Loss of an Adult Child

[Steve s mom]

Another Halloween Missing Steve.

 

He loved Winnie.

[Mandy's mom]

Today at Costco I bumped into a friend. She hugged me and said she was sorry. I then asked how her son was. As I listened I realized I shouldn't have asked. I guenuinly care but can't handle listening. As I was walking through Costco I thought of how everyone is happy enjoying their Halloween and I am just trying to get through another day.

[MissKylie]

Everyday, i drag myself to function as normal but i know i'll never be back to my old self again. I used to believe that all dreams can come true as long as i work hard for it. I can only keep on dreaming until it's my time to go home too and see Kylie again. My little boy has Kylie's smile which is such a bitter sweet experience. Tonight i took a nap next to Kylie's grave. This morning, i dreamt of her touching and pinching my cheek and woke up so happy. I thank this site for helping me figure out what to do next with my life, while i'm limping, feeling lost and broken.

[Mandy's mom]

MissKylie that was a beautiful dream. My son has Mandy's laugh so I know what you mean about being bitter sweet. My son keeps me busy driving him around which is a good thing. This sight is wonderful!

[shorty16]

Hello to all those new to this site,

First, let me say how sorry I am that your child died. My 16 year old son, Brian died June of 2008 in a car crash....completely preventable. My son and his friend were on the hood of the car...the 3rd boy, driver, reached speeds of 68 mph with those 2 boys on the hood. The driver lost control, took out 2 trees and the 3rd tree stopped the car. Brian flew off after the car hit the 1st tree and died within minutes. The other 2 boys walked away. The crash site is 1/4 mile from our home.

The reason I am sharing this is because I really want the new parents to know they are not alone in their grief. Each one of us have traveled different, horrible paths to reach the same outcome,

The physical, emotional, and spiritual pain you feel now will not always be there. I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. With time, you will see the light again. You will laugh, tell jokes and enjoy life again...but the life you enjoy is different. That is the real trick to this grief, is learning to live all over again.

Please try to make grief your friend. Because, grief is not going anywhere. We must learn to give grief it's time. As time goes on, you will actually learn to control your grief...most of the time.

It has been a while since I shared Brians story. I usually say he died in a car crash and leave it at that, but here, I do not have to be embarrassed on how Brian died. I do not have to feel like a horrible mother, because my son made a really bad choice.

Thank you all for that

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[shorty16]

Leah

I think your insight as a Grandma..and not the mom...is beneficial to all of us. I am 6.5 years into this sight and I am not going anywhere.

I enjoy your posts and really hope to see them again.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[daveydow1]

Mandysmom----I am sorry that you are in a dark place on this journey.  Hang on...

we're here for you at BI.  Wishing you peace & comfort, friend.

 

Susan----Yes...I agree...the work that we have in our lives actually keeps us

going on this rough road. It is a line for us to hold onto. The care and concern

we give to others in the family, and friends may sometimes feel overwhelming,

I know.....but I guess we still need the day-in-day-out tasks to give us structure

and keep us from spinning out. Sending prayers for dear Tay,  that she may

recover from the infection with your loving care & concern.

 

MissKylie----I know what you mean by thinking that you cannot go back to

your 'old self'.  I guess that's just not possible for anyone who has lost a

beloved child. The loss alters us forever.  I know you miss your sweet little Kylie so much. 

Thanks for posting the nice pics.

 

 

Leah-----My goodness....8 years gone by since you lost your sweetheart, JaBoa. Your post

was so heartfelt and sincere.  I have felt like I know you, too, Leah, and have felt your pain

and sorrow over the years when you talked about JaBoa and her sweet ways.  I always like to

think that when folks who have been on BI for a time....whether short or a long time....and are

no longer on the site much,....that they have found some measure of strength from others here and

of course, other places, and have found some happiness in the new way they have had

to adapt in their lives.  I will miss you so much, Leah,....but do still hope to see your posts

from time to time.  Wishing you peace and tranquility, my friend.

 

Dee----My sister came yesterday to drop off some important papers I need, regarding

mom's care etc.,,,,and I gave her the nice bag I bought to hold a few different colors of

yarn, and some of her crochet needles to take to my mom.  My sis lives very close to the

nursing home...so gets over there more often than I am able.   There were a couple of crochet

things that she had started, so maybe she'll continue on them. I believe that she had given up

the crochet, in part, because of her depression when she lived alone.  She has become more

animated and engaged in talking to others now that she's in the nursing home, along

with the benefits of physical therapy. We are encouraged with her progress.

 

 

PEACE   AND   A   GOOD   NIGHT'S   REST   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-

[alley0018]

Hi. I am new to this site and am nervous about sharing as I am feeling heartbroken and shattered and very alone tonight. I lost my daughter Christina on October 1, 2008. She had cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. Her new lungs rejected after about 2 years. She suffered so much and I couldn't even help her get better. Eight and a half months later still in shock I lost my other daughter Jennifer also to cystic fibrosis and a lung transplant. Se passed away on June 18, 2009 from kidney, liver failure and then brain dead. My world shattered and I feel like ME no longer exists. No day is ever easy. I find I must keep myself exhausted so I can fall into bed and hopefully fall asleep for a few hours. I feel so empty and unhappy without my girls. Not many can understand. Some are no longer friendly with me because they couldn't handle my loss! Really? I feel mad, disappointed, panicky at times. I tried therapy and tried some medication but really after a time what can it do for you? Life is what it is- nothing is going to change what happened. I take small baby steps. I put one foot in front of the other and keep trying to go. Christina was 34 and Jennifer was 31. God help me to keep going because sometimes I just want to stay frozen crying my eyes out. The only thing I know is they are with The Lord in a far better place with no more pain and no more cystic fibrosis but I miss them so much! A bomb went off in my life and I feel like humpy dumpy but only the pieces for me cannot be put back together because I am no longer ME! I came upon this site and find myself reading especially those who have lost two daughters but then reading some of the others and feeling such pain for all of you to have lost our babies. God help us all to keep taking those baby steps feeling such pain as we do.

[alley0018]

Thanks, Everyone, for the encouragement and understanding. Erin was born with cystic fibrosis. She was pretty healthy until 6 years ago when she developed complications from infection. In Feb of 2013 she was discharged from the hospital with hospice care. This time last year I was watching her die, all the while hoping for a miracle. Jan 15 of this year the miracle came. She received a double lung transplant. Although she did well initially, over the next 9 months, body systems shut down one by one. She asked to be taken off life support on Sept 22. She was 29 yrs old.

I feel as though I have been watching her die for almost 2 years. So why am I so numb? I should feel some relief. People tell me all the time, "she's not suffering any more", "she's in a better place"...I don't care and please stop saying that to me! It doesn't help and it doesn't comfort me. There isn't a death related cliche' in existence that can make me feel ok. I wanted things to be different. 4 days before she died she got married. I wanted her to live with the man she so loved. I wanted to see her thrive! Why didn't the "miracle" work?

Some days I want to be dead too. Some days I feel dead. Most days I cant stop crying. I want to find peace. I want to feel less broken. I want to feel comfort outside of my home, not just within.

[alley0018]

Thanks, Everyone, for the encouragement and understanding. Erin was born with cystic fibrosis. She was pretty healthy until 6 years ago when she developed complications from infection. In Feb of 2013 she was discharged from the hospital with hospice care. This time last year I was watching her die, all the while hoping for a miracle. Jan 15 of this year the miracle came. She received a double lung transplant. Although she did well initially, over the next 9 months, body systems shut down one by one. She asked to be taken off life support on Sept 22. She was 29 yrs old.

I feel as though I have been watching her die for almost 2 years. So why am I so numb? I should feel some relief. People tell me all the time, "she's not suffering any more", "she's in a better place"...I don't care and please stop saying that to me! It doesn't help and it doesn't comfort me. There isn't a death related cliche' in existence that can make me feel ok. I wanted things to be different. 4 days before she died she got married. I wanted her to live with the man she so loved. I wanted to see her thrive! Why didn't the "miracle" work?

Some days I want to be dead too. Some days I feel dead. Most days I cant stop crying. I want to find peace. I want to feel less broken. I want to feel comfort outside of my home, not just within.

[alley0018]

Chris: I am so sorry to hear you lost your daughter Erin to cystic fibrosis. I know how you must feel after I myself have lost two daughters Christina and Jennifer to cystic fibrosis also. You are right even before they passed it was like watching them suffer so in the years that preceded their death. Christina and Jennifer passed away eight and a half months apart . They were in two separate hospitals- neither hospital willing to transfer. They were like an hour and a half away so we would go back and forth to both hospitals trying to be there for both girls . This went on from May to October 2008 and then Christina passed at age 34 on October 1, 2008. Jennifer passed on June 18, both were painful deaths and devastated our entire family. They no longer want to speak of my daughters feeling as if it's too painful and yet I feel I have to. God help you as you put one foot in front of the other trying to get through life as best as you can. I came and wish you well. Ally

[Mermaid Tears]

Alley....I lost one son....and there are postings from parents that has lost 2 children and I can barely wrap my mind around that....were they your only children ? And I can also be in awe of the amazing stamina you had to maintain with both girls in separate hospitals to keep the vigil.....

  we have no answers on this site...only parents that can come to this site and be understood....no one has to explain what they are feeling....for we have common ground in grief.....but we all know our grief journey will be as unique as our child was unique....some have a great support circle around where they live.....some don't.....some have a strong family circle....some don't.....some have lost their only child.....every grief has a different situation and experience.....and different shade of dark.

     I think crying and tears are good for our grief....I think we 'have' to mourn....to work through this grief. We should have a period of abject longing and pain and missing our child every minute to have a healthy grief journey. We get no map or compass to guide us.....on this site....many parents have thrown a life jacket to me when I was going down...down...down...and it kept me afloat til I could make my way to shallow waters....in the stage I am now....I 'float'....and I am surviving. Please tell us more about your girls and how you are doing. We are here to hear you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Alley, I echo all that Susan has said. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughters. I wish there was something that I could say that would help you in easing the pain. We both know that is not possible. What I can tell you is that you have found a place where you can be yourself and understood. It is natural for others to withdraw from a parent when they suffer the loss of a child. What could be more painful or difficult to endure? However, we have all gone through this heart wrenching loss and can relate completely to your ups and downs. In particular your struggle in trying to find the new "you". A place where you will feel more at ease with the changes that occur to your life when loss of this magnitude happens.

 

I watched my son suffer from severe depression his entire life. He worked hard at trying to keep it at bay. He was a hard working young man and was not into drugs, alcohol, etc. He managed to keep his depression well hidden. Mostly because of the stigma attached. On December 12, 2009 he had dinner with us and then went into his room. When we found him he was barely breathing. We performed CPR on him and unfortunately we felt him take his last breath. That moment haunts me every minute of the day. I have worked as hard as I can to move forward. The new me is someone that surprises me at times. I dug deep within and found sources that I did not know I even had. But there you are. It takes deep soul searching and this pain to bring it out. I do know that after almost five years I see how much more precious life is. I find joy in the little things in life that God has provided. For me, my faith sustains me, and I am ever so confident that I will see him again. And so I look not so much on his death as permanent, but... "until we meet again". That somehow makes it more bearable.

 

I am thinking of everyone today and my sincere wish is that your day will be softened in some way and you can find a degree of peace. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....we got a 'norther'....and it really cooled us down here in South Texas.....really pretty weather.....I always feel like I am on vacation when the humidity is this low.....so foreign for us here....

     here it is November 1st......for some reason....I still have that 'fog of dread'....for the holidays coming up...even more so than the last two years....maybe my personal compass is trying to find a map for this personal grief journey....keeping the family intact...moving forward....keeping my balance....I do want acceptance and peace ....not surrender and stoic....I don't want to go through life with a 'grin and bear it' attitude....I know this is a day by day walk and learn ....some days I just limp and slouch..I am thinking I need to get outside more....I read Sherry's posts  about gardening....and think....'hey...I can grow more than tomatoes.....maybe some raised beds....become a little wiser in all the things my GRANDmother's knew...I even bought a DVD on how to crochet......I have the last 'gift' John David gave me....it wasn't my birthday or Mother's Day....he found an antique portable easel..plus many canvases at a garage sale....and gave it to me...wanting me to start painting canvases again....the last canvas I painted was this huge painting in 1997....since then I have been painting furniture...mosaics....creating one of a kind wreaths..(and give them away)....and I 'created' my walls in my house when we moved in...took me 3 years to do those....I wanted the look of a vintage Italian stucco house/walls.....for now....I am not in the zone to create a  painting....I cannot force that....that has to come from within.

   Tay is coming over....will love and pet on her today....

had a great time last night with Pibby and her friends...Randa and friends...and all the Trick-r-Treaters...

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, I have a very strong feeling that with the love that surrounds you by your family...and your own personal strength... you will once again be creating those much loved paintings... when you are comfortable and the time is right. I somehow feel that John David will be standing there cheering you on! I too dread the thought of the upcoming holidays. It is hard as far as the memories are concerned. We have tried very hard to start some new traditions and they honestly do help. I must say that the first two years I could have cared less. It does change and soften with time.

 

We have had some very cool weather lately. Today is a very nice day and the sun is quite bright and still sending out some warmth. We plan to put up our Christmas lights and outdoor decorations while it is still warm enough for our hands not to freeze. I have always wanted to learn how to crochet. Perhaps you could make a baby receiving blanket...put it away for the next grandie. My mother used to do some very nice needlepoint. In the days that people had the dreaded parlor chairs. I did try my hand at it, but that was ions ago. As far as gardening? Well, the idea of a raised garden is ideal. It does save on bending over and hurting your back. I am very much into container gardening these days and hanging pots. I am slowly changing more gardens into perennial. There is nothing nicer than going into your own garden and picking fresh vegies for a fresh garden salad. I also grow herbs that I love to use in my cooking.

 

We were prepared for Halloween last night with the usual goodies. The stuff that Ross loves. And a good thing too! it was very cold and there were not many children as we live in a really quiet area by the lake. Hopefully I can post some pics of my granddaughters in Calgary. I love the little ones when they are all dressed up. I imagine Dee had a great time last night. Enjoy your time with Tay this weekend. I know your loving hands will work magic with her recovery. Good luck.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

What have I learned since I have joined this site?

 

How so many people from across the world, can join their hearts and offer someone else hope and comfort, even in their own great pain.

 

That the sorrow of losing a child or other great losses is the same no matter if you are from India, Africa, Australia, Phillipines, Australia, Canada, the UK or where ever. Suffering knows no boundaries.

 

That we can "virtually wipe" the heartbreaking tears from our fellow sufferers even if we cannot stop them from falling.

 

That we can walk with one another the best we can, offering kind words for today.

 

That is what I have learned. 

 

Wishing everyone a gentle day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...I think what you posted is what all of our hearts say....thank you...that was simply amazing.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Laurie for the lovely way you said what you did. Absolutely right-on.

 

Happy November 1st, done with Halloween which Erica sure did love. I did and still do, but differently. I get to enjoy it through my third grade students who dress up, I dress up with them, (this year a fortune teller complete with third eye on forehead) and I also get to enjoy it with the two baby-loves in my life. Both however were running low grade fevers yesterday. We all met at the other Grandparents home to trick or treat with Erica and her cousin Lucia. Lucia was a monkey and Erica was Sully, a furry little monster. Good thing the girls were in warm outfits, it was 38 degrees with 50mph winds. We have Kate's Canadian air. We visited 4 houses, plenty for an 19 month old and a 20 month old. Little Dude, (skeleton) stayed back with the Pa-Pa's. When I get photos I will share.

 

Susan, have a good heartfelt healing time with Tay. I wish her all the good health and joy as she is warmed by your love.

 

Alley, your double heart-break is palpable, I am so glad that you found us here. It is here that so many of us find a place to rest in our stories and our lives, knowing that we will not make anyone run from us because we all get it. Only those that have lost two children fully understand the ache of such tragedy, but we all know tragedy, we all know the ache that lives in us, and the joy that we have when we can share our stories of out kids. We will always be their parents, nothing can take that away, not illness or accidents. Your two Girls went through so much, they must smile like double rainbows on you.

 

WE are all gussied up to attend a wedding at the Art Institute of Chicago this evening. Thank heavens the 20 foot waves have subsided on the lake front.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Hello my family,

I know its been Long since i posted. Ive been without internet for along time. Im currently sitting in mc donalds letting my boys play while i barrow the net. I cant belive a year has past since my sweet baby was born into heaven. Some days are easier and others are not. Although i hv made progress. I threw my little sister a baby shower last week. I had a panick attact the day i went shopping and after the baby shower but i held it together during . Little wins is where im at. Please pray for my sister sarah that my nephew is born healthy . She has two in heaven with my bella as well. We hv two and a half months to go. I am soooo very thnkful for you all. I know no matter how long im gone you will always be here when i come back. On sept. 24,2013 my life changed forever. My heart will always be missing her.. This year on her.angle day her big brothers made her a cake. We wrote message to her put them on balloons and let them go at the exact min. She was born into heaven. Jay my 4 year old watched them float high into the sky until they were gone and said now they are in heaven with sissy. Auatin my 10 year old still brings me gifts in honor of her for my. My middle son 8 riley still dosent say much and my jeremiah still plays with sissy he says and as you all know being parents how unfiltered open hearted four year olds are he has taken to telling people about his sister. When he sees a pic. Of a baby or a little baby he walks up and says i hv a baby sister to but shes dead and thats it. Thinking of it now its alittle funny when you see some of the shocked looks on peoples faces and then i scramble to explain. I am finally seeing some joy at this year mark but each momment is always not as joyish with the thoughts of she should be here. Is this what shed look like now? She would be walking soon sayin mama giving kisses just starting to truly show who she is. I hv a neice who ive just started watching shes two months older than my bella. It wasnt easy at first but i dnt ever want her to go home now , lol. As we play dress up i feed her a bottle ect. I think this should be bella and in truth for one moment in one day i had to stop myself once i almost called her bella. But ofcourse i know shes not. My bella is dancing in heaven with her friends. Isabellas stuff still hasnt been moved her crib her stroller her everything remains. Im ok with it , its just become normalcy to see it. But ive started to wounder how the boys feel about it. I gave my neice a set of butterfly wings that were bellas. I knew she would enjoy them and my sister in law would care for them but my austin saw and he flipped out i never expected that. We went to my church last night and for the first time this fall it felt like fall ! Lol im in cali and its still hot like summer out here they are talkin high 80s in my area by mid week. Austin was a ninja , riley harry potter , and my jay was the snowman from frozen. I made his costume by hand. it took hours and i dnt think it turned out good but i made a great effort. Oh i inrolled jay in preschool finally this year, so now i hv no one at home but me. Wich free time and my mind still dont work well together so i clean sometimes try and nap and i walk my jay to and from school oh and i also volenteer when i can handle it. Anyway my boys are getting tierd and its getting late as i look at the time. Thnk you for continuing to always be here for me. I hope to hv internet reg. Agen soon , oh happy plus for the first time in my life i am now the proud owner of a real computer ! Lol even as a kid i never had one at home. To all my new family, welcome im sorry your here . You are their mommy , daddy , brother , sister, ect. You are allowed to mourn as "you see fit for as long as need be. These people here know they understand. Say yell and do what you need here you wont Be judged only loved. To all the oldTimers thnk you for continuing to share you love and your angles. To all of our Angles let them never be forgotten ,by others because they lived here on earth changed us forever &now Live forever in heaven and In our hearts, love wendy

[Margo60]

Hello everyone,

 

I lost my adult son exactly 3 months ago today.    I'm heartbroken and devastated.   I go through periods of extreme anxiety/panic and depression.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to flip out or go crazy.   I feel like I'm in a bad dream on a roller coaster ride.     I feel like everything is magnified 100x.  Anyone else feel like this 3 months later?   I guess I was in shock the first two months.  

[Mandy's mom]

We moved to our house last December.  I was hoping for trick or treaters.  We are out in the country and didn't have any.  Today I have been eating a few too many snicker bars.

 

Today was a nice day.  My husband and I went out for lunch.  We were able to sit and enjoy being together.  We talked about Mandy and I was able to enjoy talking about her and not cry.  It was so nice. 

 

I hope everyone is doing okay.  My thoughts are with you.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Wendy....good to hear from you....you are doing the 'right and good' things for your boys....children grieve on another level...they are still so fresh and open.....and love comes from every pore.....we do know you have a heavy layer of grief with every step forward....but you are carrying yourself and the boys in a forward motion....and life is for the living...every day is a gift.

[Mermaid Tears]

Margo....am so sorry to hear of the passing of your son....please tell us more about him and you. Panic attacks..anxiety...feeling like you are going crazy......ALL of those emotions are normal.....you will grieve for your son in a unique way...just as your child was unique.....but there is common ground in this kind of grief. And yes....you are in shock...in fact...the 'shock suit' will fit tight for a year or more. Loss of a child....and it doesn't matter if your child lived 2 hours...2 years...10 years....50 years.....they are still your child....and this is a very dark and hard grief journey to travel. All of us on this site are here for we need people that understand our journey....and all of us are here to hear you.

 

 

 

 

Mandy.....so glad you had a nice day.....I call them 'gifts'....for they are such a welcomed surprise.

[ericasmom]

Margo, as Susan said, the first year is filled with the shedding of shock, and though we know in our hearts and souls that our Child is gone, there is a nightmarish quality to life that first year for many. At just the three month mark I remember feeling as though I might fall t the floor and lose my mind...but I had lost so much control, or what I thought was control when I lost my Daughter that I thought, if I lose my mind, someone else is going to be in charge of me! I could not handle that thought so I found a way to live and breathe in the space and light left me at that time. Erica was 19 when she died 11 years ago, her car hit by an AMTRAK at a broken crossing. Erica would just hate it if I lost my zeal for life, and so I found a way to let myself grieve and along the way, to live with strength and purpose in her light. I stand where she no longer can, and I carry her everywhere I go. It takes time, and patience with yourself to find your steps. Be kind to you. Cry and let the tears fall when they come, drink a lot of water to replenish your hydration, take walks if you can as being outside no matter the weather is often a help. I went to therapy and found this place and both have been a wonderful way to find my way. I stay here so that I can be of some assistance as those here when I needed it so long ago.

Peace

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I thank God that you and many have stayed on this site for so many years....thought of you Halloween night...we both get to have some GRANDmother fun on that night...posting some pics...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

Sonshine boy, Jesse with his boy, Wyatt John

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sonshine boy, Aaron..(he is the Emergency Room Trauma Surgeon) ...his ghostly wife, Kerry and four boys,

Jack, Diego, Rocky and Ferris.....love that he has kept his sense of humor and fun....

[mkltexas]

I just had a big crying intense breakdown missing my Breanna. She was such a wonderful girl, not perfect, but so loving and protective. I was so lucky to have her and I miss her so much. Just can't imagine the rest of my life without her and I'm so tired of pretending to be okay. I feel like I'm just existing. Her birthday is Wednesday. She would have been 17. I just miss her so much. How do you survive this? I'm too tired to do any of the things I know I should do, take a walk, go to counseling. I can't sleep. I miss Bre.

[ericasmom]

Mollie, when it seems impossible to live through this horror, we do anyway. We wake up and even to the dread of a new day, we are here. Our kids are happy that we are here, they need us to go on and find ways to live through it, they are our biggest cheerleaders...I am so sorry that your Girl left this world leaving you so broken. I would guess that she wishes she did not cause such ache but here you are alongside all of us who also know the twisting and turning of your life now. There are no remedies and it seems brutal to think that this is it! I can only hold your hand and say to hold on please, that this pain will always be present but not always this sharply. One day you will laugh and carry on doing some things that you enjoy and you will not feel guilty for it, mainly because it is the way we find our way to live in the light of our beloved Kids.

 

Sherry, how are you feeling? Are  you getting some rest in between the trips out to see Mom and dismantling her home? Are you putting logs into your wood stove to stay warm? I bet it smells delightful. Will you see the kids for Thanksgiving?

 

Susan, thanks for the photos, what sweet and handsome children, even in their costumes.

[Margo60]

Thank you Erica's Mom and Mermaid Tears.  I'm so sorry for your loss.   Losing a child no matter how old is like being put into the pit of hell.  

 

My son was an Army vet with over 10 years of combat and service duty.  He was combatting a different enemy when he left the service with PTSD and addiciton to painkillers.   He lost his life by an accidental overdose of painkillers and alcohol.  I can't believe he's gone!   Today I'm numb, where yesterday I was so raw and flipping out.  This is the roller coaster I guess.   I'm having flashbacks too.  Thank you for your support.  I will check in here often.  I hope I can strong enough t help others with the loss of their child.

[ericasmom]

Margo, as we remind newbies here, you outlived your Child and so you are impossibly strong. Don't second guess your strength, it is coming in rivulets from places unknown to us, and while we never wanted to know if we could be this strong, we didn't get to choose. What is important I think, is to read and read if you have the patience for it, read the stories from others and those from Grief experts like Elizabeth Kubler Ross. While she published her most important work ages ago, it stands the test of time. There is no way to grieve that is wrong unless you hurt yourself or someone else. The issues our friends and some family members have with our grief needs to be their issue, it cannot be something you take on. Grief is non-linear, it goes one way and just as quickly takes a turn. Up and down, until you find a way to let grief become a part of you, letting it rest right next to your happy memories. They are the yin and yang of our hearts.

[flocicero]

I actually had a nice weekend with my sisters and nephew. they came in from Wisconsin to visit me in Indiana. We moved to Indiana the summer of 2013 and i have really missed my family especaillay now; we have always been close. my newphew is 17 and he enjoys hanging out with my younger son Chris who's 24-the age difference is exacatly the same as between my Michael & Chris. I think Chris likes the idea of being like an older brother to him. Chris is desperately missing his older broher Mike and is having dreams about him; he shared that last night he dreamed Mike was back and in his dream he was so incredibly happy and he said that Mike was so happy too. Waking up of course jolted him back to reality. I've been waiting to see Michael in my dreams; I just want him to tell me he's ok but for some reason I'm not seeing him. I want to be of help to others on this site but i feel like i can barely think clearly right now.

[Brendons Mom Karen]

I am thankful to find this site.  Just having an opportunity to see that others are on this grief walk with me and to read the many different experiences here is a blessing.  It is hard to find a place that you can put your grief out there without having to worry about making others feel uncomfortable. 

 

Brendon passed in a tragic vehicle accident late at night on his way to a friend's house.  We suspect deer on the roadway caused the accident, but we really cannot be sure, as no one was there but him to witness it.  His vehicle was in flames and he was lost before the first emergency vehicle was on scene. 

 

He was complete sunshine and always knew how to make everyone laugh.  Everyone loved him, who met him.  He had a way about him that made people feel special every time they spent time together.  The outreach from his friends, teachers, other adults, hockey teammates, coworkers and customers has been amazing.  We had to wait a month to hold his memorial, as coroner took that long just to get a positive identification.  Even a month later, we still had 500 people show up to celebrate his life.  He was only 22 years old, but had touched so many lives.  He was and is a Son to be proud of.

 

The shock and emptiness hasn't left me.  I don't expect him to walk through the door, but there are times it just seems like he is on one of his long hour workday swing shifts, and I'm just not seeing him.  When the numbness fades the deep hollow sadness that is always there seems to be more prominent.  At work, focus is a little better as my obsessive thinking about what has happened can be set aside long enough to complete tasks.  Of course the minute I walk out the door towards my car, the tears just roll out of the corners of my eyes.  It truly is a moment to moment thing.... up & down.  Any thing, or anyone can trigger a change.

 

We are just getting ready to roll into the holiday season.  I'm really not looking forward to it.  We recently had my stepson, his wife and baby move in with us from 3000 miles away.  I was worried about how we were going to fit 3 more people around our table during the holidays just a few months ago, and now I am worried how I will make it through them with 1 less. 

 

I know I will make it through this.  There isn't a choice, as I have my daughter and the 3 children I am a step mother to counting on me to hold things together.  I'm strong.... and have had a lot of loss in my lifetime.  I don't really want to hear how "strong" I am.  It isn't really a choice...  it isn't a super human quality as much as it is the need to hold things together for the others we love in our lives. 

 

Right now, I am surviving on faith, love and gratitude.  I pray I can keep these through the next few months. 

 

Bless us all as we walk through these tough days ahead together.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Margo and Mike's Mom.....thank you for sharing your SONshine boy with us....and sharing your story...for now...the 'shock suit' is fitting very tight....and that is how it should be.....for if it all came through....at one time....all parents would have a huge emotional and physical breakdown....as it should....it will come in tiny increments. For now....just 'be' for yourself...just do whatever you can to 'comfort yourself'.....this is not a time for heroics...or for being 'strong and stoic'....this is the time for meltdowns...crying jags...anger....anxiety...panic attacks....insomnia....'feeling like you are going bat crazy'....all of it are part of the grief journey.....please....do not think one has to come on this site 'to help others'.....we hold hands on this site...and that....is all that is needed.

   When I found this site....and I was looking something else up on the internet....I was 'guided' to this site....and my human boat was going down....down....down.....and some 'Spirit Guides'..(that is what I call the parents that have found enough mercy in their hearts to stay on this site for years....to help 'new parents') threw out a life jacket to me to help me in the drowning waters of grief.....and that kept me afloat...til I could find the strength in my 'legs and heart' to walk to shallow waters. I am still 'floating'...

   On this site...I do not have to explain 'any emotion' I am feeling....or good days...or dark days.

[tobyfreefoot]

forest

3 years 4 months gone.
nothing i can say. nothing is all i can say.

but look how you and allison are have shown up again.

forest's step mother for 10 years posted this pic of he and allison (in the middle) on my facebook today.  my husband noticed my first two babies look like my first two grands

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Karen....have read your post....will 'write to you later'.....so sorry for your loss.

 

 

 

 

Gretchen....priceless.....can you post who is who ?

[ldressle]

Brendon's Mom Karen,

 

I too lost my son (and my father) at a very young age of 15 on Fathers Day this year in a tragic small plane accident.  His name is Benjamin and he was the light of my life.  He and my husband were so close.  I don't have any other children so I don't have others to look after as you do.

 

This would be very hard.  I know it is important to "be strong" but I think tears are healing and important.  You came to the right place, as others who have had loss before us can help us by sharing what has worked for them.

 

I managed to dress up for Halloween  (luckily it was a good day) and even won best costume at work contest.  Benjamin loved loved loved all holidays.  But he especially loved Halloween.  I remember when he was only four having a party with the neighborhood friends on the block, pumpkin carving, baking cookies and decorating the yard.  So much fun!  I didn't go all out with the decorations this year, just a simple pumpkin.  Not too many trick or treaters this year.

 

Oh well, candy will go to Hope Place - a DV shelter accross from where I work.

 

I am so sorry Karen for your loss.  It has been hard for me to find closure, they don't know the cause of the accident as the plane engine is stuck in the sand, very few remains.

 

I don't know what to do lately it seems like my husband is blaming me for the loss of our son, he is angry at me for taking him down to the coast and out of school two days early.  I know it isn't my fault but it feels like it.  My husband wasn't with me when it happened - he stayed home.

 

I think I will need professional help.

 

Still struggling to get through each day!  Tears and more tears...Lisa - Benjamin's Mom

[shorty16]

Lisa, I remember hearing about your loss on the national news. My heart is very sensitive to others that find themselves without their child.

I am saddened to read that you think your husband blames you for your sons death. The blame-game can be devastating to a relationship and the grieving process. The pain is so intense, in the beginning, that we will do just about anything for relief. Also, I found myself trying to find a reason for why my Brian died. Who did what, when. It drove me crazy, angry, and confused for years. Until I realized that their is no reason that would ever satisfy me on why Brian died.

Lisa, this is a long process. I pray that you and your husband can come together and find some peace in this grief journey.

Hugs to you

Colleen, Brians Mom 4 ever

[flocicero]

I guess i shouldn't be surprised that a nice weekend with my sisters is followed by an emotionally intense day; everything makes me cry. today i'm home alone which was ok since i needed to scream with out anyone around to hear me. it's been 5 weeks but it feels worse today. i decided to try and write those little cards to folks that were at his funeral thanking them for being there-seems so senseless; I'm sure there is some sort of etiquette as to when they should be written but i really dont' give a dam about that kind of stuff anymore; i actually don't care about anything at all right now. Why does it feel like everything is getting worse; I feel so weak. i use to be an avid spinner and loved weight lifting; i havent done a thing and feel like I'm deconditioning but i cant motivate myself to do any of it. 

 

Margo-I'm sorry you're feeling so aweful; not sure what month 3 will be like for me but i'm feeling crazy, depressed and at times I feel that i would prefer to be in the ground next to my son so i could at least be there to take care of him . I know i need to be here for my younger son Chris-I see the worry and pain in his eyes too. I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us; for all of us.....

[lovU2themoon]

Hello my friends, thought of you all so often in the past two months, seems as though i have been "cocooning" again. 

Lindsay moved away from home the beginning of October, to start school.

I am alone now, finding it so tough.

I am trying to get back to work, i feel fortunate to be able to start back slowly, couple hours a day slowly increasing as time goes by.

And yes, time does go by.

 

I have such a different view of time now. does it go by to fast?? or to slow, I really cant decide. 

 

I have also continued with my pottery classes, i find it so mind consuming for those 3 hours i am there.

 

Thinking of all the new people on this sight, the people here are amazing, offering great advise and always here to hold your hand and your heart on this journey.

 

 

 

Wishing you all peace.

 

 

 

Love, Wanda 

Lanes mom forever

 

 

[ericasmom]

Lisa, I agree with Colleen, this is along process, it is one that will go up rocky inclines and pitch you into total darkness at times, but eventually, you will see the sun again and feel its warmth on your face.One day you will see the beauty in and around you. Right now however is that devastation, that utter loss. Professional help is one way through this time. I opted for that and continue to go now and on and off when my issues need some exra help. I am 11 years out from Erica's death. I will always miss her but I do take her with me each day as I move along. I pray that you will get a sign of Ben's peace, and your Dad's too.

 

Mike's Mom, feeling crazy is exactly what we have felt at one point or another on this path. We are essentially crazy during those weeks and months after our Babies leave. As far as those little cards we are supposed to fill out???I could not send them, sent about 10 for children that came, but everyone else...no notes. Have I ever wondered where my thank you note is after I go to a service or a worship time? No. I figured that nobody was expecting the little notes, and if they were...oh well.

 

[Mandy's mom]

hello to all.  wishing everyone comfort and peace.

 

My support group told us about an annual memorial service held at a local church.  We were invited to go to it.  Up until that last minute I wasn't sure if I would go.  I ended up going there and I was glad I did.  They had a speaker and it was parents who lost their 13 year old child.  We also lit a candle and they said each persons name.  It was nice to have Mandy's name said.  After lighting the candle they gave everyone  a cleart glass heart.  It was so touching.  I saw someone I knew years ago and she was there for her mom.  She knew Mandy and came up to me and hugged me.  It was a wonderful event.  I sat with someone from my support group and we held hands together for the service. 

 

I really miss my little angel.

[Jims mom219]

I am new to this group. My 41 year old son died of cancer May 20, 2012. His death broke me but I survived the last 2 and 1/2 years with counseling, my faith, family and friends- and mainly because of my daughter and my grandchildren. I understand that my world stopped but everyone else's did not. It is so hard now because to me his death will always be "yesterday" and everyone else has moved on. I go through all of the steps of going to family events and activities with friends, but it's like I'm watching myself perform not really a part of the group. His widow is in a new relationship and my grandson looks to that man for fatherly care. My mind is grateful they are not alone but my heart breaks again that this man is living my sons life. I miss my wonderful son every minute of every day. I talk about his life- not his death- as much as I can. But a piece of my heart left with him. I just feel empty. I make myself plan activities so I will leave the house but honestly I would rather just crawl under the covers and stay there.

[Mermaid Tears]

Jim's Mom.....my son, John David, died in August 2012....he was 42....he had a massive heart attack while in the hospital...and I am on the same path as you on this grief journey....he was not married. I have felt like I am being 'pulled along'.....we have a large family....and I simply cannot just 'drop out'....although like you....there are times I feel like I just want to pull the covers over my head and let the world go by.....the holidays are coming up....and I have a 'fog of dread' hanging over my head....more so this year than the other 2. This is a hard rock candy kind of grief.....I am learning that when one loses a 'child'....you don't get over it....you go through it...every..every day.

    For now.....I am in a searching and seeking phase.....I seek to find a balance....I want to sit between Grace and Grief....

I want to have Acceptance and Grace.......instead of Surrender and Stoic....

    You did not say how old your GRANDson is.....and I can understand how it must hurt to see another man standing where your son should be standing. If he is a good man....and loves that boy.....then your GRANDson will be blessed in having two men that care and love him.

 

 

 

Mandy....I am so happy that you found some comfort and healing with your support group. The memorial service at the church was very touching. I think it is like a gift to find some peace for your shattered heart.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lisa....I think some people are just geared to always having a finger to point to....for blame. I am sorry you have to face this heavy grief with your husband feeling like that.

     Oh....if only....we really had that kind of control....to keep bad things from happening. I think in the early stages of grief...we...as parents are shocked to find that our amazing love could not protect our child.

   When that baby is placed in our arms....we feel this Swoosh of Love....we feel as if we have this Super Human strength to umbrella our child with care and protection.....when we lose that child....we find we only had a Super Human love for that child. After all....didn't I 'kiss and make everything' ok for that child all their life ??

    I also think when we lose that child...we are placed in a foreign country...where there is no map or compass to show us the way.....and just as we would find a tour guide in a foreign country.....I think getting professional help....to help guide you on this grief journey would be a wise choice.

   You lost your Daddy and little boy...at the same time....you do whatever....you feel like would give you some help and support. 

    We are not professional therapists on this site.....we can hold your hand with our words....for words are all we have to show our care and consideration and concern.....and I would think having a face to face person to talk to...would give you a measure of comfort.

 

 

 

Wanda....good to hear from you.....and yes.....'time' seems to be so different....I feel as if I have one foot in 'yesterday' and another foot in 'today'......some weird time warp......I feel as if I am always looking over my shoulder...wishing I could have those yesterdays again.

 

 

Mike's Mom....do not be hard on yourself for having a 'bad day' or bad week....I think it is normal to just take it one day at a time....take the good with the bad....and hang on with both hands.

[Mermaid Tears]

Karen....so sorry to hear of your amazing Brendon passing...and the memorial for him is a tribute to how many lives he touched...and still touches.....I would think it can only bring some solace to your breaking heart. I, too, have a large family...one daughter and five sons....my John David was the oldest son. We also have 14 GRANDchildren.

   One of my sons..Jesse...made the statement...'We knew if Mom could make it....we all could'.....and I believe that every family has that 'one chosen' person to be the torch bearer...as Dr. Phil has said...'someone has to be the hero in the room'.

    You have many still young and living at home...and now....your stepson and family are there....and being together like that can help with the grief simply by having someone near. For me....having family around was a blessing....4 of my GRANDchildren live in the same town.....and they were a balm to my breaking heart. I did have an instinct to 'cocoon' and I stopped all my civic and community and social activities.....I still 'cocoon' somewhat....my priorities have shifted....and I am still trying to find balance. I do understand what you mean by that 'one missing'.....John David left such a huge dark vacuum...and I just can't see how anyone can ever fill it. I am thinking that it should not be filled anyway....for there will never be another John David.  There will never be another Brendon. Our grief journey will be as unique as our child was unique.

I thought of this when I read your post......

      

[Gregg's Mom]

We lost our son "Gregg" on September 12, 2014.  He was 52.  Gregg died instantly from a blood clot that burst in his leg.  I am having a terrible time dealing with his loss.  All the feelings described here are how I feel.  When I read that these feelings go on forever I don't know how I will survive.

I know I have to go on for the rest of my family, my husband, my remaining son and my two grandsons.  Gregg leaves no children.  Just grandpups "Maxine and Mr. Pickles".  Gregg worked in a garden center in Palm Desert, CA.  He was an artist.  I guess he lives on through his Art.  He has collectors though out the United States.  He posted photo's of his art and photo's of the flowers at the garden center daily on his face book page.  His friends and family loved seeing these uplifting post.  It seems I feel worse every day.  What to do?  Diane

 

[ldressle]

Hello,

 

Today I found a school journal from  5th grade.  Benjamin lost his Grandfather when he was 8, I remember how sad we all were as he was living with us and I was caring for him as he had terminal cancer.  The last day he was with us, January 15th 2007, we got to say goodbye the ambulance came and we watched grampsie leave the house, we both knew he would not be coming home.  His time had come.  My son was not a big cryer.  He shed a few tears with me but after that he shed them privately.  I remember how sad I was and crying all the time.  Especially while driving.  Benjamin was in the back seat and he said, Mom, it is time to stop crying.  I remember thinking this child is something, really special and together.  I think of that day in the car often and try to gain strength from the strength of my son.  He was a leader in school and drama was one of his favorite subjects.  He loved to be on the stage and never was shy. 

 

When Benjamin was little, he talked constantly.  He loved to gab and joke.  He would literally wake up in the morning and start talking.  He loved to be entertained - books, utube, computers more computers, video games more video games, music, art, movies and more and more movies, TV series - The Office - watched every episode multiple times.  Loved magic card tricks were his favorite. 

 

The journal had some pretty deep poetry in it.  All about death and the end of life.  His teacher thought it prophetic, I thought it was related to his grandpa's passing.

 

Anyways, Gregg's Mom, I am so sorry to hear about your sudden loss.  It is very hard.  I just remember the first five weeks being a big foggy mist of saddness, numbness, and deep despair.  My son was only fifteen, my dad died to, they were together when the accident happened.  I found reading books about losing a child helpful.  The bible at times, Buddha and other spiritual words of wisdom about sorrow and loss - Pinterest has a great grief board.  For me, tears are daily, I can't always predict when they come but it doesn't seem to get much better for me...it has only been four months 20 days since their passing.  I think the first year must be one of the most difficults - first holidays without my son and dad..no Thanksgiving, Christmas seems foreign and stupid, Birthdays...yuck! 

 

Mandy's Mom - I too went to a memorial service for Dad & Benjamin - it was so nice to have their names stated out loud and a candle lit for all who had passed over the last twelve months.  Very nice.  I am glad you went - My husband didn't go, but I did and a few friends and family.  I think I may start attending Church again.  It does help to pray for others and ask the angels to come and help me and my husband and all others who have lost a child to comfort us in our sorrow.

 

Mermaid Tears/Colleen's Mom/ericasmom and all others who listen/read and respond!,

 

Your words have helped me so much.  I really appreciate you in this room!  Thanks so much for your kindness and support.

 

Lisa - Benjamin's Mom and Richard's Daughter

[Mermaid Tears]

Diane...so sorry to hear of the loss of your SONshine boy....he was drenched with talent and creativity....and still is...he left some very colorful footprints....and I think you should use them as you go on this grief journey....many of us have family, children..young and older...GRANDchildren....to help anchor us while we are drowning in this grief....and I know my SONshine boy, John David, would want me to carry on and forward for the family.

   What to do ? Please read the writings that have been posted....and older ones.....you may find a word or words that can bring you comfort.....most of all....you will find you do not walk this grief journey alone....and you don't have to explain your emotions to us.....for we will nod our heads in agreement. This is like a grief like no other....it is hard....and just take one day at a time...and be very good and kind to yourself...we call it 'self care'.....grief is very heavy...and can cause serious emotional and physical breakdowns....so wrap yourself in whatever you feel like will give you some comfort. One cannot get over this kind of grief...one must go through it.

[Steve s mom]

Hi everyone,

I just don't know what I am going to do ,with the dates of Steve's passing approaching.

Yes I meant dates he cardiac arrested 11-6-11 then was revived and lived for 8 days in the hospital while his brain slowly died.i remember every minute of those days ,then he was declared brain dead on 11-4-11.

I can't see how I'm going to make it thru this time

I never believed I could survive 36 months after my child died.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

[ericasmom]

Diane, hang on and know that we are here for you and all those new to this site and to this horrendous loss.

 

Maryanne, you need to hang on to us, let us go through those days with you as you lead up. The lead up is the hardest part for me. It seems surreal all over again. Keep telling his story, and don't give up on yourself please. Your life matters.

 

Shannon are you out there?