Loss of an Adult Child

[wgreenlee]

Thank you Kate and Lovu2themoon. I know we will get through this. Nice to know I have others to help me in my journey. Not that I don't with my family and friends, but this is different.

Thanks for looking at his casket. Just wanted him to be wrapped in MY LOVE as he was his whole life.

Becky, I pray that Jared's angel date is a love-filled memory fest for you, even though I know it will be hard at the same time. I will be sending up a prayer that morning for you.

You guys are great and I am so glad a I found you. Enjoy the day and remember all the good things life has to offer. I am going to try very hard to do the same.

Wade

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

Thank you for sharing the story of Jared's name. The things you do with his photos are beautiful. Thank you also for sharing that quote. Many just don't know what to say.

Wanda,

Yes, last night was one of those nights for me. Every night without my Tris is hard but sometimes certain things really hit hard. I try to avoid putting myself into those situations as much as possible until I am a little stronger. I only got on facebook last night to go to Trista's page and read some of the posts from her friends. That helps me sometimes. If I would have remembered it was Homecoming I would have never logged on. It's such a heart wrenching thing. I saw my niece, so beautiful, I felt so proud of her yet the knife to heart thinking if only Tris was here. Even the good things in life are bittersweet and I know they will be for a long long time. I do want the people I love to live their lives and be happy but try to do only what I know I can handle right now. Sometimes I don't even know what will hit me. I may do something thinking I will be okay with it only to have something I never would have thought of hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm glad you are only doing what you know you can and trying to eat is so important. I'm doing better with that by following some of the suggestions from others on here.

Kate,

Thank you for offering your experience and giving hope that things will soften. I agree there is no way to do this but straight through the middle.

Wade,

There is such love in your writing about your son. I have had people close to me struggle with addiction I know how hard that is. So glad you were able to see him overcome and be such an influence in the lives of others. He sounds like an strong, amazing young man full of love. Such an inspiration to his friends and family. As far as pictures, writings, and other things belonging to our Children, I find that is such an individual thing. For me, in the very first few weeks, I couldn't stop gathering everything, looking at it, reading it, almost counting the memories that I could hold in solid form. After a bit though, I had to put some things away. I still need to look at her pictures and things but only when I'm in the right frame of mind. I think we just have to do what we need when we need and never push ourselves to do something that doesn't feel right for us at that time just because we think we should.

Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts! To the new ones here, I am sorry you have to be here, but know that we understand and are here to help you however we can.

Lane's mom,Wanda, I so feel your pain, and I know the disbelief and the what if's, believe me. These first months are so hard, and we're here for you!

Shannon, you are doing what you should be doing, and that is to try to get your feelings out in the open in a place that is safe to do so. Thank you for your comment about my photos. It is something that has given me a focus, and I love to look at my son's pictures and try to create things that he would like. I have his pics all over the wall around my desk, and on my screensaver on my computer. These nearly two years of research and struggle for the truth, I have often looked at his pics, and talk to him as if he is right here, because I believe it is only a thin veil between us, and his pics have given me strength to keep going.

Wade, you did an exceptional job on your son's casket, a work of love and a thing of beauty. What a wonderful way to honor him! Your son Brooks, was a very handsome young man, and we are here to hear you. I have written about everything here, including my thoughts and feelings and actions on the night we lost our son, and throughout the investigation, although I have deleted some parts of that because I have been advised I could be sued, not for slander... but for harrassment!! wow.

Kate, you summed up my feelings perfectly, months of numbness, and an ongoing pain and longing; but yet I was seemingly functioning, planning Jared's service down to the smallest detail, yet moving through my surroundings, particularly out in public, like an out of body experience, there, but not there.

Gretchen, Carol, Sherry, miss your posts! Hope all is well.

Dee, our teacher in more ways than one, so glad you are here to love and guide us! You are such a blessing!

As I approach Jared's 2nd angelversary, where people around me expect me to be 'over it', I am not. Far from it, and even though we do a few more things outside of our home than I felt like doing in the first year after, Jared is always on my mind. When I see his friends, I think of how tall Jared would be, or what he would be doing for a job, or if he would like the way we restored the car that we had bought for him just a year before he was killed... or I will ride by places where he used to frequent, and can picture him right there. I often picture him sitting on our couch, and his smile or his laughter, and want so much to be able to physically touch him again, and hug him. He gave the best hugs! I am not light, and he could pick me up off my feet and spin me around. He was already taller than me. 15 years old, 180 lbs., and 6 ' tall. Not an ounce of fat, as he was an athlete.

The quest for justice for his death has completely engulfed me for nearly two years, and most of you know by now, that is now behind us, and because of the lack of open container laws and lack of ability to successfully bring charges for use of cellphones while driving, there will be no justice as far as the criminal courts are concerned. I do have a firm promise from our delegates that they will pursue writing legislation on the open container/drug law, and also pursue across the board testing of ANY driver involved in a serious injury/fatality, whether or not any substance abuse is suspected, not just commercial drivers, which is how it is now. I do feel my persistence in pursuing the truth, and questioning the police investigation will hopefully give them cause to rewrite policies on procedures, and give them better insight into the hearts and minds of a grieving family.

I am now tying up loose ends, such as contacting the ME to correct his death certificate and have it relect that the crash occurred on a RURAL ROADWAY/MINOR COLLECTOR ROAD, not a major highway!! Mistakes abound.

I also contacted the State Police Public Relations office, which put out an incorrect press release on the night of the crash, and the information was never corrected, and gave the public a very skewed conception of what happened. I haven't heard back from them, so not sure what they will do if anything.

To all those on the path of justice, DO NOT GIVE UP!! I watched all the videos from the lady, Mary, that lost her daughter to a suspicous drowning, and I understand your need to know what happened. There are facts that we brought to light that we never would have known about if we had not been persistent, but I do have to tell you it is a very LONG and very rocky road, and it kept the horror of what happened to my son in the forefront, causing me to wake everyday with some aspect of THAT night on my mind. It's was a year and a half before we finally were given access to the 911 tapes, and reports and interviews, and if we had not filed a civil suit and had the judge court order those things released to us, we never would have seen them! You are right, it would be buried in a file drawer some where, unseen and unquestioned. The outcome for the criminal aspect was not what I had hoped, but I do know the truth of what happened, and now will rely on God for the judgement.

[wgreenlee]

Thank you Becky and Shannon. Find myself needing to just come here to "get away." Staying busy and doing some housework. Made the mistake of thinking I could read some of the comments from his Celebration... Thought I would sneak a peak Not yet ready, although the couple I read were so affirming of his good life, gentle soul, and love of friends and family. Little at a time I guess. I'm going to visit Brooks today just to say hi.

On a practical note, we are going to be looking for a headstone soon. Not sure what everyone else did, but hoping someone has some ideas. The funeral home said they would work with us on that, but I also want it just right. Can't make that one...at least I don't think I can. I have some pretty smart friends. Anyways...hope everyone is having a good day. Mine is ok, not as "impressively happy" as I wanted it to be.

You are all on my thoughts too and sending you warm thoughts, as Kate would say.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, I so identify with your pain of not having your Lane and the difficulty adjusting...been feeling that intensely with Jesse lately...

Wade, your son sounds like a wonderful, caring person...what a loving tribute for your son to be able to craft his coffin...like a beautiful treasure chest to hold what you loved most....

Mary, holding your hand today as it is a difficult road to walk when those in the legal system ignore the rights of the victims, I am battling that right now...next week I will be talking to an advocate from the Attorney General's Office...

Shannon, do understand that thought of thinking you will be okay to do something and finding out that grief sabatoges you from out of nowhere...happened again today with me...a song was played at church that we listened to a lot when Jesse was born...well that was a mistake...here is a the part of the lyrics:

When I stand in Glory,

I will see His face,

There I'll serve my King forever,

In that Holy Place.

(by keith green, died with two of his small children in a plane crash)

Well that was over the top of my emotional limit...because I really have the person I loved most in that place, it just isn't a line in song for me...so I left crying, no sobbing...I feel like such a emotional wreck, I just am not adapting at all to this new reality...will people in my community start thinking, "Oh, there is the woman who lost her sanity from losing her son?"

***********************************************************

All, I hope you don't mind but I thought I would repost my husband's letter for my son for Wade (this was was read at Jesse's funeral):

*******************************************

To Jesse from Dad,

Jesse, when you were born I cried tears of joy. The bond was so instant and so strong that it took my breath away. And so our journey began.

Watching you grow was a privilege. Your imagination would come alive with the drawings that you would create, from starships to old cars and houses.

I remember when you created your Chickinsaw club and tried to enlist your friends to join. Those writings are still there scribbled on boards that are tacked up in the sheds. I would chuckle at your imagination and listen to your impossible dreams.

You were such a gentle boy and so kind to animals. I remember how you would squeeze and hug your stuffed bear and call him Teddy with a smile. Your love would just shine through. There is not a mean bone in your body.

You loved the simple and plain things of life and where others saw junk you saw an object of beauty. I lost track of how many old cars you had and oh how excited you were with each and every one of them. You saw things not as they are but what they could be.

You always had a smile on your face and quiet confidence. If you ever had doubts or fears I never saw it. Your wisdom and insight was always that of an older soul. I loved our in depth conversations together and you knew so much about so many things.

You had an incredible ability to read and retain facts. A quality that I so much admired and wished that I possessed. We had some pretty good arguments didn’t we son, arguments that I could never win. I always kidded you and said that you should have been a lawyer.

Yet, so many other times we would just have long interesting conservations together. How we would talk and talk through the thousands of miles on our road trips to Arizona. I cherish those times so deeply now.

And how often son we would work together either wrenching on cars or fixing up your house. Both of our hands together on wood and steel. How often I relied on your strength for it was greater than mine. I am so glad for these last 3 weeks that we spent preparing your house to be lifted on new solid foundation. Together we were going to get this latest job done. Again working side by side and you seeing things that I didn’t see and me seeing things you didn’t see. I was so happy to see your excitement because this was the project that was going to turn a house into your home. I was so excited for you and I want to finish what we started.

Jesse I love you more than life. I would love to take your place son if I only could. There is no amount of tears or grief to express the loss that I feel. You were so very, very special Jesse and not just because you were our son but just because you were.

So much of my soul has died with you son. I will miss you beyond what words can explain.

Rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father, son, until I see you again...

**************************

I add to Becky's thoughts, hope Carol, Gretchen and Sherry that you are all doing okay...

***************************

Thinking of all our BI children today...

[wgreenlee]

Laurie, thank you so much. Jesse sounds so much like Brooks. They would have been great friends. Brooks could remember everything from movies and songs. When he would help me at school sometimes, he would go to his old teachers and do impressions of movies. I wrote to Brooks every night on FB after he died, because I always called or texted him good night. Miss those little things so much right now, but glad we had those moments. Anyways, after his celebration I wrote one more time and here it is. Looking for the paper of what I said during the Celebration. Hope I didn't lose it

"Well, son...you did it! You made a difference. So many people to send you on your next amazing journey. I was a proud dad. Pastor Pat and Pastor Larry gave great messages and I believe you are in a perfect place right now. Shauna's slide show was perfect. You have a new family now, but we will always remember. I will visit you often even though I know you're not alone. I still need that. I think some of your friends already went to visit. So many friends... We even had a buffet with lots of fellowship. Hugs and love for everyone. You made something important happen and who knows where it will go. Thank you! I had you for 24 years, and will keep you in my heart forever, but now the healing begins. I met so many of your friends and will make every effort to keep your spirit alive by helping them when I can. And they in turn will help me. You would want that I know. So now Brooks, my son, begin your new life with God and know that mom and I love you unconditionally and with a love only a mother and father can give. Night, Buddy! ALL MY LOVE, Dad"

Thank you all for helping me... I hope I can help you in turn.

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Forgot I had typed my comments during the celebration on my computer. Thank you God! Kinda funny how something like that can throw you for a loop. Here it is:

"I wanted to come up with the right words to thank everyone for their amazing support and love, but I kept coming up blank. How do you thank people for keeping you sane in the most terrible moment of your life? All we can do right now is tell you that you have truly made a difference in our lives. And not something temporary. We will never forget what you’ve done for us.

This is for you, Brooks. We are celebrating your amazing, full life. You will be missed, but your memories will live on. Your smile is evident all around me. Through your difficulties you never, ever gave up and you were becoming the man I knew we had raised. And that smile never faded.

You truly were a good person and a good friend. Standing in front of me is testimony to the love that you gave and received so freely. You were a gentle soul and I hope that is what’s remembered most about you. You were trying so hard to be a good dad, and that makes me the most proud of anything you ever did.

I think I was a good dad, but I know you were a good son. But now you will forever be in the loving arms of God, the best father. Mom and I will miss you, but we are at peace now. We love you and cherish the time you were our’s."

---not quite sure I'm at peace anymore, but I do know my pain is an earthly pain and will subside. Just hurts so much now. He's everywhere around me, but I know I have to keep positive and you guys are helping me.

Thanks again...Wade

[ericasmom]

Becky, time flies by even when it seems to move slowly, one tiny fraction of a moment by another. And yet you find yourselves years from the date that changed your world. How does that happen? I know that with 10 years now since Erica died, I am often quite shocked by the sheer craziness of that number, how could ten years go past and how did I get here during those very hardest of times? Some of it is a blur and so I am grateful for my journals as I can access those to see where I have been.

I know that October 3rd is a date that brings you to your knees, that colors your world differently and with such a sadness but he lives inside you and he must be so proud of all the work you have done to find some sort of justice, some kind of making it better for the kids in the world.

Hold on to us and to your Boy's love as you retrace your steps and look to where your road is taking you now.

Wade, life is altered, there is no way back to where or what it was. Your Boy made a big difference in many lives and will continue to do so as his love and light reaches each in their lives. I will look at the gallery tonight to see the work you did to wrap your boy in your love. Such a sweet man he became, so grown up for so young a man. He wanted to nurture others sounds like to me.

I am a teacher as well, third grade. I went back to work when school started up after Eri died. She died in July so I had about 5 more weeks of break before school. I was totally unsure of working in grief, but it was my day to day with children that saved my life. Eri would kick me in the butt had I not gone back to what I know and what I love. Good luck Wade, to you and your wife, and to all that mourn Brooks. Hold on and know that we are here and that we get it.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, Didn't mean to leave you out of my post! I think of your situation all the time, and wonder if you are making any headway in your son's investigation. I hope so, Hang on... Thank you again for all the great info and links you are continually posting. I think you are doing really well on your journey. Jesse David would be so proud of you!

Susan? Hoping you're ok. I hope you are using your creative juices to help you through your days as well.

Thinking of you too, Lora, and Shelly. Hope you are hanging on, and will come and post when you can. Grief work is soo exhausting!! I know I probably left someone out, and I apologize if I did, but know that I think of all of you often, and wish we could get together for a sit down conversation over dinner!

Wade, I love your postitive attitude! I was like that in the beginning of my journey, and then there were times when I began to question everything. If you find yourself there, don't worry, it's not a lack of faith, it's normal in this circumstance. God knows each of us, and I believe he understands fully our struggles, and we could rant and rave and He would still love us!!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Duplicate Post, Sorry!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Becky for thinking of me...

I hope nobody minds, but I am going to post the song by Keith Green...like I said, for me these were not just words...but a hard song to listen to in church. I had used some of his music for Jesse's funeral so it was a double whammy...

http://youtu.be/lQSuTP5OHBE

Along with eleven others, Keith Green died on July 28, 1982, when the Cessna 414 crashed after takeoff from a private airstrip. The small two-engine plane was carrying twelve passengers and the pilot, Don Burmeister. Keith Green and two of his children, three-year-old Josiah and two-year-old Bethany, were on board the plane, along with John and Dede Smalley and their six children, all perished.

[ShandasMom]

Signed off now.... thanks for... well,....

Maybe I didn't post the right things?

[ericasmom]

Laurie, so pretty and so heart wrenching, that music.

Thanks for posting. I love the letter your Husband wrote to your Boy Jesse. I am glad you reposted it as it is a strong piece of love to share with those new here.

You are traveling on a trajectory that is so very hard, reaching that one year mark is a painful trip, but it is the only way to get to the other side of this time, and your Boy is holding you so close as you find your way. Hang tight.

Susan, you okay?

Shannon, yes, those benchmark times like Homecoming and proms, graduations... all of them driving home the loss of your Girl even more as you know how she would love these events. I know. And I know that it is hard to see others you love enjoying those events while your heart breaks. I know you don't wish this on anyone, you want the folks you love and those that Trista loves to have a great time, but it is very hard to find a balance. You will however find that balance, not right now, but later on.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Shanda's mom wrote:

Signed off now.... thanks for... well,....

Maybe I didn't post the right things?

Mary, I wrote this earlier today, meant for you!

To all those on the path of justice, DO NOT GIVE UP!! I watched all the videos from the lady, Mary, that lost her daughter, Shanda, to a suspicous drowning, and I understand your need to know what happened.

There are facts that we brought to light. in our son's case, that we never would have known about if we had not been persistent, but I do have to tell you it is a very LONG and very rocky road, and it kept the horror of what happened to my son in the forefront, causing me to wake everyday with some aspect of THAT night on my mind. It's was a year and a half before we finally were given access to the 911 tapes, and reports and interviews, and if we had not filed a civil suit and had the judge court order those things released to us, we never would have seen them! You are right, it would be buried in a file drawer some where, unseen and unquestioned. The outcome for the criminal aspect was not what I had hoped, but I do know the truth of what happened, and now will rely on God for the judgement.

I posted this video link a few days ago, but not sure if anyone watched it, as I had to change the viewing ability of it. It is still an unlisted video, so please do not share it outside of this forum.

Our family actually went to the spot on the roadway where Jared was killed,only 1/4 mile from our driveway, on a 2 way rural road, and marked the road in 25 foot increments with road paint, and then went LATE at night to shoot these pictures with actual distances to the impact point to show that a driver, if paying attention, should have seen him in time to either take evasive action, or to brake. The driver did neither one. This all would have happened in about 3-4 seconds, as a vehicle traveling 50mph travels 76 feet per second. There are many other facts known to us now that could have been responsible for her inattention, but she has never admitted to any responsibility at all, or apologized, in fact the complete opposite, being cruel and hateful to a level that I will never understand.

Producing this video, was extremely hard for me and my family to do, but we felt it was important. The first meeting where we showed it to the Attorney General, she only commented how dark it was out here! She missed the point that we took these pics 4 months later, and at MIDNIGHT, not 7pm in October!!

I did get an apology from her on the recent meeting at their office, where I pointed out how much it hurt us for her to make that cavalier remark, and didn't she realize how hard it was for us to be there in that place, and re-enact the way we felt the crash happened.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you. That's all I can say. Your words helps so much as I know you've been there. Thank you.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing that song. It is uplifting but at the same time so deeply emotional, even for those of us who have no personal ties to the song. For me, I have found there is so much music that I need but can only hear when I have created the space for it. If it is thrust at me... be ready for a break down. If you are the parent who lost her mind after losing her child, then so am I. You have been such an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for sharing. I think of you daily.

Becky,

I am thinking of you as Jared's Angel date approaches. Your strength has inspired me to keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing all you do. You are in my thoughts so much. Thank you for sharing your journey and your strength.

Wade,

Thank you for sharing what you wrote for Brooks. It is absolutely beautiful. Please keep sharing with us.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Reading the things that Laurie's husband wrote about Jesse and Wade wrote for Brooks, makes me think back to Trista's Services. I was alone in planning. I was a mess. I let the Girls pick the music based on what Trista would want. The Girls put together the picture and memory boards that were on display. I wrote something for the Pastor but asked him to please paraphrase because what I wrote was a complete jumble of my thoughts. Afterward, I wished I had been capable of being more present. Sadly, my cousin, who loved my Tris so much, had to attend the funeral of another child killed in an auto accident just shortly after Trista's accident. She reinforced for me, after attending both services, that Trista's was exactly as she would have wanted. I still felt there were things I should have said or done if I had been stronger and so I write to Trista. Here is the most recent thing I have written.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Trista,

Time doesn’t mean much anymore. I wonder if it’s a shared experience between our souls. They say time as we understand it doesn’t exist in heaven and I definitely don’t understand time anymore.

A day can last a million years but yet it seems just yesterday I was dancing with you in the kitchen and you were laughing and asking, “Mom, are you tipsy?” I wasn’t. Just happy to be hanging out, cooking dinner with my Girl.

It seems just yesterday, you jumped on my back for a piggy back ride because it wasn’t fair that only Aiden gets them and we both ended up on the ground laughing.

It seems just yesterday you were born and my whole world changed. I knew absolute, true, unconditional love for the very first time in my life.

I miss you. I miss you with my whole heart and soul. I miss everything about you. My sweet, sweet daughter… My best friend.

I miss your smile, your laugh, and the smell of your hair when you would crawl up into my lap after I rocked Aiden to sleep and say it was your turn. You never outgrew being my baby girl.

I miss our fights. We both have so much passion when we know we are right. They would always end with a hug and kiss though because I could never stay mad at you long or you me. We lived by the rule “Never go to bed angry”.

I miss coming into your room before I go to bed and snuggling.

I miss trying going to go to the store for one thing for me and coming home with ten things for you instead.

I miss our lunches out. I remember when we went to William’s and I ordered mussels. You thought it was the grossest thing you had ever seen. I made you try one and then I had to fight you for them. You always ordered them after that.

I miss watching you with your little brother and seeing so much love that my heart just felt so full. I miss listening to you fight with your other brother knowing that I did the same with my brother and sister and that someday the two of you would be best friends.

I still feel you and I know that you are close. I’m so thankful for all the ways you let me know you’re with me. I know you are better than okay and you are so full of love. When I feel you so very close I can feel that love and as your Mom I wonder at your new world. I would never hold you back in this one and I don’t want to hold you back now. I know our time together isn’t over. It’s just changed for now. I know we’ve been together for at least a million years and we will be together for at least a million more. But I won’t pretend I’m okay with that. I just want you back. I’m only human and I miss you.

Love,

Your Mom Forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Signed off now.... thanks for... well,....

Maybe I didn't post the right things?

Mary, it is truly okay, you're doing fine...come back and share some more about your daughter...

HUGS

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Mary,

Your are in my thoughts. Please keep sharing. I think of your journey in finding answers. I know that it is so hard waiting. I have been thinking of you and Shanda so often.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Becky and Shannon. Find myself needing to just come here to "get away." Staying busy and doing some housework. Made the mistake of thinking I could read some of the comments from his Celebration... Thought I would sneak a peak Not yet ready, although the couple I read were so affirming of his good life, gentle soul, and love of friends and family. Little at a time I guess. I'm going to visit Brooks today just to say hi.

On a practical note, we are going to be looking for a headstone soon. Not sure what everyone else did, but hoping someone has some ideas. The funeral home said they would work with us on that, but I also want it just right. Can't make that one...at least I don't think I can. I have some pretty smart friends. Anyways...hope everyone is having a good day. Mine is ok, not as "impressively happy" as I wanted it to be.

You are all on my thoughts too and sending you warm thoughts, as Kate would say.

go to Cara's mom....Lora....she created a beautiful...amazing headstone....it took a lot from and out of her...but..it may be something you should see...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, that was a very beautiful piece for Trista….all of what you said so many of us feel too within our hearts…

Totally agree, "But I won’t pretend I’m okay with that. I just want you back. I’m only human and I miss you."

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I have been reading some of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, “On Death and Dying”. She talks about the five stages that were originally developed for the dying but then were applied to the grieving as well…

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and perhaps Acceptance, (of course these stages do not fall so neatly in this order but tend to go back and forth…)

However, Elizabeth makes a small remark in the book that just stuck out in my mind...it was regarding the dying patient and how one should share that news. She said that “it would be cruel for a physician to force a patient to accept a fact that the patient is clearly not ready to hear…”

I thought about how that remark might apply to those of us who are grieving…how often expectations from others are forced upon us….and that is wrong…this is a journey with so many unexpected turns and pitfalls…that reaches deep to the bareness of our soul…

Her compassion for the patient was so evident…and so I believe there must be compassion for ourselves during this time…at least for me, it has been a “dying time” as well…I know I am only at a certain point with Jesse…and it will just have to be okay…

Just thoughts….

[Mermaid Tears]

Stay with me...stay with me....stay with me.....

I am not where I was....

I am not where I am going...

But...I am on my way....

for Laurie...for Shannon...for all that have been with me on this journey....speaking for you...speaking for all.....for all that have led me....please....stay with me...if I did not write your name...it is in my heart...please know that....Dee..Kate..Sherry...Colleen..Gretchen...Sarah's Mom...each of you that have heard me....talked to me...lifted me...consoled me...thank you

[wgreenlee]

Thought I'd share a song Brooks made for Renea and I. Played it at his viewing and Celebration. He currently had two songs being finished in a studio. His producer said he would finish them for us. He was a "white rapper" as his buddies would say. Some of it was edgy, but this song really tells his story and how gentle his soul is. Hope it works on here.

If only.mp3

[wgreenlee]

Trying to go through a few things like his songs, but just can't. I'm hoping by posting them on here and in the gallery I will take a step towards acceptance. I hope anyways. Baby steps right? Had my first bouts of complete composure breakdowns this weekend. Would just start crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop. I don't know if that's good or bad. And I'm so worried about his girlfriend and her children. I want to be so strong, but I'm not sure that will get me peace. Almost finished all the thank you cards. Keep getting more of them. Almost wish they would stop. People keep posting more things on FB too.

If it wasn't for all of you and this site, I don't know what I would have done this weekend. Still have to get his personal affects from the police and then I think it will start all over again. He had so much stuff on his phone that I don't think I have the strength to look at it, but I have to. He had just ordered pizza before he was killed. We know that because his girlfriend accessed his voicemail and the pizza guy called his phone and said he couldn't deliver, because there were police everywhere. Having a hard time right now. Not looking forward to sleep. I am going from optimism to depression...up and down. I see beautiful things around me and start to smile and laugh, and then...smack...there he is.

But I will be ok...we all will be ok...

I need you guys...and I want to be there for you, as well. I think I need that more than anything. To help and see all the good things in life. I don't even know you, yet I feel right now that you're my lifeline...keeping me sane.

Was that a bunch of rambling or what? It helps though. Funny why that is!?

God will provide peace as he has my son. Love and miss you, Brooks!!! Hope you're playing some ball and that I wrapped your bat right

Thank you...Wade

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, Your son has a beautiful voice! My son, Jared, also liked to rap, but it is nothing I would want to post here!! lol

I don't know what it is about this forum... it's different than just writing your thoughts into a journal, as there are so many here that really understand your pain and how much you miss him. I told you there would be ups and downs, highs and lows, and all you can do is what you are already doing, walk through it.

Jared's funeral service was also a celebration of his life, and I clearly remember that I discouraged people from crying, as I knew Jared would not want them to be sad, and that he was with God. That carried me through those early weeks. As time went on, and more facts were learned, then the great sadness overcame us. I think it is a combination of missing them so much, and wondering what we could have done to change it, and feeling helpless to help them.

I so admire those of you that have written letters to your child, and been able to put your love for them into words. I speak to Jared all the time, but I did not speak at his funeral, none of us did. We played his favorite music, and the place was 'bumping' trust me! The pastor read aloud a letter that Jared had written when he was 13, that spoke of his concern for his world. (It is in my gallery).The boys that he played sports with and that came here all the time on weekends, related their personal best memories that they would treasure. I sang a song at his funeral, as did my daughter. Since then, I have put my thoughts into poetry, and created many pictures of him in the way I imagine him to be now. We post little things that we remember, and photos of him all the time on FB, so much so that not too many even bother to comment anymore. I have always tried to keep it positive in those posts, but nevertheless, people just don't know how to deal with someone who has experienced this type of loss. It causes them to think about their own children, and what they would do, and they can't dwell there for even a moment, much less weeks, months, and years.

Last night I worked on a new flower arrangement to take to the cemetery on Thursday, on his 2nd angelversary. My daughter and I shopped for new flowers, and little things to put in the arrangement that represent Jared. Got a few more touches to go, and I will take it outside and spray the clear coat with UV protector. The arrangement that is there now, I put there last March, and it still doesn't look too bad, just starting to fade.

Here is Jared's marker.

March 2013 Flowers by Family Marker.

Our plot at the cemetery.

Here is the new flower arrangement, outside drying.

[Mermaid Tears]

First I want to say how I have enjoyed hearing your story of 'the how and why' you named your child....I haven't much time but will post my story later....the stories have warmed my heart.

Wade....am so sorry for your loss...I guess I missed some postings....but your child was murdered...how horrific....how did it happen ? Your postings I did read speak of the bond you had with him...I will tell you this....it will never, ever be broken. Dee once said...'not the train wreck..the cancer...the automobile accident...the sickness...will ever take our child away from the parent'.....as time goes on....I know it is true. One could ask....'how can a forum bring anyone any relief'?....for me....I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...and that is something that one cannot even begin to fathom....until it happens to you. So...I have found kindred spirits and friends here to help me over the rough spots...reach a hand up when I fall...and I find a common thread in their grief and mine....and I don't feel so alone. Some are farther along the path....they wave to me....and they will to you, too.....to help us along this journey that has no map.

Sending all Peace and Hope today......knowing we all could use a cup of both.

[Mermaid Tears]

It dawned on me today....

If someone had told me before John David died...that I could survive the death of one of my children....I would have told them....never.

But....here I am...I do remember telling my best friend, Margaret Ann, years and years ago..."I think in some other lifetime, I lost a child"....

I always seemed to have a 'knowing'......there was always that 'tiny ribbon of fear.....there was a 'humming'....there was something outside my grasp...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

Jared's marker is so personal. I want to do something similar for Trista. I have a local artist working on an image of her but it is slow. The flower arrangements are beautiful.

Wade,

Brooks does have an amazing voice. I love the song.

Laurie and Susan,

Thank you for your posts. It helped to be able to come here and read them today.

To all: I'm thinking of everyone today. I really do think of each one of you often. I'm having a really low day today. Maybe tomorrow won't be so grey. I need to get Aiden out in the sun.

[shorty16]

Wade,

That's what we do in the beginning. Mumble, talk to ourselves and remind ourselves to breath.

My family is 5 years into the death of our 16 year old son, Brian. My son was riding on the hood of a car and the driver crashed...killing my Brian.

I have been on this site since the beginning of my journey. We have 2 other children. Both were VERY angry at the world. That took several years to deal with.

Be kind to yourself. Everything you set down you will lose. You may think you are going crazy...you are grieving.

Hugs to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[wgreenlee]

Thank you Colleen!

I thought I had it pretty under control until this weekend when I was by myself a lot. Today was better at school, because I was busy. Just can't wrap my head around it, even though I understand what happened. I guess it just hasn't hit me full force yet. Was thinking about Halloween and how much Brooks enjoyed dressing up and taking the kids out. I want to enjoy life and can't wait for the time I can look at Brooks' stuff and truly be at peace about the situation. I want to revel in his awesome life, but can't do that yet, and I feel less for that.

Shannon,

Are you working with the funeral home for the marker, internet, local artisan? Thinking of you as well.

Susan,

On the 9th he had gone over to a friend's house from HS. Someone who always knew she could count on Brooks. They walked together in graduation, and he would stay at their house sometime, etc. We aren't sure why he went, but at the house was a guy who had an infatuation with this girl. From police reports, Brooks and the guy talked for just a few minutes on the lawn, and then the man left and Brooks went back into the house. The man then came back with a gun and shot Brooks in the head and then shot himself. Again, from the police report there was no warning or anything else going on so we can only assume that the guy had something else going on...drugs, whatever. The "funny" thing is that I don't have any anger about that. The family owns the best donut shop in Carson and I even had the daughter in my class some years ago. I left a card for them because they didn't deserve this either. I feel for them as well. In my tv interview the lady asked if I was angry, and I had to say I wasn't. I hope I don't get angry, because that's not me. I've talked with the girl numerous times to let her know I don't hold her responsible at all, because it's horrific what she went through as well. We've had some good talks since then, and that has helped me a lot. Still haven't really talked with her about the actual incident, because I want her to have some time first. It would be like Brooks to have gone over to her house to protect her...

Becky,

I can't get over how similar Jared and Brooks were. The same with Jesse. Makes me feel more like we have a connection outside the loss of our children. I'm a believer in God's word and I know he's safe and warm in God's arms, and maybe all of our angels are now comforting us. Brooks also has rap music that was a little edgy. I will post some here eventually with a disclaimer I also wanted everyone to be happy at his Celebration and for the most part they were. We had music and remembrances and then a beautiful dinner for everyone. What is this clear coat with uv protector? Is that for real flowers? Don't have much of a green thumb. I love the sunrise and sunset on the marker. Jared has a beautiful resting place. Are those earbuds in his ears? That would be like Brooks too. I don't want to rush his marker, but I don't want him to go too long without one either. I don't know why I'm worried about that...

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much. When I was at school today I wanted to check this site, but was afraid I might break down. Then I couldn't wait to get home and check it.

Praying for everyone to feel the love of their angels, family, friends, and each other.

Wade

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, the flower arrangement for Jared is beautiful…I too was wondering what the UV spray was for? Is it a clear coat or something and does it help the flowers last longer?

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Wanda, hope your day is going okay…been thinking of you today and Lane… How is your daughter handling everything? Sometimes siblings get lost in the early days of grief…did she finish moving back home?

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Mary, also wondering how you are doing today…it feels like some days we are dropping off a cliff from the pangs of grief…

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Shannon, have you made any progress on your case yet? For us, nobody from the DA or the Sheriff’s dept bothered to contact us for months…we did all of the contacting…

I saw this story on Guideposts...I thought you would like it

http://www.guideposts.org/inspiration/mysterious-ways/tiny-angels-with-shimmering-wings?page=full

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Colleen, it was good to see your post today… thanks for coming back and sharing…

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Wade, I agree with Colleen, be good to yourself…how is your wife handling this? Thanks for your warm thoughts towards us on this grief journey and for the kind words about Jesse...

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Kate, how are things your way? Is your husband regaining any of his strength back from the chemo treatments…

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Susan, I loved your posts today…thanks for holding our hand…

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Dee and Sherry…Lora, Gretchen, Carol, you are in my thoughts tonight…and all of the others that drop in to lend a helping hand and offer a caring heart….

May you all have a peaceful evening …

[wgreenlee]

Thanks Laurie for the words of encouragement. Renea is doing ok. Probably better than me. She has more of a network of friends and activities. We've been sleeping on the couch since Brooks' death, though. We both are kind of afraid to go back upstairs and sleep in our bed. We were woken up by a Carson deputy in the morning and saw the car outside. I'm ashamed to admit that I thought at first that Brooks might have have done something wrong. I called right away and, of course, didn't get an answer. The deputy gave us a note that said to call a detective in Reno about Brooks. We asked if everything was all right, and he said it's bad. We're like, what happened? And then, those words that we will never forget..."Your son is deceased." Like it was yesterday. I want that out of my head. But anyways, we don't have a tv in our bedroom, so we sleep downstairs and use the tv to help us get to sleep. Usually Renea is telling me to come to bed, cuz sometimes I nap in my chair...isn't that a cliche for men? But now even she just gets our pillows and blankets and gets the couch ready. Everything has changed. My wife is the small one in front in our gallery pic. Just retired as a colonel from the military. Looking for new work, etc. Amazing woman. Thank you for asking. I told her about this site, but she'd rather write in her journal or talk it out with our pastor or friends. Two of my school friends alternated days staying with us after the news, but now I don't know how to talk with them. Kinda caught between being too proud to say anything, and also not wanting to burden them.

Ok now for some good news. The dad of the teacher friend who runs the fishing business in Alaska that I work with every summer called his son to ask me if I wanted to captain one of the boats this next summer. Little apprehensive because it's a lot of responsibility, but a big honor for me. I'd like to be up there right now, working the 16 hour days and being carefree from the world. Wanted Brooks to work with me, but he said he couldn't leave his new family for that long. Proud of him for that!

Had a good chat session with some other members earlier. For the first time I had a little laugh at our circumstance. Kinda dark humor, but Brooks would understand. Passed about 1/2 an hour and didn't shed a tear.

Like I keep saying and I mean every word. Thank all of you so much for helping me share, and I look forward to sharing stories about our angels. For some reason, that seems to give me the most comfort.

Wade

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Colleen, it was good to see you here today! I am so encouraged each time you post and tell us that you have been able to move ahead in your life and that what seems so all consuming won't be that way forever. Thank you for continuing to share with us. I love seeing your Brian's smiling face! My daughter continues to be very angry, and she expresses it quite freely. What do you say when the person that the anger is directed towards has acted in such a sub-human manner? Why couldn't she just tell the truth and be sorry?

Thanks to all of you for your kind remarks on the flower arrangements and Jared's marker. The flowers are artificial, and the UV spray helps them hold their color, and helps keep them clean, as it is a satin clear coat. The arrangements are created on a 12" by 36" and 3" deep piece of styrofoam. I hot glued ribbon around the base this time, not sure how long that will hold up, but sprayed all of it with the clear coat, including the bottom of the base, to help it last longer in the elements. It sits atop the river rocks in our plot, so it doesn't get too dirty, but is in full sun all day. The family marker seems to protect it from storms and wind pretty well.

Wade, yes! Jared does have earbuds in the picture we used for the marker! That picture was one that he took of himself laying up on the roof over the porch of our house, which he and his sister could access from their bedroom windows.

Jared was cremated, with a small box of ashes there at the cemetery, but most of his ashes are here at our home in an urn that we felt reflected his tastes. Originally, I had thought I would put the urn in his room, which remains unchanged, but we put it in the front corner of our living room the day we brought it home, and that is where it has remained. We added a picture box, and hung a tee shirt that we found and knew he would have wanted and worn, with the rasta colors and the lion.

The other day, on my answering machine, was a message from a good friend of mine. She was there for me on the night of the crash, and has kept in touch more so than even some family members. Her greeting began with "Hey Jerry, Hey Becky, Hey Jasmine, Hey Jared", and I played it back several times, and was smiling each time, because someone recognizes that Jared is still very much here with us!

Very very tired, will write more tomorrow, but all of you are always on my mind.

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....the flowers are so easy on the eyes....a bright spot to catch the heart...your Mama Love comes shining through...

I have John David's shirt/shorts/shoes/socks/belt he wore to the hospital...on a chair....even though we had his 'scattering and blessing' of his ashes on the charted boat in Port Aransas...I bought urns for each sibling..my sister...and us..and put a small amount of his ashes in each...I am now just able to 'use the creative part' of my mind to re-arrange things in my home...I am in the 'thinking part' now.....the way grief has touched me....I seem to be both paralyzed and numb and can only go so far in planning.....and I have the ability to 'put things aside or to the side' for a long..long time. I have a hippie kind of theme of 'what's the use' ???.....and then I will catch myself up short and say...'of course, it matters'.....I am becoming a mixed sort of bag....I guess a new slant on my personality. But....Susan doesn't live here anymore.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for your encouragement on these benchmark times. It is hard to find the balance and I wonder if I will ever truly enjoy any event without the sadness of thinking if only Tris were here. Maybe not but as you said, a balance may come. Allowing me to feel that sadness but still find joy.

Laurie,

Thank you for that guideposts story. I read it just before bed. I could really relate to that story.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing what you do. Knowing others have had similar experiences with things that I just can’t understand helps. I know then that even if I don’t understand it, it is very real.

When Trista’s personal things were brought to me (all that could be saved was her purse and her blue flannel shirt. I put her purse under my bed, right at the edge, on my side. I put her flannel under my pillow. That’s where they stay. I’m not sure why I put her purse there but I did.

Wade,

Trista’s stone will be done by a local monument company. I’m going to have it laser etched with images from her life, inspired by Lora- Cara’s Mom, and the beautiful things she did with Cara’s stone. I’m going to have a waterproof box to hold certain items for when friends and family visit her site, inspired by Gretchen- Forest's Mom. I decided to include an image of Trista done by a local artist. That is taking a while but he’s shared his work with me as he goes and it will be truly beautiful and something I know Tris would love.

Wanda,

How are you doing. I think of you and Lane often.

Becky,

What a sweet gift from your friend to hear Jared’s name spoken in such a natural way. While many people don’t understand or know what to say or do, I find there are a precious few who just seem to get it. The boys and I talk about Tris all the time in the most natural way. Others hesitate to mention her as they don’t know if they should. She is always with us and I love when someone acknowledges that.

Thinking of all today.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

To each of you that have that mountain to climb to bring 'justice' in the loss of your child...

I do not have that issue.....but am saying special prayers that each of you be given a special stamina on the grief journey...for grief is a heavy burden...and you will have to carry an extra load.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you Susan for your kind thoughts regarding those that carry the extra burden of truth and justice. It does, as you said once, add yet another layer to our grief.

Shannon, I hope you are able to encourage and bring about some changes on the roadway where Tris was lost. I just don't understand how the justice system can be so lopsided. Tris's friend, I am sure would never have done anything intentionally to hurt your girl, and was honest about what she remembers of the crash, and yet she is charged with Vehicular Homicide, while the driver that killed my son admits to no wrongdoing at all, even though our reconstructionist, witnesses, and evidence point to the fact that she crossed the centerline and struck Jared as he skated against traffic, & had an open container of alcohol and prescription drugs strewn on the floor of her SUV, she received no charges whatsoever! No testing due to lack of open container law, and pretty much took her word for everything, because at the time, they didn't know there were any other witnesses. Granted, the speed limit was excessive for this type of road and for the fact that there are 22 homes in a half mile stretch, no shoulders, etc., and we are seeking to remedy whatever we can in Jared's honor.

What type of sentence is Tris's friend looking at? How do you feel about it as far as she is concerned?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Deleted

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you Susan for your kind thoughts regarding those that carry the extra burden of truth and justice. It does, as you said once, add yet another layer to our grief.

Shannon, I hope you are able to encourage and bring about some changes on the roadway where Tris was lost.

Shannon and Becky, I was thinking the same thing when I read about the charges leveled at this girl...

With my son, I have a girl who was driving straight in his lane, uninsured, already had a charge against her for tailgating from some weeks before...which means she is aggressive in her driving habits...

Yet when my husband and myself met with our DA he wasn't even going to charge her...plus the false media that our stupid sheriff department released about my son, accusing him of speeding which both my reconstructionist refuted and other witnesses on the EMS report said he was going normal speed...yet this full blast release falsely accusing my son...

I don't understand this "justice" system...I am so frustrated...and mad, mad, mad...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Still have to get his personal affects from the police and then I think it will start all over again. He had so much stuff on his phone that I don't think I have the strength to look at it, but I have to.

Wade, just something I had read and have also practiced...if you do too many "grief tasks" at once you might find yourself overloaded...so try and break down what has to be down in smaller chunks...

it may take longer but grief is a long soul-searching journey...

[rlolheiser]

hi to all,

sorry I don't get on here anymore, but even not being here, my heart is here. So very sad to see so many new names, wishing I could reach out to everybody.

My life here is just plain hectic, at least once a week I go to visit my grandson, still trying to get custody. They have started to bring him to my house once every other week, I even got an overnight with him, it was heaven. I have so many rules I have to follow, and I feel like i am going mad sometimes.. maybe I am already there.. who knows anymore.... I am being treated like I am so bad for wanting to bring my grandson home to family, that I am breaking up the foster parents home... I started this battle over a year and a half ago.. I think they thought I would give up. We go to court sometime again next month.. then hopefully I will have him.. I don't know

Mom is still getting by, her mind is really lost. She is forgetting the basics of life, I have to help her with everything. I just can't give up on her yet. I still have a lot of fight in this old body left I guess.

Kids are enjoying school, Sena , JaBoa's sister is doing so much better this year, so hard to believe she is in 6th grade. With the approaching anniversary of JaBoa leaving, it seems to give Sena new questions, and I honestly don't know how to answer.. some of them break my heart and I have to tell her, I can't say.. I am not sure how important the questions are to her, she wants to know.. but all I can do is tell her what I read in the accident report.. and I can't handle saying it out loud, muchless to her little face... just guess I have to make decisions

I get online once in awhile, mostly the computer acts up, the cable was laid outside finally for new hookups but I don't know when the houses will get hooked up. Sure looking forward to that.

I miss being here with my friends.. I miss reading your lives, I always felt so welcome here.. such a wonderful place for us to have our souls touched. I hope all here take advantage of it all, from the tears to the madness to the love.. no place better than here to share it.

I hope next time I get online sooner... get to go see my grandson tomrrow.. its about a three hour drive each way.. more with the construction so I am tuckered by night :-)

hugs to all who want them... may your tomorrows get a little easier.. and when they aren't remember there are some pretty terrific people here.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I deleted my earlier post because honestly, until I get the findings from the reconstructionist, I don't even know what's okay for me to say. But to Becky and Laurie, yes, our justice system is very lopsided.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

"I always seemed to have a 'knowing'......there was always that 'tiny ribbon of fear.....there was a 'humming'....there was something outside my grasp...

I felt that too, and i hate that, i hate the fear i had of car accidents, the sadness i would express over crosses on the highway, my kids knew how i felt about car accidents, and how the only prayer i asked God for was to keep my kids safe, they knew, and when lane got his drives he even told me "mom, don't worry i wont be that grade 12 that dies" and he was.

I feel for those that have legal battles, i don't have that, it must just add to your grief.

My daughter and i spend the night at my mom's just for a break, and get a good nite sleep, sleep is still something that doesn't come easy for either of us.

exhausted all the time...

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello to Gone....you have such a great spirit...even though your body gets tired....love is filling you with a different kind of octane....all of us on this site will say special prayers in your quest to have your grandson with you....we all have different issues....but the common thread of carrying our grief...and getting on with the business of..'every..everyday lives...and caring for our earth children...who need us now even more...to help console the loss the family feels. You are also caring for your Mother...a true labor of love....and a constant kind of caring. Please take very good care of yourself...remember to 'self care'....to sustain you on your journey.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda....exhaustion is a common thread in grief....sleep patterns are like wispy cobwebs...you just can't hold on to sleep. Sleep is healing...even when one has a physical illness.....we have a broken heart illness....that EKG's cannot chart. I sometimes push myself up...and walk and talk like a Zombie all day....for if I took a nap....then I would be up til 3....and if I go to sleep...I wake up at 3.....it all works out....but for now...just accept this as part of your grief walk.

And I do understand that 'background' fear....before my child died...and I would hear of someone losing their child...my thoughts were..'Oh but for the Grace of God, go I'.....but really, I could never wrap my mind around the horror of it all.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I deleted my earlier post because honestly, until I get the findings from the reconstructionist, I don't even know what's okay for me to say. But to Becky and Laurie, yes, our justice system is very lopsided.

Shannon

Shannon, completely understandable. I am glad I got to review it before you deleted it. That intersection is extremely dangerous, and I do not understand why they can't do something about it. It can't be all driver error, when you look at the speeds of the passing vehicles! Unless they are saying the contributor's were the ones that were in violation. Our justice system and particularly in traffic laws really SUCK! I am so sorry. ((HUGS)) to you!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

Exactly! I'm glad you got to review it. Thank you for doing that. Yes, and it makes me so mad that you and Laurie and others wait so long to get any answers or justice and in my case it seems like things are getting shoved along...

Gone,

I'm one of the newer ones here. It sounds like you have so much going on. I agree with Susan, make sure to take care of you. I have younger kids to care for and have had some other family issues as well and grief is so exhausting in itself. Making sure to take care of ourselves is so important. I hope everything works out for you to have your Grandson with you.

Wanda,

I understand completely. I always had that fear as well, for as long as I can remember and intensifying before I lost Trista. I was always so careful and prayed the same prayer. I would even go as far as to visualize my Kids wrapped in a protective light whenever they were away and I always said I silent prayer whenever I saw a roadside memorial or came upon an accident.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda,

I understand completely. I always had that fear as well, for as long as I can remember and intensifying before I lost Trista. I was always so careful and prayed the same prayer. I would even go as far as to visualize my Kids wrapped in a protective light whenever they were away and I always said I silent prayer whenever I saw a roadside memorial or came upon an accident."

​Shannon, that's how i was too, and our kids still died in car accidents. my biggest nightmare come true.

Every parents nightmare no matter how our children die.

"Wanda, hope your day is going okay…been thinking of you today and Lane… How is your daughter handling everything? Sometimes siblings get lost in the early days of grief…did she finish moving back home?"

Laurie, she is moved back now, we are trying to do this together, the counselor says we are at different parts of our grief journey, she is now feeling the full impact of the loss of the life she knew, she gave up her job, her school, her apartment, her friends to move back home with me. She did pick one class here, but she was very busy and driven before Lane died, and now, our lives are very slow, and difficult and of course she misses her brother so much, she was his protector, his biggest supporter always there for him. She too is just lost.

Lane was such a big part of our lives, its still so hard to believe, fathom, deal with, so painful...that he is no longer here, to hold, to hug to kiss...miss my boy so much.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Posted by Wanda...."Lane was such a big part of our lives, its still so hard to believe, fathom, deal with, so painful...that he is no longer here, to hold, to hug to kiss...miss my boy so much..."

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As you said above...these raw pains of grief of losing our beloved children...

[Mermaid Tears]

I am tired...and if Dee would be here to say....and I hold all her words close to me....she would tell you....in her wisdom gold words....your children...are still your children...they are doing fine...and they want you to know...they are above happy...we...you ...deal with grief...for we are earth bound...but if you were they...you would never want your loved ones to cry for so long...

[ericasmom]

Oh how I wish I had more energy at night, but I am all in. Lot's going on at school, so much of it is exhausting, but the kids are GREAT! The politics...not so much. Oh well. I went to my Son's after school, it is his day off so I went to take Baby Erica for a walk so that Jon could get some business calls in and I could have some alone time with the Baby. What a beautiful day it was, we had a nice walk, then I went home to cook dinner and JOn and Babes came over for dinner. Shannon had to work late through dinner tonight. I walked Jon and Erica back home and hung out a bit and walked home again. A sweet night but now I am all pooped out. I have two late nights this week; tomorrow starting a new writing class downtown on Wednesday evenings. My co-grandma, (shann0n's mom) is taking it too so we will meet down there and drive home together. Exciting but with the year going the way it is at school, I hope I can handle something more on my plate. The next day, Thursday, I am taking two 6th graders to the Art Institute of Chicago as one of them won that trip in a contest back in February and are just now taking me up on it. So it is lunch or dinner for a kid and a friend and time at the museum. By Friday, I think I will be quite the tired one, but these are good trip s and uplifting too.

Leah, so good to see you today, I know that Susan is right when she said that we will all pray that you win custody of your Grandboy. Prayers and hope being sent your way Dear. Hang on there Leah, you are the backbone of your family, and you are the heart. JaBoa smiles on her Grandmom.

[Mermaid Tears]

I am glad that we can start the conversation....on our 'thoughts and feelings' and the background music we heard....a time ago...long time ago...before we could shape the thoughts...of our fear...maybe that connects us, too....who knows....