Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Carol....how you can catch a moment...and make it momentous....love that....thank you for sharing...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sandy, I absolutely love the message from Sarah.

I've been reading and thinking of everyone. Just been so tired and resting a lot.

I'm starting to feel a little better each day. I've been thinking a lot about what happened to me over the past few weeks. I had been feeling this growing pressure in the weeks leading up to the holidays... Worry over how I would get through, how to make things good for everyone, and how I would be able to try to give the boys some happiness when my heart is so broken and the pain is so intense. Then I just got busy... Shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping. I was doing everything I could to bring Trista through the holidays with us. If I hadn't done that I don't think I could have pulled it off. I stayed as busy as possible trying to keep my mind occupied. It worked until I got all the gifts under the tree on Christmas Eve. Then I broke. I went into the deepest, darkest place and stayed there. Through Christmas and New Years. I tried to pretend I was okay even to myself. New Years Eve I hit bottom. I just got to a place of feeling like I needed to give up. I knew I wouldn't but I couldn't see how I was going to continue for this indefinite period of time, the rest of my life, without my Girl. It was hard to say I needed help. I just don't do that. This "breakdown" forced me to and maybe that's the best thing that could have happened. It's hard trying to explain myself. I didn't want to hurt myself and knew I wouldn't but I couldn't stop the panic. I couldn't see a future without Trista. It's hard to explain that I don't want to be here but I don't want to leave. I don't want to live without my Girl and I don't want to live without my Boys. A foot in both worlds.

I broke down... Mentally, physically, emotionally. I got physically sick and I think in a way it took that for me to finally rest. With the rest I've had time to think, to not think, to just be. I'm still very lost. I don't know who I am. Others have talked about not recognizing the face in the mirror. I don't know her at all. Not just because I've lost weight, and aged years in just a few months. I don't see myself in her eyes. At least not the me I used to be. I'm not who I was and I don't know who I will become. I'm in limbo. Somewhere between what was and what will be. It's this place that scares me, but a little less now. I think I need to be for awhile. Like Susan says, "camp out". I can't rebuild myself from the ground up over night. And that's what I am doing. The very core of me has changed. The person I was is gone. She lived in a different world and can't survive in this one.

I have to let the questions come sometimes. It's part of this for me, I think. There will come a time soon where I put up the stop sign and take a few more steps forward but for now I'm in the place of questions. The why, the how, the where, the what ifs, and the what nows?

I apologize for ranting so long and maybe this all makes me sound like I'm stark raving mad. I actually feel more clear than I did before. At least in knowing that I don't have to know... Right now.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon...you are doing good...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sandy, that was a beautiful message from your Sarah...I am so glad it brought comfort to your heart.

 

Shannon, I know that place, that realization or beginnings of... for me I reached it about 10 months out, and then it came to me dream form first...to gently inform my conscious mind of what it did not want to know or believe...and I know that I still do not "know or acknowledge" what has happened to my son fully...it will be a very long time, and in the meantime I am camped out on the path...

 

I sit by my woodstove alot to give myself some warmth, take my medicine, read and rest. I do take care of my youngest son's baby who is now 11 months old while he is at work. That is all I have found that I can handle. You are not "mad", you are just very wounded right now in your inner being. 

 

I envision this "place", the BI community, where those who have sustained inner mortal wounds come to share, heal and rest.

 

The other day I read of a Vietnam vet who said those who suffered in combat only want to share that experience with other combat vets who have had the same. They have a bond, a brother/sisterhood and are glad just to sit in one another's presence with a shared knowing.

 

I think this is that type of "place". I send prayers for you and also warm thoughts...

 

********************************************

 

Kate, thank you for the note of appreciation to me.

 

Wishing all a kind, gentle sleep tonight...

[ericasmom]

No time now, but just to say Shannon, not a rant, but self-discovery and speaking it not only helps you to articulate where you have been and where you are right now...but helps those who find themselves in similar places. It is not being stuck, it is a time of finding remnants and building on. It is a process, all things worth doing are a long process. I will post a poem when I can, I wrote it a long time ago, it was about those dips into the deepest darkest places and how in them, we find nuggets of material that help us eventually, but the discoveries can be very painful. We are with you.

[Susie_q512]

Hi Everyone,

It's been so long since I've logged on here.....seems to be very rare that I do. Just been "Lost in the Loss" I suppose. It's been a difficult struggle for me....this grief....this new life. So much collapse and change leaves my head spinning most of the time. Still only sleep a couple hours a night. Although I have accepted that I am powerless to change what's happened, I still struggle with disbelief and that sense of numbness. The 2 year mark was very difficult.....actually 2013 was difficult as a whole.....her 18th birthday, graduation, the 2 year death date...,,overwhelming and brutal. I seem to function better is the "numb" periods of time......it's the heart wrenching, gut and soul tearing periods of time that slay me and bring me to my knees. I spiraled recently and attempted suicide.....almost succeeded. But as I typically say, I'm still here and I still have a pulse. That incident brought about more upheaval and change, but I seem to be doing better emotionally. The vastness of grief and collapse is staggering, to say the least, but I am somewhat more hopeful today. I'm sorry that I haven't continued to be a part of the group here....,just had to take a break I guess. Much love to all, and for the newbies, I am so sorry that you walk this path with us.

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, Did I see that you said you have a new job?

Well, I guess you could call it that. My youngest son, Thomas, had a son, his name is Benton, Feb. of 2012. The girlfriend broke up with him and left the baby in our care since June. My son, Thomas, works night shifts so I watch Benton most of the time. The girl also abandoned her other two children to the fathers and replaced her motherhood with a job at Ashley furniture and a new guy. Sad.

Sending prayers for Todd's recovery and for family.

Susan, Shannon's mom, I am so sorry that it has been so hard. I went back and read your story under your profile. Is there family you can lean on or close friends? You are dealing with so many things at once that it would be overwhelming..sending you lots of hugs and prayers that those in your life would hold you close...

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, congrats on your new grandson! How lovely. He must be a joy for you an your husband to watch during the day. I'm sure he has a wonderful and loving family to raise him. Post pics if you can.

Susan, it is "So' good to hear from you again. I have often thought of you and your daughter and how you are both managing. I am so sorry to hear about your depression. I hope that you will find yourself surrounded by people that can help give you support. Susan mentioned a man named Surreal that recently told us of his attempt. Know that you are not alone in this and that you always have a place to come to share your feelings with us. I am glad that you are feeling somewhat more positive.

Sandy, I agree with Laurie. Sarah knows how much you love her and was giving you a bit of encouragement yesterday. Perhaps your SIL will change his mind. But for now please do not make yourself ill over worrying about it. In time it will right itself. You must take care of yourself too!

Now Shannon, I am just so pleased that you reached out for that help you wanted. All of us on this site are also here because we need help. Help from each other... and from those that we feel understand. So you see... you are not in this alone, and you must never feel as if you are sitting on an island suffering this loss with nobody that understands. I would be willing to bet that all of us here have reached that lowest of points somewhere along the road. In fact, I am certain of it. This process of learning to accept this loss and move forward is so hard. We make a little headway and then fall back a few steps. Back and forth until we find the strength and courage to keep going. Each on of us has our own coping skills. When we feel we are losing ground it really is comforting and life saving to know we can reach out here to our friends. A place that does not judge or criticize. I still have my days. The holidays are the toughest for me. It is starting to become more manageable and the pain is slowly beginning to soften around the edges. Time has a way of doing that. Hold on to your family and supports and just allow yourself to heal slowly. One day at a time. All the best to your husband and you Gram.

Lora, you too have had so much on your plate this past while. Todd's accident must have been such a terrible worry. I am sure you are so happy that the news is good. Like you... I too find my peace alone. My walks are a life saver. Connecting with nature and just allowing myself not to think and overload on things is a great help. I do hope you can see Jared this summer. How nice that he was able to come home for the holidays to spend it with you. Keeping busy is a really good thing o help with this loss. Just make sure you don't get run down and sick.

Becky, GOOD LUCK with you MRI today. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how it goes when you are able.

Carol, your Lucy is a little cutie pie. I bet she keeps you busy. Enjoy hearing from you and seeing your photos. Glad your weather is improving.

Well, we had our Vet appt. yesterday just after lunch. I was braced for the worst. She walked in carrying the needle and placed it on her examination table. After a thorough and very detailed exam it was determined that she still has some life left in her...this old gal of mine is still fighting. So, we are just keeping a close watch and will make sure she is not suffering in any way. As the lump had grown slightly and was bleeding I was very worried. She claimed it was due to her diabetes. So you see, I was worrying for nothing.

Today is amazing. The weather changed overnight and it is continuing to rise to warm temps for us. I am just heading out to enjoy it. Sending love and wishes for a better day to everyone. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan...Shannon's Mom.....

  my name is Susan, too.....I lost my John David Aug. 3, 2012.....

 

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” – Walter Anderson

 

 

this was from one of my friends on FB this morning....and when I read it...I thought of you...and there are others on this site that have attempted..suicide....Surreal shared with us that he did, too...

 

I am not qualified in any way to help one that is in that dark and deep ravine of life...

but...now...after losing my John David...I can 'better understand' that pain....the glass of my vision is still foggy...but I can peer inside just enough to have empathy for that kind of pain....

 

I am not familiar with your story...but I do know that each of us travel a grief journey that is as unique as our children were all unique....and we wear our own style of mourning....

   what 'works' for me....may or may not work for another....

how I 'cope'....would not be enough or too much for another....

the grief path we walk is our own....

but they run along parallel lines....the common ground is our grief...

   do you have a support group or circle around you now ? I can only hope that you have found a layer of living  for and with....and some solid ground under your feet....instead of the shifting sands that come with grief. Let us hear from you...peace to you.

[shorty16]

Susan

No matter how long it is between your posts, you are always part of this group..

Yes, this journey sucks...no 2 ways about it.

However, I have chosen to try to find happiness. I am 5.5 years into this nightmare. Time does help lessen the physical and emotional tolls we pay.

Hang on, one minute, one breath at a time. The light will show again.

We are here to hug you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 

Saw this angel image on another grief forum and thought I would share it. If you click on it to enlarge it will sparkle.

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Prayers that our angels are close to all tonight.

[daveydow1]

Lora-------Computers !!!!   They are great when they work, and you are right....something can always

go out of whack and cause many headaches. I love the pic of Cara......so sweet.

 

Susan---Good to see Shannon's dear sweet smile, and your post.  The 2 yr. mark is very difficult, indeed.

I'm sorry you're having those 'black hole' days.   Sending prayers.

 

Carol----Glad that you got your PC back. I sure know what you mean about all the kinks there are to

be worked out.  When I got my new PC in Dec. I was lost with the new OS  (Win 8 ), but little-by-little

I am getting onto it.  So different from the old one.  I hope you are able to get all your data back.  I

did not transfer anything from my old computer because I was afraid that I would mess it up royally, so am

slowly putting it all back into the new one a little bit at a time.  The pic you posted of the lighthouse in Mich. is a great pic,

and thanks for posting it.

 

 

Shannon-------

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time now.  I agree that sometimes it takes for us

to get physically ill to realize that our spirits need to be looked after too.  Please try to rest and

treat yourself gently.  Wishing you peace & comfort, friend.

 

 

Dee------

Is your school open again now?  Glad to see some warmer temps again.  While it's not

exactly 'warm'......it sure beats the below zero stuff!    

 

Eric  and Konnie-------So glad to have the color back, and the use of paragraphs too.   Thanks!

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, YOU HAVE COLOR! How wonderful, perfection. You were patient and learning your new machine and Carol and you and Kate let Konnie know what was still not working...voila'. Enjoy the color, It's nice to be able to switch it up. Yep, school  has been back in session for 2 days, I was able to take the kids out for a nice long recess this afternoon. It was great. I love them each.

 

Susan, I hoped you'd come back to let us know how you are doing. It was sweet to see Shannon's beauty smiling out at us, such a pretty pretty girl. I have missed you and I am so sorry that your life felt so bleak. I hope that you are climbing out of that black hole, just know that we have seen the depths of our sadness, but most of us agree that since we are still here, we must still have work to do. I am rooting for  you, prayers are sent your way, and hope by the boat load. You have another Daughter am I right? How is she doing these days? You and a few other Mom's here have a great deal in common as far as the ages of your Girls and the ways they left this place. I hope that you will continue to let us know how you are and how we can help if at all.

 

Laurie, thanks for the image of the Angel, she does indeed glisten. I don't think I knew about your little Grandboy. I agree, the Mom has issues and it is deeply sad that she cannot stay with any of her children, but also shows that she shouldn't be with them. I hope that your Son has full custody so that she cannot come in and take the children when she wants to try being Mom again.

 

Kate, a little more time with Dog, how nice. Give her a hug and a rub behind her ear for me.

 

Lora, prayers continue for your bro, Todd. ANd prayers for you too as your body and mind when through a great shock last week when he was in the accident. Yes, the fragile state of life sometimes is overwhelming and could freeze us in our tracks. I remember when it hit me that we do not have very much control of the lives of our loved ones, i felt very vulnerable, however if I let myself listen to Erica's sensibilities, I know that life is to be lived to the fullest, life is for the living, life is filled with unanswered questions, and life is precious so we must live it in our best ways for all of our Angels.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...thank you for sharing about your GRANDson...I read an article....I don't know how much truth there was in it....but was saying that more grandparents are raising grandchildren 'these years' because of the drugs....in our society....I am not going there tonight for I don't have that much time....

but....applause....applause....for you to step in....for that little man...little fellow...

gee....wish I lived right down the street to give you a little partner with him....but he is a gift...a gift here on earth....

   and really....if a woman doesn't want to be a Mom....how abusive that child can be treated....

no...I don't understand it....or ever....but....he is at the right place and right time..to be with a loving person as you....

[wgreenlee]

Finally dragging myself out of the "hole" of despair.  Was reading posts over the last week and just got so emotional each time thinking of everyone's pain and why all this is happening that I became a victim of these circumstances, and forgot what Brooks would want me to do.  So yesterday I started going through many of his things and found all sorts of "cool" stuff.  A friend of his had asked me on FaceBook if he could use Brooks' catching gear and anything else I might have for baseball, because he was starting playing again in an adult league.  At first I was hesitant because I didn't know if I could part with it, but Brooks was never selfish about his stuff so I packed it up and brought it over to his friend last night.  Had a nice chat with him at the same time too.  He posted how appreciative he was on Facebook, and other friends responded that they would like something of Brooks, as well, to remember him by.  So back I went through his stuff and found more cool things to give them.  Trying to give each of them just the right piece of Brooks that will bring a special memory for them.  Told them I would drop stuff off this weekend, so for the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to a weekend where work isn't a priority just to keep me busy.  Renea and I are keeping some special things just for us of course.  Found some new pictures as well.  I decided not to look at them just yet, because there has been a thought in my mind that eventually I would run out of pictures of him, and there wouldn't be any new memories so I'm only going to look at a new picture every once in a while so they last longer.

 

When I went to visit Brooks tonight all of his lights were shining so bright like he was saying, "Good job, dad."  Since the sun doesn't shine too bright on his site right now his lights don't get a very good charge, but today they were marvelous.  Thank you, my precious boy!

 

Shauna cleaned Brooks' cross and is now wearing it.  She has been doing well, but the holiday took a toll on her too.  I'm glad we decided to open his effects.  We had been drifting apart a little, which was to be expected, but I missed her and the kids a lot.  Not sure when her life will take a different turn.  When I go to her Facebook page I always look at her "relationship status."  I'm afraid of the time when she won't have Brooks as her status, but know that it will happen eventually.  Her children are the only grandkids I will have, and I don't want that to end.  I realize it will eventually and must be so for their good, but it was nice to get them presents and share a little Christmas.  Ended up getting the whole family plus a few others a season pass to Six Flags.  Wanted Shauna to have some adult friends to go with.  Brooks loved going there with them, and some of my favorite pictures of him are with her kids, especially the girls.  He looked so happy with them.  He was so proud of being a good dad.

 

 

Still not sleeping well...lots of nightmares where I had none before all this.  Wonder why that is?

 

Shannon...

 

Glad that you have found a teenie bit of peace and that you feel a little better.  I think I was getting there a little myself...the old sobbing was coming back up and the questions of "Why?" were more prevalent.  Sometimes I still just put my head against the wall and cry and smack the wall and think this has to be a dream, and it can't be happening.  Four months today...and yet it still hasn't sunk in.  Sometimes I really feel like if I do something different it will be back to the way it was, and I can give him a call in the morning and wish him a good day.  And then the feeling goes away and I feel the loneliness hit.  I imagine that is your place too.  Wish I could give some words of wisdom, but don't have a whole lot yet.  I know that letting it out has been good for me...most times just by myself.  But it helps.  Sometimes I don't even realize I'm crying until I feel the tears roll down my cheeks, but it's a release that keeps me going.

 

Susan - Shannon's mom...

 

Shannon is beautiful.  First time I have seen her and you can see that sparkle with her dog.  It seems that all of our angels had that special empathy for animals.  I will post a picture of Brooks with his kitty.  Same kind of picture...holding a little pet close and sharing love.

 

 

Colleen...

 

Your words sing true...one minute...one breath...  I too need to look for that happiness, and know that I have found some over the last few days.  Thank you, Brooks...thank you, God!

 

Dee..

 

Your color post brought a smile to my face...sharing your gladness that Sherry had color by doing that is what makes you special.  I so missed your words of wisdom and love.  I will now just soak them up.  Thank you.

 

Lora...

 

I, too, am praying for Todd.  Seems like sometimes we're just struggling against wave after wave of difficulty.  Part of life I guess, but why us, when we have so much pain already.  Praying that God grants Todd all his grace and his recovery will be complete.

 

Susan...Kate...Laurie...Carol...Becky...Sherry...Dee...Shannon...Wanda...Debbie...Sandra...and all my Indigo journey partners...

 

Peace and Love to you...who have raised me up and helped me cope...Thank you!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....it is late...but I have absorbed every word....and every kind act...

of a Dad for his son...it is recorded and ingrained....more later...when I can respond in a kindred spirit...for which you so deserve...I am simply tired...but honored to know a Dad like you...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I think it's wonderful that you are sharing some of Brooks' things with his friends. I am not there yet. I am so very protective of Trista's things. I know I will get there and I know there are things each of her friends would like to have. I just can't do it yet. I loved your thoughts on saving some picture. I think I will do the same. 2014 coming hit me hard... the thought of no new memories this year. What you wrote about feeling that if you do a certain thing everything will go back to the way it was... I completely relate to that. There is the thought sometimes in the back of mind that if I do the right thing, say the right words, I can create the spell that will bring Trista back to me. Brooks, I know, is smiling on you and Renae for finding some happiness this holiday with Shauna and the kids, seeing those he loves together.

Colleen,

Thank you for the reminder that it truly is moment to moment right now but that this will soften in time.

Kate,

Thank you for the encouragement you give. My husband and family have been really great. I am very thankful for the support. There are still things they cannot completely understand and never will. It just is. And so, I am so very thankful to have all of you and this place. I'm so glad to hear that your sweet dog will be with you for a while still. Our animals are such a part of our families. A couple of years ago we had to make the choice to put Trista's dog, Britney, to sleep. She was a sweet boxer girl. Trista was only 5 when she came to us. We had her for 11 years which is a long life for a boxer. She was suffering though and in pain and we couldn't bare it. She was the sweetest dog. She never barked unless there was some perceived danger to me or the kids. She had been crate trained so even once she was trained and had the run of the house she still liked to sleep in her crate at night. After my first husband died she stopped sleeping in the crate and would sleep right across the threshold of my bedroom doorway. The kids slept with me too so that was her way to keep watch over all of us at night.

Dee,

I woke up this morning and your words helped so much. Thank you. I would love to read the poem you were talking about.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing with me. I am in that place now and I know I cannot push this I just need to rest. I love your vision of this 'place' if it were physical. I'm so thankful for all of you and know I need to be here. One thing I miss so much about my old house is my wood stove. For now, a cup of tea and a warm blanket will have to do.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing that quote. It was good for me to read that today too. Your words truly are soothing.

Lora,

I'm thinking some type of exercise routine would be good for me too. I was doing yoga but have slacked. With this weather Aiden and I are stuck in doors a lot and it's not good for either of us. I know about kicking and punching, I do it in my head too. A lot today. I'm keeping Todd in my prayers for healing and recovery. Things just hit out of nowhere and I'm sure it's taken it's toll on you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

Susan - Shannon's Mom,

I'm Shannon too. Your Shannon is just beautiful. Such a pretty smile. I understand, as we all do, the depth of this pain. I know the dark places it can take you. I just lost my Trista on June 1, 2013. It's been just over 7 months for me. I lost my Daughter and my best friend. She was 17 years old and her accident was just 20 days before her 18th birthday. This is such a hard thing. I'm glad you found your way back here.

Sherry,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad to see your post and that you have color! I still don't I got it to work one time and then nothing.

Becky,

How are you? I've been thinking of you.

It's late and I should be sleeping but I know sleep will be hard won tonight and so I made some tea and came here to the 'safe place'. It was such a hard, hard day. The EMS report came today along the emergency room records. It's not the first time I've had to see those words before but seeing the words that say she did not make it beside my Trista's name will always cut through my heart. Then answers too, the ones that I need, still hurt so much and then sometimes the answers just bring more questions. I'm angry because the actions of that truck driver delayed help getting to my Girl and it may not have changed the outcome but it might have and I will never know.

Then the newspaper came and the article was there and I saw red. I did okay for my part and the journalist did a nice job putting it together. I would post a link but it's not available online yet. The part that pushed me was the response of the county engineer. I didn't expect him to agree that the intersection is dangerous. I know better and I know he can't do that. What I also did not expect was the callous and unprofessional responses he made.

He was responding to a situation involving the death of a Child. He was responding to a petition put forth by another Child in an attempt to do something meaningful to honor her friend and the make things safer for others. I tried compassion. I tried to put myself in his shoes knowing that his hands are tied. I still cannot see how he could be so cold. Just a couple of examples... When asked his thoughts on Ashley's petition he stated, "It (the intersection) doesn't meet the warrants, period. I don't care if the whole county signs the petition. Nothing is changing." At another point he said, "There isn't anything more to be done. I can't drive people's cars for them". I know it's not a crime to be an insensitive jerk but it should be.

I know this is a very long post tonight. Hopefully now I will be able to get some sleep.

Wishing everyone sweet dreams of our Angels.

I wanted to post a 'pet picture' of Tris.

This is Trista with her kitty, Sailor. He is now a big fat cat.

[Susie_q512]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement, I had been doing so well in many respects, but I'm bi-polar and I'm thinking that had much to do with my decline. I don't even remember making a decision to leave this world, or gathering the items needed to do it. It just "happened". I was found at the cemetery, and ended up in ICU and then a psychiatric facility. I'm now medicated and receiving grief counseling. My husband and I have been separated for more than a year now, and I'm pursuing divorce, but he's being very mean and difficult. I had an apartment and was working full time, but all that was lost when I attempted to make my exist......I had also not eaten or slept for a week prior to that attempt, so I'm thinking that played a role in what happened to me as well. Anyway, I am a fighter, and I'm back up and swinging again.

My other daughter, Ragan, is doing well. I'm hopeful that we can rebuild our relationship......I feel as though I lost both my girls when Shannon left us, and Rae feels she lost her baby sister and her mom. As much as we love each other, it seems that we've both been lost and trying to find our way independently of each other....such is grief and this journey.

I'm aware that I need support on many levels, so I'm hoping to stay active in this group . No where else can I find such compassion, understanding and acceptance.

[Tbearw58]

 

Here I sit its almost 5am here in Oregon. I am thinking of all of you and the journney we are on and how helpless a felling it is. We do not have any control of when our lives and loved ones lives will end all we can do is love each other all the time. I personaly have had a very hard time excepting the fact that my son Nick will not come in the door and he is with god now I do not want it to be true. But it is and i have to move forward in my trip through this long road ahead. Nick was a great man I remember a time when I got i a accident and called home to let every one know I was ok he was worried so bad that he road 5 miles on his bike to see I was ok at the seen we had that type of father son conection. He was getting very good at pool playing we would go play all the time since he was 15 till the day before he was killed. It frustrated him that he was not able to beat me but after awhile he began to win the games we had a great time. The crying for me is still a daily thing and thats ok I just hurt so bad that he is gone and will for ever until we find each other in the after life with god. Love and prayers to all of you and i hope you find some comfort and direction in your lives as we go throught this horrific times in our lives. RIP and gods speed to all our lost love ones and my Nick

 

[Tbearw58]

Dear Nick

      

             I am writing this to you to say goodby. I am missing you. You left us so suddenly and without giving us a chance to say goodby. That night you went out the door saying youll be back but you never came. 3 hours before your accident you sent me a text telling me I am the best dad and friend and that you are ok for me not to worry and you will be safe 

I replied ok love you too and are we still going tomorrow you said ok. I was tracking your I phone that night to see where you were going you did not know it but I was worried about you because you were troubled with the break up of your long term relationship. When your progress stopped in a location that you dont normaly stop I was up and decided to drive that way and see why. I came apon the accident but did not see your car since it was behind the wall but I did see the parts all over the road and all the emergency vehicals came fast they all went to you and would not let me near. I stood there knowing it was very bad and a few minutes later and sheriif came and notified me you did not survive. My life was crushed that moment in time. I called your mom and then went and got her and came back. They were removing you from your car which was torn in half and very mangled. The medical examiners truck brought you to us out in the street that night and I made them bring you out and uncover you so your mom and I could see you and say good by. As I placed my hand on your heart I said I love you and will miss you why is this happening your mom said she loved you and goodby also. It looked like you would just wake up you did not look like you were dead. The next day you and I were supposed to take a trip to the beach and spend the night just to get away and spend some time together. I have been grieving since you have died I know you would be telling me that its ok dont beat you self up dad please try not to be sad its ok I am ok where i am. I am sorry if only it was that easy i would. So until you and I can meet again I hope you are with god  in heaven and at peace. I will always miss you and you will remain a piece of my sole for ever never to be forgoten Love you Nick  Dad

 

I needed to do this I hope its ok.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Tbearw58,

Of course. It's absolutely okay. This place of all places is where we can share our hearts, our grief, and our precious Children. It's okay for you to post absolutely anything you need to post. Your Nick is such a handsome young man and I feel honored that you have shared him with us. The way you write about him I can tell you had a deep father-son bond. I read about the night of the accident and in some ways it's similar to the night I lost my Trista. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Shannon

[SamDsmom]

Tbear,

Thank you for sharing Nick with us. I read your story. My heart goes out to you. You and your wife will be in my prayers. I share many things, thoughts and feelings here that I don't try to express to my family and friends any more because they don't and wouldn't understand.

I'm so Sorry that you had to come here, but glad you did and can share.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

I have to say that I have been particularly moved by the level and depth of feelings posted these past few days. An indication and proof of the level of bonding that occurs between people that have suffered such a devastating loss such as ours.

I believe it is wonderful to have this site to feel that we can come to...to find comfort and peace when we are so weary from our pain. I have to say that I admire each and every person that I have met. Those that I have had the honor to truly get to know. We come from many varied and different backgrounds. We all have other life issues. But we are connected by our knowledge of what it is really like to be in this position. Shannon and Susan, I am sorry that you hit that dark spot. But that was yesterday and it is past...today is another new day and a fresh new start. Anybody that tells us that this is easy needs a kick up the backside. So we don't pay attention to them. We focus on ourselves and our families. We need to rebuild our strength and life again. What parent is not left spinning when their child leaves us so unexpectedly? They are and were at the core of our existence. TBear...I believe that most people do their deepest thinking in the heart of the night. At that time when all else is silent but our hearts beating. Your letter was beautifully written. You clearly shared a very close bond with Nick. And from what you have told us he was there for you as well. He still is... but in another way. And you will see him again in time. Hold close to that fact. Try as hard as this is not to lose heart. Jan, how are you these past few days? Wade, this is a long journey that we are on. I'm glad that you are slowly taking one day at a time to deal with all of Brooks effects. The lights shining brightly must have pleased you so much last night. His soul shining brightly for his dad to see. It is going to take ages for Shauna to come to terms with his death as well. I am glad that you have a good relationship. Goodness, I forgot that I can do paragraphs. I was merrily typing along and just realized. Nuts! I woke up this morning to the yard full of deer tracks. By the looks of it there must have been an entire herd. They made a salad of one of my pyramid cedars. Oh, joy of joys. We did not have an opportunity to see the Northern Lights that they spoke of last night. It was clear and starry but no show for us. Too bad. Thinking of everyone and sending love your way. Kate

[SamDsmom]

tBear,

I also wanted to share with you that I found this sight out of desparation. I felt alone with my desperation and grief. I am not in the same situation, I don't have a job to go to where I am alone. I can't imagine what that would be like. I lost my Sam in September of last year. My husband was his step father. He is an over the road truck driver and I ride with him so we are together all the time. When Sam passed my family and friends were very supportive for about two weeks. Then they quit answering the phone, I got a lot of text messages telling me they were sorry.. too busy to talk but they were thinking about me. After about 3 weeks my husband told me I needed to stop crying all the time and focus more on the relationships I still had. He missed his wife. So I became angry.

I am still struggling to get out of bed and find a reason to make it through the day. But I have found saving grace here in this sight.

Again thank you for sharing your letter and story. It helps me feel like I'm not alone.

Your Nick must have been an awesome young man. It sounds like you had great relationship.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

TBear...and others....what I have discovered by me..for me....for as I have stated before...we will all grieve in our own unique way...just as our children were all unique....

    I wrote a 'good by' note to my John David....then I discovered...(once again..this is me)...I said a trillion 'good-byes'...and I have about a trillion to say....

   then I have a trillion memories....a trillion 'Oh yes' moments.....there will be a  trillion prayers of gratitude in my heart that I was blessed to have him.....and that part of each day...'I just want my boy back'.....

   As Dee has stated....the fact that we can live one day pass our child passing...it testament of our strength..our faith...our stamina...our courage...we are very brave. There are days though...I cannot brush a fly away....

   that is normal...

You were blessed with a loving heart...and it spilled over to him....what a partnership...and it is still intact...keep writing to him...open your heart....cry those tears...do whatever it takes to get you through this day....and then tomorrow...simply do the same. It is a day by day journey. I will tell you it is hard...there simply isn't anything easy about this grief...but...it is 'do-able'....keep posting and let us hear...on this site....we tell our child's story....our story....and we listen with our hearts.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I want to share something I've been researching over the past few days. There is a doctor, Dr. Allan L. Botkin, Psy.D, who has reportedly discovered a way to help people deal with grief through a technique called, induced after-death communication” or IADC. I found this searching for information on EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) which is a treatment for PTSD, which most of you know I have been diagnosed with. Dr. Botkin's technique employs the use of EMDR but in a different way than it is used for PTSD. I don't know a lot about this yet. I have read through the website and have just bought and started reading the book. The technique is endorsed by Dr. Raymond Moody who also wrote the foreword to the book.

The book takes a completely scientific stance. He just provides the evidence that this works regardless of a persons belief system.

From the website:

Consistent, robust clinical observations by a growing number of IADC® trained therapists across a broad variety of clients indicate that IADC® heals the deep sadness that is associated with death of a friend or loved one, and the results appear to hold up very well over time. Most people believe their experiential reconnection is real, but they do not have to believe in the authenticity of the experience to benefit from its profound healing effects.

I'm really interested in this and thought others might be too. Unfortunately, If I were to decide at some point to try this, it seems the closest practitioners to me are in Chicago, Dee's neck of the woods. Who knows, maybe I could combine it with a trip to see my husband's family in Kenosha and meet you, Dee, for a cup of coffee.

Here is a link to the website:

http://www.induced-adc.com/

and a link to the book on amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Induced-After-Death-Communication-Therapy-Healing/dp/1571744231/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312582628&sr=1-1

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....that 'guy'....is a total jerk....total...not one iota of empathy.....

and he has not walked 'in our shoes'.....but he does not have the final 'answer'

nor...does he have enough 'power' to say what can be done..what can't be done....

stay the course..

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I had to get off....I was referring to the county engineer in your posting....

that book sounds very, very interesting....

I do like the knowledge we all share here....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Tbear, thank you for sharing your letter about your precious son, it was beautiful. It is an honor to be able to read about your love for Nick. You shared about arriving on the scene and those emotions...my husband relieves Jesse's last moments too.

 

We pray for God's peace and that His angels held our loved ones close guarding them with their wings, to take them home to the Father of Lights. Keep sharing as you can about your son, we are here to listen.

 

Wade, how generous that you were able to share Brooks baseball items with his good friend.  I love the photo of Brooks and kitty, the kitty looks like she is smiling. I can see Jesse and Brooks having a chat in heaven about their kittys. It is good there are some dads on this site. So often I feel men are made to think they have to clam up on their emotions or something. I am glad to see you feel safe to share here...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, Shannon's mom, I am so sorry you reached that terrible low spot...please come here and share as you are able. I have always loved the picture of your sweet daughter, Shannon, holding her small dog close.

 

Without this "place" I would have been so much worse off. Like our southern Texas Susan has mentioned, I do not have those close in my life that have had a child loss and I needed to talk with those who understand this journey and who do not make assumptions that one just moves on. We always carry this loss, but as Dee and others have said, it gets softer. Holding you before the Father...

 

Debbie, hoping you can take some self-care. You have been running so hard since Sam passed and so many unrealistic expectations placed on you with very little understanding.

 

Becky, thinking of you today. Sending prayers for healing and comfort today.

 

Shannon, I plan on looking up the book you linked to. I have known of someone who went to a special prayer counsellor and said she was granted a "vision" of her deceased parents in heaven. This person is well grounded and I would not have expected this from her.

 

Another mom who I knew who lost her 34 year son slightly over a year before Jesse said that her son came to her grandfather in spirit form before moving on to his new home. She too was unaware of these type of happenings could occur spontaneously as I was. The grandfather was not even aware that his grandson was deceased in this "visit" until later. This mom called me all day on the day Jesse died to tell me this.

 

Also, your highway engineer needs a big kick in the pants. That was totally uncalled for what he said.

 

Had did your patchwork peom a while back as an image, here is the link

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/gallery/image/1900-patchwork-bag-by-shannon-tristas-mom/

 

************************************

 

Waiting to find out when the next hearing is. We have some friends that are going to be with us.

 

Here are some pictures of my Grandson Benton; my adopted son (Benton's dad), Thomas; with his other daughter, Jennifer. I think it probably would have been worse for this year if not for Benton. For those who asked, Benton's mom isn't involved in anything other than just being totally self-centered and wanting a "single woman's" life. Ironically, the mom's great uncle is a pentacostal preacher in this town. When the mom asked if they could help with Benton he and his wife said they too busy to provide any help. They are retired...hmmm....

 

Thinking of you all today. May post more later...

[briansdad]

For all the times the world tries to crush a persons heart, once in a while something comes along to inflate it.

 

Brian's younger brother Rob told me today that he and his wife are expecting their second child.

 

For these little victories I take a minute, thank God and smile.

 

Take care all my old friends here, and to the new people I'm sorry you have to be here but this place was a God send to me in the dark early days of my grief. I hope you find it the same.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....you mentioned that 'you don't even know the person looking back at you in the mirror'...

and that seems to be another 'common ground' occurrence with parents...I have stated that I know I am changed....I am changing...and I really don't know what I will 'be'.....I am in a 'free fall' state now....

how can we not change ?

   Laurie...I guess I missed a posting...I thought you only had the younger daughter..and your sister's son...(is that him)...how is your son taking everything in...and having to deal with all the change in his home and life ? It is amazing what other issues some families have to deal with besides the grief...and somehow...get the stamina to stay the course.

   I think that is a good looking little fella....and sister....it can be a double edged sword....one side we count the losses....the other side the blessings...

   I sometimes sit and 'wonder' on the timing of it all....we lost our John David...and then...we had this 'miracle' baby on the way....I am not going into all the 'medical facts' but....in our family...he is a 'miracle boy'.....our Wyatt John...

    I had a tubal ligation after Jesse was born....I was single for a few years...met and married Daniel...we got custody of his two son's from a previous marriage....so...we had Randa, John David, Jesse, Aaron and Jason.....then in 1983....I got pregnant...my Dr. said...'God just wants you to have another baby'.....I had a C-section...and my tubes had grown completely back...now...I am not the only one...that has happened to....but we do call him our 'miracle baby'...our Jeremy.....Daniel's favorite saying was...'The reason we have six kids...is because we don't want 7".....

   how many times I wish I could live close by to Wyatt John....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie...I guess I missed a posting...I thought you only had the younger daughter..and your sister's son...(is that him)...how is your son taking everything in...and having to deal with all the change in his home and life ? It is amazing what other issues some families have to deal with besides the grief...and somehow...get the stamina to stay the course.

I think that is a good looking little fella....and sister....it can be a double edged sword....one side we count the losses....the other side the blessings...

Christina is Jesse's younger sister, now age 27, Thomas, who I refer to as my youngest son now age25, is actually my older sisters son who we adopted as his birth, so even though he is by blood my nephew, we have always refered to him as a son in our family...Thomas was born about a year after my natural born infant son, Taylor died...

 

Liked your story about Jeremy...and Daniel's comment...that is a miracle...

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanks Laurie... I am sure you posted all that sometime ago...forgive my 'foggy mind'....I use to be a little more astute....of course, he is your son....'Love makes everything real'...Velveteen Rabbit..

 

and the timing...you lost your infant son....and then that boy came in your life...you lost Jesse...and another boy is in your life....now we have Wyatt John.....maybe He is working to keep our hands busy and our hearts beating....

  how is your husband doing ? I am glad you have friends to go to the meeting with you...keep us posted...you know we will be there 'in spirit' with you...

 

Becky....we all hope to hear from you....if you are resting and healing...then just know we are thinking of you...

 

Debbie....you wrap a blanket around yourself every chance you get...you need a layer of comfort for all that the situations around you have been....have you heard from your daughter ?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing your pictures today... such a beautiful family. I just love the picture of Benton with the sock - too cute! Thank you for sharing the stories shared with you of the 'vision' and the visit to the grandfather. I like to hear stories like that because it reinforces what I already believe. And yes, I would love to be the one to kick the engineer in the pants.

Susan,

I love the story of why Jeremy is a 'miracle baby' and Daniel's saying of why you have 6 kids. I was scheduled to have a tubaligation after Zak was born by C-section. My doctor didn't think I should have another surgery and said I wouldn't ever be able to not have a C-section. I cancelled it at the last minute. I told myself it's because between my first husband and I, we had 3 Girls and we really wanted a boy. Because of Zak's position the doctor couldn't tell if he was a boy or girl. So, I cancelled it. If I hadn't Aiden would not have been born. If I had known Zak would be a boy I would have gone through with it. Sometimes things just work the way they're supposed to, I think.

Thinking about this reminded me of how Trista wanted so much to name Zak "Dylan Pickles" so we could call him Dil Pickles. She loved the cartoon The Rugrats and the name came from that. Zak is forever grateful that I did not take her suggestion.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

Thank you so much for doing the image of my poem. I'm glad too that you will have friends to go to hearing with you. Let us know.

[Guest]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello to Becky, saw you were logged in..

[SamDsmom]

Susan,

Thanks for thinking of me and asking about my daughter. Haven't heard from her directly but she did call her sister and let her know she is somewhere in Texas with a man she met somewhere that no one knows. I tried to set firm loving boundaries with her the last time I saw her, but it's hard to reason with someone who is strung out. It's like she is possessed and my sweet beautiful big hearted girl is no where to be found. I believe she has some brain damage now from the types of drugs she has been doing. Before we left for this job, she has lived with us, she had been living with her dad after Sam died and her sisters have tried to help, but she steals, lies and has no respect for anyone or anything but the drugs. I have really tried to make peace with the situation as much as I can. I pray daily that the good Lord will scoop her up and give us back or girl.

Thanks for listening.

[mybeautifulgirl]

Susan, your daughter looks radiant. What a beautiful photo. I guess you treasure it!

I wish you well in your grief journey. We all know how difficult it is. We have to learn to live with it and we don't like this feeling of continual sadness.

Others put pressure on you to be back to normal and this adds more pressure because we want our old life back and we can't have it back .For me it is a feeling of out of control and hopelessness. This is how I feel. No one  really understands our pain unless they have experienced a similar loss.

I am better when I am busy, but it doesn't stop the tears that come out of the blue. Shopping is my worse nightmare. I see things that Meagan would love and then I go to pieces!

Every one here is your friend and non judgemental . We share our journey and knowing this we are not alone.

Jan

 

 

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

 

Well what do you know, I can now do paragraphs too.   Thank you to who ever made this possible.   You can tell you are in Indiana when you can have -12 degrees with wind chills of 35 below 0 and a few days later be 38 degrees and rain.   It is 10:00 pm and the rain is expected to continue through the night.  With the large piles of snow everywhere, and the rain, there will undoubtedly be some flooding.      I am thinking of all of you and wishing you a restful night.

 

Sandy( It is amazing that a little thing like paragraphs can make a grown lady happy.:-)

[mybeautifulgirl]

We have 104F all this week so enjoy the coolness while I swelter!

[ericasmom]

Hey You All,

I could not get in today on my school computer, could yesterday but not today. Oh well, I just finished reading, goodness, a busy day here.

 

Shannon, you come and have that cup of coffee with me if you go to Kenosha. We can have Sandy meet us here in Chicago and maybe Lora will be visiting Chi-town at the same time...we can hang out. Laurie and Colleen are close as well. I make some good strong coffee you know.

I do know a bit about EMDR, my therapist and I spoke about it and she knows someone around here that she trusts with it.

 

Susan, I am glad that you are building on your relationship with your Daughter and that as sad as divorce is, it will be so much better to not be in the same place with someone who is mean. You certainly don't need mean.

 

TBEAR, thanks for sharing your Son's story and your heart with us. So much ache, so much to mourn. I am sorry but I am also glad that you found us here, just share whatever stories you want and don't be worried about individual responses right now. You will come to know us but right now, we are absorbing your stories so that we can carry them with us. The more people we share our hearts with, the more people that help carry our Beloved with them.

 

Wade, so glad that sharing some artifacts from your  Sweet Son is helping you to feel good and obviously helping his friends feel better, just having that tangible thing, that touchstone. We did that too, we put out things of Eri's; clothing, pottery, lamps, things that she loved and let the good buddies just come in and choose what they wanted, what would give them the most connection.

 

Love all the stories today, I am beat tired though so I must go to sleep. Fridays are like that for me.

[Steve s mom]

I don't know about the induced adc therapy I have had what I consider adc with my son and spoke to him via a psychic also it made me feel better for a little while but did not make any lasting change

[ericasmom]

A Poem I wrote a few years ago;

 

Mining for treasures


A sleepless night,
I become a miner for sleep, searching for the right spot,
the right position, the right dream,
but keep coming up empty
so I decide to get up and try to string my words together
like semi-precious stones;

Citrine and green amber,
jade and carnelian,
capturing the absolute essence of the moments that created their color
their luster.
Circumstance under the earth-
metamorphic mysteries changing one thing into another through heat and pressure.
Heat and pressure, like grief and joy-
that which causes humans to morph,

those moments that caused us to change from one person into another.

 

by dee
 

[Mermaid Tears]

As always...I love the gift...but more the giver......

thank you for that poem, Dee...

[wgreenlee]

Susan…Shannon’s mom

 

To be very honest, Susan, I also have had those thoughts and still do.  I don’t think I’ve ever been really serious, but who knows when our grief just gets to be too much.  I will never judge you, and will only offer my support.  Anytime…anywhere…  This is so hard, but we can get through it together.  I am glad you will use us to help you.  That is a good step.  And that step also helps us… For myself, knowing that grief can get so debilitating also helps me to just keep placing one step in front of the other.  I hope and pray that your steps will also move forward…even if a little bit at a time.

 

Tbearw58…

 

Your words are mine…your thoughts are mine…your feelings are mine…every hour of every day.  I am also unashamed of my tears.  It is ok.  A picture…a memory…thoughts of things that could have been…all of them bring tears to my eyes and usually a yell.  Even today at Brooks’ site I just let out a big ol’ yell.  Even though I feel myself moving forward a little bit at a time…I just still can’t grasp the enormity of what’s happened.  I feel like a person in a movie I saw one time that will do or try anything to get my son back…some science or invention that could bridge the gap between the living and dead…and here I am a very logical, sensible person.  After all this I don’t feel so strong any more, but the support I get here keeps me going, and I pray will do the same for you.

 

I always talk to my son here.  He was my only child and speaking to him here keeps him alive for me.  Being able to call him son helps me stay sane, because I feel like I’m not a dad anymore and don’t have much to look forward to.  HIs birthday is the same as mine and I grieve for that.  I will never again get a true Father’s Day card…or have grandchildren…or see my child reach those milestones that make us all so proud.  So I will continue to help my son live his life here, and everyone on this site now know my son, as well.  They know…so keep talking to Nick and I will read every word and smile at every picture.  Your son will never be forgotten.

 

Shannon…

 

Always thinking of you and beautiful Trista.  And the boys too, of course.  I hope you had a good day and the weekend brings some smiles your way.  Thank you for that link on IADC therapy.  There are many other links too that provide info if you Google it.  One link brings takes you through the process.  There is also a link with a video of the therapy.  I am going to investigate it further.

 

Rugrats…Brooks and I watched that all the time…The Pickles family…so cute.  I keep Nickelodean on my channels because sometimes I just need to watch something that we watched together.  Power Rangers…Spongebob…Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… Another smile on my face.  Thank you!

 

Debbie…

 

I also share thoughts and emotions on here that I don’t let out anywhere else.  Even with Renea.  I want to be strong for her, and sometimes we just end up making each other so sad that it’s easier to release my emotions here.  I don’t know if “safer” is the right word, but I’m trying to stay on an even keel now, and I feel better when I come to this site.  I’m glad that you are finding some saving grace here.  I second that!

 

Praying for your daughter to see the light.

 

Kate…

 

Your thoughts of me always make my day better.  It’s funny how little things like those lights can “brighten” a day that might otherwise go atilt.  Going back tonight to check it out again…was there earlier right after school, but I like the peace of night best.  And its in the 40s now so it’s not so bad…just think, that’s about 70 degrees warmer than just a week or so ago in MN.  Hope you are getting out of the chill a little.  There were a couple of deer walking by the Governor’s mansion on my home from school.  The mansion is only a few blocks from my school.  I used to just ignore them…now I stop and stare and think how beautiful God made them.  My mind now yearns for sights like those.

 

Susan…

 

A trillion times to say “good morning”… a trillion times to say “I love you”…oh, how I wish I could just have ONE more time to say those things…just one more.  Even though we were never shy about our love for each other, I now wish I would have told Brooks even more that I loved him…and how proud of him I was…and how I was looking forward to seeing him grow… But it will be ok…I know that I can share him with all of you, just as you can share your precious children with me, and I will hold them close to my heart just like my own son.

 

Velveteen Rabbit…I still have many of those old books from when Brooks was younger.  Another smile on my face today…thank you!

 

Laurie…

 

It was “uplifting” to share his stuff…sad at the same time, though.  I had to tell myself I wasn’t forgetting him many times…felt a little like it at first, but then after getting the other requests I knew it was something that would help me, and hopefully others too…plus it will keep Brooks memory alive.  This might sound weird, but since our birthdays are the same, I thought  at first that I would dread it so much…still probably will…but I know that I will get the best present ever, besides my son being born that day, of course, when all of you remember my boy that day with your thoughts and words.  I think a lot of our children and their pets…and how they love and cared for them.  They are so much alike, our kids.  And that’s one of the things that I think connects us too.  And you are so right about this place…I don’t know where I would be on this journey without all of you…Truly you saved me from a far worse journey.

 

Briansdad…

 

Congrats!  What wonderful news.  You are so right that there are good things out there…we just need to look for them.  And your son, Rob, having a baby makes me smile as well, even though we have never met.  I now look for those things on this site.

 

Lora…

 

Shauna still has “Baby.”  I thought of asking for her, but like you said, don’t want to make things “messy.”  Makes me a little sad to think of her sometimes.  She would only come to Brooks.  One time Brooks brought her to our house and she just stayed in the closet and would only come to Brooks.  I wonder how Baby is doing?  Never would have had those emotions before.  We sure are changed, huh?  I hope that I am a better person at the end of this journey…although I guess the journey will never end.

 

Jan…

 

We all do understand and even though our journey is so tough, we can take comfort that others will lift us up when we are near to the ground.  I so wish that we could have all met with all of our children on a cruise…or park…ballgame…  That would have been such a beautiful memory.  Now we will share our children from our past memories, and for me, I will say Meagan’s name aloud in my prayers.  I like to think of all of them together, just like it could have been.  They are all so alike…so special.  We all are here for the same reason…maybe God gave us each other knowing how much we needed this place.  I believe with all my faith that there is a Heaven, and I pray every day that I will see my son with all of his new friends, and that I say “I have heard so many wonderful things about all of you…so glad to finally meet you.”

 

Sandy…

 

So glad the computer is working for you   I just left that cold in MN and am so glad to be back in NV.  It’s about 50 today but snow in the forecast.  I hope it warms up for you.  That cold didn’t make me any happier…I am looking forward to spring.  And you are right about the little things…I look for them so much now.  Tonight reading everyone’s posts I have found some.  Thank you!

 

Dee…

 

Oh, how I know those Fridays…my best buddy, the fishing guy and next door teacher colleague, got a new job with the district in a 1-to-1 rollout of laptops for all of our kids.  I am happy for him, but sad at the same time.  Now, I’m surrounded by all “girls”.   He came over tonight and needed some techy help so it was good to talk with him.  How our lives change?  Another time and it wouldn’t have mattered so much…but now I feel another loss and it is hard even though I don’t want to admit it.  Even some of my other teacher friends have come to me to see if I’m ok with all of it.  Thank you, God, for good friends!!!  Enjoy the weekend…and get refreshed.

 

I will be looking through some more of Brooks’ things.  Kinda want to…kinda don’t…I want to save some memories for later so maybe just a little looking.  Thank you, Dee, for always thinking of me.  And what a beautiful poem!  We are all morphed into something different, yet the same to others…only we know what we are becoming.  I pray I will become something better.  Please Brooks help me in that!!!

 

To you, my son...

 

Four months now...but it could have been yesterday.  I sit here talking with my new friends, just as I know you are talking with your's.  I know it's all good for you...but I am still sad.  I won't say I want you back...you know how much I wanted you to stay, especially when I knew you needed me.  But I let you go then, and you made it ok, so I will be ok with this...just not now.  Even though it's been a good day, I can't stop crying for you.  My new glasses are getting all spotted...you would have like them.  My students all said they looked cool.  I miss even these little moments when we would share something so trivial.  We did that lots, huh?  We had a good relationship and I will be forever grateful for that.  I know I told you that I was giving some of your stuff away, and I also know you would be ok with that.  You were always so unselfish.  Sometimes I would get frustrated that you were so giving, but now I am so proud of that in you.  And so many of your friends still mention that.  Chad and Ronni miss you.  He's getting a place up in Tahoe and wishes you could see it.  Your place is all lit up...looks so good.  Can you see it?  Do you see me there every day?  I ask God to let you see me...and I look up all the time to see something of you.  I miss you so much... I found some new pictures of you that I am saving just for mom and me.  We aren't going to look all at once, cuz I want some of you to look forward to...my only new memories that I will keep so close.  Be good, buddy, and I pray you are singing every day.  Mom talked with Grandma about you a lot in MN.  She wanted so much to know how you were doing and what it was like where you were at... I couldn't help her.  I want to know too.  We had a special bond, but so did you and mom.  She loves you so much...  We will be ok... I love you, Brookster!

 

[Tbearw58]

Thank you all for your loving replies. I can feel you and I know the pain we all share. Friends and family don't know and have moved on in less then 2 months since Nick was killed. They just don't feel it like I do and thats ok it was not thier son Nick is my son and always will be. I also posted the letter on my facebook page and got a few good replies one was from a friend of mine she lost her son 20 years ago to a heart attack he was 27 so she knows and has been my best go to for close support. Other then that it was met with only likes and no coments. I hate likes it does not say how you truely feel I think if you like a friends post tell them why dont just push the like button its not good enough its just being lazy i think. I know if we trust in god and have the help of people like all of you in this group we can survive this long dark journy we are on together thank you for being there all my prayers and love Ted, Nicks Dad forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....many here will relate when it comes to 'sharing' those 'things' ....our child wore...touched..put on the wall...carried...embraced....

I, too, had to hurdle that high wall...and many of John David's friends wanted photos....and I printed many to mail and share...it is a good thing....and I know they have a grief for that friend.

    So many times when I am really in that deep sadness....on my knees....I have to say..'it's ok John David...I know you would not have left me unless you had to'....

    in some strange way...I seem to think I have to let him know that I am ok...and for him not to feel guilty...

     the other strange thinking comes from the 'Big Why'.....

Why my boy? Why not the evil ones?

Why Me ? I dotted all the 'i's'...crossed all the 't's'....I followed the laws of society...and the Commandments...etc....

There is nothing abnormal in that kind of 'thinking'....but it can tangle me up...and I will have to put it on the back burner. I do know...there is no simple answers to some questions....and there are some questions that will never be answered....in this life. That is when I have to reach deep and come up with Faith...just the size of a mustard seed...that is all I need to carry on.

    I am going to post one of the many of the photos that his friends have requested the most...he had so many with his friends...I finally had to go to Walmart for them to print them...too many for my printer in my office....but it made my heart so happy that so many wanted them...

 

 

My children have been so blessed in that their 'young and teen-age' friendships have lasted for years...anyway...these guys in this photo and John David stayed very close and in touch...priceless...