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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hi all,

I am looking out on a blue-sky calm Saturday. Today one of Erica's best friends, Melissa, will marry. We are going to the wedding and reception. I wish Meliss so much goodness. When the two of them would hang out we used to say that they were like Rommi and Michele. (the movie) Eri and Melissa got in some major trouble together, but oh they were funny. It was as though they used a shared portion of their brains when together, leaving out the common sense part, hence getting into trouble. I know that Erica will be there too, beaming along in joy of Melissa; an Angel of Honor.

 

Debbie, I too loved those photos of your Sam. Treasures when others find photos we never saw before. Better than gold.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Kate....PLEASE....copy and keep your message....who knows ? Later....someone who has been whipped around by the winds of change..'bad things happen to good people'...adversity....while on the grief trip.....will need to read that...

THANK YOU for sharing your journey...thank you for your message of hope when bad luck...bad roads...bad people...bad timing...bad days...come to roost in our lives.

   Applause for you and Ross....and I agree....you made some good decisions when that fork in the road came...

 

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Mermaid Tears

Wade....so sorry to hear that Renea lost her job....it could just be that 'orders' from the top came to trim employees....

Daniel was a Big Boss in Schlumberger....one of the best companies in the world to work for....he would have anywhere from 100 to 60 employees working under him....they are all engineers....anyway.....sometimes with the fluctuations of the oil business...he would get orders from the Big..Big..Big Bosses....to trim 10% of his division....

it was so hard.....for we would get to know his employees....their children....go to their weddings...be there when the first child was born....

  I was in charge of throwing the parties/get togethers....the last Christmas party in New Orleans was held at the House of Blues...there was a lot of good fun....

but...when it came time to pick and choose 'who must go'...it was agonizing..for him and me, too....and it did not have anything to do with job performance....

many times....then when things got turned around....he would be trying to hire them back...

and he would even tell them that....that he would probably be calling them back when he would have to tell them they were 'let go'....

    I can only know that when adversity hits when you are on the grief journey...it gets black pretty quick....

please ....in this time....both of you practice...'care...courtesy..consideration' for each other and hold on to each other...and as Kate has said....another path...another door...another window...will open...and light will come to both of you...and you will see another opportunity open up.

   It is hard not to take this as personal....a defeat....but really....it is probably 'business by the numbers'.....

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Thank you, Everyone, for your kind words and support. Maryann, Thank you for the poem. Just been very raw. I have no attention span... it wasn't good before... now it's nonexistent. I am really irritable and I'm trying to let everyone around me know I don't mean to be. I had a big 'family issue' this morning, to do with my brother. I don't even have the energy to go into it but I dealt with it... on autopilot. Can't compare to how I'm feeling so it just was one more thing. I am going to spend the rest of my day resting as much as possible thinking of my Trista. I got some pretty flowers for her site and some new vases and I'm going spend some time out there tonight. Yesterday I went to get some prints made up of some pictures I had. I didn't have a lot of prints of recent pictures of any of the kids because everything was digital. I always planned to get prints but hadn't so I know have some. I have so much in my head and heart but my brain is on overload and can't even begin to put it into words. I just miss my girl so much. This day last year she was here... planning a trip to the waterpark with her friends, helping me with the wedding. I just miss my Girl so much. I am trying to focus on making tomorrow a day of celebrating her life and the time we had with her. I know my Tris and she would never want the focus of her life story to be tragedy. I just want my Baby.

 

Wade, I'm so sorry. Sending you and Renea prayers. Hang on.

Some pictures...

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Playing in the puddles after a rain

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At the pet store with friends... she said... send my mom this picture and maybe she'll let me have the bunny!

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Made by one her friends for me... Trista and Aiden

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True Love...

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Me and Trista

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Tris and her kitty, Sailor

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Church bells are ringing right now Shannon, those same bells I hear so often, and when I was in the time frame that you are now in, I would just listen to the bells and think that they were the sound of my tears ringing through the town. I even sometimes wondered if anyone else heard them, maybe they were from Eri, just a message to me. YOu are at a critical time in this trajectory. It is so hard to know from minute ot moinute how you are going to be, so just allow yourself that freedom to just BE. Just be and know that we surround your heart as guardians, and the light of your life is sitting on your shoulder, feeling the in and out of you and she will stay close knowing that this must be a hard hard time for you and the family.

Peace Sweets

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Debbie, loved the new pics of Sam. I hope you enjoyed your Taco Bell. I still like to think that Sam, Cara, Jesse and the others hangout. Taco heaven, maybe?

Probably the whole gang is hanging at the Taco bar...

Jesse's Taco Bell wrappers are still on the floor of his last car, it is parked behind our house...along with his canned "cactus" - secret ingredient in many of his "recipes"...

Had a total meltdown today...

*********************

Mary Ann, thanks for sharing the poem for Shannon, knowing her first angel date for Trista is near...

Debbie, oh I know those feelings of running away...

**********************

...I just haven't felt like I been truly present in the "here"...

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Laurie,

I'm sorry that you are having a rough day. I am learning to hold on to you all. I know God is with me but I havenever felt so alone. I know Jesse is with all the other Taco lovers in heaven. I know Sam is laughing at me for continuing to eat there. I so understand the wrAppers and cactus juice. If I had control of my situation, I dont think I could have changed anything.

Dee hope you have a great day at the wedding. The new pic of little Erica is adorable.

Susan and Kate, thanks for sharing. I too have a similar story. I believe that when one door closes another opens.

Shannon,

You are on my heart today. I reAlly love the pictures. You can see Trista's kind soul in her eyes. My daughter sent me a picture this morning of some cloud formations. I immediately thought of you. Holding you in my heart.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Shannon, thank you for sharing the pictures of your Trista...know how much your heart aches for her, may you feel her spirit close to you during this time...

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....oh that 'Babydoll'....growing so fast....our Pebbie will be 11 years old on Monday....sigh....

 

We have two churches in town that rings bells....when I am in a certain part of town I can hear them...it brings a solitude of quiet to my 'back and forth' thinking...

 

Carol....glad to hear that Kim will be going home...and she has been in healing and restoration with her Mama...it doesn't get any better than that..I think the plane ride will be better all around...get her there quick...and she will not have to deal with weather/roads/traffic.....

 

Cherry....I am so happy that you finally had a break-through kind of day....a break from the sadness...a break from the mourning...and music is something that transcends all cultures and languages...

 

Lora....you have Cara's angelversary coming up....and we are thinking of you....

 

Laurie...I think it is normal to have a distinct 'break' in how we communicate now...and how we could communicate before...with family and friends.....it isn't like learning a new language....for me.....I really didn't want to 'speak' to anyone...I felt like I was an animal that needed to slink to the woods and lick my wounds...and the need to 'cocoon'.....as time went on...I seem to have developed a 'new quiet' with this 'new normal'....or I needed more quiet....and....of course you are having meltdowns....you have had a lot on your plate...I think you should have quite a few....just to cry it all out. It is an outside your body and an inside your body kind of pain....it does need release.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

 

Shannon, know this day will be hard...wishing you peace and comfort... 
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I want to purchase necklaces to put some of Sam's ashes in for myself and my daughters. I've done some research and gave found conflicting opinions as to the type of metal that is best. I don't really trust anything most people tell me. Any advice?

Thanks

Debbie

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Jeff's Mom

Shannon...the photos are just lovely. Thank you for sharing. I know how difficult this next day is for you. Please try to focus on all that you have accomplished. You are still standing...that takes a huge amount of effort. You have hit rock bottom and surfaced. Again...HUGE courage. What does that tell you? You are a very strong woman that has been hit by the hardest loss that any woman could have experienced. Yet you have surfaced for air and continued. Trista would be "oh, so proud of you"! It takes a ton of courage to walk this walk and come out the other side. And you are doing it. Tomorrow as hard as it will be will be one of remembrance filled with love and many tears. But the joy you will find in your heart for having being mother to such a sweet and adorable child will give you the strength to continue as she would want. I am very proud of you. Tomorrow go out and celebrate that wonderful and exuberant life that you know so well. Sending love and huge "Hugs". Kate

Laurie, hold on. It takes time to work through this. Frustration can cause such stress and worry. Each of us has our own individual way of grieving. He needs his own space to accept the loss of his son. Have you tried sitting down and telling him honestly how you need his support? Opening up and listening to each other is a good start. "Together" you will find strength in working forward after your Jesse's loss. When someone we love is wrenched so quickly from our lives we are all in shock and denial. Anger, pain, frustration, the agonizing pleading to bring them back does not work. We are angry with God. Why me? Why us? Yet, Why not? Perhaps counseling together will allow you the opportunity to bring your pain out into the open. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time and the valued cocooning that we all cherish. I hate to say it... but one day at a time is the best way to approach this when things are so tense. Take a deep breath and just let it out and try to focus on tomorrow alone. That's it. Nothing more. Just tomorrow. Plan that day and focus on it. It works for me.

Oh my, going on ad nauseum...sending love and hope to all for a peaceful night. Love Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....I have been trying to compose some words....

and as you know....

words are all we have on this site....to connect...

I don't think there has not been an hour in my last 48 hours that I have not thought of you....

and your husband...your Nana....your Zak....your Aiden....

you are there....

in that circle....

and Trista....

I will compose something....I hope will be special for you and yours...

 

this is a hard part of the grief journey....

we are all travelers on it....

with you...

yes....we are on there with you...

and the path we walk...well...there are those markers....

please...for me....

wrap yourself in a warm blanket...

simple....

love yourself...your family...

simple...

know that we are here for you...

simple....

this day coming...

will not be simple...

but we are here for you.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I want to purchase necklaces to put some of Sam's ashes in for myself and my daughters. I've done some research and gave found conflicting opinions as to the type of metal that is best. I don't really trust anything most people tell me. Any advice?

Thanks

Debbie

I don't have any opinions as to what might be best...but I would be interested in what you come up with...I have some of Jesse's hair I would like to carry....

 

Kate, thanks for the kind words...just a rough kind of day with lots of bumps in it...hope Ross is doing okay...I am sure he likes the warmer weather to get out more...

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mybeautifulgirl

To Shannon,

I am thinking of you this day and my hope is that your love for your daughter will remain in your heart for always.

One year has gone by but I guess it just feels like yesterday.

The sadness doesn't go away does it? Your love for your daughter will not go away either.

I hope also that you will find peace during this day of memory.

Jan

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Shannon...

I hope this will make your hard days a little better.  Thinking of you, Nana, the boys...and, of course, Trista Mae.

 

 

Click on the title to make it bigger.

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TRISTA-- TRISTA-- TRISTA MAE--

 

Calling your name pretty Girl, in prayer and in hope that this one year mark sees you flying freely and fully. I know that you will visit with Momma while she sleeps tonight and be present with she and your brothers and Nana as much as possible. Give them all the sense of you Trista, they miss you so very much and they need to know taht you are there, that you hear them.

 

Your Momma has shared you with us Tris, and therefore Sweetie, we love you too. Dance with the other Angels today Dear.

 

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lovU2themoon

TRISTA TRISTA TRISTA YOUR MAMMA LOVES AND MISSES YOU!!

 

Shannon, thinking of you and your family. Sending huge huge hugs! 

 

 

 

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TRISTA, TRISTA MAE,

You are so loved. Surround your family with your presence, love and peace.

Shannon,

Holding you in my heart today.

Debbie

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The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, not touched, but are felt in the heart.

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Shannon, thinking of you, your family and your girl, Trista today.

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Trista, Trista , Trista, beautiful Trista

 

On your angelversarry, shower your earth home with the love that your family needs.

 

Tell the angels to make your Mommy feel so loved , your Nana and Aiden. They miss you so so much...

 

 

 

Shannon, may you have beautiful dreams of your princess Trista tonight.

 

 

 

Love and Hugs,

 

Kylie's Mommy- Mommy Cherry

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....many are thinking of you and yours today....

and we can only hope that Mother Nature...the Angels...the comfort of prayers...the circle of family and friends...God/Mother/Father of the Universe will be touching your heart with Grace and Mercy...and strength and stamina will be given to the heartbroken pieces of your heart and soul....and that you will find that tiny mustard seed of Faith to give you the comfort of Hope.

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Shannon,

I know this day is something out of a movie. You watch yourself acknowledged Trista's life, all the while dis-believing she is gone.

I celebrate Trista's life with you and shake my head in dis-belief both our children are gone.

May your memory of Trista go with you into your future.

Trista. Trista. Trista

We say their name

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Debbie

Our family purchased silver and sterling silver urn necklaces. We do have to polish the silver, and the sterling is nice.. we love them and have had no problems. We have had them for over 5 years.

Hope this helps?

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

 

Wanda, I sent a copy of that poem to my husband...it so describes the place I are in and was written in a way I think my husband can understand...time becomes so distorted, and for those around us, they have been able to carry on with life as they know it, as it should be, I would not wish this fate on anyone... 

 

That is why I continue to come here...for unless someone losses a child, they just cannot understand the magnitude of the impact...and I have never been one to put on a "face", I am much more somber now, and realize how temporary this all is...my focus has been on doing what counts and leaving the rest behind...and I have to ration my energy out because I do tire more easily and my thinking is not as clear and focused as it once was...

 

....I almost always have two dialogs running in my head now...what I am doing that involves the world around me and then my inner voice that is in conversation with Jesse, Taylor and God...

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 My first visit and post here:

I lost my baby boy age 25 year and 21 days in February.   He O.D in his apartment and my oldest son and I found him the next day. 

I feel as if I should have checked on him sooner or made him admit himself on that Friday. I found drugs in his apartment and we argued, he refused to go for help.  He had been to rehab 2 years before and was in counseling.  This was OD #5 that we are aware of in a 3 year period.  2 of them in a 3 week period.  

I can't get though a day without crying and falling apart,    Please tell me it gets easier to deal with in time.  

He came home from the military with issues and had gotten his life together with a good job, nice apartment, etc... when he fell off the wagon and obviously just couldn't get it together.

 

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Sailormom...

I am sorry for the loss of your son...obviously we know what you are going through.  I was told when I first came here to share that "it will get better."  Thinking back I don't think I believed it.  My whole world had shattered when I lost my only child.  I have since taken many steps backward, but also many steps forward.  I don't know if I have truly made up any ground on my grief, but there is some joy in my life.  I still cry every day...but I smile, too, because I was given a priceless gift when Brooks was born and I have thousands of memories to still keep me company.  It is now better, and that can be attributed to the love and wisdom that has been given to me by others here on this same journey.  Everyone here is like family now...I have bared my soul to people I have never met and I am a pretty private person, but that has been the only way I have survived...and now I still continue this journey, but with friends who are always by my side to catch me when I fall...and I have fallen more times than I can count.  Yet, I get up every day and face the day with the knowledge that my boy is still everywhere around me...in his many friends...pictures...the memories he left on his phone...lyrics and songs he recorded...his girlfriend and her children...my wife.  So, I will tell you that though you may think all is lost, you will find eventually find comfort.  I can't tell you how long it will take, but I can assure you that coming here and sharing your beautiful boy will help you find it sooner.

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A candle is now lit for you Beautiful Girl...and all of my thoughts are with your mom, brothers, and Nana.

 

Trista Mae...you lit up the world like you now light up heaven...

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Mermaid Tears

SailorMom....first I want to tell you how very sorry I am that you 'lost' your boy....I lost my boy in August 2012....and I am still in mourning....and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life....

please tell us about your boy....and it is hard to stand by and see your child...(when I say child...your child can be 2 years old or 50...they are still your child)...struggle...and addiction is just an evil beast...

We sometimes think we have such 'control' over our children....it comes from that Power Love we have for them...

but....we do not have super human control....we only have a super human love for our child...

all of us on this site can second guess til morning til....forever....it is normal to do that I think....

We don't have any answers for you....but we do share a common ground on this grief journey...

and your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....the pain you feel is because your heart is shattered...and only time...and 'self care'...(which you need to do...you must care for yourself...rest..and rest...drink fluids)...will give you a measure of comfort and healing....this is a long..hard journey....and no one gets a map or compass to travel it....we do have each other...and understand the sorrow in losing a child........Peace to you.

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a piece from Pablo Neruda's poem, Tonight I can write:

 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

 

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

 

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

 

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

 

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

 

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

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mikesmomrs

TRISTA...TRISTA...TRISTA...sweet girl, beautiful angel...rest in your mother's heart today and let her feel your blessed spirit surrounding her. 

SHANNON:  My heart holds you close today...many of us here have been through this "first" and want you to know that we are able to survive...and I truly believe that it is because that is what our beloved child wants for us...to not only survive, but to find joy again.  It may be a long while, but for now, just keep that thought in your mind and don't let it go...we are here, we are helping you to walk this journey, all of us, helping each other. 

Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of your angel girl...I shared WADE's beautiful slide show and music with my daughter...our hearts were filled with joy as the tears fell.  

 

 

 

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Shannon,

I too watched Wades wonderful slide show of beautiful Trista. She was an angel on earth and now shining down on you from heaven.

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Jeff's Mom

Shannon, you have been in my thoughts all day. I know that beautiful wonderful girl of yours surrounded you on this day showering you with her very special Trista love.

Wade, you are amazing. You brought it home again. Thank you for your input and effort to comfort all of us. The video was truly moving.

Cherry, what a beautiful poem. Thank you so much for sharing.

Carol, so glad the Kim will be able to return home soon.

SailorMom...I too am so sorry for your loss. Please do come and share with us. For me this my home away from home. The one place I can be me.

Laurie, thinking of you. Yes, we have had a chance to walk into the site. I still have not had an opportunity to plant the flowers. Today Ross spent quite some time working in the yard...which he loves. However it makes him very tired and he had a sleep for over two hours this afternoon. We call it a good kind of tired.

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Colleen,

Thank you for your response about the metals. I want to pick something out and get it ordered this week.

Kate,

I can so identify with your feelings yesterday. I am always so hurt when people don't acknowledge my Sam. I try to tell myself that they just don't know how it what to say and that is better than saying something meaning well, but totally hurtful, but it always stabs my heart. Glad you were able to regroup and enjoy today.

Sailormom,

Please tell us about your son. My Sam was taken in a horrible accident on September 21 of last year. No words can describe what finding ths place has meant for me. We all share a bond and true understanding.

Headed thru northern Idaho. Marveling in the beauty of the mountains and lakes. Missing my Sam knowing how much he would love it.

Debbie

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Cherry, thanks for posting that poem by Pablo Neruda, I sure do love his words, his flow. That poem certainly hits home doesn't it?

 

Sailor's Mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dear Son. I know that  you feel that you should have looked in on him sooner when in fact, this is not something you did. Your Boy, like so many others we know, was unable to stay away from the drugs that dictated his choices. I hope that you can tell us more about your Boy when you are ready. It is not unusual for you to be feeling the heaviness of loss, to feel the exhaustion of grief. I promise as one who has been on this road for almost 11 years, that this sharp pain will soften but not for a while. When we had our Children we were changed forever by their coming to the world...we are changed again when they leave us. One day you will find some happiness again, but it will take a lot of time, in fact at this early point on your road, it probably sounds impossible. It may even sound disrespectful to think of being happy, but again, I promise that our Kids want us to live as well as we can, stand where they no longer can, shine their light.

My girl Erica died when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I spoke with her 30 minutes prior. I miss her everyday, I talk to her everyday, and I smile everyday because of having her in my life and heart.

 

I agree, the video that Wade made using the photos that Shannon has shown us is gorgeous. I too love the music.

 

Carol, how is Kim feeling? How are you? I don't know if I posted about your response to Shannon last week, the poetic way that Shannon wrote about her grief when she lost her husband and then when she lost her Tris and how it was reversed for you but how you have those same feelings. It was another connection here that gives light to those who read here, we are joined by our loves.

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Thank you all for your kind words. 

My son went straight into the Navy (hense the name sailormom) right out of high school.  Spent 6 weeks in boot camp and 6 months in A school.  Then was sent to base,  once at base he was almost immediately sent out on a ship for several weeks, then back  out on another one for like 30 days at a time in what the Navy calls sea trails for the whole crew.  He then deployed on a carrier for for about 7-8 months.  During all this time he   was still with his high school g/f.t  He returned from first deployment and 4 months later on the weekend that he was going to propose the long time g/f (3 years) broke up with him for another guy.  (She was back here at home he was on base- long distance).   They broke up in Oct and he went into a deep depression. He tried to set up appoinments to be seen and everytime he had a appointment to see counseling he was sent out with a ship for a week or so for sea trials.  He was awarded Sailor of the year his second year in and he earned his air war fair pin and another pin on his first deployment.   In January they sent him out on another deployment and he fell down stair well breaking his back in 3 places.  They gave him pain pills and he continued to do his job for 8 months out to sea with no x-rays or anything, we found out later that his back had been  broke. ... But the Navy gave him Xanax and pain pills.  He came back from deployment #2 in a bad place mentally.  He was part of a crew that controlled drones and his job was to watch the real time videos of bombings..   This messed with him mentally.  He came back a mess tried to get counseling and they tried to send him out on another ship again.  At that point he  flipped out.  He was sent home, three weeks later I came home from work for lunch and found him unresponsive with vomit on him and blue on my couch. (Jan 2011) I called EMS they arrived and went to move him at which time he quit breathing altogether.  They did cpr and entubated him on my family room floor.  He was in hospital for 5 days then transferred to rehab.   Did counseling came home, got a job moved out, moved back,  moved out again about 8 months later.  Got a decent apartment close to a decent job.  Got a new g/f, then a new really really good job, and she got a job there too and they would ride to work together.    They were scheduled to move in together later that year.  They went to fireworks etc, on a sat nite,  Monday morning she call me to say that he didn't come pick her up for work,  she went on to work and I went to his apartment and he was there, I searched all over with no luck,  checked phone records and found someone who told me he was in hospital.  Called hospital and they told me to gather family and get there.  He was in ICU... O.D. on herion... he survived... back to rehab and was going regulary,  she gave him one last chance  and they moved in together.  He was doing good till this Jan,  They went on a trip came back and again on a Monday morning another terrifying phone call, she found him unresponsive in the shower.  Ems came, etc....   She broke up with him while still in hospital and moved out.... (I don't blame her)... Gotta do what you gotta do... She gave chances.  Needless to say the next 3 weeks he didn't care and spiraled out of control on the weekends.. until the last week...  and then we found him on that sunday morning.   They say he died on Saturday sometime.

He had everything going for him,  Great paying job, great apartment,  Nice truck that was paid for...

His job was near mine and near our home,  we would have lunch together several times a week, and they would also come over after work for dinner with us once a week.   I miss our lunches...   

 

About 4 a.m. on that Saturday morning -  my wind chimes woke me up chiming...normally don't hear them in our bedroom..(son gave me those chimes for Christmas first deployment)   My husband said he woke up about the same time seeing a vision of our son expressionless with grey all around him...  said it was like looking into his own eyes as he disappeared. 

 

We had thought he was doing well,  not sure what went wrong or if it was just a battle he couldn't win and if he was living a Jekyll and Hyde life.     

 

After all we went through over a three year period it was not a shock... but I still struggle...   I just can't fathom how a parent that looses a child due to tragic accident or sudden death copes..  We had been living with this fear since the first incident and knew if he returned to it this would happen.  We had been preparing ourselves that this could happen...   and as a parent you never prepare yourself to loose your child for a sudden loss or tragic accident.   Prayers for all.

 

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Thank you all for your kind words. 

My son went straight into the Navy (hense the name sailormom) right out of high school.  Spent 6 weeks in boot camp and 6 months in A school.  Then was sent to base,  once at base he was almost immediately sent out on a ship for several weeks, then back  out on another one for like 30 days at a time in what the Navy calls sea trails for the whole crew.  He then deployed on a carrier for for about 7-8 months.  During all this time he   was still with his high school g/f.t  He returned from first deployment and 4 months later on the weekend that he was going to propose the long time g/f (3 years) broke up with him for another guy.  (She was back here at home he was on base- long distance).   They broke up in Oct and he went into a deep depression. He tried to set up appoinments to be seen and everytime he had a appointment to see counseling he was sent out with a ship for a week or so for sea trials.  He was awarded Sailor of the year his second year in and he earned his air war fair pin and another pin on his first deployment.   In January they sent him out on another deployment and he fell down stair well breaking his back in 3 places.  They gave him pain pills and he continued to do his job for 8 months out to sea with no x-rays or anything, we found out later that his back had been  broke. ... But the Navy gave him Xanax and pain pills.  He came back from deployment #2 in a bad place mentally.  He was part of a crew that controlled drones and his job was to watch the real time videos of bombings..   This messed with him mentally.  He came back a mess tried to get counseling and they tried to send him out on another ship again.  At that point he  flipped out.  He was sent home, three weeks later I came home from work for lunch and found him unresponsive with vomit on him and blue on my couch. (Jan 2011) I called EMS they arrived and went to move him at which time he quit breathing altogether.  They did cpr and entubated him on my family room floor.  He was in hospital for 5 days then transferred to rehab.   Did counseling came home, got a job moved out, moved back,  moved out again about 8 months later.  Got a decent apartment close to a decent job.  Got a new g/f, then a new really really good job, and she got a job there too and they would ride to work together.    They were scheduled to move in together later that year.  They went to fireworks etc, on a sat nite,  Monday morning she call me to say that he didn't come pick her up for work,  she went on to work and I went to his apartment and he was there, I searched all over with no luck,  checked phone records and found someone who told me he was in hospital.  Called hospital and they told me to gather family and get there.  He was in ICU... O.D. on herion... he survived... back to rehab and was going regulary,  she gave him one last chance  and they moved in together.  He was doing good till this Jan,  They went on a trip came back and again on a Monday morning another terrifying phone call, she found him unresponsive in the shower.  Ems came, etc....   She broke up with him while still in hospital and moved out.... (I don't blame her)... Gotta do what you gotta do... She gave chances.  Needless to say the next 3 weeks he didn't care and spiraled out of control on the weekends.. until the last week...  and then we found him on that sunday morning.   They say he died on Saturday sometime.

He had everything going for him,  Great paying job, great apartment,  Nice truck that was paid for...

His job was near mine and near our home,  we would have lunch together several times a week, and they would also come over after work for dinner with us once a week.   I miss our lunches...   

 

About 4 a.m. on that Saturday morning -  my wind chimes woke me up chiming...normally don't hear them in our bedroom..(son gave me those chimes for Christmas first deployment)   My husband said he woke up about the same time seeing a vision of our son expressionless with grey all around him...  said it was like looking into his own eyes as he disappeared. 

 

We had thought he was doing well,  not sure what went wrong or if it was just a battle he couldn't win and if he was living a Jekyll and Hyde life.     

 

After all we went through over a three year period it was not a shock... but I still struggle...   I just can't fathom how a parent that looses a child due to tragic accident or sudden death copes..  We had been living with this fear since the first incident and knew if he returned to it this would happen.  We had been preparing ourselves that this could happen...   and as a parent you never prepare yourself to loose your child for a sudden loss or tragic accident.   Prayers for all.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Sailors Mom.....

    There are drugs out there that are so lethal....and so complex....and they can alter the chemistry in the brain...after one use....it is simply horrific....and then...it is like they can spread their deadly stain and touch everyone...

    I 'think'.....that sometimes....our children get so broken..there is not a human hand that can mend them....they become so sick there is nothing in this earth home that can restore them....and they become so racked with suffering and pain...there isn't a pill in the medical bag that can heal them....

  And so....God/Mother/Father of the Universe....sees His child is suffering...and He comes and takes them to their first home...

   Yes....I know that sounds almost Pollyanna.....

So simplistic...

Too short an answer to grief...but that is just the way I comprehend losing my boy...

  'And the Lord came with strong arms and took him in the night'....

 

We are here to hear you.....and we all walk in your shoes....

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I guess I am really stupid but I don't see a way to start a new thread, or a new post. I want to post my story but I don't see how to do it. Can you help me Mermaid Tears?

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Hello to all my Indigo friends.  I am  so so far behind....can't seem to catch

up. Many computer problems, and have been on the phone with tech support.

(Before ,... I would type my reply in BI, but everything froze up before I could post it.) :angry:  GRrrrrr.  

I'm hoping the glitch is fixed.

 

Shannon-----So very sorry I was unable to get on BI yesterday......dear Trista's  angel day.

 I pray that you were able to hold up......that first angel day is so painful....I know.  Sending

thoughts & prayers, and hoping all the many memories of your sweet daughter will warm

your heart, and bring you some comfort.

 

Carol-----Our garden is large, and is all planted and the rows are popping up now.  The rest

of the acres are planted in soybeans this year....(cornfield last year).  The farmer (our neighbor)

alternates between corn and soybeans each planting season.  There are adjoining acres that will

be a cornfield this year....so we can see it grow !  I love the cornfields. It's nice that you had

time with the grandies, and playing the games everyone enjoyed. Glad that Kim is progressing

and back home to Virginia.  She has been through so much.  Sending continued prayers.

 

Becky----thanks so much for the lovely pic of your son, Jerry and his wife, Katy, on their wedding day.

Very pretty. Bless them as they start their new life together.

 

 

Tre'smom----

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son.  You have found a good site to come and

post/read as you feel up to it.  I've been here 11 years.....along with Dee, and have found it to be a

lifeline.....especially in the early times. Please come back to BI (formerly called  Beyond Indigo).

 

 

Susan----

I agree with you.....there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way on this painful journey. Each one must

follow their own heart in the day-to-day trials that we face as parents of a child who has passed on.

Coming to BI helps, though, because we can then know that we are not alone in our suffering. The

pain is there, of course...always there....but somehow it helps to 'talk' to others who are on the same path.

 

Sandy---So nice that you had a family gathering at the peaceful B&B.  It sounds lovely.  Peace to you.

 

Dee-----We have radishes, lettuce, beets, potatoes, green beans, onions, all up, and Denny put in the tomato

plants and pepper plants. Also planted sunflower seeds  He always says that  "next year, the garden will be smaller", but it always

ends up being large. Davey & Lisa's garden is right next to the vegetable plot, and there is a family of

rabbits who have nested under the very large peony bushes.....baby bunnies & all......and they sometimes come

out and nibble at the nearby lettuce.  Denny says he doesn't mind,......that the rabbits are Davey & Lisa's pets. :) 

 

 

PEACE   AND    COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

 

 Davey&Lisasmom,........Sherry 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

simply click on Reply to this topic....just like you did when you asked your question....we all would like to hear your story...and tell us about your boy....

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Hello everyone I have not posted in awhile I hope you are finding some hope and peace here as I do thank you all for sharing and caring so much. Today I finnished up Nick's motorcycle rebuild I was in the process when he was killed and it has taken me this long to finnish it. I can tell you it was very hard and emotionaly painful only could work small amount of time before I was just standing there staring at it and no brain activity only sadness. But it is done now and I rode it slowly and carefuly down the street it is ready for the sand dunes maybe Thursday on my day off we will see if I can get up the strength to emotionaly handle it. My prayers to all of you and hopes that you can find some comfort in your life.

 

post-387985-0-14191800-1401728475_thumb.

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Ted,

Good to hear from you. So glad you were able to finish Nicks bike. I'm sure he was there with you every step of the way.

Sailormom,

I'm so sorry about your son. Addiction us a horrible thing. My heart goes out to you. It is so hard no matter what the circumstances. I struggle myself as we all do. Please keep coming here. It has been a lifesaver for me. As you get to know everyone, it is such a blessing to have a place where we can share what is on our minds and hearts without fear of judgement.

My mom called me today to let me know I have letters from the attOrney and the State of Illinois. I told her not to open them. I'm scared to know what they say. I don't want to know. I talked to the attorney about what we can do if anything to the city to hold then responsible for the drug use and sale of alcohol at the festival. Also the police department. All the lies and lack of processing the scene. He was supposed to check into it and let me know. I just don't know if I can deal with it. He called me on Friday and I'm supposed to call him back. But he sent a letter also, which usually means I'm so sorry.

Well Sam,

Precious boy, I'm dealing with things the best I can. Some say I should be okay because I know I will see you again. That doesn't make me miss you less now. 99 more days till football season. I'm still #1CHIEFS fan for you. I love you.

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Mermaid Tears

Ted.....now that is a genuine 'labor of love'....and we know how heavy your heart was in the restoration....

how we all wish we could 'restore our hearts' with some tools, sweat and oil....

please let us know how the ride was over the dunes....your boy will be with you...

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Mermaid Tears

Debbie...you are doing a spectacular job of shining the light in every corner....I hope the news is positive...

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Thanks Sailormom for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to retell every memories we love and hurts us the most at the same time. Really so sorry for your loss....

 

Just like what Susan (Mermaid Tears) said,  our children get so broken..there is not a human hand that can mend them....they become so sick there is nothing in this earth home that can restore them....and they become so racked with suffering and pain...there isn't a pill in the medical bag that can heal them....

And so....God/Mother/Father of the Universe....sees His child is suffering...and He comes and takes them to their first home...

 

Good to know that you had a vision of your child on that Saturday morning.

 

Like you, I don't know where should I pick up myself in this grief journey. I lost my 5 year old girl to cancer. My life was like a dream, Kylie is beautiful, gifted and a very sweet child...And then God took her home...

 

Here, we attempt to take one day at a time. We say hi to each other, or share our daily stories and how we get by each day and how we remember our children... People outside our circle don't know what are the words to say...when we just need them to just be there for us..which is exactly how i felt when I joined here. I would always know that there are people who walk with me, even if it's like limping, tagging along, and it's really dark ...just knowing someone who cares..is enough

 

We cry together, we celebrate angelversarry...to honor our children...

 

Sending you hugs and prayers,

 

Kylie's mommy- Mommy Cherry

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Mermaid Tears

Cherry...I don't have time to write a long post....but I have one of my 'life stories' to tell you....I will post it later....hang on with both hands...grief blows a wind like a hurricane....

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