's Angelversary....I was fine....all day....and then...went out to dinner and 'IT' hit me....no one else got sick like me...and I think it was the inner anxiety..grief...sadness I was holding in finally burst open....it was almost bizarre....

 

 

I have been in a 'holding state'.....today I realized that I just didn't want to face another year ahead of me without my boy..but...if the Rolling Stones had been playing across my street ...I would not have gone..that is how listless I have felt..but we gather together what faith and strength and stamina we can muster...and carry on....and put one foot ahead of the other on the journey...and hold hands with the ones that walk in our shoes....

[Steve s mom]

I like many of us here seem to be having a hard time this new years.This will be the 4 th new year without him.

Yesterday I didn't get out of bed untill after 2pm.i was determined not to go into this year yet another year without him.i guess I thought if I didn't get up he would have more time to visit me to come with me ,into this new year.although he has visited me in dreams many times he has not done so recently.

Finally I reluctantly got up and when I checked Facebook I saw they needed help that day to search for a little pup lost during a break in

I called and found they needed to borrow a large live trap to try to get him ,I have one I lent them.Steve would have been right there helping if he were here and to think if I didnt finally get up I would have lost my chance to help doing as Dee said standing where he can no longer stand I have to resolve to try to carry on for him in his place no matter how hard or painful .Today I was feeling sick and went to work but came home in a few hours ,I don't feel like going in Monday even if I am better.i am having a very hard time now trying to continue on another year without him ,I hope he will come visit me again soon and give me the strength to go on,for him

[Steve s mom]

Deleted

[InHeavensKeeping]

Thank you Susan and Dee it was absolutely awful. Every detail is there how the lorry hit him what happened to him where he landed.

I felt sick to my stomach They even gave us the post mortum results in a sealed evevlop and advised us not to look. From what I can gather he was trying to cross the road and misjudged the speed of the lorry. None will know as the only person there was one who hit him who had a solicitor present when he wrote his statement.

It's juat such a waste of a beautiful precious human being why? I can't do this I'm not strong like all of you I don't want to live I this pain I haven't had any dreams where he visits me. I don't feel him around me I'm so consumed with the loss of him and grief.

We now have the inquest to deal with where we can ask questions and have to decide who we want there. There were witnesses who drove by at 60 mph but all of their statements were conflicting. I'm trying to be strong but I just want to give up.

Love to you all Georgina x

[ericasmom]

Georgina, I don't want you to feel that you are alone, we were all in those same days, stuck in a place we no longer fit, not wanting to be here. Not feeling strong, just wanting to go away, vanish. But all of us kept going forth mostly because there is something in us that lets us know that our Babies don't want us to leave now, we are still here, there are reasons that we are still here. Nothing hurts more than this Georgina, it zaps us from the inside out adn nobody blames you for not wanting to go on but we urge you to try. Even if it means just staring out the window each day, because eventually, I promise, eventually there will be something out that window that catches your interest, your heart might smile a bit, it may be something you have seen a million times before, but somehow one day, it will catch you and bring you back just a tiny bit. Will you be the same old girl? Nope, you will be you with new features and some of who you were will be hidden or even gone. It's okay, because you are still here and so you will find out who you will become in this new place, the place nobody wanted to be. We walk along with you knowing the pain and ache of your soul. Many folks did not have dreams that first year, some not until much later but you likely will. Tell us more if it so moves you to do so. Tell us about your Sweet lovely Boy.

 

Maryanne, how wonderful of you to go find a cause in which to help. You helped and you could feel that Steven is happy with you and for you. Sometimes finding a tiny way to enter the world is all we need to find yet another way.

Maryanne, what kind of work do you do? Is there a way to do a new job in your company or to add some kind of volunteer work to your week. something that would give you that sense of goodness?  Cooking for a soup kitchen or working at a food pantry?Tutoring young ones? Walking dogs for the local shelter? Reading to patients in hospital? I just wonder if there isn't something out there to help you find a new way to live.

[ericasmom]

Becky I am sorry that you are revisiting that terrible anguish that the family is experiencing now that their young man died. I imagine that one day they may very much like to talk with you. I am always amazed by the horrid comments that folks feel inclined to post after a tragic accident. I stopped reading them because it zaps my hope for humanity and really there is more good in the world than not so I choose to not allow myself to look for their obnoxious manner. I like what you posted however.

 

Susan and Kate, yes the wedding was beautiful. Karolyn always knew she wanted to teach school and to dress like a princess at her wedding. She is a fabulous kindergarten teacher, the epitome of great, and she was a beautiful princess on her special day. Lovely. I have known Karolyn since she was 3 or 4, and she and Erica were very close. Her daddy went to high school with Erica and Jonathan's daddy, so I have known the family since I was in my early 20's. The 20 ft tall decorated trees at the reception added to the glitz that Karolyn wanted. She is one of those efficient planners.

a photo of she and her dad, Rick.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, it certainly has been a while since I last stopped in to say hello. I echo what Dee, Sherry, Kate have to say, You Are Not Alone. For all the new parents/grandparents/friends/family that are posting or reading, I am sorry for the loss of your dear child. We are at a place in life that we never could have imagined , our worst nightmare, but as hard as it is now to even fathom, the road you now walk will become smoother, life will go on , you will smile again one day. You have found a spot to sit and chat, pace and scream, cry and feel a little on the crazy side at times,and  this is the place to come to and share. 

 

My son Richard died on January 18, 2009. HE died in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia , an anomaly in his right descending artery. For those of you waiting for a coroner report, I feel your pain. We want answers and hope to find something in that dreaded report. It may answer some questions. It may not. I know the wait is hard.

 

 Dee and Sherry, I logged on one day and read that you both were having dental work. I was home reading because I was also having dental work, 4 teeth. Not a pleasant experience and not completed yet. I think the pain med's made things worse. yuk. 

 

Becky, I was down your way last week. I have been feeling out of sorts. I usually pull myself up by my boot straps but have been down since around Halloween. Not down every day nor all day but a time that was difficult. Right after Christmas me and Sarah took a ride to Assateague National Seashore, over and under the Chesapeake Bridge Tunnel, on to Virginia Beach for 2 days. It was nice and there were a lot of people out and about. On the ride home we stopped at Chincoteague and climbed the path to the light house. 

 

​This is the route along 13 on the Delaware/Maryland/Virginia coast for those that don't know. ​I felt better after having the ocean wind blow my hair back some. On the way home I missed the exit for 13. Sarah took out a phone and we twisted and turned along the small country roads. We passed Ralphs Road and of course I thought of Carol and Ralph and Mike. I looked for Jared and his message on a road sign but did not see him. 

 

So I will continue on and try to keep a positive outlook. I think I forgot that the day or minute or second that was dragging me down was just that and would pass on by if I continued to step forward. 

 

I miss my son very much yet he is OK. He is shining somewhere and at times I see a glimpse of him. Christmas Day I gave Sarah the watch I bought Rich for his HS graduation.She is the watch wearer . I thought she could change the band if she wished. I wrapped it in red tissue paper, not as a Christmas present. As I handed it to her I said, " I do not want to make you sad. This is from Rich". She was pleased as far as I could tell. She misses him . We all do.

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Steves Mom.....please hold my hand as you and I figure out a way to go on...and on...and on....for I know that my John David would want me to go on...and your son,
Steve....would figure out some way for you and I to do go on....maybe elementary...maybe their way...or ours....but some way...I just know this....will let you know if I ever figure it out...or have an answer....

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Betsy....

[tobyfreefoot]

georgina-we are not all stronger than you believe me.  i still have those moments in my day where going on seems really pointless and i can't do it another minute. but it will get easier, i know maybe you are like me,  i didn't even want to hear that. i felt if it got better maybe i wasn't missing him or loving him as much. it isn't true sweetheart.  you will always miss him and love him as much but one day (i think dee calls it growing your heart) that overwhelming grief will find a place to live inside without completely weighing down your soul every second or bursting out of your throat and eyes without warning. it will make living with it always easier because it will always be there. i was sure it couldn't get better because nobody could love their baby as much as i loved, love mine. and it actually hasn't gotten better, we, it and i, have learned to hold our relationship closer, quieter and i am learning to live outside of myself.  the inside me is a different person than i was before. somehow my relationship between my son, my grief and myself are melding into something that are me.  it is not going to be going on without him i don't think. maybe more like he is becoming one with me.  i know this is rambling and stupid sounding i just want you to hang on. our hearts are with you and know the depths of this pain.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Betsy, you were not far from me! Ralph's Rd. is only a mile from here. Sure wish I had known, I would have guided you in! I haven't been down to those beaches in years, but have fond memories.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, so good to read your words tonight. SO good to know you are out there finding beauty to fill your soul and affirms the connection to Rich and Sarah and the natural world. Peace Kiddo.HOpe the dental work gets done soon, it is exhausting and icky.

 

Gretchen, not stupid or silly sounding at all. Mine will never be a life without my Girl, she rides along wherever I am, tucked safely into every cell of me and 11 years later, I know that I will always have two children, and not a day goes by that I don't speak to her and of her. We do find ways to meld it all in, we grow our hearts to make room for the grief which I picture sitting right next to the joys. There is room.

[TearsInHeaven]

We did my son/s memorial last Saturday ad it was actually a momentary comfort.  So many of his friends came and cried with us and told old stories from their high school and college days.  But then it was back to reality. The grief seems even worse now then in the beginning.  I feel like such a sissy.   There are so many parents who lose young children  and at least mine had more years of life.  But I can't help this, I feel so lost.  Everything feels like it is just in another dimension.  I am reading the grief books and can relate to a lot of what they say but that is not really helping.  I get through the days- easier when I work--  but tears are always sitting waiting to bubble up and over.  I guess this is the way it is for now.

 

[ericasmom]

Dianne, you are so not a sissy. The pain does get worse, it will for some time because every few weeks and months the shock that has protected you falls away leaving you more raw than before. No you are not a sissy. We all know that wracking pain, that is why some of us stay, to let you know that we get it and we are here. Like the grief books, we cannot really help it feel less painful, only hold your hand to let you know that what you are going through is normal for this abnormal event in your lives. A different dimension is a good way to put it because you are living in one, one foot in the old world and one foot in this new place. I likened it with an abstraction of time and still this many years later have time issues...it still is different for me. THe books will serve you in different ways over the next months.

I thought that one book: The Worst Loss, was well done and so right to the heart of grief.

We know that you are knocked over by losing Michael, keep talking about him and to him and let us know how you are. If you can get outside and try to get some fresh air each day, drink lots of water to replace the water loss from tears, try to eat a bit of protein and breathe deeply once in a while, we forget that we breathe shallowly when feeling lost, which adds to that panicky sense.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Well, I just lost my post I was writing...UGH!

 

So I wanted to send everyone here a virtual hug today...will probably tackle this again later...got the flu bug...

 

Good to see Rich's face today, Betsy, that would have been great if you and Becky could have connected...

 

More later...

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

I've been reading. Being sick has given me some down time. My heart is with all of you struggling through these first months and first holidays. I so understand the pain of facing another year without your precious child. I've been reflecting a lot lately and January 1st marked exactly 19 months since my Trista has been gone.

I don't remember a lot from those first days. The fog of shock was so thick. But then there are those things that are etched in such minute detail in my memory that they seem like yesterday. What I remember most is excruciating pain, always there, pressing so hard that I couldn't breathe. Many times I felt I didn't want to breathe. How unfair it was that I was here and my child was not. I remember constantly thinking and sometimes saying aloud... I can't do this. The only thing I could do to get through was to think... What would Trista want for me. I also had to shift my focus from my own pain to my two boys. They are both younger and still at home. I was very lucky that in those first weeks my grandma stayed with me and helped keep some sense of normalcy for them.

I remember when the reports started coming in and how I was torn between the need to have answers and the fear of the pain those answers would bring. How hard it was to read those things. Some I did not read. I let someone I trusted do it and tell me only what I needed to know.

I remember being thankful it was summer because I could not stand to be inside the house. I don't know why but I felt so claustrophobic there. I was outdoors from the time I woke until I went to bed. Sometimes sitting on my deck with a forgotten, cold cup of coffee in my hand, staring at the sky, watching for any sign of my girl. Sometimes wandering around talking to her, asking her... Where are you? I did that a lot. I began to think of it as my time for 'wandering and wondering'.

I remember the sleepless nights. The constant replay of events over and over in my mind. The disbelief and waiting for Trista to walk through the door... Waiting to wake up and find it was all just a horrible horrible nightmare. I remember imagining just getting in my car and driving and driving. I felt like I needed to do something, anything but there was nothing I could do. I remember in those first days feeling like I'd somehow left her behind and this intense need to 'find' her.

I slowly tried to find things that resembled living. I started Trista's garden. That was good for me. I needed something physical. It was a way to honor her and in Mother Nature I found some peace and comfort.

Then winter hit. That first winter was so dark. I don't talk about it much because I'm so afraid of ever going to that place again. I don't remember much just the deep darkness and that feeling like I was desperately trying to claw my way out. Then that feeling of hopelessness that I would ever find my way.

On January 1, 2014 I went to the hospital. I don't know what I thought they could do. I just knew I needed help with my anxiety and panic. That was exactly six months after losing my Girl... almost exactly one year ago.

This past year I've slowly started to find something resembling a new normal. I've had so many family issues arise that I've had to put my grief aside to focus on other things. It's still there but as others have said I've learned to make room for other things right beside it. It's slow. It's so so hard. But it does happen. I feel like I'm still at the very beginning of this journey. I know I have a long way to go and that I'll be missing my Trista forever until I see her again. I also am feeling a little light... A little hope that I will find ways to move forward, taking my girl with me, finding ways to honor her.

I'm heartbroken that there are ever new members here but to those who are newer... I'm glad you found your way here. This place is where people who have walked this path before us keep coming to shine a light in the darkness. Like a beacon to help us take another step when we feel like we can't. Susan has used the word 'Spirit Guides' and I think that fits.

Please keep coming and sharing and know you're not alone... You're understood. There are those who have gone before, those who may be taking those first tentative steps and are very much where you are, and eventually those newer that will reach out a hand to you for hope. That's what this place and the people here are about.

Sending peace and love to all today and prayers for physical healing for those who are sick and physically drained right now.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I read your post and was so moved by how much strength you have found this past year. I agree that by keeping busy we force ourselves to keep one foot in front of the other...as much as we may not feel up to it. And Gretchen...that's the spirit!

 

I too am not feeling great and just wanted too say that I am reading and thinking of everyone.

[daveydow1]

Betsy----Good to see your post. Yikes.....dental work is sure no fun......(and expensive

to boot)    So glad that you had an enjoyable trip with Sarah, along the coast.  Something

about the seashore breezes that is very healing...I agree.  So nice that you gave Rich's watch

to Sarah, and she must have felt very blessed to receive it.

 

Becky----So sorry to hear of another young man being killed while skateboarding.  Prayers

for his grieving family.  Yes....so many times, those 'comments' links online seem to attract

 certain types of mean-spirited persons who will delight in being so very unkind. I know that

you have experienced too much of this type of abuse.....I'm sorry.  Peace to you.

 

 

Francesca-----

So glad that you had a dream of Mike.   As I always say.....these dreams or signs

that come to us are just little greetings and connections that we experience.....coming from

our dear departed children.  So sweet are they,....that we keep them close to our hearts.

 

Gretchen----I'm so glad that you are finding some peace and happiness.  It's not easy to

find....that's for sure, but when we do, it leads us onward in the path we've found ourselves

on, and helps us to remember that our dear children would want us to continue on with life.

Thanks for the nice photo of you and your husband after the wedding. 

 

Shannon----So good to see your post.  Your words have given us all hope to keep

on taking the steps on this journey.  I hope that 2015 will be a better year for you. Take care.

 

 

Cherry-----Your dream of Kylie is a spiritual connection.....one that we can receive from our

dear children....(and may not totally understand),  but a connection nonetheless.  Treasures

to hold onto. I think we all have the same wish......to be with our sweet angels when it's

our time to leave this world....I agree. 

 

 

Sarahsmom...

Sandy----I had to smile when I read your post about you mom &  her rehab

experience....keeping the staff on their toes.  It is similar to one my own mom (soon to be 95)

has had recently.  In the nursing home where she now lives....she was getting physical therapy.

She, too,  kept the physical therapists on their toes.....with spicy remarks,  resistance, and

complaints.  She did get through it, though, and now jokes with the therapists about how she

gave them a hard time.   I hope your mom is doing better now.

 

Kate----Oh....gallbladder problems.....No Fun !    I had the operation several years ago.  Hope

you'll be feeling better after you get it taken care of.  Yep....your New Years Eve sounds a lot

like ours....very quiet, and of course a nice cup of tea.  Today, I made scones.  I wanted to try

a new recipe ever since before Christmas, but just never had the time, due to all the social

whirlwind that so often happens at this time of year.  So,...finally got them made, and more

tea,  on this cold/rainy day. Husband loves the scones.

 

Dianne-----I agree with Dee...you are not a sissy.  This road is very hard to travel...as we all

know, but I hope that you can keep coming here to this site....where your feelings of sorrow

and despair are understood.  Sharing your grief with those who know and understand, can

help.   Peace & comfort,  friend.

 

Colleen----

Good to see Bryan's dear smile.  Hope you have a kinder, softer new year,.... my friend.

 

Dee------Nice that you were able to attend the wedding of one of ERi's friends.  Of course, I know

that this experience can be bittersweet.....no escaping that.  But,  the bride must have really

appreciated your presence, and ERi  must have been looking down & smiling.

 

Maryann---Thanks for the screenshot of the lovely writing and doves......wishing hugs to our

special angels.  Peace to you in the new year.

 

 

 

WISHING    ALL   INDIGOS  PEACE,   COMFORT,  AND   BLESSINGS  FOR   2015.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

  

[Steve s mom]

Today they found the body of a local 21 year old boy who was missing since thanksgiving.he was found in the river where it appears he must have fallen in that night and wasn't found untill today.his family is friends with a coworker of mine.sorry to hear we were hoping for a better outcome.please pray for them.