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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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This SPAM has happened before, I am sure that Konnie is trying to rid our site of it...it is probably a more stubborn kind of SPAM.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

It looks like most of the site is cleaned up from the spam...thanks konnie

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JD's Mom, Becky

Thanks, Konnie!!!

It looks like most of the site is cleaned up from the spam...thanks konnie

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Thanks Konnie, that was truly weird and disturbing.

Pam, it is lovely to see you today. I am looking forward to checking out the site where Andy's story lives. WOnderful.

Shannon, I love the poem that Dani left in honor of her beloved cousin. How wonderful to be able to see the love that pours from those who love her alongside you. Important, bittersweet words. Love that your little guy got to enjoy the toys that you rearranged for him. I know that all duties we did prior to our Child leaving feel so heavy and hard to do, they bring the memories of our Lost Child so painful and close that we let some of it sit so as not to feel the weight of it, but then we find we still have to live and provide for others and we do the jobs. In those times, we sometimes find the goodness in those memories. Remember though, the work that once seemed just a daily thing was done when we had more physical and mental energy. Your energy has to be distributed so that it holds for the full day. SO much to learn in grief, not the least of it is how we change.

Susan, loved your Shock-suit analogy. So true, we feel things anew when that shock goes away. I hope that the football game was a delight. I know it meant a lot to your Grandboy for you to be there, and sitting right there with you was your John David.

Gretchen good to see you. Love the memorial too, and glad to see you reposting it. It is an inspiration.

Newbie, I am very sorry for the pain and loss you are going through. We will hold your hand as you find your way and help you through those toughest days and nights if we can. Come back and tell us more about your Sweet Child. I know that others have been here who were in your similar position of being a lifetime caregiver to your child with special needs. I hope you will come back and join this large and loving family.

Kate, so glad that you enjoyed the lightening show, we are experiencing the same weather patterns. Today we are having more rain and still humid of course, but it will get less so as we move through the next few days and by school time on Tuesday, it should be in the 70's all day. Thank Heavens. It was nearly 100 degrees in my classroom for 5 days. I was so darn tired and wiped out as were the kids. Five students went home in the first three days sick from the heat. Ridiculous to have school in August if you are not going to invest in some air conditioning. The class seems great, nice kids and funny too. One has had some deep trauma, he is new to the district and I am slowly getting some info from him. Poor Sweetie, I am so glad he has landed with me.

I miss being here more often though, I think of you all during the day when I normally would be chatting with you.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I do hope the weather makes a turn for the 'cool' where you live...how many times I have wondered the same thing...why start school in August...which pushes up the time football practice can start....we always started after Labor Day....if only they would let me be 'Boss of the World??'.....and so many players have heat stroke..etc....

Laurie...and Gretchen...both of you hit on something that I have pondered...and am sure so many others....'The Rite of Grief' is a sacred event in so many cultures...and here in the USA...people would wear black...and men would wear arm bands...there would be a black wreath on the door...and there would be reverence and respect for the mourners.......and now...somehow it seems as if it is all steamrolled...and move on.

Gretchen...I love your chickens...have wanted some myself...who knows...maybe it will be on the horizon. If what I think means anything...and believe me....I think I have earned my 'Wisdom Scars'...I don't have the deep wisdom my Grama had....for I quote many things she said...but I have made so many mistakes...so many bad choices...been on so many bad roads...wrong turns...and that leads to experience...which leads to wisdom but I think you are doing 'just fine'...really....it's like I tell people...I am not abnormal...I am just mourning. I have grief. I have sad. I have mad. I have tears. I am not crazy. I am not mean. I am not violent. I am a Mama that lost her SONshine.

Of course people will see 'sad'. They should. People will hear a catch in my voice. They should. People will see me look the other way. They should.

They should not tell me to 'go see a Specialist'....I am smart enough to know...that Specialist...Dr....Counselor...isn't going to bring him back..and they aren't going to make me feel better. Just leave me alone...and I will learn to find my way in this foreign land myself....with the help of friends like you on this site....that knows what I am going through. Everyone on this site has done me more good than sitting in a pew of a church for 200 Sundays....and don't take that wrong...it is just that our Pastor has not lost a child. We will find our footing...I will find my own way of coping ....I will...yes...people can love and support me...but they can't do what I have to do.

Now...I have no problems with people going for 'help'....if I thought there was a pill out there to help me I would take them by the hands full. I do believe there are many that can be helped over their bridges by some very savvy Doctors and Mental Health Specialists and they do a lot of good. I think some can do a lot of harm. I have had some friends that have been served a lot of hurt and harm...with pills....and all they really needed was a long conversation and a cup of coffee.

More later....have kids in the pool...

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Thanks Susan, I too am hopeful for less humidity and heat. Crazy to start school so early. Part of why school systems are doing this is to front-load information before some of the tests that are given...the standardized bull-crap that our children are subjected and judged by. The other reason is for sports, many have said that kids hoping for sports scholarships need school to start earlier so that games can be played and scouts can see those talented players before a specific date???Don't know, but what I do know is no kids are learning anything useful when it is nearly 100 in a classroom. Dumb-asses who make the decisions just are so far away from the reality for a child, for a teacher.

Anyhow, I do disagree with you Susan, you are wise like your Grandmom. You quote her often because she is wise, and you have taken her wise words to heart which shows how smart you are to do so. But you my dear, offer some great advice and wise words everyday, so I would bet that your Grandma is quite proud of you, picking up the torch where she left off.

I do see a therapist but she is one of those most wonderful ones, and I am thankful for her flexibility to see me for months at a time in between the years. I go along and then begin to feel my anxiety taking away my ability to live as well as I could, so I go back and work to incorporate some new tools into my life through her assistance and care. For me, she has helped me see who I am now, and in each iteration of my grief, each time I have gone back, she has helped me see the road, the path so that I can see where I have been. It was she that helped me understand that the early abuse in my life has set me up for PTSD with any traumas, and certainly Eri's death is trauma enough to respond with PTSD, but she feels that that imprint of trauma to my spirit and soul at so young an age left me scared of everything and she is right. I have been afraid of so much all of my life.

Like you and like many, I have made some awful choices, have done some bad things and have taken some big risks even though I was afraid of everything, I have had to claw my way out of the depths of my own doings, and here we are, good humans with pieces missing. I assure you in those spaces that feel so empty, there will grow new parts and you will let them grow because you will feel your Sweetie cheering you on to let life grow around you again.

Look what happens when I cannot get on during the week and I am bone tired at night- I jabber on and on. I slept for 11 hours last night, ELEVEN!

Gretchen, you do what is best for you, you know yourself quite well, and no, you do not need assistance if that is not what feels like a good plan to you. I like the way you are working on your new theory, keep us posted on how it feels.

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Kate, the flash lightening sounds beautiful. I know since the loss of Cara, I see the beauty in everything. I always have my head in the clouds, literally. I guess I hope some day I will see Cara there. Glad your husband is feeling better and was able to go to Jeff's memorial spot.

Becky, thanks for getting emailing Konnie and getting that garbage off of here. I think alot of the spam that comes on here is computer generated. Thanks again.

Carol, how are you doing? I know yesterday was a hard day and on top of the grief for your sister Dorothy. Praying for you.

I thought I had a day off on Monday and then was asked to work. I think I am a workaholic. Everyone enjoy your Labor Day.

I am always taking pictures of the clouds, they are so beautiful and fluffy. These pictures were taken at the cemetery. Sometimes they are so close, I feel like I could reach up and touch one.

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Lora, thanks for posting the pics. They are just beautiful. Sorry that you have to work on Monday. I would like you to do a favor for yourself...take a day to just do something special for yourself. Use a special holiday to go out and do something special that you will remember. Start a tradition of a kind. Make it a yearly event. You've earned it! Have a lovely weekend. Dee, sending warm wishes and thoughts for a very pleasant day tomorrow. Hope you have plans for a special walk, or time spent with your sweetie. We did manage to make it into the site today. It was lovely. We sat on the bench looking out over the vast expanse of water and sky. The scene was breathtaking. Every now and then our thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a passing gull or the sight of a large pelican. As we sat and reflected on it all we came to the understanding that it is after all about one day at a time. Each and every moment taken as a blessing to be used as we deem fit. How we use it is up to us. Life is so precious as we all know. Use it and embrace it with love and appreciation.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

My Song for Kristen
I picked up a shell,
I put it to my ear,
The tears of my sorrow
Were the only sounds I could hear.
With sharing there were flowers,
The ones that you would bring.
It's your memory that I think of
It's to you this song I sing.
You loved the ocean
You loved a rose
You loved the springtime
All the secrets that it told.
You loved your mother
Your brother and your friends.
Who could have told me
What you loved would bring your end.

Castles and fairy tales
To you they seemed so real.
Little child of beauty
the emotions you made me feel.
Your smile was like a candle
It shone with so much life.
There are questions in my mind,
Answers that don't seem right.
So I'll take this song I'm singing
Take this song I'm bringing
I'll Kristen the sea
And with your name,
Kristen the ocean with all my pain.
I'll wave good-bye to morning,
Wave good-bye to the sea,
Wave good-bye, say good-bye,
To a part of me.

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laurie what a beautiful poem.

Who could have told me

What you loved would bring your end.

in a way that line fits forest too...as his girlfriend was driving, forest was asleep.

kate this line that i really love is a beauty out of a jack white song and is so appropriate for you and reminds me to be there for my loved ones also

"every breath that is in your lungs

is a tiny little gift to me "

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The words here wrap me in the undeniable gift that Eddie Vedder's songs offer-Lyrics to a favorite song of mine written by the amazing, Eddie Vedder;

Long Road by Eddie Vedder with Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

And I wished for so long, cannot stay...

All the precious moments, cannot stay...

It's not like wings have fallen, cannot stay...

But I feel something's missing, cannot say...

Holding hands are daughters and sons

And their faiths just falling down, down, down, down...

I have wished for so long

How I wish for you today

We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...

There's no need to say goodbye...

All the friends and family

All the memories going round, round, round, round

I have wished for so long

How I wish for you today

And the wind keeps roaring

And the sky keeps turning gray

And the sun is set

The sun will rise another day...

We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...

There's no need to say goodbye...

All the friends and family

All the memories going round, round, round, round

I have wished for so long

How I wish for you today

How I've wished for so long

How I wish for you today

We all walk the long road (3x)

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Kate, it sounds like a lovely day, so glad that you were able to sit at the bench area and take in the quiet beauty.

Lora, how is Jared doing in Chicago? Have his classes begun?

Shannon, I forgot to mention that the story of the couple who own the flower shop brought a huge smile to my heart and tears to my eyes. What special people they are, touched by Trista.

Sherry, our garden hums all day and night with cicadas and with crickets and I think with tree frogs, but am unsure of that. The dahlias are lovely and the nicotiana are most fragrant in the evening, the anemone are making a comeback, both the pink and the whites... the autumn clematis is climbing and already starting to bloom white delicate petals. The very large broadwing swallowtail has been about as has the very large hummingbird moth whose name escapes me now. So cool to watch though. Acorns are coming down like rain, the ground so dry this August, just rained yesterday and some today, that's about it for August.

Carol, I do hope that you are well, that you are finding your way with your two heavenly guides setting clues and love all around you.

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Guest Trista's_Mom

Laurie,

I have read quite a bit on Carol Kearns website after you mentioned her. There is a lot on there that I've found very helpful. I haven't read any of her books though. Thank you for sharing the poem. It is beautiful. The line you highlighted:

Who could have told me

What you loved would bring your end.

It does somewhat fit for Tris as well because her very best friend, the first friend she made when we moved here was driving.

Trista didn't even have a drivers license. She had a lot of anxiety about driving. She had decided to wait until she turned 18.

Kate,

I love a good lightening storm too. I'm so glad you and your husband were able to enjoy some peaceful time together. The scene you described at Jeff's memorial site today sounds so beautiful.

Lora,

I love your cloud pictures. I am always taking pictures of the clouds as well, always looking to the sky, like you, trying to catch a glimpse of my Girl.

I always have that Joni Mitchell song pop in my head:

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Gretchen,

I see a therapist but it has much more to do with PTSD and anxiety than grief. I don't know that grief can be "fixed" with therapy. My story is somewhat similar to Dee's in that I had layers of trauma starting from childhood which have now come to the surface. I also love the way you described the way you are looking at life right now. It actually touched me very deeply because that is such a struggle for me, wanting to be here for my boys and wanting to be with Trista at one and the same time. I agree that you know what you need better than anyone else.

Dee,

It was so good to see your post today. I hope for cooler days for you as well.

This weekend has been rough so far. I'm adjusting to being completely alone with my boys which requires me to be more involved since I'm all they have. I'm doing it though and I have to say, it has been helpful to me. It's also the three month mark. Today was the 13 week mark and tomorrow 3 months. Saturdays are tough anyway and then it is a holiday weekend. Is it "normal" (and I use that word loosely for lack of a better one) to be so affected by these marks on the calendar? I just miss her so and the fact that the world keeps moving forward is just so painful. It seems so wrong. Like some Universal Law has been broken. I did have a couple of beautiful blessings this weekend that really helped with finding out about the couple who goes to sit with my girl and the poem Trista's cousin wrote. Both these things did soothe my heart.

Our town fireworks were tonight. They had to cancel them on the fourth because of rain. I had a woman from town invite me to watch with her but I really didn't think I could, not yet... Too many happy families. I felt a little guilty because Aiden loves fireworks but I just couldn't do it. I sat on my deck and could hear them but couldn't see anything. I happened to walk inside and look out my front window and I could see fireworks. We've never been able to see them from our house. Too many trees. But there was a circle clearing in the branches and right centered in that circle were the fireworks. It couldn't have been more perfect if they had planned the display just for us. I took it as a sign so I grabbed Aiden and we got outside just in time to sit on our front sidewalk and watch the Finale. Aiden was so happy. He was dancing up and down the sidewalk singing. Then he sat down beside me and said, "I love fireworks, Mommy! Don't you?" It's like the Universe was saying, "Ok, if you won't take this kid to the fireworks we will bring them to you!"

Goodnight. Wishing everyone a peaceful sleep and sweet dreams of Angels.

Shannon

This is a picture of a dragonfly hanging out in Trista's garden. There were at least 6 or 8 out there today. They're so fast it's hard to count but this one was content just to rest in the sun in her garden for at least an hour. He would take a quick zip around the yard and then come right back to almost the same spot. It's funny because just behind him there is a dragonfly solar light. You can't see it in the picture but he would always land right in front of it.

post-328114-0-97504300-1378015322_thumb.

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Dee,

Thank you for posting that song tonight. So beautiful and so perfect. I also loved your description of your garden. It sounds beautiful. Reading it I could almost see it.

Shannon

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i failed to mention i have nothing against therapy, i have been in therapy more than once and found it very helpful, i just don't think this is something i need therapy for. i am on antidepressants already, have been for nearly 20 years.

the first year or more after forest died i would get lost driving to the bank, my daughter's, my own home, i couldn't do my job well at all etc. etc. i still don't have the brain power for complex problems and very abstract thinking. i just quit trying. i do feel that little by little my cognitive skills are returning, just not very quickly. they may never be what they were but i don't care anymore. it is for me just one of the consequences of losing my son. the shock was too much i think. it did turn my hair gray just like in those crazy spook stories you heard around campfires.

anyway i do see progress in regaining my faculties. the emotional stuff and how i am going to live with this is just something i have to figure out myself. i read lots of things from grief books to quantum physics trying to find something i can believe in enough to live with. i just have to try things on and see how they fit and if i like looking at life this way or that. this site gives me lots of insight and comfort, viewpoints i might not have considered, emotional support and validation. ya'll are walking in the same shoes and i think i might be resentful of someone that hasn't trying to tell me how to do it. so...thanks guys i love you all

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I have come to terms with the fact that I will always suffer from a form of anxiety. It is very hard work to try to keep moving and put one foot in front of the other after suffering such a loss. After this period of time it does appear to be getting a little easier. Yet, there are still times that I find it would be so easy to sink back into a hole again. When I do think about that night that Jeff died... I am filled with disbelief. Even to this day I have to block. It is far too painful. To vividly remember trying to perform CPR on him and losing him under our very hands...well, the pain is more than I can take. I have come to force myself to focus on all of the beautiful memories and times we shared. Oh, there were things and times that were not perfect. But what in life is? If I lived a perfect life then I would be with him. No parent should ever have to perform CPR on their own child to save them. I can not begin to imagine how difficult it is for medical personnel to work on a daily basis facing these situations. But to have to try to save your own child. Well, that is way too hard to deal with. So Gretchen, you are doing really, really well. You managed throughout your pain to focus and build a beautiful lasting tribute to your son. It shows in the effort and love that you poured into it. Aging from this type of heartache is perfectly normal. My hair was once very thick. Today it has thinned noticeably. I have dark circles under my eyes all of the time. I carry this hurt in my heart daily. But after this period of time I know that it is something that is for me to shoulder on my own for the most part. My memory is very much like yours. For two years it was absolute mush. I forgot everything. The most simple of tasks caused me to go into a huge state of anxiety for fear of forgetting everything. And I did. I needed help over that period. I would forget literally my own PIN number at the bank, I would walk from room to room forgetting why I had left the room in the first place. It was awful. And it takes a lot of effort and work to get through this initial stage. It does not go away by itself. It takes time. It truly does. Well, we were treated to a great fireworks display last night. Unfortunately we were unable to actually go to the event but the view from our home over the lake was perfect. it was magical. I love how elaborate these displays have become. We are off to the city today to the Art Gallery to see an exhibition of 100 Masters. I am hoping we can focus on only those that interest us. I will grab a wheelchair if necessary and hopefully things will go well. Have a decent day everyone. Kate

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Gretchen, wish we could all sit in the garden and share our stories over a pot of strong coffee. As far as regaining all of our faculties, we regain, as you said, slowly, shock destroys some of them, leaving tiny fibers from which to grow some new threads. Like those who had a stroke really, parts of our brains/spirits were blacked out. Brain studies do lean toward repairing brain injuries, similar to those Erica suffered and died from, but what about brains that go through emotional trauma. Those injuries lay deeper and become part of our DNA I think, they find a home in each cell in our bodies, each blood vessel pumped from our hearts has a little link to our losses-unchangable.Just as each vessel holds that amazing link to our children and our love. And why would we change that anyway? It is after-all, who we are now.

Shannon, I love that you were able to watch the fireworks with Aidan afterall, I think the clearing was helped by Trista. How lovely. The dragonfly is gorgeous, I have had none of these this year, saddened by the lack of dragonflies and butterflies, both the variety and the numbers. Our yard used to host so many variety of each. Hopefully next year we will see more. I think that it hanging out near the dragonfly solar light is a nice sign.

Lora, while you work today I am looking at the sky and seeking the glory in the clouds, I too take many sky photos, always seeking and amazed by the changes in the sky and clouds. Hope your day is very good.

Laurie, how are you today? was it you who sent a pretty poem yesterday? Thanks for that, it was lovely.

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So Friday I was at the viewing for my cousins baby boy. Being that this coming friday will br my son's second angel day things have been a bit rough. None the less I felt it was very important to help him ss he begins this treatorous journey we find ourselves on. As I'm preparing to leave at the end of the day, I go looking for my mother to say goodbye. I find her and as I approach, I hear her telling some woman that it is my fault that my son is gone. I of course am completely baffeled by what I hear so I simply walk away. The following day at the funeral she completely ignores me. Then later in the day tries to lie to me about what she said. Needles to say I am completely destroted, as is the relationship I have with my mother. I just can't understand how she can blame me for an asthma attack. Now not only am I feeling a little more alone, but I'm also feeling guilty again. I feel like I just got knocked back to square one.

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Mata77,

I'm so sorry to hear of all you're dealing with right now... Grieving for that precious baby, offering support to your cousin, the hurt caused by the situation with your Mom, and all this while grieving the loss of your own Son and dealing with the emotions surrounding his approaching Angel Day. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry about what you overheard your Mother saying. As if we as parents don't beat ourselves up enough at times with all the would haves, should haves, and could haves. I know I have changed history a million times in my head. Continued thoughts and prayers as you deal with all this.

Shannon

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Hello Indigo Friends-

M.Matta - my heart to you as you mentioned attending your cousin's boy's services. How heartbreaking that must have been. I pray the relationship with your mother improves.

Shannon - what a wonderful gift to see the fireworks from your house! A gift from Trista I would say!

Lora - thinking of you and loved the beautiful cloud pictures.

Gretchen - I too have been on antidepressants since I had post-partum depression after my second daughter was born. Kate and Dee and Shannon too I believe talked about anxiety and PTSD. I recently started going back to a grief therapist because this summer I have been extremely anxious.

I like your outlook, Gretchen, where you decided you would enjoy your time with the people that are here!

If I may ask Kate, Dee and Shannon: How does your anxiety present itself? This anxiety I am experiencing is very similar to that when Sarah was sick and things were not getting better for her. Do you think this kind of thing can return for whatever reason?

Carol - thinking of you at Mike's angelversary time. Prayers to you.

May you all enjoy your Labor Day the best that you can!

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Shellykut,

I've always had a sort of generalized anxiety/fear for as long as I can remember. After my first husband died I started having full blown panic attacks. Now, since Trista's accident it has developed into full blown PTSD. For me, it has always come in waves with periods of relative calm. My anxiety does seem to intensify in periods of extreme stress or emotion or sometimes for no reason I can really put my finger on. So I do think it can come and go.

Today is 3 months since I lost Trista. I wrote this poem for her today.

To Trista, My Summer Solstice Girl

In Memory of Trista

June 21, 1995 to June 1, 2013

Blond hair, blue eyes, the bluest blue of Summer Skies

My Summer Solstice Girl

I dreamed of you before you came

My Fairy Princess yet to be named

In my dream I saw your face

You pretty blue eyes reached deep to my soul

Before I woke

Just one word you spoke

“Mommy”

Your came to me just like my dream

My beautiful baby so precious and sweet

Around three years old, you looked at me

I remembered your face and I knew

It was really you

I met you first, deep in my sleep

I should have known you weren’t mine to keep

My Sweet, Sweet Summer Angel

Too precious for this world

You changed the world while you were here

For those who love you

And you’re changing it still

For some you never knew

You left this world on Angel’s Wings

To soar so high and fly so free

You took away a part of me

But someday soon I know

I’ll hold you in my arms again

And we’ll fly together as free as the wind

Until then, My Sweet Spirit Child

Dance in heaven free and wild

Run barefoot through the fields of flowers

With a halo of daisies to wear

In your golden summer hair

Thinking of everyone and sending wishes for a beautiful day.

Shannon

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Mata, I echo those who have said what is in my heart as well, I am sorry for the terrible pain in your family, in your heart, and the splice between your Momma and you. Is there any way that she did not say what you heard? Asthma is certainly nobody's fault for heaven's sakes. I am terribly sorry. Now it is time to try to take care of you.

Shelly, it came on for me several years, maybe three, after Eri died, I mean I had a lot of anxiety anyway, prior to her death and huge amounts afterwards, but when another young girl that my kids knew went missing in Alaska, (drown) I just started having the worst anxiety, all the replaying of sadness over and over and I was feeling that I was unable to cope, I went to the therapist I had seen after Eri died, actually first went to her when Eri was born, but on and off over the years during tough spots, anyhow, I described what I was experiencing and guessed it was PTSD and she confirmed it. Other things can trigger the Post trauma experience. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Three months is a long long time Shannon, to not see your Girl. Your poem and dedication is lovely, I am sure she is flitting about. It was at 3 months that I felt that I was shedding a large layer of shock. It frightened me but prepared me too, for the next layer a few months later.

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YIKES !! I've missed a lot of posts, and fear I may never catch up..... :mellow: . Anyhow,

I will try. The SPAM that appeared must have been all taken down before I came

on again. I have often wondered why we don't at least need a password to get on.

I believe that there had been some problems in the past.......several years ago.

They're 'sickies' with nothing better to do.....why don't they go play some video

games and leave us alone?? JERKS!! :angry:

Shannon-----Lovely poem you have written for Trista....such sweet & heartfelt

words. I know just what you mean about Trista's grave being the first in the

new area of the cemetery. When David died, the cemetery where he is buried

had just opened up a new area, and that is where his grave is located. My

sister chose the site for us (3 graves.....David's in the middle). The first time

that my husband and I went to visit the grave shortly after the funeral, there

it was----just a mound of dirt with fading flowers on top. That hit us so very

hard.....we just cried & cried...nearly collapsed. No other graves were in that section yet. The

grave is under a large oak tree. After these 10 years have gone by, there are

many other graves in the section, but I will never forget how lonely and desolate

his grave looked the first time we saw it. I know that you must have felt the same about

sweet Trista's grave. It is something that just resonates in the heart & soul.

Peace to you. friend.

Laurie and Susan----Thanks for the lovely poems.

Lora----Cara's clothing will no doubt be put to good use by needy young women

who desparately need a helping hand in starting to put their lives on track.

Kate----Glad that you have received some rain for your gardens.

Newbie17-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son. You have found a good

site here......where everyone knows, firsthand, the pain and sorrow of losing

their beloved children. Please come back when you can.

Pam-----Nice to see Andy's sunny smile.

Dee-----With the temps being so very high in the classroom, it's a wonder that

they didn't cancel school due to health concerns. I sure hope that it will be

cool when you go back. Glad that you were able to get some good sleep. I've

been soooo busy with canning. Hope I'm about finished for the summer.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Sherry, I figured you were busy canning, what did you can this year? What a wonderful task, well maybe not fun, but wonderful that you and your Husband carry on feeding the family with homegrown goods all winter.

Yes, it is a wonder as to why school is on when they won't spend the money on air conditioning. Our district is spending 2 million on technology, probably 250, 000 on new furniture for many schools, but no, not cost effective they say to put air in. Wants and Needs seem to have gotten mixed up.

When we had to pick a spot out for Erica, similarly, we chose the newer section in an old cemetery. She is under three oak trees and a small pond area lays at the bottom of the hill she is on. Very few were there, but it was shady and quiet and woodpeckers and blue jays were about. Now there are many, so many. Several of them young.

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MIKE MIKE MIKE

and

MIKE MIKE MIKE

Two amazing souls together in Heaven, watching over the Family especially the Matriarch, whose love and warmth is a testament to All. Boys, keep sending signs to that lovely Lady you call Mom and you call Wife, both of you knowing that through it all she is a Best Friend to you Both. Hearts and VW's to you Boys.

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Oh Carol, sending you love with a heart shape. One day. Laurie...lovely pics. Hold strong everyone. We did indeed make it into the city to the Art Gallery. It was packed. The last two days of an amazing exhibition of 100 Master painters. Oh my, it did our heart good. It was organized so well and went without incident. We managed to make it through most of the exhibits. He lost steam at several points but was so determined to make it through. They had broken it into many different areas with chairs to sit on. He would not sit down until the end. I know I am facing what my heart is not accepting. My mind is forcing me to forage on. I need to be strong for him. It turned out to be a very good day in all. And tonight we are just relaxing and watching a British mystery. Tomorrow...well, who knows. We are going with the urge to do whatever. Love to all. Have a lovely holiday. Thinking of you all. Your friend, Kate

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JD's Mom, Becky

Mike, Mike, Mike!!! Mike Sr. that is. Happy Angelversary!! Carol, I think of you often, your journey, how you have shown us what a caring person you are, your example to all of us. I pray that your two Mikes will continue to shine down on you and watch over you.

This has been an exhausting weekend and it isn't over yet. Yesterday, we attended the funeral services for one of my neighbors, who happened to be the mother of my daughter's best friend. She was only 61, died on the operating table, having gone in for a stint in her heart, which was supposed to be routine, something they had done a million times, but she had a heart attack while being operated on, and they weren't able to bring her back. So very sad. We are trying to do all we can for them, as we know all too well the shock and pain of losing someone so suddenly.

Then today, we attended a BBQ that we used to go to every year this time. We missed the one in 2011, and then after we lost our Jared, we just didn't feel up to attending the following year either. It was good to see some folks we hadn't seen in a while, but bittersweet, as I could look around their yard and picture Jared there, playing and running with the other kids, as he did every year since he was big enough to walk. The last year he was there, which was in 2010, I can remember him so well, what he wore, his big ole smile, ever polite and loved to talk to our host, who was a local highschool football coach. Jared used to attend football practices with his dad, who at that time was the Defensive Coodinator for that coach, and Jared as a little five year old, would walk around letting the players know if they were slacking on their pushups! They loved him, and even took him in the weight room with them to show him around. My daughter today, caught me staring off into a corner of the yard, and says to me "come on, Mom, don't do that, we're going to have a good time". I told her, "we are having a good time, but I can't help but miss him". She understood, we all do, too well.

Tuesday it will be 23 months since I saw my boy. Still praying for justice. Haven't heard anything about that yet, and the waiting is driving me insane. I am just trying to keep myself busy.

Laurie, I love the memorial for Jesse David, just beautiful!

Shannon, Your poem was just precious.

To all the new ones here, my heart goes out to you. We understand, and are here to share with you and listen.

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Three months today for Shannon and twenty more for Becky. The numbers and how they dictate. Someone asked today if it is at all normal to be affected by the numbers and my answer is YES! When we were pregnant, we spoke in terms of weeks. How many weeks are you? When our Babies were born, we spoke in weeks and months, we continued with that even past the one year birthdays; 14 months, 18 months...so yes, we do the same on the other end of this arc. We begin our count in hours, days, weeks, months and at some point, usually after our second year mark, we begin to use years. Small increments, tiny steps forward and back, forward again.

Kate, sounds like a lovely day, one that will rest in your heart for a long while. Tomorrow, who knows, just going along and will adjust the sails when the winds change. Peace.

There is lightning off to the south this night. Big storms further south, a rumble here and there, but my eyes need to slam shut so I will not wait for the storm to pass over us.

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Carol,

I'm thinking of you during this time and saying Mike's name for his Angelversary. May you feel the love of both your Mikes all around you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I could do things with color and font but I am one of those who does not have that option. I wonder why?

Becky,

I can imagine all those first times doing certain things without your Son are difficult when all the memories coming flooding back. I haven't had to deal with much of that yet but it's coming I know. The story of Jared with the football players... priceless. Those memories and stories are what we hold close to our hearts.

Kate,

I'm thinking of you and your husband tonight.

Laurie,

The photos of Jesse's memorial site are beautiful. I'm glad it gives you comfort to know it is near the man you talk so sweetly of.

"....I find myself so resenting that time is marching forward...how dare another morning come without my son here...how dare another evening come without my son arriving at my back door...usually just in time for supper..."

I feel this way most of the time.

Sherry,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I kept trying to tell myself that it didn't really matter because I know Trista is not really there but it did matter. It was very painful. It is getting better as they get more done. There were no trees, no roads, no fences or gates, just an empty open field.

Dee,

Yes, I do think over the past couple weeks I have begun shedding a layer of shock. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that but it's happening regardless.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words about my poem to Trista. I was really struggling today and writing this to her helped. It's based on a dream I had before I even knew I was pregnant with her. I was in my bedroom at our old house, the one Tris grew up in for the most part. I realized there was a little girl in the room with me. She was beautiful with blond hair and blue eyes, probably about three years old. She looked at me and said, "Mommy". That was it. I don't know if I woke up then or if I just didn't remember any more than that. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I told everyone I was having a girl based on my dream. After that the dream was forgotten until one day when Tris was about three years old. We were in that same room. She called for me, "Mommy". I looked at her and suddenly it came back. It was her. It was the exact moment I had dreamed of. I knew for sure I had dreamed of her before I ever knew she was coming.

I went to Trista's site tonight. I took a pretty butterfly windchime, a little dragonfly garden stake, and a pretty hanging basket of coral bells and petunias. I worked at her site and then sat on a blanket until the sun went down and her solar lights came on and I lit her angel candle. As I was sitting there two of her close friends showed up. We sat and talked and laughed and cried. After they left I read Trista the poem I wrote to her and the one her cousin wrote. I had some dried rose petals from her garden that I had prayed over and poured my love into. I sprinkled those on the ground. It helped me get through the day. Sometimes I just feel her so close.

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Shannon

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Mata, I echo those who have said what is in my heart as well, I am sorry for the terrible pain in your family, in your heart, and the splice between your Momma and you. Is there any way that she did not say what you heard? Asthma is certainly nobody's fault for heaven's sakes. I am terribly sorry. Now it is time to try to take care of you.

Shelly, it came on for me several years, maybe three, after Eri died, I mean I had a lot of anxiety anyway, prior to her death and huge amounts afterwards, but when another young girl that my kids knew went missing in Alaska, (drown) I just started having the worst anxiety, all the replaying of sadness over and over and I was feeling that I was unable to cope, I went to the therapist I had seen after Eri died, actually first went to her when Eri was born, but on and off over the years during tough spots, anyhow, I described what I was experiencing and guessed it was PTSD and she confirmed it. Other things can trigger the Post trauma experience. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Three months is a long long time Shannon, to not see your Girl. Your poem and dedication is lovely, I am sure she is flitting about. It was at 3 months that I felt that I was shedding a large layer of shock. It frightened me but prepared me too, for the next layer a few months later.

Yes she admitted to it quite freely. No remorse at all.

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carol i guess you can tell all our thoughts are with you. i miss seeing you here and often wonder how you are.

shannon--the poem is lovely and the dream story just one more inkling there is more to the world than meets the eye.

tuesday will be 26 months since forest and ashlie died. i went to the cemetery today also. i had to make a trip to norman to help my daughter with some things so i took lunch out, wrote in the journal that is contained in forest's memorial and then i noticed in the field behind the pond sunflowers, snow on the mountain and small white asters. i took a walk there and picked a handful and brought them back to forest. so nice that nature provided them for me.

kate your day at the museum sounds so nice, wonderful place to enjoy each other's company.

shelly my new attitude seems to be holding me up pretty well. had a moment tonight watching my little granddaughter, remembering forest when he was little and wishing he could be here to see and play with her. he loves his little sister so and he was so excited...never even got to know it was a girl. (found out 2 days after he died) as i watched her sweet little hands and face i was suddenly and unexpectedly awash with a terrible sadness. my daughter caught it so i quickly regained my composure. i wouldn't want her to think madelyn caused me pain though i know she understands

laurie thank you for sharing jesse's lovely memorial. i don't recall seeing it before. you have surrounded it with so many beautiful things in such a peaceful spot.

good night all may angels visit your dreams

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Mermaid Tears

Carol...the amazing spirit that you bring to all of us here...I hope will sustain you ....it seems we all march and keep time in some other dimension...only understood by those who have another timepiece besides the calendar time....

Mata...please keep coming back to the site...none of us really knows how others can be so cruel...but it does make another crack in our already broken hearts...and it goes deeper with you for it was your Mom that did the speaking. Many times I have been knocked down to my knees...many times...I just stay there for awhile...til I have cried myself out...it helps just to let all the heartache and pain flow. Please let us know how you are doing.

Lora...loved the cloud photos....I, too, have become a 'Sky Watcher'..day and night time....I guess we look up for we know they aren't here on the ground...I will always seek....

I can only hope that you get a blessing from the fact that so many love the Memorial....all the tears and time you put into designing it...now may help other parents when they have to cross that bridge....you are lighting the way to help them remember their loved ones. No one gets a manual and all we can do is learn from each other.

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Mermaid Tears

sigh...everytime I sit to write...up I have to jump....

Dee...I am honored that you share some of your history...I have met people that tell me about their childhoods...and I am amazed they can 'walk, talk, eat and read'.....do not ever think I am against people seeking help when their boat is going down...we all can use that life line at times...I am against many that over medicate and turn people into walking zombies. The pill that doesn't heal.

I had a group of women come to see me about two weeks ago...I knew why they were coming...before John David passed I was heading up a group to get fund raisers started for building a new Sr. Center in town...I, of course, dropped out after he passed. They wanted to know when I was coming back to the group...to get things rolling again. I already had my speech...I was honored that they thought of me...but I had to decline. I was not at a place within myself that I felt I would be of any service. I was still at a grief place and I needed time to heal.

The next day ..one of my 'friends' called and suggested I see '--------' a Grief Counselor in town....to help me along....I knew this person and asked if she had lost a child ? She said 'no'....and I simply said that I didn't think this person could help me.

I had to decline my volunteer job of judging at the Art competition again this year....it starts in a couple of weeks at the Washington County Fair. I did so last year...they understood....am getting the drift that they all think I should be on board this year....

I am doing what my instincts are telling me...and I am holding my ground....will not let any social function or person define when , what or where I should be in my grief path.

The other thought that has begun having a shape with me...is...how I am changing...what use to be so important...now has been penciled in 'down the list'.....I am still the same person....but ....I have shifted...I am feeling out just what the 'shift' has changed....for sure....I have I have changed.

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Laurie for sharing Jesse David's Memorial....the love comes through the screen...I so enjoy you sharing all that you have learned on this journey...and it helps me so much.

Shannon...I visited Trista's website yesterday....it has a double way with me....twists my heart....and lifts my heart....have to share this with you...you were telling about the dream you had of a little girl....well..night before last I had this vibrant dream....a young lady with blonde hair put a baby girl in front of me and asked me what I thought of her....she, too, was blonde and blue eyed....(so is my Randa..but it wasn't her)....this baby was very petite...and her features looked like they had been drawn on her....I said the baby was beautiful and fragile and very, very pretty. I don't know who she was....and little girls are very hard to come by in our family.....who knows....maybe I have a GRANDdaughter down the line. The dream stayed with me all day.

Gretchen....you have an amazing spirit and aura.....and I was lifted up when I read how you are designing your life map.......I have been trying to see through the fog....I feel at times I have been almost brain dead...sometimes I can catch something to hold on to......I was working on a project and the thought popped in my head....'that I would come to a place where acceptance and surrender would be what I had to have.

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Sand drawings

Organic shapes are drawn in the sand,

waves cause the thin lines to weave fine outlines on the shore

like ancient Japanese ink drawings,

only to be redrawn with each new entry,

erasing but never eliminating what was here.

What was... still exists,

wave after wave,

life after life,

It all occurs within the timing of the universe,

day after night,

calm after storm,

death after life---life after death.

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Dee,

I love your poem. So many times you post a poem that describes a feeling, thought, or concept that for me would be impossible to put into words. Thank you for sharing.

Susan,

Thank you for continuing to visit Trista's website. That means so much. Also, thank you for sharing your dream with me. I truly believe that sometimes, in the dream state, we can tap into something spiritual or maybe something spiritual can tap into us. Maybe down the road there will be an Aha moment where it suddenly makes sense. The fact that it touched you so and left a lingering effect, seems to say it might be more than a dream. That's how it was with my dream of my little blonde Angel.

Gretchen,

How perfect that you had fresh flowers right there for Forest provided by nature. I also love that you have a journal there at Forest's site. What a neat idea.

Thinking of everyone and sending wishes for a nice holiday.

Shannon

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Shannon, thank you both for your poem and your dream. I do believe too, that the spirit world sometimes taps into us, often in fact, and there lies the clues to some of our deepest wonderings.

Glad that you like the poem. Wrote it while on the beach in Michigan in late July.

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My friends,

We just got back from a family vacation in New York City.

We went to the 911 Memorial and placed a small amount of Brian's ashes there.

Even though my family has found happiness again, this vacation was a reminder of what we have lost.

So many times, I thought "Brian would have done this". Or "Brian and Aron could have spent some time together"

Even though we did make some great memories..my life is changed forever...I miss Brian.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

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shannon--forest's site has an acrylic box in the back that holds a water proof journal, pens, things to hang stuff on the headstone with, a miniature chess/checkers set , a deck of cards, and a piece of fabric to sit on. i had heard about a journal on a hiking trail and thought it was cool so i had les incorporate the acrylic box. forest's friend susan thought there should be games for entertainment when people came to the site to hang out so we had him make it large enough to put a lot of things in. it is a little cramped but it is ok. post-298275-0-38353900-1378149503_thumb.

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Mermaid Tears

I too did not want to talk with any social worker who had not lost a child. I never knew this depth of pain even existed.

A neighbor told me about Stevens Ministry and one volunteer had lost a child.

We met for almost 2 years and now she is helping others. She is my angel.

I hope you find someone to talk with that meets your needs. You are so smart for knowing what you want.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

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Gretchen,

I really really love the box. Was it something you thought of? I don't think I've ever seen it done before.

Here are a couple of pictures of Trista's site and what I've done to make it prettier until her stone is set. The stone planter was a gift from her cousin Jessi for her garden but I decided to put it there for now. The Hello Kitties are from a friend. One for Trista and one for her. Tris is a Hello Kitty fanatic. In her room she has a Hello Kitty mini fridge and water cooler among lots of other miscellaneous things. The cactus planter was from a friend as well.

post-328114-0-33593200-1378160686_thumb.

post-328114-0-74520100-1378160688_thumb.

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I love the box idea as well. I saw one at the cemetery where Eri is, a plexi-glass box attached to the side of the stone with a journal and pens. Lovely idea.

Laurie, your area for your Son is lovely as well, as is Shannon's space for Trista. We never wanted to build these places in which our Children are placed, but when we do, our love is evident for sure, and the love they inspired shines all around them.

And Colleen, taking some of Brian's ashes to NYC and offering his energy there where so many others left in moments, just moments, what a tribute to Brian and to those whose lives ended in that space. I went to the pit of the Twin Towers about 8 months after the tragedy, the energy that surrounded the pit, the whole city actually but so strong as you got closer to the place, was amazing. So many Angels in one place...responding to the outpouring of fellowship and love, hope and prayer.

Peace All, may there be peace.

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Today I went to Trista's Angel Spot to take fresh flowers for the memorial the kids have set up there. I think I may have said before that we use to live in that house. The one that the accident happened in front of. There are two sisters that live there. They may be twins. They look so much alike. One of them did an interview for the news asking for change at that intersection, stating she's seen 4 terrible accidents there this year. The night of the accident, when we arrived at the scene one of the sisters was praying. I jumped out of the car and ran to the car Trista was in. I made it to just outside the car. I saw her. She seemed asleep. No blood. She looked like my Tris just sleeping. Then her nose started to bleed. I remember thinking she's unconscious with a bloody nose. We can fix that. I know I was in shock. It's like it was just me looking at my daughter. The ambulance, the firetruck, all the people, none of it existed. Time didn't exist but I know it was just seconds before and EMT grabbed me and pulled me away. I was screaming "That's my Baby in that car." I was told later that one of the sisters came over, removed the EMT's hands from me and looked at him and said, "That's her Baby in that car." I do remember her holding me and saying that we had to stay back and let them do their job. She was much more comforting that the EMT that restrained me but said nothing. I also remember seeing them at Trista's viewing. I know today that Trista was gone before we ever left the scene. They didn't tell us until the hospital and I'm sure all the efforts on the way and once there were to try to revive her. The certificate says acute ventricular dysrhythmia caused by blunt force trauma. It says the time from onset to her passing was "minutes". That word minutes... How many minutes? Right after the accident Ashley got out of the car. How many minutes was Trista alone. Was she conscious? Was she in pain? Was she scared? I was there within minutes. If that EMT would have let me climb into the car like I wanted to could I have held her? Would it have helped? I read a story in the paper of a man who's heart had stopped for 20 minutes. His son said to him, "You're not going to die today." Then they pronounced him dead. A few minutes later his heart started beating on it's own. Would my voice have brought her back? Today when I stopped there both sisters were sitting on the porch. As I was approaching my car to leave one of the sister came to me. She said, "Are you Mom?" and I told her I was. She said, "I thought so". She then told me that when Ashley got out of the car, she got in. She told me that she sat with Trista until the ambulance arrived. She told me she just talked to her and told her that her mom was on the way. She said, "I can tell you honestly, Trista did not suffer."

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