Loss of an Adult Child

[zachysmom]

Mary Ann, I did download the book and read your son's story...I am not sure why some have that "knowing". His animal rescue work also spoke to my heart...Steve is a kind and gentle soul.

 

Zachy's mom: it seems like so many struggle with health issues, that intertwined with grief is sometimes more than we can bear. Will you daughter see a therapist? My daughter went for awhile...it did help some.

Elisha has started with a new therapist. I think it's a good match. Elisha needs someone who will hold her in check and I think Kristen will do fine. As for my health issues being a mom and wife I just keep going, that's just the way it is.

[rlolheiser]

colleen, my thoughts and prayers are with you, thinking of your angel Brian today and everyday

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen, you have been in my thoughts today. I hope that it was a day filled with many smiles and good memories as you remembered Brian and his youthful ways.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Colleen, I wanted to let you know that you and Brian have been in my thoughts today. I hope the day brought sweet memories for you and your family and you were able to feel Brian's presence in your heart. I tried to post earlier but my internet connection here is spotty and I got kicked off. I wanted you to know I lit a special candle here tonight for Brian. Thinking of you.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry for the good vibes being sent for tomorrow's event. It is thundering and lightning and raining now, hopefully we will not have as much rain as some areas have received though we did have standing water in the yard this morning after some late night rain last night. SO fingers crossed and lot's of good vibes.

The raspberry pie sounds devine.

I will be cutting up a lot of fruit in the morning for fruit salad, a giant black bean salad, a tomato, basil, mozzerella salad, as well as two peach cobblers to go along with the beef sandwiches and pizzas that we will set out. Folks will bring things to add to our table which is always great.

 

Susan, I so liked the way your words sounded earlier today about the juxtaposition of the soft memories and the heart wrenching ones. Indeed, a foot in two worlds. on the 14th, it will be 4015 days since Erica left. A lifetime ago/ a day ago.

 

Goodnight All, may there be sweetness in your dreams tonight. We can't see the supermoon due to the storms moving across the area but some of you are probably looking at it right now.

[shorty16]

Thanks my Indigo family for remembering my Brian

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....the first thing I thought of this morning was your Erifest....and the weather in your area....

wishing I could blow all that rain down to Texas....and in doing so....could give you a sunshine filled cloudless day for you and your Girl....

 

Well....we all know we can't do that....but...I can still pray and wish for you and yours that our care..consideration...thoughts and support can be felt in your heart.....miles and miles away.....

 

as you CELEBRATE that Wild Child Girl....her Strong Spirit.....

   after all.....she did create that enormous Eri Cloud.....to show she was passing in her own way and style....

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

As usual, the days leading up to the event are harder than the event itself. Our day was low key and calm.

We used to go to Sussex Lions Days. But, since Brian died, it is too hard to see his friends grow into men and women. The driver lives in Sussex, we try to avoid the area. Still not ready to face that either. I guess we are in an avoidance-mode.

Trista's Mom. I think of you often and really know what you are experiencing. You are in your second year. Sometimes, the second year can be harder than the first, it was for me. It seems, only time brings relief. A lot of it. Please know, my Brian is hanging with Trista and showing her all the ropes. I cannot guarantee all ropes are what we would approve, but ropes non the less.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

Dee

Happy Eri-Fest.

Scott and I drove to Eri-Fest a couple years ago. Dee displayed the banners we made of our angels. I met many of her family and friends. Beautiful home, garden-like yard, and great company.

It is beautiful in NE Milwaukee, sure hope Chicago is the same.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan and Col, it is absolutely beautiful outside, the clouds have been showed the door, and blue skies (heaven) and decent temps have come to our area. HOORAY! Eri loved a party so here we will have one. I am done chopping and mixing and what not, so shower and off to the store for one more thing and to pick up the balloons. We did not do the dove shaped eco friendly ones this year, maybe next year though. Just 19 pink and one white for peace. Notes with eri's photo on it to write a  wish to her and tie them on and let them go after a gathering and listen to 3 birds by Marley. Oh my Girl, I hope you are smiling at all the ways we carry you forward and all the ways you assist kids at Lincoln. Col, it was a nice thing to have you here at ERi-fest, you have a standing invite as you know.

[Mermaid Tears]

Who knows....maybe it was all of us praying for that 'Sunny Day'.....maybe Eri parted the clouds....after all....we know she has the 'Power of Clouds' ....makes my heart happy that 'one of us' on this site made it to Eri's Party...

 

 

 

We had a very sad funeral yesterday.....a boy...Jr. High age.....died from leukemia....he was diagnosed in December 2012....the family went to Houston, of course.....the Dr.'s were optimistic about his progress....he was in treatment....all signs positive.....then.....last December....it started going downhill ....and then....the family was told....there was nothing left to do....his funeral was at the High School.....once again....our Texas town 'circled the wagon' around the family....my heart has a lot of gratitude for the love and support our community gives to our grieving families.....

   we know the dark days ahead for this family.....I am going to give it a month....and then I will contact them....for now I know...only a grieving parent knows how hard the journey is....

[ericasmom]

Susan, many prayers for that family and wishes for that young man to feel joyously well in heaven. Oh yes, the pain they must go through now is bigger than any words.

I just finished reading; The Fault in Our Stars, by John Greene. Cried and laughed at the superb writing. It is considered a YA, young adult but many adults read it and responded as I am. It was really well written if not a bit over the top in some areas but due to the characters that you fall in love with, you can forgive it. It is about two teens and cancer.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thinking of you and hoping that your day was filled with smiles and laughter as you celebrated the life of your lovely Eri.

 

Susan, I am so saddened to hear of the loss of another young life. I am thinking of his family and know that with the help of surrounding family and friends they will find the strength to cope. 

 

Colleen, not sure what is happening up here...glad to hear your weather is good. I actually have had to turn the heat on today. It is now 12C (55F?) I can not stress how unusual and serious this is. This planet is about to teach us all a lesson. Never in my life have I experienced weather like this at this time of year. Blankets on in July!!! One day it is nice and sunny and lovely... and then it turns on a dime. The extremes are scary. Dramatic storms that blow up from nowhere. Who knows what's ahead.

 

Thinking of everyone tonight and wishing you all a peaceful evening.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Colleen, not sure what is happening up here...glad to hear your weather is good. I actually have had to turn the heat on today. It is now 12C (55F?) I can not stress how unusual and serious this is. This planet is about to teach us all a lesson. Never in my life have I experienced weather like this at this time of year. Blankets on in July!!! One day it is nice and sunny and lovely... and then it turns on a dime. The extremes are scary. Dramatic storms that blow up from nowhere. Who knows what's ahead.

Kate, my daughter mentioned that there was some kind of vortex?? which was supposed to bring through some very cold temperatures...you must be experiencing it first up there...such odd weather...

***********************

Dee, wishing you a day full of comfort and celebration of Eri's life...

**********************

Shannon, Wondering how your vacation is going...

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Wade, sending prayers your way...

***********************

Thinking of all of the Indigos who post here...wishing everyone a restful evening...

 

 

[SamDsmom]

Colleen,

Im so sorry I missed BRIAN'S day. I hope you are doing well.

Dee,

Thinking of you as tomorrow approaches. Remembering Erica.

Wade,

Hope you are doing ok. Thinking of your family.

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Thanks All, it was a beautiful day, filled with lovely people and wonderful laughter and so so many little ones. More every year. It really was terrific. Erica shined her light all over the place today. Once everyone left and husband, bless his hard working heart, went to bed, I went out to have a moment alone in the lantern lit yard to speak with Erica and to bring the lanterns in in case of rain in the morning. Well I miss-stepped and fell down hard with my left foot under me. I have iced it but oh boy. I  may have either sprained it or worse...OW! But oh, what a great day.

[karenthiemermann]

Hello everyone. I'm brand new to this group. I just lost my Michelle on July 9, 2014. I still don't know exactly what I'm doing, yet. Feeling like I'm just really sick, but I'm not. It is all so surreal still. I'm reaching out for support, to all of you who have been through this.  The heavy sobbing and shaking has stopped. I'm unable to travel so I can't even attend her funeral. I'm really quite devastated and emotions are flying around like crazy. I really don't know what to do.

 

I just noticed that the posting time is wrong. It's 7:23am, July 14, 2014. I'm adding on to this, as I was just trying to make my bed and get dressed, and make my husband's coffee, and I just can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing from one second to the next. Her funeral is tomorrow in Indiana. Her twin brother, Michael, older brother, Chuck, , younger sister, Bonnie, and stepdad are all 

together having a bittersweet reunion without me--her mother. I am lost.

 

I finally figured out how to fix it--the time, I mean. Now, I'm supposed to be doing my exercises and cleaning my house, but I keep putting it off. Digging deep for strength. 

[Jeff's Mom]

Karen and Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you have had to find this place, but also glad that you did. The people here will offer support and understanding when you most need it. We are all walking this path together. These first few months are a daze of pain and denial. Anger, panic, all emotions run rampant as we try to come to terms with what has happened. It is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part to get through this stage of grief. Keep posting and know that we are here for you. Kate

[karenthiemermann]

Thank you, Kate. I'm crying again right now. I know there is strength somewhere. I will keep posting and praying. Thanks again.

[mysonrich]

Kate our weather man is calling for a cold front to come through . he did mention that we should not expect any woolly mammoth on the front lawn in the next couple of days. that's a good thing. Dee,I hope nothing is broken I took a fall at the end of this last winter of all things my foot became entangled in the hood of my winter coat which was draped across the chair ready for the wash for a couple of days with a broken toe good to hear that Eri Fest went well.

[ericasmom]

Karen, you are brand new to this loss. Even though you may not feel that you are in shock, your body and mind are in shock, will be for some time though in layers. You will shed the shock in layers. Shock in no ways means not knowing what is real or not real, it simply is a defense mechanism to allow you to slowly find your bearings. I am 11 years out from Erica's death, 11 today. Surreal is a word I still use. Don't be afraid of my saying that, I found ways to carry Erica into each day soon after she died, but time and calendars make so much less concrete sense anymore. Making coffee and making a bed are things we thought were routines we could do without thinking, but our minds hearts and spirits take a huge and devastating hit when we lose a Child, and with respect to mind/body connectiveness, we really almost have to learn things over. I liken it to a stroke of the whole system. We have parts of us that feel blacked out, unreachable. Keep posting and don't worry about learning our names or our Children's names right now, that will come to you as you move forward and I promise, you will move forward. There will be days, weeks where yo feel that all you have done is move backward...but we do have to do that in order to fully grieve. Grief and mourning is not a linear process, it is an up and down and inside out pathway, we are here on that same road only a little further ahead of you leaving our footfalls for you and others to find. Just know that we are always here adn we are a group that really get all the phases you will be going through.

As far as not being able to travel...is your health at risk? I am so sorry for this terrible loss to your family and sorry that you cannot be there for the funeral which must be very hard on your heart. We are holding on to you.

[katibug98]

I'm new here too.  Betsy suggested that I come over to this thread.

 

My 4yo grew her wings on May 6th and I miss her like crazy.  She was my shadow and snuggle bug.  Of my 3 girls, she had my love language...physical touch.  She molded into me like she was meant to be there.

 

I still find myself denying that she's gone, making things seemingly 'easier', but have recently thrown in anger along with the neverending question of WHY??

 

This 'club' sucks.  I don't wish it for ANYone.  And living in a small town, most people know me and they either look at me and walk away not knowing what to say *I get that...I really do!*  Or they ask me how I am.  Some just chit-chat about life in general which is almost better than asking how I am.

 

My older girls start back to school on August 11th.  I'm not sure when I will be heading back to work, but probably around the same time.

[ericasmom]

Oh Katie, so sorry to find a new to this road Momma on this road, two in one day, you and Karen. The loss is HUGE, and yes, anger is a big part of the loss of our Babies and depending on how our Kiddo left this earth, the anger can be longer lasting. As said to Karen and as you are finding out, grief is non-linear, we revisit stages at different times in our grief. Tell us more about you and Cora, and your two girls at home with you. How are they dealing with losing their little Sis? There is nothing easy about this, we however get it. We won't be frightened off by the facts of your losses, and we are here as testament that life will move forward one day, in a new way. Hold On.

 

[karenthiemermann]

I wrote to Michelle this morning on her FB group page. Somehow, it seems OK to talk to her. I am dragging myself around, trying to get things done around the house as my sister will be visiting tomorrow. I find I have to take many breaks from what I'm doing as I can't remember exactly WHAT it is that I'm doing. I have several projects started and nothing finished.

 

My book arrived today, "A Grace Disguised", by Jerry Sittser. I'm hoping to get something out of it.

 

Right now, It feels like I will never find joy again.

 

God bless my baby girl!

[karenthiemermann]

Dee,

Yes, my health is at risk. I have a neurological disorder that requires someone to assist me. Flying to Indiana from Austin, Tx. would be nearly impossible and no one can go with me right now.

 

My sister is coming up from San Antonio tomorrow, to be with me at the time of the service.

 

I don't get much from my mother, who is 84, and thinks I just need to ' buck-up'.

 

I'm doing what I can, not having a manual about dealing with this horrid pain. That's why I reached out to this forum; because I knew that all of you 'get it'.

 

Thanks, so much, Dee. Just really feeling lost. 

[daveydow1]

ERI....ERZ......ERICA.  SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU ALWAYS.

Smile down from your perfect pink clouds in heaven, and warm your mom's heart.

 

 

Dee----

thought about you yesterday when the ERI-FEST was held. Glad that it

was so nice.  Thinking of you today.....ERI's  Angel Day.

 

Karen---I'm sorry for your loss of your dear daughter Michelle.  There is nothing

that I could say that could ease your pain at this early stage on this rough and

painful journey, but  I hope you can come back to this site. It can help to know that

there are others who know, firsthand, the grief that you now have. Peace to you.

 

 

Katie-----

I'm sorry for you loss of your sweet little daughter Cora.....a terrible

loss to bear.  There are others who come on this site who have also lost

small children. I know that it can be too much to bear this loss.  Please come

back to this board, and when you are able, tell us about you little girl. We're

here to listen to all who mourn the death of a beloved child. 

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Dee------Yikes....sorry about your fall. Take care of your foot. With

TLC, I'm hoping that it will mend soon.

[Guest]

 

Erica, Erica, Erica....

Dee, I hope you feel the presence of your girl today.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

For you Dee...

 

 

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Will post more later...

 

 

[Kalikama]

Hate these kind of days--they start out seemingly good.  Thinking of all the things I might do.  Then the mail comes.  We received an  invitation to one of Ethan's boss's wedding--the one he lived with the first 4 months in Louisville.  It was SO sweet and kind of them to include us.  Tears :'( .  Then  we got nearly $1000 back from the dealership in Louisville that he had leased his car from. More tears. :'(  Then, I go on FB and find out that a former colleague lost her cancer battle, last night. Downpour :'(.  Another friend is taking her daughter to the funeral of a girl who was a year ahead of Ethan at school, who also died from a heroin overdose.  Tsunami of tears :'(.  Once they start, even over good stuff, I can't get them to stop. 

 

Thank you for starting this page.  I have wonderful friends and a huge support system, but I never feel like anyone wants to answer the phone to a crying person.    This is one place I can go and cry and "talk" at the same time..

 

I think the weather is not making it better--it is very gloomy here, in Michigan, after it started out being sunny. I don't handle gloomy weather well.  

 

So all that I thought I MIGHT do today, hasn't happened, yet.  Nobody is home and I'm taking advantage of "we grieve alone; we heal together".   My husband doesn't know what to do when I cry, so it does help to try to "get it out of my system" so he doesn't have to deal with my grief as well as his own.

 

Here's to hoping the day perks up, somewhat.  I need to get over to visit my elderly mother and brother will dementia.  Hope your day is better than mine.

[lovU2themoon]

Thinking of you Dee today on Eri's angel date.

 

New people on this site again, thinking of you as you travel this journey, many caring heart here to listen and hold your hand. 

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I'm so happy that you had such a beautiful day for Eri-Fest and it all turned out so nice. I'm so sorry to hear about your foot. I hope you heal fast. I wanted you to know that you and Erica have been in my thoughts today. I hope you were touched by her beautiful Spirit. Sending you love and prayers today. 

 

[Sholl1955]

Dee,

Thought of you today.   I hope you felt ERi close to you.   I hope your foot/ankle isn't injured seriously.

Have a good evening.

 

Sandy

[lovU2themoon]

I am not sure if any of you are facebook friendly, but i have created an event in honour of Lanes 17 years on earth extending till the day he left this earth.

If you want to take part or show your support, by having a solar light in your garden, flower bed that reminds you of my Lane. Or one that reminds you of 

all our children. Take a picture of it post it on his event page or here. 

You should be able to just copy and past the url into your search line. 

 

Wanda, Lanes mom

 

 

 

 

https://www.facebook.com/events/461328477337539/?ref_newsfeed_story_type=regular

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Lori, Laurie, Sandy, Sherry and Wanda and Shannon, for the good thoughts for this hard day. I am okay, just so relieved that yesterday was so kind to us in the way of weather and friends/family. Eri is definitely smiling. And probably laughing at the way I fell off the deck stairs.

I went to the ER  with husband to get an xray, so odd to be int he hospital on this day but my foot got so swollen I had to make sure of it. No break so that is good but it is a severe sprain, and it takes a while to heal. I have a soft brace on it, hoping that I heal quickly now. Could be weeks she said, before I feel a good deal of relief. What a graceful girl I am...kidding.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, sorry to hear about your mishap. Very happy to hear that it was not broken. Still pretty sore regardless. Take it easy and rest up.

 

Wanda...will do.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, I would be interested...thinking I can get to it tomorrow or the next...

 

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To our newcomers, I am sorry for the loss of your precious children....this group has helped me so much this past year...what Dee has posted has been so true for me...grief is something that is not linear and in early mourning, everything is a state of confusion and a blur...I do not even remember the first three months except for staying close to our woodstove...

 

 

 

[katibug98]

Wanda, I already have 4 solar butterfly lights in my garden along with 1 little girl holding a butterfly *solar* and various solar lights.  They were put up for Cora.  I would be happy to think of them for all of our children who left this earth too early.

 

A little about me.  I'm a mom and a preschool teacher.  That about sums up me. 

 

My Cora?  Sweet, mischievous little 4 year old.  My girls all looked different to some degree even having come from both myself and their father.  My oldest has dark black hair and deep brown eyes with olive complexion, my middle kiddo is light brown hair with hazel colored eyes, and my Cora...dirty blonde hair with blue eyes.  She just had her birthday March 18th.  We all came down with strep throat Palm Sunday.  We were all 4 of us put on antibiotics that Monday.  We celebrated Easter and by Tuesday, my oldest daughter wasn't feeling well.  She was dizzy and having difficulty walking/pain in her legs.  Wednesday, my Cora popped a fever...again, which was accompanied by a cough and what appeared to be post nasal drip.  Thursday, I took Cora for her 4 year well child exam.  They couldn't find a temp on her until they did an unusual temp spot for a 4yo.  She proved to be a smart little girl.  They recommended alternating ibuprofen and tylenol.  That night, I took my 11yo in to urgent care for her legs and they knew they wouldn't be able to test her/diagnose her, so I drove her down to the children's hospital 3 hours away.

 

My younger two stayed home with their dad.  I was with my oldest in the hospital through Sunday afternoon.  I had checked in on Cora off and on all weekend.  By the time I got home Sunday evening, Cora was basically lifeless on the couch.  Grey and unresponsive.  I didn't receive my normal "Momma!"  I took her to the ER, they immediately took her back, put oxygen on her, started an iv, intubated her, put in other lines and finally mercy flighting her to the same hospital I had just come back from.  Her diagnoses was pneumonia, she was septic, strep A and RSV.  By the end of the week, she had developed a hole in her lung.  If I did nothing, she would have died.  If I agreed to the ECMO procedure, there was a chance of death.  We proceeded with the ECMO and we started to see progress and healing.  Tuesday morning *very early...around midnight* the doctors were waking me to tell me that she had bleeding on the brain...a complication that was possible with the ECMO.  She had only been in the hospital a week.  One week.

 

My otherwise healthy and smart little girl, was gone!  I miss my baby.  Terribly.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Some asshole put a bullet hole in our sign! I called the state police, they went down there for all of 5 minutes and were gone. They also shot a hole through the stop sign, and tried to shoot our big 4 x4 Jared sign, but it only made a slight ding in that one, as it has treated plywood behind it. Shame it didn't richochet and hit them! Ridiculous!!

[rlolheiser]

welcome to our new members.. the club that nobody wants to belong to, but you definitely in the right place..  a place to just speak your mind, your feelings, your fears, your sorrow and your joys.. yes there is some joy yet to be felt, and with the help of our angels and the parents of our angels, we survive.

 

Dee, thinking of you, today..  as I do everyday, glad you had a nice day.. though I am sorry you fell, glad your not hurt to very  badly and I hope you heal fast.  

 

Not much happening here, trying to get the week in shape for my daughter to leave again for her visit with her son.

 

I did find our that my next great grandbaby is a girl..  

 

wishing all of you a peaceful week

[shorty16]

Kalikama,

It is perfectly ok to do nothing today but cry.

Please remember, this is a very long journey, the beginning being the worst. Are you considering going to the wedding?

Be kind to yourself. Our energy level is not what it used to be.

I still go into each day kicking and screaming that I want my Brian back. But after my temper tantrum is over, I put my big girl pants on and face the day. In the beginning, the big girl pants do not fit and do not even resemble pants. Nothing in our lives is recognizable anymore. We almost have to learn to live in this new life without our kids.

I know this sounds weird, but it comes from someone who cares.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[shorty16]

Welcome Cora's Mom

You found us.

We are a great group of people trying to survive the greatest loss.

Welcome

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Dee.....you have been on my mind...yesterday....with the EriFest....and today....knowing how that Mama Clock stopped on this day....

 

You have heard the term being between a rock and a hard place...

I have been between a wall of people...North..South...East and West....

 

but I did ponder some things I was thinking.....

you have been on this site for 11 years.....

and now I do believe your Eri Girl does shine over and from you....

....for 11 years....you have been giving us...your words...strength..insight...wisdom...spirit...

I can only imagine how many you have reached out for....throwing them a life raft...when they were drowning in their grief..

to hold on...

    for me....you reached out to me....and there was this one incident...when the site was 'down'....or something was going on...and I panicked....and ....you were there....

     I do believe the bond between you and Eri shines....I do believe you feel her...

and I do believe you stand in her light....

and with both of you....know where to put that light on the path that is so dark for others...

she is a part of you..

you are a part of her...

....I do know that she knows....that what ever you do...you are doing for and with her....

it is beyond what I can write about....for it is something that I feel deep in my Texas heart that is very real....

 

So sorry about that strained ankle.....but I know that you will 'self care'....

    so happy that Eri parted all the clouds...so her Mama and loved ones could have that 'Sunny Day'.....

  I guess if I could send a song...it would be that Bruce Springsteen song...' Looking for a Sunny Day' to you...on this day...

   maybe Laurie can post it from me to you...and all on this site...

knowing we all could use some 'Sunny' in our lives....

[karenthiemermann]

Another long, long day. Tomorrow is her funeral, and I won't be there. I feel the abyss opening up wider, to suck me in. I thought I was doing semi-OK. I went to church yesterday; visited friends with my husband; ate more than I have since the news; but I didn't sleep at all and found myself out on the patio at all hours. I went back to bed, and slept from 4am to 5 am; got up and made coffee; brushed my teeth and washed my face; went outside to pray-but I felt another wave. I came back inside and cried--a lot. I felt sick all day and tried to eat a few bites for lunch. It just didn't taste good. 

 

The funeral is tomorrow and I won't be there due to my health issues. My remaining children, including her twin brother, are together up there. I'm grateful for that yet feel guilty for not being there.

 

Minor chores seemed insurmountable today. I just never "got it together". My sister is coming up to be with me tomorrow during the service. She wants to have a ceremony here-for me. She's even bringing food, and I have to say I am grateful for so many reasons. My brother called and was concerned. He said he wished he were here to hug me. I talked to my mom, who thinks I just need to "be strong." But I'm not, nor can I see a time when I will be.

 

I didn't finish chores. I just felt too drained and weak. What I did do was join this forum, and I'm glad I did. Y'all know firsthand what this is all about.

 

I fear another sleepless night is ahead and I need to eat something. I will try as best I can to do both. Michelle would not want to see me this way at all.

 

So, thank you, all of you, for replying to my posts. I need your hands to hold right now.

[Kalikama]

Karen--I can't imagine how lost you must feel with your whole family at the funeral and you unable to attend.  My heart aches for you that you cannot be there. Will you have a memorial service where you live, so you can attend?  Your daughter was so beautiful.  These first few weeks are so bad--there are things you will never remember and things you will never forget.  It takes awhile to develop a new normal--a year or two.  15 years ago I had to do it and on April 7th I had to start it all over again.  I wish I had a site like this 15 years ago.  It has really helped me, since I found it.

[katibug98]

Karen~I agree with Kalikama...is there a way to do a memorial there where you are?  I would imagine that would help immensely!  My heart hurts for you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...so happy that Eri parted all the clouds...so her Mama and loved ones could have that 'Sunny Day'.....

  I guess if I could send a song...it would be that Bruce Springsteen song...' Looking for a Sunny Day' to you...on this day...

   maybe Laurie can post it from me to you...and all on this site...

knowing we all could use some 'Sunny' in our lives....

[ericasmom]

 

And I send this song to Everyone in Eri's memory and in the love and memories you have for and with your Beloved Children.

 

Susan thank you for your words, it is fully what I feel and believe and know in my soul. Eri sends her light and I try to revolve around her to cast it as a moon, as her satellite. She has so much to lend. My hope has always been to be able to use what I have learned first hand, first heart, through this loss as a means to help the next person up. It seems there lies one of the reasons that I am here. It takes time to find the footing that you are going to have and as we go we change our footing to adapt to the changes in our lives outside this giant loss. We get a new job, we have new children born to the family, we deal with cancer or the taking care of our parents, or siblings. We change and adapt and the loss of our Dearest is there sometimes making it very hard to deal with more and sometimes, making us know that we can acclimate when we must. Tears are a strength really, a way to release the tension that we don't even always know exists.

 

I will self care yes, I went to the hospital and had xrays and am now going to bed, a bad sprain. Ouch but okay, I will treat it gently in hopes of healing fully.

 

Thanks for the song Susan and Laurie. I will listen and enjoy the meaning that lay in his lyrics.

 

Becky, how terribly sad to see a bullet hole in the sign. How terribly mean-spirited.

Leah, thanks for your thoughts on Erica's angelversary.

 

Goodnight All, those who have been here a long long time, and those brand new this week and everyone in between.

 

[ericasmom]

Kate, thanks so much for your well-wishes. Your cool Canadian air is sweeping in tonight, lovely.

 

Katiebug and Karen and Kalikama, Lord knows the ache you are all suffering. Let the tears fall when they come, there is no end to them so hiding them is futile and they are not shameful and neither are they a sign of weakness, they are instead, proof of our broken hearts. tears are normal in this new place you find yourselves. Be kind to yourselves and remember that those who do not walk in these worn ruts that we traverse have no real idea of what it is like, so when suggestions come, well...they just don't get it. Ask folks in a nice way to save their comments for now, and when they say they don't know what to say to you, tell them silence is fine, a strong hug and no words speaks volumes.

I think your sister coming to help you make a mark on this sad day tomorrow is a perfect way to also be there. Not going is what your Girl needs as she knows that travel will not be in your best interest but yes, we can all guess at how painful it is for you.

 

Peace to you all as you share your lives and the lives of your Children. I must go to bed but will comment more tomorrow.

 

 

[Guest]

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