Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

MsMom....thank you so much for your post....such a reaching out with information...and info that can soothe some hurt souls out there....

 

Many on this site has Mom/Dad/Family issues....one can only know that after the loss of a child...they do magnify...and you ..the grieving parent thinks that 'for sure...this will wake my parent up and they will give me support and solace'...

 

If they didn't in the 'good times'.....please know....they will not in the 'bad times'....

 

My Grama..Essie told me the 10 Commandments did not say to 'Love your parents'....

it only says to 'Honor your parents'.....

she told me it was because God/Mother/Father of the Universe knew there would be parents that did not deserve loving...

you just have to acknowledge....they are your parents...

 

There are people in your life that can set an example of how to be a good upright person....and then...there are people in your life that can set an example of 'How Not To Be'....and that is as good a life lesson than a 1,000 hours of therapy or books can bring you....they are teachers, too....they teach us the signs of toxic..hateful...mean people...

and you can learn to cross the street....to keep from meeting them....and you can learn to keep them out of your circle...

and then.....go and define and live a good life.

   I know it does 'hurt' when our family and friends betray us with either their actions or words....or simply by 'not doing a damn thing'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I put your package in the mail yesterday....

 

and we are all 'looking forward' to you and Lora meeting up...glad your ankle is getting better...

 

Thanks for your suggestion about doing something for the family of the young boy who died from leukemia...one of Randa's friends told me there were 3 church groups organizing a fundraiser....

  many here in Brenham that have a Silent Auction with the fundraisers will ask me to donate something I create....so...Pibby and I will create something.....that way she will feel that she is doing something good and will be a part of it...

  it is important that we don't forget the feelings and care our young ones can have....they have such 'sweet' hearts...

[Kalikama]

Msmom--thank you for your words.  I went through something similar with my sisters and "best friend", 3 years ago after my dad died.  I decided I did not need that kind of negativity in my life and since they weren't helping with my mom and brother, I just did not communicate much with them.  Texts with my younger sister.  Nothing from the older--apparently I said something when I was at the end of my rope and she brought in a shipping pod to take stuff from my mom's house--that was unforgivable.  I did not even want her at my son's life celebration as I have grieved her for 3 years and she would not be able to offer me any comfort unless it was some way of "making up".    Like Dee said, "blood is NOT thicker than water".  

 

In the 3 years since, I have developed and nurtured my relationships with friends, instead of my family.  It certainly "paid off" when Ethan died.  I had one of my "BFF's" fly in from MN, all of the others drove in from around the state.  Others came weeks afterward--from Texas, NC, SC and FL. In November, our friends from Germany are coming--even though their original plan was to come next summer. So my support system is amazing--just have no family support,except for an aunt and cousins who live in Europe.  These are the times I miss my dad the most because he was really always the "comforter" in the family.  Once he died, it all fell apart.

 

Karen--I expect that we will be able to commiserate about our moms!  I do understand that it is my mom's issue and I need to leave it with her.  I feel bad for you though that she is barely acknowledging your loss and pain.  Was she close to Michelle?  Maybe she just can't get past her loss.   I know my mom is stressed and in pain watching her son deteriorate, as we all are, but I also know it isn't the same for us as it is for her.  I am trying to find a nursing home to take him, but there are so many hoops to jump through--even though he has some money.  

 

I'm off to visit one of those friends who was with me when I needed her.  She has to move her mom with dementia, soon, so it will be a good distraction to help her figure things out.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I have been reading through some of the  posts...I am going to put out just a few thoughts as many things happening right now...

 

First, Mary Ann I am thinking of you today as it is Steve's birthday. Just too many young men passing away before their time...tomorrow being Wanda's boy, Lane...

 

Kate, thank you for sharing the story of the TV...these confirmations of our loved ones sending their love into our lives are little treasures we hold close to our hearts...Jeff sent his love to you and Ross yesterday...

 

To those who mentioned their moms and their own losses...I too have a mom who lost two of her children...my sister was ran over by multiple cars and no one was never prosecuted even when they were found later...

 

From my view, it does not serve any purpose to get into comparison mode with trying to say this loss is greater or less than someone's loss...this takes away what little strength the other person has...I have found that sometimes just because someone else has had loss, even similar to yours, it does not always work to connect to them. I remember with my first loss, my infant son. My pastor's wife had also had an older son loss about two years prior...I was still pretty raw about my son's death when I told her I just wanted to die. My lower arms literally hurt for over a year. She almost told me to "shut up and get on with it"...that was one of the reasons I never totally processed Taylor's death...

 

No one has the right to take away your personal grief journey...you will have your own set of unique challenges, your own timeline, as your relationship with that child is yours alone...I have found it works best to share with people with loss that are in a similar place in their heart and spirit...and this place has been "that place" for me...

 

My mom and I often just light candles together and say silent prayers for those who have passed...

 

************

Dee, wishing you and Lora a beautiful visit...please post pics if you can...

 

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I would write more but too much sad going on right now...my younger sister is in the hospital now, with an unknown respiratory disorder and kidney stones...I am trying to help my mom along who has suffered from two sibling deaths in May and June so this is very stressful to her...and lastly, my youngest son has found himself in a situation and needs to make wiser choices in his life, that is all on that.

 

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I do continue to read on, know that you all are in my prayers and thoughts.

[karenthiemermann]

Kalikama-- My mother was never very close to my twins. They are half middle eastern--their biological father is from Saudi Arabia. I met him when I was very young and he was in the language institute at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. Funny, I was on birth control pills and got pregnant with twins. A true blessing. No twins anywhere on either side. I think she has always held some predjudice in her heart regarding them. It has always broken my heart and when they were old enough to understand, it hurt them, too. I thank God they both re-connected with their father this past year over the internet and phone, but then as quickly as he was there--he was gone again.

 

It has always been hard for me to understand as I have taught my children to love and accept everyone--regarding faith, ethnicity, or any other factors that make us all unique. My sisters had no problem with it and loved Michelle for the precious flower she was. Somethings I guess I'll just never understand, but must learn to accept. Many things.

 

 

I'm glad I found someone with a common issue to talk to. Thank you for being a friend.

 

Karen

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I am still trying to keep up with the posts. I forgot how much work it is when you come home from being away for a while. My Sis and her kids were here so the house was being used while we were away. While they didn’t leave it a mess for us or anything, my sister has so much going on right now that she didn’t keep up with things as she normally would so for the past few days I have been getting my gardens and house back to normal and spending a lot of time in the kitchen making everything possible with zucchini.

Kate, I’m sorry I missed Jeff’s Birthday yesterday. I’m glad you got good news about your health. You give so much of yourself. I know your words have helped everyone here. I’m glad you got that sign from Jeff too. He just keeps letting you know he’s close. I’m sorry to hear about what happened at his site.

I’ve been reading the posts on the effect of grief on the family dynamic. I am lucky in that my Gramma, who is for all intents and purposes, my Mother, has been so open with me. I know it’s rare for her generation. She has talked to me about how different things are now. When she had a stillborn child, grieving simply wasn’t an option. It was just one of those things that happen and you move on. When her sisters each lost a teenage daughter in the same car accident, again, no talking. Just don’t mention their name and move on. She is one of those people though that rolls with the changes and she has been my biggest supporter through it all. I have other family members though, who have not been able to be there. They either don’t know how or just don’t want to because they don’t get it. I just know that I have to do this in my own way and in my own time and those who cannot handle that just have no place in my life right now.

My husband tries. He was only in Trista’s life for the last five years so I know our grieving will be different. He’s very apt to remind me, when I say ‘I lost my daughter’ that he feels he also lost his. I don’t argue that. It’s not a competition. I do see the ways it’s so very different though and sometimes it’s really hurtful but I just hold that in. The other night, we finally watched ‘Heaven is For Real’. My sis, husband, and I watched together. It was hard, maybe too soon. During the hospital scene while the parents were waiting, praying, yelling, not sure if the child would die, I was moved to tears and was back in that little room, not allowed to be with my girl, begging the nurses to keep trying, not to give up, and waiting and waiting for some news. As we watched this scene, my husband says, “That would be so hard to sit and wait, not knowing”. I was kind of shocked. I know how hard it is because I did it. Did he not think of that the same because Trista was not his biological daughter? Was he not in that room with me? I don’t know what he meant or why he said it. Maybe I read too much into the statement. I didn’t say anything but it was just another way that I could see how very different this all is for me.

I’m thinking of everyone today and will try to catch up with the posts.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I don't have much time right now, but wanted to say, I'm sending prayers your way... for you, your Sister, and your family.

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom....we only have words to share on this site....but I hope you feel us in your 'circle'....and we all hope that you can find a 'soft place to land' with all those memories....a Mom's memory of the day that angel fell off a cloud in heaven and placed in her arms and heart is etched in stone....

    and those sweet memories can sustain and support us as we walk..trudge..limp...slither...forward....

 

" I USE TO HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS...NOW I HOLD YOU IN MY HEART"

 

 

Please....let us hear how you are doing....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie......we all will be thinking of you and yours....and with wishes and prayers for your sister's recovery and healing....

 

about your son...

Do you think this is like a 'knee jerk' reaction/behavior for Jesse's passing ? I am sure it has 95% to do with it...

 

am not saying one should not be responsible for action/choices...

 

but grief can so blindside the most wisdom filled person...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I wasn't able to finish my post earlier. My Aiden woke up from his nap and was demanding some Mommy time.

What I was trying to say with the story about my husband ... In the very beginning those things got to me. They still do but I'm learning to separate myself from them. I would try before to explain to him how it's different. I would try understand why he could be so unaffected by something that could reduce to me to a trembling mass of tears. I thought it could be because he knew Trista less time, because he wasn't as able to express emotions, because he didn't love her the way I did. I hurt myself many times trying to understand why he was grieving so differently and at times didn't seem to be grieving at all. At least not the way I expected him to. That was the problem. My own expectations of how he should behave. The difference could lie in any of the possible reasons that ran through my head or it could have been all or none of them. It could simply be that we are very different people who will grieve very differently. So, I've learned to try not to put any expectations on anyone else but to also set boundaries and never let anyone tell me what I should or should not be doing. As a parent who has suffered the unimaginable loss of my Daughter, I will grieve in my own way and in my own time. Even with other parents who have lost children I try to remember not to say "I know how you feel" because I don't. I know the pain of the loss of a child but we all handle grief differently. Some have hardships on top of hardships while grieving, some have multiple losses, and so many other things including our individual personalities that affect how we grieve. What I can do is listen and learn and reach out my hand to others on this journey. While so many things are different for each of us there are also many many feelings that are the same. I can nod my head along to the things that I identify with or just hold space for someone with love and compassion for the things that may be different from my experience. As a grieving parent, as long as we aren't hurting ourselves or others, anything goes. I always go back to Susan's post saying we can sit in our panties all day and cry if that's what we need.

[Jeff's Mom]

Mary Ann, thinking of you today as you hold Steve close to your heart on his special birthday.

 

Laurie, sending prayers and wishes for a speedy recovery for your sister. Also, thoughts sent out that all will soon resolve itself in a positive way with the family

 

Shannon, I was not as upset as I once would have been when I saw the garden. As mentioned in an earlier post it was not the end of the world. We just came back from walking along the beach. The breeze was heavenly coming off of the lake. We climbed the cliff to look at the path and found that things were not as bad as once thought. I plan to reorganize and design the whole thing next year.  Something to look forward to over a long winter. As for the TV? Who knows. Strange...you have to turn on the satellite and then the TV. I will admit it has us scratching our heads.

 

Wanda, I know that tomorrow is also a special day for you as you remember your sweet young man.

 

Sending love to all, Kate

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Wise....wise words and wisdom learned Shannon....

Wisdom is learned in the hardest classroom on earth....

[Steve s mom]

Happy birthday my Steve.

I was trying to upload a song but cannot seem to do it.

Free bird by llynrd skynrd that was Steve's anthem I guess you could say.it was also played at his funeral.

Thank you for everyone's kind wishes today.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

For Mary Ann and Steve

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Mary Ann,

I just wanted you to know that you and Steve have been in my thoughts today. I've been trying to finish this for you and get it posted but it's been one of those days full of distractions. I hope you felt Steve's sweet Spirit all around you today and it was a day full of precious memories.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY .........BIRTHDAY.......JEFF.....ANOTHER ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

 

Kate-----Sorry I missed Jeff's birthday......thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

 

Carol---Good to see your post.  Sending prayers for Davis, in his rehab. Ralph

must also be looking down,....along with Mike.....as Davis struggles to overcome

his addiction.  Bless him.

 

 

Kati----

I agree with you....everyone grieves in their own way.  Although we, here

at BI, are joined by the terrible losses we have suffered,.....we still must cope

with the grief in our own particular way.  There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way, and

no certain timeline that one needs to meet.  Each must walk this road the best

way that they can. Other people cannot, and should not tell us how to grieve.

Your love for your grandfather shows how we never forget

the people we love....no matter how long ago they have passed away.  Sending

prayers for your dear Gramma.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Susan----You are right...we must avoid people who are toxic to us....be they

neighbors, friends, or family members who cannot understand the grief that

we endure after losing children.  My motto is  "just steer clear".  This is how

I deal with it.

 

Laurie----So nice that you & your mom light candles for those who have passed...thanks.

 

 

Shannon......

Thanks for the Lynyrd Skynyrd  video of Freebird. 

 

PEACE     AND   COMFORT, AND  A  GOOD   NIGHT'S  REST  TONIGHT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[daveydow1]

Our back fields & garden area.

[Steve s mom]

Thank you Shannon' your posts for Steve were beautiful

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, thank you! What an uplifting and cheery picture of your sunflowers. I love the way they lift their faces to the sun and stand at attention. There is so much beauty in nature. My love to all this evening. Kate  

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

I loved the picture of the garden area. My sunflowers haven't bloomed yet but I have a few that are ten feet tall.

Carol,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I believe too. I have a lot of addiction and alcoholism in my family. While I've had to set some boundaries with some, I never give up hope. I am so glad that Davis is in a place that can help him heal and make the changes he wants to make in his life.

[ericasmom]

I have not read yet today and I am so sorry to not have come here earlier to report about mine and Lora's meeting, along with her Son Jared, we shared a wonderful afternoon downtown Chicago. When I got home at around 5:00 we had guests, (unexpected) and so I am just now coming upstairs and saying hello here. I did not bring my camera upstairs to upload today's photos but I will tomorrow. I am pooped.

It was a lovely day, I asked Lora and Jared to meet me on the steps of the ARt Institute and there they were when I arrived, we pretty much knew who each other was and we shared hugs and decisions as to where to go. We walked through the sculpture gardens and then found some good coffee and went to Millenium Park, and beyond to the Lurie Gardens. We then crossed Lake Shore Drive (LSD) and walked along Monroe Harbor and we could see the Planetarium, the Shedd Aquarium, and the Field Museum of Natural History. Such pretty structures along the lake. We turned and went to see Buckingham Fountain and from there went to find a late lunch as I left the house early today to babysit and then got home to change and go downtown and hadn't really eaten. My foot needed to rest by then anyhow and so we just sat and enjoyed each other's stories. Jared is a fine young man who is working hard in his grad school studies ( highly motivated and hard working like Mom), and Lora is as I have come to know, caring, loving, and carries Cara along with her. It was a great and wonderful feeling to be walking along with Lora and her Son. To meet in person felt like a most natural thing, and as though we already have.

 

You all sleep well, I will read until I can't so that I can catch up with you-

[ericasmom]

Steven, Steve, Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Man. I hope that all of the Angels are helping you find absolute JOY on this and each day. This sweet day is the date that saw you new, and with each year, a birthday to celebrate your growing self. No date is more lovely to your Sweet Momma.

 

Mary Ann, I hope that you felt Steve all around you today.

[ericasmom]

_{Laurie, it sounds as though your family is experiencing more worrisome times. I am sending prayers that your Sister can beat this thing, get healthy again, find ways to stay healthy. Please Lord, this family needs the Grace that enables goodness to flow.}

_{I also am sending strong prayers for your young Son.}

[mikesmomrs]

STEVE....STEVEN....STEVE...Saying your name and hoping you had a wonderful birthday celebration with all of our angels. I hope too that you were able to make your mom feel surrounded by your sweet spirit. Mary Ann...holding you on this day..

[karenthiemermann]

Hello to all--yesterday marked a week since Michelle grew her wings and became an angel. I had a very tough day and night and this morning I just felt sick; however, as the day progressed, I felt a little better. I got in the kitchen for a while and it must have been good therapy, because my appetite returned. I needed to empty the fridge of all the fresh produce we had as it was all about to go bad, and I made a large pot of vegetable soup. I actually forced myself to do it, but afterward, when my husband, Achim, and I were enjoying it, it all seemed worthwhile. I also did some laundry. It felt like great strides, but made me feel better. Michelle and I used to cook together all the time.

 

An old friend of the family sent Bonnie several photos of the kids when they were little. It was when we visited Indiana for Christmas. She posted them all on FB.

 

Michelle's BFF, Emily, has been posting many recent photos which I am very grateful for because I hadn't seen her in several years.

 

My sister messaged me today that she was having "sympathy- sympathy" pains for me; waking up every 20 or 30 minutes; bad dreams; indigestion. It just shows me how close we are and how much she cares about me.

 

I'm up right now after having slept for about an hour before tossing and turning and finally getting out of bed. I had some fruit and water--very good! Spoke to my husband a bit and now am writing this.

 

Starting to feel the sleep creep back in, which I am ever so grateful for; so, all you wonderful people out there--I wish you sweet dreams of your angels and will see you all here next time. I hope I'm inspired to tell Michelle's story .

 

 

 

PEACE, LOVE, HUGS!!

 

 

Karen

 

 

[Sailormom]

Sorry I don't post much, but I am keeping you all in my prayers and I try to read daily.  But like Shannon I have trouble keeping up with the post there are so many different things going on I have trouble trying to find the topic.  LOL..  Guess I must be getting old.    

 

It's been almost 5 months since my baby boy left us,  I sure miss his hugs and I Love you's ...      

[karenthiemermann]

Good morning to all. I had a restless night--up every hour and finally staying up at 4am. As I do each morning, I went out on the patio with my coffee and spent time in prayer and meditation. It helps me to begin my day that way.

 

As soon as I turn on the light in the livingroom, the first thing I see is Michelle's picture. I arranged it that way so I could look at her and say "good morning". 

 

It's very warm and misty outside--typical for Texas in July. I should be planning my fall garden, but haven't been able to focus on that just yet.

 

Achim will be busy this morning in the kitchen, so I will try to get a few chores done. I have some more writing to do, too so I need to catch up on that.

 

Haven't heard from my mom since Monday. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. I might call her this morning.

 

I'm debating on whether or not to go to the farmer's market tomorrow--our Saturday morning trek for fresh produce and a visit with long-time friends. It might do me some good, though--especially if the weather is nice.

 

The kids are looking forward to the weekend as they are all exhausted. Everyone is back home now.

 

It's back to the Dr.'s office for me this afternoon. I had a bad reaction from a new medication and he wants to see me again. Twice in one week. I get so tired of Dr.'s offices.

 

Looking forward to exercising this morning--need those endorphins. I didn't do anything yesterday and very little the day before. I must keep that up for my own good.

 

Achim's friend, who is a grahic designer, is helping him with the design of the card I want to print. She's so sweet to offer her time and she's very talented. Waiting on the little paper hearts with the flower seeds embedded to arrive in the mail. I'll have to work on a mailing list over the weekend.

 

Looking forward to church on Sunday. It's truly a welcome atmosphere to be in--especially right now. Very uplifting.

 

Time marches on, and so must I, only as a changed person in some way. Reading this book by Jerry Sittser is showing me some things I didn't think possible, but I'm about 1/3 through the book and I'm enlightened already. I'm glad I got it.

 

Here's hoping all of you have a good day. I'll share more about Michelle when I can. I want to.

 

Missing my baby girl.

 

Peace and Love,

Karen      

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sailormom, It's good to see your post. How are you? As far as posting, anything goes. There is no real topic. Some days the board is more like a chat room with many posts. We just come when we can, when we need and post whatever we need. If someone posts something that I really identify with I will post on that topic, offer support, share my experience. It's ok not to respond to everyone. Sometimes there just isn't enough time or energy and we all get that. Just tell us about your Son, how you're doing, anything that helps you to share. We share stories, songs, poems, or just read when we can't find the words. I know how strong the missing is and how we count the hours, days and months. Thinking of you today.

[Jeff's Mom]

LANE...Happy Birthday! Wanda, hope your day is filled with warm and loving memories of your precious son.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

I want you to know that you and Lane will be in my thoughts today. I hope you feel his sweet and loving Spirit all around you and the day is filled with precious memories. I have a lot of solar lights in Trista's Garden. I picked out a hummingbird for Lane and the light will be shining bright for him tonight here in Ohio. I will post a picture of it on the facebook page you shared along with all the others. I hope it helps your heart somehow to know how many hearts have been touched by Lane and continue to be. Keeping you in my heart and thoughts today.

Lane, Sweet Lane, Wrap your Mom and Sister, and all who love you in your warmth today. Let them feel you close. I wish you peace and love on your Birthday. Celebrate with all the Angels.

[Guest]

.

[mikesmomrs]

Happy heavenly birthday, Wayne. May all of our wonderful angels surround you today. Wanda, you are in my heart and bought today. These days can be so difficult, but when they happen especially their birthday, I try to think of all the wonderful, loving joy that was brought to me on this day so many years ago. I hope you are able to find comfort today in those memories of yours that will live forever in your heart.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY STEVE!!


HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY LANE!!

 

Here is Lora's picture again with Dee! So great you two were able to meet!

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora and Dee, I'm so glad you were able to meet and that it was a great day for both of you.

Wade, I know you have so much going on but wanted you to know we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. Let us know when you can.

[ericasmom]

Hey Lora, how are you today. Thank you for a lovely day yesterday and thank your charming Son. I will post a photo or two if my system allows.

Yep, like meeting up with a Sister and nephew yesterday, totally natural.

 

Thanks Becky for posting the photo as well. So sweet. How are you feeling today?

 

Shanon, good to see you, don't over do with trying to keep up, though I do know how hard it is to catch up. How was your trip?

 

Karen, it sounds like you have some good support around you in your husband and sister. How glad I am of this. You are working hard to understand this sadness, and yes, sleep is part of the process, take it when you can and I am glad to hear that you are eating and taking care of YOU.

 

Sailorsmom, indeed what Shannon said is so. We don't necessarily have a thread or theme, but if you would like to have a conversation here on a specific topic, we are all definitely going to chime in. So don't worry about changing the direction or the flow, we all find ways to communicate what is needed here. You folks newer to this path are our priority as you are finding your steps.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Something I wrote the other day. So many tears going into this second year.

Tears...

Tears are different now than they used to be. They can wash over me at anytime, any place, for any number of reasons. They are a part of this new life of mine. It's one I'm trying so hard to learn to live in. Sometimes my tears may make others uncomfortable, when in the course of a regular conversation, a memory is triggered. I may have even been laughing just minutes before. Just give me a minute. It will pass. I may even be laughing again in a minute or two. On some occasions I may even be laughing while the tears stream down my face. If you need to turn your head, walk away, whatever makes you more comfortable that's ok. I'm blessed to have those who will wait it out, talk it out, or even cry with me. The tears may lessen in time, or maybe not. I won't apologize for them. They are a symbol of the love I have for my daughter who I miss so much. They're not a sign of a breakdown. I don't call it a day and go to bed when the tears come. They are as natural to me now as breathing. To say I cried today is the same as saying I breathed today. It's a given. Tears are cleansing. They allow me to release the sadness so I can focus on the love I have for Trista.

"Tears are words the mouth can't say nor can the heart bare."

I read this quote and it resonated with truth in my heart. Sometimes the tears are all I have.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, sending you prayers today on your sweet Lane's Birthday...how we cherish the day our beloved son's entered our life, and we grieve as we love...

 

Karen, thank you for sharing the picture of your twins, they are both beautiful...it was good that your sister is so compassionate and has helped you during this early time of mourning...

 

MsMom, thanks for sharing the thoughts you had on the post the other day. this part spoke to me, "The worst thing in the world has happened to all of us. Nothing else could happen that would be worse. We all know that. While we must remain here as our children are angels we have nothing to lose by weeding out those who are toxic or otherwise taking from whatever energy we have left...." There are those we find that just cannot handle this new turn in our life...to wish them peace and continue is the challenge I found...

 

Katie, thinking of you today as you are so new to this grief journey...wishing you gentleness and peace...

 

Carol, sending prayers for Davis, I am glad that he decided to finish treatment...he is a very handsome young man...and we pray for good things in his life...

 

Sailorsmom, I agree with Dee and Shannon, we just share our children, our struggles, how we feel... It has been my hope that a little of what I share perhaps may assist someone else and as I have very limited support from people who understand child loss this place is where I have come for healing.

 

Sherry, the picture of the sunflower was so nice...do the birds eat all the seeds or do you harvest them at all?

 

*************

 

All, my sister has been released from the hospital and my mom is going to visit her today. Thank you for your prayers and concern. Also, I believe a new corner has been turned with my youngest son.

 

*****************

Lora, so glad that you and Dee had that chance to meet...and that it was a good day shared with your son...Cara and Erica I am sure were smiling and holding close...

 

*******************

Thinking of our dad's today, Wade, Ted, Brian's dad ...

 

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Beautiful peom Shannon, so fitting...

[ericasmom]

LANE, sweet young man, happy happy heavenly birthday. May the sweetness you have created here on Earth surround you ten-fold in Heaven.

 

Wanda, blessings today and each day as you come to these calendar dates that are so bittersweet

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Karen,

I also loved the picture of your twins. They look so happy. Your Michelle is beautiful. I had a problem with sleep for a long time. It took months and months for me to sleep through the night. I still have trouble falling asleep and still wake up many times a night some nights. I'm sending you wishes for as much rest as you can get.

Dee,

My trip was good in a lot of ways, hard in others but I know that's to be expected right now. Thank you for asking. I have some pictures I want to post as soon as I get them uploaded. I looked at the pictures of you and Lora together and the first thought I had was how much I could see Erica and Cara in the two of you.

[ericasmom]

No greater compliment Shanon, than being able to see our Girls in us. Thank you.

 

Karen, how is your Son doing, Michelle's twin, who by the way is gorgeous, they are gorgeous.

 

 

 

[Kalikama]

Glad to see I'm not the only one with sleep issues.  Even with 2 xanax ER and a Sonata and my essential oils I cannot sleep.  I am too tired to read or use the computer, so I toss and turn until between 2-4 a.m.  Then I sleep until at least 9:30 or 10.  Sometimes more, rarely get up earlier than 9:30.  

 

I think the shock of my son using drugs has worn off, but the shock of his death has not.  And then I obsess about the dealer who dragged him to his car, drove it to a parking lot and left him there--in BROAD DAYLIGHT.  I was lead to believe, by the police, that it was in the middle of the night.  I am SO angry that the police did not check his phone, as the dealer was an absconded parolee--2X Felon.  They could've arrested him THAT day, JUST for that!  One of my BFF's has a friend who is a retired cop and has access to a lot of websites--he is going to check on the rumor that the dealer is in jail.

 

When our first son died, he came to 'visit' within 2 months of his passing.  Ethan has not done that, yet, and it makes me sad and concerned that he hasn't made it the love and light in heaven. I just want him to tell me he is happy and safe.  The peace I felt after Bobby's visit was incredible.  I want that again.   I don't feel him with me or even near me, although every time I lose something in the house I blame it on him out loud.  I keep calling the dog "Ethan".  Not that I had never accidentally done that before, but it happens multiple times a day.  

 

Trista's mom--I loved your post about tears.  They really are saying what the mouth cannot say.

 

Why is there NOTHING that takes away this pain??  I don't know if I can bear it much longer.  Our family of 5 is down to 3 and the only living child is bi-polar, 30 yrs. old, living in a group home and chances are we will out live him, too.  If this is karma--then I was an evil person in a past life, because I know, in this life I have not been or there would not have been the hundreds of people who came to support us.  

 

I know, from the experience of Bobby, that it "gets better" someday, but there was no shock in his death and we felt grateful that he lived 14 years longer than expected.  This shock--and I remember at Bobby's funeral wondering aloud how parents who have a perfectly healthy kid get through this and now I have to try.  

 

[Sailormom]

Kalikma

you can pull up jefferson county jail and look him up, also has a sign up that you can be notified when he is released, you can also log onto to court system to see who is going to court and for what.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I loved your thoughts on Tears. I so agree. Look forward to seeing your pictures of your holiday.

 

Laurie, good news about your sister. I am very pleased that she is able to go home where I am sure she will make a faster recovery.

 

Well, Dee and Lora...I have to say you made me wish I was there too!  That is a great photo of you with your son Lora. I hope these next few days will be good ones.

 

As to sleep issues. I used to find that I did not have trouble getting to sleep. I was exhausted from the strain of it all. But I would wake up most nights around 3:00 and walk around thinking. It took ages to get back into a sort of regular routine again.

 

I heard of something happen at Curves the other day that I found disturbing. Apparently there were a group of women discussing how horrible it would be to lose a child. One woman apparently piped in that she would sooner kill herself if she had to live without her kids. Upon hearing this I felt sorry for the woman that had lost her daughter last year who was standing with them. I knew how badly she would have felt standing there listening to this comment. I wish people would think before they speak. I feel that losing Jeff was a form of death for me. I died alongside him and have had to relearn how to live again. But I am standing and each passing year gives me more strength to continue. I am a heck of lot more sensitive to others and careful how I respond given all that I have experienced.

 

One day at a time is all we need to worry about getting through. Eventually those days turn into weeks and then years. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a peaceful evening. Kate

[Kalikama]

Kate--I used to have no problem getting to sleep, but would do the same thing--wake up between 3 and 4 a.m. Then I was sleeping at least 12 hours a day, which was much preferred to being awake. It has only been the past few weeks that I cannot seem to GET to sleep.  Of course, it has only been 3 months since my son died.  I am hoping to go back to work in September, but it will be very hard if I can't get up at 6 a.m.

[karenthiemermann]

Shannon: thank you--my twins were so beautiful when they were born--and still are. When they were born, Michael had health issues, ( preemies), and cried a lot, but he outgrew it and those 2 were the happiest pair! They grew up so close to each other, breaking the same arm, chipping the same tooth, getting sick at the same time. As they got older they became even closer; confiding in one another about everything. 2 peas in a pod!

 

Dee: None of us has heard from Michael since he got back home. I'm unable to reach him by phone or computer. This causes me to worry as he took it the hardest. I'm so afraid that he's drowning his sorrows in alcohol. I don't want to project anything--but you know how we all worry.

 

As far as sleep goes, I guess it's very common after losing one's child, to not sleep well. Thank you all for sharing that with me. I fall asleep, but seem to only be able to sleep for short periods at a time before I'm wide awake, tossing and turning, until I finally just get up and come out to the computer with some herbal tea. When I feel sleepy again, I go back to bed only to start the whole "routine" over again until I decide to just make coffee and stay up. I'm not a napper--never have been, so I just go to bed each night at the same time, and pray myself to sleep hoping to get as much as I can. I feel you, Kalikama; sleep is elusive, no matter what I try to do.

 

God bless us all, Angel moms and dads!

 

 

Karen

[Jeff's Mom]

Karen, I can understand your concern. Is there a family member or friend that you could call to check on him? Sending huge (HUGS) to you tonight. I know it is difficult. Let us know how things go.

 

Kalikama...hang in there. You can and will somehow get through this initial grieving stage.  You have us to help you over this difficult first period. And it is hard. But you are not alone.

 

Susan, what did you get up to today? Missed your posts. I guess we are a family in some strange way. Strangers that are holding hands from a distance. Holding each other in our deepest need.

 

Love to all. Kate

[karenthiemermann]

Kate: Thank you for your concern. I still can't reach him nor can anyone else. He had just moved back to San Antonio from Austin and we haven't even had the chance to  get his new address. I've left messages and all I can do now is hope and wait.

 

Another "all-nighter". I think I slept for about 2 hours all together. When I first get up in the morning, it's my habit to go outside and pray and meditate; then come back inside and silently read some prayers I've written for myself. This morning, I didn't pray at all. Could my faith be waivering? Am I secretly angry at God?

 

I've been on the internet for hours now--reading about grief and self-pity; a feeling I don't want to get stuck in. Lots of helpful tips on the subject; now if I can just follow them.

 

Coming here to this forum is a good thing for me because I can write about anything and not be judged. You've all been there and have created a bond with each other that is so healthy. I hope to do that too. All of you have been so kind and helpful.

 

Looking ahead at my day today, I don't know how I'm going to get through it without sleep. I don't know how long my energy will last. It's only 6:23am and I'm wishing I could get some more sleep, but I can't. I have so many things to do.

 

I feel such enormous frustration.   

 

Here is a picture of Michelle with my granddaughter, Maddy, when she was still just a toddler. She's 12 now. 

 

Here's wishing each of you peace and joy.

 

Karen

[Jeff's Mom]

Karen: My goodness, they are adorable. What a beautiful smile Michelle has. As far as I know if a person is missing for a certain period of time ...as in 48 hours... and you are concerned, then contacting the police is an option. I can relate to your exhaustion. You most likely are not angry at God, but so exhausted you are having trouble concentrating and getting through the motions of daily living. It takes tremendous energy after suffering such a loss. You are doing really well actually. I found I could only take one day at a time. I made a to do list for the day. At the beginning if I was able to stroke off a couple of things I felt I had had a good day. Eventually it got better. This is hard work and it takes a huge amount of effort. Hold on. Let us know if you hear from your son. Kate

[Sailormom]

Karen,

Hope things turn out allright,   The unkown and worrying is worse than the known, my oldest was drowning his grief in alchol and is now in rehab.  He admitted himself inorder to save himself.  He feels guilty for Brian's death cause he didn't go see him that Friday nite and he was the one that found him on sunday with me.

[ericasmom]

Karen, I do hope that you will hear from Michael soon, letting you know that he is fine. Boy that Grandgirl of yours is so pretty. Who are her parents?

AS far as sleep, it is an elusive exercise especially in that first year. It seems we find new patterns of sleep but it takes time. I take a natural tablet called Formula 303, it just helps take some of the physical edge off of my sleep anxiety. It is not powerful and has valarian root and a few other natural plant based ingredients. I also drink Sleep Time Tea before bed adn sometimes keep a cup of it on my nightstand to sip if I wake up. I always read when I wake up for two reasons; sleeping makes my eyes need to slam shut, (made it hard at school) and reading someone else's story helped to take my mind elsewhere. I did not read a lot of grief stuff before or during the night, more of that in the day, kept to fiction or memoir at nighttime. These things helped me. I went to therapy at 6 months into grief, which is when I found this place. Due to abuse issues as a kid and several deaths within a matter of three years after Erica's, I found I had PTSD which really affected the quality of life. So I go back to therapy when I need to re-up my personal tools for management.

I went back to work in August after ERi was killed in July. I teach so I still had 4 full weeks or 5 after she was killed to find a bit of strength and decided that I would try going back but with the understanding that if I could not handle it, I would take a leave. I not only handled it, I found that it helped save my sanity. Kids have that way about them, the immediacy of their needs all day made it impossible to stay in my grief during those 6 hours each day. IT was good for me. Everyone has to find their own pace.

 

So my nephew Brian and his partner Joe took my sisters and me to a Billy Joel concert last evening-at Wriggley Field, (home of the CUBS). We had such a fun time. My sisters and I drove to the city to Bri and Joe's and from there we all went out to dinner and then to Wriggley. We laughed and laughed at funny family stories and enjoyed a night outdoors under the lights and stars. Wonderful. I have never liked Billy Joel's music, don't know why, but he does put on a good show and his horn players were amazing. Got home at around 1;00. Fun times.

 

Lora, safe travels home. I know your heart is happy to have spent such great times with Jared in his new city. Lovely to meet you my friend. Like the words in an old Moody Blues song, Lovely to meet you my friend, walk along with me to the next bend...

And we do that here, we walk along with you each to the next bend, and beyond.