Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Wgreenlee, my prayers for you and your wife, it is hard when folks move back to their lives after so great a loss. I am sorry that you lost your Boy, and that it was by someone's hand is just so brutal. Please tell us more about your Boy, and know that we are here listening.

Lora, it would be hard to keep up with the outdoor work in any event, but holding two jobs and winter coming, it is a consideration to be sure. I wish you well in your decisions. I love the photo you posted,those are the skies that bring magic back to us.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mary....I think you can re-read my posts....I sent you a post on 24th of September....I watched all 3 of the videos....

When we post we include everyone...but sometimes we will post a message to a specific person because they are dealing with a very difficult issue....and we simply reach out...to give that person a hand up.....

All messages are for everyone...sometimes I will get a lift up from just what someone is saying about the kind of day they are having.....for I will be going through the same emotions....and it is good to know you 'aren't the only one'.....

This site has been my 'very best friend'....when I am falling hard....it offers a soft spot...

Please know that we do understand and know the dark pain you are in now...it is just so damn hard.

[Mermaid Tears]

wgreenlee....I wish to send sympathy to you and yours in the loss of your son....you are counting the 19 days we know....please tell us about your SONshine boy....this is a lonely journey...even if there are 100's of people around you....but we do understand how hard it is to try and find that 'new normal'.....I lost my John David on August 3, 2012.....and I will not gild the lily ...it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced....but....one does not get over it....you can only go through it.

What a gorgeous sky....Lora....you are our Sky Watcher for sure...I wish I could move you into my apartments...there is so much upkeep with homeownership.....I remember my daughter, Randa, when she and George bought their first home...they had lived in a condo....she said...'why do people buy a home...you have to do something every week-end'.....I really don't know how you do it all...2 jobs...home and yard upkeep....and the heavy burden of grief....and you take care of your neighbor....I do believe you are extra special !

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...my husband has to re-size my photos, too....my 10 year old GRANDdaughter knows more around a computer and smart phone than me....

[ShandasMom]

How long do you have to be a member of this site until people reach out to you specifically? Right now I am feeling like you need to be a major or significant contributor to this site before anyone acknowledges your individual pain. I have posted numerous things, but all the posts I see are written to others, that have perhaps been here for a while...

What did I do wrong in joining this site to be not noticed? Not given support? Just overlooked?

I am wondering....?

I am sorry, I do apologize. I am in so much pain I don't know what to do. I feel perhaps?? just perhaps? if I really knew what happened that day I might feel differently. I mean, to clarify, I wouldn't have any less grief, but I might be able to have more closure to her death than not knowing. When I let my thoughts turn to how all the "powers that be" failed her at every single turn it just makes me sick to my stomach.

Today, I am going to the scene and shoot a video with my smartphone and then post it on the internet. The purpose of that is to show all the nay-sayers, doubters, and others who don't understand why I still seek the truth and more information "may" then understand why I am still in so much pain and suffering. The ones that just think you should "get over it" and "give up the fight". I will not do that... Not until I get my pound of flesh from whomever I can get it from.

I have a large antique and collectible doll collection and have decided to sell all of them. I might need the money and they are meaningless to me now anyway. Nothing hold meaning.

It is only 12 weeks today and although that seems like a long time - 3 MONTHS, it doesn't really feel like any length of time at all. The pain is more raw than ever before. I cry all the time. My granddaughter came home from school yesterday and finally got her "bow" for her violin. She took the instrument out of it's case, and then the bow and began playing. I burst into tears that her mother could never see this. I am sure I will cry at every school performance she ever has knowing her mother can't be there. I guess i were a better "believer" I would try to think that her mother WAS there and seeing, watching her daughter, but I'm not there yet.

I am invited to a church tomorrow to witness a wedding. My daughter and her husband got married in this same church. When my daughter was incarcerated in a county jail (in 2009 and then again in June) she did Bible Study once per week with this pastor. This past June when she had to go back to the same jail for 29 days, she talked another inmate (man) to join her and the pastor with Bible Study. This man attributes my daughter's request to have him join in Bible Study to bring him to the Lord. When the Pastor told this man that he would ask me and Shanda's daughter to attend the wedding he was so pleased and wants us to come. How will I hold up? Well, I simply won't. I'll cry through the whole thing I am sure.

I'll try to cut back on my posting and just read things here. I don't expect anyone to hold my hand.... I was wrong in what I posted last night and I do apologize.

Blessings to all.

Mary

[ericasmom]

Mary, you need not apologize, it is the deep grief and need to be heard that drives us in the beginning. It will get softer one day, but not for a long time. You are at three months, that is when I lost my first layer of shock, or at least it was very noticeable at that time for me. I was so raw! This was 10 years ago, and all I can promise is that the only way to handle grief is to go through it. The loss and the hole in our lives remains, but we learn to fill that horrendous void with goodness, but not now, it is too soon. As far as posting less often, not necessary, post as often as you like and have energy for, it is how we do things here, we read and respond when we can and we are able. If we don't respond to everything, it is not because we don't like the post, it is simply impossible to respond personally to each post.

Yes, you will likely cry each time your Grandgirl plays music and if you attend the wedding today, you will likely cry. Remember though, that you don't have to attend all the events when you don't feel you can. Honor your heart and spirit.

[Jeff's Mom]

Mary, nobody on this site could have put it better than Dee. There is absolutely no need to apologize and please keep posting. It helps to connect with those that are on the same path. Please just keep in mind that we are all at different stages. As we progress down this path we begin to feel the pain soften and we experience good days that become more frequent. Colleen and Dee are correct in saying that to those that feel crippled by their grief that you can hold on to the absolute fact that it will slowly become more manageable. "Hugs" to you today and everyone that is new to this heartache. Love, Kate

[ShandasMom]

Dear Kate,

I agree, I look forward to Dee's posts because she always has it "spot on". Thanks to Dee for that.

Okay, so I won't quit posting... I don't know where else to go with this pain. Facebook is totally sick of me, and I have even had friends "unfriend and block" me. One time, I had a good male friend of my late daughter's post on Facebook that he was shocked by learning he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. He is only about 36 yrs. old. I went to his Facebook page, after he had telephoned me to get suggestions from me since I had been though the same thing, to see what he was saying to his friends and more importantly what HIS friends were saying to HIM. I was not surprised when almost every comment made on his announcement post where he said he had just found out he had lung cancer was this, "You're in my thoughts and prayers." It made me so angry, so angry - because anytime someone announces that they have had a loss (such as a death) or a serious illness diagnosis people always say the SAME thing. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

I even Googled the term just to see if I was the only person who felt that way. When I learned that others DID feel the same way about using this "catch all" phrase I put a long post on my own Facebook page addressing this. I simply said that people should use that phrase with care. IF they truly are going to lay their head down at night, or kneel by their bed with hands clasped and PRAY for that person - then fine. However, what percentage of people that say they will pray for you actually DO? I further went on in my post that instead of saying that common phrase how about saying some things like this? - "Could I come over and sit with you a while?" "Do you need any food preparation?" "I would like to give you a restaurant gift certificate so you don't have to think about cooking at a time like this..." Or, how about - "could I call you so you can tell me all about what happened or is about to happen if you got DXed with some serious health condition?" No, no, no, no one says anything like that. It is simply much easier to use the catch all and then the person feels like they have made an effort to convey they are somehow helping that person.

Anyway, so one of my oldest and dearest friends from my youth unfriended me because it made her so mad at me. She also blocked me on Facebook. She IS a very religious person so I am sure she was one of the small percentage of people who were actually, truly praying for me, but she took it all wrong. The day I posted that I was speaking on behalf of my friend's cancer diagnosis not my own loss of my daughter. However, I guess I didn't make the distinction so she took it the wrong way. She angrily said, "well, fine then, i won't pray for you any longer" and then proceeded to unfriend me. This woman has never even bore a child so how she have possibly known my pain anyway.

Again, I don't mean to offend anyone here, but I think we all could agree that "in-person" support, or phone call support, or any other physical gesture is usually much better than using that statement and then disappearing from the picture.

From the reading I have done people do that because they don't know what else to say, or to do, so they revert back to that phrase. I am also told you need to give those people a break because they really don't know.... It's just that I think they should be more wise than that and offer something that will really help, not words that get so repeated, time and time again when you are in such a place that nothing will soothe your pain.

Just my two cents worth. Thanks for reading.

Mary

[Mermaid Tears]

Mary....on this site....we allow people to ...

Rant...Rave...Wail...Stumble...Fall....Fall again on your knees...Sob...Grieve over the top...

And....most of all....express your ANGER....that is an emotion that people are most afraid of expressing...and confronting....but it is a very natural and normal emotion....

Only when it 'harms someone or does harm to yourself' is when it needs to be addressed...

Anger is a common thread among us that have lost a child...

Never apologize to us about the grief journey you are on....we are on the same path...and we know how much you are hurting...and all of us remember the first stages...grief is very painful...

I want you to know what Dee said about 'choosing where you go'....is very important....I have a very 'social life'....or had I should say....before John David passed.....and I had to LEARN to say...'No Thank You'....or " I don't think I will for now'.....I had to do that to survive...I just could not be in the public eye or attend all the social functions...I could not even attend family funerals...it was just too hard and emotionally devastating....still is to be truthful.....but I have to heal on my time...and on my own unique map.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi everyone. I haven’t been able to post for a couple of days but I’ve been reading. There has been so much going on. It was the storm before the calm for me. In a strange way it’s as if the Universe is bringing everything to a point where I have no choice but to purge my life of all the negative people and things. If it were my choice I would say… Wait! Please don’t throw this at me right now. I just can’t handle it. But it wasn’t my choice and in a way it has pushed me to make choices that would have had to be made at some point anyway and I do believe it is allowing me to create my space of healing and peace that I so need.

Mary,

3 months is no time at all. I’m just ahead of you on this journey. It will be four months for me on October 1st. Today though, is the Saturday before the 4 month mark and since I lost my Trista on a Saturday that hits me hard. And so I am here, reading and sharing. I remember hitting that 3 month mark and the darkness that and intense pain that came with it. It was just a few weeks ago for me and I’m just starting to come out of that dep deep darkness. As with Dee, I think at 3 months some of the shock fell away and left me completely raw and I was hit full force with so much pain, yes, in many ways worse than the weeks before. And so much ANGER! I was so so ANGRY... and still am. And it’s a day by day, hour by hour thing. I do read all the posts and I did watch all your videos. I’m so sorry for your struggles in finding answers. Although, I do have a little more understanding as to how my Trista died, there are still questions that I do not have the answer to yet and those answers are so important. I do understand. Please keep coming and sharing as often as you like and need. There have been many times I am here and reading and posting off and on most of the day. It helps to get me through the day.

Kate,

I’m so glad you got good news! I think of you and your husband so often and send prayers often too.

Wgreenlee,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. I’m glad you found this place. It is a good place. Please share more with us as you feel able.

Lora,

Thank you for sharing the beautiful sky picture. I love watching the sky too. Last night there was a beautiful sunset here. Lots of orange and reds with lovely pink clouds against a light blue sky. Those particular colors of pink and blue make me think of Tris and her “cotton candy” room. They are the exact colors she chose to paint her room when she was little. Good luck with your decision on moving. You certainly have a lot to handle and anything that could simplify your life a little is worth putting some thought into.

Writing this post brought tears to my eyes with just two simple words in my response to Mary. Those words were “Trista died”. I had to stop and walk away for a while before I could come back and finish this. I’m crying again now as I write this. This is such a hard hard journey. I’m thinking of everyone today. Sending wishes for peace and comfort for all.

More later, I’m sure. I feel this will be a writing day for me. I’m so glad to have this place and all of you.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mary....on this site....we allow people to ...

Rant...Rave...Wail...Stumble...Fall....Fall again on your knees...Sob...Grieve over the top...

Yes, this is the one "place" where it has been safe to share those intense moments...

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Wanda, thinking of you and your sweet boy, Lane, today...it is good to read here..to know that others know this burning pain...and understand what it is like to get sabotaged by "grief" moments that rear their ugly head, like leaving one to run out of the grocery store in tears...this happened to me last night...for that reason I always bring sunglasses...and leave tissue in the car....

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wgreenlee, I am sorry for such a tragic loss of your beautiful son...the pain of losing a child to murder...this is a very long and difficult road....with the extra layers of having to navigate the justice system...the other "horrors" to deal with...

I took the time to create a special "safe" spot in my home those first weeks, (this was also recommended by counselor), I picked a corner chair, bought a special soft throw, had some comfort drinks, such as teas, hot chocolate, and some reading material close at hand...I read alot of Elizabeth Kubler - Ross, however, just trying to get through to the end of the day may be a challenge right now...you probably will have to hybernate for awhile because of the intense emotions...also, I am on Lorazepam still to make it through the night, you might want to work with a doctor for the physical grief issues...

I also found a good deli at a local food mart that I bought (and still do) premade food once the meals stopped, it really did not cost much more...and your family will be too exhausted by the end of the day to think...

These are some simple things I did in the beginning...others may have their own suggestions...

Lifting you up before the Father...

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....are you having a better day....?? I do relate...for remembering when that angel from heaven was placed in our arms is etched in our Mama Memory....on John David's birthday I was down on my knees...with deep gratitude for having him and me having the honor of being his Mama...and in deep grief...and it all hits hard.

Laurie...your 'friend' needs to know....'that you are getting a life'....in fact...you are having to re-write every script you have ever written...and re-learn every lesson....and you are 'getting on with your life'....but it is a life without your SONshine boy....everything has changed...2 plus 2 is not 4....and you don't get a manual or a map.....so it is like finding your way in a dark..dark place.

I sometimes think that the people around us KNOW that we are changed...and changing...and they really don't know how to relate....so....they distance themselves....and we...have to let people go that won't allow us to be 'the person we are changing to'....as Dee says...we can't afford people like that anymore for we have to survive.

Shannon...what I wrote to Laurie is what you need to read, too...please let us hear how your day is going....you have a lot on your plate....get you and your SONshine boys out in the sunshine for awhile....is your grandmother still with you ?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

I didn't realize it was David's Birthday. I'm sorry it was such a hard day. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping today is a better day.

Susan,

We are outdoors. I brought my computer outside to read and write. It's a beautiful sunny day here and Aiden is loving the sun. Yes, I agree with what you wrote to Laurie. We are changed. Many can't relate but I cannot really relate to some of them either and so I let them go. If they choose to distance themselves then it was probably for the best and for some I had to choose to distance myself. Yes, we are rewriting everything. My Grandma is not here but she'll be back next week for a couple of days. The boys and I will enjoy some time outside today. We are going to decorate Trista's site for Halloween... maybe today. Zak and Aiden are excited about that. Tris loved Halloween so much so we picked out things we knew she would love, An Edgar Allen Poe- The Raven garden flag, lots of things from the Nightmare Before Christmas. She loved everything Tim Burton. The boys are not much for going just to sit at Trista's site like I do, of course but they are looking forward to this and I think it's an active way for them to honor their Sister.

Laurie,

I tried Compassionate Friends and it was a good experience for me. I just can't go because of the time and distance and my boys. Thank you for sharing the suggestion about the deli and the sunglasses. I still can't grocery shop like I used to. I run into our small local market and get just what I need for a couple days. I get in and get out because there is always a meltdown.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

DAVEY, DAVEY, DAVEY,

We remember you today...your beautiful life, and may you be close to your mom as your birthday has been so hard for her...she is a wonderful, caring soul...

Look down from heaven, as we are looking up, holding all of our children so close to our hearts...until we meet again...we love you...so infinitely...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

one of my favorite pictures...this was in my grandmother's bible for many years...hope everyone does not mind me sharing it again...



Thanks both to Shannon and Susan for sharing...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

i had to talk to my counselor about the accident because i replay it in my mind over and over again, she has me replace the image with a happy thought or picture of Lane, its a struggle but if i don't the accident is going to drive me crazy, because i cant stop it.

This is a living nightmare.

Wanda,

I still have these recurring flashbacks to Trista's accident. I'm working with my therapist too and I do something similar to replace the thought. It is so hard. I've read others talk about this too and have said in time you can learn to "turn the channel" on these thoughts. I hope so. I'm thinking of you.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

DAVEY DEAR-

Hold Your Momma today and each and give her the knowing that you and Lisa are near and proud of her.

She and your Dad love the day you were born, it is just so hard to not be able to hold you close and hear your voice.

Happy Birthday Sweet Man.

[Mermaid Tears]

I love to hear people's stories...can you tell me the 'how and why' you named your children 'their name' ?

[ShandasMom]

I would love to answer this question!

I found my daughter's name in a baby "name" book but it was spelled Chanda, not Shanda. However, as it turned out, she had a lifetime of people mis-pronouncing her name.

It is correctly pronounced: Shan - Duh, with the "Shan" sounding like the forepart of a crystal "chandelier". Many people wanted to put a "U" in it somewhere and pronounce it: Shaun - duh. Or perhaps: Shan - DRA. Or Shaw - na (with a short "A"). It drove me nuts and I am sure it made her crazy too.

Shanda - rhymed with Panda. It was not that difficult really, but most couldn't get it right....

Her middle name was "Fawn" and I know that is sort of weird. At the time of her birth I was living in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where there were a lot of deer and her father was a big deer hunter. Somehow we wanted her middle name to be Fawn, so it was ~

Shanda Fawn - there was only ONE Shanda Fawn and now she is GONE.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

During my last trimester of pregnancy with Trista, I watched Legends of the Fall. I loved the name Tristan for a boy. (It had absolutely nothing to do with my crush on Brad Pitt)I also was getting into genealogy at that time and discovered that Tristram was an old family name and was also a version of Tristan. I believe in synchronicities and felt like maybe my child was helping me choose their name. The only problem was that I was pretty sure I was having a girl. So I looked to see if there was a female version of this name. There was... Trista. I loved it. I thought it was beautiful and feminine. It's a little more popular now but at the time I had never heard it before. Her middle name, Mae, is after my Grandma. She was my partner in my childbirth classes and in the operating room the day I had my C-section and Trista was born. She was the first to hold her other than medical personnel and she was the one to hold her up to my face for my first meeting and first kiss with my beautiful Girl. Grandma and Tris had a very special relationship always. She loves that Tris is named after her. TRISTA MAE...

Thank you, Susan for asking this question.

Mary,

I think Shanda Fawn is a beautiful name but understand the frustration when no one gets it right. Tris was always being called Tristen, Christa, Kristen, etc.

Shannon

[ShandasMom]

Awesome Trista's Mom... simply awesome story.. Loved it. I also loved Legends of the Fall (movie). Great that you have a story like that to tell. I support you.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Mary.

Susan, I'd love to hear your story too, if you want to share it.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I read this poem and thought of all of us here and the changes in relationships many have or are dealing with. Reading helps me and especially poems. This website has quite a few.

http://www.angelrob.com/poems4/poems4.html

No Words

When I tell you that my heart still hurts,

You don't know what to say.

When I tell you that my eyes still cry,

You look the other way.

How could you know the pain I have,

And the sorrow that I feel?

For you haven't lost a precious child,

So for you, this isn't real.

I can't really say that I blame you,

For I was once like you.

I would turn my head and walk away,

Not knowing what to do.

But now I know, oh, how I know

What another mother feels!

For only when you have lost your child,

Do you know this pain so real.

This painful loss that bereaved moms share

Brings us closer in our hearts.

Now when we meet and share our child,

We are friends right from the start.

Joy Curnutt

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I named Jesse David because of the verse in Acts 13:22, only I reversed the order to keep Jesse as a first name which means "The Lord exists"..with David being God's Beloved...

I have found out if you do a search in Google for Jesse David Rauk it comes up like this for the very first listing:

Jesse David Rauk - Homepage - Legacy Memorial Websites

memorialwebsites.legacy.com/jessedavidrauk/MemorialSite.aspx

Mar 6, 2013 - His Dedication Verse: "I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; " Acts 13:22. Jesse is our beloved firstborn son. He is a ...

I wanted to update his site, haven't updated it yet...too much emotional energy for that...

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Thanks for the poem Shannon...

I happened to re-read Death is Nothing at All...for some reason it really stuck with me tonight....

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Very pretty picture Mary...peaceful...

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes I will share my 'story' of the name.....

I feel such a kinship with your Laurie.....

I have a son named Jesse....

I have a son named John David....I even named my son, Aaron David....

more later ....loved the 'name stories'....for there is always 'a story' ....and we need to tell our stories...of our child....it is a part of them and us....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I have read that one today too. I thought about reposting it. That is one that gives me comfort. I find I have to be in the right "place" emotionally to work on Trista's website too. Thank you for sharing the story of Jesse's name. I love to learn about the Children.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Double post

[lovU2themoon]

My son was named after the bull rider Lane Frost, and Lane's middle name is my maiden name. Lane loved the movie 8 Seconds, the story of Lane Frost.

I am not having a great day, i feel very anxious and frustrated, i feel as though i am wishing my days away for time to go by so i can deal with the pain better, and i miss my Laney so much.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wanda,

Thank you for sharing the story of Lane's name with us. I understand wishing the days away... I'm slowly able to be more present in my days, especially with my boys, but it is slow, the pain intense. I'm on autopilot much of the time. I read the posts of others here longer and know that it does continue to soften little by little, very slowly.

[ericasmom]

Nice of you to ask Susan, about the reasons behind the names of our Babies.

I love the stories from those who have posted already.

My first Child is Jonathan, which means 'gift from God' and so he is named Jonathan Michael, (middle name is his Daddy's first name) and one of his beloved cousins name is Michael Jon. WE met him first and decided Jonathan. Other favorites were Taylor, Nathanial, and Perry.

When I was pregnant with Erica, I made lists of names with my husband. He was not that into the name thing, but we both agreed that we had to meet the baby before we decided so we had three favorite names or so on both the boy list and the girl list. When Eri was born, I was in a week as I had my second c-section. Each day the nurse would come in and ask what we decided for the Baby's name. I said that we would have it solidly decided by the third day. So it was between Juliana Eileen and Erica Eileen. (Eileen is one of my sisters and was with me in surgery as well). So we decided on Erica, because she just really looked like Erica to me, I love the sound of her name and her initials; EER. So we had not told the nurse yet. The next morning the nurse came in with her sunny disposition and said, how did Julianna sleep last night? (rooming in)

I said, what? I had never told her which two names we toyed with. She said, oh sorry, the lady in the next room just changed the name of her baby to Julianna, sorry.

I thought...that is something odd, as though the other mom and I shared some silent name game.

So Erica Eileen it is. Eri to many, Erz, Rica to her brother.

And now we have a great niece that is Nayeli Erica, Aeri Moon, Aeriannha Amelia.

[wgreenlee]

I named my son Brooks after Brooks Robinson. Big baseball fan. Brooks was born on my birthday, May 18. Not looking forward to that day anymore... But anyways, little did I know that Brooks Robinson's birthdate is ............ May 18. Didn't know that until we went to a card show in Vegas when my son was about 4. Told the story to Brooks Robinson and he actually took Brooks from me for about a 1/2 hour of the show. I wonder how many people took pictures and thought Brooks was his grandson. I kept going back saying I'll take him now, but he kept saying they were having a good time. Good memories....gotta remember all of those, although I'm afraid too.

[Jeff's Mom]

Jeffrey means, "God's Grace". "God's Gift", or "Peace". We chose our sons name because it felt right. I just knew when I held him that his name was that. Oh, he was a beauty. A lovely baby. Captivating character and personality. A true gift. Sent out a vibe of goodness that was all encompassing.

[wgreenlee]

Not sure what I should say. Do I relate how my son died? I'd rather talk about how he lived, but ignoring the fact he was murdered seems to be my mantra right now. Probably not too healthy... So gentle, loving, helpful to others. He was even helping out a friend at the time... There were 100s of people at his viewing and funeral and I was so proud of him. I wanted to be so strong at his Celebration, but the parking lot was so full. Almost like he was helping me. I love him so much I even made his casket. And I want him back! I visit his grave and he's only 6 ft away and I want to dig it up and see him again.

Everyone says that I'm being so strong, but I don't want to be. I want to go back three weeks and start again. I mean, I talked with him about 1/2 an hour before he was gone. How is that possible?

[Jeff's Mom]

Not sure what I should say. Do I relate how my son died? I'd rather talk about how he lived, but ignoring the fact he was murdered seems to be my mantra right now. Probably not too healthy... So gentle, loving, helpful to others. He was even helping out a friend at the time... There were 100s of people at his viewing and funeral and I was so proud of him. I wanted to be so strong at his Celebration, but the parking lot was so full. Almost like he was helping me. I love him so much I even made his casket. And I want him back! I visit his grave and he's only 6 ft away and I want to dig it up and see him again.

Everyone says that I'm being so strong, but I don't want to be. I want to go back three weeks and start again. I mean, I talked with him about 1/2 an hour before he was gone. How is that possible?

Yes, talk about how he lived and how you remember him. His life mattered. He will always matter. It is so soon after his passing. You are still in shock. We are holding you close and please know that we are here as you go through this initial first stage. I know the shock is great. The reality is even harder. Stay strong. I too understand your pain. We performed CPR on our son as he lay dying. I still after all this time am struggling to accept his death. I can only say that I hope that you will please feel comfortable in coming here to talk about your hurt. We are here to help you. I know that at times we may seem to be fairly happy, but some of us are further along. We are here to offer hope to those that life can and will get better after a time of healing. It's ok to break down here. Rant, scream, cry... do whatever you need to do to find peace again in your life. Hold tight...it takes a huge amount of time. Sending warm thoughts to all.Kate

[ericasmom]

wgreenlee, Brooks is a fine name, a strong name. I love the fact that you two share that same birthday with a baseball great. Wonderful.

As far as what you should say here???This is up to you, some days you may want to talk about the way Brooks died, but one old friend I met here a long while ago used to say, " He was so much more than the day or the way he died."

Our children are indeed, so much more than that day.

You can tell us any part of the life of Brooks. It is your story to tell.

[wgreenlee]

Thank you Kate. I'm actually an impressively optimistic man, (teach 8th grade )and maybe that's part of the problem. I'm helping everyone else...his girlfriend and her children, friends, parents of friends... I'm not sure I want to grieve because then it becomes reality. I don't think we ever went more than a couple of days without talking. I told the people at his Celebration I would be at peace, because I am a believer that he is in God's arms right now. Like our pastor said...you can feel however you want, because this should never have happened to you. I want so much to listen to his songs, replay his voicemail, look at all the videos of him posted on FB by his friends...but I can't...and I feel less for all of that. After the detectives let us pick up his truck, I saw 30 cents in his cupholder and I've kept it in my pocket ever since. I'll never be able to give him money anymore, even though he didn't ask for it. He was my only child and I'm so sad for that.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hang on my friend, you will get to a point that this pain will begin to ease. I too carry my son's good luck four leaf clover and a medal that is personal to our family. He carried it in his wallet. Please keep posting as it really helps to connect with those that are walking this path. Talk to you soon. Kate

[wgreenlee]

Might seem silly, but thank you Kate. Made my evening better knowing that there are people who will help me. Never needed much help in my life...

And thank you Dee, as well.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Been a rough night. It's Homecoming. I forgot. I went to facebook and there were all the pictures of friends and family so proud of their Daughters in their dresses and Sons in their suits. It's not that I'm not happy for them or that I don't want them to be happy. I just miss my Tris so much. It makes me think of all she's missing... All I'm missing not having her here. It's so hard. My Sister posted a picture of herself hanging out, having drinks with some friends and I catch myself thinking how can she be so happy? And then I remember it's because her Daughter is at Homecoming. Am I horrible for feeling that? I love my Sister. She has been supportive and I know she loves Trista. I love my niece and I'm glad they're both having a great time tonight. I'm just so sad and angry at the unfairness of it. Why is my Daughter not here too? It not that I'm angry that they are happy. I just want my family back the way we were before. I want to go back that time when we were not missing Trista. I don't know. I don't want to sound like I'm saying no one should be happy. I'm sure you all know what I mean.

Wgreenlee,

I'm glad you found this place. Please share whenever you need, whatever you need. This place has been such a blessing to me as everyone here is so understanding and supportive. We all know this pain.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Thanks Shannon. Your daughter is beautiful and I am very sorry for your loss. I never really knew what that meant until now. Always something I said to someone else, and even though I meant it, it just isn't the same now. Rough night here too. I see Brooks in everything. I'm good when I'm busy, but today really sucked. I don't even want to put Brooks' picture on the profile because I don't think I could post very often. We have all these pictures and I just avoid them now. I do a football pool for my school and I was uploading all the picks just now, and of course, there was Brooks' picks the day before he died. Went to the hardware store today to stay busy, paid with my credit card, and the guy asks if I'm Brooks' dad, and he's sorry for my loss. I did upload a picture to the galleries of the casket we made for him so that was good. I don't swear normally, but I find myself just yelling out, "What the ...! This isn't happening." I really thought I was going to be at peace after the Celebration. Even said that to everyone. Probably so they would feel better... One of the local restaurants even volunteered to cater it and I thought that was so cool. I guess the daughter knew Brooks. But now it's not so cool because he's gone and I'll never talk with him again. This really sucks and I'm always so optimistic. This just isn't me. I've never been "lost" my whole life. God, I can't stand this... I've lost 10 pounds since his death. What an ugly word. Now, I don't even want to post this, because it's such a downer, but if I don't then my healing won't begin either. I want to be inspirational for everyone here. My next post is going to be better.

[wgreenlee]

Uploaded Brooks' photo. Yeh! Let the healing begin... Much more positive than the last one.

[wgreenlee]

My son was named after the bull rider Lane Frost, and Lane's middle name is my maiden name. Lane loved the movie 8 Seconds, the story of Lane Frost.

I am not having a great day, i feel very anxious and frustrated, i feel as though i am wishing my days away for time to go by so i can deal with the pain better, and i miss my Laney so much.

Thank you for the story of your son's name. One of my son's friends posted a YouTube video of his story on Brooks' FB page after his death. I am praying for you in a major way.

Wade

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

Thank you for sharing the picture of Brooks. He is very handsome. I also looked at the picture of the casket you made for him. It is so beautiful...Such a labor of Love.

Never feel bad about sharing how you are really feeling here. I try to be positive as much as I can and sometimes I really mean it but the great thing about this place is that we are all on this same journey. We all understand. When we are having a low day someone else here is feeling maybe a little stronger and can hold out their hand.

I understand the need to just yell out. For me it was just yelling NO NO NO! Sometimes I still do but it's more of whisper now. The screaming happens in my head.

Again, I'm glad you're here. This place has been a life line. Share as much about Brooks as you want as you're ready to. We all love to share about our Kids and learn about each others.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Shannon,

That's the nicest...bestest....thing anyone has said during this whole time, and I mean that. Maybe tonight I'll get some sleep knowing that I can get some peace on here tomorrow. Thank you so much!

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd share a story about Brooks. I go up to Alaska and commercial fish for salmon during the summer. I get a frantic phone call from my son that their cat, Dragon, has this huge abscess and he's in a lot of pain. So, I'm like what do you want me to do. He was looking for advice. Now, I'm a good, caring person, but I'm not that into cats even though we have one that will fetch a tinfoil ball, drop it at your feet, and wait for you to throw it again. So I told him that the vet is going to cost quite a bit, but I would pay if they really wanted to go that route. I'm thinking Dragon should be put down. He decides to take Dragon in to the vet. The vet does his business and gives Brooks a $400 bill, but Dragon is going to live. My son sends me pics of the wound....like I really want to see that....and then tells me he made arrangements to pay the vet bill in installments. Over the next few weeks we talk about Dragon's care and Brooks sends me more pics of him cleaning the wound and taking care of Dragon. My son is 24 years old and I didn't know this about him. I knew how caring he was for his family and others, but not this. I was so ashamed at thinking of having his cat put down. He was so proud too. And I was even prouder. Told the story to my teacher friends, most of whom had Brooks in class, and they just said that's Brooks. How did I miss that? During the last few weeks people have come up to me or posted on FB a lot more about the little things my son did for others. One of his friends asked me if during HS did I ever think I was feeding more people at my house. Evidently, Brooks was taking him home every day and providing him with lunch, because his family was struggling a little. He then said he would be honored to be a pallbearer. It seems I missed so much even though we were almost inseparable at times.

My son had everything going for him; good looks, great personality, loving family, lots of friends, baseball scholarship to college, but of course he wasn't perfect. He developed an addiction to drugs after school that derailed his plans a little. He and I worked on that for the last five or so years and he was finally clean. Tested him enough... He wanted to be such a good dad for his girlfriend's kids. He took them to their open house and went to parent conferences. His girlfriend is 36 so she also had a 17 year old boy, and he even went to his open house. I wonder what he said to his teachers when he met them. I was going to ask him that. The Wednesday after his death he was planning on taking Michael to his senior year open house. Notebooks were left at the Celebration of Life for people to write memories and Michael wrote about five pages. I started to read it last week, but got through only about half a page. Here you have a 17 year old boy and his mom is hanging out with a young dude who's trying to be a father figure to you. I don't think that would set right with me at that age, but he adored my son. They were more like brothers, I guess, but he started out by saying how Brooks had changed their family so much for the better, and how good he was for his mom....that's where I had stop, but again I was so proud. I knew that he was trying so hard to be a good father, because we would talk about it almost every night, but I didn't know that. I miss him and wish I could talk to him now and tell him again how proud I am. He posted a picture on FB of some meals he made the kids...like a chicken breast on top of pasta. I'm going to miss those little things. There's a whole bunch of those notebooks, but I'm afraid to read them. I don't like feeling this way. When will I be strong enough? Thank you for "listening".

Wade

[JD's Mom, Becky]

In life... Click on thumbnails for larger image.

In death....

In Paradise...

My youngest son, Jared Daniel West, (J.D.)

All four of my children's names begin with the letter"J", we chose Daniel for his middle name,

as this was the name of the doctor that delivered him. I gave birth to him at age 41, and I am insulin dependent diabetic, having miscarried several times between his 6 year older sister and him, we considered him a miracle!

Born to earth, April 23rd, 1996, Reborn to heaven, October 3rd, 2011

15 years, 5 months, and 11 days old

15 +5 +11 = 31, the age of the (IMO) inattentive driver that killed him.

Autopsy Case # 11-7423

7-11, his only sister's birthday,

4-23, his birthday

This was on a piece of paper tape stuck on his chest in autopsy photos.

JARED

GENDER: Masculine

USAGE: English, Biblical

From the Hebrew name יָרֶד (Yared) or יֶרֶד (Yered) meaning "descent".

This is the name of a close descendent of Adam in the Old Testament

DANIEL

GENDER: Masculine

USAGE: English, Hebrew, French, German, Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, Polish, Czech, Spanish,

Portuguese, Romanian, Slovene, Croatian, Macedonian, Armenian,Georgian, Biblical, Biblical Greek

Meaning & History

From the Hebrew name דָּנִיֵּאל (Daniyyel) meaning "God is my judge". Daniel was a Hebrew prophet whose story is told in the Book of Daniel in the Old Testament. He lived during the Jewish captivity in Babylon, where he served in the court of the king, rising to prominence by interpreting the king's dreams. The book also presents Daniel's four visions of the end of the world.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Share this with your friends!

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, hold on. I know it is so hard. Sending huge "HUGS" today. Please try to focus on the fact he is in heaven that is just so awesome and wonderful. You'll see him again. Oh my Wade, Brook sounds like he left quite a legacy. His input into the lives of his gf's children will definitely live on. He made a positive difference. He sounds like he was a great young man with a strong sense of determination by licking his addiction. And also showed compassion for all living things. Thanks for sharing this with us.

[lovU2themoon]

Wade, i can feel the love you had for your son when i look at the picture of his casket. I am new here and my pain is so fresh, and raw, i am glad i found this site.

Not everything i write is always positive, cause i am at times overwhelmed by the pain and heartache, but i get comfort writing my feelings down knowing that others know my pain.

Shannon, i too look at family/friends and wonder, how can you be so happy, Lane died. and i am not happy, a bunch of them were at a block party last night, and yes i was invited but to exhausted to go and same thing, not fair Lane would have loved to go. I know life doesn't stop, but for me is did. in 60 seconds, my life changed, and here i am trying to pick up the pieces and at least start eating again.

I just am so sad...i too want my family back the way we were, this is most horrendous time of my life. what kind of happiness lies ahead without my Lane???

[Jeff's Mom]

There has not been one waking moment of every day since Jeff died that my heart has not hurt with the ache of his absence. The first several months I was just raw with grief. Floating in a surreal trance. It was far to painful to face it head on and so I tried to keep as busy as I could but it was only masking the underlying heartache. Dee has mentioned many times that there is no way around this but straight through the middle. It takes a huge amount of effort and determination to push ourselves forward. Slowly, in time... the pain begins to change. It softens and memories are not as difficult to reflect upon. The tears are tears of so much love and pride that we share for our beautiful child that we brought into this life. If we have faith and are able to hold onto that it can help to give us a huge amount of comfort and a certain knowledge that this is only temporary. That we will indeed be with them again in time. So, take heart and as hard as it is...be good to yourselves for the sake of your child. They would want that for you. Love, Kate