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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Susan,

I know tomorrow is your son's birthday.  I can only imagine how you must be feeling.  I lost my 15 year old son on Father's day.  His birthday is April 29th..he would have been 16 next Spring. 

 

I am so sorry for your loss Susan, I know it hurts so badly.  Try to do something to honor your son on his special day.  Start a new tradition - eating his favorite dessert or preparing his favorite meal.  Go to his favorite place.  Pray.

 

I wish you some peace tomorrow on his special day.

 

Lisa - Benjamin's mom

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Phillip Dear Boy, Sweet Dearheart of Your Momma's Heart and Soul,

May this special date let you feel all the love from here to there-unending, a circle unbroken, a forever connection.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Phillip.

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Mermaid Tears

Susan....all of us on this site knows how hard a day like this can be for a parent.....we will tell you that love does not die...and even the passing of your boy will not separate you from him.....wrap yourself with kindness and goodness...your boy wants you to bask in all the love between you and him....he does not want you to be in pain....but we know that is easier said than done....post-306805-0-74678200-1415554510_thumb.post-306805-0-38395700-1415554582_thumb.post-306805-0-84417000-1415554624_thumb.post-306805-0-15763100-1415554640_thumb.post-306805-0-62033600-1415554662_thumb.

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Susan, I am glad that that photo, Eri's light, still inspires you. It does me too, she gave that to me in a shower of communication one day in the woods..."Erica where are you?" I asked, feeling as though I had not felt her presence in a while and this came just seconds after I asked. Thank you Erica, thank you so much.

 

Me, and Husband and DIL and kids just spent a few hours at a local nature museum near our home. The children change from day to day. So amazing are they. My son is out of town with some of his cousins but will return tonight.

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Trying to post a photo or two...one shows Erica scooted into the same area as Michael...post-261428-0-92265300-1415563695_thumb.post-261428-0-68658600-1415563757_thumb.

 

The other should be of Jon and Shan and the kids at the walk for a cure of diabetes

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and one more of Erica holding a stuffed dog in a baby carrier today.post-261428-0-96691300-1415564002_thumb.

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spent a nice day with my younger son Chris. we went over to Oliver winery where Michael and i had our last picture together; the one i have posted. it's really a beautiful, peaceful place and yes they have good wine. My Chris is so loving and he wants to be sure his mom is ok; i just want to be sure he's ok. We talked about planting a small fir tree by Michael's grave, I can't believe I'm even saying those words. Michael's favorite holiday is Christmas and his birthday is Dec 20th; we'll be in wisconsin during Thanksgiving, that's where we burried Michael, in our home state because we'll move back there some day. My husband and I will certainly be burried in Wisconsin, we made sure to buy plots on either side of Michael. It sounds crazy but sometimes i feel like i can't wait for that day to come just so i can see him again yet i know it will be a long time off.

 

Susan, wishing your son Philip a happy birthday in heaven; i can't imagine how hard this first birthday without him is for you but I will find out next month. Wishing all well.....

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Susan,

From the other side of the world...we thought of you as it was your son's birthday; prayed for you and remembered you. The candle I light daily for my daughter was also burning for yr son!

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Susan,

From the other side of the world...we thought of you as it was your son's birthday; prayed for you and remembered you. The candle I light daily for my daughter was also burning for yr son!

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Thanks yesterday was hard day for all of us but the is for thinking of me and my son

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....thanks for sharing those priceless photos.....your GRANDbabies are so close together.....they will be like 'twin brother/sister'.......I so see the feminine/masculine that defines them.....your son resembles you I think....isn't it a blessing to live close by.....I so wish I could live within a loving radius of all my GRANDchildren...but I will have to settle for 4....although Austin is now a Jr. at U of Texas.....and we await his visits and welcome him home like a conquering hero...

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Mermaid Tears

 I miss all who use to post on this site....but understand that sometimes all one can do is read....and it is 'ok' to be 'ok'.....

 

I want to give a shout out to Debbie and Shannon.....

   two of our Mom's that had some very 'intense' situations and environments surrounding them at the time of the loss of their child.....in other words.....they had to 'grieve' this kind of grief with many dark layers.....

 

So....I just want you to know I think and pray for you.....wishing you the gift of good days....

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To all the Veterans I send my hope, that the wars you fought can be quiet for you now, but we know that those struggles you encountered are not far away, they trouble you still, how could they not? And for all those presently in war, may you find your way home again and learn to live anew.

 

Yes, prayers indeed for Shannon and for Debbie and all else who are traveling such new roads.

 

Susan, I do feel very happy to be near the kids. Yes, Jon does look some like me, though very strongly to his Dad's side as well and baby boy looks hugely like my Son. Erica is a strong combination but favors her Momma's side, such a pretty momma and daughter.

 

Had a tooth pulled today, so I am puffy and as the numbness wears away, I will likely feel some pain.

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  HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY........PHILLIP......ANGEL.

 

 

Susan---I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Phillip.  I'm glad

that you found this site where everyone here knows and understands

the sorrow you are going through now....so early on this rough road.

Please come back.

 

 

Laurie-----

thanks for the pic of Jesse's bike, and also the quote

by Edna St. Vincent Millay.....so very true for all of us here on this journey.

 

Kate----Looks like winter is just around the corner....and even more so

in your area.  Time for getting out all the 'cozies', brew some nice hot tea....( and settle

in a favorite chair with  a good book , too) :) 

 

 

Dee-----

thanks for all the lovely pics of  Jon, Shannon, and the tiny tots.....Erica and Michael.

Beaming smiles coming down from Heaven..... :) 

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

 

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Thank you so much for that I'm glad I found this site because no one understaands how this feels except people who have been thru it

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I thought I was coasting through better lately.  Today I went in a store - I never had never been in this store with Mandy so I figured I was pretty safe.  Upon entering I felt that deep sadness strike me like lightening.  I couldn't function just froze.  I felt like life was a big blur. 

 

Right before going in the store I went to the library and took out the book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - On grief and grieving - the five stages of loss.  Thank you for recommending it!  I am hoping this will help me.

 

Ericasmom thank you for sharing your grandchildren - They are beautiful.  I hope you feel better quick from your tooth pulled.

 

Susand0873 - I was thinking of you yesterday.  I hope you are doing better today.

 

Mike's Mom I am go glad you spent a nice day with Chris.  He sounds like a wonderful person.

 

I am thinking of all my new friends on this group and hoping you are having a nice day.

 

Love,

Susan (Mandy's mom)

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Mermaid Tears

Well....we have 3 Susan's posting....Mandy's Mom....Susan0873......and me, Susan - Mermaid Tears....

 

Mandy's Mom....yes....that EKR book will give you a sliver of comfort....you will gain some knowledge....and when I read it...it seemed to give me a foothold on this slippery grief journey....

 

Dee....hope you have no pain....thank goodness we have meds....

 

Sherry....I hope you and all my Northern sisters have all battened down....I think ya'll are in for a doozie...

 

Kate....has the cold hit you yet...?

 

Gee Debbie....I hope you have enough warm clothes...

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Francesca, I am so glad that you had a nice day with your Son. I know that I had to walk on eggshells for a long while with my Son after his Sister died. But I also know that when we were alone together, or even just in a room with others, we were aligned and united in our grief and in our love for Erica and for each other. Everything is different and there are no guard rails to help you stay on track, there is no track. YOu just do what is best for you at the moment and take the kind of care your Son would have you take. I think that that might be what helped me an incredible amount in the earlier months years of grief. I knew that Erica would be happiest if her beloved family and friends were trying to be okay, trying to be as healthy as they could. I didn't want to let her down. Oh I mourned fully and grieve her leaving still, but I knew that she would want us to keep climbin that hill, that mountain, reach for the stars for her.

 

Susan, gliding through and feeling slapped by pain are all part of this journey. It catches us off guard, and we are reduced sometimes to sobbing in the midst of a crowd. It's okay, it is how grief operates, but do continue to try things like going to stores or whatever...these are ways that you are finding your steps and balance.

 

Sherry, the day was pretty with sunlight and warmth, but the temps are going to drop out and we will be wearing all of our winter gear tomorrow. I will be tender with my tooth, or lack there of.

 

Thanks for the compliments of the kids everyone, they are the absolute smile in my heart, right next to their Daddy and their Auntie.

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Hi Everyone: I am Christina and Jennifer's mom. My world fell apart on October 1st, 2008 when Christina, my first born at age 34 passed away from cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. She was such a fighter and strong person and I always felt we would beat this terrible disease! So did she! I watched her suffer so much fighting for every breath. My heart broke the day she died. Part of me died too. Somehow I had to pull myself together and start my life as a different person hiding a lot of what I was feeling but not being able to really because I had another daughter Jennifer age 31 who also had cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. I put all my heartache and energy into Jenn fighting to keep her well only seeing that after her sister passed she was also declining . She never even had the chance to spend time with Christina because she had been I the hospital on Long Island while Christina was in the hospital in Manhattan. Neither hospital would transfer one or the other! Jennifer passed away eight in a half months after Christina at the age of 31. That was it for me! I wanted to climb into a hole and stay there but was being pushed along in life. It's six years now that Christina has passed and for Jennifer- a little over 5 years. I'm not happy. I feel broken and shattered. I miss my girls so much. I have a so. And so I push ahead for them hiding how I feel. My grandchildren are what make me smile but the minute they are not with me the tears come. I pray to wake up from this nightmare . But I know I won't . Life is so indifferent and I am not ME anymore. I don't laugh the same and I don't smile the same. The joy has gone. I try to honor them everyday of my life. God help,us all because we all know we have to work harder to get through life the best we can. When I lost Christina I was in shock and yet fought hard to save Jennifer. But I couldn't . I keep fe adding everyone's stories and my heart goes out to all of you. Right now I am having a hard time ever since October and I have tried to keep really busy so I won't think but it hasn't helped.

post-276477-0-32766200-1415671806_thumb.

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Hi Alley, your Girls are beautiful, absolutely lovely. Smiling eyes. I wish you never had this pain Alley, but it would mean you never had this deep love, and I know that you would not trade that for anything. Have you ever gone for some private counseling or to a group prior to coming here? I know that for me, being here and going to a therapist has helped immensely. I lost my Girl, Erica, 11 years ago, she was 19. It must have been so hard to watch your Daughters struggle to be well, and it sounds like you were their biggest cheerleader. Your word or words got cut off, did you say you have Sons? How old?

Keep talking Alley, your Girls are shining their glimmer on you, we know that telling our stories helps our hearts find a way to move forward with more joy.

 

Sandy, how have you been?

Carol?

Debbie?

Shannon?

Betsy?

Betty?

Trudi?

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Mermaid Tears

Hi Alley.....do you have a circle of support or family or friends....???Many of us do not....I don't have a circle of friends that has lost a child...that is why this site is to important to me....please tell us more about your girls....we are here to hear you..

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We are going to a memorial held at a local chapel for parents who have lost children this Sunday.  We never had a funeral.  This will be our first memorial for Mandy as a family.   I wanted to share with you what my husband is going to say

 

Mandy,
We love you and miss you terribly, little girl, and we will always remember your radiant smile, your laugh and your tremendous courage.  We hope there is something more for you beyond your short life. It was a privilege to have had you in our lives.  You were loved even more than you knew.

Love,
Mom, Dad and Tom

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Mermaid Tears- Yes I do have a circle of friends a few that have lost their child and a few who have not thank God. The two that have lost their children only one can I really share how I feel and she can do the same with me as she knows. The other person cannot handle too much so I don't share that much with her. My childhood friend Mary she feels like me as she knew and loved my children so she can understand more than most people. I also have my sisters two who could really understand but now I have lost the one sister in March 2011. It's been hard without her. I am sorry for your loss. Your words comfort me even as the tears flow.

ericasmom- Sorry my typing is terrible. I meant to say I have a son. His name is Chris and he is now 34 years old. He is the father of my grandchildren Xristos II and Adriana Maria. At first when my girls passed at both funerals I was told my three individuals who had gone through losing their brother or sister not to forget I still had another child. I mean really ME? I could never do that and I tried to be there in every way for my son. At first my son expressed how he felt about losing his sisters but only for a little while because his wife couldn't deal with it. He no longer talks of his sisters nor does he go to the cemetery which I am sad about but I know he must do what he must. The problem for me is he is not there for me on any level for comfort and that hurts. I am not the type of person who can just turn off my feelings. My girls are a part of me. Christina and Jennifer were very different in their personalities. Christina was a planner, always on the go always planning things. She decided to go away to college upstate and she did well even though it did take it's toll on her health. She became an Accountant and worked at the World Trade Center on the 71st floor. Thank God she wasn't there on 911 but because she was getting married August 31 and had taken off prior to the wedding because it was a big wedding and she wanted to have all the energy she could. She created The Hope for Breath Foundation along with her sister Jennifer- a foundation that helps give emotional and financial support to cystic fibrosis lung transplanted patients pre or post. We have helped quite a few so far. I make all our Chinese auction baskets over 120. I go out and tell our story to get donations and I get many. Christina was a direct person- tell her what you wanted in the way of a gift or where you wanted to go and it was done. Jennifer was different. She was more a fly by the seat of the pants girl. One minute I would be cooking and the next I would be turning off the stove flying out the door to shop till we dropped! She once took me on a shopping spree for my birthday. She got me in the store and then told me. I refused of course till she started throwing clothes at me! It was a memory! When my girls had their lung transplants for the first time in years they were running jumping breathing not huffing and puffing! We were so excited. We went on a celebration of lung transplants Bahamas vacation. We had a great time ! This is what I draw on the funny happy moments! I put my everything into Hope for Breath but the last year the team who help me have been slacking off so now I must deal with that. My husband Chris is a wonderful man but he deals with his grief so differently and although it's good for him it makes it harder for me. I try not to say too much about my girls as often as I would like. I have lost lifelong friends who have dropped out of my life because they couldn't handle it. But I have gained others who came out of no where and now are close friends helping me in my journey. This past year my husband retired and wanted to go back to our home in FL. I really wasn't ready but I froze in New York and didn't want to go back to FL. My girls are buried in New York. My grandchildren are in New York and most of my friends and some family are all,in New York. The support system is not the same as in New York but we had to come back to FL as we had sold our home in NY in 99. We had been living in FL but when the girls had transplants we rented an apt. In NY and when the girls started to get sick we moved in with Jennifer and Christina came too. Then after they passed I froze. There is a song by Paul Alexander that says "Who am I?" That reminds me of who I am now. As for counseling at first I wanted no part of it. No part of medication either but then I just started falling deeper and deeper and my husband begged me to try and so I did. It took three therapists before I found the one who I felt most comfortable with. And I took the medication for awhile but it only helped me to be numb and cry less. I still KNEW what happened. And then- Jenn passed. And I lost my world.......but I try everyday......to honor my girls and keep going for my son, his family, my husband but inside I am different and ourptside too because I have taken to comfort foods. I left off with my therapist that either I walk slowly ahead in my life or freeze for ever. Right now ever since October because Christina passed on the 1st I have hit a ditch and am trying to get out of it but lately no such luck so I have taken to painting the last two rooms in my house falling into bed exhausted . Still hard to sleep. Friday I leave for NY for three weeks- my husband has bee there since October helping a friend and then we have a wedding and time with my son grandchildren and friends and I get to visit with my girls for that is where they are buried. Plus we will have a meeting for Hope for Breath. Hopefully I will climb out of the ditch I am in. I am sorry for your loss. I have been reading many of the posts emotional for all of you. I read one about a child who passed with cystic fibrosis and felt so broken for this parent. Cystic fibrosis is a terrible disease. Christina passed from lung rejection and went into a coma. We never got to say goodbye, to tell her I loved her or hold her through it. Jennifer passed from kidney failure, liver failure and mental status altered. She never knew or recognized us the last day of her life. My girls suffered so and I KNOW my son still suffers in his heart for his sisters. Thank you all for listening. I pray for all of you to have peace and thank you for being there for all of us.

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alley0018 - I am so sorry for you losses.  They were so beautiful inside and out.  I hope you can get through this hard time.  They did a lot in their short time on earth and you must be so proud.  Thank you for sharing your story.

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Mermaid Tears

Alley.....I have a lot on my plate today.....but will come back later for you....in the meantime....I am posting what I wrote ...and I can only hope it gives you a tiny bit of comfort....this is what I think for my John David....post-306805-0-27426900-1415719162_thumb.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Alley, thank you for sharing about the lives of your precious girls. I see from your writing how different people can be in their grieving process; the loss of friends and gain of new ones; how our children handle grief;  and how we go in our lives past the the death of our beloved children.

 

My own daughter has found a strong grief support group from a local church which has helped her, she also found a counsellor which allowed her to share her grief from her perspective. Also my sister-in-law had her sister pass shortly before my son, Jesse, so they talk and share together. It has worked.

 

My husband and I grieve very differently... we are like two drowning people in a raging sea, so we don't talk much together about it but have to find others to go to separately...

 

How to step forward in your life...I do not have any good answers here...for me, it is good just to make it to the end of the day, it is a step-by-step process. I have kept things simple. I too would love to sell our current house and downsize into something more manageable. We live on a farmette on 40 acres and it is just TOO MUCH. I want to live in the town now without the maintenance. This place was bought with my son in mind, thinking he would take it over one day. Well that will never be.

 

We also live on two miles of dirt road which I once thought was "quaint" and "nostalgic"...not any more. Yesterday I flew into the ditch in a first ice storm and waited 20 minutes trapped, finally figured out how to crawl out of the vehicle. the vehicle was on its side totally. Of course the one time I do not bring a cell phone this happens.

 

I am all right just a bit sore with muscle aches but it shook me up. (car a little banged up on the fender, not too bad) But just reinforces my feelings of letting this place go.

 

Someone mentioned the attempting to go to a grocery store and having a major meltdown...that seems to be a common issue. I had huge issues with going to any store as it reminded me so much of my son...he always did the everyday shopping with me...

 

****************************

Sherry, good to see your post...

 

Susan, thinking of you in that nice warm weather....

 

Dee, the pictures of the grandkids are lovely...enjoyed seeing the picture of the "Shaft of Light" again, one of the treasures that are held dear...

 

All, Wishing gentleness for the days ahead..

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Alley, I gave a giggle at your saying you are not a good typist...nor am I and often have numerous typos. I rarely check my work when I am in a rush like I am here at school on my lunch hour. No, just wanted to make sure I was guessing correctly that you have a Son and grandies. It must have been a mixed feeling of moving to Florida, I can understand how hard that must have been. Your Son is a Daddy and maybe cannot grieve alongside you anymore because he needs to keep himself in the moment with his family. Our kids grieve differently than we and then when/if they become parents, they hold their breath for good health, no accidents for their kids because they never ever want to be put in that horrid place of deep grief. They now get how we love them, that blindingly bright love a parent has for their Kids. I am glad that you are here with us, it should be a place to let loose all that you hold in.

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We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and its going down,
We Remember Them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We Remember Them.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring.
We Remember Them.

In the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,
We Remember Them.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn.
We Remember Them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We Remember Them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We Remember Them.

When we are lost and sick of heart,
We Remember Them.

When we have joys and special celebrations we yearn to share,
We Remember Them.

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are part of us.
We Remember Them.

By Rabbi Sylvan Kamens

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Thanks Steve's Mom for posting this.

 

We must never take for granted the exceptional quality of life that we enjoy. We must be grateful to all veterans for their service and sacrifice. Soldiers do what their countries ask them to do. They knew they were going to war and they did not know what they were getting into or just how bad it would be. They volunteered to serve their country and by happenstance they ended up in some terrible places.

 

The Victoria Cross is the highest military honour in Commonwealth countries. For actions of the "most conspicuous bravery, a daring or pre-eminent act of valour or self-sacrifice or extreme devotion to duty in the presence of the enemy."

 

In my hometown of Winnipeg there is a street that was previously called Pine Street. Three young men who all lived on that same street in the 700 block of the same West  End Street served in the first World War.

 

Sgt. Major Frederick William Hall was 30 years old on Feb. 21, 1915. During the 2nd. Battle of Ypres in Belgium. It was infamous as the first German gas attack on the western front. Hall was shot in the forehead and killed during a valiant attempt to rescue wounded comrades calling for help about 15 meters from the trenches. He was killed while lifting one of these men to safety.

 

Cpl. Lionel Clarke was 24 at the Somme front in France on September 9, 1916, when he and his men fought their way into the centre of the enemy position and came under counterattack. Clarke was wounded by a bayonet in the knee but continued to fight alone...killing all 18 enemy soldiers and taking one prisoner. Though told tot go to the hospital he continued to fight and returned to fight the next day. A month later he died when a shell blast buried him in a trench.

 

Lt. Robert Sharkland was 30 during the Battle of Passchendaele,in Belgium in October 1917. when he led the remnants of his own platoon and men from other companies to inflict heavy casualties on the enemy. He stopped a counterattack then made his way through the battlefield to communicate his company's position before returning to join his men...where they held the position until relieved. He survived the war, served in the Second World War and died on Jan. 20, 1968 at the age of 80.

 

These three Victoria Cross Medals are now on display in the foyer of the Manitoba Museum and will soon be returned to the War Museum in Otttawa. Pine Street  was renamed Valour Road in 1925 by the city. What price freedom? How many lives lost? How many unnoticed acts of courage? Lest we forget.

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Abra Halls Mom

My beautiful daughter, Abra, was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer on August 3rd, 2012. She fought valiantly for nearly two years but the cancer spread to her brain lining and spinal cord and she lost her fight on July 3, 2014. I got to hold her in my arms the last few hours of her life and, although she wasn't conscious, they said she could hear us. It was torture to watch because she fought to the very end, and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else, but that picture will haunt me for the rest of my life. She suffered so much due to her illness, and I suffered with her. I am still suffering, but now it is because she is gone. She was born August 11, 1986 and she was an amazing child. I am trying to make sense of this, and not give in to self destructive urges. If it weren't for her 24 year-old brother, I would have made sure I went with her. My depression and grief are overwhelming. It is affecting my job and I am afraid I may lose that, on top of everything else. I lost my youngest brother in 1981. My only other sibling, also a brother, took his own life in 1984. A fiance killed himself in 1994, And my ex-huisband and father of my children died of an accidental drug overdose in 2006.I sometimes wonder what this life is all about and why some people have to suffer so much? One more loss and I think I will go over the edge.

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Mermaid Tears

Abra Hall's Mom and Alley.....I came home for a bite to eat.....will post later....both of you have found a very 'gentle and kind' soft spot to fall in....

 

Laurie....I, too, am ready for you to move...ouch....happy it was not worse....

 

Steve's Mom....we read that at John David's first Angelanniversary.....never tire of reading that...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Kate for your posting on our veterans...as a bereaved mom it just gives this day a deeper perspective...when the soldier does not come home, we know at a deeper level the sacrifice they and their families gave...

 

Abra's mom, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. We all love to share pictures of our children here, thanks for sharing her picture with all of us...

 

Mary Ann, thank you for the poem....

 

Susan...thanks for the support and kind writings you post...

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1020314_alwaysmyloves

Here is her picture.

She's beautiful ... Thank you for sharing her picture <3

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Today was a hard emotional day. The tears kept flowing on and off all day. But as usual I kept going and going trying to be so busy that I will just fall into bed and sleep well. At the end of the day I came home and then picked up my nephew and out the door I went. We went to wal mart where I stopped at a small table which had a lady that you could ask about the new health care deadline enrollment. We ended up talking for over a half hour. I shared with her that I have a hard time focusing and the last thing I wanted to do was focus on Heath care enrollment. I told her about why I couldn't focus for long. She ended up telling me she lost her son at age 14 because he got strep throat and had no noticeable signs, wa treated for it, survived but now would be immune suppressed for life and would have to take penicillin too always. A year later he must have been immune to the penicillin and he ended up dying from the virus or whatever it was. We shed tears and held hands. I told her how sorry I was for the loss of her son.

ericasmom - I was very touched by your words. Today my son called me and was very gentle and caring in his talk. It was like he was somehow he just knew I needed that. I know he grieves for his sitters in a quiet way. I remember when we had the funerals each time I was the first to go up and speak as we played pictures on a screen in the background. My girls wanted a celebration of their life and that is what we did. My son each time got up and spoke too. He looked so vulnerable and broken and sad and I remember he said I always wondered why them and not ME? It broke my heart to see my son a grown man sad and Geary eyed as he spoke of his sitters each time so I guess what he is doing is best for him and his family and I have to understand that. Moving to Florida was very hard. Leaving my son and grandchildren was traumatic for me. They bring me joy. But I am leaving Friday driving from Florida to New York overjoyed to see them soon. I take small steps and yes everyday it's different in how we deal with our grief. Some days are harder and lately that's how it's been since October. My birthday my 60th was Oct 18 and all I wanted was my girls. You see on my 50th Jennifer surprised me and flew into FL to stay a week with me and celebrate. First time in her life she actually kept her secret! She rang the doorbell at around 8 pm and leaned on the pole outside and said here I am! Best birthday gift ever!!! I just kept picturing and wishing that had happened on my 60th. Of course it did not. I feel like Humpty Dumpty but instead of the pieces being put back together mine can't be!! As for going to stores I am finally able to but I can't go to where we shopped 8 days before- Ann Taylor and so I still have $150 gift card. Thank you for listening.

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Jessie David's Mom- I am sorry for your loss too. In the beginning when Christina passed I would cry in my sleep. I could hear myself crying but I couldn't stop. My husband would reach over and hug me. After a time when I kept talking about Christina he would say I can't have this all the time you talking about Christina all the time. I would say that's too bad if that's a problem because I am going to talk about her all the time whenever I need to. After Jennifer passed all of a sudden all he did was talk about both girls. It was a very very hard time for the two of us. In the end mostly we grieve differently and separately. He doesn't talk much about the girls. I talk about them all the time. He's a good man and a great husband, father and grandfather- very family oriented. I don't have the answers to things either. Some say god only gives you what you can handle. I certainly don't believe that. Some say I had them a long time well yes in cystic fibrosis years but really how would they like it if it was their child or children?? Sometimes just saying I am sorry and I am here for you is enough don't you think? I am hoping by seeing my son and grandchildren I will rejuvenate a bit. ThNk you for being there for me as well as countless of others. I don't believe it will ever be easy but I know talking and bonding with those that are in this situation helps tremendously because it validates everything we feel, think etc.

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Mandy's Mom - I will push forth for my girls, my son, my grandchildren and my husband and all the others who love and care for me- after all that's what my girls did push forward everyday going on fighting to not give up, fighting to walk to breathe to talk to enjoy simple moments and make beautiful memories so I will push forward honoring my girls always. How can I do anything less when that's what they were all a out! Thank you for your kind words and YES I am so,proud of my girls! Because of who they were and how they fought I fight too to keep doing the walk and continue on my journey.

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Mermaid tears- thank you. I look forward to reading your posts.

Everyone else keep sharing I am new to this but feel like I have found new friends who get it because they are on the same journey.

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Abra's Mom, your Girl is beautiful.

Your heart is shattered, it would have to be as we all know. The line of losses serve to make you feel less steady, less sure of anything. I had similar losses in and around my Daughter's death 11 years ago. Will talk more tomorrow as I have to go lay down. Teaching third grade catches up with me.

 

Alley, are you going to be able to stay tuned in here while  you are on your trip to NYC? I wish you only good vibes on this trip. As far as husbands and wives grieving, it is rarely in sync, it is rarely similar displays, so it is good to know that your husband is a good man but that you just grieve differently. As long as we recognize and acknowledge the differences adn allow the space in which to grieve, the balance is found.

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ericasmom- I should be able to stay in touch through my iPhone. We will be on Long Island not NYC. Thank you again.

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Laurie- I hope you are okay. Being stuck in a ditch for 20 minutes had to be awful. I am glad you weren't badly hurt. I am sorry you had to go through that. I think moving closer to town would probably be best but I guess we do things in our own time when we feel up to it. I read some of your other postings from before when I was not on this site and was very touched by the things you wrote. A lot of it was exactly the way I am feeling. In the beginning I used to think how does anyone get past even one year and now I have reached the 5-1/2 year and 6 year passing date and realize you get pushed along in life and yes you put on a mask. I realize that's what I am doing. I am a broken ME never to heal and never to completely fly. I never know when the emotions will come. I try to surround myself mostly with people who are a comfort and have been there one way or another. I read that posting about companionship and yes I agree that's just what I need and want and some have been like that with me which has been good. Others just dropped off. Shame on them! In 6 years I have lost 2 daughters, my Mom, my oldest sister who was 3 years older than me, a cousin and an 2 Aunts. We had two car accidents where my husband was hurt and both cars were totaled. One was a t-bone accident in MD where we were visiting my sister who passed 6 days later. Our pup was hurt too but thank God both are fine now. It was a US postal truck that didn't see the red light. It was a 12 wheeler. The other the girl was texting. Both times my husband was hurt with in 4 months of each other. I really like that companionship posting and need to print it out so I can go back and read it from time to time. Thank you and hope you are feeling better. Your posting says you lost 2 sons? Please tell me more.

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Laurie, my goodness, a ditch for 20 minutes. Glue that phone to your hip Girl, don't want you in that position without help again. Im so glad that you are okay. Goodness. Rest your bones today over a realestate flier.

love ya

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie...I ditto what Dee has posted.....

 

 

 

 

 

I remember having the extreme sense to 'run away'.....get away....get out of Dodge....fly away...wing away....crawl..limp...away....

 

I do believe my mind/spirit/persona did go away.....it is way ahead.....I did not 'stay'......I am 'over there'.....

my body is just in the same place....

 

 

that is why I get this feeling of being in two places at the same time....

 

 

I think we will know when it is time to make a physical move....even if we do not have a grief issue....moving is a very emotional and physical taxing experience......some need to move for financial reasons....a job transfer....or some decide to seek another environment.....some place warmer....they may need to look at mountains....or a seashore....or trade that hectic city life for a small town.....

    it can be draining for those parents that are on a fence about moving to a new place.....for me.....John David was here...I can place him in every room....the backdrop in photos are this house.....he stood there...he stood here....he sat there....it pulls at the very heart.....

    but....John David is not 'this house'.....

I think if one will listen to their 'heart'....their intuition.....you will know when it is time to move....to another home...or another state.....or to another country.

     Daniel wants me to sell my apartments...and get a place at Port Aransas....but I think I will keep a house in Brenham...just the other day I entertained an idea of selling this house...and then buying a smaller house here and one in Port 'A'......I do not want the upkeep on a house like this with the large swimming pool..etc....I can take care of two small properties....and I know I will be the one to keep up and maintain them......then I get an anxious feeling and shove it all under the rug......

for now.....I am doing good to 'maintain' my balance....to do all that would be something akin of me keeping a fire going in a hurricane...

 

but Laurie....if it is a matter of physical safety....and all the issues pertaining to that.....to sell and move is do-able....you have your court date coming up.....I know that is heavy for you.....maybe looking at some properties would give you a little break......I know how exhausted we get doing 'the everyday' stuff.....wish I could help you....I was a very wise real estate agent....I say 'wise' because I sold 'homes' not houses....post-306805-0-35599800-1415812147_thumb.post-306805-0-27702000-1415812188_thumb.post-306805-0-81345000-1415812222_thumb.

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So it was suggested I come here for support and advice.  I lost my son, Toby, age 19 in a car accident 6 months ago.  It was without a doubt the worst day of my life.  I couldn't imagine anything worse.  it was like all my nightmares just came to life.  what parent can even fathom loosing a child.  he was so bright.  Such an amazing future ahead of him.  he had just started college to become a mechanical engineer and was working in an auto parts store.  he was on his way to work, running late, and hit an electric pole at 85 mph.  he was killed instantly thank God.  i wouldn't be able to bear thinking he was injured or in pain or scared.  i sat in the traffic where the road was closed and never knew it was him lying in the ditch.  then, as if that weren't bad enough or hard enough to deal with, my daughter, 25 with 2 kids, was so high on heroin at the funeral that she doesn't even remember being there.  She got clean for about a month after Toby died, but is right back on it again.  I haven't been able to even grieve properly for my son because I am so caught up in saving my daughter.  I know I couldn't handle loosing another one.

 

How do I deal?  I mean, I work, I have a serious relationship, I am trying to have a normal life.  Or at least some sort of life at all.  I think about my son everyday and it is so unfair that God took him.  why him????  Why did he have to go???  he was my rock.  he helped me through all of this with my daughter and now I have to face it all by myself.  What do I do now??

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I lost a son to suicide back in 1991. Long before this forum was around. But back then I was a member and posted a spiritual story on it.

 The most important thing to get through this, my wife and other son and myself was our ( FAITH) in God.

      When you are in great sorrow from your loss, during this period the curtain to the other side becomes transparent.

 This spirit of your love one thats passed on may contact you in your dreams. You may also see a apperition of them.

And there may be other ways. Perfume smell, lights flickering whatever. Watch and listen be always aware of the things or events that are out of norm.

 Please please believe that they are not dead but still very much alive in Heaven. All of us live eternally, It is Gods Gift to those who believe in him.And those who do not.

When you pass on, they will be there with open arms to hug and hold you. How wonderful that will be.And forever they will never leave your side,

  To let you know, I experienced a out of body meeting and had a hug from my son within 1 week of his passing.

We are here on this earth plane of existance for such a short time. A flash in the pan they say.  Think on these things what I wrote here and you will feel better or try to.

They are still very much alive.

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Heff1991

 

What if that's not true?  What if he's not there waiting for me?  What if he went into the ground and that's it?  These thoughts run through my mind everyday.  what if.....  The thought of never seeing him again is paralyzing to say the least.  To never hear his voice tell me he loves me is more than I can take.  I hold on to the thought that one day..... 

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Mermaid Tears

I wrote a very lengthy post...and 'something' happened...it disappeared....never had that to happen.....

 

Heff....thank you for sharing your visit with your boy....

 

I had a 'visitation dream' with my John David....and I hugged him at the end of it....

 

Abra's Mom...Alley...Toby's Mom.....your daughters are beautiful....your son is handsome....and thank each of you for sharing your story.....

 

Toby's Mom....we all are the same......we so ...so want to 'believe'......and I guess it is like having Faith...'being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see'.....

 

I am busier today than usual....will post later....I wish I had not 'lost' my post....I wrote to the 3 of our new parents on this site...but we are all here to hear each other......we can hold our hands and hearts on this site....where each grief journey is as unique as our child was unique......there are some common parts.....and that is why we walk in each others shoes and can nod our heads in agreement.....we come from different parts of the world.....different backgrounds....but we do share a grief like no other grief....

 

some are farther ahead on this grief journey....I call them our 'spirit guides'...they wave to us.....to let us know they have traveled the path.....and they let us know....we, too, can survive. Some grief attacks make us wince....some make us whimper....some make us cry out in pain....and some buckle us to our knees......

we don't get over it....we simply learn to go through it.....

it can be a slippery slope....to become better or bitter....

I knew right away I did not want to become bitter.....I have known many that are....and they are hateful and mean hearted people......some say they have a right to be....and for sure they do.....but I wanted to learn to carry my grief in a better way....and I am learning every day......well...that is not correct......for I go for days without any sunshine or knowledge coming in.....just exhaustion.

      I ask 'WHY' with every breath.....and then I will have a ray of light to come in.....and the message says...'it will be ok'....

my John David would not have left me unless he had to.....he is still my boy....I am still his Mama....and not even death can separate us.

    He wants me and his family to go on.....just as I would want my family to go on when I pass....

  I think when it comes to how our other children are doing with their grief is a banner to how we...the parents are handling it all.....my daughter and 3 sons have children....1 son has no children and is not married....and they have busy lives with work..responsibility...rearing their children.....they cannot just 'stop'.....and as my son, Jesse said...'We knew if Mom could make it...so could we'......I think my children are so brave to carry on....although I know they all have a breaking heart to lose their John David....my son, Aaron said...'He was like a God to all of us'.....so true. post-306805-0-47335300-1415821216_thumb.post-306805-0-91363100-1415821239_thumb.

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Thank you for your kind words Mermaid Tears.  I hold on everyday and pray I don' t become that bitter old woman that I am so fearful of.  I am not the same person by any stretch.  I hold on to everything with everything I have.  Until there is absolutely nothing left.  Relationships, good or bad, even personal possessions. Toby picked a car out for me one month to the day of his passing, a Mustang convertible.  he loved that car and was so proud when I let him drive it.  I was in an accident about a month ago and the car was a total loss.  It was incredibly hard to let that car go.  I even considered having insurance fix it after they told me they could never guarantee my safety in it.  It was just another part of him that I had to walk away from.  Things should not be changing without him. He should be here with me to see it.  

 

Just so very hard to go on each day when I know things will never be the way they were again.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I agree Heff...too many supernatural happenings in my case to believe otherwise; both with my son and other family members who have passed that very much proved an afterlife to me firsthand....but I found the IANDS site to be helpful in processing this along with researchers in this area...

 

 

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