Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For daveydow1- My God, how are you doing this a second time???? I hope it is in knowing that both of your babies are together, and that one day you will DEFINATELY be together again. We all will be, and I am staying when I get there-No coming back for this chick!!! They say that it is a man's world, but always remember, behind every good man....Stands a great woman!! With all of these kind posts to me regarding Dean, it really makes me so proud of our guys here at Beyond Indigo that have reached out for help in their hour of need- And, they are all so sad for their wives!!! There ARE some men in this arena, that are really sensitive not only to their own grief, but the grief of their loved ones as well. My M.O. with Dean has always been to just let it slide, and trust me, it really has worked well- Neither one of us are into arguing and non confrontational people!! We have always let a disagreement slide, and this loss has just been really hard- We have no tools here- But, who does? This grief has just taken over our household, even though I am feeling stronger- The marriage, too, has suffered a tremendous loss, obviously. There are many people, many relationships, many personalities, many ages, and what has life done with our Danny??!! He worked magic on all of the above!!! He was a genius when it came to people skills....And, all of the people in his life, really miss him!!! We will all just keep plugging along and wait for the day that we are all together again- I hope, however, that WE all get to meet here first!!! Where would be a fun place to have a beyond Indigo party?? xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- For a laugh, Danny's miracles have appeared right under Dean's nose, have hit him in the face, if you will , and I have been right there to see it-!!! His face has been worth a million dollars, as he is not what you would call a real believer of a heaven as such- He is one who believes in what he "sees" and he has not visited Heaven yet to be able to talk about it... So, having said that, I do believe that Danny will "gently" hit him in the face and will "quietly" make him a believer, putting his humor on it, as Dean goes along and as Danny always did!! Danny was, and still is a PRANKSTER!! He has them all laughing out loud , as they zoom around here, there and everywhere!! xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Peggy}}}

First, I just want to say that you don't need to do anything for anyone but yourself right now. You need support right now, and I'm sure every one here understands well what you are going through. Sometime, in the future, when you are stronger, you will be the one helping another one along this path, but right now, you need to find your way with our guidance.

You are right that the worst times are different for each of us, but I think it is reasonable to say that there are more worst times in the first year and then the next few that follow. When reality hits you is also different for every person, and triggered by something different for every person. My son, Michael, crossed over in May and by New Year's Eve, as I was standing outside looking at the stars, I realized that he really wasn't coming home to me. I sobbed to my husband, "He's gone. He isn't coming back," as if it were the first time I had said it. Perhaps it was.

And, yes, reality brings with it its own kind of shock and pain. And it's natural to want to retreat to the numb stages, but that is not the path to healing. You have to find your "new normal" as you learn to adjust and adapt to life with your loss. There is nothing easy about the process, and the stages of grief come and go like waves for years, sometimes forever. But in time, you do find healing and strengthening.

The guilt and regrets you are feeling are so very natural too. If I could have... If I only I would have... those kinds of thoughts repeat over and over in our minds. For whatever reason, unbeknown to us, we couldn't have and we didn't. But none of those could haves and would haves or should haves wipe away the love and care we have provided to our children throughout their earthly lives. Nor does it alter the truth that each of our children know, which is that their parents love them still with all of their hearts, and will eternally love them.

Amelia knew that. She knew that you loved her. She heard your words, and she felt the love and security emanating from you. As her mother, you surrounded her with a constant hug that followed her everywhere she went. I'm sure that Amelia took your hugs with her, and will shower you with angelic blessings for all of the love you gave to her and continue to give to her as you weep for her absence.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for peace and comfort. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Remember to keep up your nutrition, exercise, and vitamin supplements too. I can't emphasize enough how important that is in helping you through this extremely stressful process. It's important for all of us to do this.

I lit a candle for you this evening and I'm praying for you~

Love & Light,

Rose

[Artina]

Ameliasmom,

When I was reading your post, I was taken back about four years. As I mentioned before, my son crossed over almost four years ago come Jan 4. He was 19 years old. I was taken back by your post, because you mentioned how you would go on, and on, and on, every time your daughter left the house- don't drink and drive, don't talk on the cell phone, don't speed, wear your seat belt, etc... but the night your daughter crossed over, you said, you didn't say anything except, "I love you". I did the exact same thing the day that my son crossed over... the day he left to go snow mobiling. I too always made sure that I covered every detail that could go wrong. I too didn't like the idea of him snow mobiling, yet I woke him up that morning to keep him on schedule (which is a strange behavior on my part, because that is not an activity that I would have been comfortable with him doing). I still shake my head and wonder WHY did I let him go... why did I wake him up... why did I only say "I love you" (I'm glad I said that though, but???). I still wonder??? How could someone cross their "T's" and dot their "I's" everyday, except for that one day, and not get a second chance???

Anyway, I just want to let you know that I did work through a lot of those questions that I had in the beginning of my grief and have made peace with my decisions. I know I didn't make one decision the day that my son crossed over, with the intention, or acceptance, that my son was going to cross over. This realization took some time and a lot of support from some very good friends.

I have been part of the Beyond Indigo group for over three years and I can tell you that it is very helpful to talk to parents who have lost a child. We are all at different stages in our grief and will offer different tools... take what works and leave what does not. Your grief is unique to you and your situation and you should do what works for you and only you.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,OMG,I did the same thing,i was always worried about Nate whenever he left to go out,which wasn't very often,and the night of his birthday i did not have one bad feeling about it,and i even gave him the ride becase i knew he was determined to go out,and i felt bad because we had been going through a lot,my husband had been dx with cancer and just had hugh surgery,my grandmother had passed away on jan.16th ,then our puppy fell through the ice that day and couldn't be saved,so when his friend Rose called to invite him down where she worked,which was a little neighborhood bar ,i fiqured what could happen,she lived a stone's throw from the bar,so Nate was going to stay there. We had a really nice talk on the way there,and Nate explained what happened to the puppy,and i reinsured him it wasn't his fault,puppies are quick and it really could of happened to anyone,i told him be careful,and that i loved him,then left to drive home,never thinking he would leave that bar with someone he didn't know or that he would be alone and not with friends.When the police came the next morning i even said"NO,It's not Nate,he is with Rose,then i described what he was wearing,and then i hear the words every parent fears,"Sorry Mrs B,All i remember after that is the feeling that i couldn't breath,i just kept saying "I can't breath" and It's his birthday!That poor kid waited forever to turn 21,and then this,all his friends were calling to wish him happy birthday.OMG it was awful,that whole day is a blur.Isee your angel date is Jan 4th,you will be in my thoughts and prayers these days ahead....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Artina- I have missed you, I have been worried about you, and I am so happy to see you again... I love you, and we will gently carry you through January 4th... xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- Can I help at all in saying that the angels carried Nate to his puppy?? This is me, talking to you, and with all that we have both endured, PARTICULARLY you, a puppy falling through ice is just another one of life's cruelties... I am SOOOOOOO not a negative person, but I am such a puppy dog lover and I just gasped in reading your post tonight- This was just too much for anyone to endure- On top of your sweet husband being dx with cancer!!! As baffled as some may be in my asking this, but I do wonder if somehow you have gathered enough whatever it is that we often hope for, to find another puppy for you and your hubby, to help you during these OH SO COLD NIGHTS??? I hope so, and if not- I understand- I just can't help but hear and feel this "Hapiness is a warm puppy" in my heart, as if our boys are together right now, encouraging me to say this to you.... My Danny uses me as his messenger, and he really helps me in helping others, and I do speak very freely. My Liana, Danny's girlfriend, the sweet one who made me the quilt from his clothes, said to me the other night "Betsy, where did you get this ability to write like you do-?'- My reply was "It is all from Danny leaving- It is as if he talks to me in a different way, and I just ramble on, and it comforts people. I see you with a puppy- If not yet, Kathy, perhaps in time a little furry long haired Doxie like my Rosie- I have 4 of them as you know, and she is just a different breed, if you will- She is the most INCREDIBLE little creature... I love you and I just had to share all of this with you- It was all heaven sent!! And, brought CLEARLY to my heart is now this "My Danny is now forever in his land of make believe come true..." Know that it is because he is surrounded by all of his new friends!! xoxomamabets

[christysmom]

Ameiliasmom, Yes, Christy was killed this year. She turned 32 on Sept 15th. We celebrated her birthday on October 22nd so that the whole family could be there. That was the last time I saw her. I last spoke to her on Nov 10th (the day before the accident). We talked about our Thanksgiving plans and about her baby's second birthday party which was to be on Nov 19th.

Most of the time I am in denial. When I face the truth it's almost unbearable. I have a small trunk that I put every photo, video, every letter, greeting card and all those things she made for me when she was a child. I take it with me everywhere I go to safeguard that I won't lose all that is left on this earth of my beautiful daughter. Every day, I go onto the internet and search on her name. I don't know what I'm looking for but I never stop looking. I can't stop looking . . .

[briansdad]

Tina,

I read in your post about your son not getting a second chance.I've often wondered about that myself.Why Brian didn't get a second chance.I got more than one chance in some of the dangerous things I've done in the past.Why me, and not my son. I think about that a lot.What is it that I have left to do here on earth.Why was he finished here at only 24.When I read all these posts I see a common thread with many of them. 20 or 30 seconds would have made all the difference.20 or 30 seconds either way and our kids would still be here.

I guess people in our situations are left with many questions that can't be answered.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Amelia's mom, I have just returned from spending Christmas in Denver with my nephew. My daughter was killed in a car accident Nov. 17, 2004. She was 26. Last Christmas was spent in shock but I put up a small tree on a table because April loved Christmas. This year our whole family wanted to leave California for a ski/boarding adventure. Before leaving I tried to get out the Christmas boxes but had a hard time. I woke up one morning before leaving and my foreign exchange student had decorated the whole house......it looked beautiful but all the memories came flooding back. You asked when it will become real; for me it never will. April loved to travel - I keep thinking she is just away and will be coming home someday; or I will go to her. It's the only way I can survive. Maybe you could look at her website, it's on my profile info. Take Care, the people hear are WONDERFUL and comforting.

Hello Brian's dad Yes, in our 20's I don't think I had even begun to live my life. Did our kids have a way of squeaking out the very best in everything for 20 something years that others can't? Everyone tells me that April DID!! On her buletin board at work (in her hand writing) was a strip of paper that read, "A person can live a hundred years without ever really living a minute". She had drawn a red heart at the end of the sentence and outlined it in black - it's folded inside my bible now. Were our kids really done with their work here? He took kids who were well loved by many many people. Maybe He took our kids to let others know that they need to turn to HIM. Would it make a less significant impact if He took kids that nobody cared about? Oh, those seconds, I talked to April 11 minutes before the 911 call went in. The police said a few seconds and the accident never would have happened. GEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZ

Take Care, Renee

[mamabets]

For All- I want to share something with all of you- I had a telephone conversation with my mom last night, and throughout our tears, memories and what not, I found myself, as I often do, saying things that come from somewhere within me, not sure where- I said to her "You know, Mom, as many times as Danny and I would talk during the day and night, I never knew exactly where he was ... I now know where he is all the time"- I truly believe this, because he has shown me a way, his way, in this place that is safe. Can any of you relate to this? I feel as if all of our angels are far removed from the ravages of this place called earth- With all of it's blessings, and I am finding that I am enjoying mine once again, more and more with each passing day, there is an element of uncertainty that becomes a part of who you are once you are able to walk and talk- I am certain, that Danny is certain, that he is free at last from anything that even comes close to a feeling of uncertainty. As I have been quoted as saying before, this is total role reversal here- It is now Danny's way, not mine... I love you all- Am anxious to hear some feedback on these feelings that I have- They feel "OH SO RIGHT" somehow and I hope that I am not alone with this one!!! With all of my sadness, these feelings seem to remain constant... xoxomamabets

[rhonda68]

Hello I was just reading the posts and I too always ask myself why him why not me and if he would have been 20 seconds earlier or later he would have missed hitting that semi. He was only 19 for Gods sakes he had alot of living left to do! This has almost driven me to my grave so it should have been me I feel like i am dead but I still have to live and its a horrible feeling. I have never felt so crazy in my whole life. Also in posts you mentioned that you never worried the night they died that was the same as me I always use to worry when he was out but that night I never thought a thing the night before I told him I loved him and the next night at midnight he was killed and I got the horrible phone call at 4 am. I also felt like things were going really good and he was starting to show alot of responsibility so why when things were bad and I worried my head off nothing happened and then when things are going good this happens I really feel that I have been robbed there was alot I wanted to do with Richard yet and his brother and I really need him and I am so angry. I dont know what I am going to do I just feel like throwing in the towel I am so angry and confused I cant even think straight and I have no idea how to make myself feel better as I have tried everything. Sorry for going on and on!

Love,

Richards Mom

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- I feel your pain, and it is a place that is so familiar. I know that at any waking minute, I am always one step away from this all encompassing agony. I will promise you this- It doesn't always stay this bad, this steady state of excrutiating pain. At least for me, as soon as so many months had passed, and it was definately getting worse by the day, something happened, and I can finally say that I have just recently, once again, known what it is like to feel somewhat alive once more. I can not go so far as to say that I "like" this world that we have all been "tossed" into, but I am starting to put more and more time together where I feel like a part of me is not dead with the rest of me. And, that part of me feels for my family members that need me to survive this- Nothing more from me but to survive, because they have, and they need me to not die WITH this. My dogs need me too. Nothing is worse than losing a child, nothing ever has been, nothing ever will be- But I have learned that it is not just a shattered heart- It becomes a shattered everything- Yet somehow the majority of us do journey on. The majority of parents, I would like to think, continue to live in a world, in spite of wanting to die while doing so. I have felt no "obligation" to anyone, to survive this- I have not known how to do "my life", which include many lives, since this has happened- The loss has been too huge, the pain surrounding it has been too unbearable, and the tools needed are nowhere to be found. For all of the books written from needed statistics and raw experience, there is but one child when it is yours, and no one can compare their loss to anothers. The only common thread that I continue to carry with me in this blanket of mine, is that there is a sense of survival, and there is a community here among us that really holds hope for each other. That is enough hope for me to continue on, because I know that I am needed to bring the messages that have simply been shown to me, to all of you. I know, first hand, the gut wrenching agony of being the mother of a child that is no longer here in my life, as I have always, it seems, known it to be. The rest has a way of working itself out- "Life" does go on, with or without me participating in it. So, when and where I can share some of these "tools of knowledge" with those that are EXACTLY where I have been, and will be again, I will. You are brave, you are a wonderful mother still, and you are loved. xoxomamabets

[maskott]

This morning, my daughter just heard that a boy she has known since kindergarten was killed in a car accident. This will be the 4th funeral home we will have been in since Matthew died 4 months ago. When does it stop.

BettyAnn

[rmcaggiano]

...............

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to everyone:

We did all make it through Christmas, however once again the reality of not having my Nicholas was as painful still, I watched my two daughters (Samantha and Morgan) and my grandson (Gunner) open his presents and stocking stuffers. I could't help but cry. My youngest daughter Morgan wrote the most BEAUTIFUL poem to me. She stated that when she wrote it, it was Nicholas that was speaking through her, her words just sank into me, I am going to post it. She is Nicholas all over agian, out of both of my girls she is Nicholas all over agian. My girls had a very hard time, this is the first Christmas without him for us.

Speaking of "signs", as some of you call it, I know the presence of my Nicholas alot, whether it be in the way the sun is setting or the moon is shining, or even sometimes when I know he is telling me he LOVES me. I miss him so much. Sometimes as you all know, certain smells or songs that we hear can be so overwhelming.

On the subject of "significant other's"......I was suppose to get married in June of this year, well, I lost my Nicholas May 8th, 2005, he was suppose to walk me down the isle. I still haven't gotten married. Sometimes I think he (Richard) thinks I have had to bury a "puppy", and it's time to go on. I can't explain how that feels, sometimes I have such a hate for him. Things have really gotten worse for us. I'm not even sure if I even care........ I'm not sure if that happens?

Rose

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} to every one of you~

My heart just breaks for all of you, and I wish I could reach through cyberspace right now and hug and cry with each of you.

My experience is so different from yours, as I was prepared and expected to lose Michael, and I was blessed to be with him when he crossed over. I know the intensity of the pain I feel, and I cannot imagine how immense and difficult it must be for all of you who lost your children suddenly and unexpectedly.

Your anguish and torment, your unanswered questions -- all that you go through -- deeply touches my soul, and I weep and pray for you all. How I wish that I could comfort you and ease your sorrow.

Betty Ann~ I have been thinking of you and wondering how you and Jeff and your family managed through Christmas. I'm so sorry to hear of yet another tragic loss in your circle. In 1989, every month, at least one person in my circle died, including my mother and paternal grandmother, and in some months 2 persons passed; one month 3 persons crossed over. I felt like death was following me. That is a dreadful feeling, and my heart goes out to you that you are experiencing it. I will add this family to my prayers.

Rose~ I'm so sorry to read that your fiance isn't being supportive of you and your needs, your very real needs. As I said in my post to Mamabets, losing one's child can either bring a couple together or push them apart. It is definitely a test of a relationship. One of our friends told us that she spoke to her daughter and future son in law after she attended Michael's memorial service. She told the couple that if their love for each other wasn't strong enough to withstand caring for a child with an illness and/or the stress of the death of their child, then they shouldn't get married. I thought this was a rather strong admonition, but she said that after she watched Jim and I during the service, she saw true commitment and strong love, both of us standing beside each other holding the other one up. And nothing less was good enough for her own daughter. I'm telling you this as something to consider in your relationship with Richard. What do you need that he isn't giving you? Is this a temporary situation or will he continue to respond to your grief this way? When I married my husband, Jim, I expected that he would be there for me no matter what, that I could depend upon him to help me, to get me through the difficult times, because that is what a life partner does. Remember that you are emotionally vulnerable right now, so give yourself plenty of time and space before you make any major decisions of any kind.

Once again, {{{HUGS}}} and prayers for peace and comfort to all of you. My candles are burning for you and your beautiful precious children~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[rhonda68]

Hello Rose I know the feeling about the way your boyfriend is treating you because mine treats me the same way and I am not sure I even like him anymore. But I was just thinking today I have been trying to eliminate people that are toxic for me and maybe he is just one of those people right now! What a mixed up life its so hard to go on and keep functioning just know that I am here for you.

Love,

Richards Mom

[maskott]

Roslyn...thanks for thinking about me and Jeff. I've been reading the posts every day...even two or three times a day. It gets to be an addiction. However, I just haven't had the energy to post. The days leading up to Christmas were the hardest. We had decided early that, as a family, we didn't think we would be able to do the usual Christmas get together that my family usually had. It was the wise thing to do. I went into Matthew's room, lit a candle and read a poem. As I was reading the poem, the candle flickered and made a really loud noise. I thought I had ignited a live tree that I had in his room but it was just the candle. I knew at that moment that Matthew was there with me and it comforted me a little. It's not the same as having him there in person and I still cried my eyes out, but it did help. We managed to get through this...I just don't know about New Years eve. The thought about starting the new year without him is something I'm going to have trouble with. We get through this, because we have to.

I'm hoping all is well at your house for now. Right now, my head hurts...it's been like this since Matthew died. So...I'm going to end this now. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

BettyAnn

[jscmom]

For All of us Parents...this was sent to me from my sister-in-law who lost her son 23 named George 20 years ago this month...

For All Parents

I\'ll lend you foe a little time a sweet child of mine He said.

For you to love while he lives and mourn when he is dead.

It maybe three or seven years or twenty two or three.

But will you, till I call him home take care of him for me?

He\'ll bring his charms to gladden you and yet his stay will be beief,

You\'ll have his lovely memories as solance for your grief.

I cannot promise you he will stay, since all from Earth will return,

But lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I have looked the wide world over in My search for teacher true,

And from the throngs that crowd life\'s lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call and take him back again?

I fancied that heard same say, Dear Lord Thy will be done,

For all this joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we\'ll run.

We\'ll shelter him with tenderness, we\'ll love him while we may;

And for the happiness we\'ve known. will ever greatful stay.

But shall the angels call for him much sooner then we planned, well brave the bitter grief taht comes and try to understand.

I hope no one is ofended..

Johnnys mom forever 22

memory-of John S. Corriea-Hartsell

[daveydow1]

Betsy,

As you said, it is difficult to not get the understanding

we need from a spouse. My husband is not always helpful,

but he is always "there", which gives me comfort. You and

Kathy714 know how comforting a pet can be. I'm sure it

was sad to lose their puppy who fell through the ice, along

with all the other unhappy things going on at that time, and

then to lose your beloved son, Nathan, Kathy. Just too sad.

My son Davey, loved pets. At age 19, he went to the animal

shelter and adopted a little shep-mix pup. He only had it a

few days when it became sick and died from Parvo virus. He

felt so bad about it, he cried. He had to go to the hardware

store and buy a shovel in order to dig a grave for the pup

he called Dash. It was the runt of a litter brought into the

shelter, and he felt sorry for it. He never had a dog after that.

My you find some peace in the coming months.

[mom2angels]

{{{Daveydow}}} I just wanted to thank you for your kind words. You are absolutely right--caring for my sons is a labor of love. Actually, it is not labor at all. I'm sure that your Davey and my Mikie are good buds now. I have no doubt that all of our children here have met, since we have, and our connections are their connections. I find comfort in this. I'm sure that all of our children are glad that we found each other, for they must know how much we hurt, how hard it is for us to go on without them here, and how very much we miss them.

I'm so sorry that Davey lost Dash. I have a feeling that they are reunited now.

Prayers of peace and comfort are on their way to you~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}

I have something to offer you, which I know was beneficial to me, and which I hope would be beneficial to you.

The Healing Touch

When my son, Jon, was hospitalized with his colostomy surgery in 8/04, our chaplain and spiritual care provider at our hospital directed a Healing Touch Therapist to provide her services to Jon. Of course, I agreed, because anything our chaplain offers is always wonderful.

Our Chaplain stood beside Michael after he crossed over, referring to his bedside as "holy ground," and bade us leave him in her hands to spare us the experience of the removal of his body, and so that our remaining image of him would be peaceful rest dressed in his tropical gown. She is a retired physician from her native country and now a chaplain in our hospital. She is an angel on Earth, there is no question. So I trust her implicitly.

When I met the Therapist, I was impressed with her calm energy. She completed her therapy on Jon and then offered me a session, as I sat in a chair at Jon's bedside. For 20 minutes, she touched very gently certain points on my shoulders, feet, legs, and ran her hands over my entire body, just above it, drawing out negative energy. I listened to magnificent music on a headset as she did this, and I was literally transported from my stress within moments of the session. By the end of the session, I was very relaxed and calm, filled with peace, and stronger to cope with Jon's illness and recovery.

She treated Jon a few times before his release. And she also gave me another brief session. The hospital paid for this service; it was not billed to Jon or his insurance.

When Jon was hospitalized last Christmas, this wonderful therapist visited us again. She took one look at me and said, "I came here for him, but you need it more than he does. His needs are being taken care of by the doctors, nurses, you and your husband. But no one is taking care of you. So if you can leave Jon for about an hour, I want to take you to a quiet room and give you a complete body session of therapy." I agreed because Jon was stable.

She took me to an isolated room where I couldn't hear any of the hospital sounds, codes, paging, etc. As I laid on a bed, listening to this incredibly peaceful music, she began the session.

Michael immediately appeared to me, I felt his presence. I told her this, and she replied, "I was hoping he would join us. That does happen sometimes." That was not the purpose of the session. The purpose was to heal my pain. My inner pain. Relieve my fears of losing Jon as well as Michael. Give me energy and strength to cope with Jon's crisis and my grief.

Clearly part of that was Michael's presence to reassure me that he is indeed always near, that he is indeed watching over his brother, and me and Jim.

When the session concluded, I felt like I was floating, and surrounded by warmth and peace and love. Most people would just remain in that place to enjoy the experience, but I had to get back to Jon in ICU. When I arrived in the ICU lobby, I was greeted by a frantic volunteer, who called the ICU social worker, who rushed out to the lobby to tell me that Jon had coded and had to be intubated while I was gone.

I had failed to tell Jon's nurse or anyone where I was going, and they could not find me. I could not hear the pages. I was devastated. I sobbed. I was filled with remorse and guilt.

And then, Jon's excellent doctor and great nurse and this terrific social worker all began to comfort me. No code was called because Jon's respiratory therapist and nurse were in the room and the doc was on the floor right outside of Jon's room, so he was able to intubate immediately. It was probably a mucous plug, which once cleared posed no threat. Jon was breathing on his own and the vent was likely going to be taken off by the next morning.

All things were working as they should, and Michael's spirit was effective in removing me from the situation, witnessing Jon coding like Michael did in the ER on that Mother's Day, and sparing me that pain, when Jon was going to be just fine when it was all over. Meanwhile, Michael comforted me during my Healing Touch Therapy session. And that session gave me the strength to handle the crisis when I got back to Jon, which, even after the fact, was traumatic.

The Healing Touch is not massage. It's difficult to describe, but it is powerful energy. Our therapist also gave a brief session to Jon's nursing aide, who agreed that it was extremely calming and peace filling.

If you think that you might be interested in pursing Healing Touch Therapy for yourself, here is a list of Certified Therapists in assorted countries and states.

http://www.healingtouch.net/pract/index.shtml

Our therapist taught me some healing touch techniques, very simple ones, which I use on Jon or myself sometimes.

This therapy is supported by our hospital, which is a large, very well respected medical facility. Personally, I didn't need that as validity for trying it, as I absolutely believe in the healing touch, and have my own healing touch with my children.

This therapy helped me tremendously. I have referred two other friends who have been hospitalized at the same hospital, and they both benefitted in their healing from the therapy.

I recommend that you explore The Healing Touch website to gather a better understanding of its purpose and implementation. Our therapist had been through a great deal of training and was continuing to attend training seminars between our visits with her.

I can only vouch for our therapist and for our experiences with her. I offer this with the hope that you will find the same kind of caring and the same kind of healing as we have if you decide to pursue this therapy.

Many prayers of peace and comfort going out to all of you tonight~

God Bless You~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- Hello my friend- You know something, in reading your post tonight, I vividly remembered buying a set of books on the TTouch, Linda Tellington Jones- It was developed by her to assist animals with health related issues, as well as others. I gave them to a friend up here many years back, but it was a similar thing- Light touches in certain spots of the body- In researching her tonight, I see that since the time when I looked into it, probably over ten years ago, she has taken her work to The University of Minnesota- Center for Spirituality and Healing. Amazing- Probably similar in that it is supposed to help on a different level, it sounds like, this Healing Touch, and if open to it, it will. How is our Jon? I am finding that I am understanding Dean once again, as I always used to. To expect him to "fix" this, subconsiously, as he has always fixed everything else, is what this grief has done to our lives. He and Danny were the best of pals, and Danny just loved him- Had he not voiced his anger at this, we probably never would have dealt wih this stage of grief- In looking back over the last 6 months, I have been at him to TALK, TALK, TALK about Danny. As I told someone tonight, I have always talked enough for three people- To expect him to just, BINGO, do this, while this tragedy has left us with me completely removed from our world, is another thing that we just don't know how to do. He has been so understanding of my emotions- I have been completely free to grieve in my own way- But, what was starting to happen, was that I expected him to grieve in my own way too- He doesn't have any more tools here than I do- He has often said to others that he just feels so helpless. With the little bit of residual, that this weary self of mine has left, I am very aware that somewhere deep. there seems to be a spark of life- I feel small, small parts of the old me starting to emerge.... Familiar parts of me that Dean knows so well, and handles with a kind heart. Always has- He is an extremely gentle man, by nature, and he wants to fix this his way, for me, and can't. He too, is deserving of his partners patience. I think that we needed a two week crash course in watching the last of our walls tumble around us, before we could salvage anything that didn't have death written all over it. Death and only death. I did say , not too long ago- "I lost my Danny, Jackie lost her brother, Julia lost her uncle, and Dean lost all of us"- Thanks for listening...xoxomamabets

[donosmom]

After Matthew died a good friend of his came over to the house and asked if she could have a friend of hers do Reiki on our family, so for 4 days in a row, she came to the house and did Reiki on us, this of course took several weeks as there are 5 of us. My husband was first and I remember him coming out of the bedroom with glassy eyes and so calm after Julia left he told me that was the weirdest experience he had ever had that her hands were hot and she was touching everywhere at the same time but yet not touching him at all. Then it was my turn, it was a beautiful experience. I have since taken the 1st Reiki attunment and do self Reiki. It has helped me so much when the anxiety gets to much. I am a firm believer in energy healing now.

Thank you for bringing this up I believe it can be very beneficial. I also as a result of this have learned meditation and we all need a quiet place in our grief.

Matthews mama Mary

11-3-79 7-13-03

[rmcaggiano]

Mom2Angels, Rhonda68

Hello to you both, thank you for your post. I guess I'm not alone with this "relationship" thing. I have been told over and over again that I'm not the same person I was, before I lost Nicholas, (Richard states). Maybe I'm not... as you both know, a part of us that we can't even explain has been torn away. I want to share something with you.

I lost my Nicholas on a Sunday, on Tuesday a few days later in the middle of the night I woke up and my alarm clock was turning and turning, it just kept going and would't stop, it had never done this before, I woke Richard and of course he was too very surprised, I didn't know what to make of it at this time I couldn't comprehend anything. Well, a few weeks later Richard came to me and said that he wanted to tell me something..........He said that the night that happened with my alarm clock he beleived that was my Nicholas. He said he believed that God allowed Nicholas to come and "kiss" me good-bye, and by the clock turning Nicholas wanted me to know he was there. That was probably the most beautiful thing that Richard could have ever said to me, looking back now, I TRULY BELIEVE IT! However as these grueling months have passed, as I stated yesterday, I feel like Richard acts as if I have buried a "puppy".

Thank-you both for keeping Nicholas and I in your thoughts. You too are in mine.

Rose

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i am sorry it told so long to reply,for some reason God has kept me so busy lately,but i guess it helps.Ijust wanted to let you know we do still have the puppy's mom,who is a blind pit bull that someone had left with Nate about 4 years ago and never came back for her.She is the best,most loveable dog i ever had,and after losing Nathan and the puppy,she was so depressed,she wouldn't eat and just slept all the time,nom she is our spoiled baby.Even now when John or i cry over Nate,she comes to us and starts licking us ,just like she knows what is wrong.....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[donosmom]

Matthew's little dog Zsa Zsa is a minature pincher and after Matthew died she would get up in the night and stand on the floor next to the bed where we found Matthew and just whine and whine, we couldn't do anything to console her so we would just hold each other and cry with her. Once she exhausted herself she would jump back up in bed and lick our tears then snuggle as close to us as she could. It was heartbreaking and this went on for almost the whole first 2 years.

When we found him, she was jumping all over him and licking his face trying so hard to wake him up.

We all have a hard time sleeping in our bedroom. Matthew went to our bed just like when he was a little boy and didn't feel good.

I miss him so much.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- The people that live across the street have a pit bull and a chiwuaua, and the other day the pit bull got out and was headed STRAIGHT for the main road, where it would have been over in a second- I grabbed cheese, ran out, and calmly tried to get him to stop- Forget it, and I was a wreck- All of a sudden, I started saying "Hmmm, look- Yum yum" and the dog let we get close, at which point he rolled over on his back with these paws in the air, then curled them JUST like my Heidi does!!! He was happy when his owner came out and I told the owner that they need to be careful with their fence- The chiwauwa was in the middle of the road not too long ago!!! xoxo How did the pet scan go? How are you doing?? xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Betsy}}} I think I read something on the internet years ago about T Touch. You should pursue this, or Healing Touch, or Reiki, as I think you are an excellent candidate to receive some benefit from these therapies.

I had written a response to you before the one I posted, (but lost it) in which I talked about the need in men to “fix” things. Now, that’s not irony, is it? No, no such thing as coincidences. You see, you were thinking along the same lines, and came to that realization about Dean without my mentioning it. Hmmm…our sons are reading our posts on this forum, discussing us, and then getting back to us in their own special ways to help guide us.

I’m glad that you and Dean are seeing some of your former selves returning a bit. That will lead you to more common ground. My husband and I have different ways of coping with our grief, and I am definitely the “talker” between us. But as Jim said to me many times, “I grieve differently, but I still grieve.” He’s also pointed out that a mother grieves differently than a father, which is true, and which is natural. And Jim said that he feels a responsibility to me to be strong so that he can hold me together when I fall apart.

This summer, I counseled the husband of a dear friend of mine, as she was undergoing a biopsy for metastatic breast cancer on her spine. He is a woodcrafter, engineer, home repair kind of guy. A real fixer. He admitted, “I can’t fix her. I don’t know how.”

I told him that he had to use the proper tools, all of which he had in his possession – love, caring, compassion, devotion -- and apply them. If she needs anything, get it for her. Anticipate her needs so she doesn’t have to ask. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, tell her you love her. You just fixed all of the things within your scope of work for her. No matter how talented anyone is, no one can do everything! So do what you can, and your job will be done. He followed my advice, and he felt better. So did she!

That’s the part that Dean needs to understand. He can’t fix it so that Danny is here. But he can meet your needs, using his loving tools, and fix you; like plumbing, when you have a periodic leak, he can replace your washer! If he could imagine that your broken heart is a leaking faucet…

Thank you for asking about Jon. He is well today and enjoying all of his Christmas DVD’s one right after the other! He cleaned up on concerts, which he especially enjoys. We listen to a lot of music, and we sing, and we dance. He is in bed, but we still dance.

Take good care of yourself today, Betsy. Prayers for your peace and comfort are being said right now~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Mary}}}

Many of my friends have had Reiki therapy, but I haven't had the pleasure. I would love to experience it, and learn it for Jon, Jim and myself. I also meditate, which is extremely helpful. I'm very glad for you that you have these helpful techniques.

Zsa Zsa's reaction to Matthew's absence certainly substantiates that animals are keenly aware and intuitive. Bless her heart. Our dog, a black Cocker Spaniel, leaves her favorite slipper in Michael's room. She also knows when we need comforting. Pets are such a blessing.

Prayers for your peace and comfort~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Rose}}} I also think that the turning clock was a message from Nicholas. And it's great that Richard knew this as well.

Losing your son is life altering, so there is no doubt that you are changed. Nothing compares to this grief, and nothing will ever be the same.

I will pray that Richard will understand the magnitude of your loss and sorrow, and the giant adjustment that you have to make to go on without your beloved son here on Earth. And I will pray that he loves you through the changing and helps you along the complicated path that you are on now.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Kathy}}}

Just wanted to let you know that I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers and sending healing thoughts your way. I hope that you will keep us updated on how both of you are doing.

Blessings to you~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets and Roslyn,thank you for asking about my husband John,we have not heard the results of the PET scan yet,we go to the doctor Jan 6th, The doctor already mentioned he will probaly need more chemo,i hope not,i do worry about him so much,i am so afraid he will just want to give up,after all he does have alot of angels on the other side.I try not to think ahead,one day at a time,that is all i can handle.My friends here have really saved me,thank you all for your prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

Thanks for your kind words. I agree that all of our children

on the other side must have met by now, and became friends---

since we parents have met here on BI. I pray it is so.

Kathy714,

My prayers are for you and for your husband's health.

Peace to all.

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i just want to say thank you for sending the cute pictures of your cute doggies,at first it wasn't clicking who they were even though i knew the e mail address from somewhere.I am at work right now but i will try to send you some of my dog,the puppies,and Nate...thanks T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Daveydow,thank you for all your prayers,with all the prayers,hopefully god will listen and i hope he realizes how much i need my hubby here with me.I pray to Nate all the time to take care of his dad for me,i know he will listen,.....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[briansdad]

To all my friends here. I’ve finally come to the realization of why It’s my granddaughter who makes me want to go on with my life such as it is. She unlike my wife or my other children shows me how joyful life once was and how maybe it could be again. I can see the pain on my other family members, but it doesn’t show through in my granddaughter. I know she misses her Daddy she talks of him a lot but she doesn’t let the grief become a burden to a point where she doesn’t enjoy life. I felt guilty about thinking to myself “ If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t want to be here” Knowing that I have a loving family that I didn’t want to stay here for. I guess what I’m trying to say is we need to look for that one person or thing that makes you smile. I’m lucky to have Brian’s daughter and I know that. I also know that many of you were not that fortunate. Somewhere in your life there must be something to make you smile. Just look for something no matter how small and maybe it’ll grow into something that will make your day, or month, or year.

Maybe something as small as a penny?

God bless you all.

[enufalreddy]

Briansdad..........I was so glad to see someone else on my train of thought today. Searching and nurturing the positive. I am not one who can keep revisiting the scene of the crime to dwell on my pain and keep the wound open.It stays open enough on it's own. Some days are easier than others to find the positives but there are always some to see if we are willing to look. I need to make a gratitude list frequently to remind me that there is more to my life than loss. Sure I cry,and get angry and grieve with all my heart. But then I have to move on to living my life...whatever is left of it...to the best of my ability still learning the wonder of nature,love and my God and helping to make this world (even if only my little corner ) a brighter,warmer place. Not just for my other kids or my grandkids but for myself and my husband,our friends and family. Even just the people in the grocery store who need a smile or an atta-boy.I cannot fulfill God's purpose for me if I can't pull myself from the negative to see the path.I'm not a preachy kind of person. But I just read so much misery here that seems could be lessened if we allow it to be. Little bits at a time. Until the sunshine becomes obvious again. And I need to work at it for myself .It is the only way I can see hope in my future or near present. I am so grateful for BI and the people here, for my family and friends and that for 32 years I had a son who I adored...who was nowhere near perfect..but that I truly loved with all my heart and soul and he knew it. I believe he knows it still.Thank you for this most recent post. And keep helping me and all of us please to look for color and music in the dark.....Erma

[mamabets]

For All- I came across this card the other day, read it and my heart spoke to me, just like Danny does. It said..." I think I can do this"...

Live long...

Touch often...

Hug frequently...

Smile much...

Laugh daily...

Kiss repeatedly...

Trust eternally...

Love infinitely...

In that all of these hit me differently than they would have 2 years ago, each had a person, place or thing that I could share each one of these with, and that part of me felt "life" once more. It was me, I felt, and that was famailiar. I was told that this would get easier with time, I then began to hope that it would. So, I quickly grabbed the moment, because I realized that it was me, feeling me ... Can't do this without me!! Try to feel if something is helping you do so. In the meantime, I can tell you ...This walk does get easier. The pain becomes less intense, the emptiness remains the same, and somewhere between the two of those things, lies a balance.

I love you all. My hope began, once upon a time, as each of graced my world, because Danny had left my life. The reality that surrounds all of that is very painful, but being able to take your pain on as my own feels familiar. It's time like these that I hear my Danny say to me in my heart... "I'll keep things safe here, just please Mama, always trust in me there. My connection as his mother is, as it has always been ,locked in the magic of forever!!!...xoxomamabets

[Mazey2]

mamabets, what a neat saying.....wrote it down to keep, cuz I don't know how to print stuff off here! If any body can tell me how,please email me!! my email is listed. or mazey@udnet.net.

Erma, good to read you again. You are so right! We do need to look for some positives, and it is extremely difficult sometimes, but when there is a glimmer of a grin, or a good warm feeling we must reach for it. It sometimes is a tough decision to reach for a "good", but if we can once in awhile it will build a few more good feelings and we desperately need them. A step at a time. It takes courage and will.... There always will be a lingering pain in us, but it is so good to feel a little "us" again, like Mamabets said.

Briansdad, enjoy that little Granddaughter, let her give you that "glimmer" that grin, that "good warm feeling". Your post actually made me grin, cuz I get that from my Granddaughter, and it is a sense of hope...Sharing, Linda

[Artina]

Mazey2,

If you want to print a selected piece- You need to "highlight" what you want to print and then right click on your mouse and select "print". If you want to print everything- just hit the printer on your tool bar at the top of the screen or go to file on your tool bar and select print.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Mamabets,

Thank you for caring for so many of us. I have been part of Beyond Indigo for a long time and have found your energy and positive influence very helpful to many members on this forum.

Thank you, Tina

[Artina]

Briandad,

I too have found the value of life again through the eyes of those that still carry the magic of life in their eyes. My living son gives me purpose everyday. I, like Enufalready, count my blessing everyday, because I have so little to count... but know all to well how easy those "little" blessings can be swept away. Your grandaugter sounds like the oxygen you need to live... and that is perfectly normal. You have found some light in the darkness that will lead you a little further from where you are now, but no further from your son.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Last but not least- I want to share a visit with all of you that happened over the weekend.

We were in Oregon for a dual wrestling tournament (high school wrestling)- for those of you that don't know, my son Chris was a great wrestler. Anyway, my living son Mike is a junior in HS and wrestles too. As I am sure most of you can imagine, being around wrestling is bitter sweet- lots of great memories... that leave us feeling really empty. Although, we love to watch our Mike wrestle and create new memories. Anyway, we had to stay in a hotel because we live about six hours from Beverton Oregon. The first night we were in the hotel, I had a dream... I was fast a sleep and was dreaming about my son Chris and telling him to stay away from some popcorn looking stuff that was appearing around him... he just started eating it and smiling... I woke up from my dream and was going to walk into his room to check on him after he had been eating that "stuff" (mind you it has been almost four years this Jan 4, and I am fully aware that he not in his room anymore). I opened my eyes and realized that we were in our hotel room and that I wasn't home and that I couldn't check on Chris. Than I realized that my son was gone and I couldn't check on him anyway. To say the least I was laying there feeling so much intense pain, because I went from hopeful to dreadful. As I laid there with my eyes open in a dark hotel room going over my dream and the realization that my son was gone and had been gone for almost four years... the phone "message" light went on............and then it went off. I sat up and stared at the phone, waiting for it to continue blinking that there was a message. But there was NOTHING! There was nothing. No message... no ring... NOTHING. I KNOW MY SON WAS SENDING ME A MESSAGE... I haven't had a dream of him in over a year, yet the night I have a dream of him, I wake up thinking he's alive and then the "MESSAGE" light on the phone in the hotel goes on and then goes off and there is nothing. FLUKE???? I think not. Keep your eyes peeled my friends, because our kids work very hard to come through to us. Thank you Chris for confirming what we FEEL to be true... we just miss you so much.

Peace to all, Tina

[kirksdad]

Tina, stories like that are so inspirational. I have one of my own that just left us feeling so good although it wasn't a message from Kirk, but one of his cousins.

Kirk loved basketball and played until his freshman year. Once we started having our problems he just quit about everything and nothing we could do would make him get involved, but it was really nice when he was participating. Anyway I got a call from my mother a couple of weeks ago and she was very emotional about what she wanted to tell me. It seem that my nephew had just bought a pair of really expensive basketball shoes and his mom caught him marking on them with a permanent marker which made her mad until he told her what he was doing. It seems since he has been playing basketball he puts Kirk's initials on his shoes. He is consistently the top scorer on his team and has many colleges looking at him because he is such a good athelete. It was such a good feeling for all of us that we found this out because it made us realize how much Kirk had touched his life and was still his inspiration when it came to his life still. That experience meant more to us than anything has in what seems like such a long time. I know it was another one of those small signs that happen just when one needs them.

[maskott]

To add to the stories about feeling good. My son got a tattoo a few weeks ago (something Jeff and I never wanted them to do). He had Matthew's initials put on the back of his ankle. If he had to get a tattoo, I'm glad it was in honor of Matthew. To add to the story...a friend of Scott's texted our daughter Kristin the other day...he got Matthew's initials tattooed onto his shoulder. We received two phone calls on Christmas-one from a friend of Scott's and one from a Friend of Matthew's, wishing us a Merry Christmas and to let us know they were thinking of Matthew. We also received a Christmas card from a pair of brothers that had been Matthew's friends. To know that people are still thinking about him and honoring him helps so much to get me through this season.

Thinking about starting a New Year without Matthew hurts so much. I don't want the clock to strike 12:00.

Wishing all who can "have a very Happy New Year" for those who can't...."have as Happy a New Year" that you can manage. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

Jim,

That is a good story. I imagine that your nephew holds a special place in your heart... especially since he holds a special place in his heart for Kirk. What a great tribute.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Maskott,

It is a good feeling. In fact, I don't think people who have lost a child understand just how healing it is for us to hear them talk about our child's life.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Briansdad,i agree my grandaughter is defindently the light of my life,i just love watching her grow everyday,even though sheT is my other son's daughter people say all the time they see a little of Nate in her[especially in pictures]I babysit her on monday's and i just love spending time with her and she brings life back into my house again.Christmas morning they were here before i even woke up,it was nice because i didn't have to wake to the silence of Nathan not being here,and i put all her presents out just like santa came... T/C Kathy,Nate's mom