Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Sandy, stay where you are! That is why we are here. Don't feel uncomfortable about letting your feelings out. Don't be too surprised if others have walked in your shoes. It really helps to vent and reach out at times like this. Please keep posting when you feel comfortable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Dee, it was a crazy day here as far as the weather too. A nasty wind coming directly from the north. I did not realize that tomorrow was Martin Luther King Day...and a holiday. Hope that clipper fizzles out. The orbs surrounding Eri were amazing. Were you in the picture holding the other child? Walkwithme...thanks for your post. Please jump in anytime...as you are always welcome. Sherry...it was not about the doc recognizing the actions I took, but about the severity of the situation. It was apparent... but it helped to have it recognized by somebody rather than brushed aside. That he would have died most certainly... which hugely explains why my nerves are so bad right now. I needed to hear that. They treated it as if it was just a mere mishap. All righted in the end and so we move forward. Yes we do...BUT...every mishap takes its toll. On us! I watched in fear while they tried to "undo" the problem. And so I am a wreck. One in a million has a reaction to chemo like this. It is very rare. I mean...what are the odds? Why him? Poor guy. Well he is still here and we are plugging along. We were very lucky and we need to focus on that. Hoping everyone has a decent day tomorrow. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 It has been a difficult week. I have not shared this but Christina, my daughter has been having some major anxiety issues, which resulted in a full day at our local health clinic with tests. They turned out all clear but she still says there is pain in her heart area...has anyone experienced this? My feeling it is most likely grief related as the tests are clear... And now for our week's ending...last night my youngest "adopted son" (or nephew legally) left to go to a friend's house to drop off some car oil last night and calls us this morning saying he is in jail on a THC charge. This is his second since Jesse's death and he can be charged with a felony / and or 10,000 fine possible 3.5 prison sentence. The THC was a small amount. I am not sure if he was self-medicating or what... Do you know, not saying what he did is right (I am not advocating drug use here), but with the girl who ran over my son, hers is a felony with a 10,000 fine and up to 10 years in prison. I am sure the girl will only get some stupid sentence while Thomas gets the book thrown at him, after all having a miniscule amount of pot is so much more than running over someone and killing them... I also have Thomas infant son staying with us because his crappy girlfriend abandoned him and since Thomas legally is my nephew from my deceased sister, I do not know what will happen for the child if Thomas gets time. Thanks for listening to me wildly ramble on...this week just slid downhill in a hurry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Oh Laurie, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Christina is going to need time and help to deal with her loss. We all deal with our loss in our own personal way. Try to hang on. Hold on with both hands and keep posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Laurie, Sending you hugs and prayers. I agree with what you said about the court system. Just another way things are so very lopsided. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I wanted to respond to you about Christina's symptoms because I know that has to be such a worry. With my anxiety and panic disorder, I do get chest pain and even palpitations. It can be very scary. Before I knew what the problem was even more so. I had even gone to the emergency room with it a couple of times and my doctor of course ran lots of test to make sure. So, yes. Those things can be caused by anxiety and panic brought on by trauma and grief. Sending you and your family prayers for peace and comfort tonight. Please let us know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 It must be January.....it has always been my hardest month....and now....it seems it is the same for many....overwhelming....it seems....Lora....do you remember the story I posted of my Daniel....?? His 'heart problems'.....will post later....but....the positive side is that they found the heart defect...and now....that can be a part of the corrections going forward.....I never said easy....but....it is known....and can be a part of his recovery....your brother and his...and you....will be a part of my thoughts each day....so keep me posted.... Kate...how admiral of that Dr. to tell you the naked truth....that there was a huge mistake...and that it could have been fatal....that he is aware of it.....and he let you know.....we were all there with you...holding you through this screen....and now...you know that your instincts were true....for your loved one...your Ross....you have a keen mind...and now we know how important those instincts we have are for good...and they are real.... Dee...I see the orbs...and I can only wonder how your reaction was when you saw this photo...that you and she were always on this path...she was 'here'....she was 'there'....she is 'everywhere'.....holding you...holding me....holding all of us....hoping you have a good Monday off...and be ready for your marathon week ahead....thank you for posting the 'shaft of light' photo....I do so want the new ones to see it.....for you posted it when I was first on here...and it gave me something to hold on to...for I embraced it in my persona....I don't know the why of it all...but it gave me something that I could remember and hold on to....and I needed it....and will always be a special for me to have....when I don't have a light on my path... Laurie....oh Laurie....when I read your post....I simply had to walk away for awhile...and say a prayer for you over the miles...not knowing your last name...or a face...but the prayer said...for you.....we all have enough heartbreak to share...enough to cover....and then...we find....we will have more heartbreak to shoulder....as I have said....many on this site not only have the grief and mourning....but....so many issues that have to be loaded on our breaking hearts and backs... I forgot to mention Dee...your sister...I do hope the medical people can find out her hurt...a cyst can cause a lot of damage and pain.... I can only say this from my heart...maybe that we have come together in our grief...to this site...but that there is a lot of caring and consideration and empathy that comes through....for all issues that we encounter..together....I am not going to tell what all I have on my plate....compared to what all I have read today....but it seems as if we all have a 'waterloo'....and that is ok....I want to hear from everyone...and be here for each of you.... it is a January kind of thing....isn't it ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Laurie....when Daniel had those chest pains...and our Dr. son was 'there' for every test..and none of the tests showed anything...then..he ordered a another test of the same tests....all he could say to me was..Mom....tests can't show a broken heart.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Susan, show your plate please, as you said, we all have a full one, yours too. No comparing whose is more full, it is all relative. I am touched beyond my words that the shaft of light photo has stayed with you, thanks for letting me know.The orbs, oh yes, seeing them on that night at my sister Mare's house for our family Christmas, I began to cry. My niece had it and said, ' oh I think the photo is destroyed by light or something, and upon a closer look, I cried out, " those are orbs surround Eri, oh my goodness, even then she was surrounded by spirits. Her cousin Michael, whom she loves, has some on his chin. We are very close to Mike. He lives near us and we see them often. Sherry, good to see you tonight. How is kitty? Laurie, in regards to the photo, no it is not me in the photo but my niece who does resemble me...sitting down anyhow, as she is about 5'1" and I am 5'8". Laurie, goodness knows as do our Angels, that your plate is spilling out, it is too full. I am so sorry for all that has transpired in the last few days. I sure hope that the police will go gentle on your Son. And now you are worrying again over new things, like your little grandy. Tell your Daughter that one of Eri's friends went to the ER twice before a wonderful ER doc asked her some really pointed and great questions. She answered the doc and the doc put her arms around her and said, Honey, this is not a heart problem, it is a broken heart problem, and you have been experiencing panic attacks. So from then on, this marvelous young lady has been so much better, takes some anti-anxiety meds and goes to therapy and is functioning as she always had only better. She had lost her Mom when the girls were in 5th grade, and her aunty raised her very well, love her aunty, but when Eri died, and then someone else she knew died, her body and mind interpreted these losses as one gigantic scary loss.crazy title I know, but a good good book: Don't let death ruin your life. It shares different stories from many perspectives of loss. Walkwithme, glad that your heart is being pieced back together in tiny increments. We are here, please keep reading and know that anytime you want to share, we are certainly here for you in that way too. It is nice to know that we can help others here in the way you are feeling from reading. I have been here for 10 years now, Sherry and I lost our Children within a month of one another. WE met here that long ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 I do so hope this is not going to be one of those..'long nights that go into another long night'...but that photo of the 'shaft of light' that you posted, Dee....came when I so needed to see and hear from someone that was not connected to a 'book or movie' kind of experience...but a common...everyday Mom....like me....that had that 'uncommon' kind of message....that she knew...she knew from the bottom and top....that her child spoke to her....that was 'her child'...that was 'her experience' ...that was 'her message' ...that was simply 'her's'....you knew it....you claimed it...it was yours....that is what I needed....and I carry it with me...even though I know it is yours....I can and do embrace it...fully...thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Written quite a while ago, but thought newer ones might relate. Still struggling to type. and this next photo was taken in April 2013, a beam of light that was in front of me as I drove the backroad into town, where Jared often rode his bike. Orbs in this photo too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Just to let everyone know I have been reading the posts too and cover those here with prayer...I have asked the Holy Spirit to intercede/pray (got this idea from book of Romans) as so many have wounds that are run to the core or of need of healings... Walkwithme, so touched by your note as many on this site probably are....that perhaps someone may be helped along by what is shared...I am sure many of us feel that way.... Susan, don't worry about sharing...I believe many of us would come and sit with you on your front porch to visit if we could (I always "see" you that way, a large welcoming front porch)...you are always gracious in your responses and full of Grama Essie's hospitality that shines through... Becky, I have always loved your poetry...and thanks for sharing your photo tonight with note that this is one of Jared's special places... Dee, such a precious picture of Erica with the Orbs, and the note about panic disorder...thank you for your sweet concern... Kate, glad that Ross seems to be holding his own, no problem with posting the videos... Lori, prayers said for the family of the lost boy...continue to think of your precious brother, Todd, and for healing mercies... Sherry, it just gives me some sense of calmness when you post...it just does... Sarah, it is okay by me to share those low moments... Shannon, think Christina got overloaded...she has started to drink more water...said she read it is supposed to reduce anxiety attacks by balancing out hormones...thinks it may be helping a bit.... Hope everyone does not mind me posting this picture again...it came from my grandmother's bible...feel like I fell off the cliff today... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 walkwithme--so nice of you to let everyone hear that this forum has been of some help. we more than welcome you to join us when you feel like it. one of my favorite things is seeing my son's name written out by others and knowing i can talk about him all i want. in the usa seems that we use the term passed away like our kids have literally passed away--out of mind, out of our lives. everyone here knows it isn't so. establishing some kind of continuing bond has been an important thing to keep me from losing my mind. speaking of that continuing bond- my other children's grandmother died on friday and the funeral is scheduled at the same time as our birthday event for forest so we will have to post a last minute change of weekends. i hope no one shows on the wrong day.2nd annual laser tag to celebrate the life and times of forest sharp. such a small concern compared to all the troubles everyone seems to be going through right now. my heart goes out to all of you struggling with so many issues in the midst of your grief dee the picture of eri with the orbs seems like a sign to you of how special and wonderful your girl is now, then and forever. ok here is my first lame attempt at painting.my friend sandie said what stood out most to her at the funeral (she was sitting on the ground) was all those dress pants and bright colored tennis shoes. forest's best male friend and his girlfriend had a baby friday. i made them some baby blocks from recycled materials. everyone take care and i hope you all get some relief soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Thanks for the comments on the ORB photo with my sweet Eri and her beloved cousins and brother. Jon, my son, is the one on the floor with the shiny brown hair and glasses. He is always mortified by the glasses he and his cousin Kate wore, but that was in style in the '80's'. And of course Erica used to complain when looking at photos, "mom, why did you dress me in such '80's clothes..." After I got my breath from laughing, I said, " because it was the '80's." That girl, so so funny. Gretchen, I love the work you did, such a lovely artistic spirit in you. The shoe painting is especially touching and so well done. Reminds me of a water color artist that does work for THE NEW YORKER, Greg Christie. He also won the Coretta Scott King award for illustrating a beautiful book of Kid written poetry about being Black. Becky, never tire of your poetry, so thanks for posting again for all of us and doubly important for the NEWBIES here. I love the light beam shining your way home photo. Becky, are you going to the doctor today for your exam? Shannon, good luck with Husband's hospital visit and tests today. Keeping you in our thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Becky....you remind us that our 'new ones' need to read what has been posted...thank you for sharing your words and heart....and gee....that 'shaft' of light touches my heart...it is as if...a message of healing light....just as Dee's photo... Gretchen....wow....that is a very, very good painting....love the shoes...the color and texture....and you sew, too....what a soft 'one of a kind' gift....you can't buy that at a store.... Laurie....just a thought....but.....with the changing 'view' now....that instead of sending young adults to jail....maybe they need rehab.....it is worth it to seek out a counselor...therapist...that can give you some guidance on addressing the court/ law enforcement for your son....you are probably ahead of me on this....for you are a very savvy gal....the most important fact is that 'that little boy'...he is safe in your home and arms.... All of us have those large and small waterloo moments...for me it is layers of... Longing and yearning... Wishing and hoping...I pray for my healing....for me to come together again...for it is as if I am Humpty Dumpty...that can't be put back together again....Instead of having a breakdown....have a breakthrough...I do believe in healing and grace...it is there for each of us. Many on this site has had that breakthrough....each says they are not the same..or ever will be after losing that child...but...they emerge and carry on. I think it will be like the grief will be there...but it will fit better and be a different color. I will wear my grief very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Dee, they changed my appt. once again, now it's tomorrow at 1pm. Still vedry unsteady on my feet and this typing handicap is threatening my sanity. Shannon, I related completeley to your post about yout trip to the hospital. I took my dad to the er JUST a little over a MONTH after Jared was pronounced there, and was in a room right across the hallway from where we saw and ID'd him. It was awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngeoffdoug Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 I am fairly new to this site, (wish none of us had a reason to be here). I am not sure how to start. It seems like most posts here have a fairly decent following, and that you all have come to know each other quite well. Trying to cope with the loss of my son is something I struggle with every day. Today is day 164, and I keep asking myself, why, why Geoffrey?!?! His birthday is Feb 1st, and this will be the first birthday without him. Not sure how we are going to make it through that day. My husband mentioned that he wanted to gather our close friends and family and light off some fireworks that night. Celebrating seems a bit strong of a word ... I can't celebrate anything any more with any enthusiam, I just go through the motions. I feel like know one (nor do I want them to) understands my pain. Not that I want them to walk in my shoes, I just want them to know that yes, I am still hurting very deeply. Losing a child has to be the worst pain that anyone can endure .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Geoffrey's mom, I am sorry for the loss of your precious son. It is a hard journey filled with many twists and turns. I do not know what I would have done without this group. It is a soft place to land. ************************************************************ All, I am a bit calmer today. Tomorrow is Thomas' court date. It seems like in practice they usually fine the person and give the probation and drug counseling. I hope so as I can't stand one more thing on my plate... ************************************************************Becky, you are in my thoughts for the testing....hopefully they can find out something. if it is Lyme's, my husband had it and the best antibiotic for it is doxycycline. It is hard on the stomach though... ************************************************************ Here is a poem that I believe Shannon posted at one time. It really spoke to my heart and I thought it would be good for those who are new here: An Ugly Pair of ShoesAuthor Unknown I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable Shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in the world.Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Geoffery's Mom..I wrote this a few days ago for some 'new' parents on this site...I want to share it with you...Bevlove...Melody....on this site....it doesn't make any difference if your child was '2 or 50'....they are still our 'child'....your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....the common ground here is the grief and mourning...the path we walk has a beginning....but no finish line...and it is a hard dark walk at times....I lost my John David...and I am here for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child....and I need people who understand this foreign language I speak now....my human boat was going down...down...down....and the ones on this site threw me a life line....I call it coming up for air. That is what we do here.....we listen ...we put our hand out...we care....and....we understand. Many on this site not only have to deal with their grief....but many layers of issues...and they are all connected...and we will listen to whatever problems or people you are dealing with. Many do not have a strong circle of family or friends to support them...some do....some have been on this site for years...even 10 years.....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'...they are the ones on the grief path that are farther up and they wave to us....showing the way....for this path has no compass or map.....we have to take baby steps...or we can take 2 steps up and 3 back...this is simply a journey... I hope each of you will re-read past postings....you may find a word or words that will help you...let us hear from you....tell us what you have been going through...tell us about your child...and we always say....to be very kind and gentle with yourself...we call it 'self-care'...for grief is very dark and heavy..and there is simply no way to side step it...or jump over it...one must go through it....Peace to both of you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Geoffery's Mom....we do understand the agony of facing that 1st Birthday...Christmas..family get together.....without your child....and I always come from what I understand...which is...do whatever you want...whatever you can...don't let anyone pressure you doing something that you feel uncomfortable with....this is a time to be 'selfish'...not in the ugly sense...but more in a survival sense. You will have family and friends that are in the same 'What Will We Do' situation....for me...the first year....I was still in my 'shock suit'....so all I could do was be still and hold on with both hands. We are facing John David's 2nd Birthday without him in March....and although the first layer of shock is off....I still have a thin layer around me....please tell us about your boy...let us hear how you are doing....how the family is coping....we do not have any answers on this site...but we are here to hear you. Some of us have been on this site for a long time...and after lots of time...we have got to 'know' each other.....it is a blessing to me....there are many new ones...but here...I do not have to explain any feeling I have...or emotion...or my 'bad' days...everyone here 'gets it'.....Peace to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Laurie...that is good news for Thomas....and the family...and I am glad to hear that you are having a 'better day'....thanks for posting that poem....I missed it.....so true....that no one wants to walk in our shoes. My Grampa use to have a saying something like this...'Never put a person down til you have walked in their shoes'..... many on this site have some medical tests and results in a few days or family members.....let us hear how you are doing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 johngeoffdoug--coming up on my child's 3rd birthday without him. we now have an annual event where we play lazer tag in the park and eat cheesecake--both things he loved then go to the cemetery and decorate massively, send up sky lanterns and toast him with birthday cake vodka. we do this with his friends. i put the event on facebook. the first year was just 6 months after his death so we just had a party with his friends and siblings at his sister's house. it was nice because everyone was able to get together and reminisce without as much crying as when everyone was at her house sobbing, stunned and in shock. just do what you think you can. it is so soon to think too hard. i can't celebrate anything with much enthusiasm anymore either but i really try to make this a celebration of his life and remembrance for his friends, i can't bear the thought of him being forgotten. he was all about having fun so i work hard at making these events positive. we also have events around his angel date/ 4th of july and halloween. two of my kids go out day of the dead and leave milk, chocolate and mountain dew. i try to make it upbeat and remember how much fun he was. i do all my sadness and sorrow away from everyone usually. a lot of us have found the lead up to these days to be hardest. no one gets the pain you are in unless they have been there. that is why so many of us keep coming back here at different stages of this journey, just to have someone listen that understands and often someone is in or has been in the same spot and can help us through some of the darkest hours. we are here for you. my heart goes out to you. i am not far removed from where you are now. i still go through the motions a lot but i think it is getting a little better. i am starting to feel something other than the horrible weight of sadness i carry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted January 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 johngeoffdoug-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. As you said......it is agonizing toface up to those 'firsts', such as your dear son's birthday coming up soon. We welcome each and every parent who comes here to BI (Beyond Indigo), and wish so, that they would nothave the sorrowful reason for searching out a site such as this. Everyone here understands aboutall the pain that one endures after the loss of a beloved child. Please come back when youfeel you can. Peace be with you. Laurie----Thanks for posting the pics. Beautiful and inspiring. Dee-----Cold wave again!.... My kitty is doing well. Sometimes she's good...sometimes she's very rowdy like a kitten, although she will be 3 yrs. old soon. Kate----I do understand what you mean. It was good that the Dr. verbalized the severity of thesituation that was suffered by your dear husband, Ross. PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Sherry hang on to your hat, literally. as the wind is supposed to be brutal. Right now however it is still 24 degrees, quite nice, I went for along walk today while the walking was good, for the next several, it will be below zero windchills, drastically below. We may get a big snow tonight, the lake effect... Mom of Geoff, I sure am glad that you found us but sad that you had to. We are a welcoming group, we have many new folks that have just arrived, so we are never full up, we are always open. We used to be called a better( in my opinion )name; Beyond Indigo. So when we say welcome to BI that is why. Sherry and I have been here a long long time, here to outstretch our hearts and hands to all those who also find themselves here, others for a bit less than us, while stillothers have found their way here over the last 2 years, which Sherry and I consider new to this. You are very new to this, the anxiety dancing around those dates is what we so understand. You may need to let your husband blow off the fireworks but you may need to just sit in some quiet place and write, or weep or stare...who knows, but you will figure out what you need for that day, what way to honor your Sweet Son Geoff. We would love to learn about his life, your lives as a family and how everyone is dealing. We are here, and you don't ever have to worry about answering each post, eventually, after several months, you will learn our names and our Kids names. It happens slowly for most of us. Remember, you have been through a huge shock, and as those layers fall away you will find new raw pain. Treat yourself the way that Geoff would insist upon, he loves his Momma. Drink a lot of water and eat a bit several times a day if you can. Try to get some sunlight on you each day, and know that we are here and we don't frighten off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Exxpecting 6-8" snow tomorrow. That just figures, when I have a doctor appt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Becky...we hope you get to have your appt....Kate...how are you and Ross....are road conditions still 'bad'....if so....hope you can just 'hunker down'.....that is the term we use in Texas when a hurricane is coming inland... Shannon...any word of your husband.... Dee....you will be proud of me....I went for a 'walk'....I do need that....and have finally got to the place 'where I can'.....2 1/2 miles....felt good...or should I say...I could put myself out there again...all in the journey.....anyway.....we had temps today of 78......very balmy soft wind...lots of sunshine...I know I need to do that for 'my self care'....my healing....I walked in the park where John David played...and then played his first soccer games....memories all around me...but I could do it..... Wade and TBear....thinking of both of you....did lots of thinking on my walk about the 'Dad-Son' relationship.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Susan, I am always proud of you, and your walk made you feel good so I am happy for you, for what you found along the walk. I hope that it is the start of a hobby that makes you feel better, feels more in charge of those moments in your day while you are walking. Hooray! The snow is falling rather fast now, lake effect snow band over us. I love the snow, just the sub-zero I could do without.Night All Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted January 21, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Hi All. I had a nice post written earlier but lost it. I hate when that happens. I should learn my lesson and make sure to copy it. Susan, Thanks for asking about my husband. He's still in a lot of pain and still no answers. He sees another specialist tomorrow. I'm so glad you had such a nice walk today. It does help. I find some days I really have to force myself to just step out the door but once I get started it's like I could just keep going forever and am always so glad I did it. It's such a quiet, reflective, meditative time for me. Dee, I absolutely loved Eri's picture with the orbs. Thank you for sharing it. What a beautiful Christmas gift for you. Gretchen, Your painting is really good. I used to paint and lately have been thinking of picking it up. I was never good but really enjoyed it. I actually bought myself some new paints. Mine have been stored in the closet for going on six years so I'm sure they aren't in good shape. While I was waiting in the hospital with my husband for some reason I just decided I needed to paint again and I ordered them right then from amazon on my phone. The next day I received a picture message from my niece of a picture she had done of Tris and it was very much like one of my first paintings I ever did. I didn't think it turned out well but Tris loved it and talked me into keeping it in the kitchen. It's been there ever since. I hope everything goes well for Forest's Birthday event. We did sky lanterns for Trista on New Years Eve. They were beautiful. I'll try to post pictures when I can. The blocks are such a neat idea... a one of kind gift that I'm sure they loved. Geoffrey's Mom, I'll just echo what everyone else said. You have found a good place. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Geoff. I'm so sad that any parent ever needs to be here but here you will find compassion, understanding, and people willing to share their journey and reach out a hand. I'm 'new' here. I lost my daughter, Trista, in June. I found this place shortly after and as many here will say, this place is a lifeline. Please, keep coming, reading, and sharing as you feel able. Please tell us more about Geoff as your ready. All these firsts are so hard. I'm going through them all too. Trista's 18th Birthday was just 20 days after the accident. I was still in such deep shock that even though we did have her friends and family here and did things to honor her and celebrate her life, I don't remember a lot, just the pain. Please hold on tight and as Dee said, take care of you. Self Care is so important even though it's very hard some days. Becky, I hope you get some answers soon and the weather doesn't keep you from your appointment tomorrow. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Kate, I loved the pictures Jeff took and the U2 songs. Music was such a big part of our Kids lives and now for me it's such a way to feel that connection. Thank you for sharing those. Laurie, I'm so glad that Christina is feeling better. I hope things go as well as they can for Thomas. Thinking of you as your dealing with all these things. I did post that poem a while back but had forgotten about it. Thanks for posting it. Sherry, Thank you for your prayers for my husband. We still don't know what's causing all this pain. Your kitty sounds a lot like our Wendy. Our office manager at our shop found this litter of kittens in the dumpster. There is a motel just down the road that is a place where a lot of people live. It's not a good place. We think maybe someone from there may have put them there. She took them in and they now live at our shop. There were four. There males, all a soft grey color and one female with pretty calico markings. Whenever we would go there she would just about jump into Zak's arms. Tammy, our office manager kept saying that she usually shied away from everyone. Zak decided she was choosing us and so we got Wendy. She's just a few months old and such a little fireball. She's adorable and cuddly when she's sleepy. Otherwise she's causing chaos all over the house. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today Trista's cousin Jessi came to visit. She brought her baby boy, Xander. She was Trista's first and best friend. She's the daughter of my second cousin and they grew up just a few houses down from each other. They were born just three months apart, Trista being the oldest so obviously the "boss". Her mother would actually blame Tris, in a teasing way, for all the odd things Jessi would do because Tris marched to her own beat from an early age. If Jessi would do something odd like wearing unmatching socks or wanting to dye her hair it had to be Trista's influence. She joked about that being her catch phrase, "Trista made me do it!" When Jessie got pregnant at 16, Trista was there for her and supported her through it. Trista was to be Xander's God Mother. She was so excited for that little man. She just loved him so much. I held him tight for her today and kissed his head. He will never know how she looked forward to him and loved him. This is all so hard. So much is lost and I miss my Girl terribly. Trista and Xander The picture my niece sent me yesterday My painting that Trista made me keep in the kitchen. Yes, I love my coffee so much I painted a picture of it. Tris and Jessi at Halloween a few years ago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngeoffdoug Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Thanks to all for the kind words. Sometimes, I am just at a loss for words ..for there are no words that can express the emotional roller coaster ride that we are on every day ... funny thing is, Geoffrey hated roller coasters (as do I). My first thought each and every day is of Geoff, and how much I miss his genuine smile and his little chuckle. Geoffrey was always the one that would just blend in with the crowd, the one to sit back and take it all in. When he was in high school he was pretty quiet and shy. In his senior year, he told me he was going to the prom ... I was so excited for him (he never wanted to go to any school functions). He asked a cute little girl to go with him, and later in the week, her Mom called me and said that she was so happy that Ge Off (his nickname since he was very young). From the time of the prom up until October of 2012 the were together. When they broke up, he said he was fine, but he told my husband that he really did still love and miss her. My heart was just full of sadness for him ... I hated seeing him in pain. But then a few months later, he met another girl (her Mom worked at the same place as Geoff) .... when they started dating, the sparkle in his eyes returned, and he laughed more than I had seen him laugh in such a long time. He even flew down to FL in July (of all months) with her and her 4 sisters!!! He had a great time .. so glad he go to have that time. It was just over a month later that we lost him on that damn motorcycle. You see, the strange twist in this entire nightmare is that Geoff did want to get a motorcycle, (a Harley) like his dad. He had a couple friends that had them, and they offered several times for Geoff to try it, but he wouldn't, because he said ..I dont' own it, I'm not getting on it. This is what boggles everyones mind about the accident ... the bike he was on, he didn't even know the person that owned it. I am not sure what happened that night .. when he left he was laughing and said he was going to his friends to play horse shoes ... which he often did. Well, I guess they ended up going out that night ... and ended up at a friend of the person he was with ... mind you, it was a Thursday night, and Geoffrey was not a late night person. At about 3:45 in the morning my youngest sons phone kept buzzing from text messages ..finally, he answered it because he knew something wasn't right ... it was Geoffs friend on the other end of the line ... saying that Geoff had gone out on a motorcycle about an hour ago and hadn't come back, and that the fire, ambulance and police had gone by the house they were at. We immediately go dressed, and the first stop we made was the hospital to see if he was there ..but they didn't have him ... but they gave us the number to the police dept to call for info. When we called the number, we asked him they were at a motorcycle accident and they confirmed that they were, and we said that we thought it was our son. He told us there was no need to go down, and I knew right then it was not good. We continued to the scene and when we arrived, the police officer confirmed that Geoff was gone ..they said that he died instantly. i remember just laying on the ground and screaming and crying .. this couldn't be, not our Geoffrey. Our youngest son was also with us ... none of us knew what to do. My husband asked to see him, they told us it wasn't good, but my husband did it anyway. That is something that he will live with the rest of his life .. instead of remembering Geoffrey's handsome face, he will forever see what he looked like after the accident .... for he had hit a clump of trees and then the bike exploded. The medical examiner said he died instantly (for which i pray every day that is how it happened). I can't bear the thought of Geoffrey suffering in any way. It didn't take long for the word to spread .. and I told my husband that we needed to call our son that was in the Army in Ft Bragg .... before he saw it posted on FB. When we called him (his fiancee had flown down the night before, they were going to a Blake Shelton concert). He was physically sick, and there wasn't anything that I could do to comfort him, he was 1000 miles away from us. Getting him home was no easy task .... the military was great at giving him time off, but the airlines were another story. He finally did get home about 18 hours later. Another strange thing about Geoffreys accident was that he and his younger brother were just talking the week before that he (Geoff) would never get a crotch rocket .. because he knew he'd hurt himself.... and now he's gone!!! It took a few months for toxicology reports to confirm what we already knew ... just wasn't under the influence of anything .... it was just a bad decision, and we will never know why he made the decision to get on that bike in the first place ... he had so much left to live for .. he was restoring a 1985 chevy C10 (he wanted to do it since high school) and he was going to be starting his house thing Spring ..... now he is gone, in the blink of an eye, he was gone!!!! So many lives shattered by his passing, we never knew how many people loved him until his passing (as I said, Geoff always seemed to blend in) ... one of his college friends told us that when they graduated college, they were all wondering who would be missed the most .. he said it was unanimous..they all said Geoff of course. But Geoff would never tell anyone that .. he was not self centered, not did he have a selfish bone in his body. Missing my "Munchkie Man" more and more each day.Thanks to all for taking the time to read this .. I know that I jumped all over the place ...Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steph's Biggest Fan Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Good morning all. I'm new as well, although my loss isn't so new....my angel date as you can see is almost 2 years ago. My 28 year old only child, daughter, died after having disk surgery. I suspect it was malpractice, but because she wasn't married and no children, in the state of florida we aren't afforded the right to make a claim. At any rate, she didn't survive, and that's my biggest obstacle. I've done pretty well over the last 18 months, but have in the last 4 months taken somewhat of a nosedive. I am married to the most wonderful, compassionate man anyone could ask for, and because of him, I have grandchildren that I never would have had. Just after we married, he became increasingly ill from diabetes and quickly went into kidney failure and later required a transplant, thereby making organ donation a very large part of our lives. His oldest son was his donor. A month before Steph had surgery the three of us were sitting in our living room talking about what we each wanted done if something happened. She made it clear to become a donor. Little did we know that a month later I would be signing that release. But I did. She gave life to five people directly, many in other donations, and two of whom we have had the privilege of meeting. The most special to me was her heart recipient. He allowed me to lay my hand on his chest and once again feel the beat of MY child's heart. It was awesome. And most would think that would be healing for me. It was at the beginning, but as time has passed, it's becoming more and more difficult to want to see him. It's almost like I saw that he's doing good, now leave me alone. This is why I'm reaching out here. Because I'm shutting down everywhere else, even with my husband. He and I have been through so much, and I don't want to lose more in my life, but as I read the 10 steps of grief, it's as though I'm the only one that understands them, as much as those around me try. Someone PLEASE tell me you have gone through the same thing. I feel like I'm losing my mind. We have very busy lives. Even though he is disabled due to his disease (my husband), we took on coaching our grandgirls softball team last year and what a true blessing that was. I was an athlete and even though Steph wasn't, she was always with me at the park. My husband umpires little league and she too, would go with me and we would sit during his games and laugh and eat "park food." It was the most wonderful times. Anyway, being back on the ball field at 51 and having ten or eleven 10 year olds run to you from the far back of the parking lot yelling COACH SUZANNE with outstretched arms is such a blessing! So I'm sure all of you at this point are asking, what's your problem? Here it is. I was doing really well, and we had to move my husband's oldest son, his wife and 4 kids in with for a short time (about 4 months) and it wasn't an easy experience, especially for me. Because of that, I took so many steps backwards. They have since moved out, and we are repairing the damage of two families living together, but in the meantime, I feel like all eyes are on me because I took a nosedive in healing. Now I feel I'm under a microscope and all fingers are being pointed at me. I'm reaching out here because I'm in that shutdown mode. i don't want to deal with this any longer, while I know it's never going away. Thank you all for reading. I'm sorry this is long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wishing everyone that is new to the site a warm welcome. You have found a good place to come and talk about your child. In grieving there are many stages... but we all go about this in our own way and time. Two steps forward and one back seems to be how it works for most of us. It is going to take a very long time to rebuild your life again after suffering such a devastating loss. Do not let others push you into forcing it. This is your call. You have the right to let it happen in your own time. You will eventually find peace again and even happiness and laughter. It takes a ton of patience, tears, and time. Hold on tight and make sure you try to take good care of yourself as well. Becky, good luck this afternoon. Shannon, hope you husband is feeling better today. I enjoyed seeing your pics of Trista. Thanks for sharing. I loved looking at the photos on Jeff's camera. Did you know that Bono lost his mom when he was fourteen? She died of a cerebral aneurysm while attending her Dad's funeral and dropped dead in front of him. He was devastated and in shock for years. He had a very tumultuous relationship with his father who happened to have an amazing singing voice. Gretchen, I absolutely loved your painting of the shoes!!! Please keep it up. And post more when and if you have any to share. Susan...good for you. Taking that long walk on such a beautiful day must have felt glorious. Please send some of that warm Texan weather my way. It is snowing again...and the temps are just same old same old...COLD. I have come down with a bit of a flu bug and hope to take it easy today. Not much energy I'm afraid. Thinking of everyone and hoping your day is a better one. A nine year old boy died yesterday in Winnipeg and I would ask that you please keep his family in your prayers. He was found last week playing in a snow tunnel or fort he had built and it had collapsed. He lived for three days on a respirator. Prayers for his family. Thanks. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guests Guest Trista's_Mom Posted January 21, 2014 Guests Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Karen, I read about Geoff. The way you describe him shows his sweet soul. There are others here have lost their Child through traumatic, sudden accidents and even more specifically involving motorcycles. Trista's accident was in a car. She was a passenger in the car that was t-boned by a tanker truck that was speeding through a dangerous intersection. The driver of the car, who was one of Trista's dearest friends, walked away with minor injuries and the truck without a scratch. She was less that 3 miles from home. No matter what our circumstances though, we all come together with an understanding of something none of us ever wanted to understand. Yet, here we are and as much as we never wish anyone to endure the loss of a Child, some days the knowledge that I am not alone is what gets me through the day. Those questions, the how, the why... We all understand those. How are your husband and other kids doing? I can relate to what you wrote about your husband now having that image of Geoff at the scene forever in his mind. I saw my Trista at the scene as well. They hadn't yet been able to get her out of the car when we arrived. My husband stayed in the car with our four year old and I ran to Trista. There where people trying to hold my back I got through. That image is always with me and it's what jolts me awake many many nights. I am just a couple months farther on this journey than you are. I don't have much to offer in the way of experience but others here longer do give us hope that things will get softer in time. That eventually we will be able to focus more on how our Child lived, those happy memories, instead of the way they died. Those 'Guides' as Susan calls them, and I can't think of a more perfect word, reach out their hands to us, wave us on, and shine a little light for those of us who are still stumbling around in the dark. What I can say is that I understand. I know this pain. We are all here to hold out our hands to each other. Steph's Mom, I'm glad you found us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Steph. I have to say that I felt an instant 'connection' to you. When I saw your Daughter's Angel Date it gave my heart a jolt. It is my Trista's Birthday. She turned 17 that day. I am just 7.5 months into this. However, I can't imagine that 10 or 11 more months will make that much difference in this journey. This is a lifetime journey. There are people here who are closer to where you are on the timeline and I'm sure they will tell you first hand that you should be nowhere but exactly where you are. While all of our experiences will be as individual as we are and as our Children are, many things are shared by all who have to walk this path. There are a few steps forward and many steps back. I have times that I've been just moving along and suddenly hit a wall. I have to stop, rest, revisit, reflect, and remember. Everything I said above to Karen is for you as well. Please keep sharing with us. This is a safe place to share our steps forward and our steps back, to share our precious Children, our good memories, and dark times. I know we would all love to learn more about Steph. Kate, I'm sorry you're feeling under the weather. I hope you start getting your energy back soon. It's terribly cold here too (although, I'm sure not as cold as it is there). We got more snow and with the thawing and refreezing everything is a sheet of ice. Schools and businesses are closed. I didn't know that about that Bono. It seems the art that touches people the most many times comes from the soul of a person who has experienced a lot in life. It comes from a deep place within the soul that touches our souls. I know just what you mean about looking at Jeff's pictures. I do the same with Trista's ipad. Sometimes I can't but sometimes it's so good for me to look at those pictures, watch the videos, and feel her presence. Becky, I forgot to tell you how much I loved your poem and all the poetry you share here. Thank you. I hope you're able to make it to your appointment today. Let us know. My husband's appointment with the specialist was rescheduled because of the weather here. I'm thinking of everyone today and sending wishes for a peaceful day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Steph's Biggest fan.....all of us on this site understands 'what' you are reaching out for....and I want you to know how deep our sorrow is when a 'new' one comes here...sorrow for the loss of your girl...and sorrow for your grief...and many will relate to your sharing of your story...you 'gave the gift of life' to many when your girl lost her's....it can be a double edged sword...you see them walking in the sunshine....and you walk without your girl. I do hope you can take the time to read some of our 'old postings'....there may be a word or words that can comfort you...help you....or by our sharing...you will know that you do not walk this grief path alone. We will all grieve in our own unique way....just as our child was unique....the common thread is the grief journey. You seem to be surprised by the sheer fact that you seem to be back at square 1 on the grief path....but I am not....and many on this site will relate to those facts. I am not a guru...or therapist....I am just a Mom that lost her son, John David....on August 3, 2012.....and for me...I have good days....bad days...better moments....sad moments...down on my knees all day...and sob sessions some days. I own a small apartment complex....and very, very involved with community events...social events...GRANDchildren that are in sports etc....this is a small town....if you don't know someone...well...you know someone that does....we are pretty connected here. After losing John David....I needed to 'cocoon'....I needed time for myself....and because the 'shock suit' was on very tight....I could not articulate or think through just 'how' to drop out of my life for awhile.....I did not have a circle of friends around me that had lost a child...I had no manual to direct me...then....a wonderful person named Dee...who has been on this site for 10 years....came to my rescue...she validated my instinct to 'cocoon'....she knew right where I was coming from....and she told me I did not have to make any excuses....to just say...'Thank you....but not now'......how simple...but it worked. I think for us that are heavy duty in our communities or volunteering etc....it is hard to 'STOP'.....take a bow....impose 'self exile'...but I can tell you that in my case...that has been the most important part in 'me helping me to heal myself'.....no one can do that but you. Don't let others give you your timeline....or a time when you should 'be over it'....and maybe you did great at first....if you feel like you are slipping into another layer of grief...just go with it...I think there are many on this site that have been on this site for a lot longer than me that will relate to just what you are going through...and they will give you a hand up and reach out to you.It is just so darn hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 To our Newbies here, welcome in the saddest of ways. Suzanne, we once had a Sussanah and she lost her daugher Steph. I am sorry for your heartache. It is certainly normal in this new normal world, to take many steps back after many steps forward. Could be that you were busy caretaking and in doing so, you could not also grieve, but grief is demanding its time with you, it has to be dealt with on all the levels we have. Try to see if there is someone in the area to do a bit of grief counseling if money permits as it may be the best $$$you spend. Finding out that you are not CRAZY...well that is priceless. We feel crazy at times, our hearts are shattered and so we feel so lost and so sad, memories both hurt and delight, other people's energy is sometimes an assault on our senses...alll sorts of things could be going on not to mention menopause. I lost my girl when I was 47, and by 50 was going through very strong symptoms of menopause. I am 57now, but will say that the hormones changing does not make this any easier for sure. I am hoping for you to find some comfort here. Karen, your Boy Geoff is still smiling his beautific smile all the time, shining down on you and his brothers and Dad. Yes, we have permanent memories that are terribly hard to face, but we learn to do just that as our Kids want us to stand where they no longer can, stand tall and live our best lives. To do this we must allow our grief and know that our changes have been catastrophic, it takes time, a long process, to find our way to the new life we have to make. It is to be done, but never in a hurry or on anyone elses timeframe. Peace All Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngeoffdoug Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Dee,You're right ... I think that Geoffrey is certainly smiling down on us ... it was just his nature. Geoff would certainly want everyone to continue living their lives as they had before, but it is so difficult. I go to the cemetary quite often, and when it storms, I (my husband or son) take the long walk in so that we can make sure his stone is cleaned off... I can't bear the thought of his face being covered over (his picture is on it). I try not to focus on the accident and not having Geoff here anymore, but it just consumes me, it's eating me alive! My husband keeps it all inside .... he only cries when he is alone. I try not to constantly cry, because I don't want to make him or my son any more sad than they already are. My oldest is now married and he and his wife are expecting their first child .. a little boy (that was conceived exactly a week after we lost Geoff) ..and they are going to have Geoff as the middle name ... they know they couldn't call him Geoff, because no one could ever replace him. It is a very exciting time, but at the same time, it was like a life for a life, and is hard for me. I am leaving Sat to spend a few days with them in NC. I am hoping that I can put a smile on my face for them. It was very difficult for my oldest, because he had just gotten back from spending a year overseas in S Korea, and had only been home (on US soil) for 2 months before the accident. It is hard for him, because he is in the Army and he is away from all of his family. We have the day to day things that make us sad (the empty room, miss not making his lunch for him each day, etc)...he only has the memories. What a mess ... Shannon,I am so sorry for your devasting loss. One never expects to lose a child, it's not the natural order of things. Have you talked to people about the accident, did you ever share what you saw? My husband keeps it all inside, and he can't sleep at night ...especially around the time of the accident. He doesn't want to talk about it, which I can't blame him. What you both carry inside has to be so very difficult. I have joined a parent bereavement group (my husband won't do anything, read, talk to anyone, nothing...where I can't get my hands on enough). It helps me to be able to talk about anything and everything, without being judged. My youngest son has alot of bad days .. he and his brother were so close, best friends, they did everything together. He will be flying down to NC in a couple weeks (day after Geoffs bday) to visit with his oldest brother ... I think that will be good for the both of them. How is your husband doing? Does your 4 year old understand everything that has happened? Lets hope that we can all find the inner strength to someday learn to live again .. without our precious child!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Geoff's Mom Steph's mom....we have one daughter and five boys....John David was the oldest boy...Randa was the oldest...the girl....we now have 14 GRANDchildren....and 4 months after John David passed...our son, Jesse and his wife welcomed a new little man.....and they named him Wyatt John...so I do understand the high and low speeds of emotions...dealing with the grief...and then having a celebration of new life. I think you will find many on here whose husbands are much like yours...watch him close....9 months after we lost John David...my husband had open heart quadruple by pass surgery....(there is a back story to that but I will relate that later for the new ones).... we all ask the same questions...the 'WHY'....we all look for rhyme or reason....we all have those 'What If'....over and over like background musicwe all replay 'that day' over and over....we sit and think and think and sit....maybe we can come up with another outcome.... We as parents think our love is so strong and we think we can protect our child from any harm...but that is simply not true....we as humans simply don't have that kind of supernatural control over the universe... We are simply parents that have super human love for our child... Steph's Mom....there is a Mom on this site...her name is Laurie...she lost a baby boy years before she lost her adult son, Jesse.....she has mentioned that she did not get to 'really grieve' for that infant son....and she had a 'grief relapse' situation....maybe you are simply having a 'grief relapse'....and that is very, very normal.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Geoffrey's Mom- I read your story this morning. So many of the same emotions and questions I have faced I saw reflected there...my son Jesse died on the motorcycle...he had been experienced in driving many types of sports machines...however, someone ran him over in his own lane while he was on his way to a 10 am doctor's appt. We are still in the court process... Your husband....my husband does the same...has withdrawn himself and mostly goes to Jesse's house to mourn, to talk to him, to cry, to yell...there were so many common threads I saw in your story, I believe you mentioned your son's new venture with a house...we were in the process of a major remodel of Jesse's house...all those dreams lost... I remember a mom on here who shared the absolute details of her son's accident...he was killed with his girlfriend in a bad car wreck...I think it was necessary at some point for this to be verbalized...your husband may need to find someone safe to do this with, if he will... The sibling grief, yes...we just got back from a counseling appt. for my daughter...fortunately, even though she is an adult, I can bill it under my insurance for family counseling....I have to stay there for the appt. but do not necessarily have to go in with her... You are more than welcome to read any of my past threads on this forum... Steph's mom- I would say that you might be crashing about this point...I read warning stories about year two from other bereaved parents...the reality that settles in, the denial that wears away leaving your soul exposed to what is your life now....yes, I did lose an infant son, Taylor before in 1987...I was not allowed to grieve, it was to push through...that does not work. I knew this time, I was going to grieve my way...however long I wanted to grieve, and no one was going to take that away from me. Jesse was my soul-friend besides being my son, I felt in the weeks before the accident that it was I who was going into death... So how you have to grieve, it is yours alone. It will never go away truly, perhaps one day it may become less painful, more manageable...my feeling on grief is that your response is determined partly by the relationship you had with your child, your past history in life, your age in life and I believe that some have a greater resilence than others...just my thoughts though... Here are a couple of things that I would share, the first is the wristband that I found in Jesse's things after he passed, this was not something he would have ever worn, yet there it was in the colors of heaven....I wore it for months... [click on images to enlarge] Grief poem Wishing peace and comfort to you both... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Laurie....I do like that poem...have you posted it before...? If so, glad you shared it again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Made my doctor's appt. today, given meds to calm my diabetic nerve pain to help with insomnia, and two more appts. for mri and nerve study, then back to the neurologist. So sorry to see more new ones here, but want to welcome you. One of the nights I couldn't sleep, I took a blanket and went in on Jared's (J.D.'s) bed and curled up with his teddy bear and looked out at the night sky and the stars. Some of which were twinkling. Made me think of all the times in his toddler years that I sang to him. As the song played in my mind, I was ending it with "how I wonder where you are". I am one that has played the night of his death in my mind over and over, tormented by the thoughts of moments he may have felt or been alone that night as he lay dying, and it is so hard to get past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Laurie....I do like that poem...have you posted it before...? If so, glad you shared it again...A while ago I had posted it...thought it really spoke to the truth about grieving... I liked your thoughts about taking a break from the social demands...to find that restful balance for our healing...it can be hard to do... ********************************************************************************* Becky, prayers for you as the medical tests are continued...know it is frustrating not being able to type... Kate, hope all is well up there in the Canadian wilds...I say we are cold, then I remember Canada up above us...it is pretty there though...I always wanted to visit eastern Canada...by the sea shore... Shannon, loved the pics you posted...the painting idea sounds good, I wanted to try knitting...don't know how this will go, bought the needles and some test yarn... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Steph mom,I just read your post.i lost my only son Steve in nov 2011. He died suddenly of a cardiac arrest he was revived and lived for several days in the hospital untill he was brain dead .we also donated his organs .it was what he wanted.a short time before he died he was joking and saying how he wanted to donate his organs to someone who,d make better use of them.i have not met any of the recipients.i guess I am afraid to.when Steve died I thought maybe he had to die so the others who received his organs could live,maybe god had a plan and one of those people was needed to live to do something great that god had planned.truth is now I,m afraid to meet them...to maybe see they are not anymore special than my son,and I don't know if I want to know that.i still can't believe that my son is gone,that his life was taken away so early for nothing.but I know it would be much worse if we hadn't done that at least thru his death others may live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Shannon...thank you for sharing your photos...love your art...and that baby that Trista so loved...well...she is still loving him...what a car full of 'baby movie stars'....and here you are holding on tight to what is meaningful...with all the 'issues' coming to you from all sides...still looking at the stars...the snow....we know the tears that run down your face....you are doing 'good'...you have a strength and a spirit that was shaped long before you lost your girl....many wish we could sprint up to your front door to give you and hand....but all we can do is give you a 'hand up with words'... Laurie...thought of you when Steph's mom seem to be describing her 'grief relapse'...and how you felt about not being able to grieve for that baby boy.....I guess it is true....that with the grief path...we can't jump over it...run around it...side step it....we must go through it.....if not....we will be faced with the mourning at some place in our life that will meet us head on.... I have learned so much with my 'self imposed exile'....or 'cocooning'....and really....all those social events...and organizations...and meetings...and 'to do' things....went on just fine without me...I have found a 'freedom'.....I have found release....and I have found that in that space I went into...the silence and the oneness...I am bringing myself back to myself....I am the only one that has the healing for myself....it is still sorta mixed up..still sorta foggy for all this new knowledge....but...as I have said....I am sitting in class...and ready to learn. I am in the Pre-school class of grief....I don't know when I will be promoted to another grade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Dee....the walk was good....it was like putting my foot out there...and not knowing where the path was....just a 'walk in faith'...but it was...a good thing....so many memories....so many layers....today....I took my dogs for a walk...well...that may be a trifle putting that large...Cowgirl will wear a dog leash....my Sue Ann....the little one....will not....years ago I put a leash on her and she laid down....and I tried to make her stand up..but all she would do is lay down....I even 'dragged her around' for awhile...thinking she would learn....a person passing by in the car looked at me like I was abusing her...so....I let her have her way....so....she just 'walks' with me and Cowgirl....I have to make sure she is by my side when a car comes by...and she does stay close to me....just one of those things....but at least I have started walking.... It is going to get 'cold' in my part of Texas....but nothing compared to my Northern sisters....we will have a cold blast on Thursday...and then rain and sleet...but nothing that will stick...so.....please...ya'll stay inside and stay safe and warm... Oh Laurie...talking about knitting...Pebbie had a choice to take a class at Unity Theater or a Knitting class at school..(after school)....and she chose knitting....I asked her if maybe I could sit in...and she said the class was full....so....I told her she would have to come to Nonnie's house everyday after knitting....and show me what she learned....who knows...maybe ...another learning curve...Kate....you are our most Northern sister....am thinking of you....please hunker down...and stay safe and warm....Lora...you ok ?Becky....I know that you will find some answers....for sure.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Susan and Laurie, we are doing ok up here. I will never like this type of winter, but I'm accepting it. It snowed all day and the temps are chilly. We have a wind chill warning out for the night. I'm basically counting seven weeks left of this stuff and then hopefully spring will arrive. Bring it on! I had planned to go for a walk this afternoon, but was not feeling up to it. I lay down and fell asleep for over an hour which is something that I never do. I'm trying to beat this thing before it takes hold. So,tea,sleep,and curling up with a good book is about all I can do right now. I'm thinking of everyone and hoping you all sleep well tonight. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Becky… Hoping for the best on your next appointment. I hope it gave you some peace for now. Praying really hard for you. Susan… Glad you got to take a good walk. It’s been very nice here, although we now need some snow in the mountains…really dry. It’s nice to visit Brooks when the weather is warm. Thank you for thinking of us in our “father-son” relationship. This is just so dang hard. Can’t get myself out of the “funk.” When I stay busy during the week all is ok…not so much on the weekends. Today, I thought of how much I want to play catch with Brooks. That was so much a part of our life, even after his playing days. Makes me think of the movie “Field of Dreams” when Costner asks his “father” if he wants to have a game of catch. I never turned Brooks down…ever. I bet we literally through a million balls to each other…and we both loved it. I miss that…little things again that make me cry, thinking that I will never have that again. I know how those memories affect all of us. I live right next to the high school and pass the baseball daily, and my mind always turns back to those days of playing and watching Brooks. I guess it will eventually get better and the memories will be more pleasant. Gave his college baseball jacket to Ronnie…Chad’s sister, when they were over here for dinner last week. Fit her perfect. I, too, am wondering when I will be promoted to the next grade…and hoping it will be better. Dee… Called my brother in Northern MN tonight and he said they got another foot or so of snow, and it’s supposed to get -20 again. I sure feel for all of you in this yucky weather. Snow is ok…cold is sucky. Do your students get to go out for any recess in this weather? And what a beautiful picture of all the cousins. Those are the things that brighten my day. Thank you! Shannon… Hoping that the doctors figure out what’s wrong. Continually praying for you all. How is Zak doing? Does he play any school sports? I just finished working three hours at a middle school girl’s volleyball match. I do the same thing when writing my posts. I get all of them in my email and then post for each one. I’ve lost one before too. Trista will be watching over Xander…She is so amazing. I am praying for you…this is so hard…I hope that Jessi is ok and will show Trista’s love when he’s older. I pray for all of our children to continue their amazing influence in others… Beautiful pictures…beautiful memories. I didn’t know about the accident images. I’m so sorry. I hope your dreams are filled with the beautiful memories of Trista that you share here, and not those others. Thank you for the pictures…as always, they bring a precious smile to me and I love that from you. Gretchen… I love your idea of how you celebrate Forest’s life. What a way for his friends to share with you and remember him. I pray for that strength when Brooks’ birthday approaches. He shares my birthday so not sure what I will do. Karen… You can tell in your writing of the pain and anguish, but also the immeasurable love he has from his parents and brother. I have wondered many times of what my son’s last minutes were truly like, but am blessed that, like Geoff, Brooks died instantly. I will one day ask his friend if he saw the gun and knew what was coming, but for now I know I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t ask the detectives if I could see any photos or anything…I am praying for your husband to always see the beautiful boy that was so much a part of your life. This is hard…stay with us here…and I would love to hear more about Geoff. I know this site has been so good for me…maybe your husband can share too. It might be easier for him if he knows there are a few dads on this site. Little different perspective. I was told by some very loving and compassionate people on here that men and women grieve differently, and I think they are correct. I am only able to share on this site…not in person with anyone…even my wife. It allows me to open up a little…not that my friends don’t ask me if I’m ok…but it’s just not my way to share with them… I don’t think I could handle that in person…hard enough on here sometimes. Please let him know I’m thinking of him. Steph’s mom… I think you did a wonderful thing for your family allowing them to move in. Hopefully they will see how hard it was on you and give you some space. I believe sharing with us is a good thing. Has been for me. I will be praying for you and your husband. It seems like he will be a very positive support for you. Share as much as you want…we all know how hard this journey can be. Doesn’t matter about time…our journey is what it is…and we all must grieve in a way that focuses on “us.” You found a good place to share. Kate… Sure hope that bug is a little one. Hoping for better weather for you too. You’re in my thoughts every day… Laurie… I think what you wrote to Geoff’s mom is completely right. I sometimes also just let it all out when nobody is around. Please let your husband know I am thinking about him. If he ever wants to talk…text…let me know and I will give you my number. MaryAnn… I know how proud you must be that Steve gave that gift of life. I pray it gives you some comfort. As soon as we heard about Brooks’ death and called the detectives, I told them he was an organ donor, but they don’t take the organs in a crime like that. Wish Brooks could have given them… Watching NCIS and they are talking about how someone on the show should grieve. One of the characters just said…”Don’t let anyone tell you when you are ready to move on.” Sounds like the wisdom I’ve seen on here. Brooks’ strobe ornament is still on…Chad thinks it’s a sign…now almost a month…only supposed to be on for 200 hours. At first I thought it only came on at night and that’s why it was still on, but I checked this weekend and it was on during the middle of the day. I pray it stays on and that the sign I keep looking for is there for me to see every day. Each day I see that light on I thank God for his grace. Hope...peace...love to all. Thank you for being who you are and what you mean to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tbearw58 Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 To Geoffrey's mom I am so sorry for your loss I lost my son Nick 11/14/2013 so I know what pain we are feeling. His birthday is 03/23 and it will be hard to live that day without him. Nick was also killed in a horrific accident in his car not on his bike like I had always worried about. This place is great and the people here are very loving and caring. I hope you can find some kind of comfort on his birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngeoffdoug Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Nicks Dad ....I am so sorry for your loss .... I understand the pain. Geoff always loved speed, and was restoring an older truck, from the ground up .... it was his passion. He couldn't wait to get it done and take me for a ride!!! I remember on Mothers Day last year, he and his younger brother (my oldest was still in S Korea), they wanted to buy me a tree, so we went to the nursery, and on the way there, at every opportunity, Geoff would rev him motor (he had just purchased a brand new 2013 4 door Chevy Silverado ... and it had to have the 6.2 in it, then of course he had to do something to the exhaust so it was louder) ... I was sitting in the back seat, and Geoff would just look at me in his rearview mirror and have that smirk on his face!!! He loved to make me say .. Geoffrey, will you cut it out!!! I never thought I would lose him on a motorcycle ..... it just boggles my mind. I hope that we can both find some comfort with all the support from this group.Take care,Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members johngeoffdoug Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Wade,I am hoping that I can get my husband on this site ... I really think that not having to talk directly at someone that he can say what he feels. Holding it all inside is not healthy. I was telling one of my friends that with Geoff dying instantly, we never had to make any of the life and death decisions that some people have to do. Like you, (different circumstances), I wonder what went through his mind in those last few seconds ... was he scared, was he thinking, oh no, this is it, did his life flash before his eyes? I struggle with that every day, knowing that he suffered at all is almost too much for be to handle. The girl that witnessed the crash said that he did die instantly, the impact was just so severe, and then the bike exploded. I just think of his handsome face, that smile of his ... all gone in an instant .....Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JD's Mom, Becky Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Karen, I just had to write and tell you of our experience when dealing with the thoughts of my son's final momentssss that haunted us for months. JD was only 15, and was hit from behind as he skateboarded towards our home, only 1/4 mile from our driveway. They also said he died instantly, but we struggled knowing there were people on site that did not attempt cpr or anything else, not even to take his pulse, or to let him know someone was there with him. One night my daughter, Jasmine, six years older than JD, had a dream that she entered his bedroom and he was there, and he rose and hugged her hard, and she told him how she had been missing him and where had he been?? He told her it was ok, that he was fine, then she asked him "how did it feel"? and he looked at her and said "you mean how did it feel to die"? He smiled and said "I will show you", and put his right pointer finger up in the air, as if to say 'wait for it', and in the next second she woke from her dream, like you do when you dream you are falling and then are suddenly awake, and she knew in that moment that he was showing her how quickly it happened, and because he was smiling and happy in telling her about it, she had the sense that he was at peace. I hope this helps you somehow. The thought of my son being in heaven is the only thing that gives me any peace. It has helped me cope to write poetry and create pictures as I imagine him. We have also been heavily involved in reducing the speed limit on our road, and are now trying to get our neighborhood to install security lighting offered by the electric company that would help light our roadway. Everything we do , we do in his honor. I also wish that they had asked us about organ donation, but I guess by the time he got to the hospital, it was too late. I know he would have wanted to do that, as that is the kind of person he was. Still struggling with typing, and fell flat on my face this morning while trying to clean up cat food that I spilled. Had one hell of a time gettting back to my feet. Schools closed again today due to snow storm last night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 as we pick up the broken pieces.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Just popping by to say I am thinking of everyone on this chilly winter's day. Wade...I will definitely arrange for trucks to be delivered your way with tons of snow. We have plenty to go around. Did you catch the Jets game last night? The first loss for the Ducks this season. The Jets are in California all week. They made arrangements to have their fathers flown in to be with them for the entire week. Nice idea. Ross and I are looking forward to watching the Olympics from a safe place in our sunroom. I love figure skating and skiing. Becky, sorry you had that fall this morning. Take it easy. Hope you are getting some help around your place. Susan, I do not want to ask what the temps are in Texas today. Cool to you would be balmy to me right now. Stay warm. Karen, I'm not sure if this helps, but I had an experience a year ago that also gave me a tremendous amount of encouragement. I was given the opportunity to hear that my son is ok. I will not go into the details today, but suffice to say that it was an amazing experience that came out of the blue. God does indeed work in mysterious ways. It helped to lift a huge weight off of my shoulders at the time. I am very grateful for that. I know our children are in a beautiful place where they are surrounded by much love and beauty. I am thinking of everyone on this journey. Both old and new. I always hate to mention names for fear of forgetting someone. Just know that you are all dear to me and I wish you peace restored to your lives once again. Time works wonders. I certainly relate to the stories of the youthful pranks our kids played. And how they relished seeing our reaction. Gotta love those guys! Take care everyone. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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