Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

This is also the place of 'no choice'.....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

I have learned to 'remember' in a very hard classroom of memory....

[hoosiermom]

Hello friends

 

Thinking of everyone here as the seasons change....that can be a difficult time when you are newly grieving.  For me, September is hard because of Brianna's approaching birthday.  First day of fall.  She was my autumn girl.  My other daughters both have birthdays in April, so after Brianna passed I had a lovely mother's ring made with two diamonds and a sapphire, their birthstones. 

 

My daughter is adjusting well to college life.  We talked the other night (face time on our Iphones--technology can be such a wonderful thing!) and I could tell she is feeling the pressure.  She said, this isn't high school! lol  But she also says she is determined   I sent her a text the next day:  You've got what it takes, but it will take everything you've got. 

 

On the subject of losing friends....maybe I was lucky that Brianna was disabled, and for years I didn't have a life outside of work and home.  I didn't have girlfriends to meet up with for lunch or movie dates.  In fact, after Brianna died and I ran into people who hadn't seen me in years, many times they assumed I had moved away. I have lived in the same house for 16 years lol.  What few friends I did have were very supportive and caring.  It was my own sister who was not so compassionate.  I don't know what she expected from me--was I supposed to just go about my life as if nothing happened?

 

My very good friend "T" has certainly had a very rough time with "friends".  T's daughter passed away from cancer and September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  A mutual "friend" posted a picture of T's daughter, but T did not want this person to do this, so she asked her to please take the picture down. The "friend" refused and it erupted into an all out Facebook war, with people choosing sides and T having to defend herself from verbal attacks in every direction.  It made me sick to my stomach.  So I posted the following: 

 

I'm just gonna speak my heart right now...a grieving mother deserves and needs our love and compassion, she does not need criticism and judgment because believe me, no matter how hard others may be toward us...it is no match for the demons we battle daily...for those who have the opinion that we should "get over it" or "move on"...I would challenge them to look at their own children and decide which one you could live without...grief is HARD and it's painful but it can be made even more so by those who don't understand or worse, don't care...T is barely a year from losing her precious girl and I for one will be by her side, walking this painful journey, as long as it takes.  THAT is what a friend does.  I hold no ill feelings toward anyone but if someone feels that my loyalty is somehow reprehensible then I am fine with being unfriended!

 

Everything I said...I learned here, and from my own journey. 

 

Love and light to all,

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

It happens, but not right away.  It takes at least 6 months, to see the "fallout".  When Bobby died, 15 years ago, we belonged to a very supportive church.  But after awhile--maybe because our view of the world gets a little more bitter--we felt uncomfortable there.   Our good friends always stayed around.  They "got" it as they were all there when he was in hospice, etc. and our faith was stronger.  We knew that God had choreographed the previous year's dance just for us.  We felt blessed to have had him 14 years longer than predicted.  But when you go through this kind of pain, it changes you.  How can it not?  You become a different person than before.  Your eyes don't light up as much, your laugh isn't as hearty, most of life feels like "going through the motions".  People resent that you are different.  You have grown and they have not.  Just know that they were put in your life at the time you needed them and when God takes them out, don't go chasing after them.  

 

When my father died 3 1/2 years ago, I "lost" my sisters.  The grief from their betrayal and behavior was far greater than the grief of losing my dad. So, I started "building a new family"--nourishing the relationships I had and renewing some old ones.   And then in April of this year, Ethan died.  I STILL don't know if I will survive it.  But I have survived, so far.  My work on all my other relationships paid off in spades!!  I had friends flying in from all over the country between April and August.  I had people there almost immediately when we found out.  My husbands nieces and nephews (well, mine too, but my bio nieces and nephews don't communicate) came over while we were in Louisville to get Ethan and cleaned the house.  We were "love bombed" in the truest sense of the word.

 

Now it is 5 months later.  My besties have hung in there.  We are all going through similar issues with our surviving mothers and me with my bro with Alzeihmers.  One thing I hate is when people say, "Call me and we can go out to lunch".  Well, hell, I'm not going to call anyone.  I'm still medicated and still find it difficult to get out of my jammies.  I still sleep 10-12 hours a night, but no naps anymore!  If people call me, it gives me something to look forward to, so I CAN get out of my jammies, do my hair, put on makeup and go out.  This is the part of grief most people don't "get".  WE ARE HEALING.  Treat us like we had a traumatic brain injury that IS curable, but will take a VERY long time to heal and we will NOT be the same person on the other side of healing.  EVER.  Sometimes, I know I can be a bit negative towards the world and after awhile people, I'm sure, get sick of that.  I tend to take that out on Facebook, when people post platitudes about death and grief.  My favorite one was "You can say God needed another angel in heaven because it wasn't YOUR angel he chose to take".  

 

It is best to be very choosy in whom you decide to hang out with, especially after the first few months.  You need people who are positive, who understand any morbid humor you might have about your child, who can banter it back with you and make you laugh and who won't get irritated by the sobbing you will have.  Having many different people that are like that are most important.  Don't just put all your grief on one friend.  If you don't have many people join a grief group or a counselor.    It is stressful as a friend to always hear the negative.  If you are a friend of someone who has lost someone, make sure YOU make dates with them for lunch, shopping, movies, ANYTHING . Especially if they are at home all day.  Even more so if they are home alone.  

Kalik,

 

Thank you for your insightful comment. I think much of what you said is good sense. I like your comment about, " You can say God needed another angel in heaven because it wasn't YOUR angel he chose to take". " I have had one person with no clue at all who thought this was some kind of ministry opportunity to the girl who killed my son.

 

I also agree with friends should not be asking you to call them...most of the ones who have stuck with us check in with us....

 

Today, I had a friend from my previous workplace visit. She lost her 23 year old son to a heart condition March of 2012. They did  not even know he had anything wrong until he died.

 

We compared notes as to where we are at in this whole grieving business. Being alone is hard for her, especially in the car. It is just so hard to imagine a future without our children...I guess it is best to take that one in very small chunks...

 

My friend also had a potential lead as to where the girl who killed Jesse may be in contact with so I immediately emailed the Sheriff's dept...Supposedly she was arrested approximately a month ago, and is pregnant again...

 

**********************

 

Jenn, there are some difficult days leading up to those important dates for sure....I have found that sometimes my body starts to react without me realizing it...I have never sought a large circle of friends myself. But even with that I have had some drop out...

[Jeff's Mom]

I agree with all of the comments made today. As far as the person that wondered about losing friends after losing a child to suicide...I only have this to say...they were never a friend. A true and cherished friend would never desert you at the time you are most in need. As hard as it may be...you must move past them and find people that are out there that are decent and caring.

 

I sit here tonight listening to soft soothing music and waiting to go outside to watch the northern lights. The night sky is clear and the air is crisp. They are calling for a spectacular display. I will remember my special night that Jeff and I watched the most awesome lights dancing across the sky. God worked his magic that night and tonight I am beyond humbled to again be witness to his creation...and I know my boy will once again be with me. 

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful night. Kate

[wgreenlee]

Thank you all so much for the comfort and support you provide.  Brooks' Angelversary was "good."  I didn't know how I was going to feel, but I ended the day feeling so very proud of my son for what he meant to others.  That, of course, is every parent's dream...to know your child had an affect on others in a positive way.  We invited everyone through a FB event to a local drive-up kiosk coffee shop throughout the day and they received free drinks if they asked "in memory of Brooks."  Renea and I became a little apprehensive, in a good way, when so many people were posting on FB and calling us to tell us they were getting their coffee, because we wondered what our bill would be.  But then came the validation...the owner of the coffee shop called and said there was so much support and love at their place that he didn't want any money.  He said so many people weren't even taking the free coffee, but donating money so more people could have some.  In the end, he said THEY were giving coffee away "in memory of Brooks."  Thank you, son, for reminding me that there is still happiness in my world.  

 

Lots of people brought flowers and balloons to his gravesite, and we eventually let them go way up to heaven.  One person said she hoped Brooks would grab her balloon.

 

The mother of the 18 year old boy, who died with his girlfriend in the car crash in March came by to water her son's flowers.  We had a long chat.  You could tell she was searching for hope.  Had questions like, "Did I dream about Brooks?"  "Did I get signs from him?"  She showed me photos of David, the place where they always hiked, the trees they planted in honor of him, etc.  She had a book with her, "Proof of Heaven," and I told her my thoughts that I truly believe in heaven and will see my son again.  I talked about this site and all that everyone here had done for me and the hope for the future.  Hopefully she will visit.  I told her I had taken pictures of her son's flowers on his burial day and asked if she had taken any.  She hadn't so we exchanged numbers and I will send them to her.  It was good to share!  I needed to share!

 

I know that some people say the second year is harder than the first...I don't know how it can be, but I think I am now a little better prepared for it.  Who would have thought that Brooks' 1st Angelversary would do that for me.  I hope anyway.  I don't really like how I am right now, but the hope promised on here is now back in my heart.  Thank you!

 

Here are a few of the FB posts from some of his friends.  I especially like the one with the message on the back window of the car.

 

Thank you again for saying my son's name and remembering him with me.  That was the most special gift of all.  I know months ago I was looking forward to seeing his name here...ironic, I guess...but it truly made a difference.  I plan to be back sharing now.  I need it...am hoping for a better year!

 

Love and peace to all my Indigo family!!!

 

[Mermaid Tears]

it is late...Kalik....I hope to preserve what you wrote....

 

Wade...I hope to preserve....your remembrance...Kate...I hope to preserve all that you know...

 

it can only enhance my journey....am tired....so tired...so enhanced...with all of you....

each of you are heroes...

 

[ericasmom]

Jenn, so glad that your Daughter is finding her way with her college world. I think that you are a mighty lovely force in her motivation and strength.

 

Kalik, well stated. We have to be choosy if we want to find our healthiest place in this world.

 

Wade, holding you in my hopes and heart as you enter this next year. I found the second year a different kind of hard, and still say that nothing was as horrid as the first year but I did enter the second year kicking and yelling. It felt that the shock had gone completely away.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Laurie wrote:

 

Kalik,

 

Thank you for your insightful comment. I think much of what you said is good sense. I like your comment about, " You can say God needed another angel in heaven because it wasn't YOUR angel he chose to take". " I have had one person with no clue at all who thought this was some kind of ministry opportunity to the girl who killed my son.

 

Laurie,

 

Just recently at a point where I was once again trying to understand why this had to happen to our family, and to our precious child, it was brought to my attention that the driver had her religion status on her FB page, as "faithfully agnostic", and the thought did cross my mind that maybe this was about her lost soul, and I wondered if God was waiting for us to publicly forgive her, even though she has never offered an apology or admitted doing anything at all wrong, to give her an opportunity to see God's love and mery.

 

Am I losing my mind? This person has been cruel to us, speeding  by our house, beeping her horn to make her presence known, in that same car that she hit and killed my son in.... filing false charges against my daughter claiming an assault that never happened, and now telling people that will listen to her that my son ran out in front of her on purpose! Even the police, who did not test her for impairment due to a lack of law on open containers, said he was hit from behind, not that he darted in front of her, no evidence of that at all.

 

Thoughts?

[Mermaid Tears]

Kalik.....very profound post you wrote....a good message for grieving parents....

 

yes....I have had many to say...'God needed another angel'.....in my mind I was saying....'but I needed John David for I only had one John David'.....

 

I knew in my heart that people were saying what they said to try and reach out to me....they were not being cruel...they were just ignorant of what to say to a grieving parent....

  and I was 'one' of those, too......I simply was ignorant of this kind of grief....before I lost my John David...

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....so happy that you and Renea found your way to break through the dark...and find a way to ignite a light for your boy....love does go on.

 

 

 

 

 

Becky....you asked a very heavy question....this is my response....

 

I do NOT think you and your family has to make a public forgiveness.....I think forgiveness is an evolution that takes place in your own....very sacred....heart. It is between you and God/Mother/Father of the Universe.....

   it does not have to be shouted from a mountain top....

 

It is a quiet...surrender...of ones' anger..hate...bitterness toward another person....

   I also think it comes in small increments....a little one day....a little more another day....

 

I have learned that forgiveness doesn't mean that the other person/persons are not guilty or responsible for their actions...

   it is just that you let 'go' of the anger and hate....

 

and you don't have to hug their neck or invite them to dinner....

   I think it is a very private conversation...decision....you make with your soul and spirit.

[Sholl1955]

Kalik,

Your post contains a lot of wisdom from the both of your losses.   The one thing that you said that really resonates with me is that when people leave your life, don't go running after them.  I struggle with that when those people are family and those that you thought would always be there for you no matter what.  However, you are right on.  Thank you for sharing with us.

Sandy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, I have given your question some thought before answering. This is my personal view and feelings regarding the tragedies that have struck our family and some of my mom's thoughts. (For those who don’t know, my sister was also ran over and killed, left to die on the highway, the driver ran away, came back with an attorney two weeks later and was never charged.) How does a person process everything when someone who took your loved ones life is not repentent/sorry? 

 

I firmly believe that when there is a crime of this nature that justice must be pursued until the case is closed and can be pursued no longer. There is a balance between justice and mercy…to demand no justice for injustice is to allow evil to continue unchecked. And it will…there are some individuals in society that as long as they are allowed to continue in bad and evil behavior they will, they do not care if they hurt others or what impact their decisions have on others and their lives. And they are not sorry, and some will never be sorry. In my view, it is better to have this person contained (incarcerated) than to continue to allow them freedom to wreak havoc and destruction by their own choices. However, sometimes the law fails us, and what is right -- does not happen -- justice does not prevail. My parents were never reimbursed from the driver who ran over my sister and left her. The system simply swept the case away.

 

Feelings…I do not feel guilty or bad for the anger, there is enough of a burden to bear without adding more. I do not like subtle expectation, the suggestion by simply “forgiving” all is made well. There is an appropriateness to having anger for crimes committed against you or those you love. Too often people are re-victimized by others impossible expectations, demands they themselves most likely would never live out if it were them. (My husband and I were given a book about forgiveness early on, some the examples were the equivalent of "having someone burn your toast").

 

There is a huge difference on the impact of the family if someone is truly sorry and repentant over what happened  (not running around bullying the victim as in your case), is mentally ill and/or  the crime is resolved appropriately.

 

In time, as in the case of my mom, there is a softening of the feeling perhaps, but the sense of being wronged remains with her…she is by nature a very soft spoken and gentle person. She is far more tolerant than most of the faults of others. However, my sister’s death almost killed her…she developed cancer shortly afterwards and refused treatment for several years.

 

Going forward, we continue to pursue justice and will do so until this stage ends. You and your husband have done all that could be done. Like my parents, there will come a time to let it rest and be.

 

Our decisions now are based on what is best for Christina. This, for us, will probably mean leaving the area and relocating closer to relatives to give her a stronger base in life.  We have also redone our wills and I purchased additional life insurance to help her get through life without her brother who I thought would be there to assist her. In the end, Jesse would want her protected and provided for the best way we can if something happens to us. So that is what our goal is.

 

As far as Ms. Rupnow, we all have our life review…consequences for our actions in this life do not go away in the next.

 

I also agree with what Susan wrote regarding the process of forgiveness. Most likely it will come about in little bits and pieces...rather an ongoing process; and for some individuals, it may not be obtained in this lifetime. 

 

My mom mentioned to try and give yourself some space to allow your emotions to calm down. However that needs to happen. It will take a long time. She also meditates/prays and has created a place in her home for this purpose to promote calmness and a connection point to God.

 

**********************

Sandy, good to see your post...

 

**********************

Kate, I hope the Northern Lights "show" was a good one, I have only seen them once...

 

**********************

Wade, how very healing for everyone to participate in the Coffee Shop free offer...that was wonderful for you and Renea to have so many turn out in support and remember Brooks...

 

**********************

 

Wishing you all a peaceful evening…

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....thanks for sharing.....many on this site have to deal with the horrific negligence of others....in the passing of their child....not only the heavy grief....but....anger ....and then the justice system that seems to turn it's back on the innocent...

 

I will tell the story of how I started learning about forgiving....

 

It was around 1989-90....John David and Jason shared a huge room upstairs...twin beds on either side and in the middle was a sitting area with a couch..two chairs and TV....a great place for the boys and friends to gather....that was when MTV was going strong..music..videos...I went upstairs and went to visit them....and this song...'The Heart of the Matter' was playing....

John David looked at me...eye to eye....and said.."Mom...you need to really listen to this song"....

     I knew what he meant....his Dad..my 'ex' had been in battle over John David ever since our divorce....he didn't want Randa or Jesse....he only wanted my John David....and I felt like I had invisible battle scars...I won't go into all that he did...but...it was 'a war without a gun'....

    but....I realized that the anger was eating away at me.....'one' conversation with him could ignite a spark...and I actually could be consumed with rage...

   it did not happen over night...I had to do a lot of reading..and thinking...and learning...and a huge adjustment to my attitude...but that was my first lesson on forgiveness...since then.....I have had to 'use the lesson' with many people ...on different stages of my life....John David and I had many talks about it all....he said he knew I could rise above it all....

[ericasmom]

Becky, forgiveness is a very personal issue, everyone different in their own beliefs. I struggled with forgiveness when I became a parent and others would say you have to forgive your Father, he hurt you with abuse but he is 'your' father and therefore deserves your forgiveness.

Well no, I don't have to forgive him and actually never have and do not feel badly about it at all, not once! My father stole my childhood, my innocence, my trust in the world and I will not forgive that. I have no want nor guilt with my decision but respect the decisions my other family members had with him. We had to respect each others thoughts and action because we siblings love each other.

The behavior of the woman who hit Jared is taunting you it seems, nobody could ever guess why she would have that kind of heart to do so mean a thing. I think that if you one day forgive her it will come slowly, but do I believe you need to forgive her? No. I do not prescribe forgiveness as a MUST Do to have a good life.

I do however, feel that you need to find your good life that Jared would so want for you and in so doing, you may have to find ways to let go of her. She needs to become much less a focus in your life in order for you to find the song in each day. Somehow, shrinking her importance will be a chore for sure, but one that may make sense at this time in your lives. I wish you goodness.

 

Laurie, I love your words here, you spoke so beautifully and I thank you for your take on forgiveness.

Susan, I also appreciate your view and experience of forgiveness. We are all snowflakes aren't we? different yet landing on the same snow hill.

[tobyfreefoot]

just slept for 24 hours straight. don't feel like much anymore.  my narcolepsy meds don't seem to work very well these days. we went to visit les in new mexico and stayed in that beautiful glass room. stayed in vega and redid the kids' roadside memorial.  talked to the highway attendant that keeps the grounds up.  he said he makes sure the mowers don't mess up the site and keeps the trash out.  he talked to us a long time.  ironically his son has moved to utah to try to be a professional gamer.  then the highway patrolman that worked the accident came up.  my huge nightmare of forest trying to scream with no mouth was put to rest as he told me he still had a face just badly messed up but not sheered off as i had imagined.  he also seems to blame the design of the rest area more than anything.  bobby drove us in at night and i had to yell so he wouldn't hit a truck parked there with its lights off.  the officer thinks she never knew she left the highway as it curves around the rest area instead of the rest area curving away.  he said he always thinks if he had gone to work 5 minutes earlier she might have seen him and made her more alert.  haven't been here in a long time.  just seem really down. put out a new panda for ashlie.  couldn't find a mario so i took it back to the motel and beat it in the bathtub to get the dirt out and repainted it.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Thank you each one that responded to my "9-11" post! It is a bittersweet memory of my Jared "JD" for sure. I remember how, after my husband left on the deployment, how Jared would be on his knees everynight to pray for his dad's safety and safe return to us. Some nights his list of people to pray for got so long, and I was so tired, I remember saying to him "just ask God to bless everybody, He knows who you mean". He was precious then, and precious still at 15, always had a big heart. 

 

Thank you Susan, Dee, and Laurie, for your thoughts on forgiveness. I appreciate you sharing with me. I had a similar situation growing up, Dee, only not my father. I am also "ok" with not feeling any sense of a need to forgive in that circumstance, not then and not now.

 

Why then, would I even stop to consider whether or not I needed to forgive someone that not only hurt, but killed my child? I think because I try to imagine what my Jared would do, and he had such a loving heart, that I am sure he has forgiven her. 

 

On a good note, the driver that killed my son, and then recently brought a false assault charge on my daughter, brought one witness that came to the peace order hearing, and the witness was as much a liar as the driver herself.... well the witness just got her 2nd DUI, in 8 months, and violated her probation, so maybe they will have to haul her out of jail to testify at the trial for the alleged assault! Those two are a pair!

 

Gretchen, Love the glass room, I could stay there forever! Memorials look great!

 

Wade, I was glad to see your post, and to see Brook's smiling face! 

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....did you have narcolepsy before you lost Forest....?? Or....did this come on after ?? I can surely see how grief can create such physical and mental issues....the sheer force of the heavy grief one carries can break a healthy one down...

   that glass room....wow.....you got to sleep with moon glow and star shine on you....I think the fact those people are there and came and talked to you is some kind of 'gift'...and so caring they are....the one that keeps the memorial site clean of trash....gee...the kindness of strangers....is sometimes more than what many get from family and friends. You are blessed with a loving and caring circle....I always remember your story of the 'metal stars'.....that seem to follow you.

 

 

Dee....if Essie was on this site....she would say...much what you said...she explained to me about the 10 Commandments one time....that God knew there would be parents a child could not love...and that is why it says...'Honor your parents'...in other words...you just have to acknowledge they are your parents....not love them. She also had another phrase...'Leave them to Heaven'.....for there were people that were so dark and evil and mean.....there wasn't anything in this earth home that could deal with them....

    Forgiveness is a complex word....with complex emotions....and complex instructions....but I like what you said to Becky....that she 'let go'...and not let that vile person take up so much of her life...and living....and to re-train her focus on herself and family that they 'thrive' ...instead of 'survive'.....

 

I am learning on this grief journey.....that I must learn..to thrive....instead of survive....I must find my way out of this darkness...(and yes I know I have so many blessings)....but this grief is mine to work through....

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Well, it took over a week, with my daughter having to drive me around to get new flowers to use in my new arrangement for the cemetery, and with the weakness in my hands, hard for me to cut and push them in the styrofoam base, but I got it done, even sprayed it with UV clear, which keeps the silk flowers from fading. I also got four solar lights that were on sale, and added them to the arrangement. I always feel good doing anything there, as I feel JD watching and appreciating that we want it to be a special place.

 

Jared Daniel "♥JD♥" West

 

 

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky and Gretchen...every little bit of effort that we can muster...every ounce of energy that we can draw upon to put together a loving tribute to our child shows the immense love that we hold in our hearts for them. Today we walked into the area where the memorial site and bench is placed. After several days of very cold night time lows we fully expected to see a garden of slightly wilted flowers....if not dead. To our surprise...the newly placed garden (after summer storms) was blooming vividly. We were shocked. I have spent several nights covering my own flowers at home to try to preserve another few days of colour and enjoyment. We sat on the bench and watched the waves as they pounded against shore...and felt a sense of deep sadness at needing to have our son by our side again...yet knowing that he was welcomed into the next life wholeheartedly and so loved.  Your flowers and tribute to your sons is so touching and beautiful. I hope that your love will eventually fill your heart with peace...you will be reunited again one day. Don't lose heart. Thinking of everyone tonight. Kate

[wgreenlee]

Becky...

I agree with Susan on the forgiveness thing.  On Brooks' Angelversary I brought a card over to the family of the man who shot him, and I did it mainly for me to be truthful.  Even though they didn't pull the trigger I wonder sometimes if they knew there might be something wrong with him or something...drugs...who knows.  I didn't want those thoughts creeping too much into my thoughts so I used the card to let myself know it was ok to have those feelings.  I kind of believe "forgiveness" is a little overrated.  It might be different if the girl deserved the forgiveness, or reacted differently, asked to be forgiven and then matched her words with actions.  Her continued acts demonstrate that not to be the case.  I hope that you find the path that gives you the most peace in your own heart.

 

JD's flowers are so beautiful.  I also think the same that Brooks would appreciate his site being a special place.  

 

Susan...

Love certainly does "go on."  Now, after his Angelversary I find myself down a little, though.  It felt like that when I put so much focus into remembering Brooks he was actually not even gone...for that moment...for that day.  It was almost like I was looking forward to that day so I could shout his name...out loud...all day...to everyone...and they would shout with me.  Now, back to the old, new normal and I don't much like it.

 

Dee...

I think you're right about the "shock."  It is now over, and I am finding it very hard to find a real purpose to my life.  Or, more to the point, maybe I'm afraid to find purpose.  Does that make sense?  Sometimes I pretend I'm my own therapist, and ask myself what I should be thinking or doing.

 

Therapist:  "Are you afraid to be happy?"

Me:  "Yes, because maybe that means I'm forgetting I don't have Brooks with me anymore."

Therapist:  "You know that will never happen...he'll be with you always."

Me:  "How do you know?  Have you ever lost your only child?"

 

I guess what Susan says kind of sums it up..."I am learning on this grief journey.....that I must learn..to thrive....instead of survive....I must find my way out of this darkness...(and yes I know I have so many blessings)....but this grief is mine to work through...."  If only I could work through it better.

 

I remember a post a couple weeks ago about your heat and no air conditioning at your school.  Even with all the changes again this year, I give thanks for our air conditioning.  I hope your year is amazing!

 

Kate...

"We sat on the bench and watched the waves as they pounded against shore...and felt a sense of deep sadness at needing to have our son by our side again...yet knowing that he was welcomed into the next life wholeheartedly and so loved.  Your flowers and tribute to your sons is so touching and beautiful. I hope that your love will eventually fill your heart with peace...you will be reunited again one day. Don't lose heart. Thinking of everyone tonight."

 

I feel that sense of sadness so acutely.  Your words do provide so much hope.  I know one day we will be together again, I truly do, but I can't help but feel it would be nice if it was sooner rather than later.  I sure hope your winter is better this year.  Still very toasty down here.  Does get quite chilly in the high desert at night, though.

 

Gretchen...

Such a wonderful tribute to Forest and Ashlie.  I really like that picture of him.  Mario...oh, how many days Brooks and I played that game.  How can a grown adult not beat a little kid...  Guess what...as I'm typing I just saw the commercial for Fruit Loops and the two adults are playing Mario with the "doot..da da doot" music.  Had to be for Forest!

 

Laurie...

I am surprised you haven't seen the Northern Lights more often in Wisconsin.  Maybe still not northern enough.  I remember gazing so often at them as a kid.  Kind of like magic.  Of course, we lived in northern MN.

 

Your post about forgiveness mirrors mine.  You said it very eloquently.  I think forgiveness is better for the "forgiver" as it might bring a better sense of peace.

 

Have a blessed day tomorrow!  Here's a song I listened to today that made me think of all of you.  And here's music from Brooks just a couple weeks before he died when he was practicing with a band for an outdoor music festival.  He was so excited after the two days.  The band had some technical trouble and the members said Brooks saved them with his adlib raps.  Brooks told me he felt like a real musician and thought that he might be able to really make it with his music.  Still going through his songs, and have so many more I haven't listened to.  New memories that I am so thankful for...thank you son!

 

[tobyfreefoot]

wade-- "doot..da da doot" thanks reading that is the best i've felt all day!

 

[ericasmom]

Love the ways everyone here brings their heart to the screen. Thanks Wade for the lovely way you brought your heart here today. Sing on Brooks.

[wgreenlee]

Dee...

"Sing on Brooks."  Music to my ears...  OH, how I have missed you all!

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Yes.....many do bring their hearts....those shattered hearts that are on the floor of their life...here.

      Wade....the second year....(for me) ...was only different in that grief had become 'common'....it became familiar in the sense that in the first year I felt like I was in a foreign land....I had been on the grief journey for one year.....and I was 'so tired'....grief is exhausting...and we can get tired of ourselves grieving...and the process of change...as Dee says....'we change to make room for the loss'....(the grief).....but...we are expected to figure out someway to put it in our daily life...do I put it in the morning...before the 'day' comes....how about lunch time...?? What about after dinner ? We have a 'life'...or we had a life...have to go on...have to shape a theme into our living...but I had not figured what my living was....how many times did I post...'I Miss Me'....the one I was....and I had that attitude of 'what's the use'.....which was foreign to my personality...it wasn't one of those 'I don't care' attitudes....I did not have enough energy to pull a dead cat out of the house....

    The only thing for sure is grief is exhausting....and that is why we feel we have 'no purpose'....but the reason is we are simply in mourning....

    I have to 'surrender' to grief...I am possessive of my grief...it is mine to work through...learn to carry...learn to live with it...

  or I can say....John David is mine...I have to work through this time on the earth home without him by my side...I have to learn to carry 'on' without John David....I have to learn to live through his birthday....another Christmas...another Thanksgiving...another family vacation....another Bar-B-Que....another Mother's Day without a card in the mail.....that is 'my purpose' now.....

     What the ones on this site that have been here so long do 'for' me.....is they wave me on....they let me know they have been on this journey wearing the same shoes....they have hurt...they have been in the same pain...

     I feel (somewhere inside) that I am coming into the 'surrender phase'.....which is....'I do have to carry on without John David'.....there is no choice....there are no 'do overs'....no second chances....no going back....

  I actually have fantasy day dreams...and night dreams of finding him....

   just the other night....I had this dream of being in a house....and someone told me that if I get the house 'just right' all will be well.....and I figured out how to design the house and rooms...and John David was there....it was such a happy dream....it stayed with me all day...a euphoric kind of feeling that carried on through the day....

   Maybe when we have 'survived' this loss of our child..and there is no time table on that for sure....then we will be coming into the 'thrive' phase....

[Steve s mom]

Wade,

I'm so sorry I didnt post for Brooks angelversay I will from work tomorrow,

I have been out sick and can't do much without a PC

About forgiveness I have never forgiven the friend who let Steve die and did nothing ,and did something to conceal/ prolong his needed help.if I saw him walk across the street in front of me today I can't say for sure I wouldn't stomp on the gas petal.

I recently came across a site called friends don't let friends die,it has a lot of children who died from substance related causes and because no one called for help,but also for the many children murdered by someone's lack of action or purposeful in action.

It is called friends don't let friends die if anyone wants to check it out.

I may help save someone's life in educating people who just don't know....I don't think it would have made any difference to Steve who friend was no nearly ignorant,afraid but malicious and uncaring.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade I watched the video of Brook's performance earlier...very talented...Jesse was also into composing his own music and was learning the guitar...

 

I also viewed another one of the videos you had out on Youtube for Brooks...it just struck me how much he smiled, I am sure it lit up the room...it was like all the time...

 

Gretchen...the memorial spot is so very well done...the worker that helps keep it up has a good heart. The information you discovered while there...if it brought you a even slighter feeling of release...it is well that this surfaced for you....the woman who helped Jesse that day...it took me a little over a year to talk with her, I had kept her contact info...she turned out to be a nurse...it was still very, very difficult to hear, the details, but a slightly softer death than I had been tormenting myself with....

 

Shannon, thinking about you today!!

 

Mary Ann, just saw your post...hopefully you will have a computer problems fixed soon...I was down for nearly a week...I was so glad to get back my internet...

 

**************************

All for now...wishing everyone a peaceful day...

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

I think it is a 'gift' to talk to the ones close to our child when they passed....

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I am glad for the smile Brook's music gave you today. I am sorry however to hear that you have been feeling less well, sleep issues and sadness. I agree with Laurie, the memorial speaks volumes to those who see it. The words you shared with those who were working the night that Forest and Ashlie died were pieces of gold; tiny treasures that we find when we travel to the catacombs. A less tormented end than what you had in place in your spirit/mind.

 

Hi Maryanne,thanks for the name of the group. I will check it out.  I hope that you are feeling better soon. Are you sick with flu or something else? Feel better.

 

It was a beautiful day today, high of 64 and sunny with blue, September blue skies. Tomorrow my Son will turn 33. I remember the day as though it was just now! Only my body knows it was 33 years ago for sure...creaking and moving slower than in those days. Baby Girl keeping me on my toes as I am helping out on Mondays, Tuesdays after school,  Saturdays, and today we babysat. I am rather pooped but so glad to be of help as the family adjusts to two babies. The time with Erica Elizabeth is a deep and fabulous joy.

[rlolheiser]

Just here for an update..  Mom is still with us, I am taking great care of her..  she has a failing memory, and her health has declined some this last year, but we just go a day at a time.  she looks at me as her caregiver, not her daughter.  right now that is probably the best thing for me.

 

My families life is coming to a new beginning, JaBoa's mom has now been giving custody of her daughter Sena, and on Thursday, she brings her son Travis home.  Come October it will be 3 years since he has been home to stay.  I have fought the legal systems of child services from day one.  I will forever not trust them.  The things they did to me personally I believe is so illegal, that it makes me cry.  I have been accused of child abuse against my grandson while he was in care and suddenly everything is gone.  I went through over 3 months, fighting for my reputation.  I don't believe in spanking, or hitting much less.  They told me my grandson accused me of slapping him in the face, and I feel so sorry for him, because they had to browbeat him into such an accusation.  I know, and God knows, my young grandson knows.. I would never do such thing.  My ex husband used to slap my oldest daughter in the face, that was one of the reasons I divorced him, and it went through the  courts.  

 

My heart was broken at this accusation, I was ready to leave my house, my family, so I didn't stop the progress my daughter made.  I felt worthless..  even though I knew I didn't do such a thing.  I have called various offices inquiring into this charge and always got the run around..  and suddenly Friday, my daughter was called telling her my grandson could come back on this Thursday.  They have not had any meeting.. the worker told my daughter she knew it wasn't going to stick on me.. but I don't even get a letter telling me that no services were recommended I was being used to keep my grandson out of here but now we are due for court and they are running scared over the stuff they did..  I am elated that my grandson is coming home.. it is so long overdue.  They have a lot of work to do for their family.  I also look forward to the time they can move into their own house and I will be alone with my husband, son, and mother.

 

I shared this story with a few people, and was alone..  guess you find out who is your real family and friends...  Not only did the adults I babysat for come to my defense, but the children, when hearing others talking about this..  became distraught.. cause :you never hurt anybody  (mom, aunty, Leah, Sis, daughter)  and I had to hold them close and tell them it would be ok..  they didn't need to fight for me...God did, but I found out how loved I was

 

This October will be the first time in 5 years that we are able to celebrate JaBoa's angelversary with her brother.  His first two years were terrorized by his father, not letting my daughter mourn her loss. He is thankfully back in prison for the second time in 3 years, not counting the numerous times before.  

 

JaBoa is 18 this year, and next month is the 8th year without her.  And no it isn't easy..  I want her back as much as I did the first second.  I know I can't have her, but I keep her always in my heart, I teach the kids what a wonder she is, and about the love she taught us.. the gift that keeps giving, and now with the great grands.. I will tell them.. so that somebody will always know there was a little girl named JaBoa and she had a great deal to do with the grandma I am today

 

sadly, I missed many important dates..  but even through the missing.. my heart is with them, and you...

 

sorry for the lengthy post... just wanted to share

[briansdad]

Sitting here reflecting on the past 10 years. This came to me.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Greg, that was beautiful, thanks for sharing. My "patch" has loosened quite a bit lately, and the tears have fallen. It's good to know that it will get softer. God bless.

[wgreenlee]

Laurie...

I can't truly remember my son ever really being too sad.  He knew we supported him unconditionally and he had fantastic friends.  Even when he was going through his addictions he was always battling with a smile on his face...I think he knew he would win that battle.  Together we were always optimistic.  He never blamed anyone and I think also wanted us to know it was going to be ok.  When people think of Brooks, his smile always seems to be the highlight.  He had a good life...some uphill climbs, but generally it was smooth riding.  I just posted to Lisa on another forum.  You had also posted to her.  Her son also was murdered and she has to still go through the trial.  Even though I am sorry for my the family of my son's murderer, I am thankful I don't have to go through a trial.

 

Maryann...

I know your heart.  And it is big and full of love.  No apologies needed.

 

Susan...

"I think it is a 'gift' to talk to the ones close to our child when they passed...."

 

I read and reread and reread some more your post.  That is me, too.  Everything you said is me.  Especially the part where you think you can still do something to bring your child back.  I know it's irrational, but I do think that sometimes.  It's almost palpable...I guess it's a way of seriously thinking that we will not see our child again...that's the truly irrational part.  Thank you for your post.  It made a difference... Gave me some things to think about.  Can't keep avoiding some of those things...surrendering is part of the process...so hard for me to let go...  How do I move on when everything I did before was for and with Brooks and Renea?  It's only half now.  I need to try and make that half a whole for me and Renea.

 

JaBoa's Grandma...

It is good to let it out.  Long or short...your heart says it all...  I will be thinking good thoughts for you and hoping all works out.  Yes, we are in this together and our hearts are with each other.

 

Greg...

From one dad to another...1 year...5 years...10 years...I will be thinking of Brian's Angelversary as it approaches on the 30th.

 

Dee...

Where do you get the energy?  I want some...  Glad the weather is cooperating up there.  Sunny skies always make life easier.  So happy for the little ones and how you must "spoil" them...as it should be!

[ericasmom]

Greg, what a beautiful tribute to your Loving Son, honoring the grief that comes with such a huge loss, and comparing the grief to the worn shirt. Those sharp edges, I remember so well, and I am grateful for the softened edges and the larger view of a life lived well and fully.
I will be thinking of you as September days flit past us. On that angelversary, know that I am holding your hand and your heart.

 

Peace Greg,

Dee

[tobyfreefoot]

a drunken sobbing marshall just spent an hour and 18 min. telling me what a bad, negligent mom i was and says i said things i wouldn't say to my worse enemies.  apparently this has been in his mind since before forest died.  when he died he said his only family died.  i swear i would never say the things he said i said.  i was on the phone crying with him in the bathroom of my job.  my life...ugh...he told me how i "broke" him and my other sons, and all i cared about was my daughter.  today i want to disappear without a trace. forever

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Gretchen....if I could just swoosh through the screen and be there with you...

    My memory has not been as sharp since I lost my boy....but I do remember when Marshall dropped/failed in College...or maybe he walked away....when Forrest died....but you stood by him....you gave him leeway...and a reason....and all of us understood...for grief can manifest in so many different shapes and forms....with siblings....

     I believe ....and I am not a professional counselor....this is just my thoughts....for I am a Mom of 5 boys....Marshall is being 'a little boy'.....I believe this is a cry for attention and help.....this is a 'son' that has no children....he does not have the experience or the mileage .....or maturity....and outburst like that come from one that doesn't have the mental/maturity capacity to handle it all.....

   I have 2 step children...Aaron and Jason....and have had to deal with outburst about what all happened when we got custody....I have John David and Jesse that would 'corner' me....with the most absurd things their Dad and his family would relate.........

   I...knowing....that the truth would come out....but they needed to be older...more mature to understand it all....for those experiences were very complex...with a lot of back story....

     I am only telling you this for you to know that this grief journey can get pretty messy.....and if he was drunk....please take a lot of it with a grain of salt....and also.....my children could not understand what all I did...for them....until they had children of their own....and then...the pieces fell together....

    Marshall is having a knee jerk reaction to his grief....and...I think our surviving children must have such an empty space...and also....the fact that they learn...'Mom can't save them'.....for mine seem to have thought I could cure cancer...stop a bullet....'kiss and make everything ok'.......they know how much I love them...and that has always been a very protective veil for them.....now...they know Mom can't save them anymore than I could save John David....pretty sobering fact to digest....let us hear....

[daveydow1]

Hello  to all Indigos.   Haven't been on for awhile due to all the work to do lately.  finishing up

garden, canning etc.  Trying to catch up with the posts, but so far behind.   

 

Reading the posts about "forgiveness".  I believe that I agree with Dee on this one.  Of

course it is a very personal thing to deal with, and  the issue can  be dealt with in different

ways among siblings if it is a family matter.,,,,,,it's how each person sees it, and how they

have been hurt. Many times, the person who has done the hurting does not even ask for

forgiveness...as if they didn't care whether they are forgiven or not.

 

 

 

Gretchen----

So very sorry that you are in such a dark place right now.  Wishing you peace,

and that things might somehow be brighter. Thinking about you.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry   

   

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I hope that you can recover from such a difficult call from your Boy. You know the parent you are, your Boy is striking out at you for reasons all his own and it sounds like a deep depression that he is unable to climb from. He blames you today because you will still love him tomorrow. I am holding your heart with mine.

 

Sherry it is good to see you today. I knew you were busy with the garden, harvesting and canning. Now put your feet up and a piece of wood in the stove. Rest.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

 

 

Changed out the solar lights today. There are 1 beside each lion, 4 in the

flower arrangement, four around Jared's marker, and 1 on each back corner.

12 total. We'll have to sneak in after dark one evening to see how it looks!

 

 

[ericasmom]

It's beautiful Becky. You really have it ready for the autumnal darkening. Your Boy will give his light all around. I cannot leave anything like that at the site where Erica is buried. A catholic cemetery and a flat stone, anything I have adorned the area with is either stolen or run over and crushed by the lawn mowers. I am not catholic, nor was Eri, but her Grandpa from her dad's side was buried there so they allowed her to be there too. Having someone from the family there seemed to make sense that Erica was there too.

 

 

[lovU2themoon]

Hello all, I have missed so much, not sure why, or where i have been, the days seem to just go by.

 

Wade, i did think of your Brooks on the 9th as i remember your journey was only a month behind mine.

 

I have done lots of thinking and reading over the last few weeks, writing in my journal, i looked back on my journal when Lane first died, and yes i do see the change

over the past year, the heart wrenching grief is no longer present all the time, i no longer cry all day, just once or twice a day. 

I am grateful that i can now breath without the pain in my heart making me feel like dying.

Not really sure how we survive this loss, but we do. and we carry on. 

I never thought i would survive the year. 

I am grateful for all of you helping me on this journey.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....your 'labor of love' shines through...all day and all night.....

 

Wanda....it was Dee that said it is a miracle that we can survive one day after we lose a child....and I, too, am amazed that I have survived two years.....and I have learned we can only have deep grief...when we have deep love...

    I have 'wondered' about our connections here on this earth home...and wonder about our children's connection in their 'sky home'....

  and I, too, am so grateful for everyone on this site that has held my hand and helped me one day at a time....

    I am happy that you have felt the gift of grace and mercy in your grief journey....

[Mermaid Tears]

Greg.....what a 'shining through' .....thank you for sharing....when many on this site will share something so cherished and deep....it brings a comfort....I am going to copy it...just for me and my family....if you don't mind.

 

Years ago....when my boys started leaving home for college...they would come home for a week-end visit..and there would be a flurry of cooking favorite dishes.....them going off to visit friends...and washing the clothes they would bring home...then...they would be pulling out of the drive-way....and we would wave and blow kisses with smiles....

  then...I would go to their bedrooms...to do some putting and placing...they would always leave a shirt ...shorts..bluejeans behind..and I started calling that my 'Crying Shirt'....not sad tears....just tears of not having that boy home...

[wgreenlee]

Only have a few minutes before I have to score our HS volleyball...

 

Wanda...

"I have done lots of thinking and reading over the last few weeks, writing in my journal, i looked back on my journal when Lane first died, and yes i do see the change

over the past year, the heart wrenching grief is no longer present all the time, i no longer cry all day, just once or twice a day. 

I am grateful that i can now breath without the pain in my heart making me feel like dying.

Not really sure how we survive this loss, but we do. and we carry on. 

I never thought i would survive the year. 

I am grateful for all of you helping me on this journey."

 

Again, I have been heartened by another post that parallels my grief and gives me hope.  Thank you, Wanda.

 

Becky...

That is such a beautiful site.  Every night when I visit Brooks my heart seems to skip a beat when I see Brooks' solar lights bright and shining on him.  Makes me feel better...like the light of life is still shining brightly with him.  I want people to see that light when they visit.  I, too, have to replace the batteries because they aren't lasting as long anymore.  Someone took another hummingbird light...they must have needed a piece of Brooks in their life...so I will go buy another one to match the first.  We have started the process in earnest for his headstone, but I know I will have a tough time when I replace his wooden plate I made.  Every couple of weeks I bring it home and sand it down and spray it again with the faux stone.  After I spray the clear coat it shines just like the granite or marble on the nearby headstones.  I know Brooks is proud of me for keeping it looking tight.

 

Another classmate of Brooks passed away a couple of weeks ago due to complications of diabetes.  Unbelievably that makes eight by my last count...all from his circle of friends.  So young...the kids say their group is "cursed", but I don't believe that...but I still constantly ask why.  He had the best of friends.  Just started talking with the mom, Cathy, and told her about all of you.  She was telling me that Alecia wanted so much to go to Brooks' Celebration, but was too ill...that hit me.  Hopefully she Cathy will come to us.  I remember those early days...hope was so very important back then...still is...but life does move on.  I know now that I have some wisdom to help...

 

Well, off to volleyball...

 

Love to all!

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Today's project.. new flowers for the "Heart Flower Holder" given to us by  our neighbor in 2011, to honor Jared. It was placed in the flowerbed in front of my porch. With the nerve damage in my hands, these tasks that used to be easy, are no longer, but I still enjoy doing them.

 

 

Thank you, Wade! Jared slept with a nightlight on, one that shone stars onto his ceiling... now he sleeps up in the stars and sees the light (our love) shining up to him. We still have his nightlight plugged in here at home, and I bought another just like it, so whenever it decides to burn out, I will replace it. It's those types of connections that keep me attuned to him. I know that makes sense to all of you, whereas it would sound ludicrous to others. 

[shorty16]

My dear Indigo friends,

One of our members, Enid joined shortly after I did. Her 15 year old son, Ethan died in an ATV accident in 2008. She is from Namibia, Africa.

Enid's 28 year old daughter died 2days ago. Diabetic issues.

My heart cries for her.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[tobyfreefoot]

colleen--so sad and sorry to hear of enid's tragedy.  makes me feel pretty self centered and petty when i think of how absolutely devastating that must be.  if you are in touch with her please send our love and condolences.

 

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Oh my gosh, Colleen, I remember following  a link to the memorial page for Ethan, and now her daughter?  what a shame. Scares me too, because of my diabetic episode this year, I can relate to how quickly things can go wrong. My thoughts and prayers are with Enid. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Last night and this morning...when I tried to get on the site....I had a page to come up saying this was an Attack Page...so my Techno Smart husband did some investigating....and could not find anything....so I clicked on 'Ignore this Warning'....wondering if anyone else has had this issue....I will contact ModKonnie about it...

[Mermaid Tears]

Colleen.....I ....and many others offer our deep...and heart felt sympathy....to Enid....and so many of us have that 'fear'...what 'if' I should lose two children ? Please let her know we are saying prayers for her and her family.