Loss of an Adult Child

[flocicero]

Steves mom- Im so sorry for how you are feeling, you have survived 3 years so you have strength & I look to you & others that have made it so far along. Im going into week 6 & have no idea how I can make it to 3 years. I will pray for you as you face these difficult dates.

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom....maybe you and i are going through the same agonizing grief journey.....we come along and go along...and then can't seem to find the will...or while...or wistful....to go on.....but ....hold my hand...and we will go on...and about...and here...and there...and every...where....up and down....some days... more down than up....but I just want you to know..that I am with you....for sure....this ain't no garden party.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee.... i need to hear from you...me...John David's Mom....me from you....for you have given me more gift of going on....no hurry...none.......

[Jeff's Mom]

I just want to say how much I feel for all of those that are just now going through the first stages of grief. We all understand fully how difficult it is to try to keep going and to find a place of peace. There are so many roadblocks along the way. One day we can feel ok and another barely able to get out of bed. I will be approaching five years this Christmas since Jeff died. I know at the beginning I felt alone and that nobody could possibly understand this loss but me. I floundered like crazy. Eventually in time the fog started to lift and daily routines became more comfortable. However there are times that never will be comfortable for me. Special holidays can trigger a deep sadness within. Still, we find the inner strength to continue for those that we love that are still with us. At the beginning I wondered about all of this grief stage stuff. What the heck was all that about? But I found out exactly what it meant. It takes time and a huge amount of patience. You need to heal from such a loss. That will not happen overnight. And those special birthdays, etc. will now be difficult to deal with. That is not going to go away. But what can happen is that we can find ways to make it easier to handle. As you slowly adjust to the new you there will be things that you can do to mark that day in memory by doing something special. It honestly does help. Sending wishes to all for a better day. Kate 

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanks for that posting Kate......you, Dee and so many others that have been on this site for years....such a help for me and others to know that the grief journey can be traveled....

    Last night....after feeding Randa and kids dinner....and they left....Daniel went to play poker....I was trying to figure out why I have such a 'fog of dread' for the holidays ahead....and just 'looking ahead'.....and it dawned on me that I am on the 3 year marker.....and the first two years...I was simply living a day by day way.....

  and now....it is like I have a new pair of glasses and 'see' the days...months...years...ahead....and that empty space left when John David left this earth home....

   it is like it stretches on and on and on.....this is how it is going to be...

 

I posted a photo yesterday.....and it kicked in a lot of thought.....it stayed with me all day....

    the absence of a presence....very profound.....

I feel like I am floundering.....a fish out of water.....I am guessing that all parents have the Waterloo moment where they realize......that this is it...

 

 

 

I am thinking that moving on with your life.....is a different journey that moving on without that child in their earth home...

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, at the three year mark we have finally shed the layers of our grief. The hard cold reality sets in for good. They are gone and not coming back. And we firmly grasp hold of memories to keep them alive in our heart. Many of us are terrified that as time passes they will be forgotten. But we both know that that could never happen. The protective layers are now gone. This is the hardest part. Getting on with life. I do know that my son lived life to the fullest and he would want that for me as well. My heart is permanently broken for his loss. But I am making a determined effort to keep as busy as possible and by doing so I find the days pass quickly. ..and yes living without them is something none of us ever expected to do. But life is hard and there is no thing as fair. It is what it is. We have to make the best of what we are given.

[Mermaid Tears]

 Once again...thanks Kate....

[tobyfreefoot]

i'm feeling so bad physically these days i don't get here much.  new meds are making me feel better mentally but between the sickness and my back and neck problems not doing too well. i am sorry. just scanning (my head hurts too much to read) i see even more new people. i wish i was able to be here for you. dee, kate susan all of you so good of you to keep helping and supporting everyone. i am also in that third year.  i thinkkthat is when i quit getting out of bed.  the battle to stay alive was over but the will to live was gone.  the new meds are making me want to do more if i wasn't so sick and has relieved that terrible sad weigh but that means what? i just go on like he never lived?  i hate that too

 

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Hello I am new to here as all of you I never in my life thought I would writing about losing my child to cancer of all things.

 

My oldest of 4 children just passed away practically a month ago. 10/9/2014 ...

 

His name is Jorge (pronounced George) 

 

We found out after him suffering all summer 2012 and a little before that in 2011 ....that by the help of a Chiropractor he had cancer. I took him to many hospitals all summer and no one could tell me what was wrong with my son why his leg was in so much pain. I took him to a Chiropractor in hopes of something helping him but he called us in the office and explained about what he could see from an xray... the onion layering damage that was going on with his femur bone. Together we cried all the way back to the ER to make sure they ran the right tests. We were then told yes he has a tumor and from there it all began...

 

He was diagnosed on Sept 27th 2012 from a biopsy done. Ewing Sarcoma (bone) cancer..... ..it has been THE most difficult thing to see your child well grown he was only 20 when he first started chemo and all that goes along with cancer. The first year was difficult but I now see that it was just a year of prolonging his life ...he only made it to live 2 years after he was diagnosed and this year starting in March was a deep deep decline in his health and with hardly no treatment options left I watched my son slowly dying...things just kept getting worse for him. After the chemo was done for a year he was only in remission for just two months and new years 2014 we started the New Year with him getting it right back and in 5 new spots. It would not let him go even if radiation helped a new one would grow.  His weight by March was already dropping fast ...come June we found out that he had a tumor growing fast behind his right eye thankfully they removed it all and he did not pass away from surgery. That was the ONLY tumor they could remove.....then came July and my son became paralyzed from tumors growing in his spinal cord and back. 

 

By Sept he was in hospice care and the many trips we had to make to the ER....he suffered all the way to the night he passed away it was such a hard thing to watch your child go through and experience. My son started out with having a bad day and they found that he had developed fungus in his blood... sepsis ...they put him on an IV right away but I didn't know that night would be his last night. I was woken up by his gf at 2 am because he was sick and throwing up ...he went through so much I won't go into all the details needless to say he passed away at 4:30 on the way to the hospital ....he could not have cpr performed because he had a lot of cancer in his ribs and the thought of them doing compression's and the pain of maybe them breaking his bones we decided that would not be an option for him....his gf called me she was in there with him that his heart had stopped they tried to intubate him but as they were unloading him from the ambulance and we ran in after him ....the  Dr said he was only breathing because they were doing it manually....he was gone already... my heart broke into a million pieces !!! and like all of you I know it will never ever be the same.... trust me I am thankful I do have 3 other children...my other son Jesse is 19 already and my girls 16 and 13...

 

Be HE was my first born the one who helped me to raise my children the big brother...he was like a dad to the other kids...my everything is gone...I struggle each day... 

 

I know many of you can relate ...thats why I am here.... I never thought I would loose him ...never see him be married have kids....just be there ....

 

there's so much to all this than I can possibly explain ..... my mind is constantly thinking of him rethinking what else I could of done ...but in the end I know I did everything we all did as a whole family... my kids would even go with him when he was stuck up in the hospital for 5 days we'd all take turns to make sure he was never alone. His treatments were far...we took him to another city for his treatments ..it was over an hour away but we did what was best and took him to one of the best hospitals.

 

I just wanted to share .....it's a very hard thing I'm sure you all agree to be given the gift of having that child be born into your world and raise that baby share all those moments to never know that one day they would have to leave this earth before you ....

 

 

I added a pic of him when he was 18 and then one taken this year with his gf...I am glad he was loved by his family and his gf that he just met this year in January. She really did care for him in his most hardest time ...

 

thank you for taking the time to listen ..... Marsha 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

marsha your son is beautiful.  i also lost my oldest of 4 who has been the "dad" to my younger 3. the first 3 years i didn't think i would live.  i see my other children are lost too.  they changed my meds and i feel better.  i had gotten where i didn't want to get out of bed.  i don't know.  i am so sorry. i know i am not too encouraging but it will get better. i promise you that and like me you don't have a choice, you have to live for your children. my children were older 18, 22, 23. my 22 year old lived with my oldest (and his girlfriend who also died) and my youngest was planning on it. my daughter was pregnant with her first baby. i can't imagine trying to keep it together with them at home. only it might have been some comfort to have them there. i'm just kind of rambling i'm sorry.  i just could relate, though i lost my boy forest suddenly.  i felt like i lost my partner.  i'm so sorry but hang on.  coming here has helped me so much.  there were somedays where breathing took effort but it did get better.  we all have to find our own way but having those at all different stages of this journey helped me know i wasn't crazy when i didn't "get over it" like those that haven't lost a child expected.

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btw now my husband has retired, he looks over my shoulder a lot and makes remarks like "oh you're on your grief site again" like i shouldn't be on here.  it is bothersome and keeps me off when i feel well enough to get on. <3 think of you all a lot and things i want to say but...love you

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen......I am glad your new meds are helping....and now....I hope you get some healing for the other issues....

 

Yes....this third year.....

   I had a huge meltdown last night...and a tiny little breakdown.....

 

I have had this 'fog of dread' since the 1st of September.....I put it on dreading the holidays....which I am...but last night I 'looked down the road'......and there was just an endless parade of days...holidays...gatherings...on and on....without my boy...and I guess I have not had those kind of thoughts or truth to hit me so hard....

 

I guess many that have hit that 3rd year gets on that ice slick....and takes a tumble...a hard fall....

   to be truthful.....I felt physically ill....

 

Kate said that is when the shock wears off and reality comes into sharp focus...I don't know why I have not seen that in the way I am seeing it now....there was something inside me that 'knew that'....that must be that 'fog of dread' I have been feeling.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Marsha, my heart ached when I read your post. Your son Jorge was such a handsome young man. I am glad you have found this site. You will be welcomed by others that really do understand what you are feeling right now.

 

Gretchen, I am glad that your meds are helping. I know you have the strength to get through this down time. Hang in there!

 

Susan, you have been so kind and comforting to everyone in your posts. I am sorry to hear that these past few days have been hard ones. Let the tears flow. Holding it in is not the best for your health. The anxious feelings you are having about the approaching holidays are so common for everyone experiencing loss of this magnitude. Take one day at a time and let your heart lead you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Marsha....what a handsome SONshine boy you have.....thank you for sharing your story and his....all of us on this site have lost a child...and when I say 'child'...they can be 2 hours old....2 years....10 years...50 years....they are still your 'child'...some have lost 2.....

   I lost my first born son...I have an older daughter...and then 4 more sons...and my son ...like yours....was that 'caring older brother'......I do believe there is a very 'unique' relationship between a Mom and her first born son....if she will allow it...it is almost like a partnership.....a 'team of two'.....

   you have a wonderful family of caring children....and loving support....and his GF really went the distance....and each of you did it because of love for that boy....and love is still there. All of you can wrap your arms around each other...cry..vent...cry some more....for each of you know you cry for the love of that boy.

     It is a horrific experience to stand by and watch your child suffer...and slip away...and I hope you and yours are dealing with that kind of tragedy in a healing way....Dee has said that we are so brave to live one day longer than our child...and you have really had a dark journey with his cancer even before he passed. So hard....and beyond sad. Many on this site has walked in your shoes.

   None of us are professional therapists....we are simply here to hold each others hands as we walk this grief journey.

      I am posting something I wrote a while back....I think I was just trying to find rhyme or reason...trying to find an answer to my 'Why my boy?'.....or just an answer to my 'WHY'....I seem to grope for some answer to hold on to...I hope you can find some solace in what I wrote....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I have been down at my mom's house again this past week. Been doing more and more trips like this. But I have been reading along...

 

...I had my husband's sister ask me last week about why I continue to post in a grief forum...she asked, "Doesn't it just keep you sad?" I know she did not mean anything by that, and she has been single all her life with no kids except for dogs so I know she does not get the enormity of the loss.  And the fact we are now facing a legal battle for the next upcoming months.

 

Like by not posting, I am really going to be less sad? or have less grief? or be able to pick myself up by the bootstraps and carry on with a bunch of meaningless activity in life? I need to time to reflect and work through grief, though I understand it is a never-ending process that will have its moments of strength and weakness.

 

So I look for those who are willing to hold my hand and walk this horrible path with me. Which is why I post...

 

I have recently ordered the 10th anniversary edition of the book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on Grief and Grieving...here is a link to the information I posted on it in the other thread. Definitely says some things in the book I have felt myself..

 

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/topic/4873-grief-healing-my-journey/#entry120724

 

Gretchen, sorry you are having a hard time...hopefully your husband will just accept this is what you need...

 

Sorry for all the newcomers who are trying to cope with their loss...it is a difficult road...but I have found many wonderful parents here who have helped me by just being there...read along, you can go back through this thread...I think it goes back several years...

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening and dreams of our loved ones...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

i'm feeling so bad physically these days i don't get here much.  new meds are making me feel better mentally but between the sickness and my back and neck problems not doing too well. i am sorry. just scanning (my head hurts too much to read) i see even more new people. i wish i was able to be here for you. dee, kate susan all of you so good of you to keep helping and supporting everyone. i am also in that third year.  i thinkkthat is when i quit getting out of bed.  the battle to stay alive was over but the will to live was gone.  the new meds are making me want to do more if i wasn't so sick and has relieved that terrible sad weigh but that means what? i just go on like he never lived?  i hate that too

Gretchen, here is a passage from my Elisabeth Kubler-Ross book that I thought about when I read your post:

 

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone. Why go on at all? Morning comes, but you   don’t care. A voice in your head says it is time to get out of bed, but you have no desire to do so. You may not even have a reason. Life feels pointless. To get out of bed may as well be climbing a mountain. You feel heavy, and being upright takes something from you that you just   don’t have to give. If you find a way to get through your daily activities, each of them seems as empty and pointless as the last one. Why eat? Or why stop eating? You  don’t care enough to care. If you could care about what was going on, it might scare you, so you   don’t want to care about anything. Others around you see this lethargy and want to get you out of your “depression.” Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether the situation   you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one   didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. When we are grieving, people may wonder about us, and we may wonder about ourselves. The heavy, dark feelings of depression that come with grief, however normal, are often seen in our society as something to be treated. Of course clinical depression, untreated, can lead to a worsening of one’s mental state. But in grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way. If you have the awareness to recognize you are in depression or have been told by multiple friends you are depressed, your first response may be to resist and look for a way out. Seeking a way out of depression feels like going into a hurricane and sailing around the inside perimeter, fearful that there is no exit door. As tough as it is, depression can be dealt with in a paradoxical way. See it as a visitor, perhaps an unwelcome one, but one who is visiting whether you like it or not. Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you in front of the fire, and sit with it, without looking for a way to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety. When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss. As you grow stronger, it may return from time to time, but that is how grief works.

Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth; Kessler, David (2005-07-19). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (pp. 20-22). Scribner. Kindle Edition.

 

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I must admit, I have not read too many books directly on Grieving, mainly because I am/was too pissed off about Jesse's passing...and still am...but Elisabeth is one of the few I think can wrap my head around (sort of, still processing all of this)...

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Thank you very much Gretchen... I know it's hard ... the people who would like to see me go out a little or just try to join in things are the ones who do not have children yet.. it's okay I just always thank them politely .. I'm sure I am headed for a lot of different things in the future. So sorry to hear about your son as well.... maybe it's harder because they were our first born I don't know...My partner now is not my children's father he came into our lives about 6 years ago but has been more of dad than their own father especially when my son Jorge got sick. My son Jesse is at a tremendous loss since his big bother was just that to him .... father figure, best friend and brother. My kids have always been close ..my little 4 pack always together ...

 

I think I grieve a lot more when I am alone or at work lost in my thoughts...I am trying not to cry in front of my kids when I am home I know it will just hurt them and bring it all back...It was always more harder for me at work while he was still so sick because I would be in the office and rushing to get home to see him and knowing he was not going to be around for much longer. It's still hard to be at work, but I have to be here since I have 3 younger kids. Believe me if I could I think I would do the same not get out of bed..it's hard to watch life evolve all around you ...people living and being okay but us ....we're not okay..I hardly crack a smile. 

 

I know some people stay away because they don't know what to say and it's ok ...I think I am ok with less people being around. Thankfully at work I have my own little office so I just work and keep to myself. I'm sure your husband just misses the old you...I think that's the biggest thing... you and I will never BE the same person that once was ... 

 

I will be thinking of you and please write if you want ..people have suggested therapy ..so I have looked to see what would be of a benefit to me in some way on my own.... thanks for your words and message <3 .. love you too take care Gretchen

 

many thanks to all of you for your understanding and for your kindness regarding my son ... Laurie, Kate and Susan THANK YOU for sharing that older post....it's exactly how I feel regarding my son ...

[ericasmom]

Marsha, I agree with Gretchen, your Son is so handsome, what a smile. I am so sad that he had to go through so much torment, and therefore all who love him did as well. God bless your Boy, he joins the ranks of so many precious and wonderful angels. Our kids lead us to meet and here you are. No more pain for him nor for any of our kids, but the pain rests inside those left here. We find ways to live with the pain, it becomes a piece of us, how could it not. We learn to adapt to this new piece, we never wanted it, never expected it, but here that thing of sadness is. And so we incorporate it into our lives, always a space just for that Child in our hearts while we do our best to carry their light with us, reminding us and others of just who that Child is in our lives. I hope you will come back and tell us more about your life, your Son's life.

 

Gretchen, I am sorry that you have been feeling so poorly. Is it the meds making you feel ill, or is it that old injury? Is the doctor aware of how badly you ache? Gosh I wish I could help. Please get the attention you need to heal as much as possible.

 

Becky you out there?

 

Laurie, so nice of you to write the words of the great EKR. I love that prophetic woman. She was able to say so much so concisely. You are a doll woman to provide these bursts of help on this site. We are grateful for your generous heart.

So you have been to Mom's again, helping out. You give and give, make sure that you get some rest too.

 

Lora, you out there?

 

Wade?

 

Ted?

 

Leah?

 

Betsy?

 

Trudi?

 

Betty?

 

Carol?

[Jims mom219]

Mermaid Tears and Kate- you are right about the three year mark. I am at 2 1/2 years from my Jim's death ( that still sounds so very wrong in so many ways, but I make myself use the word death). may 20 2012 and I feel so empty. I know My son was a loving husband and he had a son he adored who was seven when his Daddy died. I am grateful that he chose to live his life to the fullest every day surrounded by family, friends and people he just opened his heart to. I know I am still here for a reason because I prayed so hard for the cancer to take me - not him. But of course it doesn't work that way. It's just that it's hard to summon the energy to do things and even when I do - I'm just walking thru the steps- not really into the moment.

I know I could not have survived if the pain, despair and agony of the first year had continued into year two. Honestly I hardly remember year two. I think I just drifted thru it - grieving but cushioned by counseling and medication . Even though I'm still on meds nothing cushions me now. I clearly see my life without jim for years to come - I see it but I don't know how to live it. I don't want to "move on". That makes me feel like I'm leaving him behind and I can never do that.

Marsha- jim was also my firstborn and he was my rock and father figure to his younger sister. I also walked the cancer journey with him. Three surgeries; more chemo than you can count; EMS runs; 5 hour drives to the specialist hospital; pain; anxiety and tears.

I know your pain and your second guessing on what else you could have done. He is your beloved son and I'm sure you did everything possible. I seldom talk about his death -just his life. I see his suffering and his courage in my head everyday, but it's not a topic I will discuss. I am so sorry you had to walk that journey also. I understand the suffering in your heart. My prayers are with you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...thanks for posting that from EKR....I bought every book written by her after losing my John David...I had read some things by her....and it was in instinct kind of thing.....

   I need to re-read what she has written....in fact...that first year...her words did bring comfort....but...I can't remember it all...

 

I really got a lot of insight from what you posted today....once again...to be validated in what I am thinking and feeling are very normal.....

 

Dee....and Kate.....THANK YOU for your caring messages....

 

these people that have not lost a child....can never know what a touchstone this site can be for parents....

[Mermaid Tears]

Jim's Mom.....you wrote...'nothing cushions me now'......

  and that is just how I am aware of now....the 'shock suit' is falling around my knees....

 

I will have to adjust my sails for this new storm....

[1020314_alwaysmyloves]

Mermaid Tears and Kate- you are right about the three year mark. I am at 2 1/2 years from my Jim's death ( that still sounds so very wrong in so many ways, but I make myself use the word death). may 20 2012 and I feel so empty. I know My son was a loving husband and he had a son he adored who was seven when his Daddy died. I am grateful that he chose to live his life to the fullest every day surrounded by family, friends and people he just opened his heart to. I know I am still here for a reason because I prayed so hard for the cancer to take me - not him. But of course it doesn't work that way. It's just that it's hard to summon the energy to do things and even when I do - I'm just walking thru the steps- not really into the moment.

I know I could not have survived if the pain, despair and agony of the first year had continued into year two. Honestly I hardly remember year two. I think I just drifted thru it - grieving but cushioned by counseling and medication . Even though I'm still on meds nothing cushions me now. I clearly see my life without jim for years to come - I see it but I don't know how to live it. I don't want to "move on". That makes me feel like I'm leaving him behind and I can never do that.

Marsha- jim was also my firstborn and he was my rock and father figure to his younger sister. I also walked the cancer journey with him. Three surgeries; more chemo than you can count; EMS runs; 5 hour drives to the specialist hospital; pain; anxiety and tears.

I know your pain and your second guessing on what else you could have done. He is your beloved son and I'm sure you did everything possible. I seldom talk about his death -just his life. I see his suffering and his courage in my head everyday, but it's not a topic I will discuss. I am so sorry you had to walk that journey also. I understand the suffering in your heart. My prayers are with you.

Thank you! yes it was a tremendous battle... I later after he passed saw somewhere a link of a gentleman and how it was for him losing his wife to cancer.... it was a story that unfolded in pictures....in a way I wished I had seen it in January this year so that I could of did more to prepare myself. I know we were ALL going through the motions of what was happening we knew treatment was coming to an end...I hated the hospice people and the Dr's who told him early that year to just go to hospice.... they would call me at work and just upset me so much..... we delayed hospice til there was NO choice left because of the amount of pain he was in due to it being in his bones until he became paralyzed and couldn't go to his main hospital that was further away...I wished I would of took more pics with him, videos, that sort of thing.. 

 

Once he was gone all I could do was hold onto his little beanie hats that he used to wear at home ...he had a panda one, a Mike Wazowski one (from Monster's Inc.) a Dead Mau hat and a cute monkey one ... I took that a a shirt that he just wore that had his scent and went to sleep with it for almost 2 weeks after he left ... I still haven't moved back into my room...when he was coming back from the hospital and coming home to start hospice we traded rooms.. mine was bigger and had tile floors.

 

He needed the extra space for his hospital bed and all the other medical equipment...and I set up a bed next to him for his gf. It's changed now..my younger son took some of the things that belonged to him and has it in his room. I still look into that room since it has the connecting master bathroom... I can still see him in his bed... very hard at times...I used to wake up crying now it's still there but not as bad...

 

I do have my son's ipod...so I listen to his music and see his pics that he left in his phone and was so happy the day I found this one app that works like a walkie talkie...he was using is with my daughter... it left recordings of him talking on different days... listening to it can make me laugh and cry a lot but I am still thankful to hear his voice....

 

so much ...just too much to say....  I'm sure you have all sort of things that go through your mind as well. My heart goes out to you too ....  this definitely hit home with me "I know I am still here for a reason because I prayed so hard for the cancer to take me - not him" ... I TOO wished this over and over .... 

 

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Dee and all, I am here, but physically really bad. I am pretty sure I have torn the rotator on my left shoulder, after trying for months to recoup from the right one. I come on and read, but typing down to one hand, and still pinkie finger nerve damage in that hand. 

 

About a week ago. I thought I was feeling well enough to sit on the riding mower and cut the grass and cut up some leaves, when I hit a clump of something under a bush that got the mower stuck, and I tried raising the deck, turning off the blades, etc., and trying to 'rock' the mower to get it loose, and finally it moved, but by that night my arm was hurting, and by next day I couldn't move it. I went to the doctor and nothing broken, but mri scheduled. I know the pain well enough to know I have torn it. Pain pills and rest, sleeping in the recliner. 

 

My  hubby went and got me a sling, which helps, and all have been helping me wash and dress, and taking good care of me, but weekdays I am here alone. I struggle to get up and down and just to go to the bathroom. Followup next Monday.

 

I am so sorry for all the newcomers to this furum, so very sad. More later, all I can stand...

[Jeff's Mom]

Gosh Becky, this is not good news!!! What next? You poor lady. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the MRI will come back showing only something minor. Take care of yourself.

 

Susan, I am hoping that today is a better one for you. How is Tay doing?

 

Pam, I see that this is Michael's birthday today. We know how hard these special dates can be to get through and send prayers and love... as you remember all that was so special about your son.

 

Laurie, how are things going with the move? I am sure you are up to your yin yang with stuff to get done for your parents. Take it easy and don't get run down.

 

Sherry, how are things going in your neck of the woods? I hope that your Mom is able to settle in nicely into her new home.

 

Thinking of everyone, wishing you all a decent evening. Kate  

 

 

[shorty16]

Jims Mom,

You can never leave your Jim behind. Just like I could never leave my Brian behind.

I am 6 years into this grief journey and I have learned to take Brian with me. We talk during my new journeys. I swear, sometimes he answers me.

It was hard to be happy again without my boy, but once I brought Brian with me the first couple times, he follows me forever.

Please know, this process is so long, the realization that it actually happens is hard to pin-point.

Talk to your boy, do good things in his name and he will always be with you.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.......I'm pages behind reading posts, (as usual) and can't

catch up.

I'm so sorry for all the new parents who have come on this site recently.

To each and every one.....thoughts & prayers to you.

 

Kate----My mom seems to be settling in fairly well in her new surroundings.

Actually, she's doing better at adjusting than I would have thought. Of course

it's quite an adjustment for her, but she seems to be doing pretty well with it all.

Thanks for asking.   Is it getting colder by the day in your area? Fall is over, I guess.

 

Becky----I do so hope that the MRI will not show anything serious......but I understand

that the pain can be so hard to deal with.  Please take it easy, and I'm sending prayers.

 

Dee-----My mom is getting more visitors now that she's in the nursing home. Recently,

a relative with 3 small children (including a 6 mo. old baby girl) came to see her......and

of course, she was delighted to see the youngsters.   I, too, often think of all the folks

who aren't on BI anymore, and hope that they are doing well...though always on this journey.

We're no longer able to use the woodstove due to my husband's  sinus condition.....but that's ok.....don't

have to bother with the wood and ashes anymore.   How's school going?  Also,  I've been

so busy....not being able to get back to BI as often.........how's  little Erica & Michael?

Jon & Shannon must be so proud.....along with you and your husband, of course, and ERi  and

Michael smiling down.

 

 

Laurie-----

I think that everyone here knows the feeling of being taken aback when

someone asks why we would want to keep being on BI.  I think that BI helps......we're

still sad, of course,....always on this journey....but with understanding to help us along the way.

 

Marsha----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Jorge.  Being so very new on this

rough road of grief is so very painful, I know.  Keep coming to this site.....everyone understands.

Thanks for posting the pics of you son.....he's such a handsome young man.

 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes....the new parents on this site reminds all of us....of maybe where we were when we first put our feet on this grief journey...but.....we also know....the help and hands on this site helped us rise another day....knowing that we could and can survive....although the will to survive was buried in the grief....

 

tiny lessons....tiny words...tiny comforts....tiny phrases that were posted.....

 

some stay on this site for the mercy in their heart to help another parent in this darkest grief.....that is all....

 

 

Sherry.....because of you.....I think I may try to expand my 'gardening' lessons.....

 

am very happy that your Mom is acclimating to her new surroundings....it shows what a strong spirit and stamina she has to adapt to new places.....I was told that our ancestors also had that kind of persona.....so....I am in a foreign place and will adapt....

[Mandy's mom]

We lost our sweet beautiful Mandy 6 weeks ago. I have been wearing some of her shirts. It gives me some comfort of feeling close to her.

How do you grieve and find happiness. Any tips? I appreciate my little family and thank god for them - my husband and 17 year old son. My son is at an exciting time of his life. He is a senior and starting to contemplate colleges. I want to be there for him and I feel like I am in a deep well. A lot of the time I am going through the motions and when people are talking to me I am not really listening.

I am still avoiding friends and feel like I am this clingy person with my family. It is so opposite of my previous self.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mandy's Mom.....

    I, too, have many ...many blessings....and I am grateful...in fact the kind of gratitude that makes one go down on their knees.....

    I also have this deep grief....

  I discovered....grief is not a trade off....

I cannot trade my grief for the blessings...

and grief sometimes buckles me and I am on my knees with heavy grief...

but this grief is mine...for I should have grief and not hide it or try to explain it...for my grief is normal because my John David is not beside me on this earth home...

as Colleen has said...'make grief your friend'....and EKR has written that when you let yourself experience the grief you will have a better healing...

Dee and others on this site that let themselves go deep into their grief....and they have a better balance of being between their grief and grace...

[ldressle]

I woke up this morning with a terrible headache.  I have been under a lot of stress at work and haven't been able to give myself enough time to grieve.  I keep thinking this thing will get smaller but it just keeps getting bigger.  I wake up feeling so sad every morning.  It is like waking up from a bad nightmare everyday.  My head hurts from crying...so many tears...more and more keep coming.  I miss my son so much it hurts.  I want to see him again, touch him and talk to him.  I miss making his lunch and bringing him toast in the shower, I miss hearing him blow dry his hair in the morning, I miss hearing him at night when we go to bed - his room was right next to mine.  I miss him yelling "fooooodddd" Mom .....!  Foood....bring food.  I miss arguing with him about video games, I miss asking him to take the garbage out, I miss getting texts to pick him up from school.  I miss his smile, his hugs, his sweet ways.  I miss taking him to school in the morning and his music playing and his ipad going as he works on homework on the way to school.  I miss telling him have a great day son - I love you.  I miss him opening the door for me when I come home and asking "how was your day, Mom?" and being sincerely interested.  I miss hugging him - he would always say yes to a hug and collapsed in my arms - even though he was almost a foot taller than me.  I miss asking him to pick up his dirty clothes that were scattered all over the floor in his room.  I miss picking them up for him.  I miss folding his clothes.  I miss everything about my beautiful son, Benjamin.

 

Such a good kid!  So loved and so missed.

 

Hurting badly right now.

 

Lisa - Benjamin's Mom

[susand0873]

i lost my son phillip on august 28 2014 in a scooter accident he was taken from fast i never got to say goodbye. my heart is broken i miss him so much his birthday is this sunday dont know how to get through that day.

[Mandy's mom]

Thank you Mermaid tears.  Your post helped me.  I will try to keep them parallel - grief and grace.  That makes sense.  I was in a dark place last night when posting.

 

I love thinking about when I get up in the morning it is a fresh start each day.  This morning I have been looking out at the birds at my bird feeder and how happy they are.  My husband bought me a bird feeder for Valentine's day and it was one of the best gifts.  Now it keeps me busy with feeding them and watching them.  We get lots of them during the day and when I am down I will sit and look out the window and they can usually put a smile on my face.

 

Lisa - Thank you for sharing Benjamin with us.  You can see the love when reading your post.

 

Susanand0873 - I am sorry you lost your Phillip.   I lost my Mandy Sept 25 and her birthday was October 19th.  For her birthday we took a long walk in her memory and talked about her the entire walk.  It was a hard day but I was able to think of her and happy thoughts of who she was and what a special person she was.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

I hope everyone is having a nice day. 

 

[susand0873]

thanks mandys mom i will try that im so soory about your daughter my thoughts and prayers are with you

[Mandy's mom]

Susanand0873. Thank you! I think you will find this group is great support. You can feel the love and support here. It helps me talking about my daughter. People understand what you are going through. I am glad you found us!

[susand0873]

tnks mandy i hop so no one else gets it i didnt know where else to go hope this will help me

[Jeff's Mom]

I miss his crazy sense of humour. I miss his calls during the day to ask how I am doing. I miss making his favourite foods. I miss his crazy stunts along with his friends. I miss his huge bear hugs. Listening to his music. Jeff made loving him easy. It is losing him that is the hard part.  

 

The weather is gloomy today. A dark grey late fall sky. It has been misting almost all day. I dread the thought of snow coming. I know it is just around the corner. My brother is up in Churchill with his wife on a polar bear excursion. They are having a blizzard up there from what I understand. Old man winter is nipping at our heels. I think I'll put the Christmas lights on this evening. Although my husband's aunt would have given me a lecture for having done so before Remembrance Day. Just for tonight to bring some cheer into the place. This is definitely the night for a warm cozy fire and a huge bowl of popcorn with a good movie.

 

Thinking of everyone and hoping your weekend is a decent one. Love to all, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night....

Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

[flocicero]

Its been a terrible week; instead of getting better, i feel like i'm getting worse. Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since i lost my beautiful son Michael. I'm so very angry at his "girlfriend"; she just left him to die in his room and robbed him in the process! I didn't piece it all together for a couple days but it was my younger son who told me all that was missing-i could care less about what missing-i'm just incredibly angry that someone who was supposed to love my son just ran from his room leaving him to die. there's nothing anyone can do, police don't have the proof and they can't charge her with his death since it was a drug overdose regardless that she didn't call for help.  i don't know if i will ever get past this, i'm tortured with thoughts of him choking upstairs in his room while i was in the kitchen cleaning!! I should have gone in and checked on him after she left so quickly but i thought they had a fight. Not sure how to get through the holidays; his birthday is Dec 20th.

 

I'm reading books on grieving and picked up the book "Heaven is for real", i need to know he's safe and at peace. i miss my boy so much......

 

[ericasmom]

Laurie, that photo is just technicolor beauty, the bike ride. Yes, it is hard to believe that this is from the past. I do get that.

 

Lisa, your Sweet Benjamin is a gem, he is a true sweetie from the word go. I know how dearly you miss his presence, his essence. It is going to get harder for a while, the shock is wearing off in little pieces and it leaves you raw and open to more pain. It is a normal part or phase of grief even though this is an abnormal time. Keep talking about him, his life, your lives together. It is important to be free to tell your stories of your Child, this is the place to tell and retell. It is also healing to see and hear your Son's name spoken and written. Some people quit saying the names of our Kids thinking that it will make us feel worse but if we could just convey that nothing can make us feel worse, and that the name of that dear Child is music to us. Music. Say Benjamin's name and write it and read it and talk to him outloud if you can. I do believe he will hear you.

 

Susan, tell us more about you and Phillip. My girl died at the same age but 11 years ago. She was in an accident with a train. There is nothing more terrible Susan than this constant missing, this daily punch to the gut that our Kids are gone but I promise you and all those new to this hard hard journey, that it will not always be this difficult. One day, but not for a long while, you will feel like laughing again, you will feel like having dinner withfriends...but right now, you are consumed by the loss that has shattered your heart. Grief takes time and it is not to be denied. We are here to assist when we can, as those who have been here for a while--here because we know that our Kids want us to find goodness again. They need us to stand where they no longer can. We will help you stand in the light that Phillip is shining for you.

 

Mandy's Mom, Michael's Mom, so many tears, so much loss and I wish I could have made it so that you never needed a place such as this. Please just keepcoming back and telling your stories, they are important and they do help you heal.

 

 

[susand0873]

My son phillip was on a scooter going to get gas for his friend he was coming around a turn list control hit a telephone pole and was thrown off the scooter he was such a sweet boy and I miss him so much

[susand0873]

Mikes mom I m so sorry to hear about your son I lost my son August 28 not sure how to get thru the holidays either his birthday is ️tommorrow

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....sometimes a photo needs no words.....how profound.....

 

 

When I read about NDE.....I sometimes have little fantasy daydreams about 'where' John David would be...that scene in the photo comes close to where I know he would be so at home....

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan....so sorry of your loss of your SONshine boy.....and all parents on this site know how we dread those marker days...anniversary...birthdays....

   We understand that a birthday marks that day when that angel from heaven slipped off a cloud and was placed in your arms and hearts....and there was JOY in abundance...and how hard it is to face that birthday with all the memories of cake..ice cream and fun and presents you and your boy shared....I wrote this sometime ago and posting it for you...please tell us more about your Phillip and you....we never get tired of hearing about your child...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....I do believe if my Essie was here.....she would tell you to light your Christmas lights in July....if that is what makes your heart happy....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I see on the Weather forecast.....you and many on this site are in for a very cold front....hope you can still do your walking....how are the GRANDchildren....??

 

 

For many of us on this site....that are 'stuck' on our 3rd year marker....please give us insight as to where you were ...and how you were feeling.....'what was going on in your head'......how was the physical reactions.....where were you spiritually...emotionally.....??

    Do you remember when you felt yourself 'healing'.....??

  Do you remember when you could pick up a few pieces of your heart ?

 

I know you went back to teaching school......

when did you feel like going out and about ?

What top priority changed for you?

What was the biggest shift ?

 

You don't have to answer all the questions today....for I know you will have to put yourself back in 'that place and year'....just take your time....you are such a touchstone for so many of us.

[susand0873]

My son was the joy of my my first born and he was the sweetest most giving person you would ever meet would do anything for anyone we had a falling out this past year because I sent him to live with his dad after he begged me since he was 14 so I didn't see him for the past year that is guilt I will have forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, I know it may not seem like it at this time...but you gave your son the gift he asked for. To live with his dad was his wish. To connect with his father. He had that year. How could you possibly have known what lay ahead? He sounds like he was such a decent young man. Tell us more about him when you are able.

 

Susan, two months after Jeff died my MIL was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer and was given approximately a year to live. We were her only primary caregivers at the time... as my husbands sibling lived in another city. We threw ourselves into her care. Palliative surgery, doctor appts. etc. It was a long and tough road. But for me it was a way to throw myself into doing something that kept me busy and focused away from Jeff's death. And it was an intense year and a half. What did give me comfort was hearing her speak of a couple that came to her room every day to visit. She asked them to leave... as she did not feel up to company. They told her they were there to help her. She told them she was not going anywhere! That was my MIL...stubborn and tough to the last breath. We spoke to the head nurse on her ward. They told us they heard these stories daily and that nobody fitting the description of those two had been seen in her room. She then told us of our son coming to visit her at night the week before she died. That she called for the nurse to show him out of the hospital as he had told her he had not been there before. I totally believe that she was visited by those that came to help her to cross over. I am not a deeply religious person. More spiritual. But at the three year mark I had that woman come up to me and tell me that she had a message for me from my son. That clinched it for me. This is for real. Life does continue and from that moment on my faith was beyond firm in my belief that I would see him again in time. That made losing him more bearable. Throwing myself into keeping busy and focused on other things beyond his death also was a great help. Eventually in time I started to notice that I was not always thinking of Jeff and life started to pull me back into participating again. I knew with certainty that he was Ok. That made living easier, as I did not have to worry about him any longer. Happiness again came back into my life. Even when my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer after her death I found the strength that came from the gift I had been given from his message. Today...almost five years down the road we have been through much. But we have changed our priorities big time. We no longer sweat the small stuff. We enjoy the little things in life that give us the greatest pleasure. And we take nothing for granted. Life is temporary and we have come to appreciate how precious it truly is. Living each day as if it were your last is not such a bad thing. So get out there and enjoy it! Instead of focusing on what we don't have we focus on that we do have and are grateful for it. Life can be hard and often it seems unfair. But there is also much beauty and courage to be found around all of the crap...if you know what I mean. Look for the goodness.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Francesca, I thought Heaven was for Real was good, I also bought Dr. Mary Neal's book which was also helpful. Her son passed away by being hit by an unattentive driver who ran him over.

 

Kate, I agree with Susan, if the lights make things easier for you, I would do it. I truly believe that someone we love comes to get us when it is our time to pass.

 

Susand, I agree with Kate. If it was his wish to spend some "dad" time it was a good thing that you had him follow his heart. It doesn't mean he loved you less, just that is what he perhaps needed.

 

Becky, thought of you last night and said a prayer...

 

Debbie, how are things in Montana?

 

Thinking of those today who we haven't heard from in awhile. You are in my thoughts today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....thank you for posting your amazing story and journey for all of us....I remember 'some parts'....but....as you know....the 'fog' is thick at times.....I do know that EKR was adamant that our loves ones do not die alone....and remember that little booklet I found in my parent's things...'Walter Doesn't Live Here Anymore' and the deathbed experience...and the many NDE stories...and the accounts from Hospice workers....

 

also...your Faith and courage make a light on my grief journey....

 

I hope you turn the Christmas lights on....

 

I, too, ditto Laurie.....thinking of all the parents who have been walking the grief journey with us....

wishing you the gift of good days....

 

Becky.....please do not ever try to mow the yard again....til you are 100% restored.....our Warrior Mom needs to heal...

 

Shannon..Carol...Wade...Lora...Sandy...Cherry...if all you can do is read....that is just fine....hope all is going good...

[ericasmom]

Susan, I went back to teaching 6 weeks after Erica was killed, summer was over adn school was starting so I tried it, was not sure that I could do it, but as it turned out, it was the best thing for me, to be back serving the needs of third graders. No, the grief did not go away, but I was needed for 6 hours a day and could not take a break during that time and each day found me smiling. Kids are the magic for me, they are so profoundly connected to the world, and it was through that daily interaction and my daily walks, that I found myself healing. I still had tearful times, still do. I wanted to be out and about early on, resuming my walks as soon as we were back from Kalamazoo after Eri died. I went to less crowded events than I had in the past, not liking that feeling of crowds or closed in with a crowd. My desire to be near home remains, I don't like going far away. I don't like planning too much in advance. I don't want to count on anyone or anything, need to count on me. Me and God and Eri. When we were in our third year, we were deeply entrenched in a law suit against the town of Kalamazoo and AMTRAK...so my energy was there as well. Once we ended our fight in court, at the four year mark, I was grateful that we could move forward and out of the negativity of the fight. That felt good for me but it hurt Michael, the kids' Daddy, he wanted some way to keep fighting for Erica. It is so individual, but therapy was a must for me and being outdoors no matter the weather, and being here with those that 'get' it. At around the 2nd month or maybe earlier, I was walking through the woods one day and i felt something tingling and warm on my head, as though something physical was pored onto my head...I looked up but at that moment the feeling was keenly Erica at peace, it was my Girl showing me how it felt to be peaceful. At that moment, I knew that ERi was better than fine. She shared the warmth and magical feeling of peace.

While it is getting blustery and cold, there is something quite wonderful about this change to cold weather, and it is good for walking too.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, thanks for sharing your story about Eri....I was and continue to very touched by the happenings that surrounded her...it was good that you found what you needed so early on and that it was a healing to you. I too have found myself being more shy around crowds...liking a little more space....so going down to Milwaukee is always a challenge in that sense...

 

Kate, wishing you and Ross a healing time and to enjoy the upcoming days with the bit of cold in them that is so crisp in the mornings...

 

I always like to drink a bit of warm mulled apple cider around this time...

 

Susan, thanks for your continued words of kindness and encouragement to all....