Loss of an Adult Child

[andy88]

Hello old friends! And welcome new friends. Well, it will be 3 years on Feb.11 since my Andy went to heaven. I am so much better now, thanks in very large part to all of you. I truly believe you saved my life. I am living again and I am happy. I hope this brings hope to those who are just starting off on this sad journey.  Just wanted to stop by and share some love! 

 

Pam

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, I loved the pictures that Trista had drawn of herself. I agree with Sherry, she does remind me of Tinkerbell too...

 

I remember trying to talk Jesse out of the wild outfit that day (I think he did this just to tease me more)... you mentioned Trista's style too, uniquely hers...

 

When I read the other day about Dee's Erica's complaint about dressing her in the 80's style, had to laugh...

 

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Sherry, saw your posting...hope things are not as cold by you...it is hard to get out and do anything with battling the icy roads...

 

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Kate, prayers of healing for you with the renewed asthma attack....would a air purifier help to reduce the irritation....

 

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Lora, good to see your post, does your brother have people that can help him at home, or maybe does he qualify for in home care?

 

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I keep hoping that Susan will send me some of that Texa's warm weather....

[Chris_P]

Hi

 

I lost my son Adam on 28 Dec 2013. He was 17. There was a huge media circus about him missing and then being found. The up side to that is we got thousands of messages of support and on new years eve, thousands of people around Manchester fell silent to remember him. I suppose this diverted our grief a little and then with the funeral/celebration of life to arrange, what we thought at the time was grief, was only a fraction of what we now feel. We kinda knew that it might get worse after the funeral when the cards and flowers stop, the food parcels and the daily visits from friends, police etc stop, but I could not imagine how bad it would get and I suspect many of you are thinking "you ain't seen nothing yet?"

 

I read through so many messages on here hoping to find that this feeling will pass and it will get easier, only to find that in fact it doesn't and I don't know how I can go on feeling like this and thinking that I will always do so.

 

I smiled though when I read messages about peoples shopping trips. I went to the supermarket for the first time today since Adam passed and it was a horrific experience. To start with it was always me and Adam who would do the shopping and I missed him putting his choices in the trolley, but then I found myself getting so worked up and angry with people that in the end it was all I could do not to abandon my shopping and run out screaming........I think I am going mad......they weren't doing anything wrong, just getting in my way, taking their time at the checkout, not realizing that I am going through the worst pain you can imagine and going on with their lives!!

 

I love him so much and don't know how I can move ahead without him.

 

This picture (if it loads up ok?) is something that his college friends put together. They all threw in words they thought best described Adam.

[Steve s mom]

Chris p,

Sorry for the loss of your son

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Chris, I am truly sorry for the loss of your dear son, Adam. This has been a healing place for me, one where we all get it...

 

I read the comment about the supermarket. It is still one place I get easily sabotaged by my emotions. Jesse and I shopped a lot together, he was a "foodie" kind of person and he often invented his own recipes...he was convinced that cactus was the next up and coming food (bet you didn't know about canned cactus)...he would sneak it into different things he would put together...so I still can not go past the Mexican section and will not eat tomatoes or Chinese...

 

Mary Ann, saw your posting...thinking of you and your sweet boy tonight...

 

Andy's Mom, thanks for checking on us here...

 

Debbie, how are things with you?

[wgreenlee]

Chris_P...

 

Again, I am so sorry about your loss... It breaks my heart to see someone else in this situation, but I am glad you are here...  I was so touched that you watched Brooks' video and responded to it, and now you are here.  When I saw that in my email I had to immediately go see your Adam, and tell you about this site.  This place has been a lifesaver for me and others.  There are some of us, like you, who are new to all of this, and the love shown here is really remarkable.  I have never met any of my new friends, but feel as if I know them better than my own family.  Brooks was my only son and so I really needed that connection.

 

Adam was a handsome young man and obviously very active.  Reminded me of Brooks with all of his activities and friends.  It was beautiful, and so many views...  Please know that we will not just pass by like ships in the night.  We will proclaim your precious son's name loudly and hope you share his life with us.  You are now part of this family and we will be there for you.  What you say here is safe with us.  No rules...just a lot of love because we all know... There are a few on this site who have been on this journey for a long time...and I won't speak for them, because they will let you know themselves, except to say that they have promised me it will get easier...memories will become happy again...  Even though Brooks passed four months ago, I sometimes feel like it was yesterday...as it has these past couple of weeks.  Not sure why...but I just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, and honor my son.  But when I come on here I am able to vent and cry and sometimes smile and laugh, because all is not sorrow here.  There are memories we all share of our precious children that are filled with love.  I also need to know that I can help others, so sometimes I am able to bring a smile to someone else on this site.  A pastor in our area calls that being a "wounded healer."  Like I have been told many times...please be good to yourself as best you can.

 

The picture of Adam is an awesome tribute.  You can tell Adam was special from the thoughts of his friends.

 

Praying for you and your family.  God, please be with Adam's father right now, and also the others who are mourning, and let them all know your grace and healing.  

[Jeff's Mom]

Chris, I am so sorry on the loss of your dear son. My sincere condolences. I am so glad that you have decided to join our site.  Wade is correct that we are a group that will offer whatever we can to help support you in your loss. I hope that when you are able you will share your son with us. Kate 

[ericasmom]

PAM!!! So good to see you here tonight and what a bright and lovely message you have given. It is a gift to those new here to know that someone not too far out is feeling happiness again, and it is a gift to those of us who know you, to know that your life has taken on sunlight and purpose. Be well and may this anniversary coming provide you with some quiet time in which Andy is felt deeply. I have missed you here.

 

Chris, I am so sad for your loss. Your Boy is so handsome, I love the photo enhanced with the words that his Buddies used to describe him. A wonderful young man to many it seems. I know that you miss your Adam, nothing hurts more than this Chris, so hang on, we are here understanding all of the ache, the shock, the abstraction of time...we do say the names of our Children here, they lived and will always live in our hearts and in our love. If friends or family become uncomfortable with your need to speak your Son's name, you come here and say his name in big letters, ADAM!

Please tell us more about Adam when you can. More about you too.

My Girl Erica died over 10 years ago,her name is spoken everyday, her spirit lives on in our daily lives because we bring her with us everywhere we go.

 

Laurie, yep, those '80's' clothes. So funny.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Chris,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Adam. I am glad that you found this place though. It is a good place full of compassion and understanding. This place and the people here have been a lifeline to me. Thank you for sharing that picture of Adam. You can see how he touched the lives of his friends by the ways the words they chose. Please share more with us as you feel ready.

Andy's Mom,

Thank you for stopping in and leaving us that bit hope. I will take all I can get. I'm glad you've found happiness and that there is hope that we all will.

Laurie,

Yes, Trista definitely had her very own sense of style. I smile at the memories of some the crazy outfits she put together.

Mary Ann,

Let us know how you are when you can post again.

Wade,

"wounded healer"... yes, and you do that for all of us here in so many ways. Thank you.

[Tbearw58]

Chris

 

I am very sorry for your loss I to lost my son Nick last November in a horrible auto accident. I feel the same way you do after reading the posts on this site. Will the pain ever go away I have come to think it wont it will just change into something you can live with. I cry every day some times more then once for my pain runs to deep. I also went to the sporting goods store the other day and had to leave because I was suppose to go there and by a new snow board for Nick the day he died we had planned to do that. It was to much for me at that time. I think i could do it now and its is only 2 months since we lost Nick. You will be in my prayers and I hope you remember to breath and take care of your self. We are here for each other. 

[wgreenlee]

Betsy...

 

I will certainly contact CBS about that.  I will tell them of the enormous support I have received through this site, and how I would be "wandering nomad" without it.  When you mentioned the rollercoaster I had to repost this photo.  I, personally, don't like them, but I have a few good pics of Brooks and I when they get your picture at the end.  Treasured memories...long forgotten, but now very much a part of who I am.  Memories that now play like an endless loop.  Sometimes with a laugh and sometimes with a cry, but important memories nonetheless.

 

 

Becky...

 

It almost looks like it was on purpose.  Hope not...but people can be pretty insensitive.  If people only knew... I hope it gets fixed right away.  Hoping that better days are coming your way this week.  Continual prayers for your health.

 

Shannon...

 

Love that picture.  I teach algebra and think I'll make a poster out of it and put in my room for the kids.  They would all agree.  How is "Grams"?  Please tell her I am thinking of her.  If Zak ever needs any help let me know.  I use an online site called Edmodo that allows my students to post questions and stuff and I upload videos that I've made to help them.  Do it every night.  It's an educational site that is safe and controlled by the teacher.  I can send him the code if he wants... I can even respond with my phone if I have the text message setting on.  Too many messages so I turned it off, but the kids thought it was cool that I would do that.

 

Dee...

 

I know that schools are crunched for money, but short-changing kids in need is just wrong.  Feel for you...  I don't have any IEP students as I have all the second language learners...mostly latino...and I speak Spanish.  Love those kids.  Some of them are the hardest workers, but it's so ridiculous that they have to take the math CRT in English.  I understand the language part being in English as that is what it is measuring, but math...  The people who make those decisions are just plain "stupid."  I'd like to see how well those "people" would do if I gave them even a basic test in Spanish.  Maybe they wouldn't feel so powerful then...  Little rant...done now.

 

Laurie...

 

That was a beautiful poem for Rich.  You are awesome!  I watch a Fox show called "The Five" and one of the commentators always wears suspenders, and I always think of Jesse.  Did Jesse normally wear suspenders?  He certainly didn't need them.

 

Sherry...

 

I still have the shirt and tie I wore that day, and there have been a few times when I wanted to wear them to school, but just couldn't.  I understand completely why your husband gave them away.  I think I will actually make the bird feeder too.  More special that way and gives me time with my friend, Rod, to just do stuff and get away from it all.  Finished Brooks' wind chimes today and hung them on his tree by his grave.  Nothing too complicated, but it is a new memory I needed.  Will have the faux headstone done tomorrow...waiting for coating to dry...and will place at his site and take a few pictures.

 

Pam...

 

I am happy for you.  I long for those days and knowing they will come eventually gives me immense hope even though my days have been very dark lately.  Hope to hear more from you, especially about Andy.

 

Ted...

 

Oh, how I know those tears.  Let them out, buddy.  I think I've cried more this week than any other...  Not sure why...  Keep sharing with us.

 

For you, Brooks...

 

Your ornament is still going...I think God is telling me something about you.  Visiting you tonight I looked up at the stars and they twinkled just like the ornament.  I searched for you so hard.  The bright stars looked like little white birds...doves...with wings spread out.  Maybe that's how God sees you...  I played the wind chimes for you.  They will whisper your name every day so that you are never forgotten.  I looked at your viewing pictures yesterday and thought about how I was so afraid to approach you.  It was just you and me, buddy, but I stood at the back of the funeral home and had to take one step at a time to get to you.  Had to take pictures with the iPad like it was a movie or something.  And then you were there and it seemed like you were telling me it was ok.  I kissed you and held your hand and it was just you and me...our love was so strong that even this was a bonding moment.  I was the first person to hold you and the last person to hold you.  Through thick and thin... A father for a son.  And tonight I wanted to dig the earth up and do it again.  I could see you there in your special place with your bat, ball, and glove beside you...and I miss you Brooks.  I know you're ok, but I am not.  I need you, Brooksy...more than ever before I need you.  Your memories overflow me like a flood...raging and trapping me.  Your friends are worried about me, but I don't know what to tell them.  You have such good friends.  They watch over me.  Your music is so alive for them.  Saw a clip on Youtube of the news alert from that night.  They didn't say your name...could see the police cars with lights on...like the pizza guy must have seen.  New things that are part of my life now.  It will be ok...I know that.  I feel like I'm at the end of a long climb up a hill, and you're there at the top urging me on...finish Dad...you can do it...but I'm struggling...it's been a long climb Brooksy.  I'm tired and worn out.  I want to reach the top so give me a hand, buddy.  Just like always...me and you...dad and son.  Please call me Dad in my dreams tonight and help me reach you.  Love you, son...Dad

 

PS...Dalyla's birthday party was changed to today.  Shauna missed you.  I couldn't go.  Just too hard, buddy.  She understood.  There were all sorts of people there.  They had a pinata and even a trampoline.  Dalyla looked so happy.  I'm glad.  I just kept thinking about last year's party and how you wanted it to be perfect.  It sure was and I was so proud of you for organizing it.  Here's a few pics for you.  I know how much it would mean to you.

 

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Wade, my sentiments exactly, the rant I mean, that those in the power of making these decisions for the Nation's best adn most precious resource; our Children, have let us all down. That highschool second language learners must take a math test in English???what is the point other than to mark these kids as deficient. TEST TEST AND TEST SOME MORE, what about teaching and learning? What about the richness of the process of learning?

I love the photos you posted. Thanks for sharing your family.

 

Lora, so glad that your Brother has done so well with his healing and I am happy that he is going home with the help from the Lion's Club and support of all of you.

I am excited for Emery to be at the Olympics but frightened too. The threats are increasing for acts of violence. I do have a hard time with the choice of location. Human rights have long been low on the importance list in Russia, why celebrate the diversity of the world there? Don't get it. And with so many countries in the area with hatred for America??? Not to mention the relationship between Russia and America for the long haul. Not that America is not part of these issues, we are, but a much more congenial place would be more to the safety of All.

 

Shannon, I agree with Lora, those angel drawings are wonderful, magical, just like the artist that made them. The Sprite.

[SamDsmom]

Just wanted to touch base. I have been trying to keep up. I'm so sorry to all the new people. This is such a horrible thing that unites us here.

I am going to keep reading and try to catch up. It's been a few weeks since I have posted. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for being here.

I MISS YOU SAM. I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH.

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Wade----The wind chimes hung by Brookes' grave will indeed give you  new memories, also the birdfeeder.

On this road we're on, we will find along the way that there are things we may discover that we did not

know previously......things that will warm our hearts because they bring memories of our dear children.

Thanks for posting the pics of the roller coaster ride, and those brave souls who are riding. I must admit,

too, that I do not like roller coasters.....won't go on them at all anymore.  Had enough of that when I was

younger & braver. My David liked them, and didn't seem to be afraid to try the newest.....highest ones.

Not for me.    

 

Dee----I agree with you about all the testing in schools, and what seems like 'teaching for the testing'.

My kids were out of school by that time, except for Becky, who was soon to graduate high school. My

co-worker, who had kids in elementary school complained about it all the time. She said many parents

were against the concept and had meetings etc. to protest, to no avail. Teaching & learning....that's

the best way.  About the Olympics......I seldom watch them, but read about them now & then.  I agree that

there could be a certain amount of dislike and danger for Americans by factions.  I pray that it all goes off ok.

In the winter Olympics, I've heard that some of the sports are getting more & more dangerous in the countries'

quests to be more challenging. They mentioned the luge, and how a 21 yr. old Russian guy was killed on the luge

when it was at speeds of 90 mph, and he had a spill and flew over a sidewall and hit a metal light pole.

It said that they should be re-thinking new limits/rules for some of the games.

 

Lora------Yes, my mom is still living on her own, in a small Sr. apt.  She's frail, but still gets around. Very

independent in nature, but wisely accepts our help anymore.  Good to hear your brother is improving.

Sending prayers.

 

Ted----I, so, understand your need to leave the sporting goods store because of the painful memories

that it caused you.......remembering your dear son and the board he was to buy.  I hope you will continue

to come here to BI because everyone knows, firsthand,

the pain and sorrow of losing a child, and the site is where you can always come and say how you are

feeling, and know that others truly understand.  While words, early on this road, may not help much...

you are still in the company of those who understand.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Chris-P------I am sorry for your loss of your dear 17 year old son.  Please consider coming back to this

site.  Wishing you peace.

 

Laurie-----Yes, the back roads in our area are pretty bad......snow covered & dangerous to drive on. So

the best thing to do is to avoid driving on them unless it is necessary.  We're just in a holding pattern.....

hoping for a break in the weather soon.  Still snowing off & on, and lots of wind to cause drifting. How

are the roads etc. in your area?

 

Pam---Good to see your post, and Andy's bright smile.

 

Shannon----thanks for the pics of sweet Trista's drawings, made when she was little.  She had it right....

 She's An  Angel.  Good to hear your husband is improving.  We are feeding the birds

twice a day, and they are eating all the feed......they seem so hungry.....because of the extreme cold.

I had been taking pics from the kitchen window, when I saw all the birds just fly off frantically in all

directions.  Then a hawk caught and carried away a lovely male cardinal.  Hate to see that, but I guess

that it's part of nature.  Now the bird feeder is mostly a lonely place.....birds too frightened to return for now.

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND   COMFORT    TO   ALL   IN   THE   INDIGO   FAMILY.

 

  Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Snow.....Snow.....Snow

[ericasmom]

Sherry, oh the poor cardinal, but yes, that cycle of life...Our feeder keeps emptying as the cold hits so hard, the morning birds hit it hard and gather in the autumn clematis to take their turns to the feeder. we are in a warm for a few hours pattern like yesterday, (23 degrees) then BOOM< it will drop to very dangerous lows and the high for tomorrow is to be -3. I don't know if school will be called off or not, will find out later when they decide. I hate to see it called off as Monday is the last day for the kids to paint for the beanbag games, and Tuesday the VERY last day, but I guess we will figure it out.

 

My Son is ice-fishing today with his dear friends, makes me nervous.

 

Husband and I babysat last night for Erica (Junior) as my students call her, makes me laugh. She was a ball of smiling energy. Love that Girl beyond any words of course.

 

Debbie, thanks for showing us that you are around, and MaryAnne, you too. We miss you but certainly get it, it becomes overwhelming to read and post at times, just knowing you are out there though, is good to know. Wanda, how are you? There were some folks that joined about the same time as Wanda and I think that that was when I could not get on much with the busy factor at school so I feel I am at a loss for some names and stories.

 

To All, remember that weeping is not a weakness but instead, a willingness to allow the force of so sad a time to come to the forefront, to not hide the hurt because it is better out than building inside.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

I have been thinking of my slip from my axis....

how unbalanced I became in losing my John David...in his physical persona...never his essence...his soul...his spirit...my boy...my SONshine son....

   I lost some key elements to my person hood..

I dropped some trivial things that needed to go...

When the blast of grief blows into your life...

The extra weight is on your human body...

Something and somethings have to move..

move out...to make space for that uninvited guest..

Now I am trying to re-trace some steps...

to pick up some life trinkets that are still valuable to me...being me.

[ericasmom]

Susan, I love what you wrote here, it is so, there will be trinkets, nuggets of gold to discover and rediscover and put to use. Space is filled anew.

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry...thank you for your photo. If you can get past the obvious the scene is quite lovely. We have all definitely had enough of this winter. Just 54 days left!!!

 

Susan...I too love what you wrote. Clearing things out is something I have definitely done.

 

Dee, how is your sister doing? Hope your son is dressed warm for his outing. I hate to break it to you but if you are getting any of our weather then brace yourself for another day off from school tomorrow. Direct northern wind at 80km an hour. It is supposedly going down to -37C by tomorrow night. Bitterly cold. But it is sunny. Big deal. 54 days and definitely counting.

 

Wade...hang in there. One day at a time. I know it is tough, but you are going to make it. Loved the pics of the birthday party. She looked so pleased with her cupcakes. What a little sweetheart.

 

Chris and Ted...also thinking of you today and hoping your day is a decent one.

 

Lora, your neighbor is going to miss you if you move. Have you broken the news to her yet? Or are you just tossing the idea around? At any rate I hope you enjoyed your day off and did not spend it entirely cleaning.

 

Laurie..good luck tomorrow. Will be sending you prayers and hope for a good outcome.

 

Debbie....I was just thinking of you earlier this morning and there you are. Hope you are doing ok.

 

Pam...so good to hear that things are improving. It helps to let others new to the journey take heart in the fact that it will slowly improve with time.

 

Thinking of everyone today. Ross is not feeling at all well this weekend and so he is down sleeping again. Not much of a day to do anything outside. Take care everyone. Kate 

[mikesmomrs]

Saw this from something a friend sent and wanted to share before i forget...i know thete are also dads here, so when reading it, you can just substitute "dad/father" for "mom/mother." Also, i realize this likely isn't how everyone feels, but i think that for many, especially in the early months/weeks after losing our child, some of these thoughts of our imagined "failure" can assail us. When you arrive at the page you will have to scroll down a bit to the article.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

You might have to copy and paste the URL.

[Steve s mom]

Hi all,

I haven't really been on here much lately I have been very depressed.has anyone heard the song say something I'm giving up on you

It reminds me so much of when Steve was in the hospital those 8 days while he was dying.how I wished so much at the end he would just let me know he was still there that I shouldn't give up on him,but he didn't.

I knew better I knew what was going on but you still hope for that miricle that never comes.toward the end I knew all the signs were saying he wasn't going to get better,I told him its ok if you want to go,do what's best for you ...I will be ok( of course I was lying) by that time he wasn't even moving a finger anymore but I knew he was in there ...his response a tear ran down his cheek.

Would I have wanted him to survive ,the best we could hope for if he did was 50 percent of his normal functioning if that ...he wouldn't have wanted to live that way ...but I'm sure I would have taken that...but the choice was never mine to make.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy, sending you a huge "HUG" today. Carol, thanks so much for posting this. It was beautiful and made my day!  Love to all for a peaceful evening. Kate

[ericasmom]

beautiful photo Sherry, wonderful.

 

Kate, our district called off school, while it is still quite nice out now, the wind is beginning to move things, the gray in the sky a bit more steel-like, it is coming for sure, and oh, how I want school to be on. Oh well, not a thing I can do about the weather. I will get some work done and maybe some good writing.

 

Is this an Angelversarry for Sandy's Girl today, for Sarah? I am asking because I simply don't keep the calendar of these handy.

 

Carol, I will read this, thanks.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

"No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. "

 

Thank you Carol for sharing this article...was having a "beat myself up" session earlier as I left the gravesite...if I wouldn't have chosen this or that he would still be here...if I would not have taken the new job, I would have been in that time and space he was, then it would have been me and it would have been right....I know that Susan has written about letting the "boogie men" out of the closet...she is right, but at times they sneak out...

 

Wade, I too still get this crazy notion of wanting to "dig up" my son, (know this is  not rational) but I so want to just see and hold him again...

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Rational has no place in the lives of parents who have lost a Child. Especially early on. We want to make sure of them, we want to go back to what we knew. It is all so confusing in those first two years.

Hang on Laurie, we know.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Dee for the words of comfort...

 

I been reading more of the site Carol sent. Again thanks for sharing...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

Yes... thank you so much for that article tonight. It definitely touched a place that needed touched in my heart.

Dee said,

Rational has no place in the lives of parents who have lost a Child. Especially early on. We want to make sure of them, we want to go back to what we knew. It is all so confusing in those first two years.

I needed to hear that too. I have some very irrational thoughts. Like Wade and Laurie, I've envisioned 'digging up' my Girl and lots of other things that make no sense in the rational world.

I'm tired today. The bronchitis I was battling and finally seemed to be getting over has returned with a vengeance so it's back to the doctor I go. I know I really need some rest and downtime and I'm going to do my best to do that.

My husband and I have started a planning a short weekend trip. There will be a well known medium doing a reading and workshop in Cleveland which is about 3 hours away. The reading will be on Friday evening. This is a mass reading with the entire audience so there is no guarantee that anything will come through for us but still will be very interesting, I think. On Saturday is an all day workshop on working with your Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides. I didn't go looking for this event. An announcement about it showed up in my e-mail as a forward from a friend and I realized how close it was. I decided maybe I'm supposed to go. No matter what it should be a really interesting thing for us to do together and a nice weekend away. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. I'm looking forward to it though.

I've been reading and thinking of everyone today.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Steve's mom, those are such hard memories to have...I am so sorry that it was like that for you and your son...sending hugs your way tonight....

[Jeff's Mom]

Jeepers, I have been guilty of saying some of those things at some time over the years. Never, not ever intending on hurting anyone. The truth is that nobody really knows how to relate to us. They don't. It scares them... and they say whatever they do out of an attempt to console us. I honestly believe they for the most part do not do so intentionally to offend us. We are not thinking clearly. Who could? Yesterday I suggested to a woman that she perhaps consider not driving as she had had three accidents already due to not being able to concentrate.. I deleted the sentences in my post as I did not want to offend her. On further reflection I felt badly that I may have hurt her. We are so sensitive at this point in our loss. We have to try to take a step back and think how we would respond had this not happened to us. Do we honestly know? No, we do not. Well, heck we do now ,but we sure as heck did not when our lives were going  along just fine. I am at a point I am afraid to say anything for fear of offending. We can only be "ourselves" which I stress... and gently remind others that we are FRAGILE right now. Yes, others let us down. We sometimes need to move past them. Others may come around with gentle prodding.  I know to say that time heals may sound flippant at this point...but Pam, Colleen, Sherry, Dee, Carol, and I  can honestly tell you that it will bring a more positive outlook to your life. There are no short cuts through this process. It hurts like hell. But it will start to get better down the road. We are all going through this together and somehow we are going to get through it!  As Dee said...we are in a different place those first two years. You need to allow yourself this time to grieve. It is only right. There are no short cuts.  Hang in there.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Maryann,

I'm sending you hugs too. Those memories are so hard. Thinking of you and of Steve tonight.

Kate,

We are so sensitive. I agree. I also post things at times and think how it might affect someone else and take it back down. We are very very raw but I think we all do well here at showing understanding and compassion for each other. We all know how painful this journey is. I always find the posts by others here longer very encouraging. I think, for me, I can hear certain things from people here in a different way than if the very same thing is said by someone who I feel has no idea what they're talking about. I don't know if that makes sense and is probably not fair to some well meaning people in my life but it's how it is for me. When I hear it here I feel like it's coming from a place of 'knowing'.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Everyone here...you have been more than wonderful...yes, at times we may stumble on words but even in our pain, we have tried our very best to reach others and lend a hand...

 

I guess being tomorrow the court date it is just irritating to have one more expectation from a stranger (to this pain)...

 

I agree with what you are saying Shannon...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I will be keeping you in my thoughts tonight and tomorrow. I'm still catching up on what I missed but just saw the post about the book given to you. I understand. I would have probably hit the person over the head with it. I guess that's what I mean. I know all about the importance of forgiveness. That is something I will deal with in my own time and my own way. To have someone who has no idea what it's like to lose a child try to tell me what I should be doing or working on or anything like that just is not okay with me. That's just where I'm at right now.

I'm sending you hugs and prayers tonight and I know we will all be with you in Spirit tomorrow.

[Sholl1955]

Kate,

Thank you so much for the Hug!  It means so much that you were thinking of me.  No Dee, Sarah's Angelversary is March 14th.   You do a great job of remembering everyone on here and are so supportive of us all.  I appreciate it so much.   I am thinking of everyone and you are all in my prayers. I am reading daily, but just am at a place where I seem to have no words.  It will get better again I know.

 

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

hey girl...this is me Susan...saying to you...laurie...go girl...

[Mermaid Tears]

darn it... I wish I  knew how to download a song to you,Laurie....it would be

True Love......for some reason from my son to you....

[Mermaid Tears]

I do not want anything to be thought of wrong...the song..'true love' is a song that keeps coming on when I wake up...and so Laurie...when you go to court....there will be 'true love' coming for you...at you...with you...I guess that is all I can offer for the song that keeps on in the background of my mind....no...it is not romantic....nor intimate....but for the ones on this site...maybe it does have that  ring of truth....in that it is

true love.....

[wgreenlee]

Susan...

 

Is it on your computer or online?  Is it the one by Pink?

[ericasmom]

 

Maryanne, is this the song you spoke of? I looked it up and found this, wondering about you, how you are feeling tonight. I hope that you dream of your sweet Son and that you wake up knowing his love is forever and that he is near. I know it will never be enough, but sometimes those dream visits are the way we can gather our strength and belief again. That tear that went down Steven's cheek sounds to me that he was letting you know he knew how hard this was for you, that he had to go. Sending some deep hope your way.

 

Laurie, you hang on and stand for what is in your heart tomorrow. Do you think that the deep cold will make a delay in your court date? Let us know how it goes.

 

Shannon, you take care of that cough. I think the idea of seeing the medium is a great thing to look forward to. I would like to do this some day. I know that I would want to be read but I think I would be amazed to just witness the energy that does get read.

 

Carol, a good article for sure. Thanks.

 

The wind is making a steady sound now, the trees out the window are swaying. I feel tired and yet antsy when the wind is so strong.

[lovU2themoon]

Dee, thanks for asking, i continue on one day at a time. I read the post and am glad i can come here as you all have been here since two weeks after Lane died. 

 

I dont think much past today, as i still cant think of not ever seeing Lane again.

 

Wade, you asked how Lindsay was doing,for her dealing with grief is busy, busy busy, 3 classes and now working, days nights, and on call on weekends. I completely understand that's how she needs to deal with all this, and yes we are at different places on our grief.

Unfortunately, she has now been thinking that i might be feeling abandoned. Which i don't, but the time has come that people have "dropped" off, even my mom and sisters don't call or text as much as they used to, from once a day to maybe once a week, as long as my fiance is staying with me or Lindsay is here, i don't hear anything from them,

They say "oh good, she's not alone." 

In my other life, Lane and i lived together and Lindsay lived in another town.  

My finance also lives in another small town, but has been staying with me on nights Lindsay works, so i have yet to be alone in the evening or at night yet. I find staying alone very stress full and i find the anxiety more then i can stand, as Lane was always with me

My sweet Lindsay is starting to feel the pressure of my sadness and grief and not being able to help.

I have tried to explain, somethings she cant help me with, and somethings i need to get sorted out myself, 

Lane was mine, my son, my boy, i knew when he died, I would spend more time alone then i ever did, and i knew that alot of this loss i would have to deal with on my own. 

Just as Lindsay has a different grief them me, losing a brother.

We do see a counselor together, and she helps us both try to understand each others grief.

But gawd, this is so messed up!! 

In my other life, I had it all together!! I worked, i went to the gym, i loved my alone time, now, I am so anxious being alone. Alone is full of sadness, and heart ache and only makes me realize my Lane is gone, I am even afraid of the dark now!! The outside dark, not even the dark with the lights out! I have atleast 4 lights on at all times in my little house, I dont think i walk into a room that does not have the lights on!! 

 

I feel as though i am rambling on.

 

I appreciate having this place to ramble.

 

I am wishing us all peace, and as always, I am grateful for the end of the day, for sleep, and a break from the pain.

 

Goodnight my online friends. 

[wgreenlee]

Wanda...

 

Let Lindsay know I am thinking of her.  Going to school and working...good for her.  I also need to stay busy and thus, the weekends and nights are not my friend usually.  Like I said on an earlier post, I sleep on the couch because I don't want to sleep upstairs where Brooks' room is and I just can't get past this new "normal."  I know I will and then my world will stop spinning so fast, but for now this is what I do.  Renea understands and sometimes sleeps on the couch with me...good thing it's a big couch.

 

I also had it "together" before all this...now I don't even know what "together" means anymore.

 

Not much more to say right now...pretty tired, but still won't be able to sleep.  One day...  Went golfing today with my friend, Rod... Not bragging about the weather or anything...  Thought I'd get Brooks' wooden headstone up today, but just went and visited him instead.  Taking the day off tomorrow with Rod and will get it up then.

 

Thinking of everyone...especially those of you who have joined us recently...have a wonderful week!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wishing all a peaceful evening...
 
....thinking of your sweet Lane, Wanda, its okay to ramble, we all get it...

 

and of Steve, Mary Ann's son....that is a beautiful song Dee found...

 

Susan, you are always so kind...so many of us on this site have found comfort in your words...
 
Wade, please share a picture of the memorial you are making for Brooks if you can...

 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iBCZQezA3E

[Guest]

 

.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have spent many days pondering on the different ways that people love ....I started opening little portals in the way John David loved his family..his friends...then it opened into how he operated on the life stage...how he could size up a person or situation so 'on the mark'...then I was remembering my Grama labeled certain persons as 'Sweet People'....she would say ..'he or she was a Sweet People'....(I know she should have said 'Sweet Person'...but this is Essie)....then I tried to recall them and what would be the attributes for them to be labeled 'Sweet People'.....two traits stand out...childlike and openness....

   I do believe she would call John David a 'Sweet People'...

Then I started thinking of how I love my children with the same love...but I have a unique way of loving each one...my relationship of Mom is the same...but I have a different relationship with each child....the common thread is unconditional love...

  Just like the morning I woke up and had that song..'A Simple Man'....I have woke up with the song 'True Love' playing in the background....coming from some deep recess...for it was popular in the 80's...by Glen Frey....this happened 4 mornings in a row....and I can truthfully say I have not heard it..hummed it...thought about it....

maybe...it is because when we had that child...we experienced 'True Love'....

And when our child passed...we experience True Grief....

but we cannot have true grief unless we had True Love...

     Now...I have a music spread that reaches from opera..Gershwin...Cole Porter...Big Band...Sinatra...Beach Boys..Jimmy Rogers....Willie and Waylon.....I would think I would have a more profound song to rise up ....but it is what it is....

Laurie...I don't know the weather conditions in your part of the country....our Weather news this morning doesn't look very good for the Northern sisters....but if you do go to court...many will be thinking of you and yours...this will be one of those 'hard rock' experiences...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I loved the "Beam me up" song, Lora, thanks for sharing.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora...loved that song...especially...'I am tired of being a fighter'....

so exhausting...

 

Laurie...beautiful music...

 

Dee...thanks for sharing...yes..'Say Something'...

 

these songs are a lot more profound than 'True Love'....

 

 

Carol....thanks for sharing that article...I think I would call it a 'Prayer for a Parent'....I bookmarked it so I could read it over and over....we all have those tiny breakdowns...where guilt and remorse and regret can hold us hostage...it is easy to slide down that path into deep depression....and our lucid minds can turn on us and we forget...we are simply human with a super human love for our child.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone for sharing the music! Now Wade...my man...golfing? Not fair. Oh brother, what I would give to be walking on green turf again. If you can please post a picture of your wooden headstone for Brooks I know we would all love to see it. Enjoy your time today with your friend.

 

Thinking of everyone today. Katee

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, I love your Grama Essie's saying...I do think of her up there with all our loved ones...she sounds like a sweet soul...

 

I feel what is important in music is the message that is said to a person...

 

And Jesse loved the simple things in life...on his picture on our wall in the dining room he placed a small plaque, it says "SIMPLICITY"

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Dee---This cold/snow/wind stuff is getting old !  Yes, I know what you mean about the birdfeeders

emptying out so quickly with so many birds coming to eat.  Yesterday, right before the hawk came and

killed one of the cardinals, the birds, sensing danger, flew wildly in every direction, ....one of them hit the kitchen window.

Later, we discovered that the bluejay that was sitting down in the snow near the feeder area was injured.

My husband said that it had a hurt wing, but managed to fly up into the tree, where ,soon, a crow started

flying at it and pecking at it, so it flew and landed on the ground.   It again tried to fly off, and fell to the

ground near the cornfield. I imagine that it, too, was a casualty of a predator or the cold.   The confusion

that we all feel after losing a beloved child can sometimes overcome us.  I remember, in those early

days/months after David's death that I just 'devised' a way to make the unthinkable loss go away, by

actually pretending that it didn't happen. I told myself...."I'll just keep on as usual, and Davey is still here".

Later on this road, I thought that I must have been crazy to think like that, but I did.  The early days are

so raw and painful.  Such fun you had babysitting little Erica.  Hope your son enjoyed his ice fishing.

 

Susan-----Good words from the poem.   Thanks for posting.

 

Kate-----I agree........Enough winter already. !!   Can't wait til it's over.

 

Carol-----Thanks for the article.....we didn't choose this road.

 

Stevesmom-----I can hear the pain and sorrow in your words about Steve's  last days.  I'm so sorry.

Sending thoughts & prayers.

 

 

Shannon-----

You are right.....it can be annoying and painful when some people offer advice from

a point of "knowing"......when they do not, in fact, know......(and cannot possibly know, unless they

have been  there). I hope you enjoy your weekend away with your husband, and find some comfort

at the reading.

 

Laurie----Thanks for the song.   Thinking of you.

 

Becky----Lovely Valentine you posted for JD.  Heartfelt and beautiful.

 

Sandy-----I so, understand that sometimes you have no words to post here.  I believe that almost

everyone here has had that same feeling from time to time, and we just need to step back for awhile.

Sending prayers, friend.

 

 

Wanda-----

I guess that 'aloneness'  is one part of this journey that we all feel.......especially in the

early times when the pain and regret is so raw and powerful.  I'm sorry.   Hoping that your memories

of your dear son, Lane, can warm your heart.  Peace to you.

 

 

                 PEACE   AND   STRENGTH  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

 

 

   

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

Thinking of you today.

Becky,

The valentine is beautiful. Such a handsome young man.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone today.

Debbie