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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Susan, it is hard to be okay when people we know leave, it brings to the surface all that the families must now do, must now go through. Yes. Just a while ago while on the deck, I heard sirens call. Then helicopters circling like so many vultures might do over a hurt animal. I immediately went to the place that I was in 11 years ago, the phone call. Someone is likely getting a phone call. I am a bit teary today. I am thinking of you and sending hope.

 

Sherry, some critter is snipping the heads of our sunflowers right off, chomp, and they lay wasted on the ground. Well the finch find them of course and the squirrels who we suspect are the damage doers. Damn, such pretty sunflowers at their height of pretty, gone. I scooped one head up because generally I take several to school in late august to show the kids the patterns of the seeds that once made up the center...no giants this year, we are unsure why although something was pulling them right out of the ground in early summer. Squirrels? Don't know.

 

Kalik, I am glad that you spend a peaceful afternoon on the pontoon on this mark of time. 4 months is a lifetime and yet so small a piece of a calendar. I agree with Lora, I hang out with folks that can handle hearing stories about Erica, people that ask me about Erica, people unafraid to use her name and include her in stories told. Those that I no longer hang out with could not do this and I could not abide by that kind of lack. My life, your life, all of our lives, will always include our Beloved Children. They will be with us each step of the way and we carry them forward into each moment. Those that cannot handle that? I consider this their issue.

 

Karen, I must have missed some reading, it has been busy around here, but I want to comment on your committment to eating more small meals. Good for you. It is what may help you with all aspects of your health right now.

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Lora- Thank you, Sarai was my little "mini me". We got that wherever we went. 

 

Susan- I will be praying for you and your town.

 

Kalik- What a peaceful afternoon for Lane's angelversary.

 

Salior mom- thank you for the words of encouragement. Prayers for us all.

 

Jody 

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Still having crazy things going on with the computer. Log on to see I am already signed in? Yikes!

 

Sorry to see many are having a blue day. Unfortunately that is how this grieving process works. Some bad days and some better ones. Hold on.

 

Dee, I can relate to the sound of sirens. It's been some time for me, but every time I see or hear an ambulance my heart drops. My stomach is sick. Guess it will always be this way. Sorry to see that your sunflowers were hit in their prime. I remember as a young child a neighbor of ours had the most beautiful flower garden. She was such a cheerful and happy lady. One day I took it upon myself to pick a huge bunch of her  prize flowers for my Mom. Well, I have to say that my mother had a fit when she saw what I had done. I was promptly marched over with the flowers in hand and gave them back to her. She refused to take them and in all honesty she was pleased that I had found them so inviting. She gave them back to my Mom with a smile on her face. I was no more than four or so. We have noticed that the fields along the way to the city growing sunflowers are not as big as they have been other years. Certainly not as tall.

 

Jody, I waited for ages to hear the results of the autopsy. Five months to be precise. They were sent to our family Doctor who called us in to explain the results. As far as I know there are five causes of death. Accidental, Murder, Suicide, Determined(as in cancer, etc.)  And Undetermined. I know it is a tense time waiting to hear the exact cause or details of death. Many as Sherry mentioned opt out of hearing the details. Just too much to handle. It is a personal thing. As much as he tried to soften the blow it was more then I could take.

 

Susan, oh my...so much happening all at once. Please take good care of yourself! Thinking of you.

 

Shannon, great pictures! Thanks for sharing.

 

It is extremely hot and humid here today. The first day we have experienced over 30C this summer. I have to say I'm not too fussy about this kind of heat. The flowers are definitely looking somewhat wilted this afternoon. We sure could do with a good rain. Can't believe I am actually saying that after all of the rain we had this spring.

 

Thinking of everyone and sending love to all. Ted, Wade, Gretchen, Leah, and everyone that has posted in previous times. Hope you are all managing ok. Kate

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lovU2themoon

]Thanks for your thoughts.

Trying very hard to stay in this day, and not do the "last year...."

 

Laurie, Lindsay actually went on a week vacation to British Columbia house boating.

I was very glad, in reading over the year, one thing you guys have talked about was "getting back to nature"

BC if full of beautiful scenery, and mountains, I really wanted her to go, the prairies are beautifully flat, and rolling fields, great sunset,

But BC, she has never been.

She will be back late tonight or early tomorrow morning.

 

The LIGHT UP THE NIGHT FOR LANE has turned out really well, many people bought lights, and we place them at the cross, other 

now have a solar light in their garden for him. 

Thank you Gretchen and Shannon for posting lights on his event page.

 

Today, i have read, meditated, sat in Lane's room, cried.missing my boy..

post-352017-0-69618100-1407533888_thumb.

post-352017-0-87911200-1407533952_thumb.

post-352017-0-67054700-1407534025_thumb.

 

 

I Love you Lane

Love mom

 

 

 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

As many of you know I am always interested in research that involves Near Death Experiences. IANDS (International Association for Near Death Studies) is a well known research group primarily founded by Dr Raymond Moody, Kenneth Ring, and Bruce Greyson. They have a yearly conference and this year a person can sign up and view the sessions through the internet for a small fee (Thursday has some free sessions). I am most interested in Dr. Mary Neal who had a near death experience and also had her son pass. Here is the info on it for anyone who may be interested:

 

http://conference.iands.org/speakers/

 

Link to the provider who is responsible for streaming the presentations for the internet

http://sfts.tv/iands-2014-conference/

 

(I should note that it is mostly the primary speakers I am interested in...as with everything in this grief journey, I take what is helpful to me and leave behind the rest.)

 

Also,the provider for the streaming video suggested that Firefox browser be used instead of Internet Explorer. Firefox is available as a free download and can be installed on your computer even if you have IE too.

 

Screenshot of IANDS Internet conference:

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Dee----Yep...we have some canaries coming around the sunflowers in the back

by the patio. They are such a vibrant color of yellow this time of the season.  It

must be either squirrels or chipmunks biting off your sunflower heads....GRrrrrr.

they are such destructive creatures....can't stand them, really, but wouldn't

mind them if they stayed in the woods :mellow: ,.... but of course, they seem to want

to live next to us.  We've been relieved of the chipmunk problem that we had

for awhile....due to the owls coming around (YAY....  OWLS !!).  Being a nature

lover always puts one in the predicament of the creatures and their sometimes

nasty little tricks.  My neighbor is being deviled by raccoons lately.  :(   I hope

the critters in your flower garden give it up.

 

Shannon-----Lovely story of the butterfly that Tris sent to Madi.....Also, that the

kind lady gave balloons to Madi and Aiden.  Your pics of the balloons drifting

ever upward is bittersweet.  When we send up balloons,  they are going farther

and farther from us, and tug at the heart.... but they're going closer & closer to our angels.

Thanks for the beautiful pics.

 

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND  SERENITY  TO   ALL  INDIGOS,  AND   GOOD NIGHT'S   REST.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry 

 

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karenthiemermann

Shannon: Thank you for posting the link. I started gardening last March. We live in an apartment with a small patio out back, so it is very challenging. I have found a great solace in it, though. I just started my fall vegetables, but it's still really too hot here to do much.

 

My last shot seems to be giving me some relief this time. I have hope.

 

Still trying to reach Michael--he just doesn't respond to me. I haven't heard a word from my son-in-law, either. So frustrating.

 

For the past few weeks, I've been praying for a "sign" from Michelle. I beleive in the power of prayer and know that God answers them in His time. Today we went to the library to pick up some books I had on hold. One of them is, " I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PHD. Right before the contents page is a poem, a Hopi Prayer, actually. It was as if Michelle was speaking to me--herself; in fact, I BELIEVE God answered my prayers and sent this to me as my "sign" from her.

 

" Do not stand

  at my grave and weep

 I am not there,

I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand

winds that blow.

I am the diamond

glints on the snow.

 

I am the sunlight

On the ripened grain.

I am the gentle

Autumn's rain.

 

When you awaken

in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in

circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

 

Do not stand

at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die."

 

 

I just could hardly believe my eyes when I read it. It was her message to me, I'm sure of it.

 

Have any of you had a similar experience? I'm so comforted by this!

 

I wish you all a pleasant night and the sweetest of dreams.

 

PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen

 

 

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karenthiemermann

Shannon: Thank you for posting the link. I started gardening last March. We live in an apartment with a small patio out back, so it is very challenging. I have found a great solace in it, though. I just started my fall vegetables, but it's still really too hot here to do much.

 

My last shot seems to be giving me some relief this time. I have hope.

 

Still trying to reach Michael--he just doesn't respond to me. I haven't heard a word from my son-in-law, either. So frustrating.

 

For the past few weeks, I've been praying for a "sign" from Michelle. I beleive in the power of prayer and know that God answers them in His time. Today we went to the library to pick up some books I had on hold. One of them is, " I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PHD. Right before the contents page is a poem, a Hopi Prayer, actually. It was as if Michelle was speaking to me--herself; in fact, I BELIEVE God answered my prayers and sent this to me as my "sign" from her.

 

" Do not stand

  at my grave and weep

 I am not there,

I do not sleep.

 

I am a thousand

winds that blow.

I am the diamond

glints on the snow.

 

I am the sunlight

On the ripened grain.

I am the gentle

Autumn's rain.

 

When you awaken

in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in

circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

 

Do not stand

at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die."

 

 

I just could hardly believe my eyes when I read it. It was her message to me, I'm sure of it.

 

Have any of you had a similar experience? I'm so comforted by this!

 

I wish you all a pleasant night and the sweetest of dreams.

 

PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen

                                                                  ( DUPLICATE POST__AGAIN)

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Karen, I am glad that your shot has given you some relief! I can't begin to imagine how uncomfortable this is for you. Good for you taking on the challenge of planting a garden. It is no easy task, but offers a bountiful reward. I love that poem. It does bring such a sense of calm and peace when you read it. I am sure that it was sent just for you by your special girl today when you needed it. And yes there have been times at my most painful times that things just happened to be there to give comfort. What are you planning to grow for your fall garden?

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Karen, that poem has always caused a tear from my eyes. It is one of the three poems recited outdoors at our school each Memorial Day. The fifth graders recite it for the whole school. It is extremely moving. A woman actually, from Ohio wrote it, mary elizabeth frye, in 1932 as she was inspired by a friend who had come to America and  could not return home as the Jews were being rounded up. I am not surprised that it was found inside a book dedicated by the Hopi as this poem has been translated in many languages and has been used around the world at funerals and memorial services.

I believe that Your Girl made sure that you saw that poem when you did, a message from the heavens, from your Angel girl. I have 11 years worth of little treasures that let me know Erica has been present. And it is the best feeling to receive these.

Did Michael come home last weekend and spend time with you?  I know it must be frustrating to not be able to get a hold of neither him or Michelle's husband.

Glad that the shot seems to be assisting you.

 

Sherry, those canaries sound lovely. How long will they stay before wintering elsewhere?

 

Going to bed, had a blast with my Grandgirl at the park and feeding her dinner and giving her a bath. She is such a bright light in our lives.

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Kalik: I'm sorry I got your sons name wrong. I mixed it up with Wanda's son. 

 

Karen: Thank you for the beautiful poem.

 

Kate: The waiting for the autopsy makes me sick. I have stress and anxiety over it everyday  because I know that it could come back a couple of different ways. I then worry if it comes back a way that I'm not prepared, what will I say to people? I'm scared. I keep praying that God will give me results that we all can handle, if there is even such a thing. 

 

This all is too much to bear everyday. i know I have other children to keep living for but I wonder what is the purpose and why do we all have to suffer such unimaginable pain. I never in a million years saw my life like this. I prayed every night that my children would live long, healthy, happy lives and that has been shattered. I still am in shock and when I read back to some of the posts, I realize I will feel like this probably forever or at least a very long time. I want to get rid of all of my things and move and start a new life. Everything is different now, I feel like I don't belong anywhere and do not know how to socialize without talking about Sarai and I really don't want to be social at all. I was so different before this happened and now I don't even know who I am. I feel myself trying to comfort other people so they aren't hurting or feeling akward or I apologize often because I don't want to do much and it seems like life goes on around you and most people do not understand your pain. I feel happiest at the beach but cannot be there all the time and everywhere I go, it reminds me of Sarai. Sarai's best friend Alea comes over everyday. Alea , who we have known since she was 6 is now 18, lost her mom when she was 8. So I feel like we have an extra special bond, but I wonder is it unhealthy that I would rather hang out with her than my own friends? Alea tells me stories about Sarai that I didn't know, so it makes me feel closer to Sarai. Plus, Sarai visits Alea often and I love hearing about it. My head and heart hurt so much.

 

Thank you all for listening,

Jody 

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karenthiemermann

Dee: Thank you for the history on the poem. I had no idea it was so famous, but I can see why. I will always treasure it and now will be able to see and feel my Angel Girl all around me! Michael did spend one weekend with me, but I haven't heard from him in a week. My mother always says, "No news is good news", but I always feel something is not quite right when I don't hear from my children.

 

Kate: I am doing all my gardening in containers. I learned a lot through trial and error in my first season last spring. For fall, I'm growing heirloom tomatoes, collard greens, red winter kale, shelling peas, brocolli, chamomile, sweet peppers, and heirloom lettuce; along with all my herbs that are still hanging on from spring: rosemary, basil, oregano, mint, thyme, cilantro. It's so good for my soul to be nurturing something.

 

Today is Michelle's one month Angelversary. I decided to write a little about her. There's so much background needed in order to get a clearer picture of her so here is a little bit of an intro:

 

Michelle (and Michael) were born on Sept. 7, 1979, in San Antonio, Texas. I wan't married. Chuck was 13 months old. I was pregnant twice out of wedlock, but was adamant about keeping my babies and raising them. Michelle's dad was attending the language school at Lackland AFB; he was in the Royal Saudi Arabian Navy. We ended up moving to San Diego, where he got transferred to, so the twins could grow up near him. He ended up deserting us.

 

When the twins were about 2, I met Charles Taylor, a sailor, and we eventually moved in together and got married and had Bonnie. Charles was really the only dad the 3 older kids ever knew. But he loved them and they loved him. 

 

My father passed away in Jan., 1984, and very soon after, Charles was deployed for 6 months to the Western Pacific. I was alone with 4 children and grieving for my dad. When he got back, we grew apart and ended up divorcing in 1990.

 

We moved back to San Antonio to be near family and to try to "rebuild". Shortly thereafter, Michelle's best friend was murdered. She was 12 years old and completely devastated. I put her in therapy for a while and she became very close to Felicia's mom, who took her under her wing. It was then that things got really tough for my darling girl.

 

Sorry to have to give so much info but I wanted you all to get to know Michelle.

I'll continue this later on today.

 

Hope you all have a great day. I love all of you and am forever grateful to have become a part of this "family".

 

PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen 

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karenthiemermann

Dee: Thank you for the history on the poem. I had no idea it was so famous, but I can see why. I will always treasure it and now will be able to see and feel my Angel Girl all around me! Michael did spend one weekend with me, but I haven't heard from him in a week. My mother always says, "No news is good news", but I always feel something is not quite right when I don't hear from my children.

 

Kate: I am doing all my gardening in containers. I learned a lot through trial and error in my first season last spring. For fall, I'm growing heirloom tomatoes, collard greens, red winter kale, shelling peas, brocolli, chamomile, sweet peppers, and heirloom lettuce; along with all my herbs that are still hanging on from spring: rosemary, basil, oregano, mint, thyme, cilantro. It's so good for my soul to be nurturing something.

 

Today is Michelle's one month Angelversary. I decided to write a little about her. There's so much background needed in order to get a clearer picture of her so here is a little bit of an intro:

 

Michelle (and Michael) were born on Sept. 7, 1979, in San Antonio, Texas. I wan't married. Chuck was 13 months old. I was pregnant twice out of wedlock, but was adamant about keeping my babies and raising them. Michelle's dad was attending the language school at Lackland AFB; he was in the Royal Saudi Arabian Navy. We ended up moving to San Diego, where he got transferred to, so the twins could grow up near him. He ended up deserting us.

 

When the twins were about 2, I met Charles Taylor, a sailor, and we eventually moved in together and got married and had Bonnie. Charles was really the only dad the 3 older kids ever knew. But he loved them and they loved him. 

 

My father passed away in Jan., 1984, and very soon after, Charles was deployed for 6 months to the Western Pacific. I was alone with 4 children and grieving for my dad. When he got back, we grew apart and ended up divorcing in 1990.

 

We moved back to San Antonio to be near family and to try to "rebuild". Shortly thereafter, Michelle's best friend was murdered. She was 12 years old and completely devastated. I put her in therapy for a while and she became very close to Felicia's mom, who took her under her wing. It was then that things got really tough for my darling girl.

 

Sorry to have to give so much info but I wanted you all to get to know Michelle.

I'll continue this later on today.

 

Hope you all have a great day. I love all of you and am forever grateful to have become a part of this "family".

 

PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen                              (DUPLICATE__AGAIN)

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Karen, your fall gardening plans sound terrific. I love the idea of container gardening and have found I am gradually going that route myself. I am glad that you felt you could share your past with us. It does help to talk and open up about our lives. Many twists and turns in the long road of life. Nobody said it was easy...and some have more than their fair share of worries.

 

 

Jody, I can completely understand your reluctance in hearing the autopsy results. In fact I am glad that you mentioned it on the site. I spoke to a young woman yesterday that told me she lost her older sister two months after Jeff due to alcoholism. She was only 42 years old. She appeared so anxious to speak to someone that would not judge or find reason to back away. I listened intently as she told her story. My heart ached for her. Clearly she loved her sister dearly and felt a deep sadness at not being able to reach her before she died. First of all, you should never feel as if you need to make up a story to suit others. I simply state that my son had heart issues. And he did. A broken heart. I do not go into details apart from saying that it was sudden and unexpected. Only a couple of people have actually pressed for further info. How our child dies is important to us but in the end the outcome remains the same. They are gone and we love them dearly. We just want them back and we are struggling to learn how to live without them in it. It is very hard. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there!

 

Dee, hope you are feeling better today. I am glad that yesterday spent with your little sweetheart was fun. I agree that there is no better medicine that time spent in the company of young children. They can't help but make us smile. Sorry again about your sunflowers.

 

Laurie, thanks for sharing this info. Interesting indeed!

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LANE, surround your Mom and sister with your loving presence today as they remember all that was special about you.

 

Wanda, I am thinking of you today as you face your first Angel date.

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LANE-

breeze in with your joy-filled energy and wrap around your Momma and Sister letting them know that you are with them in all they do just as you are with them in each step they take.

 

Wanda, you are in our thoughts and prayers.

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Mermaid Tears

I have been up this morning since 3:30.....am wondering if I am slipping back into my 'sleep-less' phase....

 

also have been reading all the past posts....

 

Jody....am so ..so sorry to hear of your beautiful girl passing...I found this site one night when I was looking something else up on the internet.....now I feel as if I was 'led' here.....for my human boat was going down...down...down....and many on this site threw out a life raft....with kind and caring and considerate...and most of all...understanding words....we are all here to hear each other.....

    Our grief journey will be as unique as our child was unique.....the grief journey does not come with a map or compass...

many on this site are what I call our 'spirit guides'....they are the ones a little farther up on the path....and they wave to us...and with their words....they give us courage to put one foot in front of the other....

 

I want to thank each of you that remembered me...my family...and most of all....my beautiful..beloved boy, John David on our 2nd Angel Anniversary.....I made a print screen copy of all the artwork....and will share that with the family....

 

We went to Port Aransas....last year....we had a 'blessing and scattering' of his ashes....

this year we took a boat to the place...we scattered the ashes in front of the Lydia Ann Lighthouse ...and it was a shimmering cloudless sky....the wind was calm....it was a gorgeous day....am comforted by all the friends that were there to sustain and support us...

 

It was as if John David was using the wind to give us a hug....and the waves to give us a kiss....so...so  sweet....

 

We had lunch and then everyone went to the beach....I was in the water more than on the sand...I do believe salt water has healing power....

    That evening we got dressed...went to a restaurant..and I suddenly felt clammy...then flushed...asked Daniel to take me back to the room....10 minutes later I was throwing up....then had aches in every muscle...fever....then I started having diarrhea...for the rest of the night I had either diarrhea or dry heaves....no sleep....the next day...I was still aching...and spent...not one ounce of energy....Daniel went and took his sisters crabbing...and I spent the rest of the day in bed..still could not sleep....that night I had fitful sleep and the strangest dreams ever. I woke up at the crack of dawn...and told Daniel we must get home....I was good on the trip home....and not one ache..fever...nothing...just very drained...I don't know what I had....it wasn't food poisoning...for everyone ate the same thing for lunch...a virus maybe ? I am thinking that the stress/grief...grief/stress was a big factor....and once again...I am reminded of the physical effects that grief can do to a physical body....

    I will remind myself every morning....to take it easy...and 'self care'....

And I will be honest.....the 'day' was hard to get through...but I made it...

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Sweet Sweet Lane,

I am saying your name today. Let your Mom and Sister feel your Spirit all around them today. Show them you're close and wrap them in your love.

Wanda,

I saw on Lane's facebook page that he loves fireflies. I made this for you, in honor of Lane. I'm sending you love and hugs today.

post-328114-0-18496700-1407596266_thumb.

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Lane...saying your name because I'm learning...names are so important.  And I know that your name, Lane, is so important for your momma!

 

Wanda~{{HUGS}}

 

Karen~I'm finding the gardening to be therapeutic in and of itself.  The herbs alone would be heavenly.  Thank you for sharing some back story.

 

Mermaidtears~The day sounded wonderful.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as it sounds like you did.  Breeze and all.

 

A friend of mine started a page on Facebook back when we were getting ready for services and they were doing a fundraiser.  She's 'handed it over' to me so that I can 'grieve in community'...memories, etc.  So...if you are interested, it is:  www.facebook.com/CoraIannello

 

You can like the page, if you choose.

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Mermaid Tears

Wanda....today as you and your daughter are facing a very dreaded..heavy...heartbreaking day....know that we are with you in spirit...and in thoughts....

  May that beautiful..beloved boy slip through the Universe...and be beside you in any and every way he can...

I pray you feel him close to you....it won't be like the human touch...but more like a whisper touch...blessings to you and yours.

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Jody--no worries.  We all want to hear our kids' names and Wanda got to hear Lane's.  

 

Heading out to the lake again, today, with friends and our nephew and his girlfriend.  

 

Still feeling frustrated that I can't find out if the guy who contributed to my son's death is in jail or not.  I REALLY want to see him sentenced, but it won't be for what he did to Ethan, but for skipping town while on parole and probably dealing drugs.  I have tried the detectives--no answer; the prosecutor's office--no answer.  I even tried the newspapers.  It will give me such peace to know this man is in jail for a very long time.  He has done this before and WILL do it again and NO other parent deserves THAT call!    As much as I would like to die and be with Ethan, I will never be able to until I know this man is out of society.

 

 

You all have a beautiful day.  It is beautiful in Southeastern Michigan.  So beautiful, we've gotten no further on EThan's room. :(  And we have guests from FL coming next week.  Guess it will have to be our night time activity.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Susan,

Good to see your post and know you are home. It sounds like such a beautiful day for John David's loved ones to come together to honor and remember him. I agree about salt water. I lived in Florida when I was younger and go back to the ocean in mind a lot. We don't get much salt water in Ohio. I'm so sorry you were hit with that 'bug'. I'm glad that you are paying attention to what your body may need. I do believe that we are 'mind-body-spirit'... all connected. Stress and grief for sure can cause or at least make our physical bodies more susceptible. I have also been having more sleep trouble lately. For me it's falling asleep. Once out I could probably sleep for years but Aiden doesn't allow that. So, I go with what I get and sleepwalk through the day with lots and lots of coffee.

Kalikama,

I hope you enjoy the day on the lake as much as you can. I am glad for such a beautiful day for you. I hope you hear soon and get the answers you need.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing that link.

Karen,

That poem is beautiful. I do believe your sweet Michelle made sure you found that when you needed it, to feel the comfort of her presence. I also have had times that I just know something was 'sent' to me from my Trista.

Thank you for telling us more about Michelle and the rest of your family. Telling the stories of our Children is important and I feel as if I've gotten to know the Angels here through their stories being shared.

More to post later. Thinking of all today and sending peaceful thoughts.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Jody,

I can relate to so much in your post. Those feelings of not belonging, of needing to just ‘go’… somewhere, anywhere… I felt that too and still do sometimes. In those first months, I would see myself just packing up and driving away. If it weren’t for my boys, I may have.

As far as spending time with Sarai’s best friend, I understand that too. The night I lost my Trista, her closest friends were here before I ever got home from the hospital. They stayed for most of two weeks. After that they still were in and out a lot. It was summer and they were out of school. When school started up again they returned to their normal lives, which was good because I was ready at that point to spend more time alone. I really was grateful for having them here so much. They shared stories with me. Things I might never have known otherwise. We talked and remembered and looked at pictures. They still come, though not as much. They are all busy with life, getting ready for college, etc. When they come now, though, I still feel as if they bring Trista’s energy with them. They stay over a day or two and it’s like she’s there with us.

I understand how much you’re hurting. Sarai and Trista were very close in age. Trista talked of being an orthodontist. I thought of that when I read Sarai was going to be dentist. Tris was a little flighty though and also wanted to be a pediatric nurse and a fashion photographer. I wonder all the time what she would have eventually done. Whatever it would have been I would have been so so proud of her.

I also prayed every night that my children would be safe, healthy and happy. I would visualize them grown with families of their own. We would have done absolutely anything to protect our Kids.

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karenthiemermann

Hello all! Hope you're all having a good day. It is a beautiful day here--a little hot, but the sun is out and I feel the presence of my girl all around me in such a good way. It's hard to describe.

 

To continue with Michelle's story: After her best friend was killed, she was in and out of trouble: truancy, drugs, staying out all night. I remember getting a phone call--twice, from police, to come pick her up. It was really tough. I was working 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet and just wasn't home as much as I should have been. That's a big part of the guilt I carry now. She dropped out of school and got a job, which she was very good at. Everyone loved her. She was smart, gorgeous, super friendly; trying to grow up so fast.

 

The boys moved out and my sister, my younger sister who passed 3 years ago, moved in with us. I started seeing someone then and got very involved with him. I wasn't home much at all. My sister looked after the girls a lot. She was not the best influence for them. I just didn't know it at the time.

 

Bonnie graduated from 8th grade and went to live with her dad in Indiana after he retired from the Navy. She decided to stay and attend high school there which broke my heart, but she was well taken care of. Michelle had a steady boyfriend at the time--Cory. She was crazy about him and he treated her so badly. I tried and tried to tell her how I felt, but she wasn't hearing it. She was in love. Well, he ended up breaking up with her. It was tragic. Her heart was broken. All she wanted to do was to get away so she went up to Indiana to be close to Bonnie.

 

After a couple of years, she met Jared, her 1st husband. They weren't married, but had a baby girl, Madalynn, who is 12 now. She had a hard time when Maddy was a baby--Jared was gone a lot, working, and she was trying to work and go back to school. I quit my job, put everything in storage, and moved up there with her to help out. Things were good. Bonnie was in Indy and visited often. Michelle always sent her back home with 3 or 4 bags of groceries! After about a year and a half, I moved back to San Antonio.

 

We stayed very close the next few years. I went up there to visit and she came down here. But, and I just found out about this a week ago, my sister went up to visit and encouraged her to do drugs again. Michael just told me about this. It was her biggest downfall ever. I didn't know a thing about it until Jared called me and told me to check Fort Wayne news on the internet. There she was. A mug shot. My baby girl.

 

 

I didn't realize this was going to be so long! Words are just pouring out onto paper right now. I'll continue later this evening. I didn't mean to give so much to read.

 

Until then,

 

PEACE and LOVE!!

 

 

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karenthiemermann

Hello all! Hope you're all having a good day. It is a beautiful day here--a little hot, but the sun is out and I feel the presence of my girl all around me in such a good way. It's hard to describe.

 

To continue with Michelle's story: After her best friend was killed, she was in and out of trouble: truancy, drugs, staying out all night. I remember getting a phone call--twice, from police, to come pick her up. It was really tough. I was working 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet and just wasn't home as much as I should have been. That's a big part of the guilt I carry now. She dropped out of school and got a job, which she was very good at. Everyone loved her. She was smart, gorgeous, super friendly; trying to grow up so fast.

 

The boys moved out and my sister, my younger sister who passed 3 years ago, moved in with us. I started seeing someone then and got very involved with him. I wasn't home much at all. My sister looked after the girls a lot. She was not the best influence for them. I just didn't know it at the time.

 

Bonnie graduated from 8th grade and went to live with her dad in Indiana after he retired from the Navy. She decided to stay and attend high school there which broke my heart, but she was well taken care of. Michelle had a steady boyfriend at the time--Cory. She was crazy about him and he treated her so badly. I tried and tried to tell her how I felt, but she wasn't hearing it. She was in love. Well, he ended up breaking up with her. It was tragic. Her heart was broken. All she wanted to do was to get away so she went up to Indiana to be close to Bonnie.

 

After a couple of years, she met Jared, her 1st husband. They weren't married, but had a baby girl, Madalynn, who is 12 now. She had a hard time when Maddy was a baby--Jared was gone a lot, working, and she was trying to work and go back to school. I quit my job, put everything in storage, and moved up there with her to help out. Things were good. Bonnie was in Indy and visited often. Michelle always sent her back home with 3 or 4 bags of groceries! After about a year and a half, I moved back to San Antonio.

 

We stayed very close the next few years. I went up there to visit and she came down here. But, and I just found out about this a week ago, my sister went up to visit and encouraged her to do drugs again. Michael just told me about this. It was her biggest downfall ever. I didn't know a thing about it until Jared called me and told me to check Fort Wayne news on the internet. There she was. A mug shot. My baby girl.

 

 

I didn't realize this was going to be so long! Words are just pouring out onto paper right now. I'll continue later this evening. I didn't mean to give so much to read.

 

Until then,

 

PEACE and LOVE!!

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....you are a No. 1 Mama to help with a move....and so happy you are getting an armful...lap full...heart full of that Babydoll....

 

Karen....thank you for sharing your girl's 'story'....and of course, it is yours, also....it does help I think to chronicle and journal what is ours to tell....and the one thing you can count on here is an understanding ear....and....no judgement...ever !!

 

We have a circle of some very wise...mature....parents....

but after all.....when one suffers the loss of a child...what can be worse ?

We have already suffered the unimaginable .....

I think I could hear anything now....

for now I have a layer of empathy that I never had...

I was not a mean or hateful or insensitive person before...

it is as if I have a 'third eye' now....

it is hard to explain....but I know I have changed.

I think I am deeper..in soul, spirit and persona...

 

Kalik....we hear you....and yes...that is the Mama Bear in you....the Warrior Mom....

I think it is a good thing....to want to see this 'person' behind bars...so another parent won't have that phone call...

 

Shannon....it must be a common knee jerk reaction....the feeling of wanting to 'go away'...get out of Dodge....the need to have flight....I don't think it is to have 'freedom'.....rather....to find 'release'.....to find a place where we can lick our wounds ...a place that has no daily to do lists....

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LANE.......LANE.......SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU. Send your MOM a

BIG SUMBEAM SMILE TO WARM HER heart &  soul today.

 

 

 

WANDA----

THINKING OF YOU AND SENDING PRAYERS on your dear son, Lane's, Angel Day.

 

 

DEE-----The canaries stay around all winter, and my husband feeds them

thistle seed, which seems to be what they love.  Their coloring is not the

bright yellow as in the summer....they change to a dull olive-brownish in

the cold months. We have noticed more butterflies around this summer,

and also noticed that we have not seen any robins for awhile, and the

wrens are gone now.   I guess they have all flown south.

 

KAREN-----Thinking of you and wishing you peace. I'm glad that you are feeling

the closeness of your sweet Michelle.

 

 

PEACE    AND    SERENITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

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A POEM I FOUND ONCE.

 

As one gets older, losses in life become more common.

Loss of parents becomes almost inevitable.

Loss of a spouse, if one was married,...loss of friends and

neighbors.....even pets.

But, if you don't have to count the death of a child,

then you will escape the sorrow that will last you a lifetime.

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Perfectly stated Sherry, I love the poem. Thanks. We have finches but no canaries. How exciting to see canaries. The sunflowers I just don't get, our neighbors have 9ft. tall sunflowers and not at all affected by the critters getting ours. Odd. Selective. Plus none of ours were going to get as big as usual but our neighbors did.

 

Karen, I knew about that poem's history because of its use at our school and at several funerals I have attended. It is beautiful. I wonder if it wasn't written first by a Hopi Woman however and just changed some perhaps or just like minded women who wrote very similar kinds of thoughts. Who knows but yes, a beautifully stated way to look at loss. Thanks for sharing about your Girl's life, tell us more when you feel ready. She went through much, Erica similarly did as well.

 

Susan, glad that you shared about your day with friends and family at the beach, and I am so glad that you are well again. SOunds like some crazy flu hit you, or some need to purge the stress that had filtered through you.

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Wanda- May Lane's light and love be with you today and everyday. Wrapping his warm around you like a big hug. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers

Jody

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karenthiemermann

Sherry: Thank you for the poem--it is true--nothing compares to losing your child. I'm feeling very close to Michelle today; happy memories; like the sun broke through for the first time since she left.

 

Susan: It's soothing to be able to speak freely. I think that's why I keep so much inside--afraid of what people may think. I don't feel that way here, though, and it helps so much to be able to let things out. In order to tell Michelle's story, I must give part of mine, and a lot of it just isn't pretty. I thank everyone here for their compassion and empathy.

 

I don't know what went wrong or when. She was doing so well; excelling at work as a Medicare billing specialist; going to school to become a nurse; raising a precious little girl. She and Jared did marry--on the beach--it was beautiful. She seemed so happy. We had a tough go of it in the early years. I was fighting my own demons. Abandonment and abuse as a small child; my brothers and sisters, too. I lost my brother to suicide; my little sister to drug overdose; and I battled severe depression after a very troubled teenage life, trying to drown all my demons with drugs and alcohol. We were so poor; I remember having nothing but potatoes and milk that we walked to the store to get; me pulling the kids in a little red wagon. But things did get better. I pushed my demons aside instead of dealing with them, though. That would haunt me in later years.

 

Something happened to her. I just don't know what. She became addicted to crystal meth; intravenous use. Her arrest was for manufacturing and distribution, along with paraphernalia and possession. I was so devastated; all I could do was blame myself. 

 

Jared filed for divorce immediately. She got out of jail and went into a halfway house. I was in touch with her by phone; it just didn't seem like her at all. I read books on meth addiction, trying to get some insight. Bonnie was a mess over it, too. Her big sister in big trouble. I went to visit Michelle. She was staying with Charles, so and Bonnie and I drove to her dad's place. Bonnie stood outside crying and throwing up; unable to go in and see her sister like that. Michelle was a different person. She was skin and bones and wild-eyed. When we got back to Bonnie's house, I fell on the floor and cried.

 

Michelle went to court and got 5 years probation with the first year under house arrest. Mandatory drug counseling. She met Chris while she was in rehab and they hit it off with each other. He was recovering from the same thing. They got married and as time went by, she was doing better and better; really working hard to get her life back. She got partial custody of Maddy and they rented a 2 bedroom apartment so she could have her own room. Michelle was working; we were close again. I was so happy to "have her back". 

 

One day, Michael called me and told me she had left Chris. I was in shock. I called Charles and he said she was using again. My heart sunk so deep into my chest. She wasn't communicating with anyone except Michael. In fact, the last time I heard from her was during a group chat on FB with Bonnie and Chuck. She cursed all of us and said she never wanted to talk to any of us again. She told me her problem was my fault for divorcing Charles and ending the only really happy time she could remember. And that was it. She "blocked" us from FB; wouldn't answer her phone; nobody seemed to know anything about her. I was frantic. Months went by and nothing. 

 

Then, on July 9, 2014, around 6pm, Charles called me and told me she was gone. Piercing, agonizing pain followed. I think it was the very next day that I found this place. I was up all night; desperate. There were moments when I didn't think it was true. I wanted to talk to someone so I got on the internet and started googling and found you all.

 

Well that's Michelle's story. As you can see, it's so unfinished. There was such a huge gap from the time I talked with her to the time she passed. And the last thing she said to me, was everything was my fault. I love that child! 

 

Thank you all for reading. I hope you feel as if you know us better now. She was a wonderful person; a joy to be around. 

 

I'm exhausted now. But I think I'll sleep tonight. My girl is all around me--forever.

 

Much PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen

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karenthiemermann

Sherry: Thank you for the poem--it is true--nothing compares to losing your child. I'm feeling very close to Michelle today; happy memories; like the sun broke through for the first time since she left.

 

Susan: It's soothing to be able to speak freely. I think that's why I keep so much inside--afraid of what people may think. I don't feel that way here, though, and it helps so much to be able to let things out. In order to tell Michelle's story, I must give part of mine, and a lot of it just isn't pretty. I thank everyone here for their compassion and empathy.

 

I don't know what went wrong or when. She was doing so well; excelling at work as a Medicare billing specialist; going to school to become a nurse; raising a precious little girl. She and Jared did marry--on the beach--it was beautiful. She seemed so happy. We had a tough go of it in the early years. I was fighting my own demons. Abandonment and abuse as a small child; my brothers and sisters, too. I lost my brother to suicide; my little sister to drug overdose; and I battled severe depression after a very troubled teenage life, trying to drown all my demons with drugs and alcohol. We were so poor; I remember having nothing but potatoes and milk that we walked to the store to get; me pulling the kids in a little red wagon. But things did get better. I pushed my demons aside instead of dealing with them, though. That would haunt me in later years.

 

Something happened to her. I just don't know what. She became addicted to crystal meth; intravenous use. Her arrest was for manufacturing and distribution, along with paraphernalia and possession. I was so devastated; all I could do was blame myself. 

 

Jared filed for divorce immediately. She got out of jail and went into a halfway house. I was in touch with her by phone; it just didn't seem like her at all. I read books on meth addiction, trying to get some insight. Bonnie was a mess over it, too. Her big sister in big trouble. I went to visit Michelle. She was staying with Charles, so and Bonnie and I drove to her dad's place. Bonnie stood outside crying and throwing up; unable to go in and see her sister like that. Michelle was a different person. She was skin and bones and wild-eyed. When we got back to Bonnie's house, I fell on the floor and cried.

 

Michelle went to court and got 5 years probation with the first year under house arrest. Mandatory drug counseling. She met Chris while she was in rehab and they hit it off with each other. He was recovering from the same thing. They got married and as time went by, she was doing better and better; really working hard to get her life back. She got partial custody of Maddy and they rented a 2 bedroom apartment so she could have her own room. Michelle was working; we were close again. I was so happy to "have her back". 

 

One day, Michael called me and told me she had left Chris. I was in shock. I called Charles and he said she was using again. My heart sunk so deep into my chest. She wasn't communicating with anyone except Michael. In fact, the last time I heard from her was during a group chat on FB with Bonnie and Chuck. She cursed all of us and said she never wanted to talk to any of us again. She told me her problem was my fault for divorcing Charles and ending the only really happy time she could remember. And that was it. She "blocked" us from FB; wouldn't answer her phone; nobody seemed to know anything about her. I was frantic. Months went by and nothing. 

 

Then, on July 9, 2014, around 6pm, Charles called me and told me she was gone. Piercing, agonizing pain followed. I think it was the very next day that I found this place. I was up all night; desperate. There were moments when I didn't think it was true. I wanted to talk to someone so I got on the internet and started googling and found you all.

 

Well that's Michelle's story. As you can see, it's so unfinished. There was such a huge gap from the time I talked with her to the time she passed. And the last thing she said to me, was everything was my fault. I love that child! 

 

Thank you all for reading. I hope you feel as if you know us better now. She was a wonderful person; a joy to be around. 

 

I'm exhausted now. But I think I'll sleep tonight. My girl is all around me--forever.

 

Much PEACE and LOVE,

 

Karen

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Susan, sounds as if the stress of the occasion hit with full impact. Perfectly understandable. It is going to take time to adjust to the new you.

 

Wanda...thinking of you tonight.

 

Shannon, I love fireflies. Always have. Often I will waken in the wee hours of the night and watch as they fly around outside our bedroom window. I too find swimming a form of such relaxation. It sounds as if you had a great time in those days.

 

Karen, I agree with Shannon...that talking about our child is a good form of comfort. It gives us a sense of still feeling connected. Hold Michelle very close and know that she is always with you.

 

Sherry, do you see any orioles this year? I agree about the birds. The robins were plentiful in spring, but have somehow disappeared for the most part. I will say that we have a wren house that has three wrens living in it! We laughed today saying that even the birds have a child that refuses to leave. Never have I seen three wrens living in one house at the same time after the babies have left. I saw a beautiful oriole this afternoon. I am hoping that they are living close and will be frequent visitor's.

 

It was a truly magnificent day. The weather was truly perfect. Temps were so lovely and the breezes were from heaven. We decided to go the local Animal Shelter to leave some things again. Well, I have to say that there was the most lovely golden lab...need I say more? I fell in love. Still we did not adopt her. I will volunteer weekly to walk her... but feel I am too old to take on this responsibility.

 

Sending love to all for a peaceful evening. Off to watch Rosemary & Thyme. Kate :) 

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Susan, sounds as if the stress of the occasion hit with full impact. Perfectly understandable. It is going to take time to adjust to the new you.

 

Wanda...thinking of you tonight.

 

Shannon, I love fireflies. Always have. Often I will waken in the wee hours of the night and watch as they fly around outside our bedroom window. I too find swimming a form of such relaxation. It sounds as if you had a great time in those days.

 

Karen, I agree with Shannon...that talking about our child is a good form of comfort. It gives us a sense of still feeling connected. Hold Michelle very close and know that she is always with you.

 

Sherry, do you see any orioles this year? I agree about the birds. The robins were plentiful in spring, but have somehow disappeared for the most part. I will say that we have a wren house that has three wrens living in it! We laughed today saying that even the birds have a child that refuses to leave. Never have I seen three wrens living in one house at the same time after the babies have left. I saw a beautiful oriole this afternoon. I am hoping that they are living close and will be frequent visitor's.

 

It was a truly magnificent day. The weather was truly perfect. Temps were so lovely and the breezes were from heaven. We decided to go the local Animal Shelter to leave some things again. Well, I have to say that there was the most lovely golden lab...need I say more? I fell in love. Still we did not adopt her. I will volunteer weekly to walk her... but feel I am too old to take on this responsibility.

 

Sending love to all for a peaceful evening. Off to watch Rosemary & Thyme. Kate :) 

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Wanda- May Lane's light and love be with you today and everyday. Wrapping his arms around you like a big hug. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers

Jody

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Wanda- May Lane's light and love be with you today and everyday. Wrapping his arms around you like a big hug. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers

Jody

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Sarai's Mom: Jody

Karen,

Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for your loss. I know your daughter is with you and will always love you. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

Shannon,

It sounds like our girls had some things in common. Maybe they are friends in heaven looking down at us. I appreciate the words of comfort and as horrible as everything is right now, it brings some comfort to know that I am not alone. I feel very alone in my daily life because nobody around me understands the pain we all suffer from losing our children. I'm glad I found you all.

 

Jody

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lovU2themoon

Thank you all so much for the love for Lane, LIndsay and me.

It really has been a surreal year.

i just stayed in today, i tried very hard to not let my thoughts go to last year.

nothing can ever be worse than that call and then the RCMP at your door, hearing those words, and those

days after. 

Tomorrow/ today they are just more days without my Lane.

 

Thank you for holding me up when i could not stand, for standing with me when i felt stronger. 

and for taking my hand and guiding me through this worst year ever. 

 

Sending love and hugs and peace to you all.

 

Love Wanda, Lanes mom forever

 

post-352017-0-69930100-1407646465_thumb. Road Cross and LIGHT UP THE NIGHT FOR LANE solar lights

post-352017-0-36357700-1407646522_thumb.

post-352017-0-46092900-1407646547_thumb.

post-352017-0-00785100-1407646564_thumb.

 

 

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hello Indigoes, because I have difficulties reading of our beautiful children here and replying individually in the format I'm working with I wanted you all to know that I am reading and thinking of you all and wish I had a better way of replying to everyone.

Friday evening I set out on a road trip .I drove to the town that was the last earthly home of my mother .I felt a need to connect to the earth and going to this part of the country seems to work for me. on my way back home, and it was a long drive but I did not feel tired, I recalled when Richie call me on this phone one evening and asked me how he could get to Grammys. he tlio decided to take a road trip one evening. I had to tell them that he was really far south. I gave him directions and he drove to see his grandmother and aunt and uncle .while visiting my mother's town I stopped in to see my elderly aunt and uncle I suppose they thought it was rather strange that I would stop inwith a rotisserie chicken and Greek pasta salad in hand after all these years but I felt I should stop in . They are both well. and

as I was driving by my mothers

last home.

a camper went by in the other direction. my mother loved the beach at Wildwood New Jersey and written across the front of the camper was the word "Wildwood ".so yes I do believe in signs .while visiting a park I went to view a statue,

/ fountain.

I'm sure a lot of you will recognize the poem it brings to mind our children, my children Sarah and Rich and how I feel that now our children that are missing are in their own sense of the poem upon the shores. in their spiritual being. I feel refreshed. sometimes when. I feel bad

and perhaps are not aware of it our selves due to the daily grind, for me it's looking out and seeing that it's a great big world and possibilities are endless and our children are always with us.

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hello Indigoes, because I have difficulties reading of our beautiful children here and replying individually in the format I'm working with I wanted you all to know that I am reading and thinking of you all and wish I had a better way of replying to everyone.

Friday evening I set out on a road trip .I drove to the town that was the last earthly home of my mother .I felt a need to connect to the earth and going to this part of the country seems to work for me. on my way back home, and it was a long drive but I did not feel tired, I recalled when Richie call me on this phone one evening and asked me how he could get to Grammys. he tlio decided to take a road trip one evening. I had to tell them that he was really far south. I gave him directions and he drove to see his grandmother and aunt and uncle .while visiting my mother's town I stopped in to see my elderly aunt and uncle I suppose they thought it was rather strange that I would stop inwith a rotisserie chicken and Greek pasta salad in hand after all these years but I felt I should stop in . They are both well. and

as I was driving by my mothers

last home.

a camper went by in the other direction. my mother loved the beach at Wildwood New Jersey and written across the front of the camper was the word "Wildwood ".so yes I do believe in signs .while visiting a park I went to view a statue,

/ fountain.

I'm sure a lot of you will recognize the poem it brings to mind our children, my children Sarah and Rich and how I feel that now our children that are missing are in their own sense of the poem upon the shores. in their spiritual being. I feel refreshed. sometimes when. I feel bad

and perhaps are not aware of it our selves due to the daily grind, for me it's looking out and seeing that it's a great big world and possibilities are endless and our children are always with us.

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Mermaid Tears

Lora.....I do believe when we are put on this grief journey....and we find ourselves in this abnormal...foreign land....we do want to leave......we want to walk away....far away from this heavy burden of grief...and then....we look around and find there is no place to go to get away from it....we can't jump over it...side step it...walk around it....we must go through it....

and as we are going through it...we discover we are groping our way to our 'new normal'....

   as Dee has said...'we change to make room for the loss'...

that is the simple truth...

I have pondered how I have changed...and am changing....I am not evolved, yet...

 

The young man ...age 25 who died in the car wreck....was the oldest...the only son....they have 3 younger daughters...I know the Mom...she works at a small monogramming store....when I go there...she always asks about my GRANDchildren...I will write her a long letter to put in a card for her.....we know the parent's will have many dark days ahead of them....

 

Karen....many on this site will tell you that if you want to invite the devil to dinner....all you have to do is wallow in shame and guilt.....

"There is nothing as dead as the day before yesterday"....

    This grief journey is so dark and heavy....and if you allow shame and guilt to be added to that burden....it will physically wear you down....

    We feel honored that you can share your and your girl's story with us...and we are here to give you a hug through the screen...

    All of us...parents....carry some kind of 'shame and guilt' ...that we could not protect our child...or save our child...or make them well and healthy...that is so irrational...but grief does that to a parent....losing a child can knock the best of the best down to the ground...and our thinking becomes so distorted at the beginning of the grief journey...you are not going crazy....you are in mourning....

     When that child is placed in our arms..I think we get this super powerful surge of love...that pulsates through our body...and we mistake that for some super human control power...but that isn't true.....we don't have that kind of control....we simply have a super human love for that child.

      Many of the drugs that are on the street now are so powerful...they can change the chemistry of the brain...with one use...so when Michelle said those hurtful things...that now play over and over in your mind and heart....you will have to forgive her....for she was not in her 'right' mind...drugs took that beautiful girl down that one way street...

    One of my son's is an Emergency Room Trauma Surgeon....and he has been waving a red flag for years now because of the powerful drugs given to our returning soldiers....you have to wonder about the suicides in these young men and women....he says they are not in their right minds...when they commit suicide...the drugs are so mind altering.

      Some of the parents on this site are like you....they had abusive and challenging childhoods....and now they are faced with coming to terms of dealing with the loss of a child....and I can only imagine how hard it is to find footing when one hasn't had a firm foundation....but that is why we come together here....to sustain and support each other.

     You are doing the right thing by writing it all down...it seems that if we can put down on paper what is going through our minds....it is like emptying..pouring it out....purging....

     You say you have lost a lot of weight....we will all remind you to 'self care'....you already have other health issues...and they will only become compounded with the weight of grief....this is the time to become your 'best friend'...and be good and kind to yourself.

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sorry

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sorry

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

To add to Susan's thoughts, I just saw a outside billboard warning about drugs, it said,

 

"You don't take heroin, heroin takes you". Thought it was so true..and you can substitute just about any potent street drug name in...

 

Betsy, don't worry about the double posts. It seems like the site has been a little slow.. if you hit the POST button, wait for awhile and the post seems come through without the double.

 

It is good to see your post. I too have made that pilgrimage back to my grandmother's house, (she is now passed). So many favorite childhood memories, the simplicity of it all. I remember simply sleeping on my grandmother's front porch floor in a sleeping bag with cousins (now this was a big event for a little kid)...smelling the newly bloomed tulips that perfumed the air as they were planted directly beside the porch. Walking down the block to the small neighborhood grocery and having her purchase candy out of the gumball machines there...

 

I am sure your elderly aunt and uncle were pleased by your visit.

 

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Saria's mom, I am sorry for the loss of your girl...please share her story as you are able and be gentle with yourself.

 

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I am a little behind, my sister went to surgery last week for kidney stones and I was down by my parent's house again for another stay. Surgery went okay and she should be on the mend and maybe my mom can calm down a bit. (for those who don't know, we  had quite a few other passings late this spring, just worn out)..

 

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Dee, it sounds like you had a wonderful time with little Erica, is your son moved yet?

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