Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hey All, love the music coming in from everywhere, Angel directed-

Lora,Beam Me UP, Lovely. Did Pink lose someone Dear to her? It was a poignant rendition of loss.

Love Dante's Prayer Laurie, a haunting beauty.

 

Hi Debbie, good to see you today. How are you? Where are you?

 

Wanda, I know, the past life we lived just yesterday...it was very different than the life now. I promise that it will get softer, not now, maybe even not soon, but it will in time in tiny increments.

 

Susan, that Grandma Essie is one beautiful source in your life, and now in uor lives. Thanks for sharing her with us.

 

Sherry, oh the poor bluejay, but again, there goes that life cycle again. You have received a lot more snow than us I think. A snow belt of sorts for you. We have gotten however, more than twice what we usually have all winter already. The cold however is closing the schools and this is not good. Oh well, nothing I can do but enjoy the sun coming through the windows. Being here with all of you is nice.

 

Wade, golf away Dude, how nice to have that to do with your friend. I imagine it could be pretty on a golf course. I am no golfer obviously, but I too love to be outdoors. Enjoy the day.

 

Sandy, just breathe and know that Sarah is holding you close in her forever heart. We are holding you here as well.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky..our Warrior Mom....you create straight from the 'heart'....

 

Dee...I see on the news that all Chicago area schools are closed....and....voila...

  We are getting strong arctic winds today...plunging our South Texas into freezing temps...and tomorrow....sleet, snow, ice Wintery Mix...they call it....but ...it will only last one day....then Wed. and on...temps will rise again....

   I am thinking Tay will not have her soccer game tomorrow evening....they will not allow buses on iced roads...good...our children's safety means more than a soccer game....

   So tomorrow....I get to experience what ya'll live with all winter....I will 'hunker down'...

 

Wanda...I am so glad your loved ones know that you need them now...like never before...and are staying close to you...we find we have to re-arrange our lifestyles to 'fit grief' in our everyday lives....for it is such a foreign visitor in the landscape of our lives....

  Laurie made her a 'nest' in a corner with a comfy chair, books, light, blankets....

Wade sleeps on his couch...

I slept on the couch in the living area or the guest bedroom....for my sleep patterns were so erratic..I was like a manic zombie...up and down...wandering around the house in my housecoat...watching TV...reading...energy at 3 AM to wallpaper the world....and then would not be able to walk out of a burning house at 3 PM......

 

Steve's Mom....we feel your grief through the screen...it is just so damn hard...just stay with us...hold on with both hands...we will be here to hear you rant..rave..pray...cry...wail...we all come to that fence that we just can't seem to climb over to the 'green grass'...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

DelDOT came and fixed the pole! They were able to straighten it up. Thank goodness because otherwise they would have taken Jared's picture off of it had they replaced the pole, as it is really against their rules to add anything to the adopt-a -highway sign. They told me they straightened the pole and left his picture in place and would not remove it as long as no one complained about it. 

[Mermaid Tears]

I can only imagine the desperation the parents are feeling about sending their child to compete in this years Olympics...so sad...but so true that the factions of terror...are straight on...brutal...and they have had years to plan what they will do.....and they will. There is no doubt in my mind it will be horrendous. If I had to choose what to do....I think I would keep our Americans at home...and tell Americans they will travel at their own risk....for it is impossible to out think what the plans are.

   I know many will say that we just can't live our lives this way...and to carry on....and I use to have that mind frame, too...til I lost John David....now I have such a knee jerk reaction in that I don't want anyone to go through what I have.

[SamDsmom]

Becky,

So glad to see they fixed the post. Sam's dad called me yesterday to tell need that someone had torn down a done memorial for a dear family friend. He said it looked like someone had hot it with a car then tried to finish the job by throwing the stones all over the place. I just don't understand that kind of mentality.

I am still trying to catch up with everyone. I don't really have anything to say except I REALLY miss my son. My heart hurts. Thanks for being here.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...so glad that you can cross that 'worry' off your list...

Debbie....have you heard anything from your daughter ? I so agree....we just can't fathom the meanness..and the why  people have the idea they have to destroy....we do understand your hurt and grief...have you been reading any books that have helped you on your grief journey ? I always have something to read on road trips.

 

Dee...what is your 'Grama name'.....? I have this sign in my house...

"I use to think I was too old to fall in love again...and then I became a Nonnie"

She is simply all that 'sugar and spice'....I love to baby sit and have my GRANDchildren all to myself...

 

Lora...am glad your brother can heal at home...I think hospitals are the worst places for getting the 'good rest' one needs to heal..so noisy...and since he is a 'workaholic' he will have that attitude one needs to 'get on and stay on' til all is fit again...you have really been spread thin.

 

Shannon...thank you for sharing Trista's artwork...I love kid art...I have my children's art framed and on my walls...priceless..

[SamDsmom]

It's good to be back and start feeling connected again. Not much has changed with me. I haven't heard from my daughter. Her sister's keep me updated from her Facebook page. I have been blocked. She is in Dallas doing what she needs to do to feed her habit and have money. I think that my mind and heart have shut down. Lately I have felt very very numb. I don't really cry a lot (more than a couple of times a day)but do get very sad.

SAM was such an awesome person. He went out of his way to help his sister. He would drive 3 or 400 miles at times when she would go out of town for "parties" when she would get stuck without a way to get home. When she asked for money he would full her car with gas or buy her a meal instead. The last time she saw him she had been at the house for money. When he told her no, She got very very nasty and hateful. He threw some money out the back door and told her to leave and not come back. I think that is the reason for this latest relapse. She can't live with the guilt. I used to stay up crying and worrying about her. Now since what she did at Christmas I can't identify any feelings toward her. That makes me very sad.

Wade,

I would like to see pictures of Brooks headstone. I don't know if you posted and I just missed. I have to use my phone most of the time and it's hard to go back.

Kate,

Good to hear about your brother. Sounds like he had a long road in front of him but so lucky to be alive.

Shannon,

Hope you enjoy your weekend with your husband.

Becky, Lora, Dee, Susan and Laurie and everyone else thanks for being here.

I see a lot of new people also. I'm so so so sorry for the circumstance that bring us here. I can't imagine that it will ever get better but it does get different all the time

Debbie

[ericasmom]

band that I LOVE, The National singing a song called Sorrow-

 

 

Debbie, again, so good to see you.

 

Susan, I am Grammy or Grammydee

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I do believe being NUMB is a stage of dealing we go through and with so much on your plate right now, I am not surprised. It allows you to move around and do the day to day. Some of that is also shock. We are right next to you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie, it was good to see your post...sending you warm HUGS today...

 

******************************

 

Court date went as expected. We feel that the DA is very solid in our corner. I wil say had we not gotten the private reconstruction this case would have went no where.

 

So the next phase is the pre-trial conference to determine by the judge if there is enough to go forward. I think there will be. If it moves forward it will be going until August.

 

Also, she did not show up for court today...what a loser...

 

Laurie

[Steve s mom]

Yes Dee that was the song

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....because you did your part of the homework...research...dotted the 'i's'....and crossed the 't's'....and kept moving forward...even though it was a struggle to even crawl....there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel...applause for you and yours....I know it was a hard rock kind of day....and many on the site will be clapping on the sidelines....

[ericasmom]

Well Laurie, I am glad that the case is still moving forward and I hope that the judge rules in your favor. Sometimes we just need others to know that what happened---shouldn't have, that there are lives that have changed for all of time because of the laws or the breaking of laws that were in effect at that moment in time.

 

Maryanne, what a beautiful song.

[wgreenlee]

Laurie...

 

Good to hear that the court date went ok.  Yes...some people can never accept responsibility.  Will be praying that the judge sees the light...

 

Debbie...

 

Good to see you feel "connected" again.  Yes, Sam was an awesome man.  Sometimes you have to step back from other people's problems and look to yourself.  I know it's hard, but your daughter might need to hit that "rock bottom," and having dealt with some addiction with Brooks, it then is a personal decision to wallow in it or climb out.  Hopefully your daughter will decide to climb out.  Brooks wasn't a heavy user, but enough to get him in trouble and take away opportunities, and he turned it around so it can happen.  Will be praying for you and her.

 

Susan...

 

Love the "Nonnie" name...sometimes my students tell me things and talk about their grandparents...don't know if any of them use that name...I like it.  I wonder where it comes from though.  I really believe you are right about "True Love."  I know with Brooks there were a few times when that love was tested, but I am proud to know that this love was eventually what got him through everything.  But it was also Brooks' love back to us...it seems like everyone here really has that in common...our children were very loving, compassionate people.

 

Lora...

 

I like that song too.  My kids think it's funny I like Pink, but what can I say...she sure can sing.

 

Becky...

 

 I love how you show Jared in the pictures.  You can see in this one that he has a little smile and must be thinking of something happy.  I am so glad that the road crew straightened the sign and understand how important it is to you.  There are good people out there.

 

Kate...

 

No golfing today...but worked with Rod on fixing a couple of his quads.  He has 15 and 17-year old boys and they break stuff.  Broke the steering column on one of them yesterday, so we were trying to weld and straighten it...  The welds broke twice so we gave up.  He's just going to buy a new column.  Fun trying, though.

 

Sherry...

 

Sure wish we could switch weather.  We really need some snow in the mountains and rain down here.  Don't need the cold, but I suppose it goes together.  I feel like I am still trying to "forget" and that, yes, it really didn't happen and sometimes it feels that my life really is back to the way it was...until, of course, I see a picture or think I could call him to wish him goodnight or something.  Thought I was a little nutso for thinking that way.  Reality will set in and I am getting ready for it...

 

Dee...

 

I like the music too.  Gives me a connection... Sometimes it soothes the soul and other times, not.  But always there is some "emotion" or "feeling," which is important.  I never want to feel "nothing."

 

Thinking of you, Chris, and your boy, Adam...

And you too, Ted, and your boy, Nick...

And Karen, and your boy, Geoff...

 

I'm all used up now, but here is the little wooden headstone...simple and to the point.  Thank you all for always being there!!!

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, I too am very pleased that today went well. I hope that the judge will rule in your favor for a positive outcome.

 

Wade, what a beautiful tribute to your boy! You did an amazing job.

 

Sending love to everyone tonight. Kate 

[JD's Mom, Becky]

beautiful marker,Wade, how did you get the picture on there?

 

You are right, about there are some good people out here. The man at DelDOT that i have always cooresponded with about different issues, has always been kind to me, even though we may have had differences of opinion along the way, the opinions on both sides have always been delivered respectfully to each other. He could have imposed a fine and ordered me to take Jared's picture off of the adopt a highway sign, but he did not, and was nice enough to write and tell me that it would be safe in the future as long as nobody complained. In 2012 I contacted him to let him know that someone had shot their $6000 speed sign on our road with a shotgun. He still wishes to prosecute whoever did that, which it is rumored that the driver's brother had a hand in that. It would seem they don't like ANY reference to this road or to the crash, so I am sure they don't want to see Jared's face! Too bad!!!! Tired now, made about 20 corrections to my typing. awful!!

 

Hang in there, Laurie, praying for you!!

 

 

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I'm glad the sign got fixed and so glad the DOT guys will look the other way and Jared's sign gets to stay. I also love the poem you posted. I hope we all get those dreams tonight.

Wade,

Then marker is beautiful and I love that Brooks' picture is there. You really did an awesome job. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Laurie,

I'm so glad that things are moving forward in a positive direction for you. Maybe it was good that she didn't show up today and you didn't have to see her. Like Susan said, you have done all this work.

I always love all the music that's posted. Thanks to all who share their 'special' songs. They always touch me.

There is no way I can catch up with everything tonight. I'll finish reading more posts tomorrow. I'm beat. Aiden is still going strong though. He said, "Please, Mom! I just want fundy five minutes!" I don't know how long that is but sounds way too long for me. Wish me luck.

I'm thinking of everyone tonight and sending wishes for sweet dreams of our Angels.

I'm going to post a sketch I've been working on of Trista. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I do like it.

[ericasmom]

Wade, a beautiful marker for Brooks. Wonderfully done.

No, I never want to feel nothing either, but I don't think either of us have to worry about that.

 

Becky, so glad that the deldot guy has been cooperating. I am sorry that your hands and legs are acting up, when do you head back to the doctor?

 

Shannon, I LOVE the sketch. I draw too, but your style is lovely. Your little Sprite is right there in the lines you drew, peeking out at you.

[wgreenlee]

Becky...

 

I routed and then carved out an inset.  I hard laminated his picture and then used that sticky fabric spray...left over from the casket ... on the board and the back of his picture, and then caulked a piece of plexiglass over it.  Hopefully that will protect it a while from the weather.  Wasn't sure which picture to use so I printed some at Walmart and a few were from those school photographers.  The man asked me for copyright permission...didn't even think of that...but when I told him what it was for he understood and said no problem.  There are good people all around...makes the day a little brighter when you meet them.  Just need to "pay if forward."

 

Shannon...

 

Your sketch is really beautiful... "Where you're going..."  You will know when you get there...but I do know where it comes from...the wonderful heart of a loving and grieving mom.  Thank you...not just because you posted it, but because it shows that we can grieve and still honor our children in ways that also touch others.  It is a work of love and we all need more of that so thank you again.

 

And thank you everyone else...  I can feel myself, at times, growing stronger from reading and posting on this site...from the love shared and the love given...and even from the sharing of pain that we all feel.  Other times, like some of you have said, I am just an infant trying to make my way in this new world, and I still need so much love and help...and you provide it without reservation.  That is an amazing gift to give to someone you have never even met.

 

"If Only" things were different...

 

 

Sleepless nights...wakeful dreams

I see a man far in the distance

He beckons me forward

But I am stuck in time

 

It moves so slowly now

Trapping me in shadows

Whispering past memories

Like the wind through trees

 

A soft breeze so quiet

I yearn for it's gentle caress

For just a moment...one moment

I wish so much to stay

 

But I am the man calling

For this journey must continue

The wind blows again

With memories to move me forward

[SamDsmom]

Wade,

Thank you for sharing Brooks marker. It is beautiful. It has touched my heart. You were blessed that Brooks was able to come back from his addiction so you could enjoy him before he had too leave. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Shannon,

I can see the LOVE in the details of your sketch. It is wonderful.

Becky,

Thank you for the poem. I have a difficult time expressing my feelings sometimes but that says exactly what I am feeling tonight.

Laurie,

I agree with Shannon, it was probably a good thing that you didn't have to see her today. I am in the process of finding an attorney for a case against the RR. Even though it will probably never go to court, I can't imagine seeing the person responsible for my Sam leaving.

Sitting here in D.C. trying to stay warm. Hoping for a good run somewhere tropical real soon. Got a few new pictures today. They are what pull me through sometimes.

[Mermaid Tears]

All schools are closed in South Texas and all schools in Houston, Austin, San Antonio...we were to get 'some snow'...Pebbie was so excited...but...all we have got is rain and sleet....the snow is to the east of us....going to be some disappointed kids in Brenham....

 

Love is a verb....there is action in love...there is movement...

 

Wade...I see so much of 'Daddy Love' in your creation...the planning...the saws, wood, screws, sanding, primer, painting is all a part of the work of love...and you ...once again...have something to do for your SONshine boy....it is 'art from the heart'....and it is just perfect for your Brooks.

   I think all parents still have that 'need'....the need to do something for our child...just think of all we did for them...

 

Shannon....you, too, have that need...and look what your love created....I see 'magic..a fairy...mystic...wispy Trista'....yes...'art from the heart'....

 

Your trip with your husband for a week-end get-a-way sounds like a 'just what the Dr. ordered' Shannon....I remember you said many times that you would like to get in your car and drive and drive...and I think you will be gathered in kind company....for I would think there will be many like you....wanting a message from the lost loved one. I think this will be a Win/Win for you and your husband. Travel safe...

 

Debbie...I hope you get to find a road to milder weather....and those GRANDchildren are precious...and mine bring me a ray of hope...they give me a measure of continuation...I have a sense of forward motion with them...and those arms that hug me...is pure healing for a broken heart. As for your daughter...another heartache for you....we can't turn our backs or let our children go....ever....but we can realize and accept that we simply do not have the kind of control over an adult child...especially one in deep with addiction....have you been in touch with an Alanon group ? They will be the ones to help you out the most...many parents in that group have the same situation...and with tools to support and guide you.

[Guest]

 

.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Lora for the info about Pink. She gets it for sure with that song.

I have had folks that did not know about Eri's dying ask me how she is, and the discomfort folks feel when we tell them is so hard to be near. I hate for folks to feel badly. One woman, about a year after Erz died was chatting with me in her store. She said something to the affect of " you could of run me over with a train..." in reference to being stunned by something in her life. Then asked, " how's your Daughter?" Oh Lord I wanted to crawl out of there to avoid telling her that Erica was killed by a train. We do the best we can, and your letting this young lady know that you like talking about Cara must have made her feel better. You are a good woman.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks to all who responded for Jesse's court date.

 

Wishing everyone here a peaceful day...please take care of yourselves...

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Daniel and I went to the Auburn/ A&M game...a college buddy of his asked..'Where's John David'? (because he and Daniel went to all home games together)...it was a paralyzing moment for all...Daniel had to walk away...and I gently told him what had happened...he was so shaken and embarrassed...

   We do become the 'comforter'...for we know it was not intentional....and gosh knows...we don't need any more pain spread around...

  later when we were walking to the stadium...I never felt so sorry for two sad people in my life...me and Daniel...

Oh...and while we were traveling to the game we were listening to the radio...they were interviewing guys that had played for A&M years before....and one said he and his wife were expecting their first baby...a boy...and he was naming him John David....

[ericasmom]

Susan, how cold did it get in your neck of the woods? We are finally above zero by 3 degrees. Hooray!

[Jeff's Mom]

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate

[Chris_P]

I worked Christmas day and boxing day. We still all had a nice time. We had Christmas dinner when I finished and exchanged presents. It was a good day. On the Friday, 27th December, Chantal and Ben had to work so it was just me and Adam at home. He helped me tidy the house then we settled down to a table full of left over Christmas food and watched a film. We talked and laughed. It was another good day. Except it wasn't, because Adam went out that night at about 7pm and I never saw him alive again.

Fortunately Chantal and Ben were home before Adam went out so mum, dad and brother all got to see him that day before he died. He was 17 and 7 months. He was my baby.

We knew he was meeting friends and was possibly going into the city. He was such a sensible kid and his friends all were to. At home Adam would never drink, even if offered a sneeky beer, but we knew that when out with his friends, he would have a drink, more out of wanting to fit in, but never to excess as far as we knew.

The next morning when we got up he wasn't there. He did sometimes stay out at friends and so we wern't to concerned although he would normally text us to let us know. That's all we asked however there had been a couple of times he hadn't, either forgetting or because his battery was dead.

I tried ringing him and at about 9.30am I sent a text saying, "are you alive?". It was meant as a joke! Some joke.

Chantal and I walked into the local village and came back just after lunch time fully expecting Adam to be home but he wasn't. We tried calling his phone many times but it just rang out. We called some of his friends who he had been out with and they said they last saw him outside a club in town at about 2.30am. He had been with some people and didn't want to go home so they left him.

We started to worry and called the police.

The police came and took details. They checked his phone and came up with a 500 metre area in the city where it was. When Ben got home, me and him, armed with torches went into the city and began to search. We spoke to drunks, tramps and doormen. We checked down alleyways, in bins, down canal sides...everywhere.

We came home at around 7am with nothing. By now word was out and people were wanting to help. The police were arranging searches but we arranged our own and 100+ people turned up at midday and helped us search the city centre. His friends from college brought leaflets and posted them everywhere. By the time it went dark again and we still had nothing, I began to lose hope.

I did an appeal on TV then the next day we went to police headquarters and I did another. As we drove home from the police station I got a call from the police saying they needed us to come home straight away. I asked if they had found Adam and after a long pause, they said yes.

With my wife in hysteria, I drove home, breaking every traffic law and hardly able to see for the tears streaming down my face. My worst nightmare had come true.

Adam had been drinking and had began to walk home. He fell from about 25 feet and died from his injuries. Without going into detail, the location he fell was inacessable to anyone and it was quite fortunate he was found at all.

Adam was so popular, he had so many friends especially at his college where they lay a carpet of flowers and lit candles spelling his name. Despite the cold and the rain, his friends took turns to stay with the vigil and relight all the candles throughout the coming nights.

Because his missing and then death had been a big news story, it seemed to capture the people in the city and the following night, new years eve, just before the fireworks in the city centre park, 8000 people fell completely silent for a minute to remember him. It was incredible.

Later, we sent a message to the paper which they printed, thanking people for their love and support and we added that, “We know we are not alone in suffering the ultimate loss of losing a loved child, either through illness or tragedy, and so we share and dedicate that minute’s silence to all parents and families who find themselves in our desperate position.”

We didn't know the people we were dedicating to at that time, but we know some of them now and that is the people here. We share your grief. We know we now belong to a special group of people who truly know the pain of losing a child because until it happens, it is impossible to fully imagine.

We are now 1 month into what we know will be a very long journey and that we have hardly begun. Life will never be the same.

 

[wgreenlee]

Chris...

 

I read some of the news articles and videos...again, I can't really express how sorry I am for anyone having to go through that.  When the deputy knocked on our door at 7 in the morning I didn't answer it, because I was so worried about what he had to say.  I immediately called Brooks' phone and got no answer...still have that "no answer" call on my phone.  Then the deputy knocked again and of course we answered...immediately we asked if it was about Brooks and he said "Yes, and it's bad."  And then told us he was a victim of a homicide.  Those things are etched now in my mind and will never be forgotten, but the good memories are gradually making that morning fade a little.  You are new to this journey and I don't have a lot of wisdom for you since I'm pretty new too.  But from talking with people on this site, I have gained a "sense" of myself again so that I can navigate each day without going bonkers.  Adam was your precious child and that will never...ever...end.  Your video shows the immense love you had for Adam and what a good lad he was.  

 

We have had numerous discussions here about what "we" as parents could have done different to save our children...and I pray right now that you understand there was nothing you could have done...  It doesn't take away the pain, but I needed to hear it when I first came here.

 

Adam reminds me of Brooks.  So many friends.  So handsome and adventurous.  His video shows that.  We had two viewings since there were so many who wanted to visit with him...and his Celebration filled the church.  Adam made a difference...he was loved not only by his family, but by all his friends...and that was quite the honor they gave him...  I think that was their way of showing you how much he meant to them.  We will be saying Adam's name here too for you are now part of this family.  I hope and pray it helps you like it helps me.

 

I still can't quite grasp the enormity of what happened with Brooks...still so new...but I will tell you that there have been many good memories shared that originally caused me to sob...the deep, shoulder hunching sobs that only we can know...and now bring a smile to my face.  I still cry and yell every day, but I am finding a way to just put one foot in front of the other and continue on.  We talk a lot about honoring our children...that is what I am trying to do.  My life has changed and will never be the same, but I will live on...was a point I didn't think I could...but with this site and good friends around me I am finding a little peace.  Still have so far to go...and sometimes I find it hard to face the day...but that's ok...I took the day off yesterday, and my friend took it off with me so we could finish my son's wooden headstone.  I will take other days off...write poems...make videos...post on Facebook...talk with his friends...  I will mourn for my son and all the children we have lost, because that is who I am now.  Doesn't make me better or worse...now just different and in need of more compassion and love than I thought I ever needed before.  This site is giving me those things and I am so thankful I found it.  I pray the same for you.

 

Tell us more about Adam...share his story...share his pictures...whatever you need to do because we will be here for you and your family.

[SamDsmom]

My Sam,

I love you so much. I wanted to tell you how much I love you again. Everyone tells me you are in a better place. Somewhere deep down I know that's true but in my heart I don't know where else you could be but with the people who love you.

I'm sorry that I haven't spent more time talking to you since you've been gone. I spend every waking moment of the day trying to stay busy, trying not to think, trying not to feel, pretending that this is all a bad horrorible dream, nightmare.

I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to marry that rich girl so you could put me in that nice nursing home when I get older. Remember when I joked that you needed to get a good job so you could let me move in and take care of me?

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch after kindergarten and holding hands you saying the Lord's prayer.

Little fish, swirly burials at sea. Patches the dog and the teddy bear hampster that used to sleep with you.

I wanted to tell you that since you have been gone, your dad and I have put the past behind us and have become good friends. I don't know what I would do without his support. He is heartbroken, but he keeps telling me that we have to go on. He has had 10 to 15 of your friends at the house every Sunday since your accident to watch football. Joe, Patrick, Mike, Dylan, Juan, Micheal, Caleb, Kit and the rest of the gang.

Im sorry that I am afraid. Afraid of forgetting things. Things like the way your laugh sounds, your voice, the way you smell. The way you walk. All of the things that I took for granted that are gone forever except right here right now in my mind.

I have been thinking about when you were 9 and you decided that you were too old for a hug from your mom before your little league game.

When you were 6 and you and Brendon broke the window out of the garage and you cut your eye. You were so brave getting stitches.

Stinky gyms during wrestling and when you had to go on a diet before your match and couldn't eat homemade mac n cheese or pizza. You were so pouty. I was so worried about that wrestling and so glad when it was over.

When you apologized to me after your first football game as a freshman because you had been short with me before the game, explaining that you had to concentrate and get in the "zone".

When you flew out to Atlanta after staying up all night playing poker with the boys and forgot to bring most of your clothes.

Taking pictues before your sr. Prom. The decorations on the truck.

Telling everyone that you were driving your truck on the way home from the river that night when it got wrecked. I now know that Mike was driving and you covered for him because he had been n trouble a few times and you didn't want him to get that added.

The last Mt. Dew and dancing in QT parking lot. I'm so sorry.

I am trying sugar. Sometimes it's just too much for this Debbie Downer. I don't want to stop.

I keep your ashes on my bunk with me. I am saving to buy us (your sisters and I) necklaces to hold them in to keep you by our hearts. You will always be in my heart.

im sorry that I didn't call you back that Friday. I'm sorry that I didn't know that you were going to be hurt so I could stop it.

Im sorry that I wasn't a better mother. I'm sorry that I didn't protect you.

[Mermaid Tears]

ChrisP.....this is so strange....a parent on this site...Lora....had that 'song' engraved on her daughter's memorial stone...and I had it engraved on the memorials for my son's siblings...'I hope you have the time of your life'....

the memorials that held his ashes.....

    yes....it is hard...and it is ongoing....and.....it is just so damn hard....

I hope you can re-read the posts....for in those...you will find a word or words...to let you know you are not alone....

we have Dads here....that will and can relate....thank you for sharing your SONshine boy....

   and sharing your hurt and pain....

we have no answers here....but we do have a common thread...which is our grief...our journey....

Your grief journey will be as unique as your child....as it should be and is....it is yours...

You are not alone....and as I have said many times.....I am not crazy....I am just in mourning....

and you will wear your mourning in your own style....no one else's....just yours....thank you for sharing...

many on this site will reach out to you and understand the language you are speaking....

it is a foreign language of grief and longing and unanswered questions....

but you are not alone....

[wgreenlee]

Debbie...

 

So much love and loss in your words to Sam.  Memories that bring tears and smiles... I know it's not ok right now...but it will be, Debbie...it has to be for there is much to do in our lives to honor our children.  I know your son better now...thank you.  I am going to copy your letter if that's ok so I can reread it from time to time in my own grief.  Sounds quite a bit like Brooks.  Same things going on...especially about being in the "zone" before the game.  Brooks was always so serious about giving his best effort.  Our children want to please us..and we want to please our children.  I know that you did that...you were a good mom...

 

Like I mentioned to Chris...I have gone through that thinking about what I could have done or said to protect my child...but in my situation I have finally allowed myself to realize there was nothing I could have done.  Brooks went to a friend's house and someone else took his life.  I will forever wonder how that is possible...but there is still nothing I could have done short of keeping Brooks home and making him a prisoner in his own home.  And I would never have done that...so I live with the question that I'm sure others have too..."Why?"  But for me, and me only, I will never question what I could have done different.  I was a good parent and my son was a good man...  Fate...chance...God's will...or in the end...a decision made by another human being.

 

What a tough road we are on...  I will be saying prayers over and over again for you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....we were prepared...as much as we could be...for snow..sleet ......the schools were closed...also all colleges...in our South Texas area.....for Brenham...I woke up at 4 this morning....I have  worry for my Golden Girls who live at my apartments....for we only have electricity...no gas.....and with ice...we will have broken limbs that will break lines...but...as the morning wore on....the rain....went east of us....and it kept traveling on.....and we missed the bullet ...so to speak...so now..tonight we will have some high 20's....then tomorrow we will have temps go way above....many areas to the east of our area will have the ice..sleet...snow...

 but...never like ya'll have....so....my Pebbie was so disappointed there was no 'snow'....but I told her that we always get snow in February...so ...she still has 'snow hope' in her heart....

   am thinking of my Northern sisters....geez....maybe I should move to South Padre...just kidding....the bluebonnets will be springing forth in the Spring...and I could never be away when they make their debut...

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....yes...that question....the 'Why'.....

and then....yes....we all come to the center with the 'think tank' that we are so super human that we can protect our child...with our love...

   and then...we find that we humans simply don't have that kind of control...here on this human earth...

but we simply have super human love for our child....

and that is the way it should be...

 

many on this site will relate....

when we empty our pockets...take off our shoes....and take off every vested truth...we ever believed in....

there was nothing we could do.....

to change the outcome...

for our love is still the same...still as strong...

as when they were here...

as when they are there....

[Sholl1955]

Chris, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Adam. Your video shows a handsome, happy young man and a loving family.  You and your family are in my prayers.   Wade, such heartfelt advice you offer to so many on this site as you walk your own grief journey.  You are an encouragement to many.Thank you.

 

Debbie, your letter to Sam is evidence of your deep love for him.   You are a strong woman.  That is the thing about this journey, we feel so very weak, but in reality we are strong.  It sometimes takes all of the strength we have just to face another day without our child. 

 

I am thinking of all of the special people on this site and hope for a restful night for everyone.

 

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Chris, thanks so much for sharing your family, your Sweet Son, Adam, with us. For sharing your broken heart. I know what it takes to do that, I also know that telling your story is necessary, to let folks know who Adam is, what his life means to you and to all of his Friends and Family. He is a beautiful Boy, so very sweet. He is dearly missed I know. You hang on to us, we are holding on to you.

 

Debbie, you keep writing to your Dearheart Son, let those emotions out and clear some way for your heart, for all of those pieces. It hurts so much but you are finding your steps Debbie.

[wgreenlee]

"Wade....yes...that question....the 'Why'.....

and then....yes....we all come to the center with the 'think tank' that we are so super human that we can protect our child...with our love...

   and then...we find that we humans simply don't have that kind of control...here on this human earth...

but we simply have super human love for our child....

and that is the way it should be..."

 

Susan...

 

What you just said is so true, but you phrased it so well...just what I was thinking, but not really able to convey... Our love is so profound that we think through it we can do anything...but it just doesn't work that way no matter how much we wish it were so.  Thank you for that thought.  It helps to strengthen me when I think of that fateful night...

 

Sandy...

 

My words to others here are sometimes really words in a roundabout way to myself.  They are shaping me in a different way and I don't know if that will be good or bad.  But it will be me nonetheless, whatever that may be.  I pray they bring some solace.  There is just too much pain going around...

 

I received an award today for teacher of the month from our Rotary Club.  My principal told me about it after Brooks' passing so I knew it was coming up.  Not sure why it was this month, but I guess that doesn't matter.  Had a nice lunch with everyone.  My assistant principal said some kinds words about what I do and everything.  They asked me to say a few words so I told them that Brooks had died, but the district and my school had rallied around me, and how could I do any less than give my best effort with support like that.  Anyway, there were a few people afterwards who approached me because they knew Brooks or  had children who knew Brooks, and I again was reminded that Brooks is gone but not forgotten in others' hearts, as well.  One thing that is always a theme is that Brooks was respectful and others enjoyed his company.  I was so very proud of him then...more proud than when he got contacted by some pro scouts.  Being a good person is what lasts...what your legacy is all about.  Brooks did so much in his short life, and left a good legacy.  I believe that is why we are so connected...

 

OUR CHILDREN LEFT LEGACIES TO BE PROUD OF!!!

 

Thank you, my precious son...for being a man who still makes his daddy proud.  My tears are not always from sadness, but from knowing you made a difference in me.  You make me a better man, Brooks.

[Tbearw58]

I just wanted to stop by and read the posts. I have had 2 dreams in which my son Nick has been in them and I don't normally dream. It seems very strange for it to happen now. In each one he lets me know he is ok and I say I wish I could hug you for real one more time but I know your dead and then I wake up because it scares me so much. My son Nick is still remembered by his friend even 2 1/2 months after his passing. They stop and light candles at the accident scene all the time and I see them when I drive home from my night shift job that makes me feel so good that Nick is remembered. I know we are all going through this horrible time in our lives and pray that we can all find comfort in or own way. As a dad I needed to protect my son Nick even at 26 years old but I know we can only show them how to be good and they are out there in life living it on their own.  I still don't sleep more then 4 hours at one time I hope that will change. I would also love to write like some of you do and reply to all the different parents postings but I still need to be about myself and hope I can get to the point of making it about every one else that needs help and comfort some day it will happen. I miss Nick every day and cry for him each day also.  So to each one of you thank you for being here it helps so much and for the new parents I hope I can get to help you someday.. 

[wgreenlee]

Ted...

 

You just keep writing about Nick and that's ok.  We know where your heart is and can feel that compassion towards us.  You need to do what works for you right now...  Thank you Nick's friends for thinking about him and also letting Ted know how much his son meant to everyone.  Be good to yourself buddy.  Not a day goes by that tears don't roll down my face too.  Not ashamed at all either.  Every one of them contains a memory of Brooks and I feel them all.  Good night...hoping for sleep too.  Still doesn't come easy either.

[mikesmomrs]

Wade is right Ted...just keep on writing about your Nick...we want to hear about him. And, though you may not realize it, you already are helping others here...you are showing them that you are making it...even if it is only by one day, one breath, or one memory at a time...Each of those days, breaths and memories shows our child that we are trying, and that we will honor them by living our lives as best we can...we might not be able to do that right away, but we move toward it with each step we take, no matter how small they may be. At the end of my posts is what my son said to me when he learned he was going to die (of brain cancer). I try to remember that each day. The progress I've made through this grief journey has been complicated somewhat by my husband's passing . We had shared our grief over the loss of son, as well as all of our many memories and I no longer have those daily conversations that helped in the effort to bear the unimaginable sorrow of losing one's child. I know that you will find much comfort and understanding here, with no judgment as to how you are grieving. I have been posting since November of 2006...just a month after our son's passing. My posting since the loss of my husband has been less frequent, but that does not mean my thoughts of and prayers for those who are here. Take care, Ted, and move through this journey at your own speed. We are here for you just as we have been all along...for each other.

[mikesmomrs]

I forgot to add a few lines from a poem I found on a site dedicated to poetry written by those grieving the loss of a loved one. It was written by Mark Rickerby after the loss of his brother when his brother was 38. These last few lines grabbed my heart...I am still trying for more of the "loving reflection" but the loss of my husband set me back some and I found more of the "hopeless longing"returning...I am trying again to work my way back to the former...it can be slow going sometimes:

"...we will still cry

we will always cry

but with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

and that is how we survive

that is how the story should end

that is how they would want it to be."

...

written by Mark Rickerby. This is the link to the full poem:

http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/how-we-survive

[mikesmomrs]

Chris...so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful don, Adam....you are so very new to this sorrow and I know it can be so difficult to talk about it but thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for sharing the slide show...beautiful memories of a beautiful life that was much, much too short. You have found a good place to be and you will be comforted and understood here. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Such a kind thing for you to do...dedicating the moment of silence for Chris to all of us who are experiencing this loss.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....I read your letter to your SONshine boy...last night....I did not respond because there are some 'times' I just can't go down that emotional road...I have to keep my balance...but your words...all that Mama Love pouring out of you really touched my Mama's heart....thank you for sharing with all of us...and as you walk your grief journey you will find that Sam is in the details...it is in those small everyday happenings in our lives and of our child...that become the best of them for us.

  As I have said...we don't have answers here...but we are here to listen...and our hearts have an open door.

 

As Wade mentioned....I am the same....

   I will write/post to others....but I am really writing/posting for myself to myself....

When you give to others...you also give to yourself...

[Guest]

.

[SamDsmom]

Ted,

I wrote once from my phone and lost it all so here goes again.

I too have felt very selfish here. I don't express myself well at times. I read what everyone writes here. I feel the pain and want so much to comfort others because I know what they are going through. It helps so much when someone comments on something I've written or acknowledges Sam.

when I read what you write about Nick, it touches my heart. We are all so different but all have the commomality of what brought us here. I have gained so much here. When others tell me I'm selfish, I can come here and have affirmation that I have a right to be. When others tell me well at least the worst is over (holidays and Sam's birthday) I can come here and know that it's not going to ever be over. When I have an anxiety attack, I can write about it and someone will send me a message telling me it's ok and I'm not alone.

I find that I have to be supportive and understanding that my husband can't deal with the new me, so I spend most of my day pretending to be the old me. I have to be strong for the rest of my children because they are dealing with this also and don't need to worry about me too. When I reach out to my pastor he tells me that I should be able to have comfort that Sam is with the Lord and I have to live my life down the right path so I can see him in heaven. So I smile and say of course, that takes it away and makes me feel much better. I ignore the uncomfortable redirection of the topic of Sam and how I'm doing when I try to talk about it to family or friends. I really don't bother with trying any more and they are all relieved. After all it has been 4 months why are you still crying. We've all got problems. You are so selfish.

So, Ted, I keep busy pretending like I dont want to give up and die. But at the end of the day, I can come here and read. I read about what is going on with my new friends. People who know exactly how I feel. People who have been here a long time and some who have just started like me.

I want to reply to every post. I want Wade to know that I always find things in common with Sam and Brooks. I want you to know that Nick must have been an awesome young man. I so admire Dee, Susan, Colleen, Kate, Becky, Laurie, Lora, Wade, Sandy, Shannon, Sherry and everyone else who have become so important in my life. I need to hear about you and Nick. I need to hear about Adam, Cara, Jared, Jesse David, Trista, Brooks, Mike, Sarah, John David, Erica, Steve and everyone else.

Please don't feel like you have to respond to everyone. My head is just clear enough now, at times to remember everyones names.

Just wanted you to know that I need to hear about Nick. Thanks Ted

[Jeff's Mom]

Chris, I watched your video this morning. It brought tears to my eyes. Clearly Adam did indeed have the time of his life. He was surrounded by a loving family and friends. He obviously was doing what young boys of that age do. Living his life fully and enjoying it to the max. I am sorry that you and your family have had to endure such heartache. When I first lost Jeff I was unable to talk about his death to anyone. It was far too painful. In time I was able to open up and convey my feelings at his loss. I was all over the place with my emotions. Mostly numb. It takes a lot of time to accept that they are not with us any longer. I am confident that this site basically saved my life. Keep posting and know that everyone here fully comprehends what you are experiencing. Sending love to your wife and boys! 

 

Ted, go with your instinct. Talk as you feel the emotions hit you. Let it out. You are doing really well actually considering how short a time that it has been. We all have good and bad days.

 

Debbie, Oh, that boy of yours knows how much you love him! It is clearly evident by your letter.

 

Lora, thanks. I'm dumb as a board on computers. Sorry, but I am! C'est la Vie.

 

Susan, I am glad the worst of the storm managed to escape your area. I'm sure it was a very real concern about your Golden Girls. It has warmed up a tad today. If you consider -12C warm. But heck, with the temps we have had the past couple of months I may be digging my capris out soon. Sweet.

 

Becky, thinking of you and hoping you are starting to feel some relief. I'm sure glad they fixed your sign. Hope they catch the little perishers.

 

Wade, how about our Jets? Not too shabby. We lost last night...but they are doing pretty good so far. Counting the days til the Olympics. Praying for a peaceful and safe event. Congrats on your award! That's wonderful. Somehow I knew that you are a terrific teacher.

 

Sherry, I will try to take pics of the snow up here over the next few days.  We have broken all records for snowfall. It is just crazy.

 

Well, that is about it. Not too much to say. Ross is still fighting the neuropathy and so our nights are very broken as far as sleep is concerned. The docs say it could take a year or two for things to return to normal after chemo.  Well, normal by their standards. Many tests and visits. We headed into the city yesterday afternoon to buy some new clothes for him. He has lost so much weight that his pants were almost falling off of him. There is only so much  a belt can do. It appeared to give him a lift. Pardon the pun. Thinking of everyone. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie, thank you for sharing your letter to Sam...he was so loved by you...the struggles with guilt...that is my Achille's heel as well...

 

Chris P, I did read a few of the articles about your son...the first year is spent in mostly shock...this is a good thing since it is too much for our mind to accept at first about our children...your grief journey will be your own...take all the time you need...there will be somedays you may need to rest so take a cue from your body and mind when things seem overwhelming...sending HUGs

 

Ted, there were some very distinct dreams I had of my son as well...hold onto them...I was careful to write them down with the date...that way I could go back to them...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie, " When I reach out to my pastor he tells me that I should be able to have comfort that Sam is with the Lord and I have to live my life down the right path so I can see him in heaven. So I smile and say of course, that takes it away and makes me feel much better."

 

First, thank you for sharing what's on your heart...I had to respond to this response from the pastor...what you shared was an unfortunate idea which was thrown at me the first time I lost my baby, Taylor. I was going to an entirely different church at the time....this is why I never grieved properly for my infant son...

 

However, what is amazing to me is how uncomfortable people (churched) often are of suffering...these things are said because they do not want to see pain...Which is odd to me since faith is built on a suffering Savior...

I think of Job in chapter 3 or how Naomi in the book of Ruth says her name is now "Mara" because the Lord had dealt bitterly with her ...or how Elijah in I Kings 17:17 was upset with God because the widow's son died, Elijah brought him back again...(an Old Testament NDE!)

 

I feel that we are okay with God to be angry, disillusioned, in despair, afraid and that He knows we are mere mortals...to me it takes maturity not to run away from pain and suffering to help those who cannot for a time help themselves by showing compassion and love....

 

Just my thoughts after both of my son's deaths...

 

Sending HUGs your way....it is a hard journey...be gentle with yourself..

[tobyfreefoot]

debbie--thank you for sharing your letter.  i had that same thing...how could i have let my son die?

 even though it is not our fault and we couldn't have done anything, i think that because we are good moms we feel that our job is to protect our children. no matter how old (my son was 28) or how far away, forest was in another state.  i will always feel like i failed even though logically i know i didn't.  i loved all the things you said to sam.  so much we can bring up and so much we fear we have forgotten.

 

i am thinking after my daughter's baby is born and settled i may go see a councilor and see if they can take me off work or put me in the hospital.  i had to go back to my relatively new, dangerous job too soon.  i never have really had time or privacy to cry or anything much and i feel stuck and ripped off of my time to grieve. i just had an opportunity to cry once in a while because my kids, mom etc couldn't really tolerate it so i tried to keep it under raps. one of the early days when we were all still staying at my daughter's i went outside and lie down under a tree in the front yard and wailed while some man across the street at the homeless shelter watched. my job is pretty intense and i screwed up most parts i made for months, i have a 35 mile one way commute in the dark on two lane country roads filled with darting animals, it is a little like a live video game so feel like it is unsafe for me to get too overwrought. my friend lynn has been crying everyday since nov 9th.  that seems like a luxury to me and one i wish i could have just to somehow take the lid off this squelched sadness.

 

though i did work through lots of thoughts with the positive experience of working on my son's monument i just am pretty sure i have clinical depression

 this weekend we will be celebrating forest's birthday.  i try so hard to make it fun and upbeat for everyone but inside i feel so dull.