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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Steve's mom

I love the poem.

Her words are my feelings.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Kate

Sending hugs your way.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Mermaid Tears

Wade.....that poem travels for a 1,000 miles on my heart....

a 1,000 miles for all those 'miles' you have been putting your feet on the grief journey....

 

this is a first for me....the first time I watched a video on this site.....it was him singing to you and his Mom....

 

for some reason....I just haven't been able to watch any.....but I did that for you today....

him singing his song for you and his Mom....

 

I think 'for me'.....I begin to miss the children of the parents on this site....they become familiar...they become 'real'....like the Velveteen Rabbit.....love makes you 'real'....

 

you said something about you becoming a 'better man' after reading what I posted about my Dad.....

well.....you are already that 'better man'....

 

you will go and see the parents of the young man that shot your Brooks...and then took his life....

I cannot imagine how their grief journey goes.....they lost a son....and then he is responsible for taking another parent's son...

   I can not even imagine their dark..dark...grief....how the Dad will not know how to face his 'morning'....and the Mom...not knowing how to face the 'night'.....both must be in a grip of grief like we do not know of...

    I know you will not show up for 'revenge'....or asking for 'answers'....or for 'pity'.....

for all of you and us.....have enough sorrow to share...there is enough to pass around...

I am thinking that the gesture will probably have a more healing layer on them...than you....

if you are so guided....you are led....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Steve's mom, I saved that poem to my special file...it says exactly where I am at...had another person drop out on us...the road we are on has fewer and fewer companions in the "real world"...who wants to hold the hand of a grieving parent, not many...

 

Kate, have been praying for you both today...know that the news is very scary to you and Ross...will continue to lift you before the Lord...and ask Him to carry you both close to His heart....Isaiah 40:11. We are here for you...

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...thank you for posting that photo of your 'Babydoll'....when the twins...Taylor and Hunter Bear were born....Tay had no hair....later as they grew...Hunter Bear had this thick Chestnut brown hair...growing rather fast....and soon...he had this mass of wavy thick hair to his shoulders.....and Taylor....well....it was more like a peach fuzz...nappy...thin...

  Randa agonized over that....when they were well into their toddler years.....

finally....Tay's hair started growing in....but it took a long time....

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Peach fuzz is an accurate descriptor of ERi-Beth's hair Susan. She makes my heart smile. I love the words you gave to Wade about his visiting the family of the accused.

 

Just got back from a walk, it is rainy and dreary looking but the birds tell us otherwise, they tell a story of plentiful food, nest building, eggs being laid, the birds know how to celebrate spring for sure, even when we are wearing layers. Last evening I went out with sisters and nieces for my niece Laura's birthday. She turned 28, just 2 years younger than ERi. We had some good laughs as we meandered the mall and went for dinner.

 

Kate, I am sorry for the findings yesterday at the hospital. I hope that whatever this new shadow is, that it can be contained and turned away as an unwanted visitor. Prayers spoken and renewed and put out into the air we breathe.

Dear Lord and Angels, please help the doctors know exactly what to do to remedy Ross's newest suspect spot. Please let him be healed completely from this disease and in that healing, a continued joy in each day with his beloved wife.

 

Lora, signs of spring? How are you doing and how is Brother?

 

Shannon, hugs and hope.

 

Becky, taking good care of yourself?

 

Wanda, how about you?

 

Sherry, HOORAY again that you were able to get the computer fix going.

 

Maryanne, thanks for the lovely poem, it is all so true.

 

Laurie, I am sorry that life has shown you these rough edges, these tear-your-heart-up times, but we stand with you as you share so deeply from your spirit.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie.....I am 'guessing' from your post you had another 'friend' to scatter ? We all get to that 'age' where we have all been betrayed...and there are so many ways and shapes that betrayal can come into our lives.....but when we are on the grief journey...it always seems as if we have no weapon to fight it off....we are so weak from burdens of deep sadness and mourning.....

   and ....the other kicker is....we are so blindsided....could never have seen it coming....it just hits from nowhere..and from people we would never have guessed it would be them....

 

I think you are now an Alumna in the largest club on earth...'The Betrayed Circle'....

we don't have to hold meetings...(for we have nothing new to add  to the oldest human story ever told)

and we don't have to pay dues...(for we have already paid our dues in full)

 

as for me and the lessons I have learned with betrayal...and I really struggled for years..(my first marriage and my husband)...and Essie helping me find my way..and that was like zig-zagging on a mine field...and then came the 'others'...I find that I learned the most from them...

   I hope that you, too, will find that rich wisdom....and that the space they leave...will be filled with good gifts...with time and acceptance....for really...it is a gift to learn a person's 'true colors' sooner than later....

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Thanks to everyone for thinking of us. We so appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts. We woke up this morning feeling much more positive. We were just exhausted yesterday and not ready for the news. I think we almost felt that after all he had already gone through that they would give him a clean bill of health. The bottom line is that we have been told that if has indeed gone to stage four then life expectancy is poor indeed. It is extremely unlikely they will consider more chemo after his allergic reaction. It's too risky they told us.  We remain positive and place this in God's hands. The waiting game is the hardest. I'll take my own advice and stay focused on keeping busy. Dwelling on this is only going to make it harder. I am putting together an Easter pkg. to send out to my grandies. I spoke to them this week and they are such a ray of sunshine. Dee, your little doll is adorable.

 

The day is sunny and bright. Still kind of cool for this time of year. The snow is shrinking, but definitely not melting. I can't complain when I see other areas and how they were hit by yet another winter storm. Will it ever end? I started to post a very long joke going around about our winters the other day. I got half way through it and it simply disappeared. Guess it's out there floating around somewhere. I'm hopeless on this thing. :rolleyes:  

 

Wade, that is a truly amazing thing that you are doing. How hard and yet so wonderful for you all. I found this poem that I had cut out years ago from the paper... and I thought of Ted and you when I last read it. As if the boys were writing it for you.

 

There is a gift that you cannot buy,

That's very rare and true;

 

It's a gift of a wonderful father,

like the one I had in you.

 

The many things you did for me,

In your kind and thoughtful way;

 

You gave me years of happiness,

No one can take away.

 

Although you are not beside me,

You are never far away;

 

For you are always in my heart,

Through every passing day.

 

Love will never die and can not be broken through separation or death. We will be thinking of you when you meet together. Love to all of you. Kate 

Sending love to all. Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...I hope the sunny weather will revive you and Ross...

 

Lora....how are you....how is your brother ? Miss your posts....can you get to Cara yet ?

 

Gretchen...thinking of you...hope all is going well...

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Susan---Yes....It's good to be back here at BI with all my Indigo friends. Computer

problems can make one want to  pull their hair out. This time it wasn't the computer,

but the  AT&T connection.

 

Kate-----Sending lots of prayers for your dear husband. Peace & comfort, friend.

 

Lyndie----thanks for the poem "The Secret World I Live In"....... the words

are so meaningful and true.

 

Wade-----Thanks for the video and pics of Brooks.  He is such a nice-looking

young man. I'm sorry your heart is broken from losing him. It's plain to see

that you loved and cherished him so much. Peace to you.

 

Dee----Your walk sounds nice..even though the weather was not the best. It's

the same here......temps creeping up one day,....then back down the next day.

As you say, though........the birds seem to not pay much attention to the weather,

and just go about their business of preparing for their nesting/mating duties.

I guess they are telling us to just hang on.......spring can't be too far away. :) 

 

 

PEACE   AND   STRENGTH  TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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Tonight sleep does not come. I find my self in the deep dark dark path of grief. I have 2 children a daughter Jennifer and a son Nicholas losing half of my children has torn my heart in two and numbed the half that is left. The dark grief is taking all I have to keep a healthy outlook. I think all the time about Nick and what I have lost from his death. 41/2 months now went through his birthday and all. Had his daughter my grand daughter for 2 days it is always bitter sweet. The ex was not letting him see her and that was killing him he loved her more then life and that's one of the reasons Nick was being reckless he had lost the thing that ment the most to him in his life. When I was taking her home she said that this means dad will miss all the rest of my life like birthdays and everything. That broke my heart. At 8 she understands a lot. Also she said her mom the ex is pregnant must have hooked up the day she left him real nice person. Her mom does not talk to her or with her about Nicks death and I think with a baby she will be left out that's sad.

Thank you all for being there for me to talk to it helps a lot to know I am not alone there are people that understand.

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Mermaid Tears

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found this on FB.....and I think it sums up what this site is to many....

 

we don't debate politics...immigration....economics....religion....

we don't care if we are Democrats or Republicans...

...we don't care what kind of car you drive....

or what kind of house you live in...

the amount in your bank account...

or what kind of job or career you have....

 

we come together to hold hands with those who have lost that child....for some...those children...

to reach out and say...'I am having a very hard day'...and there is someone who will throw out that 'life line'...and hold us up til we can 'come up for air'.....

   to be with those that understand the 'background music' that plays all day...all night.....no matter how far we have been on the grief journey...the name of the song is...'I miss my child'.....

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Mermaid Tears

Ted....I am up very early, too.....

many on this site will nod their head in agreement with you.....in facing grief and walking and talking with grief everyday....

and learning how to go through another day learning how to 'miss our child'....for that is like learning 15 different foreign languages at once....

    learning how to navigate the 'unnatural'....while living in a natural world....for it is 'unnatural' for our child to go before us...

 

This is not for sissies....

I have always heard that hard times makes one stronger...

I ponder that over and over....

Is that really true ?

 

I remember when John David was in 7th grade...going out for football....I had very mixed emotions about that...(it's ok to root for the football team when your son is not the one getting the 'xxxx' knocked out of him...)....and his Dad had played for Ole Miss....and he was named after John David Crow....so...I felt very '2 Faced' about having objections....

  so...I had to take him for his physical...our family Dr.....and I asked him about it...and he said...'Rather a broken bone than a broken spirit'....

 

I have carried that advice with me in raising my children...

and now I wonder how to 'not let my spirit' be broken....or my other children...his sister and his brothers....

  and maybe you, too, should think about this in relationship with Nick's daughter....

our children died young...many left girlfriends...boyfriends....a young wife or young husband....and life goes forward...and they will go on....and create their own lives....and that is really how it should be....not stuck in the past....

  and if the Mother is letting the granddaughter visit you and have that relationship....she must trust that that is good for her....and she wants her and you to have that relationship.....

  and that is like getting a 'priceless gift'.....for you and your wife can instill in her that Nick is a part of her...and his love will always be a part of her....in all the days and years ahead.....

  I also want you to know that I know many families that have had to spend much $$$$$ and go through countless court battles...and years.....just trying to have contact with grandchildren.....

   I know 'some' that were getting to have visits with their grandchildren....and they would say the most horrible things to the children about their parents....and I tried to warn them over and over....not to do that....for I knew the children would tell their parent what was said.......and then.....the parents stopped all visits.....so....nurture and hold dear the child...and do everything you can to keep and hold those visits. You do know that Nick would want you to continue having his child with you as much as you are allowed.

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Ted, I'm not sure at what point this terrible blanket of grief started to lift for me. I know that it took what seemed  ages. For a couple of years I was crippled by my pain and the memories of not having Jeff here with us. The shock was tremendous. I felt as if I was climbing uphill with a backpack loaded with heavy rocks. Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to notice that there were bits of happiness and joy starting to come back into my every day life. I felt guilt at the beginning. How could I do this when my son was no longer alive? After a very long time and countless nights of silent reflection I began to feel his presence coming through telling me that I needed to move forward and live life again. We get one chance. It is in no way dishonoring their memory to be happy again. Just the opposite. But grief has stages and we are all different in going about shedding these layers of pain. You are still at the beginning. Go easy on yourself. You deserve it! 

 

Try as hard as it is to focus on all of the positives that you have in your life. I know it is hard. I know you are carrying much that is difficult. When things become to much to deal with then just deal with the day. Make a list of that which is good in your life. And push yourself to stay focused on it. I have had to do that many times and still do. As recently as this past week. I find it easy to buckle under the burden of my losses and heartache. But when I look at that list I see things differently. Nick was an amazing son and he left you a sweet grand daughter that you have the joy of spending time with. I know it is hard to have to accept that Nick will not be there to share in her upbringing. But you are. And just imagine the relationship you can build. He would be so grateful and proud of you in doing that.

 

We woke up this morning to what else? Light snow falling very softly. At another time...another month I would have been delighted. But just a mere few days before April? Yikes. Apparently the day I spotted the geese flying overhead approximately a week ago. They were starting to arrive at a wildlife conservation area called  Fort Whyte. As they were unable to find open water they turned around and flew back to somewhere in South Dakota. And the snow plow has once again plowed in my driveway. Ross claims if he gets his hands on the guy he will castrate him. :o Today we are off to the city to try to find a few things for the kids Easter parcel. We plan to stop at my favourite spot for a chili burger. After two months of working out at Curves I am ready to murder one. Thinking of you all today. Thanks again to all for your prayers. We are keeping positive and going to keep as busy as his health will allow. Kate

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Kate,

I'm sorry to hear the news about Ross. I can't imagine how hard it would be to hear that. I admire your positive outlook. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Ted,

I love that picture of Nick and his daughter. My husband's cousin was killed in a car accident about 2 years ago. He left a 6 yr. Old daughter. He wasn't with her mother at the time, she had moved on and married another. When he died, she told the family that the little girl was going to start calling her stepfather daddy and they were not going to talk to her about Stephen. Of course she knew her daddy was gone. I cant imagine how confusing that must have been. But the mother has allowed the family to see her and spend time with her. Over time she has relaxed and the situation has gotten much better. It is truly a blessing that your granddaughter can grow up knowing you ahd keeping that connection to her father. And that you have that little piece of Nick.

Steves mom,

Thank you for the poem. I loved it. It is right where I am and I am sure everyone else here. Hope you are doing okay.

Wade,

Thank you for the piem and video of Brooks. I thinkn8f him often. Both are beautiful. How did the meeting go? I can't imagine facing them. I cant imagine they pain that they must be going through also. You are such a good man. You taught Brooks well. I know he is smiling down on you.

Shannon,

I am sorry about the sentencing. The attornies are still gathering information in our case. I have thought many times about possible scenarios of how things might go. I know in my heart nothing is ever going to make this okay. Nothing is ever going to bring him back. What will I do when it's over. I don't know it's just horrible.

Kathy,

Thank you for sharing that letter. That brings back so many good memories for me. You are blessed to have gotten such a treasure. I'm glad to hear things are going well for Tavian.

I guess it's been awile. I have much more reading to do to catch up. Laurie, Wanda, Lora, Cherry, Gretchen....Hope and pray that you are having some peace today. Dee, Colleen, Susan, Sherry and everyone else, thank you for being here. I know that you still struggle but thank you for your encouragement.

My stepson Max, has been on the truck with us. I think I have been very shut down to my feelings over the last weeks. I wanted him to have a positive experience and not have worry about my grief. He got to go from Kansas to Deleware and even got to see the Empire State Building from across the Hudson. When we went home to get him, we took all the kids and grandkids to a Japanese restaurant. It was awesome to see the kids reaction to all the chopping, big flames and tossed shrimp into their little mouths.

But it has all hit me and come home over the last few days. My daughter is doing worse than ever. She got arrested but is back out and off and running. I created a fake FB account so she would let me be her friend. When I see the things she puts on her page it makes me wish I hadn't so I quit looking.

Sam's dad gave his beloved dog away because his girlfriend doesnt like her and Junebug doesn't like her cat. Sam loved that dog. He had her for 6 years. She is about 10 now. We rescued her from a shelter. I can't have her because she couldn't get in or out of the truck. I am so angry with him. He has become a cruel mean person to his other children. He wont allow them to talk about Sam and when they do he belittles them. He said his girl friend doesn't like all the drama. It's a mess.

Worst of all is that I miss my Sam so much. I'm afraid to let all the feeling come back, flood if sorrow and emotion. So right now I keep it hidden. Waiting for attornies, waiting for a time to be alone with my pain.

Sorry to come back and dump. Thanks for listening.

These are a few pictures of the kids at dinner. The last is a picture I just got from on of Sam's friends that was taken of his buddies by the little memorial they made by the tracks the day after the accident. It was taken before I got back so I missed some of them that lived out of town that had to go back to school and missed the funeral.

Debbie

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lovU2themoon

We have had another tragic loss in our community, 3 young men from surrounding towns were killed in a vehicle accident on Monday. They were coming home from a job site, the driver lost control of the vehicle and hit another one head on. It was a windy Monday afternoon, highways were a little icy and viability was reduced.

 

My chest is heavy as i read about the loss, and then i realize the 29 yr old was Lanes grade 5 teachers son. When Lane was getting bullied so bad, she told me to call the police, as her husband is a police officer, and they can help, being a mother of 3 boys she was full of advice and very helpful.  She sent me a lovely card when Lane died, and now she travels this road.

 

The 24 yr old, was the  son of a wonderful lady's, who has spent the last 16 years as a driving force in our local Compassionate Friends Group, acting as secretary, and newsletter. She had a stillborn son 16 yrs ago, and has comforted other who have lost children for many years, and now she travels this road for a second time. 

 

The third man, 32 yr old, i did not know him personally or his family, although, him and his wife lost a daughter in 2010. He worked at a local plumbing company.

 

My heart aches for their loss, i don't get it, why must people suffer so???

What it to be gained from all this...

These are wonderful giving caring people, families, sons....and now...everything for all of them has changed..

 

Heart broken families...

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Susan...

I thank you with my whole soul for watching the video and thinking of me.  We all know how important it is to keep our child's memories alive and what you wrote meant so much to me.

 

I think 'for me'.....I begin to miss the children of the parents on this site....they become familiar...they become 'real'....like the Velveteen Rabbit.....love makes you 'real'....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s-XHuue6vM

 

I also have that feeling and alway make time each day to look at pictures of our children...their memories are tied in some kind of link to Brooks now...sometimes I cry, but many times I smile knowing that our memories together are making them live within each of us.  I pray each day that our sorrows turn to joy in reliving those special memories.

 

Kate...

Again I send prayers your way for God's touch on both you and Ross.  My "positive feeling" is added to your's.  We are actually getting some snow and rain mixed today.  We need it...you don't...sorry to hear that winter just keeps hanging on...  Your Jets don't have much time left to get it together.  They need a big winning streak!

 

Thank you so much for the poem.  Those are my thoughts every day.  Even though I will never be whole again...Brooks truly gave me meaning every day.  I take so much comfort in that.  He gave me the best years of my life, and his memories will keep that alive for me.  I pray that for all of you.  That those special times and memories will always be close to your hearts, and even in the midst of grief...new or old...that those "times" will bring smiles and laughter as we remember the gift we were given.  What is that old saying..."It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." 

 

Maryann...

Thank you for the poem.  It was beautiful.  Only we know that loss and sharing always eases my heart.  I hope the same for you.

 

Dee...

Hoping your break went well...sounds like it did.  Our's isn't for a couple more weeks.  And then when we get back...those dreaded state tests.  Still can never figure out why those dang things aren't scheduled for the end of the year.  Just plain stupid!  Thought you might like this story about a kindergarten teacher who resigned because of the continual testing, etc. she and her students have to endure.

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/03/23/kindergarten-teacher-my-job-is-now-about-tests-and-data-not-children-i-quit/

 

Wanda...

So sorry for those young men.  It just brings up all the gut-churning feelings we battle each day.  My thoughts will be with you and their families.

 

Debbie...

No reason to be sorry for anything here.  Sometimes I wonder just why those added "troubles" get piled on us...guess that's life, but we don't have to like it.  Sorry to hear about your daughter.  Stay in there as best you can.  There is always hope, but she must accept her addiction before any help will work.  Brooks finally figured that out...so like I said, there is hope.  Thank you for words about the poem.  I find that writing those releases my emotions and allows me to focus better on my grief.  So many days now...but it still feels like every Monday is an anniversary of his loss.  Getting better...but a long way to go.  Hoping...praying...that you will find the same.

 

Ted...

I know you will be there for your granddaughter and she will know her dad...your Nick...and your memories will be her memories.  Hoping also that her mom will "change" and understand how important it is to talk with her daughter about Nick.  Try to sleep as best you can.  I also have so much difficulty doing that.  It seems like I toss and turn and am always tired.  Getting used to it now.  Staying busy is hard when you're tired, but that is my life I suppose.  When I go up to Alaska this summer and the work days are 16-18 hours, I will be more than ready.  So looking forward to getting away and letting the rolling of the ocean waves and fresh air give me some peace.  Hoping you will find that "something" too.  Thinking of Nick's birthday has made me think even more of Brooks' in May.  Since my birthday is the same date I want to just forget about it, but I know his friends will want something.  That is important to me...to give an outlet for their grief as well.

 

Need to go...will tell of my experience dropping off the card later.

 

Wishing gentle and peaceful "winds" for all of you today.

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Wanda, I simply do not know why bad things happen to good people. Certainly all of us on this site can fully comprehend the pain associated with this loss. Prayers for the families.

 

We headed into the city, but did not stay long. We had a quick bite to eat and managed to grab the few things left I needed for the kids Easter parcel. We arrived home around 3:30 and Ross is now back down sleeping.  He was determined to get out and do a few things before crashing for the rest of the day. I know a few neighbours think we are nuts...still...it did him the world of good. The fresh air and being in a busy place provided a much need distraction. It is a good kind of exhausted.

 

Wade, yes our Jets most likely will not make the playoffs. Could be close though. The Junos are being held in the city tomorrow. Not too sure if you are familiar with Burton Cummings..."American Woman"....will most likely present the lifetime achievement to Randy Backman from Guess Who and  BTO. The city was busy today.

 

Sending wishes to all for a peaceful evening. Kate

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

 

What does it look like in heaven?
Is it peaceful is it free like they say?
Does the sun shine bright forever?
Have your fears and your pain gone away?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you left
And here on earth everything thing is different
there's an emptiness

Oh-oh-oh I, I hope your dancing in the sky
and I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived

Now tell me, what do you do up in heaven?
Are your days filled with love and light?
Is there music? Is there art and invention?
Tell me are you happy? Are you more alive?
Cause here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you left
And here on earth everything thing is different

Oh-oh-oh I, I hope your dancing in the sky
and I hope your singing in the the angels choir
I hope the angels, know what they have
I bet it's so nice up in heaven since you've arrived
Since you arrived

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Thank you Wade for that amazing retelling of the Velveteen Rabbit. I cried, so pretty the idea behind the story, and that lovely fairy saying: you were alive to the boy because he loved you so...

Lovely.

 

Laurie, thank you for the song, I do believe that our Children are in a place that is most wonderful, more wonderful than we could ever imagine.

 

Kate, so glad that you and Ross went out for a bit today, sometimes that distraction of being in the midst of so many folks and busy times helps me when I am most in need of just that. A good evening to you.

 

Susan, just as Wade has told you, your words addressing him the other day ring so clear and pretty, so true.

 

Wanda, your heart must weigh a million pounds today with that sad news. It is hard to get off the mark when one is slammed by such news. I know, some similar losses after we lost Erica, and the slam is huge. You will find ways to let the teacher know that you Get It, she will need to know this, she will need to be held by the words of one who so sadly does know.  And the MOm whose work at Compassionate Friends will also need the kindness of those who know, those who absolutely get it. Sometimes it is in those ashes of others' lives that we find our purpose after all, we show them the ashes on our hands and knees, the tears that fall so readily, so that they can see that others like them are near. And sometimes we cannot take that on, we just have to find ways for our own breathing, our own day which we all know, must come first if ever we are going to feel a semblance of our lives again. Your Boy smiles on you in all of his love, knowing that he has the Greatest Mom in the world. Please find some good ways to take care of you in this new sadness.

 

Debbie, you don't have to apologize for anything. You simply are sharing your days with us which we do with you. It is all good. I am sorry taht your Daughter is finding such difficulties right now. I wish so much that she could find a way to become sober/straight. I so wish this for my nephew and all those who are addicted and living in the shadows. May sunlight reach you and help you find a better way to live.

 

Sherry, tomorrow it should be near 60, so I am pumped for that. The deer have been whittling everything down, all of our bushes, our autumnal clematis...amazingly efficient. How are your Grandies? How is Becky feeling these

days?

 

a quote from the book TransAtlantic which I am reading now, written byColum McCann...this is in the forward by Eduardo Galeano-

 

Despite deafness and ignorance, the time that was continues to tick inside the time that is.

 

And for me this just means what i have always felt, the time with our Children continues, it never ends, it exists now and it will tomorrow too.

 

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Dee...

I think I still have the Velveteen Rabbit from Brooks' childhood.  Kept a lot of those books.  I might have donated them, though.  Just as well, I suppose.  60 degrees...yeh!!!  Getting stormy here.  No golf this weekend, but the weather change is nice too.  I know nobody wants to hear that. :)

 

Susan...

I just listened to that song not too long ago and posted it on Brooks' FB page.  Oh, how we are connected.  Another day...another time...we all could be sitting around in someone's backyard enjoying the spring and reveling at our children's exploits.  This will have to do now...and will have to be ok with it.  Thank you for the song again...what a beautiful thought of our children doing that in heaven now.

 

Kate...

Good to get out I'm sure.  Hockey is hockey...I'm watching the college playoffs now.

 

So I went to the donut shop to drop off the card and their daughter, Leakana, was there.  I had her as an 8th grader.  She might be the same age as Brooks.  She recognized me as I came through the door and came around the counter and gave me a big hug.  I couldn't get much out, but told her to give the card to her parents and let them know I was thinking about them.  She asked if she could come visit me at school and, of course, I told her yes.  There were other people in the shop so I didn't stay, but it felt "right."  I then went and visited Brooks and told him all about it.  I think he would have liked that I did this.

 

Another day to think about life and wonder about the "why."  Good...bad...I guess it is what it is.

 

As Sherry says...

 

Peace and Tranquility to all of you. 

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Mermaid Tears

I remember the Christmas we were giving Jeremy the 'Velveteen Rabbit' book....my parents came from Wharton county...with a 'real live white rabbit' and John David and Jason...in secret....built a pen.....

 

it is so much fun to have that 'miracle child' that is born years and years after the older ones....for then...'They' get to get into 'Santa Clause'...'Easter Bunny'....'Tooth Fairy'.....'Halloween'....and all that magic of childhood....and what a great stage they set for Jeremy....

  how John David got into it all...and in 99% of the photos I look over now...his arms were around Jeremy...even pass when he was a 'little boy'....

 

Laurie....I listened to 'some' of that song....so...so....heartfelt....longing...and also....what we want for our children...

 

Wade...you did the 'right' thing...and you will find out...that you are bringing more healing to that 'wound'....that there is no medicine on this earth that can be found....than that 'hand reached out'.....that 'heart' reached out....for each family cannot find any answers to the questions in this earth home....we can only come together and wrap our mourning around each other for comfort and understanding....and I am sure they had no knowledge ...(and that comes from not having any inkling in this situation)...of what to say or approach you and your wife with...in not wanting to give you any more harm....

   by the way....I say you are guided...you are led....I know Brooks is the star leading you....of course.

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Wade, I am so proud of your taking the card to the doughnut shop and so glad that the young lady came to hug you, it was a shared comfort I am sure. I think that Brooks was there, smiling at this Dad of his, taking this thing called hope to a family in need.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....hope you got your batteries recharged with some 'R&R'.....and had some of your long walks...I so need to have some of those long walks...this has been a roller coaster of weather in our part of Texas....cooler than average...rain..(which we need every drop..so I never complain)...I think I will buy myself a treadmill....that way I won't have to add/rearrange my wardrobe.....for the weather....I can just keep on with my South Texas clothing...

    I am not going to be sorry to 'kiss March' good-by.....with John David's..Homer's...my Dad...Daniel's Dad...George's birthdays....and now added is Homer's death...it is an emotional month for me....those markers can play havoc on a cast iron mental/physical body for sure.

   I will agree with Shannon.....wishing we could take a year off from every holiday..birthday...celebration....til we find a firm foundation....and when we have younger children/GRANDchildren....of course we have to set the theme...

 

Debbie....sorry to hear about your daughter...we know that with your grief journey...with your Sam...your heart is hurting for her, too....it is a double edged sword....

thanks for sharing the dinner out with the kids....at least something can bring a smile to you...

   it sounds as if your 'ex' is 'maybe' one of the weak ones.....men can be weak...women can be weak.....usually a 'weak' person will stand behind someone and let them be the one to 'say or do' what they can't....or...let that person 'take charge' for they really can't or won't want to manage anything....

  I do hope he had enough 'heart' to give Junebug to someone that loved and knew Sam...I have heard of many pets dying after their owner's have passed away.....I know they mourn, too....I hope Junebug is loved and cared for.....

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Wade

Brooks and the angels saw you today and they are still singing.

For me, my anger clouded by judgement for 4 years, until I finally handed over that judgement.

You are a special person.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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tobyfreefoot

Still no computer. Think of you all often. I woke to my husband playing "wreck on the highway" ha ha

"I heard the crash on the highway, but i didn't hear nobody pray" ha ha what a great start to the day. I guess nobody thinks of him but me. He was like oh sorry it didn't cross my mind. My friend lynn finally got tne coronors report. Josh died of an accidental overdose of meth and morphine. He had keotosis(?) Meaning he needed insulin and was dehydrated. By the time he realized he was in trouble he wouldn't have been able to get up and do anything about it. They have called social services out for her mom, so i don't know that she has much time left. However i went to the zoo with my grandaughters yesterday and had breakfast last week with marshall and found he had talked to forest online while he was in europe so that made me feel better and also to know his dad had been planning to pay for him to visit and marshall had told him so that was good to know. Forest always wanted his dad around but it didn't happen much due to logistis etc. Hope to be back one of these days.post-298275-0-00732300-1396197021_thumb.

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Gretchen, Prayers for your friend LInda, with the news of how her Son died.

I am sorry that your husband did not give it a thought, the pain in those kinds of day to day things is something others accuse us of being too sensitive about. It is painful.

I am thrilled however that you got to be with the little ones yesterday at the zoo. They are gorgeous girls for sure.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Been reading all the posts here....just want everyone to know you are all in my thoughts....

 

Again thank you to everyone on this forum...your kindness and support is so appreciated....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Gretchen....we have missed you....and look at those 'Sugar Girls' of yours...and I see a pair of dimples....so glad you got to have some 'happy' in your life....with GRANDkids and Zoo....makes a #10 day....

    I am glad your friend has you as her friend....each of you have each other...and not only the bond of friendship...but the bond of knowing what each of you are going through on the grief journey....and you don't have to 'explain' every emotion...or tear....or heartsick moment.

    I was thinking of you the other day....you posted something about being at work...and having these tiny metal stars on your shoes....for I was reading about all of us being stardust....

  your stardust must have been dusting off....

how is Marshall doing ? Did he get to go back to college with a probation scholarship.....or....is he taking off some time to get himself in balance ?

   Did you get some time off ? Another job ? It is so hard to regain some kind of 'reasoning thinking'.....at least for me, anyway...I seem to float in my 'mourning'.....can't really attach to anything....and really don't want to.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....you have been a source of great help and support....

you share your knowledge and experience...what you read....what you know....and so graciously reach out to others that need help....

....and I agree....each of you have been such a bright spot in this dark journey...

  you and I are in this year two of the journey...we are shuffling and stumbling...

I know you are missing Jesse David...as much as I am missing John David...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

... anyway...I seem to float in my 'mourning'.....can't really attach to anything....and really don't want to.

I guess that is where I am at too...

...I want to say so much to all those who have posted recently...so many concerns, thoughts, prayers that are needed, I think of my fellow pilgrims here who seek to honor their loved ones in the way they are called to...

Sometimes there are those "lean" times...I think the couple who just decided to move on away from us...their life is so full, their son is Jesse's age and they had been good friends at one point...anyways this sudden change of direction from them took the wind out of my sails...not that I expect that someone can always "walk" with me and my husband -- that is not realistic -- it just would have been nice to have someone until the end of the trial...but I guess not...

In truth it is such a solitary journey at times...

...random ramblings today...

also, my mom has two very ill siblings, this is kind of taking her down...so I must get a visit out to her...so will be down in her area this week..

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie...I hope you read my post about 'betrayal'.....if not...please do...I think I wrote it Friday...but...then again...maybe it was another day.....sigh...

and yes....it has ALWAYS blindsided me....always....and I guess...being 'me'....it will always blindside me...for I do not 'seek' betrayal...nor am I paranoid....

I am not a professional at it either...it always hits below the knees...so to speak....

in other words....I don't think anyone can get to the point where they are 'old' at it....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, yes I did read it, thank you for writing to me about it...you are always such a comfort and a sweet spirit...offering your wisdom of Essie...

 

....I am such in a hole here.....

 

But I want Debbie, Wanda to know I read their posts...Debbie it is hard to have a daughter that is struggling so hard with addiction...thank you for sharing the photos...

 

Wanda...I know you are having a hard time too...then these stories of families who have just lost their children, it does bare one's own wounds as well...

 

Gretchen, I am glad to see your post...hopefully your computer will get fixed soon, missed your input...sending prayers of comfort for your friend, Lynn...

 

Wade, I think of what you did to honor your son by going to the other family...how so very precious...

 

Sherry, I am hoping your computer problems are now resolved...thank you for the extra effort to go to the library just to post to us here....

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Kate, offering up special healing prayers for Ross...

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Guest Trista's_Mom

I've been reading over the past few days. Just not enough energy to respond to everyone. I will. Maybe tonight or tomorrow.

Wade, I do want to say how beautiful it was to read of what you did for the other family involved. I think a lot of healing may have begun with that gesture and Brooks is definitely smiling. Thank you for sharing that.

Here is the drawing I've been working on of Tris and a poem I wrote to here when she was just a little girl and we looked for fairies and magic everywhere. A trip to the park with Tris was never just a trip to the park. It was always magical.

post-328114-0-08681300-1396229188_thumb.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

This is a video I made for Tris just a few months after I lost her. I know I've probably shared it before. I just need to share it again.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Laurie,

I'm thinking of you. I've tried to be there for a few of the people closest to me during their own trials... even in my own pain... but it seems like anytime I mention what I'm going through or my own loss... the conversation stops.

Debbie,

I know you are dealing with a lot. I'm still in the middle of all the legal stuff... looking for answers. I get it. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

I had a couple of really down days after the sentencing of the girl who was driving that day. Then I got busy again. I am going to keep fighting for change at this intersection. Best case scenario... we get change. Worst case... People have heard this so much that they slow down anyway. Nothing I do can hurt.

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Shannon, the video is a beautiful way to express what your heart has inside. I know that these are tough times, and like Laurie and Debbie and Becky, you are trying to find some way to make changes at that intersection. I wish you strength and energy to find your way through this piece of time. How is Gramma? The Boys?

I am holding you in my heart and my thoughts, sending prayers to the universe on your behalf.

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Shannon,

The video and drawing are beautiful. I often wish I had an artistic talent that I could use to honor Sam. I'm no good at poetry and I can't draw my way out of a paper bag. Trista would love them.

Kate,

Thinking of you and Ross. Sending prayers and positive thoughts.

Laurie,

Thinking of you tonight. How is your daughter doing. My oldest had a bad day today. A local man was hit and killed by a train this morning. They said he was standing on the tracks facing the train with his arms up. Looks like suicide. She didn't know him but took it really hard. I often think of you and your other kids when mine are having a hard time. It seems that their grief us so often overlooked by others. I hope your mom is feeling better.

Gretchen,

The pictures of your granddaughters are adorable.

I know how you felt with your husband not considering your reaction to his game. My husband does things like that periodically. I just have to bite my tongue and know that he doesn't do this things on purpose even though I think it should be common sense.

I'm sorry about your friend. Keeping you all in my prayers n

Wade,

Again what a wonderful tribute to Brooks that you took that card to the donut shop. I admire you for being able to do that.

Dee,

Thank you for your support. Erica must have been a wonderful woman. I can see what a positive influence you must have had on her life.

Susan,

March is a bad month for you. How is the family doing with Homers passing. I feel like i missed so much in the last few weeks. Thank you so much for all of your wisdom and sharing here. John David is surely proud of his mama.

Yes, Sam's dad did give Junebug to my oldest daughter. She has such a kind heart she couldn't say no. It's not the best situation. She has 4 children and a cat. The kids have always made poor Junebug nervous and being a bulldog, she's not fond of cats, but Afton says that she seems to like it there. I imagine that she has been so neglected that she enjoys the attention now. She gets to sleep in the 9 year old girls bed. Yes, he is a very weak man. I wish I had more of a forgiving nature When it comes to Sam's dad. I did really well at first out of respect for the fact that he is Sam's dad and he loved him, but he is such a cruel hateful person. I really struggle with it now.

Wanda,

Hope you are finding some peace tonight.

We are in Colorado. The place where Sam was getting ready to move with his buddies as soon as his friend got finished with his tour of duty overseas. It has been a rough day. I can hear him, see him, smell him as though he is sitting next to me. Memories of the last time I talked to him as he made the same drive back to Kansas that we are making tonight. I hope that someday this memory won't be so painful. I want the memories to feel warm and good. All the wonderful positives make my heart ache and make me cry. Is this normal? Well I ever be able to smile when I see his face?

Sam, I love you. I miss you. I'm trying to hold it together until I see you again. Love mom.

Thank you,

Debbie

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Something else I wanted to say about Sam's dad, Dave. I think the worst part is that I wanted to hold on to that piece of Sam also. Not any romantic ideation, but the friendship, to be able to share the memories of our son, what was. I am hurt and I feel that for some crazy reason I've lost something. But I suppose realistically I remember why we got divorced in the first place.

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Good Morning Indigos - It's been such a long time since I've posted. I read most days and apologize for not posting but I could use some help right now. My little sister just lost the older of her two boys to a heroin overdose. Both of her sons were addicted to heroin, both went to 3 month rehab in Michigan and the younger boy is doing well (so far). 

 

How do I help her? I know what she and her husband are facing: the long and trecherous journey of grief; the days after everyone goes home and goes on with their lives and you're left asking why; the realization that this isn't a dream...he's not coming back.

 

I pray for all you kind folks on this website. May I ask you to say a little prayer for my sister and her family? Peace and love to all.....Shelly

 

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Shelly, such sad news for your Family, I am so sorry. Prayers are being sent and hope, Lord knows how hard it is to find Hope when one is early on this road. I am sorry for what this opens in your heart too, so hard to be near a deep loss.

As you know, you can only do so much for one in grief, she will need to take one step at a time as you did, as we all have, and you will be there for her when she needs. You also though, must take care of yourself in this.

 

Debbie, so nice to see your posts, you manage to touch everyone's heart here with your connections.

 

Shannon, I agree with Debbie, the video and art work is lovely. Delve where your spirit takes you Shannon, it is the path you need to investigate.

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Mermaid Tears

Shelly....my sympathy for your family and your sister and her family.....long ago I learned that one doesn't have to fly huge airplanes into our tallest buildings to rip America apart.....

no....they simply have to infuse our America with drugs....our children don't have to die in burning buildings...they die in our arms and hearts from the drugs...

   this scene is playing in every corner...the devastation is in multiples...and the grief multiplies...

You will know how this grief journey starts....with no map or compass...you are farther ahead on the path...and you can reach your hand out to your sister and family...

   every family has their own dynamics...and I would do whatever made you feel comforted....

someone sitting quietly by your side...letting you cry...talking about your child...

someone preparing food and cleaning up the kitchen...running errands...feeding pets....tending to the yard....

  someone helping with all the details.....planning the Memorial..... writing the obituary...looking through photos....contacting other family members and friends....one doesn't have to look far to do something simple for grieving parents.

    Please let us know how things go for you and yours...Peace to you.

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Shelly, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with Dee and Susan in all that they have suggested. You are in our thoughts and prayers. 

 

Shannon, thank you for sharing your lovely art work and video. A terrific tribute to Trista. I hope this week will bring you some joy and peace.

 

Debby, thanks for all that you share with us. Thank you for your thoughts on Ross. We appreciate it.

 

We woke up again today to more winter conditions. A strong north wind...will it ever end? Ross just called from his car, as he is off to the city for the morning. A huge eagle circled several times over the car. He took that as a good sign that spring is on its way. Wishing everyone a peaceful day. Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....I watched the video and re-read the poem...twice...it is hard for me....the hurt and longing seem to come out of the screen and meets my hurt and longing....

   there is a lot of love in every pixel...for that pixie daughter...

after John David's Memorial.....in fact a couple of weeks....I thought about that song...and wish I had put that in his Memorial video.....once again....I seem to second guess myself over everyTHING....getting so tired of my mind going in circles...instead of focusing.....

 

You are having a hard time...and we know that...and you have a good heart....and right now it is shattered...please keep in mind that 'IT ALL' doesn't have a time frame....there is not a stop watch to ring 'GO' or 'STOP'....it is more important for you to 'self care' and take care of the boys now....

    the problems with the intersection can be put on your back burner for now.....

and you can pick that up later....

   You have June coming up....it looms like a dark cloud....causing lots of anxiety and stress...practice what you have been learning....keep your Grama close.....and we are all here for you.

 

 

Kate....I worked in my yard yesterday.....and I remembered.....last year I did not care if the yard grew up so high they could bale hay in it...then Daniel had his surgery....Essie told me 'that people that dug their hands in the dirt would never go crazy'....so I guess I am sane....

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johngeoffdoug

Steves Mom,

oh how true to our lives is that poem? To know that so many people are going through this pain. So many before us, so many after. The days for me seem to be getting more difficult, maybe it's because not so many people come around anymore, that they're still moving on with their lives now, while my life seemed to stop on August 9th, 2013. Last week, I saw the last text that Geoff had sent to someone before he was killed, and it just tore me apart. I was at work when the person sent it to me, and I had to leave immediately. They know here that there are times when I just can't be here and act like everything is normal. Later that day, when my husband got home from work, he brought in a package that was left on our doorstep, it was a Christmas present. As I opened it, I knew that it had to have something to do with Geoffrey. Well, it was a beautiful framed poem written about Christmas and losing a child. The people who it's from are parents of kids that my kids went to school with. I didn't know how it arrived on my doorstep that day until I rec'd a text from my sister in law saying that she had left it there that day, that she had forgotten that she'd had it in her car .. since before Christmas!!! In the text she told me that she thinks of Geoffrey every day .. I so wanted to send a text back to her saying that if she thought of him every day, she wouldn't have waited over 3 months to drop off the present. I was so angry at the time .. I never did respond to her. Sometimes silence is a better choice.

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Mermaid Tears

Karen ...what a priceless gift.....I was thinking how you would/should frame the Thank You note after such a long time....for the people that created it for you have got to be wondering if you liked/didn't like their gift.....or they could be wondering if they should have given it to you.....

    I have to shake my head about some people and their etiquette or....is it laziness....or just no follow-through....and for sure...a sign of shallowness....

   Anyway.....hold and hug the gift....and all the care, consideration and thoughtfulness given with it....

and smile because someone...somewhere...was thinking of your son and his family .....

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Wade----thanks for the "Velveteen Rabbit" video.....lovely familiar story, well-read,

and the artwork so pretty. My David used to love stories, and asked for one to

be read to him each night before bed when he was little.  How we cherish those memories, don't we?

Thank you for your posts.

 

Ted----Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

 

Dee-----We had a lot of fun when the grandies came to stay overnight, Sat.  They

had pancakes & bacon and hot cocoa for breakfast Sunday a.m.  Becky is doing

well....thank you for asking. We have crocuses up now....among patches of snow. :huh:

I guess they just got tired of waiting. It is near 50 degrees today, and lots of birds

still coming to the feeders.  Good day to get some outside work done....work that

is long overdue because of the winter.

 

Susan-----Thanks for posting the writing.  It is so true for all of us here at BI.....we

will come through, but our lives will never be the same.

 

Kate-----We had about 2--3 inches of snow Sat. night. :(  I hope you enjoyed your

chili burger...sounds good.  Sending prayers for Ross.

 

 

Gretchen-----

Yes---computer problems are so aggravating.I hope you get yours up & running soon.

I'm hoping that I don't lose my connection again.  Sorry to hear of  Josh's  death. Prayers for Lynn and

her family in this time of deep sorrow.  Thanks for the pics of those darling little girls. Cute as a button!

 

 

Shellyku---

 

I'm sorry to hear of your sister's son's death.  Prayers for all.

 

Laurie----Thanks for your kind words., and also for the song/video.

Shannon-----Your video of Trista is so very sweet, and such a lovely tribute to her.

Thanks for posting it.

 

PEACE    AND    COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry      

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Mermaid Tears

post-306805-0-35886300-1396297899_thumb.

 

 

 

 

This was on my FB page....and for some reason....I really needed to read this today....and I felt it deeply....kissing March good-by.....and all the emotional markers and pitfalls...hitting velvet walls.....

     thought it would give some or many some food for thought....

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