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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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karenthiemermann

I thank all of you for your comments and kind words; even the truth, as much as I know it's going to hurt. My sister, husband, and I will have a brief "ceremony" here at my home during the actual service. As far as a formal one here, I just haven't gotten that far in my thinking yet. Am I being selfish? Why do I struggle with that? 

 

Yesterday, was long and difficult; I heard from long-time dear friends who dredged up memories of when Michelle was born and so tiny and precious. Instead of feeling happiness, though, all I feel is overwhelming sadness and loss and grief and all those "negative things" and the tears feel stuck. I need to; want to cry my eyes out again, sobbing and weeping and shaking like when I first got the news and a couple of days after. The words of my mother are echoing in my head, though: " Strong women cry behind closed doors. They fight their battles in private."  I suspect when my sister arrives, I will break down again as I feel the strength waning with every passing moment.

 

I slept in little increments last night and couldn't eat but a few bites of food when my stomach just felt like rejecting it. My sister is bringing food so I must try to eat. I'm physically weak and don't like the feeling. 

 

I'm trying to feel her "warm and sunny" energy. I know she would want that. She wouldn't want to see me this weak.

 

My beautiful Michelle. 

 

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Steve s mom

In memory of Steve's Birthday .

 

He would have been 32 on July 17.

 

Instead he has been gone for 32 months .

 

I miss you my love, until we meet again.

 

 

 

 

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I have to say one thing that is very important from all that I have learned since my son died. Until you go through this NOBODY, not ANYONE is in the position of telling us how to handle our grief, or how to go about "getting over it" as they love to tell us. Karen, your Mom is giving you her best advice....but she is wrong. Take it from me...I come from a long line of family that had taken that stance. Stiff upper lip and keep your shoulders squared. Well, some things are so devastating and heartbreaking that the only way to heal is to let it out. Crying, ranting, talking, etc. There is not one thing weak about crying at the loss of losing a child. Reaching out to others that can help is an intelligent thing to do. I've been fighting my battles in private all of my life and it was not until I opened up that things started to get better. I will be with you in thought today.

 

Steve's Mom...we will be thinking of you on Steve's birthday. I now it is hard as it will also be Jeff's birthday on Wednesday.

 

Dee, how is your foot today? Were you able to manage some form of decent sleep last night. I imagine they gave you Tylenol 3's. 

 

Lora, wishing you a good visit to Chicago.

 

Ted and Wade...how you are doing?

 

Sending love to all that are having a rough time today. I hope that somehow you will be able to find some sense of peace in some small way. Kate

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Hello friends

 

Cora's mom--my daughter Brianna died from sepsis....it was five years ago on July 5....she was 15.  It is so devastating because by the time you realize that something is terribly wrong, the infection has set in and is doing serious damage.  My heart to yours.

 

Michelle's mom--I'm in Indiana, and I will say a prayer and think of your girl today.  I am so sorry for your loss and that you are unable to make the trip. 

 

 

Keeping all your angels close to my heart....love and light to you all.

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma forever

 

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Guest Trista's_Mom

I have a lot of reading to catch up on.

 

Wade,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. How are you doing? Please let us know when you can.

 

Laurie,

Thanks for asking about me. We got home on Monday. The vacation was bittersweet, as everything is without Trista. There were times the missing was terrible. I know Zak felt it too. It was a beautiful, peaceful, and healing place though, and there were times that I felt my Girl so close. I spent yesterday in the garden, weeding and in the kitchen, finding a thousand ways to use zucchini. My garden sort of exploded while I was gone.

 

Lora,

I hope you have a wonderful and safe trip.

 

Kate,

We are having strange weather as well. This polar vortex is making it feel very fall like and we’ve also had lots of rain with flood warnings. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts as Jeff’s Birthday approaches.

 

Dee,

I hope you aren’t in too much pain and are able to rest.

 

Maryann,

I will be thinking of you and of your Steve as his birthday approaches. We cherish the day that our Child was put into our arms but the missing is so so hard.

 

Karen, Katie, and Kalikama,

I am going to do some reading to catch up with each of your stories but wanted to say how sorry I am for each of your losses. I’m glad you found this ‘place’ though. It’s been a lifeline for me. I found this wonderful group of people just a couple of weeks after I lost my 17 year old Daughter, Trista in a car accident, on June 1, 2013. The car she was a passenger in was hit by a tanker truck. I still can’t even type those words without tears. We all know this intense pain. Those first weeks and months are a blur to me. I don’t remember much of anything but as Kalikama said, there are also those things that are forever burned into my memory.

It took me a long time, months and months, to even be able to sleep through the night and sleep is still elusive at times. I am slowly, very slowly, stepping back into life a little at time. I still lack focus and concentration and just have be gentle with myself, as I hope you are all able to be yourselves. As far as eating, that was a struggle for me but as I was told when I got here, self-care is so important. One thing that helped me was fresh fruit, cut up and ready to eat. Sometimes I could only take a bite or two but it was something. Dee and Laurie also suggested smoothies. I would buy the pre-made type with fruits and vegetables. It was convenient and about the only thing I could tolerate for a while. I still use them on days that I just have no appetite.

 

I’m wishing as much peace and comfort for all as possible today. I will try to catch up more on my reading as I can. Does it sound odd to say I missed you all? Even though, we meet in cyberspace from places all over, you all have become such an important part of my life.

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Mermaid Tears

Steve's Mom....we will all be in your circle.....

hard to even wrap your thoughts around the Birth date of his 32nd year...

and yet...you have to wrap your thoughts around the fact....he has been gone 32 months...

....we know how hard this grief journey is...and we will be 'holding your hand'.....

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Mermaid Tears

Karen....."WE".....will all be with you today.....we will 'circle the wagons' for you today....

I want you to know that all that you are experiencing is 'normal'.....

Thanks to 'some divine intervention'....I was looking something else up on the internet one night...and was 'guided' to this site....

my human boat was going down....down....down.....

and many threw me a life raft to keep my head above the waters of deep grief....

I found out I wasn't crazy....I was in 'mourning'......

 

The sleepless nights...the 'confused thinking'.....are all common on the grief journey....this journey comes with no map or compass.....but there are others that are a little farther ahead on this journey....on the path that has no light...and they are the 'guides' that wave to us....and tell us.....'you can make it'.....but it is a hard....hard journey....

  there is nothing simple about this.....and you will not be able to jump over it....walk around it...or side step it....you have to 'go through it'.....

    and your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....

there is not one color for grief....one 'plan that fits all'.....and there is no manual...

    If....you think that if you turned a plant container upside down and put it on your head....you would feel better...DO IT...

If...you feel like sitting on the couch all day in your panties and crying.....DO IT....

 

Please....know....that your Mom is simply telling you something that someone taught her a long time ago....she is simply telling you something that was preached to her....it is in the fabric of that generation....and...the other thing to think of...

....did your Mom lose a child ? If not.....she isn't being mean....she is simply ignorant of the deepest..darkest grief that can be known.....if she has....then she is simply telling you what her family said to her....

 

I know the pain must be very overwhelming..not to be at the Memorial with the family......but it seems you do have loved and loving ones that will be around you....and they want to do whatever they can to give you a soft place to fall.

 

My 'thinking' is not very fundamental....or traditional....but....you just be very good and kind to yourself for now...we call it 'self care'.....Laurie and Shannon created a 'special place' in their homes where they could go and wrap themselves in a blanket...and grieve....and read....and cry and cry and cry.....

   I 'cocooned'.....I stopped all community and social events....and I 'cocooned' with books...music...and I was on my knees...and sobbing...panic attacks...and sleepless nights....I was shattered....still am to a certain extent...

 

But....I think a parent can have a Memorial at 'Anytime'....'Any where'.....'How ever'...Whenever....at midnight...at noon...at any date.....and later....or sooner....when you can gather your thoughts...you can do 'anything' you want for your girl...

    Dee and some others on this site had to give me 'permission' to cocoon....(why I needed that is beyond me...I guess we get so wrapped up in 'what we 'should do')....we lose sight of what we want to do...or what we feel is right for us...

 

I also think our children are around and with us....and I do believe with all my heart....your girl's energy..light...essence..persona will let you know....in some way.....very personal between you and her.....she is near...

     Just know you are not alone on this journey.....you live in Austin....I live in Brenham....

I lost my John David on August 3, 2012.....I am still shattered...I miss my SONshine boy every..every day...but....I am 'going through it'....and I don't know what mental shape I would be like without the parents on this site....it has been another shade of salvation for me....

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Karen~I agree with Kate *seems like a trend for me*, but 'grieving behind closed doors' isn't the way to go.  In the book I have been reading, it says that sometimes 'hiding' the grief makes it that much more intense later on.  {{hugs}}  I openly cried with a friend last night while we stood outside my car.

 

Steve's mom~Thinking of you as Steve's birthday approaches.

 

Becky~I can't even begin to imagine your hurt in that.  I don't understand most people these days.

 

I went out for an adult beverage with a friend last night.  Best glass of wine I've had in quite some time!  It might have helped that I was in a local tap room.  I don't drink every night, but now and then...it's just what I needed.  Not to mention being able to relax and talk it out.  This past week has been hard.  My emotions were all over the place leading into my cycle and I figured that after a few days, things would even out again.  That didn't happen.  It moved in and camped out.

 

Has anyone experienced jaw pain in relation to stress/grief?  It has been terrible for the last month plus.  I have been taking ibuprofen/tylenol on a regular basis for over a month.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Kati,

 

Grief can be very physical. I had and still have a lot of pain at times. Headaches, migrains, muscle and joint pain. How are your other children doing? I have two boys, ages 4 and 14. 

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Mermaid Tears

Katie.....first I want to say that all of us on this site 'do walk in your shoes'.....

and we can share your grief in a way that can only be shared by a parent that has lost a child....

what I have discovered....is that it doesn't make any difference if your child was 5 days old....5 years old....16 years old...or....like my John David....he was 42 years old....

   they are still 'our child'.....

your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....

it is a hard journey whatever the age....

 

I think I have a very special place in my heart for parent's that lose that 'small child'....

we seem to think we have a Super Human Strength when we have that child...and like a Super Parent...we can keep all harm from that child....but....we really never had that kind of control.....

We find we simply had a Super Human Love for that child....and even death....cannot separate that child from that parent...ever...

 

I would think that 'jaw clenching' is a symptom..of unrelenting stress....and we walk and talk and eat and sleep with this heavy...heavy grief....it is exhausting....I find that grief is a very heavy physical burden to carry.....and we have to learn to balance that extra weight in our daily lives....

   And as Dee has said....'We must change to make room for the loss'.....

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Shannon~My oldest daughter, seems to take things in stride.  My younger daughter is having a hard time all together and when you throw in grief on top of existing behavioral problems...it's a nasty mix.  I'm just plain exhausted.  Where some have difficulty sleeping, I could sleep all the time.  Eating?  Also...not an issue.  I'm the type of person who eats to 'soothe'.  :(

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....it makes my heart happy to hear that your 'vacation' was a positive one...in a place of rest..relaxation...and peace and beautiful scenery....

   I so know what you mean.....I was overwhelmed ....even off balance.....with the memories when we went to Port Aransas a couple of weeks ago....I did not think I would be so over the top....

I 'thought' I had more control over the emotions....

but...I was wrong....

 

We will just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other on this grief journey...I don't think we will ever arrive at a place of destination....

there will be nothing on the map that is a 'stopping off place'.....

   post-306805-0-27402800-1405435406_thumb.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....thanks for posting that song.....I think it stays with me because that has become my 'Theme Song'....

 

I have always been such an upbeat person...one that could always find a 'solution' or a way around a problem...

 

and now....this grief journey can put us on a slippery slope...

we can become...better....

or bitter....

 

and I never want to become one of those 'bitter..negative...mean and hateful' people that feels as if the world turned on them or blames God/Mother/Father of the Universe for their sorrow...

 

we have to find a way to walk in the rain...and not get wet....

 

so....I will be looking for that 'Sunny day'....something good...

I may not have a way of finding it yet...or learned how....

I am in the pre-school class of grief...

but I will let everyone know if I have a break through...instead of a breakdown...

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Susan, love the way you wrote walk in the rain and not get wet to avoid being bitter, I guess what I have found is we have to walk in the rain, acknowledge that we are wet with the ability to get dry again, we will get dry again, we will find our footing again.

 

My foot is better, I did sleep pretty deeply last night and that felt great. I hate having to take it easy, not taking my usual walks but that is the way it is for now.

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Debbie, thanks for your well wishes for ERI-angelversary. Where on the road are you these days? How are you coping?

 

Kate, thanks, foot is less swollen today.

 

Lora, love that Kalamazoo connection you and I have had for a while now. Sorry for the delay but glad to hear that you thought of Eri. I am able to walk enough to meet you downtown or somewhere you would like to meet if it works for you. I think that I am available Wednesday afternoon or Thursday afternoon at too.  I can also be around on Saturday during the mid-morning or afternoon.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....happy to hear that the sprained ankle is not as swollen....and you did get a good night's sleep....

when we went to Port 'A'....my GRANDson, Collin, brought a friend with him, Ryan,...and on the last day they were boogie boarding and Ryan sprained his ankle.....Christi..(daughter-in-law and Mom of Collin) was at the ER for hours....they x-rayed it....we are just thankful it happened on the last day instead of the first day....

 

getting a good nights sleep is like someone giving me a gift...a very elusive symptom of grief...

 

am putting the collage in the mail today....wish I could have had it there for the 14th....

I have had 'lots' of people around...lots of coming and going....

 

Pibby has been upset about the young boy that died....his little brother is in her grade....and as I have said...we are a small town.....she became emotional at the beach about John David seeing the lighthouse...and she lost her Grampa Homer....

anyway...her Mom and Dad are rearranging bedrooms...and she gets to pick out paint etc...so yesterday we went and had our nails done...and then....went to look at paint swatches....I bought a quart of 'her choice'....and she will paint some on a wall to see if she 'really likes it'....(she is only 11).....also bought some material to re-do some throw pillows for her 'new room'...and we started making other plans...should we buy a Loft Bed...or should she have a Queen bed...or twin bed...and looking at Chevron bedding...on and on.....all that will keep her busy for now....

 

Miss Pat's son called.....and he and his wife are coming on Wednesday to start going through her belongings and pack....I went yesterday and cleaned out the refrigerator/freezer....knowing that is the hardest thing to do when you are from out of town...and have a daunting chore...to go through your Mom's home....they are going to have a graveside service on Friday at 2.....they will bury her cremated remains...for her wishes is that she be buried in Brenham....they want to have a gathering afterwards....and I will call one of my dearest and oldest friends here who owns the Funky Art Cafe to reserve a table....he said there would not be but a very few there....my Golden girls from the apartment will be there with me...I am going to 'speak' at the graveside....I asked her son for permission....I think she would want me to...it gives me great comfort in that she was so happy living at my apartments...and in Brenham for the last years of her life....she was so delighted in our small Texas town...

 

Lora....glad you made it to Chicago....we all want you to take this time to have a good visit with your SONshine boy...see some sights...eat some good food....and then....meet with Dee....I think I am just as excited as ya'll are...!!

 

Kate....Daniel spoke with a friend this morning...he was boarding a plane in Amarillo...and the temp went down to 72....yikes....that doesn't sound like summer weather in Texas, either....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hello to all, I am not sure how much I will be on here the next few days so I am posting this in recognition of the upcoming July Birthdays,

 

Jeff, Steve, and Lane...

 

 
Just could use some prayer right now. Thanks to all...
 
Lora, wishing you a lovely visit...

 

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....our prayers are yours...and for you...if you don't want to share what the 'problem/trouble' is...that is ok....just come back and read if you can....

and hang on with both hands...

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Laurie, I agree with Susan. And thank you so much for thinking of Jeff. Yes, it is hard to believe that another birthday is at hand. Where has the time gone? He was 28 when he died and will be 33 tomorrow had he lived. I will be thinking of you this next while and keeping you in my prayers. Love to all. Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Yesterday..... I went over to my apartments to clean our Miss Pat's refrigerator/freezer......my daughter came and brought me this poem....someone sent it to her....and it touched her heart and she just had to share it with me....

 

This is 'sorta' the way I feel about my John David....he is not 'gone'....he is still 'here' with me....he is just 'over there'....

 

I hope it can bring some comfort to ones on this site...post-306805-0-78659800-1405460875_thumb.

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Steve s mom

Laurie thanks fot the photo you posted for Steve's birthday

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Susan----I'm sorry to hear of the boy in your town. Prayers for the family. Thanks for the

nice poem.....yes .....it's true.....when our beloved children left this world, there were

angels on the other side to say  "here he/she comes".  A comforting thought. I agree...

we need to look for that sunny day.  Sometimes we may have many cloudy days, and

think that a sunny day will never come.....then one day the sun comes peeking through.

While we may then take a few steps back, and more dark days, we keep looking for the

sunny day.

 

Kate-----Thinking of you as the days are leading up to Jeff's birthday.  These are the

hard days,  I know.   Peace to you, friend.

 

Karen---I'm sorry that the grief is so overwhelming for you right now....it's so very soon,

and anything & everything can make the tears just flow. Keep coming here to this site

where we all understand, so well, the depth of your sorrow...since we're all in the

same boat...though on different time points on this road.

 

 

Laurie----so kind of you to post on the upcoming birthdays of the angels from BI. Thanks.

 

Dee----Oh, ouch!....A bad sprain is so painful...for sure.  (I had one several years ago :( )

Take good care of it....glad that the swelling has subsided.  Thanks for the CS&N song

w/ Neil Young. Always has been one of my favorite groups.

 

Kati----So sorry to hear that your little girl, Rae, is having a difficult time of it....bless her.

Sending prayers.   Could the jaw pain possibly be TMJ ?  I had a bad time of it with

problems once a good while ago, and the diagnosis was TMJ.  The Dr. said to try not to

clench the jaw while sleeping.  I think that it subsided after awhile.  Thoughts & prayers

for you & your family.

 

Stevesmom----I'm thinking of you as Steve's birthday is coming up.   I know what you

mean......that our dear children will always be the same age as when they had to leave

this world too soon.

 

Becky-----So sorry that some jerk saw fit to shoot a hole through Jared's sign.  What

a hateful thing to do......can't understand why anyone would do it.  They certainly are

a terrible person.  Wishing you peace, and hoping that it doesn't happen again.  How

are you doing  health-wise ?   I pray that you are getting some relief.

 

Wanda----thanks for the lovely poem.

 

Kilikama----Yes, we can certainly come here to BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo) to

cry & talk.....vent.....and just tell others here  how we are feeling.  We've all done

just that in the course of our time on this rough journey we're on.  As you said.....

even though one might have a good family support network,  we might be feeling

especially low and a certain time, and can come here to this board 24/7  and know

that we are understood.  Keep coming back.....we all help each other along the way.

 

 

Shannon----

Glad you had a nice vacation.

 

PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY   TO    ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry     

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Angel Boy of Mine

Doctor visit today, says my bloodsugar levels are much better, thinks the nerve

 

damage to hands may be irreversible. Much atrophy to the muscles, causing

 

weakness and lack of strength and control in hand movements. Legs are still very weak, hard

 

to stand and to walk, hoping that will improve and not get worse. Feeling 80+

 

right now. Pray for me, please. Doctors think now that the bout of pancreaitus

 

that landed me in the hospital was a result of a gall stone blocking the pancreas

 

production. All I know is I am blessed to have made it back home, and it has

 

been a very long struggle for me and my family trying to get me back to

 

somewhat normal, whatever normal is...I havcn't been that in a very long while.

 

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Thanks to all that responded regarding our signs. It just broke me down yesterday,

 

but this morning, I got busy and wrote letters to all the neighbors to see if anyone

 

had seen or heard anything. Guess I have to investigate myself... once again!

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...our Warrior Mom....that is how I describe you and think of you...and put you in a certain place....

.....we are with you....

am so sorry about the bullet holes....

sorry more...for the people that did that....

but how could they know where all that came from....

 

we know...it came from you....sorrow can bring on such physical distress....

grief can bring on all that physical distress....

and now we know the importance of '''self care''''

right ?

you are just in a plane of grief....

and you will be the only one that can bring yourself up to what we call health...

it is easy...to give in....but don't  you do that....your family...and all on this site need you

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Becky, it is imperative that you look at this grace of being back home and see that this is your chance to find your way to better health. The last few years are so massively sad for you and the battle you waged for speed reduction and what not, all of it, taking its toll. These are good endeavors but sometimes we need to see that we are unable to make it all change. It does not mean we should give up, but it may mean your focus needs to shift some. Maybe investigating the bullet holes is not what is in your best interest right now. Is it possible that you let it go? It does not mean you forgive it, it is a disgusting act by some idiotic person. But could you let it go so that you don't add more stress to your life? Could you say, I am not going to find out who did this and realize you are not letting anyone down?

You do know that Jared does not want you to let your health go to waste in order to find justice. There is not justice in that for any of you. Please take good good care of you, it is truly the best way to shine Jared's light right now. I am sending prayers for you to strengthen and heal.

 

Susan, do you think Pebbie would benefit from organizing something for the brother of the young man who died in town? Just thinking that sometimes when kids need to grieve, especially those who know grief, it helps them feel that they have a bit more control in their lives if they brainstorm ideas to put into action.

 

Laurie, you just hang on Kiddo, knowing that we are holding your hand and your heart.

 

Lora, let me know if you want to get together. How was your first day in Chi-town? Besides chilly.

 

Photo of Grandy Erica trying to eat ice

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karenthiemermann

To everyone on this site, I thank you for helping me! Yesterday was the service. My sister took the day off and drove up here from San Antonio-about an hour's drive-to be with me during the service. She brought lots of food and flowers and was just here for me to listen, to hug me and comfort me. She even sang for me. 

 

Chuck, my oldest, constantly sent me pictures during the service, so it felt like I was there. Michael-Michelle's twin brother, called me and asked me "which necklace do I want?". I didn't know what he was talking about until the picture of her urn came through; then I understood: she had discussed with Michael, her desire to be cremated when the time came--which is fine--I just didn't know. So her husband, Chris, is sending me a necklace with some of her ashes enclosed in a little heart-shaped locket. He then completely broke down on the phone and begged to have her back. It broke my heart all over again.

 

I didn't hear from Bonnie all day--Michelle's little sister-my youngest. She is guilt-ridden and I'll write about all that when I can and you'll understand what I mean. Charles was there with them, of course--my ex-their dad--and the restaurant where she worked, held the reception after the service. 

 

The boys will be flying back to their respective homes, In Portland, and San Antonio today. 

 

Sleep seemed to come in ten or 15 minute increments last night. I looked at the clock each time I woke up and it felt like hours, but only a few minutes had passed--so strange. 

 

It still feels surreal,like a movie or a bad dream.

 

The huge outpouring of thoughts and prayers is incredible. So many people loved her and care about me. Pictures and memories evoked some joy in my heart.

 

Today, I tell myself to try and go about my 'routine' and at least exercise my legs before they are totally useless, ( I found out yesterday, that if I don't re-think back surgery, I may lose the use of both legs).

 

 

So many things aren't "right" yet--I suspect they won't be for a long time. I plan to return here as much as possible and get to know all of you. You 'get it'. I can't find that anywhere else--and I am truly grateful.

 

Life must go on.

 

Missing you terribly, my darling angel child, Michelle! 

 

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karenthiemermann

I updated my settings and the time is still wrong. I don't know why that annoys me. It's an hour ahead---Indiana time--where my baby was living.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....

  you have left no stone unturned on Jared's path for justice....

but you did leave many stones on your path of health...

 

Now I understand even more the physical...exhausting...heavy toll that grief can cause on a body...

  I think if I had known all your symptoms...I would have been sending out warnings to you everyday to...

 

"SELF- CARE BECKY"....

    You have such a lovely...vibrant family....and Jasmine and your husband need you to put as much effort and fight into your recovery now....as you put in your 'fight for justice'.....

   Please keep us informed....and please....rest and heal....

 

As for as the bullet holes....we have those idiots here in Texas, too....some people have too much time on their hands...

this is a time not to take it personal....

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Mermaid Tears

Karen....it seems to me you were included 'in the circle' of love for your girl....for many were thinking of you and doing their best to include you in the 'Good by Service'.....they missed you...as much as you missed being there....

   and you had your sister there....and she and you could hold hands and be your own circle of care...

 

It is simply such a hard journey...and we always say...to 'self care'....

   you seem to have some health issues that due need your attention....and we urge you to put yourself at the top of your list...

   you have 3 other children that need you....

and in this grief journey....you and they will need each other's love and support in the days..weeks..months ahead...

 

We have all tried to manage our grief.....and that is an elusive path...

we simply have to strip all the non essentials...and concentrate on what we know instinctively we should do for ourselves and family...

   you said one son was going to Portland..and one to San Antonio....is that Portland, Texas ?

We use to live there....John David graduated from Gregory-Portland High School...

 

Grief is such a heavy dark burden to carry....please keep that in mind as you go about your day and routine...

and give yourself time and consideration when it comes to what you need to do for your health issues.

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karenthiemermann

Mermaid Tears: Thank you for replying to my post. I do have health issues that need constant attention and I need to "be there" for my children--you're right. I managed to do exercises this morning and now must prioritize my chores for the day. Seems like a mountain to climb! 

 

My sister and my husband were amazing yesterday; as were my other 3 children--including me in everything possible.

 

My oldest, Chuck, lives in Portland. Or. He just moved there from San Antonio--that's where we're from.

 

As the day progresses, I will keep those words in mind: "self-care". It'll be tough and I don't feel physically up to anything, but I'm forcing myself to do some "routine" things.

 

Peace and Love,

 

Karen

post-396086-0-38693300-1405522995_thumb.

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Mermaid Tears

Your Michelle has an outstanding glow...keep that in mind as the day progresses....her glow will always be with you...

    Grief can have a heavy blow to a very healthy and vital person...so...it will be imperative for you to maintain a 'self care' into your routine...and know those waves of grief can knock down the best of the best....

 

We are all walking in your shoes...it will be the hardest thing life can throw at you...

but we are all here to help you through this dark grief path...

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I needed to see your 'Babydoll' this morning....what a great photo of her and that hat....a real 'Summertime photo'...

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Thanks Susan, she makes me laugh and grin and say THANK YOU to the World.

 

Karen, I am so glad for the support in your family. It sounds like you all work well together and that goes a long long way to finding your way at this time. Michelle is a stunner, really beautiful. Tell us more about her life when you are able. Please do take care of those legs. What kind of back surgery does the doctor think you need?

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JEFF JEFF JEFF-

May the Angels be dancing and singing your name today, your birthday is always going to be a special day.

 

Sweep into your Mom and Dad's day in ways that really let them feel your presence. You are a light in their lives, always.

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Angel Boy of Mine

"Like grains of sand in an hour glass,as the days trickle on, time will reveal what is true. Justice is not limited to this earth and the blindness of men, but God, who sees and knows all, will be the judge in the end."

 

 10530708_4387941954114_14692986987157941

 

Thank you Dee, Lora, Susan, & Sherry, for your concern. I am mindful that I need to self=care, and I am trying. I won't wear myself down again investigating, but neither will I stand by and trust the powers that be to do the right thing. My daughter and her boyfriend delivered the letters I did yesterday to all the neighbors requesting information regarding the gunshots. Hopefully, someone will have some knowledge and be willing to share, and hopefully if/when they do, someone will be willing to listen and take action.

 

Kate, thinking of you today.

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karenthiemermann

Dee: I'm so grateful for the way the family came together for this, even though I didn't get much from my mom. I guess she is so "old school" about things, it's hard for her to see me grieve. My brother took his own life in 2000 and she said all she wanted to do was to stay busy and go to work, but I'm just not that way.

 

Some info on the accident came up yesterday that I either don't remember reading or didn't see at all that brought up "I wonder if" questions in my mind. My husband said he hasn't brought that up to me because it just happened and for me not to do that to myself. I know he's right, but it created a vision, that flashes before me, of terror.

 

As for my back issues, I have so many things going on. Idiopathic neuropathy of my left leg up to the thigh; neurogenic bowel and bladder; radicular neuropathy in my right foot caused by the slippage of 2 vertebrae that are pinching the nerve; chronic pain, which is manageable, if there is no instability of the spine. We're going to try epidural steroid injections; 2 of them; and an MRI, ( the 1 I have is a year old), and if it shows considerable instability, fusion surgery is almost always recommended. I've known that since Feb., 2014, but at the time was facing pelvic floor prolapse surgery and felt it took precedence. 

 

 

Now, I'm faced with a new kind of pain; one that cannot be "fixed" with medication or surgery. 

 

The comforting words and I advice I get here is more than a Godsend. I looked for a bereavement group here in Austin, but couldn't find anything going on right now.

 

I'm getting ready to send out "memory" cards to friends and family with forget-me-not flower seeds in them. My sister and husband are helping with that--just something I wanted to do.

 

I need to eat and sleep better and I'm a retired chef, so I'm pretty good in the kitchen. However, nothing tastes right--not even coffee in the morning. 

 

There is plenty of food, thanks to my wonderful sister, so I don't have to cook anything. A blessing indeed. So I eat a few bites to make sure I'm getting some kind of nutrition. As far as sleep goes, I don't know. Tonight, I'm going to take a hot bath in epsom salts and lavender before bed and see where that gets me.

 

Thank you for your compliments of my daughter; yes, she was very beautiful and so well loved.

 

Much gratitude, peace and love to you all.

 

Karen 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...am wondering if you and Ross can get to Jeff's Place....knowing how the weather has been so chaotic in your area.

Anyway...I am hoping and wishing and praying you both can go there...hold hands...and feel your SONshine boy around you on this day that both of you will be remembering that Angel that slipped off a cloud...and was placed in your arms and heart...

 

Kate...you have been  'there' for all of us....you 'swoop in' with your words of comfort..courage..caring...and lift many of us off the floor of our lives...

you relate your sorrow...your anger...your despair...your ups and downs.....but you also relate what you have learned on this journey...you connect with us on so many levels....and in so many layers on this grief journey....

Thank you so much....

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Karen

I did that. Also. After Brian's funeral, we sent Thank You cards with Forget-me-not flower seeds.

I have some now growing in my back yard.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Happy Heavenly Birthday, JEFF.

Kate, I hope you had wonderful memories of your boy.

Dee, sent you a private message this morning.

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Lora, I sent a message back, do you see it? If not, I will try again now anyway.

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It has been a day filled with so much emotion. Many reasons to be so grateful... and also always pushing back the feelings of sadness and longing. Thanks to "all" for your kind words of support and encouragement.

 

Yes, we did manage to make it along the beach to the site. However in the storm of the long weekend we managed to lose a significant amount of cliff due to the erosion. My garden that faced the lake in front of the bench had fallen away with the cliff. Today we spoke to the people in charge and have arranged for the bench to be moved back several feet to ensure the if we have further storms that it will not be in danger of falling into the lake. I could have had a meltdown a couple of years ago over it. But now I saw how truly insignificant it was. I will design another garden next summer. Such a small mishap in the grand scheme of life.

 

Then late afternoon we headed into a Doc appt. for myself. I had not mentioned earlier that I have also been unwell for some time. Today I had very good news. When we arrived back at our cottage a few minutes ago we walked in to find the TV on again! Go figure. I'm not sure what that is all about... Jeff...I thought of you all the way back up. While we were not able to do anything super special today... you were in my thoughts the entire day...but then you are every other day as well! Love ya, Bud.

 

Dee and Lora...hope you are both able to manage the time tot meet and have a nice chat. Thanks to you botth for your kind wishes  today. Dee, hope your ankle is a bit better.

 

Susan, you are the one that I have to thank for your timeless efforts and support to all of us. I am ever so grateful for your kind words.

 

Thinking of everyone new to this grieving journey. Take it one step at a time. I know it may not seem like it right now... but down the road your days will begin to brighten. Those dark clouds will lift and you will find a degree of happiness again. But for now you need time to heal. Love, Kate

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Today was the 100th day after my son died.  Seems like last week, but I survived the first 100 days.   ;)  

 

Had my mom tell me, today, that having my 63 year old brother with dementia was worse than what I was going through. :angry:  I told her to wait til one of her other kids gets it (since I've had 2 sons die) before she compares our lives.  At least he lived to 63!  40 more years than my youngest got and  47 more than our oldest.   Definitely made me cry to know she doesn't really even come close to "getting it".  :( 

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Kalikama, I guess you and your Mom have terrible sadnesses and she can't begin to hold yours alongside the sadness she is feeling for your brother. No, they are not the same and yet she sort of fights to have it worse. I am sorry for that. SOmetimes family are not friends and in my life, blood is not thicker than water.

You made it to 100 days and Yes, it seems like maybe a week or two. And at the same time it may feel like years and years. Time became and remains an elusive and surreal entity. It makes so much less sense than it used to. You keep hanging out here so that you are free to speak all about your Boys with us. It is that freedom to speak about our Kids that gives us so much healing.

 

Kate, glad that you had a quiet calm day. I know that the garden being eroded by weather is something that we can hardly get mad about it is simply what is and as you said, in the scheme of things...I am glad though, that you will get the bench moved. Super glad that the doctor had good news for you today, another reason to smile on this special day. The TV? Jeff's home.

 

I am looking so forward to meeting up with Lora and her Son. They have been busy busy all around town, but we will meet tomorrow afternoon at the Art Museum. My ankle is healing, it is bruised and ugly but healing. Today I used it more, went to the gym and went into the warm water pool to get some exercise. I can tell tonight that I used it more, but it does not hurt, it just feels tired.

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Dear All, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while to update and I know I don't have to say that as it's not expected. I get so overwhelmed at the thought when it takes so long just to read everyone's posts. One day I will feel up to it. I will share my story. It will be 7 months on the 20th since I lost my boy and going through same as everyone else in terms of emotions. Good/bad days, mostly mixed, never truly good. I chat w/ some as a way to distract by helping them.

 

First - let me say how deeply sorry I am for all on here with a reason to be here that is so cruel and tragic. When I think of how many parents there are losing children and joining this club it is mind numbing.

 

Kalikama -  I read your post and felt compelled to write for the first time in a long time. Because I have read so many and heard so many times variations of these kinds of hurtful comments, my hope is that these thoughts will help others. What I'm going to share is my opinion but also a well held belief in the psychology community re: how we can process hearing things like this from people so very close to us(no I'm not a professional in case anyone is wondering).  At the crux of who we are as humans is a need to love and be loved. To trust those we feel we can trust. To rely on each other to fulfill needs for love, comfort, companionship, etc. The problem is that humans suffer at the hands of humans in so many ways from the time we are young. Thinking becomes distorted, belief systems become irrational and patterns of behavior become dysfunctional. As a child we want to believe our parents are perfect and even as we begin to see they are not, we still hold onto a need for them to be trusted with our hearts and well being. Unfortunately, they aren't always able to remain trusted. One of the hardest things for us to do in life is to accept when people are no longer 'whole'.  We have expectations of them behaving as if they are whole, well balanced, loving, parents (or substitute in there sibling, spouse). Ideally we 'should' be able to have these expectations. But reality is sometimes that is not a rational for us and only sets us up for continued disappointment if they have shown themselves in the past to have issues. The rational thing for us to do is to look at them as wounded and unhealed and with reasonable expectations based on history. History is a predictor of the future.

 

It is universally understood by all humans (including those who have never had kids) that the loss of a child is the worst thing that can happen to a human. Someone even sent me this quote last night: "A person who loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent who loses a child, because the loss is like no other." So for anyone to compare their loss to ours (loss of dog, grandmother, parents, siblings, etc) is bizarre and an example of human flaws. We are fallible so if people do this and then quickly return to apologize for having done it, we can forgive and write it off to brain fart. It's when they don't that we must realize "wow, they either truly believe that OR they are too embarrassed by themselves to do the right thing and apologize which says something  about them that in the midst of my loss they put themselves first".  Either way they don't "get it" - they don't get the most important thing we are meant to do while here is to show love. They operate from the "I" place most of the time vs. knowing that there is a time and place for "i" and time for others and no place for "but"  or "what about me" when focused on others. Humility.

 

The worst thing in the world has happened to all of us. Nothing else could happen that would be worse. We all know that. While we must remain here as our children are angels we have nothing to lose by weeding out those who are toxic or otherwise taking from whatever energy we have left if their negatives outweigh their positives. There are so many wonderful loving humans we can invite into our space and time here. Those who lift us and us them. Balance.

 

Sorry if this is too long but I won't write for months and then out comes this.  I miss my boy so much as each of you miss yours. My heart is broken for my boy having to know he was dying, for myself having to see and feel his pain as his mother and now selfishly for myself having to live without him. It's excruciating and cruel. And my heart breaks all over again if that's even possible after being shattered each time I read of each of your losses. It's wrong.

 

Thank you all for being such wonderful support to each in this community. I'm forever grateful to each of you.

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KATE;   So very sorry I missed JEFF's birthday.  I pray he surrounded you with his wonderful spirit...turning the TV on?  Likely.  I am so sorry to hear of the garden falling into the lake, but you have a good attitude toward it.  I am glad you are having the bench moved back. 

 

To all:  I have been so busy with life these last few weeks, from good things to bad things to in-between things, but managing to wake up each day with hope for more of the good.  Davis has committed himself into detox and rehab...first time on his own.  Hope springs in my heart that this time he will make it.  However, he called me on Monday evening to tell me that he had two more days of detox, and then, instead of staying on for the 28 day inpatient treatment, he was coming home, had it all planned out, outpatient treatment, etc., blah, blah blah.  My heart sank.  I just told him that I hoped he was doing the right thing for himself.   

Then, yesterday, Tuesday, I saw a medium that I had been on her wait list for almost three months to see, and one of the things she mentioned was that my husband was "saying" that "one of our grandchildren is having problems; substance problems," and that my husband (who was a dad to Davis) "is holding him close, asking for prayers for him, and that Davis has touched the bottom, finally, and is on his way through this and seeing things differently."  My heart was heavy with the conversation I'd had with Davis the previous evening, about leaving treatment.   A few hours after I got home from the meeting with the medium, Davis called, in tears, to tell me that he was going into the 28 day program to "finish this" and "turn my life around." I believe.  And I hope, continuously.  And I pray, fervently.

 

I send my love and prayers to all of you...and so very sorry to see yet more new parents here, so very sadly steeped in the loss of your child.  My heart aches for you, and my mind prays for you; for comfort, strength, and hope.  It sounds odd to say "I wish you hope" when you've just had the most devastating of losses...that of your child.  And yet, as others here will tell you, there is indeed hope...hope for joy again, hope for the day when a memory will bring less tears and more smiles.  This will happen.  It may seem like a far-off, if not impossible, fantasy, but it will come.  There will come the day when you are thinking more of their LIFE than of the day they left this earth.  That is what they want us to do...to allow our heart to fill with the good memories that bring the smiles to our lips...there will always be tears...but that joy will become more evident and this will make our children very happy to see this. 

Dee has said in the past "Come, walk in the footprints of those of us who have gone before you..."  Those of us here longer do this...leave our footprints of our journey for you to follow in...  Trudi, who lost her beautiful son Micheal, once wrote "I want his life to be more than the day that he died."  This is the goal of all of us, and we will reach it; we will. 

 

Love to all...always in my prayers. 

 

this is a picture of Davis:   

 

 

post-269798-0-55000100-1405583631_thumb.

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karenthiemermann

Kalikama- I'm having similar issues with my mom. I guess in her own way, she's thinking of me, but she hasn't been here to see me, or said anything about her granddaughter who just so recently left us: 1 week ago yesterday. I remember when my brother passed on, how terribly sad she looked when my little sister and I arrived at her home after the news and she broke down with us. But she just told me a few days ago that the quicker I get myself busy and distracted, the better off I'll feel. She said going to work was all she wanted to do.

 

I'm retired, so I don't have to think about going back to work. Last week, sometime Friday  morning, I was able to get up and bake bread, a passion of mine, and spend some time doing chores. It lasted till Sunday night.

 

She didn't even call me or let me know she was thinking about me during the service, either. Maybe in her own mind, she just has a different way of grieving--I don't know. So I feel you when it comes to your mom.

 

Mikesmomrs- Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm grateful that I've found footsteps to follow here. Hope seems elusive in a way still. Even though I know I have it tucked away in my soul somewhere. My other 3 children need me now more than ever--especially, Michelle's twin brother, Michael. So I pray for that hope to come alive soon for me. Your kind words of compassion are ever so meaningful to me.

 

Shorty16-  The forget-me-not flower seeds seemed like a nice idea; I'm glad I found someone else who thinks so. My sister is getting the little heart-shaped paper embedded with seeds and my husband is designing the cards. My hope is to have a nice "memento" of Michelle to send out to family and friends.

 

To everyone here: Thanks to all of you for such kindness and love. My baby girl lives on!

 

Karen

 

* here is a picture of Michelle and her twin brother, Michael when they were about 4 yrs. old.  

 

post-396086-0-95424300-1405596971_thumb.

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I'm not sure who all said there was comparing going on, but there is no comparing of grief.  Everyone grieves differently.  I still grieve the loss of my grandfather and that was 7 1/2 years ago.  I think there wasn't much time for grief because my 2nd daughter was born just 3 days later.  No, not a child, but I loved him beyond measure.  And if my grandmother passed (his wife)...I would be devastated.  She's been here for me in more ways than one.  And it breaks my heart that she had a small stroke when she was here because of all the stress.

 

With that said, grief has many stages and I'm learning that more and more.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't on yesterday.  Wednesday's are my appointment days.  I start with the massage therapist/chiropractor to try and alleviate my jaw pain.  Then on to see my counselor.  Then yesterday, I added on the dentist to get a custom mouth guard done.  In amongst appointments, I was getting a few groceries and checking on my baby's 'night lights' to make sure they were on.

 

Thinking of all of you!

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